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myvividreams · 4 years

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So. I had a couple of people on Facebook and Discord ask me about the final paper I wrote on copyright and the criminalization of fandom. Well, I got an A! And permission to share it with whoever’s interested in reading 2700 words on the love-hate relationship we creatives and fanworkers have with copyright

With the advent of the internet and social media, fan culture—a form of participatory culture where fans not only consume but also create content often based on existing creative works[1]—has grown phenomenally in the last two decades. For example, attendance to the San Diego Comic-Con, proclaimed by Forbes as the largest fan convention in the world, has almost tripled between 2000 and 2019. In such conventions, fans get to interact with their favorite content creators, from the people behind their favorite series to their fellow fans who create content online that they consume. In the 2019 San Diego Comic-Con alone, attendees spent around $88 million directly on events and merchandise in the convention, not counting what they spent on other costs, like transportation and housing for the duration of the con! That is a lot of money going around publicly for what is essentially a black-market hub. And these conventions, like many other aspects of fan culture, are as much hubs of illegal activity as they are incubators of creativity. This needs to change.

In the context of this essay, I will be using the term fan culture to describe the lived experience of fans both casual and serious. This is to differentiate it from the term fandom—which I will be using to refers to, collectively, all the ideas, interactions, characters, fans, and derivative/transformative works associated with a particular creative work. Fandom will be used in this discussion to describe the virtual place within which fans interact, create content derivative of, and negotiate the meanings surrounding the originating work.

I choose to discuss fandom in the context of place rather than community because places, as defined by Pelletier-Gagnon and Diniz, are “site[s] of meaning where agents create, efface, and accumulate symbols”, which are delineated by contours rather than characteristics and can exist within images, sounds, and videos as well as locations.[2] As far as fandom is concerned, a fandom will continue to exist though fans may enter and leave at will. Fandoms are countoured with recognizable characters and settings, and the fans within them create new meanings and interpretations of the originating work—while keeping within said contours—through posts, discussions, and derivative creative works like fan art and fan fiction. Often times, fandoms aren’t occupied by any single community, they’re occupied by several who each compete over interpretations of characters and character interactions. Sometimes, such communities can even develop around derivative works—enough so that the derivative work becomes the anchor and contour of another fandom![3]

As rich and diverse fan culture within fandoms can be, however, that does not detract that many activities prominent within fan culture go against copyright law. As it exists right now, much of copyright law is obsessed with copies.[4] It (ideally) grants creatives a set of exclusive rights to their original creations as incentives to produce more work, giving copyright owners (not always creatives!) the right to control the reproduction and distribution of copies of their work as well as the right to prepare derivative works based on said copyright work.[5] You can imagine, then, how easily creatives within fandoms can cross over the line to copyright non-compliance: they do it every single time they create fan works celebrating their love for the original work.

Fortunately, most fan works online fall under the fair use doctrine, which allows the reproduction of works for “purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research.”[6] There are four criteria works are evaluated by to qualify as fair use: the purpose of the work (commercial or non-profit?), the nature of the copyrighted work, the amount of the copyrighted work used, and the effect the such use of the work would have on the market for or the value of the work.[7] Generally speaking, fan works like fan art, fan comics, fan fiction, gif sets, animatics, and AMVs that are shared online for free fulfill at least the first and the fourth criteria for fair use, which are the criteria usually prioritized by copyright holders.

The problem arises when fan creators start monetizing their fan works—creating merchandise featuring copyrighted content, selling them online, selling them in cons, doing commissions—basically, doing anything that constitutes distributing their work for profit. Thousands of such merchandise are being sold on sites like Etsy and Redbubble or featured on their creators’ social media pages for sale, and they come in many different varieties—from art prints to enamel pins to dolls to clothing. The creators of said merchandise also fill the aptly named Artists’ Alleys in conventions to sell their products in person. Groups of creators sometimes band together to create and sell magazines—often referred to simply as zines—or even fan comics for their fandoms.[8] Of course, murkier cases also exist, like let’s play vloggers profiting off of posting their playthroughs of copyrighted videogames online or fan writers and artists earning money through their followings on Patreon.

Copyright owners’ responses to such activity have varied widely throughout the years, with differing degrees of success. Consensus as of the present seems to be to leave it alone unless the fan profiting from their derivative work is experiencing significant success or making significant sums of money from the monetization of such work. At that point, the fan would be asked to take the work off their online store or, if they’re a vlogger, take the offending video down from their channel. What constitutes as significant is often up to the copyright owner.

Historically, however, this was not always the case. In the 2000s, many copyright holders famously sent cease-and-desist letters to fan creators, specifically fan fiction authors, and made their dislike of fan fiction—or specific types of fan fiction—well known. Anne Rice, author of the then-popular novel series The Vampire Chronicles, was one of them, having posted a notice on her website in 2000 that effectively banned all fan fiction of her works online.[9] Following such, several individuals online reportedly received cease-and-desist orders and threats on their businesses unconnected to their activity as fan creators, and several commenters on a viral thread on tumblr claim that they left the Vampire Chronicles fandom entirely because of it.[10] [11]

On the other side of the scale, Marion Zimmer Bradley, author of the Darkover series, dove into the fandom surrounding her series headfirst. Although the controversial Contraband incident she is connected to took place long before the internet truly caught on, it bears sharing as it is often used as a cautionary tale for copyright owners and professional creatives against participating too actively within the fandom surrounding their original work. In the two decades after she published the first book in her Darkover series, Bradley had fostered an extremely close connection with her fans, commenting on fans’ derivative works, providing feedback, curating/editing their zines—often even adopting ideas proposed by fans or introduced by fans in their fan works as canon (true) to the Darkover universe. This all came to a head in 1992 when Bradley approached one of her fans offering money in exchange for being able to use elements from the fans’ published fan works in what was supposed to be Bradley’s next novel, Contraband. The fan disagreed, and the incident ended with cancellation of the novel and the discontinuation of Bradley’s active participation in the Darkover fandom.[12]

Both these examples have played a large part in how copyright holders’ current attitudes towards fan culture are playing out. Copyright holders tread the line between too much and too little exercise of their copy rights. Too much, and they may end up losing their fanbase. Too little, and they may lose profits and control of their public image to the more prolific members of their fandom. Fan culture, to copyright holders, also presents a largely mixed bag of feelings and viewpoints that varies from holder to holder. Each copyright holder tackles the issue differently. Some, like JK Rowling, welcome it. Some, like Anne McCaffrey, tolerate it with stipulations. And others, like George R. R. Martin, dislike it but will tolerate it as long as fans don’t send their fan fiction to them (art and other works usually fall under different considerations). Whatever their approach is, the general consensus among copyright holders seems to be that they tolerate (maybe even like) fan works as long as they aren’t sold commercially and, if said fan work is a piece of fan fiction, that work isn’t sent to them with the expectation of said author reading it and acknowledging it publicly.[13]

Note, however, that none of the current popular approaches to dealing with fan culture that I listed above includes the outright banning of fan activities. Copyright owners and creatives have learned from the examples of Anne Rice and her contemporaries in the 2000s that restricting fan culture—and taking advantage of or treating fans badly—is a good recipe for a shrinking fanbase and the non-success of their copyrighted work. They have also learned how an active fandom can rapidly propel a copyrighted work to success.

James Boyle, in his article Fencing off Ideas: Enclosure & the Disappearance of the Public Domain, posits that “a large leaky market may actually produce more revenue than a small, tightly-controlled market.”[14] With the phenomena of fandom as my example, I concur. Original works anchor and draw fandoms around themselves, but the creative outputs of fandom act as both gifts to the communities of their originating fandoms and free advertising for the originating work of said fandom. In fact, according to a report published last year by a collaboration between Fandom, Inc. and Ipsos, fan content plays a large role in driving discovery of new creative works. 59% of Explorers, the market segment that makes up half the fans in the United States, claim that fan content they encountered influence them to try new content.[15] At least part of the success experienced by popular creative works online—and on social media specifically—can be attributed to the robust participation of fans in creating, curating, and sharing derivative works both online and offline.

Because of this, fandom is often seen as a hub for developing creatives. There, amateur (and even professional!) creatives can hone their skills on existing characters and settings they already love. They can also build up a following and be cheered on, supported, and guided by their fellow fans and creatives in the fandom. Some of these creatives who got their start out of fandom even go on to create the “original content” they consume themselves! This usually happens in fandoms surrounding longer-running fictional series, such as DC Comics, Marvel Comics, and Star Wars.[16] And other creatives who have grown up within fan culture also go on to create their own original works and publish their own series. Cassandra Clare, author of multiple bestselling series (including the Mortal Instruments series), famously got her start writing fan fiction for the Harry Potter fandom in the 2000s.[17] Naomi Novik, award-winning author of the Temeraire series, admits to still writing fan fiction and actually co-founded the Organization of Transformative Works[18] in 2007![19]

None of this, however, changes the fact that much of fan culture operates by the grace of copyright holders—or that much of it is, in fact illegal due to copyright. This needs to change.

Lawrence Lessig, in Remix: How Creativity is Being Strangled by the Law and In Defense of Piracy, talks about the criminalization of Gen X and their culture of piracy through peer-to-peer sharing and YouTube remixes. But it isn’t just gen X anymore. It’s the criminalization of an entire culture. To participants of fan culture, copyright has become something ignored until it is useful or relevant, which damages the credibility of law. By criminalizing an entire culture—one that is still growing no less—we’re creating a culture where it becomes alright to break the law or at least consider it lightly. In the context of fan culture where breaking copyright law is often ignored, the continued criminalization of fan culture is telling fans, especially younger fans, that it is alright to break the law if you can get away with it. By doing so, we’re compromising the very value of law.

Moreover, as both Boyle and Lessig have said, copyright as it exists now is strangling creativity.[20] [21] [22] As copyright laws become increasingly stringent and skewed towards copyright owners, the sandbox other, younger creatives can play in legally continues to shrink as well. Additionally, said laws are skewed towards estates and corporate copyright owners rather than the creatives they are supposed to incentivize. Current copyright laws in the US award copyright to creatives for the duration of their lifetime plus 70 years before their works are released into the Public Domain for the creatives of the day to play with. As it stands, there are thousands of works lost to the public, which means that there are thousands of works that will not be able to inspire another generation of creatives.

I’m not saying that copyright should be abolished. Creatives should be acknowledged and compensated fairly for the time and effort they put into creating their works. I’m saying that a system must exist that reconciles the interests of copyright owners and fan creators without criminalizing one side or the other. There must be a way to bring balance back to the relationship between copyright owners and the next generation of creatives. I can think of one—bringing the duration of copyright back down to at least the lifetime of the creative (which is the longest most reasonable duration in the context of incentivizing creatives!)—and I’m sure there are more. We just need to find them.

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[1] Grinnell College. Fandom & Participatory Culture. n.d. 6 May 2020. <https://haenfler.sites.grinnell.edu/subcultural-theory-and-theorists/fandom-and-participatory-culture/>.

[2] Pelletier-Gagnon, Jérémie and Axel Pérez Trujillo Diniz. "Colonizing Pepe: Internet Memes as Cyberplaces." Space and Culture (2018).

[3] See the Dreaming of Sunshine fandom which emerged surrounding the popular Naruto fan fic of the same name. Similarly, there’s the Nuzlocke fandom which has spawned several fan art, fan comics, fan fics, and let’s plays based around the idea of playing through one of the mainline Pokemon RPGs under a certain set of self-imposed rules. There’s also the more recent Maribat fandom, which came into being more recently (that is, sometime mid-last year) and created a space overlapping two very different parent-fandoms: (1) Miraculous Ladybug and (2) DC Comics (specifically Batman).

[4] That’s why it’s called copy-right!

[5] U.S. Constitution. Art. 17, Sec. 106.

[6] U.S. Constitution. Art. 17, Sec. 107.

[7] U.S. Constitution. Art. 17, Sec. 107.

[8] Sean Thordsen, Esq. The Law of Anime Part II: Copyright and Fandom. 15 Feb 2013. Article. 6 May 2020.

[9] Jackson, Gita. It Used to Be Perilous to Write Fan Fiction. 16 May 2018. 6 May 2020. <https://kotaku.com/it-used-to-be-perilous-to-write-fanfiction-1826083509>.

[10] fandomlife-universe. "So I'm on AO3 and I see a lot of people who put." Fandom Life. April 2016. <https://fandomlife-universe.tumblr.com/post/140771184680/so-im-on-ao3-and-i-see-a-lot-of-people-who-put-i>.

[11] So I'm on AO3 ... (the forgotten history of disclaimers). n.d. Web. 2020 6 May. <https://fanlore.org/wiki/So_I%E2%80%99m_on_AO3_...(the_forgotten_history_of_disclaimers)>.

[12] Coker, Catherine. "The Contraband Incident: The Strange Case of Marion Zimmer Bradley." Transformative Works and Cultures 6 (2011). Web. <https://doi.org/10.3983/twc.2011.0236>

[13] Authors of /r/fantasy, how do you feel about fan fiction of YOUR works? 2019. Forum. 6 May 2020. <https://www.reddit.com/r/Fantasy/comments/b3e6jh/authors_of_rfantasy_how_do_you_feel_about_fan/>.

[14] Boyle, James. "Fencing off Ideas: Enclosure & the Disappearance of the Public Domain." Daedalus 131.2 (2002): 13-25

[15] Fandom Insights Lab. "The State of Fandom." 2019. PDF. <http://fandom.com/state-of-fandom/fandom-ebook.pdf>.

[16] Petrin, Katelyn Mae. How the rise in fandom culture changed the media industry. 21 June 2017. Web. 6 May 2020. <https://qrius.com/how-the-rise-in-fandom-culture-changed-the-media-industry/>.

[17] Jackson, Gita. It Used to Be Perilous to Write Fan Fiction. 16 May 2018. 6 May 2020. <https://kotaku.com/it-used-to-be-perilous-to-write-fanfiction-1826083509>.

[18] Most famous for being behind ArchiveOfOurOwn, one of the three most popular fan fiction hubs on the internet today

[19] Tor.com. Naomi Novik Talks Fanfic-Inspired Fantasy and Ending Temeraire in Her Reddit AMA. 25 Feb 2016. Web. 6 May 2020. <https://www.tor.com/2016/02/25/naomi-novik-reddit-ama-highlights/>.

[20] Boyle, James. "Fencing off Ideas: Enclosure & the Disappearance of the Public Domain." Daedalus 131.2 (2002): 13-25.

[21] Lessig, Lawrence. "In Defense of Piracy." The Wall Street Journal 11 October 2008: 1-3.

[22] Lessig, Lawrence. "Remix: How Creativity is Being Strangled by the Law." The Social Media Reader. Ed. Michael Mandiberg. New York: NYU Press, 2012. 155-168.

#copyright #fandom #fan culture #academic paper #final paper #vivi talks #the ongoing saga of me vs finals #the saga already ended #but here have the last paper i am ever writing as an undergrad student

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daniellethamasa · 4 years

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Hey all, Dani here.

Greetings! I usually like to do these monthly wrap-ups on the first of the month, but I had a couple post office delays with the delivery of my OwlCrate and a Book Loft package, so I decided I would wait one more day since the shipment tracking said I would get them both today. Thankfully they arrived a few hours ago, so I was able to put the finishing touches on the post.

April was actually a really good month on the being in home and watching shows, reading books, blogging, and playing Animal Crossing. Granted, it was also a lot more stressful in terms of going into work, and I have a feeling that it’s only going to get worse on that, as more and more people are deciding that they are tired of the restrictions of social distancing and now with mandatory wearing of masks, so they are taking their unpaid leave and just not dealing with it. Unfortunately it means those of us who are left have to work even harder, which is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I’m now actually finding myself wishing that the factory would just close for a week or two until the manpower struggles lessen a bit, but I don’t think that will happen. It’s immensely frustrating. I don’t want to be there with everything going on, but I can’t afford to take two weeks without pay.

But today’s supposed to be a pretty nice day, so I think Damian and I are maybe going to go to a state park that has some pretty nice and wide hiking trails, so we can get outside and walk around a bit. We’re obviously taking our masks with us too. I bought some of Etsy, getting him a Slytherin mask and me a Ravenclaw one. I ordered a couple others but those haven’t shipped yet.

As usual with my monthly wrap-up, let’s start off by checking in on my overall goals for the year.

Reading: I read 30 books in the month of April, 10 of which were manga volumes, two were re-reads, and three were novella length. Overall that takes me to 101 books read already in 2020. Still, I’d say that is a pretty good month of reading. I should probably count up how many pages that is. Okay, I did the calculations, and only counting finished books I read 8,707 pages in April…but really I’ve probably read a few hundred more if you include unfinished reads. Overall though I’m super happy with that. I successfully completed my requirements for the OWLs Magical Readathon, so all I have to do is pass the NEWTs in a couple months and I’ll be a Trader of Magical Tomes. I also participated in Dewey’s 24 Hour Readathon, and that was a whole lot of fun. Plus, I am currently in the middle of the Calendar Girls Springtime Whirl, going until May 11th, so I’m hoping to read a few more books at least for it–I haven’t achieved a bingo yet, but I’m really just having a good time trying to read to fulfill random prompts.

Blogging: It was the best month on my blog so far this year, and pretty close to being my best month in the history of Mousai Books, in terms of stats anyway. In terms of number of blog posts, this was definitely the best month overall…but I’m going to dial it back a little bit, because there’s no way I can keep doing like 10+ posts a week. It’s not sustainable for me right now. But I do still feel pretty good about continuing to have posts up pretty much every day. I wrote up 46 blog posts in the month of April, which is impressive, but it was also a whole lot of work. I did really enjoy the content though. I had a lot of books to talk about, and I especially enjoyed my National Library Week posts.

Writing: Well, I wrote a lot of blog posts, though that doesn’t count on the creative writing front. I was all excited about jumping into writing my book and then the world went to crap and I can’t get in a good mind set to write, so I’ve focused my attention on reading, and more study of the craft of writing. So it’s progress, but it isn’t progress in a trackable form such as increasing word count.

Conventions: Right now we are waiting to see what’s going to happen with Gen Con in late July/early August. It is a massive convention, so we’re expecting there to at least be a ton of restrictions. Lexington Comic and Toy Con ended up being postponed again, this time to June 18-21, and then it was just announced like yesterday that the 2020 convention is being canceled. But we both really want to work with Colorworld Books again, so we’re hoping that Cincinnati Comic Expo in September will still be good to go. My friends at Colorworld Books are trying to continue with their business as a digital affair, but 99% of the profits were made from attending conventions, so this has been a struggle for them. If you want to go check out their online store, that would be great. They have metal art prints and bookmarks, geeky t-shirts, and books. Oh, and you can use ConLife30 for 30% off of all metal, or CORONACON for 10% off any shirts. Oh, and they have actually started doing Colorworld LIVE convention style events just about every week. They gather up three or four awesome voice actors, hold a livestream panel, then a VIP panel for anyone who buys some signed merch, and of course you can get shirts, metal art prints, and more with characters these actors have portrayed. It’s pretty cool.

Okay, I guess I should start with wrapping up my time with the OWLs Magical Readathon. I was going for the Trader of Magical Tomes career path, which required me to read 4 books. I ended up changing one of the books from my TBR out because it was taking me so long and I worried I wouldn’t finish it in time. But, other than that, I was successful in reading all four books, so I’m ready to continue my Magical Tome training in the NEWTs later this year.

I’m also in the middle of the Calendar Girls Springtime Whirl, which is a bingo inspired reading challenge running from April 13-May 11. Once the reading challenge is over I’ll share a post with an updated bingo board covering all the categories I completed.

All right, let’s run through everything I read in the month of April. If I have a review up, I’ll also include the link back to that post.

City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare — 4.5 stars

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie — 5 stars

The Winter Duke by Claire Eliza Bartlett — 4.5 stars

Manga Classics: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte and Po Tse — 4 stars

The Queen of Raiders by Sarah Kozloff — 5 stars

Mr. Penumbra’s 24 Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloane — 5 stars

Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren — 4 stars

You Deserve Each Other by Sarah Hogle — 3.5 stars

The Library Book by Susan Orlean — 5 stars

Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World by Vicki Myron — 5 stars

Hickville Crossroads by Mary Karlik — 4 stars

An Affair of Poisons by Addie Thorley — 4.5 stars

Fruits Basket Collector’s Edition Volume 4 by Natsuki Takaya — 4 stars

The Invisible Library by Genevieve Cogman — 4 stars

Steering the Craft by Ursula K Le Guin — 4 stars

Witches of Ash and Ruin by E. Latimer — 4.5 stars

This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone — 5 stars

Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey — 5 stars

Fairy Tail Volume 8 by Hiro Mashima — 5 stars

The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin — 4 stars

The Bad-Ass Librarians of Timbuktu by Joshua Hammer — 4.5 stars

Fairy Tail Volume 9 by Hiro Mashima — 5 stars (review coming May 4, 2020)

Fairy Tail Volume 10 by Hiro Mashima — 5 stars (review coming May 18, 2020)

Fairy Tail Volume 11 by Hiro Mashima — 5 stars (review coming June 1, 2020)

Fairy Tail Volume 12 by Hiro Mashima — 5 stars (review coming June 15, 2020)

Fairy Tail Volume 13 by Hiro Mashima — 5 stars (review coming June 29, 2020)

Fairy Tail Volume 14 by Hiro Mashima — 5 stars (review coming July 13, 2020)

Fairy Tail Volume 15 by Hiro Mashima — 5 stars (review coming July 27, 2020)

The Last Smile in Sunder City by Luke Arnold — 3.5 stars

The Honey Don’t List by Christina Lauren — 4.5 stars

Whew, that was quite the list of reads for the month. Seriously I had a lot of fun reading this month and definitely found some books that are contenders for my Top Ten Reads of 2020 from April to June, so that’s great. Unless something bad happens, I have a feeling that this will be my best year of reading in a long time.

All right, next it’s time for the book haul portion of things, starting with the OwlCrate unboxing.

I think I’m really going to enjoy putting together the Moony puzzle, and the book sounds rather interesting. Clearly I enjoy having another notebook, as those are handy to have around. Same with the tote bag. And Damian really likes the wooden phases of the moon banner, so I gave that to him to add to the decorations in his man cave. I actually do like the OwlCrate version of this cover better than the original. The people are a bit closer and bigger, and the cover has this wonderfully eerie glow to it, almost as if it is bathed in moonlight, which is great. Plus those sprayed edges.

And, before I get into the rest of the books for my monthly haul, I want to talk about some other purchases I’ve made lately.

The stickers I bought off of Redbubble and they are from a dozen different artists. A few of the stickers are for Damian (and he already put them up in his man cave) and the rest are going on my art wall collage. The metal art prints are from my friends at Colorworld Books, and I love the metal art, but it is not easy to capture their beauty in a photo because of the reflection of light. Maybe I’ll think of doing a little video of them in my Instagram stories or something. I might pick up some more art this weekend. We’ll see.

As part of the bookhaul portion of today’s post, I need to do a shout out to The Book Loft of German Village in Columbus, OH. After some requests on social media, they complied and decided to offer a Malamarkus Mystery Box. You pay a single price for the box, tell them in your order comments what genres you would like, and then they fill the box with items such as books, a tote bag, bookish pins or stickers, etc for you. I have purchased two of these boxes, and it’s really fun to get a package where you have no idea what books they will select for you. The first box I ordered I gave them the genres of Epic Fantasy, Paranormal Romance, and Manga, with a couple examples of authors/series for each. I loved the selections so much that I picked up a second box, asking this time for fiction that makes me feel like I’m playing Dungeons & Dragons.

What’s really fun about both of these boxes is that they ended up having books for both Damian and myself. In the first box he got Dr. Stone because he watches the anime and wanted to try the manga, and The Starless Sea because I already owned a copy. In the second box I gave Damian The Last Wish, Heart & Shadow, and The Shadow of What Was Lost, again because I owned all of them already. What is really funny is that I had just bought and received that last one from my Barnes & Noble order a few days ago. Oh, and Damian also got the tote bag because I already have one–in that exact same color.

Okay, now for the standard bookhaul segment of the post.

Along with picking up the two books in her Dasreach Council series that I didn’t have, I also was able to buy that lovely Beauty and the Beast stained glass cloth mask from author Josette Reuel as well. We are now required to wear masks while at work, and I wanted to have a selection of cloth masks instead of relying on the disposable paper ones they are going to hand out at work. Though I’m still trying to figure out a good/easy way to be able to get a drink while also working on the factory floor, because the masks make you overheat even faster and that means you dehydrate even more.

Finally I guess it’s time to talk May TBR. I am sort of participating in Moody May, hosted by Kathy from Books and Munches and Destiny from Howling Libraries, and the whole point of Moody May is to read whatever you are in the mood for, which is perfect for mood readers who don’t like TBRs. But I’m sort of a mixed reader, because I enjoy having a somewhat planned TBR and then picking up mood reads to supplement my reading. So, I have made a rather ambitious TBR, which will probably be supplemented by shorter mood reads.

See what I mean? This stack of books is massive. Why am I doing this to myself? Honestly it’s because I seem to pick up thick fantasy reads as the weather gets warmer. I don’t even know how many pages are in these 10 books. So, yeah, I was curious and checked and those ten books are 6,276 pages.

Now that doesn’t include the fact that I’m in the middle of three or four other books that are also around 500 pages each. What can I say? I do love a good lengthy read, especially right now when my weekends are not filled with running around or playing D&D for hours and hours.

April Wrap Up and May TBR Hey all, Dani here. Greetings! I usually like to do these monthly wrap-ups on the first of the month, but I had a couple post office delays with the delivery of my OwlCrate and a Book Loft package, so I decided I would wait one more day since the shipment tracking said I would get them both today.

#Anime #ARC #Book Releases #Books!#Conventions #Gen Con #Manga #manga review #Movies #National Library Week #Reading #Reading Challenge #Tabletop Games #Video Game #Young Adult

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dust2dust34 · 7 years

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Pieces of Always: February 2034 (FICoN ‘verse)

Life continues after Forever is Composed of Nows.

by @so-caffeinated (and @dust2dust34)

Summary: Thea shows up to help with a school project, but brings a little more honesty than Felicity is ready for.

An ongoing non-linear collection of family moments for the Queens. (You do not need to have read FiCoN to enjoy this, but it will spoil the end. Please see the first installment for additional author notes. Thank you @jsevick and @alizziebyanyothername!)

A/N: Please see the first chapter for an important Author’s Note. The effervescent @so-caffeinated is fully in the driver’s seat and she’s kicking all the ass, so please go send her your love!

A/N: Janis and I have started a Redbubble account for FICoN! The first thing we have up is our Ellie the Elephant tattoo that we got a few months ago - check it out here! (Her awesome husband helped to make it more Redbubble-friendly.) More will be coming soon! If you have any ideas for something you’d like to see, let us know!

(read on AO3)

February 2034

Truth be told, Felicity should never have expected it to take this long for the truth to come out. Any reasonable person would have anticipated their secrets coming to light long ago. But it’s been years, decades even, and she’s grown complacent as time has worn on.

She’s also, apparently, forgotten that her sister-in-law is both sharp and crafty.

Thea Queen is more than capable of keeping a secret, but she’s also more than capable of waiting for the opportune moment to out it.

Traitor.

It had all started innocently enough. Nate has a school project on genealogy and - Nate being Nate - he hadn’t been content to make due with the information and photos on his sisters’ family trees from years past. No, he needed to do his own work from the ground up with raw data and new photos. It really hadn’t mattered that the information gathered and presented would be exactly the same. Not to Nate.

So, he’d started with census data. Oliver’s side of the family is the easy half of things. The Queens and Deardens have been well-documented public figures for a very long time. And Nate traces back to the early-1800s with ease. Felicity’s side is a bit harder… especially her father’s half. It’s not like he’s ever been around. Felicity has a vague memory of her paternal grandparents, but it’s her mom who fills in the gaps the most. Nate doesn’t seem to pick up on anyone’s discomfort with the conversation - he’s so very naive sometimes - but it’s not an easy talk for any of the adults involved.

Frank subtly rubs Donna’s back as she relays as much as she knows for her grandson’s sake and Felicity’s glad for it. Frank’s been at her mom’s side for just over a decade now - has stuck around longer than her own father, now that she thinks about it - and while Felicity’s surprised they haven’t gotten married, for all intents and purposes he’s her stepfather.

It’s strange, she thinks, to know that isn’t true in the other universe, the one the first Ellie came from. She wonders what else is different, how many other changes that magical little four-year-old inadvertently caused. But, ultimately it doesn’t matter. Her mom seems happy here and it sounded like she’d been happy in that other timeline as well. And that’s the part that counts.

Donna has a few pictures she brings with her, ancient things tucked away in a box somewhere that she long ago left to collect dust. Some, Felicity hasn’t seen in ages. Some, she’s never seen at all. And, in spite of herself, she finds she’s enraptured by the yellowed pictures of her grandparents and great-grandparents on both sides. It’s not them exactly, who pull at her attention. It’s the echoes of her own children she can see in their faces. It’s Ellie’s smile on her grandfather’s lips and Jules’ angular cheekbones on her great-grandmother’s face and Nate’s eyes looking back at her from her grandmother’s picture. And really, how could she be expected not to be pulled in by that.

It’s jarring, leaves her thinking about people she hasn’t given a thought to in decades, but that part isn’t the problem. No, the problem is the next day when Thea shows up with a sly smile and huge bag that Felicity doesn’t have the foresight to question.

Regret, on that front, comes quickly.

“I already talked to Grandma,” Nate points out as Thea navigates her wheelchair over to the coffee table.

“Oh, I know,” Thea assures him. “But Grandma doesn’t have the good stuff. She’s all facts and formal photos. You come to Aunt Thea for the real stories.”

That should’ve been another big clue, but at this point Felicity is more concerned about her husband’s secrets than her own. Oops?

“Besides,” Thea continues. “Jules and I had a lunch date today so she could spruce up my wheels more.” She gestures dramatically at the partially painted side of her wheelchair.

It’s new, the wheelchair. Thea had put off getting one for longer than she probably should have, but the need for more help than her cane had been a hard admission for her to make. It had been a decision she’d made at Christmas, when she realized the only way she and Roy were going to be able to enjoy the trip she was giving him was if she had a bit more mobility. She’s not completely reliant on it - not yet - but she’s using it more often than not and she seems equal parts relieved by how much more she can do and frustrated at her own needs. In her own typical, off-handed way, Jules had offered to help her make it a little less sterile, a little more her own, and the two of them had gotten to work planning out a way to make Thea’s chair a bit more fashionable.

Felicity isn’t sure she’s ever seen her husband as grateful to anyone as he was to Jules after finding out what she’d done.

“I’m here,” Jules announces, tromping into the room in paint splattered jeans and a battered KISS shirt. She has a bucket of spray paints in hand.

“You are not doing that in my living room,” Felicity says immediately, eyeing the paints and her 19-year-old daughter in turn.

“Obviously,” Jules replies, rolling her eyes. “We’ll take it out back in a bit. You check out the new ramp yet, Aunt Thea? Dad and Uncle Roy played carpenter. Don’t worry. It’ll hold. Will and I jumped up and down on it a lot just to make sure.”

Felicity quirks her head to the side at that with a hint of a grin tugging at her lips. What a mental image that is… their 19-year-old daughter and 25-year-old son jumping up and down on a ramp. It’s equal parts thoughtful and childlike, two qualities that Will seems to bring out in Jules. She’s glad for both.

“I have not checked it out yet,” Thea tells her, looking every bit as amused as Felicity feels. “But I will. That dad of yours had turned into quite the handyman, huh? Ramps everywhere.”

“Not everywhere,” Nate counters, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He can be so serious, sometimes, so literal. “Just the ground floor.”

“Well, that’s probably enough,” Thea tells him, leaning in conspiratorially. Nate looks relieved at that, like he’d thought his aunt might be upset she couldn’t traverse the entire house, but he’s also clearly still unhappy about her restricted access to their home.

Limitations on Thea’s mobility seem to bother Nate more than anyone else. More than Thea herself, even… at least judging by the face she presents to them all - Felicity’s not entirely convinced she’s as accepting of the changes to her body in private as she is aloud. But, Nate is such a feeler, such a sensitive kid, and he wants the whole world to shift to accommodate his aunt rather than see her struggle. He wants everything as unchanged as possible. Reality is a lot harsher than that and it forces him to catch glimpses of how his Aunt Thea’s body fights back against the effects of her condition and decades of treatments she’s put it through. Nate mostly handles this by metaphorically sticking his head in the sand, but sometimes he’s visibly frustrated and defensive instead and Felicity hasn’t been able to figure out how to help him through it.

It’s going to be so very hard on him when Thea inevitably loses her struggle. It’ll be unthinkably hard on all of them, but Nate…

“Where’s my Ellie-bug?” Thea asks, looking around and snapping Felicity back to the present where her sister-in-law is alive and coping relatively well. A swell of guilt rises up at her thoughts a moment before. It’s unfair to Thea to fast-forward to the end of her journey. It’s unfair to all of them, really. They have her here now and treating her like the embodiment of what’s happening to her is a disservice to everyone.

“She went for a run with Dad,” Nate says, craning his neck to try and catch a glimpse inside the canvas bag Thea is drumming her fingers against on her lap. “She’ll be back soon, I think.”

“Good,” Thea grins. It’s an impish smile and for an instant she looks like the teenager Felicity first met all those years ago. “She won’t want to miss this. I come bearing gifts. Jules, pull up a seat. I do believe you’re going to enjoy this.”

That’s more than enough to pique Jules’ curiosity and the smile on Thea’s face sends a premonition of dread through Felicity. Her sister-in-law is up to something.

“I’m going to tell you a story,” Thea says as Jules sits. She and Nate both eye their aunt with rapt attention. Felicity is every inch as interested, but a whole lot more wary. It’s well-founded. “Once upon a time, your parents got married. It was lovely. Well… aside from a scuffle we tried to keep from them, but that’s a story for another time.”

Felicity can’t help but snort and roll her eyes at that. Scuffle is a bit of an understatement, but hey… everything had gone off without a hitch in the end. Or, well, actually there was the one hitch, but it was the intended one, so that was sort of the point.

“But, what was-” Nate starts.

“Another time,” Thea cuts him off, waving dismissively. “Trust me, this is better.”

“Okay…” he says warily. And, bless him, he’s sitting there with his tablet in hand ready to take notes.

“So, your parents were getting married,” Thea continues. “And I put myself in charge of a lovely little video montage for the reception. Cute little snippets of their adorably sappy life together, which we projected down onto the tables like centerpieces.”

“I’ve seen that,” Nate tells her, sounding slightly disappointed.

“Patience, my man,” Thea insists. “I’m setting the scene, here.”

“Sorry. Go on,” he nods, sitting back and watching her. Jules, expectedly, keeps quiet and soaks in everything being said.

“As part of my incredibly selfless and generous efforts, I tracked down as many pictures as I could,” Thea continues. This is when the warning bells in the back of Felicity’s head get loud enough she can’t quite ignore them anymore. “Your grandmothers were a huge help, but so were old news clippings, the Lances, old college roommates...”

“Thea, what does this have to do with genealogy?” Felicity asks, a dangerous tone to her question.

Unsurprisingly, Thea just grins wider, looking as chipper as can be. “Understanding our background better is genealogy, right?”

She’s stretching things, but Felicity lets it slide… for the moment.

“Part of the point of a family tree is seeing just how human your ancestors were,” Thea says, looking back to the kids. “It’s not just names and dates. It’s how they lived, too. It’s knowing that your dad’s great-great-great uncle panned for gold, but was so bad at it that he quit and opened a tavern instead. It’s knowing your mom’s great-great grandmother invented a part still used in railroads today, even if her husband got all the credit.”

“She did?” Nate asks, wide eyes turning to his mom with more excitement than she’d have expected. But then Thea’s always been good at building up a story.

“Yup,” Felicity replies with a smile. “Somewhere my mom has a box of things that belonged to my dad. There’s a letter in there that his great-grandmother wrote to the local paper, calling them out for crediting her invention to her husband. Of course… her husband was more than willing to call it his own. And both of these things tell you everything you ever need to know about my father.”

She’s learned bits and pieces about her dad over the years. Her mom has given her a glimpse now and then, little windows into what her dad was really like. As best as she can tell, her father is a greedy, manipulative, brilliant man who will use anyone and everyone around him to his own benefit. Given her high profile job and marriage as well as her extreme wealth, Felicity suspects her mother thought that her dad would try to find a way to insert himself into her life and exploit his relationship with them. But she hasn’t seen her father since she was a little girl. That he’s steered clear of them shows that maybe he has one redeeming quality, anyhow. She doesn’t need him in her kids’ lives.

“See? Family trees are great,” Thea’s chipper voice chimes in. “They’re even better when they come with art.”

Let it never be said that Thea Queen Harper doesn’t know how to make a dramatic presentation. With great flourish, she tosses the top of the box aside, grabs the photo on top and slaps it down on the coffee table.

For a long moment, everyone is utterly silent as Felicity’s cheeks flush and her skin pales simultaneously.

“Oh. My. God,” Jules announces before cracking up in riotous laughter. “Oh… Oh that’s…”

“That’s not mom,” Nate says. His poor little voice is so uncertain.

“Thea,” Felicity admonishes.

“Family history’s important,” she replies brightly.

“Oh my God, mom, the ankh and everything.” Jules is positively cackling with amusement. She can scarcely catch her breath and her eyes are tearing up through her laughter. For all Felicity’s embarrassment, she can’t help but think this is worth it for Jules’ reaction alone. She’s so very beautiful when she’s expressive and happy. Nate’s reaction, however, is another matter entirely.

“That doesn’t look like mom,” he says. It’s so uneasy, so quiet that Felicity might not have heard the eleven-year-old had she not been specifically listening for him.

“Oh, that’s me,” she tells him as she sits down next to her little boy and wraps an arm around him. “People change, Nate. We learn and grow and refine who we are as we do. I wasn’t born with dyed blonde hair and a pair of heels, you know.”

“Did you go listen to death metal while reading Anne Rice in the cemetery or…?” Jules asks. God, she’s so amused.

“No,” Felicity counters. And it’s true. She did not do those things… simultaneously, anyhow. “I mostly spent a lot of time on the dark web raging against The Man.”

“To be fair, The Man had it coming,” Jules acknowledges. “Do you still have that jacket somewhere?” she asks, a hopeful edge to her voice. The smile seems permanently affixed to her face at the moment and Felicity finds it’s contagious, spreading across her own lips even as she shakes her head at her daughter. “If you do, can I borrow it? That thing is vintage awesome.”

“Pretty sure I Goodwilled it before you were even born, but I’ll ask Grandma Donna if she happens to have it in a box somewhere since apparently she was hoarding things from my goth days,” Felicity replies.

“It doesn’t look like you,” Nate says again. He’s clearly having trouble processing this.

“Wait til you see the pictures of your dad,” Thea tells him, leaning in with a devilish grin. “There’s his mugshots of course, but there’s also one I like to call his serial killer picture.”

“No, I mean… it’s just…” Nate starts, his brow furrowing as he shakes his head and looks down at the picture of his mom. “It’s just, she looks like Jules.”

“Excuse you, I do not wear all black,” Jules protests with a snort.

“I didn’t mean that,” Nate huffs. “I mean she looks like you. Or, I guess you look like her. Just like her.”

Felicity looks back to the picture with fresh eyes. She hadn’t been thinking about the shot in terms of her older daughter, but now that it’s been suggested, she sees the likeness immediately and it’s way more than just genetics.

She’s nineteen in that shot, the same age Jules is now, and with her hair dark and her skin paler, she really does look strikingly similar to her daughter. Glancing up at Jules, she finds the teenager biting her lip and staring down at the picture with smiling eyes. Her cheeks are rosy and she’s only barely masking how deeply this affects her. It’s unexpected, but maybe it shouldn’t be. Her whole life, Jules has needed to see more of a connection to her parents, but fought against showing it.

“I’ve always seen a lot of myself in Jules,” Felicity says. Ostensibly, she’s responding to Nate, but in truth her words are for Jules. The girl’s eyes snap up to meet hers at the statement. There’s a soft sense of surprise and gratefulness there, a window into the vulnerability Jules so rarely shows, and Felicity finds herself mirroring the look almost exactly, a small smile tugging at the edges of her lips.

The moment is interrupted by the sound of the front door, though, and all four of them turn to find Ellie and Oliver returning from their run. They must have really pushed themselves because they’re both a sweaty mess and Felicity finds herself gnawing on her lower lip as she looks her husband up and down. He’ll be fifty next year, but he’s still in the best shape of anyone she’s ever met and she’s so affected by him that her skin tingles just at the sight of him. It’s like her nerves awaken whenever he’s near, like they’ve learned to anticipate his touch. By the time she finishes skimming her eyes down his body - and that takes a minute because his sweaty shirt is clinging to his abs and God damn but that’s worth spending some time looking at - she finds him looking back at her with a wolfish grin.

“Gross,” announces Thea loudly. “Save it for the bedroom, would you?”

“We didn’t do anything!” Felicity protests, head snapping to the side to look at her sister-in-law. Her flaming cheeks probably don’t work in her favor, though, and Thea clearly doesn’t buy a word of it.

“We could, though,” Oliver adds. And, oh… he’s in that kind of mood, then, isn’t he? Well that’s just delightful. Felicity finds herself distracted by trying to come up with plausible ways to escape with her husband without making it super obvious precisely what they’re doing, and the conversation around her only barely registers.

“Ew, Ollie,” Thea gags, wrinkling her nose.

“I don’t come into your house and give you a hard time about staring at your husband, do I?” Oliver asks.

“If you do, can I come? That sounds like fun,” Jules says.

“Why are adults gross?” Nate sighs dramatically.

“Hey, what’s up with the mopey look, Jules?” Ellie asks. It’s that last question that pulls Felicity back into the moment and she looks toward Ellie to find her quizzically appraising the photo on the coffee table. “That’s a little over-the-top for you, don’t you think?”

Part of Felicity wants to protest that it is not - in fact - over-the-top, but mostly she finds herself just blinking at her not-quite-sixteen year old daughter. She and Jules look a great deal alike, yes, but to be confused for each other by her own daughter…

“That’s your mom,” Oliver laughs, looking over Ellie’s shoulder.

“It is?” Ellie gasps, her eyes darting between the photo and her mother’s face and back again. “Really?”

“Really,” Thea confirms. “And that, my darling niece, is just the start of what I’ve brought along for the day. There’s a whole box where that came from. Just want til you see the goods I’ve got on your dad.”

“Thea,” Oliver groans.

“Fair is fair, brother-mine,” she tells him, her tone absurdly cheery. “I’ve been looking forward to this day too many years to turn back now.”

“Fine,” he sighs, relenting. He always caves when Thea’s involved. Felicity suspects he always has. His sister means so very much to him.

“Great!” Thea claps gleefully. “Shall we start with the mugshots or the party pictures? My personal favorite involves him drunkenly wearing someone else’s underwear as a hat while he and your Uncle Tommy played Twister with a bunch of sorority girls using dyed whipped cream.”

Nate turns so beat red at this idea that he looks like he’s got the worst sunburn in history and Felicity honestly feels bad for her poor, sensitive little boy.

“Dad!” Ellie protests with a sharp laugh, looking over her shoulder at her father who has his lips pressed tightly together as he nods at his sister.

“Keep it PG-13, Thea,” Oliver directs.

“Obviously,” Thea scoffs. “They can google for the rest of it.”

“No,” Felicity counters. “They really can’t. There are advantages to marrying a computer wiz, you know.”

“Have I mentioned lately how lucky Ollie is to have you?” Thea asks, head quirked to the side. “Because he is. Like, really lucky. Like ‘won the lotto’ lucky.”

“I’m aware,” Felicity smiles. “So is he for that matter.”

“Good,” Thea says crisply. “He should be. Now… back to my treasure trove of evidence from my darling brother’s less wholesome days.”

“This is gonna be a really long day, isn’t it?” Oliver asks, rubbing at his brow.

“Maybe for you,” Thea grins with a shrug as she grabs another photo from her box of evidence. “Now… kiddos… I present to you exhibit A…”

By the time Thea’s done, Felicity’s not sure who’s more embarrassed, Nate or Oliver, but Thea’s beyond gleeful at her presentation and that means a lot. Will stops by with a pile of laundry near the end and reacts pretty much opposite to his little brother. But then Will and Oliver have always had a lot in common and Felicity suspects he loves seeing the younger, goofier side of his father. Ellie mostly just shakes her head at her dad in some mixture of amusement and judgement, which is a combination that seems universal amongst fifteen-year-olds.

Jules, though… Jules pays little attention to the photographic evidence of her father’s boyhood antics. She winds up holding the picture of her mom, looking down at it with a soft kind of joy that rings entirely true. And Felicity… Felicity finds herself paying more attention to that than the teasing going on around her.

She’s not surprised at all when Jules slips that photo into her pocket, keeping it for herself. But she is surprised when Jules offers her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she and Thea eventually make their way out back to work on the wheelchair art. Everyone else’s embarrassment aside, that reaction alone makes the entire day worth it. And, in spite of Nate’s suddenly inability to look his father in the eye and Ellie’s joyous taunting of her dad, Felicity’s pretty sure Oliver agrees. As Will raids their fridge, Nate scurries upstairs with his tablet and a few choice photos, and Ellie disappears to go take a shower, Oliver wraps his arms around Felicity and presses a lingering kiss to her temple.

“I love seeing her happy,” he says, looking toward the doorway Thea and Jules had disappeared through.

He could have meant either of them. His statement surely applies to both, but Felicity instinctively knows he means their daughter.

“She’s so beautiful when she smiles and laughs,” Felicity agrees, leaning back against him.

“Of course she is,” he says. A chuckle rumbles through his chest and she feels it through her whole body. “She looks just like you. And I’m so very glad she does.”

Felicity looks back over her shoulder at him with a blatantly affectionate smile, reaching up to touch his sweaty hair. She can’t mind. “You know… as much as I love this amazing hug, now we both need a shower.”

“We do,” he agrees, raising one eyebrow at her. It somehow manages to look suggestive and she unsuccessfully fights a shiver going down her spine at the sight of it. “We should probably shower together. It’s important to save water, after all.”

“Did you use that line on a girl after the whipped cream Twister game?” she asks. It’s all amusement at her husband’s expense.

“Not successfully,” he laughs. “If I remember correctly, Tommy shoved me into the pool and I wound up falling asleep on the lawn. I woke up to find someone - and by someone I mean Tommy - used a Sharpie to draw some dirty pictures on my chest.”

“It could’ve been worse,” Felicity points out. “It could’ve been on your face.”

“That’s how I know it was Tommy,” Oliver agrees. “Now about that shower…”

“Lead the way, stud,” Felicity winks. “Just don’t expect me to play whipped cream Twister on the way. I’m bendy, but I’m not that bendy.”

“Flexibility is all about practice,” Oliver grins widely, taking her by the hand and heading toward the stairs. “And I’m absolutely willing to help you train for that.”

She laughs at him, open and brightly. “So selfless of you, Oliver. Of course you are.”

He just grins, winks and - ultimately - follows through in a very, very thorough way.

Thank you for reading! Reviews literally feed the soul and muse, so go send some to @so-caffeinated!

#olicity #ficon #forever is composed of nows #pieces of always #olicity fic #oliver queen #felicity smoak #nathaniel queen #julianna queen #ellie queen #thea queen #arrow #arrow fanfiction #fanfiction #my fics #my fics: cowritten #so-caffeinated #dust2dust34

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kiraelric · 8 years

Text

Personal Crap Below cut. - long post -

Okay I need to get this off my chest before it explodes.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do at this point.

My husband received a back injury on the 14th of November of last year. We believed it was a simply pulled muscle but almost three months later we’re still doing this.

It started in his mid-lower back from lifting a box of crowns (bottle caps, he works for a Brewery). He felt something twinge and he finished his shift. He went back into work the next day and his back was still sore and bothering him so after about 3 hours of his shift, his team leader sent him home with a doctor’s appointment the next day.

The Doctor told him he had a strain, put him on some medication and sent him on his way. He was home for two weeks due to his restrictions and his medication making him dizzy. We’ve seen the doctor every week since Nov. 14th. (excluding the holiday week). By week 3, my husband mentioned that his pain was crawling upwards and it felt like he had constant heartburn - to which the doctor informed him that he had a chest wall strain. Well he was sent to start Physical Therapy on Dec. 28th and has gone twice a week since + his doctor’s appointment.

He was on a 10lbs weight restriction, nothing that involves his depth perception and no operating heavy machinery - including driving. No continuous setting, no continuous standing, etc etc. He can’t even pick up our cat.

Well after speaking with both my husband and the Physical Therapist, the doctor was made aware of a tingling pain sensation going down my husband’s left arm. He was scheduled for his first MRI on Saturday Jan 14th.

The MRI operator asked my husband if he had ever had any neck injuries after he was done, to which my husband replied “not that I’m aware of” and then we had to set on that until the 19th. The Doctor then explained that was because he has what is referred to as “The Chiari Malformation.” But an extremely minor case of it. Because of this, the doctor we had been seeing for two months decided to send up to a specialist. So now we’re at a fancier doctor that is even further away. This doctor has moved his PT sessions to his office so he can keep a closer eye on my husband, changed around his medication, given him an EMG test last Thursday and scheduled him for his 2nd MRI on Sunday. (Tomorrow)

Now despite the fact that these tests and such are on workmen’s comp, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s on a No driving restriction, and this is murdering us on gas. He’s been at work, but instead of doing his usual position and getting the overtime he normally work, he has been working desk work with HR, and as such his weeks have become shorter and thus he’s getting much less pay.

We got lucky last month with car insurance, realizing that I sat it up on a four month pay plan and we don’t have to pay on it again until March, but that doesn’t stop other bills like rent, food, electricity, etc. This month was also other such bills like driver’s license and license plate renewal due to my birthday being the 23rd.

So that brings me to the problem. We have exactly enough money from his last pay check to make rent. Nothing else. He gets paid every two weeks, and luckily we got food from my parents. So at least there’s that.

But he’s our only true source of income.

I was injured in a car accident in 2014, and I can’t formally work. So I take on art and costume commissions to make extra money. My creative skill is literally all I have to offer, and while selling shirts on Redbubble and Teepublic bring in a small amount of extra money it’s normally not enough to help much. I have opened Costume Commissions completely to the public, and I am working on posting a formal post for true Art Commissions instead of just my emergency commissions.

However, functioning as is caretaker right now there is literally only so much I can do. He still has back pain, and sometimes ends up taking a half day at work due to being in so much pain. We’re barely scraping by and it’s stressing me out. The other complication we just ran into is, I have 1 pill left of my antidepressants for my Bipolar but I need to go to the doctor to get more, and I need money to do that. We don’t even have the money to pick up my new glasses that have been setting at the eye doctor for about a week now.

We have about a half tank of gas and four appointments and work to go to in the coming week. He will not get paid until the 11th. So that’s three more appointments and another week of work. After rent we will have $7.

I want to cry. I want to scream.

I did our taxes, but I don’t know when the refund will be here so I can’t bank on it. I can’t take that chance. So to say I’m stressed is a little bit of an understatement. I have found myself unable to sleep or care for myself, due to being constantly on call to care for my husband.

So I guess what I’m asking is when I post things for costume commissions / Art commissions please seriously read them and reblog them if you cannot help. I am purposely taking on more than I normally would just to make some extra money. Before my accident, I worked a professional seamstress so I promise quality in my work, and I am an animation major so I get obsessive with my art work.

#Personal crap #rambling #home life #i need help #and i'm acknowledging that #i'm stressed out guys and i don't know what else to do anymore.#as i have a panic attack while i write this

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