#and part of me feels guilty about that bc i have also bought several books that i have not read

[apocalypticdemon]

for all i bang on about consumerism being bad i sure do like to purchase books, huh.

[artemisia-black]

I posted 379 times in 2021

175 posts created (46%)

204 posts reblogged (54%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1.2 posts.

I added 470 tags in 2021

#sirius black - 152 posts

#harry potter - 56 posts

#the noble and most ancient house of black - 50 posts

#harry potter fanfiction - 43 posts

#regulus black - 42 posts

#marauders - 33 posts

#my writing - 31 posts

#toujours pur - 25 posts

#noble and most ancient house of black - 19 posts

#sirius orion black - 19 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#u can tell how much jkr is using dumbles as her mouthpiece in that scene bc he just goes on talking shit abt sirius for several paragraphs

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Sirius Black isn’t an immature manchild

To celebrate the start of Scorpio season and in honour of our bestie, I have planned 3 metas about what I think are common misconceptions around his character.

A common mischaracterisation of him is that he’s deeply immature. This also ties into the idea that he sees Harry as his mate and is more of a friend than a father figure. IMO this is unfair on him and below I will detail why.

1.0 He loves Harry like his own son and doesn’t see him as James

This idea first arises from comments made by Mrs Weasley:

“Sometimes, the way you talk about him, it’s as though you think you’ve got your best friend back!” - OoTP

However, we are told this and never actually shown that this is what he believes. In fact, we are shown the opposite:

1.1 He holds boundaries with Harry and doesn’t emotionally dump on him

Despite experiencing an onslaught of trauma, he never uses Harry as an emotional crutch and holds boundaries with his own personal problems.

“Never mind me, how are you?” said Sirius seriously. GoF

After this comment, he then listens to Harry’s problems until Harry has nothing else to say.

This is not the behaviour or actions a person would take towards someone they regarded as a friend. As friendship involves a mutual sharing of problems, whereas this reads like a father talking to his son.

Indeed, even in OoTP where he is struggling with his mental health, he still doesn’t share with Harry. Even when Harry is facing expulsion, Sirius (who is deeply traumatised and lonely) doesn’t encourage the idea that Harry can live at Grimmauld place,

“He just didn’t want to get his own hopes up even more,” said Hermione wisely. “And he probably felt a bit guilty himself, because I think a part of him was really hoping you’d be expelled. Then you’d both be outcasts together.'

Yes, he wants Harry to live with him, but he’s aware that he isn’t being fair, so keeps it too himself. I also feel that Hermione has bought into Mrs Weasley’s interpretation of him in this instance. A key bit of this dialogue is the use of the term,

‘ A part of him was hoping,’

But overall, his actions demonstrate that he wants the best for Harry and doesn’t act on his feelings. This is backed up by Harry, who says,

“I don’t think that’s true,” said Harry, wringing out his cloth. “He wouldn’t give me a straight answer when I asked him if I could.”

1.2 He is protective and offers advice

Throughout GoF, he offers advice via letters and towards the end of the book is sending daily owls. Within some of these letters, he praises Harry in a very paternal way (and in a way that would be patronising to someone he viewed as a mate).

‘Dear Harry, Congratulations on getting past the Horntail……...but your way was better, I’m impressed………...Don’t get complacent, though, Harry.’ (GoF)

And on multiple occasions, Sirius is very protective of Harry,

‘ You’d better get back to school,” Sirius said, getting to his feet. “Now listen ...” He looked particularly hard at Harry. “I don’t want you lot sneaking out of school to see me, all right? Just send notes to me here…………….But you’re not to go leaving Hogwarts without permission; it would be an ideal opportunity for someone to attack you.”

1.3 Fulfilling his duty as Godfather

In GoF, he tells Harry that he’s flown back to England in order to,

‘Fufill his duty as Godfather.’

Even at 21 he tries to take responsibility for Harry,

‘ ….An’ then he says, ‘Give Harry ter me, Hagrid, I’m his godfather, I’ll look after him — ’ Ha! But I’d had me orders from Dumbledore, an’ I told Black no, Dumbledore said Harry was ter go ter his aunt an’ uncle’s. ‘ PoA

He even insists when Hagrid said no (which is contrary to the popular belief that he shirked his duty to hunt down Peter),

‘ Black argued, but in the end he gave in. Told me ter take his motorbike ter get Harry there. ‘I won’t need it anymore,’ he says.’

So he takes his responsibility towards Harry very seriously and IMO this in anathema to an immature man-child.

2.0 OoTP

Order of the Phoenix is often cited as the book where his ‘immaturity’ becomes obvious. However, I dispute this:

First, he is obviously struggling mentally and I find the discourse around this to have undertones of mental health stigma. I have written two main metas on this:

https://mrs-stubby-boardman.tumblr.com/post/653454333621469184/last-part-sirius-black-traditional-masculinity

https://blitheringmcgonagall.tumblr.com/post/662746501598134272/do-you-think-sirius-had-any-sort-of-mental

An egregious line is where his depression is referred to as,

‘Fits of the sullens.’

Second, there are multiple occasions where he acts responsibly:

He listens to orders - For most of the book, he stays inside and listens to Dumbledore’s orders. He only leaves to protect Harry.

He takes care of the Weasley children and doesn’t rise to Fred’s goading him

He comforts Molly after the Boggart despite their previous disagreement

He cares for Buckbeak

He owns up to being an ‘arrogant little berk,’ during his youth

He tells Harry to leave the battle in a very paternal way. He praises him while telling him to leave,

“Nice one!” shouted Sirius, forcing Harry’s head down as a pair of Stunning Spells flew toward them. “Now I want you to get out of — ”

In conclusion, I’m not saying he’s perfect but IMO he’s not a man-child who sees Harry as James 2.0.

Note: I am happy to have a debate about this, but any ranting/abuse will be ignored :D

265 notes • Posted 2021-10-25 11:44:57 GMT

#4

Taking a moment to appreciate how much Sirius clearly enjoyed being called a 'nice dog'

“Nice dog, Harry!” called a tall boy with dreadlocks.

“Thanks, Lee,” said Harry, grinning, as Sirius wagged his tail frantically. " OoTP

296 notes • Posted 2021-11-22 12:25:49 GMT

#3

Sirius Black is emotionally and academically intelligent

To celebrate the start of Scorpio season and in honour of our bestie, I have planned 3 metas about what I think are common misconceptions around his character. And here is number 2.

A common mischaracterisation of him is that he’s not very clever and when at school he needs to copy homework from other people.

1.0 Sirius at school

When recounting Sirius’s school days, several characters mention how clever/brilliant he was. In particular, queen Mcgonagall says:

‘ Precisely,” said Professor McGonagall. “Black and Potter. Ringleaders of their little gang. Both very bright, of course — exceptionally bright, in fact.’ PoA

McGonagall never gives praise lightly and in fact at this moment she thinks Sirius is a mass murderer. Even when she appears to be fond of a student, she’s very realistic about their academic ability and in HBP she says the following to Neville,

‘“But the problem is Transfiguration. I’m sorry, Longbottom, but an Acceptable’ really isn’t good enough to continue to N.E.W.T level. I just don’t think you’d be able to cope with the coursework.” HBP

So calling Sirius and James, ‘exceptionally bright,' is not Hyperbole.

Furthermore, during the fire-call Remus says,

“Look, Harry, what you’ve got to understand is that your father and Sirius were the best in the school at whatever they did — everyone thought they were the height of cool — if they sometimes got a bit carried away . ” OoTP

Yes Remus is a biased source, but it can be strongly inferred that Sirius was indeed a very high-achieving student, even if his behavioural record had much to be desired.

Also quick note- these dorks enjoyed amateur cartography ‘height of cool,’ is a little strong.

2.0 Sirius is arrogant about his intellect

This view of his intellect is also held by Sirius himself and this is demonstrated by several things during Snape’s Worst Memory:

He’s long finished his OWL exam and is just sitting there looking hot.

“Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake,” he heard Sirius say. “I’ll be surprised if I don’t get Outstanding on it at least.” - homeboy is so confident that he thinks the exam board might make a new grade for him

He doesn’t need to read the transfiguration book, not because he’s barely literature and only cares about his hair, but because,

“I don’t need to look at that rubbish, I know it all.”

Indeed, Sirius is so sure of his own intelligence that he attempts to outsmart Voldemort and James trusts him to do that. I know some of this trust is rooted in their bond as brothers, but James must have had to greatly respect Sirius’s intelligence to risk the lives of his wife and child.

3.0 Sirius Post-Azkaban

Sirius is still very clever, despite having been in prison for 12 years and being in various states of starvation and mental ill health:

In PoA He conjures manacles with another wizard’s wand, despite being 13 years out of practice.

In GoF he immediately recognises that Harry’s scar hurting is a bad sign,

‘ I’m flying north immediately. This news about your scar is the latest in a series of strange rumors that have reached me here. If it hurts again.’ GoF (this quote also ties in with my previous meta about him being a mature guardian).

He remembers how to deal with dragons, despite having probably not opened a book during his 12 years in Azkaban and one year living rough,

‘I was going to suggest a Conjunctivitis Curse, as a dragon’s eyes are its weakest point.’ GoF

He pieces the majority of the plot together, while half-starved in a cave and scrounging newspapers. Indeed, he is frustrated at himself for not being able to fully figure it out:

‘Sirius stared at the cave wall, then made a grimace of frustration.’ GoF

He understands Priori Incantatem immediately,

‘.....The Reverse Spell effect?” said Sirius sharply.’ GoF

In OoTP he studies his hand with interest (which is a nice nod to his curiosity) when he gets bitten by something and immediately fixes it,

‘ Sirius sustained a bad bite from a silver snuffbox; within seconds, his bitten hand had developed an unpleasant crusty covering like a tough brown glove.

“It’s okay,” he said, examining the hand with interest before tapping it lightly with his wand and restoring its skin to normal, “must be Wartcap powder in there.' OoTP

He heals the injury that Kreacher inflicts on Buckbeak

Despite being 13-14 years out of practice, he easily matches with some of the ‘best’ death eaters,

‘Now Sirius and Dolohov were dueling, their wands flashing like swords, sparks flying from their wand tips. ’ OoTP

Dumbledore describes him as,

' A brave, energetic and clever man.’

4.0 Sirius is also emotionally intelligent

Sirius understands emotions and is able to verbalise them. One of the key scenes that demonstrate both his emotional and intellectual intelligence, is the scene in the Shrieking shack where he is describing how he survived Azkaban,

‘ I don’t know how I did it,” he said slowly. “I think the only reason I never lost my mind is that I knew I was innocent. That wasn’t a happy thought, so the dementors couldn’t suck it out of me’

In this quote, he is demonstrating an understanding of the nuances of his emotions. Because yes he is innocent, but it’s not a happy thought because James, Lilly and 12 muggles are dead. So he understands that it’s not a thought that can bring him joy or hope, but a thought that has enough nuance to also not be bad.

' so when it all became . . . too much ... I could transform in my cell . . . become a dog.’

In this quote, he’s showing awareness of his mental limits and he also shows this during OoTP when he withdraws during his more intense periods.

‘ Dementors can’t see, you know. ...” He swallowed. “They feel their way toward people by feeding off their emotions. ... ‘

Here he is showing his intellect and how well he understands how Dementors work. And both types of intelligent merge in the next part of the quote,

‘ They could tell that my feelings were less — less human, less complex when I was a dog.’

He clearly understands the nuance and degrees of feelings and how some feelings are more surface level whereas others have caveats.

During the rest of the series, he shows his emotional intelligence in numerous ways,

By providing Harry the Hogsmeade slip and allowing Harry to feel like a normal child who has a guardian who cares for him.

During GoF, he allows Harry to talk despite having broken into a house and needing to talk to Harry about the task,

‘ I’m — ” For a second, Harry tried to say “fine” — but he couldn’t do it. Before he could stop himself, he was talking more than he’d talked in days. ’ GoF

And to be a good listener, you have to be emotionally intelligent.

3. He sends Harry a muddy pawprint as a good luck gift for the last task as he understands that Harry appreciates knowing that he’s thinking of him.

4.On the dark side of this, he’s able to deliver such cutting insults because he understands people so well. This is demonstrated by IMO is the only time he’s a bad godfather and I will never defend him for this,

‘You’re less like your father than I thought,’ He said finally, a definite coolness in his voice. ‘ The risk would’ve been what made it fun for James.’ OoTP

Here Sirius is demonstrating his understanding of how much Harry’s masculinity is rooted in his idealisation of James, so he goes for it.

In conclusion, Sirius Black is cannonically very emotionally and intellectually intelligent.

Note: I am happy to have a debate about this, but any ranting/abuse will be ignored :D

599 notes • Posted 2021-10-26 20:22:53 GMT

#2

My top twenty Sirius moments

1. When he manages to seem bored in Azkaban and says he misses doing the crossword.

2. When he takes time out of his busy murder plot to buy Harry a new broom, via his finance manager/personal assistant Crookshanks.

3. His friendship with Crookshanks #squadgoals

4. When he thinks it’s a good idea to break into a dorm full of sleeping teenagers and try and stab a rat in the dark. Homeboy is verrry confident about his knife skills .

5. “There’s enough filth on my robes without you touching them Peter.” Ahh Sirius you sassy icon.

6. Also ‘If you made a better Rat then Human that’s nothing to boast about Peter.’ Le sass is strong.

7. Mr Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a Professor. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 perfection

8. When he sends post via tropical birds, for dramatic effect.

9. When he really leans into the criminal thing and breaks into someone’s house to use the fire ( I hope he stole some food).

10. When he basically figures out the entire GoF plot using scrounged newspapers. He’s an incredibly astute person and it’s tragic he never got to hunt Horcruxes (it would have taken him a few days).

11. The chapter Padfoot returns should be renamed ‘Wizarding world tea with Sirius Black.’ He legit had the receipts on everyone.

12. When he sends Harry a muddy pawprint as a good luck gift (be still my beating heart).

13. When Padfoot growls at Fudge while in the hospital wing. Despite being a wanted criminal who is front of the man that could have him arrested, no one insults Harry in front of Sirius.

14. When he gets bitten by something in Grimmauld place and spends a moment studying his hand in an interested way. Ahhhh he had such a sharp mind that clearly loved working things out.

15. Padfoot chasing pigeons on the way to King’s Cross.

16. God rest ye Merry Hippogriffs. I need a Sirius Black Christmas carol remix album in my life.

17. How he still looks hot while taking an exam. Trust me this is a special gift- I normally look like I haven’t slept in a week and have caffeine shakes.

18. ‘ Reading between the lines, I’d say she thinks you’re a bit conceited, mate.’ The books needed more sassy/sarcastic Sirius.

19. When he put santa hats on the elf heads, and singlehandly created the ultimate emo xmas decor.

20. His room being covered in motorcycle pictures. I’d like to think that muggle Sirius would definitely have a motorcycle themed tumblr.

1244 notes • Posted 2021-06-23 20:50:20 GMT

#1

Hopefully Flo Rida has earned his freedom from San Marino.

3280 notes • Posted 2021-05-22 22:53:53 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[fahrminbrahmin]

ED Questions: nobody asked for this but im bored lmao

1. which eating disorder(s) do you have? 

tbh nobody has said a specific name to me drs just say either ‘eating issues’ or ‘eating disorder’ so ednos?


2. when did you develop your eating disorder?

this is hard to answer bc looking back ive shown signs since ~early teenage years but ive been fully aware of it for about 2-2.5 years


3. are you currently in recovery?

im in therapy, its bought up every other session but i tend to avoid mentioning it so yes and no


4. honestly, do you want to recover?

again, yes and no. I often h a t e feeling like this but?? the pros out way the cons at this point


5. how are you doing today?

unhealthily? great! lol i hit my next gw this week and p much all my cals have been from alcohol lmao healthily? p bad ive only eaten a cruskit and some lettuce & im kinda depressed these past days but hey! idc


6. 5 safe foods?

lettuce! so much lettuce i can easily go through a head a day. honestly, its the only thing i can eat without feeling any semblance of guilt.


7. 5 fear foods?

tbqh, its such a long list everything p much. at the height of my fear of food i saw the word protein and freaked the F out so protein


8. do you count calories?

yeah but im really good at lying to myself about how many calories ive actually eaten lmao


9. what is your max calorie limit?

i say 550, but anything over 250 makes me feel like utter shit but then again, anything makes me feel shit lol


10. what is your height?

5′3″ / 161cm 


11. what is your ultimate goal weight?

it was 49.5kg! but i hit that so its 48.7kg atm itll go down again tho


12. are you trying to lose weight?

absolutely yes


13. have you ever been called “fat”?

honestly i cant even remember if i have or not


14. have you ever been called “too thin”?

ive been called ‘small’ but not too thin. the dream tbh


15. what is your current goal weight?

48.7kgs


16. what was your highest weight?

when i first started weighing myself regularly, 61kgs


17. what was your lowest weight?

49.1kgs


18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight?

im there rn 


19. does your family know about your eating disorder?

yes, i dont talk to a lot of ppl and p much everyone knows


20. do your friends know about your eating disorder?

yeah, one of my best friends was actually the first person i told


21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder?

yes and no, i hate feeling like this toward myself and food. but ive always hated myself so this is an improvement so its a really happy side effect


22. have any “free foods”?

lettuce!! lettuce lettuce lettuce. and tea


23. how often do you weigh yourself?

every day when i wake up. id say morning but i have a shit sleep schedule lol


24. thinspo or bonespo?

neither tbh im more of a i-have-an-ed-more-to-harm-myself-less-to-be-thin kinda gal


25. biggest problem area on your body?

my chubby chubby cheeks. the great irony is that my ed gave me chipmunk cheeks which hasnt helped any but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 


26. favourite part of your body?

tbqh i like my waist. its not tiny but its p good imo


27. what kind of results do you want to see?

booooooones!!


28. do you purge?

:/ yeah


29. do you take laxatives?

yes but i have bowel problems anyway so its the constant struggle of do i take the reccomended amount or do i overdose lmao its always overdose


30. how often do you purge?

it goes in cycles, some weeks i purge every day, other weeks its could be 1-2 times a week.


31. do you binge?

by definition, no, but often times ill eat and say to myself its a binge


32. how long have you fasted for?

im SHIT at fasting, probably like 18-19 hours


33. who’s your biggest thinspiration?

hands around thighs really get me. also protruding rib cages thats the dream.


34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary?

none! ive only seen maybe half an ed doc i cant get through one. But! I have a book of stories of girls w/ eds and there was one story about a white/polynesian girl with an ed with identity issues and she was l i t e r a l l y me i still have that book


35. favourite thinspo picture?

again, any pic of fingers touching around thighs. LUV it


36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?

ive only posted 2 body checks lol, u can see them here


37. how does your eating disorder affect your life?

Im literally obsessed with food nd my body ive isolated myself from everyone/thing in my life and everything i do is a number i h8 it


38. what is your BMI?

currently, 19.1 
39. do you follow a diet?

yeah, as little calories as possible lmao


40. least favourite part about your eating disorder?

most if not all of it? its all i think about


41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships?

yes? if we group my ed with all my other mental health problems, i isolate myself from everyone i havent seen one of my best friends in over a year so YA


42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? what is it?

c h o c o l a t e. it is very much a guilty pleasure lool


43. meanspo or sweetspo?

not about the whole concept tbqh


44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder?

the saddest part, most women i know have expressed r admitted to doing some really shitty stuff to themselves in order to be thin


45. ever been inpatient? 
/ 46. ever been outpatient? / 47. ever been in residential care? / 48. ever been in a psych ward?

nah but ive been threatened with it


49. are you currently in therapy?

yeah, individual therapy and DBT


50. what did you eat today?

a cruskit, 1 gummy lolly, ~4 leaves of lettuce and 3 glasses of wine lmao


51. are you scared about the holidays?

yes bc ill make a pavlova and ofc im gonna eat it rip :/


52. are your family/friends supportive?

kind of, if im in a healthy mind set i know they care but dont really know how to go about it. but they let me do a lot of shitty things to myself


53. have any other mental illnesses?

’severe social anxiety’, emotional disregulation, depression, maybe avpd and/or bpd?


54. looking for ana buddies?

nopenopenope ill never encourage this


55. what is your current weight?

as of this morning: 49.1kgs

[smallpoem]

ramble: being nonbinary, mental health, university, moving out, life

very long personal ramble under the cut so feel free to ignore

these weeks right now are the last real free weeks of my life and yet i feel like there is so much on my plate my head is constantly full of worries and things i need to do and things i need to remember i can hardly breathe my depression and anxiety are really bad and i spend most days doing nothing, just trying to distract myself and get through the day, and every night my insomnia keeps me awake until 4 am i feel more uncomfortable and trapped and unhappy in my body every day, i came close to just chopping my hair off with a pair of crafting scissors several times i do really want to get it cut but im terrified of hair dressers, i hate them, and my mum has been pressuring me to get my hair cut for years, so now i feel like it wouldn’t be my own decision even if it is, i feel manipulated, it would feel like giving up, and i hate that, but i need to get it cut or im going to have a breakdown dysphoria, anxiety, depression are a constant state for me and im so exhausted, im so tired, i can’t do this anymore i hate my birth name, it’s like a slap to my face whenever anyone calls me that, and yet im terrified of coming out (“hello im nonbinary and my name is kieran, kier for short, please call me that” why is that so hard?) i really, really need a binder but i can’t figure out which size is right for me and anxiety won’t let me ask for help im isolating myself in my room and i hate it but i can’t handle being around people (like my mum who i live with), i feel trapped in my own home, i barely eat bc my anxiety is so bad i can’t leave my room i need to get out of here, i need my own space i want to move out and i did finally tell my mum about it and although she said she was hurt at first (which ?? why does everything i do hurt you mum im trying to take care of myself and get better, you always tell me to talk to you and to speak my mind and that it’s okay to be upset, but when i do you’re hurt and make me feel guilty, why?!), she is supportive of me now and she even started making plans for how she’s going to use my room when i don’t live in it anymore, which is good i think it helps that i want to stay in the same house, just get my own little flat here, i think that really helps her, but tbh it worries me i do want to stay here not for her but bc i love this place, i have lived here for 14 years and i love it and it’s my home, but im scared that im still gonna feel trapped by my mum’s presence and that she’s not going to be able to stay out of my business that sounds harsh but i just, she’s so incredibly overprotective, she does everything for me to the point that im scared to try and do something by myself bc it could hurt her feelings, and then she turns around and complains about how dependent i am on her, but when i try to be independent she makes me feel guilty for that too i need to get away from that so really what’s keeping me going, my silver lining, is the thought that im going to move into my own space in the near future, near being relative bc it’s probably still going to take almost a year (how will i survive like this for that long?) but that also brings more worries with it, mostly money related im obviously going to have to get a job to pay rent and provide for myself, which is not going to be easy as a mentally ill university student what kind of job am i going to get, how much will i have to work, how much will i earn, how much will it drain me? how, how will i get through the job interviews with my anxiety as it is? will i be able to afford keeping any of my hobbies or will i have to stop collecting albums, stop going to cons and concerts, stop dancing? regarding concerts, there’s another thing that stresses me out we’ve been planning to go to korea to see shinee early next year before they start enlisting, and while i really want to go, i also really don’t have the money and im scared i won’t be able to save enough in time, and i feel like no one is taking me seriously about this i don’t want to be indebted to my friends and i don’t want to ruin their plans and i don’t want to be left behind either and i feel guilty every time i spend money bc the concert is hanging over my head like a dark cloud that’s getting heavier with every cent i spend but i also know myself and i know that not treating myself to anything would make me really unhappy as shitty and materialistic as this may sound, buying albums, guild wars gems, and going to concerts makes me happy, and often it’s the only happy thing i have in a whole month there’s another event a friend and i are planning to attend, a book fair, which was my idea and i really want to go but i still haven’t gotten my shit together and bought tickets or planned how we’ll get there etc bc i feel so bad about spending that money and i feel like a hypocrite bc i bought a dvd and the guild wars expansion but those are easier bc i don’t have to plan anything what paralyses me about the book fair isn’t the tickets themselves, it’s the additional costs for transport and possibly a hostel, that’s so much money it just looms over my head terrifying me of spending it even though i’ll have to and don’t get me wrong i love my friends but one of them earns significantly more money than i do and still encourages me to spend mine, brushing off every time i mention being worried, and i fall for it too, i listen to them and spend the money and then feel horrible about it, why am i like this then university itself - on the one hand i am so happy and excited to start, on the other hand im terrified i don’t know how to handle my gender situation there - i know i can’t bear being called by my birth name, but i don’t know how to deal with that - should i send an email to every professor before the semester starts, which is terrifying and almost impossible bc again, anxiety or should i just say that i prefer kieran or kier over my birth name without an explanation? that way i wouldn’t have to come out but it’d also mean being gendered female which will not help my dysphoria either there’s an lgbt+ student group that i want to join but im terrified of that too, i want to go so bad but i’ll have to do that alone and that’s so hard it’s so hard idk how i’ll manage to do it im also just terrified of the future in general bc i have no idea what the f im doing with my life i will study korean language, culture, and history which is awesome, and i do know that i love language and translating, but i have no clue how and where i’d want to work, and i also don’t know if it’s gonna be enough if that makes sense? i really love translating but if there’s one thing i love more it’s creating, and im scared im going to be unhappy just translating other people’s creative work without directly being part of a creation process myself but i also know im not good enough at art or writing or graphic design im not good enough at anything there are so many things that i love and that im decent at but im not really good at anything and it’s so frustrating im so scared of the future and of failure and of making myself unhappy, i wish i had one thing i was good at and loved and knew i wanted to do so i could have a plan but im just swimming in a river of uncertainty and it’s terrifying everything is terrifying and im so tired of constantly being scared another thing that worries and stresses me out is my body and the constant pain im in my knees have been hurting for years but it’s all my joints now and all the doctor ever tells me is “you need to work out more” but it hurts then im also planning to go to a gynecologist bc i can’t handle the cramps anymore it hurts so much i just want to cry thinking about it and i can’t take it anymore for the longest time i have hated the thought of birth control bc i don’t want to mess with my body but at this point i’d do almost anything to make the pain stop and im hoping that birth control will help my skin too bc i hate my skin i hate it so much i wish no one would ever look at me bc i feel so ugly and disgusting and if i cut my hair off i’ll have nothing to hide behind and i don’t think i can handle that i just want to feel okay in my body and not constantly be in pain but doctors appointments are so scary and exhausting and everything is too much there’s more but i lost track of what i was going to say and tbh if i wrote down all of my worries this would never end im just. so tired and scared and tired of being scared