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queercraftingchonk · 3 years

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A Real Life Mass Effect Love Story, shared on N7 Day 2021

This is the story of how my boyfriend introduced me to Mass Effect, and how--after a mental health crisis interrupted my first playthrough of the trilogy--I returned to it (thanks to the recent Legendary Edition) and that same partner [evolved from bf to: spouse!] helped me finish the trilogy for the first time; now he reads my ME fanfiction every weekend with me...💕

[Bonus cute handfasting pics at the end for those who read thru this dorky gaming anecdote]

So, it's early 2015: I graduated from college less than a year before. I was working part-time and lived with my boyfriend and his long-time roommate. We'd been together for a little over a year at that point. Playing games together was/is one of our main shared hobbies. (He was excited to get his PS3 back from repair when we met because the recent remaster of the DuckTales game had just come out on PSN.) I had missed the Mass Effect Trilogy entirely. I knew of it vaguely, but was unfamiliar with Bioware. My partner knew me and my love of science fiction (SF). He owned a physical copy of ME1 and suggested I play it after I finished whatever RPG I was playing at the time.

Once I got to the Citadel the first time and spoke to the volus and elcor ambassadors, I was HOOKED. I wasn't a fan of shooters (and remain reticent to play them) but role playing as a powerful "psychic" woman in a space opera invested in talking about alien politics? Sign. Me. UP.

I wilted sadly when my excitement over dating Tali was dashed with a two-for-one disappointment my bf had to break to me: (1) the ONLY non-human romance option in the first game is Liara; and (2) Tali is ONLY romanceable by Sheploo. (As a bisexual, I sensed Tali's kinship. Years later, I discovered she WAS intended to be bi, but the weird morality panic that FOX / conservative news shoved at Bioware, after a PG-13 lesbian scene involving Liara became public knowledge, led the developers to run with more cowardice in the second game when it came to queer characters and romance scenes. Bi Tali and Pan Jack were intended to be canon.)

I decided to go for Liara, because of course. Why would I want a HUMAN?! (I have the maturity to now admit I am a shameless alienfucker & monsterfucker.) Kicked Ashley out on Virmire (only now doing a playthrough to appreciate her) and had my bf help me be sure Wrex survived. I liked Garrus though steered him more in the paragon direction of my Shep (and general morality when playing games).

When I beat ME1, my bf was EXTREMELY EXCITED. "Mass Effect 2 is one of, if not my, favorite game of all time. I played it a shameful amount of times," he admitted. Our roommate agreed and teased that they could probably recite several dialogue trees from memory just through osmosis of sharing living room space when he played on console. (He played the trilogy as they were released--and so, to prepare for the third and final game, and knowing the series was known for its branching storylines and consequential choices, he made over 12 distinct save files with varied choices, including an everyone dies in the Suicide Mission save.)

When Garrus *fucking* Vakarian sighed, man spread his digitigrade legs, and spoke in that joyful but tired dual-tone as he reunited with Shepard...WELP, I prayed the goddess would forgive me for having to break up with Liara. (But really, let's blame all these games for refusing to engage in ethical polyamory. Fools.)

As many first timers, I was FLOORED by the opening of ME2. Like..what? ...w a t ??!? Shortly after Shep woke, I just turned to my boyfriend, PS3 controller in my hand, and shouted: WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS?! I was ~feral~ for my crew. My partner, bless him, did *not* spoil who Archangel was, but he *did* have to push me to do that dossier mission first in order to sate my unease being on a HUMAN SUPREMACIST SHIP with STRANGERS (except for Joker, the one joy I had). (Also bless my partner for urging me to let myself indulge in renegade replies sometimes by explaining the morality system better, cause there's such good content in the renegade stuff and also fuck Cerberus.)

I continued playing, but would stop suddenly after recruiting Kasumi Goto. It wasn't the fault of the game; I was really enjoying it. I was eager to get Tali and Liara (though was sad Liara wasn't a squadmate) while my bf quietly vibrated excitedly in anticipation of seeing my reaction to Legion. (We both ADORE robots / AI / synthetics in fiction, and as an IT guy, he found how the geth are written to be very compelling and thoughtful artificial intelligence in SF.) However, a mental health crisis derailed everything.

One hospitalization later, I had no job, new medications, a place on a therapist's wait-list, and a list of activities I once enjoyed that no longer gave me happiness. Game Grumps provided some of the only bits of comic relief I enjoyed besides the comfort I still got from my bf and roommate. (A fun[?] fact: when our front door broke on a -20°F blustery day, the landlord came over and made jokes about the Fire Code where he put the insurance issues ABOVE our lives as priority, laughed it off when called out by my bf, and then chided us about the lease while I was freezing and having a panic attack; we had to huddle at a nearby Dunkin's for warmth while he shoddily put plexiglass on our door as our poor cats hid from him and the cold.)

Eventually, I crawled from that crisis thanks to a personal support network and having insurance through my dad's work as a letter carrier. Medical and student debt were accruing, but I still had privileges that helped me through.

But...for a long time, returning to ME2 only reminded me of that awful time. Eventually, the years passed where I felt I'd rather restart the trilogy than pick up from my old save file. We’d have to fiddle with the consoles currently hooked up to do so; it seemed to much of a hassle. But then...

Summer 2021: My partner and I have been married for 3 years now; I came out as non-binary 2 years ago, in part thanks to the huge support he gave me. I come to learn about the Mass Effect Legendary Edition available on the PS4. I struggled finishing my second semester of grad school (which has interesting problems thrown in due to the pandemic). My partner wants me to treat myself after I hand in my last final paper. When I mention that I heard about the ME:LE and am considering trying the trilogy again, he grins from ear to ear and eagerly supports my purchasing decision.

It’s fun to get back into it, but I did not miss the Mako, the clunkier combat, and the more limited romance options again. I just really wanted to get back into ME2, but I needed to complete the trilogy, carrying over my data and everything. I make Scáthach Shepard, a sentinel spacer war hero. (How I role played her ultimately informed the Jane “just” Shepard of my main fic How to Love a Biotic God(dess).) I ask for my spouse’s help. He remembers how I roleplayed my paragon femshep and recalled all the important decisions I made in my first playthrough. (He does accidentally sacrifice the Council instead of saving them, though, and while I was upset at first, he really showed how it didn’t matter at all and now we flip off the council together.) With his help, we get through ME1 quickly but thoroughly.

I startup Mass Effect 2 and SPEEDRUN to Garrus. (I did romance Liara again for the first game, btw.) I am just like, "shut the fuck UP Jacob/Miranda, we are GOING to OMEGA!" (Apologies to Miranda...just Miranda.) My spouse is delighted watching me play his favorite game.

I quickly realize that, the only logical explanation I have for Shepard's penchant for speeches, talking to everyone about all the issues, and her plucky charisma that somehow translated well to a Quarian court martial is that she definitely, absolutely did Debate/Mock Council at the academy. (This headcanon becomes canon for my and my spouse when we watched Shepard, in ME3, yell at the quarians and the geth SO GOOD that she solves the SF alien version of the Israel/Palestine conflict.)

Shepard is a Debate Nerd. It is obvious.

When I begin the Garrus romance (after wanting to strangle him over his CaLiBrAtiOnS because ME2 really lacks the casual dialogue/banter of the other two games) I am immediately CHARMED. That line about him respecting Shepard more than anyone in the galaxy? Perfection. Iconic. I am DRENCHED. His worry over interspecies awkwardness? Not wanting to ruin his cornerstone friendship? His awkward euphemisms and flirtations? I ADORE THEM in part because I cannot help but think of my partner. I tease him about it--especially some of the lines he tried to use to be cool on our first date. Let's just say a Heat Sink euphemism would have been more tactful. xD

As my spouse expected, I LOVE Legion the moment I meet the geth prime unit. We talk at length about how the geth work as a society and just geek out over them generally. I don’t do a full “blind” playthrough because I refuse to lose a SINGLE crew member on the suicide mission. (My partner warned me about an eventual “turning point” to watch out for, and I correctly anticipated that point to be the Reaper IFF mission.)

When Garrus’s cabin romance scene comes, I am delighted while also railing against Bioware for the most CHASTE SCENE ever. Where is that flexibility test they were talking about, hmm?! The whole thing is sweet as hell, even if I wanted Scáthach to get. that. turian. dick! (If my life had a narrator, it would be here they would say: “...and thus the seed of desire to read fanfic was planted after nearly a decade of drought regarding interest in fanfiction.”) I start ME3 the same night I beat ME2. I am in DEEP. It is summer. I am determined to beat this trilogy thoroughly before my last semester of grad school starts at the end of August.

My husband helps temper my expectations about the ending of the last game. However, he never played the DLC for ME3 and finds it adds a lot to the overall experience of the trilogy’s end. I managed to befriend Liara after breaking up with her and then absolutely have Scáthach become a one turian kind of woman. I am in deep, ya’ll. I am smitten. The hand hold when they reunite on Menae? WOOPS, HYPERFIXATION TIME!

I cry so much in the last game. Frequently, good tears of narrative catharsis. Curing the genophage with Mordin? Helping Legion upgrade the geth as he sacrifices himself and Shepard saves both Rannoch races? *chef’s kiss* And of course, the Citadel DLC is a fucking delight.

Finally, the ending comes, and with my utter love of EDI and the Geth, I CAN’T choose anything other than synthesis, based on how I understand Scáthach Shepard. “No Shepard without Vakarian.” WEEPING. “I...love you too.” I am DEHYDRATED. Then the blast of green light, an epilogue with giant fucking implications, and then...it is done. I hold my spouse and feel that immense emptiness at the end of an incredible RPG. I become agitated over synthesis at the same time I wonder if others role played their Shepards as trans like I did. I remember that I have an old Ao3 account I never really used...

Within weeks of completing the trilogy, I’m on Ao3, I make a new Tumblr after abandoning the site in 2013 due to Witchblr toxicity, and finish my first fanfic in ages--Just Shepard, an explicit imagining of the Shakarian ME2 romance scene with a trans woman Shepard based directly on my Scáthach. (I realized that Shepard’s preference of using her surname could actually come from using it when she was seeking out a preferred name, and ended up finding it more comfortable to use. Hence my fic just had her choose Jane for herself as a legal name, but actually preferred being called Shepard.)

I start writing a longer fic of undetermined length that takes this particular Jane “just” Shepard and start reworking the Synthesis ending entirely using my very good geth boi Legion to pull some strings and stick it to the Catalyst. On my birthday, I upload the first chapter of what will come to be called How to Love a Biotic God(dess) and read it to my spouse. He is supportive and sweet. I am obsessed.

I apologize to him that I keep talking about Mass Effect and obsessing over it, but he is here for it and vindicated in his prediction that I would love this space opera game. As it becomes clear my longfic is going to be an ongoing project, and that I’m eager to share it, we slowly start a regular reading session together.

Eventually, the habit sets in: every weekend, when my morning bird husband comes to rouse his night owl enby wife, we cuddle and then open Ao3 on our respective phones. Along the way, he started using the Dragonball Z announcer voice to read the chapter summaries; he reads the narration and deeper voices, like Garrus, while I chime in with the higher pitched voices like Shepard and Tali. I am occasionally ribbed for spelling/silly grammar errors; he receives teasing back when he misreads something in particularly hilarious or terrible ways. 24 chapters in now, and this weekend ritual continues~

When I make our inside jokes part of my fic (like how I reacted VISCERALLY to the “teens” at Grissom Academy in ME3 looking like divorced 30-somethings with alimony to pay) he has to stop reading for a while to catch his breath from laughing. I share the posts I adore on Tumblr, and dive deeper into the Mass Effect fandom over a decade after the first game came out.

I love the stories I’m telling with these characters, and sharing said stories with a fandom I’ve found welcoming thus far. None of this would have happened had my partner not brought my attention to this trilogy six years ago--and if the Legendary Edition hadn’t came out (especially for the PS4, as I don’t have a PC capable of running AAA games). I wanted to take my first N7 Day to share this personal anecdote with ya’ll. Video games can be so meaningful as art as well as a shared hobby. <3

I want to keep pics of our faces off Tumblr, but managed to throw together a cute little collection of photos from our handfasting a few years ago to give some image to my tale of dorky love:

(Yes, that is a Dualshock controller as well as a D20 hard chocolate cupcake decoration...)

#mass effect #mass effect trilogy #mass effect legendary edition #gamer couple #queering the gaymes #nerd love #friends to lovers trope #but real #mass effect spoilers #N7Day2021 #N7Day #shakarian #inspired #spouses who play together stay together #mass effect fanfiction #how to love a biotic goddess #behind the scenes

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hollyhomburg · 5 years

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Call Me Yours (Pt. 7)

(BTS x Reader) (Hybrid Au!) (Blind! Reader)

Summary: Sometimes Jungkook gets very very needy, especially when Hoseok gets busy with work. lucky for Jungkook- you and Seokjin are extraordinarily experienced at providing comfort. W/c: 9.3k Tags: Polyamory, Non-sexual hickey’s (framed as hybrid marking/scenting behavior), Needy bunny Jungkook, references to Yoonmin, Jinkook, and Namkook, brief references to heat/rut cycles, mild angst, A/n: I am probably the least happy with this chapter out of all of them so far but! oh well! only a few more parts to go until the series is finished! and this chapter is kind of dedicated to everyone who has ever wanted to cuddle bunny Jungkook! Song rec: Bibi - Nabi

- Jungkook wakes up to the sound of Yoongi yowling next door. He wakes in a haze, his mind decends through the fog of sleep lingering and clinging to him. Why does his head hurt? Why does his chest feel a little scratchy? he rubs his eyes, ears quirking of their own volition towards the sounds of Yoongi and Jimin spilling through the open window. The room is too hot the air conditioner turned off in the weird half cold heat of the end of summer.

- And yet The bed is cold enough that Jungkook knows it must be late into the day and hours since he’s been the only inhabitant. Hoseok must already be at work. He trips over someone’s pajamas on the floor as he stumbles over to the open window to look down on the scene below.

- Jimin in Yoongi’s lap, straddling him where he must have pounced on him and surprised him, thus the yowl. Jimin ribs his cheek against Yoongi’s shoulder, then bites down, making Yoongi’s tail go all puffy and swipe back and forth. “Bratt” Yoongi grumbles out, though his eyes are closed, head tipped back to give him more access to his scent gland. “you like it” Jimin parries, getting up off of him so they can hurry over to your house, disapearing to where jungkook can’t see.

- Home is quiet, absent of Taehyung’s muted chirps or the sound of the x-box on the ground floor so he must be over at your place too, or bothering Seokjin to make something or begging pets off you like Taehyung just needs sometimes.

- His skin itches even when he itches it, and Jungkook feels heart achingly lonely in the cold house. He’s still kind of half-asleep like he left part of himself in whatever dream he was having, though this is partially his fault. He stayed up late last night playing videogames even after Hoseok had retrieved Taehyung for bed, and then curled up with all of them sometime after midnight.

- He wishes Hoseok was home, that it was a Saturday and that they could spend all day snuggling and folding laundry together. Or maybe take a trip down town to some sort of game store that Jungkook had heard about. Or maybe they could visit Hoseok’s sister across town.

- It’s been a while since they visited her though or even since they’ve done anything one on one. And he knows it has everything to do with Jimin and Taehyung. He doesn’t- he would never begrudge Jimin and Tae for how much affection they required- and when It comes down to it Jungkook loves them so so much. But sometimes, he just needs his human and needs a little bit of the kind of love he’d grown with.

- It’s no secret that Jungkook is a very needy bunny sometimes. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy being a protector or that he’s not good at giving affection to other people because really he can go either way. He’s just as happy to be in someone’s arms as have someone in his. To curl up in Hoseok’s lap or spoons him tae and jimin while they do the same But sometimes it just feels nice to be the little spoon.

- Hoseok has been working long hours as well. A quarterly project is just finishing up and he’s been stressed, at a mad dash to get it done before the deadline. He’s barely had time to do more than stumble over to your house to eat, maybe kiss you in your living room while a movie plays, then sleep (sometimes Hoseok is too tired to come home- sometimes he falls asleep oh your couch and Namjoon carries him to your bed, and he gets to curl up with Namjoon and Taehyung upstairs) and rinse and repeat the next day.

- And it’s not like Jungkook doesn’t have other places to beg physical affection from it’s just, human hugs aren’t the same as hybrid hugs, any hybrid would attest to that. He misses Hoseok.

- And if Jungkook really really needed it, he knows he could ask you. But your Cuddles are in high demand. Seokjin, Namjoon, Jimin, and even Yoongi always need your hugs, Taehyung especially is always throwing himself into your lap while you workand whining until to surrender one hand to his ears. And really- Jungkook is fine- he won’t take away affection from those who really really need it and won’t distract you from work either.

- It would be selfish to take it from the hybrids that didn’t grow up with it like he did. In the grand scheme of things- Jungkook has had so many more pets than them- he can miss out on a few for his family.

- that and, you’re just so small sometimes. You’re the shortest one out of all of them by several inches, even when compared to Jimin or Yoongi who always feel so tiny in Jungkook’s arms. And every single time Jungkook thinks of you and sees you he can’t help but remember the first time he ever saw you, how you stumbled in fear and almost fell over because of him, how Seokjin growled at Jungkook to protect you.

- To protect you from Jungkook.

- Jungkook had never thought of himself as threatening before that moment. He’s a prey hybrid, a big bunny and probably the most non-threatening person to ever exist. Jungkook can’t help but always think about how fragile you are, not that you’re not capable. But you are particularly vulnerable to Jungkook’s bursts of excitement and movement, which of course happen when he’s most comfortable. And because his comfort seems to be a danger to you- he just can’t let himself relax fully when he’s around you.

- It’s not that you’ve been avoiding each other- it’s just that it’s easy maybe, to let it slip through the cracks. Both you and Jungkook are careful and quiet and a little excitable at times but mostly content to go with the flow of the others as opposed to fighting against the grain.

- Jungkook sits on the king bed and tries to resign himself to one decision or the other.

- logically Jungkook knows he could go over and ask you for cuddles. 2 weeks ago- when he broke down in the hospital you were more than happy to hold him but asking for it when he’s not like that- when it’s not a crisis- feels diffrent. After Hoseok’s injury last month (which has thankfully healed up rather nicely- though the pink burn scar on his forarm is still tender) you’d gotten marginally more comfortable around each other but the last little bit of awkwardness just won’t go away.

- So he won’t ask- can’t. Especially when he’s feeling vulnerable unsure like this, tempting intimacy from you would probably only make it worse and only make him feel more vulnerable.

- A small voice in Jungkook’s head that sounds supcisiously like Hoseok’s low thrumming murmur asks him if he just thinks it will or if it actually will. Either way, he resigns himself to hybrid only cuddles for probably another 4 or 5 hours until Hoseok gets home. He pouts, and no one is there to cup his cheek, rub a thumb along his lower lip and sooth away his grumpyness.

- And there is a little bit of irrational anger that says to call Hoseok and bitch him out over the phone and wouldn’t be the first time either. There have been a few times- back when they where first balancing Hoseok’s new job with what Jungkook needed- and ballanced it badly. But it’s a good thing they communicate well. But he won’t call knowing how stressed Hoseok is and how much Jungkook’s discontent would really weigh on him.

- Maybe Jungkook isn’t feeling capital N-neglected, but like alone neglected. The way that some of Jungkook’s vegetables are neglected in his small garden (a garden that Namjoon help him put together half way through the season) because when it comes down to it he likes working in Namjoon’s garden a lot better than working in his own.

- eventually he decides, that at least he could go over to your house and see if the other hybrids are at all intrested in a cuddle puddle, he puts on his comfiest grey tshirt ( threadbare and worn a little at the edge but so smooth that it almost makes him vibrate with sensory pleasure) and decends the stairs. Alone, Jungkook stumbles over the property line and finds Yoongi and Namjoon headed back out already with Jimin snuggled down in between the two of them- off to some book shop in town.

- Namjoon looks soft but good in his shorter than usual pants showing off his thighs and his baggy tan shirt that gives him sweater paws that fold over where he holds Yoongi’s hand in his. Yoongi looks adorably soft but steady today too, his eyes heavy lidded relaxed but aware,

- Jimin looks flirty as always his navy and red patterned shirt opened to show all the hickeys he’s gotten proudly (Jimin loves loves loves showing them off. And loves giving them even more- he’s so nibbly) Jimin’s brand new bright red color tinkles with the bell on his neck proudly when he bounds up to press a kiss to Jungkook’s pout with a loud smack.

- But none of them look like how Jungkook feels right now, and he doesn’t want to ruin the mood with how shivery tattered he feels when they all look bright and powerful and energetic. The way that they’re all tripping over each other with inside jokes and teasing jibes already has him feeling even more exhausted.

- All Jungkook wants is quiet today. He wants to quietly garden with Namjoon at his side or maybe lie out in the grass with Jimin and Yoongi and let them reorder his head and clear the fog. He definitly does not want to go into the center of town where there will be people looking at the 4 hybrids, alone without human escort (it’s not illegal- just unusual). Jungkook’s itching uncomfortably just thinking about it. He doesn’t want to spoil there fun either.

- Namjoon’s smile drops into a frown when Jungkook declines and Namjoon reaches over and soothes over his ears and down his back. But it’s not enough affection for Jungkook right now- not when he needs long prolonged hugs and hard squeezes to feel steady at all. So he steps away, says he’ll just hand out with Tae until they get back. The others don’t notice anything’s wrong but Namjoon sees right through him.

- Jungkook can see the hesitant question on his tongue of ‘do you want me to say’ but before he can offer, Yoongi and Jimin call his name from the front of the house and Jungkook gives him a little push and a strained smile in their direction.

- Taehyung happens to be absolutely no help at all to Jungkook’s touch starved skin, already asleep on your couch after having stolen a sweatshirt from each of you to cuddle with. He crumples them up near his face nosing into one of yours purring in his sleep even as the scent of all of you invade his nose.

- Jungkook just sighs, presses a kiss to his for head and wonders if he should just go back to his own bed and burrow under the covers until Hoseok gets home. Jesus, Jungkook just misses him so much sometimes it’s absolutely ridiculous. But before he can make a choice, your voice sounds from the other room, “hey is anyone around?”

- Jungkook is alarmed, following your voice into your walk in closet where you stand with your back to him in a large white shirt and black leggings, trying to heave a box onto the top shelf. “I’m short and am in need of assistance of someone who is probably not Jimin or Yoongi!”

- “I got it” Jungkook says, carefully supporting the box and pushing it up onto the top shelf. His hands cushioning yours, his arms cradling yours to support the trembling weight to Jungkook it barely weighs anything at all. And oh, he can feel your warmth, your elbow brushes over his shoulder, so tempting for him to wrap his arms around you, whine into your shoulder until you give in and let him sit with you while you work.

- “Thanks’ Koo!” Your chirp, “just finally getting around to putting away some of our winter clothes, though he seems a little ridiculous seeing as it’s July already and fall is just around the corner,”

- You lean back, or maybe you just straighten up but either way your shoulders perfectly nestled in between the bounds of his arms and he shivers a little violently before he steps back because- that’s right- can’t ask for your cuddles- can’t because Jungkook is bad at vocalizing for the things he wants sometimes.

- And oh no- from the way you turn and look at him you’ve definitely felt his shiver, the way only you’re attuned to it. He blushes, “No-don’t worry- it’s ugh, no problem,” your eyebrows furrow, almost subconsciously. He hates that he knows he doesn’t sound normal, his voice low and a little sad, a little rough from just waking up.

- “Are you alright koo? You seem a little off today?” there you go again using that little nickname that has his insides melting like chocolate on a s’more, gooey and soft at the edges, trapped inside the tension of his chest. “What are you talking about?” he answers shakily, but it sounds even unconvincing to him. You lay a soothing hand on his bare arm and he resists the urge to lean into it.

- You make a noise in the back of your throat and sweep Jungkook up in a hug regardless, burying your head in his chest, arms viselike around him. The way his body relaxes almost instantly is comical, like the marionette strings of stress are cut when he has someone’s arms around him, he folds in, making a noise in the back of his throat in surprise as his whole body relaxes after another pleasant shiver.

- His bunny tail twitching behind in in time with his quivering ears. “you don’t have to- I’m sorry I’m just-“ he stutters then stops, lets himself enjoy it his arms coming up to squeeze you in tight.

- You lift your head up at that- and Jungkook, might recognize that he needs to let you go, he can’t make himself, “sorry you probably have to go to work,” he mumbles, though his arms don’t lessen their hold on you, you just hold onto him tighter in response hands splaying across his back. They run down his spine and over the nobs delicately and he feels the tenseness in him relax by another increment.

- “Why didn’t you just ask for a hug if you needed one bunny?” you murmur. “I’m not- I swear I- I’m f-“ his words break off into a whine the moment Seokjin finds his way into your closet, “I just finished recording if you want to- oh Jungkook! what’s wrong?” he says when he sees that you have an armful of a very pliant, and exceedingly adorable bunny boy. He’s looking blushy but also near falling asleep in your arms, the bags under his eyes a little worse than they were yesterday.

- he steps close to press his open palm just above the collar on his shirt on the back of his neck and jungkook nearly whimpers. There are several laws of the universe and one of them is that if any of their pack needs comfort then Seokjin will be there to provide it. So he steps in close so that he’s all pressed against jungkook’s back and Jungkook is certain he would be purring in happiness if he were a cat hybrid.

- It feels wonderful to every inch of him that is touch starved to be so sandwiched in like this and smothered. He doesn’t answer, can’t yet with all of the affection blurring through him and getting him all soft, like the not quite sleep fog but so much better.

- “Koo just needed some cuddles,” you say, a smile toying at the edge of your words, Seokjin’s large hand cards over and through Jungkook’s hair and his ears, the sensitive pink curves at the ends of them making him let out a little squeak. But all too soon you have to let go, Jungkook feels his fingers fisting in the back of your large white shirt.

- You detangle yourself from his arms and- fuck, after such sudden affection he’s almost needier when you pull away. he feels wetness pricking at his eyes even. But he lets you go because even now, he still is a little shy- still a little bad at articulating that he needs you to hold him close and not let go for a long time.

- “hold on- just give me a moment to go get my laptop so that I can do some work while we cuddle - In the big bed if you want? You look a little dead on your feet bunny” Jungkook’s brain is short circuiting almost wants to collapse in relief and he really does stumble as Seokjin takes him into his arms and leads him to the plush and puffy affair in your room. “Wait you mean? You’d do that for me?”

- Your eyebrows pinch together, “of course?” like you don’t understand why he’d even ask, why he’d be so shy to get affection when you give it to the others.

- The king-sized bed is unmade and smelling of the 4 of your little unit. Jungkook straightens at your words even as Seokjin shoves him playfully onto the bed, “you mean you- You want to cuddle me?” Jungkook asks, flushed face and all, because in reality you actually haven’t had all that many intimate moments with Jungkook, but still he matters to you- matters and you care about him, you want to give him everything he needs and more.

- That and, spending the better part of the day curled up with the bunny boy and Seokjin isn’t that disagreeable of a position to find yourself in- not that you mind much at all.

- You step in close, reaching out your hand for him to nuzzle into, his skin feels warm and flushed under your fingers, for a moment, a different realization tugs at your consciousness, and you remind yourself to ask Seokjin to text Hoseok about Jungkook’s heat/rut schedule soon. “I want to give you everything you need Jungkook” he blushes again and presses his face in close to the dip of your ribs.

- “I’ll get some snacks” Seokjin says happily, he thinks he has some of Jungkook’s favorite ginger snap cookies and carrot juice in the frigid while you separate yourself from Jungkook without much complaint once you promise you’ll be back in a second and sets about making himself comfortable.

- Jungkook burrows under the many layers of covers feeling the delicious weight on top of him press him in close. It pleases the bunny instinct inside of him making his tail shiver and tremble in happiness.

- There is something different about this blankets- it really does feel like a den as Jungkook pulls all of him as tight as he can get under it. The smells of everyone swathing him and swallowing the last bit of him that feels shy over his neediness. He presses his nose to the sheets and bundles the edge of the blanket under and close to his chest to get more of Namjoon’s woody and piney scent picking up on Seokjin’s other muted caramel canine scent, Yoongi’s sharp spice coffee and yours- endlessly deliciously sweet.

- Jungkook steals your pillow and hugs it to his chest, a noise building in his throat until you and Seokjin get back. You feel around in the bed for a moment. “Where is he?”

- “We have a burrowing bunny on our hands” Seokjin laughs, settling on the other side of Jungkook as you fold in closer your hand on his covered back under the covers. The pressure on his back up the rungs of his spine is delicious in the way it quiets the half-sheiveryness of his skin. Seokjin sets the tray of munchies on the side before both of you pull back the covers to get under them and swath Jungkook in, though he remains fully under the covers while you and Seokjin manhandle him into the right position.

- Jungkook lies on his side while you sit up, your laptop balanced in your lap, Jungkook is under the heavenly weight of the weighted blanket his little cottontail twitching and flicking in happiness. He hesitates as you scoot closer to him, his arm reaching around to settle on your hips, you shuffle close to him and he uses it as permission to press his face into the line of your shirt and hip. his legs tangle with yours easily.

- His hair can feel the coolness of the air- but he enjoys the oppressive heat, he imagines that it must be his hybrid instincts that are making this- the burrowing feel so nice. Especially when you reach down and hand and find his hair, combing over his ears and through his hair. Seokjin presses against his back flicking around on his phone, his hands carving a slow path back and forth across Jungkook’s shoulders.

- Jungkook is reduced to an absolute puddle.

- His ears flick and twitch half underneath the blanket touching your arm and making you dispense tiny rubs here and there between your typing. Jungkook hums and lets himself relax into the scent of all his family around him, nose stretching and twitching subconsciously in search of more and more.

- He finds his nose pressed to the spot that usually Namjoon must find himself in, face pressed to the sheets, even nibbling a little to get the scent everywhere, and the delicious, more heavy that usual weight of the blankets.

- “Why is this- why is this so nice?” his voice is thick and slow, his words nearly slurry with how relaxed he is, he’s definitely going to fall asleep if he closes his eyes. If he tilted his face up it would be outside the blanket but he doesn’t not even when your hand curls under his chin and scratches a little.

- And just like that the last bit of tenseness is fully removed from under Jungkook’s skin. He dosent even open his eyes, just leans his cheek into your palm. Jungkook can’t imagine why he would ever deny himself this- he’s seen Taehyung and jimin drink underneath your touch, even hoseok too, the way he tilts his head when he kisses you when he thinks no ones watching. Or the way he looks, so enraptured and relaxed at the same time. He gets it now, not that he didn’t before.

- “It’s a weighted blanket- Namjoon got me it for my anxiety,” you say the last words softly, and that has Jungkook’s eyes opening up wider and tilt up to catch Seokjin’s expression too. The heavy eyed breath that he lets out, the strained smile down at Jungkook that says they’re a story there.

- He’s more than a little surprised- because he didn’t know, Hoseok has anxiety too, or had more accurately, though some markers have never gone away even if Hoseok’s anxious days are rare if not non-existent. But he’s not sure you know- if you and Hoseok had have that conversation before. And either way- it’s not Jungkook’s story to tell- not really, though maybe a little bit.

- Hoseok’s anxiety is the reason why Jungkook was purchased for him after all. and he never would have met without it.

- Hoseok used to have panic attacks as a kid. His parents tried everything short of medicating him. And then as a latch ditch effort; they’d gone to a hybrid adoption agency. Jungkook still remembers the words he’d heard when Jungkook had first seen Hoseok, gangly, with a face made for a smile even if he was clutching at the edge of his mothers shirt.

- “We have sever bunnies available from he same litter that are around his age, you understand that dog hybrids are preferred for mental health companions,” and then later when Hoseok had been left in the room alone to choose, three of the bunnies hopping up to him and overwhelming him until he climbed up on the plastic play tubing that Jungkook was hiding in.

- And Jungkook’s shy smile “it’s okay- we can hide together” reaching out his small hand for Hoseok to take and pull himself up- even though Hoseok was older, Jungkook had already been and stronger, able to heave him up to his hiding place. And that hand- they hadn’t let go of each other after that.

- The change was nearly overnight, Jungkook became Hoseok’s support animal, his companion, you couldn’t see one without the other- and even though Jungkook had had his own room they’d never been able to stay to their own beds.

- Of course- the anxiety had come back whenever he and Jungkook had to be separated for exams or field trips or on the rare school day. Thought his elementary school and high school had been accommodating, especially after Jungkook had gotten registered as a mental health hybrid.

- Though he’s gotten so much better in recent years, hasn’t really had anxiety or any symptoms since college, Jungkook can still occasionally see the tells under Hoseok’s surface, a particularly labored breath when driving, when he gets a report back and the tremor when he runs his fingers through his hair. telltale signs of the tension that won’t ever really go away, even if he doesn’t have panic attacks anymore.

- Maybe you and Hoseok are more alike than anyone realizes, “oh” Jungkook closes his eyes and burrows back under the covers. “that was nice of him” he responds, treating it how he knows Hoseok would want him too- blank acceptation of your confession.

- Jungkook fingers along your hip bone, changing his position so that he can cuddle up to your midriff under your shirt, can thumb along the adorable little bit of tummy pooch that he wants to bury his face in once he feels how soft it is and this little bit of peach fuzz above your belly button, the same spot that Taehyung has gushed about being his favorite place to cuddle. That jimin teases a nibble at whenever his head finds it’s way into your lap.

- For a moment, he exults in all the closeness, feeling all the pieces of what is unexplainably family jostle into place just a little bit more.

- “it’s really nice, this is really nice” he stresses, pressing his face close to your stomach as you tug the weighted blanket more fully around you, nosing under your shirt to feel the skin of your hip against his cheek. Under the covers in the protective darkness.

- The middy day passes like this: you and Seokjin talking a little above Jungkook, quietly and not too loud, laughing sometimes when Seokjin reads you an article, the voice command software on your computer reduced to a slight beat underneath the dampened weight of the covers. Jungkook warm and smothered in, falling asleep somewhere in between a phone call you have with an executive about some document that wouldn’t transfer over.

- “just download it as a pdf and it should go through” you stress, barely containing a little bit of tired annoyance, and when you get off the phone, your stressed sigh, your hand flopping down onto Jungkook’s back, “I swear none of these old stockbrokers know how to work a god damn computer.”

- When he wakes, it’s too the sudden moving weight of Seokjin getting above the covers, Jungkook’s hands strain to tug him back. And Seokjin’s quiet chuckle in response to Jungkook’s whining. He’s still not feeling particularly verbal, too sleepy. “Sorry bun, gonna turn the aircon up because it’s getting a little warm for me.”

- A second later the air conditioning reeves a little louder comfortable white noise, your body is softly curled around his and Jungkook knows enough about the pleasant and soft rise of your chest and your unusual stillness to guess that you’re sleeping without pulling himself up above the covers. But he does anyway just to see you. Your sleeping face, lips a little parted and hands pillowed. Seokjin gets back in on your side of the bed, to that he can ferry snacks over to Jungkook.

- Seokjin curls over him, holding a glass of still cold carrot juice out for him, “want a sip bun” Jungkook makes a noise and sits up a little more to take the straw between his teeth and suck little tiny pulses, blushing at the way Seokjin fixes him with an adorably fond expression offering a cookie from his own hand after he’s had enough, and somehow, it tastes better when Seokjin feeds him.

- Seokjin looks almost a little predatory above him, his black ears standing at attention, he gives a playful growl and nibbles at one of Jungkook’s ears, Jungkook squeaks around the straw, a happy alarmed sort of squeaking. Seokjin is so rarely playful- but he can’t help it, the bunny just looks too sweet and squish able in his bed.

- He feels possessive and protective in the way that alphas do, because of course he will take care of his Jungkookie and his y/n, of course he will do everything in his power to make sure you’re both comfortable and soft and happy in the afternoon laziness. Suddenly the urge to cook and provide sparks along his spine, an instinctual urge that will only get worse when the others get home.

- But for a little while longer, Seokjin will find comfort in Jungkook’s arms that pull him more snugly close. Sometimes it’s easier to give comfort that too receive it, and Jungkook is nothing if not a willing vessel for all of Seokjin’s affection.

- Between the two of them, you sleep on, unaware of the way that they’re nuzzling in close enough to taste each others breath. He and Seokjin cuddle up a little as you nap next to them, Jungkook’s hands running up and down your back as you curl into his side, he feels so much better already, so much less fragile and touch starved. His skin feels all fuzzy and pleasant, his head too.

- It’s not necessarily a smaller headspace, but Seokjin is watching over Jungkook and you as if you’re something precious and strong but oh so breakable. Its so wonderful not to be in charge for a few hours, to have Seokjin take his weight.

- Seokjin flips on the TV and keeps it at a low drone; you barely stir next to them, only moving further into the warmth of Jungkook’s soft sleep shirt. “Thank you alpha” Jungkook mumbles, blushing when he realizes what’s slipped out, but it doesn’t seem too unwelcome, Seokjin kisses his forehead in response, and Jungkook can feel Seokjin’s tail thumping up and down on the bed.

- At the same moment, Taehyung stumbles through the door or more accurately, the door frame, his knee hitting it the a crack that barely makes tae pause.

- “oof you okay Tae?” Seokjin says. Taehyung hopps up and down rubbing at his shin before he stumbles, whines, and plops himself on the bed. “didn’t tell me you where having a den cuddle puddle,” Taehyung whines, eyes barely open as he worms his way in-between you and Seokjin so that he’s pressed against Seokjin’s front and spooning your side.

- Seokjin laughs, and teases “brat.” but lets him do it, running his fingers through Taehyung’s cinnamon mop, you stir with the sudden addition of tae into the bed making a noise in the back of your throat at tae mouths along your shoulder without even saying hello. Seokjin wants to laugh because how do you get that needy

- “Jimin?” you guess at the new presence of a mouth, “nah it’s Tae” Jungkook giggles as Taehyung little pecks become more drowsy kittenish licks along your throat. You stiffen and shift, your arm coming up to comb through Tae’s hair, Tae purrs in happiness and hello, and promptly closes his eyes and goes back to sleep.

- Your phone dings on the bedside table and Seokjin checks it while you get increasingly flustered at the attention of Taehyung. He misses the way that Jungkook also leans his head forward into your neck, shyly prodding there with his nose, “is it okay if I?” you laugh, a little sleepy too, your hand laces it’s self with Jungkook’s, squeezing it reassuringly. At this point- you’re no stranger to the way that some hybrids scent mark.

- “You can Kookie, don’t worry, I’m not going to think its weird,” Jungkook sets himself more firmly over you, his leg slung over you hip. He’s so fuzzy with all the the affection buzzing through him that he barely registers the words Seokjin’s relaying from Hoseok’s text. No Jungkook’s not supposed to go into a cycle until a few more months, why is he acting needy? I’ll be home in a little bit, wanna go out to see a movie maybe, or can we go out for dinner- I have something to tell you when I get home.

- He nuzzles his nose in first, your scent settling over him like a wave, as it’s teased into the air by the rubbing of his cheek against your neck. He gets a little bolder once he registers the way you’re shifting against the covers. He peeks over to see the hollowing of Taehyung’s cheeks, shifting his weight more firmly on top of you, caged in on both sides.

- Jungkook knows he’s probably sucking hickeys onto your neck (right next to the few that Yoongi gave you yesterday- but who’s counting). Seeing Tae do it gives him enough courage to finally lick a tiny little bit, small and gentle. A little cold and ticklish maybe.

- When you don’t indicate your displeasure he gets more comfortable, Your hand soothes through his curls and brushes them back along with his soft and sensitive ears over his forehead. with each suck and lick of his mouth you start to smell more like him. and make deep seated contentment flicker stronger in his chest. With each minute, he relaxes more fully into the ritual of bathing you in his scent like he’s only ever really done to Hoseok.

- Jungkook remembers the countless times he’s trapped the older human against the couch and sucked to his heart’s content. Hoseok always has combed through his hair and chided gently and a tiny bit flirty “What a possessive bunny we have here, gonna make sure everyone knows I’m yours”

- He whines at the memory, feeling his eyes flutter closed and his lips part as his licks get more generous, head buzzing with the taste of your skin, sucking a little on your shoulder, then moving back to the spot just between your jaw and your neck where your scent is strongest and also where your neck is the most senstive.

- at your responding squeek- Seokjin looks over at the two of them and you, tossing your phone back on the besdies table after returning Hoseok’s text. any thoughts he might have about what Hoseok might want to talk to you about going to the back of his minds when he sees how snuggled down you are by the other two hybrids. Seokjin feels himself melting with love and affection to see both of them curled around you so safe and happy, getting everything they need in Seokjin’s bed.

- Taehyung half on top of you, lazy and sleepy and cuddly, all hair mused and lips bit red, he can see Jungkook’s tail twitching happily under the covers as the bunny blinks slowly up at seokjin. His hand hooks over your waist the same moment Taehyung leg hicks up around your legs, tangling with yours.

- And between them, you look sleep ruffled and a little askew with the collar of your shirt pulled down as far as it will go, looking just as drowsy and soft as the hybrids do next to you, Your lips part, and your eyelashes flutter when their gentle ministrations start to really make you feel like jelly and more than a little squirmy.

- Seokjin reaches up a hand to smooth over the ball of Jungkook’s ankle. and another over the end of taes flicking tail. “fuck I love all of you so much” the words shock out of him.

- Taehyung perks up too sending smiling around his teeth which are nibbling on your skin, both of them are still too cuddle hazy to properly respond though Jungkook does extend a grabby hand. Seokjin makes a frustrated noise and flops on top of all of you Making you giggle and tae break off into a laugh as he encircles the three of you in his wide arms, and repeats the frustrated noise when he just can’t seem to get close enough, squeezing a giggle out of Jungkook.

- A dangerous move, because now Jungkook has moved his mouth from your neck to nose along Seokjin’s shoulder. “thanks for taking care of me when I’m needy” he murmurs, a shy blush painting his cheeks before he starts to suck onto Seokjin’s neck, rubbing his own cheek against it before he does. You smile up at him and he pulls himself a little more up into the mess of all your tangled forms.

- And oh, this might be getting a little sultry because both of you are kissing while getting hickeys from two very very nibbly hybrids. and as much as scent marking is a very natural and not necessarily sexual thing it is a little when Seokjin’s hand reaches out to tug on Jungkook’s bunny tail, his hips kicking up only to run right into your thigh, and Jungkook’s whines get a little bit more needy for a whole different reason.

- The king sized bed suddenly feeling too small for all the love you have. It spills out in rivulets into the kitchen, as you break apart and half sigh moan, hand clutching at Taehyung’s forearm as he hits a particularly sensitive spot on your neck. “sorry” you mumble, embarrassed, but Taehyung just snarls low and proud before attacking the spot again, this time for more gusto.

- But luckily the other hybrids have just gotten home. the front door opens, and the chatter of the kitties and Namjoon stumble through the door all floppy from the heat, glad to be inside and in the airconditioning now. jimin actually fell asleep in a reading nook while Namjoon and Yoongi playfully argued over which book was better. All of them feel a little bit hazy too.

- Yoongi calls out into the relative silence, after all- where is everybody? Usually, their home is all boundless energy and deep and sweet strange smells coming from the kitchen from Seokjin.

- Jimin walks in front of your door and does a double-take, suddenly shucking off his jacket as quickly as he can, his tale flicking when it comes loose from where it's been pinned. “Okay I need to be in the middle of this cuddle puddle right now,” he almost falls when his shoe slips off. Yoongi and Namjoon mumble and peer in as Jimin almost literally throws himself on top of Taehyung with little regard for the bounds of your Jungkook and you just giggle even as Taehyung whines about the Knobblyness of Jimin’s knees.

- Yoongi and Namjoon slump against the door, drinking in the cuddle puddle of hybrid’s and their owner, you and Seokjin, members of their family that feel like their carved from their literal souls at this point, both a little hickey bitten and sated looking gloriously put upon by affection.

- Yoongi’s hand brushes Namjoon’s, linking their hands by a pinky. Their tails too, yoongi’s sleek black one twining around namjoons bristly and shaggy tail. Namjoon feels shivers run up his spine. it's so strange how even though Namjoon’s nearly a head taller than the cat hybrid, their hands are still somewhat the same size. Sometimes he thinks about that- how Yoongi’s hands were literally made for holding, someone’s smaller hands- and how he’s literally so good at giving them all that they need, Jimin especially.

- At this point Jimin can give Yoongi just a little look and Yoongi will be by his side, ready to expense any type of affection that the other might want. It’s been beautiful to see- the way that yoongi has changed, become more comfortable at giving affection since the others have come into their lives. They’ve all changed in some way, and it seems for the better. Namjoon’s heart gives a little uneven stutter as he looks down at Yoongi, smiling at him, hair crimped a little from the heat. “Wanna make dinner?”

- From the cuddle puddle, Seokjin scoffs at the idea of it and starts to get up. Jimin whines and pulls a leg over Seokjin but of course, that won’t do because now he’s not touching literally everyone in the bed anymore and Jimin- Jimin just needs this physical affection.

- “As if you both could make a cohesive meal without me,” Seokjin says as he detangles himself from the hybrids and you on the bed, sitting up even though he has somehow carried Jimin up as well, Jimin’s arms are vice-like around Seokjin’s shoulders. And the hybrid is rubbing his cheeks all along Seokjin’s shoulders nipping at the hickey Jungkook left.

- “oh my god love let me go I need to make dinner with them” he laughs, large hands encircling Jimin’s wrists to wind himself out from under them. Jimin pouts, speaking through it even though it makes him harder to hear “kisses first then- I feel like a barely saw you today and that’s just not okay, I’ve only been kissed like- a dozen times” Seokjin smiles, mischievousness toying at his corners before he turns his sharp eyes on Jimin.

- “Really? i would have thought you’d make both Namjoon and Yoongi kiss you in the back of the bookstore,” Jimin goes perfectly pink, even the base of his ears flush with color. A laugh shocks out of Jungkook, and he sits up, hair flopping into his eyes, “really? Fuck- please tell me you didn’t get caught and kicked out again-“

- “Again!” you screech, though it's more of a laugh. Jimin whines, “it was only once..” Taehyung placates him though moving his hand from your hip to Jimin’s to rub out soothing circles like he does late night when they watch Jungkook and Hoseok scream over videogames. Taehyung pulls him back down and Seokjin is quick to press a kiss to everyone’s forhead before he follows Namjoon and Yoongi into the kitchen.

- Both of them are already arguing over what song that they want to play and Seokjin knows half of the fun of having the two of them in his kitchen will be watching the way that they love each other, every word a push and pull every touch a different move in a delicate dance.

- Yoongi and Namjoon have always been beautiful to watch when they’re in love, and Seokjin knows that they’ll gladly include him in all of the running jokes. And that they’ll take it well when he scolds them and accept that one of the ways that he shows them he loves them is by teaching them, and that they’ll be even happier to accept the kisses from him when they get something right.

- Above him, you nuzzle into Jimin’s sweet-smelling hair, pressing a kiss to Jimin’s forehead that has him turning pink and tilt his face up for more. Purring in tandem with Taehyung. Jungkook has finally grounded himself enough to really pull away and look down at you, on his side, legs curled in so that his knees are nesting with yours. laughing down at you when you placate Jimin by switching spots with him so that he can lie back against your bed with you snuggly pulled to his chest, and jungkook and taehyung on either side.

- When Hoseok finally stumbles onto the front stoop, his shirt is already askew from the workday, the stress lingers down his spine with the temerity of decision. And maybe if any of the hybrids paused they’d notice the tension there if they weren’t already tripping over each other.

- The second he steps through your front door Yoongi’s head perks up and he comes quite literally running to greet Hoseok, “hey there Yoon how was- oh” he chokes out before Yoongi starts peppering kisses all over his neck, making Hoseok stumble, hand coming up to grip around Yoongi’s neck and his hair. The affection isn’t unwelcomed at all- just surprises him.

- Namjoon walks over slower, more predatory making Hoseok shiver in his skin, chuckling and pulling both of them close when Yoongi starts to suck. From the kitchen Seokjin calls, “is Hoseok home? Tell him to get in here right now.”

- When the 3 older hybrids finally pull away from Hoseok, his cheeks are as red as his hair, lips bitten and wet with saliva. He shifts at the arousal pooling in his abdomen because as much as he recognizes this as just scenting behavior- that was a little much. The sauce burns a little in the pan but Seokjin swoops into salvage it at the last possible moment with an impatient growl.

- Hoseok is absolutely unraveled. His chest is dotted with hickeys with the first 3 buttons undone (by Seokjin’s swift hands). When he presses a hand to his neck he can feel the dull ache that says he’s been given a litany of marks. His hair ruffled and curly, looking dazed and more than a little surprised.

- “Not that I’m complaining but was there a reason for that-why?” he asks. Yoongi smooth’s a hand down his back, nosing through his red curls, Namjoon gives him nothing but a cryptic smile and equally as a puzzling response “Go out on the deck and see.”

- He’s almost winded by what greats him. You’re sitting on the table in Jungkook’s lap, and he looks strong and protective with his chin hooked over your shoulder to whisper to you about the cards in your hand while Jimin and Taehyung argue across from the two of you each huddled around a hand of their own (“of course we have to be on the same team if you are” Taehyung had complained earlier).

- jungkook must say something funny because suddenly you’re throwing your head back against his shoulder with laugher showing your neck- and exposing Hoseok to the line of hickeys trailing down below your collar bone. Maybe they go lower; maybe you have them on your stomach and on your hip bones and the thought that you might makes Hoseok dizzy. He has first-hand experience of just how nibbly his hybrid can be.

- Seokjin peaks his head outside too, giving Hoseok a wink, and Hoseok hisses too him, “who are those from?” because they definitely weren’t there yesterday when he saw you. Definitely a new addition.

- “Jungkook and Taehyung mostly, though I think Jimin put his two cents in.” as they watch, Taehyung howls with laughter as team Vmin loses terribly. Jimin smirks and holds you closer. But then Jungkook’s ears flick and take turns, his face breaking out into its boxy smile with a shout of Hoseok’s name on his tongue. And then he’s being swept up again, hugged and squeezed and kissed by his hybrids, Jungkook sets himself all snug against Hoseok’s back, his body shivering pleasantly and his little cotton tail flicking wildly.

- “I heard you got needy today bunny?” Hoseok laughs as Jungkook tries to bury himself in Hoseok’s shoulder in hello. At the table you stand, grinning in their direction. “Yeah, but it wasn’t anything a few hours of snuggling couldn’t fix.”

- “i’m glad, uhm” hoseok is suddenly shy, looking at you all relaxed and slumped agianst the table, while jimin and taehyung flicker about, “thank you for- Why don’t you go in the house for a second bun, I want to talk with y/n about something.”

- Jungkook quirks his head to the side his curly hair falling all over his forehead because they’re a tightness that he recognizes in Hoseok’s words that perhaps the others didn’t notice, but Hoseok nods down at him- saying he’s got it handled without really saying it. The nearly non-verbal way that they can communicate after so many years of knowing each other.

- Jungkook gives him one last lingering worried look before he disappears back inside taking Taehyung and Jimin with him and Closing the door behind him though the window is still open, and you both can her them join the fray of cooking and Seokjin’s “no Taehyung it’s still hot don’t-“ and Yoongi’s dry drawl after a moments silent, “you burned your tongue again didn’t you- no I am not going to kiss it better”

- He’s still turned in Jungkook’s direction when You wrap your arms around Hoseok’s waist from behind. Hoseok feels himself melting when you nuzzle your head into his chest in hello. And he lets himself laugh before the panic has a chance to really clamp down on him.

- “You’ve been hanging out with them all day- you’re starting to act like a hybrid,” he teases, setting a hand over yours and lacing it around his waist. You breathe in deeply, you wonder what he would smell like if you were a hybrid, but right now, he just feels comforting and like him, especially when you tilt your face up and he obliges you, pecking your lips in hello.

- over the past few weeks when you’ve embarked on this with hoseok- not much has changed, besides maybe, the fact that he kisses you when you get home, sleeps in your bed half of the time, and dosent seem to have a problem in getting close to you anymore. Neither of you do- the shyness you’d had at the begining of this is almost entirely gone, though there are still some moments- when you think things might be going a little fast. your hybrids might already be in love with you, and might not have a problem expressing it, but you haven’t been togeather long enough to really warrent that level of affection.

- “I'm glad you’re home They do have something figured out with all the snuggling- Jungkook especially 11/10 would and will cuddle again” Hoseok’s heart plummets, as he tries to laugh it off, tries not to let the fear he’s feeling at the prospect of the future conversation he needs to have poison this joy because really- you and Jungkook was the last piece that needed to fall into place with your “pack” as the hybrids have been starting to call it. And the idea of potentially damaging that makes hoseok fucking sad- “Yeah don’t let him hear that, you’ll have yourself a cuddle partener for life if you do” you pull back suddenly, and Hoseok’s shifts unsteady on his feet.

- It’s like you can feel the tension in his waiting to burst, to snap back and sting like a rubber band. “Hobi, is something up?” you ask, pulling away from him a little so that you can speak more firmly, your hands-on his taught forearms. “it’s nothing at all i-” Hoseok stops himself, knowing that if he dosen’t actually confess what’s going on the eventuality will probably be worse.

- “No it is something i just don’t want to say it because everything will change and then-” he breaks off, his throat closing up, he casts a glance back at the door to make sure it’s closed, it’s definitly better to have this coversation first with just the two of you before you bring your hybrids into it. You settle against the back of the table, pulling hoseok to lean next to you and grpping his hand, and it’s the most reasuring thing, how you with just a thumb trailing down the line of his hands you can make all of his anxiety just disipate. “What happened today?”

- “it’s about my job I ugh…” he pauses, taking a deep breath, and tries to make his voice not shake. the words rushing out once he lets them, unfiltered.“we finished up the project today and you know how we where having problems because my superior was basically taking half days and just not doing his job like at all right?” you nod, and hobi continues. “well after I went to the CEO yesterday to explain where we where on the project- we finished that today too- he told me that they where totally aware that my boss hand’t been pulling his own weight, and they implied that he probably wouldn’t be staying on so- so they fired him and made me an offer for his job.”

- Your joy is instant, but it doesn't reach Hoseok, it still doesn't quite stick, the worry and the happiness, the feelings of accomplishment and fear that sticks in equal measure and makes your plain happiness dissonant. “Oh my god! You should have texted me! That’s amazing we definitely need to celebrate,”

- You're nearly bouncing up and down and Hoseok feels a tiny tiny bit of his fear dissipating because yeah- it’s nice, his hard work and long hours he’d been putting in since his last promotion had been paying off. “yeah I guess it was a long time coming- since I’ve been basically running the whole department, and it means a generous bump in salary too- and other things,”

- His voice is dry, but he’s not just tired. why do you sense a but coming after the end of it- why does it feel like there is something to sour his accomplishment, why doesn't Hoseok sound happy at all? He sounds put out like an anvil is waiting to fall on the top of his head and he’s just trying to let you down slowly.

- “Why do you sound sad Hoseok? What’s wrong?”

- “I don’t want you to worry,” he says, and clearly, that only makes him worry more. You can’t take it anymore, you reach up a hand to cradle his cheek, and find his mouth turned down at the corners under your fingertips,

- “Hoseok, just tell me” you can hear his gulping swallow.

- “If I take the job,” he says slowly “and that’s a big if” like he doesn’t want to speak the words into existence, like he can tell how much things will change after he says them. “Then i’d be stationed at the main office in busan”

- “What do you mean” Hoseok closes his eyes, knowing that the next words are going to change everything, even if he doesn’t want them too.

- “It means I’d have to move Y/n,”

(Please comment and reblog! Likes are nice, but they do little to support content creators!)

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billdenbrough · 5 years

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stan’s nineteen when he first thinks to himself that he might want to kiss a guy. it’s not the first time he kisses one (fifteen, richie tozier, all nervous energy and unwieldy glasses knocking against noses and a best friend who’s desperate to be Good at kissing and wants to practice on someone he trusts, someone who he knows would never use it against him, and stanley will be that for richie until the day he dies) but it’s the first time that he wants to for himself.

his name is mike hanlon, he’s best friends with stan’s dormmate eddie, and rooms with both richie and eddie’s other best friend, bill. he also talks about emily dickinson when he’s high, brings bev coffee to their social theory classes, and helped richie steal a goat when they were both drunk and neither of them died. stan looks at his fingers—calloused and thick and strong, steadily drumming against his thigh as he thinks, nails uneven from being bitten—and imagines what they’d look like twined with his.

stan’s twenty when he thinks to himself he might want to kiss patty blum. she’s sweet, a little shy, and the way her eyes light up when she talks about translated poetry makes stan want to reach out and tuck her hair behind her ear. so he does. and she blushes, and it’s the prettiest thing he’s ever seen.

he doesn’t ask for her number that night, but she and richie turn out to be in the same poetry class (about the beats; they disagree on the work—richie is fascinated by the techniques and phraseologies they invent, patty is a bit too aware of what misogyny sounds like in the mouths of men convinced of their own aptitude to ignore it—but agree that while the beats kinda went Off in anti-war sentiment, they were by and large Awful People) and stan sees her again in a coffee shop with richie after class one day. this time, after speaking for another six hours, stan does ask for her number. she bites her lip, glances down, smiles. holds her hand out for his phone. stan looks at her fingers as they skitter across his screen, tapping in her number—they’re soft and rounded, moving quickly and precisely, lavender nail polish chipped. he doesn’t have to imagine what her fingers would look like intertwined with his. he finds out three nights later.

bill and richie throw a party in their dorm (it’s mike’s dorm too, but best as stan can tell, he mostly just let them do it in trade off for not having to clean it up the next day. somehow, stan thinks he’ll still end up helping clean. bill and richie are many excellent things, but competent with cleanliness is not one of them) and stan invites patty. he feels warm watching richie light up when he spots them, barrelling over and completely ignoring stan to spin patty in a delighted hug. he can’t help his grin when eddie and ben pop up, polite and welcoming and engaging. what he’s not prepared for, however, is the feeling that blossoms in his chest when patty and mike start talking. mike’s an english major, and possibly the best person in the world, and patty’s also an english major, and also possibly the best person in the world, so stan’s not surprised they get along. he’s just startled at how much it feels like having the wind knocked out of him. how breathless he feels.

he and patty aren’t dating, exactly. or, they are, but it’s early days. stan thinks she makes everything better, though. like the world is brighter with her laughter in it. so it’s not doing anything wrong to feel his heartbeat quicken sometimes when he feels mike’s eyes on his, to have a rare slow smile spread across his face when it’s two am and mike is talking sleepily to him, but it’s not exactly ideal, either. and stan’s not entirely sure what to do. he likes to think he’s well-equipped for life—an entire childhood with richie tozier will do that to you—but nothing has prepared him for this.

to make matters worse—or maybe better? stan’s never sure whether that tightness in his chest is panic or want or something in between—mike and patty keep hanging out. sometimes with stan, sometimes with richie or bev, but sometimes just by themselves. which obviously is fine. it’s just another thing for stan to have to try contend with.

he and mike kiss at a party, and it’s just a game, just truth or dare, and patty’s not playing—she’s sitting in the kitchen with eddie, the two of them carefully guarding their cups from the hot sauce richie is pouring into unsuspecting party-goers’ drinks, trading quiet observations and making each other giggle—but she doesn’t care that stan is, so that’s not what’s weighing on his mind, exactly. it’s the way his stomach swooped. the way his chest warmed. the way all he could think of was what it would be like to do that again, just for themselves, fingers entwined.

he stumbles away, and he probably looks drunk, but he’s not. he’s simply dealing with feelings that don’t make sense with the world he’s built for himself. so. like he always does when he’s not sure what to do, he finds richie.

richie has stopped pouring hot sauce into people’s drinks by now—why he was doing that, stan has no idea—so stan tugs him by the sleeve into a spare bedroom. “kinky,” richie starts, laughing, before catching sight of stan’s expression, and sobering up immediately. “all right,” he says, “lay it on me”

it all sort of tumbles out, mostly a mess of frustrated gesturing and alternating between heart eyes when talking about mike and patty & his voice cracking when he tries to explain the confusion. richie listens, brow furrowed, eyes intent. whatever anyone says about richie—and stan might say it himself, but there’s nobody he wouldn’t fight for richie, nobody he wouldn’t defend his best friend from—he cares, listens, tries.

“so you don’t like either of them better than the other...” richie muses, and stan hadn’t really thought of it in those terms, but that’s it, that’s true, that’s the crux of it. he could make a pros & cons list for both if he tried, but there’d be no point: the only thing on either con list would be the way he feels about the other. “have you considered that you like both?” richie asks, and stan. blinks

“that’s the problem, rich,” he says, and richie gives him a Look. “i mean,” richie says. “is it?” and stan doesn’t exactly know what to do with that. which richie clearly can tell, because he barrels on, “look, i’m just saying... you’re allowed to like both. especially if both like you. and... i know you better than either of them, but like, maybe they like each other too?” and it’s just. a lot. for stan to try unravel, but he thinks richie’s saying... it might not be either/or, and feeling like someone’s missing for the rest of his days. he thinks richie’s saying it could be and.

“like... a trio?” stan ventures, and richie clicks his tongue. “call it whatever the fuck you want, my dude. polyamory. ménage a trois. personally, i fuck with throuple.” (stan, in some part of his mind that is not currently trying to process everything else richie is making him aware of right now, decides immediately that he will never say throuple.)

they sit and talk for another ten minutes, and then bev pops up to say bill’s challenging richie to karaoke, and stan sends him off. he stays, sitting, thinking. dreaming. imagining what it would be like, patty’s hand in one of his, mike’s in the other. their other hands entwined too. his chest hurts. he thinks maybe it’s from sheer wanting.

patty finds him not that long after. she sits beside him, cocks a quizzical brow, half smile playing at her lips. “you disappeared,” she notes. stan looks at her, in her knit cardigan and pleated skirt at a house party, and thinks maybe he’s in love with her. it makes the next words both utterly terrifying and as easy as breathing. “do you like mike?” he asks. patty blinks at him, mouth dropping open slightly. “i like you,” she says after a moment, sounding confused, but also... maybe slightly panicked. or guilty? stan doesn’t know how to decipher that note, but it bolsters him. “i know,” he says softly, and it’s true. he does. he cares a lot about her, and he knows she cares about him, otherwise he’d never try ask her this. “i meant... as well.” he can’t believe he’s saying this. the power of richie tozier.

she just blinks at him, something complicated passing across her face. “do... you?” she asks, so hesitant that stan feels it scrape slowly across his heart, just like mike’s teeth did across his lips earlier, and, wow, he didn’t need that reminder. “i—” he starts, and she suddenly holds up her hand. “i think maybe mike should be here,” she says, and stan is freaking out a little, but she’s right, so he nods, and she just pulls out her phone and... does she have him on speed dial? who even uses speed dial?

mike comes up, glances in and steps into the room, looking shy and a little confused. “hey,” he says, “patty said you need to talk to me? what’s up?” stan’s heart is beating faster, but something about it feels. solid. steady, even. like all ground was invented simply to exist between the three of them, a meeting of the hearts and minds.

“stanley asked me an interesting question,” patty says at the same time that stan blurts out, “i think a lot about your hands.” mike blinks, patty throws stan a scandalised look before bursting into peals of laughter, and stan groans at himself. “i don’t know if i understand what’s happening here,” mike says. polyamory negotiations, stan thinks, but he’s not saying that out loud until at least three years after this is all dealt with.

“i’ve been having a crisis up here for two hours,” he says in the end, deciding to bite the bullet. if richie ever calls him a pussy again when stan’s had this conversation and richie can’t even ask out eddie despite having made a very embarrassing and frankly bizarre playlist about him, stan’s pushing him into a fountain. “because i keep thinking about you kissing me, but also patty kissing me, and also both of your hands, and it’s just a lot, and richie kept saying words, some of which i truly believe he made up, like what the fuck is a throuple—” and, hm. he did not mean for all of that to come out. eddie’s the motormouth and richie’s the trashmouth. stan’s mouth is meant to obey him. outrageous.

mike’s open-mouthed, and then he turns to stare at patty, who stares back at him. stan can’t decide if this is more or less nerve-wracking than them staring at him. but then their eyes are shifting. it looks like there’s a question in mike’s. stan wonders if he can find an answer in patty’s, the way stan always does. from the way mike’s eyes shine when he turns back to stan, he thinks yes. there’s an expression on his face, open and hopeful and earnest, and it’s so fucking beautiful that stan just... wants to kiss him again. and he’s resisted doing it for so long. literally over a year. and it’s hard, so hard, especially when mike looks like that, when he looks at stan like that, and stan’s tired. so this time, he doesn’t resist. he leans forward, and presses his lips to mike’s.

when he pulls away, mike’s smile is blinding. so is patty’s, for that matter. stan blinks at her, unsure if he should apologise, when she leans forward and kisses him. then, with a flush high in her cheeks, she glances at mike, and gently presses a kiss to the side of his mouth as well. it twists in stan’s chest, and this time he knows it for what it is: explosive, unrestrained happiness and want. like maybe this is what it feels like to see the rest of your life in front of you. to see everything you never even knew you wanted.

stan doesn’t have to imagine what it would be like to entwine his fingers with mike’s anymore, what it would be like to have patty hand-in-hand on his other side. it’s better than he’d ever dreamed, anyway.

#mike hanlon #stan uris #stanley uris #patty blum #patricia blum #stanpatlon #stanlonpat #what’s my fucking tag #x #m #jane writes sometimes #i guess?? idk y’all i’m just in my mike and patty feelings tonight. ig this counts as writing #stan #patty #mike #murryn i hope u see this idk if this is up ur alley but i started thinking abt it bc of our convo on the other post replies #long post //#i’m mobile so idk how long it is but i. assume it’s not short. bc like. me #is the implication here that this exists in the same verse as songs for the art of beating the meat? perhaps

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daysiias · 4 years

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{ zendaya ♔ 24 ♔ she/her } well, well, well if it isn’t daysia collins running around peach hollow. legend has it, they come from tangerine towers and have lived here for six years. if you’re wondering what they’ve been up to, i hear they’re a crisis counselor for a living. they have been known to be quixotic yet nurturing. a word of advice to them, always look over your shoulder. you never know who is watching. { kim ♔ 25 ♔ est ♔ she/her }

yall know me. i’m kim, i play serenity, and i’m one of the admins!! this is my damaged but optimistic baby, daysia. ITS PRONOUNCED LIKE DEJA VU :’) i just created her in november but she so quickly became my favorite muse to write. so buckle up! and pls plot w me. i am fragile and if i don’t get any plots i will hide in a dumpster, where i belong.

TW FOR DEATH, DRUG USE, ALCOHOLISM, CAR ACCIDENT

here is her pinterest and a spotify playlist if you wanna check those out ~

daysia jade, day, dj, deej – anything goes. she’s 23 and will turn her head to just about anything. she’s a spring baby born march, 1996.

her childhood was pretty good. she and her brother grew up a year apart, and her parents divorced early. early enough that daysia can barely remember a time where the family was hole, and likes it that way.

however, her father did not take the divorce well and turned to drugs – meth to be specific. he only saw the kids on weekends and even then, daysia and marcus absolutely knew what was happening. perhaps they didn’t know his choice of poison, but they knew that it was just that: poison.

he was never abusive and always took care of the kids, even if he was tweaking out of his mind. there were a few instances that were touch and go, like when he forgot to take dinner out of the oven and it caught fire, or when he forgot to change the sheets – little things that added up.

when daysia was 16 and marcus was 15, they were involved in a car accident. her dad was high behind the wheel, lost control of the car, and they hit the guard rail. they went over an embankment and down a short hill before the vehicle came to a complete stop, flipped over. she watched the life drain from her brother’s face, and never got into a car again, up until recently when she started letting @malcolmvramsey drive her places she needed to go. she always tries to give him gas money, but he rarely takes it.

a good deal of resentment built up for her father, but she remained stoic, even when he went to prison for drug charges and the dui he’d racked up that ultimately killed her brother. she didn’t let anyone know that she was hurting, because she numbed it all. she threw herself into her school work and her artwork, painting constantly. melting colors together somehow helped her cope. she could get her emotions out on paper. in fact, that still rings true today. in her bedroom of the apartment she lives in, she has covered one of the walls in canvas and paints over and over.

in an effort to start life over, daysia left detroit when she graduated high school. she transferred to peach hollow where she went to winchester university, not wanting a lot of attention. this is where she really came to life.

daysia was able to push michigan to the back of her mind entirely, because peach hollow had so much to offer. the people were better. the music was better. the parties were better. the education was better. there wasn’t a single thing she missed from home aside from her mother, who she kept in regular contact with and still does. they’re always texting and facetime before bed every night.

she came alive. college changed her. she was studying a subject that interested her and meeting people who didn’t have to know about her past. she did, and does everything to keep michigan her dirty little secret. she liked the party scene, but only drank or smoked weed. she refuses to touch anything that might turn her into her father. she was even hired on as a crisis counselor for a local hotline, contractual to her graduation.

in the past month, daysia has plummeted, however. nobody would ever be able to tell. she is the queen of poker face, an absolute delight to be around. she can be a little aloof, and is constantly stoned, but it’s how she gets through the day. she is an absolute goof, loves to crack jokes and make people laugh. she loves to laugh herself. these are all traits that show and cover the inner turmoil constantly trying to bubble to the surface.

about three weeks ago, daysia received word that her father passed away in jail. he overdosed, and she wasn’t sure how to feel. so she didn’t. she did, however, stop doing school work and started drinking more. she’s mere days from flunking out of school and losing her job. but nobody knows, because she acts like she doesn’t know either.

all in all, she’s doing a lot of self sabotage but covering it up with every ounce of grace she has.

as for her personality and relationships, daysia excels. she is nurturing, so when a friend, or even a stranger is hurting, she tends to go to their side and comfort them. as long as she can make them laugh, then everything will be okay. she makes friends pretty easily, and keeps them for the most part. she is fiercely loyal and will absolutely scrap to defend her loved ones.

she loves love. there is no gender she isn’t curious about and absolutely loves romance, though she also tries to hide that. her walls are ten feet tall. she’s in to hook ups, flings, and polyamory. she’s very open in that sense!!

FUN FACTS

she has an english bull dog named frank!! he is her pride and joy. she dresses him up in outfits, has regular photo shoots with him and loves going to the dog park. he isn’t legally an emotional support animal, but that’s definitely what he is to her. if he doesn’t like you, she won’t either tbh

she has this lil purple pen looking thing that is always on her. it’s her weed vape and she will hit it anywhere. her dumb head is always in the mfing clouds

she has a spotify family plan that is currently only her, mac, and dom and she will absolutely invite anyone she meets bc spotify premium is something everyone should enjoy

wears a lot of graphic tees and jeans, kinda a tom boy. doesn’t love dressing up but will occasionally. also doesn’t rly like make up but DOES know how to beat her face

1000% unable to be alone for like any period of time?? like if she gets off work and no one is in her apartment she just leaves. she goes next door to mac, goes to the peach pit, anywhere she can socialize. being left to her own thoughts will always turn out poorly.

really loves poetry. cannot write it to save her life, but loves going to slam readings or checking out poetry books from the library. her adhd brain can’t handle novels – poetry is just the right length to keep her attention and dig into her soul.

oh yeah, she’s got some pretty intense untreated adhd lol

OK SO WANTED CONNECTIONS IF UR STILL HERE LMAO

ex-roommate: something happened between daysia and this person, whether it was a relationship gone wrong, a friendship with tension, or just the other person being a damn slob – and daysia removed them from the house and moved someone new in. they are probably on shitty terms.

roomate(s): ^^ the forementioned current roommate or two!! i would like her to be veeeery close to whoever lives here. they have to be ok with her dog, her weed, and how mf needy she is.

current flings: a few people are probably on her list of suitors right now. people she spends time with romantically, but hasn’t committed to. she absolutely cannot be alone, at any point… ever! so, she has someone with her at all times. m/f/nb, all good.

party friends: this one is pretty self explanatory!! these are friends that daysia may or may not talk to outside of a party, but will always cling to at one.

close friends: she lets very few people all the way in, but those that make it are generally taken care of by day. she makes sure that they are as comfortable with life as possible and spends a lot of time with them

exes: as daysia is a ticking time bomb, there have been many people she’s blown off. whether they once hooked up, were together, or what have you, daysia has a lot of exes. she never means to hurt anyone. it just sort of happens and she has accepted it.

#peaches:intro #i'm back lmao

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daycollins · 4 years

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{ zendaya ☁ twenty six ☁ she/her } among the whispers around peach hollow, have you heard of daysia collins? no? well, let’s catch you up to speed. rumor has it, she’s been seen strolling around blueberry boulevard & have lived in peach hollow for six years. it’s good to have her around because i hear she’s a crisis counselor for a living. recent events must have her trembling because it hasn’t be long since everyone found out she flunked school. let’s hope they learned their lesson that the truth always catches up to you.

yall know me. i’m kim, i play winnie, and i’m one of the admins!! this is my damaged but optimistic baby, daysia. ITS PRONOUNCED LIKE DEJA VU :’) i just created her in november but she so quickly became my favorite muse to write. so buckle up! and pls plot w me. i am fragile and if i don’t get any plots i will hide in a dumpster, where i belong.

TW FOR DEATH, DRUG USE, ALCOHOLISM, CAR ACCIDENT

here is her pinterest and a spotify playlist if you wanna check those out ~

daysia jade, day, dj, deej – anything goes. she’s 23 and will turn her head to just about anything. she’s a spring baby born march, 1996.

daysia received word that her father passed away in jail. he overdosed, and she wasn’t sure how to feel. so she didn’t. she did, however, stop doing school work and started drinking more. she flunked out of school and lost her job.

at the same time, she got into her first serious relationship. day fell hard and fast for her best friend, mac. their relationship started out much like a fairy tale. she wanted to keep it like that forever, but her addiction and ptsd took over. she tried her very hardest to hold onto mac, but he moved back to nyc with their best friend, dom, in tow. she still misses them to this day and finds it hard to keep friends like she kept them close. the littlest things will remind her of mac and she’ll start to spiral. two years later and she’s still hung up, but she’ll deny it to the very end.

it’s safe to say that when this happened, daysia crumbled. she realized just how many people she’d lost and how many she had -- and she didn’t have anyone at that point, or so she thought. she continued to isolate and stopped answering her phone, and within the week, her mother was there to drag her home to detroit for detox.

she spent the next few weeks laying in the bathroom, going through withdrawal from alcohol and the various benzos she’d started eating like candy. things were bad. her mother never left her side, and after many na and aa meetings, after snatching pill bottles and miniatures out of her room for months, daysia cleaned up her act. she put on a healthy amount of weight, started working out, went to aa or na two or three times a day until she was comfortable enough to skirt by a day or two without one. she finished up her degree that summer and started waiting tables. she saved up every cent, finally having enough money and credit built up to buy a house where she really wanted to be: peach hollow.

after talking to her old boss, they agreed to take her back on as a crisis counselor when she moved back

so the newly clean and sober (aside from weed lol) daysia is living in a house on blueberry boulevard with @dawsonsawyer

FUN FACTS

she has this lil purple pen looking thing that is always on her. it’s her weed vape and she will hit it anywhere. her dumb head is always in the mfing clouds

she has a spotify family plan that is currently only her, mac, and dom and she will absolutely invite anyone she meets bc spotify premium is something everyone should enjoy

wears a lot of graphic tees and jeans, kinda a tom boy. doesn’t love dressing up but will occasionally. also doesn’t rly like make up but DOES know how to beat her face

oh yeah, she’s got some pretty intense untreated adhd lol

OK SO WANTED CONNECTIONS IF UR STILL HERE LMAO

party friends: this one is pretty self explanatory!! these are friends that daysia may or may not talk to outside of a party, but will always cling to at one.

#peachesintro

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deniigi · 5 years

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how is peter's relationship with mj and ned going? and aside from angel, have the other copycats experienced an identity reveal crisis of any kind?

Wow, hello!

You must have been on a similar brainwave as me because I wrote a little piece yesterday (lol, little. It’s like 10k) about Peter figuring out he was poly in the DFV. I can give you a wee snippet of that, although I know that this ask is about Inimitable, so just real quick:

——

He got it now. But it still felt wrong. Sticky.

Matt told him that when he was younger and he figured outthat he didn’t want to choose, he’d just decided that he wouldn’t. Sex waseasier when there were no expectations, he explained.

“It’s easier for people to understand being a player than itis for people to understand polyamory sometimes,” he said. “So I guess I justleaned in.”

Matt said straight off that it wasn’t great advice, but hedidn’t know what else to say.

“It just hurts sometimes,” he told Peter, “Because it’slike, your heart is so big and you’re supposed to give it to one person andlike, why should I give it to one person? When they could break it at anymoment? And why should I give it to only one person when there’s enough therefor two or three or what the fuck ever, you know? Sorry, I guess that doesn’tmake sense since I’m kind of a fuck-up and there’s probably not enough therefor even half a person—but still. I mean, if I was a better person with thesame thing—maybe if I was more like you, Peter, it still doesn’t make sense.”

Matt thought that Peter was still a good person even when hehad these wrong feelings and somehow, that made things a little easier. Maybethose poly feelings would stay in the Bad Box for now, but they could come outof the box when he was with Matt, maybe. That was probably allowed.

But Matt told him to be careful around other people, becausewhat had happened to him with Fogs might happen to Peter, especially aroundfolks who didn’t really know or understand what was going on very well.

Foggy knew about Matt being poly, he explained, but it madehim feel a bit weird because Fogs was very monogamous. Extremely loyal anddedicated and entirely prepared to make the commitment of a lifetime with onlyone person. This wasn’t to say that Foggy didn’t love Matt or that he didn’tunderstand where Matt was coming from, here. Rather, it made Fogs feel insecureand Matt loved him so much that he didn’t want Foggy to ever feel insecure withwhat they had, so if that meant kind of letting go or holding back, he thoughtmaybe he was willing to do that.

Even if it hurt a little.

Eventually, he said, he’d get used to it. He’d gotten usedto worse pain.

It sucked.

It sucked to hear that and it sucked to think that thatmight be the rest of his own life.

—-

I actually wrote two versions of this fic, one with and one without the poly plot. (The main side plot in both is that Matt meets Jennifer Walters (i.e. She-Hulk) and they flirt and things get a little sticky for Peter and for Matt, who’s left trying to endure peoples’ judgement and figure things out while trying to support Peter. Pete sees him struggling and actually finds a lot of support in that and in the All Caps trio)

ANYWAYS. lemme know folks if you want the poly one or the non-poly one. First is feelsy, second is comedic (basically this one is a gossip fic, with wild accusations and people being territorial all over).

But as to your question my dear,

Inimitable Peter’s relationship with Ned and MJ is going slowly but swimmingly. We start to see a little of it peeking out in under fire with MJ spending the night and Ned leaving cutesy little love notes. But it is all still very casual and relaxed between the three of them because Peter’s still a little fragile from before. They’re also trying to work out their dynamic and everyone’s needs etc. etc. So it’s very much a slow burn with lots of little dates and sleepovers and chatting.

As for question Part 2.

Angel doesn’t have too, too much of an identity crisis going on with Spiderman. Miles has far more reservations than both her and Louis. Angel and Louis are just along for the ride, chillin.’ Dave doesn’t have much of an identity crisis either.

The copy cats are fine because, unlike Miles, they aren’t mutated and they don’t plan to live out the rest of their lives as Spidermen or Daredevils. This is just a thing which they are doing for the time being, until they choose to no longer do it. Peter and Matt are fully aware of this and don’t have very high expectations of longevity in these guys’ careers, so it’s all fairly low stakes for them.

#fic #inimitable verse #dumpster fires verse #legendarykerfuffle #ficlet

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greaseonmymouth · 5 years

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Fanfic asks! B, F, G, (Big Friendly Giant? sdffds), S and V!

B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?

Mostly, no. I’ll sometimes incorporate things that have happened around me or give people quirks from RL people, but generally no. I have however written fic where I’ve projected a lot of myself into a character or two, but not like, wholesale. There’s always several distancing elements so that it can never be Obviously Me, but also those few fics have been written as a type of...catharsis? Not in the ‘now I feel better for having written it’ way, but in the ‘guess I had a lot of thoughts and feelings about this topic way’. Hmm.

Anyway, a few recent fics are like that, the most recent being Quickie, a Harry/Draco, Harry/Ginny, Ginny/Blaise polyamory fic with aro!Harry. On the surface this doesn’t seem like it’s projecting anything about me because it’s very smutty (but not very explicit about it - I’m demi), it’s poly (I’m not), it’s an 8th year fic (dumb teenagers!), and it’s got aro!harry (I’m demi), but to sum up, the part of the fic that’s projecting me is the part that’s about the need for personal connections, the unresolved millennial existential crisis/depression and the wish fulfilment of living in a free house with your most important people and not having to work ever lmao :’’’D

F: Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

from the above fic:

After, when he’s got Malfoy draped over him like a safety blanket, he says: “I’ve decided what to do with my life.”

“Yeah?” Malfoy mumbles into his shoulder.

“I want to be happy. I’m going to be happy.”

Malfoy lifts his head up to look at him. “That’s very noble of you,” he says. “How’re you going to go about it?”

Harry shrugs. “I’ll just do things I like.”

“Okay,” Malfoy says. “What about this pesky thing called having a job so you can, you know, earn a living?”

“I have money,” Harry says dismissively. “And a house. I’m okay.”

For some reason, Malfoy starts laughing. Harry can feel the vibrations in his whole body, and soon enough the entire bed shakes with it. “You’re going to be a gentleman of leisure, then,” Malfoy eventually says, chuckling. "There's a thing I didn't see coming."

I have lots of favourite bits of dialogue, but this bit is one I really like because it flips the common depiction of Draco as the rich noble-adjacent person who doesn’t have to work a day in his life if he doesn’t want to and Harry as the hardworking contributor to society on its head. And also because Draco calls it out - first by saying ‘that’s very noble of you’ because he knows exactly what Harry is doing even if Harry doesn’t, and then because I wanted a) the readers to really get it and b) to have Draco laughing with Harry to show how comfortable they are with each other at this point, I added the next bit where he explicitly says ‘gentleman of leisure’.

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

From start to finish! It does happen that I come up with bits of dialogue or something else that needs to happen later and I’ll write it down, but I do tend to write from start to finish. I have written stories out of order before, and I have moved chapters and scenes around, and sometimes gone back to add in a scene or chapter before continuing, but I don’t really consider that to be non-linear tbh. More of a “wait, I should add this before I continue” so I go back and add it, if that makes sense.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

I LOVE tropes!! fake dating, accidental marriage, bonding (though I’m picky about the type of bond - I don’t generally like telepathic bonds, for example), and any and all type of fic where the characters HAVE to work together/spend time together/similar. So also ‘buddy cop’ AUs and similar. I haven’t written many of those kinds of fics myself, but I looooove reading them.

V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

I generally don’t think about that sort of thing when reading, so I can’t actually think of anything. Sorry!

Fanfic Ask Game

#actualkatebishop #meme

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releasing-my-insanity · 3 years

Text

Rare Pair Exchange Letter

Hey guys, I’m participating in the rare pair exchange and this is my letter. (Also good if anyone really wants to write me a fic. Haha) Under the cut for length.

Hello content creator. I’m glad you’ve joined this exchange. I’m sure I’ll love anything you make. Obviously nothing in here is required except for DNWs. I just like to provide information and suggestions in case they’re helpful. Largely copied from other exchange letters.

General fic likes:

Fluff.

Humor.

Kindness and helping others.

Cuddles and snuggles.

Cozy scenes.

Bedsharing.

Casual touching.

Little soft and/or quiet moments between friends or significant others.

Characters sharing a love of music or movies or books or hobbies.

Pet owners.

Cute kids when those kids are canon children of requested characters.

Living together, either platonically or romantically.

People being really good at what they do and their friends/partners being impressed.

Characters who speak languages other than English slipping into those languages occasionally.

Teaching each other.

Communities supporting each other.

Everyone being accepting of the characters and their differences and/or relationships.

Women who get stuff done.

Bi and Ace-spectrum Headcanons.

Shippy stuff:

Soulmates (both common and creative varieties),

The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement,

Polyamory.

Friends to lovers.

Rivals to lovers.

Annoying each other constantly to lovers.

Established relationships.

Couples knowing each other really well and doing things the other one likes just because.

“Man I really love my wife” guys.

Asking before kissing someone.

Stopping a kiss or a touch immediately when asked.

Surprise kisses in an established relationship.

Weddings.

Platonic/familial stuff:

Becoming friends.

Insta-friends,

Female Friendship

Friends who stay friends (they don’t become romantic and they don’t stop enjoying each other’s company).

Found families.

True companions.

Healthy families of origin.

DNWs:

Any sort of death (Exception under Highway to Heaven.)

Abuse of any sort.

Anything that AO3 has under major warnings.

Unhealthy relationships.

Character bashing.

Explicit sex (implied or referenced sex between consenting adults is fine).

Illness beyond the common cold.

Mpreg.

Non-canonical pregnancy.

Discrimination or bigotry unless in the context of characters working to end it.

Unhappy ending.

General vid likes:

Songs with lyrics are my preference, but if you have the absolute most perfect instrumental song, go for it.

I absolutely adore when songs match with the visuals. Clips that follow the lyrics, a story that is told through the video, or just a song that is chosen because it fits the characters.

Specific lyrics that relate to the pairing > Generic love song.

Music: I like a wide range of genres but I particularly love 20s-40s Big Band, Early Jazz, Doo-Wop, 50s-70s Classic Rock, Motown, Classic Musicals, Tom Chapin, and Postmodern Jukebox.

With fandoms set in the past I especially enjoy videos set to period accurate songs or Postmodern Jukebox in the style of songs from that period.

General vid dislikes:

Rap or Hip Hop (Nothing wrong with them, the beats just tend to hurt my head.)

The screaming kind of music. Again, it hurts my head.

Videos where the song doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the characters, canon, or video.

Fandom Specific: (Optional Prompts are mostly fic related)

All Creatures Great And Small (2020):

Fandom Content Notes: It’s a show about vets so there is some animal death. Backstories include mentions of character death, racism, and hinted at abuse.

Pairings requested: Anne/Bert, Dorothy/Mrs. Hall, Dorothy/Mrs. Hall/Siegfried, Helen/James, James/Tristan, Maggie/Tristan

Tumblr Tag for Fandom: All Creatures Great And Small

Fandom Specific Likes: Helen/James/Tristan/Maggie as an N relationship. Helen and Tristan having a very brother-sister like relationship. Helen and Hugh staying friends. Helen and Maggie being friends and having other female friends. James’ chances for success at helping animals seeming to go up when Helen or Tristan is supporting him. Siegfried being accepting of pretty much everything and expressing it in very brisk ways.

Fandom Specific Dislikes: Pregnancy or parenting fics unless the focus is Anne/Bert. Helen and James getting together before she properly breaks up with Hugh. Any appearance of Mrs. Hall’s abusive ex.

Optional Prompts by Pairing:

Anne/Bert: I love Anne and Bert so much. Their whole relationship gives me great joy and Anne is definitely my favorite character. Anything you want to make for these two would be incredible. I’m especially interested in the early days of their relationship, how they fell in love and decided not to fight their feelings. Obviously if you go that route there was a lot of racism they had to deal with, but I would prefer it not be a focus. I’d also be happy to see something set during their marriage.

Dorothy/Mrs. Hall: I would love to hear about their relationship while they were in the Wrens together. Did they meet in the Wrens or did they know each other beforehand? Anything set in canon or later would be lovely as well. When did they realize their feelings? Who fell first?

I am obsessed with the idea of Siegfried being their beard. Maybe he’s actually happy to not find someone else, so he marries Dorothy. Then Dorothy and Mrs. Hall live like the happy couple they are. To outsiders Dorothy and Siegfried are happily married and Mrs. Hall is the housekeeper. But everyone living in Skeldale House knows that Dorothy and Mrs. Hall are in love.

Dorothy/Mrs. Hall/Siegfried: Not exactly a prompt, but if it’s helpful my ideal dynamic for this ship is the Lesbian-Centric Semi-Nonsexual Trouple. I see them as being a healthy triad where each pair connects in a different way and they just enjoy being around each other. I’d love to see how they get together or some established relationship.

I quite like the idea of Mrs. Hall and Dorothy both feeling caught between their growing feelings for Siegfried and their long-running feelings for each other. Meanwhile Siegfried is realizing that he has feelings for both of them and in the end no one has to choose.

Helen/James: I just want to see these two be a couple without having to deal with the fallout of Helen leaving Hugh at the alter. Maybe Helen breaks up with Hugh sooner and she and James share their first kiss at Anne and Bert’s over the puppies. Or they go on a date sometime after the Christmas special. Something that takes place after they’re married would be lovely as well. Although anything going into Helen’s thoughts as she finds herself falling for James would also be fun.

James/Tristan: I saw the clip where they’re hiding from Siegfried and laughing and my first thought was “They’re going to fall in love aren’t they?” I just really love their best friends dynamic and the way they encourage each other into trouble. But I also love how they support each other. I see the romantic part of their relationship as having a lot of snuggles and kisses. For a prompt it could be fun to see them ending up having to share a bed for some reason.

Maggie/Tristan: I don’t have a specific prompt but I really like the idea of their relationship helping them both to grow as people. I’d love to see more of Tristan interacting with David and Maggie falling for how good her boyfriend is with her little brother. Something where they’ve been together for a while and are finally ready to say “I love you” could be very sweet.

Highway to Heaven:

Fandom Content Notes: A wide range of injustice and discrimination appear throughout the show. Within the episodes relevant to these ships there’s character death, a suicide attempt, and some ableism.

Pairings requested: Jane | Jennifer/Jonathan, Stella/Mark, Diane/Scotty

Tumblr Tag for Fandom: Highway to Heaven

Fandom Specific Likes: Jonathan is an angel but sometimes he’s still painfully human. (E.G. Getting too emotionally involved with an assignment, his crisis of faith in We Have Forever, his reaction to Mark getting hurt in Going Home, Going Home.) I just really like that Jonathan isn’t perfect and makes mistakes and has strong emotions just like the rest of us.

Exception to no character death: I’m okay with mentions of it in relation to Jonathan and Jane, or Stella, but I don’t want it to be the focus or the ending. I need to see them as angels afterwards if their deaths come up.

Fandom Specific DNW: Ignoring the fact that Scotty is quadriplegic. Making the entire story about Scotty being quadriplegic as though it’s his only trait. Not a hugely important thing, but I would prefer Jonathan and Jennifer not sleep together (except literally) since he doesn’t know that she’s Jane.

Optional Prompts by pairing:

Jonathan/Jane: I am down with basically any story for these two that you want to tell.

How they fell in love. Scenes from their marriage. Missing scenes between the two in Keep Smiling.

What it was like for Jane to become Jennifer and be given the first assignment of helping her husband regain his faith? A missing scene from their two months together.

Something where they meet again later, either between assignments, sharing an assignment, or being reunited in heaven when they’ve both earned their wings.

Scotty/Diane: A Match Made in Heaven is my absolute favorite episode, I would love literally anything based on it. For a video you’re welcome to use content from any or all of their episodes of course, but I would also be just as happy with one based entirely on this episode.

I’d also love the missing scene of their wedding, or scenes from their married life, or something with them being parents.

Mark/Stella: I’d love to see scenes from their time together or something where The Boss lets them see each other again. I would absolutely adore something where Mark meets Stella’s adult daughter.

Sesame Street:

Pairings requested: Linda/Bob, Maria/Linda, Maria/Luis, Maria/David, Harriet/Mr. Hooper, Susan/Gordon, Mr. Macintosh/Willy, Maria/Luis/David, Susan/Gordon/Bob, Bob/David/Linda/Luis/Maria/Olivia

Tumblr Tag for Fandom: Sesame Street

Fandom Specific Likes: Mr. Hooper lives. No one ages. The characters making sure to sign for Linda so that she knows what’s going on. Miles and Gabi being best friends. Bob and Maria being metamours and having a very sibling-like relationship. Mr. Hooper refusing to tell anyone what his orientation is. Big Bird basically being everyone’s child. Bob being in both of the above polyamorous relationships at the same time.

Fandom Specific DNW: Anything involving the death of Mr. Hooper. Making Linda hearing instead of Deaf.

Optional Prompts by Pairing:

All of these pairings I’d be happy with anything you want to write but here are a few thoughts.

Linda/Bob: If they had gotten married, what would their wedding look like? What kind of dates do they go on?

According to episode summaries on The Muppet wiki, Bob writes songs for Linda and she teaches him American Sign Language. I would love to see either or both of those things.

Maria/Linda: When Linda first arrives on Sesame Street, Maria is the person who’s the most fluent in ASL and that leads to her and Linda becoming friends quickly. Linda learning some Spanish sign language so she and Maria can both speak Spanish.

Harriet/Mr. Hooper: Based on reading the Muppet wiki, I got the feeling that David’s Grandma Harriet and Mr. Hooper are quietly dating and I would love to see more of that. In season 11 Mr. Hooper, Mr. Macintosh, and Willy took Harriet to a dance. How did that go? Did they start dating after that?

Mr. Macintosh/Willy: My headcanon is that they’re basically the street’s gay uncles. They’re been together for basically forever and everyone adores them. They’re also Mr. Hooper’s best friends. I’d love to see how they got together when they were younger.

Susan/Gordon: I would dearly love some fic about how they met and fell in love. Or a fic about how they decided that they were ready to be parents and that they wanted to adopt. Maybe something with them geeking out together over science.

Maria/David/Luis: The only logical solution to the Maria/David, Maria/Luis relationships. I actually shipped David/Luis before I shipped Maria/David, so I definitely view this as a full triad.

How do they get together? Are two of them together first and then the third joins them? Or do they become a triad all at once? What do their dates as a triad look like? Do the three of them ever go dancing?

How do they decide to get married? To become parents? Does it matter which of Maria’s husbands is Gabi’s biological father or do they only know for medical history reasons?

Maria/Luis or Maria/David: I don’t have anything specific for these, but I thought I would ask for them anyway.

Susan/Gordon/Bob: Did they know each other before Sesame Street or did they meet there? When did they get together? One thing I really like is the idea of them having gone to college together and getting up to hijinks. I would love to see some of that. How involved is Bob in parenting Miles?

Bob/David/Linda/Luis/Maria/Olivia: The ship of my heart. My personal perspective is that every part of this relationship is romantic except for Bob and Maria. Bob and Maria adore each other but their relationship with each other is platonic.

Do they ever manage to all share a bed comfortably or are there too many of them and someone ends up on the floor? The six of them go out on date and are mistaken for being three couples so they try to see how obvious they can make it that it’s all six of them. Is it ever hard to parent Gabi when there are six parents?

Singin’ In The Rain:

Pairings requested: Kathy/Don/Cosmo

Tumblr Tag for Fandom: Singin’ In The Rain

Fandom Specific Likes: Cosmo being Aro-Ace. The relationship being queerplatonic at least in regards to Cosmo. The characters randomly breaking into song and dance like in canon.

Fandom Specific Dislikes: The common fanon that Cosmo and/or Don had abusive families.

Optional Prompts: I actually don’t really have anything specific here. I just think that the world always needs more of these three.

WordGirl:

Pairings requested: Becky/Violet/Tobey/Scoops, TJ/Johnson

Tumblr Tag for Fandom: WordGirl

Fandom Specific Likes: Tobey realizing that he’s loved. Tobey’s robots being sweet. Becky getting to tell Tobey that she’s WordGirl on her own terms. Becky feeling comfortable telling her family that she’s WordGirl.

Fandom Specific Dislikes: Angst. These are children so I’d prefer they not show affection with anything more than a handhold or maybe a kiss on the cheek, unless they’re aged up.

Optional Prompts by Pairing: I’m happy with any kind of cute content for either of these pairings. I would especially like to see a get together.

I also read a fic once where Becky and TJ were allowed to invite their friends on a Botsford family trip to a cabin on a lake. Scoops and Violet couldn’t go in the fic, but I keep wondering what it would be like if they did and Becky was there with her mutual crushes and TJ was there with his.

#Rare Pair Exchange #Dear Creator Letters

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yamsfreckles-archive · 6 years

Note

Omg I hope it’s not too personal to ask about ur experience leaving the Mormon church; I was going to an lds church for a hot second and just oh god no

Thank you so much for your patience with me taking so long to answer this! Moving is stressful af (Also I hope you don’t mind that I’m answering this publicly. I rarely talk about this huge part of my life, but I feel it’s important for others to know before making a decision on joining a religion)

I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Usually called the LDS Church, or often just the “Mormon Church”). I was “born in the Covenant”, which is just a fancy way of saying my family was already members of the church when I was born. So basically, the mormon church and culture framed my Entire Life from the moment I was born until I officially resigned from the religion a year and a half ago.

The core principal of mormanism is The Plan of Salvation - basically the idea that we were predestined in our pre-mortal lives to come to Earth and be tested, and if we remain faithful for our whole lives, when we die we will be exalted to the highest degree and have our family with us for all eternity. (Also there are three kingdoms of exaltation, and the highest one has three layers to it, and if you are in the highest layer of the highest kingdom then you actually get to create your own universe [if you’re a man] and become the God of that universe. If you’re a woman then your eternal duty is to bare children for your God-husband and populate that universe and never really be acknowledged lmao). Although that last fact isn’t super well known in the church doctrine.

The mormon church follows the Bible like most Christian religions, but they also follow a separate book called “The Book of Mormon”, which the church authorities refer to as “the most correct of any book on Earth”. The Book of Mormon is all about how a righteous family left Jerusalem before it was destroyed and built a boat and sailed to the Americas where there was a war and half of the family descendants - the Lamanites - were evil and sought to bring down the kingdom of God, while the other half - the Nephites - were righteous to a fault. The Lamanites ended up getting struck with “blackness” for their sins so that they could be told apart from the white, and therefore good, Nephites. Church authorities in the past have claimed that the Lamanites were the direct ancestors of the Native Americans. Which is hugely racist and disgusting to say, because the book literally said that black skin would show “their abominations”. (But hey this church has been openly racist, sexist, and homophobic since its conception so big surprise there)

Anyway, there is a lot more doctrine and I could spend an eternity writing about it because it gets me so angry, but I feel this answer is already going to be fucking long enough so I’ll just leave those two points. Though if you want to know more about the church’s history with racism or sexism, let me know!

So like I said, I was born into this church and I was baptised at eight years old (the age of accountability) to become an official member of the church. I was completely in love with the church. It gave me purpose and friends. If you live in Utah or Idaho, Mormonism is the primary religion and you can’t go two blocks without seeing a church building.

When I got to high school I attended Seminary every day (basically church school for teens) and my senior year I was actually on the seminary council - a group of kids who got their kicks because they were the most righteous. That was the year I started to doubt, and doubt hard. Everything on the surface of the church seemed good and nice, but there were little things here and there that bothered me. I was told to “doubt my doubts before I doubted my faith” and that if I sought the Lord in sincere prayer, that he would answer me and I would know for sure the church was true.

And I did pray. I prayed and fasted and did everything I could. I read my scriptures and attended church and did the best I could in my church callings. I never received an answer. And of course that made me feel like I wasn’t trying hard enough. So I doubled my efforts and ended up having a nervous breakdown because I was a doubter and God didn’t want to speak to me because of that.

Around this same time I was also starting to come to terms with my sexuality which only made me feel worse about the whole thing, because homosexuality is a sin in mormonism, as it is in most major Christian religions.

Finally after a full year of radio silence from God despite my best efforts and humbling myself and truly wanting an answer, I started to research on my own. If God wasn’t going to give me the answers I needed, then I was going to find them for myself. And thanks to my research, I came to the conclusion that none of it was true. Which makes it sound like an easy process, but it took a long time and it emotionally hurt me reading so many contradictory things. Because I had truly loved the church. When I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t true, I honestly felt like a part of me had died.

After my revelation I went away to college and cut myself off from the church. I made some amazing friends who helped me realize how awesome being gay is, and that no religion can determine my worth. But I still felt the loss of the church and ended up in a huge depressive episode that ultimately made me drop out of college. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of my life and consolidate everything I know with my relationships with my loved ones who still believe. The guilt-trips I got from family and “friends” when I stopped going to church were insane.

And then a new policy was released in November of 2016 stating that if a child of a gay couple wanted to join the church, they could not be baptised until they were 18, and they had to publicly disavow their parents’ lifestyle before they would be allowed to join the church. The church was literally making children turn on their loving parents to join a church. The effects of this policy were horrendous. There was a spike in Utah lgbt teen suicides as a result. I was horrified and disgusted, and that’s when I decided that, even though I hadn’t been to church in years and that I knew it was absolute garbage, I could not have my name tied in any way to this organization. So I drafted a formal resignation letter to send to the church administration building and demanded that they take my name off their membership records.

I’m still facing repercussions for that decision from family members. To a lot of them, it’s like I’ve died. Because to resign from the church means you cancel all the effects of baptism and any saving ordinance you received while a member. Meaning, I won’t be exalted and I won’t be with my family forever when I die. And even though I know it’s not true, it was such a huge aspect of my life and personality from the day I was born, that I’ve struggled having an identity since I left. Having a spiritual crisis seems like an easy thing on paper, but it is so much more complex than a lot people make it out to be. Right now I don’t have the ability to see a future for myself where I am finally done being affected by mormonism, but every day I get a step closer if that makes sense.

This answer has been long enough, so I didn’t have a chance to touch on the abuses within the church, gaslighting, magical underwear, how the church is actively covering up and excusing sexual assault, how children as young as 12 are subjected to private worthiness interviews where sexually explicit questions may be asked by an adult man, how the first Prophet of the church who “translated” the Book of Mormon was a treasure hunter who had multiple wives and married girls as young as 14 years old, or eternal polygamy (not the same as polyamory which I fully support mind you). Plus much much more. My research was extensive.

But hopefully that gives you a “brief” explanation of my experience escaping from the mormon cult.

#cucorules #ER answers #this really was much much longer than i intended it to be im so sorry #i just started typing and it was like word vomit #guess thats what I get for repressing it and not openly speaking about it lmao #not hq

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ah17hh · 4 years

Text

heartbroken about girlfriend, I may be blowing up my marriage via /r/polyamory

heartbroken about girlfriend, I may be blowing up my marriage

Hi everyone. I've really enjoyed reading this community over the years, as my wife and I transitioned to a poly-ish marriage.

I'm in a personal crisis and I've pushed my marriage into crisis and I thought I'd share my story and hear your thoughts. I'm not decided about what I'm going to do, so I'd rather not hear "do not stay/leave!" but personal stories or questions or other thoughts are welcome.

3 1/2 years ago, my wife (34) said she wanted an open marriage. We'd been together 11 years. She'd struggled with emotional affairs and wanted to find a way to live that accepted the part of herself that wanted other relationships. I struggled at first, but then dove into dating and found the freedom and possibility exhilarating. Dating itself was difficult, but I got addicted to crush-y energy and had some adventures. I soon found myself easily encouraging and supporting my wife in her relationships with other men. I liked the idea that some other partners could take some of the pressure off of me at home, that she might find fulfillment without me having to fulfill her (which felt like an endless impossible task). I also secretly hoped that she'd fall in love, and our relationship would shift, and give me a chance for a fresh start with someone else. Or that we'd grow into a more 'kitchen-table' level of comfort, where I could bring someone new really into my life. (My wife is adamant that we date separately and keep our home & future plans for just the two of us).

1 1/2 years ago, I started dating my girlfriend (31). My interest in other people faded away. I had with her a sexual awakening, finding and ease and power and joy and imagination in sex really for the first time in my life. We fell in love. There's a sweetness and kindness and softness between us that I miss and feel like I need. (She isn't interested in polyamory generally, just in me, and for a long time she seemed at peace with the situation, though that has changed recently).

Covid hits, and it dawns on me that, if it were all about me, I would rather be quarantined with my girlfriend than my wife. She let me go visit her a couple of times a month, which was wonderful. But it was very painful to not be able to be there more for someone I loved, and to not get more of the joy & comfort of that relationship in this dark time. I bottled it up, got through it by working like crazy. Meanwhile my wife feels desperate for my romantic energy and initiative, but in the sadness I mostly shut down and withdraw. The truth inside of me is painful and shameful - that I wish I wasn't at home, that I wish I was with my girlfriend, and I don't see how I can maintain a life where I can satisfy them both.

My girlfriend and I took a trip out of town in July to get some sustained quality time after months of this. It's wonderful, but we end up crying a lot about the limits of our scope. She wants a partner to live with and have a family with. I think that sounds wonderful, I wish I could have that with her too. By the end of the week we feel the heartbreak is too much, that we should maybe break up or figure something else out.

I'm seized by desperation. I do not want to lose her. My wife comforts me for a few days while I cry. She thinks my girlfriend and I can mourn this and move past it and still have a relationship for a while, and she's probably right. But now I have this idea banging around my head like crazy of living with her and having children with her, which is terrible because I would likely have to destroy my marriage to get it. But it sounds so sweet, and like such a relief, and I'm generally miserable and so the temptation is strong.

I'm tired of being split between two people, two loves, two incompatible dreams for the future. I'm doubting that I'm actually polyamorous; maybe I've just been sideways trying to have a different life. The thought of focusing all on one person and getting all of their focus is very attractive. I love my wife but I'll never be enough for her.

This feels like a terrible secret and I can't bear it so I try to get brave and share it with my wife. I ask her if she could imagine an arrangement where I live with my girlfriend. I think of all the creative ways poly people evolve the structures of their lives to suit them. But this is not an option for my wife - if I want to go, I need to divorce her. We've had painful conversations for a few days now, but she says she's done trying to help me through it when it's so painful for her and has directed me to therapy and says work it out there and tell me when you've made your decision.

Each morning I wake up horrified that I might be ending my marriage in a spasm of heartbreak. My marriage is something that's given me pride and purpose my whole adult life. But then my mind starts racing, and my thoughts swirl around a couple of fixed points: that life with my girlfriend would be happier than life at home, that I'm reluctant to move forward in my life with my wife (kids are at issue), that maybe polyamory was my escape from my wife and if I feel the need to escape from my wife it's not fair for me to stay, that I'm terrified of disappointing my wife and our families, of the financial effects of divorce, which would be significant.

Those thoughts swirl up and up, I panic, I break down, and I say more hurtful things to my wife, like this marriage is too hard, I'm too unhappy, I want to go, my relationship with my girlfriend makes me happier than this. But I am so skeptical of these things, because life *in general* is too hard right now, covid has made us all so unhappy, of course I want to escape to something sweeter and easier, and maybe this is all just blown up out of proportion because I'm going through some heartbreak. I'm married, I made a commitment, we've weathered bad times before, it would be a huge, huge loss to me to lose that.

Now I can't tell if I've crossed the point of no return or not. She knows these feelings. I maybe wasn't in a position where I had to choose, now, between these two women, but I have probably created that position now. It feels like it's happening too fast. I feel like I'm out of control. I don't want to have to choose and I thought our poly marriage would mean that I wouldn't, but now it seems like I do. My wife is convinced I'm going to leave and is pissed that I won't be decisive and I'll probably just force her to do it. I'm not convinced I'm going to leave but the thought of staying makes me panic. Is it panic about the marriage? Or just panic of losing my girlfriend?

TL;DR - heartbroken about losing girlfriend, I may be blowing up my marriage

Submitted August 05, 2020 at 06:18AM by yrtwin via reddit https://ift.tt/31kBIGO

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52ciab-blog · 5 years

Text

bacardi and cola with taxis, scott richard 2004

the beauty of old friends….

PRESS PLAY

faith ft. Mr. Probz galantis & dolly parton

and now an essay on why america needs to debunk itself from anti-american AMERICAN racist USURERS & "color coding" racism ….

***********************

recently i was laid into by an unsolicited critic. but you know me, i lap that stuff up like delicious poison!!!!

the most delighting part in all of this criticism was when the phrase LETHAL ACTIVISM was levied against me. as if i’ve ever harmed anyone or my intentions on here are to harm others!!!! i know it was levied unfairly because i know the critic. and the critic was hurt. so it was more of a personal attack designed to hurt me back for being honest.

but, for the record, my battle is against USURY. and the spirit of USURY is not a person.

this is a lifetime struggle against an invisible demon which has been infecting the human people since long before its earliest recordings/sightings/mentionings (it is first recognized and named in the INDIAN text the Mahabharata).

USURY is a destructive LIVING FORCE that infects humans just like AIDS did (yep, the lap dogs of USURY did that, too). Usury, as a spiritual force manifests as a mental disease that leads the victim of the disease to believe that they are better than other human and non-human life forms and can enact schemes of power and control over those other humans and other life forms in taking by force the CONTROL of their reproduction cycles and sexual habits.

it is the equivalent of BESTIALITY. and many people are so delusional that they think bestiality is people fking animals. this is simply NOT TRUE.

BESTIALITY is when you (as a human force) take over the reproduction and sex rights of other species and imprison them for practical purposes.

it is an ancient prohibition because of how it leads to social disorder by OBVIOUSLY favoring those who would abuse the spirit of life to gain sht. THINK RWANDA, duh!? it was a cow blood war started by belgian setups of economic disparity and favoritism. they used animal husbandry to divide the two populations.

and i call these sideline instigators the FOOD AND BEVERAGE cartels (F&B cartels). you’re welcome.

and BESTIALITY is a natural physical deformation of the spirit of USURY when it acquires henchmen like the F&B cartels. so is SLAVERY. and pharmaceutical drug addiction.

but back to LETHAL ACTIVISM…

as INACCURATE AND UNKIND as this attack on my personhood is — i am not this stream, i am not this essay, i have written over 1300 hundred essays and they are in the group THINK CLUB if you dare to want to know/piece together more of who you think i am. good luck keeping up, i have chased after the great spirits for decades without resting — and added to it that i practice GENTILITY and DISTANCE from other humans.

i will also protect other people’s children from harm. sometimes i will also protect others, but it might also look to some like i’m doing it as an attack against the aggressor, but those people with that view generally think more slowly AND do little in any time of REAL crisis.

they are flighters. the cowards among our species. ironically, these are the same cowards who later call us heroes for just doing the VERY ORDINARY THING. their award is just more shame on people who don’t run away.

so perhaps my critic was really expressing a fear of the nearness of LETHAL ACTIVISM in our societies? perhaps the HUMAN SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE has had enough of this INFECTION of USURY in the elites of human society?

perhaps my critic is realizing for themself that the spiritual world is once again calling upon ALL OF US through "fate and destiny" (geopolitical locationing) to rise up against the weight of this construct. but my critic doesn’t even realize time has weight!!??!? pity the sciences and maths which could leave something so basic off the menu!!!

perhaps this critic has identified a rising spirit and sees in me a harbinger of this ENERGY. fair play.

but if my words could KILL, i would say this to my critic,

"i hope you live forever!! i hope my love for you stays inside your heart and keeps you company throughout the ages!! i hope you weren’t lying about love like you are lying about most things in your life. I didn’t even want you to be free. I just wanted to have fun. WTF, playboy!!!!"

and perhaps my critic now knows that there is a greater magic than the feeble white man’s sciences of falsely identified and defined numbers, of falsely applied logics of math without philosophical support — sorry, kids, stories ALWAYS come before numbers. always have, always will. and science is just a wee little story based on astrology which converted into astronomy with the astrolabes of discovery, and then slowly headed into a collective concept that eventual gave birth to physics as the role of the "real" star interpreter took on precedence in the courts of europe. and china. and india. because there are many cultural responses to the idea of the sky and the idea of stars and the idea of rotational charting and map making. i know, it was all just for FUN right from the start [wink wink, glad the lore of the young and all the unknown lovers could chime in on all the personal criticism. ah, how disgusting and messy polyamory gets, it just never ends…].

but SERIOUSLY, it was just for fun. it still is!

the innocence of someone looking up in the sky and thinking, "there’s that ONE light again! and LOOK! the other!!!"

but this isn’t magic. it is correlation. it’s us seeing something and going, "hey, look at that!" and then agreeing, "I SEE IT, I SEE IT, WE SEE IT". and the WE is born of this endeavor.

obviously, real magic can take place when you conjoin these correlations.

in my life real magic is grafted directly from circumstance and variables and available energy. and it is directed through the voice or the imaginative voice of the spell caster. everyone sort of already knows this. we’ve been told all about it since we were children.

for example, how many "astronauts", the children of those early astrological wanderings, have actually "touched" the surface of anything NOT human made but out of the orbit? [he falls over laughing, but all the gold bars wasted and laundered through fake space programs have piled up so high above his head that he can only see glittering skyscrapers] www.flickr.com/photos/gazeronly/albums/72157650835706423

we are fking funny!!! and now, how much FAKE money has been dumped into the lavish lifestyles of those employed and funded by this expansive waste of money?

this is not magic.

so to my critic, perhaps there should be some gratitude that those like me who touch these powers are kind to our critics? perhaps it would behoove said critic to acknowledge that their narcissism is not the source of my inquiries and does not direct my willingness to accept answers. i am not magical in order to entertain narcissists. that’s what hollywood is for anyway. and "court magicians". that is SLEIGHT OF HAND, which is USURY, not magic.

so what do they know of love? they still use it like a back hoe and everyone who wants a job sucks dck to get it. if you have bad knees or they get tender fast from kneeling, buy knee pads, cckskr. [and that’s a compliment if you do it well. you’ll get the job cuz anyone can act.]

so please, let me state for ALL PUBLIC RECORD that i am not a LETHAL ACTIVIST. in fact, i’d never even heard of it before.

i am a cultural activist and i fight for the spirit of humanity and the preservation of those gifts which manifest themselves as forms in our lives — community, identity, stability.

i fight against usury and those who debt-enslave others, sell weapons to kill children and their parents, sell drugs to kill the caretakers of children, and those who traffic humans or fk kids (whether by economic coercion or actual action) — so BOO HOO HOO. sue me!

or educate yourself. but please, lethal activism??!! that’s just mean. and i can shrug that one off. i get it, you’re hurt.

but more importantly, there was a startling book written and released in russia (allegedly) back at the turn of the 20th century. it’s a short handbook that describes in realistic and profoundly brutal terms the manner in which a TINY group of CLAIMED ELITES can take over and enslave the masses, which are LESS HUMAN than these elites.

and while it is TRUE that the book was purportedly foisted onto a group called the LEARNED ELDERS (the kingship of jews, actually, because apparently it’s more complicated than people want to believe…) who were apparently attempting to destabilize the governments/aristocracies/oligarchs of western europe. i mean, anti-semitism was a GD section in the book stores in russia and germany and other "nation states" of the day. and apparently it was a huge section. and if you know me, i’ve been trying my best to get people to understand that the UNITED STATES is literally MANUFACTURING its own breed of anti-semitism on television and streaming. shows like AMERICAN DAD, which have had top ratings for years, are disgustingly ladened with all manner of jokes and put-downs and weird sideways. (yes, i wrote an essay about that, too, seven years ago…)

www.flickr.com/photos/gazeronly/6931096786

this is often INVERSE DUMPING. if you watched the video you’ll know what i’m talking about, as MATT WEITZMAN’s role in all of this is totally suspect:

"Matt Weitzman was born to a Jewish family[2] in Los Angeles, California. His father is Lew Weitzman, a long time literary agent for over 40 years. Matt attended American University, where he became and brother of Alpha Epsilon Pi,[3] and graduated with a communications degree. Shortly after college, he pursued acting with some success, then later began writing for television sitcoms. As a child, Weitzman was an avid comic book collector and reader of fantasy and science fiction. This is what he has called "inspiration" for upcoming projects." wiki

if you read my work, you know that i know all about the super hero creation market and who started it and how it’s literally a LOSER’S spirit buried in skin tight homosexual man worship. but you can do some of your GD research about history because darnit, there’s so much of it to swallow. let’s just say that people who are genocided (this includes homosexuals) definitely dream of striking back against their "oppressors".

and super heroes are the capitalized/capitalistic version of the pantheon gods of the ancient world.

the primary difference is that super heroes work for the highest human agencies of government control so you can see how this fantasy framework immediately instigates conspiracy and dread-laced confectionaries of BETRAYAL, DECEPTION, LIES AND MURDER. super heroes are embedded in contemporary politics, whereas the ancient "gods" are fantastical and have been relegated to olive leaves and togas. i hope this makes sense. anyway, if you read the PROTOCOLS, again, you don’t need to hear the messenger!!!!

the comic book industry is insidious and mentally deformational on young people’s minds. it is a vulgarity and glamorized FAKE body types (historically) to gain market claims before becoming powerful enough to overtake alternate markets in foreign lands. after being blown to bits in wwii, manga took off like mad in japan: " Since the 1950s, manga has steadily become a major part of the Japanese publishing industry.[7] By 1995, the manga market in Japan was valued at ¥586.4 billion ($6–7 billion),[8] with annual sales of 1.9 billion manga books and manga magazines in Japan (equivalent to 15 issues per person).[9] Manga have also gained a significant worldwide audience.[10] In 2008, in the U.S. and Canada, the manga market was valued at $175 million. Manga represent 38% of the French comics market, which is equivalent to approximately ten times that of the United States.[11] In France, the manga market was valued at about €460 million ($569 million) in 2005.[12] In Europe and the Middle East, the market was valued at $250 million in 2012.[13]" wiki

we could talk a long time about the after effects of being holocausted or target hunted, but let’s get back to the PROTOCOLS!!!!

and again, who cares who wrote this book??!?!

it was written and it’s been around long enough to have been read by all humans who can read. so READ IT!!!! (then you can listen to the 27hours of information released by the u.s. governement on the four decade collusion that led to the manufacturing of 9/11. IT’S CALLED A COMMISSION REPORT in case one doesn’t already know that the U.S. released a very weird and disturbing BODY OF TEXT to the world. perhaps if YOU read it, you’d know more, too. at least you’d be able to see the amazing LIES that this nation’s government TELLS and gets CAUGHT telling and then TELLS more and gets CAUGHT telling and then TELLS more…)

anyway, who cares? i mean, let’s be liberal and BLAME all men, because FK it was a MAN who wrote the book after all. EVERYONE can agree that it was NOT written by a woman. that much is true!!!

but instead, "they" want you to believe and focus on the jewish part of authorship. and you will see this in the introduction of the book. because it’s old enough to be an antique, the book has acquired its own sense of history.

but AGAIN, i’m a gnostic. i don’t care if it is about to be written and released tomorrow for the first time ever, i think you should read it!!

it is the INFORMATION AND STRATEGIES inside the book that are so valuable.

just like every girl should STEAL the book THE GAME from somewhere and read it so she can know what SHTTY men are out there and also what shtty girlfriends do to each other.

and again, i am not the one on the cover of this SHTTY DATE RAPE HANDBOOK FOR MEN that is saying i’m of "jewish" descent. he does that himself, but again, i hope my FKING hating his book and the tricks he has gathered and compiled from america’s rich history of DATE RAPE ARTISTS doesn’t make me the bad guy. and i’m certainly not going to look at all the awesome people that i know of personally and throughout the world who call themselves jewish and think, hmmm, they’re all date rapists!!!! nope, just him. and harvey weinstein. and what do we call people who go to date rapes on purpose more than once? are they victimizing the date rapist? i get so confused when there is such a moral sexual breakdown in breeder semantics. if you have to give hed to get ahed, how many times do you have to give hed and STAY AHED?

like am i supposed to hate catholics because machiavelli wrote a political treatise on how the medici’s could do the same thing to their own people — fiscally date rape and murder their peers? rather, you should hate the catholic state for its actions and historical thuggery and it’s sexual violations against thousands and thousands of boys. that would make a lot more sense instead of putting it on the dupes who fall for such drivel. and i’m so distrustful i’m like, "what is the vatican hiding that they are willing to use PEDOPHILIA as a distraction?!?!" HLY FK!!!! how come we never go for real answers?!?!"

but isn’t that how REVERSE DUMPING works?

just ask MALCOM X!!!!! here’s a quote you can look at: ""the F.B.I. can feed information to the press that makes your neighbor think you are something subversive. the F.B.I. can do this very skillfully. they maneuver the press on a national scale and the C.I.A. maneuvers the press on an international scale" 1964

and let’s be honest, that was 55 fking years ago!!!! do you not think that the information societies that play nation states like checker pieces haven’t become paranormous?

when/if you get to the FACEBOOK essay down below, you’ll see this more clearly and you will understand how it’s a TRILLIONAIRE’s front who is using SCHOOLS and their products — including zuckerberg’s whole life (he’s being "hannah montana-ed©"!!!) — as fronts to generate dominant world control of new surveillance technology and ALL of its advancements.

so you do know malcom got reversed dumped, right!?!?! you DO at least know that, right? and you do know that whenever black men of power rise they are beaten down with the myriad temptations of the USURERs CLUB (drugs, sex, power, alcohol, attention). and if that doesn’t work, assassination.

that’s hardcore REVERSE DUMPING. whites usually don’t end up getting the bullet, poor Vincent foster…

but in our real world, in our daily lives, SOFTCORE reverse dumping happens when you tell someone honestly that they have a problem and then suddenly they try to reduce your world to ruins simply because you objected to THEIR DISHONESTY or TREACHERY or UNKINDNESS or ECONOMIC SLANDERING. suddenly, for saying, "hey!! you’re lying to me!!!" i am the LETHAL ACTIVIST? "hey! you’re giving people AIDS!! and i’m the LETHAL ACTIVIST? and worse, somehow giving people AIDS on purpose is better than FIGHTING BACK? better than letting them do it again to a new target group? really?

but it’s true. if you say anything about this book, you are probably going to be labeled anti-semitic.

but for me, that’s the LIE. i have hung out with way too many cool people that i admired and respected and adored and have also been HIGHLY influenced by to care about their JEWISHNESS. more often than not, i wasn’t even concerned with their "jewishness". if they wanted to share their ideas and what this "meant" to them, they would. not unlike gays who must constantly come out of the closet so that people don’t accidentally say something irrevocably hateful because they couldn’t tell the person was gay because they weren’t having sex in front of them and there were no other visual clues.

as a homo, i resent people who would take an entire ethnicity or culture or way of being and say EVERYONE in this "fake group" is

a: in agreement with each other b: the same c: so easily reducible

these are things STUPID (by choice) and IGNORANT (disengagement and self-interested) people share — judging LITERAL groups that have been intellectually arranged on very BARE and SEPARATIZING notions is PRIMARY BULLSHT. and the USURERS love this because it deflects from the FACT that they are a REAL GROUP in their "servitude" to the demonic forces of USURY. read plato if you need to understand some of things socrates was railing on against.

so USURY forces us to talk about these FAKE CLUSTERS or SHARDS as if they are real and have a genuine existence. they don’t, they’re just like everything else — they are proximity ideas that will die and pass away. there is a historylessness to most of us.

as a result these dynamics are all constructs of fate and birth. you happen to be colombian, you happen to be vietnamese, you happen to be [insert something here], cuz you’re just a gosh dern human at the beginning and the end.

they are all mutable and they all come with their own seeds of separation and distinction. they all create their own INTERIOR hierarchies where they enact the same

all that aside, the truth is that this book is FKNG amazing. and you’d know if you read it. it’s BRILLIANT and the game is on.

it is a playbook for raping the little people who don’t matter. it’s where the original idea of a MASTER CARD comes from, for fks sake!!!!! it is the birth of the credit system we fking use everywhere these days!!!!

but i guess most of you don’t realize that our dear president in the 1920s read this short work of political theory. that alone should give you cause to go and read it just to see how useful this information is and how much of it is CURRRENTLY IN USE and how easily it would be to dismantle this strangulation if more people would educate themselves instead of fking around indulging in their side lives of debauchery and social mayhem, lol. but those are the treats of the USURER!!

take more loans!! live beyond your means!!!!

and now that we are again in a period where ANTI-SEMETISM is being blatantly and openly promoted by ECONOMICALLY PRONGED SEMITES (why is it so cool to throw your own people in front of the bus for your cause? who told you that was legit politics? — seriously, look at the producers of almost any television show. you will immediately start to see a trend that is alarming — as if anyone is still even reading this essay. but if you are an american who was of asian descent you might notice the clear absence of your ethnicity on television and in television production roles. but china and japan and many other countries in those regions have their own ENTERTAINMENT CARTELS in full-swing, too. but in "america" you have to admit really fast that NPR and other outlets of alleged news are stocked and renewed with a fk lot of people who also identify with minority groups that have been historically punished throughout centuries for running USURY GAMES on the "humans" they deemed less worthy.

and you should be able to figure out that i’m not talking about homos. but you can do your research instead of lambasting me for referring to the idea that there are ACTUAL DATA POINTS worth noting. after all, isn’t the OLD TESTAMENT the most anti-semitic book ever written? i’ve read it. it’s a history of shtty people who never got along with anybody and it always ends in genocide and slavery. i’m fking literate!!!! i didn’t write that GD book!! i just read it. it’s fking anti-semitic.

so if you are curious instead of a KNEE-JERK, read the protocols and you will find out that i’m not SAYING ANYTHING, i’m just the messenger alerting LAZY FKRS that sht is going on and has been in process for over a century. it’s NOT new.

further, i’m just the guy who got jumped by the side of the road and there was no good samaritan to assist me.

but, i survived. and now, i know how to spot the robbers. i’ve been jumped endlessly since then. i learned from camille paglia that einstein was wrong.

repeating the same act over and over again actually does eventually lead to breakthrough depending on who is performing the experiment. WE are the magical element in science!!!! it’s OUR imagination that gives science life, not the other way around.

and, unlucky for me, my "self constructs" have been shattered so many times that i no longer perceive information the way i did when i could hide behind those constructs. i’ve been lied to and cheated on in every imaginable way. i scare the SHT out of people with how quickly i unravel all their hateful lies in person. people are scared to be around me because i can "see" their sins and write them in the sand — they become terrified of my experience.

alternately, only by accident, have i lied and cheated. and when i do, i grovel back and apologize and i take it on myself to acknowledge my awfulness. and i don’t PRETEND that i deserve forgiveness.

lucky for me, this is very rare and usually under strange and weirdly unimportant circumstantial moments when the character or nature of another being alters my balance. that is to say, i remember almost every lie i’ve ever told and how it hurt the person or aided me to my "advantage".

and i didn’t like myself as a liar. i have a good memory and i don’t practice denial. it is not the gnostic way. denial does not lead to KNOWING. i don’t want to be with a lover or a friend and know that i lie to them or told them a lie. i find that so uncomfortable and disgusting and faithless.

lying is humanity’s greatest toy. and people play with it constantly. and then they are old and feel stupid about how they spent their lives. yay!

research can lead you to a different outcome. and if you take the time to read this political tract, you won’t need me to explain anything to you.

instead you will read the words which are well over one hundred years old at this point. and who cares about its origin or anti-semitism?!??! study the ACTUAL CONTENT. it is like a book of magic spells (barely, magic is so much cooler). learn to see that to this fking day people use ANTI-SEMITISM to keep you from reading the book. they don’t want you to know about it. they want you to ignore this book. and THEY are white, yellow, blue, green and red, for all you COLOR CODED RACISTS who think people are GD colors!!!! THEY are the oligarchs and secret emperors who control the drug trade, the weapons disbursement programs and the natural resource allotments for "nation states" — the USURERS’ favorite little pet projects and "clients".

if you take time to read this tract (it’s only about 100 pages), the realizations will also help elucidate a lot of things about the history of HUMANS who have actively used these techniques to undermine cultures and societies wherever they go. they are information collectors and litigators. these are their tools to bind.

but first, to give you some boundaries on this, i will use myself as an example.

let’s make it personal for just one second…

as a HOMOSEXUAL who was tortured as a four year old child and had my penis raped with a steel object by a white male doctor in his thirties under the auspices of something medical — no one will tell me to this day what the reason was for doing this to two little boys, two pretty decent little twins — i have spent my life being degraded and humiliated by other people for not running away from the horror that overtook my life.

for example, even before i thought i was gay my father completely disowned me for "having a negative reaction" to being raped in the dck. he came home and found two crazy kids instead of the fun ones he’d maybe seen the day before. he told me very directly when i was 28 that he had come home one day when i was about four and i was a "cold, aloof and a distant prick." those were his exact words. and this was before i knew what had happened. and i said, that sounds like child abuse! he said, "i figured if you wanted to be that way, i could be that way, too." and he never talked to me or touched me again. and i mean LITERALLY. in speech he shifted over to using only the objective command form of language from then on. it was very isolating, but i was terrified of him anyway since he used corporal punishment in the same way male hookers in hollywood use cocaine — liberally when available!!!!

anyway, i didn’t find out till age seven that "fag" and "fairy" and "queer" somehow vaguely applied to me like a death sentence… san diego was very homophobic and murderous and one of the pilot cities where the idea of a "hate crime" was born to separate HUMAN HUNTERS from ordinary murderers…

so as a child i was terrified of going into a bath room with other men/males after this episode. and this meant ALL public bathrooms.

i was literally terrified that i would be brutalized again. every time i had to urinate and was out in the world, i became desperately afraid that if i went into the bathroom and couldn’t lock everyone out, i would be raped again. that’s how four year olds perceive the world. once raped, ten times shy.

and the horror of this was with me constantly. weirdly, i had no memories of the incident. it had shattered my mind, my being, everything about me.

i only "know" it happened because I demanded to know at least the dates when it became clear that it had actually happened (there were two follow up visits to the damage). my twin brother never forgot it. somehow, his mind stayed in tact during the episode. during my childhood he would frequently bring up the event but he was just four years old as well. all he could actually remember was the book he was reading in the waiting room before it happened. and weirdly, i, too, remember the entire book that i was reading.

and sadly, he hated me for not remembering. all i remember is that he kept saying something about a farm bird ( a red rooster) over and over again asking me if i remembered. but i had no idea what it meant. finally, when i was 38 he actually told me. he had no idea that i had no memories and he thought i was colluding against him all these years.

his book was about a red rooster. my book was about a little red hen, which is also the title of the book. the little red hen wants to make bread but also wants company during the process and seeks that instead of making bread. finally, in desperation, the little animal gives up and goes out to do ALL the tasks to make bread. then, the bitter pill at the end, the smell of the baking bread brings ALL the other animals that were asked for help. they all want baked bread!!!! heheheh.

then the doctor stuck a sounding device (metal rod) up our dicks. i don’t remember that part.

so yes, scott has shame!!!! i can’t remember. it sits on top of me like a desperate crime committed by someone else.

forgive me if i want to make sure that this stuff doesn’t happen to other children while their mother is in the waiting room. forgive me if i don’t trust doctors and lawyers and mortgage brokers and bankers. forgive me if i know their dark side.

i guess that’s why i am a "living sign" of this shame. so be it. i will be brave. i can withstand the shame of others. besides, it is PERSONAL shame that i have no room for in my life — the shame one lavishes up for oneself — a shame that has come from within instead of from without. a shame that sickens the GOD within and ails its arrival. this is the shame of INTENTIONAL DECEPTION and TRICKERY.

at least my shame has been given to me by society.

it’s not mine, which is why i can use it in magic. and it’s surprisingly powerful. and most people know this, because there is so much shame in these essays i write. it’s almost unbearable, which is why so few readers make it to the end of any of them. again, this is intentional.

i don’t want all of you to suffer. just those of you who have the courage to stare into the horror without flinching. just those of you who are actually brave enough to become REALIZED.

so my magic of shame erodes and undermines everyone who reads these essays all the way through to the end. and these few readers are the only audience i care about. because they are agents of change. they can taste the poison and find the cure. it is our task!!! and they know it, too.

like me, they have made it their goal to make sure that people who think this kind of behavior is “okay” are taken out of positions of power. and i use these essays that i write to plant seeds and to allow others to see their voice in another, because i KNOW i’m not alone.

when PHILOMEL’s tongue was ripped from her throat, the gods made a new bird that could sing that shameful crime of the king who raped her and then tried to silence her by stealing her voice.

i don’t write these essays because i think ANYONE reads them and goes, “right on!! i’m hitting the fave button!!!"

i write these essays and do the research so that those whose voices are being ripped away can use their new wings to be more than a bird song. so few, these birds who will now fly and sing!

in fact, i don’t imagine most people make it to the end of any of these “essays”. it’s a MACHINE GUN MASSACRE form of writing that INTENTIONALLY only speaks to one or two people who WILL make changes. the INFORMATION will change them — it will not be me, it will not be my personality and it will not be my writing “style”. it will be the idea of the truths that reach into their hearts. and the truth hurts all the time. but even if it doesn’t set you free, it liberates you from LYING!!!! and the lying must stop.

so, as an open HOMOSEXUAL (though it could be easily argued that sexual abuse caused a major deviation), i’ve been clustered grouped my whole life with a stunning array of MEN who are also drawn into the actions of sex with other men. and even in our tiny percentage of ABNORMALITY, there are stand-outs. and these stands out are traditionally distinguished separately.

these stand-outs were called FAGS and TRANNIES and LADY MEN and QUEENS. these are the homosexuals who have serious disagreements with normalized “GENDER ISSUES”.

they are also the most ANTI-MALE of the homosexual community and often dipped/drenched in STEALTH AND TRICKERY AND DECEPTION as a means of counter-balancing the wretchedness of interior feelings and the way the outside society has responded/treated/abused them as people.

they are notably, an attention-deficient group of people who are deeply damaged and wounded from an early age for being different and expressing that difference. the negative treatment reiterates the behavior and more often than not practicers of this type of homosexuality are drawn to the whoredom of the female sexual personae — they end up enacting the slutty side of female sex behavior.

this in turns creates a repulsion in the normalized community — holy sht, a man-woman slut that is parading full-speed and lecherously commanding the attention of everyone or anyone around them.

but isn’t this just the succubus? this isn’t really a homosexual thing as much as it is a social deviation away from the norms that repress and punish homosexuality. the desire to be butterfly attractive is a REACTIONARY stance. it’s not generative and creative. it’s a deviation and a lash-back. it’s a way of vamping. and this same horror is being practiced in the emerging "trans" community. using THEY and THEM to separately disassociate from those who came before is a sign of grammatical desperation. US and WE would be the right choice and the trans community, by allowing the MEDIA to take THEMS over, are being used in the exact same way homos were used — to POLARIZE the majority which makes it easier for banks to weasel into people’s lives with cheap loans and get people to vote for gigantic tax breaks for corporations. but i get it, most of you are TREE PEOPLE and you don’t know you live in a forest. well, not until there’s a fire or the tree cutters show up…

so let’s be serous, having DRAG QUEENS and limp-wristed female copyists representing a community of men who are mostly MARRIED FATHERS is pretty fkt up. right?

because how does that seem like a mature or realized way of embracing the circumstances — that we aren’t allowed to be who we are.

it’s a "DRAG up". it’s dressing like royalty when you’re a pauper. it’s a halloween night that everyone wants to forget later.

in the meantime, the vast majority of homosexuals remain invisible out of fear of being lumped together with the strange HARVEY MILK FREAKS that keep getting chosen to reflect the community.

and the media has been using this polarizing effect to control voting in the united states for the past ten years. the fake front that controls the media now pits homosexuals against others. it pits cops against fking crazy criminals. it promotes car crashes as news. it tracks weather mods and pretends that it’s actually REAL weather instead of manipulated fkery (to this day it is so strange to me that there aren’t classes being taught about this stuff). and it ALWAYS supports tourism unless the intended country is being sanctioned by the invisible front. then they run bad ads.

and i don’t know why all of you don’t know this already. malcom x was pretty clear about it and was even killed for being so clear about it: that is, and I QUOTE

and our human society is super pissed off at the idea of a polygendered society. this is not the USURER’s dream. polygenderism does not put bi-polar gender PARENTING at the forefront of all life. and this would devastate the USURERS. because if PARENTS are the focus of CHILDREN, then the parents become natural "marks" for taking LOANS.

you can loan money to people who need/are told to want stuff for their kids. you can TRAP THEM INTO DEBT SLAVERY very easily by making the ownership of HOMES and CARS and EDUCATION priorities of the capitalistic construct. forget food, clean air and water. those debts will come after these other debts destroy the vast resources of air, water and food. the INTENTIONAL famine is being constructed so fast right now in the city with UBER EATS and AMAZON food delivery. perhaps you need to go back and read that little story in the bible where JOSEPH, while sleeping with the pharoah’s wife, tells the pharaoh that if he really wants to be a great pharaoh all he has to do is create the illusion of prosperity for seven years and then follow it with seven years of mayhem and famine. in this manner, the pharaoh could take over all of his lesser sub-servants’ territories through economic strangulation on the food and water.

but let’s be HONEST!!!!

GENDER ISN’T SEX. so these gender benders NEVER really represented the homosexual community anyway. nor did HARVEY MILK, though now there is a concentrated effort to make him the FACE OF THE "GAY MOVEMENT". ah, how fking sick are we?!?!? harvey milk was the ultimate HOMOPHOBE. just read his history!!!! he preyed on desperate young men, NYC lawyers thought he was scum (arrogant, haughty and a ditch) and we all know what scum 85% of NYC lawyers are… or just lawyers in general, i shouldn’t specifically lay into manhattan fks like our dumptruck fake president.

so back to the story — HOMOSEXUALITY is just SEX WITH MEN BETWEEN MEN. it’s not about relationshipping. that’s GAY stuff. gays are the men and women who are brave enough to simply NOT CARE about the societies in which they exist and choose to be open about their desire to RELATE with their own sex. and this makes a community of sorts. it brings like toward like and cretes "ghettos".

but remember this: BRAVERY is the one thing that almost all humans admire about our collectively shared spirit.

NONETHELESS, as a homosexual man, having a flaming flirtatious, narcissistic sht like HARVEY MILK representing the “gay community” is a fking farce. it’s the WORST example that could be chosen. but harvey milk belongs to the AD MACHINE in fake jewish hollywood. however, AGAIN!!!! if you read about his life ONLY a little bit, you will see what a loser he was and that he actually DID NOTHING while he was in political office (a mere ten months before an angry fellow employee iced him!!!).

in fact, all harvey milk did was get elected. is that HEROIC?

instead, he just pissed an irish catholic white man named dan white off and dan shot his sorry ass for fun, so kicking off the TWINKIE TRIALS where "sugar" was the culprit.

is that heroic? is that a hero? he literally was so shtty that he was shot incidentally. but don’t forget, he also aided and abetted in the suicide of one of his desperate young fk buddies that he preyed upon. the guy was a mess. he embezzled and used people like toilet paper. seriously, you can look this all up.

and if harvey isn’t enough of a reflection of this strange absurdity, we have HERCALES as our example of a greek hero. and what a silly life he lived! he ended up being killed with centaur blood because his wife just wanted him to be faithful. Νέσσος had the last laugh in the end because he knew his blood would kill heracles and that this was the joke — a dead hero can’t be faithless. get it?!!??

and for the record, i’m going to list the VERBS that are attached to each one of Heracles 12 feats (sometimes called labors), which oddly read like a new drinking party game called STEAL, CAPTURE, SLAY:

SLAY SLAY CAPTURE CAPTURE CLEAN SLAY CAPTURE STEAL OBTAIN OBTAIN STEAL CAPTURE cerberus "Heracles says that, although Eurystheus commanded him to bring back Cerberus, it was not from any desire to see Cerberus, but only because Eurystheus thought that the task was impossible." hahahaha, poor cerberus — a three-headed barking dog tooled to the end.

so let’s be real now, is this a “HERO” according to the histories that we keep. these are the actions and accomplishments of a "hero"?

HERACLES’ FEATS, which you can see by the verbs, are pretty straightforward — SLAY, CAPTURE, STEAL, OBTAIN and one menial labor of cleaning out horse stables…

well darn, so much for heroes. especially now when people refer to common soldiers as heroes instead of corporate thug-pawns protecting non-national oligarchical interests in faraway lands at the expense of actual HUMANS.

nothing new there, right? no wonder people made up a CHRIST to try to sort through the FK and KILL schemes of the human condition.

anyway, my point is that when you allow a BAD ROLE MODEL to represent an entire community, it allows bigger communities to PERSECUTE AND TERRORIZE the entire subset community.

AIDS for example was used to terrorize ALL homosexual men. its purpose was LITERALLY to free up the uranium 235 that gets converted “upwards” to uranium 238. so if the african people were enmeshed in a variety of health/life crises they wouldn’t be able to stand up to the western powers and take “control” of the “resource” that was under the land they lived on doing nothing for them.

so voila! — a disease starts in africa with ORAL VACCINES distributed by the JONAS SALK institute. this disease found its way into the gay community quickly due to the nature of sex practices or some other dastardly design — there is a patient O (as in OH, not ZERO). in this case it stood for "out of california, because the was no actual patient zero, AIDS broke out in several places simulatneously in the united states (and remember the first wave of AIDS had an incubation period where you could go over a decade without showing any symptoms.)

"Gaëtan Dugas (French: [ɡaetɑ̃ dyɡa]; February 20, 1953 – March 30, 1984), a Canadian flight attendant, was a relatively early HIV patient who once was widely regarded as "Patient Zero" or the primary case for AIDS in the United States. "

and we don’t need to argue about who it was at the institute who tainted the vaccines. they did. that’s all you need to know. it was intentional.

and recently, i brushed up against a worker who is in the WAR PROMOTION industry that keeps this nation fat and rich and over-medicated. i heard what i already know — there is a cone of information silence at every level as you ascend. the higher you rise, the dirtier you get. this man, for example, produced a working model for the exact point at which a toxic agent will collapse your breathing tissues in your throat. it is a bio-mechanical “model” which is now used to identify the amounts of any of these toxic agents you need to dump on a population to get the results you want. oddly, he doesn’t take any responsibility for this work or the way in which the work is used around the world now and SOLD to other governments and information societies.

so this CONE OF SILENCE methodology is exactly what allows 99.99999% of the good/stupid people to feel fine about the shtty things they are doing and creating while the .00000001% adds the TAINTED POISONS and TOXINS at the last second.

and, as i was saying earlier, that’s what this book THE PROTOCOLS of the LEARNED ELDERS of ZION is about — how to become the .000000001% and subdue the majority. and who cares whether russian anti-semites wrotes it? does that change the EDUCATIONAL VALUE of the CONTENT INFORMATION? or is that just there to keep people from reading it? ANYONE can use the information, for example, duh!!!! ANYONE.

i mean do people listen to pop songs sung by women about getting nasty and dirty and sexual and think, HEY, A MAN WROTE THAT!!!! they should. 99% of weird love songs from the seventies in the world of disco — which brought us cocaine, tight pants and a general hedonistic sense of ennui — are written and arranged by men.

songs like "so many men, so little time" which proudly make all manner of boisterous claims to female sexuality are just fkt up lies written by men hiding behind their human props. but people don’t think that, they think, "YO! that woman wants to be fkt!" but it was really IAN LEVINE.

so we need to ask ourselves, did this fear of anti-semitism, for example, stop WHITE WESTERN OLIGARCHS from benefitting from the strategies presented? and why wouldn’t ANYBODY in china also read this text to gain a superiority over their enemy? why wouldn’t anyone who was infected with the taint of USURY not find this effective?

people in the U.S. study the book THE ART OF WAR, which is hilarious, as there is no such “art”. art has no FKING PURPOSE that kills people. it is the EXACT OPPOSITE OF ART. it should be called the "FKERY OF WAR and how to win". that would be more direct.

but i don’t hear everyone getting all up in china’s business and calling the nation a bunch of euphemistic hate slurs about murder and warfare. and rightfully so, it’s just a book and most people don’t care about books.

so if i get all up in the business of the PEOPLE who are using the book to murder and squelch the human spirit around the world, please don’t call me anti-semitic. and if i write essays about how parents are the very worst thing about children, please don’t call me anti-breeder. oh, wait, no, please do!!! i’m definitely upset with the way you people breed and then abandon your children.

and a note to all of you who think cheating is only an issue between you and your husband or you and your wife, maybe you should wake up to the fact that you’re cheating on your children almost more than your spouse. worse, your cheating will alter the entire development of your children whether they know it or not. the SICKNESS of your dishonesty will fester its way into the very essence of their personalities. and this is the sin that is spoken of that passes from “father to child”.

when jesus did his showdown with the men who were about to murder a woman for fcking around with other men against her husband, we are told that jesus started drawing nasty pictures in the dirt of the men and the fkt up stuff that they had done. one by one as the pictures emerged, the men judged themselves on what they saw and left.

and here’s where christians FK the story up as usual. they claim that JESUS forgave the woman. but this is not true. JESUS did not forgive the woman. instead he said the very worst thing you could possibly say — literally the most deviant thing of all to commission a human with — he said GO AND SIN NO MORE.

and to this day, when people ask me to forgive them, and i’m feeling generous, that’s what i say.

GO AND SIN NO MORE!!!!

why do i care about your sins against me? i haven’t held onto them. i have no forgiveness for anyone. i am not a christian. i am not weak and pathetic. i do not need salvation and i am not a sinner.

i am a gnostic. we do our best to NEVER lie to ourselves or others. we do our best to NEVER do things we hate.

that’s it. we’re not complicated. we don’t have agendas. we’re not out to sucker-punch you. we want to see GOD emerging from you as you are!

we carry love and intelligence. we believe that the GOD is inside of you (not that you are the god!) your job is to the let the GOD out.

that’s it.

but apparently the whole lying and cheating thing is too much for everyone (cheating is when you support a lie through omission or design a lie to be directly misleading, etc.)

personally, i find it amazingly exciting not to be able to lie or scurry sideways. it’s so EASY to lie. and once you start, why stop?

which leads us to the real essay about a man who went to an entitled school and designed a very remedial app that was chosen by the invisible empire to collect information and behavioral patterns from weak people who need attention. also known as FACEBOOK.

***************************

look how far we’ve come & ""CONGRESS MAN, YES" & several of the reasons why USURER’S LOGIC makes FACEBOOK the future press darlings of 2018", scott richard image and painting from 2012 (original photo from 2010)

PRESS PLAY

i love you, i know yello (1983)

an essay that cites TONS of quotes and incidents from the recent congressional meeting regarding FACEBOOK taking over the world and why you should have invested when i told you to invest… i did. just so proof would equal pudding.

(FYI the stock went up to 208 from 164 two weeks after this essay was written. it’s back down to what it was at that time again. facebook is spreading its profits into subsids now, so it’s not on my BUY NOW list. but if you can smell out the little geniuses facebook intends to buy, you might be able to find some juicy investments. i still believe that tesla will produce some kind of design innovation that will be purchasable for worldwide distribution…)

"CONGRESS MAN, YES" & several of the reasons why USURER’S LOGIC makes FACEBOOK the future press darlings of 2018 and beyond based on the CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS + transcript notes and observations by scott richard

usury sucks for everyone. even those who profit.

and we don’t FIGHT USURY.

we fk it until it destroys everything around us.

FB means fk buddy, literally, not facebook…

anyway, i know from great and long experience that americans graft their identity concepts from the products and services they use and abuse.

you can’t go broke betting on the fall.

to not buy FACEBOOK stock would be like turning down a 50% off willy wonka chocolate bar that ALSO comes with a free golden ticket to the chocolate factory.

so while i listened and periodically watched the 5 hours of boring and often JUVENILE hearings, i couldn’t help thinking how clever deception really is. FACEBOOK does soooo many things that you have no idea about.

where did you think all that FAKE money was going?

and it was sooooo touching when a couple of the congress people dared to ask when mark would stop selling OPIOID DRUGS off FACEBOOK. he conveniently said, never.

but don’t worry, the u.s. sent it’s least qualified people to talk to FACEBOOK about this, lol.

i mean, the vast majority of these congresspeople were like children who have no clue about adult concepts.

for example, not one congressperson asked if those "privacy settings" weren’t hackable — as in something so FKING SIMPLE like "well, a hacker can hack past those infantile settings." instead, they gave zuckerberg the legal opportunity to talk-stall his way out of their four minutes. it was EMBARRASSING to see how stupid most of these congresspeople really are and how unlearned about important tech philosophy. most of them had no idea even what "privacy settings" were, so many spent their four minutes being "schooled". fking waste. that’s like sending me to the olympics for weightlifting…

so the first problem is that congresspeople don’t really know a lot about anything. in general, they are "OUT OF THE GD LOOP" when it comes to understanding worldwide things like the fking INTERNET!!??! they know a little about a lot.

anyway, each congressperson was given four minutes to ask zuckerberg questions about what happened.

the LARGE majority wasted these minutes with grandstanding. only a handful seemed to have an inkling of what the real reach and danger and anti-American stance that FACEBOOK has against the united states.

so instead of gathering relevant testimony and commitment from FACEBOOK on super important legal issues regarding citizenship protection and unethical information exchange, they paraded themselves for THEIR fake american constituent’s votes. it was DISGUSTING. how fking shallow bipartisan azzhoes really are.

instead of REPRESENTING AMERICA, they represented their own careers.

and honestly, every single person on MEDZ or overeating or over drinking these days is acting like an ANTI-AMERICAN. supremacy is also a form of ANTI-AMERICANISM.

we’ve reached a point where our daily choices are becoming ANTI-AMERICAN and in violation of other citizens’ rights to be free. but i guess we don’t see it clearly, mostly.

in the city, it is much more obvious. especially a FAKE SANCTUARY city like san francisco, the sanctuary is REALLY being given to the monied and the foreign investors, not the locals. it’s a FAKE moniker for investors, not a representation of anything more. but most people are like these congresspeople — out to get more votes from their base. but that’s not AMERICAN. that’s just regional self-interest.

thankfully, there were a few exceptions and those ones were AWESOME to hear. they were incredibly revealing. and it is clear that their voices are being thrown out. so that’s a drag, but you can’t really stop FACEBOOK. they are not a social platform. they are the world’s largest company and they fund TONS of stuff around the globe.

for example, FACEBOOK is going to have the largest WORLDWIDE "counterterrorism" team. already there team is competitive with world powers. soon, they will be larger than any nation’s.

now, those of us who are in the know, well, we KNOW that the COUNTERTERRORISTS are the real terrorists.

if you listen to the 9/11 commission report you would know this, too. or, if you listened to anything the islamic world is saying you’d know this, too. but i already know you don’t listen to those people.

doesn’t change the truth — the COUNTERRERRORISTS are the real terrorists.

so now FACEBOOK will be the leading force in this deception.

already they have over 200 people working full time in 30 different languages in counterterrorism.

if you don’t get what this means, you should go read my facebook farewell that i wrote about two years ago when i stopped contributing to the largest surveillance system ever built and used against humanity.

i had written a similar program concept in the 90s. it was called CYBERBUDDY.

the idea was you would input your info into a program (we call them apps now) that tracked your emotional and physical world by remembering everything you input and being able to remind you of things — how you felt about others, what had happened and what others had done to you.

and, as all the social media programs do, it would have a backside that was constantly selling your information to buyers.

but the user never knew this.

anyway, that’s exactly what FACEBOOK did. and let’s be honest, FACEBOOK was CHOSEN.

it’s not that great.

there were way better platform possibilities. but the world cartels needed something legit, so they chose the HARVARD-based platform. and it worked. they inserted the most deviant and self-revealing and WORSE betraying platform known to humans.

this congressperson is holding up a chart. it shows FACEBOOK’s profits.

they are escalating exponentially. from 1 billion in 2006 to 26 billion in 2016 and then WATCH THE FKING LEAP!!!!

40 BILLION dollars in 2017.

buy now. you won’t be crying later.

anyway, zuckerberg intends to have more than 20,000 people working on counterterrorism within a year or so. they are also building an endless array of surveillance and algorithmic tools that will affect ALL world trade. they are also deeply involved in ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE development.

basically, if you wanted an anti christ of jewish origins, you are looking at the rise of the kingship. but if you’re not scared and don’t go that way right away, dip into OVERHEAD STUDIES to see just how amazingly controlling all of this is when you also have KILL DRONES and security enforcement.

already OVERHEAD STUDIES are being used against the u.s. population to imprison us.

anyway, for most people this will seem crazy and like a new gibberish. so be it.

i started to take notes about a third of the way into process when i started to get a feel for how the "hearings" work. it was new for me, but i’ll post the transcript of my notes which are a lot of actual transcriptting.

the republicans are all for it and that’s why you should bet on FACEBOOK. especially since the majority of FACEBOOK’s users are and will be NOT from america. so our "opinion" of this is just that.

FACEBOOK is bigger than the u.s. government and for the record, the whole counterterrorism surveillance team works from outside the u.s.

where there are different laws…

okay, so here’s the transcript which i LAUGHINGLY call:

CONGRESS MAN, YES

because this is the tactic zuckerberg and his lawyers realized was the WINNING COMBO.

who knew congresspeople were so fking stupid? especially from the stupid states. geez.

no wonder so many extra-foreigners are making a bid at stealing so much of the united states’ property.

it must be fking easy with so many dum fks.

and to those congress people who used this momentous occasion to further their careers instead of protecting the american public, FKU!!!!!

*********************************

PRESS PLAY

no stars

figures on a beach

the partial notes:

CONGRESSMAN, YES

i would love to be a congressperson, but to be one, i would have to not understand any of this. so why are they “representing” us??!?!?!

zuckerbergs tactics.

agree with the person.

deflect away from the topic by using their weakness and lack of knowledge.

obscure the truth. pretend you’re not a MASSIVE CONGLOMERATE but a calendar site for connecting people’s lives HALLMARK.

once zuckerberg figures out how to run the clock down, he takes over everytime.

some senators (usually republican) have long winded and meaningless monologues followed by easy to answer questions of no importance except to wind the four minute clock down.

20K employees for content control.

some senators (usually democratic) try to get him to answer YES OR NO questions. his tactic for stalling in this case is deflect back to their misunderstanding of the precise language or meaning. it makes them look dumb (a lot of the are and don’t understand why FACEBOOK is such a walking/talking front for a secret information and collection agency as well as worldwide product mouthpiece)

the best questions take all four minutes and then zuckerberg can deflect easily. fk that!!!

NOT A SINGLE CONGRESS PERSON (well, maybe one, but he petered out oddly) got through their questions. most had MANY left and were forced to “submit” them for consideration. BULLSHIT!!!!

SMASHFACE his “prank” site.

"we’re getting ready to overreact”

we do nothing or we overreact!

you need to save your ship?

diamond and silk. african american women.

what is unsafe about two women supporting donald trump?

mr. schrader from oregon.

do you delete and save.

yes.. all things saved.

document retention policy.

preserve mails/conversations

testified that you don’t sell information.

but others do. aren’t you complicit?

"complaint only” enforcement.

kennedy democrat

wasted the whole time trying to explain himself.

“i’m sorry, i don’t understand your question.”

targeting options are shared likes. shared by facebook.

ad ranking. meta data. behaviors. newsfeed. relevancy vs. GIVING to advertisers.

how do people then “own” their own data?

then gets lost in the process and time runs out.

part of the rub

second you focus the individual instead of societal impact… you’re out of time.

but news and media. blah blah blah

mr flores. texas

large oil company monopoly 1800s 1900s

telecom company monopoly in the70s

thanks for being good.

wasted the whole time with a bizarre lecture.

conservatives are mad about BIAS.

they can’t see past their stupidity.

policy responses.

ideological agnosticism regarding their users public facing activities

finally, some questions. do you believe FACEBOOK SHOULD BE IDEOLOGICALLY NEUTRAL?

i agree we should be a platform for all ideas. [cuts him off and moves to next question. bam! yeah!!

with respect to privacy we need a baseline when we talk about a virtual person, name address websites visited, picture, etc. ownership issue is the individual’s creation.

they own it.

do you agree.

yes.

use of data issue and full disclosure for unlimited time.

easy understand.

runs out of time.

california

mr cardenas

biggest business model and totally unregulated.

shows shareholder revenues table

2009 net revenue less than a billion dollars

26 billion for 2016

40 billion dollars for 2017

CEO of cambridge analytica stepped down during the meeting.

does that solve the issue around the controversy.

no, two issues. how were they able to buy data from a developer that people chose to share it with? but some of the info originated on facebook.

people had it on facebook and CHOSE to share their AND their friend’s information…

question:

buy information to add or augment to build around them their profile.

we just recently announced that we’ve stopped working with data brokers as part of the ad system.

yes, standard practice.

you did engage in it.

yes. until we announced we were shutting it did.

facebook threatened to sue the guardian if it revelaed the cambridge analytica story.

hey maybe you don’t want to do that.

“there may have been an specific factual inaccuracy.”

however they did go through with it regardless.

then ONLY then did facebook apologize for 89 million users info ending up in other people’s hands.

‘

it’s time that you FACEBOOK want to be a leader and american you can be a leader.

are you committed to being a leader. you can in fact do right by users of facebook.

time’s out. two second answer?

"i am definitely committed to taking a broader review of our responsibility. not so that we don’t just give people tools but so they are used for good.”

first five or ten minute , ten minute recess.

5;40

TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES LATER…

mre. brooks indiana

platform of facebook and other platforms help keep us safe from terrorists and recruitment of women and children to join terrorist organizations.

facebook didn’t exist before 9/11

isis and al acaida use these platforms.

terrorism recruitment.

now terrorists use social media.

then you talked about dangerous or objectionable content needing to be reported but what if they don’t? what if people just assume that someone else is reporting.

what is the leadership role of facebook, our role in stopping recruitment.

thank you for the question. there is no place for that in our network.

we’ve developed a number of tools so that 99% of isis and al acaida is flagged before we even see it.

we’re proud of it as a model for removing "harmful content".

as of march 29th there were ISIS videos, executions,

april 9th five pages of hezbollah content

what is the mechanism?

is it AI

2-0K people?

what are you using.

this is just within a week.

counter terrorism team at facebook with 200 people.