#and like these ppl were so articulate??? like i keep forgetting some people are very capable of saying things in a way that makes sense

[omgrandomwords]

ok so i’m incapable of keeping literally anything to myself but i am feeling very emotional abt this so

[cmyknoise]

my whole thing about the stream today was something felt... odd? i can’t place it. i’m just getting my thoughts out, this isn’t like /neg or criticism i just. thinking ig.

c!eret had spent the first good portion of her stream praising l’manburg for what it stood for, how it was home to people, how it was strong and nothing has come close to it since. she spends her whole life at the moment keeping records and keeping up the history. she says she fears what history might forget. how the members and events of l’manburg is already villainized, people are being painted in bad lights when they were never bad at all. 

he spends several minutes just. talking wilbur up. how he was a good leader. how he wanted to revive wilbur because people needed the moral boost that wilbur brought. that wilbur had good wants and intentions, and in the end he was just... eret admitted that in the end wilbur mentally was at his lowest, that things had definitely weighed on him, but not once in this talk did he ever blame wilbur, or bring up he was at fault for anything? 

then wilbur arrived, very clearly not intending to speak to eret. it seemed he was trying to sneak past the museum unnoticed. the first comments he makes is about armor. he does that thing where he stands a block above eret. he fumbles on his words a lot. he gives an, admittedly, not the greatest apology! 

but then.. eret demands a better apology. now, ppl have already criticized a lot on whether there was any grounds for that sort of thing, and they’ve done analysis on what was said, what could’ve been done better, etc etc (highly reccomend @sajdd or @tobi-smp for some of those). 

but it feels like a switch was flipped. 

it could’ve been c!eret finally letting out all her thoughts that had built up or. i don’t know, really i don’t. but watching it i’d gone from :D to :(? so quickly  because there were just, several minutes of prolongued praise that sounded like wilbur might finally be told he meant something? or that his creations meant something, after spending so long being berated over those things by himself or others. and it felt like we would also get a moment where eret could explain a wide number of things- but instead we got “you’re not a good person” “you did awful things”. and it just. it felt like a switch was flipped and it was just. it was jarring, it really was. 

it felt bad too because wilbur went so quiet, and wilbur almost never goes quiet, and he started to stand under eret, a block below, which is this huge minecraft-language thing he’s been doing. and then there was the proper apology- where eret gave a better apology and wilbur did but... it had then gone to ‘you’re not so bad’ 

which feels like- positive remarks to negative remarks to neutral remarks. 

i dont get it

i love c!eret so much, and i love c!wilbur. something felt off and i can’t articulate what or why past this, im very tired. but uh, yeah. those are some thoughts from me. i dont feel like doing in depth analysis on c!wilbur or cc!wilbur’s acting and how he acted in face cam like i usually do bc like, im just rlly tired rn. maybe later. but uh, anyway yeah. thats all.

[davidjjohnston3]

Might be last 'typing for a while... I f--king hate myself for not taking that job; the principal was sincere; they called my former employer.  The landscape was beautiful like 'The Place Promised in Our Early Days' with the dark pines.  Paju is a center of the publishing industry although books / fiction and the whole 'condition of fiction' by which people think their own children, neighbors, selves etc. are anime characters is pozzed from here to Eternity along with personality-politics. There is a poem or 'hymn' or 'psalm' or 'cry of the heart' I wish I could write spurred partially by Servants of Christ's video with the river in Korea and 'I Need Thee Ev'ry Hour.  I don't know why I took myself for a failure for so long or put down roots in this poisoned Babylon when in retrospect people were sending me little 'Evangelical Satanism' messages in the form of brand-slogans et cetera for like 5 years instead of reasoning honestly.  That's why I sincerely say nuke Milwaukee - that's not pedagogy, neighborliness, love, family, friendship.  It's nothing but a swap-meet. I got sad today looking at a picture of a celebrity from a famous rigged girl-group that I always defended the rigging of due to aesthetic opinions about 'composition' and realizing something that my college girlfriend's roommate realized about her back in the day but then I felt, 'The condition of prostitution in some respects is preferable to the condition of Germanic / Teutonic purism, which leads to pedophilia and homosexuality on the one hand and mass-murder on the other.'  Moreover you can just look at a f-cking hostess-bar and talk and it prepares one for love IMO better than Western movies although I don't know anymore. I wanted to cancel all my projects like 'Stepfather' (about a teacher getting sick of his colleagues for innuendos, careerism, negativity in the lounge, everything that ppl KNOW is bad but no one ever fixes)... just 'cause I don't know if I can even live and moreover I started to intuit the different endings idle vain people would want to see. I keep saying again and again a key component of the 'Covid culture wars' is 'anti-belief' as well as people's wanting to duel one another to the death over past grievances micro or macro.  At day's end and at bottom 'anti-belief' - or attempting to convince people that truth is a lie; ex. that Koreans are unreal - compels people to pare themselves down to their ultimate solipsism or, I realize, inability to distinguish Flesh from Spirit in any fruitful and abiding way. I was reflecting on how talking about 'The Meaning of Marriage' led someone to cohabitate which totally failed for me as well as wondering whether my gifting this book was interpreted as a 'magic sign' rather than simple no-hidden-message offering.  One thing I loved about Koreans at least at my first job was there were no hidden messages at least from the senior administration. I drove to Bethlehem College and Seminary and felt a power radiating from the church but am in no position to assist them or join their Global Studies program which I'd wanted to intellectually.  I haven't really done anything with my life but study EAS, K-Studies, languages, etc.  I had visions and dreams of stealth-bombers honestly, Russian drills planting nuclear devices deep in the Earth to destabilize the orbital axis - Putin could kill any or all of us at any time, I am convinced.  I wondered if the Russians or 'Varangians' were the 'last people.'  They decide. In Milwaukee, in Germany people joke about things like Hitler's dog, racism, homosexuals and amuse themselves waiting for people to get hoist by their own petard.I also remembered how for years I thought about Cordelia in 'King Lear' but despite reading this play like 30 times I still don't understand completely how a 'Christology of Cordelia' could be articulated to make people understand their blindness to Charity.Also related to Mary HK Choi's 'Yolk,' a novel which disappointed me but which I felt could be one of those 'ultima novels; last words.' I keep remembering despite whoever wants to make me forget that Covid is or was an opportunity to pursue better international relations / build connections and relations not dependent on blind policies like IMO American NK policy or other official diplomacy.  I had big dreams about avoiding war as well as people holding goods more in common by my attempts to donate a few laptops and some money stripped me of my net worth and were not proportionately matched.  Everyone seems so determined to live their own story and cling to things when they could be dead in 24hrs from Delta variant Covid 19 and everyone knows it.  Tornadoes, hailstorms.  Man spent the last hundred years of more building trillions of dollars of weapons of war while schooling problems are the same as they were back in 1881 - as are the problems faced by graduates particularly orphans and minorities and, also, any intellectual in a society which still despises these three categories.   Maybe I just gave people dreams in the past and maybe I was too free in the past or stopped wearing the right clothes too soon.  I gave up on the future long ago - I reflected recently as I had always felt but not articulated - that as Koreans say the favored child is favored outside the home so too the hated child is hated - but I kept getting chances even without understanding others' points of view to be a part of their past.  But I don't even know if Education is the point or Build Back Better or anything like that when 4 million people died and the '3rd world' variants from India as well as South America are basically destined to come to the 1st world.  I tried to convince people that there could be a beautiful future in which everyone lived more lovingly, courageously et cetera and rediscovered God.   I also felt, however, from a long time ago that when it comes to US Korea policy and perhaps to the salvation or deliverance of America's domestic population from a worse Covid variant the most caring organization literally is the military and not any philanthropy; I don't know if anyone else could step in, though by that same token, I was thinking about IXK / anti-racism which I embrace as an alternative to Obamaism, and couldn't help feeling like the 'Grand Alliance' of this day has something to do with abortion-culture (which [Chancellor] John Piper summarizes as men playing God the Father and the strong preying on the weak; and for which I formulated the term 'unconditional evil' or the attitude that powerful men possess a lifelong veto over the lives and wellbeing of anyone else), though coefficient with race-relations or rather 'recognition' of other people as beautiful, beloved, perhaps chosen.  I was telling someone 'Language is a phenomenological...'  My favorite songs other than 'I Need Thee,' 'This Is My Father's House,' some older stuff, have been 'Make Me Love You' by Kim Taeyeon which is a song about the 'shared gaze' and 'Clover' by Fromis which embodied my desire to help kids 'get life right the first time' through teachers and structures that would 'save people from themselves.'  But then my mind traveled to Japan, swords, halberds, maidens, all kinds of new birth-defects and problems in the new age, and I couldn't help feeling that some things will be very much the same and in a way it is my fault for losing my fire.  I'm dreaming in dark red and am incredibly frustrated reading Eric Feigl-Ding on Twitter that the West - Canada, America, UK - is perpetrating this corporatist mass-sacrifice.. I want to just fly away to KR where at least they count the bodies honestly but wish Americans would go home, get married, go to Church more often.  Everyone seems so unwilling to put their stories on hold or discard their fetishes / idols (Healthcare, Money / Mammon, Science, The Past, Ultimate Communist Utopian Social Justice, Almighty Meritocracy...).  Some ambrosial(?) explosion, the Face of Jesus, with or without me may the 'Grand Alliance' prevail.

[irregulardiaryposts]

16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild. 

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java. 

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it. 

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary) 

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing.  this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now. 

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool. 

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there. 

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)

[hobjoon]

Are you going to announce who won??? (I'm curious to see what they wrote)

I don’t usually announce my giveaway winners but sure, I’ll list them down here. Everything that they wrote were all very simple but I relate to them. It’s simple but very touching, imo :’)

@hoseokskitten#hobiforreal#oh wow okay why I love Hobi so much#Of course there's the normal reasons: he's so bright and cheerful and happy all the time and he just wants to make everyone smile#But it's so much more than that it's hard to articulate into words#I love how passionate he is#Passions is such a beautiful thing... to love something so much that it burns in your veins and sets your soul alive#And it's so evident how passionate he is#passionate about dancing and about loving the other members and his family and his fans#and so passionate about growing and bettering himself and making himself the absolute best that he can be#and I love how empathetic he is#He really truly just wants to brighten everyone's lives and when someone he loves is hurting it hurts him so much#And I love how you can always tell what he's feeling because he can't keep his emotions off of his face he's so open#And to know that he suffers from anxiety as well and he fights through it and brightens so many people's lives in spite of the anxiety#it's so inspiring#he really does give me so much hope#When I first got into BTS the first thing I read about Hobi was that he chose his name because#'he wants to be a source of light and hope for his fans'#and I really connected with that immediately I had an immediate connection with him#Because that's what I want to be for people I want to make everyone happy I want to be a safe space for people#So I connected with him immediately and the more I've learned about him the more I see myself in him#and he really just inspires me to be a better a person#he gives me hope for my own future and he inspires me to be the best person that I can be and to reach out to people who are hurting#and like /especially/ with the anxiety I've been fighting anxiety for years and knowing that he has too just makes me love him even more#and it just gives me that much more hope because he's actively showing me that it can be done#he's doing it I can do it too#he's fighting his own demons and he's still out there bettering himself and being such a bright ray of light and hope for people#he really is my hope#my light and my love

@hobgi#first of all bless u val ur so sweet for doing this!!!#okay for the reasons why i love hobi (lets see if theres a tag limit omg)#he's so beautiful and stunning and pretty and hot and sexy like he's so gorgeous#the way his cheeks rise when he smiles and the way he claps his hands while he laughs#the fact that people even say that he looks better in person too??? the thought makes me dizzy like his beauty radiates sm off of pics#and vids of him...like i cant imagine seeing him in real life i would probably faint#and ofc i cant forget how talented he is#not just his amazing dancing but EVERYTHING he does#his rapping and his vocals#like he didnt have much experience in rapping before bts and now???#he has some of the most iconic bts rap verses???#like remember that one time a fan told him that he was her fave rapper and he was so touched by it????? im really happy he got to hear that#like me too sis#he's my role model#i really admire a lot of things about him#i love his energy and positivity#and how he's able to be anyone's friend and just attract ppl#he has this charisma that i really admire and i want to be that person too??#to be so full of life and being able to draw any person to you??? like he IS That Person#he loves bts so much and he takes care of everyone and makes them happy#and how he pushes himself so hard and never stops#he'll work so hard that his feet start to bleed#he dedicates sm of himself into perfecting everything he does for bts#and honestly none of us deserves him??? and it makes me so sad that ppl would bash on him bc#AND ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS WHY I LOVE HIM IS THAT#HE!! MADE!! A!! SONG!! ABT!! HIS!! MOM!!#like he's in his twenties he coulve wrote abt anything#he's really such a good hearted person who is full of energy and dedication and love#i lov him sm :(( and im so proud of him ;-;

@hobis-moving-castle#i love him because he always seems to put others before himself#because he works so hard to not only perfect the choreo for himself but helps his members too#because he gets all shy and blushes when someone compliments him#because he worked so hard to learn how to rap even though he felt so out of place so he could be a good rapper for his team#because even though they have gained so much success he always mentions how he wants to be even better for us#because all he ever wanted was to be able to make his parents proud#because of the way his little ears stick out when he  wears hats#because of how his smile is as almost as bright as his personality#because although his personality may seem bright there are times where he is struggling himself but he never fails to put on his dazzling sm#ile for others in order to be there hope#because he is sugas battery that helps him gain energy#because i he loves to collect cute little figurines that are almost as cute as himself#because of the adorable mole on his lip#because of the way his dimples show when he eats food#because his laughter is so contagious you cant help but smile#because he is an amazing dancer rapper and singer yet he still remains so humble#because of his passion and deidcation his applies to everything that he does#because of that booty tho#because even though he sings infront of thousands of people hes still gets scared easily#because every comeback he reveals even more of his talents and never fails to amaze me#because of the way he pouts when he is unhappy about somethin#because of his relationship with the other memers and loving and attentive he is to their needs#because hes loud and cheery and all the people around him never seem unhappy#because of the boy meets evil intro performance#hell every performance ever he gives his 110% and i cant begin to express how much i admire and appreciate him#he deserves the world honestly

@sunnyhoseoks#i love hoseok because i feel such genuine feelings of pride and adoration for him#he's worked so damn hard to get where he is#he's so under-appreciated sometimes but he continues pursuing his dream#he has this determination and fire that comes out in him when he's on stage or even just practicing#that boy belongs on that stage#its his passion and it shows in his bright and fiery personality on stage#it never fails to take my breath away#i believe that that boy can do anything and everything#and even though he'll never know who i am#i will do whatever i can to give him my full support#because i believe he has something special within him#and his constant brightness?#truly admirable#he always puts in 200% into whatever he does#and i can imagine that would get exhausting#because he's human after all#and everyone has setbacks#but he doesn't let it get in his way#he truly fights to constantly emit positive energy#all i want is for him to be truly and purely happy in his life#and to be able to live with confidence in all that he does#whether that be in bts or dancing or whatever#if it makes him happy and he's healthy while doing it then i will be behind him#hobiforreal#im sorry i kinda ranted but i feel very passionate about hobi