#and since you guys keep saying you like my crazy dumb Rosie rant posts maybe I’ll do one telling you guys what happened

[rosicheeks]

🤦🏽‍♀️🙃

[oscar-piastri]

lost soul [ben hardy x reader]

title: lost soul

pairing: ben hardy x reader

summary: ben helps the reader to move on after she got her heart broken. ben and reader are like 23 in this

words: 3.7k

taglist: @styles-charli

notes:  This has been in my drafts for a month. It’s very messy, but this is what happens in my head. Writing this is helping me to feel better and as I wrote that, I decided to throw away some stuff that reminded me of my crush, after he left me on read for the 29282 times. Every time I have a crush on someone new, I have all the memories hitting me in the face of how dumb I was and how heartbroken I still am after years.

masterlist

Feelings, memories, you wished it could all disappear as your eyes landed on a small piece of paper. It was lost in a box, almost torn but you knew what it was, as you remembered clearly what’s the story behind it.

It was a simple note, just the kind of notes you write to your classmate in class to communicate in a discreet way so your teacher wouldn’t see what was happening. You should throw it away, it was a useless thing to keep. But you heart and your mind couldn’t accept that, and you knew you’d keep it forever, only because he wrote it, more than 5 years ago.

He was your classmate and the closest friend you ever had. You fell in love pretty quickly, and you drowned even more in your feelings when he acted protective with you. For months you tried to tell yourself he was just your best friend, nothing more, but everytime he smiled, you knew it was love that you were feeling. And what broke you is that he never felt the same way. You moved away and you took that opportunity to forget about him; but it never worked.

Your phone rang, making you leave this state of nostalgia. The name of your best friend could be seen on the screen, making your curse when you remembered you were supposed to see her and some of her friends. Ever since you told her about this, she established a little tradition; going out once a week with her friends because “you need to move on”.

For a moment you thought it would be a great idea, but as weeks passed you realised it was useless. Your friend made her best to make it work, she introduced you to a friend of her boyfriend; Ben. Let’s say it, Ben is handsome, with beautiful vibrant eyes, he’s smart and funny, but it was just reminding you of your past and how your hopes got your heart to shatter.

God, if you weren’t obsessing over that stupid heartbreak, you’d probably be dating Ben by now. But everytime you think of more than just talking with Ben, you just think of your high school’s crush and just lose any confidence.

The sun was shining and meeting your friend at a park was a great idea, somehow the brightness provided by the sun made you better and happier. While your friend and her boyfriend Joe went for a walk just the two of them, around the park, you found yourself sitting alone with Ben. You felt good in his company but couldn’t help but hold back your feelings, sensing some doubts in your mind.

You felt Ben looking at you and you looked up from your phone to gently smile at him. You noticed he was about to speak and you put down your phone, so your whole attention was on the young man. “Y/N, uh… We’ve been hanging out together for months, and I’m starting to really like you. So.. Maybe instead of seeing each other with Joe and your friend. Maybe we could go on a date? Just the two of us?” Ben asked you, hesitantly. You blinked quite a few times, repeating his words in your head before you found the ability to speak.

To be fairly honest, you didn’t know what to say. “I don’t think I’m ready to see someone. It’s… Complicated” Complicated was the right words; you could be starting a new chapter with what seemed to be the perfect man, but you were still tied to the past, scared to believe in something that could never happen.

“Oh” Ben simply replied, and you could feel that he was disappointed. His cheeks were still rosy from his revelation and you couldn’t help but feel guilty about this situation, doing something that happened to you and fucked you up, this is not fair.

“It’s not you! It’s me… It’s really me! I have some love issues I’m trying to fix” you justified yourself right away. But it didn’t seem to make Ben feel any better.

“Never heard that one before” Ben mumbled, and you couldn’t help but have a flashback of the moment you found out the guy you liked had a girlfriend. You bit your lips, asking yourself whether you should give a better explanation to Ben.

“Do you remember your first love, Ben?” You finally asked, but you didn’t wait for him to answer “Because I remember mine. It’s a painful memory, but sadly, after 5 years, the memories are still haunting me, and I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart all over again but I keep thinking about him. He was my best friend and to follow the cliché, I fell in love with him.” You told Ben the story, how you met him on the first day of school, how you became friends pretty quickly. Just telling his name; Luke to Ben made you feel a knife in your heart.

Of course, you couldn’t forget to mention that you used to share your lunch with him because his parents didn’t give him enough money, that you used to talk via notes during French class because he was always giving you great advices. On top of that, you ranted about how he was protecting you all the time; one you got hit by a water bottle someone threw and he got so mad he yelled at everyone. You didn’t leave the part where he was the shoulder you always cried on when you were on edge of breaking, because your parents and yourself were always fighting.

“He even played footsie with me, in class!” You continued, almost yelling. “No wonder why I got the wrong idea” you grunted, enraged at your own self. “He made me hope! He was flirty and my dumb ass thought he wanted to be with me! But I was wrong, he showed up with his new girlfriend and I realised I played myself” you couldn’t help be talking. At first you just wanted to explain the situation to Ben, but the more you talked, the more it brought back memories and the more you needed to let out everything. “I loved him and I thought he did too. In the end, he didn’t realise I was in love with him. What a dumb boy, everyone knew I loved him, it was so obvious”

Ben stayed silent the whole time, but he was staring at you and you knew he heard every word you said, he did exactly what you wanted him to do; just listening to you. But then, you looked at Ben and for a second, you didn’t see him, but instead you saw your old crush. You felt your heart beating way faster than usual. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you all of that. It was a mistake” you apologized, feeling the tears in your eyes that were ready to roll down your cheeks. You grabbed your bag and left in a hurry, not bothering to look at Ben one last time, as you let him alone in the park, totally unaware of what was happening.

When you got to your place, you threw your stuff on the ground and wandered towards the couch. You let yourself fall back on it, watching the ceiling and mentally cursing. You took your phone to text your friend, to let her know that you were back to your place, but unconsciously you opened the messenger app and scroll down until you found the conversation you had with Luke about two years ago. You remembered staying up until 3 am just talking, trying to help him choosing the right school for him but as you reread the text, you realised he only replied to be nice, clearly bothered by you messaging him.

Without realising it, you were now stalking his facebook page, trying to find him on instagram, and googling his name to have more information. Your heart dropped when you saw that he was dating someone. and you couldn’t stop the tears that were about to roll down your face. It shouldn’t be hurting you that much, but it does and there’s nothing you can do about it. You were relieved when someone knocked on your door, giving you the chance to move on from that just for a few minutes. You hurried to get up from the couch, and wiped the tears away before you opened the door, thinking you’d find your friend but you couldn’t hide the surprise when you noticed Ben was standing right in front of you.

“It looks like you weren’t expecting me, darling” he joked, putting a small smile on your face.

“N-no, I thought… I mean… How do you know I live here?” you asked, moving to the side so you could let Ben come inside. To be a polite host, you asked if he wanted to drink or eat anything but he declined and you moved to the living room.

“You left in such a hurry, I was worried about you. I texted your friend to get your address” he explained, sitting next to you on the couch.

“Thanks, that’s really sweet of you” you shyly replied, hiding your phone under some pillow to hide the fact that just two minutes ago, you were feeling miserable because of a dumb post on some social medias. But you weren’t great at getting rid of every evidence of your recent feelings, as Ben noticed your teary eyes

“Are you sure you’re okay Y/N?” Ben asked, placing his hands on yours, that were anxiously resting on your laps. “You seem...”

“I feel like I’m going crazy, Ben!” You sobbed, cutting him mid-sentence. Ben was quick to react, as he wrapped his arms around you in order to hug you.“ I want the pain to go away” you cried against his shoulder. “I want to erase those memories, but I can’t! I can’t stop my brain from thinking about him every time I feel lonely” you continued, your lips quivering. “I shouldn’t be thinking about him… I should be thinking of you… I really like you Ben” you confessed, nuzzling your face deeper in his shoulders.

“Y/N….” He whispered against your hair, his hands gently rubbing your back. He wanted to smile at the fact that you liked him, but you were feeling terrible, vulnerable and it made every inch of happiness in him fade away.

“I’m really sorry about earlier Ben” you muttered as he unwrapped his arms. “I know it’s dumb but I’m just scared to fall in love again, I don’t want to feel this pain again. I’m aware that you won’t necessarily hurt me, but I’m just scared of getting my heart broken. I still haven’t healed….” you confessed, feeling a sense of relief running through your veins. You did felt better, letting your emotions out.

You asked Ben to hang out a little bit longer. He texted your friend to let her know that you were feeling better, and he agreed to stay a few more hours, mostly because he wasn’t feeling like leaving you alone in your state. You ordered some food and watched dumb shows on the tv, but it all helped to cheer you up. It was only 9pm but you kept yawning, and even though it made Ben laugh, he decided to leave so you could have some rest. You escorted him to the door, where he gave you a small kiss on the forehead. “Call me if you need help”, he said and you nodded with a weak smile before he left. You went back to the couch, too tired to find your way back to bed, and collapsed on the pillows, falling asleep right away.

A few weeks happened since that day, and to be quite honest, spending time with Ben now that he was aware of your little issues, was easier than before and it made you believe you were in the right direction to finally move on from the past. You were taking things slow, hanging out as friends as long as you weren’t ready to try for more. You were doing great, counting the days where you didn’t go emotional about Luke, you were now able to see his profile picture on messenger without grunting or crying.

But a phone call from your sister crushed your hopes of doing better, when she announced that she randomly saw Luke and his girlfriend somewhere. You said nice words about him being happy while you felt your eyes watering. As soon as you hung up, you ran to your room and opened the box that contained your high school yearbook, where Luke wrote some notes inside.

You looked at his pictures and back at the notes, then back at the notes. You were completely zoning out after minutes, thinking of the day Luke told you he liked your hair down for the picture. And you listened and spent the following day with your hair down.

The loud knocks on your door made you come back to reality. You checked your phone to see a few texts from Ben, but also to realise that you completely lost track of time and wasted one hour. You mentally cursed when you realised that Ben was at your door, probably worried because you were late to movie night.

“It’s open” you announced, raising your voice so Ben could come inside. When he got in, he saw you sitting on the couch, a box of tissues next to you and the yearbook on your laps.

Ben’s eyes were wide open as he was quite surprised to find you like that. “Y/N, what are you doing?” He questioned a little bit worried.

“I don’t know what to do…. I know what I’m doing is toxic, holding on to those memories, it’s destroying me little by little… But I can’t control that” you replied, holding the book against your chest like your life was depending on it. “My dumb heart is controlling my mind and he makes sure that Luke is in my head non stop. But I swear I wanna forget about him, I just…. He’s no good for me, I’m well aware of that! I just wanna move on, but every time I take a step in the right direction, something is pushing me back and I’m stuck all over again.” you mumbled, your voice getting lower as the words come out of your mouth.

“It’s okay, love. I’m here” Ben said, offering once again his shoulder for you to cry on. He was sitting right next to you, and you were looking at him with puffy eyes, on the edge of crying again, but you bit your lips to make the tears go away, not wanting to show Ben how miserable you are. But what was making it more painful, was that the more time you spent with Ben, you realised he was the man of your dreams and that because of your obsession with Luke, you were gonna let an amazing relationship break, before it even happened. You shouldn’t let Ben put his love life on hold, waiting for you, when you know deep down that you’ll never get over the past, he deserved to be happy too, not wait years for something that might never happen.  

“You’re wasting your time with me! Waiting for me to get better, when you should be out dating other girls, who are ready to start a relationship” you blurred out, tightly squeezing the yearbook in your hands, making your knuckles go white from the strength you put in your act.

“No, I’m not” Ben replied right away, determined to put this dumb idea out of your head. “And I will wait as long as it takes, not because I wanna go on that date, but because you deserve to be free of the memories and let yourself move on” he continued, placing his hands on yours. Your grip soften at his touch and you eventually let go of the yearbook, dropping it back on your laps. Ben grabbed it and threw it on the ground, far away from your view, making you laugh, letting a smile appear on your face.

The two of you stayed silent for a few minutes, just looking at each other while you’re trying to make the sadness go away. But after minutes, Ben finally broke the silence that was weighting in the room. “This might sound stupid, because you already know that, but Y/N, you have to get rid of everything you own that reminds you of him.” He said, and you wished for a second that he never talked. You knew he was right, but it was still hard to hear. “The thought of him keeps dragging you down and you don’t deserve that. Let go, let go of the memories and allow yourself to find happiness and love, because you deserve to find love with the right person”

You listened to what he was saying, his last sentence echoing in your brain. Ben noticed you were chewing on your bottom lip, thinking about what he just said. He knew you might not listen to him, but it was important for him to try and help you, the best he could.

“I know we missed the screening, but we can still go out?” Ben suggested and you timidly nodded

“Some fresh air won’t hurt me” you concluded, before excusing yourself to get ready.

When you came home later that night, it was impossible for you to find some sleep. You kept tossing around in your bed, wondering if you were strong enough to get rid of everything. You didn’t know what to do: you wanted to destroy everything that reminded you of him but you also wanted to hold on to some of them, because it helped you feel better somehow. You finally decided to grab your phone at 3am, unlocking your phone and going straight to the facebook application.

You finally managed to sleep for like two hours. As soon as you woke up, you texted Ben, asking if you could meet for lunch. He didn’t reply right away, you were expecting that since it was just 7am and that he was probably gonna have a busy day. You went on with your day, checking your phone every minutes to see if he answered. You were over the moon when you saw his text, telling you to meet him after his rugby practice.

Sitting in the bleachers from the stadium where he was practising, you were waiting for him to leave the locker room so you could grab something to eat.

“I’m sorry you had to wait” Ben apologizing as he jogged towards you.

“I’m not the one who’s waiting for someone the most” you replied, giving him an apologizing look. Ben shut you off right away by telling you again that he was fine with waiting.

“By the way, I have another practice in half an hour, I don’t think we’ll have enough time to eat outside, so… I got us those” he explained, taking snacks out of his sport bag. “Vending machine didn’t had much choice, but I hope you’ll like some of those”

You both were eating, as Ben told you about his practice but you had to ask him to explain rugby because you were just a big stranger to this sport. But you knew it was an important thing in his life, and you felt like it was the right thing to know more about it. When it was your turn to talk about what you did this morning, you couldn’t help to feel excited.

“I deleted him from facebook!” you almost shouted because you couldn’t control how happy you were about this achievement. “I mean… I know it’s not something big, but I’m so fucking proud of myself”

“It’s okay Y/N, baby steps are still important” he reassured you. “And I am so proud of you” he continued before pulling you in a tight hug. You giggled when you felt his hair ticking your neck. For once in your life, you felt that things were finally moving for you and in the good way. And just like Ben said, baby steps are important.

You found yourself a few times wanting to see Luke pictures but instead, you always ended up on Ben’s facebook page. Things were going great with you, you loved every minutes you ever spent with him, and you knew for sure, that you’d never want Ben to be out of your life.

“What’s inside?” Ben asked as he walked inside your apartment, using his fingers to point the box you put on the table. You closed the door behind him and quickly followed him.

“Memories. I put pretty much everything I owned that reminded me of Luke: pictures, playlists, notes and stuff” you enumerated. “I’m ready to throw all of that away. I might just need help, like a mental support” you admitted, looking at Ben.

“You can count on me” he affirmed. “Hey, let’s do it now!” he suggested. He did not wait for you answer, he already grabbed the box and was halfway through the doorway. You hurried to grab your stuff and followed him.

Ben stopped at the nearest dumpster and when he found one, he gave you back the box.

“Do it when you’re ready” he reminded you, not wanting you to feel pressured to do it right now.

You actually waited a few minutes, you took this time to remember the happy moments you had with Luke. When you felt like you were finally ready, you threw the box in the trash, leaving your past and your memories behind. You were now more ready to move on and give a chance to Ben. You’ve never felt like this before, and you loved this feeling of being reborn, finally free of that terrible obsession and influence.

“Luke is my past, but you, you’re my future” you whispered, but Ben heard you and he interlocked your fingers with his before kissing your head softly.