#and getting things i want vs rationing myself to only things i truly need

[apocalypticdemon]

for all i bang on about consumerism being bad i sure do like to purchase books, huh.

[raayllum]

intention vs reception, and breaking the cycle

I think one of the best ways TDP talks about family / cultural dynamics is how things can be taken in ways differently than they were meant to, particularly when it comes to parents and children. Dynamics and interpretations are a two way street, and your reasoning for something may not be something someone else can see, and they’ll make up another reasoning for it on their own end.

We see this pretty specifically with Harrow and Callum.

Harrow puts up a distance because he 1) wants to honour Callum’s possible relationship with his deceased biological father and 2) likely feels guilty over Sarai, and Callum growing up in the shadow of that grief. 

H: Over the years, there have been moments where I let there be a distance between us. Because I’m your stepfather, I was trying to give you the space I thought you needed to love your real father, even though he passed away. Now I wonder if I should have held you closer. I wonder if showing you how much I loved you would have been okay, and would not have disrespected your relationship with him. Callum, I know I’m not your birth father, but in my eyes and in my heart, you are my son. I see myself in you. I’m proud of you. And I love you unconditionally. 

So we know Harrow had nothing but good intentions, but those moments of distance - of Harrow trying to give Callum more thoughtfulness, not less - led to Callum being insecure and distant over his spot in the family, doubtful that Harrow truly thought of him as his son, exacerbated by Harrow’s royal status that Callum was married into through his mother. This was never Harrow’s intention, but Callum responded to how he was being treated and then conjured up his own reasonings that made sense to him to explain it.

E: Callum, why don’t you just call him Dad? C: Because he’s the king. And I’m his stepson. E: I think he would want you to. If you wanted to.

Their full understanding of each other comes too late, but it’s no less meaningful for Callum. Even if discussing and getting there wasn’t easy. 

We see Ezran struggle with this too, of what to take from his father (“I just wish Dad was here - he’d know what to do, y’know?”) as well as what to leave behind (“I don’t want to be that kind of king”). Rayla has a similarly complex relationship with her parents. Is feeling abandoned how Lain and Tiadrin meant to make her feel in Bloodmoon Huntress? Of course not. Was the other side of that when Rayla makes her peace with it supposed to give her this highly dangerous risk taking personality where she’ll go off alone in misguided attempts to protect people? Of course not.

The same way that no matter how angry, Runaan never would’ve wanted her to be Ghosted (he tried multiple times to send her home). He took her off the mission to protect her, not because she was ‘weak.’ The same way that Runaan was the best of his village / culture - a brave and selfless man who wanted to protect his people - and yet could also be cruel and unyielding in the face of innocence that didn’t fit with his preconceived notions. Even the whole “do not show fear” was likely meant to be far more akin to “don’t let fear control you” but as always, cultures are made up of people, and people are flawed and varied in their interpretations, and how they manifest them: 

“It’s okay to miss them,” she said gently.

“But it doesn’t do anything.”

“Feelings aren’t about productivity or results,” she said. Maybe a little ironically considering she was a Moonshadow elf, he thought at first, or maybe exactly why, when she finished. “They’re just our responses. Our reactions. We can only control them so much. And Garlaff knows they aren’t always rational, even if they’re what we feel.”

“I thought Moonshadow elves were against letting your emotions rule you.”

“We are,” she said. “Because it’s about controlling how you respond in the wake of your emotions, but we cannot make ourselves totally unfeeling. No matter how much we may wish we could, sometimes.” She smiled sadly. “But we do sometimes work too hard to control how we respond, to the point of shutting them down. Some of us are better at that than others.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” he said, his lips twitching upwards. “I’m engaged to Rayla.”

“Which is why if you can’t control it—if you miss someone, in spite of everything—maybe it’s okay. I’ve seen your fear and aspects of your grief rule you, Callum. I’ve never seen you treat anyone worse for it.”

“Yeah, well...” He turned back towards the window. He thought of losing his temper with Ezran at Katolis, or the Caldera; Rayla at the Nexus after Claudia (a grimace tugged at his mouth) told him about Harrow. “I’m a lot better at that than I was when I was a kid.”

—Chapter 11 of “If Time Is Money,” published March 2020

We see this play out with Lissa and her children in particular, even more than with Viren perhaps. Lissa didn’t mean to give Claudia the trauma she did. She was doing her best to do the right thing by giving her children agency alongside Viren, and then trying to help them stay together. But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t massive harm done anyway. 

And it’s these gaps in interpretation and intention versus consequence that make these dynamics real and viable and well, emotionally poignant. We can do massive harm to one another, even when it’s the opposite of our intentions (Viren and Harrow are a fantastic, mutual example of this, and so is Callum and Rayla’s post-TTM fallout). 

Because, especially as these child characters grow older, eventually what we do with those interpretations fully become our own actions. None of them have had to go down the roads they have. Yes, our childhood experiences and the choices our parents make effect us, but we also 100% have the power to make different decisions and grow beyond those interpretations. That’s what Breaking the Cycle is all about. But...

E: Because people are still hurting and they are still angry. We can’t ignore that, or pretend it will go away. 

And I also think this commonality of difference between intention vs reception, shall we say, is also why Harrow’s advice in regards to how to break the cycle and free yourself from the past emphasizes understanding and imagination.

H: Reject the chains of history. Do not let the past define your future, as I did. Free yourself from the past. Learn from it, understand it, then let it go. Create a brighter future from your own hearts and imaginations. 

Over and over, we see characters (mostly antagonists and villains, but not always) insist that things have to go a certain way. We have to do this. I have to do that. This is the way things have always been. We must prevent a terrible future born from apparent weakness. 

History - of our families, of our lives, of ourselves, of our communities - demand certain things, and we can be chained down by those things so easily out of obligation, or fear, or guilt, or trying to find some way to feel loved or important. But, in reality

You just have to be willing to imagine something new, that the cycle can be broken, that you can be something else than what you were. You just have to try - and it is never too late to start trying. 

[thesherrinfordfacility]

orwellian's a great word for it actually. "appropriate raiments will be provided" is the most disturbing thing in the whole series and i stand by that. this interpretation of heaven has definitely coloured my reading of the show especially how i see the fall so it's cool to see someone who agrees!

hard agree that pure coercion would be a total cop out. it's just that he does seem nervous so i do think he's aware of a certain degree of potential danger. i initially thought the metatron must have let slip an implication somewhere but i much prefer your idea that he suspected something. and well. i've been saying basically since season 2 came out that accepting the offer doesn't equal having completely fallen for it. will come back to that in my thoughts on the whole mess that was that domestic.

the blanket permission to come scream at you is greatly appreciated and i'll definitely make use of it; i love this kind of media dissection and speculation. 🦭

(p.s. i did indeed end up making the chekov's list since my ocd never can leave well enough alone lol. brace yourself: incoming!)

hihi again, 🦭 anon!!!✨

yes!!! in the context of 1984, especially, that line really is ominous; obviously there is a fine line between a corporate uniform and dictated dress, especially as the only scene where we see all of the angels look the same (iirc) is the waiting platoon in s1. otherwise, all of the angels do have individual dress/style (but similar enough to show belonging), even in the job scene, even if certain elements of their designs indicate shared rank or moral alignment... but the implication of subjugation made by clothes being specifically chosen for the prospective mind-wiped gabriel is... interesting.

and of course - aziraphale's outfit is very different to that of the other angels, in it being actual human clothing, and showing unashamed signs of wear and comfort. i remarked in a post that in job especially, his jobes (job robes) are very similar in aesthetic to that of michael and gabriel compared to say muriel's. could be that it's the appropriate dress of a principality rank, but im not... wholly convinced.

anyway, let's get on with your list!!! a herculean effort, truly!!! hope you don't mind, but a) ive copied and pasted it under the cut, because b) id love to use it as a checklist for myself (and of course if anyone else does!) re: things ive talked about, or indeed things that i have Thoughts on... or even things that i haven't thought to talk about and will probably look into doing so in the future!!!✨✨

episode 1:

starting with the big one there's the pre-fall sequence. the fall itself. talked a lot about these two things/the whole theme in general, found under the #the fall/the great war spec tag

maggie's spelling under the #we need to talk about maggie theory tag - babygirl is an angel, im convinced of it

"what's the point of it all" i mean, kinda talked about this in connection with stuff under the #god is dead theory tag, and in a couple of different asks; mainly that god doesn't give two hoots about any of it, and just wanted to give everyone and everything free will - and they have to work out the consequences for themselves (whilst she throws in a few chaotic sprinkles to keep things interesting)

shax's insider information about heaven ive definitely not discussed shax at all really, and i definitely have a few things id like to work out... main one being, for me, how she went from wondering where aziraphale was in ep3, to suddenly knowing how to exactly triangulate his position in ep4 finally talked about her in the #shax meta tag!!!

the demons being on half rations didn't really think to look at this!!! that could be interesting, especially with the short-staffed comment... someone did put to me that bc the apocalypse failed, everyone on earth continues dying and adding to the population of the Damned, so the work vs demon ration is steadily getting outweighed... but hm, could be something more than that!

"something terrible" because are we sure we're sure that that was about the stuff we've already seen you know, i wondered this too after ep6!!! it was a very interesting choice of words for me, bc whilst yes gabriel's fate was looking pretty shit, the line was almost a bit... well, over-announced? they kept repeating it? like, gabriel said he had to bring the box to aziraphale/the bookshop otherwise something terrible would happen... but why specifically the shop? is it just because aziraphale is the only angel/sanctuary on earth? is it because he was drawn to an angel that's also fallen for a demon? is it because aziraphale is simply kind? i don't trust that it's any of these explanations at all (or maybe all of them and another besides)... and tbh i think god has something to do with it. another speculation for the to-do list!!!

the book of life this one ive remarked on a fair bit under the #book of life theory tag, but it's fairly disjointed from other bits and pieces - tbh i probably need to do a long post at some point as to where all my theories etc join up... bc for the moment all of them are full of loopholes

michael and uriel's power politics oooooh i literally don't have a single scooby on this... id have to think on this a little more

the very highlighted matchbox quote this one ive had sat in the drafts for ages bc i can't quite parse it out - where does leviathan come into it? is it a reference to crowley-as-aziraphale spitting fire during the execution? why would it be on a matchbox of a bloody pub? is it a clue from god? is god linked to jim/gabriel somehow? gahd this one is still giving me a headache kinda? wrote about this - here, no tag for this specifically - and im still not fully satisfied that is the meaning of the matchbox but i think (hope) it might be somewhere near the mark?

1650 i speculated (or, well, dreamt up a hc) as to what this potential flashback could entail in a LWA response somewhere - in any case, give me the boys in cromwellian england and give it to me Now

the 25 lazarii miracle my batshit theory (and yet it makes complete sense to me, i stand by it) is in my #25 lazarii theory tag

episode 2:

heaven and hell working together as a single good cop bad cop system this is similarly stagnating in my drafts at the moment!!! but it's a bit of a mindbender for me bc it means i need to pick apart what everything thinks the job/satan bet was actually about... basically, i think it all comes back to understanding god's will - and all of them (yes, even crowley) have it wrong because imo god is completely amoral and is just the strongest advocate for free will... weirdly, i think the person that had the most right of it was gabriel.

"forces them under an awning together" god i hope this happens in s3... i mean there's no way it won't, right? and so many juicy possibilities (for my money itll be the bandstand, but equally would love, like, the stoop of the bookshop, and then have it mirrored again under like the porch of the south downs cottage) 🥺

gabriel's eyes glowing statements this tbh harks back to what i posted under the #25 lazarii theory tag - definitely something weird going on, and i have a gut feeling the boys accidentally made it even worse lmao

tricking heaven with a sleight of hand this is also going to require a bit more thought!!!

episode 3:

aziraphale's chekhov's diaries see im not sure how important i truly think theyre going to be, but if we go by the prominent influence of the crow road, it definitely has to be a s3 plot device, right? the only thing im scared of is that aziraphale's memory gets wiped, or he goes missing, and the books are key to getting back his memory/finding him... hmmm

crowley's consciousness extending into the bentley i think the crank is certainly important, even if just symbolic of his power - uses it to create nebulae, it survived the s1 explosion, etc. i do think bentley has its own kind of personality, but think it's borne out of proximity, use, and influence of her demon owner... obviously i could be entirely wrong, but i kinda hope it's more that he made her, and her allegiance as a sentient being is with him (and of course aziraphale by extension), mainly bc i want something to look after crowley... but then is it more poetic that the bentley is basically just him, and representative of him finding comfort in himself? idk tbh but she's a bad bitch and i love her

general resurrection themes ive talked a fair bit about the second coming aspect, but not about the resurrection and last judgement so much, so this is one for the list

gabriel's glowing eyes statements part 2 as above (and i realise that you might be talking about what he specifically says, not the general thing itself, 🦭 anon, but in a way what is being said is fairly self-explanatory imo, but why is the heftier question)

shax can sense gabriel in a way the archangels couldn't i personally don't think there's much by way of implication in the method in which she senses him (ie... smell? vs michael's weird sixth sense), but i do think there is something about the fact they can sense him at all... talked about in #25 lazarii spec and the #shax meta tag!!!

"it's always too late" oh god 💀 i had the most batshit theory about this that i don't even want to talk about BUT im with you that it's... an odd line. i love that it potentially references line in the book about crowley's watch being set to hell's time, which is set at "too late", but beyond that... not entirely sure why the line was said or said so... blatantly? feels like something obvious would explain it

rumours that aziraphale and crowley were an item that so far don't seem justified based on what hell knew. rumours that apparently had no major consequences for crowley despite one harmless photo warranting a legion to collect him [screams at 1941 truther sign] yeah this is how it read to me too, 🦭! something definitely happened after that dinner, and im not saying a move was made (and potentially witnessed by a couple of errant nazi zombies) but i think a move was made (and witnessed by a couple of errant nazi zombies) - #1941 spec tag

the literal chekhov's gun in the bookshop this one has flummoxed me, but i did read a speculation about continuing the 1941 flashback today, which was utter genius (and so much better than what i managed to dream up in the above tag), and suggested the derringer will make an appearance in a fight-ish scenario in that scene... which is frankly bloody inspired tbh, and im very much convinced by

the miracle blocker oooooh i don't have a dedicated tag for this but i definitely talked about it in a post under the #sanctuary/bentley theory tag!!! i think it was potentially a chekhov's gun that we didn't see get fired

sleight hand to trick hell probably one to look at in hand with the one above about tricking heaven

the zombies just running around london kinda as i said above tbh, not sure what'll happen to them afterwards but presumably a grisly end being eaten and pooped out by a spider

1941 full stop. we have not seen the last of that night. goddamn right we havent [skips around the 1941 truther sign]

episode 5:

the lack of demons available for the attack pretty much what i said above in ep1 about being short staffed bc the Damned population keeps increasing... maybe? still one to look at in more detail though!!!

"i know. do it anyway" "i know. looking at where the furniture isn't" not necessarily in reference to these quotes specifically, but in the general context - discussed this (and potential crowley memory loss) in the #the fall/the great war spec and #book of life theory tags

"if it happens twice it might seem like an institutional problem" oh. OH. THIRD EYE HAS OPENED. because we know two things, right? gabriel didnt fall/wasnt intended to, so the 'happens twice' isn't realised. and heaven does have an institutional problem, practically embodies the term. so if this is foreshadowing. does aziraphale fall. oh no. Oh No (ive sort of discussed this in #scapegoat theory tag but that was strictly pre-eden context...) this however has actually just made me realise that this is a chekhov's gun literally pointed at aziraphale's head... shitshitshitshitshjthka

mrs cheng's weird look across the street see this is on my list but waaaay down it. think she could be a demon. will work on it at some point edit: talked a little bit about this in the #shax meta tag, but possibly needs a dedicated post, idk

nina and maggie's semi immunity to miracles so the bit where aziraphale can't miracle them? that to me is potentially the same explanation as the miracle blocker post (like it all connects). maggie is more immune than normal to the ball miracle? see #we need to talk about maggie theory tag. as for nina... im still not sure on. idk if she's a demon (which for me is a Thought if we consider that hell are short-staffed; she could be one of Many) but it feels a little on the nose... one for the list edit: talked a little bit about nina in the #shax meta tag, but definitely needs a separate post at some point

shax saying the shop isn't an embassy anymore but the demons still unable to get in i didn't think of it from this angle, but i think my theory still stands - under the #sanctuary/bentley theory tag

nina and maggie's immunity to miracles part 2 oh oops - see above

episode 6:

maggie being able to invite the demons into the shop i think she's an angeeeeeeellllll (see #we need to talk about maggie tag)

the speed at which the portal opens and it's potential as a means of spying my latest galaxy brain moment (i hope) - #sanctuary/bentley theory tag

haloes and the potential consequences of blowing them up this one is in the #halo theory tag

crowley opening the files not quite sure what you mean by this one, 🦭!!! do you mean about his rank? definitely tried parsing this particular headscratcher in the #AWCW spec tag

heaven was trying to restart armageddon in a way that seems awfully unofficial oooooohhh.... haven't looked at it this way, but definitely will be!!! might link in with #god is dead theory stuff, but will need more exploring!!!

saraqael having their own agenda honestly saraqael is my newest bad bitch (gn) and if my #saraqael spec is even halfway true, im going to explode i love them

"i'm the only first order archangel in the universe" *camera cuts to crowley* kinda talk about this in the #AWCW spec tag but since neil cremated the lucifer theory (rip) ive kinda left this aspect alone... tbh i don't think he was as important as he's set out to have been

"i'm the only first order archangel in the universe" full stop. statement's plenty suspicious on its own too. this is....... potentially very intriguing

memory wiping as just a thing heaven does when someone disobeys i need to reconcile #book of life theory with this tbh - like, the focus on memory is so strong in s2 that i strongly believe it has connection to falling... at which point, where does gabriel demotion/mem wipe punishment fit in? and where does saraqael fit in, too?

muriel having the same kind of position gabriel was going to be demoted to vaguely looked at this in #book of life theory tag posts i think, especially in reference to how their potential punishments (in muriel's case) mirror each other

heaven and hell are technically at war now. its not like anyone with authority actually called it off danced around this in the #halo theory tag, in reference to aziraphale declaring this new war, and yet they've been at war for a long time? yes the reflection of it being a cold war but still... interesting to think about especially when framed like this

it's possible to remove your essence and store it elsewhere definitely need to explore the possibilities and implications of this at some point, but the suggestion i made in the #25 lazarii theory post somewhat starts to look at this

hell is understaffed as already mentioned above

the shax furfur alliance not quite sure what to think about this, and whether it necessarily means anything more than it's put across (ie just that they are the danger duo of hell in s3?) idk tbh i just need to look at them both as individual characters a bit more first #shax meta tag!!!

the many strange things that could indicate something going on in the last fifteen minutes god.... just anything in the #feral domestic/final fifteen meta tag tbh

"does anyone ever ask for death" idk whether or not to take this as meaning anything deeper than metatron just idly thinking "hmmm aziraphale could refuse my coffee, refuse a chat... at which point ill probably need to destroy him etc. hey, i wonder if anyone - instead of coffee - has ever actually asked for death? funny name for a coffee shop"... and possibly a double meaning meant by Nina saying 'everything else was taken'?

saraqael being the only one other than crowley who recognises the metatron and their reaction well theres my school of thought that saraqael is potentially closer to metatron that we maybe thought (#saraqael spec tag), but then again - and this exact sentence just reminded me - i think in this particular instance, both saraqael and crowley have just come fresh from watching the trial, so that's why they both remember metatron... which begs the question of what happened between the trial and the final fifteen to make them forget? hmmm

almond syrup imo, #omelas theory

the possible miracle chime ehhhh i know i wrote about this but im still like 50/50 on it... but it fits my theory (in the #feral domestic/final fifteen tag) so im rolling with it - i think there might be a chime and i think it might be a failed miracle to change the coffee

the metatron and crowley seeming to have some kind of history lmao anything in #metatron spec or indeed #the fall/the great war spec tags tbh

aziraphale's peculiar mannerisms im getting so lazy with these responses now 🦭 anon im so sorry, but again recently speculated in the #feral domestic/final fifteen meta tag

the way the conversation between aziraphale and the metatron is only reported and very strangely transitioned in and out of as above

the nothing to see here shooting of the kiss this one...

i know ng said it was a continuity error but. the time skip on the clocks ...and this one ive looked at in the #time-stop theory tag, and im the same - not trusting continuity error on this... not just yet

the something's up vibes of metatron. the general scheming and manipulativeness. the framing as the wizard of oz. the colour scheme and the dice on his tie. the sigh of relief in the elevator lol #metatron spec

the credits scene i haven't really gone into this in any detail and tbh idk if it needs it - i think it's pretty reflective of some stuff ive talked about in the #aziraphale meta and the #feral domestic/final fifteen meta tags

plus special mention: not technically in the episode but the distinctly ominous madonna/crucifixion promo photos aaaaaaaand this one is in the #mary/pieta spec tag

again 🦭 anon im really sorry it got a little lazy towards the end!!! but im very, very grateful that you put this all in a list, because ive definitely got some stuff in mind that id like to parse out!!! and as ever - more than happy to scream about things so pop on back if you feel the need to scream with me!!!✨

[lemonflowercat]

Dora Milaje

currently fighting off the urge to doomscroll - which is basically a metaphoric way to escape my reality which is too much sadness for me to bear atm. failure is hitting hard, PMS misery is hitting hard. I hate that I can't stick to goals I set up for myself, I hate how I can't seem to get myself to work on things that are actually in my best interest. and things that I actually enjoy doing but somehow I can't seem to? I know how all of these things make me happy, and yet I'm always self sabotaging and it's just...so much disappointment. me, disappointing myself, week after week, getting stuck in vicious cycles I can't seem to break, constantly battling self loathing and the impending doom of failure. I just <throws hands up in the air> I can't even just sit here and scream save me - because that's victim mentality, and I'm the only one who can help myself but ok buddy but what if I can't???

-----

back after finishing The Wildlings - 'twas a decent read, a little childish. i'll give it points for creativity - it was fun to pretend like i'm inside the minds of animals, and the overall premise was simple and engaging. the characters were very lovable but also slightly trope-y: powerful young protegee with no control over her powers, all-knowing heroine who dies in battle, curious mischief-maker, motherly warrior. it was a good light read overall.

after i was done with the book friends kept me company - it turned into a surprisingly social day - and although i wasn't exactly in the mood for it, and didn't go looking for it, in the end i'm glad it happened because it kept me from losing my mind.

new day, renewed determination, and possibly new perspective?

[] morning walk/run or yoga x6/w

[] evening wxo x6/w

i have to admit, my life is kinda too busy at the moment to really fit both of these in comfortably. if i'm really being honest with myself, i've taken on two physical activities because i feel like i need to justify eating 1400 cal vs the 1200 diet i was on before. the rational part of me is aware that, most sources say that 1200 is too little to maintain sustainably and it's too restrictive to contribute to building a healthy food relationship. but the irrational side of me is so focused on "lose fat asap" that it's often fear that's driving my choice to double wxo more than anything else.

apart from that, it actually really does feel good to clock in these two sessions. i love the post-walk/yoga clarity in the morning. the few hours i have studied in the past couple of days have been in this time. and my evening workouts are strength based - which i also love doing.

the logical thing to do does seem like skipping on one of these to free up more study hours, but i - and this is the part of me that just enjoys these talking - don't want to miss out on either. so, these stay. but remember my 80% = success rule? it's the fear of gaining weight part of me that makes missing out on these wxos weigh heavy on me, even if i've achieved that 80%. that's the part of me causing me all the misery the next day - and i want to hug it and say, bruh 80% is 80% ok? we don't do special priority goals in this game. --- i should name this part of me. the fat-phobic-part, she's the one who's borne the brunt of fat girl insults, cursing her body for not looking like society tells it to, binged till her stomach could burst and then stuck her fingers down her throat to purge her "sins". she's also the one who's stood up against fat shamers, whether the subject was me or a friend. she's been through so much hurt and self-hate and neglect, and she's just doing her best to protect me from having to deal with this all over again. i'd like to hug her and name her my Dora Milaje - not because i'm a Black Panther fan, but because the name is pretty and the idea of a fearsome female protector is v cool.

[] [] [] 1 raw veggie or a fruit per meal

this truly makes me happy, and i love how it's expanding my palate. i've actually begun to look through the salad section of restaurant menu more often now - but it's a whole other story that most of our usual hangouts don't do salads. i also actively look for more produce i can eat raw. i love this goal!

the "per meal" bit is kinda restrictive though, because i can't always fish out something for every meal. I do snack on a lot of fruit, so i'm just going to make it a point to do this for 3 random meals.

[] meditate x at least 15min every day

as much as i enjoy meditating, i haven't been doing this consistently enough mostly because i don't really know when exactly in my day to fit this in? my mornings seem rushed enough with the new morning wxo, making breakfast and being in a rush to start studying. my evenings are unpredictable. afternoons are dozy - but that does seem like my best option. ig i have to decide on a fixed time for this, so...post lunch nap is what i'll go with. it might even help with the afternoon slump that makes studying so abhorrent.

[] breathwork x9min every day ok so this is not really a me thing, is what i've realised. i'm switching this one out for brushing every night because, sadly, i've fallen out of the habit of doing so.

[] 30min of reading or any form of self-expression/day it breaks my heart to score this off, but then i tell myself i'm just being a drama queen because, if i really want to, i can carve out time for this at some point. it's getting kicked off the list because i have to prioritise right at this point, and i think it would be way more beneficial for me to add a study related goal.

since i prefer not-so-rigid structures, i've been thinking - what if make my goal "study 42 hours/w"? so it's up to me how any hours i net in a day, and if i finish these 42 hours with a day to spare in a week, well, that's a well earned break! i don't know how well this will pan out because my current study-avoidance runs deeper than just lack of motivation, and yeah - let's get into that in another post.

also, the afternoon slump is seriously affecting my productivity. i just have to make peace with it, and open up more hours for myself in the evening to get work done. i'm going to push my evening wxo time to 7 pm. that's right i've said it, Dora Milaje. she's the one who pushes me to get on the mat by 4 pm because she's scared i'll miss my workout if unexpected social plans come up in the evening (the "unexpected" is so often now, that they might as well be expected).

[] progress picture/day

i want to redefine what i mean by "progress picture" - until now, it was that typical mirror selfie of my body i was going with. but i've been thinking - is that really the progress i'm tracking? photographing my body in the hopes that i'll get to watch it transition into a societally deemed "pretty" is not the progress i'm looking for. it's about all the things on my vision board - which are an encapsulation of things that make me happy, things that push me to grow and teach me, and make my life feel like a fulfilled one. so anything i photograph (like the ones i've been sharing here so far), count as progress pictures to me.

[] 2.5L of water/day

easy enough again.

[] 1400cal x6/week well this is a tricky one.

my main challenge here is how often we eat out. it's this habit we've fallen into, honestly - come evening and there's always one of us who wants to eat out. or a friend to hang out with. or an incredibly busy, tiring day that makes cooking seem impossible. i kid you not, since 2024 has started, we've eaten dinner at home a grand total of 5 times so far.

there's also - why can't i eat out and still be in my calorie budget? - and i think this comes down to feni and dessert, because our usual haunts serve pretty homely food, save one.

it does seem like i have to make some pretty conscious choices here - to skip on the feni and desserts at least. and of course, eat home cooked dinners more often. this is honestly the hardest chain to break only for the first 3 days - once i get through day 3, it does become much easier.

with my daily TDEE being in the 1800-1900 range, 1400 is a decent intake. it keeps me energetic enough and a satisfied full.

[] no media consumption (one movie/d allowed)

this is gold. 4 days into PMS and the possibilities of satisfying ways to spend my time seem endless once i've deleted options that involve gluing myself to a screen. my brain hasn't felt like a sewer in the past 4 days!

so, 75 soft revamped - we start again tomorrow. a Monday. maybe third time's the charm?

[] morning walk/run or yoga x6/w

[] meditate x at least 15min every afternoon

[] study 42h/w

[] evening wxo x6/w

[] [] [] 1 raw veggie or a fruit x3 meals

[] 1400cal x6/week

[] progress picture/day x6/w

[] 2.5L of water/day

[] brush before bed

[] no media consumption (one movie/d allowed) - for freezes and PMS days

[narwhalandchill]

anyway uhh jokes and the mayhem aside i am. not looking forward to the eminent discourse and the hsr vs genshin situation flaring up again thanks to W + ratio incident.

(ensuing ramble dont mind me)

and like. for me im kinda like? idk not distraught enough to call myself torn or anything but it sure is a bit of a Huh moment to look at the way hsr operates w the community and all compared to genshin.

btw i have no like great morsels of wisdom here im just word vomiting some thoughts lmao

but like. logically (or should i say. rational- *GUNSHOT*) and purely from i guess the "hoyo" slash business pov. its 2 different games from different teams that belong to different genres and operate in vastly distinct environments in terms of like. competition and player retention. a turn based game like hsr isnt the kind of like. groundbreaking juggernaut that genshin was and is to this day (like. the famous "genshin killers" wya lmao). so to a certain extent at least its like. i can see how it affects this stuff i guess. genshin to this day hasnt felt the true pressure and need to care abt the community the way hsr is clearly angling more for.

but also imagine genuinely whiteknighting the genshin side of things to just settle for that excuse alone WDJWJKJWDKWD no fucking way 💀 like. that is Not the point im making at all. bc there comes a certain point where its just. yeah theres arguments to be made abt how the games differ and how hsr incentivizes pulling for and makes more new 5* charas and has no open world so needing to distribute f2p pulls thru other means is a must etc etc etc. but theres a point where that just falls flat.

and while i do agree the genshin community can strike up shitstorms that are more about outrage than anything substantial like. first anniversary with google classroom and all of that being a good example. but having Been there. while it was taken too far at points the reality of that saga always was about the cumulative community feeling hitting its breaking point. it was a lot of things accumulating and piling up in terms of frustration that led up to that 2.1 meltdown and honestly hoyo can only blame themselves. no need to relive that one too much my point just is that while for me (at least for now) im not feeling any of that like. deep hollow disappointment at realizing genshin will never truly beat (and arguably, i dont rly think its ever wanted to) the allegation of. the hsr team just being allowed much more freedom in terms of fostering goodwill w the community and stuff. i can still genuinely understand if this ratio thing for hsr ends up becoming another final straw for that feeling to rise up again for some genshin players. bc just like 2.1 this too is a cumulative thing. hsr is getting new gamemodes. constant massive QoL. freebies and limited-time events with permanent story and gameplay content. responding to and addressing tons of player complaints. genshin is... attempting some QoL? a tiny bit? like its just a whole situation.

and that feeling genuinely sucks. obviously dont attack random people like the cast or minor devs with no executive power or google classroom. or fuel this whole hsr vs genshin tribalism thats apparently athing. thats so stupid. fuck off. if i see another assassination attempt on dawei bc of hsr getting free fucking ratio i dont even know what to say 💀

but still its easy to be all "wow entitled terminally online gacha players" and yeah that can be true but i also dont like reducing all of that long term resentment from unaddressed complaints and issues and tiny disappointments accumulating over time for people who very much love genshin and want to be able to love it even more. to just like. haha greedy people want freebies. ofc hoyo doesnt owe us shit its a company and even with hsr this generosity shouldnt be turned into some parasocial "oh theyre on our side" thing. its just two games that want to make money. genshin and hsr both.

but it still sucks that theres such a discrepancy. and as long as ur not being toxic about how and when u express it i think that feeling is completely fair and valid. its not nice being passionate about a game and its potential while investing time and possibly money into it and still getting treated like shit year after year just bc genshin is still too successful to be forced into caring about us peasants lmao. venting and memeing and even sending appropriate complaints to hoyo are all fair game to me lmao. go wild

tho i will have to say that i do think the ultimate antidote to that feeling of disapppointment in particular imo still consists of touching grass like. its not good to be overtly attached to this stuff on an emotional level. i get why people would end up in that position esp given how genshin literally started during quarantine and was a massive source of comfort and joy in incredibly tough times for so many (myself included). but still. hoyo is simply not ur friend and ultimately its still just a couple of gacha games. finding other sources of happiness and comfort is v important. but being affected by this baseline isnt an individual failure or something wildly unreasonable at all.

for me im not too emotionally affected or anything but i cant deny this thing does have me thinking a good bit. as someone who naturally gravitates more towards genshins open world and its style of worldbuilding and aesthetic and its characters so even if i do enjoy hsr overall its just. a bit of a bitter taste u get in the mouth from all of this.

im not interested in discoursing on this or even like. protesting against hoyo particularly bc its clear that the genshin team has chosen its stance on the matter and i doubt another incident will really sway them much. the push will need to come from elsewhere if things are to ever change. im happy to get these freebies in hsr and i hope the game continues evolving and getting better bc it sure does have its flaws too. and the same for genshin. in a way a lot of the good in hsr is due to the hindsight 20/20 from genshins pitfalls and problems too (as well as arguably the literal sink or swim hsr faced from the poor reception to aspects of 1.0-1.3). unfortunately i doubt genshin would have the guts or be given the resources to retroactively address and fix those very same things in their own game. which is a shame.

anyway i dont have any particular point im going for with this i suppose i just wanted to get these silly thoughts off my chest. L + ratio to W + ratio was hilariously iconic and im still incredibly hype for all these things hsr has given us to look forward to even if the discrepancy with genshin does cast a shadow over this a bit. and i still love genshin and will keep playing it and keep hoping it can improve over time and get better. ultimately i care less about free ayaka at AR 42 becoming reality because "ratio hsr!!!1!1" than the devs genuinely investing the time and effort needed to make this game all the things it has the potential to be going forward. but im not holding my breath.

so yeah. if u stuck all the way with this whole situation u get a sticker. many thoughts in the head and you people following me are stuck with them im afraid JKJKDWJKWDJKDW

[theliterateape]

Grappling with What is Important: The World or the Personal?

by Don Hall

A few weeks ago I had to delay my car payment by a couple of days. Despite the (now) regular bi-monthly paycheck, I have some holes I dug myself in during the Summer of Disillusionment which need filling in with cash thus a bit of of financial balancing. On the app, the delay indicated a penalty of nearly double the payment owed and for five days it buzzed around my brain like a drone camera at a traffic stop with a young black driver.

This anomaly in my days was very important to me. No one else in the world (including CarMax) gave two shits about it. It was my thing, my trouble, my problem to solve. What wasn't important or pressing at the time was whether drag shows were grooming grade school children. Reading about Floridian Republicans frothing at the mouth to ban these sorts of bizarre shows (you have to admit that having a man dressed hyper-sexually as a cartoon woman teaching children to read is not quite the replacement to Sesame Street we envisioned) was a diversion but not a hill for me to die on. It was not an issue that connected as I don't have kids, haven't seen a drag show since Zombie Burlesque in Vegas two years ago (no kids present), and how was I going to afford a double car payment and still make the loan repayment to my friend?

Since the divorce, I've gained around fifteen pounds that stubbornly refuse to drop. Certain vests fit too tightly, my pants are a bit too snug, and, while I know exactly how to drop the weight, getting that very specific calorie in/calorie out ratio in practice has been challenging.

No one else on the entire planet cares if I drop fifteen pounds. No one. Anywhere. Joe Biden isn't holding court regarding Don Hall's waistline; no reporter on even the tiny Wichita television stations is mentioning it on the air on a Sunday evening. It is my issue to solve. You know what wasn't even a blip on my radar as I rationed the carbs vs protein and hit the gym? How to define the term 'woke.'

Over at the NYT, conservative columnist Ross Douthat attempts to define the term in the most generous terms:

"...all of this is necessarily a cultural and psychological project, which is why schools, media, pop culture and language itself are the essential battlegrounds. Yes, economic policy matters, but material arrangements are downstream of culture and psychology. The socialists have merely gentled capitalism, the environmentalists have merely regulated it. If you want to save the planet or end the rule of greed, you need a different kind of human being, not just a system that assumes racist patriarchal values and tries to put them on a leash.

You think this is too utopian? Consider a proof of concept, what we’ve already seen with gay rights. There the left overthrew a system of deep heteronormative oppression by establishing a new cultural consensus, in the academy and in pop culture and only at the end in politics and law, using argument but also shaming, social pressure and other “illiberal” means.

And look what we’ve learned: That once homophobia diminishes, millions upon millions of young people begin to define themselves as what they truly are, as some form of L.G.B.T.Q.+, slipping the shackles of heteronormativity at last. Which is why the backlash against the spread of transgender identification among kids must be defeated — because this is the beachhead, the proving ground for full emancipation.

If you find a lot of this narrative persuasive, even filtered through my conservative mind, then whatever “woke” describes, it probably describes you."

I describe myself as a classic liberal and find the extreme left to be fucking annoying but I do find his version of the narrative persuasive. Before I give too much of my attention to the utopian restructuring of society, how many calories does a boiled egg have?

The state of the climate with its ridiculous weather patterns and disastrous effects on everyone is a scud missile headed right now to destroy us all—not the planet but our continued ability to live upon it—but before I get into all that the tire light on my Prius is on and it's driving me nuts.

The government is dropping cash on too-big-to-fail banks like a drey horse on an all taco diet while ignoring the very needs of the working people scurrying around trying to afford their rent but hold that thought while I feel disempowered at work and I'm bathing in the addictive bath salts of self pity.

The generational divide in progressing society to a better place, in addressing the injustices of the world, is that when your mom still does your laundry and you haven't had enough life on this particular hellscape to feel genuinely cheated by the health insurance industry, the personal is pretty easy to ignore. Once some time has been served in the penitentiary of humanity, the personal becomes increasingly urgent like a bread crumb to a seagull.

College students and academics with tenure have all the time and mental space in the world focusing on the horrors of society. They get to coin phrases like 'systemic racism,' 'climate justice,' and 'the patriarchy' because the wait in line behind an old lady with a clutch full of coupons clipped from a newspaper slowly bleeding out has not become an existential crisis.

Who reasonably gives a fuck about disproportionate incarceration rates when someone smashed in their Honda window last night and stole their Duran Duran CDs and secret box of Newports they were hiding from their husband? Who has the bandwidth to spend five minutes on the dangers of algorithmic AI when they can't remember their Ticketmaster password? Who has the time to take their camera phone into a government building in order to get security to 'violate their rights' in order to put up a (hopefully) viral video of authoritarian overreach in the Omaha DMV but someone without a neighbor who lets his dog shit in their yard and, goddamnit, if I could only catch it in the act.

So pardon me if I wave off your impassioned cry that the Supreme Court has become a rightwing crossing guard because right now I'm dealing with the fact that I can't find the fob to my car and I'm late to pick up my dad who's getting out of dialysis in ten minutes and needs a ride home.

[siswritesyanderes]

This is a series of asks bc, while I do LIKE all the charas of Fantastic Beasts individually, much of the romantic pairings dont sit well with me. By that mean the messy love polygon w Newt & I think I finally figured out why & I'd like another's opinion on it. For starters, Newt's attraction with Tina is too fast for me considering he was friends w Leta, got expelled out of Hogwarts for Leta, carried Leta's photo in his case, & basically loved her for YEARS. But this is all undone by a [1]

jaunt in NY having met a woman, who he admittedly went on a huge adventure w, over the course of maybe a few weeks. He's so taken w her she replaces Leta's photo w her own &, after refusing to go to Paris for Dumbledore, leaves immediately once he finds out she's there. I just find this unbelievable. I can rationalize it from Newt's perspective where Tina is a fresh breeze sweeping into his life on (percieved) unrequited pining, but this is my conjecture based on my understanding of Newt. [2]

The audience shouldnt be left to rationalize endgame couple of the mc on their own. & the whole thing w Leta is so messily handled I dont think they can save it even if they bring her back in FB3. How she feels for Newt vs Theseus & unresolved lingering affection, etc. She & Newt were SO important to each other & we SEE that & they dont HAVE to get together, but they need proper resolution bc they have actual history between them. God Leta in general deserved so much better. [3]

But my main gripe is that this love polygon serves no purpose to what I believe is the main selling point of FB: the world. HP having love stories makes sense bc we're following the story of a boy as he goes through adolescence & his journey through that via school is part of that, which is why the romance feels fitting. It's a very personal story. FB on the otherhand is the best peak we have at the wider wizarding world beyond school. HP introduces the world of magic, but FB rlly expands it [4]

To that end Jakob & Queenie's relationship is the only one I find myself liking, bc it's deeply tied to the world setting, the series' biggest selling point (in my opinion, should have said this earlier). It underscores the attitudes of the period & the conflict they face feels suitably substantial & not like filler. There's a moral question between them of are they worth it? And how far should they go to be together?

Imma be real hear & say FB2 was rlly Queenie's movie & they should have been ballsy & just make Queenie the mc for FB2, bc her story was actually considerably more important to the overall development of the story than Newt's, which mostly came off as a rushed & a tad clichè soap drama. & making it about Queenie I think builds more room for good conflict & independent narrative for Tina that would serve her chara better. [5? 6?]

If I bad to be REAL ballsy, I'd say my big issue w/ the relationships in the FB series & how it enhances or impedes the main story & what I believe to be it's biggest attracter (the setting) could have been solved if they made Newt's romantic interest a muggle. It attaches a deeper meaning & relevance to them & the story so it felt more deeply that they truly moved WITH the narrative rather than beside it but I guess Im just picky. Thx for putting up w this! [Final]

(My response below the cut.)

Yeah, pretty much all of this is right.

Regarding the Tina thing, it was definitely rushed, especially since there was literally nothing romantic between them in the whole first movie, except maybe the end part where they're stumbling over their words. Despite knowing how movies work and knowing that they were the male and female lead, I still found that completely out of left field, because they don't really share any interests and I didn't feel like they felt anything in particular for each other before that. She really wants to be an auror and feels really intensely about it; he just wants to travel the world and write about magical creatures and take care of them. I don't see a lot of compatibility there, and the movie didn't really do anything to reconcile that gap.

Jacob and Queenie made sense, because they actually sowed some seeds for it. It's not even about the fact that they both like to cook; they showed an interest in each other throughout. They noticeably like each other. Newt and Tina never really had that, to me, so it was bizarre for her to become his primary motivation in the second movie.

Queenie's trajectory in movie 2 overall bothers me, so while I agree it would have been better if they'd centered it more around her, I definitely think they needed to drastically rewrite pretty much everything she did. Enchanting Jacob at the beginning never sat well with me; I usually only have to say this in the Descendants fandom, but if one half of the ship is magical and the other half isn't, we can't have the magical one enchanting the non-magical one for romantic reasons without addressing what a violation of trust that is. Like, Jacob would be justified for never trusting her again, over that. Also, the fact that she apparently holds it against people if they think bad things about her is not something I would expect from someone who has been a Legilimens as long as she has, and not a detail I like, at all. Especially since it was used to give her justification to be mad at Jacob after she enchanted him in the first place. I find it sad, because Queenie was definitely my favorite character in the first movie. (Also, joining Grindelwald was a nonsensical thing to do. I can only assume she's there to spy on him or something, because it makes literally no sense.)

As for Leta, I really don't like how that was approached. First of all, I don't like how their mention of her in the first movie was "She was a taker; you need a giver," because once we actually met the character, that only made me resent Queenie for representing her that way. Leta deserved better in pretty much every way, and they definitely shouldn't have killed her off like that. I find the whole situation really iffy from a racial standpoint. The first black character to be written three-dimensionally in all of HP lore, and they make sure to preemptively tell the audience that she's a "taker", kill her in the same movie we meet her, and manage to trivialize her death by turning it into a little "Who was she saying 'I love you' to?" mystery. I like her relationship with Newt and Theseus, and I'd definitely want to see more of it.

Yes, it definitely would have been better, thematically, if they'd made the love interest a Muggle. (I'd honestly say they should've paired Newt with Jacob, but I know they're unwilling to do that. That would be kind of cool, though, to see the movie shaping up with two male characters and two female characters and have the men end up with each other and the women just live their lives as humans.)

With the story they ended up telling, though, I don't think that is needed; since Queenie is already dealing with the wizard/Muggle storyline, Newt could have a different conflict. Maybe his love interest should be a werewolf or something, to tie in the wizarding world's unresolved dislike for "half-breeds". And if he were in a relationship with someone already regarded as a creature, the wider wizarding world might take a different view to his studies and look down on him a lot more. Idk, a thought.

And then, with Leta/Theseus and Grindelwald/Dumbledore (if they were willing to actually deal with that), they'd pretty much hit every controversial beat they've got: wizard/Muggle, wizard/"half-breed", interracial, homosexual. Credence and Nagini are both creatures, kind of, but I still like them together, so their relationship doesn't have to tie into any theme; it just has to be developed way more.

On the whole, Crimes of Grindelwald felt like they skipped a movie. It feels like they needed a middle installment to make these relationships happen, instead of jumping from "Do Newt and Tina maybe have feelings for each other?" to "Newt loves Tina and Tina is possessive enough of Newt to be outwardly upset with him when she thinks he's engaged to someone else," and creating a whole relationship between Credence and Nagini that we see none of.

The fact that Queenie and Jacob were done well in the first movie gives me a fair amount of goodwill for them, but that goodwill only offers enough cushioning from the botching that movie 2 did that I'm near-indifferent to the ship, now, instead of actively opposed. I'd like to see things improved, but as it currently stands, I'd be just as happy seeing them end up not together as together. The fact that Leta's relationships with Newt and Theseus were more interesting than any of the aforementioned makes it that much more ridiculous that they killed her. What ship am I supposed to care about how? If I can't go into the next movie delusionally hoping Newt and Leta will get some moments, or enjoying the Theseus and Leta content, then I'll just be sitting there waiting for Credence and Nagini to share a screen, and who knows when that'll happen?

[thevirgodoll]

How to get over someone when they are the only person around and you are literally lonely and alone without theirs presence? Or just how to not tie my happiness with a person? I’m really not doing good

It’s actually not as bad as you think to depend on yourself. Being self reliant means you can depend on yourself and as a result, other people will find you more pleasing to be around.

You have to become comfortable in your own skin and learn how to stop being emotionally dependent. If you’ve been in codependent relationships and friendships, this may be why you have thought 100% reliance on another person was healthy.

No friend or partner should complete you. You are a complete person with complete attributes, and so is another person. They should simply add to your life. That is it.

It’s not good to rely on another person for guidance, reassurance, and clarification all of the time. Doing so objectifies them and makes them a tool that can fix your every problem.

1. You are responsible for your own feelings.

No one else is responsible for what you feel. You have to take accountability. It’s not anyone’s job to serve happiness to you on a platter.

Letting someone else’s actions control your every mood is a recipe for disaster. It can make one thing the other person does ruin your entire day. You’re giving your power to another person, and this will follow you in every friendship and relationship if you do not take accountability for your own problems.

2. You are responsible for your own growth.

A marker of growth is introspection. The ability to self reflect is crucial to your growth, and if you are looking to other people to validate everything for you, you may never get where you want to go. You have to discover yourself on your own terms, and by feeding into another person, you don’t have time for yourself.

You’re the only you you’ll ever have, so to waste time projecting your desires and dreams onto someone else is futile. Other people have their own needs to fulfill. You have to reframe your relationship with other people and yourself. The expectations you have created with other people is quite unrealistic, because it’s not another person’s job to be everything for you.

3. People don’t owe you everything.

You have to learn that we aren’t inherently owed anything in life. People don’t owe you a response when you deem fit, for example. They have their own lives, and you have yours as well.

On another note, people change, and can become incompatible. No one inherently owes you anything, except respect and decency.

You have to be appreciative of things and people in your life and understand that every moment is valuable. This appreciation should never morph into idolization.

You have to learn to look inward for solutions, because you know yourself best. Over time, you should know how to solve your own problems, and you should know to look at yourself first.

Blaming other people will never lead you to a positive outcome, because you’ll be waiting for them to give you the perfect solution. Instead of waiting for someone else to show up for you, you have to show up for yourself and validate yourself.

4. Loving yourself is not a waste of time.

A waste of time is worrying about everyone else and what they’re doing. Most people are too busy with their own lives. You do not want to be emotionally dependent for the rest of your life, because you do not love yourself enough. By being emotionally dependent, your needs aren’t met and you fail to meet them as well.

You need to practice these things:

•understanding your needs and how you can meet them

•pampering yourself

•inspiring yourself

•embracing solitude and embracing self reflection

•allowing yourself to be vulnerable with yourself, free of judgment

•be compassionate with yourself

•know the difference between realistic desires and unrealistic desires

•learn to recognize infatuation versus genuine attraction

•learn to recognize fear of abandonment

•practice shifting your focus away from things you truly do not need

5. Let go of your need to control others.

Recognize that it’s okay to be angry with what has happened, but there is nothing you can truly do. You can either do something reasonable within limits to improve the situation, or you can accept it for how it is. Your need to control others can limit your requirement to take better care of yourself. Which leads me to

6. Take other people off of pedestals.

Looking at people from a view of idolization can do more harm than anything else.

Change your thought processes.

•”My problems aren’t as important” vs. “My problems are equally as important as theirs”

•”This person is probably always right so I’m wrong” vs. “This person is like me, sometimes right and sometimes wrong.”

•”I am nothing without this person” vs. “They add something enjoyable to my life, but I believe in myself and I trust myself. If they leave, I will be okay with myself.”

Avoid idealizing anyone to a savior extent. Nobody is your savior, nobody needs to save you. Think of Cinderella by the Cheetah Girls.

You are rescuing yourself, you are making yourself the best you can. If you idealize someone, you escape reality, and that is something we cannot do. Wishful thinking sometimes can hurt you. The more you can do for yourself, the less you need others to do things for you - it’s more so an addition to your life.

If you find yourself interested in someone who shows little interest, engaging with someone who is emotionally distant, holding out hope for your idealization of who they are but they haven’t changed, or that you’re the only one doing anything for the dynamic, then you have to acknowledge the truth and take accountability. Let everyone be responsible for themselves rather than you taking responsibility for someone else. Don’t think in black or white and all or nothing thinking such as “If I don’t get what I want from them life is meaningless” just because of one person. You have to regard yourself higher than that.

You have to be determined in order to develop self reliance. It takes time.

Your job is to now:

•find things that make you feel good in life - new hobbies and activities

•accept that alone time is a normal part of life, and embrace it

•reframe your negative relationship with yourself

•learn to stop creating unrealistic expectations in your head of other people that cause you to need extreme amounts of reassurance and validation

•practice thinking rationally instead of extremes... “He/she broke up with me because I’m ugly...” versus “We broke up because it wasn’t meant to be. Now, I can work on myself and so can he/she”

•make a list of progress that you’re making, make a list of goals you want to achieve for yourself, make a list of things you want to change

Eventually, you will be so busy with yourself, you won’t have time to entertain ideas of “happiness being another person”. Cut out all ideas of this person, and let them live their life. Let go of any refusals to be happy. You have to tell yourself you’re going to do your best in spite of what may be happening. Go through my confidence tag and let yourself live! Be gentle, be kind, and know that it takes time, but it will be worth it.

[zhansww]

I’ve been wondering how exactly the misunderstanding of my last rambling post came to be and I think it’s cuz of one of two things; cuz I didn’t make it clear what I consider the word “queer” to mean or cuz I didn’t make it clear that the post itself was my own, subjective opinion. I’m not sure how consistent I’ve been with tagging it but I kinda differentiate between (what I think are) rational opinions I have vs emotional ones. The latter ones are obviously subjective and should not be taken as me, lecturing anyone or implying that everyone should feel the same. You either share the same sentiment or you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with it either way. And if my words in those posts seem hostile/condescending, it’s cuz I don’t feel the need to censor any of my subjective views/feelings. What I do think is important and what I try to pay attention to is not to let the negative emotions that certain things evoke in me control my actions. When I see something that I disapprove of in any way, I don’t hijack that post or report it. If my emotional reaction is particular strong, I’ll vent about it in my own post, not theirs. I considered this to be the decent thing to do but I’ve been told by at least one kind, respectful and open-minded person that I am actively making people’s lives worse with those posts, that my words are violent and that my behavior is that of an “unhinged monster” (the irony here is not lost on me). So I’ve been reflecting and I think the next time I feel a particular strong, negative emotion that makes me want to vent, I’ll put a disclaimer beforehand. And now, let me just actually clarify what my point was of that post. I believe that yz is real so I obviously do not assume they are straight. If they are indeed together, then they are queer - i.e. not straight - but that’s literally it. I have no theories or thoughts about what their specific orientation might be and I won’t ever speculate about that either. I wouldn’t mind knowing but unfortunately, they can’t be openly together right now but when they someday are, they’ll hopefully also feel safe and loved enough to share something like that with us. I know for a fact that figuring out your sexuality is a confusing and intimate process which is why I am opposed to speculating about it. I consider it to be too intrusive. But again; that is my subjective opinion based on my own experiences. I do not expect everyone to share this sentiment. One person said that I should expect such speculation and that might be true, maybe I should expect it but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Seeing certain bxg get mad at solos for assuming yz are straight but then turn around and assume they are [insert any specific sexuality except het] is hypocritical and disappointing in my opinion. I think it’s perfectly fine to have such emotional opinions as long as you don’t let those emotions cloud your judgement and lead to you, reacting in a way that is unreasonable and possibly harmful. I also think that everyone should be willing to have their rational opinions questioned but when it comes to an emotional opinion, it doesn’t have to make sense and it’s probably not gonna change either. To give another example; I hk disapprove of yz r/p/f. And that’s not me, saying it is inherently wrong and that no one should do it. In fact, you could try to make a case about how I should like it and approve of it but it wouldn’t make me change my mind precisely because this opinion is not based on logic but just on emotion. And again, as long my emotional reaction to something doesn’t lead to unreasonable actions, then the emotion itself is alright to have. And like I already said, I thought it was okay to vent those emotions in my safe space but apparently, it isn’t. No one should take those posts personally or like I’m talking to them or lecturing them. I thought that this was all obvious but since I got told otherwise, I will be more concise from now on.

You know, when someone starts a “discussion” by insulting you (implicitly or not), that’s usually a clear sign that they’re not even trying to understand you. I’ve seen at least one person reblog the reblogs and seemingly take some kind of vicious pleasure in seeing someone else sh-t on me. Something like that leads me to think that they already had a negative impression of me to begin with which is why their minds gladly misunderstood me and jumped to the worst possible conclusion. They also all seemed to either ignore my explanations or seemed intent on misunderstanding me, no matter what. To be clear, I don’t blame them entirely for it because I could have expressed my point better but for them to immediately think their misunderstanding is the right one - instead of asking me to explain myself perhaps - is also wrong. Mind you, I don’t expect those people to see or care about this post. The main reason I’m trying to clarify myself is for myself. I said I’ll try to be more concise in expressing my views (regardless of whether it’s a subjective one or not) from now on and I thought I should let this be the start of that. There was one reply in particular that ... affected me a lot harder than I thought anything could. I think it’s cuz my depression already makes me feel like I’m a waste of space 24/7. One thing I take comfort in, though, is the fact that, at the very least, the only one who’s hurting because of it is me, no one else. At least I don’t hurt others. But I got told otherwise. I got called an unhinged monster. The unhinged part is true but also being a monster... it made me feel like I’m less than a waste of space. Like, let’s say if normal people always feel like a 1, I always feel like a 0. Getting insulted like that made me feel like a -1. Instead of feeling like a read newspaper, that’s just waiting to get thrown in the trash, that insult made me feel like I’m the asbestos in the house, something that is actively harmful and you need to get rid of. Does that make sense? Anyway... I engaged in “discussions” despite my better judgement and now, I have to pay the price for it so I also decided that I won’t do that again. Hopefully, there won’t even be any more misunderstandings but if there are and someone hijacks my posts and insults and/or willfully misunderstands me, I will just block them. For my own sanity. And for the record, if there’s something in this or any of my subjective/emotional posts that can be misunderstood, that I didn’t make clear enough; please feel free to ask me about it. Please don’t immediately think the worst of me. And when it comes to my more objective/rational opinions, I am always open for discussions as long as we can remain respectful throughout.

I would also like to express my gratitude to anyone who reached out. I’m not sure if the damage can be undone to be honest (it doesn’t feel like it right now) but anyone who offered words of advice, understanding, support or kindness helped soften it. I cannot express how grateful and appreciative I am for it all, any replies or private messages. You helped make me feel less shitty and I thank you so so much. I’m definitely gonna save all the mental health advice cuz I really did not know how to deal with that overwhelming desire to... stop existing in that moment and I want to keep it in mind if (or when) I get affected this badly by something again. I intend to also reply to the messages privately ofc but for now, please accept all of my love and gratitude~

I’m gonna put the rest - which is more personal - under a cut and also tw cuz I’ll elaborate on my mental health/depression. This isn’t exactly something I want to share tbh but I think I shouldn’t shy away from it either. And I feel like I need to explain myself, just for anyone who cares to know.

—

If you compare life to walking on a path, then I at some point - I don’t even remember when - stopped walking and starting digging a hole for myself. It musta been years ago. Right now, that hole is so deep that I have no idea how to get out of it on my own, much less how to move forward. I think I always knew that there must be something wrong with me mentally. This isn’t something that is being talked about in my family, though, so I never extensively thought about it. Not until earlier this year, when my sister told me that she thinks I’m sick and I should see a therapist. My immediate reaction was to reject the idea but I really couldn’t do that for long. As of right now, I have been tentatively diagnosed (not sure if that’s what you call it in English) with depression but I haven’t actually found a permanent therapist and therefore also not started therapy yet. I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me and this not-knowing makes it somehow worse. I haven’t been properly functioning for the past two days - ever since I got called unhinged monster - cuz those words are burned into my brain by now and keep repeating themselves. It feels like my mind was given another weapon to slowly k-ll me with. It keeps reminding me that that’s what I am and then I start trembling and my breathing gets weird and it’s harder than usual for me to distract myself. And this is all so overwhelming for me, I have truly no idea how to deal with any of it. I don’t even know if I named it right, if it really is called a “depressive episode”. I’m hoping I’ll get to find out what exactly is wrong with me and how I can cope with it once I find a therapist. My lack of knowledge regarding what I myself am going through makes it all very confusing and difficult. Another reason why I kind of organized my thoughts and wrote them all down here is cuz I hope it will help me somehow, make my mind stop letting those really bad thoughts in. But in that moment when I felt especially f-cked up, any words of advice or kindness helped. I hope everyone who reached out knows that. Just... thank you. So damn much.

[conservativetranny]

2020 blog update

Hello. No idea if any of you ‘remember’ me but I do seem to have a fair few followers on here. I managed to access the login information for this account and it is safe to say this blog is dead. I denounce everything I stood for on this stupid shit. 

I’m writing this because it’s what the blog deserves. Not looking to be dramatic, not looking for sympathy, in fact I think i’ll get a bit of backlash for this but bring it on. 

The past and the present- a summary

I had this blog when I was 14, unfortunately way too young to have a social media presence (one which carried any responsibility like this one anyway). No matter what age I said I was, no matter how I portrayed myself or how you, my followers interpreted me, I was a sad young trans guy desperately hoping to look big, cool, masculine and stoic, and that manifested in the most toxic way possible. 

I’m 17 now, still very very young, and after developments in my life, especially pursuing my medical transition and becoming happy within myself, I no longer hold such toxic beliefs as I once did. I am happier with myself and no longer feel the need to sacrifice others��� dignity, respect, and unfortunately sometimes on this blog, privacy, for my own. I was a very insecure, stubborn, and ignorant teenager, who dealt with a lot of denial. I’m not blaming the way I treated people online on other factors, but of course external factors came into play. I was dealing with bullying and insecurity, with parental problems, and with loneliness and depression. I seeked some sort of community, and I wanted to push myself away from the ‘weak’ trans community (the way I viewed it at the time). I wasn’t in denial personally, with the fact that I was trans (being gay is a different story- I was in complete denial with the fact that I’m gay), more just with the way other people viewed me (I will expand on this). I could elaborate on the way in which I viewed other people and the way that projected onto my conduction online, but it is a complex and confusing story. I have completely changed my viewpoint on trans ‘discourse’, I am open minded, I am close friends with people I would have turned my ignorant nose up at years ago. I am so proud to say that I am a completely different person now. I grow every day, it seems, and I can assure that I will never return to this ignorant mindset.

Growth

With experience, I have grown too. Obviously, from 14-17 i have become more mature. I have different experiences now as well, for example, I don’t bind often at all really anymore, because its more comfortable and can sometimes make me more dysphoric to know I am binding. I’m bringing this up because I bet you back when I was active on this blog, I would’ve laughed at the more mature, tolerant me, and probably went on a tyrade about how I was a fake trans guy or less of a man for not binding. I often wonder what ‘old me’ would think of ‘new me’. Now obviously, three years isn’t a hell of a big difference, but to a 17 come 18 year old it is. I understand I am not an adult yet, but I’ve always taken pride in conducting myself with a sense of maturity and articulacy, and for this post and platform especially I feel it is appropriate.

The Truscum Mindset

Back when I ran this blog, I was in an echo chamber of like minded people, which didn’t help my ideological development. I watched youtubers like Blaire White and Kalvin Garrah, who I thought gave me a balanced, moderate, and fair opinion which is clear is not the case. Back then I would’ve scoffed at the idea of Blaire and Kalvin and other similar people as being radical or a gateway, but I urge you, if you feel you are slipping to obsession with those ideologies, to seek to widen your opinions and associations. I understand it’s a fairly niche discourse topic, but for me it opened a wider rabbit hole into the alt right. From wanting to fit into the lgbt and wider communities as a masculine male, this opened up the black hole of the alt right, I browsed (now deleted) subreddits and 4chan boards, and forums that put me in a very negative and dangerous place. If you’d like me to make a post elaborating on this, I am more than happy to, but this post is to address conservativetranny.

Denial and owning up to responsibility

Back in 2017/18, I was very much in denial of certain aspects of myself, especially my sexuality. I am gay. I thought that this was, and especially as a trans guy, a demasculating quality. I still deal with those feelings sometimes, as a lot of young gay guys do, but thankfully it does not manifest itself as toxic as it once did. I just wanted to portray myself online as how I thought I wanted to be viewed-I didn’t want to be viewed like ‘any other trans guy’. I wanted to be different, but now I can appreciate individuality and I can also embrace being trans as well.

I used to think that having alt views was the coolest thing ever, which contributed to my slip into the alt right, something on which I’ll elaborate on in later posts. I am now an advocate for deradicalisation, and being rational, truly rational. I’m also an advocate for maturity and owning up to your mistakes.

I have hurt people, especially in my personal life, throughout my time as a stupid, thoughtless immature teenager and i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for that. I now respect the hell out of those people and unfortunately, but definitely rightfully so, they have lost their respect for me. I don’t blame them, because as I said, up until very recently I was a horrible, toxic person. With maturity, in the past half a year I have been able to own up to my mistakes and I am now taking responsibility for that. No excuses, because I was a shitty person. Of course there is a line between excuses and justification, and I hope those which are reading this can distinguish and appreciate this difference.

Self Hatred and Truscum

Back when I ran this blog, it was very easy to tell I was self hating. Everything I wrote on here, pretty much, was hateful except for the odd two posts that were about something unrelated to my ideology. I was extremely dysphoric and in a bad place when I wrote these things and certainly projected my insecurities onto others. I wanted to find a community of different thinking people that would accept me, and this community was certainly the wrong turn. I had a feeling that it was wrong at the time, but I was too naive and cowardly to own up to it and seek a way out. I kind of just naturally fell out of it, a a lot of things happened in my personal life in late 2018 that forced me out of trans discourse and into much more toxic places like the alt right and true crime fandoms, and I think I’ve only recently ‘found myself’ in the past year or so. I might make a post on self growth on the future as I intend to keep this blog to elaborate and voice my opinions on deradicalisation and highlight the importance of owning up and self awareness.

Don’t fall into the rabbithole

I’m not too acquainted with trans discourse anymore, so I’m out of the loop on this one, but I’d imagine that there’s still ‘transmed vs tucute’ ideas. Kalvin Garrah’s community comes to mind, I haven’t watched his videos ‘as a fan’, if that makes sense, for a while now but I am aware he has a large fanbase of young trans teens that were in a similar mindset to where I was back when I ran this blog. I would love for this post to reach his opposers and supporters for that matter, as a means to show them that they don’t have to fall into this cycle of hate which can be very damaging. I used to be an avid fan of Kalvin, and Blaire White, amongst others. I watched exclusively their content alone and formed my opinions around theirs. If you’re doing that now, I urge you to consider other people when you do. Think about the people like Brennan Beckwith, people who were severely impacted and hurt by hateful rhetoric. Those people are human too, and with maturity you will learn that people with different experiences and views are, at the end of the day, the same as you, and they have feelings as well .I’m going to make a post in the future about Kalvin Garrah, certainly, but maybe Blaire White as well.

Why now?

You may be wondering why this post is being made now of all times, and that is a question that has every right to be asked. I feel as if this timing is right because I finally possess the level of maturity needed to own up to my mistakes and tell you that I was wrong and it was certainly wrong to post those opinions and mistakes online for all to see, and put people in my real life on blast like I did.

I had completely forgotten about this blog, and forgot about the rude and ignorant words I had written towards the people in my real life, until chance had it that I was in contact with one of the people mentioned in this post. [https://conservativetranny.tumblr.com/post/169351517511/no-one-pretends-to-be-trans]

I’m not going to go into the nuances of the conversation we had, but it turns out they had, for a while and definitely rightfully so been hurt by the fact that I had mentioned them, by name, in this post. And while I’d of course still like to keep these people anonymous and will not sacrifice their anonymity in order to tell a story or ‘save myself’, this post is quite funny to read back on as I am good friends with the people referred to as ‘P’ and ‘Shadow’ now.

This is the end of this post, as I feel I have said everything I have wanted to say regarding my previous conduct on this blog. I’m going to change my name on this blog and my bio as I do intend on further posts in the future. I’m not sure how many people, if any, this post will reach, but I’m satisfied I have written this anyway. I certainly do plan on writing future posts but I’m not exactly sure how to formulate them. But thank you so much for reading this far, and if you have, I appreciate it.

[utilitycaster]

@geekwiththeglasses sorry to turn what was probably a comment you were just making very normally on my post on why I like Beau’s arc as is into a wholly unasked for diatribe on my Grand Unified Theory of Fandom Discourse but I saw the comment during some downtime at work and had thoughts and also a long drive home during which they could percolate. Feel free to ignore because it’s long and only sort of responds what you’re saying, but I wanted to post it and credit you for sparking that thought.

(also just for anyone else reading this is under a cut because it’s very long, but also, spoilers for both CR campaigns).

Anyway, put simply: People like what they like, they don’t like what they don’t like, and will come up with rationalizations for why they are correct in liking or disliking something that they already liked or disliked for much more basic reasons. I fully include myself as guilty of this but anyway we’re all dealing with a different internal ruleset for what is “correct” to like, disagreement is inevitable, and that’s okay.

So: I like Fjord. I like paladins. I like vengeance plots. I like boats, which is a thing I did not realize was a thing I liked in rpgs until I looked at characters I was really enjoying and was like hmm whole lot of sailors in here. I like charisma casters and swords and the trope of What You Are In The Dark and people realizing they’re way in over their head and having to do the hard work to get out of it. So like, this is in general a plot that is going to appeal to me, and I have biases in that direction.

With that said I don’t see how it’s not integrated into the overall plot? To be fair this reminds me of a lot of things I’ve said, about how CR has always been a character game vs. TAZ which was much more clearly a story one. Actual play, especially with a fairly open world and especially truly live/unedited actual play, ends up having to be a character game by default because you’ve deliberately introduced a random element that you cannot cover up; you’re going to get unexpected deaths and victories that don’t totally seem earned. Which is something I think is a feature, not a bug; if I wanted something to fit a particular narrative there’s countless movies and books and TV shows that will do that.

But back to the idea of plot: The Mighty Nein is a group of seven people and they all have things going on; in Fjord’s story, this is the normal narrative: make a deal with an unknown being in a desperate moment, slowly learn about this being, eventually learn just how high the price is, reconsider, get punished, reject that being, find a new path, the being you betrayed is now your mortal enemy and will continue to be so until it gets what it wants or you kill it. This is a very straightforward redemption arc. It’s just that Fjord isn’t alone, and those encounters with the enemy he betrayed happen to occur while all of the group is on a boat going somewhere else.

The thing it’s this is how the vast majority of arcs are. In the middle of chasing down Yasha and the Angel of Irons cult the party went into an extraplanar space (from an item that popped up randomly thanks to a stowaway that happened in the middle of the pirate arc) to save Yussa, with absolutely no knowledge that said action would end up tying back into the Angel of Irons. And even then, there were clear points within that space where Caleb and Veth’s stories were the ones being served, rather than the party’s search for the Angel of Irons.

When do we decide something is integrated or not? Vax had his promise to the Raven Queen and the subsequent story of that  interrupt the Chroma Conclave; while Vax is a fictional person I bet Vax would consider it a disruption. We split long-running actual play games into arcs, because it’s hard to refer to things otherwise, but life and stories are rarely just a series of tasks we complete and learn from and then are finished with, and “integrated” ends up meaning less “does it make sense from what has happened already, even if it’s not narratively pat” and more “is it what the viewer wants”, (ie, is it narratively pat).

I would also argue that Percy’s arc wasn’t any more or less integrated into the plot than anyone else’s. It was self-contained, because the story it was telling was about specific people who corrupted a specific space, (we can say the same about the Travelercon arc being about specific people in a specific space) but even then it wasn’t really. Ripley popped up when the party was chasing down leads for a vestige in Ank’Harel, and the Briarwoods ended up resurfacing for the final arc with Vecna. I mean, Percy himself told Vox Machina prior to everything going down they didn’t need to get involved! It’s not like the Chroma Conclave, when dragons attacked the party’s home! It was a choice! The party could have said “you know what? We’ll deal with the Briarwoods in Emon, but we’re not going to Whitestone.” But of course they didn’t, because what is D&D if not a story about found family, and what is a found family if you’re not part of each others’ stories?

Anyway the point is no one needs to have a logical reason why they’re frustrated by one character’s arc, or wish they had more content about another character, or like or don’t like certain characters/ships/plotlines, and honestly I find a lot of reasons people come up with involve twisting canon (the ruleset for ‘correct’ I tend to use) or cherrypicking or even just having wildly different interpretations of material to make that choice somehow justified when you are allowed to just...have preferences. Like people are allowed to just be tired of Fjord because it’s not what they want to watch right now, and that’s fine! I don’t agree, but I don’t think they’re wrong for having different preferences!

It also means that if someone comes into my inbox and gives a reason for why their dislike is valid and I don’t find the reason valid within canon, I’m going to dispute it because I’m generally argumentative and contrarian and pedantic and so on, but none of this changes the fact that they’re still allowed to dislike the thing and my opinion ultimately doesn’t matter.

[sir-huffman]

tagged by: @songzhong​ (hello, here’s a wall of text, and I enjoyed reading about you Mao!) tagging: @you on the dash - aka you see this you’re tagged.

———  BASICS!​

Name: Duke ( any pronouns, but most use masculine  )

Face Claims:       - Itsuki Kamiyama from GOTH (professional like above)       - Suga from Night of Drizzling Rain (general)

———  THREE  FACTS!

1) I am an ISTJ and a Taurus...so take that what you will. I’d like to say I’m friendly, but tend to put a very large wall (of text) up so people know what they’re getting into with me and to give an explanation for my actions...as such I am very introverted and only have so much energy for interaction. This leaves me seldom to contact people in the RPC unless I have a specific idea in mind for our muses...which honestly I never do. The best is for me to just chuck a meme at people and see how our muses vibe. After that, well uh...yeah. I’m one of those RPers who have more people I interact IC than OOC cuz OOC interaction takes a lot out of me unless we somehow vibe well.

And by vibe well, I mean our muses generally interact well and aren’t apathetic towards each other. There are so many muns that I respect and consider friends and admire from afar, but we’re not close due to just our muses just not vibing as well as others (which is totes fine it’s just how things sometimes go, ya know?).

( you’ll find that I write a lot hence the read more )

2) I am very stubborn and have a little bit of tunnel vision in my own HCs and world crafting. My muses tend to be people who hold an authoritative and demanding presence where their opinions are stated as truth...which is the complete opposite of my own personality. But I’ve learned that I have to kinda draw my lines and I feel like I can probably give people whiplash between my timid and nervous nature and when it comes to defining my muses. Honestly I’m just very flexible with molding my muses to help fit for interaction, but I do have hard lines and like to make it clear if I’m bending my characters vs how they would naturally act...I tend to make my muses push overs unless I’m like 100% comfy...and even them I make them push overs...hence the amount of my crack threads because I have no sense control and just wanna have fun...with my tight assed muses.

3) That said...I’m just a meme. My main reputation is just being that one mun who RPs a Team Rocket OC with 6 Magikarps. But I truly just have two sides. The very crackish side where (1) I’ll just throw our muses in ridiculous situations and (2) the very angst heavy side that usually only talked about due to my muses handling trauma and very apathetic and nonchalant towards breaking hearts. And as I write this out I feel like I’m giving people whiplash on whoever is reading this since they see Huffman here and is like “oh, how cute what a soft boy” and then I bring up Morax who is just a monstrosity of a muse where I’m toning him down 99% of the time because...well...(*looks at hands*) he’ll end up killing a muse 99% of the time if I don’t stop him and that isn’t fun to RP.

———  EXPERIENCE!

My first experience in RPing in general was on an old website called TinierMe and also a mobile app called VampiresLIVE (lol). However I officially started RPing on Tumblr in 2014 as a Gijinka!Groudon blog originally known as theruleroftheland. After that I’ve slowly branched out of the Pokemon RPC but hold a strong connection with the friends I’ve made there (or kinda, I’m horrible at keeping contact with others since I disappear for months/years at a time). But I’ve found I’m most comfortable writing on tumblr due to the amount of formatting and organization that comes with RPing on here.

I’m slowly branching out to Discord (thank you to my dear RP partners over there who are patient with me because I’m slow) and becoming more accustom with being social over there.

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE!

Gender: 100% male to RP as. I find that I gravitate towards males since I have disconnection with male muses from myself and I like having that wall. Writing females get a little too personal for my own comfort so having that extra layer of distance really helps. Also it helps me look at things differently.

Multi or Single: 

I prefer single-muse blogs to run as I like keeping things strictly relating to my muse on one blog and another muse on another. Over the years I’ve been interested in throwing my old muses onto a multi-muse blog but honestly I can never bring myself making a multi-fandom multi-muse blog due to my own heavy need for organization.

As for shipping, I work under what I call a Quasi-Single shipping (aka multi- and single- ship). I operate under the impression that my muses are in an overarching timeline of their life that is heavily affected by their relationships. As such the MULTISHIP aspect is prone to have cheating and relationship overlap. I’m into having muses naturally engage in threesomes, foursomes, lying, cheating, misunderstandings, fights, break ups, get back togethers, etc. with all muses and muns participating together in the joy of it all. Jealousy and questioning of my muses’ relationships and actions are welcomed as I like having the sense that my muses are human and things aren’t so cookie cutter.

That said I am also SINGLESHIP in the sense that most of my muses are not polyamorous and are very much interested in having an end goal relationship where they settle down and marry. With who and how that happens really depends on both my muse and my partner’s muse. So whoever my muse is really shooting to get married to and actively advances will be my main single ship partner...or really whoever is going to influence my muse the most and I can see my muse actually yearning for (which honestly isn’t that many muses *cries*).

That said...Huffman in particular is going to be really hard to single-ship with as he is 100% dedicated his entire life to his lord and savior Lord Barbatos and this is the thanks he gets to Mondstadt and he will betray his own lover and such for Mondstadt.

He is also a(ego)romantic so he has a huge disconnection with serious relationships as he will honestly treat them just like he treats every other citizen in Mondstadt and it can slowly get to any of his partners since he just thinks is just apart of his job as a partner...which is the same job he has with the people of Mondstadt.

fluff/angst/smut:

Fluff: Generally I don’t find myself interested in fluff, but I realized that is only because of my previous muses couldn’t handle fluff at all. For this particular blog (Huffman) fluff is honestly the only thing that I can offer due to the nature of his character. Fluff with the undertone of angst is going to happen a lot, it’s not going to be sugary sweet fluff but just a result of Huffman’s very grounded and relaxed nature. He is calm and level headed, very rational (a little too rational) and very determined to make sure everyone is happy...and as such angst won’t really happen because Huffman tries to avoid such things naturally.

Angst: I enjoy angst, I’m that person who loves crying and my favorite tropes (especially in shipping) is unrequited love especially when it’s with a character who has so much love and dedication to one person. As such, I find that I’m more inclined to talk about angst than actually RPing it. I’m very slow (really really slow) when it comes to RPing unless it’s crack or relaxed banter. So when it comes to angst, I like to set time aside and fully write it out...making me having to respond weeks to months later...haha sorry. Also I naturally have muses who are apathetic towards angst and other muses feelings that is hard for me to write because I’m the opposite and I get heavily invested...it takes a lot out of me.

That said...most of my angst comes from very slow burns rather than actually writing it out. It’s more of the anticipation of the heartache, breakup, betrayal, cheating, etc. that I’m more inclined to talk about than actually RP...as stated above my muses are generally cold hearted and very accepting of any consequence to their actions...they tend to be planners and expect karma to creep up on them someday.

Smut: I am very particular about smut. I personally like talking about it but actually writing it takes a lot more time for me to do. There are some words that I refuse to write (which happens to be a lot of the smutty words lol) due to how I read them in my head irks me and doesn’t flow right (my worst subject in school was English so I don’t know many words okay). As such, it takes time for me to fully write smut and even then the way I tackle it is very action oriented rather than immersive (I like to think) so uh...RIP my rp partners who want to write smut since I usually respond when I’m half asleep and have no filter and probably stare at me like “wtf did I just read?”. I’m sorry my smut partners who have to deal with me.

plot/ memes:

Memes: I’m more inclined to send memes than actually get around to responding to them. I like keeping my thread count low because I’m slow and usually memes require immediate interaction (something that I may or may not have the time for). However, most of my threads come from memes that will fizzle out over time and I eventually drop without warning- it just how it goes.

Plots: I like plotting and defining pre-established relationships. Having to start everyone off with a blank slate isn’t something I like unless it just seems natural for our muses (ie. for Huffman he probs doesn’t know many Liyue characters, but he definitely is close to Mondstadt characters at least on a name basis). As such, I tend to like establishing relationships and then going from there so I know how Huffman will interact with them.

Plotted threads, however, take a lot out of me as I like coining an idea and then having a starter be written and then go from there. If there are checkpoints to happen, I get awkward because my muses are 95% certain to shift the narrative based on what is being written and the situation that arises. So heavily plotted threads isn’t good, but defining the trajectory of a relationship is something I’m down for...mostly because I’m a quasi-single ship and 99% of my muses relationships are going to fail naturally - which is something hard to bring up when there is ship talking happen.

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

Road to Recovery 👣

Well, this is gonna be a long ass one. Also, this has been kinda drafted over the past... week? So it’s gonna be a real rollercoaster of a ride. 

Had just binged Lucifer’s new season and was on reddit, looking at comments of redditors yelling at Luci to enjoy whilst he was finding stuff to freak out about. 

Like him, I should have just been in the moment. Appreciated it. Instead of worrying about the next. 

The past week has been.. emotional. Have been getting used to the fact that I might never speak or hear or see him again. Been also trying to focus on the bad to kinda ease the pain. At least it hurts a little less, less crying too. But it’s also like one day you do great, no crying, not much of missing and pain, but then the next, everything creeps in altogether and you fall apart. 

The thing is... why does it hurt so bad? Things had been weird for months. I mean, I was the one who was always preparing myself for him to leave, I was the one who told myself I’d be okay even if we never went on the date. And I guess it just boils back to... expectations. 

I expected him to care more, I didn’t expect that he’d be able to leave just like this. From regular convos to nothing in a week, now almost 2 weeks. I mean, we’ve had breaks. 1 day, 5 days, 10 days... It’s kinda strange if we were actually interested in the other. Maybe he wasn’t much of a texter and wanted to talk when we met. But did we really share much when we met? It’s odd... He doesn’t reply properly to texts, he disappears, he doesn’t really care much at times, but for some reason, I seem to remember the good more. It seemed like he does listen (at times), there were moments when I felt like he cared. A part of me still trusts him or sees the best in him. 

Initially, I was trying to avoid talking about him so I would also stop thinking about him and I could move on. But I think talking about it also helps. Did also google about moving on from crushes, and that is a major point. Maybe I’ll never figure out what really went wrong, but maybe I could still give myself some sorta closure.  Though reminiscing does hurt too. Going back to the place where we met, which is basically my workplace which I’ve to be at almost every day... The memories flooding in about the conversations we had. But it also helps me to acknowledge my feelings and fears, stuff that I suppose I didn’t acknowledge then. Maybe if I had been less afraid and tried harder, especially during the times we were both around considering how hard it was to get our schedules together. He probably thought I wasn’t that interested and moved on. Guys fall fast, but they seem to move on pretty quick too.

Ended up dreaming about him last night... It was really nice. There was a shipment, I didn’t let myself have hope that it would have been him. And he turned around, and it was him. I said hey and touched his arm. I headed off downstairs talking to the other guys, one of them was teasing me for giving him my number. He came down too. We sat there for a bit, and I asked if I could lean on his shoulder, and we ended up hugging too. That was just wonderful, but it’s sad to know it’d never be reality. 

And I guess all those breaks we had throughout the months still gives me the slightest bit of hope that he might return... But now, 2 whole weeks of not speaking. The glimmer of hope fades as each day passes. Maybe, distance is just what we need, I tell myself. 

But now, there’s also a new guy. So I’m guessing the likelihood of seeing him ever again is almost impossible. But is it really so bad if we never spoke or see each other again? Did he even really care? What were we? 

Feels like history is repeating itself, and honestly, after re-reading old posts, maybe it is. Okay, but this time was slightly different. I fought harder. I should be proud that I got his number, or well, convinced him to get mine. I should be proud for initiating those texts, for finally picking up that video call, for asking him out. 

I do wonder at times if it would have been better if I was just honest from the start, that I was interested and I felt there’s something special, different, but not entirely sure what it was. I had friends tell me that I shouldn’t be too emotional about too much, especially at the start. I mean, I did do this the last time, granted they were all online friends, and now we’re still friends. Maybe it’s different being online vs irl. 

Should I continue fighting for him or just let this be another regret/what if? I guess I chose the latter. I was still too afraid to make a move, I was still too afraid to admit my feelings. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to give him the choice. But I was afraid, what if he only says he feels the same because knowing what I felt? I couldn’t take the leap. 

And the more I thought, the less I knew. What did I ever really know about you? What did I like about you? I guess I didn’t listen to myself enough, or to the rational part at least. The closer you look, the less you see. By the time I remember this, it was a little too late... 

I guess I need to stop trying to define everything. Some questions don’t have answers. Some stories won’t get closures. Not all friendships require daily talking. Why aren’t I okay with this? Am I just too attached to everyone? Does my life just basically revolve around people? Who the fuck am I?

I had been looking back at my old posts, all the way back to 2015, the darkest period of my life. I wanted to see what I did then, how did I handle it and pushed myself through. How the heck did I move on? Sure, it took me like... at least 2 years of moping around, then finally actually properly reaching out to get the help I needed. A couple months of counselling, pushing the focus back on myself, on self love and self care.

And all this unravelled within a couple months.

Granted, I think it was already starting to unravel early this year. All these work and personnel changes really fucked things up, with Covid just adding to it. And then comes those unexpected feelings, not knowing how to deal with it, worrying about how I’m gonna fuck it up, and in turn, fucking it up. Also, not giving myself a break when I truly needed it. I was afraid that if I took a break from texting him (okay I wasn’t really obsessively staring at my phone and replying immediately either, but I could have taken a proper break), I might have ended up losing him, and now, I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost him. 

So yep, losing myself... this time, I don’t think I was able to keep it as contained as I did previously. Loss of appetite, exhaustion... I guess at least I don’t exactly sigh as much as I did during the start of the year? But I guess now with Covid and mom at home, she’s noticed the symptoms too. And I guess how I tend to stay cooped in my room, retreat back after meals etc, not really making as much convos with my parents too... Maybe even agitation or irritation as my mom noticed too... 

She thinks it’s more physical, with my abnormal periods and stuff, like maybe I’m anaemic. Oof, and that one day she asked if I was alright because I didn’t seem happy. I literally broke down when I went back to my room. I try so hard to mask it all because I don’t want people to worry, and I want people to still be able to count on me when they need to. Though I’m pretty sure my colleagues noticed too. So I push myself. Sometimes I guess I pretend to be alright, cope with humour as my defence mechanism (self preservation through dissociation, amirite?), but then it comes crashing down the next day or next minute. 

I’m just human. I need to allow myself to feel. I need to embrace that I feel a lot, sometimes a little too much. I shouldn’t hate myself for caring too much, for feeling too much. I need to remember to allow myself to rest, or else this burnt out and exhaustion won’t do me or anyone any good. Yes, I want to be there for others, but sometimes you need to save yourself first. 

I’ve got one life to live, so I gotta live it. Right now it feels like I’m just surviving, otherwise basically floating through time and space. But it’s time to really live. it’s time to stop trying to keep everything under control. Sometimes a mistake is a destiny and sometimes we mess things up for the better. Stop comparing your progress and path to others. 

Recovery isn’t a straight line. You’re gonna feel good and then bad. You’re gonna feel like a bad-ass bitch who needs no one, but then the next you might be crying from the pain of missing him. Sometimes it will just get worse before it gets better. Real growth isn’t linear, it’s a step forward and 20 steps back. You’re gonna be tempted to text him, to hear his voice, to try one more time, but then you also gotta remember all the progress you’ve made. People are hard to forget and change takes time. 

Like Chandler and Joey were nudging Ross to move on from Rachel back in Season 1, maybe your friends had nudged you to move on too. My friends have been. Maybe our happiness just aren’t meant to be with each other. But I would love for you to be happy, even if it’s without me. 

So, I guess imma do a separate post about all the lessons I’ve re-learnt. It was a real headache trying to write this piece already. Thanks to anyone who’s actually taken the time to read this. Take care everyone! 

X

[girl4music]

Manipulation VS Gaslighting: What's the difference? An analysis into the depths of emotional abuse and victimisation and how, in the worst case scenario, it can lead to radicalisation.

The writer explaining gaslighting as an EFFECT rather than a TACTIC in this Quora article is spot on. The combination of continuous manipulation tactics give this EFFECT on the one who is being manipulated. This is explained extremely well and I want to expand on it.

The feeling of gaslighting is a continuous process through the use of manipulation tactics and not a manipulation tactic in itself. If you feel you are truly being gaslighted, it is most likely because you are continually manipulated. So don't use the term as a one-off experience of manipulation of which we all go through at some point because it isn't. And it insults true victims of emotional abuse when the term is used in that way.

I am more familiar with emotional abuse over physical abuse, and I assume most people will be because it has less consequences as it isn't often judged as an incident of criminal activity, although it certainly should be in some cases. I do not consider myself a victim of emotional abuse because I am not in a continuous cycle of manipulation and gaslighting, and therefore do not feel emotionally abused in any way and cannot put myself in the same category of those that do and that are in fact continually emotionally abused. There are actual victims of emotional abuse that do feel gaslighted all the time. Those are the ones in a continuous manipulation cycle and deal with manipulation tactics on a constant day-to-day basis. Which at it's worst can be closer to radicalisation than emotional abuse because the one who is emotionally abused doesn't realize that they are being emotionally abused. And their perception of reality is being majorly distorted and likely permanently so.

Why am I explaining all this? ...

Because I am tired of people claiming victimization or harassment or gaslighting or emotional abuse or manipulation when really, ... they just cannot deal with real life situations and circumstances, and interpersonal relationships of a mature and intelligent fashion. Where they cannot deal with social conflict flat out and any kind of cognitive dissonance makes them act like a petty child because it attacks their ego. Where they lack any level of emotional maturity or intelligence.

In fact I would go as far as to say anyone constantly claiming emotional abuse through the use of manipulation tactics are not actually being victimized at all and are actually victimizing whoever they claim is manipulating them. These people are most likely the manipulators and emotional abusers and gaslighters and victimisers instead. So be mindful of that when someone constantly claims they are being any of the aforementioned because, as I explained above..., somebody truly emotionally abused and manipulated and gaslightened and victimized do not know they are being so. I say again..., that's because constant emotional abuse through the use of manipulation tactics and gaslighting is closer to radicalisation. A radicalised person does not know they are being radicalised. That's the entire point to it. To keep them oblivious to the situation and circumstance they are actually in. Which is a very dangerous one.

However, I will contradict myself here a bit because it is not entirely like radicalisation because radicalisation leads more to violence and terrorism. It leads more to the harm of others rather than oneself. When you are being radicalised, your perception of reality is so distorted and conditioned that you knowingly inflict harm onto others. And I only say "knowingly" because it doesn't mean you don't have any awareness of doing it. It's just that you don't have any sensitivity from doing it because you are convinced by your radicaliser that it is the morally right thing to do or to believe it brings to you some sort of end goal that you're persuaded into feeling you need to get to or is beneficial for you. This is why radicalisation is connected to extreme religionism and cultism most of all. Because using the themes of fear and faith are great manipulation tactics and, tied together, create a successful method in the radicalisation of another person not previously of your following or of the same mindset and set of personal beliefs.

Thus, an experience of radicalisation is the worst case scenario of constant emotional abuse and continuous manipulation tactics. Especially when it's from everybody around you. Everyone in your social circle. Not just one person who has a personal agenda. True victims of emotional abuse experience varying degrees of this radicalising. And that is why it is insulting to them to claim yourself a victim of it over one solitary situation or circumstance. Which is likely not even an attempt to abuse or manipulate or victimise you at all but you only take it that way because you cannot DEAL with the situation or circumstance. And you have no emotional maturity to actually conversate rationally and logically and reasonably with that person you claim is doing this to you.

There is a certain level of tolerance you must have or learn for the hardships you're thrown or given in life. This level of tolerance is what makes you an emotionally mature and intelligent person. You do not immediately blame others for your own wrongdoings or claim yourself a victim because they felt negatively effected or hurt by you. These emotionally mature and intelligent people are the ones that can get through life not necessarily unscathed by pain, but tolerant to it because they have experienced enough of it to accept that it is part of life and part of reality. And if you're a person that cannot deal with it maturely and intelligently... That's your problem. No one elses!

I'm not directing this rant to somebody in particular but it is indeed inspired by somebody in particular. Knowing that they are now on a run for their life and it's not fair at all given they have been truly emotionally abused, manipulated, victimised and gaslighted through a good majority of it. This rant is for them. You know who you are and if you read... Know that I am always thinking about you and incredibly worried about you. Safe safe, friend. And keep in contact whenever you feasibly can. I know you are so incredibly strong and brave to deal with hard shit on your own but everybody needs somebody to talk to sometimes to be understood.

I understand you and I'll be here for you. I promise. 😟🥺 I care about you more than you know. Much love.

[themattress]

My Top 11 Danganronpa Characters

I love many characters in the Danganronpa series, but these ones are truly the Ultimate.

11. Monomi

Don’t get me wrong, Usami is a sweetheart and all, but on her own (as seen in DR2′s Island Mode) she’s pretty bland. While her forced conversion into Monomi caused her no end of grief in-universe, it made her a much stronger and more memorable character outside of it. Her interactions with Monokuma and position as his good counterpart / “little sister” are just perfect, as is the voicework done by Rebecca Forstadt. She, like her “big brother”, is iconic.

10. Sakura Oogami    

I may love Nekomaru and Gonta too, but neither of them hold a candle to the original “tall, muscular giant who looks scary as Hell but is actually the nicest, most loyal friend you could ever hope to have” in the franchise: Sakura Oogami. Her lower placement on this list is only because she kind of recedes into the background among the cast until the reveal at the end of Chapter 3 (which is fitting given the nature of that reveal), but once Chapter 4 centers around her she easily steals the show as a powerful, noble and tragic figure who is nonetheless such a beautiful human being that she successfully ends the Killing Game.                             

9. Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

A textbook case of a character you hate at the start and love by the end, Fuyuhiko’s development from a perpetually angry wannabe-thug who refused to be friends with his classmates and routinely threatened them with violence as a cover for his insecurities to a humble, honorable, brave, supportive team player was amazing to watch unfold, and Derek Stephen Prince sells it magnificently with his most touching performance since Ken Ichijoji . He may still be rough around the edges, but Baby Gangsta has always got your back.

8. Byakuya Togami

If you merged Sherlock Holmes and Seto Kaiba, and in the process filtered out all of the redeeming qualities, you get Byakuya Togami: an elitist prick of the highest order who has a dangerous intellect to back up his ego. As despicable as Byakuya is, he is also fascinating: I both hate hanging around him due to his constant insults and love it because I’m drawn to watching him work as he displays just how well the Togami family-sponsored education has served him. He’s as useful as an ally as he is formidable as an enemy, and once he learns there are some things beyond his sociopathic grasp and that it’s best to stick with those who know it, he mellows out into a reliable anti-hero. So yeah, awful person, fantastic character.

7. Chiaki Nanami

Hey, hey! Chiaki, as portrayed in DR2 anyway, is such a lovable character, at first seeming like an anti-social girl who would rather play video games and sleep than converse with people, but steadily revealing just how big a heart she really has and what a great friend she is once she connects with someone. As naive and weird as she is, she quickly picks up on things once she learns them, and is consistently one of the most perceptive people to have around in a class trial. And just when it seems like she’s becoming a tad too perfect to be realistic, we find out that she isn’t real and suffer one of the biggest emotional gut-punches in the series as she is cruelly taken away from us...except that even then, the bond she and Hajime forged is strong enough to keep her digital spirit alive within him. And Christine M. Cabanos brings it all home with her vocal performance. Chiaki, we will never forget you.

6. Nagito Komaeda

Who would have thought that a guy who at first seems like a weird, equally bland retread of Makoto from the original would end up being one of the franchise’s most famous characters? But it’s super easy to see why - when he shows his true colors it is bone-chilling, and the creepiness factor that Nagito brings with him only keeps on growing from there, as he shows how far he’s willing to go in order to create despair just so that hope can triumph over it. The story of DR2 would not nearly work as well as it does without Nagito in the role of the arch-antagonist for the other characters, all while he develops as a character too in a deliciously negative way which ends up culminating in what is probably the best class trial in the series.

5. Celestia Ludenburg

In a mystery-solving game like Danganronpa, Celestia honestly stands out as one of the most complex characters because she herself is a mystery. The game doesn’t really spell out her backstory, motivations or character arc given that as the Queen of Lies she has to keep a poker face about all that, but does allow the player to decipher it by themselves. While those unwilling to indulge their minds write her off as “crazy evil gambler lady who just wants money in order to become a vampire queen”, the people who pay attention to everything she says and does across the game (including / especially in her FTEs) can separate the truth from the lies and uncover the sad, pitiful reality of the character, a reality that haunts her all the way to her final moments. Call her Celeste or call her Taeko, that kind of depth deserves respect.

4. Gundham Tanaka

That’s right, my favorite DR2 character isn’t Monomi or Fuyuhiko or Chiaki or even Nagito - it’s GUNDHAM TANAKA! This man is a fucking legend, with Chris Tergliafera’s voice-acting perfectly capturing how endearing he is with his persistent delusions of villainous grandeur. But as funny as Gundham may be, he ends up not being a purely comic relief figure, playing a serious, emotional and noble role at the end of his run that gets me and many other players choked up. He may play at being evil, but in actuality Gundham is too good for this Earth.

3. Junko Enoshima

Do I need to explain myself here? It’s Junko fucking Enoshima! One of the most unique Big Bads in recent video game history! From the fact that the ultimate evil is a teen fashionista to the bizarre way she keeps changing her personality just to keep from getting bored to her ungodly despair fetish that has no rational basis for existing but simply does, Junko is less like a human being and more like a force of nature: gleeful, nihilistic despair incarnate. And though it’s true that she wore out her welcome past DR2, in her prime she is magnificent.

2. Kyoko Kirigiri

As far as I’m concerned, Kyoko Kirigiri is the real main character of the original Danganronpa. Makoto is just the POV character; the Watson to her Holmes. And what a character she is; truly one of the greatest female detectives in all of fiction. What I love best about Kyoko is what a unique take on the Emotionless Girl / Ice Queen trope she is. It’s made clear quite frequently that she isn’t really emotionless and that she’s just really good at masking her feelings as a necessary part of her job, and that this doesn’t stop her from being a kind and compassionate person toward others in her own straight-faced way. The narrative doesn’t condemn her for the way she is and she doesn’t have to change it either; what she has to change is her distrust toward others and reluctance to rely on friends, plus her hypocrisy regarding that and her personal goal vs. everyone else’s. It makes her such a rich, nuanced character and I love her for it (fuck the Danganronpa 3 anime though, it did her so dirty).

1. Monokuma

I think I’ll just conclude this post with a screencap:

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET ‘19 EPISODE 24 VS FRUITS BASKET ‘01 24-26 (PART 2)

Link to Part 1 here

So just to start it off again... I just wanna reiterate...

When I think of the True Form Arc, I think three simple points are vital to be shown:

Kyo’s true form is to be revealed to the audience and to Tohru

Kyo’s past with Kazuma and his mother/(partly)father

Tohru still accepting Kyo and declaring her love need for them to be together and share each other’s pain and joy

Also, if you’re more invested in my review of the 2019 version, scroll further down as most of this is gonna be the 2001 rewritten bits recap. Sorry?

-------------------------------

- Again, I really appreciate that the 2001 version left us with that pre-transformation cliffhanger. It’s a really great separation and keeps us on the edge of our seats. Plus, gives the horror and effects of Kyo’s transformation much needed time. I love the 2019 version too but it could’ve been excellent with a WHOLE episode dedicated to Kyo’s true form transformation rather than just half of one... Plus, aren’t these events are supposed to take course during an entire night leading into morning? 

I can’t decide which iteration of the Kyo transformation I like the most. I just know that the manga version doesn’t live up to the animated versions...

They’re both pretty horrifying and scary and look incredibly painful. I’d probably give it to ‘19 cos Kyo had tears in his eyes as he was transforming which hurt my heart and also just cos you know it’s in high def andddd the transformation isn’t a cloud, it’s fire embers. This is great gore-y content and I’m a little desensitised cos I had to watch/read this scene three times in one sitting so... 

I loveeee Tohru’s resilience. Kazuma’s here saying soliloquies and philosophical questions and Tohru just takes off after Kyo! And the manga and ‘19 version definitely wanted to highlight this message to the upmost: Tohru’s love is so STRONG. And BADASS. But, a part of me also loves the time ‘01!Tohru takes to evaluate the situation cos in all fairness... it is a very shocking reveal (if Tohru wasn’t already shocked enough from them turning into animals)

I like how in ‘01 anime we don’t get the inner monologue of Tohru evaluating what she saw. It leaves the whole notion of Tohru chasing after Kyo a little more mysterious as to whether she will or not. And the silence says it all anyway. Only the sound of the falling rain... I like it better. I tend to lean towards scenes with more action and less dialogue as someone who apparently learns better through visuals rather than dialogue. 

Akito appearing like a fuckin ghoul out of nowhere is still ridiculous haha but I have to give kudos to the ‘01 English VA Chad Cline. He definitely elevates the scene when he says this one sentence:

- I also like that this event (and also Akito) feeds into Tohru’s insecurity of not truly being a part of specifically Kyo and Yuki’s world. Not truly understanding them. She’s been living with them for almost a year by now(?) and I’m sure she felt because she knew the worst secret of them already there couldn’t have been anything even worse. And in a way, she feels cheated? ALSO KYO JUST TURNED INTO A FREAKIN ALIEN CAT MONSTER. I know Tohru’s very much aware that she still has much to learn about them but she couldn’t have predicted this. And it kinda puts her on the level of being an outsider once again. I like that it concentrates on Tohru’s own feelings towards her place rather than just her feelings towards Kyo. 

...I’m gonna get into some heavy 2001!Shigure defending, so I’m sorry if you don’t favour this iteration - stick with me for a sec lol

I’m ignoring all the ‘it’s not accurate, it’s not real’ chants in my head because... LOOK HOW DEJECTED HE LOOKS.

...

2001 gave me everything I wanted from Shigure as a character. Yes, he’s very interesting and conniving and fun as he was originally depicted. But... this Shigure has emotions and is fully showing them! That’s all I FUCKIN WANT. I just want him to show that even though he’s making these dangerous moves and manipulating people for his own benefit, that he has a conscious that is eating away at him and eventually will break. It may be too early in the story for an event like this to take place but I do appreciate that it’s shown. I get very frustrated with the fact that Shigure stays somewhat the same throughout the course of the manga but I guess the only person who does stay the same in the story is the narrator...

- I don’t know if the director of the 2001 version knew that they only had one season to translate Fruits Basket somewhere in the making of these three episodes, or even before. But, it definitely shows with the choices they make with the inclusion of Shigure, Uo, Hana, Kagura and Yuki in the search for Kyo. It’s almost as if they read future arcs and felt to just mash an iteration (or bastardisation) of it to try and conclude the whole story... which was quite a desperate move.

I also like the way this scene closes.

👌🏾

I actually really like this moment from Kagura! She’s actually being mature! And rational... and sort of letting go of Kyo at the same time. I do think if Fruits Basket ‘01 was given another season, it would’ve been fleshed out (obviously) but it’s such a great moment. Again, these are all signs that the end was nigh and they felt they had to tie up all the character arcs that were involved very quickly and I don’t necessarily blame them for trying. It just made them look a bit silly when looking from a 2019 view.

- But yeah, Yuki being involved is a no-no. He felt the most out of place when it comes to ‘characters that should’ve not been involved’. He makes a point when he finds Kyo about how they should both stop running away but it’s not fully fleshed out enough before this event for me or anyone else to care about. It’s kind of unfortunate cos I quite like the concept of Yuki being there especially tying in to how Yuki comes to a realisation of himself and Tohru’s relationship. 

- Also, are Yuki and Kagura tight like that? Lol for him to go rushing after Kyo basically cos she asked? mmmm.... 😓

This is actually my favourite moment from the 2001 version of the True Form Arc! It’s visually stunning and haunting and just... interesting. I like that they included the cats. Cats that would normally gravitate to Kyo but are now taking the voices of haunted figures of his past. Whether it’s in his head or not. 

In general, I felt Kyo’s mental anguish in the ‘01 version was a lot more artistically styled and creative. Very creepy and even more sad.

I do like that Tohru went to her mother’s grave for comfort/guidance before finding Kyo. I probably would’ve included a scene like that myself in the 2019 version as it adds a preliminary to Tohru’s future conflict between her love for her mother and her love for Kyo. AND it also adds time between the night Kyo transforms and the eventual sunrise when she finds Kyo. How far is Kyoko’s grave from the Sohma house? Lol

But yep, Uo and Hana being there was irrelevant but it’s pretty funny that Hana’s waves were used as a last minute explanation as to why they felt they had to attend Kyoko’s grave. But, I guesss the writers wanted to use this as a moment of Uo and Hana letting go of their ‘daughter’ to let her become a woman (reminds me of Yuki’s comment of how he saw Tohru as a woman when she ran after Kyo) and go after her man. It’s a conclusion... but it’s meshed with so many other themes and conclusions that it ALL DOESN’T MATTER. Plus, I don’t really like this as a thing; Uo and Hana will always be Tohru’s surrogate parents. ALWAYS.

Anyway, look at this beautifully depressing visual that ‘01 gave us for THREE EPISODES *sips wine*:

But seriously, while the visuals are so drastically dark compared to rest of the ‘01 season and are dragged out for sooooo longg, it is a very beautifully, depressing design. I love the way that all background music is edited out. Everyone is crying. Everyone is confused. The sound of rain is a constant throughout it. Honestly? It almost broke me cos the heaviness of it is exhausting, haha. And I have to commend it on pure shock value cos ‘01 Fruits Basket was barely dark until this arc. I think that’s what essentially made me adore it when I first discovered the ‘01 anime. I hadn’t read the manga so I didn’t know any better, but the darkness and pain in this arc is so beautifully shown and I feel like people forget that when critiquing the ‘01 version.

They jam packed a whole lot of character arcs in here when really the story should be focused on Kyo and Tohru’s reaction to Kyo. And I honestly, don’t blame them. It’s just too much at once that you don’t get to appreciate any arc at all because it’s not pushed to it’s full potential. It’s mostly just a feeling of sadness... that you later equate into genius...  because it’s sad? Which, I guess, could be seen as manipulatively clever? But now that we have the 2019 version, I think people will be more likely to decipher the bad from the good. Like, I have :)

- BACK TO 2019 VERSION: Wow, Kyo, really took out a whole cliff, huh?

I honestly got impression from the manga that Kyo did push and injure Tohru enough for her to get a huge amount away from him but not so far that she fuckin DIVES INTO A LAKE. My God, this was a bit dramatic lol

Ouch... that wound looks worse in the anime than the manga...

QUEEN TOHRU. I love everything about this.

You guys know I LOVE a good parallel and look at this couple meeting each other’s needs and taking their first steps. I can’t. I’m going to be crying into my wine soon. Nothing needs to be said about this scene, except excellence in ALL AREAS.

🎵TEARS STREAM.

 🎵DOWN YOUUURRR FAAACEEEE

🎵AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII....

I can’t get over Kyo’s face in this moment. I just- MY HEARRRTTTT. GOD TAKE ME. PLEASE. Couples that cry together, stay together. Omggg.

Even if we can’t agree on much when it comes to 2001 vs 2019, we can both agree that Tohru stays being an ethereal goddess. OUTFIT APPRECIATION. LIFE APPRECIATION. I’m so tired. haha.

So in conclusion, I think 2001 succeeded at showing all the three main points of the True Form Arc. I just think it got the message of this being a Kyo/Tohru centric tail a bit misconstrued because they wanted to make this a general zodiac tale of them finding freedom and release through Tohru. And it definitely takes away from the Kyoru centric storyline that runs through the True Form Arc. And while I think the True Form Arc could’ve used another episode in the 2019 version, it’s quite clear that 2019 wins this battle in all areas of it being a more whole and complete yet emotional and stunning version of the True Form Arc.

I would go into what happens at the end of episode 26 in the ‘01 version but it honestly kinda angers and frustrates me? And I’m mentally exhausted soooo, I might go into it some time next week before the next 2019 episode drop. Also, I’ll tie up some thoughts of the ‘01 version of Kyo and Kagura’s date. This was fun! Only took half a day to organise my thoughts, ahaaaa.