#my friend said she thinks I should write a letter or text tell them

[rosicheeks]

🤦🏽‍♀️🙃

[wooawrites]

love or letter: wonwoo version

pairing: j. wonwoo x fem! reader

summary: hopeless in her endeavors, [name] turns to a radio show for love advice and somehow causes her situation to become worse.

word count: 10k+

genre: childhood friends to lovers, fluff

playlist

love or letter series

“Welcome to Love or Letter, a segment of BSS Radio Show dedicated to answering and advising our very own university students with their current (and maybe even future) romantic ailments! Depending on your story, we’ll either deem it a success by claiming it as a love or will call it a letter if our experts believe the sender should reconsider.”

Collective clapping could be heard in the background, courtesy of the grainy mics provided by the university. “Our first sender seems to have a pretty big problem—the paper is almost three pages long!”

Chuckles could be heard. “Wow, I’ve never had someone even send me a paragraph through text message.”

“That’s because you don’t have anyone to let them do that to you, DK.”

A chorus of shouting soon followed after, though a sharp hush ended the argument before it could continue, prompting the previous host to start speaking. “Dear Love or Letter team, my name is Sender A (F22) and I’m undoubtedly in love with my childhood friend (M22). He has always been a part of my life—from the minute he helped me to the bench when I scraped my knee at the local park to even now, where we both attend the university.”

“That’s so disgustingly cute.”

“But…”

“...But I think my childhood friend sees me more as a sister than he does a girl friend.”

“Girlfriend?”

“No. Girl space friend. Do you think Sender A would be writing to us if she was already his girlfriend, Seungkwan?” The host reading clears throat, ready to continue the note. “Whenever we go out, people always assume we’re related in some way since we’re roommates and apparently the only explanation for opposite sexes to become roommates is if one or both are gay or if they’re related.”

A hiss of annoyance followed soon after. “So outdated.”

“I know.”

“While I tend to correct people that we’re actually childhood friends, he, on the other hand, doesn't bother to correct anyone. In fact, he even seems to like that idea by mentioning that ‘it’s practically the same thing’ when I asked him why he never bothered correcting it to anyone.”

“Oof.”

“On top of this, he has a tendency to lean on me when it comes to relationship advice. He’s only dated a few girls casually here and there throughout our years of knowing each other all these years, however it's become more frequent ever since we started attending the university. While it’s not by much, I’ve heard enough of his stories about his previous girlfriends more than I’d like to admit and it doesn’t help with my situation.”

“Talk about a punch to the gut.”

“Right? Sender A continues by mentioning that she’s been wanting to say something to him but all these signals are pointing to a completely opposite direction and believes she might need to move out if something doesn’t get done. Sender A ends it with ‘I usually don’t ask three random strangers on a radio show to help make decisions like this, however none of my friends know about my situation. Please help me out, BSS Radio hosts. Sincerely, a hopeless romantic’. Man…”

“That’s tough. Thank you for choosing us to help you out though!”

“Dokyeom, you punk! They clearly said we were her last resort so speak carefully.” Seungkwan’s voice chimes in, followed by an irritated sigh. “From the sounds of things Sender A, you sound like you’re at odds with this situation at the moment. You want to tell someone you’ve known your whole life something serious while also keeping whatever dynamic it is you have the same, which will no doubt change if you do end up following through with your plans. In my opinion, I’d consider this a Letter, since you aren’t entirely sure how he feels yet.”

A hum followed, clearly agreeing with Seungkwan’s response. “I think this feels like this might be a Letter, too—but that doesn’t mean you should give up! Afterall, just because you don’t know how he feels doesn’t mean anything, right Hoshi?”

The host who had read let out a strained cough. “Y-Yeah… Definitely not the end of it just because we deemed it a Letter. Like Seungkwan said, you just seem unsure of your decisions and this Letter can turn into Love with the right course of action. This has been the Love or Letter segment of BSS Radio Show, onto other campus news—”

The quick shut down of the radio show invited the bustling noise coming from the cafe that [Name] had forgotten she was even in. Frustration bubbled up in her stomach as she thought back on the declaration of her current predicament. For a moment, she had the childish belief that the BooSeokSoon Radio hosts had the answer she actually wanted; that all came crumbling down as she listened to her submission being read out loud.

Embarrassment flooded through her as the story relayed in her head. Had it sounded that obvious he wasn’t into her? If it was, then why did she even bother sending that kind of message for a huge crowd to hear? [Name] could only ponder this question as she took a sip of her coffee, mouth pursing as the bitterness washed the piece of cake she had eaten just a few minutes ago.

Her eyes glanced over at the cafe’s door, body shaking in anticipation. She felt as if she had been at the cafe for hours on end, though she was sure it was only less than an hour. The radio show had taken up the majority of her time, her term paper long forgotten the minute she noticed an email saying BooSeokSoon would present her message for this week’s segment.

“A waste of time that is…” [Name] hissed under her breath, blowing at a fallen stray of hair.

“What’s a waste of time?” A voice asked. [Name] nearly froze in her spot, eyes flicking back to the door before going back to the owner of the voice, who stood so close, her face nearly ran into his stomach. [Name] gave him a slight shove, ignoring his humored chuckle and the fact he clenched his abdomen when her hand made contact with him.

“Being here and waiting for your class to end.” [Name] responded, motioning for him to sit across from her, a cup of coffee similar to her’s waiting for him. “I don’t know how you can enjoy that coffee so much. It tastes like sadness and dead poets.”

Wonwoo laughed. God it’s a cute laugh. “That’s… Actually a good way of putting it. How’d you figure out I was a tortured artist?”

[Name] watched him sit down, his larger frame towering over the small chair as he shifted. She almost laughed at how he hunched himself over, something he always had done since they were children to appear smaller than he originally would. However, it looked as if something was poking at his lower back and he was avoiding it.

No matter how many times [Name] pointed out to Wonwoo how strange he looked, he never failed to put himself into that position. She wasn’t sure if it was to be considerate of others or just to make her laugh at this point.

“Maybe because we’ve known each other for 15 years of our lives? Or you’re a literature major. And you dress like someone’s grandpa. You even sit like one—”

“I get it, I get it.” Wonwoo replied, raising his arms in surrender. He shuffled through his bag, pulling out his laptop and notebook, casting a glance at [Name]’s unopened laptop and earbuds. “Did you get any far with your paper?”

“Huh? Yeah, yeah…” [Name] said dismissively, looking away as she snatched her phone. Wonwoo narrowed his eyes at the action. As if on instinct, he offered his hand. “Won—”

“Phone. Now.” He commanded, face stern for a second before a pacifying smile made its way to his face. “Please. We made a deal, remember? No phone until you get a page done.”

“Yeah, yeah.” [Name] grumbled, handing her phone over to him, breath hitching for a second when she felt the tips of his fingers grazed her wrist lightly. Wonwoo let out a gentle thank you before shoving the phone into his pocket, a smile still settled on his face. He pulled out an earbud, handing one half over to [Name] as he played one of her favorite songs for the both of them.

Work followed soon after, [Name] typing furiously at her term paper while Wonwoo flicked through pages of a book written by some writer older than their own grandmothers. Every now and then, [Name] glanced across, taking in her friend’s appearance.

His hair was windswept from the autumn breeze, clearly slicked back just a few moments ago before entering the cafe. He had just recently changed his glasses prescription, finally listening to [Name] when she suggested a pair of circular glasses instead of his usual blocky choice. It framed his face nicely, highlighting his cheekbones whenever he smiled, though it always drew [Name] to look at his lips right afterward.

How can someone be so… Wonwoo? A strange way of putting it, yes, but what else was [Name] supposed to compare him to? She could imagine all the beautiful and fascinating things possible and all of that pales in comparison to him. For some reason she couldn’t make up her mind if he was one or the other at this point.

“Were you listening to the BSS Radio Show again?” He asked all of a sudden, making [Name] jump back to look at her paper again just in case he looked away from his book.

“It’s scary how well you know me so well.” [Name] commented with a shiver.

“What’s so interesting about their radio show anyways? I’ve never seen you pay attention to that until now.”

[Name] knocked her fingers against his, a smirk etched on her face. “Maybe I think one of the hosts is cute. Y’know one of them, Seokmin, is in my Speech 101 class?”

Wonwoo frowned at the notion, gently flicking his fingers at the tips of her’s as a response. “You can’t even talk to someone if you find them remotely attractive.

That’s what you think. [Name] stuck her tongue out at him. “They’ve got… Insightful moments.”

Wonwoo raised an eyebrow. “They only say insightful things when they’re doing Love or Letter, which I know you definitely don’t listen to.”

[Name] almost threw up at the mention of that dreaded segment. She straightened her back at the comment, however. “What’s that supposed to mean? That I’m not romantically available?”

Wonwoo gave her a shocked look. “No—like, I mean like you’re not the type to be into listening to that kind of show.”

“What type of person do you see me as then?” [Name] challenged, eyes glinting for a moment as she gave Wonwoo a pointed look as he opened and closed his mouth for a second. For a second she wondered if he understood her double meaning, her thoughts completely flying out the window when he let out a sigh of defeat.

“I offended you, didn’t I?” Wonwoo asked. “Sorry, I just meant to say that you usually don’t pay attention to people’s plights for entertainment, especially if it’s personal like romantic issues.”

This idiot. Maybe [Name] shouldn’t stick to dropping hints. If she continues on with this kind of confession style, Wonwoo would most likely be in a grave by the time she has the courage to confess her feelings. [Name]’s stomach dropped at the idea. She wasn’t sure she wanted to wait that long; she’s waited long enough.

“Wonwoo—”

“Oh my God, Wonwoo is that you?” A new voice chimed in, making [Name] stop her words, glancing over at a girl—a pretty girl—waving her hand at the lines their way. [Name]’s stomach nearly dropped as she watched Wonwoo’s face light up and wave an arm in return, pushing himself off his seat.

“I’ll be right back.” Wonwoo said quietly, making sure to be quick with his strides as went up to talk to the girl. A frown settled on [Name]’s face as she recalled him never being so hasty with his actions with her like he had with the girl. She did her best to go back to the paper instead of putting all her attention on the two people in front of her, who looked painfully good together.

His mouth was quirked up, being attentive to whatever the pretty girl was telling him by providing a nod or simple response to her as they spoke. They didn’t speak for long, Wonwoo pointing at their shared table. [Name] cast her eyes back at the screen, pretending to be focused on her essay instead of them. Her eyes didn’t let up from the screen until she noticed Wonwoo come back, a content look etched on his face.

“Friend of yours?” [Name] teased, half hoping he’d give her information and the other half to dispel the drop in her gut as she thought of the best and worst things possible.

Wonwoo only let out a hum, smiling down at his work. That certainly wasn’t an answer [Name] expected. Or wanted, for that matter. She wasn’t sure what to respond with so she made sure to look back at her own work, typing nonsense instead of actual meaningful words that might help affect the course of her grade.

The silence lasted for only a moment, however, as Wonwoo’s gaze lifted towards her, eyes alight as he asked, “What did you wanna ask me again?”

“Huh?”

“Before I went up to Chaewon. You had something to say to me, right?”

[Name]’s mouth fell open for a moment, unsure of her circumstances anymore. If it had been just a moment ago, she was sure to have told Wonwoo about her affection. After witnessing his reaction to that girl—Chaewon—though…

“I… Can’t remember.” [Name] said, feigning an apologetic smile. Wonwoo only let a hesitant nod, eyes not leaving her face. Unwavering, [Name] motioned to his book. “You better keep reading unless you expect the book to write your analysis, do you?”

An exhausted sigh escaped [Name]’s lips once she found herself shutting the door of her apartment. If she hadn’t been at school or studying for exams, she found herself working on campus, a task that is almost as exhausting as studying and attending classes.

If it hadn’t been for the millions of accidents coupled with the slow coworkers, maybe her work day wouldn’t have been as stressful as it had been that day. [Name] could already feel her eyes drop heavily as soon as she stepped foot into the comforts of her home. She had almost missed Wonwoo lounging in the living room had she been any more tired.

“Welcome back.” Wonwoo greeted, a smile erupting when [Name] groaned in reply. She wasted no time tossing herself over the couch he was sitting on, staring at the ceiling as she felt Wonwoo’s leg shake beneath her head from the laugh he let out. For a second, [Name] shut her eyes, relishing in the laugh. “That tired, huh?”

“You don’t even know. How can someone be in their twenties and not know how to be an effective worker? Am I in some alternate universe where I’m in a constant state of being Punk’d?” [Name] complained, not stopping to take a breath as she let her bottled up irritation finally burst. A hum could only be heard from her friend, urging her to continue. 

“Not to mention how irritating customers can be—ugh, don’t even get me started on them, Woo. One of them got mad when I asked if she already purchased an item that was set aside and started grilling me on some bullshit about ‘not believing her’. I was just making sure she bought the item! The nerve of some people…”

“That sounds frustrating.” Wonwoo agreed, reaching out to grasp at the hair tie on [Name]’s head and gently pulling it off. A hand ran through her hair, putting a pause on [Name]’s rambles. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way—Wonwoo basically giving her a massage to help destress. She kept her eyes closed either way. She was unsure if she wanted to risk getting a good look at her best friend, who was most definitely staring at her right now.

She wasn’t sure why it was such a habit of his—the incessant staring. It was a bad habit Wonwoo had; [Name] lost count of how many times she had to drag him out from places when his staring habit put him into unnecessary trouble.

[Name] hadn’t minded his staring—he was usually lost in his own thoughts and not bothering her since he was so quiet. Not to mention he had killer massaging skills.

She opted to let the silence continue. Wonwoo seemed to not mind, equally enjoying her presence as much as she had with him. His fingers, deft and soft, worked out the tangles in her hair. He was careful to be gentle when facing harsh knots, massaging at the tender spots if he tugged too hard, earning a small hum in appreciation of his efforts.

“You’re spoiled, you know that right?” Wonwoo suddenly commented. [Name] responded with a sharp slap to his knee. “Ow! I’m just saying! Who gets treated like this by their roommate?”

“Oh so we’re just roommates now, huh?” [Name] teased, opening her eyes. “Let’s just throw away a decade worth of friendship. I see how it is, you heartless jerk.”

“Ahh, you gaslighter.” Wonwoo groaned, poking her side in retaliation. A laugh escaped from [Name], fighting off his hands as she tried to get herself off of her friend. He seemed to have known what she was doing, though, from the way he dropped his other arm to wrap around her shoulders and bring her to his side to keep poking at her sides with his other one.

“Woo, I swear to God—AH!” [Name] shrieked, smacking at his arms to get him away from her after his fingers coincidentally found its way to a certain spot that made her laugh a little harder than she liked. “I swear if you tickle me anymore I will be putting honey in your hair while you’re sleeping.”

“Oh really?” Wonwoo asked, turning her over and holding her arms in place.

“Yes really—”

Her voice caught in her throat as Wonwoo looked down to stare at her. Usually, she had been pretty good at hiding her feelings toward him—a quick change in facial expressions when she caught herself smiling for too long when he was failing at cooking eggs in the mornings, keeping her glances fleeting when they studied together, opting to tease him instead of complimenting his appearance to keep up with appearances.

[Name] wasn’t exactly sure how she could evade this moment. Or if she even wanted to move at the sight in front of her. Wonwoo had clearly been home hours before [Name] came home. Besides the soft pajamas underneath her head, his hair had not been touched and was angled every which way. His glasses looked like they were on the verge of falling as he kept his gaze down toward her. It didn’t help that his chest—Jesus, did his chest always feel that muscular?—was taking deep breaths, clearly just as winded as she was of their wrestling match.

The sight was endearing. She was more than sure Wonwoo could do anything and make it look beautiful in her eyes, though, so she might have a bit of a bias. [Name] chewed at her lip as an all too familiar thought passed through her head. Now’s your chance. Her mouth opened for a split second, trying to form the words she’s been so desperate to let out for the past few months.

“I’d consider this a Letter, since you aren’t entirely sure how he feels yet.”

A Letter. A chance of rejection is probably high. Should she really risk a friendship over a love confession? Maybe. It’s highly tempting, especially with how he looks right now—so effortlessly handsome, it was irritating, honestly.

Wonwoo’s eyes softened for a brief moment. Carefully, he brushed the tips of his fingers against her cheek to grab her attention. “You good?”

[Name] felt her throat dry up, immediately getting up from her spot. “Y-Yeah. Just remembered I need to take a shower. I’ll make dinner tonight!”

Wonwoo looked as if he were ready to reach out a hand to stop her, but [Name] made sure to keep a distance from him. “Are you sure? You seemed pretty worn out today, though. I can make—”

“No, it's fine! I’ll get my energy back after I wash the stink out of me. I’ll be back soon!” [Name] interrupted, making her steps quick as she turned around to run to the bathroom.

Once she found herself in their shared bathroom, [Name] slid down the door in a huff. Her heart was nearly ready to jump out of her chest as the moment replayed in her head. She could feel her face heat up as she remembered her original task of confessing, which was a complete failure again.

“I’m so screwed…” She whispered to herself.

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since [Name]’s embarrassing attempt of admitting her feelings to Wonwoo. The moment replayed in her head more times than she’d like to admit, constantly beating herself up at missing the opportunity of confessing again.

“Hey, if you’re going to have that lovesick look on your face all day, you might as well take the rest of the day off. You’re gonna scare the customers.” Chan chastised, words harsh, but the smile on his face indicated he wasn’t at all irritated in the slightest.

[Name] huffed. “I do not look lovesick.”

Chan snorted in response. “You must think I’m stupid then.” A crumpled up coffee filter found its way bouncing off his dark hair and a blank stare from the girl as a response. Chan let out a sigh. “You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not comfortable. You just seem… Sad lately.”

“Sad?” [Name] inquired, Chan nodding. It had only been a week and half since [Name]’s second failed attempt at her confession and if she were to be honest, [Name] was a little upset with herself after she managed to overcome her embarrassment. The moments continued to relay in her head, letting her self pity overtake at times.

But was she that obvious? [Name] worried if Wonwoo ever caught on; he always had a tendency to read the room, especially when it came to her. He always seemed to understand when she was overdoing or uncomfortable before she was even able to comprehend her emotions. What’s the possibilities if he picked up on her recent habits? A high chance, only making her question why hadn’t he mentioned anything to her?

This only sparked her worrisome behavior even more, eyebrows furrowing further, though she wasn’t able to spiral any further when the sensation of a sharp poke to her forehead brought her back down to reality. “Ow?” [Name] prompted, hand covering her forehead as she looked at Chan.

“You’re doing it again.” He admonished, frowning too. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Honestly? No, not really.” [Name] admitted, leaning back to watch the entrance of the café to see if anyone had walked in yet. “It’s kinda complicated.”

“Complicated how?”

“A guy kind of complicated.”

“Ah…” Chan hummed. “I have no idea what that means.”

[Name] only groaned quietly, fighting off the urge to waste any more work products to throw at her younger coworker’s head. “Nevermind. It’s hard to explain.”

“We’ve got five hours until our shift ends. I think I can grasp difficult concepts.” Chan reassures, chest puffing up proudly

“Fine, fine. I don’t even know where to start. There’s this guy…”

[Name] wasted no time explaining her hopeless conundrum—her seemingly unrequited love to the Love or Letter segment and even the embarrassing, half-hearted attempts of her confessions. 

Surprisingly, Chan managed to keep up with her, despite her lack of tracking with the timeline and needing to run back and forth between explanations. She’d pause for a second, watching to see if he was even hearing her despite his nods, receiving encouraging hums whenever they made eye contact. 

For some reason, this brought her to relax more as she began to speak freely. At one point, she even brought up the Chaewon girl from their study session (or study “date” from Chan’s point of view—again, he was served a hit to the leg with [Name]’s towel). Chan had been kind enough to provide a third party viewpoint, mentioning that she could more likely have been a project partner with Wonwoo and nothing more.

By the time she finished, [Name] could almost feel the tears prick at the corners of her eyes. She hadn’t exactly expected herself to pour her thoughts and feelings into one night, albeit someone she hadn’t really expected—the sarcastic first year Lee Chan who always seemed to keep himself guarded with his own feelings despite having the most expressive display of emotions.

“Wow…” Chan said. “That sounds like a lot of unnecessary stress.”

“Lee Chan…”

“But I can see why you’re so caught up on your feelings about him.” Chan said, making [Name] raise her eyebrows at him. “Trust me, I’m having similar issues. I’m honestly making more mistakes than you.”

[Name] only nodded as a response, knowing when to not ask questions.  “Idiots in love.” She sighed out in despair, Chan holding out a fist for her to bump in solidarity.

“Idiots in love.” The younger man chanted back. “I think you should tell him, though. Despite getting a Letter.”

“...Why though?” [Name] asked, a look of horror crossing her face.

“Because you’re undeniably in love with this guy and from the sounds of things he’s acting like you’re the center of his universe.”

Chan was quick to dodge the towel thrown at his head. [Name] could only watch as the towel dropped on the ground, not ready to move just yet as she fought off the embarrassment rising from her neck.

“You—I—What part of me saying anything to you made you think that?" [Name] asked.

Chan only patted her shoulder. "You're literally hopeless. How are you about to graduate in less than a year?"

"I'm being practical."

"You're being in denial." Dino corrected, head turning when the sound of a door squeaking came to life. "If you're not going to accept it, let's just go back to work."

[Name] didn't respond, only watching as Chan walked up to the register to greet customers. Her? The center of Wonwoo's universe? In what way did she make it sound like that? [Name] could only scoff at the comment, turning away to continue with work, doing her best to find herself engrained in her tasks instead of Chan's words.

From [Name] 😒:

at the location. where are you? Sent 07:50 PM

From Wonwoo:

close by. why did i have to grab the blanket? hao was already at the apartment looking for something you asked him to get 😭 Sent 07:50 PM

From [Name] 😒:

wasnt answering my text. where now? Sent 07:52 PM

Wonwoo let out a sigh at the last text. Impatient as always. Especially when she was excited about something, It’s almost as bad as her memory when she’s in a hurry, which also seems to be something she does when she’s excited. 

He wasn’t exactly sure how many times he had to head back to their apartment to retrieve whatever it was [Name] forgot on her way to the campus grass but he hadn’t bothered to count after she frowned at him when a refusal almost slipped off the tip of his tongue.

“You’re lucky we’re friends.” Wonwoo grumbled as he handed off his backpack to [Name], who was gracious enough to offer to hold it so he didn’t need to drag it back to their home. He watched as [Name] hiked the large bag onto her shoulders, a smile forming when he noticed how much the bag stuck out from her, reminding him of a snail.

He was careful to tug off a strand of hair that was trapped under a strap as [Name] smiled up at him. “Don’t act like you don’t treat everyone with the same fake courtesies.” She teased, knocking her fist onto his arm.

Wonwoo rolled his eyes in response. “With you, I don’t think I can treat you the same way as everyone else.”

He had left shortly after that, not wanting to see [Name]’s face when he said the last part, which almost sounded as awkward as when he thought of it. Wonwoo could have died right then and there if he didn’t turn to run back to their apartment. His brain hadn’t allowed him to stop thinking about it until he got a call from Minghao, who they both deemed trustworthy enough to have a key for their apartment, mentioning he was inside to retrieve another item [Name] left behind and needed to have.

They had spent less than five minutes looking for the items before trudging back, Wonwoo with a bag full of chips and blanket and Minghao with [Name]’s portable charger in their hands. Wonwoo struggled to text [Name] back, mentioning they were nearing the clearing on campus where they agreed to meet everyone else.

“You know she can wait on that text, right?” Minghao reminded him. “Your chips are about to fall.”

Wonwoo was quick to hit send before readjusting his hold on the chips. “Yeah I know. I guess I’m just used to responding so quickly to [Name] I don’t want her to think I’m ignoring her or anything.”

Minghao hummed. “[Name] always takes forever to respond with my messages.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah. It took her a day to respond to a message from me asking what she wanted from the nearby bakery.”

The last time [Name] had taken so long to respond to him was only an hour because she was out on a lecture. “Huh…”

Minghao only opted to shoot an expressionless smile at Wonwoo’s curious hum, speeding up when he took notice of Jun’s towering figure next to [Name]. Minghao muttered something to Jun quickly in Mandarin, prompting the older man to land a slight nudge to his shoulder as a wordless response.

[Name] let out a laugh at the banter, making Jun offer an embarrassed smile in response. Wonwoo couldn’t help but frown at the small interaction, a feeling in his gut dropping. It disappeared once [Name] recognized him moving closer to them, the grin on her face never leaving as she ran up to him.

She tugged the blanket off his hand. “I promise I don’t need anything anymore.”

Wonwoo only shot her a doubtful look as they spread the blanket out together. Once all four were settled down, [Name] was quick to make the center of the blanket her spot, laying down as she stared up at the empty sky.

“How much longer?” She grumbled at Wonwoo, who settled himself to her right.

“So impatient.” Wonwoo jokes, prodding her side. [Name] squeaked, though she didn’t bother moving away from him, only keeping a hand on his wrist to keep him from doing anything else. “Vernon said they’ll start at 8:30. It’s still 8:20.”

[Name] groaned in response, rubbing her eyes. “I might be asleep by then…”

“Stay awake.” Wonwoo reprimanded, tugging her eyelid up.

“Gahhh.” [Name] grumbled, earning a “Gahh” back from Wonwoo. Regardless, she kept her eyes closed for a moment, breathing in the air. "When was the last time I laid down like this?"

"Summer before we started high school. Your brother threw a mud pie at your face and you went to my house for some reason to cry about it." Wonwoo responded. From beside them, he spotted Jun and Minghao engrossed in their own conversation, both their eyes shifting to a pair of girls on their phones a few blankets away.

"That's because I knew you'd  let me play your games out of pity." [Name] responded, laughing at the memory. "I can't believe you even remember that."

"I remember a lot of things."

"Hopefully I'm in most of them." [Name] respondes cheekily, scooting closer to Wonwoo to nudge his shoulder.

Actually you're all of them. Wonwoo wanted to say, but he wasn't stupid enough to say that, despite it being the truth. No matter how far back he can fish for memory, [Name] was always a constant in every single one of them.

 In every good or bad moment Wonwoo experienced, he always managed to remember that [Name] was with him and would do something so spectacularly outrageous or kind that he couldn't help but etch her into his mind.

His stomach turned again, all those memories rushing back in, hyperfocused on [Name]'s presence than whatever life lesson he was supposed to learn from them. He kept his gaze up at the sky, hearing a loud whizzing noise shoot up before colors burst out of seemingly thin air.

Everyone gasped. Jun's mouth dropped open wider and wider at the fireworks, grinning excitedly at Wonwoo when their eyes met for a brief period. Minghao was nowhere to be seen—Wonwoo guessed it might have to do with one of the girls he and Jun were eyeing.

Wonwoo let himself get lost at the bright skyline, marveling at the colors illuminating the campus fields. Whistles from other groups were heard, making Wonwoo laugh at their amusement.

“Ahhh, there’s always fireworks for any event the university hosts and everyone acts like it’s the first time anyone’s seen them.” Wonwoo jokes.

He had half expected [Name] to just hum or say a joke in passing, too occupied with the fireworks to hear what he’s saying. No such actions were made. Wonwoo turned his head down, curious to her silence, but was quick to learn why.

“Of course you fall asleep before the fireworks.” Wonwoo whispers to her, brushing off the curtain of hair that fell over her face. Everything was completely still for him, the sounds of cheering and fireworks falling deaf to Wonwoo’s ears as he watched a newer, more fascinating sight.

[Name]’s breathing was heavy and deep; a clear sign she hadn’t been sleeping too well. Wonwoo should be concerned at the thought, but he couldn’t help but appreciate the chance to see her this way—so relaxed, so unguarded around him. 

Recently, [Name] seemed so… Distant. Wonwoo wasn’t sure if it was something he had done and she was just waiting for him to acknowledge any mistake he made or if she was just preoccupied with school and he was reading too much into her actions. Regardless, he felt as if he hadn’t seen his best friend in forever and he was just seeing her now—beautifully flawless despite her antics.

A breeze passed by, making [Name] shiver. She stirred only slightly, though, turning her body to the closest heat source: him. Wonwoo didn’t fight against her as she curled herself into his side, letting out a sigh of relief once her head pushed itself to his shoulder.

Wonwoo froze only for a second—majority of that second consisting of him internally screaming like some lovesick school girl—before he maneuvered his arm carefully around her back, pulling her closer to him as he wrapped his arms around her.

[Name] was quick to move her head onto his chest instead of his shoulder at the new position, her arms wrapping around his middle and her legs tangling with his by the time Wonwoo finished adjusting himself. Again, Wonwoo let himself stop moving for a moment to internally wonder what life he saved in his past life to put himself into this position.

“Oh?” A voice beside him says. Wonwoo peaks over the mass of hair in front of him to see Jun grinning their way, not paying attention to the fireworks anymore.

“Shut up.” Wonwoo warned, eyes narrowing behind his glasses.

“I didn’t say anything.” Jun defended.

“Just shut up anyways.”

Jun rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to the fireworks with a smirk. “Whatever. Text me once you tell her how you feel by the way. I made a bet with Hao and I wanna pool in my prize money.”

Wonwoo felt his jaw drop. “You made a bet on my love life?”

“Yeah,” Jun admitted with a shrug. “Don’t worry, though. Once you’re done with your little pining we can make a bet against Hao and that one girl he’s working with. Something tells me he’s worse than you about admitting his feelings to someone.”

“You—”A groan could be heard beside Wonwoo as he started talking. [Name] was stirring in her sleep, clearly feeling his voice reverberating against his chest as he spoke. Wonwoo was quick to stop himself, squeezing [Name] gently to keep her from waking up. “You’re lucky she’s asleep.”

Jun chuckled. “You’re lucky she’s asleep.”

Damn Jun. Was the only thought that went through Wonwoo’s head. He gave up on his argument with Jun, half afraid of waking [Name] and half afraid of admitting the truth that, yes, he’s the biggest idiot alive for not realizing until now just how undeniably in love he is with his childhood friend and all those years of him watching her back wasn’t just out of friendly courtesy.

By the time the fireworks died out, Wonwoo was still pondering on his next move. Minghao came back, a small smile edging on his usually stoic face. He made no argument against Jun as they helped pack Wonwoo and [Name]’s stuff while the taller of the three men woke [Name] up.

“Hey, come on.” Wonwoo urged, grinning when [Name] opened her eyes. “We have to go back home.”

“Did I miss the fireworks?” [Name] grumbled, staring at the nearly empty field. Wonwoo nodded. “Damn…” She knocked her head against his chest. “At least you’re a really comfortable pillow.”

God take him now. “Thanks.”

[Name] groaned as she picked herself up, offering a hand to Wonwoo to help him up. She only offered small conversation with Jun and Minghao, too focused on trying to find her footing after napping for so long. Wonwoo was quick to put an arm on her shoulder, leading as best as possible.

He shot Jun and Minghao a warning look when he heard one of them snicker to one another, conversing in Mandarin through hushed whispers (though, he was more than sure he heard [Name] and the word money be passed around a bit).

“You okay?” [Name] asked suddenly, making Wonwoo jump at her sudden concern. [Name] gave him a funny look. “You look constipated.”

“I’m fine.” Wonwoo said, voice a little too stiff for his liking. [Name] didn’t seem to buy into it either, though she didn’t bother to push further, most likely for privacy’s sake.

“Whatever you say…”

Wonwoo let a comfortable silence they were familiar with wave through them, the scraping of their sneakers against the pavement being the only sounds to come from them. Every now and then, he shot glances their way, watching as [Name]’s eyes blinked a little too hard at street lights.

Heh. Cute.

“What?”

“Huh?” Wonwoo asked, heart hammering out of his chest as he realized he just verbalized a very, very private thought. “I said, ‘Huh. Cool.’ at that star over there.”

[Name] glanced up at the sky, a frown on her face as she attempted to find whatever star it was Wonwoo was pointing at. “I don’t see a star—”

“You’re just blind then.”

“You—!”

She was about to cry. He didn’t even need to look at her to tell that she was crying; he could hear her sniveling all the way from the kitchen. Peaking over the window counter, Wonwoo glanced over at [Name] narrowing her eyes at her computer screen.

Yeah, she's definitely going to cry. And she definitely hadn’t eaten yet. No matter how many times Wonwoo warns her about her health, [Name] had a tendency to avoid eating until she was finished with whatever assignment it was she was working on. And crying was just a natural response out of her for papers at this point—meaning she was dehydrating and starving herself at this point.

Wonwoo glanced at his plate, which consisted of a sloppy looking burger at what Mingyu had attempted to teach him earlier.

“How can someone so independent be so useless at something like cooking?” He remembered Mingyu complaining after another failed attempt at making a burger with him the other night. Wonwoo had essentially trapped his poor underclassman, under the guise of offering to edit his literature papers for the rest of the next semester if he helped him achieve the impossible: cooking a decent meal.

“What even made you want to do this in the first place? You never found it interesting until now.”

“Something came over me.”

“Well let’s hope it passes over soon because you’re an impossible student at this point.”

Wonwoo was surprised he hadn’t managed to burn down a portion of their kitchen when he made the meal. Still, it didn’t stop the fact it looked like it was going to come to life at some point.

He sighed. “Even I wouldn’t eat something like this…” He mumbled, looking over at [Name], who is still engrossed in her paper. Her hair was down, a sight he was the only one he was able to see often since she kept it tied up and away when they weren’t at home. Her eyes were watering, from the computer screen or tears of frustration, Wonwoo wasn't sure anymore. 

[Name]’s lips were chapped too, obviously neglecting any water despite the water gathering behind her eyes. She licked at them in an attempt to ignore the growing sahara in her throat. Wonwoo swallowed down his nervousness, the burger thrown into the trash and a cold glass of water in his hand as he made his way to [Name].

Gently, he placed the water against the back of her neck, causing her to jump up with a scream. [Name] gripped at her laptop screen as she spun around, eyes wide awake now. Wonwoo could only offer a dismantling smile, offering the water to her wordlessly. [Name], still quite offended at his sudden presence, took it gratefully, chugging the water without question and setting it down on the table.

“Let’s get some food.” Wonwoo suggested, nudging her arm with his hand gently.

Surprisingly, those words alone were enough (or it could have been the part when Wonwoo offered to pay for her meal). Wonwoo could only watch in amazement as [Name] seemed to have some sort of skip to her step as they made their way to their favorite restaurant, a hole in the wall noodle shop known to be open in the late hours.

The server, an older woman who seemed to practically live there, offered a smile and wave to the both of them as she set a bowl down to a table where a lone man sat. “It’s been a while.”

“It’s the time for finals.” [Name] admitted, flinching when Wonwoo placed his large hand on her head.

“I’m just dragging her out to eat.”

The older woman smiled. “How sweet of you. I’ll get your usuals out and you can take a seat anywhere.”

Both nodded, situating themselves against a wall as they sat and waited for their food. [Name] mindlessly tapped at the table, humming an English song—Taylor Swift?—to herself as she examined the people in the restaurant. Her eyes stopped a little longer at the table the woman stopped at earlier, eyes narrowing slightly as she examined the man.

Wonwoo recognized him, but wasn’t entirely sure where exactly he was from. Regardless, it’s hard to even notice him with the copious amounts of black he’s covered himself in, making him blend into the dark wall. A red watch was around his wrist, which seemed to constantly light up with messages he didn’t bother to look at as he sipped mindlessly at his noodles.

A frown settled on his face as [Name] continued to stare, though he bit back whatever jealousy was bubbling up in him. “You think he’s cute?” Wonwoo teased, hoping the smile on his face didn’t match the bitterness he bit back.

[Name]’s widened, face morphing to embarrassment. Clearly, she wasn’t expecting him to be watching her long enough to notice. “No! Nothing like that; I just know him. He’s one of the producers for BooSeokSoon Radio. I can’t remember his name. Lee Jimin?”

“Jihoon.” Wonwoo corrected, finally remembering him. “Isn’t he the one that got popular around campus because Hoshi posted a selfie with him when he wasn’t looking?”

“Yeah and everyone thought he was hot?” [Name] whispered quietly. They both looked back this time, examining the man’s side profile. “I mean, they aren’t wrong.”

She laughed when she felt Wonwoo tug at a strand of her hair. “Superficial.”

“I’m just saying something we’re all thinking, Woo.” [Name] answered with a cheeky grin. Wonwoo rolled his eyes, though the bitterness was well pushed aside in favor of the easy going conversation.

Time flew by as they continued to speak, most of it being meaningless conversations, though Wonwoo hadn’t minded. He wasn’t much of a talker, meaning [Name] was the one who continued with the rambles and he was more than willing to not talk if it meant just watching and listening to her.

It seemed like forever when the food arrived. Wonwoo wasn’t exactly concerned with however long it took, if he were to be honest, but something in his stomach flipped when he watched [Name]’s eyes widen in excitement when favorite noodles were placed in front of them. [Name] made sure to smile up at the old woman and provided a grateful thank you before turning to her food.

Wonwoo watched her push her loose hair out of the way as she slurped at the noodles, not caring how messy it looked. She had been hungry and clearly hadn’t realized until now. A laugh almost escaped him at how her cheeks looked filled with noodles. Kind of like a chipmunk. A very cute chipmunk.

[Name] turned her eyes up, nearly making Wonwoo’s eyes widen when he realized two things: 1) He had yet to put his head down to eat his own noodles and 2) he was definitely smiling like an idiot right now.

“You okay?” [Name] asked curiously.

Wonwoo only nodded, wordlessly dipping down to eat his meal, so he wouldn’t be able to say no, he most definitely wasn’t okay. Especially when someone like her was always around him and he couldn’t seem to find any sort of courage to do anything about it.

“Wonwoo’s acting weird.” [Name] muttered. She was currently frowning at her paper, eyes practically glued to her computer. Chan nodded, clicking at his keyboard loudly as he listened to her.

After [Name]’s cry session with him, their friendship had graduated past the usual ones co-workers fall into—polite conversations turned into confession nights about their respective tumultuous love lives. Chan liked to call it a newly found kinship, while [Name] liked to call this an emotional support coworker situation.

There were even a few times both met outside of work settings to study together when no one else was able to come with them, like right now. They were sitting in a library, [Name] mulling over her research paper while Chan studied for his physiology final.

“What do you mean by that?” Chan inquired.

“He’s just been… Weird.” [Name] frowned at the word, not liking the sound of it to describe the taller man, though she hadn’t been wrong.

It was no secret that Wonwoo was quiet. But not as quiet as he’s been as of recent. [Name] could be sitting in their living room or eating whatever was left in their fridge in the kitchen and she wouldn’t notice him suddenly standing behind her, which frightened her a little too much.

Naturally, she would chastise him for making her jump, but he’d only reply with a quiet apology with a follow of silence afterwards once he made himself comfortable. 

His eyes were always seemingly focused elsewhere, too. Wandering or gliding somewhere else whenever she found herself staring at him. Usually [Name] would come to some kind of conclusion as to why he was acting so differently, but even after a week of trying to figure him out, she couldn’t figure him out.

“Maybe he’s mad at you.” Chan suggested, eyes still trained on his notes.

“Mad at me for what?” [Name] muttered, mainly to herself. A buzz from her phone brought her back, looking down and sighing as she read her text. “Speak of the devil.”

Chan lifted his head, eyes trained on [Name] as she typed a response to Wonwoo. A grin spread on her face as her phone buzzed again from whatever message it was Wonwoo sent back to her. “Jesus, just date the man already. You’re grinning like an idiot. Also, you said no phones until 7:00PM.”

[Name] rolled her eyes. “It’s 6:54.”

“Yeah. Still not 7:00PM.” Dino responded, holding his hand out, to which [Name] maneuvered herself away from him. “Hey, you can’t break the rules!”

“It was a roommate situation.”

“A roommate situation or a Wonwoo is the one texting situation?”

[Name] offered a glare his way. “Roommate. Apparently something happened with the air conditioning in our apartment and we need to talk to our landlord, like, right now.”

Chan narrowed his eyes, clearly trying to see if she was fibbing. He let out a sigh, waving his hand away. “Yeah, yeah. Go deal with it then. You better be finished with your paper by the time I see you again.”

“Yeah, yeah…” [Name] said dismissively, packing her bag quickly. 

She nearly lost her grip on the bag, however, when Chan added. “And you better turn that Wonwoo texting situation into a Wonwoo kissing situation.”

“Chan—”

“Bye.”

Chan turned his head down, popping an earbud into his ear, visibly turning the volume up on his laptop so he couldn’t hear her anymore. [Name] muttered a quiet groan, face heating up as she stomped out to make her way to her shared apartment with Wonwoo.

From [Name]:

how exactly bad is the a/c situation? Sent 06:58PM

From Wonwoo 😶:

tundra. Sent 06:59PM

From [Name]:

…what? Sent 06:59PM

“Yeah, your A/C is broken.” The landlord commented. [Name] only blinked at him while Wonwoo could only respond with a stiff nod.

“Well… Duh.” [Name] said, motioning to her and Wonwoo, who were both covered head to toe in the fuzziest blankets known to man. By the time [Name] made her way home, Wonwoo had been near the door to drape a blanket over her and offer a warning that it was too cold to not have one on at the moment. “How long do you think it’ll take for the system to be fixed?”

The landlord hummed, not taking his eyes off his phone. An annoyed irk stung through [Name], only fighting off the urge to argue with him when Wonwoo placed a comforting hand on her lower back. Their eyes met briefly, [Name] clearly a bit confused but Wonwoo spoke up, albeit calmer in comparison to [Name].

“We just need to know so we can take precautions.” Wonwoo explained. “It’s starting to become colder outside and we’re at a higher part of the apartment complex…”

“I’d say maybe a week then.” The landlord said.

“A week…” [Name] mumbled to herself, wondering how they could possibly deal with something that long.

“I’d suggest maybe finding a friend to stay with for the time being or maybe even just rent a hotel room for now.” The landlord, making both only stare at him as a response. Clearly, he forgot they were college students living on a budget.

“We’ll manage.” Wonwoo said, proceeding to speak with the landlord while [Name] sat off to the side, doing her best to will the cold away with her blanket. She waited to say something until their front door closed and Wonwoo’s soft footsteps found themselves making their way toward [Name].

[Name] didn’t fight back when Wonwoo sat as close as possible to her, enjoying the heat that radiated off of him. “So… What now?”

Wonwoo only sighed, rubbing at the spot where his glasses sat as he tried to think. “I mean, if you’re really cold I’d say maybe follow the landlord’s suggestions? I can stay here and wait for when the electrician comes next week—”

“I’ll stay.” [Name] responded. “I’d feel bad if I left you alone here in the cold.”

Wonwoo nodded and they both slipped into an awkward silence. [Name] shifted slightly, not sure what to do next. Some part of her wanted to confront him, ready to ask him what was up with him for the past few weeks. Another part of her wanted to do something she’s been holding back on for so long: to confess.

From the corner of her eye, she can feel Wonwoo staring at her, as if anticipating something as well. [Name] bit at her tongue, deciding on neither as she picked herself up. “I’m going to get ready for bed. I’ll make sure to get you more blankets after I’m done.”

She walked off before she could hear Wonwoo talk. As much as she enjoyed his presence, the unaddressed pressure felt like it would have suffocated her if she stayed any longer. Maybe a warm shower might help calm her down? Maybe. [Name] wasn’t sure if something physical like that would help her in any way but it definitely was better than sitting and waiting for one of them to talk.

[Name] wasn’t sure how long she was in shower, but by the time she had been out, Wonwoo was already in his pajamas, pouring hot chocolate into two cups when she trudged into the kitchen. “Here. Drink it before you sleep.” Wonwoo offered, handing the warm cup into her hands.

Wonwoo was mesmerized. Well, for the past few weeks he’s been like that, a little mystified for his liking, but he couldn’t help it. No matter how small of a task she did, [Name] somehow managed to do it in her own kind of quirky way and Wonwoo picked up on every single habit.

Even when she was drinking the hot chocolate, he couldn’t help but notice the way [Name]’s fingers tapping at the ceramic cup every time she tilted the cup to tske a sip. He was sure his mouth dropped a little at the sight, but he was quick to close it when [Name] looked up at him. He averted his eyes to something else as well, not sure how he would react if she found him gaping at her like some lost puppy.

[Name] motioned a quick thank you, breathing in the sweet scent coming from the chocolate as she eyed the stovetop. “Did you try cooking again?”

Wonwoo was quick to hide the pan of eggs he accidentally burned earlier. “...No.”

“Jeon Wonwoo, what is with you and cooking these days?” [Name] chastised, walking around him, eyes widening in shock at the destruction behind his tall frame. She looked up at him, eyes filled with concern. “Are you sick of my cooking or something?”

“Wha—No!” Wonwoo countered. “I was just trying to learn so I could—”

He stopped mid sentence, biting back his next words. So I could impress you.

[Name] raised an eyebrow. “So you could…?”

“...cook for myself while you’re gone?” He said, hoping it sounded convincing enough.

[Name] examined him for a moment, eyebrows knit together as she processed his words.

“Are you sure?”

At this moment in time, Wonwoo wished he could just turn back time and not make up a lie like that again. “Mhm.”

“Okay then…” [Name] said, turning away, cup still in her hands. “Well, I’m going to sleep now. Goodnight.”

“‘Night.” Wonwoo said, keeping a stiff smile one his face until he couldn’t see her anymore. He dropped his head into his hands as he muttered to himself. “Jeon Wonwoo, you big idiot.”

[Name] wasn’t sure what else to do besides sleep. The energy meant for her paper flew out the window once she made it to her home. Most of it went into trying to think of their plan and the rest went into figuring out the mystery that is Jeon Wonwoo. If it hadn’t been so cold in her room, [Name] would have gotten a headache by now.

“Is he mad at me? Maybe he’s upset that I scolded him for the eggs?” She whispered to herself, thinking of Chan’s words. She shook her head. No, definitely not. But then why lie about his reasoning to start cooking?

Again, maybe it was a good thing the A/C wasn’t working for them. She’d rather focus on trying to get as warm as possible instead of what was beyond her door at this moment. She closed her eyes, thinking warm thoughts and warm places until she felt herself succumb to sleep.

At least, she tried to at least for the next two hours. She wasn’t sure how, but the cold managed to find its way under her large pile of blankets. [Name] could feel her own bones shaking at this point. She stayed under there for what felt like hours, feeling as if her body was going to freeze any time soon if she didn’t do anything about it.

A thought crossed her mind; a thought so seeded in desperation and exhaustion that [Name] thought she might be going crazy. She shook her head the minute an image flooded her mind.

If the circumstances weren’t so strange, [Name] wouldn’t even think twice in her decisions. Right now, [Name] was more than happy to stay curled up in a ball instead of whatever idea she just thought of.

[Name] was resolute with her ideas for several minutes, trying to convince herself it was warmer to stay where she was instead of ruining the little cocoon she made for herself. She had only given up when she felt a final cold breeze making its way through her back, causing goosebumps to erupt in her arms. She was quick to kick off her sheets and wrap them around her as she picked herself up and walked out her room and into Wonwoo’s.

He hadn’t been sleeping when she barged in, his glasses still attached to his face and whatever book he was reading was currently hanging off his fingertips as he looked up at [Name].

“What are you—” Wonwoo started, but was greeted with [Name] essentially flinging herself onto him.

“I’m cold and you’re the only other heater left in this place. Now, stay quiet and let me sleep because my bones won’t be as iced over when I wake up tomorrow.” [Name] responded in a rush, body pushed close enough to his body to the point that her cheek was resting against her shoulder.

Wonwoo could only look, not sure what to do next as she pulled her own blankets over his, trying to trap in as much warmth between them as possible. He set his book aside, hands hovering over her body as he tried to figure out what they should be doing next.

He decided to keep them at his sides, body barely moving as a million thoughts rounded off in his head. Why is she suddenly here? Was she that cold? God, what if he needs to use the bathroom? Her hair smells nice—

A slap to Wonwoo’s chest brought him back to reality. [Name] glared up at him. “Stop tapping your arm so much.” She grumbled, grabbing the arm against her’s. He hadn’t known it was moving so much. “Aren’t you uncomfortable laying like that? I know you sleep like you’re strapped to some target.”

“I’m fine like this,” Wonwoo answered. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

[Name] offered him an amused look. “I’m never uncomfortable if it’s you, Woo.” She responded honestly. A warm feeling erupted from his chest at that confession. “Even if you’ve been acting weird lately.”

Wonwoo laughed. “Who said I was being weird?”

He yelped when a painful sting came to his forehead. [Name] sat up onto her elbows, glaring at the tall man as if he said something offensive. “Don’t play dumb. I don’t get why, but you’ve been staring off into space lately and won’t look me in the eye sometimes. It’s a miracle we’re talking right now.”

His playful gaze softened immediately when they met her sharp ones. “Sorry, I didn’t know I was doing that so much lately. It’s just… I’m a coward.”

“A coward?” [Name] asked, raising an eyebrow.

Wonwoo nodded. “A big, fat coward.” He echoed back. “Call me an idiot, but why did it take me twenty-two years to realize I was in love with someone I’ve known my whole life?” [Name]’s eyes widened, but not a sound came from her. Wonwoo took it as his chance to keep going. “We grew up together, now we’ve lived together for almost four years so how come now is it that I realized that I’ve been hopelessly in love with you?”

“I—”

“Even before I realized, I was so annoyed when guys came up to you and I never once felt like I had to put something up whenever you’re around. And it took me this long to realize it wasn’t just because you were my best friend.” Wonwoo continued, not sure when he’ll have another opportunity to say something like this. He was scared, especially since this was so spontaneous—a trait he wasn’t exactly known for.

“Woo—”

“Look, you can reject me tomorrow but can we just stay like this—”

He wasn’t able to finish his sentence. How could he? A pair of lips slotted against his stopped him before he could utter his last words. Wonwoo stared up in shock. Half because he just confessed and half because oh my God, [Name] is kissing him. His mind blanked when she let up, a grin evident on her face.

“We can stay like this however long you want.” She offered, smiling. “Just, at least let me say that I do wonder, too, why it took you so long to figure that out when I’ve been waiting for a while now.”

Wonwoo’s jaw dropped. “You—Like romantically?”

“Would I have kissed you if it wasn’t?” [Name] countered, the pretty smile never leaving her face as she spoke.  “If it makes you feel better, I didn’t really pick up on your actions either; but that’s just because you’re a big oaf with no sense of emotional direction sometimes.”

“How long have you been waiting?” Wonwoo interrogated, turning his body fully towards her,

“Last year of high school. You earned high awards for all of high school and your parents threw you a party for high achievements. You didn’t even hesitate to take out that permanent marker and write my name down next to yours on that congratulations banner.” [Name] revealed, pushing some strands of hair out of his space as she spoke.

Wonwoo groaned. “That long?” He asked, embarrassment running through him. He laid his forehead against her shoulder, which shook from her laugh.

“Better late than never.” [Name] offered, though she wasn’t sure if she should be saying much either. She was more than ready to let her feelings for him die with her if he wasn’t going to say anything. Not to mention, she hadn’t exactly listened to anyone when they were pointing things out about him either (she had a feeling Chan was going to say something snarky when they meet again).

Wonwoo pulled her down to him, pressing himself as close to her as possible as he hugged her tightly. “Well, I guess I’ll have to make up for the four years of leaving you hanging like that.”

“That’s fine with me.” [Name] agreed, humming when she felt his lips press at the top of her head.

“That is, after you finish your essay, I mean.”

“Why do you like ruining nice moments…”

[xanadontit]

Hey @tap-shoes I got you!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have two kids, ages 14 months and 2 years old. Ever since the second was born, I’ve been kind of uncomfortable with the fact that my husband is NEVER alone with both of them, outside of me going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

Anytime I have somewhere to be, he has at least one of his parents come over or he goes to their house or his sister’s house (they all live locally) with the kids. I’ve been hesitant to bring it up because I don’t want to try to control the time he spends with the kids, and when I mentioned it to my close friend she said I should take it as a gift because I find his family a bit overbearing, so he gets the time with his family, his family gets the time with the kids, and I don’t need to spend extra time with them. But it has made me wonder if he is comfortable with our kids on his own, which any parent should be.

Very early this morning I received a call that my mother was being taken to the hospital in serious condition. I am her medical proxy and live about an hour and a half away. I immediately got up to get dressed and told my husband I needed to go and would make sure I was back in time to pick up the kids from daycare at the end of the day as I always do (he drops them off). He got panicky and asked me to give him a minute to call his mother because he needed her to come over in case the kids woke up and to help with the morning routine. I told him that was ridiculous; I can understand wanting a hand with the morning routine, but she didn’t need to come over at 2:30 a.m. to sit on alert while the kids slept, especially since they both sleep through the night on their own 95 percent of the time. He said he wasn’t comfortable being there alone with them and he needed me to wait to leave until one of his parents got there. I said no, I had an emergency to deal with and I would be going, he could handle two sleeping kids and should just go back to bed himself until his alarm, and I left. Twenty minutes later I saw a notification on our security cameras that his mother had arrived at the house.

It’s a few hours later and I’m sitting in the waiting room waiting for an update on my mother’s surgery and for my siblings to arrive and I just don’t even know what to think. I’ve tried texting and calling and he didn’t answer. I just don’t understand how you can be uncomfortable taking care of your own children and think just constantly having someone else around is an acceptable solution. He only ever seems to have regular new-ish parent worries, not over-the-top anxiety. What’s the best way to address this when I get home? I know he will be mad I left, but I’m mad he put me in a situation where I had to choose to leave. Shouldn’t you be able to take care of your own children? Did I miss something I should have seen?

—Can’t Leave Him Alone

Dear Alone,

First off, I really hope your mom is OK. That isn’t a call anyone wants to receive, especially in the middle of the night.

Presumably, you’ve come home since writing this letter; I wish we had a Reddit-style update I could pull up, but I’ll have to consign myself to the land of make-believe instead. If you and I were dealing with this in real-time, I would tell you to find a time later this afternoon or evening when you are both calmer and ask him why he feels he can’t be alone with the kids. But you can still have this conversation even though that moment has passed. Try to truly listen to his reasons and see if you can uncover whether this is real anxiety/fear or whether it’s a version of weaponized incompetence (which doesn’t have to be intentional to exist). Explain that while you don’t mind extended family helping out in general, it concerns you that you can’t count on him in an emergency.

If he’s reticent to see the problem, ask him what his plan is when his mom is gone, but you need to be out of town. What if you are the one who gets hurt, or worse? He needs to be able to step up and assume the full duties of parenthood, and not only in an emergency! You should be able to run an errand, get a manicure, or see a friend without making childcare arrangements. If he truly cannot step up because of deep-rooted anxiety, then he needs to be looking at therapy of some kind. I do not mean to be unkind, but this is the behavior of a mother’s helper, not a parent.

—Allison

[eyeballpussy]

Game - Sebastian Michaelis x chubby! Fem! Reader

Warnings: alcohol and getting drunk, lap sitting, suggestive talk, Sebastian gets hard, teasing, they don’t actually fuck, this is part one.

Big gaps in texts are supposed to be time skips

Lmk if I should actually write part two

Not proof read !!!!!!!

_______________________________________________

You had gotten a letter in the mail about a small get together for the ‘adults’ in the mail. It’s was from Ceil, A friend you had met through Sebastian, his butler. It was a hand written letter, it read “Madam Y/n, as per my master’s request, you have been invited to the manor for an adults night. We encourage that you come tonight at 9:00pm.”

You just took it inside. You didn’t know what he meant by “adult night” was it a suggestive party? Or just a get together of certain adults. Anyways, it was around 5:00pm when you read the letter so you decided to start getter ready.

You were about to walk out the door before you looked at the sky and saw it was still light out. “Fuck it” you told yourself, not wanting to wait in your home.

You began your walk to the manor. It was quite funny actually, you were a being that could fly for fucks sake and your walking. You were about halfway there when you got fed up and just flew.

When you arrived at the building, you looked through the window to see Sebastian setting out some silverware. You knocked on the door and it opened a couple seconds later.

“Madam Y/n? Your here early.” He said. You walked in. “I suppose I am. Do you need any help at all?” You asked as Sebastian took your coat from you and hug it up.

“Oh dear no, that’s a butlers job” he said. “But it’s an adults night. Shouldn’t you be taking a break?” You asked. He led you to a seat at the table. “Im allowed a break after my master is put to bed.” He said.

You nodded in response. “Why are you hear so early?” A young voice called out. “Well isn’t it always nice to see you, ciel” You told. He began to speak but there was a knock at the door.

You started to get up to get it but a hand was placed onto your shoulder. “Sit, madam y/n, this is another butler job” he said in a teasing voice. From the door in came grell, madam red, Ronald, and William. In total being six adults in the room now.

Grell walked into the dinning room and yelled, “what the hell is she doing here?!” She almost screamed. Grell had hated you for two reasons, one, you were a demon, like Sebastian which he was more liking to mate with. And two, you were so much prettier than her.

“I’m an adult am I not?” You asked, acting oblivious. “That’s not the point!” She mumbled. You greeted the other people who came in and you all sat down at the table

It was well into the night by now. Ciel was put to sleep and it was just the adults now. William hadn’t taken a sip of alcohol while madam red, grell and Roland on the other hand were drunk off their asses. Somehow, the room fell silent for a second.

“Sebastian..” madam red slurred out. He looked in her direction. “Ya know how you always so composed?” She dragged out. “Yes, why?” He asked In return. She thought for a moment before sitting up and yelling “how about we play a game. Whoever can make Sebastian flustered wins $100!”

“I don’t see why not” he said with a smirk on his face. Everyone began telling inappropriate stories and jokes to try and get him to crack but nothing worked. You tried thinking of anytime you’ve caught him staring at someone and where he was looking.

An idea suddenly popped into your head. “Sebastian, you don’t strike me as a guy who’s like a skinned girl” you started. He only nodded in response, wondering where you were going with this.

“But if a girls too big you don’t like them either huh” you got up and walked towards him. You sat your thick thighs on either sides of his legs, caging him. You grabbed his hand and brought to your waist, setting it down.

“I suppose my body would be to your liking?” You stared into his eyes. Type watched as his face went from pale to a bright red in an instant. You got off of him and sat down next to him.

You looked around a the room as you started laughing. Madam red looked so shocked, grell looked like she was about to kill you, and Ronald and William were both slightly blushing.

When you finished laughing you looked At Sebastian’s face again, it was still such a bright color. Your eyes trailed down his body and stopped at his crotch. He was hard.

He definitely wasn’t fully hard but he also looked huge. The others were to distracted to notice. He stood up “it is time for you all to leave. Sighs were heard as they walked out the door.

You began to walk out but your wrist was grabbed. “Your staying here for the night” he told you.

[thatlovinfeelin]

Eye Of The Storm - three- Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw

Baby Kazansky X Rooster

One  Two

Molly bit back a grin as she looked down at the paper in front of her.  She knew her cheeks were red and she was likely moments away from giggling like a little girl. This wasn’t the first letter he sent her after she went back to school. Far from it, really. He wrote and texted and called all of the time. She was sure it should feel wrong in some way, but nothing seemed to feel so right.

“Ah, she’s got another one,” Erika cooed as her and Beth made their way into the apartment.

“Has he started to write filthy lover things yet?” Beth questioned jokingly.

“Stop,” Molly groaned, folding up the letter and jamming it back into the envelope, “He’s sweet. We talk about school and work.”

“Like you do in the middle of the night? Almost every night?” Erika wiggled her eyebrows, “We hear you on the phone with him.”

Molly couldn’t argue though, because she talked to Bradley, who she now called Rooster, almost every night of the week. Sometimes they didn’t even have anything new to talk about, they just sat there on the phone together. There was something comforting about being on the phone with him, hearing his voice all of the time.

During he last week home, she snuck out to see him more often than not. They spent their time getting to know one another. He took her to restaurants off the beaten path, far enough away that no one would really look twice at either of them.

She never quite let her walls down around him though. She let him in more than most, but she also kept him at a safe distance. The feeling of the butterflies in her stomach felt like a warning sign, they seemed to be telling her to run just as much as her heart was telling her to stay.

“Is he coming for graduation?” Beth asked, leaning against the table.

“No, just my parents. But, Rooster is flying out to drive back to Miramar with me.”

“Secretly, I take it?” Erika questioned.

Molly tried to hide her smile as she shrugged, “He’s just coming to keep me company.”

The other two girls hummed, knowing their friend was already in deep. They knew Molly wouldn’t admit it, but she was already falling for her pilot. They could see it in the way her eyes shimmered when she talked about or two him. Or the way her cheeks turned pink when they mentioned him.  

Molly liked the way he made her feel. She might have even liked it too much. She couldn’t wait to see him. The original plan was that she was going to pack up and drive from UConn back to Miramar all by herself, but when she told Rooster of the plan he insisted that he come with her. He told her that he had plenty of leave saved up, since he didn’t have any family to visit. So, they would spend several days making the cross country drive together.

Her room was full of boxes. Whatever she wasn’t going to take was either sold or donated. Beth and Erika were staying for an extra few weeks after Molly left. But soon enough their apartment would be empty, ready for the next group to take over.

“I’m going to miss living with you two,” Molly said after a long while, “It’s going to be weird living on my own.”

“I have a feeling flyboy will keep you company just fine,” Erika joked, her southern accent coming through.

“Oh shut up,” Molly tried not to laugh, “We just kissed a few times before I left, that’s all.”

“But we all know you’d give him the keys to your kingdom if the opportunity presented itself.”

“Ew, Beth, you did not just say that,” Erika smacked the other girl, “ Be blunt about it. She would let him fuck her. Hell, I would too.”

“Back off you two,” Molly groaned, dropping her head onto the counter, “I swear to god, if you say anything when he comes, I will kill both of you.”

Erika and Beth started laughing, knowing full well Molly wouldn’t do anything to them. Not really. She could scare everyone else, make them think she was scarier than she was. But in reality, the other two knew it was just an act, yet another wall Molly built up.

“I’m scared that I really like him,” Molly admitted softly.

“Well, dear, I hate to tell you this, but you already have him whipped. He wouldn’t be sending you handwritten letters, calling you all of the time, or just fly out here so he can drive all the way back to San Diego with you if he didn’t.”

Molly tried not to smile as she pushed herself out of the chair. She wouldn’t admit that she thought the same thing, or what she was feeling for the aviator. Admitting any of fer feelings for him could be dangerous, for both of them. Sure, he kissed her like a starving man, and she held onto him like her life depended on it before she left. But that was different…everything felt different.

“I need a beer,” Molly groaned, making her way to thr fridge, “You know, I think you two are a little too invested in my love life or whatever.”

“Only because all you’ve done is making out in the corner of a frat house, maybe second base, third that one time before he passed out, but never, and I mean never, have you shown this much interest,” Erika pointed out.

“That’s because I didn’t want another guy that would pass out on me. Or fumble his way through sex and never call me again. That’s your thing, not mine,” Molly took a long swig of the beer before making a face, “God, that tastes like piss.”

“It’s an old PBR, what do you expect?” Beth questioned.

“Us to have better beer. Jesus,” Molly took a big breath before gulping more down, “Yeah, that doesn’t get better the more you drink it.”

Erika laughed before picking up the keys to the apartment, “Then let’s go to the bar. C’mon, we only have a few more days to drink together here.”

Molly chugged the rest of the beer, coughing and gagging once it was all gone, “Yeah, I’m down. I need something strong.”

“Is flyboy calling you tonight?” Beth wiggled her eyebrows.

Molly grabbed her phone to check the date, but also to see if she had any new texts from him. She frowned for a moment before shaking her head, “No, he has duty or training or something all day. And Uncle Pete is having a bunch of them over tonight or something.”

“Then you’re getting drunk with me. One last hurrah with Blizzard.”

Molly looked over at Erika who just shrugged and smiled, ushering the other two out of the front door. Molly didn’t fight them though, because she knew her days with them were limited. Soon, she would be over three thousand miles away from her best friends. She wouldn’t be able to just walk into their bedroom when she needed them.

“Well, if this is supposed to be my final farewell, then you better call the rest of the team,” Molly joked, “Better show the freshman what a proper send off looks like.”

That weekend, Molly watched as all of her friends ran to embrace their significant others. Some of them were already married or engaged. She felt a strange pang in her chest, wishing there was someone else here for her other than her parents. None of her siblings could take off, opting instead to watch the livestream of graduation and call her later. There was someone else who was becoming very important to her that was doing the same thing.

She played with her cap, turning it around in her hands as she waited for her parents to come find her. Bethany was tangled up in the arms of a ‘reformed frat boy’ that she started seeing just after spring break, although they claimed it was still very casual. While Erika was hugging her family. Both of the girls caught sight of Molly and blew her a kiss, something they started doing their freshman year during games. Molly smiled, choking back tears and returned the favor. There wouldn’t be many more of those.

“Molly! Honey!”

Molly nearly squealed as she ran to her parents. Her dad wasn’t in his dress uniform, but he still looked the part. He bent down a little to catch her as she flung herself at him, laughing as she did.

“I did it,” She cheered, waving the empty diploma holder.

“We’re so proud of you,” Her mom hugged her tightly.

Molly’s had started buzzing from her dress pocket, “Oh, hold on, it’s probably Uncle Pete. He was watching too.”

BRB: Margaret? Thats your full name?

Molly forced back a smile before another text came in.

BRB: Congratulations by the way. Can’t wait to see you Monday.

“He’s just congratulating me,” She told her parents, slipping her phone back into her pocket.

“Maverick is just as proud as the rest of us,” Her father told her, kissing the top of her head.

She wasn’t lying about the contents of the text, but the person that sent it wasn’t the same. BRB, Bradley Rooster Bradshaw. It was easy to disguise, an old teammate of hers was called the same thing. She could very easily say it was them. But it was Rooster. Her Rooster.

She shook her head at the thought, trying to erase it from her mind. He wasn’t hers. He couldn’t be hers. That wasn’t an option, but she would take whatever he would give her.

“We should go, I don’t want to miss our reservations,” She hugged her parents again, slipping her phone out of her pocket.

I’ll call you when I can slip away for a second.

BRB: I’m on the ground all weekend. Take your time.

She waited until they were all sat and ordered before she excused herself, saying she wanted to return a call. She lied when her parents asked who it was, claiming it was one of her siblings. They did call her away, so it was only half a lie. She found a bench outside, not occupied by anyone waiting to get in before she dialed a now familiar number.

“Well, I didn’t mean for you to call me so soon,” Rooster joked from the other end.

“I had a minute,” She replied, feeling her cheeks heating up, “Hi.”

“Hi,” The warmth of his voice seemed to take away the chill from the spring air, “Congratulations. You’re a big bad educated woman now.”

“Damn right I am.”

“I take it your with your parents?” His voice was so soft it sent tingles throughout her whole body.

“They’re inside. I ran out for a minute so I could call you,” She admitted softly, “I just wanted to hear you.”

He chuckled, “You’re going to see me in two days. A whole three thousand miles together.”

She felt her chest tighten, yet a smile flew across her face. She wasn’t entirely sure how she would survive that long in a car with him, but she couldn’t wait for it. The thought of the uninterrupted time where she didn’t have to look over her shoulder excited her.

“I still can’t thank you enough for doing this,” She told him.

“It’ll be good to get out of Miramar for a while, for something other than a mission. Besides, I like to drive.”

“I’m not letting you drive the whole time, so you better like being in the passenger seat.”

His laugh filled her ear. She loved the sound. Part of her almost hated how much she loved the sound of his laugh. She liked the jokes he told, and how sometimes he made himself laugh with them. She loved the way he smiled, and how his eyes seemed to turn more green when he was happy.

“I should head back before someone comes looking for me,” She sighed, leaning back against the wall behind her.

“I’ll call you before I take off, okay?”

“I’ll be waiting. Maybe even with an obnoxious sign and balloons.”

“Oh no honey, save that for another time.”

She tried to ignore the way her heart seemed to leap out of her chest. He didn’t call her names. Always Molly, sometimes Kazansky. He didn’t do pet names with her, but hearing him call her honey…she swore she might melt. Even if there was frost on the ground when she woke up and a cold northern breeze blowing.

“I’ll see you soon.”

“I look forward to it. Congrats again, Margaret.”

Molly groaned, wishing he was there so she could shove him, “Stop it. I hate my full name. It sounds like a grandma.”

“I like it....Margaret Alana.” It was almost as if he was testing to see how it sounded. Yet, she couldn’t help the way her heart seemed to take flight. She liked the way he said her name.

“Okay Bradley Bradshaw,” She rolled her eyes, emphasizing the first part of both names.

“Go back to dinner,” He laughed harder, “I’ll see you in a few days.”

“Fly safe.”

She swore she could hear the smirk as he responded, “I always do.”

The second he was gone from the other end of the line, she felt hallow. Molly was never dependent on another person. Once she was old enough to take care of herself, she did. She didn’t like having to rely on other people. Especially after seeing all her mom went through over the years while her dad was away on missions. Yet, even after Molly swore she would never get involved with a service member, she knew Rooster already had a big part of her. He probably didn’t even know it himself, but she would do anything he asked, go anywhere he asked her to go. She hated it, but deep down she already knew she would follow him to the ends of the earth.

[hchollym]

my belief that percy didn't genuinely like umbridge is moreso based on my characterisation of percy, and I was wondering if you (our resident text analysis pro) had anything on the textual side? or any thoughts? for me, anything 'positive' per see that percy says about umbridge is said in the context of professionalism - even his letter to ron, which he may have been aware could have been read by umbridge (considering we know umbridge read harry's letters later on, her screening his best friend's letters isn't a stretch). I don't see someone like percy gelling with someone like umbridge - percy likes rules and respects authority. he isn't cruel. umbridge is, fundamentally. feel free to disagree though!

I'm so sorry that it took so long for me to respond! 😭 But thank you for the title of resident text analysis pro! That's very sweet. 🥰

There's nothing in canon to really tell us what Percy thought vs. what he said, so it's all based on headcanons.

I personally think that as soon as Percy realized that Umbridge was cruel, then he definitely disliked her. Percy fully believes in doing the right thing and protecting the little guy, and Umbridge is literally the opposite.

However, we have keep in mind that Percy didn't know that right away. Umbridge's behavior wasn't public knowledge, and it's not like Percy's younger siblings were writing to tell him what was happening at Hogwarts. Fudge wouldn't have told him either, because he would have wanted plausible deniability; if Umbridge's cruelty comes to light in the media, then of course he didn't know what was happening.

So prior to Percy learning the truth, I do think he could have liked and respected her (or who she pretended to be, anyway).

At the beginning of Book 5, Percy & Umbridge are both present during Harry's trial for using magic outside of school. During this time, it becomes clear that Umbridge does not like Dumbledore and is insulted by his accusations against the Ministry of Magic (even if she addressed it in a polite way):

“I’m sure I must have misunderstood you, Professor Dumbledore,” she said with a simper that left her big, round eyes as cold as ever. “So silly of me. But it sounded for a teensy moment as though you were suggesting that the Ministry of Magic had ordered an attack on this boy!” She gave a silvery laugh that made the hairs on the back of Harry’s neck stand up. A few other members of the Wizengamot laughed with her. It could not have been plainer that not one of them was really amused. “If it is true that the dementors are taking orders only from the Ministry of Magic, and it is also true that two dementors attacked Harry and his cousin a week ago, then it follows logically that somebody at the Ministry might have ordered the attacks,” said Dumbledore politely.

Percy did not trust Dumbledore either (for good reason), believed in the Ministry of Magic (or at least wanted to), and would have appreciated the way she handled it so calmly instead of being brash and unprofessional.

In addition to that, Umbridge is very eloquent and talks a good game:

“The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance. The rare gifts with which you were born may come to nothing if not nurtured and honed by careful instruction. The ancient skills unique to the Wizarding community must be passed down through the generations lest we lose them forever. The treasure trove of magical knowledge amassed by our ancestors must be guarded, replenished, and polished by those who have been called to the noble profession of teaching.”

“Every headmaster and headmistress of Hogwarts has brought something new to the weighty task of governing this historic school, and that is as it should be, for without progress there will be stagnation and decay. There again, progress for progress’s sake must be discouraged, for our tried and tested traditions often require no tinkering. A balance, then, between old and new, between permanence and change, between tradition and innovation . . .”

“. . . because some changes will be for the better, while others will come, in the fullness of time, to be recognized as errors of judgment. Meanwhile, some old habits will be retained, and rightly so, whereas others, outmoded and outworn, must be abandoned. Let us move forward, then, into a new era of openness, effectiveness, and accountability, intent on preserving what ought to be preserved, perfecting what needs to be perfected, and pruning wherever we find practices that ought to be prohibited.”

All of that sounds good - she wants to focus on education, revise and improve Hogwarts' curriculum (which is lacking, particularly in consistency), and fix a broken system to restore order (because she knows that Dumbledore is an incompetent Headmaster; see linked post above).

Percy would definitely be in agreement with all of those things (and understandably so).

Plus, it's clear that Umbridge is not going to let people like Harry get away with whatever they want (which Dumbledore did, along with showing blatant and ridiculous favoritism toward him). Percy absolutely despises unearned favoritism; he wants power and recognition, but he fully believes he has to work for it. To Percy, Harry getting treated like an exception to every rule is no different than when it happens with people like the Malfoys, and he would be all for getting rid of that.

We obviously know that Umbridge's methods were awful and she was pure evil, but Percy didn't know that initially; he just knew that her self-proclaimed "goals" were things that actually did need to be done. Of course, as soon as the truth came out, Percy was likely horrified that he ever said anything positive about her!

Thanks for the ask! 😊

[ali-annals]

Chaotic Coffee Zombies- One

Masterlist Chapter Two Chapter Three

Pairing: Timari

Rating: T

CW: Mentioned off-screen character death, Tim is slightly OOC

Taglist (open): @aquilavela @ghostdoodlen @jennifer-rose123 @questioning-blob-of-fog

A/N: Happy birthday to my first bae @aquilavela!! I hope you have a wonderful year<3

~~~~~

“Kaalki, voyage! Divide! Spots off!” Marinette stumbled through the portal into her room and froze.

Oops.

“Young lady, what do you think you’re doing?”

She squared her shoulders and faced her parents. “Surprise?”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” “I couldn’t because…magic. But since I’ve just taken Hawkmoth and Mayura’s Miraculous, I guess now I can? Maman, Papa, I’m Ladybug, hero of Paris.” And Grand Guardian, she added silently, crossing her fingers behind her back.

“That’s why you were- oh, sweetie, if we’d known…” Sabine’s arms wrapped around Marinette, Tom engulfing both of them from the side. “I’m so sorry, honey. But you said you have Hawkmoth’s Miraculous?”

“I’ve settled with him,” Mari said grimly. “I don’t need to be Ladybug anymore.”

“He’s…you didn’t…”

“No, no, he’s still alive. I did punch him several times before I fixed everything, though.”

“As you should’ve,” Sabine nodded proudly. “You know we would have understood if…” she trailed off again, the whole situation making her usually chatty mother at a loss for words. “I’m sorry.”

Tikki flew out from behind Marinette’s back. “It’s not your fault for not knowing, Mme. Cheng! The Miraculous magic does a good job of keeping its wielder’s identity hidden. You should be proud of the- your daughter! She is the best Ladybug I’ve ever worked with!”

Tom and Sabine stared at the kwami in shock.

“Maman, Papa, this is Tikki, my kwami. She’s the ladybug kwami of Order, Creation, and Good Luck.”

~~~

After supper, once some of the shock wore off, Tom and Sabine had a good long talk with Marinette about the past five years. Tears and laughter were freely expressed as they were finally able to be openly emotional.

Luckily, school had just ended three days ago, so Marinette didn’t have to get up early for school. Once Nadja Chamack and Ladybug reported that Hawkmoth and Mayura were finally defeated, most of Paris shut down for the week to vent. The weeks after would be soon enough for celebration.

Mari explained the whole situation with Lila, and how Chloe and Kagami were the only friends she had left.

Now that Hawkmoth was gone, she could freely leave Paris. She still loved the city, but it had taken too much from her, and she needed a change. Tom and Sabine agreed.

“We’ll move to America,” they decided. “Your uncle Jagged is from Gotham; he’ll know good universities for you to attend.”

~~~

Jagged was ecstatic to have Mari closer to his home, and eagerly loaded her up with links and places to check out. He offered to write her letters of recommendation for whatever she wanted, confident in her abilities to pursue her dreams in any field.

A realtor friend of his found a shop with living quarters above it, like their current house, in a good part of town and for a decent price. After some renovations, it would be a dream bakery.

She could attend Gotham Academy for her Grade 12 credits and graduate in December, thanks to the way her French requirements translated to American credits.

It didn’t take the Dupain-Chengs long to pack up, sell the bakery, and fly to Gotham, New Jersey. Not a word was said to her former classmates. Only Chloe knew where Mari was, and she’d never tell. After her apology and joining of Mari’s squad, she was mostly ignored by the others. Chloe and Kagami were saddened to see their best friend leave, but knew a new environment would be more conducive to her healing and growth.

At least they had video calls and texts to keep in contact.

~~~

While the renovations were being completed, the Dupain-Cheng family shacked up at Jagged and Penny’s Gotham mansion. It was nowhere near as large as some of Gotham’s Old Elite family’s mansions, such as Wayne Manor or Drake Manor, but it was definitely sufficient for the five of them (six, counting Fang).

Mari had a lot of fun working with Jagged and Penny on his new album, both on songs and styling. She was recording background vocals for Jagged on a bonus track when her parents stopped by the built-in studio.

“Mari, you sound amazing, sweetie! I can’t wait to hear the rest of your songs! We’re going to the bakery to check on the renovations, and then have a lunch date; we should be back around two. We can bake your birthday cake with you then, if you want?”

“Sure, that sounds great. Have fun!” Mari hugged her parents quickly. “Oh, did you get the lemons for the peel garnish?”

“Oh, no, we didn’t. We’ll pick them up on our way home. Love you!”

“I love you too!”

Months later, she was glad those were the last words they shared.

“Marinette, honey?” 

She glanced up at Penny’s approach, flipping through a catalogue for inspiration for Jagged’s new suit. Why was Penny crying?

“There was a bank robbery. Your parents were helping some kids hide when…I’m so sorry, sweetie.”

Marinette didn’t want to believe it, but some intuition in her gut told her that Penny was telling the truth. She collapsed into her arms, weeping.

~~~

The next morning, Mari emerged early from her room. Though she knew she didn’t have to, she explained anyway. “I’m wearing red, not black, because it was their favourite colour on me, especially after they found out I was Ladybug. Penny, do you think it’s possible for me to have died yesterday as well? And then can I become legally emancipated? I was researching last night…this morning, I guess, and I think I’ve got things figured out. I just want you to check them to make sure they’re sound and y-you approve.”

She would not break down, dammit. She had a life figured out and she needed to follow it now.

Jagged started to speak but Penny cut him off with a warning glare. She’s coping…she’s used to bottling up her feelings…she just needs some time.

Penny took the papers and flipped through them. “This looks legally sound; you’ve put time and effort into planning this. You’re a strong, smart, talented young woman; I don’t know why you shouldn’t be emancipated.

“You do know we’d love to adopt you though, right?” Penny asked carefully. “If you’re worried about being a burden, please don’t be.”

“Yes, I know. I appreciate it, but…not now. I can’t.”

“We understand.” Penny patted her shoulder comfortingly. 

Jagged snapped out of his shock. “You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want, Mari! Pen’s right, we’d love to have you as our daughter officially, but in our hearts it doesn’t matter. We’ll sign anything you want.”

“Thanks, Aunt Penny, Uncle Jagged. I do have a few more papers for you to sign.” A thick file, carefully organized and colour-coded, slid along the breakfast table. Penny figured that Mari hadn’t slept all night; not that she could blame her. “Name change, legal emancipation, property transfer…” she flipped through the tabs. “Most of these we can get filed pretty quickly. Jagged’s friends with a judge here so we can probably get some things moving a bit quicker, too.”

“Great. Thank you.” Mari poured a mug of coffee, gulped it down in four sips, and poured another before leaving the room. Penny shivered, but figured if there was ever a time for overlooking something, it was now.

~~~

Thomas Dupain, Sabine Cheng, and Marinette Dupain-Cheng died on July 8th. On July 9th, Mara Stone was born. 

She bought the partially-renovated bakery and had it finished as a studio/sewing shop, with the top level furnished as MDC’s headquarters.

Mara decided that since she had a new name, future, and school, she’d change everything. Chloe, Kagami, and Penny (and sometimes even Jagged) went on shopping trips, helping her furnish her new living and working quarters and replenish her much-picked-over closet.

For a girl’s date, Kagami and Chloe dragged Mara to a spa, where she was transformed.

Her waist-length blue-black hair was chopped down to a stylish bob, the white-tipped ends just brushing her chin. Her bangs had grown out over the past couple months and now simply added layers to frame her face.

Her closet was now more befitting of a fashion designer, departing from her white, pink, and grey, and containing reds, blacks, blues, and a multitude of colours.

Courtesy of Chloe, she could now walk in heels without tripping, which, when heels became a staple in her wardrobe, added several inches to Mara’s stature.

Jagged and Penny often spent weekends driving to the beach for Marinette to practice swimming and attempt to face her fears from Syren. She was soon swimming like a duck and gained a nice tan for the first time in a while, a light spray of freckles blossoming over her cheeks and shoulders.

For the entire summer, Mara stayed away from anything Ladybug-related, beyond feeding the kwami.

But once the school year was just around the corner, she pulled out the Miracle Box from the depths of her closet. 

She wanted to rotate the kwami, so they could each have turns being out of the box. If the Bats let her, she wanted to join them on their patrols sometimes. Maybe they would introduce her to Wonder Woman, who could introduce her to Hippolyta. 

How to get their attention was the question…

Ideas filled her head as she walked home, her arms full of fabric to work on Jagged’s upcoming tour outfits, as well as hers and Penny’s– plus the spiffing up she wanted to achieve for her Gotham Academy uniform.

“Gimme yer money, lady.” A gun was shoved in her face from the dark alley. 

“Sorry, I spent it all on fabric,” she replied cheerily, nodding at the bolts in her arms, preparing to kick the robber’s gun hand.

Robin swooped down, punching the man into incapacitation.

Plan D it is!

“Oh monsieur, merci beaucoup! Vous m'avez sauvé la vie!” Mara gushed, playing the part of helpless, frightened tourist to perfection. Hugging a shocked Robin and air-kissing his cheeks, she slipped a tracker on his utility belt, underneath a compartment, where she hoped it wouldn’t be immediately found. 

“Ma’am, you shouldn’t be out alone so late.”

“Oui, oui,” she nodded shakily. “I was shopping and ah– how to say– lost the time,” she laughed self-deprecatingly, shrugging her shoulders. “Merci beaucoup.”

With a wave, she headed back in the direction she came from, just in case he decided to follow her. Luckily, he seemed to be called somewhere and left after watching her turn the corner to the more populated Diamond District. 

Once she was sure there was no tail on her, she ducked through the streets and back lanes until she reached Miracle Designs, her shop. She didn’t want to be known as MDC here yet. After she graduated and had time to handle large orders, then she planned to announce her identity.

Mara stored her fabrics on their appropriate shelves, locked up, and portalled back to her room in Stone Manor. Why all the Gotham Elite’s houses were [surname] Manor, she wasn’t sure, but she thought they deserved more creativity if they were going to go to the trouble of naming their houses.

After supper, she helped wash the dishes, then told Jagged and Penny she was transforming and going out for a bit.

Pulling out the receiver for her tracker, she saw that its last signal originated from a house just down the road…Wayne Manor.

Ha! She was right! 

She’d suspected the Waynes were the Bats for a while now. They had excuses, alibis, even Bruce Wayne and Batman in the same place at the same time. The public were convinced there was no way the Bats were the Waynes, except for a handful of hard-core conspiracy theorists.

But as someone who had a secret identity and access to magic, she knew how easy it was to create excuses and body doubles. If the Bats were really as smart as they seemed to be, it would be a piece of cake for them to keep their two personas separate. Especially if they had access to alien tech via the Justice League and were filthy rich, with access to elite tech and disguises.

Martian Manhunter was a shapeshifter, was he not? It would be easy enough for him to impersonate either Bruce or Batman, especially since he worked with the Bats. Trixx had done an excellent job of illusioning Marinette and Ladybug talking to each other before- it wasn’t that hard.

“Kaalki, voyage!”

Mare portalled into the Batcave, internally fangirling just a tiny bit. It is real!!!

She stepped around the corner, hands up. “I wish to speak to Batman.”

“How did you get in here?” Gotham’s Dark Knight asked, hand on a Batarang.

“I made a portal. Have you heard about Paris?” “What about it?”

Mare explained the situation from the past five years, ending with her retirement as Ladybug. By then the entire Batclan had gathered and were listening in shock at what had transpired, things they had no idea about.

“We never heard a word about that.”

“So, which…Miraculous are you using, and what’s your vigilante name?”

“The horse. It creates portals. My name is Mare.” Mara had specifically chosen Mare as her name, since it sounded similar to her civilian name and she could brush off an accidental reply to the wrong name.

“Let’s spar and see how you do,” grunted the Bat. “I’m not putting someone in danger under my mantle.”

Violent coughing sounded from the cluster of Bats behind him, which he ignored.

“You pass,” nodded Batman approvingly. 

Yes! All her training paid off!

“You can join us when you wish, as long as you give us a heads up. Oracle will give you a comm so you can connect to our channels so no mishaps occur.”

“Was that you or your Miraculous?” asked Robin. 

“My Miraculous suits protect my body and give me power-ups and magical abilities, but I have to call upon them to use them. My fighting skills are all me, Bird Boy.”

Robin’s jaw dropped. “Bird Boy?!”

Mara wondered if maybe she shouldn’t possibly insult her new coworkers and boss’s son(?) before she’d even officially joined the team, but her worry was allayed a moment later.

“You even screech like one!” cackled Red Hood, pointing at Robin derisively. The Bats quickly descended into anarchy.

It made a little ache appear in Mara’s heart and she absently rubbed at her chest. She missed her old friends and team at times like these, even if they’d outgrown each other long ago. “Voyage.” In the chaos, she escaped to her room, where she cried into a pillow.

~~~

Miracle Designs was decorated in creams and neutrals, with pops of colour dotted around, creating a rainbow for Mara to live and work in. The kwami had had a hand in decorating and deciding what things would look like, and now everyone was happy with their new living situation.

Gotham Academy was a twelve-minute walk from MD; a nice stroll most days. Penny had completed the enrollment signings and picked up her uniforms the week previous; now the only thing that remained was actually attending the academy.

Occupied with creating the Stones’ tour outfits, revamping her own wardrobe and uniforms, and adapting to life on her own, Mara was far too busy to accommodate commissions at that time. MDC’s website asked for her clients’ patience while she settled in North America, much to one Tim Drake-Wayne’s sadness.

~~~

Mara woke bright and early, having had a good sleep for a change. Still, she needed her coffee. On her first week in Gotham, she discovered a lovely coffee shop that sold an amazing blend of energy– Goth Bean, it was called.

She threw on her uniform and headed down the street to Goth Bean. Luckily, it was on her way to the Academy. She requested her usual order, the barista growing ever more concerned that there were two coffee zombies in this city (or as she called them, combies).

Mara Stone strolled into school unnoticed and slid into an empty seat in her first class. Picking a boy to attempt to befriend–he looked like he needed her coffee more than her– she turned to the tired boy she sat beside. “Macaron? I have some gluten-free ones, if you prefer. I’m Mara Stone, by the way.”

She’d cried all the night before as she made the macarons, the first and last year she made them alone before her first day of school.

“Thanks. Tim Drake.” He took one, sniffing it cautiously. “These smell as good as Alfred’s!”

“Is that a compliment?” she asked teasingly, handing him her coffee.

He looked at it, then her, perplexed.

She shrugged. “I drank half, but you look like you need the remainder more. Don’t worry, it’s not poisoned or whatever. Neither are the cookies, by the way.”

“Thanks.” He still looked at her suspiciously, but chugged the coffee anyway. “And yes, that’s a compliment. Alfred makes the best cookies…I think you should have a bake off. I can judge.”

Marinette snickered, ducking her head when the teacher entered the classroom.

Maybe she could make some new friends after all.

She found herself in classes with Tim all day, except for one period. Compared to Europe’s curriculum, the classes were a breeze (though they would’ve been harder if she hadn’t studied English until she was fluent in it.)

She noticed Tim also whipped through the work, completing most of the homework in class; it turned into a friendly competition. Although, noting the glint in Tim’s eye, she second-guessed the friendly part of the competition.

Their teachers noticed, groaned inwardly, and wondered what they’d done to deserve having Tim Drake in their class, together with the new student, and apparently in academic rivalry.

However, the new girl did keep the Wayne kid from taking over the classes somewhat, so maybe this wasn’t all bad…

The first half of their classes were spent doing the work and quietly heckling each other, the second half mocking the curriculum and planning ways to better teach the school (their hypothetical students would hate them unless they were also certified geniuses).

The other students found Mara nice, especially when she distributed cookies; she was also found terrifying, especially since she got along too well with Tim Drake!

The third day of school found the two coffee addicts pairing up to work on a project. 

“I’d offer to go to my house, but my brothers are…extreme. Can we go to yours, or somewhere like a coffee shop, instead?”

“Sure, my place is fine. Leave now?”

“Sounds good.”

They walked to MD, Mari taking him in the back way so that her designs wouldn’t be seen or disturbed. “This is me!” she said brightly, changing from her kitten heels to her house slippers.

“Nice place,” agreed Tim, looking around. “Is that- do you have two Keurigs?”

“Yep, I need them a lot. Do you want some of my magical energy brew? You look a bit sleepy.”

“Sure; what’s in it?”

“Trade secret,” she winked. “Want to spead the work on the table over there while I make it?”

“Sure. What were you thinking for the format?”

“Wow, this is a magic energy boost! I love coffee,” sighed Tim.

“Thanks, I added a little extra just for you.” It’ll help keep you safer.

~~~

“Whatcha lookin’ at, Timmers?” Jason flopped over his chair, twisting unnaturally to see the screen.

“Move, Jason. You’re heavy. I’m looking up a classmate; she’s new and I need to confirm she isn’t a threat.”

“Boring.” Jason left to find Dick to bug.

[ Mara Stone

07/09/2006 (17)

AFAB

College Francois Dupont  Paris, France

GPA: 4.0

Class President (Raised $30,000 USD via various fundraisers and events)

Note: Parents recently deceased; legally emancipated ]

Hmm…interesting.

~~~

“Hey, Mara. You finished the project?” Tim slid into “his” seat beside her, sliding a to-go cup from Goth Bean across the desk.

“Yep, you?” She gulped the cup in twenty seconds, impressing and worrying Tim.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course! Why not? I was just up late working on some art.”

“Uh huh. Late being another definition of all night?”

“Like you’re one to talk,” she sniffed. “I do it all the time; I’m fine.”

“What type of art?” TIm ignored the truth Mara pointed out.

“An outfit for my uncle. I design clothes for him and my aunt sometimes.”

“Oh cool. So you’re into fashion?”

“Yep. I like to design and make clothes. My ex-friend was a model for his dad actually; it’s kind of funny. I guess birds of a feather flock together.”

Tim looked at her, then back at the board. “Who’s your favourite designer? Mine’s MDC– I dunno if you’ve heard of them– they’re still pretty niche, but they put so much attention to detail into their works. I’ve been trying to commission them forever but they haven’t been open in ages,” he moaned into the desk, missing Mara’s double take and choke on her coffee.

“I don’t have a favourite designer currently, but I do agree with you MDC has some nice work.”

“Nice work? I’m offended on behalf of MDC. They put so much work into all their designs!”

Mara sunk into her seat more and more as Tim defended her alter ego to her face.

Tim’s mental file on Mara gained several more notes.

[ Name: Mara Stone

Age: 17

Birthday: 07/09/2006

Birthplace: Paris, France

Notes: 

Caffeine addict (Insomniac)

Legally emancipated

Ex-friend is a model

Ex-friend’s family is into fashion

Has bad blood with exes

Is into fashion

Is indifferent to MDC! ]

~~~

[violetwinterwidow01]

Civil War: Cevyn's Idea (AU)

°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°☆°

After Secretary Ross leaves, Cevyn is the first out of the conference room and makes her way to the kitchen to find some Advil. While everyone walks into the living room arguing, she listens closely to see where her fate lies. When it gets quiet, she looks up from daydreaming, to see all eyes on her.

Cevyn: What?

Natasha: What's up with you? You've been out of it since you got here, and your eyes are glowing purple.

Cevyn: They tend to do that when I'm irritated, but I'm calming down.

Steve: What are you irritated about?

Cevyn: The fact that all of you are gonna be up "Shit's Creek" if you go through with this.

Vision steps in to give his point of view, but then they start arguing again. Finally, Tony pulls Cevyn from her thoughts.

Tony: Cev?

Cevyn: Hmm?

Tony: What do you think?

She takes a minute to decide.

Cevyn: I agree to disagree

Rhodey: Meaning...

Cevyn: I concur with both sides. But I also have the best solution to this horrific problem.

Natasha: We're all ears.

Cevyn: We retire. I mean, that was one of the options.

Steve: Cev, we can't just leave.

Cevyn: Can't or don't want to? I thought we were adults. Picture it.

Wanda, and Vision, can finally be together. Tony can start his family with Pepper. Rhodey can continue working for the asshats called the government, although I think you should step back and take a break. Cap can find his best friend and help him adapt to the new world. And Nat, and Sam can finally do what they've been meaning to do.

Natasha and Sam stare at her wide-eyed. She's referring to their families.

Cevyn: Don't look at me crazy, I know. I didn't mean to snoop around but I did and I know everything.

They nod. She walks over to Tony, and gives him a side hug. He kisses her temple and holds on to her.

Vision: That all sounds wonderful, but where does that leave you?

Cevyn smiles happily.

Cevyn: On a private island I bought 6 years ago, off the coast of Brazil.

Tony: How did you afford an island?

Cevyn: Remember that lump sum you gave me, and you said to use it wisely?

He thinks back. And then it dawns on him. They share a smile.

Tony: You invested it.

She nods.

Cevyn: I can see all of us now, living our lives the way we were meant to be. To be honest, I am truly sorry my grandfather walked into your life. But had he not, we would've never become a family. All I ask is that we stay in touch. Call, text, email, write a letter, visit, send a frickin' carrier pigeon for all I care.

They chuckle.

Cevyn: Just check in. Let the government fend for their goddamn selves, and maybe one day they'll realize they do need us. For now let's teach them a lesson, and move on. That way, what my foresight showed me, won't happen.

Sam: What did it show you?

She hesitates to say looking around the room.

Cevyn: That... we were all gonna split up. That there would be hell to pay.

Tony squeezes her shoulder, letting her know it's okay. Everyone looks around the room.

Cevyn: Enough of that, how about I make this deal even sweeter? My island is big enough to be its city. You all are welcome to build your life there. You'll just have to learn another language. I just want you to think about it, and when you’re ready,

She turns and points at Tony.

Cevyn: You know where to find me. I love you guys.

With that they murmur "Love you's" and watches as she walks away. Before she get to the elevator she stops dead in her tracks. She turns around to look at Steve.

Cevyn: Steve...

Although her voice was just below a whisper, he heard her.

Steve: Yeah, Cev?

She stares at him, while he gives her a confused, worried look. Everyone turns toward her seeing her face in shock. Wanda and Vision walk over to her.

Vision: Cevyn, dear? Are you alright?

She shakes her head no, with tears stinging her eyes, and uses her telepathy to tell Steve to check his phone. On cue, he reads the text and stands up to leave.

Steve: I have to go.

Her precognition told her that Peggy had passed away before he received the message.

Wanda looks inside her head and hugs her tightly. She pulls back and cups her face.

Wanda: Go be with him. He needs you.

Cevyn nods and goes after Steve. She finds him at the bottom of the steps, on the brink of tears. She slowly walks down to him, tears uncontrollably rolling down her face, and puts a hand on his shoulder. He grabs her into a hug and holds her tight. She speaks in between sobs.

Cevyn: Steve, listen to me. She's in a better place. She's not suffering anymore.

He nods and silently breaks down, falling to his knees with Cevyn still in his arms.

PART 2???

[assbutt-writes]

A Heart Of Iron Chapter 31

Chapter below cut

Loki

In the 3 months without Tony, Loki had left his room 5 times. Once to go to Valhalla to try and get him back, once to try and interact with the others (that one went so badly that he just slept through the next few days), and 3 times to get more beer. The floor was littered with all of the empty beer cans and he was pretty sure that he looked like shit, but he didn't care. After all, Tony was gone, so why should he?

Steve kept knocking at his door, but Loki ignored him. During the first few days, the others kept blowing up his phone with texts and calls, but when it died, he "forgot" to charge it. After 1 month, Steve had thought he had died and barged in to check on him, finding Loki drunk-talking to an illusion of Tony, either not noticing or not caring that Steve had just entered the room. Steve had quietly backed out, and no one had entered the room since then.

Loki spent most of those months drunk, and, during some of his more sober moments, Loki had JARVIS give him updates on the other Avengers so that he could write letters to Tony. In doing this, he learned that Bucky had woken up, not remembering anything after he fell off of the train, his brain still stuck in 1945. Steve had to tell him that his sister Becca had died of old age 4 years ago. Bucky's reaction had sent Loki into another spiral, the reminder of the fact that Tony was gone too much to bear. The next thing he remembered, he was waking up in another hospital bed, Natasha standing over him, a worried look on her face.

"Loki, what the fuck? I know you know that drinking yourself to death isn't helping you at all, so why the fuck are you doing it? I mean, you do know that-" Natasha lectured, and Loki cut her off.

"That Tony wouldn't have wanted this? Yeah, well, Tony's gone, so he doesn't really get a say," Loki said bitterly. "And who are you to tell me what to do with my life? Last I checked we weren't friends, and the only reason that we even kept talking to each other was Tony, and he's not here anymore, so I don't really get why you care."

"I care about you because I know what you're going through. I've been brainwashed into doing horrible things against my will, I've lost everyone I've ever cared about, and I've-" Natasha said softly, and Loki got even more upset.

"Have you watched the only two people you've ever loved go in front of you in the exact same way and not been able to do anything about it? Have you had some mystical force try to warn you about it but you ignored it and made the one you loved leave? Have you had someone trust you with their life and fail them? Because I have," Loki said forcefully, and Natasha backed away.

"I didn't know. I'm sorr-'' Natasha started before realizing something. "Wait. You knew what was going to happen to Tony? Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I thought it was just a vision of an alternate universe. I didn't know that it could come true here too," Loki explained defensively. "I was going into Tony's mind to heal him after the vision that almost killed him, and the stone showed me an alternate universe where we were soulmates and Thanos stabbed him and threw him off of the bridge. I didn't think it was important because it was pretty damn obvious that it wasn't this universe, because me and Tony aren't soulmates here."

Natasha stepped back slightly, and Loki realized belatedly that that came out a little more forceful than he meant it to. Oh, well. She was already going to be pissed at him for letting Tony leave, so what's one more reason to hate him?

"Oh," she said quietly, and then her face melted into a look of concern. "You do know that it's not your fault, right? Maybe you should've told someone about the vision, but, as you said, it didn't seem important. It's not your fault that you didn't know."

"No. Every other fucking vision had a purpose, and this one was an entire life story! I should've known, and I should've fucking told someone!" Loki said, volume building until he was practically yelling. He couldn't see how someone could honestly think that Tony being gone wasn't his fault, because, honestly, he always manages to either hurt the ones he loves or get them to leave forever. "You don't understand. There is no fucking way you could ever understand. If all you're going to do here is tell me lies to try to make me feel better, it's not working, so you can go."

Natasha looked at him with a look that he knew meant that she felt bad for him, and honestly, that just made him feel worse. He didn't need pity, or false reassurances, or to "move on". He just needed Tony.

[nogenderbee]

Hihi! Can I rqs tsukasa a, i, m, w from fluff alphabet?

Also, do you take anons? if u do can i be ☁️ anon you seem so lovely dhsadjsa

Hiii! Of course you can request <3 Thank you so much and I don't know if you saw this post but I do take anons! So welcome ☁️ anon to my page and I hope you enjoy your staying here ^^ (also I created your tag hehe)

Tsukasa A, I, M, W fluff alphabet

⊱ Admirer ═ What if they would be secret admirer? How would they act around their crush? And what will they do for them?

Tsukasa isn't type of person to be shy but with you he just can't face you without blushing and tripping over his words! He knows because he's been in this state when he was just preparing himself to talk to you and at the end he couldn't even look at you or say "hi", so he decided to work other way.

Tsukasa isn't the best at writing letters so instead he buy you some sweets and attaches a little note saying that it's from "secret admirer -T" and he leaves those at your desk when no one is around, he even comes to school at the earliest hours just so he can make sure she won't be noticed. Sure he can ask one of his friends to give them to you but he really don't have anyone he could ask for it, because Nene will definitely say no and Rui will just tease him to his death.

Tsukasa doesn't know what more he can do for you except sweets... he's not that good with school work so he doesn't want you to have problems, so he keeps giving you sweets and sometimes he even bakes some cakes or cookies for you, and will ALWAYS mention it in his tiny notes.

"A star should be able to tell their lover how they feel... but I might as well make this confession big later!"

⊱ I love you ═ How long did it took them to say those 3 words for the first time? And how often do they like to say it?

Tsukasa while confessing instead of saying "I love you" said some cheesy lines that he maybe even took out of his script. But he only realised that he never said "I love you" to you when either Saki asks him about it or Rui starts teasing him, and once Tsukasa does realize it, it's the moment he starts panicking and starts to think how star like him can make those 3 special words even more special! But when he does plan super romantic date and wants to play off confidently, he's actually a blushing mess trying to say simple "I love you", but once you try to make it easy on him and say it yourself, he stops you so you just stand there and wait good 5 minutes for him to finally say it.

After emberassing first time saying those magic words, Tsukasa starts liking them, not only receiving but also giving them to you! So it doesn't take long untill he says it every day at least 10 times. And when you have cuddle session or private date or if he's just sleepy, you will hear it only more often! Whenever he's cuddled into you or you're cuddled into him and he suddenly starts spoiling you with "I love you"s, you heart can just melt on spot! Tease him about it later and he'll be flustered tho.

"I love you, YN. I love you so much. Please never forget it. I love you, I love you, I love you..."

⊱ Mail ═ How often do they text or call their lover? And why they do so?

Tsukasa is the type of person to text you all the time when he can't see you. You just waked up or about to fall asleep? You have a text from you boyfriend wishing you good day/sleep! You go to different schools? He texts you every break. He has a performence? He texts you every time he's on backstage. But Tsukasa also knows that this many messages can be too much sometimes so if you tell him to slow down with the, he will try, but at the same time he just wants to make sure that you're always happy and safe.

Tsukasa writes you this often because he's scared that there will be one time when you're away from him and something will happen to you, but mostly he does it because he misses you! And he doesn't want you to feel like he don't care about you so he does his best to prove every day that he does care about you a lot!

" 'Hey, how are you doing? I just have longer break on backstage.' Now I just wai- alright! Alright! One second, let me send them one last message! 'I'll be back later, Rui is scolding me. Stay safe!' "

⊱ Wedding ═ How do they want their wedding to look like?

Tsukasa didn't really thought about your wedding yet, you two are still young after all! But after one show of his when they included wedding he started thinking about your relationship and realised that you're dating for more than year! And that's when he started imagining his wedding with you, and he didn't even realised it untill Rui made him wake up from daydreaming just so he can tease Tsukasa about his blushing face...

But Tsukasa came to conclusion that classic wedding wouldn't suit a star like him! So at first he thinks of wedding at the stage but quickly realizes that it doesn't fit such a special occasion. So he later on decided that he would like his wedding to be anywhere that can be decorated and has a lot of lights! He want's this place to shine especially on his wedding. But he will be a little embarrassed about admiting to you that he already has plans for you wedding.

"Did I though about our wedding? We're still young hahah...! But... I do have couple of ideas..."

❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉

[iambellarose1816]

In Another Life I Would Have Really Liked Just Doing Laundry And Taxes With You

@helsa-valentines-day

She watches him, hoping to finally confess her feelings to him. She fell for her best friend and she couldn't wait any longer than to tell him how she feels.

Elsa is about to walk towards him, but stops when she sees him smiling at a black haired beauty who steals a kiss from him.

Shocked, she runs away. As she walks home she lets her tears fall, not caring who's watching her. She lost her chance at love. The one love she was deprived of.

He came to her house the next day in hopes to ask what had happened to her yesterday when they met to watch the new Aquaman movie together.

"I waited so long for you." He mutters as he hugs her close. She enjoys his warm embrace and breathes him in. "I'm sorry, something came up and I had to rush back home." Hans nods and kisses her head.

"I completely understand." He says against her head. He pulls away from her and smiles. "Can we meet up this weekend?" She nods and watches him leave.

She texts him few days later, but he never replies. She wonders what had happened to him so she calls him, but a woman answers. "Hello?" She cuts the call and tears threaten to fall. She wipes them away and sighs.

It's the weekend and Hans comes by to see her. He hands her an invitation of some sort and she furrows her brows. "What's this?" She asks.

"Open it." She obeys and her smile drops. It's a wedding invitation. His wedding. "You aren't happy?" He asks. She looks up at him and smiles. "I am, I'm just surprised." Hans chuckles.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was dating someone or getting married earlier." Elsa shakes her head and smiles. "It's okay."

Once he leaves she cries hard. Harder than she ever has. She truly lost him. He was getting married to Isabela Madrigal. She knew her. Knew her all too well.

That girl was always around him and Elsa hated her for it. It seems she finally got the man she was pining after. At that moment Elsa said she wasn't going to the wedding.

She decided to just write a letter for Hans and hopes he reads it.

♡♡♡♡

Hans had hoped to see his best friend at the wedding, but he couldn't find her. He was now sitting with his wife and opening gifts. "Honey, this one is a letter addressed to you." Hans took the letter carefully from Isabela and looked at it.

A snowflake was drawn on it and he knew exactly who that was. He opened the letter and sighed heavily.

To Hansome :)

You know who this is just by the snowflake I drew. I'm sorry I couldn't come to your wedding. I didn't have it in me to.

If I had come to your wedding it would have been more of a funeral to me. After all I would be mourning my feelings for you.

Watching you marry Isabela would have hurt way more than looking at the wedding invitation. I hope you can forgive me.

In another life I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.

If only you could see the love I had for you in my eyes, but it's too late now. You are married. Congratulations, Hans.

Don't bother to look for me because I've already left the country and I don't think I'll be coming back.

I just want to thank you for all the times you spend with me and made me feel free. Just know even though you are married, I'll always love you.

I love you, Hans Westergaard.

Love

Elsa ♡

He has tears in his eyes as he finishes the letter. Isabela had left the living room when he started the letter which is a relief.

"I should have seen it. I should have known." He mutters, tears continue to fall.

"I'm such a fool." He says.

He turns to look out the window and he sobs. "I love you, Elsa. It should have been you I married, but I was too blind to see anything. To see the love you had for me."

He cries silently, wishing Elsa would appear in front of him. He wants her back, but it's too late. She was never coming back.

He regrets his decision of marrying Isabela. He regrets hurting Elsa. "I love you, Elsa. I love you." He whispers.

He wishes he could turn back the clock. Wishes he could have told Elsa how he felt. If only he could.

If only.

[ravs6709]

Letters From The Heart (They Spell Out Love)- Marelliana

Word count: 4.7k words

to avery @skylilac !!! your late birthday gift is finally here!!! and also now the last of these bday fics is done! marelliana pining angst... iove letters... (also minor keefitz)

warnings: swearing

enjoy!!!!

•~•~•~•~•~•

It was no secret that Biana liked Keefe. It was as clear as day. The longing stares that contained awestruck eyes, the truth or dare that ended in a near-kiss. It'd been the case for years, so really, Marella should have known better, but, she couldn't help but fall for Biana anyways.

Whenever it was just the two of them hanging out together, she could live in her own delusions. But of course, fantasies couldn't last forever.

It was during English class, when their poetry assignment had been returned.

"What'd you get, Marella?" Biana asked, putting her own paper on Marella's desk. High eighties, a good mark.

Marella herself had always been average at English, but she proudly took out her paper that had been marked with a 98.

"Oh, damn," Biana said, "can I read it?"

She let her read it, taking a delight at the impressed smile that graced her face.

"I didn't realize you were so good at poetry," Biana remarked.

I wanted to be good at poetry so I could write letters to you, Marella very carefully did not say. I wanted to be able to put my feelings to words, she also didn't say.

Instead, she said, "It was a recent hobby."

Biana looked at her with a complicated expression that she couldn't decipher.

And she wouldn't be able to figure out why until later that evening, while they hung out in Biana's room.

"Marella," Biana said, looking at her with a serious expression. "I want you to help me write a love letter to Keefe."

They'd had never had the best friendship, they'd gotten off to a rocky start, making petty jabs and insults, and when they got along it didn't take long before one of them would say something to let them drift apart.

But no matter what they'd say to each other, they'd always come right back to each other, they'd never truly leave the other's orbit.

After all of those years they've known each other, at this moment, all Marella could think was, you have never hurt me more than you have now.

She shook off the thought. Obviously it wasn't intentional, and obviously she didn't even know. Still, it doesn't hurt any less.

Any delusions that she'd had were shattered like glass. Biana wasn't in love with her. She probably never would.

"Marella? You don't have to if you don't want-"

"I'll help you with it." The words escaped from her own mouth before her brain could even think.

Biana's face brightened. "Thank you! I'll do as much as I can, I don't want it to feel disingenuous, and I'll even pay you for it if you want-"

"You don't need to pay me."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm your friend," Marella told her, "I can do this for you."

Refuse to do this, it wouldn't be too hard. Aren't you the one who usually ends up having to be the one to give in, to suck in your pride? a traitorous part of her brain told her. Why do this to yourself? You'll only get yourself more hurt.

Marella held back a sigh. I love her too much.

Biana pulled her in for a hug, and her damned heart beat rapidly in her chest as she tentatively returned the embrace.

"I'll start writing it later tonight, I guess," Biana said, pulling away. "I'll text you when I share the doc with you."

"Alright," Marella said with a nod of her head. She probably just got rid of her last chance of backing out of this.

•~•~•~•~•~•

-- I shared the doc with you! Biana texted.

"Dear Keefe Sencen,

From the very moment I met you, I've fallen in love with you. Not just for your looks (though I can admit it definitely doesn't hurt), but your fun personality, for the jokes that I hear that bring a smile to my face. For your  presence which  lights up the room whenever you walk in. I just couldn't help but fall for you. Maybe I'm a  coward, for  not being able to tell you this straight , but I wanted you to know.

Love, Biana "

-- for someone who reads and watches so many romantic dramas, youre surprisingly shit at love letters, Marella texted.

-- What's wrong with this?

-- not charming enough

-- too forward

-- want something that captures attention. have an air of mystery

" Dear Keefe,

I'm  sure you get letters  like these  all the time. Maybe to you, this piece of paper will be  like all  the rest. But to me, this mere  piece  of paper holds my heart and soul.

I'm  a fan of yours.  I have  been, for many years. From the moment you walked into my world,  it's  been lit up in a kaleidoscope of  colours . I  can't  help it , my  heart is drawn to you,  I can't  stop myself from looking your way, seeking out  your  smiles, listening to your jokes.

You're as warm as sunshine. Your presence is blinding,  I'm  captivated. And like the sun, you're so high up in  the sky , it  feels as if  you're  unreachable.  I'm  too  much  of a coward to  tell you  all this in person,  I'm  much too  afraid to  come too close. All I can do is bask in your radiance, and  hope  that this letter might mean  something to you , even just a little.

From one  letter alone , I don't expect  you to  make a decision, or to even  fall in  love immediately. But if you'll allow me,  I'll  offer you my heart, again and again, until you are sure  that you  can make your choice, whether it's to accept me, or reject me.

If you should wish to write  back  to me, in the back of the field is a tree. On that tree is a piece of flaky bark, and underneath is a little cranny large enough to fit a letter. Deliver it before 3:30 pm, and every day,  I'll  check there. Any letters I write  I'll  slip into your locker at 8:30 am, so I request that you please do not try and uncover my identity.

Your greatest fan, Anonymous"

-- Isn't this also extremely forward?

-- You took out my name? Why? And also this was... more than I was expecting

-- I thought it'd just be one letter

-- you think hed fall in love with one letter???

-- dont be naive

-- its not a romantic drama

-- the anon is to prevent any bias

-- if hes gonna fall in love it needs to be done right

-- trust me

-- I guess. It makes sense

-- Thank you Marella. Ilysm

Marella smiled despite herself. She had Biana's love in this way, it was fine.

-- ilyt

•~•~•~•~•~•

"Huh?" Keefe asked as he opened his locker.

"What's that?" Fitz asked, pointing at the envelope.

Marella snuck a glance at Biana, who was standing on her toes, fidgeting with her fingers.

She elbowed her. "You're being too obvious," she hissed.

"Is that a love letter?" Tam asked. "For you?"

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean? Who can resist the Keefester?"

"I can," both Marella and Tam both said in unison, and then they smiled at each other and high-fived.

"Uh-"

"You sound very cringe when you call yourself that," Sophie said, a hand over her mouth.

"Foster!"

"Are you..." Fitz said, "are you going to read it?"

"It'll be rude if I didn't. I'm wondering if I should read it now or at home."

Before Biana could do something like get more nervous and give herself away, Marella replied, "Read it here. In a hallway with no one else, and we'll be quiet and respectful towards whoever wrote the letter."

As they settled down and began eating in one of the school's hallways, Keefe took out the letter from the envelope. He read it out loud as everyone else stayed silent.

"So..." Fitz began once Keefe finished reading, his voice slightly off, "what are you going to say?"

"It's quite the heartfelt letter," Keefe said, "I like that they're willing to respect any boundaries that I might set."

"Are you going to write back?" Biana asked, eyes shining.

"I think I will. What do you think, Fitzy? Should I write back and see what this person is like?"

"It's... your love letter. Do what you want."

"I think I'd like to see how it goes. Who knows, maybe I'll fall in love with the person who wrote the letters."

Marella felt her heart writhe, her nails digging into her palm. She never actually got the vibe that Keefe had a crush on Biana.

Who could resist her? Of course he'll fall in love. That was the whole point of this.

•~•~•~•~•~•

It was decided that Marella would send and collect any letters, just in case anything happened. She knew a lot if people, and even more of the gossip, so it wouldn't be unreasonable if someone had asked her to help out. And unlike Biana, Marella was very good at lying.

At Biana's place, they opened up Keefe's reply letter.

"Dear Anonymous,

You're right, I have gotten a few love letters. But none quite like the one you've given me. It read as very sincere and heartfelt, and I like that.

To have your heart offered to me like this, to trust that I'll either treasure it or return it to you back safely, it's an honor. I'll continue writing to you, I hope to get to know you a little better.

Sincerely, Keefe"

"Damn, he can be really eloquent when he wants to," Marella said with an impressed whistle. "A shame that he ends up talking the way he does."

"Hey, it's charming," Biana defended. "Besides, you're the same. I've never seen you write the way you did."

"You also have barely seen the way I write in general."

"That's true, I guess."

•~•~•~•~•~•

Marella read Biana's next reply, this time, on paper, since they were with each other.

"Oh my god, you're so lucky you have me here to fix this."

Biana made a half irritated pout, one that Marella had to admit looked really cute. "What's wrong with it?"

"The stuff you say is fine, but the tone, the tone is just lacking," Marella said, crossing out some words in favour of some better synonyms. "Did you just pick words out of a thesaurus?"

She huffed. "And reuse basic vocabulary?"

"You're going overboard. You've gotta write like you're actually in love."

"Are you in love, that you can do that?"

Fuck. She walked right into that one.

It seemed that she didn't mask her panic fast enough, because Biana noticed.

"Wait, Marella. You're in love? And you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't think I needed to," Marella said, and even she knew that it sounded way too snappy.

"We're best friends, Marella," Biana said, taking a hold of her hand. "You let me talk about Keefe, what about you and your crush?"

"It's unrequited," she said, hoping Biana would then drop it.

"Oh. Seriously? Are you sure?"

"The person I love is in love with someone else."

"Who wouldn't fall for you?" Biana asked, looking at her with a strange expression.

Marella clenched her jaw at the irony of such a question. You. You wouldn't fall for me.

"So, who is it? Is it someone I know?"

Hesitantly, Marella nodded. After a few seconds, she sighed. "Let me fix your letter."

"Dear Keefe,

Words cannot explain how happy it makes me to know that at the very least,  you're  willing to give me a chance. My heart will be safe in your hands, I know it will."

Marella paused, eyes wandering to Biana for a moment.

"I feel as if for the first time, I might be able to stand level to you. That maybe,  you're  not so unreachable. It's so warm by you, I  can't  stop myself from drifting closer and closer. Maybe, by the end of this, you'll be within arm's reach.

There's so much  I want to say  to you, but I  don't  know  how  to say everything it is that I feel. But  maybe , we should go slow about this, until I can finally figure out just  exactly  what to say.

You like art, and from  what I've  seen, the art  you've  made is breathtaking. I make little crafts on occasion, maybe  I'll  make you something."

"What are you doing?" Biana asked.

"Helping you woo him? Who doesn't like gifts? Besides, it doesn't have to be much, just a little bracelet. I know you love making them."

Marella would know, she was wearing one of the bracelets that Biana had made at the very moment.

"Would he wear it?"

"Probably."

"If I ever make you a bracelet, I hope you'll like it.

Love, Anonymous"

•~•~•~•~•~•

"What is that?" Fitz asked.

Keefe held up his arm proudly, a bracelet made up of colourful beads on his arm. Marella hated just how easily this was working. "My secret admirer made it for me!"

"And you're wearing it?"

"Why not? It's really pretty!"

Fitz's voice was slightly off again, but once more, Marella couldn't pick up on what was off. Marella looked towards Biana, who was giving Keefe incredibly obvious heart-eyes.

"I'll go make sure our eating spot isn't taken," Linh said, taking Biana by the arm as they started chatting away.

The others followed, and Marella turned to follow.

"Hey, Marella," Keefe called out.

She turned around to face him, and Fitz was also there too.

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about the secret admirer, would you?"

She forced on a grin. "Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

"Of course, of course," he said casually.

"Do you... want to meet this person?" Fitz asked.

"It'd be nice to meet them, whenever they're ready. My heart is quite moved by the letters I've been receiving."

•~•~•~•~•~•

Even though Marella would read through Keefe's replies with Biana, she couldn't stop herself from trying to catch him whenever he was writing back. She needed to know. That love-struck expression, was it on his face whenever he was writing?

Sometimes, Biana would slip the unedited copy of her letter in Marella's locker, because she said that handwriting made it easier to think.

Biana and Marella actually hung out more than ever because of this whole thing, Biana seemed insistent on trying to write the letters herself, despite Marella telling her that she'd be able to do it better.

"If you had to write a love letter to your crush, how would you write it?"

"The things I helped write to Keefe, many of them are my genuine feelings. My crush is unreachable, I long to see them smile at me, I want to be the reason why they're happy. All sappy stuff."

"You say your crush is unrequited, but how come you won't tell me who it is? It's someone I know, you confirmed that much."

"Don't feel like saying, that's all," Marella said casually.

"I haven't even seen you flirt much lately," Biana pointed out. "This person, are they a serious crush?"

"Head over heels."

"How long have you had this crush?"

"A long time," Marella admitted. "But I only realized it recently."

"I hope this person gets to realize how much they mean to you. You're really fun to be around, they're missing out."

•~•~•~•~•~•

"The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that you know the identity of my admirer," Keefe said to her, later.

"And why would you say that?"

He shrugged. "Just a feeling."

The two of them were walking through the hallway together, and she expected him to say more since he seemed so enthusiastic, but instead he kept his mouth shut, humming under his breath.

They passed by Fitz and Biana, and it was only then that Keefe spoke up again.

"Ah, can't get the idea that I have such wonderful admirer after my heart," he said, grinning. He leaned over, using her as an arm rest—damn his tall genes. "I wonder what I should write this time."

Marella was honestly just willing to let him do his thing, but Biana's weighted look at them had her shoving his arm off.

•~•~•~•~•~•

"Dear Bia—"

Marella sighed, scratching out the name. Biana's desk was right beside hers, she couldn't risk something like that.

" You're in my mind, more often than not. It drives me crazy, but I like it. I like being crazy  for you . Just being near you, just being able to see you has my heart racing, it's exhilarating.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop hiding, and just tell you  my  feelings, consequences be damned. To tell you that you're the most beaitiful person I've ever seen. To hold you close in my embrace, to run my hand through your hair, I want to have a life  filled  with soft moments with you.

What do I do? What do I say to make you look my way, even though I'm so close to you—"

"Marella?"

Her heart leapt, and she scrunched the paper in a ball, pulling it toward herself.

"Class is over—what's in your hand?"

Marella glanced up at the clock, and shit, class really was over, had she been doing this for fifteen minutes now?

"Helping you," she said confidently.

Maybe too confidently, because Biana raised an eyebrow. "You looked lovestruck. That wasn't for my sake."

She sighed. "Fine. Yeah. It wasn't."

"Can I read it?"

"No," she said, trying very very hard to not sound defensive. "It's too raw."

She grabbed her backpack from off the floor and shoved the crumpled ball of paper in. She ignored Biana's stare and instead walked with her out of the classroom and to their next class.

•~•~•~•~•~•

"Hey, Marella, let me do it this time."

Marella briefly glanced over the words that Biana had written down this time.

"You still need my help."

"Am I not doing better?"

Marella reread the words again. "You are." She really was. Biana was quick to learn. "Still, it's not enough."

It's easier for me, if  I  do this. Anyone would fall for you if they received a letter like the one you just wrote.

"I have to be able to do them on my own at some point, I think you know that. Why are you so insistent on writing all of them for me?" Biana asked.

"This is for your sake."

"They're my letters. I can't deceive him forever and use your words. I want him to fall for me, not you."

Before Marella could laugh at the idea that Keefe would fall for her, Biana continued on.

"You enjoy writing letters to Keefe, don't you?"

Marella blinked. "Wha—"

"That's it, isn't it? You're in love with him, right? You said your crush is someone you know, and I saw a little bit from when you were writing that letter. You want him to look your way, even though he's so close to you."

"Wait wait wait," Marella said, taking in a breath to calm down the irritated feeling that was building up in her chest, only for it to grow more. "You think I'm in love with him."

"I've seen the look on your face. Maybe you started this for my sake, but I know you're only continuing to be selfish."

She'd been trying to keep the irritation together, but she snapped, and irritation turned to anger. "Are you kidding me? Are you actually fucking kidding me? I took my time go help you out and this is what you have to say to me?"

You're right! I'm being selfish! She wanted to say, almost manically.

Marella picked up her backpack from the bedroom floor and turned to leave.

Biana caught her arm. "Explain, then!"

You, damn it!  I'm  in love with you!

"I don't owe you anything," she said with gritted teeth. "I am done. Don't talk to me."

"Marella—"

She wrenched her arm out of Biana's grip, and left the house. She practically stomped her way home, because what the hell was that? Did Biana seriously think she'd jeopardize everything over a guy?

She just couldn't believe this. They had their fights, but this? This was just nonsense, and the fact that Biana believed it for even a second...

She wasn't going to go crawling back to Biana.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Biana had sent a few messages, but Marella wasn't having it, so she blocked her. She sat with the friend group at lunch, meaning that she still did have to see Biana's face every day, feel Biana's stare on her every day. The others probably noticed that something was wrong between them seeing that they weren't talking, but Keefe's questioning gaze on hers was the most obvious.

A few days later, Marella opened her locker and found an envelope. A familiar patterned one that she knew Biana owned.

She had the urge to open it, to read it, but really, what was she going to see? All that would ever be contained inside those letters would be Biana's words to Keefe.

What did Biana think she was doing, giving her another letter to read? Marella held the envelope in her hands, ready to just tear it apart, but instead, she shoved it in her bag.

•~•~•~•~•~•

The letters persisted. Day after day, no matter how many times Marella kept shoving them in her backpack without reading them.

How many letters were Biana going to write? The pile on her desk at home was growing larger, almost concerningly. She wasn't going to read any of them though. Biana had crossed a line.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Marella was walking down the halls and into the stairwell to get to her next class, when she saw Keefe. She only saw the back of him, only saw a brown hand tangled in his blond hair. She couldn't see the other body, hidden behind the stairs, but that position was obvious.

Keefe was kissing someone. And it was pretty obvious who it was.

They were so absorbed in it too, that they didn't even notice that she'd opened the door. Or that she was climbing up the stairs.

Wasn't this what you expected to happen? Of course it'd turn out this way. Who'd reject her?

"Keefe," a voice whispered, echoing in the stairwell, and what the hell, that wasn't Biana's voice—

"Yeah yeah, I know, you gotta get to class," Keefe said with mock irritation.

Marella looked down from the railing above as Keefe came out of the little alcove behind the stairs.

—and then Fitz followed.

Marella practically ran to her next class.

Unfortunately, Biana was in this class with her, sitting in front of Marella.

Keefe kissed Fitz. Had feelings for Fitz.

Did Biana know? Was she heartbroken?

Then she fought off those questions. Doesn't matter. We're not friends anymore.

•~•~•~•~•~•

The letters still kept coming. Whenever she looked to Biana, she would've thought that she'd continue to send those longing glances towards Keefe, but Biana was never looking at him every time she'd looked.

No. Biana was looking at her. Every time.

Almost as if Biana had moved on from Keefe already.

Why are you looking at me like that? Are you  just  gonna sit there and stay silent?

When the next letter came, she wasn't sure why, but Marella opened the envelope, holding the paper in her hands.

"Dear Marella Redek,

I know you  won't  read this, like I know you  haven't  read the rest. You said for me to not talk to you, so I  won't . So until you tell me to stop sending you letters, I  won't .  I've realized  that I  can't  give up on  our  friendship, I  can't  give up on you.

I'll  keep writing,  I'll  keep desperately hoping that one day,  you'll  read one.

I've  taken you for granted, Marella. This  isn't  our first  fight , but this is the one  I've  felt most guilty for, because  I've  really disrespected you. I want you to know that I miss you. That I never  realized  how much your  lack  of  presence  makes me feel  lonely .  It's  not the poetic letter  I've  been trying  to write  all this time, but  these  are my feelings,  pure , raw, and unfiltered.

I miss you, Marella. I hope one day  you'll  forgive me.

Love, Biana Vacker"

Sitting alone in her room, Marella felt her eyes water. Without thinking, she grabbed at the pile of envelopes and started reading through each of them.

"I revealed myself to Keefe. I thought that'd I shouldn't hide behind your words anymore. Keefe told me that he's in love with Fitz. It hurt to hear, but somehow, it didn'thurt as much as it did when I watched you leave.

I'm sorry, for what I said. I'm so, so, so sorry."

So many letters. Just how much had Biana written to her?

" I've  done a lot of thinking. Part of me wonders if  I'd  ever been in love with Keefe, or just the idea. I think I probably was, maybe  I'd  be more heartbroken if I  hadn't  lost you. But I've done a lot of  thinking , and  I've  decided on something.

I love you.  I've  told you this before, many  times , but it  might  mean something different this  time .  I'm  not entirely sure  yet . It just feels different, compared to when I usually say it. I  can't get  you out of my head, I want to hold you close. I want you to look my way."

Tears were falling as she kept reading, a hand at her mouth to muffle the sounds of crying.

"I thought about things some more.  You've been  in love with me,  haven't  you?  I'd  thought that you liking Keefe would be weird, but I was too  blinded  by jealousy to see it.

I'm  not sure how I came to that conclusion, but the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. And  that's  why you acted the way you did. Someone would probably say  that  it was an act of self-sacrifice, to give it up to help your friend. I  don't  disagree, but  I'm  sure that you helped me so much  because  you were scared.

And  that's  fine.  I'm  scared too.  I'm  terrified, that the time when you left could be our very last conversation with each other.  I'm  terrified of losing you.  I'm  terrified of telling this to all of you in person, which is why  I'm  sending letter after  letter ."

A sob came out from her, her hand had been long dropped. She rose to her feet, blindly grabbing at her desk for a paper and pencil.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Marella stood there, frozen at Biana's locker, envelope in hand. After a few moments of deliberation, she slipped it in through the gap, then waited nearby.

Biana opened her locker, and while Marella couldn't see her face, she could see her her freeze, gently pick up the envelope, open it, then bounce on her feet. She could see Biana look around, but Marella pulled her head back.

A mere sentence was what her letter contained.

"Meet me by the tree where the love  letters  were delivered after school."

•~•~•~•~•~•

Biana had gotten there first, pacing around, and Marella could see her fiddling with her fingers. When Biana saw her, her face lit up with a gorgeous smile that made her heart flutter, even if she wanted to be mad for a little longer.

"You read them?" Biana asked, voice quiet.

"I read them," Marella replied. "That conclusion you came to, you were right. It was—" no, that wasn't right, "—it has been you."

Biana reached out and slowly grabbed her hand, gripping loosely. "I'm glad, that it's been me. I'm sorry."

"I know. You said it a lot in your letters."

"I know," Biana agreed, her thumb brushing against Marella's knuckles. She couldn't figure out whether to look up at her gaze or look down at their hands. "But I'll say it again, because you deserve to hear it."

"I missed you," Marella said, and she was sure that Biana could fill in the rest.

I miss you, I want to continue staying by your side. I forgive you.

"I missed you too."

"Where do we go from here?"

Biana smiled. "I don't know. But I want you with me as we figure it out."

Then she brought Marella's hand to her lips, a gentle brush, but even that was enough to leave her breathless.

"Okay," she said, heart pounding, "okay."

•~•~•~•~•~•

Kotlc taglist: @stellarune @my-swan-song @impostertamsong @subrosasteath

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[idledreams-burninghearts]

I was trying to wait until I no longer work there to post about what I'm experiencing at work but I need to process it. CW: very heavy topic, trauma dumping, childhood trauma, grooming

I haven't written anything about it because I've been paranoid that Boss is following me on here, reading my posts. But oh well, either I'm paranoid and she won't see this. Or I'm not paranoid and I'm warning you, don't read this. I don't think you're in your stage of healing where you could handle this.

Lol, I gotta stop doing that. Not posting my thoughts and experiences in respect of someone else's feelings. I try to write things down privately in a journal or my notes app. I write letters to friends. It's just not the same as posting on here. Posting on here is like saying. I exist. My experience is valid. Gotta heal out of that people pleasing.

This might be out of order, my brain is weird, I will do my best to be coherent.

So the work environment is very triggering for me right now. The group dynamic is triggering childhood trauma of bullying. Where everyone is "nice" to you but they're making fun of you behind your back. (I trust some folk at work but not everyone) This is how some autistic folk experience bullying.

Like I definitely know they talk about me behind my back. I have had mental episodes that everyone is aware of. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt by telling myself they are just concerned. I know I'm not an easy person to talk to. I don't trust very easily. But knowing they're talking about me is definitely triggering this bullying trauma. I just wish they would directly ask me, through text or something, not in person.

I am a very emotional person and I really don't want to be emotional at work. I'm in neurocognitive decline and it's very hard for me to hide it right now. (As far as I'm aware there is no definitive new term for autistic burnout, but the autistic community is trying to leave the term burnout behind because allistic folk do not take it as serious as they should because burnout is a very different experience for them. I am calling it neurocognitive decline.) So I wish people would just talk to me in my preferred format if its something serious. They all know I have a hard time with verbal communication. I have been clear about that. But I've masked too well in the past and was going off scripts so well, they of course, don't take that seriously.

But it's not just that. Boss and I trigger each other. She doesn't want to admit it but I can read people's body language and emotions really well. I can tell when I trigger someone.

I really shouldn't have gone to her birthday gathering. It was pretty weird. So when they talked to me about it they said the theme was coyote ugly. I did the best I could with what I had in my closet. But when I met up with everyone they said that changed it to cowboy/cow themed. I didn't care really because they're almost the same and no one was really dressed to that theme anyways. But I could tell I triggered Boss. Boss really does have a lot of internalized fatphobia. She tries so hard to talk herself up (and rightly so, she is gorgeous) but I can tell she doesn't feel it 100%. Which is sad for me to see. I wish she was more confident in herself.

Didn't help how much the others were complimenting me. I could see she didn't like it. And honestly I didn't like it either. Felt like the bullying love bombing, but even without that, I don't really like when people compliment my appearance.

Like I have pretty privilege. There is no denying it. I know how I look, I love how I look, I have no self confidence issues in regards to how I look. But people really don't like it when you tell them to not compliment your appearance. Whenever I tell people that they react in a few ways.

"Just take the compliment. I'm just being nice." (From people of all genders, whether they're attracted to me or not)

They struggle to find a way to compliment me.

Also didn't help how people at the club were looking at me either. She noticed. She has had a very different experience of the world in that regard. She is fat. And the world has been difficult and cruel to her because of it. I see how the world treats her and people like her. It's not right.

I know I triggered her too when she was struggling to make the schedule and I commented "and they say we're not understaffed" and she snapped at me saying "stop saying that! We're not understaffed!" Friend and M were there and saw it and we all exchanged looks but I didn't say anything because I get that this job is stressing her out. Then a few days later she put up a help wanted sign. No apology for her snapping at me. When I bright this up in the meeting with her and K she said that she doesn't remember that, we're not bringing the others into this, she recognized my experience is valid. But still didn't apologize.

So when she was side-eyeing me all night and when she said "skinny people don't even need to try" in a way where she implied she's talking about me but can deny it (she's done this a couple of times at work too and in the meeting with boss and k, boss tried to say that she was just joking. I can tell the difference between a joke and a jab. Even if I don't find the joke funny I can tell what the intent was. It's in the eyes and the mouth. People think they're hard to read but they're not ) all I could think was. I get it. Of course this is how you feel after the world has treated you the way that it has. So I didn't say anything. No one likes being called out on their behavior, which is one reason why I think no one calls me out on mine (I wish they would, I actually like when people call me out on my behavior, work is weird because I don't want to be emotional at work but they can message me about it)

I realized my mental health, my physical health, was impacting everyone at work. I went to Boss and told her. (This was before the meeting with Boss and K, before I said I don't trust Boss in group chat) Hey I'm in burnout. And she responded. We all are. Which I'm still like, none of us should be. But this is when a switch flipped in my head. She's letting her perception of me get in the way of my well-being. That was a trigger. I'll get to that in a second. This is why I'm no longer using burnout to describe my experience. Why I'm using the term neurocognitive decline.

Took her a month to reduce my schedule down to 3 days. I get it, we had inventory and were short staffed. But it still just felt like she wasn't taking me seriously. She said she researched autistic burnout after I told her through group chat that I didn't trust her but I'm sure it was very cursory. Had to have a meeting with Boss and K where I showed them this tiktok. She mentioned that time she researched it. We talked about demoting me from supervisor to just sales associate which yes I was thankful for that. But it still feels like I'm not being taken seriously.

She was talking about how "we" have to manage our triggers (she was talking about me, she's so passive aggressive) she was talking about how "we wanted to be a communist party" (which was another trigger for me, I'll get to that when I talk about her she's specifically triggering me separate out of the group bullying dynamic) but also talking about "don't look at the emails, that's for management only, that information is not for everyone" and "we all need to help out" (how are you going to talk about being a communist party and needing everyone to help out but also keeping us in the dark about stuff and not sharing information?) But the whole meeting just, felt like what this video is talking about.

The last team meeting she was stressed out. I wasn't looking at her because I was having a hard time masking. So I was faced away and looking kinda up at the ceiling and rocking a little bit. I'm sure she was triggered by that too, I think she thought I was ignoring her. But I was listening, it's easier to listen when I'm not also looking. Another reason I didn't want to look at her was because I'm tired of managing her emotions.

I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to her and see that she's trying to ask people for more help in order to help me out but it also feels like she's using that as a way to fire me if I don't do what she says (I did ask for her to fire me in a way that i can collect unemployment, I talk about it a bit further down, I just can't trust her)

I also think she thinks I'm not eating the food she brings to the meetings because I am not being a team player or because I don't like her or something along those lines. No, the food makes me sick. I've been having a hard time eating food because of my neurocognitive decline (mind, body, soul, all connected) and I see how hard it is for her to accommodate me and I'm not gonna force her too. She doesn't have to. She's having a hard time. She can do what she can do. I don't have hard feelings about that.

Another thing that frustrates me is that it feels like she's trying to treat everyone the same when we're not all the same, we're not all capable of doing everything or doing everything the same way and after the meeting I did hear Boss say to M that she feels like the new hires help out more than the older workers and like do you still not get that I'm in neurocognitive decline??? Do you not get that we also know this company doesn't give a shit about us? Where is your communist spirit, I thought we were a communist party?

Another thing she mentioned in that meeting was how we can't call out or go home early for no reason. I know that is referencing me too. I have been calling out and going home early pretty often lately. Because I am in neurocognitive decline. But I think she was upset that a few days prior to this I had left home early. And how I left. I had texted her if I could go home early. She did not reply. I called her from the work phone. She did not answer. I told my ma what time she would be getting into work so she could pick me up when I asked her to go home early. So when Boss got into work she saw my ma was there. When I asked if I could leave she said "yea, your mom is waiting for you already". Like she really doesn't understand what I'm going through if she's thinking I'm going home just because I want to

Anyways. Back to how she mentioned "we need to manage our triggers" and how she was talking about me. And this relates to why I think she's following me on here. So before the meeting (the day before? A few days before?) I had written a post on here about how I noticed I was having a meltdown one a month. I had also written this post after I had talked to HR about a certain light causing migraines and how the District Manager said ALL lights need to remain on and that the company provides ibuprofen. HR backed her up and said it was OSHA and company policy. I tried looking up OSHA regulations and only found "1915.82(a)(1) The employer shall ensure that each work area and walkway is adequately lighted whenever an employee is present." Which doesn't state all lights need to be on, only that it needs to be adequately lit.

But what really made me think that she's following me on here is after I had posted about issues at work and with her but I said she was still like a creative and amazing person (in tags of this post), I don't think she's a bad person (still don't btw, sometimes there are just people you can't have in your life because your issues conflict with each other) and then at work she explained to me her issues with her mom. How she had pretty privilege and other things. And in my head, I'm just like, she read the post and I knew I was triggering issues with her mom (maybe of another person too, childhood "friend" perhaps? If I'm not being paranoid and she is following me I have to think it's for a reason, she might just be trying to protect herself from experiencing the same thing she has before, idk) and this is also what led to me not trusting her besides her not taking me seriously when I said I was in burnout.

So if I'm not paranoid I'm assuming Boss thinks me doing that was me having a meltdown or that I was triggered. Nope. The meltdown referenced in that post had nothing to do with work. I was thinking clearly when I was messaging with HR. That was also me self-regulating. Turns out I'm a PDA autistic. (I prefer Persistent Drive for Autonomy, that feels more correct for me than Pathological Demand Avoidance. And this has also created problems between Boss and I because I have been unintentionally engaging in Equalizing Behavior (I realize after) and allistic don't like that, they need their hierarchy)

Another thing that makes me think she's following me on here is because in the meeting with Boss and K, she said she wasn't micromanaging which was not a word I used in the meeting but I did use it in the tags of the same post

I know I've typed in the tags of a few posts that I wish I could just collect unemployment and then K started talking about her getting unemployment because of her 2nd job and when I said I wished I could get unemployment she very carefully said to talk to Boss about it and that Boss might just be uncomfortable firing a "friend". The whole interaction felt suspicious but I played along and said sure. Talked to Boss about it with K present and Boss was also very careful with her response. Could just be because she's trying to be careful of her position and be careful with me since I said I don't trust her. Like again, I am hoping that I'm paranoid about all of this. But it's so hard for me to trust her right now. Didn't help that in that meeting she said she'd talk to her lawyer friend because I couldn't be fired for insubordination and that we'd come up with a plan. Well, she never talked to me about a plan. And one time I called out for being sick and the next day B texted me asking if I was still feeling unwell and if I would be staying home. I said I was not gonna make it in and she said that she texted Boss to let her know. Then Boss tried to give me a write-up for it because I didn't tell her but I said I didn't because B did and I pulled up the message where she said so and she seemed frustrated (hoping because she was trying to help me but she knows I don't trust her and idk why she won't let me in on her plan. But this has been a huge issue for me working with her too. She thinks she communicates well but she does not, at least not with me. And I mirror communication styles so I know to her it seems like I don't communicate well)

It's also hard to trust her about this because she told employees that write-ups are back for everyone. Like I asked to be fired in a way I could collect unemployment, you didn't need to bring write-ups back for everyone. Why are you continuing to treat us all the same when we're not. And I don't mean treat us all the same as equivalent to treating us equal. Those are two different things for me. Treat us all equal, yes, but we all have different needs and capabilities so don't treat us all the same. She's leaning into the reasons I can't trust her.

This part is what I think I'm being most paranoid about (at least really hoping I'm being paranoid about, it would be extremely fucked up if I'm not being paranoid about it) so when I was confused about my feelings for Mrs Heartstrings (gotta find a new name for her, will just refer to her as Friend, same Friend mentioned earlier) I did kinda tell Boss. I was confused about if she was flirting with me or just being kind and none of my friends that I talked to about it could offer any insight because they have never met her (well, Strawhat Friend did, but very momentarily and no interaction between us) and so one day I asked Boss if she could tell if a person was flirting with me (I showed her a screenshot of a text message that was cropped to remove names) and that the person was married but I wasn't sure if they were poly or not. She asked me where I met her and I froze. She said I didn't have to answer and I didn't. But she's smart. I'm sure she figured it out. But after that it seemed like everyone was talking Friend up. "Friend is so amazing!" was said to me multiple times to the point where I started responding "I know???" And I remember this time where a few coworkers kinda stood around her and said something like "Friend is autistic" and she made a pose and it just seemed very ta-da! And I think I just responded with "I know?" But I thought "I know" "are y'all showing her off?" "What's going on here?" "Sorry I'm not the right kind of autistic" (that last one I thought because I had been saying I'm too autistic for this job so I was hoping it was related to that and not what I was being suspicious about) I really hope I'm being paranoid about this part because even if they tell themselves it was a "joke" it's fucked up and led to me having a spiral. I prefer to spiral just because I'm fucked up and not because someone is messing with me.

Okay. So now to the part where I talk about her triggering me. If I'm not being paranoid and Boss is reading this, you are really gonna want to stop reading at this point. You really aren't in the right place of your healing journey to read this.

So she has called the team meetings "family dinner" and has called us a family, which was extremely triggering for me and not just because that is a corporate tactic to get employees to work harder for them.

She doesn't communicate well, she's been changing a lot of things at work and how we do things which would be fine except she doesn't explain them properly or at all, or will explain it to someone else who will explain it to me but still without the necessary information my autistic brain needs to actually be able to do it. Like this.

One, she never talked to me about this. K did. But it didn't make sense to my autistic brain to print out the shipment manifest in a way that wasted ink and paper because it included a lot of items that weren't actually shipped to us. It has a lot of items with 0 at the end of it. And in the system all you have to do is press one button, twice, to change the format in the system to show the items listed from greatest to least amount of items sent. I printed upcoming shipments like that so it would only be like 2-5 pages long instead of like 10+ pages long. I saved the digital version in the bookmark bar of both internet browsers on the computer. I told K about it and she said no one else would want to do that work and I said no one else has to, y'all can do it your way when you print up the shipment list because I know we're all different. After that is when Boss wrote that in the pass down log. And now that I'm no longer a supervisor, I saw how they are doing the shipment list. They are using what comes in the shipment. Which is exactly how I was prepping it anyways. And she has not apologized because she didn't tell me directly so she has the excuse that she wasn't talking about me. When yes she was.

No explanation for why that way is better. Does not want to communicate about it. She just wants to tell us to do something and she just wants us to do it no questions asked. And so passive aggressive. I know she's talking about me. (Why can't she just talk to me directly. I know I'm hard to talk to. But if it's work related that is very easy to talk about. Just talk to me directly so I can mirror your communication style and I can be direct back.) Very triggering for me. And the next shipment they printed out their way I just could not do it because of my pda profile and because of being triggered and because it just does not make sense to me. I couldn't do it and said as much. (In the meeting with Boss and K and Boss said "we already let you do what you want to do" which was so frustrating for me because what I want to do is my job, but she still doesn't get that I'm in neurocognitive decline and I'm just trying to do what I can do.) Honestly since messaging HR about the OSHA thing it has been a bit easier for me to work because I'm motivated by spite (to the company, not even Boss) now. I want to cause problems for the company but just let them try to fire me without it looking like retaliation. I do my job. I am being nice to people. Trying to talk. It probably doesn't seem enough, I'm wearing a more manageable mask, it's not as upbeat and social and I know because of everything going on they think I'm being upset at them when I really just don't have the energy or capacity. I'm sure some people are taking it personally.

Another thing that triggered me was when she said "I'm always watching" talking about how she looks over the security camera footage. I talked to her about this in the meeting but I'm not sure if she gets it or not because this is what she put in the report she typed up.

Like I'm not triggered by the cameras being there (although I do hate that we live in a surveillance state) I'm triggered by what she said. And she speaks corporate very well. She knows how this is gonna make me look. I'm looking to get out of there anyways so whatever. But then it was funny that after she submitted this she posted in the group chat that management was looking at the cameras more "for some reason"

But she could just be covering her own ass too. In the meeting she said she was taking notes so she could type up the report. Later I had asked for a copy, now I wonder if she actually meant that or if she did that allistic thing where they say things they don't mean. Like how hard is it to say, I'm taking notes so I know what to respond to without interrupting you? I signed it without reading too, but because I wanted the copy for myself and to show friends. I'm sure she thought I wanted it to get her in trouble. Or maybe she still doesn't get it. She's never really been able to listen and understand me. It's just an allistic/autistic communication issue (I need to be more direct again, I stopped as a kid because people really don't like it)

Another way she triggered me was by taking away autonomy. She said that staff can't rearrange the merch without asking for permission from a supervisor or her, the manager. So one day I'm putting product out but there's no space. I have to rearrange the wall. I was a supervisor at the time so I just gave myself permission. She then changed it to where no one could rearrange the wall without asking for her permission.

Another thing she does that triggers me is that she is not clear with her instructions. In a team meeting she said that people were cleaning too slowly so I sped up how I cleaned. Then things weren't being cleaned well enough (like no shit, cleaning is either going to be cleaned fast OR thoroughly. Not both) and that caused a bit of a melt down for me (not in the meeting).

And in the meeting Boss was like "sorry I'm triggering memories of a friend" and I was just like, she wasn't a friend. Like, yes, in the group dynamic it reminds me of childhood bullying. But her on her own, of these things I've just listed.

The person and memories she is triggering is of Ms. A. Ms. A is the reason I look people in the eye and the reason I don't visibly stim. She forced me to look people in the eyes, she forced me to be still. Good kids are neither seen nor heard. I couldn't be visibly autistic. And I don't feel like I can be autistic with Boss. Ms. A forced me to clean her house and look after the younger kids. Boss makes me feel like I have to do more than I'm able to, regardless of my disability and she gives "reasonable accommodations". Ms. A gave no privacy. Boss said she's always watching. Ms. A always said we were family when we weren't, she was our "caregiver", she was paid to take care of us but she didn't. Boss called the team meetings "family dinner" but we're not family. I have a hard time thinking we're all friends. Boss tried to say we're a communist party when she can't even give me the accommodations I need, feels like she's trying to use what she knows about me as a way to get me to comply. Ms. A is the reason I don't like talking about the things I like with people because she used it against me as a form of control. She groomed me (and the other kids) for her father.

So that's why I can't really talk to her directly about this. Like how do you tell someone, "hey your behavior reminds me of my groomer"? And why I couldn't properly vent this out here in case she is seeing my posts. If I'm not paranoid about that... I hope she heeded my warning and didn't read this.

Like, I don't think Boss is grooming me to be sexually assaulted. But it sure does feel like she's grooming me to be a good little employee for corporate. Do as I say no questions asked. No transparency, keeping people out of the loop.

Honestly if I'm not being paranoid and she is following me here that's another trigger that reminds me of my groomer. No privacy.

Like I miss my old manager. When I was promoted I was uncomfortable with the position because I don't like being in a position of power over people but she told me it wasn't a position of power, it was a position of responsibility. And I vibe hard with that. But current Boss. She does not take the same approach. I can't work for her. I need to get out of there. She will never not trigger me as long as I'm working under her.

I also remember a time where Boss and Friend and I were supposed to hang out but I had to cancel because my cat died. I was of course really sad that my cat died, but there was a part of me that was relieved I didn't have to hang out with them because I really felt (and feel) uncomfortable around Boss. Like that's how bad I am doing with all of this. Although I do think I'm doing pretty well at work considering everything I'm going through.

And the possibility of Boss following me on here is why I'm not talking about my latest mental health issue and what I think it is. Because she's not a safe person for me to be autistic around. She is definitely not a safe person for me to be that kind of mentally ill around, especially if I'm working for her.

Like I get its been hard for people to deal with me while I've been in neurocognitive decline (honestly it started once we were bought out). It's not just her that is the issue. I know I'm part of the issue too. But I can't work for her.

I don't want to talk about this at work because there is no space and time to properly communicate this without it seeming like I'm gossiping. And I don't want to turn anyone against her. I don't want to take her community away from her. She needs them. I don't. I have friends.

I am honestly overwhelmed by how many friends I have. I do think I needed to experience this and am kinda grateful for this experience. It really reminded me of who my friends are and which relationships I need to work on. Kinda thinking about having a picnic with friends when I'm not working here anymore and feeling a bit better.

I also know I can be a heavy person because I focus so much on my depression and how much I don't want to be alive. And people don't want to focus on that, they don't want me to focus on that. But I need to. I need to problem solve. I need to figure out why I'm feeling this way. So I can change and grow. Can't do that if I'm ignoring the problem.

But anyways, yea, whether I'm paranoid or not, I can't work here. Either way, the situation is not great. No real accommodations and my neurocognitive decline is not taken seriously.

I feel like writing this up here has already helped me process this a bit and hopefully I can work on it more with this week off. I'm sure there are things that I'm forgetting but this is already really long.

[sorry-imma-scorpio]

hello again

Have I met my Michael?

See, the funny part about all of this, is that I know that I have this account. I haven't forgotten a password, neglected my laptop, or gone to the mountains to be a recluse from society. I have simply been busy.

Here is a handful of life updates, another schizophrenic monologue, as my former friends would have called it.

I go to college now, actually wrapping up my first semester, with a final paper. I still protcrastinate everything that I do. Even to the people I love.

Love.

Funny thing.

You see, I thought I was in love with my (now ex) girlfriend from one of my previous rants. I might have been at some point, but not in any way that truly mattered. Turned out that at the very same moment I was writing that essay of a rant, she first got the idea that she wanted to break up with me. I was broken and falling apart every moment of my waking existence, and she wanted out.

Nov - : I had a birthday-like party with a group of friends. At one of their apartments. This is the night that I realize I am not a lesbian as I start to get feelings for a man (I know! It's weird!). This is also three weeks after I tell my ex that I will not be attending her school and she blamed me for all of her future misfortune. I cried. But that night I went to sleep happy, I finally felt wanted.

Nov - : I am nineteen. The boy wishes me happy birthday before all of my other friends, I can feel my heart smile when he texts me. My ex had texted me the night before when it turned midnight in her time zone... I thought it was sweet. (I should not be listening to The View Between Villages as I write this out. This is probably going to be very damaging to my mental health.) I go home. I eat some steak. I cry.

Nov - : We are hanging out again. The group of us go to one of the Recreation centers on campus. He lays next to me on the couch and we make eye contact. I want to kiss him. I talked to my ex throughout the day. She doesn't say "I love you". I call my friend and I sit and write a letter.

Nov - : The next day. I texted the boy the night before that we needed to talk in person. We get together after class and I tell him almost everything about my relationship, and he supports me. He walks with me all across campus and even takes me to a museum. I feel wanted. We split ways, but only after he bows and says "Until Friday, Miss LastName. But we will talk every moment until that point." I call a couple friends to gush about this interaction. The moment is ruined by my ex texting me. The breakup will happen that night but none of us knew that yet.

It was over in 15 minutes

She tells me she had wanted to break up for months

She said she didn't want to lose me as a friend

We have been no contact since.

I don't miss her.

Boy said he was proud of me.

I am proud of me

Nov - : I tell more friends about the breakup, catch them up on everything. None of them know that I had mourned this relationship since mid-October. When I first told her about this. Boy hugs me. It lifted my mood so much that I participated in class.

Over Thanksgiving break we talk the entire time. He keeps checking in on me and it is such a nice conversation every time we interact.

December hits me like a fucking train and I lose my mind.

I don't remember what happened so far, all I know is that it is December 17, 2023 and I have had so many highs and lows mentally.

I do know, however, that on December 8, 2023, I wanted to not be here anymore. I went on a walk without the expectation of coming back, even telling my friends to watch my stuff. My phone dies and the last song I heard was "Call Your Mom" by Noah Kahan. I crave orange chicken. And I wonder what the boy would think and feel if he knew that I had ended my life shortly after we had just talked.

I try to tell my friends what's going on. Like an idiot. Two of them cared that I was coming out of a spiral. One of them... one of them completely disregarded it. I understand that these cyclical thoughts can be tiring to be around, so that is why I try to stifle them, so my friends don't have to deal with me. Right after I told this friend that I was done with living, she tells me that she now craved the orange chicken I told her pulled me out of my ideation, and that her boyfriend was cute on FaceTime.

How the fuck does anyone do this to someone?

I tell the boy. He asks what happened. If I am okay. And tells me that if it ever gets to that point again to call him and he will come get me from wherever I am. He tells me to stay safe and that he loves me. I know it was in the way a friend loves a friend but it was said so softly, so carefully, that I believed it. This was the first time in a while that I heard the words "I love you" and connected that, yes, someone could actually love me. That people want me around.

From the end of Thanksgiving break to the start of Winter break, we were together every single day but one. That one day, apparently we both almost texted each other multiple times asking if the other wanted to hang out. I should have.

Going from my ex who tells me to tell my therapist when I'm depressed to someone who goes around my jokes to tell me to tell him what's going on.

I have needed this man my entire life, and he came into it at the perfect time. Even if he doesn't share the same romantic feelings that I have towards him, I know that there is something there, and that is more than my other friends could have ever given me in the last few months. He makes me not want to end it all. He makes me want to eat. He makes me want to actually live.

I have now listened to francesca.

Thank you for reading,

You are loved,

Scorpio <3

[ganseysglasses]

I’ve had boygenius brain rot since The Record was released so let me tell you what song goes to which of the raven cycle characters.

Starting with the obvious, Ronan is SO revolution 0 are you kidding?? “i don’t wanna die / that’s a lie / but i’m afraid to get sick / i don’t know what that is” so so so Ronan. ALSO “i used to think if i just closed my eyes / i would disappear” ?? enough said. revolution 0 is questioning the world you’re in and your purpose in it and if that isn’t the epitome of Ronan Lynch idk what it.

Adam is definitely Letter To An Old Poet to me. This was a really hard choice because Adam Parrish is incredibly boygenius coded but i have evidence. “you’re not special, you’re evil / you don’t get to tell me to calm down / you made me feel like an equal / but i’m better than you / and you should know that by now” it’s Adam Parrish learning who he is and that he’s more than his background, more than what he’s been told he is by his father, the other students at aglionby, and even himself. Letter To An Old Poet makes me feel like reflecting on what used to be and realizing how much time has changed everything around me. That’s just so Adam!!

I’m not SUPER confident on this one, but Noah is Anti-Curse. First of all, Noah Czerny just seems like a Julien Baker fan idk. Also kind of obvious text evidence “making peace with my inevitable death.” now i KNOW that could also be Gansey, but hear me out. Noah knew from the beginning that he was going to be gone and leave his friends over and over again (poor guy :( ) and he still MOURNED and resisted his inevitable undoing. I feel like Gansey didn’t even actually come to terms with his death. All of the Raven King was spent searching for a solution, and even though Gansey had proof he would die, he didn’t quit searching for a solution. Noah on the other hand embodies Anti-Curse and the theme of making peace with where you are. It’s really heartbreaking honesty.

Gansey boy himself is OBVIOUSLY True Blue. I have authority on this because i AM Gansey. He’s me. Anyways, i realized Gansey was true blue when i heard the line “but it feels good to be known so well / i can’t hide from you like i hide from myself” which is also when i had the idea for this post (before taking many weeks to write it out). Additionally just think about Gansey’s relationship with his friends with this verse “you’ve never done me wrong except for that one time / that we don’t talk about / because it doesn’t matter anymore / who won the fight? / I don’t know” Gansey being so willing to do anything for his friends, and ignore any fights or disagreements just to get them to stay. True Blue embodies the longing to be seen. to be known and understood and loved in despite of people seeing. And that’s a very clear character trait of Gansey’s throughout the books.

Finally, Blue Sargent herself. She’s Satanist, which i feel might be a bit of an obvious choice but it fits. Blue makes it known where she stands on everything, is very independent, and has a lot to prove, which really suits this song. The verse “will you be an anarchist with me? / sleep in cars and kill the bourgeoisie / at least until you find out what a fake i am” says it best. Blue is so desperate to be sure of herself and achieve what she wants, but there’s so much she’s not sure of. (her principles after finding her raven boys, college, careers, their quest, etc) Satanist is a song that takes a stand so confidently while having no real intention of acting upon the decisions made. Not because it doesn’t believe in the decisions or the principles behind it, but because it doesn’t believe in itself.

Anyways that’s my interpretation of the raven cycle with special guests Boygenius!

[whats-wild-to-you]

OMG hii ur back 😍 can i request? I thought about this when Jay was on tour but u were away too so I didnt want to bother u

can u write one for Jay’s POV when he finds a letter that u stuffed in between his clothes before he left for tour? like the letter is u wishing him well, asking him to rest and not work himself too hard, basically sappy fluff to make me cry

oh .. the feels 🥹🥹🥹

I guess you mean the Won Soju tour? Which, side note, is a BRILLIANT idea! When he mentioned it that he should maybe do a Won Soju tour instead of a ‘regular’ one … genius entrepreneurial mind at work 😍

Anywayyyyyyy…

______________________________________________

I dragged my suitcase inside the hotel room, kicking the door close with my foot. Suddenly being back home, in the U.S., felt bittersweet. On one hand I was dying to meet up with my friends again, on the other hand I kept thinking about who I left behind.

It's only been a couple months since we started dating, but she had already become a vital part in my life. Against my intuition, my strong will to separate business from private life, I found myself turning to her whenever I needed advice or a second opinion.

She would often stay over or I would sometimes crash at her place and we'd be like an old married couple, sharing chores and falling asleep next to each other in front of the tv.

Sighing, I immediately took out my phone to text her. Chuckling to myself, because she didn't demand it, but I felt the need to keep her updated nonetheless.

I'm in L.A. in my hotel room. Looks pretty nice. Kinda empty though.

I added a photo of the view and a selfie of me looking all mopey. After a minute I got a text back.

You'll do great. Fighting!

I was hoping for a more heartfelt response but remembered the time difference. She was probably at work right now and couldn't send lengthy texts.

My manager came in to check on me and told me we would be heading to the venue in a hour. I wanted nothing more than to take a nap but another text fron her made me jump in excitement.

I put a couple packets of your favorite ramen in your suitcase so you wouldn't get too homesick. It would be better if you took them out before you crush them.

Smirking at how well my wifey was taking care of me, I bent down, weeding through my clothes. Instead of ramen, I found a red envelope. Curious to see what it was, I took out a handwritten letter.

Hey babe, by now I think you've realized there's no ramen. Sorry for the fib. I just know how you never unpack, so I had to get you to go through your stuff to find this. I know I told you I didn't mind you traveling a lot, and I really don't, but I still miss the hell out of you! We've only been together for a short time but I can't imagine being away from you for too long. Why I didn't tell you all those things when we said our goodbyes you ask? Well, I didn't want to be clingy, or make you worry. I wanted you to enjoy your trip. I know it's mainly work, but I saw how excited you were to do this and I wanted you to have the best time ever! But please remember not too overwork yourself, cause I also know you tend to do that too. I'll be there with you in spirit, so whenever you feel anxious or nervous, imagine I'm right beside you, squeezing your hand reassuringly. Try not to miss me too much, and I promise you I'll do the same. When you come back I'll be waiting for you with your favorite food. Until then, with love. xxx

Wiping a stray tear away, I carefully folded the letter, put it back in its envelope and stuffed it inside my backpack together with my valuables. With trembling hands I called her.

"You know what I want to say, right? I don't want to say it over the phone."

'I know. You'll have countless of opportunities to do so very soon.'

"Okay. Now go back to work!"

I ended the call and let out a frustrated sigh. No matter how emotional I was right now, I was definitely not the right moment to drop the L-word.