#and since this Max already had a nice bear theme going on

[bee-snail]

So a friend and I were playing around and I felt... Inspired. Vigilantes AU 🙌

Co-written with @davestriderisasimp, it's currently only a vague idea but it's so so fun either way!

YAPPING AHEAD, BEWARE !!!

Oh man. This AU was born because my friend made a funky Daniel in a really cool Epiphet Erased AU, and in turn, I made a David that matched. Then they became arch nemeses, kissed, punched each other, and committed so much dang crime!

In David's defense: he commits crime to stop criminals. Criminals like Daniel, and his team of EVIL MINIONS (they're all petty criminals AT BEST they're the cutest, bestest ever, I LOVE THEM)

Her Daniel was genuinely so fun that he was the first and only Daniel I ever even considering making a Danvid with. The OG Danvid has neat vibes, in a Killing Stalking kinda way, but it just wasn't my vibe, y'know? Good for those who like 'em, tho !!

This David is just... so neat. He's like if Davey's original snarky attitude had never been completely overriden by his love for camping. He blackmails Cameron for favors from time to time, but is pretty fond of the guy because he's not exactly a genius evil mastermind. He loves his friend Gwen and his son Max—who may or may not have been "kidnapped" from his home by some red-headed stranger who distracted his parents by setting their car on fire—and has started to care a little for his roommate, CJ.

He started vigilantism when he was just a teenager with some anger issues, man. And now he just got used to it! But hypocrisy just runs through his veins, as he feels super stressed whenever Max decides to sneak out to go after him and help. He wants to beat up strangers too!

Neither Max or David have "offensive" epiphets either: theirs are "Recover" and "Endure", respectively. A healing and a passively defensive power. Gwen's, though? Hers is "Orgasm". It's perfect for sweeping someone off their feet— if you get what I'm saying, HAH

Daniel's epiphet is "Kool Aid", and he uses it so dang well! He's the silliest villain you'll ever meet and I adore every moment he's "on-screen" (aka, whenever we talk about him, HEHEHE). He's the captain of a team of minions—yes, he does call them his minions. It's a very worthy title, I must say—who perform LOTS OF CRIMES together. Most of them are simple robberies, though, and David is incredibly amused by them.

He does, occasionally, fall on one of their traps. And then they laugh at him. Then they take him hostage to make him gawk at their mighty evil lair (they bring him over) and feel pathetically miserable once he sees that his own personal resting hours are nothing compared to the glory of their favorite entertainment (they watch some movies), and so on...

They're so, so, so so silly. I cannot express enough how much I freaking love them.

Also, Max has a bear motif. It just... It just stuck. I love him too (so does David HEHEHE)

As for Jasper...

His epiphet is "smoke", and he disappeared a long, long time ago. That's all I have for now!

Also this WIP, which I will probably never finish. Hehe.

[tflatte]

read max brooks’ devolution the other day, which was A Thing to do right before bed. i liked it though!

it’s a horror novel in similar style to world war z, where some of it is interviews with various peoples, and most of it is the journal of one of the people living in a microcommunity designed and built by tech guys(six word horror story) to be eco-friendly and self-sustaining, except it’s on the slopes of mt rainier and when it erupts, even though they’re out of immediate danger, they’re cut off from things like drone grocery supplies and the internet they need to call for help. which might have worked out okay, except the eruption drove a troop of bigfoots from their usual home. the subtitle of the book is “a firsthand account of the rainier sasquatch massacre” so you can guess how that goes for everyone

spoilers and thoughts under the cut

i was kind of leery about it after i read the free sample off kindle, so it’s been a solid few weeks between reading that and reading the rest of the book, but eventually i decided i can finish it fast enough for a refund if it sucks. the sample was basically the intro to all the characters and, since i was interpreting it as a slasher intro, i will admit i was primed to hate everyone. you have the conflict-avoidant protagonist kate and her useless husband dan, tony the tech guy who designed the place and his “guru” wife yvette, a vegan foodie couple bobbi and vincent, a philosopher, reinhardt, a lesbian psychologist couple, carmen and effie, and their adopted daughter palomino who escaped the rohingya genocide, and mostar, an older woman who’s a sculptor working in a 3D printer. the only people i didn’t hate in the first chapter were palomino, who i was sad about presumably being in the massacre, and mostar, who people were jerks to

tony and yvette were…exactly what that description makes you think they were like. kate went all crushy over tech guy right away and wrote about guru in that annoying “ohhh she’s so BEAUTIFUL and NICE i haaaate her” way. foodie couple…eh. boring and annoying. i don’t even remember their intro. they turn out to be Those kinds of vegans that think animals are all sweet innocent harmless creatures. philosopher was pretentious. there was some hinting that carmen was emotionally abusive, but that never went anywhere? i don’t know if we’re expected to assume that the life-or-death situation improves their relationship like it does for kate and dan. also they gave their daughter a “placeholder” name so she could change it in the future if she wanted. which is fine as a concept but it felt weird that there’s never any mention that she probably had a name before? she’s mostly nonverbal throughout the book so it’s possible that she was never able to tell anyone her original name though. also the placeholder is “palomino” because of how her only possession when she was adopted was a book about horses.

anyway, i was disappointed that the free sample didn’t even mention any ~weird noises in the woods~ but once the volcano erupted things started moving faster. mostar immediately starts prepping for the long haul of being cut off and everyone is like “oh she’s ~crazy~ of course we’ll be reconnected and back to normal super soon” but she is the only person with a brain. tony is like “oh it’s fine we have water and power and heat and yes the volcano erupted but we’re fine and yes we can’t contact the outside world and the satellite radio is saying things are bad but they’re totally not don’t even worry about it” and yvette is alternately spouting bullshit crystal-healing slogans about ~connection~ and ~healing~ and playing social mind games to maintain control. like it feels as if they could’ve turned things into a cult if it wasn’t for getting cut off from supplies. they absolutely feel like people who could have manipulated their ~micro-eco-community~ into total obedience given enough time. they’re already isolated enough to make it work even before the eruption

everyone else in this story is SO FUCKING STUPID about wildlife. like carmen and effie are encouraging pal to hand-feed a random deer apples when they are cut off from getting any food from outside. a literal fucking mountain lion nearly eats pal and mostar chases it off with a homemade spear and yvette starts screaming at her about “it was just scared! how could you hurt it! you provoked it!” despite knowing it was bigfoots breaking into the compost bins, mostar tells everyone that it was a bear so they’ll actually listen but bobbi gets So Offended when she asks if anyone has bear spray and they decide to spread the compost in the fucking woods for the “bears” to eat! no brains! not one! they actually say that bears aren’t aggressive! they are when they’re fucking hungry because a fucking volcano exploded and drove all the food away! then kate and dan get bigfoot footage and prove to everyone that that’s what’s around and they’re like “no this is good most apes are herbivores! maybe they’re friendly! no we’ve never heard any of the seven million cautionary tales about not treating any wildlife, particularly apes, like harmless pets!”

if you hadn’t guessed, the most prevalent theme in this book is “nature is not nice” with a side order of “being too dependent on tech will fuck you over when that tech fails.”

mostar is the best character in the book tbh. she lived in a warzone that she never names but references a lot of things she learned there. including the sniper trick the bigfoots try. as mentioned, she is the only one to have a brain when the plot starts and drags everyone else kicking and screaming into growing one too. except tony and yvette. like a third of the way into the book they go and hole up in their house and proceed to have complete mental breakdowns, then get eaten. as you do. but they’re still terrible so it’s still satisfying. although it’s hinted that part of tony’s might be that he saw or even got chased by a bigfoot. but since he was trying to abandon everyone and save his own ass, it’s not like you work up much sympathy for him

the bigfoots are led by a scarred matriarch ruling what seems to be at least mostly her own family group, which was a touch i liked and made her being dubbed the “alpha” much more tolerable. also the fact that it’s not like kate is the kind of person who’d know more than the most mainstream nature stuff. also the bigfoots appear to be either human-level intelligent or close to it. on top of hurting one human to try to lure the others into a rescue, there’s a moment where one seems to be holding pal hostage(it doesn’t work. effie literally rips the bigfoot’s throat out with her teeth), and it’s speculated that alpha destroying kate’s garden and leaving a pile of dung in the middle might be spite. a very human motivation. kate seems pretty convinced that they’re capable of reason. so that made it a little weird towards the end when “zoo fees” are mentioned in the context of bigfoots. like i appreciated that it wasn’t going to be the standard government coverup angle. the book speculated that the government is planning to reveal the proof when the disaster relief is handled and attract a bunch of tourism based on bigfoots. admittedly primates aren’t especially one of my areas of interest but the way the bigfoots act strikes me as at least smart enough to cause a lot of debate on whether it’s ethical to keep them in captivity, even if they aren’t fully as intelligent as humans.

speaking of the lure, i think that was the most effectively scary part. besides the conceptual horror of them being smart enough to do that(and, you know, the idea of suffering through it), there’s a short but really effective passage that leads you to the slow realization of what alpha is waving at the humans and, therefore, exactly what happened to vincent. terrifying

i also really enjoyed the narrative foils of kate and alpha. maybe that’s not the right word for it but whatever that mirroring they have going on is. how alpha seems to recognize kate as the protagonist/the biggest threat/the enemy alpha. alpha destroying the garden in spite rather than taking the opportunity to kill kate after the burn. kate leading the desecration of alpha’s mate’s body to begin the real fight, alpha killing dan, kate killing alpha. it’s good.

even though she dies for it effie literally ripping juno’s throat out with her teeth to save pal is so fucking cool

i was very glad pal survived, at least potentially. i’m naturally biased in favor of the humans, but i liked the part of the ending where kate’s brother theorizes that maybe nobody’s found her and pal because they decided to hunt down the surviving bigfoots and may even still be out there, tracking the survivors to find other troops and living off bigfoot meat. fuck ‘em up.

[silvia7272]

1 ~ My ‘Lying’ Prologue

You won’t believe how I had tried to write how Marinette was going to meet Rosina but then I started writing more and more ML-Class Salt and I couldn’t stop myself. It was quite enjoyable so I thought this would be a good place to start. This is how the class first started to become salty. You better grab some popcorn; you can hold the salt cause I’ve got plenty down here.

Word Count: 2094

***

Collège Françoise Dupont had always been a place Marinette had enjoyed going to. Besides fashion, baking and music, she loved hanging out with her friends.

She loved being friends with Alya and helping her with all her Ladyblog stuff as much as she could, talking to her about her dreams and aspirations had been a great past time.

She loved Rose with how honest she was towards her feelings.

She loved Juleka and how she was better at overcoming her shyness.

She loved Alix with her art and amazing roller-skating.

She loved Mylène with how passionate she was about what she believed in.

She loved hanging out with all her female friends, they had tried to help her with so many ridiculous schemes to confess her love to Adrien it was too many to count, but they stood by her side always.

She… Could tolerate Sabrina, and Chloé to an extent, she knew they held a close friendship and didn’t want to disturb it. And Chloé… Was Chloé. They tried not to get in each others way too often.

She loved Nino and his passion for music, his DJ skills were great, she was sure he could become famous in no time.

She loved being able to offer encouragement and support to Nathaniel and Marc, each of their comics looked so cool she couldn’t wait to read it.

She loved being friends with Kim, they had been ever since Kindergarten. His crazy bets were bound to excite her after school each day.

She loved Max and always playing games like Ultimate Mecha Strike III, and totally beating him by the way.

She loved Ivan for how sweet he could be when he tried to show his feelings for Mylène.

And she loved… Loved Adrien.

He was kind. Pushover

Generous. Pitied

Caring. Traitor

Forgiving. Afraid of repercussions

.

.

.

But she ruined it.

She had claimed so many tales that the others lapped up at any mention of fame.

She had strung every last one of her classmates along like sheep and cattle.

She had changed so much in the school, she was excluded to the back in her class, away from everyone else. And when Marinette had tried to expose her?

She had turned it all around.

She had threatened her, enough for an Akuma to be sent her way in the bath stall.

She had bid her time, waiting until people truly believed her, until she enacted on her plan to ‘Dethrone the Princess of the school’

She had first started with little remarks about the bluenette, ones that didn’t seem overly malicious as she couldn’t start out too big right?

She had to make sure they grew in size as an appropriate time passed on. And soon… It had worked.

She had… Turned everyone against her.

***

She remembered when she had come into class that exact morning, because she was late everyone had already taken their seats.

The moment she had entered the classroom all heads turned to her.

“Sorry, Mlle Bustier I had to err- um-” To her surprise, she held a hard glare at the girl. Actually, everyone did.

“That’s enough excuses Marinette, I should send you to the Principal after everything that’s happened” Mlle Bustier announced, shocking the girl.

“What but I-?” She wasn’t able to finish.

“I thought we were friends Marinette, but now you say I could never be an Olympian?”

“Or you thought my voice was painful for anyone within ear reach to listen to!”

“Or I should always be covered in any pictures ever taken because I’m such an eyesore!”

“Or I’ll never be anything in the music industry. How dare you lie to me all these years dude!?” The stray of accusations pointed to the girl were almost enough to make her cry… Almost.

“How could you!? I thought you ‘supported me’, but now I see that you’ve always been a deceitful manipulative liar!” Her former Best Friend held so much anger in her eyes as angry tears stained her cheeks.

“But I- I would never say that! You have to believe me, who told you?” Marinette pleaded. No, Alya was her best friend, there was no way she wouldn’t believe her. Right?

“From someone a lot more trustworthy, Lila told us all of your dirty little secrets. She couldn’t bear to keep the truth from us, even after you threatened her in the bathroom where no one else was there. That’s low Marinette, even for you! Just because you want Adrien all to yourself, Lila doesn’t even like him that way! How could you be such a jerk!” She stared in shock than anger as she looked at the liar.

“Why would you lie about all of this Lila, how could you?” Lila faked her cries as she covered her eyes.

“I had to tell them the truth, I knew you hated me, but I couldn’t stand by any longer and let you lie to everyone, I appreciate every one of my friends. I don’t care if you hate me more”

“If this is because you’re jealous forget it! That’s no excuse for doing this Marinette!” Alix yelled, she winced, even Alix? But she had always been so loyal.

‘Loyalty only goes so far’ She thought sadly.

“That was a brave thing to do Lila. Marinette apologise right now to Lila at once! I thought you were a good example for the class, not turn into a bully!”

“But she’s lying-” She got cut off.

“Not another word or you’ll be going home” Mlle Bustier warned.

“But!”

“Marinette this is your last warning!” She lowered her head and walked to the back as all the students glared at her, except for one.

***

Marinette sneaked off to the lockers. She couldn’t even cry, or she’d be turned into an Akuma, and nobody would want that.

Because she was Ladybug.

Soon you won’t have any friends left at all. Trust me.

You will lose your friends and wind up all alone.

“She was right, she really did turn everyone against me. I really am alone” She exhaled a shaky breath and before Tikki could comfort her the door opened.

“Marinette. There you are. I was wondering where you ran off to?”

‘Adrien, Adrien’s really here. He knows I’m telling the truth; he must be here to help me’ That was the last nice thought she had about him.

“Adrien I-”

“Marinette we talked about this, exposing her isn’t the right thing to do, what if she had become Akumatized in front of the whole class?” He held a disapproving gaze, one that shocked Marinette.

“But she really was lying, if I don’t say anything now, everyone truly will hate me for something I never did.”

“But we both know you’re strong enough already Marinette you’re our ‘Everyday Ladybug’. I know you can hold out from any Akuma until her lies are uncovered”

“Adrien what about my friends, they all think I said all of this stuff even though it's untrue”

“I’m sure if you do more nice things they’ll turn around in the end” She still looked unsure, so Adrien carried on.

“They’ll forgive and you’ll forget, then after everything, we’ll all be friends again. You’re strong enough already, I know a bit of solitude won’t hurt you. At least you aren’t always stuck in your room with no one to talk to. If you just take the high road and don’t rock the boat everything will turn out alright in the end, we’ll all be happy and forgive everyone for their mistakes. We may even forgive Lila. Ok? I’ll stand by you as well”

She wanted to say no, desperately wanted to. That this wasn’t fair on her, that she had only done what was right, that the truth should come out now.

But… This was Adrien, and her last friend.

So… She took his advice.

But he didn’t keep his promise.

***

After that day, she tried to follow his advice. She tried to get all of her friends to like her again. She made macarons and croissants, cakes and pastries for them all to try, she spent some nights staying up all night to perfect her recipes she was sure the class would like, even… Lila.

But Lila had been ‘specifically allergic’ to hers even if Marinette overheard how ‘lemon’ was her favourite.

So, they threw them all away.

She had tried to design and give homemade bags and controller skins to them, but Lila didn’t like the material even if she knew part of her outfit held the exact same material.

So, they threw them all away.

Her final straw had been when she had made so many class trips to Theme Parks, Museums, Gaming Centres, Conventions. As Class President, she had to be the one in charge of trips as the teachers were ‘too busy’ instead. She tried to include everyone's interest and so far it worked. They had absolutely loved the idea of it, claimed it would be the best time of their lives. There were so many praises being thrown around the girl thought.

‘Finally, they’ll see I want us to be friends again. We’ll all go out to meals and movies like before. They’ll apologise and we can be like we were before she came. We can plot and have me and Adrien together-’

“Wow Lila, it was so cool you got us the tickets for the last anime convention. I thought they ran out of them last I checked?” Nathaniel asked while studying the tickets, he had always wanted to go but thought the class wouldn’t want to do something like this but he was surprised, she had told him otherwise, just like she had told him to get rid of Marc, after all in Lila’s words ‘he was limiting your potential’

Marinette remembered him crying in the locker room with no one around, she had been the only one there to comfort and successfully stop an Akumatization from happening.

“Well you see when you know a family friend who actually works in this industry you get so many free passes”

‘What?’

“It's just a pity that Marinette was repulsed by the idea of all of us going. She said it was the stupidest thing she had ever heard and that I was such a loser to ever think of it in the first place. And the fact that she made me do all of the work, how could she be Class President?” The class glared at her, and each insulted her, even if it was her idea.

But when she looked over to see the familiar blond boy.

The sweet, blond who had promised would be there for her…

…Turned to look the other way.

Don’t rock the boat Marinette

I’ll stand by you as well

He lied.

Just like she had done.

Just like… Lila.

It shouldn’t have been surprising; he was a major pushover when it came to friends and his Father. When Chloé and Adrien were friends she could step all over him and he wouldn’t say a word, but had he really done anything for her?

Not really.

Huh, it seemed ironic, the one who hated liars had become a liar.

Marinette had lost her crush on Adrien after that.

She stopped talking to him after that.

He didn’t even talk to her, he was always too ‘busy’.

With all of the class trips happening she had been forgotten.

“Oopsie the times wrong, we go at 9, not 8”

She lied.

“Mlle Bustier? Marinette told me she couldn’t afford this trip and to take her off the form, she didn’t want to do it herself because she wanted to go for free”

She lied!

“How could you Marinette!? You know I have a fear of waterfalls, my Aunt fell down one last year, I had to spend months in the hospital by her side waiting for her to wake up.”

Why couldn’t anyone see she was lying!?

But it didn’t matter.

She didn’t have anyone else.

She had lost all her friends.

She had lost her crush.

She had lost the title of Class President, which was then given to the liar. Even when Chloé was Class President they never had a Re-Election because it would be unfair.

She got her way.

And she had lost everything.

.

.

.

Collège Françoise Dupont had always been a place Marinette had enjoyed going to. Besides fashion, baking and music, she loved hanging out with her friends.

…

Not anymore.

***

I really hope I did this right. And I hope I made up for the salt compared to the last one, I really hope it’s pouring with salt. Anyway, I hope you like this and hopefully the next one you’ll see the introduction of Marinette and Rosina. And just as a fun fact, I used 94 she’s in this, amazing huh. Not including that one by the way.

[glam-apollo]

Title: Mr. Yellow Dies

Fandom: Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency

Summary: When Jane Oliver approaches Dirk Gently's Holistic Agency about a murder she thinks might have happened years ago without any clues, evidence, or even a victim, the agency quickly agrees to take the case. Dirk, Farah, and Todd find themselves at the Oliver family's Halloween party while investigating and have to participate in the family's Halloween tradition: the murder mystery party game. Will solving this fictional murder help them uncover anything about the real crime they're investigating, or is just a distraction from the actual case? And who died, anyways?

Written for the Halloween @dghdabigbang! @browneyes-asiandragon made some lovely artwork accompanying the story so please go check it out! It’s really amazing!

I’ve included the fic on here but you can also read it on ao3 if preferred.

~

Mr. Yellow Dies

Knock! Knock! Knockity-Knock!

There was a pause before the sound of footsteps could be heard coming from inside the house. The front door creaked open. The man opening the front door was tall, well-built, with dark hair that flopped nicely over his forehead. He smiled at the trio that stood on his doorstep but his eyes betrayed confusion. "Can I help you? You seem a bit old for trick or treating."

Todd Brotzman looked at the man standing next to him out of the corner of his eyes. What were the three of them doing there? They certainly were an odd trio--Holmes, Watson, and a Care Bear, all a good fifteen years too old to be ringing doorbells asking for candy. What was his plan? He'd been vague as ever on the way over, assuring Todd that it was a party, a party for the case, and everyone loved parties, now, didn't they? So come along! 

The whole ordeal had started with a simple statement. “I’ve been invited to a party twice,” Dirk Gently announced to his friends proudly in their agency’s office. “And, as much as I’d like to think this shows I’ve come far in my social standing, I’m afraid there will be no possible way for me to attend this party twice at the same time.”

"Two invites?" Farah Black said. “You got two invites to the Olivers' Halloween party?”

“Indeed I did, Farah!” Dirk said. 

Todd set down the files he had been sifting thru. “How’d you manage that?”

“My natural charms and talents, of course,” Dirk said, pretending to be offended. “Geez, Todd.”

"What’s the plan, then? I don’t want to sit around, waiting for a report of two party-crashers getting shot." Farah pursed her lip. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Todd said. “I’ll stay back.”

"Au, contraire!" Dirk said. "Farah will be accepting my invitation from Jane. I will be going with my invite from Lenny. And Todd will be going as my date."

"Right, okay," Farah shrugged.

"What?" Todd said.

That had been five days ago. Since then it had been a flurry of finding costumes, Dirk obsessively dragging Todd and Farah into any Halloween themed store he could find, arguing he hardly ever went to parties, much less costume parties, so they should indulge him. Todd secretly thought that it was very likely Dirk had a long streak of elaborate costume parties from his days back in England, but he held his tongue. Seeing Dirk delighted by styrofoam coffins and confused by slutty fireman costumes was worth keeping his own suspicions withheld.

In the end, Dirk had somehow managed to convince Todd that a Sherlock-Watson duo costume was a good idea. “You see,” he pointed out, “no one would suspect actual detectives to dress as detectives for Halloween! That would be absurd.” Todd agreed that, yes, it would be absurd. Dirk bought him a bowler hat anyways. 

Farah had been quietly indecisive about her costume all month. Todd hadn’t been sure what she’d go as--she’d shown interest in a variety of things, from a champion scuba diver she said was a childhood hero to the main character of the action novels she’d been obsessively reading during downtime in the office. In the end, she ended up with a Care Bears onesie Tina had lent her after, from what Todd understood, a very long phone call about how stressful Halloween was and a subsequent long drive to Bergsberg on the 30th. 

Back at the front door, Dirk smiled at the man questioning them. The man was quite handsome, with a square jaw and tough cheekbones. Almost too classically handsome, Todd thought to himself. But it worked with his costume--some variation on Dracula--which became apparent when he opened his mouth and showed off his tiny fangs.

"Max Oliver?" Dirk asked confidently.

"Yes," the man said, eyebrows raised, fangs revealed in the O his mouth formed. "And you are?"

"Dirk Gently," he said, pushing the front of his deerstalker cap out of his face. "I was invited by Lenny. This is my date, Todd, and this is the lovely Farah Black, who was invited by Jane."

"I've never seen any of you before in my life," Max admitted. "I didn't know guests could invite guests, either."

"It would be a bit awkward to send Todd home now, wouldn't it?" Dirk said pointedly.

"Dirk," Todd groaned.

"No, I mean, I didn't realize Lenny could invite guests," Max said, shaking his head. "Although, I suppose he's never really been one to follow our family's ideals."

"Is that so!" Dirk said, giving his friends a pointed look.

Max nodded. "It isn't my place, of course, but I consider him an outsider to our family." Max stared up and down at the three of them, as if to make a point that they were even more outsiders than Lenny. After a beat, he sighed and opened the door for them. "You might as well come in. I’ll at least give Mother the final call on you three."

Dirk smiled and gave his companions a thumbs up before walking into the house after Max. Todd and Farah followed, Todd already regretting his itchy costume, Farah already regretting her lack of weaponry. 

Max led them into a lounge where five other people sat around in couches and chairs, chatting quietly to themselves. Todd only recognized one of them--Jane Oliver, their client. She was the reason they were here in the first place, the reason the case had been opened. She was small both in size and presence, the youngest of the three Oliver siblings, still in her teens. She was wearing a mostly plain, long red dress, which Todd assumed must be some sort of Princess--Princess Bride? Cinderella? Sleeping Beauty? He hadn't the slightest clue.

Jane was sitting next to an older woman, presumably her mother, the infamous Cordelia Oliver. Cordelia was the owner of the local community theater and a force to be reckoned with. She had lost some of her dazzle with the passing of her husband, Jules. Jules Oliver had been her partner in the theater, her partner in their home, her partner on the stage. Losing him meant she had lost love. Yet none of her fierceness faded; if anything, it grew into a strong and steady resentment towards the world and life itself.

Dirk smiled at two men sitting on the couch opposite Cordelia and Jane. "Lenny! Daniel!" he said. Daniel Oliver was the middle child of the family. College-aged and somewhat unmotivated, he was a stand out in his family of determined extroverts. His boyfriend, Lenny Anderson, seemed to represent everything the rest of the family couldn't stand about Daniel and worse. His lazy nature, lack of care for anything, inability to make and hold commitments annoyed the Olivers on the best of days. Lenny couldn’t keep a job, stay on a major, anything. At least he made Daniel happy.

Max flocked to a woman standing alone by the bookshelf. Adrianna Waye. She was the star in most of the local theater productions and Max's fiancé. She was gorgeous, elegant, and, by all accounts, extremely unpleasant to be around. Cordelia loved her.

Farah and Dirk had been doing most of the research on the family, while Todd had been going back and tracing old case files, trying to find a crime or a missing person or an unsolved murder that would otherwise connect with the case. He hadn't found anything, not anything they could confirm at least. Todd reflected on how this had all started. Jane Oliver had stumbled into the agency one day, clutching a yellowed composition notebook and trembling a bit, explaining that she had seen a crime, a murder, as a child. She had blacked it out and forgotten it until now, but going back through her diaries, she had found her recounting of the crime. It was dark, she explained, so she couldn't really tell them who or what. She thought it was a man--or maybe a boy. It was someone with a small build, and they were attacking another person brutally. She couldn't remember what happened after that, just terror, sheer terror.

They had a murder to solve. With no evidence of the murder having actually happened besides a child's diary. No suspects, no victims, nothing. Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency gladly took the case.

The crime had taken place in the backyard of this family property, Halloween ten years ago, when Jane was only six. At least, she said, according to her diary. Her memories of that Halloween were all jumbled--something about her family, lots of yelling, some sort of dispute. And the crime, the attack that she could only remember that she forgot.

"Max?" Cordelia asked. "Who are our other new guests?"

"I don't know, Mother," Max answered evenly. "Why don't you ask Lenny? Or Jane?"

Cordelia narrowed her eyes and focused her gaze on Lenny. "Leonard?"

"Geezy, m'am," Lenny sighed. "I invited Dirk here as a plus one."

"You're already a plus one!" she shrieked. "And what about these other two?"

"Todd is my plus-one!" Dirk chirped.

"A plus one can't invite another plus one who invites his own plus one!"

"Ah," Dirk said quickly, "but wouldn't me having invited my own plus one make us our own set of guests?"

"Daniel, do you know these men?" Cordelia demanded.

"A bit," Daniel said without looking up from his phone.

"And what about this woman? Who the hell is she?"

"Ah," Jane said softly. "Mother, I invited her." After Dirk had determined who was accepting what invitation, they had reached out to Jane to tell her about Farah, not wanting there to be any mix up. They had decided on a brief backstory and that was that.

"Who is she?" Cordelia demanded.

"She's a school tutor. She tutors me and some of my friends in the library," Jane answered evenly. Todd wondered if they should at all be concerned about what ease and grace their client was able to lie through their teeth. But really, he thought, that was what they were all doing. They had no reason to be at that party.

Cordelia Oliver knew that.

She was a queen surveying her kingdom, and she was not pleased with what she saw. Todd felt himself holding his breath, ready to be kicked out at any second. To his surprise, she sighed, deciding this battle was not worth fighting today. "Fine," she said. "You can stay. You're lucky the party kit I bought comes with extra characters."

"Party Kit?" Todd said, feeling any ounce of relief of not being kicked out dissipate.

The Olivers had a tradition, a tradition that went back for at least the last eight years, maybe more. They would every Halloween have a murder mystery themed party. They would purchase a "party kit," either from an online retailer, or, some years when they felt particularly excited, commissioned from a friend. The kit would give each guest at the party a character and a few clues. In the course of three rounds they would develop their characters, discover and investigate a "murder," and have the murderer finally revealed in the third and final round. It was truly perfect for a family of actors, though as the kids grew up and her husband passed away, it was something Cordelia clung onto more than anyone else. The schitick was getting old. But she wouldn't let go.

Cordelia started passing out envelopes with character names on them. "You all know how the game goes," she said, a stage voice taking over, complete with pause for dramatic effect. "Tonight, one of us will die. Tonight, one of us will kill. Tonight, we will all solve a murder." Jane looked white as a sheet hearing her mother's words and looked to Dirk. Dirk smiled back at her reassuredly.

"We have a few extra guests tonight," Cordelia continued, handing an envelope to Adrianna and another one to Max. "Let us hope they survive the night."

"God, Mother," Daniel said, continuing to focus on Candy Crush rather than the manila envelope he'd been slipped. "There's no need to be so melodramatic."

Cordelia paused and looked at him with stony eyes. "Tonight," she said, "we are all actors. Whether we like it or not." Lenny smiled at his boyfriend encouragingly, reminding him it wouldn't be too bad. Daniel glared back at him. He knew this tradition far too well and was not pleased to put on a performance for his mother’s sake.

"Great!" Dirk said, happily accepting his envelope. "So, how does the game work exactly?"

"There are three rounds," Max said, walking away from the wall to behind the sofa his mother sat at. "Round one, we all open our envelope and look at our character and the clues we are given. We mingle as the characters, deciding whether or not we want to share our clues with the others."

"Round two!" Cordelia jut in. "Someone will have instructions telling them they will 'die.' After their 'death' occurs we will have another round in which to mingle and see if we can discover which of us might've had the motive to 'kill.'"

"I feel as though we've grown out of this, mother," Daniel said. "It's just glorified Mafia. When will you give it up already?"

"I find it very fun, Daniel," Cordelia snapped. "It's the least you could do for your poor mother."

Daniel sighed.

"And what about the third round?" Farah asked lightly.

"Third round, we open this envelope," Cordelia said, holding up an envelope that. Unlike the manila ones she had handed out, was a deep red. "It has the answers in it. Then we will find out who was right and who was wrong and who was the killer."

"What a dreadful and yet surprisingly delightful game!" Dirk enthused. Cordelia narrowed her eyes at him.

"Quite," she said. "Now, let the games begin."

Everyone began opening their envelopes. Todd ripped the top off of his, wondering how this was in any way going to help them solve the case. Had Dirk known they were going to play this game? He gave Farah a look, who seemed just as lost as him. She shrugged and went back to reviewing the papers from in her envelope.

Todd reviewed his envelope. He was playing as a character called “Mr. Red,” an older gentleman who was a banker. The only clues he was given was that he suspected Mr. Yellow, one of his bank’s employees, of fraud, and that his character saw Madame Orange and Mrs. Indigo discussing something in hushed voices on his way home from work one day. Todd grimaced. They were really about to play live-action Clue.

"Todd." Todd jumped up in surprise as Dirk slipped up next to him. "You know I'm not one for a classical approach," Dirk said, keeping his voice hushed, "but I must admit this situation compels oneself to do some very non-holistic detecting."

"Wouldn't the fact that the situation has arisen at all make it holistic?" Todd pointed out.

"Ah! Great assisting, Todd, or should I say," Dirk looked down at Todd's papers and then back up at him with a pleasant smile, "Mr. Red."

"You're excited for this, aren't you?"

"Quite! But seriously, Todd. Please consider trying to use this as an opportunity to ask key questions that seem like they're about the game but are actually about our investigation."

"Dirk, we still barely have any idea of what we're investigating," Todd sighed.

"Having time set aside to mingle and interrogate should help then!" he replied before disappearing into the room.

"Let round one," announced Cordelia Oliver, "begin!"

Todd sighed, feeling out of his depth. He looked around the room, seeing that people had already begun to talk quietly and exchange clues amongst themselves. The one person left by themselves besides Todd at this point was Daniel Oliver.

Todd sat down next to him. "Sherlock abandoned you, ey, Watson?" Daniel asked, raising an eyebrow but looking otherwise completely disinterested in the appearance of a new person in his vicinity.

Todd laughed nervously. "Dirk? Ah. Well. He's playing the game, same as all of us." He swallowed. "So... what's your character?"

"Mr. Maroon," Daniel said with a slight roll of his eyes.

"I'm Mr. Red," Todd said.

"Practically the same names," Daniel complained. "I know there aren't that many colors in the rainbow, but they could've come up with a better theme. Colors? Mysteries? Incredibly overdone, if you ask me."

"You'd know better than myself," Todd said.

Daniel snorted. "I know far too well. Do you want my clues?"

"Sure," Todd said. "Are you just supposed to give them to people like that?"

"Not if you want the game to be harder," Daniel said. "But I'd rather this be done as quickly as possible. So my character doesn't trust Mr. Yellow or Mrs. Grey."

"I also suspect Mr. Yellow," Todd admitted.

"And it's supposed to be a mystery." Daniel shook his head.

"You've done a lot of these, then?" Todd said.

"Every year. Since what feels like forever. Mother has gotten persistently more annoying about it since Dad died." Daniel looked resentful. "She can't let go of it."

"That must be hard for your family," Todd said.

"Maybe for them," Daniel replied evenly. "I'm glad he's dead."

“Oh.” Todd said. "You don't feel like you're one of them, then?"

"No. I don't want to act. I don't want to be the center of attention. All of them are hardworking attention whores. I truly feel like this tradition is the pinnacle of that. It makes me feel sick."

Todd felt his stomach curl in an uncomfortable way. "You should be careful," he said.

Daniel rolled his eyes. "What, are you going to impart some wise-wisdom on me? I don't care. I don't even know you."

"You're right," Todd said, trying to ignore the feeling that he needed to get Daniel off of the track he was on, lest he fall into the same self-destructive hole of lies that Todd did when he was his age.

"I'm sure you think I'm ungrateful and selfish. But they're cruel to me. And they don't like Lenny either."

"No?"

"No. They hate him even more than me. If I'm a black sheep, he's an entirely different animal to them."

"Five more minutes of round one!" Cordelia shouted from across the room.

Todd stood up from the couch awkwardly. "I should talk to some more people," he said. "Nice to see you, Mr. Maroon."

Daniel rolled his eyes.

Todd wandered around the room, trying to find someone else to talk to, and eventually ended up tapping the shoulder of Adriana Waye, who had been standing by herself in the corner of the room. She flinched and then turned around, her bright green eyes first looking a bit surprised and then totally disengaged.

"I'm Ms. Grey," she said. "I'm Madame Orange’s maid, working for her and her daughter, Mrs. Indigo, and her son-in-law, Mr. Yellow. And you?"

"I'm Mr. Red," he replied. "Uh... I'm a banker."

"The bank owner?" she said quickly. "The man who owns the bank Mr. Yellow works at?"

"I think so," he said.

"Hmm," she said, and Todd got a very distinct feeling that she did not like him at all, although he could not tell if the impression came from her acting or real judgement she was imparting on him.

"I, uh... I think Mr. Yellow is committing bank fraud," Todd said lamely, looking at his notes.

"Would you kill him if he was?" she said, her blue eyes hard and intense.

"What?" Todd said, shrinking back.

"In the game,” she said, her gaze softening slightly. “Obviously.”

"Oh," Todd said. "Wouldn't it be strange for me to suspect myself? I mean, wouldn't that kind of defeat the point?" He paused. "And we don't know Mr. Yellow is going to be the one to die, yet!"

Adrianna looked across the room at Max. "Mr. Yellow is certainly going to be the one to die," she said. "You’ll see."

"How do you know?"

"It's the way these games always work," she said. "God, who invited you again? Have you really never done this before?" Todd shook his head and Adrianna looked exasperated. "Cordelia should've kicked you out."

Todd didn't have a good argument for that. He coughed nervously, feeling weirdly squeamish looking at her dark grey eyes. "So what are your clues?"

She looked absolutely done with him. "You cannot ask me for my clues as yourself. You need to discuss the situation with Ms. Grey as Mr. Red."

"I guess I misunderstood," he said. "You really enjoy the acting part of this, huh?"

"It's a good thing I do," she said. "I'm our theater's biggest star for a reason."

"Cordelia likes you a lot, then?"

Adrianna shrugged. "She likes me. And she loves Max. And Max loves me. It all works out."

"One minute left!" Cordelia shouted. 

Adrianna looked irritated. "I really spent some of my time talking with you, huh?" she said, stalking off before Todd could answer.

Todd slouched, taking a deep breath, looking around the room before making eye contact with Farah and meeting her across the room. "I'm Dr. Violet," Farah explained. "I’m Madame Orange’s physician. And you?"

"Mr. Red," he said. "They seem like an awfully happy family, don't they?"

"Mr. Yellow and Mrs. Indigo? Or the Olivers?"

"The latter. Although the former might be true, too, I'm having a hard time keeping up."

She nodded. "Fictionally and factually miserable in both cases. I have a good feeling about our case, though."

"Yeah?"

"I was talking to Jane. She's sweet, you know? And I think we're very close to cracking the case."

"She didn't do it, though. Right?"

"Oh--no. No. But I think someone here did."

"That doesn't exactly make me feel incredibly comfortable being a party crasher here."

"That's the end of round one!" Cordelia shouted.

Dirk noticed Farah and Todd talking together and walked over to them enthusiastically. "Well!" he announced. "I'm not sure what I just learned, but I definitely learned something, which will definitely help solve one, if not two, cases! It's true one has a bit more importance to it, but I'd like to think that in solving our fictional case we'll solve--"

Dirk was cut off by a loud scream from across the room. Max Oliver let out another large cry, holding his hand to his chest, before having his knees buckle underneath him, falling down on his knees, letting out a final sob before collapsing on the floor.

"Oh my god," Farah said.

Cordelia walked over to where her son lay sprawled across the floor and then looked up across the others in the room. "A murder," she said. "Has been committed. Mr. Yellow is dead." Adrianna gave Todd a pointed looking from across the room, her hazel eyes piercing. Todd looked away.

"How ghastly," Dirk said with some enthusiasm. "What a wonderful performance."

Max sat up from his place on the floor and beamed. "Thank you," he said, fangs sticking out.

"Now, for round two," Cordelia announced. "Max will not be able to participate. You must talk amongst yourselves and try to discover which one of you is the killer. We will have ten minutes. Let round two... begin!"

"Alright," Todd said. "I suppose we should get back to mingling..." He looked over to see Dirk's eyebrows furrowed, deep in thought. "Dirk?"

"Todd," he said quietly. "Farah. I have the strangest feeling the case of Mr. Yellow is much more tied to our case than we'd thought."

"How so?" Farah asked.

"I'm not quite sure," he said. "Let us try and discover who killed Mr. Yellow. And perhaps that will reveal it to us."

The three nodded and scattered across the room.

Todd found himself in the unfortunate position of being under the immediate scrutiny of Cordelia Oliver.

"I," she announced, "am Madame Orange. I'm afraid we've never had the chance of meeting before."

"Mr. Red," he said shortly. "Banker, Mr. Yellow's boss, I think."

"Ah, yes," she said, face sorrow clouding his face. "My son-in-law’s employer. Isn’t it tragic what has happened to Mr. Yellow?"

Actors, Todd thought, are insane.

"Right," Todd said. "Erm, do you have any idea who... killed him?"

His willingness to play along seemed to please Cordelia. She raised an eyebrow playfully. "I have some idea," she said. "He had a few enemies. I heard," she leaned in, her voice taking on a conspiratorial tone, "he owed some people money. Would you know anything about that? As the banker?"

"Oh," Todd said, trying to remember if he did. "Uh, no. I don't think I knew that. Although I..." he paused, grabbing his notes and looking them over. "I suspected him of committing some sort of fraud."

"Hmm!" she said. "Fraud at the bank isn't a good look for you. Do you think that could stir yourself to kill?"

"Uh--no?" Todd frowned. "I guess I don't know. Am I supposed to defend myself?"

Cordelia seemed disappointed at his breaking character. "It's up to you," she said tightly. "But if you've killed someone, we'll find out in the end, when we open the envelope with the answers to the case."

"Oh," he said. "Well--I guess I don't think Mr. Red, er, me, did it." He paused a beat. "And... why didn't you do it?" he asked, knowing giving Cordelia an excuse to talk should lighten her up.

"Mr. Yellow was my daughter Indigo’s husband! I loved him as if he were my own son. I wouldn’t lay a hand on him unless he did something to hurt my daughter.” 

"But what if he did?” Todd pointed out. He looked at his notes. “I saw you discussing something with Mrs. Indigo the day before his death. That doesn’t look particularly good for you, Madame Orange."

"You don't look unsuspicious yourself, Mr. Red. Although I don't think you killed Mr. Yellow."

"No?"

"No. You don't have it in you."

Cordelia turned on her heel and went away to talk to someone else, and Todd felt weirdly stung by her harsh assessment of his fictional banker self.

He wandered across the room, trying to find someone to talk to. He walked past Max and Adrianna who were talking in hushed tones in a language that didn't sound familiar to him. He decided not to interrupt them and turned around, nearly running into Jane Oliver.

"Oh dear," she said. "I am very sorry, Mr. Todd."

"It's okay!" he reassured her. "And tonight, I'm Mr. Red."

She nodded. "I'm Mrs. Indigo." She sighed. "I'm Mr. Yellow's wife, apparently. A bit awkward, I think, for several reasons."

Todd smiled. "Fair enough. I am--or was?--his employer at the bank. I suspected him of fraud. Would you know anything about that?"

"The only way Mr. Yellow was ever a fraud or a phoney was in real life, Mr. Red," she sighed, playing into her character lightly. "I do believe he was having the most awful affair with Mrs. Grey."

"I suppose that made your character--you, I mean--pretty upset."

"Yes." She sighed. "I think it's likely I did it. Or--Mr.s Grey’s husband, Mr. Maroon."

"It's kind of funny suspecting yourself."

"I think it makes the most sense," she said evenly, then in a lower voice, "thank you, by the way. Dirk said you and Farah have been invaluable in helping with..." She looked around. "...with a case."

Had he been helpful? Had any of them been helpful? Todd felt as though he was getting nowhere, stuck in a sludge of clues and names and characters and confusing bits in the middle. He wasn't sure he had done anything effective to help Jane Oliver. He thought about denying her claim, telling her to take it back, telling her that her impression wasn't true. But he swallowed it in his throat. Be nice, Todd.

"You're welcome," he said. "We're trying our best. To solve..." he paused, and added, feeling kind of silly, "...Mr. Yellow's murder." That made the girl laugh, which pleased him.

"Speaking of Dirk," Adrianna said, "here comes Mr. Green." Dirk approached the two of them, grinning brightly.

"Todd! Jane!" he addressed them both with enthusiasm. "I've got half a mind that this is going somewhere!"

"I sure hope so," Todd said.

"I'm glad you think that," Jane said with her shy smile. "I think I'm going to go try to talk to Adrianna." She made a face. "Tell me what you find, later?"  she asked Dirk.

"Of course," he promised, waving at her as she made her way across the room. "Todd!" he turned to Todd, his deerstalker hat flopping in front of his eyes. He pushed up the rim. "I think I've found out my motive for killing Mr. Yellow!"

"That's great, Dirk, but.... what? Do you think your character killed him?"

"Oh, no," he said quickly. "I'm Mr. Green, by the way, if I hadn't mentioned it to you. And I don't think it's awfully likely I am the killer, but I love my brother Mr. Maroon a lot, and his wife Mrs. Grey cheated on him with her employer Mr. Yellow!" Dirk sounded enthralled. "The way this game is played is absolutely fascinating, wouldn't you say? I think we should definitely buy one of these for the office during holidays."

"Dirk," Todd said, "there are three of us who work in the office. And... Mona sometimes. I don't think that's enough people."

Dirk frowned. "I guess not."

"Do you have any idea who actually killed Mr. Yellow? Or... about the other thing?"

"No," Dirk admitted. "Well, maybe. There's so many different threads in this game. And it's not exactly... how I do detecting. I think you or Farah would have a better idea, quite honestly. I’ve had a very fun time getting into character and developing Mr. Green, though. I wasn't given much, so I gave him a new profession! I've decided he works for the secret--"

"Dirk," Todd cut him off. "We need to focus. Right?"

Dirk looked a bit put out. "Can't hurt to have a bit of fun, too."

Todd backtracked. "Sure, of course, but I think we're running out of time to investigate--"

"End of round three!" Cordelia announced loudly. The chattering continued. "End! Of round three!" she holler. This time, a hush fell across the room.

"Everyone," she said, her voice commanding the space, "let's gather round in a circle and discuss our theories of who killed Mr. Yellow." She stood behind where Max sat on the couch and put her hands on his shoulders protectively. The party goers made their way to the couches and chairs situated in a nice circle around the coffee table. Once everyone had settled down, Cordelia smiled, although she continued to stand behind Max instead of sitting in the circle herself.

"If someone can say who killed Mr. Yellow and why, with certain accuracy, they win the game." Cordelia held up a bright magenta envelope. "Once everyone has given their input, we'll open the envelope and see who was really the killer. If you are accused of being the murderer, you may defend yourself if you think someone else has done it. Now who would like to start?"

Todd felt Dirk beside him tense in excitement. He wondered if this did have any connection to the case they were here to solve, or if it was a red herring, a detour that would eventually lead them somewhere completely different in order to actually solve the case.

"I'll start," said Adrianna. "I think Mrs. Indigo did it."

Jane frowned. “My character? I guess I don’t think it’s entirely impossible I did…”

“You found out Mr. Yellow was hiding some things from you,” Adrianna said. “Including his affair… with me, Mrs. Grey. So you killed him.”

“Jane?” Cordelia asked. “Do you have someone else you think could’ve done it?”

“I think Mr. Maroon would’ve had half a motive, for the same reason as I.”

“Leave me out of it,” Daniel groaned. “I think it was… uh…” He looked around the room, seemingly trying to pick someone else to become the scrutiny of the conversation. “Madame Orange. She found out Yellow cheated on her daughter.” He shrugged. “She’d be as mad as anyone else.”

Cordelia pursed her lips. “That’s assuming I even knew about the affair. Perhaps I didn't even know until he died! How would you know?”

“Everyone wanted to kill Mr. Yellow,” Dirk muttered to Todd.

“Madame Orange was angry after her check up with Dr. Violet before the murder happened,” Farah pointed out. “Although she didn’t say why. It could’ve been about the affair.”

“Everyone wanted to kill Mr. Yellow!” Dirk said again, sounding surprised. Todd looked at him and he grinned back. 

“I was upset because my gardener, Mr. Turquoise, had quit in a huff.”

“You fired me!” Lenny butted in. Todd realized he’d barely spoken to half of the people playing the game, feeling suddenly like he’d shown up for a test he hadn’t studied for. “And I certainly didn’t kill Mr. Yellow!”

“Alright,” said Cordelia. “But I deny that I did. I still find Mr. Maroon awfully suspicious.”

Daniel glowered at his mother. “If you won’t admit it, I’ll accuse someone else. Like….” He looked around the room. “...my brother. Mr. Green.”

Dirk smiled. “It could have been me,” he said. “I love my brother, Mr. Maroon. I found out Mr. Yellow was having an affair with his wife. And I felt this was an affront to my family. But I think we are focused much too narrowly on the what and the why. In fact,” he said. “I think we are far too focused on this game.”

“Too focused on the game?” Lenny said. “Isn’t that the point of the final round?”

“The point of the final round,” Dirk said confidently, “is to find out who killed Mr. Yellow and Max Oliver.”

“Oh,” Todd said softly. Dirk had solved it. 

“I am Mr. Yellow,” Max said.

"Exactly! So the question we have to answer," Dirk continued, "is who killed Max Oliver. I, of course, have my own theories, but I would like to share last. Mrs. Cordelia. I still find you a bit suspect. Why don't you tell us again why you aren't the killer?"

Cordelia stiffened in offense. "Why am I not the killer? You must be kidding me! I just went over this. I wouldn’t hurt my own son!"

"Ah, but perhaps Max wasn't the child you wanted. And neither was Daniel. And neither was Jane. You wanted a child who was a star, Mrs. Oliver. And you knew you'd never get that if you didn't intervene yourself."

Adrianna narrowed her eyes. "He knows this is a game, right? We aren’t our characters."

Dirk's eyes lit up. "Ah! And Adrianna Waye. What an interesting piece of this puzzle you are."

Adrianna shifted uncomfortably. "Don’t even bother accusing me of killing him. I was the one who was having an affair with him. I was one of his only allies. It wouldn’t make sense."

"No, you're right," Dirk agreed. "It wouldn’t make sense. Besides that, a lady such as yourself seems unlikely to get her hands dirty with murder." He paused. "She'd make someone else do it."

Adrianna turned to Max and laughed. "What is he talking about? This isn't connected to the game at all."

"You know what it's about--"

"Ah!" Farah cut in. "I have a theory. Did Lenny's character actually do it? Mr. Turquoise was Madame Orange’s gardener, so maybe he saw something at the house, like the affair. Blackmail gone wrong type situation."

Dirk nodded. "Lenny seems a bit suspicious, doesn't he?" He looped around the living room, ending behind Lenny's chair. "Lenny, what do you have to say to that?"

"I don't know,” Lenny said. “I don't think my character ever actually interacted Max, though, did he?"

"Exactly," Dirk said. "Lenny is too much of an outsider. He might not like Max, but there was no reason he would want to kill him. He wasn't even present at the crime scene. Now, Daniel, however..."

"Wouldn't it be my luck to pick the character who's the killer three years in a row?" Daniel sulked, shooting his mother a look.

"Of course Daniel could have been jealous of Max. Jealous of how his mother adored him and doted on him. But... that doesn't explain why he would kill him." Dirk turned to Jane. "Do you understand what I'm getting at, Miss Jane?"

Jane's eyes widened. "But I still don't understand! Who--who did I see die on that night?"

“Who did you see die on what night?” Cordelia turned to her daughter, her eyes narrowed. “Jane, is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Sorry, mother,” Jane whispered softly. “But yes. Ten years ago, I saw a murder.” Dirk gave Farah a small nod and Farah quietly moved to block the one door that led out of the study. Todd moved towards the window, having a strong feeling that any possible exit was soon going to quickly need to be blocked. Jane continued, “These people have been trying to help me solve the murder, mother. But… But I don’t know who did it, or who even died…” She trailed off, looking small and lost in her big velvet chair.

“You’re detectives?” Cordelia demanded. 

"Indeed,” Dirk said. “Quite a good disguise, right? Now, Jane, the person you saw being murdered on that night was your brother, Max."

"But that's absurd!" Cordelia burst out. "Max is right here!" Max stood behind his mother, his expression stony.

"That," Dirk pointed to Max, "is certainly someone going by the name Max and living his life as if he were Max Oliver. But that is not your biological son, Max Oliver. He was killed on this day, ten years ago, in your back garden."

"Don't be absurd," Max cut in, his voice cold and stiff. "You've been talking nonsense all night."

"Have you ever," Dirk said, "met an actor who was so incredible that sometimes you didn't even know they were acting?" Todd got the very distinct feeling Dirk was thinking of Mona. "I have. And I will tell you this much. When someone who is talented enough chooses to not be found, they won't be."

"You're crazy," Max said. "You have no proof."

"Alright," Dirk said. "Maybe I'm wrong. Then answer me this. How come you and Adrianna talk in a language no one has ever heard when you think you're alone?"

"What?"

“Oh!” Todd cut in. "And is that why Adrianna’s eye color shifts so dramatically? I wasn’t imagining that?"

"People's eye color can shift--"

"Not from light blue to deep brown they can't,” Dirk said, nodding at Todd. 

Max snorted. "Just because you're dressed as a detective doesn't mean you can say whatever you'd like and expect it to go over."

"Alright," Dirk said. "Let me read from this journal," Dirk said, reaching into his trenchcoat and pulling out a copy of Jane's diary that they had photocopied and brought along. Todd hadn't realized Dirk’s intentions in bringing the copy along--but he wasn’t sure Dirk had known until this exact moment, either. 

"’October 31st, 2008,’" Dirk read aloud. "’Dear Diary, Today I saw something very frightening. It was during the Halloween party, I went out in the back garden to get a bit of fresh air and because everyone was very loud. When I was out there, I thought I heard someone screaming. I thought maybe it was one of my brothers, and so I ran. I saw a figure in the dark standing over someone else, but when I got to where I saw their silhouettes across the garden, they were gone. I saw something I thought could've been blood or beer or water but it was too dark to see. I'll go and see if it's still there tomorrow. I don't know what I saw. I went inside and told mama and papa about it. Papa joked that I'd seen a ghost on Halloween. I don't know. Love, Jane.’"

"I know who Jane saw that night," said Dirk. He pointed at Max. "She saw you. And she saw her brother, Max."

"I am her brother Max," Max replied evenly.

"Oh please," Dirk said. "Will you give that up already? You may live as Maxwell Oliver but you were at least not born that way. You weren't born in this town, or, quite frankly, even this planet."

"What're you going to do about it?" Adrianna said, rising to her feet.

"Adrianna," Max snapped. "Sit down."

"I'm going to..." Dirk said confidently, and then stopped. "Well, I hadn't really thought of that."

“It’s true,” Jane said softly. Cordelia had stepped away from Max and was now standing behind her daughter. She placed a hand on Jane’s shoulder, looking tense. Jane looked up at Cordelia. “It’s true, mother. It was Max I saw on that night. It must’ve been…”

Max frowned. “Are you really going to believe this, Mother? Believe all this slander about your favorite son?” His eyes narrowed. “I’ve been so good to you… an absolute star, in fact. Don’t tell me you believe some sort of alien-murder plot thought up by a stranger over the word of your own son?”

Cordelia Oliver's eyes clouded over. "I'm not sure, Max."

"I cannot believe this," Max said. Adrianna fidgeted in her chair uncomfortably. "Do you know everything I've given for this family? Everything me and Adrianna have given for you, Mother?"

"What are you?" Dirk asked curiously. "You must be something quite interesting. And..." He paused, his nose bunched up. "...and either undetectable or fifteen years new to this planet."

"We were undetectable," Adrianna said.

"Adrianna!" Max barked. "Will you shut up?"

"Oh, give it up, Max," she said irritably. "He's caught us in our game. Might as well admit it." She turned to Dirk. "You wouldn't really believe it if we were from a different planet."

"I certainly would," he said. "I've come across a fair few extraterrestrials in my time. I don't suppose you communicate through music on your planet?"

"What?" she snapped. "No. Don't be stupid. You were right, we communicate in our own language. And these weren't our original forms." Max glared at her, his lips pursed in determined silence. "But there's no way for you to prove that, you know? That's the best thing about what we are."

"Oh god," Cordelia said, holding her hand over her mouth.

"And what is that?" Dirk asked.

"Can't pronounce it in your language. In fact, you numbskulls hardly have the language to describe it. Leech? Reincarnate? Phoenix?" Adrianna seemed almost pleased by this, as if the fact that she was somewhat undefinable was a final act of rebellion against whatever separated her from them. "The point is," she said, "we take on different forms over our lives. We essentially could live forever--as long as we kill before our vessel dies. When that happens, we take on the form of whatever we last killed."

"Woah," Dirk said.

"What happens to the body?" Farah said, eyeing Max and Adrianna nervously while still guarding the door.

"We become the body," Adrianna said as though it were obvious. "The last vessel we occupied turns to dust once we leave it for good, once there's no use for it anymore."

"And you killed Max and took his body," Jane said softly, looking Max straight in the eyes. Max frowned and looked away.

"What--what now?" Daniel asked nervously, looking between Max and Adrianna. The room was filled with a tense air.

Max sighed, breaking the silence. "This is truly awful," he said, his tone almost bored, "I never wanted it to come to this, and I am very sorry. I did love you, Mother," he said to Cordelia. "Unfortunately..." He reached into his coat pocket, pulling something small and metallic out, "...the two of us will have to kill all of you now that you've discovered our secret."

Max Oliver had a gun. The room broke out into hectic noise. Cordelia screamed, Daniel let out a large stream of profanities, Todd started to argue with Max, and Dirk shouted something about everyone needing to talk this out, please, and not have so much killing all the time. Everyone was on their feet in a few seconds. Todd and Farah exchanged a look, guarding the door and window respectively, not sure if they should run or stand their guard. The only person who remained sitting was Max Oliver.

"No one move!" he barked. "Shut up!" And he was pointing the gun, and the room quickly fell silent. "You see," he said. "You all have made this so hard for me and my dear EtTew0si." He stood up from where he sat and went to the bookshelf, grabbing a candlestick. He handed it to Adrianna who smiled at him and kissed his cheek.

"Now who's first?" Max said, sounding almost bored. Todd gave a sideways glance to Farah and mouthed the word "gun." She shook her head, mouthing back a long sentence. He had forgotten he couldn't read lips.

"Oh Jane," Max said. "Why not you? This whole dilemma is your fault, now, isn't it?"

"It's not my fault," Jane said, trembling but holding her voice steady. "None of this would've happened if you hadn't hurt Max."

Max pursed his lips, ignoring her comment. "Come here, and we'll make this quick and painless," he said.

"No," she said, holding her ground.

Adrianna shoved her forward from behind, pushing her with the end of the candlestick. "Do what he says!" she said.

Jane opened her mouth to make a retort but decided against it. She looked back at the other people in the room, staring hopelessly.

"My dear sister," Max said, pointing the gun at her head. Adrianna stayed behind her, holding the candlestick up. "I am sorry it had to come to this."

"No, you're not," she said, tears forming in her eyes.

"You're right," he laughed. "I'm not."

The next few seconds were a whirlwind. Farah leapt up from her place by the door to in front of Max, grabbing Jane out of the line of fire as Max pulled the trigger. Adrianna, not realizing what had happened before it was too late, didn't dodge and instead was hit squarely in the head with the bullet Max had fired. Adrianna barely had a second to let out a cry of pain before her body turned to dust, drifting down to the floor, lifeless. Max whirled around, still holding his gun, pointing it at Farah and Jane where they sat on the floor. 

"You think you're real smart, huh?" he demanded. "What--"

A bang fired in the room.

Max stopped talking.

Max stopped breathing.

Max fell over onto the floor, fading into a pile of dust.

Across the room, Cordelia Oliver held up her pearl handled pocket purse pistol, smoke still drifting off the tip of the weapon, tears streaking her face.

*

The next week, Jane Oliver visited Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective agency. She knocked lightly before walking into the office. "Hello!" she said.

"Jane Oliver!" Dirk said, his entire face lighting up. He jumped up from his desk. "How are you doing?"

She smiled sadly. "This whole ordeal has been a lot for my family... but I think we are better for it. We've all been trying to understand, of course. But it's brought us closer too."

"I'm glad to hear that," Farah smiled, looking up from her desk. "Thank you for visiting, Jane."

Jane nodded. "I’m to give you these." She passed two envelopes to Dirk.

He looked at her, confused. "What?"

"For the case," she said softly.

"Ms. Jane, I was under the distinct impression that we were not taking payment from you," he said. He passed the envelopes back to her. "In fact, I insist on it. I don't want to take money from you."

She laughed. "It's not from me. It's from my mother. She's going through a lot, as we all are, but she's extremely grateful to you guys." She shrugged. "She didn't actually tell me what was in those. Just to deliver it to you three."

"Well, thank you," Dirk said, surprised, taking the envelopes back from her.

"Yes!" she said. "And thank you guys... for everything. The truth is hard, but I'm glad I know it. And..." she turned to Farah, "thank you for saving my life."

Farah smiled awkwardly. "I mean, yes. Of course. That is... yes. You're welcome."

She beamed at them. "I'll be sure to recommend you guys, although I don't know how many other sixteen year olds have use of a detective agency."

Dirk smiled. "Thank you Jane."

She nodded once more. "Goodbye!" They waved and wished her well and then she was on her way.

"I wonder what Cordelia sent," Todd said.

"Let us see!" Dirk said. “This first envelope is addressed to ‘Dirk Gently & Co.’ Fancy!” He tore the envelope open, pulling it out and looking it over. His eyes widened.

"What?" Farah said.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I don't think we'll have to worry about agency finances for a while," Dirk said, eyes wide. He passed Farah the check from inside the card. 

She raised her eyebrows. “Oh-kay!” she said. “Well. We should definitely send a thank you note.”

“She wrote a note, too,” Dirk said. He read aloud, “‘Dear Dirk and Company, I never did like Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. However, the three of you I found quite tolerable. To think I would’ve lived with and loved an imposter my whole life if not for your agency. Much thanks. Sincerely, Cordelia Oliver.’”

“I guess she’s got a heart under her mean exterior after all,” Todd said.

“‘P.S.,’” Dirk read. “‘I am assuming you will be quiet about the disappearance of my ‘son’ Max. I hope this check more than manages that.’”

“Oh,” Todd said, and Farah laughed. 

“Well!” Dirk said, setting down the card. He smiled at his two friends. “I think that’s another case solved with arguable efficiency.”

“What’s the other envelope?” asked Todd.

“I don’t know…” Dirk looked at it. “She wrote something on the front...  ‘I couldn’t be bothered to open this after what happened. but I thought one of you care want to know more than I. Sincerely, Cordelia.’”

“Oh!” Farah said. “It’s the envelope from the game--the one that has the killer in it.”

“I didn’t even realize we never revealed the fake killer,” Todd said.

“I did,” said Farah. “Open it?”

Dirk nodded, pushing a pencil thru the top, ungracefully breaking the seal. He popped the envelope open and looked inside before pulling out a tiny slip of paper.

“Oh God,” he said, sounding exasperated. “Of bloody course it had to be.” 

Farah raised her eyebrows and he passed her the paper. She looked at it and frowned. “Crazy coincidence, that’s all.”

“Let me see that,” Todd grabbed the paper.

“Farah, nothing ever ends up being mere ‘coincidence’ with me,” Dirk said pointedly. “Ever.”

“Alright, that’s weird,” Todd said, tossing the paper back onto the desk in front of Dirk. The three of them started at the paper for a moment, saying nothing.

“I say we break early for lunch,” Farah broke the silence. “My treat.”

“Avoidance,” Todd said. “I like it.”

“Burgers?” Dirk chimed in. “I love it.”

The three of them stood up and cleared out of the office, turning off the lights and locking the doors to the office. In the now quiet office lay the small slip of tangerine paper on a desk. It read, in plain cursive, Madame Orange is the killer.

*

End

[smut-goblin]

Frog pt2

It had to be the strangest morning after Mia has ever experienced, especially since it did not involve any sex. She woke up still in the dark, October sun was late to rise but her inner clock was infallible. 6 AM whether she wanted it or not.

Tank was still asleep, snoring contently with his large frame taking up almost entire bed. Last night Mia had vanished herself to the farthest corner, curled up in a ball but the morning has found her stretched on the brown orc's chest, using him as a mattress. 

She was afraid for a moment that he’d wake up as soon as she moved but she managed to slink off him without Tank so much as breaking his snoring pattern.

It was a bizarre experience. Being so close to him, seeing him relaxed in his sleep. 

Mia took a moment to study his face. It was always so high above her she was more accustomed looking at his jaw than actual features.

But yes, he had a strong, square jaw of his kind, the actual line hidden behind the long beard he usually plated but must have had it undone to get rid of the mud from it. 

It was long and slightly wavy, threaded with far more silver than his long mane, but definitely less than the wiry hair peppering his chest and abdomen, trailing to a blacker patch around his shaft.

Elves and orcs weren't shy about the nudity, lacking the inborn shame it brings humans, but even so, Mia felt strange watching the naked orc before her. 

Maybe because he was asleep, she has never seen him so still and relaxed. The Tank she knew was always vigilant, ready to protect or attack if the need arises or break up any fights the younger orcs might start.

She ran fingertips down his face, leather-like skin covered in far more lines than she'd noticed before. There were crow feet at the corners of his eyes and what she assumed before to be black paint under his eyes, covering entire lower lid and eye socket, were in fact tattoos. Lines and lines or orcish runes, almost as tiny as ants’ footprints.

Mia winced, touching the jagged chains curling in half circle on her cheeks and temples. Tank’s tattoos must have hurt like hell.

Her curious fingertips travelled to the orc's chapped lips and sleep tangled beard. His facial hair was surprisingly soft, just like wolf's fur. Mia was used to beards and moustaches being as coarse as pubic hair from her dealing with the dead. This posed an intriguing question - how did his chest hair felt like? And the dark thatch between his legs?

She felt giddy like a little girl, sneaking treats she shouldn't be. 

The chest was much more salt and pepper, both soft and wiry at the same time. Mia's finger drew swirly patterns on pectorals going onto ellipses on Tank's belly, hesitating just before the massive shaft as it started twitching and coming to life. 

Mia's hand hovered just above it, lower lip caught worrying between her teeth. Her fingertips were only hairsbreadth away…

-”Go on, it doesn't bite…” - the rumbling voice made her jump and slide down off the bed with a squeak.

The only thing that hurt was her pride as booming laugh drifted from the bed before strong arms lifted her and sat her up the bed.

-”You bastard!” - she punched Tank in the arm, making him laugh even harder. -”I thought you were asleep!”.

-”I was, but I'm a light sleeper. That's why I got to grow old.” - he stretched, joints popping and his hard now cock bobbing with interest. -”You gonna help an old man out?” - he moved his hips, making the shaft wave happily in greeting.

-”Wasn't your hip killing you?” - Mia raised a sceptical eyebrow. -”Don't want you to overexert yourself… old man”. - she moved closer nonetheless, nails dragging down his sides to the abdomen. This was like one of her wet dreams come true. Surely, she could indulge just this once… just to know how it, he, feels like and not live a life of what ifs…

She licked her lips, eyeing the shaft. 

Mia ducked her head, licking her way up from the balls to the wide head, following a throbbing vein. He smelled and tasted good. It's a pity she wouldn't be able to take him whole in her mouth. But she could certainly try!

She got on hands and knees over him, due to their size difference her bum happily wriggling above his chest as she spread her plump folds, showing him how wet she was as she grinned at him over her shoulder.

-”Now this is worth waking up to every day!” - Tank muttered appreciatively, rough fingers kneading her asscheeks.

Mia hummed and went back to work. She'll have to get that dick nice and wet before trying anything with it.

There were girls who loved loads of foreplay. Some didn’t like giving head. Mia found out quite fast that she goes from zero to max in a few seconds and then just wants to be fucked, which posed some problems because she wasn’t too keen on being touched. However, she had no problem being bold and direct and taking what she wanted.

-”You know my ass is there too?” - she asked when Tank’s fingers started playing with her cunt.

-”Didn’t know her ladyship was into that” - he sounded both surprised and happy.

-”Her ladyship is VERY into that so get to it!” - Mia replied, giving his cock a hard suck to get her point across.

Apparently old dogs knew a few tricks, as Tank let his saliva slicked thumb play with her pucker before pushing it in. It might have been just a finger but with the size difference and Tank’s own bigger than normal orc size it felt the same as having a fellow elf dick inside her ass.

Mia moaned, letting her hips dance on the thumb and massive fingers stretching her aching cunt. Mother’s milk, she could see herself getting addicted to this, fuck, this was so good,

She let Tank know all that he made her feel but sucking, licking and teasing his cock, making his body pump into her eager hands, dodgy hips or not. Fuck it, she wanted him in, she wanted to be claimed, fucked within an inch of her life, split in two if needs be, but she would go down in an amazing blaze of glory!

The happy Addams Family theme slapped her back to reality. Her mobile was buzzing and flashing.

-”No, Mia, no, please” - Tank groaned as she let go of his engorged cock and made her way to answer the phone. He got her waist in a bear hug, making it hard to grab the mobile.

-”I have to!” - she whined. -”That’s work. And I do mean work, that’s marshal’s ringtone”

-”Just pretend to be sick. It was cold, it was rainy… you have the bad flu! Very contagious!” - he wrestled her under him.

-*Shaw! Pick up damn you. I know it’s early but we need you. I’m on my way to you, Collins told me your car is in the garage. We got a call about some corpses out in the boons and… fuck… it ain’t pretty, you might wanna hold off on your breakfast. See you in ten.*

The voice message ended and Tank flopped back on his back, groaning.

-”Hey, you can work it out in the shower, big guy!” - Mia patted his shoulder, already sliding off the bed and picking up her clothes.

Sure, she’d prefer to stay in and fuck in every way possible but it took a lot to make Jamison queasy and suddenly all desire to full around was gone, replaced by a lead ball in the pit of her stomach.

[vacationcalendar]

7/18/21

Good morning Max!

So.

We are steadfastly embarking here on a blogging journey only about 3 entire weeks after we had this fantastic idea. One might argue that a *start* to an endeavor can’t be steadfast; steadfast is a pace that is maintained over a period of time, it indicates a consistency that can’t be identified after mere seconds of typing. But I would argue that that steadfast pace is going a certain speed, and we as a society have a collective idea of how fast that speed is, whether we’ve ever said it out loud or not. And I believe it is that speed at which I am embarking. So there. You bear with me and try to visualize THAT idea, and I’ll try and learn more words so we don’t have to keep having these little thought experiments every paragraph or so.

OK GREAT! WE’RE OFF! I have literally taken two full length breaks since I’ve started writing this. Why was I so scared to get this thing started anyway? Writing comes so naturally to me, like breathing, or shitting. I can’t believe people actually get paid to do this.

Alright, in all honesty, I know this is going to be wildly difficult for me to do with any consistency at all, much less DAILY (good lord...). So in order to make this a more surmountable task, we are going to make the topics and form that the blog takes on a little more free flowing than I might initially want them to be. We don’t care how the river is shaped at this very moment, just so long as there is water flowing down it.

Here are some creative writing projects constantly hanging over my head that might just rear their ugly heads in some form or another during these posts: Comedy Sketches Stand-up bits Segments/ideas for my eternally unfinished novel Standalone essays that I think would work as a youtube video, because of course an introverted depressed guy who thinks he’s interesting in 2021 wants to have a youtube channel. Etc.(?)

There, I finished the list with etc., even though I had no more concrete ideas for creative writing projects. That makes the list instantly 300% more official, and doesn’t paint me as wildly unconfident in my own personality AT ALL. I did mention to my mother that I was working on assorted creative writing projects to keep busy, and she immediately asked, “Oh! Like a [auto]biography?”

She’s pretty confident that I’ve got a bestseller on my hands if I just recounted the sad and lonely details of my life up until this point. She also called it a biography as indicated in my direct quote there, and I tried to fix it in post like any good editor would. But now I’m noticing that “fixing” the quote to say autobiography like she *meant* to say changes the proper article before the word from “a” to “an,” and I have no idea what the protocol for that correction would be...

Maybe it’s [an auto]biography? An [auto]biography? Maybe it’s [an autobiography], but then it’s much less clear what my mother’s initial mistake in vocabulary was, and I don’t want to let her off the hook so easily. Maybe I google this later, if I can think of what the hell you would type into google to find an answer to this. I guess my point bringing this up at all, is maybe I do actually try and use this space occasionally for a journal. Wading through the slimy, fetid bog of my younger days sounds extremely unfun, and, to a point of contention with my well-meaning mother, distinctly unprofitable. But unpacking my current self’s thoughts onto this page periodically does actually sound nice.

And this is a trade secret between you and me (you’re the only one reading this Max, sorry), I think it would behoove you to include several autobiographical moments in your perpetually ethereal novel. You need all the cheat codes you can get to get this wretched thing off the ground. We should lock the name in on that sucker by the way, just to help save you some keystrokes at least. I know I wrote down ‘Elements of War’ a loooong time ago as a placeholder. And I can confirm as of Sunday, July 18 2021, I don’t like it. It’s no good. I look at other titles of other stories, looking for inspiration, and they all seem to work just fine for the story their attached to. Harry Potter is just the name of the main guy, and that worked INCREDIBLY well. “Harry Potter and the [insert magic themed adventure keywords here].” Foolproof.

The main problem I have with a title is simply the fact that I know so little about the contents of my book at this point. It stands to reason that the book should find a title for itself as part of the process of actually writing the book. Seeing the events transpire in the story from a bird’s eye view would give you just about everything you could possibly need to title your book. Choosing a title for a story BEFORE the story really exists feels a bit like working backwards, even though the title would technically be the first thing anyone reads. I guess I could see it plausibly being created in either order. You don’t necessarily need to know the entire story you are setting out to tell to understand the story you’ve shown up to tell. Breaking Bad ostensibly didn’t know many of the finer details of its story before Vince Gilligan picked its title. Hell, it didn’t know many of its details before literally airing on TV. And there was never any consideration of changing the title of the show retroactively, once the showrunners figured out the ending, right? Stories need a title. And I don’t think I’m making some irredeemable authorial error by picking out a title before getting too far into my story-writing process. Although I’m often reminded of the They Might be Giants song “Experimental Film” when I dream up things like titles or dramatic plot points or the like:

“I already know the ending, It’s the part that makes your face implode, I don’t know what makes your fact implode, But that’s the way the movie ends.”

We all want that awesome moment. We all want to create that life changing piece of art. But creating is hard, and dreaming is easy. Or rather, dreaming is natural. We all have a dream at night, we get one simply by virtue of being awake. Understanding the dream, communicating the dream is hard. Hell, communicating anything can be hard. Part of me thinks that creative project that will define my legacy (wow, try unpacking that sentence later buddy) will be an interview show where I work with my guest to try and manifest the story they dream of telling in there head, but have never tried to tell it. Tell me that’s not a million dollar idea! If Ira Glass announced that show next week and Barack Obama was his first guest, you better believe that thing’s taking off like the fucking Quinjet from the Avengers. But you wouldn’t even need a big celebrity guest! I believe that literally everyone has the ingredients of a completely unique story kicking around in their heads. And to conclude this thought, I will often times pretend I’m the guest on this podcast (of course it’s a podcast), and I’ll try to play out what that interview would sound like. And I’ll be honest, that show would need a VERY smart host to keep the flow going. And in my interview fantasy, I’m also the host; so it’s admittedly hard. I think the “Experimental Film” song would be the theme song for that show for SO MANY reasons.

Ok, I’ll be honest. I took yet another break in the middle of that last paragraph, and I may have lost the thread a teeny-tiny bit. So I’m going to try and finish out any relevant thoughts and then I’m going to do a hard break and just move on to a completely new thought.

I actually had an idea of what my (at least for now) title should be. ~The Franz Lion~ This is the name of the ship in the story that all the main characters travel on. This is the primary setting for the majority of AT LEAST the first series of events in the book. I imagine if my story moved far away from the boat, by that point I could that “Part 2,” or it could be like a whole second book. Like the first book is called The Franz Lion, but then a new book comes out and you find out the series is called like “The Greatest Windybilly”; and Book 2 is like “The Drowned.” I don’t know, and I don’t care at this moment. I just know that all signs point to “The Franz Lion” as a fine title for this book. I admittedly can see a world where it’s more of a phrase, like “Aboard the Franz Lion” or “Weaver and the Franz Lion”, but right now, I don’t see something like that being better than just “The Franz Lion”. 

The Franz Lion is one of the VERY FEW things that I feel like I’ve hit a home run on. That to me is a fucking great name for a boat. It’s memorable, unique, easy to get on board with. I am aware that the boat from Legend of Zelda: Windwaker was named “the King of Red Lions”, so it’s not COMPLETELY unique. But I’m pretty confident that there is plenty of real estate in the Lions + Boats territory. So confident, in fact, that I’m locking that name in HARD. And then the name of the boat just works great as a title. Literally no one would be confused or lost or tempted to look too far into it. AND THEN, if they did look into it, I think there would be puh-lenty of symbolism and theming to pull out of the boat’s significance in the characters’ lives. And man, I know we talked about autobiographical elements, that’s unmistakable; which I am legitimately happy about. Fran Lyon was a HUGE figure in my life. Our relationship signified a change in my life that I literally was never able to come back from. And using that as inspiration for a ship that literally carries the main character away on a life-changing adventure seems like as great a place as any in trying to tell MY story. One day I can be Kurt Vonnegat-like good at writing stories, and I won’t have to borrow from real life to make convincing plots and characters, but for now this makes all the sense in the world to me. So, yeah, The Franz Lion. It exists in my head and one day it will exist on paper. And then I can die I guess. Wouldn’t that be nice? I look forward to trying to bring a teensy bit to you on your calendar here. Wish me luck!

----------------------------------------------------

Ok that was the break. This wasn’t THAT hard. Thank God. Cuz we have to do a lot more than this to be satisfied. We quit our job on my 30th birthday in part because the notion that I was missing the chance to do *this* was constantly gnawing at the back of our head. Honestly the fact that I literally forgot that this was the writing project I was supposed to be doing for like 18 days may just be a testament to how hard I had been trying to just read. 

I bundled writing with reading when I decided that I needed to be writing more. I said, well writing IS reading, and I can’t just sit down and read for shit. So if I’m going to really put writing at the forefront of my brain, I’m going to have to read too, dammit. And then I tried to sit down and read for, no joke, 2 entire weeks. And it fucking killed me. Unbelievable. Unbelievable how hard it was to incorporate into my life. I still don’t get it. So I quit with the intention of picking up these habits. And then I would evaluate how fulfilling it all felt, before I continued onto my path of adult life. You know, working, trying to meet new people, idk what else.... etc. And now that I can confirm how hard it has been to really stick to this and grind out being creative, all I know at this point is I’m not ready to go back. I can tell I want to be more competent at all this before I can make an assessment on what role being creative will play for my future. Seemingly my whole life I have teetered back and forth between wanting to be creative and being too scared to really try, and wanting to have the full life that hard work gets you; you know, the life that society sculpts for you. A wife, kids, vacations, cooking, friends, parties, movies. It’s not a matter of figuring out how it all works, it’s just a matter of going out grinding it all out. Securing it all piece by piece by putting in the requisite work. It’s not easy, but it’s also not complicated. And I guess ultimately I like to think I’m not someone who’s afraid of hard work. But if I’m not afraid of hard work, then why have I not put in the work to secure a career or friends or a partner or physical fitness or anything? Because I don’t want to? Do I really not want to? Or maybe I AM afraid of hard work. 

But let’s take a second to unpack that. I put in hard work at Olivia’s. I truly did. I worked hard enough there to qualify as working hard, period. And it felt good. I know this. I shouldn’t forget that. I worked hard, it wasn’t impossible; it wasn’t unsustainable. And it felt good. This is mostly why I tell myself I’m not afraid of hard work. Because it’s not some dark mysterious unknown entity. I’ve been on the other side of it now. It’s the main reason I didn’t think I HAD to be creative anymore. I’ve seen the whole path of hard work, and it actually looked traversable. I sometimes wonder if I had been so drawn to being creative because I was so afraid of travelling on the path of hard honest work. It would explain why it felt so good to actually work hard for once. It would explain why the idea of abandoning the creative path felt so good once I had it. I would imagine the idea of quitting “comedy” would be a pretty mournful one, to someone like me who had clung so desperately to that dream for so long. But it wasn’t. It was a relief in a way. To know that I didn’t have to pull out some wild success in this tumultuous field to be ok; it felt like taking off a heavy backpack. I just felt more capable, more free. The simple act of allowing myself to “quit” felt ok simply by virtue of spending years of my life thinking I couldn’t do ANYTHING, and that being creative was the only way to be ok with the prospect of being alive. Thinking about abandoning that dream told me I was more normal than I had managed to be for over a decade at this point. I looked up for the first time since I had been in college and had the thought that I could work hard and succeed, whatever that might mean. College was the place I first realized I was useless, and now Olivia’s was where I realized that that wasn’t true, I just wasn’t old enough yet. I am aging much slower than the average population; I haven’t exactly figure out why yet. But it’s clear that I am. And for better or worse, this is THE factor that has cast me aside from the le person. Figuring out why would be nice, but the truly important thing to do clearly is to use this to my advantage. Get my leg up the world with my unique vantage point. And as far as I can tell, in fact it seems quite obvious to me, my leg up is going to come from a creative outlet. A twenty year old having his 30th birthday is only going to have diminishing returns in the traditional American dream. It’s like getting paid 70% of what my peers are making. Part of me knows that even 70% of the full salary isn’t that bad. It’s plenty if you’re a hard worker and know how to live in the moment; but another part of me knows that only a fool should take less than he’s earned. I don’t actually know if I can make up all this time I’ve lost, being the proverbial time traveler that I am. I don’t know how on earth I would ACTUALLY go about recouping my salary back to its rightful 100%. I can’t manifest lifelong friends; I can’t rewrite my relationship to my parents and siblings; I can’t pick up 10+ years of romantic experiences from a youtube video. I could technically go back to college, but I don’t really want to. I only want to do that as much as I want to hop in a time machine and actually be the age I’m supposed to. 

Now that I think about it, if there was a story about a man who accidentally travels to the future and the finds out the world moved on without him (I mean there is, it’s called Rip Van Winkle). Yeah, now that I think about it, my story is very similar to a Coma patient’s. I just seemingly was given less time than I was promised. And I have to deal with that. But, what I’m saying is, it stands to reason that if this WERE a story, that character wouldn’t shine under those circumstances. They would wilt. They would lament and diminish. Only the rarest and most inspiring would rise up and overcome their disadvantage. Because it is a disadvantage. It’s not a unique vantage point. It’s not a matter of optimism vs pessimism. The glass is not half-full or half-empty; it is considerably less full than halfway. 

Right?

Hmm. What is my point here? I have suffered. Unequivocally. And to suffer is to be alive. Again, unequivocally. So maybe my time-travelling has actually gone the other way. I’ve lived far longer than the scant 30 years my birth certificate claims. It certainly feels like longer than 30 years, even though the activity log of my life would disagree. Maybe that’s it. I’ve replaced my life with dreams. I’ve suffered in places where I was meant to thrive. And in doing so I’ve gone far under my quota of accomplishments and memories, and gone far over my quota of misery and regrets. In that sense I’ve lived out less of my life that I was meant to in some ways and lived out substantially more of my life in other ways. And I can’t say that unhappy (or rather that I don’t love myself as I am), but I can see why I never ever heard anybody recommend living your life this way. 

“I am young. I am old”

Why can’t I be the age I am? Why was that so hard to accomplish? What did I need to do to fix that? And why do people think I should enjoy my birthday? Can’t they see I’ve been time-traveling? This birthday was for someone else. I don’t actually know when my birthday is. I only know when it isn’t.

Now that I’ve thought about it, I think a time-traveler is a perfectly fine person to be a creative type. He might not be the smartest or the fastest, and he’ll never be the happiest; but it’s safe to say he cheated and got wiser than his peers will ever get a chance to. At least if he was paying attention he got wiser. We all know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But then we all go spending our life trying to get stronger, and rarely do we ever get close enough to getting killed. So I have to show up like the man that survived the fatal disease, and got stronger than anyone should have to, without even really trying*.

Ok calling it here. Day 1 in the books. The daily blog is still at 100% completion rate! Nice

Love you, be good.

[trashartandmovies]

Berlinale Film Festival 2021, Industry Event, Day 1

We all knew the 71st Berlinale would be different, but who’d have guessed we’d be given a twofer? At this point, the juries for the Competition, Encounters, Shorts, and Generations sections have all handed out their awards. These juries got to watch the films in their respective categories on the big screen. Meanwhile, the press were given the opportunity to screen these movies at home, as well as the films in the Berlinale Special, Panorama, Forum and Forum Expanded sections, as well as the six films making up the Perspektive Deutsches Kino category and episodes from the six television shows included in Berlinale Series. (The always excellent Retrospective section is only screening during the summer.) Altogether, around 150 at-home screenings were made available to the press. We had five days to watch them. I was able to watch 22 of them. This is Part One.

———

I’m sure everyone covering the festival is hoping that the Summer Special, in mid-June, will go smoothly and we’ll be able to catch at least a fraction of the movies we weren’t able to see. (For geo-blocking streaming reasons, a few films in the lineup weren’t available at all in my geo-region. Including two in the Competition: the FABIAN adaptation and Daniel Daniel Brühl’s directorial debut NEXT DOOR.) Usually, the press is given a week ahead of the festival to check out the Panorama, Forum and Generations titles. One assumes it’s so that audiences may get some recommendations on these lower-profile movies in the inevitable situation when all the high-profile films are sold out. Will this happen in the summer? Unless I missed a press release, the details around the Summer Special are still a bit vague. Rightfully so, since we’re still living in week-by-week uncertainty as far as lockdown measures go.

All we can do now is cross our fingers and hope for a chance to get a look at some of the these titles, because when presented with the challenge of covering a 150-movie lineup over just five days, you have to make some obvious decisions. I suspect many people did what I did — try to watch all the Competition titles and get in a few Encounters, Specials, some shorts and hold out hope for one or two stray Panoramas or Forums. To make matters more heartbreaking, the press screenings went like this: every morning at 7:00 AM, you’d get an impossibly long list of films to watch until 7:00 AM next morning. You’d get a few Competition titles, a few Encounters and Specials, and a deluge of films from the other categories. For many films, all you could do is look at the title, nod, and say to yourself, hopefully we’ll meet again soon, because there’s no way I can fit a sixth movie in today without losing my mind.

(Now there was a wrinkle added to this plan. Over the weekend of March 6 - 7, the press could screen the award winners that got announced on Friday. But it was difficult to try and take this into consideration in any strategic way.)

———

Like most film festivals, Berlinale usually kicks things off with a star-studded opening night movie that’s usually too mainstream for the critics. With no red carpet to be concerned with this year, that wasn’t the case. Instead, on Day One, the closest to a big movie star name was Iain Glen (Game of Thrones). Glen isn’t the lead in Tim Fehlbaum’s TIDES, shown in the Berlinale Special program, but he does play a key role as an astronaut who’s landed back on Earth, generations after human had mostly left the increasingly inhabitable planet. Humans have been living in a space colony called Kepler, but everyone ended up sterile, so missions are being sent back to Earth in the hopes that they can once again live there and get their reproductive groove back.

That’s the underlying story of TIDES, and it’s just one element that will likely feel very familiar to anyone who’s well-versed in post-apocalyptic cinema. The color palette is stark, with muted colors. The landscape is barren, this one with lots of water, rather than the desert locales of Mad Max. In fact, the notorious WATERWORLD came to mind more than once while watching TIDES. There’s even a doll in the film that looks just like Dennis Hopper’s character in that film, eye patch and everything. That little detail may be one of the most interesting things about the film.

The main character of TIDES is another astronaut, played with a committed intensity by Nora Arnezeder. She crash lands on Earth, is held captive by central casting post-apocalyptic scavengers, and eventually tries to track down a McGuffin that will let her contact Kepler and report back that there are people reproducing on Earth. Meanwhile, she also suspects that something might remain of the previous mission that was comprised of her father and Iain Glen.

The main attraction here is Fehlbaum’s use of stunning landscapes and practical locations, like a beached industrial ocean liner that serves as inspiration for one of the primary sets. The art design and costumes are all exceptional, while the acting and photography are all decent enough. But it never does much with the conspiracy it tries to entertain us with. Its attempts at being thrilling look good, but can’t help but feel like pretty standard stuff at this point. It’s worth noting that one of the film’s producers is Roland Emmerich, a man who knows a thing or two about making generic high concept action pictures. Some things, like the art design and the pleasingly diverse and international cast, set TIDES apart. But the story is far less inspired.

Faring better were the Day One Competition titles. I started with MEMORY BOX, a lively picture wherein a daughter gets to better understand her mother when a box of the mom’s old teenage diaries and correspondence ends up on their doorstep. (This mother-daughter connection is essentially the same theme that Céline Sciamma’s PETITE MAMAN covers in a different, more sci-fi, fashion.) As the daughter, living in a nice house in Montreal, digs into her mother’s old journals, scrapbooks and tape recordings, the film travels back to 1980s Beirut through the eyes of her teenage mom. It makes these trips back in time through some pretty cool moments of collage-like animation — putting scrapbook pages into motion and diving into photographs and contact sheets that come alive. Plus, the soundtrack is killer, full of lively 80s post punk like Killing Joke, The Stranglers and Blondie.

There’s romance, the trauma of war, a strong refugee story, and a poignant tale of cross-generational understanding. The kicker is that it’s very autobiographical, with the film mirroring co-director Joana Hadjithomas’s own story of corresponding with her friend in Paris while Beirut was falling down around her. These journals are backed up by old photographs taken in Beirut from the other co-director, Kahil Joreige. Like last year’s fascinating BLOODY NOSE, EMPTY POCKETS, and this year’s A COP MOVIE, Berlinale movies are continuing to find success in blurring the line between documentary and narrative fiction. The movie has a little trouble maintaining momentum all the way through, but I loved the experimentation on display here, and the unique ways it tells its story. It helps that MEMORY BOX really sticks the landing at the end.

Next up was ICH BIN DEIN MENSCH, or I’M YOUR MAN — another film, like many in recent years, interested in the ethics behind artificial intelligence and robots with emotions. Think of it as a romantic comedy version of BLADE RUNNER, or an updated version of the forgotten-by-time Ann Magnuson and John Malkovich vehicle MAKING MR. RIGHT. This one, based on a recent short story by Emma Braslavsky, is directed by Maria Schrader, who recently helmed the popular Netflix series Unorthodox (she’s also a veteran film and TV actress, from Tatort and Deutschland 86 to AIMEE & JAGUAR). Schrader continues to prove that she has a good eye for framing and storytelling. The movie doesn’t always escape the problem that many German movies continue to struggle with, which is that they often feel like a good TV movie rather than a work of cinema, but it manages better than most.

The general idea is that Maren Eggert plays Alma, a researcher who is assigned the task of spending a couple weeks with a new personal companion robot named Tom, played by the dreamy-eyed Dan Stevens. Alma is, of course, a completely rational-minded person who is happy to just get through the two weeks with as little interaction with Tom as possible. In her mind, it’s an impossibility that a piece of technology could fulfill a human being’s needs. Of course, as each day goes by, Tom continues to surprise her and wear down her defenses.

It’s a pretty well-worn story by now. The issues that get raised over the course of the movie are some that Star Trek: The Next Generation was dealing with on a regular basis (Tom is similar to Data, though Stevens doesn’t need any special contact lenses), but there are some interesting wrinkles here. Few movies have looked at this subject from the female perspective. And if there’s one that that this year’s Berlinale truly excelled at, it’s offering a wide variety of movies by female directors and/or with female leads. We’ve covered three movies that fit that criteria already, and many more will come. What’s more, Maren Eggert gives us a character who’s at an age where she’s wrestling with the question of whether or not her child-bearing days are behind her. When’s the last time Hollywood dealt with that subject? So, while Alma starts off as a very emotionally distant, academic type, and the best thing about the movie is uncovering her past and getting to understand why she has put up so many walls. I’m not sure it does much with the subject of AI or robot companions, but it does provide a charming odd-couple story and I don’t have any complaints with Eggert winning the festival’s best actress award.

The nightcap on Day One was INTEURODEOKSYEON, or INTRODUCTION, the newest film by the prolific Korean auteur Hong Sangsoo. At last year’s Berlinale, Sangsoo was also in the Competition with the excellent THE GIRL WHO RAN, and he doesn’t disappoint with INTRODUCTION. Ironically enough, if you’re unfamiliar with Hong Sangsoo and don’t know where to start — understandable given the nearly 30 films he’s directed in the past 25 years — INTRODUCTION ain’t a bad way to start. It’s not his best work, but it’s pretty damn good, and a very accessible entry-point into the man’s style and thematic interests. And it barely cracks the 60-minute mark, so you’re not committing to much.

This one ping-pongs between a young man, Youngho, and a young woman, Juwan, both trying to figure out what to do with their lives. Juwan wants to study fashion in Berlin, Youngho wants to become an actor. Both run into problems with these pursuits — some of which are out of their control. In Youngho’s case, it leads to a hilariously drunken dinner confrontation with Ki Joo-bong, who may or may not be playing a version of himself, since he’s only credited as “Old Actor.” The esteemed Korean actor Joo-bong has appeared in Park Chan-wook films, SAVE THE GREEN PLANET, as well as few of Sangsoo’s other films and some 70 other movies. In INTRODUCTION, his character is revered by every other person he meets. And his advice to Youngho is an eruptive highlight in a movie that’s otherwise pretty subtle.

Subtlety is often Sangsoo’s thing, but the emotions he leaves you with tend to be pretty strong. This is his magic. He writes very realistic, dialog-driven scenes that, on their own, are nuanced and deceptively simple. But these quiet scenes build up to an ending that makes everything come together in a profound way. Even if you’re familiar with Sangsoo’s work, INTRODUCTION may come across as slight, or a minor work in the maestro’s deep catalog, but I found it’s pleasures to be more immediate than usual. To my knowledge, no one is writing screenplays like this. The way he reveals characters, develops them, and draws connections through casual lines of dialog, sometimes nested deep within a conversation, is practically his trademark move, and it’s never not remarkable. It demands your attention and then rewards it at the end. His technique is patient, confident and hugely sophisticated. The only problem I see is that, given his track record of releasing one or two movies a year, his talent is in danger of being taken. Don’t be one of those people.

[falafel14]

My Big Totally Tubular Stranger Things S2 Reaction Post.

Best Things about S2...

Eleven and Hopper. These two becoming family was perfect. Their rules, their arguments, their broken promises, their tears, their confessions, the funny little dance. It was so them. I loved every one of their scenes together.

Steve and Dustin. The other best new character combo. The roots of this friendship were just so funny - i.e., you’re having a CODE RED emergency but all your useful friends are missing so you’re reduced to recruiting Steve to help you. Poor Dustin. He accidentally rears a pet demogorgan that turns into a killer pack of demadogs and all he gets out of this ordeal is Steve as his buddy and some bad advice on hair products and how to score with girls.

Steve in general. He may have lost Nancy and got himself beaten to a bloody pulp (again) but on the upside he gets to be everyone’s new favorite character. No hype! Exasperated-babysitter!Steve is the best thing ever.

More Will. After his largely off-screen role in S1, Noah Schnapp gives the performance of the season as Will/the Shadow Monster. The kids on this show are all outstanding but Noah blew my mind. All the awards for this kid please. But also...it would be nice if Will got a non-victimy story in S3.

Bob the Brain. Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. I’m inconsolable. Bob was a fucking superhero. Sean Astin! My Sam! My Goonie! He was perfect. I hurt my throat screaming “RUN!” at my TV and I’m still crying.      

Joyce’s House. Specifically this reoccurring theme of Joyce’s house becoming a surreal art exhibition and not the best signifier of her sanity each season. May it continue. The Byers house is the best house. And Joyce is the best mom. Bless her crazy lady Momma Bear dangerous driving. 

Eleven solo episode. Seriously? Some fans didn’t like this episode? Okay. But with a season that has three largely Elevenless (Janeless?) episodes I was so ready to have a full episode of Eleven running away and joining a gang of punk vigilantes in the city and getting a badass makeover. As much as I have raved about Noah this time, Millie is still a total powerhouse.

Justice for Barb. Yeah, I loved Barb. I didn’t want Barb to die. But seeing as she clearly did die in S1, I’m glad they didn’t try to reverse it due to fan pressure. I think the focus on Barb’s loss in S2 was just the right response.

Dustin and Lucas’s families. Finally! They both have families! And they are hilarious. Dustin’s mom and Lucas’s little sister especially.

The Snowball. This took me by surprise. What a wonderful surprise ending! With 20 minutes left after the gate was closed I was just expecting something else horrible to happen. Instead we got adorable scenes of kids dancing and Joyce/Hopper sharing a smoke in the parking lot. I was always going to cry at Mike/Eleven dancing at the Snowball but I was in no way prepared for the Nancy/Dustin dance. Totally got me in the feels.

Worst (Stranger) Things about S2...

Not enough Mike. In a season where everyone else got a great individual storyline, I felt like Mike missed out. After being the leader of the kids gang in S1, here he was reduced to pining over Eleven, worrying about Will and nothing else. There were hints of Mike having anger issues and that one scene where he explodes at Hopper was great, but his rage should’ve been better developed. Don’t underuse Finn Wolfhard next season!

Billy and Max. I didn’t hate them but I didn’t really see the point of them either. Honestly I kept waiting and hoping for someone to find 9 and 10 tattoos on their arms. But no, they were just new kid characters. Max’s only purpose was to give Lucas a love interest and to make us wish Eleven was hanging out with the boys instead. Billy’s only point was to be the new dickhead popular boy who bullies Steve so that we can all start liking Steve. But I already had a soft spot for Steve since Nancy drunkenly destroyed his genuine feelings for her. Well actually, I’ve had a soft spot for Steve since seeing his Christmas jumper. So Billy just wasn’t needed (aside from giving Steve a dark slash pairing?). Also the whole “bully is bullied by his father” cliche didn’t work for me.

THAT beloved character death. Noooo! Whyyyy????!! 

Other (Stranger) Things about S2...

Nancy and Jonathan. I’ve never really cared about this couple, but I did love how their hook up was handled so amusingly, with the conspiracy nut journalist openly shipping them and then forcing them to confront their unresolved sexual tension. I’ll like any ship if you make it funny. 

Dart. Dude, I’m a vegan, but I was kind of on Mike’s side when he wanted to kill Dustin’s pet before he turned into a demogorgan and multiplied and killed a load of people. Including Bob and Mews the cat. But then, the scene where Dustin tamed Dart with nougat was genuinely touching.   

The Upsidedown. What’s with all the feathers in the dark place? I keep imagining shadow monsters having pillow fights in the tunnels when nobody’s watching. It’s funny how it’s just not mentioned.

Eleven’s other siblings. Meeting Eight and Jane’s mom was a nice expansion of the mythology. Where are the other nine?

Overall? MUCH LOVE!! Roll on S3.

[kpopworldscenarios]

Just U [4]

Pairing: Jinhwan x Reader (Other iKon members)

Genre: ??

Words: 2082

Pt [1]  [2]  [3]

You and Hanbin had a long history, so you were not actually surprised that Jinhwan thought something was going on with the two of you. Yes, you were dating around 2 years ago, but you found out that it was better for you to stay friends, or best friends. There had been some tension between you and Hanbin the past few months, but you both knew how to handle it because you did not want to go down that road again.

The funny thing was that it only seemed like Jinhwan was the only one who saw that something was going on at that time. Eventually he told Bobby, and that’s when you decided to just break it off.

So now you were in the kitchen where no one could hear you, talking with Hanbin about this, and trying to figure out what to do about it. You always went to him if you had something on your mind, so he knew about your “small” crush on Jinhwan. He really wanted something to happen between you and Jinhwan too, since he could tell when you were not there and the boys were talking about you, Jinhwan lit up like a candle.

Placing yourself on the kitchen counter you heard footsteps not that far away from the kitchen doorway, and your eyes fell on Hanbin. He stretched his neck so he could get a better view of the doorway, then looked at you and mouthed “Jinhwan”. Hanbin placed himself bedside you on the kitchen counter, but in a standing position and looked at you. You knew this was about to go the wrong way.

Jinhwan came into the kitchen, opened the fridge to get a water bottle, closed the fridge and looked at you. You could see his facial expression change right away. Before he started walking away, some words came out of his mouth.

“Take it easy now.”

He walked out, and you and Hanbin just looked at each other with wide eyes. You were shocked.

“What? How do he even get these thoughts? We were just here, we did nothing.” Hanbin said, and looked at you with confused eyes.

“I have no idea, but I’m getting tired of it.” You leaned your forehead on Hanbin’s shoulder and closed your eyes to relax.

“So just tell him, that will make him stop.”  He leaned his head on yours.

“Tell him? Are you crazy? I’m not ready to tell him yet.” Your voice got louder and you pulled your head back so fast that Hanbin got scared and pulled away.

“You may want to lower your volume…” while he said that you heard someone running towards the kitchen, and before you knew it Donghyuk stood in the middle of the room with questioning eyes.

“Tell who what?” He asked, and moved his arms up and down.

You did not even bother to answer him, and just jumped down from the counter, before walking towards the living room.

“Nice move, Donghyuk.”

“What?”

Hanbin and Donghyuk stayed in the kitchen, while you sat yourself down on the couch besides Bobby. Thoughts were racing inside your head, and you could not help to feel a little annoyed and sad about what just happen in the kitchen. Why do he always make comments like that. It bothered you so much because he could not tell that there was nothing going on between you and Hanbin.

Jinhwan where nowhere to be seen, he probably went back into his room right after he got out of the kitchen. At this point you did not even care where he was. Hanbin came into the room, and placed himself beside you, pulling you into his embrace, kissing the top of your head before stroking your hair while you relaxed on his shoulder. Bobby’s eyes lit up, and before he even got to say anything Hanbin interrupted him.

“There is nothing going on, we are just really good friends, so skinship between us is okay.” It was like he really had to explain It word by word to Bobby for him not to freak out about it. Bobby nodded, a little hesitant and thoughtful, before he turned around and watched tv again.

“When is your next practice?” You tried to change the subject, to not let Bobby think more about it, including yourself.

“Tomorrow at noon, you can come and watch if you want to. As far as I know you signed up to use the practice room after us.” Bobby looked over at you with a smirk, while turning his body towards you and Hanbin. Before you even got to say anything, he spat out a comment.

“You two really look like an old married couple.” Hanbin pulled back a little, while Bobby laughed. You felt a little uncomfortable now, that was not a comment you wanted to hear. Hanbin could tell you didn’t feel well, so he straightened his body up, and turned towards you.

“Why don’t we go for a walk? You look like you need some fresh air.” He smiled at you and stood up. You did not even answer before you stood up yourself, and before you knew it you two were out the door.

Now you were walking around in the streets around their dorm, to be sure that no one saw you two together. You talked about random things, just to get your thoughts on something else. The walk ended after one hour walking around I circles. Hanbin decided to walk you home, to be sure you came home safe. You said your goodbyes, and you locked yourself into your apartment.

You headed straight to bed, just lying there on your phone for a while, before the thoughts came back. After thinking about it for a long time, you promised yourself one thing. If Jinhwan tried to make a comment tomorrow, you were going to ignore it no matter what. Maybe even if he tried to talk to you, so he could get the same feeling you got after practice the other day. You were done playing nice.

~

The alarm on your phone made echoes in your bedroom, and you instantly woke up and turned it off. There was only 45 minutes left of the boys practice, so you decided to get out the door as quickly as possible. Dressing up and putting your hair in a ponytail, you found your things and went out of the door. After a 10 minute walk, you were there. The elevator ride felt like it was never going to end.  A few steps were taken after you walked out of the elevator, and you were in front of the practice room door. You could hear the music clearly, it was intense and the volume were at max.

You opened the door carefully to not to interrupt them and you moved over to the extra couch in the room and sat down. They were so concentrated, but Donghyuk and Chanwoo nodded their head towards you and smiled, to let you know they saw you. They were in the middle of a choreography, and you could not help to stare at them, and bobbing your head in the rhythm of the music.

When the song ended, some of them laid down on the floor, gasping for air. The rest of them moved over to the side of the room to get their water bottles, while Hanbin, moved over to you and gave you a big bear hug. You returned the hug and smiled, and closed your eyes since you did not want to see the other boys reaction, especially not Jinhwan’s. You could feel his piercing gaze even when you closed your eyes. Hanbin pulled back, at you looked at Jinhwan who seemed like he was about to say something, but he closed his mouth again.

“Can you pleaaaaaase dance for us Y/N?” Yunhyeong asked with puppy eyes, while walking over to you and Hanbin.

“Me? Why?”

“Because we all love it when you dance for us, and we need a break. Pretty please?” He pouted now, and you did not want to disappoint him.

“Okay, but only ONE dance.” You added weight on the word one. You actually hated dancing in front of them, especially when all of them were in the same room. You stood up, and moved over to the stereo to plug in your phone. In the corner of your eye you could see Jinhwan placing himself in the corner of the room near the door, but again you tried to ignore him. The music started playing, and you ran to the center of the floor.

You went into your own little world, letting every move flow through your whole body, you could also feel your eyes closing, and they stayed closed the whole time while you were dancing. When you finished, you could hear the applause and cheering from the boys, while you sat down on the floor to get some air. You looked up at them, and even Jinhwan was cheering on you with a surprised look. You smiled to yourself before standing up.

They boys started talking, but Jinhwan was the only one to approach you. You felt nervous, and you could not ignore him now since he was the only one who gave you attention at the moment.

“You’ve improved.” He smiled and looked at you with impressed eyes.

“Thank you.” You spoke in a low tone, did not smile, or look at him. It was so hard trying to be cold when he complimented you. You had to fight the urge to throw your arms around his neck and hugging him.

“Why so cold?”

“If you have no clue, then I have nothing to say to you.” You walked away, over to the other boys at the couch, and he just stood there, confused of what just happened.

They guys said something about having to go, so they stood up and walked towards the door.

“I will stay here with Y/N. I want to see more of her dancing and how much she’s improved.” The words came out like a bullet form Jinhwan’s mouth, and you turned around and looked at him with big eyes. The boys just nodded and walked out of the room.

There it was again, the awkward tension. Both of you just stood there, looking at each other like you had never seen each other before, like you did not know each other. You wanted to break the silence and the tension so bad, but before you realized, you had already made it even more awkward.

“Me and Hanbin aren’t dating.” You looked down at the floor and bit you lip, scared of what his answer would be. But to your surprise, there was no response at first. The silence was unbearable, and you just wanted to run and hide.

“What? Where did that theme even come from?”

You looked up, and walked towards him with angry eyes.

“Because, every time, literally every time you see me and Hanbin alone you make a comment. And I’ve had enough of it. Yes, we dated two years ago, but we are through. We are just good friends. I can’t believe you sometimes.”

You stood right in front of him, and you could feel one of the veins in your forehead nearly popping. You could see the shock on his face of what you just said, he had never seen you like this before.

“I know you’re not dating.”

“What?”

“I said I know….” You interrupted him.

“I heard what you said. But if you know we are not dating, why do you make all these comments? It’s so unnecessary.”

“I thought it was fun, and I thought you guys understood that I was just joking.”

“I can’t believe you Kim Jinhwan. I actually liked you, but now I’m not so sure anymore. Yes, it’s maybe a stupid thing to get so mad about, but I’ve had enough. I have shown you so many signs for the past months, and you haven’t even seen them. If I knew you were like this, I would never get interested in you at all.” You got you bag, and stormed out before he could even say anything.

He just stood there, shocked and confused. The boys came back in since they heard screaming, and walked up to him.

“What happen?” Bobby asked laying a hand on Jinhwan’s shoulder.

“I have no idea.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I apologize if there are any grammar mistakes, but as I’ve said before, english is not my mother tongue ;)) Hope you liked it!

[gloomstudy]

11 questions tag!

tagged by @piiess, @hinatastudy​, @armcnia​, @eunoiastudy​, @milkyjournals​, and @gentlealienstudies. ahh so many people ;; thank you so much, you guys!!

all of my answers are under the cut!! :)

questions from piiess:

what is your most used social media besides tumblr? does youtube count? i’m on there pretty often.

favorite genre of music and song(s) recommendations from said genre? i’ve really been loving lo-fi music, and here are my recs!

the latest book you read? my aesthetics text book, lmao.

describe you clothing style. pretty much all neutral colors (grey, black, navy blue). also, comfort > everything else. lately, i’ve been wearing a loose t-shirt, a light jacket or hoodie, skinny jeans, and sneakers. very simple. :)

what is the weirdest dream you’ve had? i don’t remember what exactly happened, but i vividly remember that victor nikiforov from yoi was in it, and i felt oddly satisfied???

would you rather live in an apartment or a house? an apartment, as long as my neighbors aren’t too noisy.

your future goals. i hope to graduate successfully from college, become an audio engineer, and maybe compose/produce some original music! having a doggo to keep my company would be nice, too. :’)

coffee, tea, both or neither? tea~

all time favorite movie(s). here are my movie recs!

do you want to time-travel? if yes, where to? i’d love to go into the future to see what kinds of super cool technology exists. ^_^

dusk or dawn? dusk.

questions from hinatastudy:

what’s your favorite animal? giraffes!

do you read magazines? occasionally.

favorite youtubers? gloomgames, cloudyapples, bethany mota, ryan higa, jenn im, kina grannis, and a bunch of others!!

do you prefer writing in pen or pencil? pen.

pc or mac? / android/iphone?? pc and android!

do you prefer handwritten notes or typed out notes? handwritten when i’m studying, and typed when i’m in lecture.

favorite tv show? teen wolf!

favorite fictional character? kira yukimura from teen wolf. she deserved better!

if you could wake up and be fluent in another language what would it be? japanese.

do you like wearing hats? ehhh, not really, although i don’t mind wearing a beanie when the weather gets colder.

do you collect anything? if so, what? stationery, lol.

questions from armcnia:

best concert you’ve been to? seeing the san francisco symphony!

favorite dessert? ice cream. :’)

what do you like to cook/bake? i rarely cook/bake, oops ._.

what is the clumsiest thing you’ve done? tripping on myself, lmao.

proudest moment? getting into my dream school! ^_^

pineapple on pizza? HELL YEAH. (sorry to anyone who doesn’t like it.)

do you lose things easily? nope.

favorite word? mellifluous.

fictional character you relate to the most? kira yukimura from teen wolf.

what’s the best thing you own? uhhh...i honestly have no idea.

favorite time of year? transitioning from summer to fall, when the weather is not too hot and not too cold. :’)

questions from eunoiastudy:

what’s the object directly to your right? ikea 2018 catalog, which i haven’t flipped through yet.

what triggers the most nostalgia for you? drinking apple juice! i always feel like a little kid every time, hehe.

favorite fictional character? kira yukimura from teen wolf!

favorite color combo? lavender, ice blue, and blush pink! i also really like slate blue and light grey together, kinda like my mobile theme and desktop theme.

favorite place you’ve ever been? disneyland! i’ve only been there once, and i’d love to go again. 

what is your dream school? i’m already at my dream school: uc berkeley, also known as cal. go bears! :D

if you could live anywhere in the universe, where would you choose? the andromeda galaxy seems pretty cool. 

if you could travel to any point in time, where (when) would you go? the future to see what kinds of cool technology exists. ^_^

if you could immediately memorize all the contents of one book, which book would you choose? uhhh...idk, maybe some kind of encyclopedia, i guess?

what’s your favorite word? mellifluous.

would you rather erase your favorite book from the face of the earth, or erase your favorite movie from the face of the earth? oh gosh...i think i’d probably go with erasing my favorite book from the face of the earth since i don’t always have time to read for leisure anymore ;;

questions from milkyjournals:

what’s your favorite fruit? kiwi!

what’s your favorite stationery that you currently have? my tombow brush pens. :’)

what drink do you like to order at restaurants? depends on the restaurant, but since i usually go to chinese restaurants, i just like having the oolong tea that they give you for free, lol. 

do you play any instruments? if so, which ones? yes! i play the piano, violin, viola, cello, erhu, acoustic guitar, recorder, and harmonica. 

who’s your favorite music artist? ahhh i have too many, but i really like kina grannis!

what’s your favorite clothing item? my cal hoodie. it keeps me nice and warm. ^_^

do you have any pets? tell me about them! i don’t have any ;; but i used to have tropical fish, and they lasted for a pretty long time!

how was your day? it’s been pretty good so far! i started learning how to use Max MSP 7, and i’m having so much fun. i’m one step closer to becoming an audio engineer ahhh :D

favorite type of tea? if you’re a coffee person, favorite type of coffee? genmaicha (brown rice tea) and green tea are my top 2 favorites.

are you nostalgic? yeee sometimes.

what’s your favorite ice cream flavor? green tea!

questions from gentlealienstudies:

if you could learn any language which would you learn? aside from japanese, i’d love to learn korean!

if you could go back in time and change one thing what would you change? i wish hillary clinton or bernie sanders were our president...

do you believe in soulmates? ehhh kinda, but not really. whatever happens, happens, i guess.

favorite subject and why? music! it’s the one thing that i know i’m good at, and it’s my strongest subject. i’m also really passionate about it, so that’s why i study it in school! :)

describe your aesthetic? music, muted and neutral colors, the gentle pitter-patter of the rain falling on your window, cloudy skies, the occasional sunshine peeking out from the clouds, and a hint of fangirl. ^_^

what inspired you to get a studyblr? my lack of motivation in the middle of the spring 2017 semester, along with scrolling through other studyblrs, really sparked something in me, so i decided to start a studyblr, and i’m really glad that i did!!

night owl or morning bird? definitely a night owl.

what song have you had on repeat lately? “blood” - day6

do you have a bullet journal? yes!!

what do you listen to while studying? mostly lo-fi hip-hop and chill electronic.

favorite season and why? ahh i really love summer because there’s (usually) no school, but i also really like fall because the weather is not too hot and not too cold. also, my birthday is in the fall! :’)

asdfghjkl; i’m too lazy to come up with more questions lol. anyone is more than welcome to answer the same questions, though!! thank you again to these 6 lovely people for tagging me!! ^_^

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior 6/11/21 - IN THE HEIGHTS, PETER RABBIT: THE RUNAWAY, INFINITE, UNDINE, HOLLER and More

This is going to be a tough week to deliver a full column just because I’ve been so insanely busy doing other things for my real job. More on that below, but first, I totally screwed up last week. I totally left out a movie I had been looking forward to, without realizing it was released last Friday, since I didn’t have it on my release list. I ended up inadvertantly leaving it completely out of my column. Bad Ed. (This week's column is brought to you by Ian McNabb's new album "Utopian" -- a fantastic new extra-length offering from the former Icicle Works frontman -- that just means that I was listening to it while writing this week's column. No $$$ was exchanged.)

That movie I missed last week was UNDINE (IFC Films), the new film from German filmmaker Christian Petzold, who has made some fantastic films, including Phoenix and Barbara. It reunites Petzold with the stars of his last movie, Transit, Paula Beer and Franz Rogowski. It’s a fairly bizarre film that plays around with myths about water nymphs, but it takes some time before you realize that’s what it’s about since it follows Beer’s Undine, as one of her relationships ends and another begins with an underwater diver. After winning the FIPRESCI Prize and the Silver Bear for Ms. Beer at the 70th Berlin International Film Festival, it’s now playing in select theaters, including the IFC Center and Film at LIncoln Center as well as on digital and VOD platforms.

The film starts with a conversation between a man and a woman, Undine and Johannes, the latter who is breaking up with the former. From there, we watch a rather strange relationship build between Undine and a diver who she meets when a fish tank explodes all over them in a coffee shop. Yeah, it’s one of those kinds of movies. But Undine is one of Petzold’s more romantic films even if it takes an artier and dreamlike approach to show this romance unfold, and then it just gets weirder and weirder and more enigmatic. Water is definitely a recurring theme in what I could only really call a female power fantasy, but you know what? We’ve seen so many male power fantasies, it’s kind of nice seeing this sort of thing from a female viewpoint, and Beer is quite amazing -- well worthy of the accolades she’s been receiving. Undine is a fine addition to Poltzold’s growing filmography, although it didn’t hit me quite like Phoenix did, and I’m not sure I’d race out to see it a second time.

Before we get to this week’s new wide releases, this week also begins the 20th Anniversary Tribeca Festival -- note the absence of the word "Film" -- which as luck would have it opens on Wednesday with the World Premiere of the biggest and widest release of the weekend, the Jon M. Chu-directed musical, IN THE HEIGHTS (Warner Bros.)! I really haven’t seen much from it yet, so I have very little to say at this time. Hopefully, I’ll have time to watch more over the next week and a half.

In case you haven’t heard, In the Heights is based on the Lin-Manuel Miranda musical that preceded Hamilton, and it focuses on the Washington Heights area of NYC, primarily the LatinX community that has lived and thrived there but is dealing with things like gentrification destroying it. The movie stars Anthony Ramos (from Hamilton and A Star is Born) playing Usnavy, a bodega shop owner who dreams of returning to the Dominican Republic and reopening his father’s snack bar. He also has eyes on the beautiful Vanessa (Melissa Barrera), who wants to move downtown and get into fashion. Meanwhile, Nina (Leslie Grace) has returned to the neighborhood from college and she reunites with her ex Benny (Corey Hawkins) and that relationship is rekindled. Nina’s father (Jimmy Smits) is a big shot in the neighborhood, running the car service, but he’s been selling it off to pay for Nina’s school.

I already reviewed the movie here, but reviews are generally great with 96% on Rotten Tomatoes, and people have been chomping at the bit for this movie to be released after it was delayed nearly a year from 2020 due to COVID. Although Lin-Manuel Miranda only has a small role in the movie, he’s probably going to be the film’s biggest selling point, especially considering how many people watched Hamilton when it was released on Disney+ last summer -- that, too, was originally intended for a theatrical release.

For director Jon M. Chu, this is his first feature film since Crazy Rich Asians, which was a huge box office hit, but it also had a similar cultural impact of what is expected from In the Heights. It opened with $26.5 million in 3,384 theaters in August, 2018, but then it had massive legs over the course of the summer to gross $174.5 million total. While it didn’t end up getting the awards love many expected, it did help to make the likes of Constance Wu, Akwafina, and Henry Golding bigger stars, as well as boosting the careers of Gemma Chan, Jimmy O. Yang and other Asian-American actors. One can presume that In the Heights will do the same for Ramos and a few others, although it’s still too early to see if it will have legs when it’s so easy to rewatch on HBO Max.

The movie is one of the summer’s big buzz movies that should continue to bring people back to theaters with the positive reviews leading to inevitable positive word-of-mouth among a moviegoing audience that for a long time brought a ton of business into theaters.

I feel like In the Heights could make a play for $30 million this weekend even with the knowledge that it’s also playing on HBO Max. It just seems like a lot of people are going to want to see this in a theater with other people, and frankly, it’s been so hot outside, especially in New York, that it’s going to be a great option to see in theaters in order to get some much-needed air conditioning, if nothing else. But expect it to do well enough among audiences to have some significant legs, although I’m a little hesitant at calling it to make $100 million even with restrictions being reduced and more theaters opening every weekend. I’d love to see it happen but for now, I’ll stick with around $80 million for its domestic gross.

Also opening wide this week is the family sequel, PETER RABBIT 2: THE RUNAWAY (Sony Pictures), which has also been delayed a number of times since COVID hit. Once again directed by Will Gluck (Easy A), the sequel had a plum Easter release last year or maybe that was this year. Honestly, I don’t remember. In the sequel, Beatrix Potter’s popular literary character Peter Rabbit (voiced by James Corden) has to contend with the couple from the first movie, played by Rose Byrne and Domhnall Gleeson, are getting married, and Peter’s feeling a bit put-out, because he’s considered the “troublemaker” among the bunny family of Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Benjamin (voiced by Margot Robbie, Elizabeth Debicki, Aimee Horne and Colin Moody). He ends up running away (duh) and getting in with a group of London animal crooks, including the rabbit Barnabas (voiced by Lennie James from Fear the Walking Dead), who may have been friends with Peter’s father.

I only first watched the first Peter Rabbit movie, originally released on February 9, 2018, earlier this week before watching the sequel, and honestly, that first movie was much better than I expected and better than it should have been, and I probably could say the same for the sequel. I generally love Rose Byrne, and oddly, I like James Corden voicing Peter Rabbit more than I have other things he’s done. Maybe it’s just that Beatrix Potter’s character works even when put into a modern setting where Byrne seems to be playing a version of Potter who ends up getting a big publishing deal with David Oyelowo (another actor I like) playing the publishing big wig who wants Bea to change things. It’s just as funny seeing Peter fighting with Gleeson’s McGregor for the film’s physical humor to help sustain a second movie.

Actually, I kind of liked that Gluck’s movie is kind of wholesome rarely going for the easy laughs or things we’ve seen in far too many animated movies (slow-motion and bathroom humor, for instance), and also having jokes that only the parents will laugh at. The film is also quite a technical marvel because mixing CG characters with live action ones is something that rarely turns out well (see Sony’s Smurfs movies, for instance) but CG production house Animal Logic, who also did Happy Feet and The LEGO Movie, really now how to give these furry, cuddly creatures real physical attributes that makes even cynical adults like myself completely believe in them.

Let’s get to some box office thoughts. The original Peter Rabbit movie opened with $25 million, which is pretty good for a family film from the before times. More importantly, it made $115 million in domestic theaters as it lasted through the summer, which shows that kids and families really loved Corden’s take on the popular children’s book character. Even though these are different times, and we are not seeing that many movies opening with more than $25 million, the success of the first movie means that kids will probably not be too old to want to see Peter Rabbit’s new adventures.

I think this one can probably open with $14 to 16 million when you realize there isn’t very much competition for family audiences, at least nothing PG, because even DIsney’s Raya and the Last Dragon is now on DIsney+. (Okay, there's also Spirit Untamed, but that proved to be quite a non-starter, and this seems like an easier sell to a wider group of kids and even adults.) That and the fact that Peter Rabbit 2 isn’t simultaneously on streaming should give it a strong play for second place this weekend, and don’t be surprised if it has similar legs to make $60 million plus just in theaters alone.

Also being released fairly wide is the Deon Taylor-directed horror comedy sequel, THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR: MEET THE BLACKS 2 (Lionsgate), which probably wasn’t screened for critics in advance. I’m not quite sure how wide Lionsgate is planning to go with this, but the original movie opened in over 1,000 theaters in April 2016 and made $4 million its opening weekend and $9 million total. One can assume that the first movie was popular enough to create an audience for the second movie that hasn’t really had what we used to call an “urban comedy” in quite some time, particularly since Paramount’s Coming 2 America ended up streaming on Amazon. Since audiences are generally trying to get back out to theaters, it’s safe to assume that the audience for this kind of comedy feels the same. I probably could see this opening with around $3 million, but it’s hard to say without having a definite theater count. I’ve become quite a big fan of Taylor in the years since the first movie, so I might even venture out to see this if I have the time.

Directed by Antoine Fuqua and starring Mark Wahlberg, the sci-fi action movie INFINITE (Paramount+) was supposed to get a theatrical release but is instead being dumped to Paramount+, and sadly, dumped is the operative word here, because it pains me to say that the duo behind Shooter and other cool movies I’ve enjoyed have made a very, very, very, very, very bad movie.

The fairly ridiculous premise -- which to be fair is based on a book called “The Reincarnationist Papers” by D. Eric Maikranz -- involves a cadre of people known as Infinites who can remember everything from their past lives. There are “good Infinites” called Believers, and “bad Infinites” called Nihilists who are sick of living through their pasts so they just want to make the whole world burn.

Wahlberg plays Evan McCauley, a good “Infinite” even though he only remembers part of things from the past, and he’s thought to be the reincarnation of one of the Believers’ leaders named “Heinrich Treadway,” who we see die in a car chase through Mexico City in the film’s opening. Treadaway’s mortal enemy is Bathurst, played by Chiewetel Ejiofor, who wouldn’t mind finding and killing Treadaway first because he has an “Egg” with great power that can help end the world.

Okay, the premise could definitely be interesting, despite being an obvious Highlander rip-off, but unfortunately, it becomes very obvious that a movie like this constantly needs to explain to the viewer why this premise is “so cool,” and whenever anyone does try to explain anything, it just sounds incredibly stupid. We’ve seen so many sci-fi action movies like this one, and frankly, I was a little surprised that this one didn’t star Bruce Willis, because it definitely seemed like his thing. (Anyone remember Surrogates? That movie’s director, Jonathan Mostow, is STILL in directors’ jail!!) But more importantly, it reminds me of a much better version of the same idea that was just released, called The Old Guard, which … what the fuck?!? … also starred Chiwetel Ejiofor!! (At least in that one, he doesn't have a ridiculous accent and isn't chewing up every single bit of scenery.)

Yeah, it’s hard to forget that you’re watching an inferior version of The Old Guard when Ejiofor is RIGHT THERE, but this one combines a lame attempt at world-building with some surprisingly decent action scenes, but it’s also hard not to think that Fuqua -- and I say this as one of the director’s biggest fans -- was trying to do his own version of The Matrix. But any opportunity to do something cool in the action realm is destroyed as soon as we get more “splaining” about this world, a lot of it done by Jason Mantzoukas as the Artisan, a mad surgeon who also explains things in a confusing way that it never helps. He’s also the film’s only attempt at humor, and he’s done far better in other things. The film’s only real female character, Sophie Cookson’s Norah, is so bland and generic that you quickly forget what she’s bringing to the movie, if anything. (As you watch the movie, you realize how smart it was for Chris Evans to get out while the gettin' was good.)

By the time it gets to the final climax, we get a somewhat decent final battle on an airplane between Treadway and Bathurst, but by then it’s too late. We get some horrible narration before the movie ends with a set-up for a possible sequel will not make ANYONE (particularly critics) happy if that sequel does indeed happen.

Infinite makes it obvious that remembering one’s past lives could only be made much worse by having watched this movie in one of them. This is horrendously bad, awful crap.

A big release on the streaming series side of things is Marvel Studios’ LOKI (Disney+), the first episode of which is on the streamer now. I’ve actually seen the first two episodes and they’re interesting. Essentially, Loki has been captured by the Time Variance Authority (TVA), an organization that exists outside time and is charged with making sure that variant timelines and people aren’t created by things like Loki’s stunt in Avengers: Endgame where he got out of the Avengers’ grip using the tesseract, essentially changing his own timeline. I watched the first two episodes and thought they were pretty good but not the OMG THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!!! that everything Marvel does seems to get from the rubes calling themselves “film critics.” I liked seeing Hiddleton returning as the characters, because he’s quite good as Loki, although Owen Wilson (as TVA agent Mobius) basically seems to be playing himself and not really doing anything particularly memorable. Because of that, Loki comes off as a buddy comedy with a lot of conversations between Loki and Owen Wilson, so if that’s your thing, then maybe you’ll like Loki, but maybe it’ll also get better over the next few episodes as WandaVision did. (I mean, one thing I can say as a positive is that the Marvel Studios/Disney+ series have been much more watchable than the Netflix/Marvel series, because I didn’t get through a single one of those.)

Chris Appelhans’ animated WISH DRAGON (Netflix) was originally going to be released by Sony Pictures since it was produced by Sony Pictures Animation as a Chinese co-production, but for whatever reason, it’s now going to be on Netflix. I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet but hope to get to it soon.

Also now on Netflix is Mark Raso’s thriller AWAKE, starring Gina Rodriguez as Jill, a former soldier in a world that’s been hit by a catastrophe that wipes out all electronics and eliminates humanity’s ability to sleep. Jill realizes that her daughter may be the key to salvation but isn’t sure if she wants to sacrifice her to save the world. Again, another movie that I just couldn’t find the time to watch if I wanted to get my work done for Below the Line. (Things are very busy right now because Emmy nominations take place over the next couple weeks.)

Jessica Barden (The End of the F*** World) stars in Nicole Riegel’s indie drama, HOLLER (IFC FIlms), playing Ruth Avery, a young woman who sees her acceptance into college as a way to get out of her dreary Southern Ohio town. She decides to take a job on a dangerous scrap metal crew with her older brother (Gus Halper) while stealing metal at night in order to pay her way to college, and she finds herself torn between her future and her family. The movie also stars Pamela Adlon as their mother. After premiering at last year’s Toronto International Film Festival, Holler will be released in theaters and digitally and On Demand this Friday.

I actually thought this one wasn’t bad even though it treads on rather familiar indie drama territory of wanting to get out of one’s town and get out into the world. Obviously, Barden’s presence is what really drives the film, because she is such a fantastic presence. I especially liked her in Jungleland, but this shows what she can do in a full-on leading role. While I wouldn’t urge anyone to race out to their local cinema to see Holler, it’s not a bad debut feature from Riegel, who built it out from a previous short, which feels somewhat obvious.

I was able to see Prano Bailey-Bond’s CENSOR (Magnet) at Sundance earlier this year and found it to be a nice creepy video nasty. It stars Niah Algar as Enid Barnes, a film censor who watches and rates horrible low-budget horror videos but who is also obsessed with finding her missing sister and seemingly finding a clue in a particularly strange horror film. Censor will hit theaters Friday and then be on digital on June 18, but I’ll have to watch it again to remember if I liked it for more than Niah Algar’s performance.

Starting on Friday up at Film at Lincoln Center is a special “Big Screen Summer: NYFF58 Redux” which is basically showcasing a bunch of movies from last year’s New York Film Festival, which was mainly held virtually, but now you can finally see many of them in the FilmLinc theaters, running from June 11 through August 26, and it includes things like Steve McQueen’s “Small Axe Anthology” (which haven’t been screened theatrically in New York other than at drive-ins). Click on the link above to see when any of your favorites or ones you missed will be screening.

I didn’t get a chance to watch Ty Roberts’ adaptation of Jim Dent’s novel, 12 MIGHTY ORPHANS (Sony Pictures Classics), but it opens in Texas this Friday and then nationwide on June 18. Starring Luke Wilson, Martin Sheen, Robert Duvall, Wayne Knight and Vinessa Shaw, it tells the story of the Mighty Mites football team of Fort Worth, made up of orphans during the Great Depression who barely had shoes or football but with the help of legendary high school coach Rusty Russell (Wilson), gave up a lucrative position to teach and coach the orphanage team. Rusty developed strategies that would allow the scrawny team to beat much bigger players on the football field. I’ll probably try to write something more about this next week.

Some of the movies I just didn’t have time to write about include:

QUEEN OF SPADES (Dread) SUBLET (Greenwich) ASIA (Mnemsha Films) UPHEAVAL (Abramorama) THE MISFITS (Highland Film Group, The Avenue) QUEEN BEES (Gravitas Ventures)

Next week’s big release is another sequel, THE HITMAN’S WIFE’S BODYGUARD (Lionsgate), but also Edgar Wright’s documentary, THE SPARKS BROTHERS (Focus Features), will be released after its festival run.

[siliconwebx]

How to Optimize Your Divi Layout for Mobile Devices

We all know that websites need to be optimized for mobile. In fact, the strategy of web design has shifted to think “mobile first”. This makes sense considering there are over 4 billion people using mobile phones worldwide.

Divi’s visual builder is a useful design tool for building websites for mobile. It has a lot of structural features built in that adjust to tablet and smartphone without you having to do anything. On top of that, you can set custom responsive settings for desktop, tablet, and smartphone for all sections, rows, and modules. This gives you a lot of power over your mobile design.

This post is meant to help you understand the options available within Divi so that you can make those adjustments to mobile with confidence. And, having this knowledge will help you to think “mobile first” at the start of your projects, instead of patching up the mobile design after the fact.

The techniques shared in this post will help you do the following:

Control the vertical spacing between sections and rows

Make blurbs (or any module) span fullwidth on mobile, but not on desktop

Adjust unwanted column spacing on mobile

Optimizing buttons for mobile

Let’s get started.

What You Need to Get Started

To get started, you will need the following:

The Divi Theme (installed and active)

A new page with the Locksmith About Page Layout loaded

Sneak Peek

Here is a peek at the tablet and smartphone design we will be building.

Keep in mind that the changes made are minimal but the techniques used will help you think properly about how to make more advanced changes to your own layouts.

Set Default Spacing Between Sections and Rows to 0

By Default, Divi will set your default spacing between rows and sections. If you navigate to theme customizer > General Settings > Layout Settings, you will see the default section height is set to 4 which equates to 50px of top and bottom padding per sections. The row height is set to 2 which equates to 30px of top and bottom padding per row. Instead of keeping these defaults and then having to change each one individually when customizing your layout, you can start fresh by assigning a value of 0 for both your section and row height. This will make your default top and bottom padding to 0px. That way when you go to edit your layout, you will have a better idea of what you are dealing with when adding custom spacing.

You can do the same for the Mobile displays as well. Navigate to Theme Customizer > Mobile Styles and set your section and row heights to 0 as well.

Add Custom Spacing Between Sections and Rows to Your Layout

For this use case tutorial, I’m going to use the Locksmith About Page Layout as an example. Once you import the layout to the page, you will see the new spacing defaults have made your sections and rows a lot closer so that the content stacks on top of each other without much spacing at all.

Now we can add our custom padding to each of our sections and rows. First, let’s check out the section settings for the top section of the layout.

Notice a custom padding has been set with a top padding of 6vw. This is a nice amount of space to serve as our default for all remaining sections on the page as well. So I suggest adding a complimentary bottom padding of 6vw as well. Then copy the custom padding to your clipboard so you can easily paste that style option to the rest of your sections on the page.

The 6vw length value ensures the padding will scale fluidly with the width of your browser window so you really don’t need to set a custom value for mobile devices. This is a great way to save time and get rid of unwanted space on mobile as well.

Now right click on the rest of your sections and paste the custom padding to each.

Now your sections will have a new custom spacing that scales with your browser sizes.

We can do the same for our rows as well. Click to open the top row in the first section that holds the main title of the page. Then add a top and bottom padding of 3vw (half the value of our section spacing). Then copy the custom padding.

Now paste the new custom padding to each of your rows throughout the layout. Depending on your layout design, some rows will need to keep their custom padding, so be aware of this when pasting your custom padding to each row. If you want get rid of some space, you could set all your rows to only have a bottom padding of 3vw.

With the vw length unit spacing your rows and sections, the length of your page will shrink as the spacing scales with your browser.

Adjust Column Margin on Mobile

The spacing between columns are controlled by gutter width. Depending on the gutter width you have selected, Divi will smartly and conveniently add a degree of spacing between columns. For the most part, you want to take advantage of this gutter width option. If you ever had to create a column structure from scratch using html/css then you know how much of a headache that can be.

By default the gutter width for your rows are set to a value of 3 (which represents a 5.5% right margin between columns).

Take a look at the row in the second section of the Locksmith About Page Layout. Notice that it has a column structure of 1/4 1/4 1/2. The gutter with of the row is set to 2 (which represents a 3% right margin between columns).

On Tablet, the two 1/4 columns will still remain side by side to retain the grid layout for the images.

On smartphone, gutter width doesn’t really come into play since everything will need to be stacked on top of each other. There is no need for horizontal spacing anymore.

The images that make up the grid are in two columns that, when stacked on mobile, are divided by a 30px margin. This little extra space is actually a bottom margin of 30px that is applied to all columns that have a gutter width greater than 1.

This bottom margin comes in handy in most cases as a convenient way to break up content on mobile. But sometimes it may add a little spacing that you don’t need on smartphone.

One way to fix this is to adjust the bottom margins of the images to account for the 30px bottom margin. Currently each image has a bottom margin of 12%. All you need to do is change the bottom margin to 30px on smartphone for all images except the second image in the first column.

Since the first column will already have the 30px bottom margin on mobile, set the second image in the first column to have a bottom margin of 0px.

Or if you prefer to get rid of this margin altogether, you can just add the following snippet of CSS to Column 1 in your row settings.

margin-bottom: 0px !important;

This will get rid of the bottom margin for that column.

To take it a step further, I could set the bottom margin value for each of my images to 0px (on smartphone display) so the images will stack without spacing, saving scroll time on smartphones.

Creating Fullwidth Blurbs on Mobile

In the next section of our layout, there is a three column row with a blurb in each one. The row has a custom width of 1440px. Technically, this is a max-width value of 1440px so that the row won’t expand passed 1440px on large browser sizes. On smaller browsers, the row will take on a width of 80% and scale nicely. To say it another way, the width of the row will be 80% of the width of the section until it reaches 1440px wide.

On tablet and smartphone, the three columns take on a width of 100% and stack on top of each other but they still are contained by the 80% row width.

To save some space on mobile, you may want to have these blurbs span the full width of your section so that no space exists on either side.

To do this, we need to rethink the way we set up our row. Instead of having a 1440px custom width, change the custom width to 100%. You could also choose the “make this row fullwidth” option but bear in mind that if you set the row to fullwidth (with a 2 gutter width), the width of your row will actually be 94%, leaving you 3% of margin on each side of the row. To simplify the math of it all, it would be best to use a custom width of 100%.

The main goal here is to think mobile first so that our content/blurbs span the full width of the page on tablet and smartphone. But since the current layout doesn’t really call for a fullwidth row in the design on desktop, you can gain some of that space back by adding padding to the row. If we want to gain back a row that spans 80% wide, we need to add 10% of padding on each side (10% + 10% = 20% and 100% – 20% = 80%). This will ensure your content will span 80% of the page.

Now we can adjust the padding on tablet and smartphone to 0% so that the blurbs/content will span the full width of the page.

To make sure that they stack on top of each other, you can add a custom bottom margin of -30px for the first two blurbs. This will push them down over the bottom margin of 30px added by the column and hide the box shadow for a nice clean design on mobile.

Customizing Divider Height for Mobile

Divider heights play an important design role in many of our layouts. But it is important to keep a consistent design on mobile as well. There are a few techniques that will help you customize the divider height for mobile.

First, you should consider setting your height with a vw length unit. Look at the section of the Locksmith About Page layout right under the section with the three blurbs. If you look at the top divider height on this layout, you will notice it has been set to 18vw.

This will make sure the divider will scale perfectly with your browser window without having to set additional values for tablet and smartphone. Setting it to a pixel value will cause the divider to smush together or expand on different browser widths since the height will never change with the width of the divider. You could add additional px values for tablet and mobile, but the solution is a bit choppy since the design will jump to different heights as you adjust the browser. In short, using vw will ensure your design will stay exactly the same on all browser sizes while the px value will cause the design to move and jump around.

This doesn’t mean you can’t add additional settings to customize the design for mobile. In fact, you may prefer a much cleaner layout for mobile. All you would need to do is adjust the divider height to have less height and possibly less of a horizontal repeat.

For example, you could add a divider height of 10vw for smartphone with a horizontal repeat of .3 to get a flatter design and a smoother transition.

Or set your height to 0 on smartphone to get rid of the divider altogether.

Customizing Buttons on Mobile

On mobile, you want those buttons to be easily recognized and clickable. So instead of making buttons smaller on mobile, you may want to adjust the clickable area so that it spans a greater width of your mobile screen. For example, a small button left aligned will not be as easy to click for a right hander using one thumb to browse your site. The user would have to reach for it. One solution to this is to make sure your buttons are fullwidth on mobile.

You can adjust the size of your buttons on mobile a few different ways in Divi. The simplest way to do this is to add some custom padding to your button.

Using the Locksmith About Page layout, go to the top section and adjust the button settings to have the following custom padding on smartphone:

Custom Padding (Smartphone): 1em Top, 1em Bottom, 2em Left, 2em right

The em value is related to the size of the button text size which is currently set to 20px on smartphone. So 1em would be equal to 20px. So the top and bottom of the button would be 20px. 2em is equal to 40px (2 times 20px) so the button would have a padding of 40px on the right and left.

To make things run a little smoother and predictable on mobile, you could set your text size to a vw length unit. This will take a little trial and error to get the right size since it all depends on your font and the amount of button text you have.

Go ahead a set the button text size as follows:

Button Text Size (Smartphone): 5.6vw

Since the padding is already set with em (based on text size), both the text and the padding of the button would scale with the size of the browser. It will also ensure that the button text will never break to a different line.

Don’t panic that the text seems really big in the visual builder preview. This is only because the text is using your browser to determine its size, not the width of the preview box. This goes for all vw length units so be careful to test this in a separate window on the live site to see the results.

Now your button takes up more room and appears to be almost centered even though it is left aligned for this design. But you can always change the module to centered to make sure.

Another quick solution to increasing the width of your button on mobile is to set your button as a block element only on mobile. The best way to do this is by adding a snippet of custom css. Go to Theme Customizer > Additional CSS and add the following:

@media (max-width: 479px) { .block { display: block !important; text-align: center; } }

This creates a CSS Class (named “block”) that will add “display:block” and “text-align:center” to any element the class is added to. But this only takes place on screens with a max with of 479px which is a nice Divi breakpoint for mobile phones.

Now go back to your button module settings and add the CSS Class “block” under the advanced tab.

Now check the result on the live site. Notice the button change at the breakpoint.

You can also add that button class to the blue button on the layout as well to get the same effect.

Now let’s check out our final design for tablet and smartphone.

Text Size, Line Length, and Line height

There is a lot of research out there about what is the correct balance of text size, line length, and line height for optimal readability.

In general, it seems that 16px is about as small as you need to go for mobile devices. Line height should be somewhere between 1.4em (140% of font size) and 2em (200% of font size) which will depend on the size of your text. Larger text size should have a larger line height. So 16px will work well with a line height of 1.6em whereas a 18px font size may look better with a 1.8em. You get the point. As I write this article in the wordpress editor, I notice the font is 13px with a line height of 1.5em. And I have to say it is pushing the boundaries of my eye glasses prescription.

Line length is the amount of characters allowed on a given line of text. A comfortable line length for most is around 45-85 characters per line.

I’m not going to give you an exact best practice for determining these values, but I can give you a general idea of what to do.

Let’s use our layout as an example. The body text size is set to 18px. This size can work well on most phones, but for some this may lead to a shorter line length than what is comfortable for most readers. The line length in the mobile preview is around 43 characters.

Let’s change the text size to 16px with the line height at 1.75em. This puts our line length at around 50 characters which seems to be a more comfortable length. But on smaller phones, this can shrink to around 37 characters which is probably too small.

So you may try a 14px or 15px text size to boost that line length up a bit. But us older folks may not be able to see 14px very well so it may not be worth the risk of a few characters of line length.

The line height is important not only for readability but also for cutting down on the length of the page. The spacing between lines can add up to significant wasted space on some pages and would result in too much scrolling to read the text.

Final Thoughts

In general, Divi layouts will render nicely on mobile devices with minimal effort. But sometimes it makes sense to optimize your site specifically for mobile. You may want to get rid of excessive vertical spacing and/or increase the width of rows and sections to cut down on the length of the page and minimize scrolling. You may also want to increase the size of buttons for better conversions.

Hopefully, these tips will help you understand Divi better and prepare you to make adjustments to any layout for optimal mobile design.

I look forward to hearing from you in the comments.

Cheers!

The post How to Optimize Your Divi Layout for Mobile Devices appeared first on Elegant Themes Blog.

from Elegant Themes Blog https://ift.tt/2tHt3xm via SiliconWebDesign

[lexxikitty-blog1]

Training Ground by Kate Christie Series: Girls of Summer: #1 Read: October 2016 Rating: 4.75 Stars

In a way, this one kind of reminds me of another book I read recently (Five Star) – though this one here, Training Ground, is an young adult FF book, while the other is a new adult MF book (difference between having characters 16-17; vs. characters in early 20s, like maybe 20). Both though include sports as an important though not overly graphically detailed theme, include much about parents/family/expectations, and both are more slice of life books than romances (or, I should say, Romance – while both include romance, just not the capital R kind). Jamie Maxwell and Emma Blakeley are young soccer players (or, as they sometimes say, football, or ‘real football’) who play for youth travel leagues. Jamie, who has a tendency to get called ‘Max’ at times, or, on occasion James, is a little bit short of her 16th birthday. Lives in California. Emma is around 17 and lives in Washington. One night while both are in the same hotel after a soccer tournament has ended in California, the two bump into each other. Jamie needs some air and some time alone. But something about Emma, who she spots attempting to get ice from a machine that has no ice, gets her to ask Emma to tag along. So they do – and sit and watch the sun go down while talking about themselves and getting to know each other. I mention all of this because – but for a set of circumstances that might never have occurred – (1) both soccer players; (2) both at the same tournament; (3) both still there in the hotel when many have already returned home; and (4) both out of their rooms at the same time – they would likely never have made the connection they did, and potentially might never have meet each other. But they did meet, and they did get to know each other. They still might have just had a nice meeting if one didn’t ask and receive the other’s phone (so they could swap numbers). From this meeting grew a deep friendship – a long range friendship (since, as might be recalled, the two live in two different states, and if I recall correctly, their dwelling units are about 800 miles apart). Oh, I forgot to mention that this is 2003. Before skype, after internet appeared. For a year both grew deeply into the other – with morning and nightly texts, with shared long distance viewing of overseas football (soccer) matches (as in, both recorded a game, then watched together in their separate houses, while talking on the phone). They were friends, not lovers, not girlfriends. Though both had ‘feelings’ – one didn’t think that the feelings could be built upon because of the experiences of the other (I’m being simplistic) plus not being 100% certain of their own feelings/orientation; while the other knew nothing could grow beyond these ‘feelings’ due to the other’s straightness. There was a lot of drama, family entanglements, missed chances, missteps – all of which seen through the eyes of naïve young women below the age of 18. I wish to say that this is one of the better young adult books that I’ve read, but I’m not sure exactly what I’d put in front of it. I’d definitely recommend this book, bearing in mind that this is a slice of life book, not a capital R romance book. As I’ve seen in at least one other review – be aware that it’d be easier on yourself if you read this book after committing yourself to the idea that it is part of a series that involves two published books and a mention of a third – all of which are deeply linked to the others. This is a series that follow two (and more) people over a longish period of time (at least 10 years – first book sees people in 2003; second book sees those same people in 2013). October 5 2016

[jifsy]

2017 Recap: Top 20 ezbuy Products Highly Recommended By Customers

Hello 2018 & A Happy New Year to all readers!

As we welcome the new year, here’s a look back at 20 top products as recommended by our lovely ezbuy customers which caused a lot of ‘Wooo’ and ‘Wah!’ from all of us.

And here we go!

  Product: Handheld Juice Blender

Reviewed By Alice Yeo:

“Always wanted some fresh juices daily but very lazy to bring out my big blender from cardboard. Saw this and carted 1 to try for daily use. It is charged using a USB cable and it can last for multiple use (at least 8-10x) after full charge. Very light weight and handy to carry around. Easy to use after you put in fruits to make fresh juices or milk to do milk shake. Most importantly, very easy to clean in less than 1 min. I’ve been bringing this around office and home, it’s so convenient. You can leave it on the table or shake it while it’s blending. End up I carted 2 more extras for colleagues when they saw how easy and convenient to use.”

After reading Alice’s review and watching the video she uploaded, I’ve got the urge to cart it out as well and already thinking how I am going use it on the first day of 2018 to set my diet right! *New year’s resolution: Eat clean*

  Product: Children’s Play Tents

Reviewed By Sylvia Tangugu:

“I was scrolling Facebook when I saw advertisement on this item… the price stated was $259!!! You can buy 20 sets from ezbuy!!! This is a great indoor item for kids! Even no kids, this can be a great indoor concept for single or couple.”

This is so pretty! Lay a comfy floor mat underneath the tent and filled it up with snugly pillows, it will be a perfect for a HTHT with your loved ones.

Additionally, it’s perfect as a photography prop as well! *idea*

  Product: Pipe-style Storage Rack

Reviewed By Sylvia Tangugu:

“90% of the items bought for whole new house were from ezbuy Prime. Theme: retro simplicity to allow max space for kids to play. These are expensive and hard to find locally. The book rack is very stable and firm. Loved it to be on the Wall away from kids too! The below are also from Prime but due to the current system, I share the taobao links so that you can add in Prime later .”

Looking so artistic with this pipe-style rack. It seems to be able to hold more books than a normal book-shelf! Oh, seems like you can set the pipe-line how you would like it to be.

  Product: L-shaped Sofa

Reviewed By Pearlyn Neo:

“My biggest purchase ever since i joined ezbuy. I was worried about the quality and how my sofa will look like but everything goes so well and beautiful”

The sofa looks so comfy to sit in. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and it seems to be able to fit quite a lot of people!

  Product: Wallpaper sticker

Reviewed By Xin Yu:

“Dislike the colour/texture of your furniture? Check this out! Bought this marble stickers from ezbuy to change the design of my IKEA shelf and it turned out so great!

Water proof! Easy to use. Just measure the size of your furniture and cut the stickers accordingly and paste it over your furniture! Don’t worry about not having enough to fill your whole table because i manage to fill the whole IKEA shelf and i still have a lot left!”

This item is M-A-G-I-C! It turns a normal and dull shelf to something that looks so exquisite.

  Product: Stainless Steel Basin

Reviewed By Chan Elle:

“Wanted to reno my bathrooms and had quotes from various contractors for vanity top. Find it too ex and decided to buy from ezbuy. Managed to get an 80cm in length stainless steel cabinet so it doesn’t rot easily if to get a carpenter to customize. Includes mirror, basin top and bottom cabinet. Need to indicate to seller to send out full black color.

Quality wise still considered acceptable for this price. Mirror and ledge is so so but still looks aesthetically pleasing.”

I’m sure those that are homeowners themselves would know how expensive it is for a full house renovation. When it comes to cupboards, sinks, toilet bowls, contractors would have a limited selection and sometimes it just doesn’t go with the theme you had in mind.

Now that ezbuy has a ezHome collection, you will probably find something suitable for your home and best still, the cost will be almost a fraction off compared to getting locally. Don’t say no share!

  Product: L-Shaped Sofa

Reviewed By Yvonne Low:

“Despite many horror stories about ezbuy damaging your bulky items but I took the leap to buy a sofa! Since all my lights came without a crack, how much a damage can a sofa have right?

So tadah! Here’s my sofa. Firm and comfortable! I personally don’t like sofa that’s too soft. Colour totally match my flooring and theme! I love it!!

  Product: Puffed-Up Costume

Reviewed By Carol Toh:

“Got my Halloween costume and it not only impressed my friends, they had a good laugh as well!”

This would be the best costume of the year! Frankly speaking, this looks so comfy to be in and it does not look too heavy to walk around as well. *Idea*

  Product: Takoyaki Grill Pan

Reviewed By from Katrina Theobald:

“We made our own takoyaki last weekend  It came with accessories like oil brush and the 2 sharp sticks. This product also come with an interchangeable grill pan!”

“Lai lai, 5 for $2~”

Your photo really made us drool. Little did we know that you can actually DIY takoyaki at home. I guess we won’t be seeing you in the queue at pasar malams!

    Product: Kids Bunk Bed

Reviewed By Adeline Tii:

“I want to convert my study room into my boy room so was searching around for a good bunk bed that can fit in the room and yet doesn’t make the room look too small. Sourcing around Singapore and mostly quote me 30% more for customise even the size I want is smaller. So, in the end I source prime and found this bunk bed. Customized to the design and size that I want, cost around $300plus. Totally love it!!!”

I got the urge to climb up and lie on the bed watching those fairy lights. It looks so comfy and cosy. Oh, like what our customer mentioned, this is a customized bed. Which means you can customize something to suit your room size and theme. 1 and only design bed in the world, that’s pretty cool right?

  Product: Lightings

Reviewed By Yvonne Low:

“Sharing one of my fav buy from ezbuy! My hanging dining light! Cost only a fraction of what SG shops are selling! Item came styrofoam nicely without a single scratch on it! I love it! Thanks, ezbuy!”

    Product: Dog Costume

Reviewed By Kyra Lim:

“Damn hilarious, awesome outfit for Halloween or CNY!!!”

Your majesty! How cute is this!!! All dog owners would know that dog costumes aren’t cheap to buy locally. Furthermore, it’s also not practical for our little fur balls to put on due to our climate. Hence, aside for that photo opportunity and instaworthy shot most would be unwilling to part with the cash. But not anymore with ezbuy! With our wide range of designs and alternatives along with low prices and shipping fees.

  Product: Children Play Car

Reviewed By Cherie Celesta Tan: “Bought 3 sets for my nieces and nephews. No English manual but easy to fix. $39+ each. Received my items less than a week”

    Product: Animals Chairs, Drawer storage cupboard, Children Plastic Wardrobe & Toy Racks

Reviewed By: Nuramalina Hafidz

“Bought these items for my kids room to make it more colourful and organised”

  Our customer’s kids’ room filled up with almost all ezbuy items. We love storage boxes as it stores away anything and everything in the fastest and neatest way!

  Product: Camping Tent

Reviewed By Pauline Neo:

“This is super good and cheap! I saved more money buying here than going retail shops. This is so convenient as is automatic in terms of just open the tent, pull to open and press down to secure! Just Press down and fold to keep. Not like those old type, still have to assemble the metal rods ourselves making us so tiring. After buying from ezbuy, I went to retails and to my surprise, they sell more than $100 for only 3-4 person!… This is my 2nd purchased here for my parents for 6-8 persons. They loved it so much.”

Automatic tent! It definitely makes camping a lot easier and convenient. No more fixing of the poles and finding the right ends to the other.

  Product: Multifunction Vanity Mirror

Reviewed By Jingru Lyu

“Sharing this must-buy multifunctional vanity mirror to all of the chiobu. It’s a bit pricey but worth the money! This mirror lamp cost me $39.96. Perfect wrapped when delivered to my hands, easy to install, I managed to do it by myself! It can be a bedside lamp, vanity mirror with LED light, perfect for makeup. It’s touch screen, lighting is adjustable. The bottom can be makeup or jewellery storage. Also available in white, mint green, baby pink color!”

Mirror light! All ladies must have for their daily usage. What’s more, it acts as a bedside lamp as well. This product was also one of our best picks from share & win.

  Product: Vanity Table

Reviewed By Desmond Ker:

“I bought this European dressing table, solid wood with perfect finishing. The price that I paid definitely in Singapore we are not able to get it. Love it to the max. Thanks again”

This is so perfect to fit in a European themed home.

  Product: Shark Bean Bag

Reviewed By Yvonne Low:

“My Son saw this bean bag at the mall and asked for this! I went up to the sales assistant and asked the price and it cost $149.90! I couldn’t bear to buy it for $150 and thus I quickly searched on ezbuy and guess what… it only cost less than $50 and delivered to my house! Everyone in the family are snatching to sit on this while watching TV!”

“Baby shark, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo. 

Baby shark, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo.

Baby shark, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo. 

Baby shark.”

I would like to have a sit on it too, getting bitten by the “shark” 

  Product: Multi way Wooden High Chair

Reviewed By Michelle Koh Pei Voon:

“I had bought this highchair from ezbuy after my Best Friend’s recommendation. (My friend bought 2 for her toddlers, then you can tell how good deal it is)

I and my little one love it so much when we received it. From the photo you can tell this is a really worth for money product, and it can be used since toddler. I regret that I know it when my little one is 3 years old already. I should buy it earlier, lol. Overall, the quality of the highchair is excellent while the price is affordable. From the last photo, you can see the wood finishing of the chair is fine.”

Retro yet looking super useful at the same time. Maybe a cushion on the seats will make it even comfortable for the kids. Just a suggestion for people whom are interested to get it.

  This wraps up 20 of the best products of 2017 as recommended by you, our customers. We hope 2018 will be an even better shopping experience for everyone!

Got an amazing find or scored a great deal? Share with us at ezbuy Share & Win Facebook page. Happy Shopping!

  The post 2017 Recap: Top 20 ezbuy Products Highly Recommended By Customers appeared first on Online Shopping Blog by ezbuy Singapore.

2017 Recap: Top 20 ezbuy Products Highly Recommended By Customers published first on http://ift.tt/2vy5Wr0