..the batfam siblings are randomnly getting teleported through time to the original days of batman and robin, but somehow Bruce is nowhere to be seen. This leads to so many more questions, and each of them has begged the villains to just put them out of their misery at some point.
Jason *teleports into Wayne Manor*
Jason: what the actual fuck is happening?
Eight year old Dick:
Jason: Ah sh- shoot.. Hey there..
Eight year old Dick *lip trembles*
Jason *panicking* : uhhhh hey kid please don’t cry-
Jason’s knees explode in pain as he doubled over and then there’s a continuous tornado of blows coming before he’s down for the count
Eight year old Dick: IM GONNA ROCK YOUR SHIT FUCKER *about to smash a granite statue on Jason’s head if Alfred hadn’t walked in at that moment*
Jason *tasting blood and wheezing* : I- I think my ribs are broken.. also why does this fucking feel like déjà vu?
Tim: uh- hey Dick?
Tim *running in front* : Don’t worry I’ll protect yo-
Robin!Dick running out from behind him wielding an electric blowtorch he stole from Tim: MEET YOUR END TODAY!
Tim *panicking* : ROBIN NO
Dick *cackling* : ROBIN YES
Damian: Richard.. you’re- not what I expected.
Dick *scaling the side of the skyscraper to help a cat stuck there*
Damian: .. Compassion is a quality you always-
Damian: .. Richard.. where is the rest of your gear?
Robin!Dick *with cats in hand running off the ledge*
Damian: RICHARD WHERE IS YOUR GRAPPLING HOOK?!
Dick ended up doing several gymnastic moves, giving a perfect landing with the cat in tow and not a single scratch on him. Damian has stopped functioning.
Cass *smiling warmly*
Dick *smiling and waving* : HI NICE LADY!! Do you want a cookie? Alfred made them!!
Cass *taking the packet Dick is trying to hold upright*
Dick: That ones for you! And this *takes out a small box with a skull drawn on it with crayons* is for your family! I know you don’t like talking about them.. and I think they’re the ones who hurt you. Just give them one cookie and they’ll never bother you again!
Cass: :) . Thanks.. but cookie not solve everything..
Dick: If I burn their house down will that work?
The one where Elle keeps having to deal with her boyfriends’ family members breaking into her home Part 1 (Jon/Damian/Elle secret dating nonsense):
Dick finds out about Damian’s girlfriend at the same time he meets her for the first time.
Normally something as momentous as discovering that his babiest brother had a dating life would have been cause for excitement and joy. Damian had grown a lot from those early years, but Dick still worried about him. Since moving out and into his own apartment he seemed more likely than ever to avoid people, even - maybe especially - the family. He still came over to the manor regularly, but it was rare than at anyone outside of Alfred even saw him outside of patrol or working on cases. He showed up, spent time with Batcow and Alfred-the-Cat and Ace, then left before anyone saw him.
So finding out that Damian had a girlfriend - let alone one he was serious enough about that they lived together - should have been the highlight of the week, maybe even the month!
Unfortunately for him, however, the excitement of it all was rather dimmed by the concussion of said girlfriend hitting him over the head with a baseball bat with the force of a freight train after assuming he was a stranger breaking into her home.
In hindsight secret live in girlfriend may have been the reason Damian had been so squirrelly about any of them coming over to his place.
Secret Live In Girlfriend - name pending - was currently dialing someone on the phone, most likely the police. Which meant that Babs’ system was going to flag a B&E at Damian’s apartment mere minutes after he’d told her he was crashing at Baby Bird’s apartment. Which meant that Secret Live In Girlfriend wasn’t going to be so secret anymore since Robin was on patrol and would have never called the cops anyway if he had been home when someone broke in. Provided half a dozen Bats didn’t come crashing in via the balcony door the second they get wind something was happening at Damian’s place before Robin could even try and explain what was happening. And wouldn’t that be a cherry on top of the embarrassing sundae his first impression with Damian’s significant other was shaping up to be so far.
“Hey, so uh.” Secret Live In Girlfriend said from her place perched on top of the kitchen island, Titus at her feet and bright green bat - or no, was that a collapsible baton? It was hard to tell, he hadn’t been hit that hard since the last time Bane went on a rampage, it was honestly impressive such a petite woman had that kind of strength in her - held securely in her other hand. Her eyes never left Dick from where he was bound and gagged on one of the kitchen chairs. “Sorry to call so late Day, but a fucking cop just broke into the apartment.”
Well, at least he didn’t have to worry about how they were going to explain why half the vigilantes in Gotham were busting in to her boyfriend’s apartment in response to a break in. He was slightly concerned at the fact that she had apparently swiped everything from his pockets at some point while she’d been maneuvering him into the kitchen chair without him noticing, but she had hit him pretty hard and the concussion was bad enough that he was pretty sure he was going to be benched by Alfred for a while once he got checked out. He probably just hadn’t noticed with how badly his ears were ringing and he was fighting the sudden intense urge to vomit.
More important than all that though, Secret Live In Girlfriend called Damian Day, and even though she was glaring daggers at Dick her face softened as she focused in on listening to Damian’s voice and awww she really was completely smitten with his baby brother that is the cutest shit ever and he can’t wait to tell everyone about it as soon as she lets him go.
“Want me to take care of him?”
Provided she doesn’t let him go in an entirely more permanent way.
Holy fuck she didn’t even hesitate before asking her boyfriend if Damian wanted her to kill a man for him. That was her first question out the gate. No hey should I call the police or do you know this man no just straight for do you want me to make him disappear? She’d even tucked her phone between her ear and shoulder so she had a free hand to pet Titus while she asked, the big ol’ hellhound leaning in happily to the ear scritches and entirely unbothered by Dick’s predicament, casual as anything as she asked Damian if he wanted her to murder his brother for him.
Dick watched as Secret Live In Girlfriend listed to whatever it was Damian was saying, her hard glare easing a little as she did. At length she let go of the day-glow-green baton and plucked up Dick’s wallet, flipping it open to peer at his license.
“ID says Richard Grayson.” She said, pausing again to listen to Damian again, eyes flicking up towards Dick again as she did. “Oh shit, your brother Richard?” Secret Live In Girlfriend’s eyes went wide, face losing all traces of that frigid distrust she’d been leveling at him, expression rapidly turning towards surprised and embarrassed. “…I think I gave him a concussion.” She said, looking sheepish. “You uh…you finish up at work. I’m going to just…untie him and uh…get him to a hospital.” Whatever Damian said next made the young woman laugh, eyes sparkling as she looked down at Titus. “I’ll let him know. Be safe out there.” Her expression turned warm and soft at what Damian said next over the phone, “Love you too, Day.”
Oh shit. Oh shit. I love you too. As in, Damian had said I love you. Like, obviously they had probably gotten to that point of their relationship to break out the L word if they were living together, but Dick could count on one hand the number of times Baby Bird had said that to someone in their family in all the years since he’d moved in. And he said it first! Without prompting! Or someone being about to die!
Dick was still riding the wave of that stunning revelation of his little brother’s emotion growth when Secret Live In Girlfriend came into focus in front of him, the gross, now slightly damp sock she’d shoved in his mouth earlier in hand and a concerned furrow in her brow and - ah shit he lost time there for a bit didn’t he? Yeah, Alfred was definitely going to bench him for this one. Seriously Dami’s girlfriend was no joke with that baton of hers.
“I’m so sorry again about this,” Secret Live In Girlfriend said, “I just heard the door and I knew Day wasn’t going to be back home for hours yet and Jon is doing that thing with his dad tonight -“ She’d tossed the sock over her shoulder and Titus happily snatched it up and carried it off to his bed in the living room to destroy. “Are you - actually I’m not going to ask that, you’re for sure not okay. I hit you pretty hard.”
Oh, so Jon knew about Secret Live In Girlfriend. Yeah that made sense.
He and Damian had been best friends since they were kids - as much as Damian had tried to deny it when they were still little - and even if Dami had been successful in keeping his family of detectives off the scent of his love life, there was no way that he was going to keep that from Jon Kent. Superboy Jr. practically lived at Damian’s place. They were practically attached at the hip, there was no way Dami could sneak something as big as that past Jon.
“No worries!” He tried to wave her concern off - she’d untied him during his little lapse in memory, that was nice, she tied knots better than most rogues in the city and even without a head wound he probably wouldn’t have been able to get out of them on his own - but it made him sway a little which probably wasn’t all that reassuring. “I did break in. I didn’t tell Damian I was coming over or anything, I just figured I’d crash on his couch for the night. Sorry to scare you!”
He flashed his most charming smile and hoped that the blood dripping down his face didn’t diminish it too much. This was already a disaster of a first impression, and Damian had said he loved her Dick was not going to be the one to chase her off.
Secret Live In Girlfriend - he really hoped she didn’t introduce herself during that minute or two he couldn’t remember - rolled her eyes. “It’d take a lot more than some cop breaking in to my house to scare me.” She said, voice so sure that even if Dick hadn’t heard her casually offer to murder him on Damian’s whim he would believe her. “Here, let me grab the first aid kit so we can at least clean you up a bit and then I can take you to the hospital.”
Dick gave what he hoped was a brilliant smile and a thumbs up before tipping sideways and throwing up all over her shoes.
So much for salvaging the first impression.
Phrases I bet were said on the Batcave without context.
Duke: So you had enough time to put a dinosaur here but not to cover the endless pit of death?
Babs (To Dick in the Batman suit): Do not kiss me wearing that it freaks me out.
Jason: Okay. Got it you have a plan. Great. But before we all follow it I have to ask– is that a fucking cow?
Damian: I admit. I haven't misplanned how to get Batcow out of the cave.
Alfred: Master Bruce there's a lot of courage in trying to tell me how to take care of the kid you won't clean up after.
Tim (to the Jason's memorial): Stop looking at me like that.
Jason (to the Jason's memorial): Stop looking at me like that.
Superman (first time there): You know I'm not surprised.
Bruce (In the middle of a video call with the Justice league and hearing the loudest argument from upstairs): Give me a second.
Bruce: DO NOT MAKE ME GO UP THERE
Bruce: As I was saying–
13 year old Tim: Okay, hear me out– That might sound a little crazy. But what about. . . pants. Same thing, same suit, but with pants
Bruce (being paranoid): I'm not being paranoid.
Jason, looking at the Batcomputer: Ever tried to run GTA on this thing?
Tim: You are a danger to society,
Tim: And a coward. Try Skyrim.
20 something Nightwing visiting: Why are you awake?
15 year old Jason: Why are you dressed as the lost member of the village people?
Batman: I thought you were on a family vacation.
13 year old Tim: So did my parents– Look at what I found on the Two-Face case.