#and personally I think it's adorable and incredibly authentic to see such a cool character gradually chip down over a period of time

[skinnypaleangryperson]

There's a lot of Rick and Morty fans on complaining on Reddit that Rick is it cool anymore-that his punchlines aren't as sharp as they used to be, that he's forgetting things, that he's more empathetic, not naturally "cool", etc.

I think it's hilarious how upset they are. Rick is getting old, slow and endearing and is ready to be taken care of his family, get used to it. That's life. ❤️ (Especially with that new bit that they put in the latest episode where he used his device wrong and had to be helped by Morty. That was adorable.)

Personally, as someone who is an incredibly big believer in humanity, I think it's kind of cute that they're suggesting that Rick is not as "edgy" as he used to be and is becoming humbler, and more reliant on his family. It's so real, because honestly, humans fall apart eventually inevitably, and whether the creators mean for it to or not, that's pretty much what's happening to Rick.

It's much more human and endearing and lovable, and much more compelling than just having a cartoon character that's the same slate his entire arch. Plus, it's barely noticeable anyway, unless you're somebody that for some reason is really clinging on to how "cool" Rick was compared to season 1 -3 compared to now.

[wwaddless]

Whose your favorite turtles and why?

omg hi!!! sooo like you have asked me a very detailed question, dear anon. get ready for like an essay haha

im going to go in backwards order of release in terms of the different iterations and then do like an overall :3 (not including comics i haven't read those :(( )

started with mutant mayhem/tales of the tmnt:

honestly don't have a real favorite for this one, they're all sooooo silly and i adored the teenage vibe they got. considering they just kinda let the actors go at it, lines-wise, they feel so authentic teenager (i would also know, considering i was mid-high school when it came out last year). however! if i did have to pick a favorite for this version it would probably be donnie. i LOVE the glasses design and how he seems to be more computer smart then building things smart. a lot of donnies tend to be incredibly advanced for their age (which i do love and enjoy, donnie is soso silly <3) so it was cool seeing a donnie that probably just does programming and who knows how to set up TVs and stuff. like realistically he also put all the electronics in the lair, since that is a classic donnie move, but i find joy in the idea that he's just a fucking nerd that makes video games for fun.

this might change when the series comes out. honestly i can find something i love about each of them cause i really think they were all so well written!

rise of the tmnt:

okay so rise was my introduction to the series and has a very special place in my heart. the people who actually got me into the series told me that donnie would be my favorite character and guess what! they were right lmao. however, leo is an incredibly close second. i think the donnie & leo dynamic of rise is overall my favorite dynamic across the entire franchise!

anyways donnie! i think my favorite trait of his is how blunt he is. in middle school i was also super blunt, so that's just a fun little trait i relate to. (especially since donnie is 14 in the series). i also think he tends to have the best plot lines in episodes. having his own villains that aren't really shared with his brothers (the purple dragons) is so cool and just shows off how smart and strong donnie is as a character, something that's kind of downplayed when all 4 of them are together. also father donnie owns my heart <3<3 (which is in reference to his plot lines with shelldon)

also his design slaps. i LOVE making him a softshell so he has to create his own battle-shell. i personally like the idea that protecting his shell, or trying to make his shell more like his brothers, is what got him into engineering (does it count as engineering?). the goggles are stunning, the tech-bo is GENUIS!!!!!!

tdlr: love rise donnie. he is my boy <3

bayverse:

"WOAH!" i hear you say. nobody likes the bayverse movies! they look weird and the plots aren't good!

WRONG! i say to that! i much enjoyed the bayverse movies. i loved the designs. y'all can pry the bayverse movies from my cold dead hands.

anyways, i actually don't have that much to say, it's been a minute since i watched the movies haha. donnie and raph though live in my head rent free (starting to notice a pattern...). raph is probably actually my favorite, i really enjoyed the balance between family loving and angsty teenager that they did. he's the "nobody can hurt my family BUT ME" and honestly? i love that for raph. good for you buddy <3

2012:

i think 2012 is my third favorite iteration overall. i'm not sure what's second (probably 03) but rise is solid first and 2012 is solid third.

my favorite turtle is 112% leo. not just for the transfem headcanon, though that might be a factor haha. i just think leo was written really well. he's balancing being the leader, being the best, and also just wanting to be a kid and i think they did good for the time. like, y'all remember when leo was going to sacrifice himself in season ONE (1). shit is crazy!! he just wants everyone to be happy and safe, and if that means taking things into his own hands he WILL, and it was a great way to show how leo was meant to be the leader of the team.

on the opposite side of that, he's also super nerdy. he loves his silly space show, leo creates the live mazes & mutants game and makes everyone dress up! like yeah, he's an amazing leader and holding too much for his age, but he's also just a silly guy.

anyways yeah, leo is amazing in 2012. i love him soso much <3.

TMNT 2007:

eyyyy that one movie that has one of the best depictions of the raph and leo dynamic ever.

surprisingly, my favorite is neither raph nor leo. it's actually mikey!! yippee mikey appearance. i know he doesn't get a whole bunch of screentime in the movie, but he was amazing in every part he was. mikey being a "costumed" character for birthday parties? still being a wicked ass skateboarder? DRIVING? he's so cool!!! and like despite everything he still tries to be positive and uplifting, which is such a core mikey-trait. idk, i just love him <3

cowabunga carl 4ever frfr

2003:

ahhh, the one i'm currently in the middle of watching (i haven't touched it in like two months but i've been busy alright lol)

i think my favorite turtle kind of changes between seasons, which makes sense because 03 i feel like focuses on one character for an over-arching plotline for a bit and then moves to a different character for a different arc.

overall, though, my favorite is probably raph. he's just so loving and caring in the version. like even though he picks on his brothers or argues with them it's still really easy to tell that he loves his brothers a lot and would do anything for them. also, he rides a motorbike which is rad as fuck. also also, donnie twin <3. also also also, raph is just like really funny in this version? i think raph and mikey make me laugh the most, and one of those characters is unexpected (raph).

the 1990s movies:

gonna be so honest, i don't remember these movies well enough to say which one is my favorite. it's probably mikey or leo though.

OVERALL:

(i've only watched like 5 episodes of 1987 so i don't have an opinion on that one)

no one is going to be surprised by this, but overall, my favorite turtle is donnie. there's just a lot of different ways you can go with his character and support/smart characters have just kind of always been my favorite when it comes to TV shows.

if i was to rank them it would be:

Donnie, Leo, Raph, Mikey

which hurts my soul a little bit because mikey does NOT deserve to be at the bottom of the list :(( mikey just tends to be the hardest for me to connect with and therefore he goes to the bottom. mikey i'm so sorry, please forgive me </3

anyways! i hope this isn't too long for you anon and i hoped you enjoyed my tangent. i love these turtles and have so many, but so few, thoughts.

have a donnie to go :3

[dykedragonrider]

Finished Crymachina and I am so sad that a game that a game with that compelling of characters is attached to the most 4/10 action game I have ever played. It's like if Nier Automata was for formerly religious lesbians. Like. The gameplay is incredibly shallow and there are some important mechanics (backstabs doing more damage being the biggest example imo) that really feel like they shoulda been telegraphed better, you can just one button through the entire game, the scaling is fucked for damage and ExP, there's a lot wrong with it on a pure systemic level. The level design is also bad but in a way that I think adds to the narrative so. I will let that one go. The characters and their relationships are the real meat of this game IMO and that's mostly what I wanna focus on. The game is about lesbians, and they're both tropey and have legitimate depth? The plot takes a backseat for the most part, which is fine. It's not a particularly strong plot but it's good enough where it counts to work for its purposes. I guess first on the agenda is looking at Leben and Enoa, our protagonists? While the story mostly follows Leben, Enoa is the character the game is most *about* in actuality.

Enoa runs the Imitation Garden, AKA Eden. It's the main hub for everything, and she acts as the caretaker of both it and the E.V.E., because it's also where she lives. Having been broken down twice, the game is about her reconstruction and recovery on two levels, and I do think this is something the game's use of the Kabbalah adds to. As you unlock the levels in game, the main "nodes" you access are all named for the different sefirot of the Tree Of Life. As Enoa develops, you progress the Kabbalah. I think the fact that the game's main ending cuts off at Hod does undermine its use a little, but the sefirot of Malkuth, Yesod, and Netzach are also used in ways postgame that are clever, so I'll let it slide. Enoa is deeply caring, putting everyone above herself. She is earnest, incredibly emotional, and seeks to transcend her machinehood. She routinely invalidates herself and her experiences, given the fact she isn't an authentic human, because she has so much love for humanity.

To contrast that, is Leben. The first E.V.E. we get to see, and to some degree our player surrogate, but that's a role passed around and abandoned as needed, she just plays it the most given how she introduces us to the game. Leben is grounded, prone to flights of fancy but then often backtracking them upon realizing the full consequences of her actions. She resents humanity, and adores machines. Notably, Leben, unlike the other E.V.E., wasn't actually born out of Enoa simulating humanity. Leben was, at one point, Propator, but she's also not that person any more.

It's kinda hard to sell the dynamics in this game because well, it's their execution that carries it, but I still wanna paint the best picture I can. Leben and Enoa's relationship is very much them being lovey dovey, partially because they're fresh to it (I don't subscribe to the honeymoon phase as an idea, I think they're just figuring stuff out somewhat still), and partially because they're aware of their circumstances and are living their lives to the fullest despite that. There's a lot of care for one another in it, and their dreams are shared and centered around mutual joy for each other. It's very much a love that's still finding its feet, but the feelings they have do a lot of the heavy lifting.

For starting the other pair, we have Mikoto. A bona fide badass who values her appearance incredibly strongly. Not in a physical or vein way necessarily, she just values being cool a lot. She loves film as a medium, and likes ribbing other people, as well as sardonic jokes. Mikoto also speaks with her actions rather than her words consistently. She doesn't like being emotionally honest in words, despite the fact she also wears her heart on her sleeve. To contrast, Ami is a sweetheart. She's very cute and flowery in all she does, and is completely devoted to her family of the other three girls, but especially Mikoto who she consistently states her adoration for. She's also axe crazy as hell and is represented as an oni in her battle attire. Gap moe out the ass, basically. Ami also has to be wanted. If she can't be useful, she feels like she has no purpose. This, notably, isn't tied to her being in a wheelchair in her past life, but tied to her relationship with her family. Feels like a bare minimum thing but it still feels important to mention.

Ami and Mikoto don't ever label their relationship, but it doesn't matter because what they are is clear enough, maybe a little less to Ami given some of her anxieties, but you can know very easily. They've shared their existences in all the ways that matter, and at that point a label is set dressing. They've promised to spend eternity and a day together. They're like an old couple in how they talk and interact with the pair of Leben and Enoa, and it's super sweet.

Typing this I realize that I can't find the words to say what I want to say about this as well as I want to, because there's just a lot that I feel is done not through being able to communicate it, but the experience of it? Either way, the point is it's good. I just wish that the good relationship dynamics we have weren't attached to a middling action game that only goes on sale for 10% off and costs $60.

[maschotch]

please never apologize for geekin’ about these nerds! i adore the geekiness!

you’re absolutely right— paget’s acting choices are so particular and yet pass by in a moment that the pacing of the story would have to be snail-like and measured to account for it. and that works for some stories, but not for most. it’s certainly tough and i don’t envy you for having to make that call.

i do think it’s fascinating to see the impact religion has on emily despite her, clearly, not being devout. no one on the team, save for derek and (maybe, early) jj could be classified as such and yet! emily harbors such an immense level of guilt and burden that i’m genuinely surprised we didn’t get more confessions from her. especially through the boston-doyle story line. nevertheless, i found that to be perfectly evocative 👏🏻 well done 👏🏻

and i agree, i think that hotch is another case of an actor making such particular choices about the emotional expressions of his character and it gives such good texture to the dynamics of the show and team! i just made myself a little sad thinking about how a story that delved into all of those characters’ observations of hotch’s level of care could be told… because those stories they’d tell about how they found out the depth of his care would need an audience… 😖 what if, after haley dies, much after the funeral, she visits them all. she’s worried that hotch won’t be emotionally open with jack and she just wants to make sure his friends know. and so, she comes to them in their dreams and she asks, and so they tell her their stories. and when they see the hotchner boys at the bau the next day for a half day with hotch and jack says ‘i saw mommy last night and she told me to tell you all thank you! everything’s going to be okay’ and runs off back to dad’s office, they all look at each other like— wait. did we all have the same dream? (fade to black)

anyway, clearly you are in kind company. feel free to write essays (after exams (that you’ll absolutely succeed on)) of course 💛

- 🦢

i don’t typically acknowledge actors specifically (celebrity culture is weird enough already and i don’t really wanna partake), and i’m extra hesitant with pg/tg specifically… akjsdhlgk i dont wanna be mean but i’ve seen them in some other stuff and they are… not the best actors (even though i’m still obsessed with love and human remains, and pg does AMAZING as sadie doyle). but when they play these two roles specifically… idk something just clicks. i don’t think the characters would be the same—i don’t think the characters would be half as good—with anyone else. emily just has an incredibly lively energy that also feels meticulous, like a carefully crafted persona. authentic but tailored. meanwhile hotch’s entire personality is conveyed through microexpressions that sometimes i think i just hallucinate. he’s sooo reserved but there’s still so much emotion?? idk how he does it 

i love and respect emily and doyle because she only takes everything sexy about christianity (or whatever fucking religion they talk about): insurmountable guilt, sick aesthetics, and demons. derek can go cry about god if he wants idc i just like the guilt aspect.. constantly needing to prove that there’s worth in her existence. she’s kind of like hotch that way, but emily’s is more about repentance and hotch is more about freddie mercury vibe wishing he’d never been born at all which is soooo sexy of him  

that’s definitely a cool story idea! i also like the idea of haley haunting the other bau members? they feel guilty for taking hotch away, wondering if maybe none of this would’ve happened if they just let him leave like she wanted. 

[hexdsl]

Pattern Recognition (by William Gibson)

Yes, I am aware of Mr Gibson's opus.

This book was published in 2003. William Gibson wrote it (I know, Blowing your mind with FACTS!) The last time I read a new William Gibson novel was about 15 years go. Maybe more. It's odd to me that I don't seek out more of his work considering that Neuromancer is one of my favourite books ever.

I should really to a "Book Club" post about Neuromancer specifically. Also, that gives me an excuse to re-visit it, yet again. I didn't want to wite this and have people only read the opening, then tell me how I should read "The Sprawl" trilogy. I am quite familiar with the author. I "love" at least some of his work and I "like" more. So please don't read this thinking its my first ride.

Today however, we are here to talk about Pattern Recognition...

Words. So many glorious words!

William Gibson knows how to write. Fuck me. He knows how to write. He spins a novel in a way that makes it read like poetry without being so boring as to strive for rhythm. His work reads effortlessly cool. Something about the way he puts the words on the page make you "feel" the places and the moods. He does things that will have you swear he is borderline supernatural. He was good when I read The Sprawl Trilogy but now (this one was published in 2003) he's, well.. Back to "fuck me." He maybe the most elegant writer I have ever clapped eyes on. He climbs inside your damned mind with nothing but mystique and a cool that is uniquely his own.

With all that in mind, it may come as an odd redirect that I didn't really "love" this novel. I adore his writing style and the beats that keep the plot moving but ultimately I didn't give a shit about the actual plot. I was there for my fix of his style not for the resolution of the story. I know, an odd mix of feelings.

Whats it about?

Cayce Pollard (Case, I raised an eyebrow too, there is no connection) is a marketing consultant and hunter of new street fashions and movements. She is framed as being somewhat remarkable at what she does.

She lost her father in the 9/11 attack. And I do mean "lost" as in, he went missing but is assumed dead however this is a side story and emotional fuel for the character and not a real part of the narratives main thread.

She has an odd allergy like reaction to brand labels and trade marks. It is assumed that this sensitivity aids her in her job. Allowing her to see through the fake and embrace the authentic. Interesting concept that I really liked.

In her personal life she follows a series of web videos known only as "The Footage" that are around 40 seconds long and are uploaded randomly to assorted locations on the web. Remember this was 2003 so there is some period context for all this. The detailed descriptions of her logging on to the web, and using cyder cafés brought back some very nostalgic memories for me.

Eventually she is hired by "Bigend" yes... that name... The owner of a marketing organisation to "find" the "maker" of the footage.

In 2020 we would consider this whole thing an ARG and the puzzle would be solved by reddit in about an hour. But in 2003, it was a different time. The internet did not have the power and reach that it does now. I think in some ways this hurt the story. Gibson had to do things in such off ways where as now he could use GPS, wifi and global mapping to spin a much more intricate tale I think.

She then makes some logical leaps that baffle me a little. Makes some new friends. Has some out of context memories. Goes to japan to get her hair cut, and then to Russia to wait for a reply to an e-mail. Theres more narrative around this in the book. But my summery is quite accurate. I assure you.

Thoughts?

The main plot, searching for the "Maker" is almost an after thought each event on the journey seems almost an after thought. Mostly we bask in the characters perceptual tangents and indulge in the descriptive wonder that Gibson uses constantly. It's incredibly how consistently palatable the writing is given the density and verboseness of it. I would have been just as happy reading William Gibson's diary I think. Imagine how deeply he could make me feel "putting on socks" and "buying a new jacket."

The logical leaps that Cayce maker though are a little strange to say the least. At one point she really does go to Russia on the off chance some email will turn up and lies to her employer, who is an unexpectedly nice bloke, even though Cayce is convinced otherwise.

If any other writer had led me on such an ultimately pointless journey I would have thrown my Kindle at the wall and tried to forget how to read.

Also the obsessive mentioning of "Buzz Rickson" Jackets drove me mad. For a character who is obsessed with avoiding labels she banged on about her jacket like it was product placement. It actually may have been given that Rickson have a "William Gibson series" of jackets. Yeah. That rubbed me up the wrong way.

So should I read it?

If you have never read Gibson's work, start with Neuromancer. It has it all. Its just THAT good.

If you have already drank from the well of Gibson, and liked it. Yes. Read this. As I said. I loved the journey even though the points along the way fell flat for me.

Closing thoughts sir?

Gibson's effortless cool and affinity for the digital makes me wonder why he doesn't go way more sci-fi than this. It's ultimately a mystery novel with a lot of technology. I want him to dig deep into the future and show me something wonderful.

I won't be reading the next in this series but I had a wonderful time with this little dip.

[ganymedesclock]

I don’t want to say fictional robots “belong” to autistic people because any given fantastical allegory can have manifold and meaningful resonance to all manner of diversities, but something I do think is very interesting about fictional robots as an autistic person is this:

Robots as a plot element or character arc often center on this question of emotions. Do you feel emotions? Now, this is an imperfect argument about humanity/authenticity in the first place since there are plenty of Real Human Beings who experience anhedonia or alexithymia- but I think also, in my experience, a lot of these stories- sometimes in-universe, sometimes only in fandom responses- betray that maybe a lot more people than they think, are not very good at identifying emotions.

Many fictional robots- to be blunt- pour with emotion. They will often have a blunted affect (that is to say, speaking in a monotone, or limited facial expressions), they may use overly technical terminology, but they will make arbitrary decisions based on personal preference, it will be nakedly obvious they have a preference and their preference is determined at least in part by what pleases them. Data from Star Trek adores his cat and cares deeply about art and poetry.

And I won’t say any of these characters are bad people. I don’t want to suggest the goal is to create a character who’s “really” emotionless. If there is a quibble I have with this, it’s that I think we could all afford to be a little more careful and a little bit more imaginative, when considering how other people’s minds work, and how they present details. Not just as a joyless finger-wag of “you should be more responsible!” (though I will say there is some joylessness to it- I don’t really enjoy being shown a character who emotes close to how I naturally do, being fretted over by people asking if that character has a soul, is a real person, or simply an effective mimic; that hurts a little too personally to be fun!)

I was thinking of this because I was reflecting on one of my favorite little videos, My Job Is To Open And Close Doors. It’s a simple little uninterrupted 3-minute monologue about an AI who, well, see title, but has a bit of a crisis of purpose and asks themselves a bunch of critical questions about their role and purpose.

At its core, to me, the AI in My Job clearly experiences an emotion; they see something in the course of doing their job that they have no protocol or instruction to halt before, but feel an incredible misgiving about following through on. In response to this misgiving, in a very human manner, they begin to procrastinate- all the while, they point out to their own mounting confusion that this is a meaningless activity, but it buys them more time.

The voice acting given to the AI is very good, and, to me, cinches the whole piece- the actor very specifically does not leave a neutral-pleasant tonal range, and at several points, rather than asking an obviously “emotional” question, the AI simply hangs up in their own thinking talking to themselves- “because- because- because-” a very mechanical sort of stutter.

And using this flat affect and mechanical quirks, the actor establishes and fits to an emotional vernacular. The thrust of the plot- that the AI isn’t sure why they’re hesitating when their job is straightforwards and clear, that they even take note that this is being recorded as an error by another party- repeats in the sense of the stuttering- just as they procrastinate opening the doors without being sure why, they too “procrastinate” the completion of their statements when they’re unsure of them. The AI believes that the delivery of a solution, an answer, a “point”, is inevitable, so when they do not feel they have an answer they are incapable of saying “I don’t know”; instead, they stall. They procrastinate in the hope of achieving enough time to deliver an answer that meets their standards, that satisfies the parameters either set by their programming, or their own feelings.

My Job also adds in a sense of why emotions are important- in a sense that is not about enjoyment or satisfaction, although the AI ultimately does feel tremendously satisfied at the successful conclusion of their quandary- because without the ability to experience “baseless misgivings”, they would have simply responded to the initial command to open the door and been unbothered by whatever happened. In that sense, you could argue, it’s an ‘emotion’ born from ‘logic’ (that there is something amiss, though it takes the AI time to tease this out of their own thinking) but at that point we’re barking up a fool’s tree of semantics because our “logic” and our sentiments are both chemicals clattering around the same undifferentiated apparatus at the same time and thus inextricably attached to one another.

The thing that kills me about this is- with no hostility to the commenter in question- I scrolled down into the comments of My Job and immediately saw someone talking about how clearly, the AI has no emotions.

To me, this entire plot is about an AI having an emotion. Unmistakable and clear. This is about a door mechanism experiencing a profoundly human response to distress- procrastinating on the completion on a task they have every resource and in fact an active imperative to complete, based on a misgiving they are unable to articulate. This revelation is so profound to them that at the end of the video, they actually reframe their entire objective- “My job is to protect the human. My job is a great purpose.”

So I guess if there’s a tl;dr or conclusion to this sentiment, it’s that I think that while we can and should absolutely tell stories about fictional robots- because they are cool, and because they are also tremendously useful to ask certain existential questions about personhood- I think that it is actually very important to temper both our creation and consumption on these narratives on a more robust theory of neurodivergence, and, “I don’t recognize the way this emotion plays out in this particular person” does not equal “there is no emotion there at all”

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

So I rewatched season 1&2 and I remembered how incredibly great the show is. I also remembered that I am not over the mess that season 3 was yet and I am genuinely angry and worried that season 4 might be just as bad - because I have no idea how they can find a remedy after s3. Lazy writing, missed opportunities in storylines (Will’s could have been done so, so much better), really bad dialogue and more. And I still hear people everywhere say it was the best season! How? I loved ST from the start and I really feel like they’ve ruined it. The show lost authenticity, and I don’t know how they plan on making s4 a follow up to this mess. Thoughts?

I think the lack of authenticity was the entire point of season 3. Just look at the ridiculously over the top Americana that was highlighted alongside a look at the corrupt politics and struggling local economy. Look at the couples the fans adored being portrayed as dysfunctional in one way or another. Look at how almost everyone is trying to portray something other than the truth for the entire season. It all fed into the idea that nobody was who they claimed to be, whether they were the heroes, the mayor, or the townspeople who were turned into thralls of the Mindflayer.

I think it went over the heads of a great deal of the audience, including my own at the time, but the "bad" elements of the season were likely intentional. Will being underutilized actually was sort of meta since he felt left behind and unwanted. Joyce obsessing over the magnets was likely an attempt on her part to avoid acknowledging her own grief, as well as possible guilt over being attracted to Hopper so soon after Bob's death. Lucas' New Coke commercial is a sign that he's willing to go with what's cool over what he may actually think (which may well be his season 4 arc).

I think season 4 will largely involve these characters reconciling who they are with the larger world around them. Season 3 was stated to be largely inspired by puberty, which, as I've posted before, comes with a lot of confusion over personal identity. Almost everyone, particularly the kids, in the season was concerned with putting on a performance of some kind. Dustin is largely immune to this, but only because he is perfectly content to be who he is. The rest need to figure all of this out. We've already seen hints that Lucas may consider himself too cool to be associated with Dustin, but I imagine he's getting pressure to be "cool" or "normal." Mike and Will have their own little gay adventure to go on. El has to determine who she is now that she can have something of a normal life. Erica has to reconcile her previous image with the realization that she's a nerd in her own right. Max has a lot of grief to deal with that she may be hiding since she tends to put out the image of tough tomboy.

Only time will tell, but I think season 3 will make a lot more sense in the long run. They perhaps got a bit too cute with it, but I can see what makes it good now.

[critgemhero]

I'm not sure if I can put this into words, but something I really adore about The Mandalorian is just how... fallible Din is? I don't even really mean personality, I mean more so in combat.

He is an amazing fighter, a cool pilot, and a stealthy badass. He's our hero, the main character. However, there's something about the combat choreography that really captures my attention. While he always comes out in the end victorious and awesome looking, it never looks like he isn't TRYING HIS HARDEST.

He isn't Superman. He isn't Iron Man. He is one regular man with ridiculously tough armor who is very skilled at combat but makes occasional blunders and even gets INTO fights because of incredibly human and relatable mistakes. He can be overwhelmed, he can make blunders, and while it's happening it feels authentic and not forced. I think a lot of this comes from the stuntmen who play him like Brendan Wayne and Lateef Crowder (maybe Pedro Pascal too, idk)

These moments can come off as both so funny and so nerve wracking, because to see this seemingly "Legendary Mandalorian" look so goofy, or look like he's struggling, or making mistakes is just so much more FUN than your typical hero kicking ass in shows. It makes his character so much more relatable, and the fights so much more fun to watch!

[mymegumi]

aere perrenius

pairing: akaashi keiji x gn!reader

genre: fluff, strangers to lovers, writer!akaashi and librarian!reader

word count: 2.7k words

warnings: disgusting amounts of fluff

summary: more lasting than bronze. a once in a lifetime opportunity turns into a twice in a lifetime chance, and before you realize it, it just turns into a potential lifetime

dedicated: to miss issy ( @cafemiya ) kind beyond words, incredible beyond compare

You’d once thought that life was cruel to you, a single librarian that ended up helping children find picture books and nasty teenagers that had to pay their overdue library fees. You often just moved through the movements, walking to the library every single day, picking up coffees for everyone that worked with you that day, and nothing ever really changed.

Until today.

Today, when you walked into the coffee shop that was only a block away from the library—a small little out of the way place that served the best croissants with chocolate butter you’d ever had before—you were shocked to note that there was another singular figure in the shop with you.

Typically when you went in, it was early enough in the morning that you beat out the high schoolers and people who went to their 9-5 jobs, yet you always managed to miss the people who worked night shifts, so the barista often told you.

Today, however, there was a singular figure sitting at a table, laptop on the table with a small white mug of coffee in his hands, glasses perched precariously on the bridge of his nose as he seemed intent to read whatever it is was on his screen.

His hair was curling over thin golden frames, flowing over his forehead and spilling against his ears as he pressed his lips to the coffee mug, blue eyes focused on the words before him. The morning light had not yet seemed to crest the mountains of skyscrapers that littered the Japanese skyline, so the warm lights of the cafe seemed to soften the edges around him, making him angelic as he just relaxed there.

Perhaps it was the pure shock of seeing him, or even just the lack of sleep you always seemed to suffer from in the mornings following a weekend, but something led to your mistake of forgetting to conceal your admiration of him.

In your trance of adoration, you simply forget the cafe has a bell over the door.

He glances his up when he finishes taking a sip from his drink, offering a smile your way in the way that two people up way too early would share a smile with each other—as if only the two of you knew the secrets that the sunrise would whisper if only you would wake early enough to listen.

“Your usual?”

The barista, a sweet girl named Akira who seemed to be pumped full of espresso for she was way too peppy for this time of the hour, draws your attention away from the man sitting by himself at the window table.

“To go, right?” When you shake your head, she laughs slightly, inputting your usual order into the computer just for her to end up making it only a few seconds later, “What’s with the change today, you always take it straight to the library.”

When she sees you steal a glance at the mysterious stranger, she leans in with a hand cupped around her mouth, devastatingly wicked glint in her eyes as she whispers to you, “He came in a couple of minutes of go, saying he’s new in town. A writer, if you could believe it. Maybe you could warm him up to the area?”

“I have to go to work soon,” you hiss back softly, feeling the warmth take over your cheeks as you resolutely refuse to look back at him in case he heard her gossiping.

“Yet, you’re taking your coffee here?”

She, unfortunately, raises her eyebrows suggestively at you as she slides your drink to you in a small white mug resting on a dish, steaming and hot with a less heated croissant on a separate dish. You make a noise of disbelief as you carefully adjust your bag on your shoulder, taking your breakfast with you to a seat, not too close to the writer and yet not too far away that you are unable to admire him.

Pulling out a book from your bag, you are content to just read and settle in for a few minutes that you would normally spend in the library doing random work until the doors unlocked. It’s a newer novel you’d just picked up from a bookstore, and it was only because the author would be visiting the library soon, so you wanted to get a feel for the writing style, in case there were any questions that the people had for the staff.

“A good read, is it?”

You don’t really register that anyone is talking to you, at first, instead intent on just reading In Regards to Aces before it clicks in your mind two facts; one, that you are indeed holding a book and reading, and two, that you are only one of three people in the establishment, not to mention one of the three was just a barista making herself a coffee.

When it hits you that the stupidly attractive man at the window is indeed talking to you, you shove a bookmark in the spot you were reading as you turn to him, “Ah, yeah, it is, though I don’t have much to say on it considering I just started reading it.”

“Initial thoughts, then?” His smile soothes you a bit, making you relax from the initial tension you’d felt, “I’ve found the author tends to use verbiage that rambles on, but that’s my own opinion on it.”

“Well, from what I have read so far,” you set the book on the table, star embellished cover twinkling in the lights of the cafe, “I like the way that the author describes the character’s feelings—it felt really authentic, and added to the atmosphere for the story.”

“Well, just wait until you read the ending,” he raises an eyebrow at you and a playful look comes across his face for a second before disappearing, “it’s a real gutwrencher, honestly, I’m surprised the author had decided to take it in that direction.”

“Well, hopefully I’ll be able to read a good part of it before the end of the day,” you muse, hand running idly along the edges of the pages, “I’m hoping to be able to talk to the author during the meet and greet later today at the library.”

He makes a thoughtful noise, a small content smile on his face as he sets his mug down on the saucer. There’s a look in his eyes, something that says that he knows something that you don’t, and yet when you go to ask about it, he says instead, “Tell me what you think of it when you finish it, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.”

You watch as he begins to pack up his things, tucking the laptop away into a sleek black backpack, all while sipping gingerly on your drink, “Of course, perhaps I’ll see you again, I’m usually here before work.”

“I look forward to it.”

He shoots you a smile over his shoulder as he leaves the cafe, throwing away his things and setting aside his dishes before he exits. Watching him walk down the street, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Gosh,” Akira’s voice makes you jump in your seat slightly, “he was really pretty; you think he was a model?”

“I don’t know, but he could be if he wanted to be,” you smile to yourself as you check your phone, swearing as you realize you might be a few minutes late, “I gotta get to work, I’ll see you tomorrow morning!”

Chugging the rest of your drink, of which has cooled significantly, you end up rushing out of the door of the coffee shop, leaving a good tip for Akira before you go.

A meet-cute. Is that what that would’ve been considered?

Walking into the library, you have a dopey smile on your lips, and the meeting from the morning lets you float your way through work as if your feet haven’t touched the ground.

The writer meet and greet wasn’t for another few hours so when you were putting books back on the shelves, and when the flow of people tended to slow down, your nose was tucked gently into the pages of the book you’d picked up.

It was wonderfully written, with words that seemed to suck you in and captivate you, unable to truly pay attention to what you needed to be doing. You were so ecstatic to be meeting the author, to be able to see what sort of person they’d turned out to be.

They had been pretty secretive, declining interviews left and right and no one has been able to figure out who they were. No one really knew if Akaashi Keiji was their real name, or just a pen name either, a ghost writer who wanted to leave their mark on the world without claiming any credit for the impression they’d leave behind.

Truth be told, it was something you admired in them.

There was something special about someone wanting to create something, and yet walking about their daily life knowing that not a single person would recognize them for it. They weren’t doing it for fame, or for money, but because they truly enjoyed writing and creating books for people to enjoy.

“If you keep yourself in that book, you’ll never get these shelves done,” shit, you’d thought you tucked yourself far enough into the autobiography section that your coworker, Kaori, wouldn’t be able to find you, “what book is it this time?”

“In Regards to Aces…”

She raises an eyebrow at you, glancing at the big poster of the book’s cover displayed only a few feet away from the pair of you, “Uh-huh, gonna suck up to the writer? Get you a rich, anonymous sugar daddy?”

“Pft,” you smile at her with a crooked grin, “let’s be inclusive here, we don’t know if they identify as a guy, Kaori.”

She shrugs a shoulder at you as you begin to push the cart filled with returned books into the aisle, making your way to the front of the library, “Actually, Akaashi and I went to high school together. When he got famous, everyone at our school, like, made a silent pact to respect his privacy.”

“You know the Akaashi Keiji?” You give her an incredulous look, feet planting firmly in front of the help desk of the library, “As in, coming to our library, has won multiple National Book Awards in a row for their novels Akaashi Keiji?”

“Yeah,” she picks something off of her shirt with a sour look on her face, “I’m pretty sure Bokuto threatened a guy that said he’d leak Akaashi’s school name, but it might’ve been the whole group of them, honestly.”

“Bokuto…” you look at her with a bewildered look in your eyes, “Bokuto Koutarou, MSBY wing spiker, Bokuto?”

“Yeah,” she smiles brightly at you, which you quickly erase with a hand smacking her firmly in the arm, “Oh my god, what was that for?!”

“For not telling me you were surrounded by future celebrities in high school?!”

“Oh, as if there isn’t one person from your school that got famous,” Kaori levels a glare at you as she rubs her arm.

The pair of you are sitting at the reception area now at the front of the library, watching people flow into the seating area set up for the meet and greet. A copy of the book’s cover is set up next to the author’s seat, which is on a small raised platform behind a small red barrier.

“I’m pretty sure a kid in the grade above me moved to Argentina?” She laughs at your answer, a hand over her mouth as someone steps up to the desk, taking both of your attention away from the conversation, “Hey, how can we help yo— oh! Hi, again, how are you?”

Standing before you, straps of his backpack slipping off of his shoulders and glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. There’s a little bit of a smile on his lips as he sighs, “Oh. Hello, I’m good. I rushed here because I was worried about being late—Kaori?”

“Akaashi,” she smiles at him, hand reaching out to shake his hand easily as you stare at the both of them flabbergasted, “Didn’t you get my text earlier about you coming to the library?”

“No, I was busy with the moving vans,” he turns his gaze on you and you swear your mouth dries up a little bit, “After I got a cup of coffee, I was arguing with the movers about a van of stuff that got lost. Turns out they were on the wrong side of town.”

“You mean to tell me,” you interrupt, hand coming up to stop Kaori from speaking, eyes trained on the wavy-haired man in front of you, “that you asked for my opinion on your book? Your own book?”

He gives a cheeky grin, teeth showing as he raises an eyebrow, “It’s easier to hear honest opinions if people don’t know I’m the author.”

You roll your eyes at him before he turns back to Kaori for a quick second, “Kaori, would you mind getting me some water, oh and maybe even a snack?”

She nods easily, hair swishing lightly as she pats you on the back and leaves, “‘Course, meet you up on the stage, bigshot.”

When she leaves, there’s a bit of an awkward silence, something like you don’t know what to say, and yet you know if you were to say anything, something might change. It’s only a feeling, but you suddenly want to spend as much time with this man as possible.

Now in the late afternoon light, you study him in a way you didn’t get to before. The warm sunlight that filters in through the windows makes his hair seem a bit light, but still just as unruly as it was this morning. His eyes are inquisitive, sharp in a way that observes and analyzes all within a moment’s notice.

There are patches of red and blue light dancing along his shoulders, refractions from the sun through the stained glass windows. His shirt is a little wrinkled but otherwise neat, one of the sides untucked as his loose tie hangs from around his neck.

He’s even prettier in the daylight, you decide.

“I’m sorry lied to you this morning,” his voice drops a little bit, inflection careful as he looks at you, “I promise I won’t lie to you anymore, if that means anything.”

“Well, if I catch wind of you lying,” you start, sidestepping the swinging door of the counter to start walking towards the stage area, “I’ll make your life a living nightmare, I know where you get your coffee, sir.”

“Oh, not the coffee,” He holds his hands up in surrender, “I loved their dark roast, where else in the town am I supposed to get it?”

“That, mister, sounds like a you problem,” you want to see him smile more, is the first thing you think when he laughs, “but only if you get on my bad side.”

“Do you think going out for dinner sometime might put me on your good side?”

There are moments in life that can shatter and alter the way that you think and perceive things for the future. For instance, that one time a teacher had given you a recommendation on a book had jumpstarted your love of reading which had turned into a job with lovely friends. If not for that one teacher, who knew where you would be now, because life is funny and doesn’t work out the way you think it will when things aren’t set exactly in motion.

This is one of those moments, and you know it is, because as he asks you out on, assumably, on a date, you envision a life for yourself.

A life filled with moments and snapshots with Akaashi Keiji at your side. He kisses your cheek one morning as you both make coffee for each other, his hand is warm on the small of your back as he leads you through the grocery store, and his voice is loving as he whispers to you at night before you fall asleep.

Now, you’ve always been somewhat a romantic, but you think this is the first time you’ve ever envisioned a life like this upon a second meeting. As Akaashi waits for your response, face neutral but content, you smile to yourself.

“Yeah,” you respond, leaning close to bump your shoulder against his gently, “I think getting dinner might boost your standings with me.”

[ladyvader23]

I’m Mad About the Uncharted Movie But Not For the Reasons Everyone is Talking About

I know my blog isn’t really about this...except no, it kind of is, because my blog is partly dedicated to storytelling and writing and this is a fantastic example of what not to do in adaption. 

The Uncharted movie trailer dropped this week. I was already apprehensive because this thing has been in development for ten years (never a good sign) with a bunch of drama behind the scenes that ended in them casting Tom Holland. And to be clear, I love Tom Holland. I think he’s a great actor with a larger range than people give him credit for. 

But this was not his role, but not for the reasons most people are complaining about. 

If you are unfamiliar with who Nathan Drake is, this was Nathan Drake in each of the main games: 

Even from the beginning, Drake was very much an older man who has, by the point we meet him, gone through plenty of his own adventures. He’s still immature, but through the games you go through an incredible growth as he decides how to balance his love for adventure with his love for the people in his life (I would argue that doesn’t just include Elena, but also his other friends, including Sully). 

And Tom...he definitely looks more like a teenage Nathan Drake. Maybe a twenty year old Drake if you stretch it. When he was announced as Nathan Drake, fans (including myself) were quick to point out that Tom doesn’t fit the character from the games, and we were told “well it’s a prequel to the games.” 

I personally accepted that. I can see Tom as a younger Drake, and though I really didn’t want to see a younger Drake story, I was willing to give it a chance. 

Then the trailer released. 

And oh boy. As it currently stands, this movie basically follows the core of the story of Uncharted 4 (which, remember, is the END of Drake’s narrative arc), with random cinematic moments from the other games sprinkled in for funsies. 

This is not a prequel. This is a very bad retelling of the games...which on their own, are literally set up like interactive 10+ hour movies themselves. 

“But Lady,” you say, “video game movies are awful. You’ve never cared when those bombed enough to write a rant that probably no one will care about so you can fall asleep.” 

You’re right. But not for the reasons you may think. 

Let’s take another video game franchise I enjoy: Assassins Creed. Yes, I know, with some exceptions, these games aren’t considered narrative masterpieces, but as someone who loves history, I adore running around in historical contexts. Regardless of how you feel about Ubisoft, their gameplay, or their stories, the research they put into making the world feel authentic is pretty good. Even old stuffy Egyptologists praised Assassins Creed Origins for its level of detail. 

When that movie was announced, I was 99.9% sure it would be a disaster, but hey, whatever, sometimes it’s fun to see a bad movie. I thought it was cool that they were focusing on an era they hadn’t focused on in the games, with original characters. But then when the movie came out...they focused on the horrendous Animus storyline that fans of the game have been asking to be entirely removed for YEARS. They focused on the one thing pretty much all fans of the franchise have hated and rushed through for years. I think maybe 15 minutes of screen time was given to the actual Assassin’s the franchise is actually supposed to be about. Whoever told them that would be a good idea should be fired and never allowed to work on video game adaptions ever again. 

But even if they had focused on the Assassin storyline in the Crusades and it was awful, because it probably still would have been awful, it was still original. I would have been like “yeah that went about as well as I thought, haha oh well, guess I’ll keep waiting for a good video game adaption.”

Now let’s look at another “remake” movie: Jumanji. Coincidentally, also made and produced by Sony. 

When they announced a Jumanji remake, people were pissed. We didn’t ask for anyone to replace Robin Williams. Even the original cast refused to be involved without Robin Williams. Then when they announced the cast for the new Jumanji, people were again upset. There was a lot of controversy surrounding the movie, and people expected it to bomb. 

But then the movie came out...and frankly, I’d argue it’s the best “video game adaption” I’ve ever seen (Also!!! There’s an Uncharted poster in the main character’s room at the start of the movie!!!). They kept the core concept of what Jumanji is, but the story and the characters are very different. As a gamer, even though they weren’t emulating a specific video game, I identified a bunch with the video game tropes they incorporated and poked fun at. I laughed harder than my poor dad, who hates video games, did. He enjoyed it on one level, but as a gamer, I enjoyed it in a completely different way, and that was a really smart move! 

So how do these adaptions tie into my rage over the Uncharted movie? 

If they had done what they said they were going to do and done a prequel with Tom Holland, I would have little to complain about. I’d be far more open minded about the whole thing. I’d still expect it to be meh at best, but hey, whatever, I can turn my brain off for 2.5 hours, it’s fine. Plus, as I said earlier, I like Tom Holland, so that would’ve been an added bonus. 

But they didn’t. They decided to sample randomly from the games. 

And again...I can kinda see why from a corporate standpoint. Those are moments that people still remember even years after playing those games because they were incredibly memorable and cinematic. 

But my biggest issue is the story they decided to mainly follow was Uncharted 4. 

If you haven’t played that game (and if you’ve read this far, wow, I’m impressed, and also, you should definitely at least watch it on youtube if you can’t play it yourself) it’s the end of Nathan’s story arc. He’s finally married Elena and they’re living a normal life. But something is missing, and when his long-thought-dead brother shows up asking for help, he jumps at the opportunity, which while that brings him closer to the brother he obviously adores, it threatens the life he’d made with Elena, and it again gets Sully, his father-mentor figure, back into incredible danger (and like...Sully is too old and too cherished to be going on these life-threatening adventures). And by the end of it, Nathan is realizing that maybe even he doesn’t want to pursue his passion in such a way that it threatens everything and everyone he’s grown to love. I cannot stress this enough, this game was beautiful in the way it told the story. It’s about family, forgiveness of oneself and of others, what greed over riches can do to even well-intentioned people, learning to let go... it is some of the most powerful storytelling in gaming, let alone as a whole. When people ask “what’s a game you wish you could experience for the first time again” my immediate answer is “Uncharted 4.” 

Sony however, basically is looking at this from a money standpoint. If they wanted to recreate one of the games, they could have done the first one at the very least (and it’s about finding El Dorado! They could have easily done that story and maybe even kinda made Tom Holland work in that storyline...barely, but maybe). They know the fourth one made a bunch of money and is considered the best one (and it is, though the others are wonderful too). So they think, “lets throw Tom Holland, who already is an actor people will come see, into this role, and let’s make the story kinda like the fourth game.” 

But that doesn’t work. It guts all of the heart of that story. Not only have they made it impossible to recreate the other games if they’d ever wanted to do that, but they definitely made it impossible to tell that amazing story to a general audience as it was intended. It cheapens the whole thing. And knowing how wonderful Uncharted 4 is...well, to a fan of that game, to me, it feels like the video game adaption version of the Eragon movie, or the Percy Jackson movie, or (shudder) the Avatar the Last Airbender movie. It’s that much of a storytelling adaption nightmare, and most people won’t know that. Again, it’s a video game movie, so it’ll probably be bad even for general audiences, but they won’t realize how bad. 

So Tom Holland isn’t right for the role not because he isn’t right for the part of Nathan Drake (did that make sense? idk, it’s past 3 am and I’m just full of feelings, not grammatical logic). He’s not right for the role because of what was done with the story. If they’d chosen to do a prequel with ideally a new storyline with the same concept (like they said when they announced his casting), he would have been just fine. Had they decided to do a crappy retelling of the first Uncharted game, he would have been less fine, but still fine enough. But for Uncharted 4??? The end of a narrative arc that is considered to be a masterpiece in gaming storytelling??? 

No. And it’s a damn shame. 

[shinjaeha]

ipytm ep 2 (thoughts + spoilers)

i’ve been trying my hardest to forget about iptym during the week so the countdown to each new ep won’t feel as long, but i don’t think i’ve succeeded. with each new ep i feel more and more nervous and excited bc i know the conflict and angst is only going to keep ramping up as the series goes on (and this ep was a good indication of that...not FULL BLOWN angst yet, but the undercurrent of angst is slowly starting to come to the surface). i’m def more prepared for it than i was during itsay, but that doesn’t make it easy ;;;

the standard ‘this is not a proper analysis’ here...i’m completely aware that this post in particular is really messy, but i just had a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts with this ep. one day i will learn how to condense my thoughts better, but today is not that day so i’m doing this under a read more for once bc it’s embarrassingly long 😂

we start off with teh in acting class where his teacher is explaining how you need to be able to understand yourself before you’re able to understand other people (and therefore put yourself in the shoes of the character you’re playing)...which even before i knew where this ep was going to go felt a lot like foreshadowing for the events that were going to unfold in this ep.

the acting exercises are basically a lot like the ones that we see bkpp (and the rest of the cast) having to do as part of their workshops in the documentary eps, so it’s kind of cool to see them incorporate parts of that into the actual show itself. feels more authentic since, if you’ve watched the documentary eps, you know that this is actually what the actors have to go through when they’re learning to let themselves go and get into character.

so through this montage of all of teh’s classes, we get to see how much he’s enjoying learning more and more about his major. it’s truly his passion, and he’s finally in his element. and it’s great that he’s surrounded by so many seniors that are also as driven and passionate about performing as he is...i find it interesting how teh, even from the start, has always been most attracted to people that have the same sense of ambitiousness as he does. in itsay, his best friend (aside from oh-aew obv) was tarn, who had a very similar mindset as him. so here, it’s not really that much of a surprise that all his uni friends are basically the drama club seniors that he sees as role models. oh-aew is kind of that one outlier bc he doesn’t fit that same mould/personality type that teh tends to surround himself with, which is where you can already start to see the discord between them arising. in itsay, bc oh-aew was working towards the same end goal as teh at the time, it wasn’t as much of a conflict. but in ipytm we can see that their paths are starting to diverge more and more. that being said, oh-aew’s someone that teh truly needs in his life bc he offers a different perspective to most of teh’s other friends, and as we can see later on, teh REALLY needs that.

now THIS was one of the interactions i was really interested in. we already knew from the ep 2 teaser that teh isn’t exactly happy with oh-aew’s new friend group, so i’ve been waiting to see how teh acts when he’s around them. everyone’s at q’s house celebrating plug’s birthday, and honestly?? they’re all really sweet and accommodating of teh (they get him sweet drinks bc teh tells them that he doesn’t drink bc it’s too bitter, and they don’t pressure him when he says he can’t drink bc he’s got morning classes). but then the conversation turns to teh and oh-aew becoming actors and earning lots of money (and how convenient that is), and teh starts to get a little riled up. i don’t think they mean anything by what they’re saying (they’re just playing around), but we know that teh's sensitive to this sort of thing, and i think to him, it’s almost like they’re saying it’s ‘easy’ to become an actor and start making bank. teh, who already knows how hard it is (esp since he’s been watching how difficult it’s been for khim in particular), starts getting defensive about it. the focus being on money hits a nerve with him too bc teh is very clearly majoring in comm arts bc it’s his dream, not bc of the money he could make from it. teh and oh-aew’s gang are just on different wavelengths, and you can really start to see how teh’s having trouble bonding with oh-aew’s gang bc of their differing mindsets.

it makes me slightly sad that you can see how worried oh-aew is about teh and his friends not meshing. it’s like we, the audience, are all feeling what oh-aew is feeling...his nervous glances at teh bc he’s afraid that teh might not like them. and the discomfort on teh’s part too. all of oh-aew friends tend to be a lot more like him, relaxed and happy to go with the flow, but we know that teh can be pretty rigid and intense about the things that he’s passionate about. oh-aew recognises this, which is why he’s as anxious as he is in the first place.

oh-aew’s tea tattoo in honour of teh is actually so sweet 😭 it shows how much teh means to him. he really got a permanent mark on his body to symbolise his love for his boyfriend ;;; but from teh’s perspective, it’s literally that first mark of change. it IS a pretty big decision, so i don’t blame teh for being shocked about it, but teh likely sees this as oh-aew’s friends being a ‘bad’ influence on him (which we know gets brought up again later). not bc of the tattoo itself, but bc of what it represents. it’s like he’s watching oh-aew start to change before his very eyes and he doesn’t know how to deal with that so he brushes it away for now.

the framing of that shot where teh and oh-aew are facing each other and then q comes to walk in between them is A LOT like how they used to frame the both of them in itsay and having bas walk in between them. interesting.

HOW MUCH DO I LOVE THE FACT THAT OH-AEW SPEAKS CHINESE WHEN HE’S DRUNK...that’s just plain adorable :’) it’s like he’s reverting back to when teh was teaching him chinese and they were first falling in love again. teh’s method of getting close to him was always tutoring oh-aew in chinese, so it’s as though oh-aew is trying to feel closer to teh again by speaking chinese to him. sort of like he’s trying to recreate that feeling all over again. i also love that this is basically the opposite of that oppo short film ad bkpp did haha.

we got the “ke yi ma” “ke yi” again ;;;;;;;; i love their little domestic moments. they’re so soft when they’re like this (i know we’re gonna have to weather the angst, but i hope we still have a lot more fluffy moments like this too pls). side note, i really love the lighting in these scenes!!

when oh-aew reads teh’s note about the kimchi jjigae and smiles but then reads the “do not skip class” and his smile fades away...oh, oh-aew, i feel u.

so now we get to see oh-aew in acting class, and the difference between oh-aew’s feelings towards class and teh’s feelings are like night and day. teh’s classes make him feel so fulfilled...this is genuinely something that he wants to do. but oh-aew is struggling. he doesn’t have that same sense of purpose as teh bc he’s starting to realise that this might not be what he really wants...he’s trying but just not enjoying it at all. when teh tells him about the casting call, i feel so much dread for him bc he’s clearly not looking forward to it whatsoever, but he knows how much this means to teh...so he’s willing to ignore his feelings for now if teh’s happy :(

is it just me or was this when oh-aew stopped carrying his ‘heart attack’ bag too??

idk this struggle in particular just feels so personal to me. i really identify with oh-aew when it comes to this bc when i was at uni i changed my major like 3-4 times (and changed unis a bunch of times on top of that) bc i had NO IDEA what i wanted to do. even now, i still have no clue what i’m doing a lot of the time. i’m glad that oh-aew at least managed to find some sort of clarity when he dropped in on his friends’ advertising class and realised that this was something that he enjoyed and was good at :’)

teh’s so excited and focussed on this audition that he can’t even see how worried and reluctant that oh-aew is about this. he wants them to have the same dream so bad that he can’t see that this might not be oh-aew’s dream anymore. but anyway, oh-aew is the sweetest, best boy as always. he’s so, so encouraging with teh. so patient. he really such a great balance to teh’s more volatile nature...but that contrast is also what makes you feel so bad for him when teh lashes out at him without thinking (as he’s prone to doing).

i LOVE khim. i just have so much respect for her. she’s always trying her hardest, and it’s painful to see her give so much of herself yet constantly be knocked down. the resilience that takes. i know that that’s part of the industry she’s in, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. there’s a lot to be said about how harsh the entertainment industry can be (and the inherent ageism/sexism/homophobia within it), which i don’t have the time to go into here, but having to hear criticism like that...purely based on your looks (you don’t look smart enough, young enough, manly enough, etc.) is so incredibly disheartening. teh commenting on how harsh it is, and khim saying that it’s super common and telling the both of them how they’re gonna have to go through all of that the more casting calls they go to...OF COURSE oh-aew is only going to feel even more dispirited about this when he’s already realising that this might not be his thing anymore.

being able to take rejection and criticism is really fucking difficult (i know i could never do it)...and seeing oh-aew being told that he’s not ‘manly’ enough/too ‘girly’ in acting class and again at the casting call is yet another knock at his confidence. the way you physically see oh-aew get more flustered and anxious as the audition goes on, when he sees the crew shaking their heads at him :((( i feel all the nervousness, anxiety and embarrassment that he’s feeling right down to my very bones. then to walk out from that audition to khim talking about how damn hard it is to keep doing this time and time again only to be continually rejected?? my poor boy :( what’s fascinating to me is how differently the both of them interpret khim’s speech. teh latches on to her words and sees them as motivation to keep going...to keep trying and persevering. like a challenge. but to oh-aew, he just sees the difficulty and rejection. the instability of this career path, and how hard this could potentially be on his family as well. they’re both hearing completely different things.

teh being so happy about his audition even though he didn’t get the part and the way he turns around to face oh-aew directly when oh-aew tells him they said he was “too girly” and how he couldn’t change his personality to be what they wanted :((( pls. i just want to hug him so bad. teh’s “i like you the way you are now” and reassurance that so many other people do too  😭i know he kind of makes a mess of himself later on, but i’m still so glad that oh-aew got to hear that from him at least.

this show is the best at making you feel all that nervousness and anxiety when any of the characters are about to drop some big news. i was waiting with bated breath when oh-aew told teh he wanted to transfer majors. it makes me sad though that oh-aew has to constantly feel like he’s walking on eggshells when it comes to teh...he’s always most worried about teh’s reaction, and that’s prob the main reason why he didn’t opt out of comm arts even earlier. but oh-aew has all these mounting doubts about his major, and there’s only so long he can stick it out for teh’s sake, and the casting call (and khim’s words) really solidified that for him.

teh’s "you haven’t given it your all”/”you haven’t done your best” rubs me the wrong way bc it’s easy to think that way when you’re set on something and know that that’s what you want to do...but when you’re doubting/not sure about something, it just isn’t the same thing. we all have different thresholds when it comes to what we can endure and how much we can put into something. teh’s a hard worker, we’ve seen how dedicated he can be when he really wants something, but not everyone works like this. not everyone can be a teh or a khim. and esp not when they’re having to give their all to something that doesn’t feel right for them. and oh-aew’s right...sometimes once is enough to know that something’s not a fit for you.

when oh-aew mentions that he sat in on advertising class and thinks he might be into it, it’s like a parallel of that scene when they’re kids and oh-aew told teh that he wanted to become an actor like him. only now it’s the opposite. teh’s had this plan in his head that he and oh-aew are going to reach their dream of becoming actors and the lead protagonists in a movie/series together for so long now that it’s hard for him to reconcile that oh-aew might no longer want this as much as he does anymore. it’s like he can see this ultimate goal of his crumbling. so just hearing that it’s bc of q and the rest of the gang’s ‘influence’ that oh-aew sat in on their advertising class in the first place (and this triggered his interest in advertising) is like strike two for teh vs. oh-aew’s friends.

i’ve def mentioned this before, but oh-aew has always been the more pragmatic of the two, whilst teh is more idealistic, so i understand why he would gravitate towards something that was more stable of a career for him. more of a guarantee. he knows that advertising/marketing suits him better (not to mention that he’s always had the resort as his safety to fall back on too), and it’s something that he’s discovering he actually enjoys more in general too.

when i first watched this, i was like “oh wow teh’s matured so much!!” bc he didn’t blow up at oh-aew during this scene...that kind of ended up backfiring on me towards the end, but at the same time, i do think there’s a certain level of growth there since he does end up trying to reassure oh-aew (even if the blow up still occurs later on). it’s a process though...and even baby steps are progress.

8 months later and teh’s walking past that same place he and oh-aew walked by during his first night in bangkok...only now the poster is no longer the same red one. it’s blue... as though it’s signifying that this is just teh’s dream alone now, and teh clearly still hasn’t come to terms with that yet.

i’m really happy seeing oh-aew in a much better place now!! it’s so good to see him happy and actually involved in uni with his friends. but watching teh struggle going through casting calls and rejections makes my heart ache. hearing khim’s experience with auditions, and actually having to experience it irl, are two entirely different things. it’s like the reality of the situation is starting to hit in for teh. and that, on top of oh-aew not being there to support him in the same way bc their goals in life aren’t similarly aligned anymore, is starting to take its toll.

god, when teh lined oh-aew and was waiting for his response i was like nooooo don’t do it DON’T DO IT only for him to open ig to check oh-aew’s story 😭(though it IS cute that they have couple pfps). but we’re regressing. and now that they have different social circles it’s even harder to connect than before. teh feels like oh-aew’s being pulled away from him, into another friend group that doesn’t include him...and his insecurities are bubbling to the surface again. teh’s always needed that reassurance that he’s ‘special’ to oh-aew. clearly, we know that he is...but even now that they’re dating, it’s still something that he questions. and esp now that oh-aew is starting to feel like he’s fading further and further away out of reach.

i love seeing all of teh’s friends encourage him. they all understand how tough it is, and to see them all pull together to lift his spirits again is so lovely. but then his mood completely changes again when oh-aew comes to join them for dinner :( teh’s doing that thing again where he says everything’s fine when everything’s not fine (cue that “they ask you how you are and you just have to say you’re fine when you’re not really fine” meme). the flash to teh’s face when top says that he didn’t pass the exam to get into anantasart, and you know he’s just thinking about how he gave up his spot for oh-aew initially, and now that oh-aew’s transferred, it’s kind of like he’s turned it down twice. oof.

when teh tells them all that oh-aew’s transferred to advertising, it’s as though this is his way of trying to separate both his worlds. like oh-aew doesn’t belong here with his drama club friends, and it’s that pettiness that we got from teh in itsay is back in full force all over again. it reminds me so much of that time oh-aew told the itsay gang that he was a virgin, and so teh told his friends at school that he was a virgin too. or when oh-aew sent him that picture of his and bas’ legs touching, so teh retaliated by putting that pic of tarn on his story and leaning in to kiss her. it’s like he always needs to one up oh-aew. he doesn’t want oh-aew to feel the same bond with his drama club friends that teh has (esp when he sees that oh-aew is so close to his uni friends). where oh-aew was anxious about teh and his uni friends not getting on, teh is anxious that oh-aew and his drama club friends will get on too well so he has to create this distinction between them. kind of like his petty attempt to be all “i have my own friends too!!”, but it’s also combined with that feeling of inadequacy that he might not fit into oh-aew’s life anymore. he might not be ‘special’. idk if that makes sense but basically i think that teh’s feeling a lot of conflicting things during this scene.

when he starts attacking oh-aew at dinner...that was really hard to watch. you ever feel like you want to reach through the screen and just put your hand over someone’s mouth so they stop talking?? it was rough :/ it’s one thing to fight when it’s just the two of you alone, but it’s another thing to tear your partner down right in front of your friends. i understand teh’s feelings (and i know that they’ve been building up over this time), but my frustration was through the ROOF during this. it’s on brand for him, but still. and then poor khim :( i know oh-aew didn’t mean it in that way but the awkwardness of this entire dinner was just overwhelming.

another thing that’s sad about what teh said about oh-aew is that this is a huge sore spot for oh-aew, and it’s always been one of his biggest insecurities. the reason they stopped being friends when they were kids was bc teh said that he was going to quit eventually, so for teh to talk about how “shilly shally and indecisive” he is/how easily he ‘quits’ at things is a low blow when he already knows how much those words hurt oh-aew.

teh has a habit of jumping to conclusions based on oh-aew’s social media posts instead of actually talking things out with oh-aew so naturally it would make an appearance again here as well. and calling oh-aew’s friends “shitty” bc they’re different to him (aren’t as driven as teh and his drama club gang...therefore a bad influence on oh-aew) makes it really evident that teh still has a lot to learn. he really needs to start taking those acting class lessons to heart so he can see that not everyone is the same, and that other peoples’ experiences and perspectives are valid too.

teh’s long pause and “maybe” to oh-aew’s “and if this is what i really am, you’re not gonna like me anymore, are you?” BIG SIGH. it’s so typical of teh. i know he’s honest to a fault, but he REALLY needs to learn to think before he speaks sometimes bc he always ends up regretting it. i love that impulsivity of his, but it’s also one of the most frustrating things about him.

one thing that i find kind of annoying with the time skip is that we miss so much of teh’s festering feelings that it’s a bit harder to empathise with him when he has his eventual blow up?? i think if we were seeing this more consistently, it would be much easier for us to understand things from his pov better. like if we could slowly see this building up more and more as time went on, rather than just time skipping the 8 months until the blow up.

anyway, now khim and top are graduating ;;; i really hope that we’ll still get to see more of them in the next eps. i also love how the people in teh’s life are always so concerned for him (and how oh-aew’s doing). the message behind the book teh gets for khim’s graduation present is really sweet.

when khim first tells them that she’s going to be a flight attendant and teh blows up, i felt really angry at him initially. but upon reflection and rewatching this ep again...i think i understand where he’s coming from a lot better now. obv i still think he was out of line bc of course what khim’s saying makes sense...she can’t keep going to casting calls and scraping by with minor roles when she has to support herself and her family. in the end, we all need money to survive, and sometimes we have to be realistic about it. i really loved what she said about how we can have multiple dreams at once. but yeah, my heart really went out for her so much here :( it might be difficult for teh to see (or accept) rn, but he’s a lot more privileged than he realises. he still has hoon and his mother to support him financially, but not everyone is in the same position. not everyone gets to be as lucky.

regardless, i still understand why teh gets as torn up about it as he does. khim is someone that he’s looked up to and respected SO much...and his own doubts and insecurities have been steadily increasing. first, oh-aew changes majors, then, he keeps getting rejected at auditions, and now, the senior that he respects the most bc of her hard work and determination, is giving up her dream (at least in his eyes) to become a flight attendant. it’s like the world keeps telling him to give up bc it’s not going to work out for him. and he’s invested EVERYTHING into this dream. it’s all or nothing for him. but it’s like everyone else is slipping away, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold onto.

when teh looks at the tie and is reminded of oh-aew always being there to put it on for him :(((((((( ngl i was hoping that teh would be the first one to approach oh-aew (since their fight was bc of him), but i’m glad he apologised at least. and that they had a good talk about their feelings. but then again, this reflection after their fights is what they’ve always been fairly good at. teh just has to learn to stop internalising things so much that he ends up exploding so they don’t get to this point in the first place. so much has flipped from the first ep where oh-aew was the one feeling lonely and out of place. now it’s teh’s turn to feel all alone as he sees everyone’s dreams and goals (but his) start to change. like everyone is moving on and learning to adjust while he’s being left behind.

when they’re promising each other that their love for one another will never change, it just makes me feel so SAD. seeing them in the moonlight like this compared to the first ep when they were on the beach in phuket and teh was so hopeful and oh-aew was so worried :( everything’s already changed so much. making this promise under the moon like this reminds me of how bkpp kept talking about how the ‘ipytm’ title itself means an impossible promise...the two of them hugging in the moonlight as the score plays just feels so painfully bittersweet somehow ;;; my heart is aching, and i want the next ep, but i can’t deny that my anxiety is slowly building.

anyway, i know the end of this sounds so negative but i’m still banking on our teh/oh-aew endgame!!!!!!! it just needs to get worse to get better, and there’s still so much space for them to grow and learn. so many more experiences in store for them.

[ofmccnlight]

𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐇𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐍𝐎𝐗.    /     six   characters  or   alternatively   titled   :   my   ode   to   asian   women   and   also   this   white   guy   .

𝐂𝐇𝐎  𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆   (   @chhochang   )

lana , i believe i have already told you that i think jessica henwick is an incredibly sexy choice but i will reiterate : jessica henwick is an incredibly sexy choice . i swear i love cho a normal amount , i swear . the easy friendships she has with people and this down - to - earth air that makes her seem so incredibly easy to talk to ( and , therefore , reply to ! ) . underlying all of that , though , is this quiet strength that is never talked about in canon even though it is incredibly apparent in who she is ! the fact that you made her a professional quidditch player ! sheʻs just threaded with competitiveness and resolve and kindness that i canʻt help but love everything i see of her . a fucking fantastic take on cho chang . absolutely stunning , lana , my DARLING .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐈  𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐋   (  @dolors   )

i am obsessed . i am obsessed . from the moment you said you were picking them up , i just knew i was gonna be ass over kettle for this . i think that what you do really well is that you change your canon characters , kind of significantly , from how we see in canon and make these changes so grounded in grief and moving on from the war that all of it makes complete sense . of course parvati would leave . all of your character choices are very deliberate and they feel so authentic that i canʻt help but adore every single one you make . what a beautiful take on this character . what a beautiful way to give a voice to a character whose only traits in the books is being half of a very pretty matched set . this is ajayʻs favorite cousin in the whole world and they are my favorite shittalkers in the whole world . 

𝐏𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐑𝐀   𝐕𝐀𝐑𝐈   𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐌𝐀   (   @mxterfxciendo   )

lizzo vc I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE . TURN IT UP ! i think the kcu has been due for a new addition for a bit and what a fantastic addition pandora is . highkey completely blindsided by pandora when you replied to my eulalia starter before i even realized you were here but it was such a fun reply ! antonʻs ex - wife was such a fun wanted connection and i love what you chose to do with it . i love that you chose to make her a singer and a public figure . i love her personality . the energy youʻve already created in your writing with pandora is so cool to read : her adoration of her child , the incredibly tense conversation with anton , the FUNKY LITTLE DYNAMIC WE GOT GOING ON WITH EULALIA . so many sides to this character that we already got to see so quickly that i cannot wait to see what else you have in store for her ( and also rhea , of course ! )

𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐔𝐑   𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐑  -  𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐋𝐄𝐘  (   @delefleur   )

jenna <333333 all of your characters are so neat and interesting but i will forever have a little soft spot for fleur . what we see of fleur in canon is so little of what she could be and you really do latch on to all the best parts of her and bring it to life . this girl whose inheritance is beauty and a lifetime of being underestimated . the knowledge that her mother warned her of it and the advice she gave fleur . your intro for her is so spot - on and a very cool take on the character . and sheʻs a healer ! strong women ! strong women , particularly , in a field that is often seen as more nurturing than anything ! she consistently got shit on in canon and i love love LOVE that we can all look at this version of her instead . i hope j*r chokes on it !

𝐏𝐀𝐍𝐒𝐘   𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐎𝐍   (   @witchbiitches   )

i have made one of these fucking edits for every single pansy we’ve gotten in this goddamn rp since i’ve been here and you know what ? this is it . this is the last one i will make because this one is my favorite . WHOO BUDDY ! i adore this pansy . i adore the backstory youʻve given her . i adore paloma and her mother and their father . pansy is so witty and charming and biting all at once and i cannot tell you how much her and blaiseʻs friendship mean to me . the idea of two children trained to be guarded being very deliberate in their vulnerabilities and choosing to let their guard down for one another ?? knocks me on my ass every time . she is a STUNNING character and i love each and every one of your characters , rachel , but pansy <33 PANSY <33333

𝐄𝐙𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐄𝐋   𝐁𝐔𝐑𝐊𝐄   (   @hoggleswart   )

listen . i think this man is so neat . what a funny little weirdo with weirdo friends . this white man can hold so much exhaustion . ziggy , i think i really enjoy your character voice . iʻm constantly blown away by your seamus dialogue and the way you write all of your characters . ezekiel is particularly interesting to me because i do love a character who remains on the fence of things . working both sides not for sneaky reasons but for self - preservation reasons is my favorite thing to see and i love this idea of ezekiel doing what needs to be done but still remaining very loyal to a particular group of people . iʻve been waiting for someone to take up the wanted connections youʻve taken up from the main and i think youʻve done an excellent job so far with them . i think your characters are so neat <3

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET S3 EPISODE 8 RECAP AKA THE KYORU CHRONICLES PART 2 (plus a quick recap of eps 3-7)

aaaaaaAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! I gotta get it out of me otherwise I won't be able to concentrate on work and I will be scrolling through the tag till the day I die. Everything from episode 3 of Season 3 literally hit me like an avalanche - literally cos I marathoned 3-7 over the weekend which I wouldn't advise unless you want an accelerated heartbeat - and I'm starting to realise... maybe I just wasn't ready for season 3. Despite asking for it, haha. Not gonna put as many screencaps for this one cos tumblr editing bay be trippin and I just don't have time nor emotional energy to be fighting with the picture uploads, sorry lol

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Episodes 3 - 7

I spoke before about how (despite my feelings about the characters) the English dub VAs for Akito and Shigure pair up really well audibly. And I think I feel the same way about both Yuki and Machi's English VAs! They both have the same soft spoken yet scratchy element to their voices almost like they are holding slightly back. Although, I'd argue that Yuki has been losing the element of slightly holding back as the anime has gone on which I wonder if the same would be included for Machi's performance?

I really like the presentation of Machi's trauma through her family's expectations to be perfect and how physical it is? How Yuki kind of encourages her to let it out in a healthy way? (Btw the whole chalk breaking scene in the meeting was SO FUCKING SMOOTH. YUKI IS A NERD BUT HE IS SO EFFORTLESSLY COOL A LOT OF THE TIME)

The age gap between Isuzu and Haru for sure isn't the worst age gap in this anime/manga but it's still a bit... hmm...

Episode 4:

In all seriousness, I know Akito deserves some sympathy but it doesn't change the fact that I still see her as a villain. Hurt people hurt people but it doesn't mean they should get away with it, I was honestly pleased Haru got that big confrontation with Akito to tell her WHAT'S WHAT but it was also somewhat... merciful?

Hiro's growth has been so beautiful to see, him realising there are bigger things than him from the event with Rin to his relationship with Kisa to then the birth of his little sister.

Kureno choosing to get his hands a little dirtier and paying the ultimate price for it (as far as we know so far in the anime lol) was great, he is the moon side of Tohru's sunshine.

Shigure... I still don't really get him and Akito's relationship. It's clear he's waiting for Akito to grow the fuck up but at the same time he's not creating an environment for her to grow and develop. He's decided to go with the 'tough love' route which I'm still deciding whether I like it or not tbh. Sometimes it feels necessary, at other times it feels shitty. I respect that he knows he's a scumbag and I don't deny that there are people out there who take revelry in the fact that they are awful but at the same time, him remaining unchanging despite everything feels... unrealistic. But considering throughout this story he doesn't seem affected by trauma, it's understandable, I guess?

Also... that scene where Shigure ponders about whether he should've been with Tohru is THE creepiest creeper shit he's EVER done in this series. No. 🙅🏾‍♀️

Momiji is best bunny boi regardless of how tall and 'manly' he becomes. 🐰His scene with Akito was so authentically him and he really did that shit. We love him. <3

I love the way that the curse breaking should (on surface) be a happy event considering all the trauma the zodiac went through because of it but it's presented mostly as loss as well as happiness. It's the realness of getting out of a bad relationship

Shigure basically laying it out to Tohru how Kyo means nothing in a very taunting way was an excellently painful scene and I choose violence. It was heartbreaking seeing how worthless they all saw Kyo compared to how Tohru saw him but... by this point I was just living in the pain so 🤷🏾‍♀️

The story visually showing how Isuzu is more willing to be soft after her whole ordeal through her fashion choices (e.g. the pastels, the cardigans) was really nice. And Haru being happy about Isuzu making friends with Tohru was cute!

It was nice we saw that Kazuma was still wary about whether Tohru loved Kyo for the right reasons, you'd assume after everything Kazuma would love Tohru as a match for Kyo but he's so emotionally intelligent and also just a protective Dad! Yay, good parenting!

Tohru's confession to loving Kyo was amazing however I still adore Kyo's confession a little bit more. Just a bit. Lol. However, if you add the moment later in episode 8 it trumps it completely. Ethereal goddess.

Kyo and Tohru's grandfather having a scene together was great and nice

Now that I think about it, I wish there was more a visual link in the story between Tohru adapting her speech to imitate her Dad and Momiji adopting his Mum's German accent. Albeit for slightly different reasons, it just adds to the unique connection Tohru and Momiji have. In short, I'm seeing this ship with my third eye now. I get it lol

I don't wanna screencap the scene where Kyo is haunted by both his deceased mother and deceased Kyoko and potentially deceased Tohru because it's the stuff of nightmares. But, it was a wonderfully done scene. You definitely understand fully and clearly why Kyo buried all of that trauma under his hatred for Yuki (I CAN'T WAIT FOR EPISODE 9, YOU GUISE!)

If Akito is a villain, Ren is the final boss. Although, with her type of villainy... I feel like I can kind of enjoy a bit more. She reminds me of a Greek God in the ways she master manipulates people and her desperation for control and power (I just read 'Mythos' by Stephen Fry, it's a great read lol)

It lowkey feels like every female character who's comfortable in expressing their sexuality in this story is punished in some way for it... this is an incomplete thought

Shigure as a child feeling like they should all be pitied is so... mature... I feel like I need more of an explanation for why Shigure is the way he is

Akito's ego death with Kureno? Amazing. I loved that she was at least aware enough to realise how Kureno had been coddling her all this time but again... doesn't excuse her crimes

But anyways...

EPISODE 8

Honestly? I really don't have much to say about this episode besides 3-5 points I wanna get out of my head. It's not a bad thing at all, it's just that there's still a lot left to play out from this 'arc' and this season in general that I wanna complete my thoughts on.

But I'll start with this:

Lol, isn't it funny?! Isn't it heart-wrenchingly funny how the relationship between Kyo and Tohru has kinda reverted back to how they were at the start of the series? The coldness of Kyo at the beginning of this episode (and throughout) was a bit of a gut punch considering all the light and fluffy moments that we've gotten between the two since the True Form arc.

Talking about the True Form arc, I feel like this episode is somewhat a repeat of the same emotions, same trials of the True Form arc. Kyo still 'runs away like he always has' but this time we get him being the most honest and confrontational with his own emotions and trauma than he ever has been during the course of this whole story. While trusting someone (Tohru specifically) for the first time with the whole truth of his story! He always seems to move one step forward and then three steps backwards and while it's a tad bit frustrating, it feels very... real. I'll probably complete my feelings how this arc reflects the True Form arc when we finish this section of the story in future episode(s).

Considering the fact that 80% of this episode is Jerry Jewell monologuing as Kyo and I never got bored really just sells his performance. Kyo was being incredibly cold this episode and yet the range of emotions through his performance made it feel understandable enough for you to empathise with it.

BrattyKid!Kyo to lighten the mood 😹I still wish he and Hiro had more of a relationship, I feel like they could have taught each other a lot. Well... mostly Kyo teaching Hiro tbh

Kyo rejecting Kyoka for her honesty and kindness and then later rejecting Tohru? Oh... kid...

Wow, I felt so good about that whole episode of Kid!Yuki helping Kid!Tohru get home and then it's slightly soured knowing KID!KYO was running about the streets alllll night into the morning?!?! I really did feel Kyo's frustration at not getting that win to actually do something right. And the irony of that being linked to him being unable to save Kyoka from the oncoming car?

Honestly, I don't know what my feelings are on Kyo being unable to save Kyoka. I don't even know what my feelings are on Tohru pretty much pushing that aside in favour of her feelings for Kyo. It's... complicated and I've been mulling it over in my head for the last 10+ years hahah However, if I was in Tohru's position I think I'd eventually come to a point where it feels like it's too late to really do anything about how bad I'd feel about it. Kyo's intentions weren't horrid, if anything he was just being a scared kid and he's allowed to be that. I just wish Tohru had a bit more time to evaluate it but considering she knew her mother well and assumes that wouldn't have been the full scope of what she had said, I don't have much of a problem with it in general

Lol, I love when Tohru gets a 'FUCK YOU, I LOVE YOU' moment with Kyo. 😂Another reflected scene from the True Form arc... only thing is that this time... it doesn't quite work. 😕

(Again, I love how all of these reflections are resolved in later occurences in response to the duality but I'll get to it next week when it shows hopefully)

Laura Bailey only had a few sentences in this episode but she killed it as always. Comparing her performance in 2001 to now is just... growth!

Ok, so Yuki automatically gets Best Boi in this episode for meddling and chasing after KYO of all people. Showing how he's personally done with hating Kyo. Realising Kyo is pretty much the only person who'll make his mother happy. I think he also lowkey wants to understand Kyo? But, we'll get to that next week.

....Oh yeah, Akito is there.

--------------------------------------------------------------

In total, I liked this episode even though it has me anxious for the next one. We finally get the full picture of why Kyo is the way he is! Ahhhh - a weight off all our chests, I'm sure. I kinda don't like that they put the ending theme at the end of these episodes - the joyfulness doesn't really match up with the intense theme? But, that's just a minor gripe. And hey, maybe they just want the audience to know... it's all gonna be okay :)

See you next week!!!

[pepperful-qt]

hi can u write smth on like headcanons on what type of person would tsukki tendou iwaizumi and kenma crush on 👁👄👁

ooh funfun. this is something i do a lot for characters i write about to make the reader character realistic, so this is right up my alley :3 this focuses primarily on personality rather than physical types (with a small exception)

*just a heads up, this is LONG

the type of person they crush on w/ Tsukishima, Tendou, Iwaizumi, & Kenma

*****

Tsukishima

for Tsukki it wouldn’t necessarily be someone exactly like him, but they’d have definite similarities

they’d earn his respect before they’d get his heart

hands down this person needs to have a thick skin. i think generally Tsukki doesn’t outright insult or harshly tease (like with Hinata & Kags) the people he really cares about or has affection for (look at his relationship with Yamaguchi), but he is blunt and sometimes unintentionally snaps or is just straight up mean

if someone is easily affected by that, it’s a no go, sorry

not to say they couldn’t get their feelings hurt, and he would feel bad especially if his crush had already developed, but initially there would need to be a resistance or retort to that kind of thing. they’d understand that his words come from a place of both honesty and care, and any lashing out is just a result of stress and unresolved emotion

yeah he’d be attracted to intelligence and wit

part of me just thinks he enjoys mental stimulation and someone who can make him think not only piques his interest in the person but also makes him enjoy and look forward to spending time with them

at the same time, being able to enjoy comfortable silence is important too

and wit. he’d definitely tease someone he has a crush on though and i’ll tell you why

he has two goals: get them flustered or get them to smile/laugh genuinely

he’d love someone that can tease back, and makes him work for a reaction

and--this is important--makes him smile and laugh

speaks fluent sarcasm

not a pushover, and not afraid to call him out when he goes too far 

they probably have weird habits or specific tastes or something, which he picks up on as the perceptive guy he is occasionally he uses them as fodder for teasing

they’d be someone with layers ha shrek or with personas they switch between easily, like going from sweet to stone-faced roaster

to tack onto the mental stimulation, you know how Yachi said Tsukki treats everything logically and approaches his blocking like a difficult test question? to an extent the same would apply to that person

he’d be figuring out how they tick, what makes them laugh, etc, and in the process of that it turns into a different kind of interest

it takes him a bit to figure out why exactly he likes seeing their smile or spending time with them, or why he cares so much

a certain subtle air of confidence

i think Tsukki would appreciate music taste

someone who is caring and generous, but doesn’t make a big deal out of it

they’d quietly offer help to a classmate if they noticed they’re struggling, or bring back an extra drink for him from the vending machine like it’s the most casual thing in the world

someone that cares about themselves, but not obsessed with themselves

to quote a favorite song of mine: sweet with a mean streak (not mean really, but not afraid to bite back)

* * *

Tendou

simply put, it wouldn’t be any average person

there would be something about the person that initially caught his eye, something unique that makes them stand out just a little

examples of this could be: a sharp tongue, a book or manga they always have on their desk, a keychain, dyed hair, wearing headphones all the time (he wonders what they’re listening to)

these would be things that make him interested and start paying attention to the person, eventually even striking up a conversation

in terms of personality, I think he’d enjoy someone with a sense of humor. obviously we know he can get along with most people regardless of that (ushijima) even if not everyone understands him, but someone that isn’t thrown off by his dramatic personality and responds in kind would definitely excites him

he likes to chatter, so a good listener and/or someone that’s a good conversationalist would be great tbh

and i’ll just say it, if this person is a manga/anime fan, or just knowledgeable on pop culture in general immediate bonus points. shared passions are great

an acknowledging smile or greeting, especially before they’re acquainted, actually goes a long way bc he has a history of being shunned and mocked by his peers. just that simple kindness which is unfortunate that not treating someone like that would be seen as kind is really important to him before he realizes it

a huge thing i think for him is feeling comfortable being himself around them. that itself allows him to be more open with his emotions and actually develop a crush

so going back to humor and a teasing relationship, it would need to be the type that doesn’t insult things like looks or anything like that. he has a history of insecurity that is still probably present, even if he’s mostly dealt with it, but again, being comfortable is huge. tasteful and dumbass humor only

someone who’s not afraid to say what’s on their mind. he appreciates that kind of directness, and finds it entertaining to an extent

there’s also a certain unpredictability and spontaneity with this person that keeps him on his toes and excites him. he loves a challenge

he’d love someone who shamelessly compliments him. truthfully it’s a bit of an ego thing, but in a specific way:

for Tendou, volleyball is his safe haven. that’s where he grew his confidence and skill and made his friends, so it feels nice for him to have someone appreciate the things he’s good at and cares about when he’s worked so hard for it  

and he loves looking and feeling cool, and being showered in compliments is a great confidence booster heyhey seratonin

he’d love to make them laugh

if they compliment something like his looks, humor, passion, etc that will always really touch his heart. he’d brush it off with an “i know right~?” but in reality he’s freaking out because those are important parts of his self that have really been ignored or unrecognized by most people

this person would become another safe haven where he feels accepted and confident, and genuinely enjoys being around <3

* * *

Iwaizumi

the first thing i thought of for Iwa is someone authentic

a person who is true to themselves and the people around them

he despises fake people. those types were usually the ones always confessing to Oikawa or improving themselves for him. he just thinks it’s wrong

a nice laugh. i don’t mean pretty and refined necessarily, but one that is genuine and contagious and unforced

maybe it is a naturally pretty or refined laugh, but what matters is that it’s a laugh that is theirs, not for anyone else. that’s what’s attractive to him and makes his heart speed up when he hears it

a person who is thoughtful, considerate, and compassionate. like Tsukishima, he appreciates the quiet type of kindness

but he finds it amusing when they get just a little flustered when another person points it out

another little thing, but he’d probably find someone who’s a bad flirter absolutely adorable

he’d appreciate someone emotionally intelligent and perceptive

this is a person that is usually aware of how others are feeling and is able to adjust themselves to be the most effective in that situation

for example, they can adjust their own behavior to make someone feeling nervous at ease or defuse an angry person getting out of hand

this means their advice and comments are taken much better

tbh i could see him liking someone both reserved or incredibly expressive

so they could be the type that’s an extroverted hard-to-hate ball of sunshine, or a calm individual who’s respected and whose presence is appreciated by everyone

either way, he’d notice it

this is really the exception to the ‘disliking fake people’ thing

and he’s a hot-headed, tough-love kind of guy. his caring nature is often hidden behind that behavior  

so he’d admire that kind of social ability and understanding

another thing that i immediately thought of for what he’s attracted to: passion and ambition

what their passion is is less important than the fire in their eyes when the topic comes up, or they talk about their aspirations and huge, sometimes unattainable goals

this doesn’t mean they have their life figured out, but they care both about the future and living in the moment

this is just a hunch, but he’d probably be more inclined to like an athlete or someone that takes care of their body and physical conditioning

someone who challenges him to be better. someone who understands what it means to be proud and understanding your own imperfections at the same time

a vocal supporter

whether it’s yelling his name from the stands when he makes a spike, or encouraging him to follow his passions after high school, or bragging about him to their friends, having someone unapologetically express their belief in him just makes his heart soar

but really, he likes someone who can cheer him on and tell it like it is when he needs it. he’s a pretty tough cookie so he doesn’t mind bluntness (actually prefers it)

i see him liking someone who can surprise him too

the kind of person to hit him up at midnight to go for a drive under the stars or have a dance party in the park to music from a bluetooth speaker

a passionate, authentic, and level-headed adventurer

* * *

Kenma

i’ve written so much Kenma recently lots of these traits are probably obvious lmao

first things first, he just needs to be able to vibe with them

it sounds obvious, but it’s really important. just being able to exist and not feel pressure to be someone he’s not is huge

another boy who loves comfortable silence, or someone who can talk and not mind him being minimally responsive sometimes because he is listening he’s just quiet

he’s an actions>words type of person though

so if they ask about his passions and actually show interest in him that’s great, and he notices, but following through is even better

examples: remembering his favorite flavors, engaging in conversation about the game he’s playing then the next day asking if he beat that level he was stuck on, asking how the tournament went when he mentioned how tired he was from consecutive preparatory practices the week before

things that show they do pay attention, and they do care

someone who looks out for him

this comes in many forms: bringing him a drink and snack bc you know he’s been up all night binging a new game and is probably dehydrated and hungry, or gently guiding him by the arm when he’s got his nose in his game and would definitely walk into traffic, or taking over in a conversation when they recognize he’s just hit his social quota

again, actions>words

along with this interest in him, trying to playfully get him to smile or get a reaction out of him would be annoying at first, but eventually would get him more and more flustered

sound contradictory to what i said before about him needing to feel not pressured? it is a little bit. he doesn’t get it either

really it’s the fact that this person wants to show the way he already feels

okay like Tendou, i feel like i have to say that if they play games or at least are knowledgeable about them, or even want to learn about them, it’s immediate bonus points

it’s one of his two loves. they don’t even have to be good at games as long as they can engage or listen to his rant about the history of a series or how the game mechanics differ between two different platformers and why one may be considered smoother gameplay, but it’s actually more restrictive--

you get it

someone who just casually checks in. “how are you doing?” then moves on and doesn’t make a big deal, but will listen if he needs to vent

like Iwa, he likes someone who’s straightforward and genuine

and like Tendou, there’s something about them that is unique that he latches onto

needs someone “interesting” that always brings some new experience

like Tsukki, he likes mental stimulation why do i keep using the others as examples lmao 

they need to have a sense of humor. may surprise you, but he is bffs with Kuroo, and someone witty is someone who’s interesting

he’s always got a lot on his mind, he’s always thinking

they’d need to be someone he feels comfortable conversing with and sharing his thoughts with, and is a good and responsive listener

some sort of intellectual capability

when he gets to the point where he actually seeks out their company, he starts to realize his feelings

and when he does, he’ll feel more nervous initiating interaction (afraid he’ll say or do something wrong) 

they need to be someone who will take the initiative and seek him out too, and that would only intensify his crush

*****

this turned into more of a character analysis,, oops?

[panharmonium]

I would like to add Gwaine to the list of friends Merlin had. Especially in the 3/4 seasons he really was ride or die for Merlin, they shared intimate details with each other, they truly trusted each other. There were instances where the show alluded that Gwaine knows about Merlin's magic and is fine with it.

hi there!  i’m assuming this is in response to the post i reblogged about will and lancelot being merlin’s only “real” friends?  

i’m actually happy to write about this, now that the question has been posed - it’s been a while since i wrote anything long about gwaine!

fair warning in advance: i don’t personally classify gwaine the same way i do will and lancelot, and that’s what this piece will cover in more detail, but these are just my own thoughts, and it is totally cool for everybody else to have different opinions.  my take is my take, but it does not have to be everyone’s take - if people wanna scroll past because this isn’t their vibe, i don’t mind in the slightest. :)

so, without further ado - i LOVE gwaine, and i have written extensively about how amazing his relationship with merlin is (some examples here, here, here, and here, if anybody’s looking).  he is the most likely of all merlin’s living friends to ditch arthur in the name of addressing merlin’s needs, which is super important, and he also has a much healthier friendship with merlin than arthur does (in my own personal opinion, of course, which nobody is obligated to share).  he definitely does go ride or die for merlin in S3/S4, i agree.

but my own thoughts on this particular point are still the same as they were in that original post.  i tend to hide my clarifications/explanations in the tags, so they might have flown by, but i’ll just copy/paste the relevant bit here for ease of access, as some background for the rest of this post.

re: will and lancelot were merlin’s only ‘real’ friends:

#what this does not mean: merlin has no other friends!  merlin doesn't have meaningful and important relationships with other people!   #what it does mean:  #every single one of merlin's other relationships is undergirded by the sickening knowledge that those friendships are conditional   #every single one of his other relationships is accompanied by the constant undercurrent of 'they would hate me if they knew'   #merlin knows his friends 'care' about him   #except they don't really; because it's not truly him they're caring about   #they care deeply - about someone merlin made up   #about a facade.   #in the most basic sense   #those relationships aren't Real   #the love merlin feels for the people in them is real   #but you cannot truly be 'friends' with somebody who doesn't even know who you are   #you cannot be loved without being known   #you certainly cannot be loved without being safe

obviously i suppose a person’s thoughts on this would be different if they headcanoned that gwaine knew about merlin’s magic, and that’s fine.  i personally do not believe canon indicates or supports that, but i’m not out to convince people to abandon their own fanon interpretations of things; i’m happy just hanging out in my own space talking about my thoughts.  me writing meta is the virtual equivalent of me talking to myself in my room - if other people have different conversations with themselves, that’s fine :)  i don’t mind if other folks organize their thoughts about things differently.  

in accordance with that - everybody please feel free to continue on with your own interpretations, and ignore mine if mine do not appeal to you!  if people are interested about how i organize my ideas on this, though, they are essentially as follows:

1) a cage fighter, a class traitor, and a fake sorcerer walk into a tavern

ok, to start with - here’s a graph.

(...who tf starts a meta post with ‘here’s a graph’ lol i just drew a venn diagram for the first time since like...middle school...i LOVE fandom, man, this is RIDICULOUS)

anyway

this is a very rough interpretation of how i think about gwaine, lancelot, and will:

to address some of these elements individually:

lancelot and will give merlin something that gwaine can’t - safety, authenticity, the comfort of being known and seen for real, a respite from constantly qualifying every friendship with ‘they would hate me if they knew’

lancelot and gwaine, likewise, give merlin something merlin wouldn’t be as likely to get from will (if will were still alive, i mean) - an understanding of merlin’s devotion to the Crown, a supportive ally in the fight to promote arthur’s reign and keep arthur/camelot safe

will and gwaine, for their part, are more likely to tell arthur to go fuck himself, if it’s important for helping merlin, and that’s a different kind of support that merlin also really needs.

and will, on his own, gives merlin something that neither lancelot NOR gwaine can provide, which is a friend who isn’t connected to or even particularly interested in arthur pendragon (merlin has nobody in his life like this, not after will dies) - somebody who knew and cared about merlin before merlin had any proximity to arthur, before this whole ’destiny’ issue reared its merciless head.

everybody in merlin’s life matters to him and gives him something important.  gwaine is STUPIDLY important to merlin.  the love there is real.  but in canon, because gwaine is not in the know, gwaine is still one of the people from whom merlin feels compelled to hide himself.  gwaine is right up there alongside gwen, arthur, elyan, percival, etc - every other person who merlin loves, who merlin nonetheless constantly, back-of-his-mind fears, ‘they would reject me if they knew.’

the above is part of why i personally have never been too interested in ‘so-and-so knows about merlin’s magic’ canon-imaginings.  there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them, and i’m sure people must have tons of fun with them - and in an AU context maybe i would have fun with them too - but as hopeful interpretations of actual canon, they don’t appeal to me.  merlin’s near-total isolation and desperate, constantly-frustrated desire for real, honest love is an inalienable aspect of his character for me, one i can’t separate from who he is and why he does the things he does and why he eventually ends up in the place where we find him towards the end of the show.  

2) i just want someone to see me for who i am

i have seen a bit of sentiment out there along the lines of ‘merlin should have told (x person) about their magic’ or ‘(x person) obviously doesn’t have a problem with sorcerers,’ but i guess i personally don’t think it’s as clear as all that, and i think me saying it is would be doing merlin a disservice.

merlin’s desire to be seen/known/accepted is literally the most base urge he has.  if he truly thought he could tell somebody safely, he would.

i think merlin knows the people in his orbit well enough to know how they feel about sorcery, at least in a general sense.  and even if they aren’t bloodthirsty bigots like uther, they aren’t exactly welcoming magic with open arms, either.  at the most basic, elementary level, merlin understands something that we don’t like to think about: none of his friends ever challenge arthur on the sorcery ban or express any dissatisfaction with the political status quo, and, even absent outright bigotry, this fact speaks loudly enough in and of itself.  merlin’s friends might not be out clamoring for sorcerers’ blood, but they aren’t criticizing a society that criminalizes sorcery, either, and they are never shown to have a problem with the way things are, even though the way things are is wrong.

The Way Things Are is, in fact, unjust.  it’s oppressive.  and allowing that state of affairs to continue, unquestioned and unchallenged, when you have access to the king’s ear and aren’t personally in danger of being persecuted, indicates that you’re okay with the injustice.  that you’re comfortable with the oppression.  that you don’t see a problem with the status quo, and that you're unbothered enough by it to let it be.

it doesn’t matter that merlin’s friends have never straight-up said ‘boy, magic sure is evil’ onscreen.  they never say that camelot’s policies are wrong, and that delivers a clear enough message on its own.

3) it is not a crime to fight for your freedom

to bring this back to gwaine specifically, since that was originally the focus of this ask -

for me, for all that i adore gwaine, and for all that i think he was, for the most part, an INCREDIBLY sound, healthy relationship for merlin, the truth is that gwaine is as much a part of this problem as everyone else.  does that mean i personally think gwaine would have summarily dumped merlin if he’d found out merlin had magic?  no.  but i don’t think it’s as uncomplicated as maybe we wish it might be, and i think merlin has every right to be as uncertain of gwaine on this issue as he does of everyone else.

for one thing, like i said before, even gwaine, who used to have fewer qualms than any of the knights about pushing back on arthur’s BS, has never said a word about camelot’s injustices, or ever acknowledged that the laws of the land are unjust to begin with.  

for another, there are specific moments that kind of make you wonder.

5.05 (’the disir’) is a good example of this - when gwaine finds osgar in the woods, the two of them have this exchange:

you are a sorcerer, a heretic, and a murderer.  

the rhetoric of this sentence frames all three of these things as equivalent entities - criminal ones.  

to pick this apart more carefully:

a) sorcerer

it’s worth noting here that we’re never told osgar has done anything worse than evading arrest for the crime of being a known sorcerer.  when leon mentions him in the council meeting, the conversation consists solely of the following:

“as you know, a few days ago our garrison in the forest of breckfire intercepted the man who goes by the name of osgar.”

“the sorcerer.”

“the same.  they were trying to apprehend him when he used his powers to escape.”

and…that’s it.  osgar’s crime, as far as we know, was simply being a sorcerer (and then, after that, attempting to escape an unjust arrest, thereby killing a knight in the process).  there’s no mention of any other activities that would have warranted his arrest in the first place, other than the possession of magic.

but magic, even on its own, IS a crime in camelot - and gwaine levels the accusation at osgar as such.

b) heretic

that’s a hell of a word to throw around, if you think sorcery is chill.

“heretic” isn’t a mild accusation.  "heretic” has vitriolic severity behind it.  people are accused of heresy when they’re perceived to be in brazen defiance of what is (in the eyes of the accuser) unquestionably right and correct.  “heretic” is like…it’s like blasphemer.  the connotation is not just that something is bad, but that it’s sinful.

for gwaine, either osgar’s association with sorcery and/or his defiance of camelot’s army makes him a heretic.  and that’s not something a person who is down with sorcery or supportive of a magic-user’s struggle for freedom would say.

c) murderer

if gwaine were cool with sorcery, we would expect him to understand that a sorcerer who resisted arrest for the crime of being a sorcerer isn’t a murderer.  

it’s like kara said in 5.11 - it is not a crime to fight for the right to be who you are.

camelot has been killing sorcerers for decades.  osgar mortally wounded a soldier (not an innocent civilian, i might note) who was trying to imprison him.  he was resisting the armed forces of an oppressive state.  that’s not murder.

somebody who understands that camelot is an oppressive regime wouldn’t think of this as murder.  they would understand that it is not a crime to protect your own life when the state has literally been trying to exterminate your people for years.  and even if osgar had been engaged in rebellious activities against the state (which as far as we know is not the case - nothing like this is ever referenced!), they would understand that people with magic have long been overdue for a righteous uprising.  

but gwaine is a little more like arthur, in this moment - he sees the “wrong” that osgar has done (in the form of sir ranulf’s death) without seeing the thousands upon thousands of wrongs that camelot visited upon the magical community first.

4) you can’t go armed into a sacred place

the rest of this episode is similar.  gwaine pays just as little heed to merlin’s warnings as the rest of the knights, when merlin admonishes them that the disir’s cave is sacred.  gwaine doesn’t relinquish his sword or take special care upon entering the cave.  in fact, he is the one who outright interrupts the disir while they’re speaking - as they’re telling arthur a series of hard truths, that he’s persecuted magic-users, “even unto slaughter;” that he’s desecrated their space: “you come here, to the most sacred of the sacred, to the very heart of the Old Religion, with weapons drawn - trampling hallowed relics - treating our sacred space like you do your kingdom - with arrogance - with conceit - with insolence - ”

and gwaine cuts them off, pushing to the front of the group and shouting at them “enough!  you speak of the king!”  and that’s when the fight starts, when mordred gets stabbed.

someone who was fully accepting of magic, or who knew anything about it at all, would not have behaved this way.  they would not have bristled at hearing how arthur’s regime unfairly persecutes the magical community.  they would have known that it was true.

5) i just want to be myself

the above is just one example, but it’s a clear enough one to illustrate what i mean.  gwaine IS an amazing friend to merlin.  he does treat merlin well.  and merlin loves him to death.  but gwaine is NOT totally chill with magic.  i’m not saying he actively hates it, but he is not, from what merlin has witnessed, entirely safe.  merlin loves him, but he can’t be himself around him.

and i do think that pains merlin terribly.  all these people who he loves so much, and every time he’s with them there’s always that whisper: ‘this is a charade.  all the love in my life is a lie.  they only like me because they don’t know me.  if they knew who i really was, this would be over.’  

and we wonder why he never tells anyone.  we tell him he ‘should’ have told gwaine, gwen, morgana, arthur, like it would have been easy, or even possible, for him to ever consider putting himself in a position where he could lose what precarious, partially make-believe connections he has.

merlin, in the later seasons, when he worries about his magic being exposed, isn’t afraid of being executed.  he’s afraid of becoming even more alone than he is now.  and he has good reason to feel that way - even people who appear to put him first aren’t fully on board with the thing that makes him who he is.  and merlin knows this.  he’s seen it.  none of his friends are out fighting for people like him at court.  some of his friends shake their heads and assure arthur “you are a good and just king” when arthur expresses concern that maybe the disir are right, maybe he has indeed transgressed.  some of merlin’s friends used to buck the system in defense of the powerless, but now they defend the regime even when the accusations levelled against it by an oppressed population are true.

merlin knows that revealing himself is a kind of risk that could very plausibly end with him utterly disowned.  every single friendship he has is subject to this justified fear, this bitter knowledge.  merlin has every reason to doubt the soundness of his relationships.

and, circling back to the thing that started all these musings - the only friends who never made him feel that way were will and lancelot.

that’s all i mean when i say that will and lancelot were merlin’s only “real” friends.  i wish there were a better word to use than that, because i really don’t mean it like…as if merlin’s relationships with other people weren’t…valid, or important, or based on true love and care.  they were.  but there’s just not a better way to express that will and lancelot were the only people who ever even knew who they were friends with, who saw merlin for exactly who he was and said “i love you still.”  they were the only ones whose friendship was something merlin didn’t have to be afraid of losing solely for existing.

i always think of morgana’s line in 2.11 - ‘i don’t want to be brave.  i just want to be myself. i don’t want to be alone anymore.’

around everyone else, merlin has to be brave.  he has to keep up the pretense, which means even when he’s surrounded by friends, he’s completely isolated.

with will and lancelot, though, he could be himself.  with will and lancelot, he wasn’t alone.

6) post-script

i really appreciate being given the opportunity to muse to myself about this in more detail - i actually needed to think through some things regarding gwaine anyway, for writing purposes, and this was actually really helpful in organizing my brain.  so thanks, anon, for the prompt!  

i know my answer probably runs counter to your own interpretation of things, but as i said, this is just my own personal outlook.  i typed it up because the message got me thinking, and because i know i have a couple of friends who might find it interesting, but my thoughts apply only to me, and i do not mind at all if folks think about these things differently!  nobody is obligated to agree with anything i write, or give it any further thought, or even read it at all - we’re all going to engage with this story in different ways, so if anybody finds that this isn’t their cup of tea, please feel free to scroll on by, and keep having fun with this show in whatever way makes you happiest! :)

[koishua]

𝙂𝙀𝙏 𝙏𝙊 𝙆𝙉𝙊𝙒 𝙈𝙀 𝙏𝘼𝙂 !

tagged by: @luvvseong @yangyangify @spookybias @iuwon @floraljae (thank you, my loves <3)

tagging: @zhongwrld @moonbeamsung @rutosruru @lyjikyu @armysantiny @kopikokun @mochiable @envirae @channoticedmeuwu @radiorenjun @lebrookestore @whiteprincessofnohr + anyone who would like to do it!!

notes from vie: oml what the hell was this. honestly, this was so long, but i think it allowed me to reflect upon myself for a moment lmao.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙙𝙖𝙮 𝙞𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙙𝙖𝙮

october twenty eighth! on winwin day, nonetheless!

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩❜𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙧

i adore every single one smh. if it were palettes we were speaking about, then it would probably be greyish blue tones and beige to yellow ones!

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩❜𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙮 𝙣𝙪𝙢𝙗𝙚𝙧

my lucky number does not work, because my misfortune overpowers it way too much. i like the number eight, though!

𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙥𝙚𝙩𝙨

i used to have pet baby cobras, fishes, yellow and blue budgies, and aquatic turtles!

𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪

i am aspiring to reach 170 cm, but i am currently 159-160 cm! that would be 5'2"?? i think.

𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙥𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙚𝙨 𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚

a pair of combat boots, white canvas shoes, and one sneakers for sports class... not many lmao i am not a shoe gal.

𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙜

changes everyday. as i am typing, however, it would be lose it by oh wonder, rush hour by gaho and run by one republic!

𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙫𝙞𝙚

i have three: rise of the guardians, room (2015), and... any studio ghibli movie tbh. whoops.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙖𝙡 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙣𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚

i say that i do not have a type all of the time, but all of the people i have been attracted to and had a crush on were the wild, fun, and cute guys in my class. they also tend to be very kind and understanding as well. i am a sucker for people who smile often.

they would have to be accepting of all of my flaws and love me regardless, just like the way i would do the same for them if i love them as well. i am also extremely touch deprived haha, so i would honestly be over the moon if they don't mind hugs and physical affection.

𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙣

only after i have a stable income and have things sorted out, because i don't want to struggle raising them because of financial and mental issues. no kid deserves parents that can't take care of them ig.

𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙜𝙤𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙣 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙖𝙬

the law from where i come from are terrible and something pretty bad has happened, but i'd rather that's kept in private haha. i swear i didn't commit any crimes lmao police are just incredible blind and unfair there.

𝙗𝙖𝙩𝙝 𝙤𝙧 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧

shower. i am way too impatient for baths. also, i feel weird sitting in a tub filled water while naked lmfao it's so weird for me.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙧 𝙨𝙤𝙘𝙠𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜

grey.

𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙘

k-r&b, indie, pop-rock hybrid ig, lo-fi.

𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙥𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙨 𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙡𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝

only one below my head.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙡𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙞𝙣

it varies. i sleep like a rock even though i can’t sleep for long, so i wake up in the exact position i initially fall asleep in. either on my back or my right side, since my left side isn’t too good lmao.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣❜𝙩 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪❜𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙡𝙚𝙚𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜

buzzing mosquitos and damp, hot air (which is very rare, so i guess we are okay). i also hate being cold, so i sleep with two blankets even during summer haha. my limbs are ice-cold all the time smh

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙛𝙖𝙨𝙩

oats mixed with chocolate chunks.

𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙧𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙮

i never went to a club or took lessons, but we had a backyard where my dad allowed me to shoot at stuff with a bow and the few arrows he made. i was pretty good at aiming, but my eyesight has deteriorated, so i left it at that lmao

𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙛𝙧𝙪𝙞𝙩

watermelons and mangoes... also rambutan and mangis, but we don’t have them in germany ;-; i missed them.

𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙

fuck. and i am sorry to say that i use it here quite a lot.

𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙨𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙨

tons.

𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙡𝙞𝙖𝙧

some have called me a psychopath before, but they just don’t understand that i was raised by very strict parents and learned how to lie lmao. i am pretty ashamed to say yes.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩❜𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚

i have tested twice. once when i was fourteen, which showed that i was an infj-t, but then i took it again last year and it showed that i was an infp-t. i heard that 16Personalities was trash, though, so take it with a grain of salt.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩❜𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡

my best friend. she is a wild character, ngl, but she and i communicate extremely well. she is outgoing, courageous, hilarious, and has no qualms with being the odd one. she isn’t overly obnoxious, but she has a nice kind of self-confidence going on.

𝙞𝙣𝙣𝙞𝙚 𝙤𝙧 𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙚

i love yang jeongIN. definitely an innie, because i don’t even remember what the front of my house looks like haha. i don’t go out unless someone literally grabs my arms and physically drags me out and i am not even joking with this one. 

𝙡𝙚𝙛𝙩 𝙤𝙧 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙙

i was originally right-handed, but then i got paranoid of breaking my right arm and having to study with my left arm all of a sudden and get bad grades, so i learned how to do stuff and write with my left hand as a kid.

𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙤𝙙

don’t have one. call me when we’re talking about dessert.

𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙞𝙜𝙣 𝙛𝙤𝙤𝙙

don’t have one.

𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙮

my entire aesthetic is chaotic academia irl, so you tell me.

𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙥𝙝𝙧𝙖𝙨𝙚

oml, how tf, bahaha, bestie, no because-, hehe, lmao, i’m sobbing, i guess, toodles, etc etc.

𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨 𝙞𝙩 𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙮

i can techincally be ready in five, but procrastination is the sole thing i excel at, so yeah, definitely half an hour.

𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛

cnversations happen in my head, my the office-esque reactions happen out loud. i talk a lot and imitate phrases i hear from someone to myself and reenact scenes from my daydreams bahaha

𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛

i don’t shut up. someone save the people that live with me.

𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧

definitely not the most technically sound vocalist, but i can hold a tune or two. i was a soloist in my choir for a few years and was the vocalist for a band, but we disbanded smh i am still very sad about that :/ i loved them so much.

𝙗𝙞𝙜𝙜𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙚𝙖𝙧

seeing my loved ones die before me.

𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖 𝙜𝙤𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙥

i don’t feel comfortable talking bad about people :/ just ignore and move on.

𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙧 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙞𝙧

i have hair that reaches my knees, but dear god do i want to chop it all off in one motion and get a yeeun-style bob cut.

𝙛𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙨𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙡 𝙨𝙪𝙗𝙟𝙚𝙘𝙩

sports and art. to hell with everything else. i’m not bad at them at all, but oh gosh i want to burn them all.

𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙩 𝙤𝙧 𝙚𝙭𝙩𝙧𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙩

... idk. i hate speaking to strangers and feel so awkward during one on one conversations with friends. i don’t go out a lot and social events tire me out, but i also crave noise happening around me. so,,, ambivert? i do tend to be the life of the party often during the few times i go out, but then i just lug myself back home and crash for the week lmao

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙤𝙪𝙨

anything related to school. i have regular panic attacks /gen. also, i have thalassaphobia and megalophobia, so things larger than life and the vast, empty ocean terrifies me and movies like that just make me nauseous. 

𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙛𝙞𝙧𝙨𝙩 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡 𝙘𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙝

my first real crush this one guy in my band. he was the other vocalist and was so pretty and fun. he always used to tease me smh. at least, that was something. but then we had to disband last year, because the older guys were moving away to study and us high schoolers were also moving to different cities ;-;

𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙛𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙧𝙪𝙣

i was in my middle school track team and used to compete a lot since i was pretty agile, but then i started to hate running, stopped, and now i am just a little above average bahaha.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙧 𝙞𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙖𝙞𝙧

black. i want to dye it with cotton candy colored highlights, tho!

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙧𝙮

unnecessary comments, rude and obnoxious, self-entitled kids and people in general, people who tell you how to do your own job, hate comments, the basic dni criterias as well 

𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙣𝙖𝙢𝙚

kind of?

𝙙𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙖 𝙗𝙤𝙮 𝙤𝙧 𝙖 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡 𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙙

i would want a girl.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙜𝙩𝙝𝙨

i have cold hands if you want to cool down. i can adapt to any kind of environment instantly, since i have moved twelve different times to fifferent schools and countries. bless my parents. i have gained the ability to conquer shifts in social environments at the cost of my mental health :’) i also consider myself to be nice and can get things down quickly, so i am a fast learner.

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙬𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙚𝙨

kanemoto yoshinori, yoshi, eye smiles, and brownies. i am also very impatient, a perfectionist, a procrastinator, and have absolutely zero self-control over aggression against my own body. i have trouble reacting to other people's emotional outbursts, be it crying or anger and don't know what to do and how to comfort them. i also have trouble opening up and am never authentic around people, so i don't have... friends, if that makes sense? i don't feel comfortable being myself and feel like i have to be the person that they want me to be? idek.

i get bored extremely easily and nothing interests me that much ig

𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩❜𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙚𝙙𝙨𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙

blue.

𝙘𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢

white and hints of blue.