#and that I'll be here radiating love like a furnace. enough that he can feel it across the miles.

[hairtusk]

[craycraybluejay]

Lotus Eater//Biiiiig Personal Vent

Having the lyric "and I know you know I'm not the one" from the song Lotus Eater stuck in your head kind of mood. kill me

just thinking ab my relationships. and well, am I ever gonna be the one? is there such a thing? i feel so disillusioned and disconnected from love as a concept, a feeling, an anything. and i dissociate myself constantly and try to act "normal" and god I *want* to love normally. i want to be able to feel magical things. but fuck im so tired and done. i'm such a fucking asshole. flippant with the people that really care for me and clingy to those who would throw me in a dumpster without a second thought. what is wrong with me? oversexualizing absolutely everything but unable to connect sex to love as concepts. more absorbed in fantasy than reality and not even feeling quite "there" in fantasy either. like i'm in a limbo state. i can't lose myself in my head, i can't stay outside of it well enough to be in reality, and i cant afford to be high enough not to care. i *need* better than videogames and conversations to pass the time and emptiness. i *need* the pleasant warm blanket of an opioid telling me i can love and i can hope and i can feel no pain. it's just become habit. breathe poison into my lungs, waste away in bed, play mindless games, consume porn, get pangs of greater things than me and existential regret. how did i get like this? why am i losing the ability to love? why am i losing the ability to feel or think? time is an insignificant little concept i have no awareness of and im only reminded by random things. numbers and letters blur into endless consumption without creation. images stack up into one monstrous, depraved mural of degeneration. it's summer and the heat is radiating from this little eletrical furnace but i dont feel it. and suddenly its 82 and im too hot but too cold as well. i feel sick, i need a drug to fix me. i feel sick, i need someone to fix me. i need to be okay, i need to tell myself it's going to be okay, it has to be okay. my emotions arent going anywhere, theyre just taking a little VACATION. this void won't be forever. i'll wake up and i'll be good again. i'll wake up and i'll be carefree as ever soaring through life. well rounded and creative and whole again. when will I wake up. it feels like i'm always sleeping. dormant. like i need to just nail a big sign up on my forehead that says "the number you have dialed is unavailable, please try again later" or "vacant." i don't think i'm lucid much, any more. my dreams feel far more real than whatever this is. dreams of vivid places, people, events, things. more life-like than these dull walls and slowly mounting agony. more life-like than the yelling and unlively violence. more life-like than any love i know in this godforsaken place. and i want to lose myself there, I really do. just finally let myself go so i can fall forevermore in peace, into my mind, and never return. i know it might happen if i do slow down and stop forcing myself into dissociation. getting in my own head and never leaving. why am i so scared? its beautiful there. it's alive. it's super-alive. can i please just never wake up into this sleep again? but i do have nightmares. terrible, rip-your-own-head-off nightmares. nightmares that leave me cold and gasping not for air but for chemicals. take another pill, cure my anxiety for another little while. feel lethargic and "live" on autopilot. sleep and pray I never wake again. please leave me alone i hate it here. what is this love they claim and want from me when they pressure me and betray me and abandon me? and i end up at death's door begging him to let me in. and i know death is the unforgiving type, that drags people through. but i feel like im just pounding at his door and sobbing and begging him to end this quicker and he's just drawing on my agony and desperation, my slow death that feeds him for millenia. my lungs dont work right. none of me does. this isnt even the right body, if there even is one. get me OUT of here. get me out of here. god please. i'm fucking terrified of waking up every day and seeing this room and seeing the sky and hearing not the hum of life but the buzz of dying.