#and then finally i could bring some joy. closure. and theyd cry maybe but soon theyd realize what a relief its been
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i wish i had a choice. i wish i could rot. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. why cant it ever be my choice
#i dont want to live if i cant choose to stop#there is nothing more of me left of me for me to offer i am unkind and unholy and rotten#and ive bitten so many so few stick around to say otherwise#im stuck. stuck in a body i didnt ask for with people no longer beholden to me#if it were just me in my body i would have killed myself by now as a kindness#there is nothing kind about me staying alive. this is a cruelty. my death would be a gift and yet its refused#they would move on. already i know i will not stay in their hearts not kindly not fondly#ive left a horrible imprint on the world. nothing but harm#i dont want to hurt anyone anymore but my teeth are sharp and my claws forever out#it would be better then to rip it all out and leave myself to bleed from my filthy mouth and cruel used up hands#my life is tragedy upon tragedy and there is no end in sight. i am not allowed to make my own#whose to say that suicide is morally wrong#living like this is wrong. forcing me to live is wrong. i dont want this life anymore#i want this tragedy to be over. the cycle finally broken#if i am to be ugly throughout my whole life grant me the one wish to be pretty upon my deathbed#maybe they will do my hair and quirk my lips up into a smile and do my makeup so i am soft and loveable and holy#and then finally i could bring some joy. closure. and theyd cry maybe but soon theyd realize what a relief its been
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