#and the thought of feeling a root canal has me on the verge of an anxiety attack aha

[aastarions]

this weekend i’m gonna start working on chapter 5 of stay gold me thinks

[fishmongeringstudies]

the year i turned twenty i stopped waiting for someone to save my life and started eating more vegetables

in the winter of 2018 i got a root canal done on the molar in the upper left-hand corner of my mouth. it had been on the verge of death for a while now; two years prior to that a visiting government-sponsored school dentist had taken a look at it, frowned, and then spent the next two hours wheedling all the rot out of that tiny black hole with a drill. unfortunately the solution he imposed was both extremely painful and temporary, and so two years after the initial incident i found myself once again at the dentist's (this time at a clinic; school dentists don't like to deal with the extra-gritty stuff and are not paid enough to do so). they stuck a needle in my gum, numbed three-quarters of my mouth, then drilled a hole through the center of my tooth and ripped the withering shred of nerve-tissue right out of it.

my dentist helpfully explained all of the above to me during our consultation session in the same office in which he would rip the top half of my tooth off a week later. he was a balding, smiling man whose speech did not, unlike many medical professionals i had met over the years, have an edge of condescension to it. i liked him. i would have liked him more were he not planning to essentially castrated my tooth.

several weeks later i went to another dentist who specialized in helping people in post-root canal limbo, and she stuck a shiny metal crown on what was left of my molar. we then scheduled a series of check-ups to ensure that the crown had not flown off its liege while i attacked an ice cube or something similarly bad for my teeth and mental health, which stretched on for so long that she became, more or less, my primary dental care physician. at first the check-ups were a month apart. then two. time passed. her hair grew longer and our conversations less awkward; she was beautiful and snarky and looked like she would shoot god without hesitation if he stepped into range of her gun. she wore her hair short, red tinged with gold, in a pixie-cut that fell over half of one eye. for a while i thought i was in love with her.

'do you floss?' she asked me on my second check-up.

'no,' i said.

'well.' she broke off a length of dental floss and began to wind it around her fingers. it looked like a death threat and she looked ready to kill, though her eyes were smiling. 'you should.'

for the first year after having an utterly destroyed tooth brought back from the brink of death via a grisly temporary solution that would, at best, buy me one or two decades of peace, i didn't. i didn't floss because when she did it for me in her tiny examination room my gums bled so much it took hours for me to wash the bitter taste of iron out of my mouth. blood is a nice concept and a nicer motif in writing. but it smells awful, and it's worst on the tongue. so i didn't floss my teeth, and i went through life with the kind of casual detached disinterest with which i had approached most things up until then. at my next check-up she asked once again if i had been flossing and i lied that i had. after poking and prodding around in my mouth for a few minutes and taking a scan for good measure she gave me a look and said dryly, 'you haven't been flossing at all, have you.'

disappointing your parents, your favorite high school english teacher, or even your best friend is nothing compared to the sheer embarrassment that comes from knowing your beautiful dentist asked you to do the bare minimum, and you failed to deliver. her voice was arid but we had known each other for long enough by then for me to detect a thin undercurrent of disappointment. i had done it. i had lost the support of the only person in my life who could be counted on to support me. because i paid her for her services. and she was also very funny in a quiet sarcastic way. and she was beautiful.

having had my ego wounded beyond description i resolved to floss from then on and succeeded in dragging my poor aching gums past the bleeding stage to a point where they were merely post-workout sore. then i lost interest and forgot about the white, sterile-smelling clinic that was a fifteen minutes' drive from my house and the little pack of dental floss on the bathroom counter faded into obscurity. two weeks before my next appointment in 2020, an alarm on my phone went off to inform me of the approaching day of judgment. i panicked.

'have you been flossing?' my dentist asked as i lay back in the faded green chair and she put on a pair of new gloves.

'yeah,' i said.

five minutes later, she removed her army of dentistry equipment from my mouth with a satisfied hum. 'i see that you have.' her eyes were smiling. 'your teeth look fine. i'll just clean them a little for you.'

i celebrated impressing my favorite dentistry professional in singapore by forgetting to floss for the next two months. soon after that i got on a plane to america, and then two more for good measure in case i hadn't grown sick of sitting and burning in my own skin already, and then twelve weeks of insanity ensued, the details of which we are surely all acquainted with by now. late nights, walks in the forest, afternoons spent in the sun. mismatched footsteps and strange acquaintances. an elaborate circus act staffed entirely by misguided but well-meaning teenagers. a ring of fire.

two weeks ago i bought a box of dental floss for ninety-nine cents. i think this might be what the anthropologists call 'adulthood'. i was at target with a friend and we were getting toothpaste, which we had both nearly run out of, when i saw the little flat box of dental floss hanging from a hook on the wall. my teeth weren't particularly disgusting (they haven't been, not since i learned how to brush them properly), but they weren't beautiful. it had been a while since i had been on my own mind. for the last three months, others' pain had been my main priority, and now that we had eliminated most of them from the picture, i found myself with more time in the mornings to stare at myself in the mirror and wonder how, exactly, i was doing.

how are you doing? i asked. and the answer was i felt like shit.

while i've stayed in dormitories before for extended periods of time i always got out of doing laundry by either submitting my dirty clothes to an on-campus service which disappeared them into a hole in the fabric of reality and returned them to you a day later, cleaned and folded outside your room so the first time i did laundry by myself in america, a week after arriving on campus, i felt invincible. buying an iced chai from the cafe on a thursday morning and then settling down to work on my laptop until my first class started at noon, i felt like a character in a career advisory ad, like someone who knew where they were going and how they were going to get there. standing in front of the bathroom mirror of my summer dorm, winding a strand of dental floss around my fingers, i felt like i had aged fifteen years in the span of just one, and that just this once, it was for the better.

according to my adult friends, no one ever fully feels or recognizes that they are an adult. adulthood is an ideal that all grown children strive towards the way body-builders aim for more and more muscle mass until there's nothing left of them but a pair of well-toned biceps. there are several industry-approved ways to be an adult, but there are no suggested ways to feel like one. this is part of the gaping maw of inadequacy our generation has fallen into. this afternoon i melted butter in a pan and beat two eggs, milk, salt, and garlic powder together in a bowl. pouring the egg mixture into the pan i began to scrape the edges frantically towards the center with a spatula. the whole process took no longer than two or three minutes. by the end of it my hand was shaking.

according to my adult friends you just wake up one day and start looking for ways to re-organize your pantry and that's when you realize: i'm getting old, aren't i? and i'm getting old, aren't i? twenty's just the start of what a friend recently told me her parents refer to as 'the decade of pain'. but the beginning of something is included in the timeline of its accomplishments, too, and it takes more blind faith to start something than we give ourselves credit for. i have never used a saucepan up until today. in my younger years i often boiled broccoli or cauliflower in a small pot over an electric stove. but the butter, the eggs, the smell of fat sizzling on a pan- this is new to me. this entire life is new to me.

leaving the familiar warmth of your family home, it suddenly occurs to you how fragile life is. how everything your mother has done for you until now has kept you on the path forward, and now you have been given the keys to the basement you have to remember to buy laundry detergent before you run out. it all comes together like this: the humming laundry machines, the hand towels, the fridge full of fruit and cheese. it keeps you alive.

and it's awful. our generation doesn't know what self-care is because we're too busy trying to care for a world which tries, time and again, to kick us off the carousel of life and move on without its ephemeral teenage charges. we are bad at this 'living' thing because we often forget that we are alive at all. look out the window and the world's burning. look into the kitchen, and- quiet. this past year has done nothing to improve the paintings on the wall. we've all known hopelessness. we've all known what it's like to wake up and feel nothing at all.

and yet my flatmate has a new york times cooking subscription that she says we're welcome to borrow if we want to look up a recipe for something like paella, brownies, whatever. the other day she made shrimp scampi and when she knocked on my door and said 'i made food, if you'd like some' i remember thinking living with other people was worth it if you could sit around a table and twirl pasta noodles around your fork in silence. tomorrow i think i'll go to target again and see if i can find more acai. i miss it. i miss singapore's overpriced acai places and their stupid too-high chairs.

and i am living life clumsily, but who cares? a life is a life; all you have to do is live it. the rest can come later, after the dust has settled on the windowsill.

06.09.21

[crystaljins]

The ‘mum’ friend | 09 FINAL

Characters: Jin x Reader

Word count: 1.5 K

Synopsis:  Jin’s a little tired of being the mum friend  but that won’t stop you from looking after him when he’s sick.

Notes:  The final installment. I don’t know who’s dumber at this point. Jin or the reader. 

I guess I’ll leave that up to you guys to decide ;)

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

Jin does not cope with being sick very well. You’ve always attributed it to his inability to accept help from anyone. He’s never seemed to be able to grasp the concept that constantly helping others does not mean he cannot accept help himself.

So when he’d showed up on your doorstep that morning with a runny nose and a fever, you’d been quick to drag him inside. He’d obviously protested- he had been determined to spend the day with you and share whatever the important piece of information was that he had to “make sure to do right” he had told you about the day before. Whatever it was, it could wait.

Or at least, you thought it could wait. Jin did not agree, apparently.

“If we leave now,” he gasps, his voice nasally and choked. “We can still make the booking I have for-“

“Jin,” you cut him off firmly, setting down the bowl of chicken soup you’ve been trying and failing to feed him for the past few minutes. “You have a fever. I’m not sure what you think that means, but what it does mean is that you need rest. Whatever you wanted to tell me can wait until you’re better.” With your reprimand completed, you pick up the soup and bring the spoon to his lips. He obediently drinks some and he looks so adorable wrapped in your blankets with messy bed hair that you have to look away. You’ll have to wash those sheets to get rid of any sick germs once he’s well enough to go home and you can probably sleep on the couch in the meantime. You probably could have sent him home but at least at your place you can make sure he’s actually taking proper care of him self.

“What if it can’t wait?” He asks suddenly. His expression is a little hazy, likely due to the delirium induced by his fever. You blink.

“Honestly, I don’t know what’s so important that it can’t wait until you’re better, Jin, but I think you should stop whining and just rest. Now finish this soup.” You command and once more he obediently and docilely allows you to feed him another spoonful.

“It’s not fair, though,” he complains, rather than falling silent like you had requested. You resist the urge to roll your eyes.

“What’s not fair, Jin?” You ask. While you are secretly thrilled to be able to look after him in the way he always looks after his friends, you’re still working on the whole patience and kindness thing and he’s being a little annoying.

“Why did I have to get sick today, of all days? Right when I was going to-“ He aborts his sentence halfway through, interestingly enough. You think the flush from fever that sits high on his cheeks may darken but it is hard to tell. It is enough to ignite your curiosity, however.

“When you were going to what?” You ask. Ever since Jin had asked you to keep today free, you had admittedly been burning with curiosity about what it is he has to tell you. You had put it on the back burner when he’d shown up to your house on the verge of passing out, but he keeps bringing it up. What could he possibly have to say to you?

“It’s nothing... You know, you don’t have to take care of me like this.” He points out. You shrug and bite back a smile.

“Well, you don’t have to drive Jungkook to his samba lessons but that’s never stopped you from doing so.” You point out. Jin chuckles at your retort but it quickly results in a coughing fit. You lean back, narrowly avoiding the spray of soup, before reaching for your bedside table to pass him a tissue. He accepts it gratefully.

“This sucks so much.” He rasps. “I had such a fun day planned for us too.”

“Were we going to pick up Hoseok’s car from the mechanic and then help Jimin vacuum his place for that work party he’s planning on holding?” You ask, and to your credit there is only a touch of sarcasm in your voice.

Surprisingly, Jin looks a little offended at your playful jibe.

“For your information,” He says haughtily. “We were going to go to the zoo together.”

That gets your attention.

“The zoo?” You question. “Why? Did Taehyung want us to pick up a toy for his nephew or something?”

Jin shakes his head.

“No! I just wanted to spend the day with you. I thought it would be fun.” He points out with a pathetic sniffle. Were you a stronger woman you would have resisted the goofy smile that crosses your face, but alas, you are not. Still, you are a woman of reason and if Jin is taking you out on something that closely resembles an actual date, something is very, very wrong.

“Are you dying?” You ask him, unable to keep the concern from your voice.

“What? No! Why would you even ask that?” Jin asks and the outrage in his voice is so straining that he breaks into another coughing fit.

“Because you’re exhibiting very unusual behaviour. Whatever it is you need to tell me must be very scary, very bad news.” You tell him solemnly.

Jin watches you incredulously for a long moment like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing.

“Wait... I thought we were just playing dumb to keep the surprise up, but... Do you actually have no idea what I wanted to tell you?” He asks, and there is a surprisingly amount of horror in his voice. “Please tell me you’re not really that dense-“

“Jin,” you cut him off, a little offended, but he continues on, undeterred.

“You mean this wasn’t just us playing around? You were just gonna keep pretending that you aren’t in love with me?” He asks and your eyes go wide and your heart drops into your stomach.

“I-“ you begin but you don’t know how to continue the sentence considering you suddenly feel like the ground is crumbling beneath you. “How long have you-“

“A long time! I’ve been pretending not to know but it’s honestly exhausting and we could’ve been dating right now if you weren’t so dense!” He complains.

...

...what?

“We could be... dating?” You echo, sounding out the words like they are a foreign language and they might as well have been. This is not the direction you anticipated this conversation going in.

“Yes! That’s what I wanted to tell you! And I had this whole wonderful date planned and it was going to be amazing and romantic and I was going to make it official but then I woke up with a stupid cold this morning and I-“ He rants but your brain is clearly working at a slower rate than his.

“Does this mean... you like me?” You interrupt incredulously. Jin just gapes at you.

“Unbelievable!” He cries accusingly. “I knew you were dense but I didn’t know you were that dense.”

When you show no signs of comprehension or higher brain function he continues his rant.

“Yes I like you! I know I should have made the first move months ago and look, that’s on me for being a coward, but I also thought you knew how I felt and were just waiting for me to make a decision! I know you have the emotional processing capacity of a toddler but still! I was not subtle by any means!” He laments, and your face flushes red. He pauses upon seeing your furious expression.

Unexpectedly, he grins.

“What?” You snap, and his grin widens.

“Nothing. You’re just cute. Of course you would get mad over me calling you dense and complete miss the fact that I’m literally asking you out.” He says with a chuckle which turns into an unattractive sneeze. “A romantic date wouldn’t have suited us anyway. What do you say, (Y/N)? Be my girlfriend?” He sniffles in an attempt to maintain his dignity.

And honestly, if you didn’t have it so bad for him you would have just said no to spite him but you don’t want to take the risk. Not when being his girlfriend is something you’ve wanted for so long. Yes, maybe you get insecure because he is just as nice to others as he is to you, and maybe you don’t know where you stand with him sometimes, just like his ex did. And yes maybe the way he’s asked you out is a touch obnoxious. But you like him. You like him so much it hurts sometimes. You like that he wakes up early to make Yoongi breakfast and you like how he keeps sugar free sweets stored in his pantry for you and you like that Hoseok’s girlfriend could call him for a lift when Hoseok’s car broke down and he was out of the country. You like Jin, and you absolutely want to be his girlfriend. You turn your head towards him, realising you have yet to answer his question, only to find him staring at you with the most peculiarly soft expression on his face.

“(Y/N)?” He prompts gently, still anxiously awaiting your answer.

You turn your face away because you can’t bear to make eye contact as you say the words.

“Only if you promise to take me on a real date, not one where we sit in the dentist’s office while Hobi gets a root canal.”

“Deal.” Is his answer and then he promptly breaks into a coughing fit.

[mcrmadness]

CW talking about teeth and dental stuff and dentists:

I hate this. My whole mouth has been acting funny for several days now and I no longer know what is causing it and I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown because of sensory overload.

For one day it was actually painful but now it’s more like just this tickling feeling in the gums, especially on the left side and I don’t know if it’s that one broken tooth that has been sitting there with a temporary patch for maybe 2 years that is acting out now - it was the one that caused the pain a few days ago and it’s still a bit sore when brushing my teeth, but now it feels more like it would be the teeth in my lower jaw. And it’s driving me nuts because causing there a little bit of “pain” makes it feel better but when I stop, it just starts itching ever more but it also gets better if I avoid grinding my teeth together. Before I used to take cold water or something in my mouth and let it hit all my teeth so that cold liquid caused enough sensations to the mouth that after acheing it felt actually okay. But now I don’t want to do that because lately it’s been very sensitive for cold and that’s not fun...

I also hope I don’t have wisdom teeth in my lower jaw at all because the dentist before told me that she also hopes I don’t have them because they would not fit into my mouth at all. I already have the upper wisdom teeth out and they fit there just fine so I’ve never had to have anything done to them. Originally I thought this is again because some tooth is changing its posture because this is not the first time I’m feeling like this, but I honestly don’t know what is the root of this anymore.

That one tooth with the temporary patch... the last time I got two options: root canal therapy, or removing the tooth. I have never had teeth removed so it freaked me out and I eventually decided I want root canal therapy done instead, and they already started it and was meant to go back eventually, but because I am terrified of dentists and other medical proceduries, I just... moved on. The pain disappeared soon after so I’ve just been living with the temporary patch and have been mainly using the right side of my mouth for eating. But honestly I started that already in 2017 or something when that one tooth was starting to get painful while eating and I did nothing until it broke, and after that it no longer was painful so I just kept going until it started to be really painful and I needed to visit a dentist for the first time after 10 years.

And now because it’s again been 2 years, I’m just so terrified of going back to a dentist which is why I’m anxious because if this won’t go away on its own, I might have to go to a dentist soon. And because of my anxiety, I can only visit a private dentist and that shit is expensive. Which is another reason why I don’t want to go there - I don’t have the money! But I need a dentist who can treat patients with anxiety, and for some reason I don’t trust the “regular doctors” with this.

I’m also having anxiety towards what I might hear. That has always been my biggest fear with dental stuff. I easily get panic attacks over “bad news”, especially when they are something to do with physical health and I easily just... it’s my dissociation and the fact I just feel so exhausted over the fact I have a body that I cannot control and that does whatever it wants no matter how well I would try to take care of it. I brush my teeth twice a day but having dental caries feels like I have failed in life. It felt like the end of the world would have happened when I was told the broken tooth might have to be removed. Me? My teeth? What on earth??? I want to keep all my teeth, even if they would be just partial. I don’t really want to end up like my mom who has already lost maybe half of her teeth because they’ve been breaking and we don’t have money for getting teeth implants because those are not what the social security stuff will pay for in Finland.

I already feel so baffled over the fact I have blood running in my veins under my skin. It’s just one of these “seems fake but okay” things. Already at school I was stressing over dentist appointments so often and we had them for free like... a few times a year? I had them more often because I had also braces etc. at some point. I actually wanted them. I never had caries back then so when I was then once told that I started to have caries, I just felt so terrible and that’s why I never went back to a dentist for 10 years until my mouth got so painful it was the only thing I could do anymore.

I know I probably should get this one tooth fixed sooner or later + maybe get some of the new caries spots covered as well. We already did the worst ones a few years ago so my life has been much easier (and teeth much nicer looking) after that but it’s just. Something I hope could be done once and I’d have to never go back again. But it doesn’t go like that and that’s what makes me feel almost depressed. Some times I even ask myself why did I get teeth to begin with if they will rot away no matter how much I would take care of them. It’s just not fair!

I wish I could go to sleep and just not feel my teeth now but I’m not tired, I can’t sleep now. I guess I’ll try to go to draw then instead. Hyperfocus is kinda useful with that - I can even draw and not feel a migraine headache so it’s a perfect distraction for this teeth stuff as well. If I can just focus on anything because I’m not feeling it 110% right now...