#there is nothing kind about me staying alive. this is a cruelty. my death would be a gift and yet its refused

[parasiticallamb]

i wish i had a choice. i wish i could rot. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. why cant it ever be my choice

[vvxmx]

My take on Till and some things about him which i observed because i don't think i can emotionally recover after R6 (Ivan is alive guys i swear)

(mind you, this is MY personal interpretation, perhaps also a bit of me being delusional (also Till is my baby))

From what i have observed, Till was treated really badly by the aliens compared to the others, even in the flashback to when Till saw Ivan for the first time in the R6 mv, you can see in the backround that on Till's glass cage thing there are signs that say that he is being sold for 50% off, to stay away, not to touch etc. He also has the muzzle thing ,which i assume prevents him from speaking, which none of the other Alien Stage members (of those that we have seen) had.

It is also shown that he was quite abused by his Alien guardian, who possibly just saw Till as a sort of lab rat (Till's rebelion probably didnt help the abuse/torture). So how i see it is that Till is simply very traumatized, and his thought process and the way he acts is probably reflecting that in some way.

Compared to him, the others were treated significantly better (from what was shown atleast) . While Ivan and Sua weren't treated particularly well, they wer simply seen as a sort of pet, perhaps like a house cat for the aliens, unlike the lab rat treatment Till got. Sua was like a little dress up doll to her alien guardia, and Ivan was just a peaceful thing for his.

Mizi on the other hand was innocent, she was relativley cared for by her alien guardian, and therefore remained pure and angelic is a sense.

I belive that Till's crush on Mizi came from a sort of need to cling onto something that was as far away from his trauma. He saw Mizi as a sort of pure angel who wasn't touched by the cruelty of the world (which was a true observation), someone who could perhaps be his savior. We can see this because any time Till remembers her, he thinks of the sweet child version of her. And that is also why he was so utterly crushed and perhaps in denial, looking at her after R1, and escpecially after R5.

And in the flashback of R6 when he imagined her, he didn't see her as she is now, insted he saw the bright child version of her, the version that was furthest away from his abuse and trauma, extending his hand to him as a sort of savior angel. He is very deeply attached to this image that he created of her to perhaps cope in some way with the abuse, and the fact that she changed, escpecially after seeing her in R5.

.

In R6, i suspect that he thought that he was going to lose, and probably accepted it. He was going against Ivan after all, and Ivan is perfect, and he is more liked by the audience. So i belive that Till simply accepted death by the time R6 begun. In R6 he is alot more... Depressed? His vocals are raw and full of emotion, and his eyes look like those that have given up, escpecially once they finished, he was just looking downward as if accepting defeat, and as if he saw that coming.

That didn't happen though, and Ivan FUCKING KISSED HIM (sorry i will just never get of tht kiss). Now. When Ivan kissed him, Till is not in any way disgusted or angry(which is what Ivan perhaps thought Till was) , instead he looks confused, because he is, and that is his general reaction to things, his eyes look like he is searching for answers. Because i belive that Till probabky literally had no idea or thought that Ivan possibly loved him like that:

EXHIBIT A:

From what i have gathered from the mvs themselves and from official posts, is that Ivan is a quirky littley guy. He has weired quirks, and he can act and talk quite funny, so if Ivan tried to tell Till, or somehow allude to him that he likes him, Till would probably assume that it's just Ivan being Ivan, and think nothing of it.

This can be kinds seen in the scene in R6 when they were in the cafeteria place. When Ivan touched Till's cut, he was probably looking to make Till annoyed or mad, which would be Till's typical reaction. He was clearly annoyed at first, but then he saw that it was Ivan and kinda brushed it off, since its just Ivan, he is just a quirky little fella.

Therefore i belive that Till would shrug off any attempt as confession or flirting from Ivan.(Didnt seem like Ivan was doing that anyway)

EXHIBIT B:

Any show that Ivan loved him and not just being friends happened when Till was ither unconscious, or not paying attention/not looking.

Till is a silly little guy, but how is he supposed to know or assume when there is no proper communication happening?

( he could also have been to focused on Mizi to notice)

MY CONCLUSION!

I belive Till loved Ivan. Perhaps not in the way Ivan loved him, but he probabky loved him as a friend would, because they did spend like alot of time together.

I also belive that Ivantill can work out if they had proper COMMUNICATION, and if Till realized that his crush of Mizi was a way to try to escape his trauma and abuse and get something pure and innocent. ( I could also be very delusional )

Anyway, this is my interpretation of Till as a charecter. I do have alot more thoughts on him like his natural talent for music and composition, but my fingers are tired typing this out:)

( also i did not reread it so forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes:))) i just needed to vent a bit)

[queeenpersephone]

is writing a darklina fic with waiting for godot/rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead vibes a crazy idea? would anyone read it? like idea: after the battle in the last ep of s1, alina and aleksander wake together in the fold. they stay there because alina can't kill him yet and she's afraid that he'll try to control her once they're out of the fold and he no longer needs her little sphere of light to stay alive. they eventually talk about the futility of their situation. probably ends tragically.

anyways these are the vibes:

“Merzost is tearing through my body.”

“Is there a cure?”

“Not one that is known, I’m afraid. Once I leave here, that will not stop me from searching. There is much more I need to do.”

It’s the first time he’s talked of leaving.

“So there’s an end to this?” she says, ignoring the way he tells her that he’s dying. There’s nothing she can do about that. After all, she needs to work herself up to killing him. It seems pointless to wonder about his health.

“What is an end?” He muses. “Is it you killing me? Is it you, your precious Tracker dead at my feet, giving into me?”

“An end is one of us winning,” she offers.

He shakes his head. “If you win, you will still live for an eternity alone. I’ve lived that. It’s not an end. It’s endless, a torture worse than death. If I win, you will fight me until I break you. Then I will be alone until I can put you back together.”

Alina tries to muster up disgust for the way he speaks of suppressing her sense of self, but she can’t. Despite his actions with the Stag, she can’t picture what terrible things he would have to do to her to make her give up. That kind of cruelty would be on another level. Her brain says he’s capable, but her heart denies such claims. “If you break me, it won’t be like traveling through time,” she says instead of disputing his ability to hurt her. She does not want to know the intricacies of his future plans. Not when they concern how he will keep her at his side. “You can’t have the me that existed before I learned the truth. I don’t know what you’ll put together, but it won’t be me.”

“Perhaps not.” He sounds thoughtful.

“And if it is me, I’ll stab you to death in your sleep,” she adds. No pretenses. That is what they have agreed to in this mist of nothingness.

So what you are saying is that, if you exist, my death is nigh.”

Alina shrugs. “I think I was meant to kill you. I knew it when you killed the Stag.”

“And before the Stag?”

Alina just looks at him. Her gaze is unreadable. “I suppose we’ll never know.”

-

“Do you hate me?” He asks.

“No,” Alina says. She knows that much.

“But it’s not enough.”

“No,” she agrees. She is apologetic, which is a bit of a surprise. She doesn’t want to feel sorry for him, for them, but she does.

“And once we step out, we take our places.”

She doesn’t answer this time. It is a pointless question. Over the past long hours, they have asked enough of those.

He pauses. “Do you love me?” He whispers.

She takes his hand. “Will love save you?” She whispers back.

[very-grownup]

'Yes, I spent the evening yesterday with Cardinal Rospigliosi and they were speaking of some kind of stay of execution having been granted to one of the two condemned men.'

'To Andrea Rondolo?' asked Franz.

'No ...' the count replied casually. 'To the other ...' (he looked at the notebook as if to remind himself of the name) '... to Peppino, alias Rocca Priori. That means you will be denied a guillotining, but you still have the mazzolata, which is a very curious form of torture when you see it for the first time -- or even the second; while the other, which in any case you must know, is too simple, too unvaried. There is nothing unexpected in it. The mandaia makes no mistakes, its hand doesn't shake, it doesn't miss and it doesn't make thirty attempts before succeeding, like the soldier who beheaded the Comte de Chalais and who had perhaps been particularly chosen for this victim by Richelieu. Ah, come now,' said the count in a scornful tone, 'don't talk to me about Europeans where torture is concerned. They understand nothing about it. With them, cruelty is in its infancy -- or perhaps its old age.'

'Truly, Monsieur le Comte,' said Franz, 'anyone would think you had made a comparative study of executions in different parts of the world.'

'There are very few types at least that I have not seen,' the count replied coldly.

'Did it please you to witness these horrible spectacles?'

'My first feeling was repulsion, my second, indifference, and my third, curiosity.'

'Curiosity! The idea is terrible, isn't it?

'Why? There is only one serious matter to be considered in life, and that is death. So! Isn't it worth one's curiosity to study the different was that the soul may leave the body and how, according to the character, the temperament, or even the local customs of a country, individuals face up to that supreme journey from being to nothingness? As for me, I can assure you of one thing: the more you have seen others die, the easier it becomes to die oneself. So, in my opinion, death may be a torment, but it is not an expiation.'

'I am not sure that I understand,' said Franz. 'Please explain. I can't tell you how interested I am in what you say.'

'Listen,' said the count, his face flushing with the gall of hatred as another face might be coloured with blood. 'If a man had murdered your father, your mother, your mistress, or any of those beings who, when they are torn from your heart, leave an eternal void and a wound that can never be staunched, and if he had subjected them to unspeakable torture and endless torment, would you consider that society had accorded you sufficient reparation just because the blade of the guillotine had travelled between the base of the murderer's occipital and his trapezius muscles, and because the person who had caused you to feel years of moral suffering had experienced a few seconds of physical pain?'

'I know,' Franz said. 'Human justice is inadequate as a consolation: it can spill blood for blood, that's all. But one must only ask it for what is possible, not for anything more.'

'Moreover, the example that I gave you is a material one,' the count went on; 'one where society, attacked by the death of an individual among the mass of individuals which compose it, avenges that death by another. But are there not millions of sufferings which can rend the entrails of a man without society taking the slightest heed of them providing even the inadequate means of reparation that we spoke of just now? Are there not crimes for which impalement a la turque, or Persian burial alive, or the whips of the Iraqis would be too mild a torment, but which society in its indifference leaves unpunished? Answer me: are there no such crimes?'

'Yes,' Franz replied. 'It is precisely to punish them that we tolerate duelling.'

'Ah, duelling!' exclaimed the count. 'There's a fine way, I must say, to achieve one's end, when the end is vengeance! A man has stolen your mistress, a man has seduced your wife, a man has dishonoured your daughter. He has taken an entire life, a life that had the right to expect from God the share of happiness that He promises to every human being in creating us, and turned it into a mere existence of pain, misery and infamy; and you consider yourself revenged because you have run this man through with your sword or put a bullet in his head, after he has turned your mind to delirium and your heart to despair? Come, come! Even without considering that he is often the one who comes out of the contest on top, purged in the eyes of the world and in some respect pardoned by God ... No, no,' the count went on, 'if I ever had to take my revenge, that is not how I should do it.'

'You mean, you disapprove of duelling? You mean, you wouldn't fight a duel?' Albert asked, joining the conversation and astonished at hearing anyone express such an odd point of view.

'Oh, certainly!' said the count. 'Make no mistake: I should fight a duel for a trifle, an insult, a contradiction, a slap -- and all the more merrily for knowing that, thanks to the skill I have acquired in all physical exercises and long experience of danger, I should be more or less certain of killing my opponent. Oh, yes, indeed! I should fight a duel for any of these things; but in return for a slow, deep, infinite, eternal pain, I should return as nearly as possible a pain equivalent to the one inflicted on me. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, as they say in the East, those men who are the elect of creation, and who have learnt to make a life of dreams and a paradise of reality.'

'But, with such an outlook,' Franz told the count, 'which makes you judge and executioner in your own case, it would be hard for you to confine yourself to actions that would leave you forever immune to the power of the law. Hatred is blind and anger deaf: the one who pours himself a cup of vengeance is likely to drink a bitter draught.'

- The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

[edenmemes]

ghost of tsushima starters

❝ promise you’ll remain the good man i know. ❞   ❝ only fools have no fear of death. ❞   ❝ i am very much alive. but my patience is dying. ❞   ❝ i’ll make sure you are remembered. as a great warrior...a wise leader. ❞   ❝ the strength we need is all around us. ❞   ❝ the past cannot hurt you. ❞   ❝ this whole journey, and i never asked your name. ❞   ❝ fear drives you to be stronger. fight harder. ❞ ❝ sometimes...our only choice is to walk away from everything we know ❞ ❝ we do what we must. that is why you and i are both survivors. ❞ ❝ i can do good! i just...need practice. ❞ ❝ may your next life be more peaceful than this one. ❞ ❝ i knew it was too good to be true. ❞ ❝ i'll see what i can do. but if you’re lying to me... ❞ ❝ you’re too comfortable with that power. ❞ ❝ don’t ever try to kill me again. ❞ ❝ turn your back on a foe...and you will die with a sword stuck in it. ❞ ❝ youre not slipping away that easily. ❞ ❝ just stay closed. keep your sword sheathed. and let me do the talking. ❞ ❝ the things i saw still haunt my nightmares. ❞ ❝ i dont even know if you're real. ❞ ❝ victories don’t have to feel good. ❞   ❝ killing your own family...it’s harder than you could ever imagine. ❞   ❝ it’s safer for everyone if i just disappear. ❞   ❝ next time, leave some glory for the rest of us. ❞   ❝ peace doesn’t always come quietly. ❞   ❝ some people respond to kindness. others require a glimpse of steel. ❞ ❝ i am nothing if not honest. ❞ ❝ stop using people, and start thinking about how you can help them. ❞ ❝ you’ve had your vengeance. don’t stand in the way of mine. ❞ ❝ you don’t have to do it alone. ❞ ❝ not all words need to be spoken. ❞   ❝ there is time yet for revenge. i will savour their cries of pain when that time comes. ❞ ❝ i have learned to love the cool, damp dark. ❞ ❝ the last thing i saw was faces filled with hatred, rage... ❞ ❝ you didn’t think you'd get rid of me that easily, did you? ❞ ❝ we will celebrate when this is all over. ❞ ❝ what’s wrong with you? one moment we stand shoulder-to-shoulder, the next you’re ready to cross blades. ❞ ❝ a warrior learns from their mistakes, or they are buried by them. ❞ ❝ remember your training...and never leave my side. ❞ ❝ well...i guess this is goodbye. ❞ ❝ your visions will grow worse, driving you to madness and death. ❞ ❝ i can only pretend for so much longer. i’m not like these people and never will be. ❞ ❝ i loved you all my life, but i could never work up the courage to tell you. ❞ ❝ the proud do not last, and the mightiest of us perish like dust before the wind. ❞ ❝ you’re a vision of mercy. ❞ ❝ not bad, but only half-good. ❞ ❝ we make a good team, don’t we? ❞ ❝ an archer’s aim relies not on eyes...but on body, mind, and spirit. ❞ ❝ this is my fight. i don’t need your weapon. ❞ ❝ being right doesn’t always make things better. ❞ ❝ there is nothing easier than to prey upon the vanity of ambitious men. ❞ ❝ you weren’t looking so good. i let you rest. ❞ ❝ your intentions this time were...better than usual. ❞ ❝ what are you not telling me? ❞ ❝ trouble sticks to you like shit on rice. ❞ ❝ it’s strange being back after so many years...everywhere i look brings back memories. ❞ ❝ only a child expects perfection of their elders. ❞ ❝ when this is all over, what will you do? ❞ ❝ you are ruled by your emotion. ❞ ❝ is this how you want to be remembered? ❞ ❝ perhaps great men share all the aspects of their lessers, but more. great wisdom, but even greater cruelty. ❞ ❝ i cannot imagine the burden a leader like you must bear. ❞ ❝ our greatest enemies are the greatest teachers. ❞ ❝ death’s shadow embraces me. hand in hand we walk. ❞ ❝ breathe. you can’t fight if you hold your breath. ❞ ❝ i know you well enough by now, my friend. ❞ ❝ i can’t go back...to what i was. before this. ❞ ❝ i hope you one day forgive me for the choice i made. ❞ ❝ the wounds you dealt my spirit will never heal. ❞ ❝ why did you turn away from me? ❞ ❝ if you can keep moving forward, so can i. ❞ ❝ it’s a bad idea to sneak up on me. ❞ ❝ promise me something. don’t become like me. ❞ ❝ let me undo the damage i’ve done. ❞ ❝ ...and you want me to clean up your mess. ❞ ❝ the path ahead may take a lifetime, but i will walk it with you. always. ❞ ❝ whatever you believe i’ve become, i will always be your family. ❞ ❝ i wouldn’t be here without you. ❞ ❝ i’ll hunt you past the horizon if i must. ❞ ❝ can i count on you to do what needs to be done? ❞ ❝ that’s over now. you’re here. with me. ❞ ❝ i thought i’d lost you, i should’ve known you’d never give up. ❞ ❝ you can’t continue down this path. ❞ ❝ be careful. demons are everywhere and they fear nothing. ❞ ❝ corpses can’t answer questions. ❞ ❝ you deserve greater respect than this. ❞ ❝ it’s just like the stories my father told me. ❞ ❝ what you become tomorrow is your choice. ❞ ❝ just ask the last man who questioned my sincerity. you’ll find his head covered in flies out back. ❞ ❝ you shouldn’t have lied. i still would have helped you. ❞ ❝ we came this far. we’re not turning back now. ❞ ❝ how do we survive if we don’t trust each other? ❞ ❝ without my help, the fear and pain will overwhelm you. ❞ ❝ whatever happens, we don’t retreat. ❞ ❝ the stories are true. i’ve never seen anyone fight like you. ❞ ❝ see how the enemy fear you? you are a true warrior. ❞ ❝ you want to share a drink...with me? ❞ ❝ maybe you should’ve just ran away. like you always do. ❞ ❝ good people have nothing to fear from me. ❞ ❝ your promises are just like you. worthless. ❞ ❝ as you wish, since you asked so sweetly. ❞ ❝ i know better than to argue. ❞ ❝ i hope i can find quiet places like this one, untouched by war. ❞ ❝ we grew up together, but you threw it all away. ❞ ❝ it was so chaotic. i felt you grip my wrist and then nothing. ❞ ❝ desperation can bring out the demon in the best of men. ❞ ❝ i don’t want to leave without you, but...i can’t stay. i hope you understand. ❞ ❝ a grown man, and you still can barely sit still. ❞ ❝ and i heard you had no sense of humor! ❞ ❝ knowing and doing are different. ❞ ❝ trouble follows me everywhere. ❞ ❝ indulging violence weakens the warrior...like too much food or drink. ❞ ❝ i can always tell when you want to ask me something. out with it. ❞ ❝ i am proud to fight beside you. ❞ ❝ i didn’t nurse you back to health to watch you throw your life away. ❞ ❝ all i want...all i need is to start a new life. ❞ ❝ look twice and shoot once. ❞ ❝ i think they’re afraid of you. you can be...intimidating.. ❞ ❝ you don’t even try to hear me. it’s like talking to a stone. ❞ ❝ so you try to kill me? have you lost your mind? ❞ ❝ you’ve sacrificed everything. for revenge. ❞ ❝ we can’t let anger consume us. or blind us to our friends. ❞ ❝ there is only one way this ends. ❞ ❝ i gave you everything. and you threw it away. ❞ ❝ do not question my integrity again. ❞ ❝ your father would be proud. ❞ ❝ the worst one can do is take advantage of their own people. ❞ ❝ you follow trouble. you should ask yourself why.  ❞ ❝ some of my favourite memories happened at this place. ❞ ❝ i told you this was a bad idea! ❞ ❝ keep fighting. we need people like you. ❞ ❝ are you the one who finally kills me? ❞ ❝ a warrior’s most important weapon is themself. lose control, and you risk defeat. ❞ ❝ first, get some rest. this is killing you. ❞ ❝ see that? i told you. there’s always hope. ❞ ❝ i hope the skills i gained through hardship can be of use to the people here. ❞ ❝ you have skill...but you nearly died rushing into battle. ❞ ❝ in the midst of battle, true leaders must stay rooted, stand firm. ❞ ❝ every time i get in a mess like this, i’m as scared as the time before. ❞ ❝ don’t be the next to disappoint me. ❞ ❝ save what we can, but know that everything passes away. ❞ ❝ i hope you understand, this is just a job. ❞ ❝ that’s a sad way to look at the world. ❞ ❝ seeing you like that...i’m still shaken up. ❞ ❝ sit with me a moment. ❞ ❝ doubt and indecision have destroyed armies. ❞ ❝ it’s so painful to...see you weighed down by sadness. ❞ ❝ on the slim chance some good comes of this...lead the way. ❞ ❝ you fought well, but we’re finished. ❞ ❝ the warrior’s mind is quiet but alive, like rustling bamboo. ❞ ❝ i’ve trained with a blade since i could walk. ❞ ❝ the visions...they’re still happening. ❞ ❝ in our world, being intimidating isn’t a bad thing. ❞ ❝ you have a talent. it’s time you use it, for the sake of our land. ❞ ❝ i've tried to teach you all i know...but you act more like a poet than a warrior. ❞ ❝ your path leads to madness and death. ❞ ❝ that’s twice you saved my life. ❞ ❝ these people stay because they believe in you. ❞ ❝ i didn’t choose this life. it was my only option. ❞ ❝ you came at me like i was your mortal enemy. almost broke my arm! ❞ ❝ i could use your help...in the fight ahead. ❞ ❝ you can be a little rough, but you have a good heart. ❞ ❝ i don’t want to kill you, stop! ❞ ❝ what’s wrong? afraid i’ll get more famous than you? ❞ ❝ war brings out who we truly are. ❞ ❝ take care where you place your faith. ❞ ❝ you seem lost in thought. ❞ ❝ i was getting tired of waiting for you. ❞ ❝ without my wisdom, you will lose your soul to madness. ❞ ❝ peace is an unattainable dream...but a dream worth fighting for. ❞ ❝ i’ve killed a thousand men. every death was sweet. ❞ ❝ what is the point of prayer when we are doomed? ❞ ❝ you’re like your father in more ways than you know. ❞ ❝ if you want my respect, earn it. ❞ ❝ and how many wars have you fought? ❞ ❝ you’re quite the butcher with that sword. ❞ ❝ people who sow chaos must be punished. ❞ ❝ i can’t help but wonder if you enjoy the violence. ❞ ❝ i kill only to protect our people. i think about that every time i reach for my sword. ❞ ❝ i'm sorry if my lack of skill offends. ❞ ❝ it’s the first time in days i haven’t felt like i was about to die. ❞ ❝ you fought like an animal...or a demon! ❞ ❝ there’s nothing more painful to me than a perfect bow...ineptly used. ❞ ❝ victory is won by warriors, not weapons. ❞ ❝ i couldn’t leave you to die. ❞ ❝ i made my choices. even knowing what they’ve cost me, i’d make them again. ❞ ❝ when’s the last time you slept or ate? ❞ ❝ you don’t get to give up. this land needs you. ❞ ❝ oh you pretend we are different, but we fight for the same thing. ❞ ❝ there are still places of beauty to remind us of what truly matters. ❞ ❝ true mastery begins where individual ego ends. ❞ ❝ a warrior faces danger with courage and resolve. this is how they endure. ❞ ❝ those stories...they're not entirely true. ❞ ❝ even the youngest warrior needs a full belly and a rested sword-arm. ❞ ❝ bad men are good at hiding their true natures. ❞ ❝ there is nothing left for me here. my hope is lost. ❞ ❝ i did what i had to. for you. ❞ ❝ forgive my manners. i spent all my time alone. ❞ ❝ is that any way to greet a visitor? ❞ ❝ if you continue down this path...you’ll be no better than the enemy. ❞ ❝ i am grateful for the times we share...but, i always want more. ❞ ❝ you lived your life in a castle. it made you soft. ❞ ❝ i used to know what i fought for... ❞ ❝ face them as a warrior with honour. not a monster. ❞ ❝ i don’t take lives, but i am not a coward. ❞ ❝ i wonder if i’ve crossed a line. ❞ ❝ you can’t expect everyone to understand what you’re doing, or why. ❞ ❝ your methods were brutal...impulsive...without honour. ❞ ❝ there’s plenty to fear without worrying about folktales. ❞ ❝ i hope you’ll find peace again soon. ❞ ❝ you do what you need to survive. and yet you despise others for doing the same. ❞ ❝ is that your excuse? your reason to kill? ❞ ❝ we have to keep pushing. even if it costs us our lives. ❞ ❝ cowards without honour deserve no mercy. ❞ ❝ i’ll fight beside you until the end. ❞ ❝ whatever happens, your forgiveness won’t change who i am. ❞ ❝ why should we settle for scraps when we deserve to be legends? ❞ ❝ only cowards strike from the shadows. ❞ ❝ the proud do not endure. the greatest of us fall in the end. ❞ ❝ perhaps some good will come of this. ❞   ❝ you will see nothing but death to the end of your days. ❞ ❝ legacy is more than a name. ❞ ❝ im sorry. i know what it means to lose family. ❞ ❝ one day we'll escape the endless wheel of suffering. ❞ ❝ is that a 'thank you'? ❞ ❝ i know what it means to be hunted. ❞ ❝ you personify fury and regret. ❞ ❝ that's all right. i want to hear you dig your own grave. ❞ ❝ either way, we’ve got nothing to lose. ❞ ❝ i’ve done what i can. the rest is up to you. ❞ ❝ forgive me, but you look fatigued. have you endured much hardship? ❞    ❝ i hope you find true honour in your next life. ❞ ❝ you deserve nothing less than death. ❞ ❝ this is foolish. surrender, and you can live. ❞ ❝ i too have pride in family. and i know what it’s like to live in their shadow. ❞ ❝ you were gone so long, i knew you were in trouble. ❞ ❝ so many of us here owe you our lives. ❞ ❝ what's wrong? what did they do to you? ❞   ❝ you’re lucky to be alive. ❞ ❝ i know your language. your traditions. your beliefs. which village to tame and which to burn. ❞   ❝ i cannot lose you again. ❞   ❝ i don’t seek revenge. but i will fight for peace. ❞   ❝ we will meet again soon. until then...travel safely. ❞   ❝ this is war --- not a test. ❞ ❝ we can save our home together. it doesn’t have to be like this. ❞ ❝ fear is a weapon. don’t let them use it against you. ❞

[anar-k3y]

Yandere Cross alphabet-

Cross as a yandere, but my headcanons

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Cross is incredibly touch starved, he waiter so Long to hold you.. Do you really think he plans to let you leave so soon?

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Very. He doesn't want to lose another person he cares for, even if it means things get a little messy

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He doesn't consider ir abduction, he just wants to keep you safe. There's nothing for him to mock

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

He will force you into many types if affection, (nothing sexual), if his love refuses to eat, drink, ect, he will force them to stay alive and clos to himself

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Everything goes to his love. Cross loves his darling more then anything.. And he's very open about that

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He'd be extremely upset, why would they fight him..? He loves his darling! They're safer with him!

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

He was originally very angry at you attempting to escape but it slowly turned into a game, sokn Cross found it amusing at the sad attempts for escaping, better to get it out your system sooner rather then later

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

Being unable to leave. He would constantly remind their darling of who they lost 'things are so much better without ____!' is something he would say all the while cuddling you

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He just wants his love to stop hating him so much, wanting them with his as much as possible.. So they can't leave and they're finally happy together

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He gets incredibly jealous. Cross lashes out at whatever made him jealous an then turns to his darling and is like 'can we go cuddle now? Please? ' with puppy eyes

Eventually he slightly learns to deal with his jealousy.. But most people still end up dead.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

He's the sweetest, he'll give massages and Cuddles, he's willing to do anything with his darling as long as they don't leave

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He acts a lot like a teenager, the stuttering 'would you Like to go out with me..? ' or a yes or no note, except 'no' isn't an answer

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else

Around his darling he is incredibly sweet and a golden Retriever of a lover, but around everyone else he is entirely stoic, blank.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Basement. Their darling will be trapped in the basement until he thinks they’re ready to be allowed out

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

He tries to keep his love the same, they stay a person, he loves them.. but they just can’t leave him..

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Very. He’s willing to wait forever for them to feel the same

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

No, Cross isn’t one for accepting death or an escape, he can’t have that.. he obsessively tries to find a way to get his darling back

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Not at all, he feels it’s better having them so close, he can look after them now! But.. he does feel guilt for killing for them, the death put so much stress in his darling

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

From his au, he has this want for control, and he finally found a way to control and make himself happy with someone

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Hurt, he doesn’t want his darling to be upset, he wants they to be happy

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Cross cares, and he did the best he could to keep people around, and he does genuinely try to keep a stable, healthy relationship, with others around

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

He is very naive, if you had his trust you could probably go out to the shops without him and.. escape, but that’s useless, he can always find you

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Yes. Most likely during a jealous rage he would hurt his darling, he didn’t mean too! He didn’t want to hurt them!

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

He loves his darling. He loves them so, so much.. he does everything he can for them, they’re perfect, how they walk, talk.. it makes him feel like he’s looking at a god/goddess

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Years. He’s so patient with his darling, he waits nearly a decade before he snaps and just takes them for himself

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Yes, he would. After waiting long enough he will break them down.

[livingalifeofasimp]

Heyhey! I don’t know if I already requested this, and if I did I’m sorry I forgot. But I was wondering if you could write a yandere childe x reader where the reader has been abused. So when he kidnapps her the darling is kinda willing since she feels safe with him? What would childe do to her abuser? Thank you for your time :>

��� Yandere Childe x Reader ♚

Thank you for your patience ❤️

Disclaimer : This content contains Yandere themes, if you are sensitive please refrain yourself from reading it. It's purely for entertainment purpose, arts are not mine credit to their respective owners.

❤️Childe interest sparkled in you probably when he saw you being nice and kind to everyone, how you made everyone happy. Always willing to give your helping hand to anyone who needs it, like the way you smile at people and try to make them feel comfortable. Childe wondered can someone actually be this good? Either way he wanted to talked to you. "I see a pretty lady here, wanna fight I can't seems to find anyone here and you don't have any company", you were surprised when a strange guy suddenly appeared and challenge you. Without wasting anytime you ran away feeling overwhelmed leaving Childe shocked "I just wanted to talk".

❤️As you were walking home after being tired from work wanting nothing more than to jump on your comfortable bed, you saw the same guy leaning against the wall, his eyes wandering around  in the ocean of people ,not wanting to get caughted by him you slowly turned your head and started walking away. After covering safe distance, you inverted your eyes to where the previous stranger was standing but he wasn't there, good grief then suddenly you felt someone behind you whispering in your ears "I bet you are looking for me", flinching you turned around scared, seeing you so afraid of him, Childe quickly apologized "Oh forgive me I shouldn't have appeared like this", "Ah no it's alright", as polite as ever Childe thought smiling. "How about a drink? my treat", and waited for your permission to hold your hands.

❤️"Oi your are late", Childe flicked your forehead, holding your head you answered breathing unevenly "I am so sorry, I just got so busy, I won't be late next time", you nervously laughed as Childe got annoyed with all those people who take advantage of your kindness. He pated your head and walked towards the table since you both decided to have dinner together tonight. You passed a dish towards Childe "Ain't you spoiling me", "No way I know that's your favorite", showing you his infamous smile he holded your hand with his two "I don't even know what I will do without", your laugh and Childe's favorite moment was ended by a guy who intruped in between.

❤️"Hey Y/N what are you doing here? you promised me to help with my work", as you tried to recall you heard Childe growling. "How about you do your own work, you got your own hands right? Or should I cut them off" something in Childe's voice warned the guy to not bother you again if he don't want to die. "Childe why did you do that?" You stood up to ran after him only to be pulled back by Childe. "Why are you going behind him? Why are you so good to people even though they do bad to you, I don't like him I know I shouldn't ask you such but I just don't want you to get hurt and that guy he is so fishy". Sighing you sat down again, maybe you need some free time "Alright", his smile changed the dark aura from surrounding to brighter ones. Not caring about the world and pressure to impress people feels good at least with Childe you can be how you really are he never judges you, even tho he can be jerk sometimes.

❤️While collecting some flowers Childe thought about you oh how happy would you be to see the flowers he is gonna bring to you. Near your house he saw a different guy flirting with you. Even if it was just a normal talk Childe was afraid that they would try to take you away since you are so good, caring and comforting people with your presence. Of course everyone will try to take you away but they will never know how to take care of you like he does. You are so pretty and caring such an angel that one of kind a girl who is perfect for him. Childe's last string to sanity was cut off when he saw them making you laugh, his jealousy and possessiveness clouding his decision. You are his, he only wants to be the only you love, imagining you with someone else burns his heart making him want to to go insane, the obsession and love he have for you made him take you away from the selfish world he is confident he can take care of you and your interests.

❤️You woke up finding yourself into a room that is decorated with all the expensive items whatever it is, this isn't your room panic rised in you chest as you jumped down the bed knocking on the door with all your force. On hearing the noise Childe unlocked the room, he realized that you calmed down after seeing his face, fluttered his heart "Child you are here, did I passed out anyways thank you so much for helping me", you said passing through him when you felt yourself being lifted up by strong arms and gently putting you in bed.

❤️"Y/N stay here", "Childe I appreciate this but I need to go I think I am good now", he pinned your hands on bed. "You are going to stay here and that's what I have decided", Childe said with his low voice binding your wrist to the chain attached to the bed post. You clearly were confused is this some kind of prank, he is capable of doing that. Your watched his movement, stroking your cheeks "How happy I am, you don't know", everything about him felt sick and foreign something is definitely wrong. "Re-remove this chain, why isn't it coming out? You said stuttering trying to remove chains."Childe its wrong don't do this".

❤️After rejecting Childe for almost a week you realized that he gives you all the love and affection one desires. He provided you with everything that you needed making you feel protected and happy, you were allowed to roam inside resident that he owned sometimes Childe does get paranoid but finds you in garden admiring the flowers. It was everything Childe ever wanted, he was the best he could ever ask for in his life, when he realized his darling loves him back and returns his hugs and kisses it's makes him smile like a happy toddler. He opened the doors of your room only to find you crying frustratedly did you had a nightmare? He rushed towards your curled up form, to comfort you and to protect you from them. He asked you what could possibly make you feel like this?

❤️ Instead you cried even more seeing you in this form made him really sad. Childe hugged you, letting you crying on his shoulder while his hands ran through your hair. He pated your back softly making you feel calm and forced you into telling him everything. Childe's face turned pale how can someone hurt you this bad? Marks on you skin he failed to realize it was given by your abuser? How could someone-? They are wishing for death ain't they and now it's going to be granted. His gorgeous s/o was hurt by them, they are going to taste cruelty, he wondered if he should skin them alive or kill them slowly. Childe's attention shifted on you, you were crying he wiped your tears "I am always here for you no one can harm you or else they will not go unharmed you will always be protected my love", he kissed your forehead slowly tugging you back in bed. You holded his hands close to your face and he hummed you a soft song filling you with positive yet comforting affirmations. 

❤️It took Childe no time to find those jerks who hurt his s/o due to his connection and a sweet tongue someone will die a brutal death tonight, after wiping their disgusting blood off his face. Childe smiled now his darling can sleep peacefully, she must be waiting for him. He felt happy truly.

[roger-that-cap]

all the flowers will bloom

happy birthday to me- and what’s mine is yours so here’s your present y’all! i hope y’all like this one- 

summary: you would have never tried to leave your mother if you knew that bringing that pomegranate tree back to life was your ticket to the underworld. or, maybe you would have, because it turned out that hades was quite the opposite of the evil goddess that you had been drilled to know.

warnings: HA

word count: 3.6k

this is part- damn what part is this- five!!

You knew what a kiss was. Of course you knew what a kiss was, but there was something about what you and Natasha shared that made it feel like much more than what you had seen. You had seen many people kiss before, humans and gods alike, and rarely did they ever seem half as entranced by the action as you were. To be frank, you could have sworn that your soul- if you even had one- was floating while she kissed you. And it was still sort of floating. 

 The thoughts of whether or not you had betrayed everything you had been told ever since you were alive were going strong. You betrayed your mother, your own mind, all of the other gods above who were wary of her. You, everyone’s favorite young goddess, had done the unthinkable and kissed the Goddess of the Underworld. If they heard of what you had done, would they even want you back? You had purposely danced with death, put your lips on it, and if you were to be completely honest with yourself, fallen for it. 

You wanted to hit yourself after that thought. She wasn’t just death. It wasn’t fair to call her that, even in the privacy of your head. It wasn’t fair for them to see her that way, either, but that was the way that the world worked. She was powerful and dark and lived in a place where no one wanted to be, therefore, everyone naturally shied away from her. Most were more afraid than hateful, but of course your mother was the exception. And suddenly, you knew that everyone else wouldn’t be a problem. Once they realized that she was actually very kind to you throughout your stay, they would take you back. But your mother would never accept that. She would call you weak in the mind, tell you that you were imagining acts and words of kindness that weren’t really there. She would never grasp the fact that Natasha could be kind. 

Well, she wasn’t being the nicest at the moment. Every time she saw you, she would turn right around and walk so far in the opposite direction that you couldn't even make out her red hair. You would sometimes see her poke her head around the corner and then retreat so quickly that it scared you sometimes. If she got to your garden before you did, you would see her with her back to you, staring hardcore at your beds of flowers until she felt you coming, your energy no doubt tangling with hers. And then she would leave without a word. 

At first, you let her be. You figured that she was having the same exact feelings you were- a lot of things rolled up together just for a singular, bold emotion to come up front: uncertainty. You knew that she felt the same way that you did. When you kissed, there was something that fell into place, something so pure and right that it was nearly impossible to ignore it. You know she felt it, and she knew you did, too. You knew she wasn’t ignoring you because she didn’t feel for you. She was ignoring you because she was scared. And so were you. 

The garden was more than halfway done. You had gotten most of the plants strong enough to live without you, to the point  where you weren’t worried about them dying once you left. The soil was even stronger than the stems of your plants, supportive and ready to nurture. Every toxin that your mother put in the soil had been removed by you, and you had no doubt that if you worked day and night, that you could be released from the Underworld within a fortnight. Weeks ago, that would have been a glorious thought. It would have been everything you wanted to hear, your ticket to paradise. Now? It sounded almost like a death sentence. You didn’t want to leave. 

 You wanted to see your mother. You wanted to feel her dote on you and you even wanted to hear her scold you. You wanted to see the nymphs. You wanted to see Steve and your plants above ground. You wanted to watch the humans fool around and talk worry about things that were nothing in the grand scheme of things. You couldn’t do that from the Underworld. But you couldn’t see Natasha from above. 

 You knew that one you left, there was no going back. Your mother was going to have you on a leash so tight and short that she would never lose sight of the back of your head. She was probably going to demand that the cave and tree be demolished and that whatever portal sat under it be destroyed. She was going to make sure that you were miles away from Natasha and her world at all times, maybe even make you stay on the mountain. She was going to tug you away by your arm, nails digging into your skin like you were a child all over again, and then that would be it. And all you would have left of the queen would be memories. And you would have to live with it. 

Yet with every second that passed, you were less and less sure that you were going to be okay with that. 

Even before the night where you kissed, you knew that there was something different about her. Something different about the way you felt when you were with her, even. She wasn’t what you expected, which led you to curiosity. Your curiosity was one of your most famous traits, and of course, and that led to you wanting to know her more. The more that you got what you wanted, the more that you fell for her, irreversibly. You knew that you were beginning to feel something otherworldly with her. You couldn't ignore it. 

That was what got you standing up from a little patch in the ground that you had already set aside in your mind for a few peonies. You had it committed to memory, and you whispered a little promise to the life beneath you that you would be back. 

 You were walking so quickly and with such purpose that your sage green dress moved with your steps. Your eyes narrowed as you walked through the halls, seeing a few straggling souls roaming around without a care, not even looking twice at you. You were so intent on making it to Natasha’s room, the only place besides her dismal office that she could be, that you din;t hear someone else’s footsteps coming your way. 

  You stumbled backwards when you collided with someone, a soft grunt escaping your lips as you hit the wall with your arm. “I wasn’t- oh. What are you doing here?” 

 You blinked at the women in front of you and tilted your head to the side. She was painfully familiar, and so was her voice. But you felt like you had heard it in a more urgent setting- “Are you the woman who saved me earlier? From eating breakfast?” 

  “Just doing a civic duty to the living,” she admitted, shrugging her shoulders. “Or, the half-living. Whatever you gods classify as.” 

  “Well, thank you.” Although, a moment of insanity occurred in your mind, and in that moment, you swore that eating that full tart and being obliged to stay wouldn't be so bad. There would be no debate. You shook your head and cleared your throat. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name.” 

  “It’s Maria.” She looked you up and down. “You’re the gardener?” 

You furrowed your brows at her and then looked down at your attire, a lively yet muted green that reminded you of watered grass, and then remembered how harshly Natasha had barked your name when she thought you had eaten. Your name and occupation was all too obvious. “Y-yeah, kind of.” 

“I wasn’t focused on who you were when I was saving your life,” she admitted, and then you nodded your head. “It kind of only hit me afterwards.” She looked you up and down, and you crossed your arms over your body out of insecurity. “When I was a human, your mother used to be my favorite.” 

Your eyes widened a bit, and your defensive posture left you immediately. “Really?” It was known that humans weren’t supposed to have favorite gods. Gods, no matter how much they said they weren’t were selfish and they loved to be adored by humans. Old gods, especially. They were used to being seen as doting yet punishing creatures, with egos so fragile yet large that they took up entire seas and skies. You were never one to care, but knowing that a human freely admitted their favoritism still shocked you. Even if it was your mother who was her favorite. “Why?” 

 “I used to farm,” the woman said, and you immediately caught the whimsical nature of her tone, and the way her eyes nearly glassed over, like she was thinking about something so sweet yet so far away. “I had my own farm, just me. I prayed to her for good seasons, for good crops, depended on her more than I ever did any human. And I was loyal. My devotion was paid back in full, every season. She always looked out for me, being a woman on my own farm.” 

It sounded like your mother. She was a strong woman who supported other strong women, and when she saw someone who was loyal to her and a true follower, she would bless them. Her occasional cruelty was spoken about almost more than her kindness, but you knew that both of her hands were just and firm. She was just as warm as she was cold. This woman seemed to have gotten her warmth. 

“My name is Maria,” she finally said, and then you nodded and mouthed her name, trying to commit it to memory so that you could ask your mother all about her when you returned. The thought put excitement and dread in your stomach. “Are you looking for the Queen?” You nodded slowly, and then a smirk spread across her face. “Yeah, she’s looking for you, too.” Before you could show any confusion, she turned around the corner with a wave of her hand and then you were following her. 

While you walked a few paces behind her, you couldn’t help but think about her story. Who was she before this? How alive was she really? Had the Underworld dimmed her or was she unaffected by it? She still seemed to have a confident bounce in her walk that only belonged to humans, the only living being who weren’t completely aware of how much and how little life really meant. Only a human could walk with so much confidence. Gods knew better- they knew it was a cycle and that they weren’t the only ones in it, contrary to popular belief. But a human might as well have been the star of their very own orbital system. 

  “Where did you live when you were-” the words were stolen straight out of your mouth when you felt something strong, something so brooding and dark that your tongue went still in your mouth. It nearly choked you, even though Natasha had done that strange thing where she made you feel as if you weren’t surrounded by death. You coughed, and then Maria planted her feet to the ground. 

  Fast footsteps rounded the corner, and there was only a flash of pin straight red hair before you felt a grip on your upper arm, tugging you forward without a word. Immediately, you pushed through the dark haze to protest, only for something deep rooted inside of your soul to realize who it was that had you in their grasp. Who seemed to always have you in their grasp, physically and mentally. And once you realized it was her, you didn’t really mind. You did, however, mind when you were placed into a room, and jumped when the door slammed. Before you could even scold Natasha for her harshness on the inanimate object, both of your shoulders were being held by each of her hands. 

 “If you wanted to leave so badly, you should have just fucking said that.” 

Immediately, her language put something sour in your spirit. Typically, she held her language around you, just like she held back her domineering nature. At one point, she even told you that you were too soft for such words, and there she was not even days later, eyes ablaze and doused in so many emotions you couldn’t even place them.

“I’m sorry?” You asked, blinking at her. 

Everything else washed away for a moment, and then it was just sheer disgust on her face. Your brows furrowed as your heart rate started to pick up, and you wrung your hands out in front of your body, something your mother had scolded you for a thousand times. “How could you-” she huffed out in disbelief and then took a deep breath. “Why?” 

  “I’m really not quite sure-” 

You should have seen it coming. The way that her eyes were turning dark, and the feeling of the air becoming more and more suffocating should have been more than enough for you to realize that you were about to see the worst of her that you had ever seen. But once you realized it, it was far too late. 

“How did you do it?” She asked, somehow growing taller and just larger all around, the dark energy around her swirling into a frenzy. “You contacted your mother and told her that you were being tortured, is that what you did?” 

“What?” You shrieked, shaking your head as you tried to understand what made her come to that conclusion. “What are you talking about?” 

“You found a way to talk to the gods Above Ground and you-” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” 

 “Then why did I receive a declaration of fucking war, Persephone?” The breath caught in your throat at that. It was silent as you stood staring at her, and she did the same to you, only there was the animosity of a thousand men in her eyes, anger flowing from her to you and sinking into your pores until you felt her hatred tenfold. You stumbled back. You opened and shut your mouth, trying to process it in the pause before she started lashing at you again. “Why is your mother declaring war on me with three others on me and my people? For you?” 

You still stood there, nearly trembling as you absorbed all of what she was feeling took every word, wilted with every single syllable she uttered to you. It couldn't have been the same goddess who refused to touch one of your flowers. It couldn’t have been the one that smiled so sweetly when she realized the petals weren’t falling off and sinking back into the ground to restart the cycle at her touch. There was no way that the angry goddess in front of you was the same one that held you so gently when you felt like you were suffocating in darkness. You didn’t see a trace of any of that in the woman standing before you; just irrational and unanswered wrath. 

You saw the woman your mother had warned you about. And that thought was enough to make your nerves steel, for just a second. 

You shook your head twice. “I don’t know.” 

“So you didn’t tell them all these terrible things, asking to be rescued?” She asked, her voice resembling the hiss of one of the snakes you used to play with when you were much younger, one of the green ones that liked to hide in the tall grass of the first garden you had made on your own. “Then why are they planning to march on the Underworld?” 

“Natasha, I don’t know.” 

“I’m so fucking stupid.” She said, laughing with bitterness that made your stomach churn, and she turned her back to you and began to pace around the office floor. In that moment, you realized that you had never been in her office before, and that the only memory you would have of it would be the moment you were in. “How could I ever think you actually-” she shook her head, and you saw a bittersweet smile creep up onto her face. 

“I haven’t spoken to anyone up there since I got here, how could I?” You asked, exasperation leaking into your voice. “Why do you think I would tell her all those things? Do you have no faith in me?” 

  “You want to go home. I know you do.” 

A sob burst through your chest faster than you could even contain it, louder than you could have imagined, and sounding so animalistic that it had Natasha halt her angry steps. “I don’t even know if I want that!” You wailed, putting your wet face into your hands, just like a child. “I don’t know- how could you know?” 

You looked up slowly to see her face, her pacing stopped and her eyes slightly wide as she stared back at you, all anger drained from her face. And just like that, every emotion that you had ever felt came forward. 

“How am I supposed to want to stay when I came here as an unwanted prisoner? How am I supposed to want to stay when my whole life is up there? Why would I want to stay here? My mother is up there, all my friends, every garden I’ve ever been in, it’s all up there. Everything I ever wanted is up there, but how could I-” another cry, “ how could I ever want to leave? 

 “I’ve fallen in love with this place. The darkness grew on me, the people grew on me, I’ve grown attached to every single flower that blossomed here. I would miss the feeling of this terrible soil so much, maybe even more than I miss the ground from above now. But I know that’s not it, I know that’s not what the main decision is- you fucking-” you sniffled, your angry face not connecting with the despair in your voice. “ I can’t leave you behind.”  

  Heavy breathing. Beating hearts. Twitching fingers. Silence. And then there wasn’t any. 

“I don’t- I don’t think that I’m going to be able to wake up and not see you, Natasha.” Despite how angry she and her outburst had just made you, your heart still ached to tell her what had been bothering you since you realized it. What had been stirring inside of you ever since you met her eyes for the first time. “But I don’t know if I have it in me to stay.” 

Just like that, the anger on both sides was gone. You understood where she was coming from earlier like her thought had been your very own, and something inside of you knew that she was experiencing the same thing. You stood in the middle of her office, head hanging low as a singular tear ran down your face in the aftermath, and before the first sniffle could echo across the room, Natasha’s arms were around you. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She murmured, but there was a tremble in her voice, and you melted into her. 

 She didn’t have to say it out loud for you to know why she was so upset earlier. It wasn’t about the possible war- she was afraid that you wanted to leave as badly as she wanted you to stay. “You don’t have to choose,” Natasha’s voice was soothing in you ear as you and your stupid heart forgave her. “You don’t have to. I’m not going to make you.” 

 No, she wouldn’t. But there was another goddess who wasn’t even going to give you an option. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she apologized again, her voice even gentler as her familiar energy wrapped around you just like her arms did. “I just- I don’t want you to think I don’t want you here. I want you to know that I… I want to be able to see you.” 

A few seconds of utter silence passed, and then you were talking again, dipping your toes into a question you’ve always wanted her to answer. You wondered if she was going to allow herself to give you anything. “Does it scare you any?” You asked, burying your face into her neck. Your heart was still racing. 

“Does what, sweet thing?” 

“What you feel. What I feel.” Her arms loosened around you for a second, and you took that chance to look her in the eyes. “I know you’re not very expressive, but you can’t lie to me. I may be young to you, but I’ve seen relationships blossom through others too many times to not recognize what’s happening.” 

  There was a silence between the two of you that should have made you nervous, but all you felt when you looked into her eyes was the way something foreign yet familiar clicked, like the way two metal pieces fit together after wiggling them for a few seconds. Her blue eyes blinked. “Are you trying to say that Eros has snuck down here and struck us both?” 

 “I didn’t, but you did.” 

Her lips quirked upwards for a moment, and then they pulled into a frown again. You frowned back. “What are we going to do?” 

“For now, we can just pretend that nothing is happening. Business as usual. We can deal with it in the morning, but not tonight.” You went back into her arms. “I just want you beside me tonight, is that okay?”  

 You felt her nod, and you closed your eyes. If she was what you wanted, then she would give herself to you. And you would do the same for her. For however much longer you had, anyway. 

[yukichouji]

OK, so, @heniareth​ asked to hear more about my first Warden for DAO and it took me a bit to put all this together, but here we are :) Thank you so much for asking and giving me a chance to ramble about him :D The post is long, hence the cut and please be warned about the thorough lack of structure and order haha I am bad at ordering my thoughts properly. I hope it is still alright to read :)

I have exactly two screenshots of my warden Theron Mahariel and those are it (apparently my obsession with taking a f*ck ton of screen shots of like everything only truly developed with DAI) xD Second one is in the temple of sacred ashes and it was taken in an attempt to make a bad joke about how the battle was so grisly that everyone got blood splatter under their armor ha

Anyway xD Theron is Dalish and he spent his entire life safely with his clan until his best friend Tamlen and he stumbled across some ancient elven ruins in the forest and made a discovery followed by tragedy. Duncan was able to save Theron’s life, but not Tamlen and by the time they returned to the ruins to search for him, Tamlen’s body had disappeared. Not only that, the sickness that had befallen Theron was one that had only been delayed with Duncan’s help and had but one cure, the Joining. And so, to survive, Theron was forced to leave his clan, the only life he’d ever known, his home, his family, to follow Duncan to Ostagar where he would become a Gray Warden.

He’d been a hunter for his clan for a while before all that happened and therefor knew his way around a bow quite well, though he’d never fought anything more frightening than a bear in the wilds. His clan has tried its best to stay away from Shemlens and avoid confrontation, so Duncan was one of the first humans Theron had ever really gotten to talk to. He was suspicious at first, but his keeper trusted Duncan and seemed to hold the Gray Wardens in high regard, so he decided to heed her judgment. Leaving his clan behind, unsure if he would ever see them again since they’d already decided to move North as soon as possible in order to keep safe, was one of the hardest things he’d had to do up until that point in his life.

He was raised by Ashalle, an old friend of his father’s. Both of his parents died around the time of his birth, so he never got to meet either of them and he was never really told about the circumstances of their death. All he knew was that his father had been the former keeper of his clan and his mother a hunter form a different clan. His father had fallen in love with his mother and they’d had to meet in secret because the elders did not approve of their bond. It wasn’t until the day he was to leave his clan for good that Ashalle finally told him the truth about what happened.  Apparently, when his mother was pregnant with him, during one of those secret meetings of theirs, their parents were attacked by a group of humans and city elves. During the resulting fight his father was killed and his mother gravely wounded. She stayed alive just long enough to give birth to him, then passed away. Quite the story to stomach, especially when he was about to put his life into the hands of a human, stepping out into a world that had been nothing but hostile towards his people for as long has their memory lasts. A world he knew very little about, other than the stories the elders told of the dangers and cruelties lurking everywhere within. And through all of that, his failure to protect Tamlen weighed heavily on him, a burden he’d carry with him wherever he set foot.

He was mid twenties, when all of this happened and at that point, the elders and Ashalle had been urging him to find an elven lass to bond with and start his own family for a while. And he’d been doing his best to dodge them for just about as long. He’d never met a woman he’d been interested in and perhaps, if he was to be very honest with himself, his feelings towards Tamlen might have run a little deeper than he’d have liked to admit to anyone, let alone himself. The Dalish don’t frown upon same sex relationships per se, but since the elves are such a diminished race it is regarded as extremely important that anyone who can start a family and produce children to keep their blood alive do so as a duty to their people. Anyone who refuses to or, gods forbid, settles with a partner of a different race is all but branded a traitor to their kind and shunned by their clan, sent into exile to fend for themselves. So in a way, by leaving when he did, he dodged a bullet or a very tough decision he was eventually going to have to make for himself that had been headed his way for a while now. Though one wonders if the fate he found can be considered any better.

He loved his clan and the life he led with them dearly. To him, there was nothing better than that simple life of wandering from place to place and the inherent freedom of it, the deep green of the forests around them, the moonlight glint of the hallas’ coats, the aravels’ colorful sails, the stories of his ancestors told around campfires as the young and old listen with equal wonder, the thrill of the hunt as thin soles tread soundlessly over soft, moss-covered forest floors, Andruil’s invisible hand guiding him onward, and the rush of satisfaction at having been successful. At having been able to provide for his clan, keeping them fed and healthy and safe from danger of any kind. That was where he felt most at home. It was not an easily life, but one worth living.

He can’t read. Never learned, because it never seemed important. All of the lore about his people is kept as oral history not written down.

He really wanted to be able to take Zevran to meet his clan, once all of the horrors of the Blight were over. He knew they wouldn’t be able to stay if they wanted to be together, but he at least wanted to visit and show Zevran how he grew up and who the people were that meant so much to him. Finding a place among the rebuilding Wardens after that didn’t seem like such a bad thing, then. Sadly, none of that ever came to pass. He died defeating the Archdemon and ending the Blight. And instead of receiving a burial the way his people would have intended, in the green forest he’d loved so much with a seed planted over him, a tree growing to mark his grave for his people, his body now lies in a cold stone crypt together with his Warden brothers and sisters, who share the honor of having given their lives to end a Blight.

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

Penny being trans + autistic coded made me resonate with her as I am nonbinary and autistic myself. Her being a robot felt like me when I have to hide my neurodivergent traits. Her getting confirmation that she wasn't just a robot/machine but a real girl felt so validating. I don't have to look like everyone else to still be considered "real".

Ironwood's semblance being literal hyperfixiation, something I've dealt with since I have ADHD + autism would have made me feel better about myself. This is a man who, despite everything: his PTSD, being an amputee, still was a kind-hearted man. This is something rarely seen in media. I was happy.

Then they fucked up both Penny and Ironwood in ways that struck me. Penny is hacked into and forced to comply with basically forced suicide- she was to open the vault, then self-destruct.

Ironwood, oh dear god. They couldn't wait to fuck him over. He was so HAPPY to see team RWBYJNROQ. He told them everything about his plan, trusting them with literal GOVERNMENT secrets, giving them a place to stay, FREE weapon upgrades (Atlas is known for its advanced technology), hell even gave them their HUNTRESS LICENSES THREE-ISH YEARS EARLY (which Ruby later uses as a credibility source in her broadcast, which was eerily similar to Cinder's in Volume 3, when she says IRONWOOD CANNOT BE TRUSTED.)

Not to mention that she conveniently forgot she was calling for help from OTHER KINGDOMS. OF COURSE they wouldn't arrive soon enough. And no one had reason to trust her. She's a nobody. She was at the Vytal Festival and her team made it all the way to the singles? Cool. Ruby wasn't the final fighter, hell after the 4 vs 4 match she didn't compete further.

Blake would have obviously been a bad choice: she's a faunus and if anyone knows about the White Fang, they might recognize her.

Yang is more known than Ruby, but the world saw her kick an unarmed teen in the finals round. She doesn't have too good a reputation.

Weiss? She's well known as the Heiress, but also her singing. Having her give the speech is a mixed bag: on one hand, she's a recognizable face. On the other, that's a problem. Her father, the CEO of the SDC, is known for his cruelty. Blake said it herself way back in Volume 1: questionable business practices and partners.

So... How about no broadcast at all? What did her broadcast accomplish?

Nothing. Help didn't arrive and likely caused more panic. Plus, people still had a negative view of Atlas, as the last thing the world saw was Atlesian soldiers turning against civilians.

The last broadcast was before Beacon fell. So likely another hacker giving a message would be met with fear.

And what attracts Grimm? Negativity.

Ruby's broadcast could have been a DEATH SENTENCE to so many. But no, this is treated as the... Right course of action?

Ruby and co. hates Ironwood's plan, yet it's clear they don't have one. RWB spends a lot of time moping around the manor drinking tea. Team YOJR (Yang, Oscar, Jaune and Ren) actually DO SOMETHING. Oscar gets kidnapped and they chase after him. Ren rightfully points out that NONE OF THEM SHOULD BE DOING THIS. But that goes against the Hivemind™, so he must apologize and agree to whatever the fuck Ruby decides to do.

Which is NOTHING! RWBY didn't even take down the hound: WILLOW and WHITLEY did. A drunk woman and an unarmed teen defeated it.

Oscar is the one who blows up the whale (with his time bomb? huh??)

Ruby whines that it's all too much, cries on a staircase while her sister (remember that Ruby and Yang are related????) comforts her. The scene has no emotional depth because the two barely interact anymore.

OH GOD AND WHEN YANG TAKES A HIT FROM NEO THAT WAS MEANT FOR RUBY IT TAKES HER OUT COMPLETELY. AURA? GONE. HELL, SHE'S EVEN UNCONSCIOUS. I swear it's like the animation budget could only afford to have ONE character react, and it's Blake "sad kitty face" Belladonna. Not Ruby, who is her sister. WHO HAS A SPEED SEMBLANCE. But no, they just watch her fall, not knowing if she's alive.

Ruby has more of a reaction to CRESCENT ROSE, HER FUCKING WEAPON falling.

Which is retconned so hard in the Vol 9 trailer, where she tells Neo "I hope it was worth it" before falling into the void. Huh??

Anyways I'm rambling again but I am so angry!

-🎼

Never, ever, EVER apologize for rambling. I LOVE hearing peoples thoughts and sometimes it's a really nice feeling to let out your frustrations and anger towards something that has caused you harm and it really REALLY sounds like this caused you a lot of harm and so I do not blame you one bit for being hurt and angry. I should apologize for this taking so long. This was a lot and I needed to sort my thoughts and even so I probably missed some points so I also apologize for that.

Penny and Ironwoods biggest mistake was trusting and being kind to RWBY. They lied and betrayed James and treated him like garbage even though he showed them nothing but kindness and did whatever he could to help them and listened to them. Penny was told what to do and think far more so then James ever supposedly did. Ruby decided to give her a new body, decided she didn't like how James was treating her and that she thought James was a bad person, and decided that Penny was better off with them. Penny stopped being able to make her own decisions once she started hanging out with RWBY and co.

Really though what did they all think was going to happen when they sent out a message that matched beat to bear a lot of what Cinder said before Atlas fell? Did she think about the panic that would cause? Did she forget she was worried about Ironwood telling everyone back in Volume 7 because of the panic it would cause everyone??? Did that just conveniently slip her mind?

I honestly think Weiss would have been the best choice to give the broadcast of them all but I don't think they should have sent out the broadcast in the first place. It should realistically only cause panic and death but the narrative is gonna yadda yadda right past all of that.

Oh god yea RWBY and co complain and whine and scream that Ironwoods plan is bad whilst offering up no alternatives then just taking his plan and acting like it was theirs the whole time. They even did this in Volume 7 when in episode 2 they where worried about James telling Atlas about Salem and then turning around and acting all happy and shocked when James told everyone near the end of the season as if they wanted him to the whole time and not the other way around.

Man RWBY really did jack shit all volume huh? As you said all the major things side characters did: Fight James TWICE: Winter, Emerald, and JNRO.

Try and rescue Oscar: JRY

Blow up the Whale: Oscar

"Redeem" Hazel and Emerald: Again Oscar

Defeat the hound: Whitley and Willow

Launch the tower: Penny

Help defend Mantel against the swarm of Grimm: FNKI and the soldiers that all died trying to buy Ruby time while she cries in a mansion.

Like what does this girl do to help any of the people SHE trapped???

Oh god Ren, poor Ren, he's finally seeing the light but he can't stray from the Hivemind so he needs to get back in, we can't question the pure and perfect Ruby her plans are always right even if it causes Salem to get two relics and destroys the only kingdom with an army or the technology to restore global communications in the process.

Yea you're right like CRWBY can make excuses all day for why Ruby didn't react to Yang falling and MAYBE I can buy her not using her Semblance because she's in shock but not crying or reacting at ALL to her supposed death?? Why does her weapon get a more emotional response then her SISTER? Why is only BLAKE allowed to be sad about Yang supposedly dying? Why does fucking WINTER have more of a reaction to her sister dying?

Why are all the people we are supposed to be rooting for so fucking unlikeable???

[majorsoapfan]

The Umbrella Academy Season 3 Episode Titles Analysis

Now that the episode titles for season 3 have dropped, I’ve spent the last few days wondering and theorizing just what they could mean. Most of what I’ve gotten so far rests on symbolism, headcanons, potential theories and a lot of googling, but we all need some way of staying sane until season three drops, right?

Now this is just what I’ve come up with so far, I could be massively wrong in all of these, but these are just my predictions based on what I know of the characters and plot so far, previous ways of naming episodes and the very little I know of the comics.

Meet The Family

Now this one is very self-explanatory and we’ll most likely get to know our birdies very well in this episode. We’ll probably be seeing a flashback to the Sparrows as children fighting crime - maybe already being better at it than their Umbrella counterparts were when they first started.

I’m hoping that we’’ll see another montage of introducing the siblings as adults like we saw in season one with our Umbrellas - which had been so helpful to me at the time as I had started watching the show about a week before season two dropped. I had known absolutely nothing about the show when I started, I had only clicked on it because Robert Sheeran was in the card as Klaus with his pink umbrella and I thought he was pretty. I became a massive fan all because I had thought Robert was pretty and I was bored.

So yeah, I loved the initial introduction montage of the siblings as it helped me figure out who was who quickly without wasting time. And I think that doing something similar for the Sparrows will also help give a better and quicker insight into their personalities and how they work when we see them in episode one.

The World’s Biggest Ball of Twine

If you google ‘ball of twine’ it does mention that this is an archetype for an odd roadside attraction. Now if we’re going literal here, there are plenty of such attractions in the States, including one of just this in Texas, where our dysfunctional family had been last season. Maybe an indication of a road trip or even them fleeing the Sparrows and New York in order to regroup and figure out their next step without the birds circling in?

Ball of twine can also mean wrapping really strongly around something, especially as the material mentioned is usually very strong and durable. A ball of wool isn’t the episode title after all. Now this could mean maybe a family or an emotional issue that is massively at play here. Or more likely, the Umbrella’s and more specifically Five, are trying to figure out their exact steps and actions in the 60′s and just how badly they changed the past and future, both in the general sense of the world and for their own personal lives.

Ball of Twine can also mean wrapping around something tightly, so maybe a trap is being put in place or enacted. Either for the Umbrellas by the Sparrows, or the Umbrellas are trying to lure their counterparts into a trap to regain the upper hand.

Pocket Full of Lightning

Now the first thing that comes to mind when I think of this title is something like this being described or mentioned regarding a character and their abilities. Now the characters that come to mind immediately when referenced to this are either Vanya or Christopher. Or maybe it may have something to do with a team-up, more than likely the Sparrows and what can happen when they team-up and combine their powers.

But lightning also has a lot of symbolism in many different societies and periods and in all honesty, I feel like I have to mention this. Symbolism includes but isn’t limited to: illumination, destruction, punishment, inspiration and revelations. Lightning is also highly associated with the King of the Greek Gods Zeus. Maybe Marcus or Reginald?

Marcus is after all described as a natural leader after all, gaining perhaps a Zeus like image in the public eye?

Whereas Reginald on the other hand would definitely see himself as being as King and acts like it at times, using his children as his soldiers to advance his agendas. Zeus isn’t a very kind or forgiving God either so unlike Marcus maybe this has something to do with the Hargreeves patriarch?

Kugeblitz

Thank you Tumblr for having already given me the definition for this episode title when I had first found out the episode titles so I know that it means a black hole formed from radiation.

Luther and Five when I think of this title in terms of its definition a kugeblitz has me thinking of both space and science, as both topics are highly associated with these characters. Black holes have ties to space which Five who’s powers are teleportation and Luther who spent four years up in space both have ties to a title like this.

But of course we can’t forget the actual alien in the family Reginald Hargreeves. A black hole could be a reference as to what happened to his original planet, or maybe signalling a potential threat later on in the season. Will it cause another apocalypse or a warning for an alien invasion perhaps?

But it also might have links to a well known Umbrella Academy villain, Dr Terminal. I haven’t read the comics so I will admit to a lack of knowledge on this villain although I will Google him later. But as the season will be focusing on the Sparrow Academy and potentially any previous villains, Dr Terminal seems to be the most well known in the fandom and thus the most likely to make an appearance, whether in flashbacks or in person. A few people here seem convinced that this episode title will have something to do with him in some form.

Kindest Cut

When I think of this episode title, my first thought goes of course, to Diego. People can often get cut with knives and they are of course Diego’s preferred weapon of choice.

Maybe however they are referring to another powered sibling and what harm their abilities can cause. Top contenders after Diego of course, are Vanya whose power we know can cut after seeing what she did to Allison at the end of ‘The Day that Was’ in a moment of anger.

But if we go with the Sparrows then Alphonso is at the top of my list. His character sheet is mentioned as him bearing the scars from his years of crime-fighting. His power is assumed to be the voodoo from the comics and if he can transfer the injuries he obtains or inflicts on himself to others, this may be what this title means.

But, and this theory I think is the one that I’m most obsessed with right now, is that the episode title could be an adaptation of the saying ‘unkindest cut’. The definition for this is ‘a cruel or devastating injury or insult inflicted on you by a supposed friend’. 

If we go by current timeline we’re in then my money is that Five may be joining the Sparrows either under duress or having worked out an agreement with Reginald that his siblings would be spared if he did. Only his family might not be aware of what Five has planned and agreed to and would only see the apparent betrayal of what they have all gone through together as a family. Of only seeing their brother join the team that probably want them dead.

But this betrayal may also be coming from the Sparrows and Sloane perhaps. Sloane is an inverse of Five in a sense in that while Five is driven by his desire to save his family, Sloane often feels like hers are holding her back from experiencing her dream of leaving. Maybe she betrays the Sparrows in some way by letting an opportunity to capture the Umbrellas flee or seeking them out as allies.

Marigold

According to what I can glean from the comics, marigold refers to the balls of light that eventually became the 43 super-powered children. So could we be getting an explanation as to how these supers came to be and why?

But like with episode three’s episode title, I can’t not mention the symbolism connected to this title. Marigolds often have conflicting symbolism today. In modern western society their bright colours often have them being associated with the sun and positive emotions and energy such as happiness, optimism and good luck. Not what I think the episode will be about.

But on the darker side of things, which is something that I do think has more ties into what to expect, is that they also refer to jealousy, grief, despair, mourning and cruelty. It is a flower associated with death and the Day of the Dead in Mexico and is said to offer protection from evil spirits. This connection with death is what I first thought of when I saw the episode title and the most obvious character associated with Death is none other than our ghost-boy Klaus Hargreeves.

Klaus as a character has a lot of ties to death naturally and I did see a post on here describing how Klaus will be entering the fourth stage of grief which is depression for both Ben and Dave during season three. This makes sense as they are now both gone in a way that not even his powers can reverse nor can he summon their spirits. Marigolds can often symbolize a despaired love and strong passion as well as well as pain and grief, so it could be a reference to Klaus’ depression over permanently losing both his closest brother and his love. But the main reason I do think that this episode does tie in heavily with Klaus is that it’s a mid season episode and so far that’s usually when Klaus undergoes most of his development. Maybe it’ll continue that way in season three.

Of course if Marigold will also represent a despaired love there are other options in the Umbrellas other than Klaus and Dave: Diego with both Eudora Patch (who is possibly still alive in this timeline) and Lila Pitts still bouncing around the timeline. Allison dealing with leaving her 60′s husband Raymond Chestnut and maybe trying to track down her ex Patrick to find out what happened to daughter Claire in this timeline and Vanya with love Sissy Cooper. Or maybe even Five and Dolores or possibly a love interest for Luther could be a reference to this title. 

Explaining how the Umbrella and Sparrows came to be wouldn’t take the whole episode giving us time for some potential (doomed) love.

Auf Wierdershen

This is very likely to be a Klaus focused episode, even if Marigold isn’t.

The episode title is German for goodbye and Klaus is the character most associated with Germany. Klaus is the only character to have spoken German during the shows events so far and his name is of German origin (interestingly enough, all of the male Sparrows bar Ben, have their names tied to Germanic origin. Meanwhile, Fei’s name is of Chinese origin, Jayme has both Spanish and Hebrew roots, while Sloane is derived from an Irish surname Ó Sluaghhadáin). Not only that but it is considered fanon that Klaus was born in Germany just like Diego and Vanya’s roots are considered to be Mexico and Russia respectively. 

Not only that but he literally has ‘goodbye’ tattooed on his hand.

‘Goodbye’ has many different interpretations for what this could mean especially if this is a Klaus centric episode like we are assuming. And like I mentionned above with Klaus going through the fourth stage of grief in season three, this might be the episode where he moves into the fifth and final stage: acceptance. Perhaps by having one last talk with Umbrella Ben in the afterlife or by trying to track down Dave after Vietnam and discovering he (seemingly - I do have hopes for Commission Dave later on) did live a long and happy life after the war. 

Mending fences with Ben and both getting the chance to air their genuine grievances with one another and mend their relationship from the horrific state it was in at the end of season two might help Klaus find closure. Klaus and Ben both love each other but they crossed a lot of lines and hurt each other deeply with their behaviours last season and they deserved the chance to try and fix the issues as well as say a proper goodbye to one another. This could give Klaus the opportunity to say just that as well as moving into accepting Ben’s death once and for all.

And when it comes to Dave, maybe just knowing that Dave moved on can help Klaus move from depression into acceptance. He was more than fine with stopping Dave from enlisting in the army during season two even knowing that it would mean that Dave would never meet or fall in love with Klaus. He was willing to sacrifice his chance at love with Dave if it meant that Dave would survive. Perhaps if he knew that Dave had been happy and safe in his later life he could then move on and say goodbye? 

And maybe by coming to terms with the departure of two of the biggest influences in his life, motivate Klaus to embrace a new outlook and control of his life and his powers?

Wedding At The End Of The World

This very clearly has ties to the very first episode of the show which is ‘We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals’. Both have marriage and death connected in their titles. The characters that we know have been married so far out of our Hargreeves family so far is Reginald and Allison.

Reginald was married on his home planet when his wife died. Not a lot is known about her other than she was the original owner of Vanya’s violin in the original timeline. Maybe we’ll get information on her and just why Reginald left his home planet?

The next character married so far is Allison who so far has been married twice already (maybe they’re going three for three this time?). And judging by the episode title in season one, that event was the last time the Umbrella Hargreeves (bar Five) were all together as a family until they arrived for Reginald’s funeral. Maybe there’s a link there.

Or maybe this is referencing a whole other wedding that may be happening during the events of season three? I wouldn’t be surprised if Five reunites with Delores and decides just to get married to make it official. To paraphrase Klaus, it’s probably one of the healthiest relationships that family ever had regarding love.

Six Bells

Now this tile had me stumped for a good bit and it will probably make more sense when season three does drop and we watch the episodes, but for now I can just theories on it.

Bells have often been associated with religious services, which may tie in with the last episode, but can also be rung for important events or in deference of important people.

But what is really getting me is that the title is six bells and there are six Umbrellas left so far. Could the bells be in reference to something regarding them, some sort of trap perhaps? Which will definitely tie in in some way to the seasons finale:

Oblivion

Now like episode one this one seems fairly self-explanatory. This seems like Hotel Oblivion is finally coming into play here, meaning they are probably switching the order of stories from the comics. But the question is: if it is Hotel Oblivion, did the Umbrella’s enter the Hotel/prison out of free will or were they trapped here by the Sparrows? Anything goes at this point considering that it’s the last episode of the season.

But when it comes to the Hotel there are so many possibilities as to what happens here:

- Are all of the Umbrella’s trapped inside or did one escape and their other cell mate is a Sparrow perhaps (Sloane maybe for trying to leave the Sparrow Academy?)

- How will this set up the cliff-hanger for season four? Will all or some of the Umbrella Hargreeves be trapped in the hotel once the season ends and that helps set up the tension for the next season. Or maybe a break out of prisoners just like in the comics occurs and the Umbrella's are forced to deal with it?

-Where will this leave our Sparrows at the season end, because I know that we’re going to get attached (I know I will). Will some of them come with us into season four? Maybe they are split into two teams as the season ends, each containing a mixture of both Umbrella’s and Sparrows?

Well that’s all I have, maybe I’m right about some of it, maybe I’m all wrong, just need to wait until season three to find out.

[cosmicjoke]

Ugh, okay, chapter 81 of AoT, and I’m in the corner cryin’.

But seriously, what an emotionally powerful chapter this was.  God man, it’s gonna’ take me a minute to get my thoughts in order.

Well, first of all, Erwin, and all of the recruits, watching them sacrifice their lives here was just so absolutely, emotionally powerful.  Just incredibly moving and heartbreaking.  Even after Erwin gets hit and falls, (and the panels here of him dying are truly devastating, powerful images) to see the recruits continuing to charge forward, to carry on in his stead, it really is just so intense, and as well speaks to Erwin’s own power as a commander, how he was able to inspire these people into giving their lives for a greater cause.  To see their courage in the face of certain death, carrying on Erwin’s spirt here, it truly was one of the most moving, and also one of the most heart-wrenching moments in SnK up to this point.  I felt so much for all of them.  The way Marlowe thought of Hitch too, in the end, never realizing it was because he was in love with her, ugh, my heart.

Now contrasting that, and I swear to Christ, I really, REALLY don’t understand how anyone can sympathize with Zeke given the sick display he puts on here, his cruelty and ego-driven rage towards these young men and women, and how he lets his rage towards his father fuel his violence towards these innocent people just... it pisses me off so much.  I can’t even.  I mean, Zeke is one twisted, sick mother fucker.  He’s demented, truly, the way he swings wildly between violent rage and perverse glee as he kills them, and then has the unmitigated gall to act like he feels sorry for these people, how clearly he thinks of them as pitiful and pathetic, their sacrifice as meaningless.  He treats them like their lives are pointless, and then has the nerve to play at sympathy for their plight.  What pisses me off the most about Zeke is how utterly self-centered he is.  How everything he does, everything he thinks, is filtered through his own view of the world and life, and how he never once stops to consider the lives of others, their own views or experiences.  Because he’s deemed his own life as worthless and without point, so too has he deemed the lives of every other Eldian.  He’s far and away the most self-centered, ego-driven and selfish character in the whole series.  Oh, he just made me sick here.  His own hypocrisy is equally disgusting, with how angry he becomes when Levi dares to make him pay for what he’s done.  As if he can’t believe anyone would dare cause him harm, unable to comprehend why they would even wish to do so, as if he’s some great, godly figure sent to the world to bestow his twisted sense of mercy on those he deems unfit to live.  Just the whining, hysterical reaction he has to getting fucked up. The ego on this guy is seemingly infinite.  He truly is despicable.  Just a pathetic child of a man taking out his issues on everyone but himself, throwing temper tantrums when anyone dares to challenge him on what he’s decided is right.  Fuck Zeke.  Seriously, just... fuck this guy so much.

Now, enough about him, let’s talk about Levi.

Truly, some of the most heartbreaking moments we’ve seen with Levi up to this point happen in this chapter.   The moments following him taking Zeke down (and yes, that whole sequence was epically bad-ass), just seeing the depth of Levi’s pain here was so devastating, and incredibly moving.  You can see how preoccupied he is with what’s happened.  Zeke isn’t even his main consideration or concern.  He seems almost distracted, looking back behind him, out over the field of his fallen comrades and friends, and wondering in an almost frantic, inner monologue to himself if anyone out there is still alive.  He’s hoping beyond hope that someone, ANYONE, is, so that he can save at least one person.  This goes back to Levi’s determination to keep the new recruits alive back in I think chapter 78 or 79, ordering them not to die, and then trying desperately to get those with the horses back on the other side of the wall.  It really puts into perspective just how devastating this is for Levi, to see all of these people, dead, crushed to death by rocks, all of these people who just a short while ago he had been doing everything he could to protect.  To know they had to die to save only a few.  HIs desperation here, the way he clings to the hope that at least one person is still alive, out of all of them, to be saved, the way he reminds himself that as long as they’re breathing, it can be done, if he gives them the serum, it all just drives home in the most poignant way just how pained Levi is at the sacrifice they’ve all made.  It drives home how much it’s cost Levi, to allow them to do it.  I said before that him making that choice for Erwin was Levi going against every, innate feeling and instinct that he has, the need to protect and save people.  Levi had to go directly against his own nature in order to make that call, and the consequences of that are plain to see in these panels.  His wide eyed, shocked expression, the frantic, mantra-like thoughts going through his mind, almost childlike in the way he keeps asking if anyone is still alive out there, if there’s anyone he can bring back.  And the way he thinks of Erwin specifically when he asks that, it serves as such a cruel reminder that Levi’s just given up one of his dearest and closest friends.  That he’s just willingly lost a person that meant so much to him, in order to obtain any sort of victory for humanity.   It reminds us of the personal cost to Levi.  Another person he’s lost in this battle for humanity’s salvation.  Ah, he just breaks my heart so much here.  And also how it’s that hope, that desperate wish that someone is still able to be saved, that stays Levi’s hand from killing Zeke immediately.  How it’s purely Levi’s wish to save someone that keeps him from killing Zeke then and there, it truly speaks volumes about what kind of person Levi really is, about how much he values life.  

And then of course there’s Levi’s reaction when Pieke catches him off guard and steals Zeke away.  Levi’s stunned horror, as he watches Zeke escaping is, for one, I think, because his chance to save even one life is being taken away, there before his eyes, and, of course, because the purpose behind all of his comrades sacrifices, the reason they gave up their lives, in order for Levi to kill Zeke and provide those left a means of escape, is being rendered meaningless.  We then see Levi’s stunned horror turn to unbridled rage, as he realizes the promise he’d made to Erwin is slipping from his hands.  He can’t allow for all of these people to have died in vain, he can’t let their sacrifices mean nothing, he can’t let that stand.  Once again, the depth with which Levi values the lives of other people is truly incredible, and the emotion in these panels is perhaps the most powerful example of that quality in Levi up to this point in the story.  I just felt so much for him all throughout this.  

When you think about what Levi’s been through here, too, how before he even went after the Beast Titan, he’d already run himself ragged taking down some unknown number of smaller Titans to protect the horses and the new recruits, and then in order to get to Zeke, he had to take down probably a dozen or more 12 or 15 meter Titans, before finally taking the Beast Titan down, all this by himself, it displays the strength of Levi’s will so powerfully, how much of himself he’s willing to give in order to further the cause of others.  For him to then continue to go after Zeke, after all of that, just the way he never gives up, never stops fighting, exemplifies how wholly Levi truly embodies the ideal of the Survey Corps, and the fight for humanity.  What an absolute hero he is.

[jspark3000]

Tumblr saved my life. Tumblr nearly killed me.

I’ve been on Tumblr since 2010. The people of Tumblr have saved my life multiple times. No kidding. In the worst of my depression, this place was a safe haven and a gentle stream of encouragement.

A lot has changed. I’ve continued to meet wonderful people, but it seems I kept meeting worse individuals too. Worse. And worse. My inbox became increasingly deranged, some who destroyed my mental health. One, in fact, brought me close to the edge of suicide for months. If you’re reading this: you know who you are.

Tumblr in the last few years no longer feels as safe as it was. In fact, on its worst days it’s as bad as *shudders* Facebook.

I don’t mean that it was a simple disagreement. That’s fine. I don’t mean healthy debate or snarky banter. Those are good. I mean racial slurs, threats, long reblogs with carefully articulated bigotry, abusive dynamics, gaslighting (not the way everyone keeps misusing this word—“You said a mean thing, that’s gaslighting”—but I mean really crazy-making reality-bending pathology), and cult-like manipulation. Gone is the humility, safety, and encouragement, except for the rare few. Compassion here is mostly now the exception.

I’m not entirely sure what happened. The election? Polarization? Backlash against people of color? Anger that my faith has evolved? More insular echo chambers? Easier to hide our faces here? Am I just that easy to beat up online? Or maybe you just stopped liking me altogether. I can live with that. But a compassionate space replaced by cruelty? That’s not something I was ready for.

I’ve changed too. I’ve worked at the hospital now for six years. I’ve seen so much suffering. I’ve seen hundreds, if not thousands of people die, sometimes in the worst way possible. I lost my faith once and got it back, and it came back different than before. I am more cynical than I was. I am also more hopeful than I was. I’ve seen the worst of people. The best of people. Times when God seemed absolutely absent. Other times I was sure God was breathing in my lungs.

But one thing I know: I am 100% for the wounded, hurting, and grieving. No question. I am 100% against anyone and anything that would take away from those who have already lost so much. And in the eyes of some, I guess this makes me “soft.” Weak. A liberal. A Marxist. Unrealistic. Emotional. Hysterical. Or just a “feminine f___ng ch*nk.” Working now at the hospital has apparently made me too soft for a place like Tumblr.

No, I don’t think I’m better than this place. Maybe Tumblr never got worse (though I think it did). Maybe seeing so much death turned me into a bunch of nerve endings. I did go soft. And when you see death as much as I do, you realize there are so few places in the world that are safe for grief. Tumblr has little idea what to do with it. It can make grief either fashionable or laughable. Trendy or trigger material. But not tangible. Not divine. Not human. Grief even fits on Instagram. Not here. Not when you can reblog someone and gif them and say “lol.”

The online space is weird. It’s real life and it isn’t. Many times it felt real for me. I know, I shouldn’t take it seriously. But the compassion was real. And unfortunately, the hurt was real too.

These days I post a lot less. But even in the little that I post, it is clear this community is not safe. I never thought I’d ever say that Instagram and Twitter, of all places, are safer than here. But they are. Tumblr, for me, has become a tantrum competition. A speed race for snark. Not the fun kind of snark. Snark that isn’t very clever, but aggressively filled with incel/Reddit/4chan rage. No dialogue. Just dirt.

I will probably keep posting here. And answering my inbox sometimes. And replying with snark of my own. But what this all once was: it will never be again. Not a safe life-giving community. Just a place where I can put my posts. An old storage room that used to be home.

I have a daughter now. She is beginning to crawl. She can almost say “dad” (she probably isn’t, but it sounds just like it, and it makes my heart stop). I always think about the sorts of places she will find life. Or places that will take life from her. Most places do some of both. I hope she finds a place that gives more life than it takes. But some people choose to stay in a hard place because they want to change things from the inside. Maybe she’ll have the strength that I didn’t. She can make change from the inside. She can be the type of person to bring life to a place that has the potential to be good.

I saw Tumblr like that once. Even for years. But I guess I’m too old, too tired, too worn down for that sort of thing now. I have aged out of this place. This place grew past me. I gave it what I could. And I’m glad I did. I’m grateful for Tumblr. It was a place that made me alive. Do I sound dramatic? I guess dramatic is exactly what I loved about this place. I could be myself here. Once I could do that. Others cheered me on. I cheered them on. I loved to see a land of voices vibrant and free. That time is gone. I will always cherish that time. Thank you for all that it meant. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you, if nothing else, than for memories.

— J.S.

[zv5x]

So uhh,,, I'm starting to get into writing again after restarting everything, so to really warm myself up I'm doing the Yandere ABC's prompt thingy with Spirit! Cause I need the Spirit simps to return to my blog and cause Spirit is my main source of serotonin!!! Plz enjoy teehee, and I promise I'll get to all of your requests soon! let me have my Spirit simping hour, I need it very much ( :̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅) Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get? - Spirit is VERY intense affection wise, and is almost always holding onto you in one way or another. Whether that be laying his head on your chest and purring quietly, or by insisting that your hand stays connected with his while outside, he's always making sure he has a good handle on you. He's also very protective and caring, so expect to be feeling a lot safer in the future. And I mean a LOT safer. Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling? - Spirit was never a big fan of wasting his time on the filth that keeps the two of you apart, so he likes to keep rival elimination quick and painless. However, if he feels that whoever he's killing isn't worthy of a quick death, he will most definitely accommodate to that fact. Or, if you ask him to kill someone and specifically request for it to be long and messy, he'd do it without a shread of hesitation. After all, he'd do anything to prove his loyalty to you. Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them? - Mocking you isn't in Spirit's vocabulary. He could never treat you with a shread of inhumanity (unless that is, he sees it as needed), as he feels you deserve the best and nothing but the best. He owes his life to you! You saved him, you showed him that the world wasn't nearly as vile as he once thought. Treating you with anything less than the love and adoration that you deserve just doesn't seem like a concept to him even. If he get's to the point where he sees abduction as necessary, he might do the occasional "ara ara" type shit while stepping on your chest though lol, he can get like that sometimes. He'd step on you very gently, though..he doesn't want to hurt you too bad Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will? - Before you even got him out of the game in which he was trapped, he was very creepily overbearing. Though, he couldn't directly show that considering he wouldn't ever get let out then. He'd just keep tabs on all your devices through the shadows. P.S., it was very kind of you to make a ROM of his game for your laptop for him to move into! It made things so much easier for him! Now he can have a much easier time watching you sleep and hearing you breathe when he's placed right by your side on your bed (you said you didn't want him to be lonely, which he thought was very kind and cute of you. It's exactly why he adores you so much). It also makes it so much easier to look through your phone since you have that data connected to your laptop as well. Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling? - What was that, (Y/N)? Spirit's actions are making you doubt his undying love for you? No fear! He'll pour his entire heart to you right then and there! He'll list of just every little thing about you that makes his heart beat fast, he'll also lovingly alert you to the fact that he owes his life along with everything that he is, all to you! He wouldn't be alive or free if it wasn't for you! The coding of his game would have crumbled and basically ate him alive, so without you he'd probably be dead. Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back? - A combination of betrayal and confusion. Confusion, due to the fact he just doesn't understand why you'd want to leave him. Isn't this exactly what you humans consider true love? The idea of being with someone who would gladly bare any level of agony just to be the only one you gaze upon, the idea of someone being willing to go to any

length just to see that smile of yours that they always adore seeing, how is this not what humans consider love? The feeling of betrayal from you doing something as selfish as trying to leave him, the pain could almost eat him alive. How could you? He's done everything for you, he's given you every inch of love and affection that he has to offer, and you repay him by trying to leave him all alone? Expect the biggest guilt trip you've ever experienced. "I thought you loved me, dearest! Why would you try and leave me?!" Along with millions of demands to know who you were running away to. There had to be some place for you to go when you left him after all, so whose throat does he have to slit just to prove to you how much he adores you? Go on, don't be shy, tell him! Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape? - The hunting you down aspect of all of this? Yeah, I guess he could consider it a game. But the thing is, he never really considers what he's doing Hunting you down unless you're directly trying to run from him. So, at that point, hunting you down is exactly what he's doing. Spirit considers everything he's doing to be completely understandable and normal for human relationships. So he definitely doesn't consider what he's doing to be a "game" or anything else similar. His love for you isn't just some game, it's serious and it's all he has Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them? - If you ever dare cheat on him, expect to see the last thread of sanity he has in him just snap right before your eyes. He could never kill you, no. But your little partner? Expect them to be torn to shreads right before your very eyes. Ever hear one of those crazy ass yandere laughs? Yeah. He'd pull that too. He'd quite literally go ballistic, getting up when who you cheated on him with isn't even recognizable, screaming at you and demanding to know the reason for your disloyalty. He did everything for you! And you just go on and pull shit like this? No. He won't accept it. You won't get away with it. He still loves you of course, and will remind you of that fact every millisecond, but you can tell he just isn't the same. More possessive, more angry and suffocating. Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling? - Spirit definitely wants to marry you. Like, this is a fact. He's basically your fiance without even proposing to you yet. He'd definitely enjoy a few kids as well, but only if you want them as well and are able to have them. He understands any reason you might not want kids, and he won't pressure you. Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope? - He's like, literally the CEO of jealous (As well as the CEO of protectiveness). His protective nature causes him to be extremely suspicious of others and their intentions. Sometimes if he feels that person was getting a little too friendly with you, he'll possessively wrap his arms around you while you're talking to them and growl at them until they power walk away out of fear. Sometimes while the two of you are cuddling he'll subtly and quietly bite your neck to leave marks. Or, sometimes he just goes for the more direct route, and offs anyone who he saw as in his way. He can't have anyone walking in on private property thinking it's their own, can he? Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling? - He's usually extremely understanding and sweet. Spirit doesn't like having to use fear tactics to get his way, since he hates it when he has to resort to putting fear in you. Around you, Spirit is more loving than he ever was around anyone before. You're his precious darling after all! You saved him, you taught him what love was like. How could he not act painfully loving and sweet in your presence? You just make his heart flutter so violently. Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling? - Literally exploding Senpai's face off one day while you were paying his game. He's just been watching you for so long, allowing

Senpai to soak up all your love and attention. He just couldn't contain the jealousy, or the rage. He didn't get what Senpai did to be getting so much affection from you. So, he got rid of the problem. Senpai. He was able to convince you Senpai was completely unalive and unfeeling, just lines of code. Which, he was lines of code, but Spirit knew very well that he was aware of the world and environment around him, and could very much so be considered...alive. However, you didn't need to know that. Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else? - Kinda? You know how protective and jealous he can be, but he completely hides the fact he's literally committed murder. He doesn't want you to think of him as some heartless monster, now does he? That wouldn't do at all. He needs you to adore him, just as much as he adores you. He wants you to be fully willing to marry him, and live out the rest of eternity with him. How could that happen if the very thought of him scares you? Naughty: How would they punish their darling? - The usual, causing you physical pain. His methods of doing this vary, along with the severity of the pain. But, lucky for you it takes a lot to get him to the point to where he sees punishment as the only way. Additionally, if you allow him too, he could get a little...lewder with the punishments... Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling? - Not many, if everything goes by his plan. However, if you refuse to do what he says, he'll take away as many rights as he can. Physical freedom, friends, family, and everything else in between. If he feels something is keeping you from him, he'll snatch it away in a millisecond. You don't need it. However, if everything goes to plan, then great! He's so happy you realize that your future is with him, and only him! Patience: How patient are they with their darling? - Oh, he's extremely patient! That is, unless you do something to upset him. Don't show too much fear, don't yell or scream at him, don't deliberately make him jealous, or do anything similar, and everything will be okay! He understands why you might be a little reluctant, as you've probably never had someone as loving and adoring as him in your life! So much affection being given to you is something you need to get used to, he would know. It took him a little bit to fully adjust to all the love you had for him. Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on? - No. He wouldn't. Not in the slightest. He'd never be able to move on if you were to leave him forever. If you die, he could just chase you down to wherever you ended up considering he was a demon himself. But, if you somehow find a way to get away from him even after he chases you down? He'll be devastated. He thought you loved him, he loved you so much. He still does love you. He can't let you go, he just can't. He needs you. He lives for you. He craves you. You're his light, his everything, he can't imagine an existence without you by his side. But, that won't even happen, he won't let you go no matter what. You won't be able to loosen yourself from his grip. Not that you want to though, right? (Extra fact: Spirit wouldn't hesitate to resort to killing you himself, just so he could drag you down to Hell and keep you there forever. If it's something he needs to do, then he'll do it no questions asked. He hates causing you pain, he really does. But Spirit will do whatever it takes to have your love) Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go? - Spirit has a very warped view of love, so while he is capable of feeling guilt, he doesn't at all regret what he's done. He feels guilt for the way you cried when he tried snuggling you and holding you, he felt guilt for the way you trembled as he reached out to you, but he just couldn't feel bad for the people he damned and murdered. They were trying to take you away from him, and that's absolutely unforgivable. Stigma:

What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)? - Definitely his time in the Hating Simulator. He was completely ripped away from all contact with the outside world and everyone that inhabited it, human or not. He stayed like that for years, until his captors daughter finally decided to dispose of him. Then, somehow, he met you. You decided to pick his game and it's console up, and take him home. He didn't trust you at first, but soon, watching you talk to Senpai and get closer with him, he fell in love with you. Hard. He needed you in his life, he needed to keep you. He had to have you. You needed to be his, and his alone. Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves? - Confused, but still upset and guilty. He hates seeing you in pain, whether that pain be physical or mental. So to hear you scream and cry with such pain, it absolutely makes his heart shatter. But he just doesn't understand why you're acting in such agony...aren't you happy? Don't you love him? He'll probably look at you with a pained look in his eyes. He'll try and hold you in his arms and hold you close to his chest, no matter how hard you struggle. Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere? - Literally chasing you down to wherever you go, with no effort at all. He makes it so you CAN'T escape him, no matter how hard you try, and no matter who you cry to for help. With any other Yandere, there's always the possibility of escape. Whether it be by leaving their basement, killing them in self defense, getting them arrested, etc, etc. But with Spirit, there's nothing you can do. You're going to love him, or he'll make your life a living hell. Quite literally, in fact. Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape? - While there is literally no way to escape him, you can try and manipulate him to get whatever you wish. Spirit is extremely touch starved, to the point where he'll probably tremble and shake with pleasure if you do as much as reach out to him. Just hold him in your lap and let him purr into your neck as you run your finger through his hair, he'll be literal putty in your hands. While trying to use this against him to escape will result in harsh punishment, if you can think of anything you can get out of him using this then by all means go for it. Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling? - Only if needed. Spirit doesn't wish to cause you pain, but he won't hesitate to if he thinks it will make you love him and stop that hopeless struggling of yours. Spirit will make sure to cuddle you and kiss you after each punishment however, praising you in a soft whisper about how good you've been for him while he taught you a lesson. Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over? - If you want to know how much you mean to him, Spirit will without hesitation get on one knee and kiss the tips of your hand as he purrs words of pure love. He'll make sure you know just how loved and important you are to him by the end of the night, any way you wish for him to, no matter how direct or "explicit" Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap? - After escaping the Hating Simulator, maybe about a year Zenith: Would they ever break their darling? - If you were to "break" under his care, rest assured it was completely unintentionally. But, he'll still take your submission as a win. You're willing to tell you love him, you're willing to marry him and live a life with him, and that's all Spirit needs. He loves you so much ♡

[pyrrhiccomedy]

the People have requested my book report on The Library at Mt. Char so this is now a Mt Char book club.

if you have not read The Library at Mt Char there is no reason to keep reading. I hope you're having a nice day, stay safe and don't do drugs.

So Mt Char has a couple of problems, but in my opinion only one grave problem.

Not a grave problem:

Erwin doesn't need to be in this book. An astonishing amount of ink is spilled on giving us Erwin's POV and I am at a loss in regards to what that's supposed to bring to the story. I mean, it's kind of neat to see Carolyn's "trick shot" from the POV of one of the people being manipulated, but that perspective could have just been provided by Steve. Everything Erwin does of any plot significance could have been done by Steve, a character who actually matters.

Please note that I don't hate Erwin, he's perfectly fine as characters go, he just contributes nothing, and it is baffling that he and Carolyn get the last scene in the book (instead of just ending on her reunion with Michael, a scene that was emotionally affecting and felt like a natural end point to her story). We are taking no questions, Erwin needed to be cut.

Also not a grave problem in my opinion, but I am sure others feel differently and I understand why they would:

Yo, the scope of what the catalogs cover is mad vague. I mean, I get that that's the point: when you have a character whose magic powers are "anything that has to do with death or murder," that's a broad license, and I'm fine with that. These are supposed to be demi-gods. I don't require a rigorously explicated magic system.

But then like...why can't Jennifer, the healer, also heal minds? That seems weird. Or like, it's implied that she kinda can, maybe, but none of the kids talk about their therapy sessions with Jennifer: they explicitly call out that she heals their bodies. But then she talks about how Margaret and David are sick (meaning mentally) in a way she can "no longer help?" Aren't you supposed to be the God Of Healing? Why can't you help anymore? And were you actually trying to help them before - or anyone else? That's never shown. You could have just said you only healed bodies, not minds, but then it's repeatedly implied that she CAN diagnose mental and emotional problems (and therefore should probably be able to do something about them).

So that's weird.

Or like, why is there Alicia, who "sees the future," and Rachel, who "sees possible futures?" That, uh, just sounds like the author was running out of ideas. Also, if Alicia could see the future, she probably shouldn't have been in that house when the SWAT team hit, yeah?

Stuff like that. The magic the kids can do is very "they have the powers the author needs them to have when the author needs them to have them, and they can't do anything the author would find inconvenient for them to do" but that's not a deal breaker for me because overall the vibe being put off by their various magical specialties works for me. Still, there were ways of getting us where we needed to go without begging quite so many questions.

Also not a grave problem, although more of a problem than the other stuff:

You know that anime trope where a super-genius character is having an entire conversation with another super-genius character through a screen, and it's revealed that the whole conversation was a distraction and pre-recorded so that Character 2 could Complete His Scheme against Character 1? And used his super-genius brain to predict every single thing Character 1 would say? And your suspension of disbelief staggers bloodied into the alleyway and collapses because you're really trying to hang in there, Code Geass, but that's fucking stupid, you're asking for me to believe that this character's intelligence is flat-out supernatural now and you've given me no reason why that should be?

That's how I feel about Carolyn, by the time she takes over the Library. Like, okay. The kids canonically have not even been at the Library long enough for any of them to master their catalogues except for Jennifer. None of them but Jennifer are masters of even their own subject.

Carolyn has been studying in secret from multiple catalogues - which is cool! I like how she slowly reveals over the course of the latter half of the book that she has powers from other people's specialties.

...But like...

She seems close to mastering her own catalogue. She is a competent healer and can raise the dead (Jennifer's catalogue). She can block attempts to read her mind, beats David in a fight, and understands how to kill Father (David's catalogue). She speaks lion and controls the dogs that surround the Library (Michael's catalogue). She could make the mathy "Denial That Rends" thing that kicks off the whole plot, and she can make a new sun and correct orbital rotations around it (Peter's catalogue). She can predict the future with such specificity that she knows how to cause Steve to drop a clip of bullets while he's being attacked by dogs exactly where Erwin will need to pick it up later (Rachel's catalogue, also this one is stupid, she could have just given Erwin an extra clip or something, but whatever).

That's half the catalogues. Carolyn doesn't seem prodigiously more intelligent than the other kids. She's smart, sure, but they're all weird demi-gods with a genius for their specialties. The rest of them haven't even mastered their own catalogue, and I'm supposed to swallow that Carolyn has attained 'competent or better' status in six? When she has to research five of them in secret? Without falling behind in her own studies?

It would be fine if they had all been masters of their own catalogues for years and years; that would mean they would begin to stagnate, while Carolyn kept learning. But that's not the case. By the end I wasn't impressed anymore at Carolyn's resourcefulness, it just felt like she could do anything and everything, shh, don't ask questions, she's the Chosen One so she just can.

The reason this isn't a grave problem to me is because Carolyn's journey isn't about becoming more powerful: it's about her emotional journey, which isn't affected by her being stupidly OP for no reason by the end of the book. She still sucked at the things that mattered, like "feelings" and "relationships" and "not being a shitty person." But I do think it hurt the story. I should be cheering on my protagonist when her wild schemes come together, not rolling my eyes.

Anyway. All that was the aperitif. Let's talk about

THE GRAVE AND GLARING PROBLEM AT THE CENTER OF MT CHAR.

So everything that happens in the book stems from Carolyn's thoroughly justified hatred of Father (and David, but David was made that way by Father). Father treated her, and all of the other kids, with extravagant cruelty. If you haven't read the book in a while, here's a sample of the kinds of things Father did to the kids, or, if David did them, that Father did nothing to prevent:

- Cooked David alive over 2 full days in a giant bronze bull (and made the rest of the kids bring the fuel)

- Put Michael's eyes out with a hot poker every night for 2 weeks (and made the rest of the kids watch)

- Murdered Margaret every few days, often in drawn-out and painful ways

- Made Rachel repeatedly give birth, raise the babies to about 9 months, then murder them with her own hands

- Allowed David to rape all 11 of the other kids (except Jennifer, probably because she was the healer and he wanted to stay on her good side)

- Allowed David to crucify, brutalize and rape Carolyn and Peter

- Gave Carolyn a loving new family for a year when she was nine years old (those two deer), then had David murder them in front of her and blame it on her for not remembering her homework well enough, then served the two deer at a feast to 'celebrate' her returning to the family

- Whippings, skinnings, and bone-breakings as standard disciplinary actions

Whoo-ee! Okay! We are talking about mythological cruelty. I am fine with this! The story takes place on a mythological scale. As outlandish as all of that is, the cruelty feels proportionate in a story about killing and replacing god. Father is cruel, indifferent, controlling, and alien. I have no questions, Carolyn please proceed with your revenge. We seemed on track for a tale in which Carolyn defeats Father, but in doing so she runs the risk of becoming him. Will she step back from the brink and retain her humanity after all of the trauma and brutality she's endured? Let's find out!

And then

and then.

Oh boy.

And then.

...It turns out, Father is a good guy after all.

And let me be clear: THIS IS NOT, IN AND OF ITSELF, A PROBLEM.

By the time you learn that Father is actually benevolent, and loved those kids, and cares about being a responsible steward to the world, and tried to leave the universe a better place than he found it, and genuinely regretted the suffering he inflicted on them when they were growing up, it feels kind of...natural? Like, I was surprised, but also not, because there were 90 pages of book left and Carolyn had already become god. This seemed like a thematically meaningful place to take the rest of the story.

It turns out Father was training Carolyn to replace him the entire time. He had to make her hate David because it was important that she "defeat a monster" on her path to becoming god. (It's not explained why she had to defeat a monster, but sure, okay; it's the kind of mythic feat that fits with the story we're in.)

Why did he choose Carolyn to be his successor? Well, originally he chose David, but David wasn't strong enough: every time Carolyn was the monster in David's story, she defeated him, and went on to rule the universe as an unspeakable tyrant. Since Carolyn always won, Father swapped their roles. He knew he had made the right choice when he put David into the bronze bull, and heard David begging for mercy: because when Carolyn had been the fated monster, she had never begged.

...Okay, so...hang on.

Hang on.

The only rule that we've established on "how to become god" is "you have to defeat a monster," right? I'll even grant you for free that it has to be a monster who is personally meaningful to you, although that part is never stated. Overcoming a great evil which has cast you down and abused you many times before, sure, okay.

...Why the FUCK did all that other awful shit have to happen??

I did not have this question when Father was just evil! That was a good enough explanation! But now that he's not evil, you HAVE TO EXPLAIN why he treated all of the kids so brutally!

Like dude you're GOD. If you need a monster for Carolyn, I'm sure you can make that happen without TORTURING CHILDREN FOR DECADES.

There didn't even need to be any other children! You could have two kids: the languages-kid, who is the chosen one (the chosen one has to be the languages-kid so they can read the Onyx Codex or whatever it was called at the end, the one written by Original God), and the war-and-murder kid, who is the monster. They could have just been forbidden to read the other codices, if it's important to you that your chosen one still prove her resourcefulness or whatever.

Why include all of the other kids??? It wasn't to give your chosen one a sense of family: Carolyn didn't feel close to any of them except for Michael (who I liked, but whose contribution to the plot was negligible).

Or keep the kids! But then why make them, and Carolyn, hate you?? You could just say, "Hey Carolyn, I am raising you to be my successor, you have to figure it out yourself because part of proving your worthiness is this kind of abstract, big-picture thinking, but I love you and whatever you end up deciding to do, just believe in yourself." And meanwhile you're off torturing the fated monster in order to get him piping hot and ready to be served.

Was the idea that Carolyn had to endure so much horror in order to prove she was 'tough enough' to be god?? Because that's not how trauma works! Kids who have been brutally traumatized are usually not made tougher by the experience! A fact that even the book understands, because 10 of the 12 kids are completely destroyed by their upbringing (I'm giving marginal exceptions to Michael and Carolyn herself).

And like

if Father doesn't have a good reason for having treated them so badly, the whole book falls apart!

Because getting revenge for that cruelty is Carolyn's whole motivation!

We are clearly supposed to feel okay about Father going to make a new universe at the end of the book: he's going with his cool tiger friend and that little girl with the connection to the elemental plane of joy who used to be the sun, he's happy to see Carolyn embracing compassion and kindness, which means he cares about compassion and kindness. He invented light and pleasure. Carolyn does nothing to try to stop him from going. He seems like a pretty good candidate for god. And I do feel okay with him leaving! I was convinced! Father is not evil after all!

But then you have! to explain! the abuse!!

It can be a throwaway line!! "Carolyn realized that everything she and her siblings went through had to happen the way it did, because [X]," embedded in the middle of a paragraph! That would have been enough! But I need an explanation!

"They were raised the way Father was raised himself" WHY? He was raised by the Emperor, an on-the-record awful fucking dude! Father proceeded to rule the universe in a far more benevolent way than the Emperor did, why would he feel like he had to raise his kids the way the Emperor raised him?

"Carolyn needed to overcome challenges on her path to godhood" how is TRAUMATIZING HER SO BADLY SHE ALMOST BECOMES INHUMAN - SOMETHING YOU WERE OSTENSIBLY TRYING TO PREVENT, see Steve being preserved as something that could give her hope, etc - A "CHALLENGE??"

Again, none of this is a problem if Father is just evil! YOU CHOSE to make him not evil! And that's fine!! I think it's a good choice for the story actually!! But then you have to, you have to, HAVE TO explain why all of that bad shit happened!

Because all of that bad shit is the reason Carolyn made there be a story.

And it turns out it doesn't make sense.

[michaelbogild]

Lines by Leonard Cohen

As someone long prepared for the occasion In full command of every plan you wrecked – Do not choose a coward’s explanation that hides behind the cause and the effect

And it's stronger than drink And it's deeper than sorrow This darkness she's left in my heart.

And I'll dance with you in Vienna I'll be wearing a river's disguise The hyacinth wild on my shoulder, My mouth on the dew of your thighs

He wants to write a love song An anthem of forgiving A manual for living With defeat

The birds they sang At the break of day Start again I heard them say Don't dwell on what Has passed away Or what is yet to be.

You never liked to get The letters that I sent. But now you've got the gist Of what my letters meant. You're reading them again, The ones you didn't burn. You press them to your lips, My pages of concern.

I caught the darkness It was drinking from your cup. I said: Is this contagious? You said: Just drink it up

Everybody talking to their pockets Everybody wants a box of chocolates And a long stem rose Everybody knows

A cross on every hill A star, a minaret So many graves to fill O love, aren't you tired yet?

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming Everybody knows that it's moving fast Everybody knows that the naked man and woman Are just a shining artifact of the past

Yeah I missed you since the place got wrecked By the winds of change and the weeds of sex looks like freedom but it feels like death it's something in between, I guess

I walked into this empty church I had no place else to go When the sweetest voice I ever heard, whispered to my soul

I heard the snake was baffled by his sin He shed his scales to find the snake within But born again is born without a skin The poison enters into everything

And summoned now to deal With your invincible defeat, You live your life as if it’s real, A Thousand Kisses Deep.

I’m slowing down the tune I never liked it fast You want to get there soon I want to get there last

When they said REPENT REPENT I wonder what they meant

Her thighs they slipped away from me Like schools of startled fish Though I've forgotten half my life I still remember this

And if no leaves were on the tree And no water in the sea And the break of day had nothing to reveal That's how broken I would be What my life would seem to me If I didn't have your love to make it real

And yes she lied about it all Her children and her husband You were born to judge the world Forgive me but I wasn't

O troubled dust concealing An undivided love The Heart beneath is teaching To the broken Heart above

The pull of the moon, the thrust of the sun And thus the ocean is crossed The waters are blessed while a shadowy guest Kindles a light for the lost

How come you called me here tonight? How come you bother With my heart at all? You raise me up in grace, Then you put me in a place, Where I must fall.

And everybody knows that it's now or never Everybody knows that it's me or you And everybody knows that you live forever Ah when you've done a line or two

It's coming like the tidal flood beneath the lunar sway, imperial, mysterious, in amorous array:

The lights went out behind us The fireflies undressed The broken sidewalk ended I touched her sleeping breasts They opened to me urgently Likelilies from the dead Behind a fine embroidery Her nipples rose like bread Then I took off my necktie And she took off her dress My belt and pistol set aside We tore away the rest

The Maestro says it's Mozart but it sounds like bubble gum when you're waiting for the miracle, for the miracle to come.

The sea so deep and blind The sun, the wild regret The club, the wheel, the mind, O love, aren't you tired yet?

The wounded forms appear: The loss, the full extent; And simple kindness here, The solitude of strength.

If the sun would lose its light And we lived in an endless night And there was nothing left that you could feel If the sea were sand alone And the flowers made of stone And no one that you hurt could ever heal Well that's how broken I would be What my life would seem to me If I didn't have your love to make it real

But you'll be hearing from me baby, long after I'm gone I'll be speaking to you sweetly From a window in the Tower of Song

I said I’d be your lover. You laughed at what I said. I lost my job forever. I was counted with the dead.

It failed my little fire But it's bright the dying spark Go tell the young messiah What happens to the heart

Good night, good night, my fallen star I guess you're right, you always are I know you're right about the blues You live some life you'd never choose

looks like freedom but it feels like death it's something in between, I guess

I've seen you change the water into wine I've seen you change it back to water, too I sit at your table every night I try but I just don't get high with you

The present's not that pleasant Just a lot of things to do I thought the past would last me But the darkness got that too

The splinters that you carry The cross you left behind Come healing of the body Come healing of the mind

I wish there was a treaty we could sign I do not care who takes this bloody hill I'm angry and I'm tired all the time I wish there was a treaty, I wish there was a treaty Between your love and mine

I’m lacing up my shoe But I don’t want to run I’ll get here when I do Don’t need no starting gun

Thanks For The Dance

Ah, they're dancing in the street — it's Jubilee We sold ourselves for love but now we're free I'm so sorry for that ghost I made you be Only one of us was real and that was me

And I'm still working with the wine, still dancing cheek to cheek, the band is playing Auld Lang Syne, but the heart will not retreat.

And maybe I had miles to drive, And promises to keep: You ditch it all to stay alive, A Thousand Kisses Deep.

Baby don’t ignore me We were smokers we were friends Forget that tired story Of betrayal and revenge

So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all I'm standing by the window where the light is strong Ah they don't let a woman kill you Not in the Tower of Song

Show me the place, help me roll away the stone Show me the place, I can't move this thing alone Show me the place where the word became a man Show me the place where the suffering began

And you're weak and you're harmless and you're sleeping in your harness and the wind going wild in the trees, and it ain't exactly prison but you'll never be forgiven for whatever you've done with the keys.

Steer your heart past the Truth that you believed in yesterday Such as Fundamental Goodness and the Wisdom of the Way Steer your heart, precious heart, past the women whom you bought Year by year, month by month, day by day Thought by thought

Word of words and measure of all measures Blessed is the name, the name be blessed Written on my heart in burning letters That’s all I know, I cannot read the rest

And O my love, I still recall The pleasures that we knew; The rivers and the waterfall, Wherein I bathed with you.

You said how could this happen You said how can this be The chains are gone from heaven The storms are wild and free

I cried for you this morning And I’ll cry for you again But I’m not in charge of sorrow So please don’t ask me when

Both of us say there are laws to obey But frankly I don’t like your tone You want to change the way I make love I want to leave it alone

Behold the gates of mercy In arbitrary space And none of us deserving The cruelty or the grace

Then I came back from where I’d been. My room, it looked the same – But there was nothing left between The Nameless and the Name.

O longing of the branches To lift the little bud O longing of the arteries To purify the blood

I to my side call the meek and the mild You to your side call the Word By virtue of suffering I claim to have won You claim to have never been heard

I know I said I’d meet you, I’d meet you at the store, But I can’t buy it, baby. I can’t buy it anymore.

I was idle with my soul, when I heard that you could use me I followed very closely, but my life remained the same But then you showed me where you had been wounded In every atom broken is the Name

I fled to the edge of the mighty sea of sorrow Pursued by the riders of a cruel and dark regime But the waters parted and my soul crossed over Out of Egypt, out of Pharaoh’s dream

They whisper still, the injured stones The blunted mountains weep As he died to make men holy Let us die to make things cheap

Sounded like the truth Seemed the better way Sounded like the truth But it's not the truth today

Hurt once and for all into silence. A long pain ending without a song to prove it. Who could stand beside you so close to Eden, When you glinted in every eye the held-high razor, shivering every ram and son?

Sleep baby sleep The day’s on the run The wind in the trees Is talking in tongues

And I loved you when our love was blessed and I love you now there's nothing left

There's silt on your ankles and sand on your feet The river too shallow, the ocean too deep You smile at your suffering, the sweetest reprieve Why did you leave us, why did you leave

I saw some people starving There was murder, there was rape Their villages were burning They were trying to escape I couldn't meet their glances I was staring at my shoes It was acid, it was tragic It was almost like the blues

If you want a partner Take my hand Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand, I'm your man

Ah I don't believe you'd like it, You wouldn't like it here. There ain't no entertainment and the judgements are severe.

The opposites falter, the spirals reverse And Eve must re-enter the sleep of her birth

I don't need to be forgiven for loving you so much It's written in the scriptures It's written there in blood I even heard the angels declare it from above

Sometimes I’d head for the highway I’m old and the mirrors don’t lie But crazy has places to hide in That are deeper than any goodbye

If you want a boxer I will step into the ring for you And if you want a doctor I'll examine every inch of you

Yeah we're drinking and we're dancing but there's nothing really happening and the place is dead as Heaven on a Saturday night And my very close companion gets me fumbling gets me laughing she's a hundred but she's wearing something tight and I lift my glass to the Awful Truth which you can't reveal to the Ears of Youth except to say it isn't worth a dime And the whole damn place goes crazy twice and it's once for the devil and once for Christ but the Boss don't like these dizzy heights we're busted in the blinding lights, busted in the blinding lights of CLOSING TIME

I want him to be certain That he doesn't have a burden That he doesn't need a vision That he only has permission To do my instant bidding which is to Say what I have told him to repeat

Though I take my song From a withered limb, Both song and tree, They sing for him.

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking Everybody knows that the captain lied Everybody got this broken feeling Like their father or their dog just died

Ditched on a beach Where the sea hates to go With a child in my arms And a chill in my soul And my heart the shape Of a begging bowl

And she says, Drink deeply, pilgrim but don't forget there's still a woman beneath this resplendent chemise.

You don't need a lawyer I'm not making a claim You don't need to surrender I'm not taking aim I don't need a lover, no, no The wretched beast is tame I don't need a lover So blow out the flame

O gather up the brokenness And bring it to me now The fragrance of those promises You never dared to vow

And I don’t really know who sent me, To raise my voice and say: May the lights in The Land of Plenty Shine on the truth some day.

There's a bar where the boys have stopped talking They've been sentenced to death by the blues

I know the burden’s heavy As you wheel it through the night Some people say it’s empty But that don’t mean it’s light

Ten New Songs

I better hold my tongue I better take my place Lift this glass of blood Try to say the grace

You came to me this morning and you handled me like meat. You’d have to be a man to know how good that feels, how sweet.

A sip of wine, a cigarette, And then it’s time to go. I tidied up the kitchenette; I tuned the old banjo. I’m wanted at the traffic-jam. They’re saving me a seat. I’m what I am, and what I am, Is back on Boogie Street.

Down in the valley the famine goes on The famine up on the hill I say that you shouldn’t, you couldn’t, you can’t You say that you must and you will

So we struggle and we stagger down the snakes and up the ladder to the tower where the blessed hours chime and I swear it happened just like this: a sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss the Gates of Love they budged an inch I can't say much has happened since

And I'll bury my soul in a scrapbook, With the photographs there, and the moss And I'll yield to the flood of your beauty My cheap violin and my cross

Then she dances so graceful and your heart's hard and hateful and she's naked but that's just a tease. And you turn in disgust from your hatred and from your love and comes to you light as the breeze.

I see the Ghost of Culture With numbers on his wrist Salute some new conclusion Which all of us have missed

I tried to love you my way, But I couldn’t make it hold. So I closed the Book of Longing And I do what I am told.

And up through the system the worlds are withdrawn From every dominion the mind stood upon And now that it's over and now that it's done The name has no number, not even the one

You got me singing Like a prisoner in a jail You got me singing Like my pardon's in the mail

You can add up the parts But you won't have the sum You can strike up the march, There is no drum Every heart, every heart To love will come But like a refugee.

Everybody knows you've been discreet But there were so many people you just had to meet Without your clothes And everybody knows

It's coming from the sorrow in the street, the holy places where the races meet; from the homicidal bitchin' that goes down in every kitchen to determine who will serve and who will eat. From the wells of disappointment where the women kneel to pray for the grace of God in the desert here and the desert far away:

Even though she sleeps upon your satin Even though she wakes you with a kiss Do not say the moment was imagined Do not stoop to strategies like this

I smile when I'm angry I cheat and I lie I do what I have to do To get by But I know what is wrong And I know what is right And I'd die for the truth In My Secret Life

I loved you for your beauty but that doesn't make a fool of me: you were in it for your beauty too and I loved you for your body there's a voice that sounds like God to me declaring, declaring, declaring that your body's really you

O baby I waited so long for your kiss for something to happen, oh something like this.

O let the heavens falter And let the earth proclaim: Come healing of the Altar Come healing of the Name

If you're squeezed for information, that's when you've got to play it dumb: You just say you're out there waiting for the miracle, for the miracle to come.

You put on a uniform To fight the Civil War You looked so good I didn’t care What side you’re fighting for

Did you confuse the Messiah in a mirror and rest because he had finally come? Let me cry Help beside you, Teacher.

It's coming to America first, the cradle of the best and of the worst. It's here they got the range and the machinery for change and it's here they got the spiritual thirst. It's here the family's broken and it's here the lonely say that the heart has got to open in a fundamental way:

I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get? Hank Williams hasn't answered yet But I hear him coughing all night long A hundred floors above me In the Tower of Song

Sail on, sail on O mighty Ship of State! To the Shores of Need Past the Reefs of Greed Through the Squalls of Hate Sail on, sail on

Ah the wars they will Be fought again The holy dove She will be caught again Bought and sold And bought again The dove is never free.

I should have seen it coming It was right behind your eyes You were young and it was summer I just had to take a dive Winning you was easy But darkness was the prize

The party’s over But I’ve landed on my feet I’ll be standing on this corner Where there used to be a street

I know you had to lie to me, I know you had to cheat, to pose all hot and high behind the veils of shear deceit, our perfect porn aristocrat so elegant and cheap, I’m old but I’m still into that, A thousand kisses deep.

It’s not a trick, your senses all deceiving A fitful dream, the morning will exhaust – Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost

If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you

It's dark now and it's snowing O my love I must be going, The river has started to freeze. And I'm sick of pretending I'm broken from bending I've lived too long on my knees.

Well I don't know about tomorrow but I know what's coming next I've used up all my questions; I have no answers left

As for the world the job the war I ditched them all to love you more

The story's been written the letter's been sealed You gave me a lily but now it's a field

Your story was so long, The plot was so intense, It took you years to cross The lines of self-defense.

And soon there's sand in every kiss And soon the dawn is ready And soon the night surrenders To a daffodil machete

Waiting for the miracle There's nothing left to do. I haven't been this happy since the end of World War II.

The troubles came I saved what I could save A thread of light, a particle, a wave But there were chains, so I hastened to behave There were chains, so I loved you like a slave

his waltz With its very own breath of brandy and Death Dragging its tail in the sea

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom For trying to change the system from within I'm coming now, I'm coming to reward them First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

They oughta give my heart a medal For letting go of you When I turned my back on the devil Turned my back on the angel too

Had to go crazy to love you You who were never the one Whom I chased through the souvenir heartache Her braids and her blouse all undone

Well the mouse ate the crumb Then the cat ate the crust Now they’ve fallen in love They’re talking in tongues

There’s other ways to answer That certainly is true Me, I’m blind with death and anger And that’s no place for you

I'm guided by a signal in the heavens I'm guided by this birthmark on my skin I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons

I was fighting with temptation But I didn't want to win A man like me don't like to see Temptation caving in

I know that I’m forgiven, But I don’t know how I know I don’t trust my inner feelings – Inner feelings come and go.

And sometimes when the night is slow, The wretched and the meek, We gather up our hearts and go, A Thousand Kisses Deep.

I dreamed about you, baby. It was just the other night. Most of you was naked Ah but some of you was light.

I don’t know why I come here, knowing as I do, what you really think of me, what I really think of you.

Had to go crazy to love you Had to let everything fall Had to be people I hated Had to be no one at all

I used to love the rainbow And I used to love the view I loved the early morning I'd pretend that it was new But I caught the darkness baby And I got it worse than you

Traveling light It's au revoir My once so bright, my fallen star I'm running late, they'll close the bar I used to play one mean guitar

I dreamed about you baby You were wearing half your dress I know you have to hate me But could you hate me less?

The night of Santiago And I was passing through So I took her to the river As any man would do

Let's keep it on the level When I walked away from you I turned my back on the devil Turned my back on the angel too

I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed, I’m back on Boogie Street. You lose your grip, and then you slip Into the Masterpiece.

So we'll go no more a-roving So late into the night, Though the heart be still as loving, And the moon be still as bright. For the sword outwears its sheath, And the soul outwears the breast, And the heart must pause to breathe, And love itself have rest.

You got me singing Even tho' it all looks grim You got me singing The Hallelujah hymn

I'm aching for you baby I can't pretend I'm not I need to see you naked In your body and your thought

If your heart is torn I don’t wonder why If the night is long Here’s my lullaby

I'm sentimental, if you know what I mean I love the country but I can't stand the scene. And I'm neither left or right I'm just staying home tonight, getting lost in that hopeless little screen.

Now in Vienna there's ten pretty women There's a shoulder where Death comes to cry There's a lobby with nine hundred windows There's a tree where the doves go to die There's a piece that was torn from the morning And it hangs in the Gallery of Frost

Oh I want you, I want you, I want you On a chair with a dead magazine In the cave at the tip of the lily In some hallways where love's never been On a bed where the moon has been sweating In a cry filled with footsteps and sand

And everybody knows that you're in trouble Everybody knows what you've been through From the bloody cross on top of Calvary To the beach of Malibu

Ah you drift into my dreams as if you had the right And you show me how you broke me doing all the little things I really like

I gave her something pretty And I waited till she laughed I wasn't born a gypsy To make a woman sad

There is no God in Heaven And there is no Hell below So says the great professor Of all there is to know But I've had the invitation That a sinner can't refuse And it's almost like salvation It's almost like the blues

The war was lost The treaty signed I was not caught I crossed the line, I had to leave My life behind I dug some graves You'll never findI was not caught Though many tried I live among you Well disguised

Now I'm living in this temple Where they tell you what to do I'm old and I've had to settle On a different point of view

Too late to fix another drink – The lights are going out – I’ll listen to the darkness sing – I know what that’s about.

I loved you when you opened like a lily to the heat, you see I’m just another snowman standing in the rain and sleet, who loved you with his frozen love, his second hand physique, with all he is, and all he was, A thousand kisses deep.

And death is old But it's always new I freeze with fear And I'm there for you

I don't smoke no cigarette I don't drink no alcohol I ain't had much loving yet But that's always been your call Hey I don't miss it baby I got no taste for anything at all

I’ll try to say a little more: Love went on and on Until it reached an open door – Then Love Itself Love Itself was gone.

I said there'd been a flood. I said there's nothing left. I hoped that you would come. I gave you my address.

So I let my heart get frozen To keep away the rot My father says I'm chosen My mother says I'm not

O Crown of Light, O Darkened One, I never thought we’d meet. You kiss my lips, and then it’s done: I’m back on Boogie Street.

Ah, the moon's too bright The chain's too tight The beast won't go to sleep

And he cut my lip And he cut my heart. So I could not drink From the river dark.

O solitude of longing Where love has been confined Come healing of the body Come healing of the mind

My mirrored twin, my next of kin, I’d know you in my sleep and who but you would take me in, a thousand kisses deep.

Suddenly the night has grown colder The god of love preparing to depart Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder They slip between the sentries of the heart

But I'm stubborn as those garbage bags that Time cannot decay, I'm junk but I'm still holding up this little wild bouquet

The autumn moved across your skin, got something in my eye, a light that doesn’t need to live, and doesn’t need to die. A riddle in the book of love, obscure and obsolete, till witnessed here in time and blood, A thousand kisses deep.

There's nobody missing There is no reward Little by little We're cutting the cord We're spending the treasure, oh, no, no That love cannot afford I know you can feel it The sweetness restored

The ponies run, the girls are young, The odds are there to beat. You win a while, and then it’s done – Your little winning streak.

I like to take my time I like to linger as it flies A weekend on your lips A lifetime in your eyes

Then he struck my heart With a deadly force, And he said, ‘This heart: It is not yours.’

Everybody knows that you love me baby Everybody knows that you really do Everybody knows that you've been faithful Ah give or take a night or two

Steer your way past the ruins of the Altar and the Mall Steer your way through the fables of Creation and The Fall Steer your way past the Palaces that rise above the rot Year by year, month by month, day by day Thought by thought

Your crazy fragrance all around Your secrets in my view My lost, my lost was saying found My don't was saying do

Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering There is a crack a crack in everything That's how the light gets in.

Steer your way through the pain that is far more real than you That's smashed the Cosmic Model, that blinded every view And please don't make me go there, though there be a God or not Year by year, month by month, day by day Thought by thought

You sent me here You sent me there Breaking things I can't repair Making objects Out of thoughts Making more By thinking not

And you who were bewildered by a meaning Whose code was broken, crucifix uncrossed – Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost

I see you standing on the other side I don't know how the river got so wide I loved you baby, way back when And all the bridges are burning that we might have crossed But I feel so close to everything that we lost We'll never, we'll never have to lose it again

If you are the dealer, I'm out of the game If you are the healer, it means I'm broken and lame If thine is the glory then mine must be the shame You want it darker We kill the flame

I used to be your favorite drunk Good for one more laugh Then we both ran out of luck Luck was all we ever had

There'll be the breaking of the ancient Western code Your private life will suddenly explode There'll be phantoms There'll be fires on the road And the white man dancing You'll see your woman Hanging upside down Her features covered by her fallen gown And all the lousy little poets Coming round Tryin' to sound like Charlie Manson

Confined to sex, we pressed against The limits of the sea: I saw there were no oceans left For scavengers like me.

I was born like this, I had no choice I was born with the gift of a golden voice And twenty-seven angels from the Great Beyond They tied me to this table right here In the Tower of Song

I’m naked and I’m filthy And both of us are guilty

the fiddler fiddles something so sublime all the women tear their blouses off and the men they dance on the polka-dots and it's partner found, it's partner lost and it's hell to pay when the fiddler stops

I've seen the future, brother: It is murder

Who broke the heart and made it new? Who's moving on, who's kiddin' who?

So I knelt there at the delta, at the alpha and the omega, at the cradle of the river and the seas. And like a blessing come from heaven for something like a second I was healed and my heart was at ease.

And there's a mighty judgment coming, but I may be wrong You see, you hear these funny voices In the Tower of Song

Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure They gain the light, they formlessly entwine And radiant beyond your widest measure They fall among the voices and the wine

When you've fallen on the highway and you're lying in the rain, and they ask you how you're doing of course you'll say you can't complain

You always said we’re equal So let me march with you Just an extra in the sequel To the old red white and blue

She stands before you naked you can see it, you can taste it, and she comes to you light as the breeze. Now you can drink it or you can nurse it, it don't matter how you worship as long as you're down on your knees.

By the rivers dark I wandered on. I lived my life in Babylon. And I did forget My holy song: And I had no strength In Babylon.

All your moves are swift All your turns are tight Let me catch my breath I thought we had all night

Democracy is coming to the U.S.A. It's coming through a crack in the wall; on a visionary flood of alcohol; from the staggering account of the Sermon on the Mount which I don't pretend to understand at all. It's coming from the silence on the dock of the bay, from the brave, the bold, the battered heart of Chevrolet: Democracy is coming to the U.S.A.

And let the heavens hear it The penitential hymn Come healing of the spirit Come healing of the limb

There's a lover in the story But the story's still the same There's a lullaby for suffering And a paradox to blame But it's written in the scriptures And it's not some idle claim You want it darker We kill the flame

I was alone on the road, your love was so confusing And all my teachers told me that I had myself to blame But in the grip of sensual illusion A sweet unknowing unified the name

Magnified, sanctified, be thy holy name Vilified, crucified, in the human frame A million candles burning for the help that never came

They're lining up the prisoners And the guards are taking aim I struggled with some demons They were middle class and tame I didn't know I had permission to murder and to maim

So come, my friends, be not afraid. We are so lightly here. It is in love that we are made; In love we disappear.

I see my life In full review It was never me It was always you

We'll be going down so deep the river's going to weep, and the mountain's going to shout Amen!

Show me the place where my head is bendin' low Show me the place where you want your slave to go

I’m tired of choosing desire I been saved by a blessed fatigue The gates of commitment unwired And nobody trying to leave

Yeah my friends are gone and my hair is grey I ache in the places where I used to play And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on I'm just paying my rent every day Oh in the Tower of Song

There's an attic where children are playing Where I've got to lie down with you soon In a dream of Hungarian lanterns In the mist of some sweet afternoon And I'll see what you've chained to your sorrow All your sheep and your lilies of snow

We find ourselves on different sides Of a line nobody drew Though it all may be one in the higher eye Down here where we live it is two

I've seen the nations rise and fall I've heard their stories, heard them all But love's the only engine of survival Your servant here, he has been told To say it clear, to say it cold: It's over, it ain't going Any further And now the wheels of heaven stop You feel the devil's riding crop Get ready for the future: It is murder

I've heard the soul unfolds in the chambers of its longing And the bitter liquor sweetens in the hammered cup Ah but all the ladders of the night have fallen Just darkness now, to lift the longing up

Why don’t you come on back to the war, that’s right, get in it, why don’t you come on back to the war, it’s just beginning.

If your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn they will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.

An Eskimo showed me a movie he’d recently taken of you: the poor man could hardly stop shivering, his lips and his fingers were blue. I suppose that he froze when the wind took your clothes and I guess he just never got warm. But you stand there so nice, in your blizzard of ice, oh please let me come into the storm.

I loved your master perfectly I taught him all that he knew. He was starving in some deep mystery like a man who is sure what is true.

I have begun to long for you, I who have no greed; I have begun to ask for you, I who have no need. You say you’ve gone away from me, but I can feel you when you breathe.

Hungry as an archway through which the troops have passed, I stand in ruins behind you, with your winter clothes, your broken sandal straps.

Well, you tell me that your lover has a broken limb, you say you’re kind of restless now and it’s on account of him.

Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon Show me slowly what I only know the limits of Dance me to the end of love

I tried to leave you, I don’t deny I closed the book on us, at least a hundred times.

And I can’t wait to tell you to your face And I can’t wait for you to take my place You are The Naked Angel In My Heart You are The Woman With Her Legs Apart It’s written on the walls of this hotel You go to heaven once you’ve been to hell

Then let the other selves be wrong, yeah, let them manifest and come till every taste is on the tongue, till love is pierced and love is hung, and every kind of freedom done

O come with me my little one, we will find that farm and grow us grass and apples there and keep all the animals warm. And if by chance I wake at night and I ask you who I am, O take me to the slaughterhouse, I will wait there with the lamb.

Ah they’re shutting down the factory now Just when all the bills are due And the fields they’re under lock and key Tho’ the rain and the sun come through And springtime starts but then it stops In the name of something new And all the senses rise against this Coming back to you

Like a baby, stillborn, like a beast with his horn I have torn everyone who reached out for me.

We met when we were almost young deep in the green lilac park. You held on to me like I was a crucifix, as we went kneeling through the dark.

And there are no letters in the mailbox, and there are no grapes upon the vine, and there are no chocolates in the boxes anymore, and there are no diamonds in the mine.

I cried, “Oh, Lady Midnight, I fear that you grow old, the stars eat your body and the wind makes you cold

So daily I renew my idle duty I touch her here and there – I know my place I kiss her open mouth and I praise her beauty and people call me traitor to my face

But my darling says “Leonard, just let it go by That old silhouette on the great western sky” So I pick out a tune and they move right along and they’re gone like the smoke and they’re gone like this song

And why are you so quiet now standing there in the doorway? You chose your journey long before you came upon this highway.

But I swear by this song and by all that I have done wrong I will make it all up to thee.

It was deep into his fiery heart he took the dust of Joan of Arc, and then she clearly understood if he was fire, oh then she must be wood.

And Jesus was a sailor When he walked upon the water And he spent a long time watching From his lonely wooden tower And when he knew for certain Only drowning men could see him He said “All men will be sailors then Until the sea shall free them” But he himself was broken Long before the sky would open Forsaken, almost human He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone And you want to travel with him And you want to travel blind And you think maybe you’ll trust him For he’s touched your perfect body with his mind.

Your master took you travelling, well at least that’s what you said. And now do you come back to bring your prisoner wine and bread?

Your pain is no credential here, it’s just the shadow, shadow of my wound.

And here where there is no description Oh here in the moment at hand No sinner need rise up forgiven No victim need limp to the stand

I met a woman long ago her hair the black that black can go, Are you a teacher of the heart? Soft she answered no. I met a girl across the sea, her hair the gold that gold can be, Are you a teacher of the heart? Yes, but not for thee.

Oh bless thee continuous stutter Of the word being made into flesh

The cripple here that you clothe and feed is neither starved nor cold; he does not ask for your company, not at the centre, the centre of the world.

Yes, you who are broken by power, you who are absent all day, you who are kings for the sake of your children’s story, the hand of your beggar is burdened down with money, the hand of your lover is clay.

the patron Saint of envy and the grocer of despair

She used to wear her hair like you except when she was sleeping, and then she’d weave it on a loom of smoke and gold and breathing.

And may the spirit of this song, may it rise up pure and free. May it be a shield for you, a shield against the enemy.

And deep into his fiery heart he took the dust of Joan of Arc, and high above the wedding guests he hung the ashes of her wedding dress.

to wear upon my swollen appetite.“ Well, I’m glad to hear you talk this way, you know I’ve watched you riding every day and something in me yearns to win such a cold and lonesome heroine.

Come over to the window, my little darling, I’d like to try to read your palm. I used to think I was some kind of Gypsy boy before I let you take me home.

Then I took the dust of a long sleepless night and I put it in your little shoe. And then I confess that I tortured the dress that you wore for the world to look through.

And the light came from her body And the night went through her grace All summer long she touched me And I knew her, I knew her Face to face

Let’s meet tomorrow if you choose Upon the shore, beneath the bridge That they are building on some endless river

And I’ve read the Bill of Human Rights And some of it was true But there wasn’t any burden left So I’m laying it on you.”

I listened to your kisses at the door I never heard the world so clear before You ran your bath and you began to sing I felt so good I couldn’t feel a thing

Like a worm on a hook, like a knight from some old fashioned book I have saved all my ribbons for thee.

Now the flames they followed Joan of Arc as she came riding through the dark; no moon to keep her armour bright, no man to get her through this very smoky night.

And we read from pleasant Bibles that are bound in blood and skin That the wilderness is gathering All its children back again

And now this woman by your side, well, she’s asleep And there’s nothing you can give her and there’s nothing you want to keep

Just take this longing from my tongue all the lonely things my hands have done. Let me see your beauty broken down like you would do for one your love.

And she shows you where to look Among the garbage and the flowers There are heroes in the seaweed There are children in the morning They are leaning out for love And they will lean that way forever While Suzanne holds the mirror

Ah but if you cannot raise your love To a very high degree, Then you’re just the man I’ve been thinking of – So come and stand with me.

You who wish to conquer pain, you must learn, learn to serve me well.

Why don’t you try to do without him? Why don’t you try to live alone? Do you really need his hands for your passion? Do you really need his heart for your throne?

I left a wife in Tennessee And a baby in Saigon – I risked my life, but not to hear Some country-western song.

I did my best, it wasn’t much I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you And even though it all went wrong I’ll stand before the Lord of Song With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Oh take this longing from my tongue, all the useless things my hands have done, untie for me your hired blue gown, like you would do for one that you love.

I heard of a saint who had loved you, so I studied all night in his school. He taught that the duty of lovers is to tarnish the golden rule. And just when I was sure that his teachings were pure he drowned himself in the pool. His body is gone but back here on the lawn his spirit continues to drool.

It’s like our visit to the moon or to that other star I guess you go for nothing if you really want to go that far.

Well I’ve been where you’re hanging, I think I can see how you’re pinned: When you’re not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you’ve sinned.

I lit a thin green candle, to make you jealous of me. But the room just filled up with mosquitos, they heard that my body was free.

Too early for the rainbow, too early for the dove These are the final days, this is the darkness, this is the flood And there is no man or woman can be touched But you who come between them will be judged

He tried to make a final stand beside the railway track She said, “The art of longing’s over and it’s never coming back.”

The judges said you missed it by a fraction rise up and brace your troops for the attack Ah the dreamers ride against the men of action Oh see the men of action falling back

Now the crickets are singing The vesper bells ringing The cat’s curled asleep in his chair I’ll go down to Bill’s Bar I can make it that far And I’ll see if my friends are still there Yes, and here’s to the few Who forgive what you do And the fewer who don’t even care And the night comes on It’s very calm I want to cross over, I want to go home But she says, Go back, go back to the World

Those who dance, begin to dance Those who weep begin Those who earnestly are lost Are lost and lost again

I asked my father, I said, “Father change my name.” The one I’m using now it’s covered up with fear and filth and cowardice and shame.

Even in your arms I know I’ll never get it right Even when you bend to give me Comfort in the night

And the last time that I saw her she was living with some boy who gives her soul an empty room and gives her body joy.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Ah, there is no comfort in the covens of the witch, some very clever doctor went and sterilized the bitch, and the only man of energy, yes the revolution’s pride, he trained a hundred women just to kill an unborn child.

Oh, your chains are too dark For the seas you must swim You are smiling at the seaweed But your smile is too grim

And I thank you, I thank you for doing your duty, you keepers of truth, you guardians of beauty. Your vision is right, my vision is wrong, I’m sorry for smudging the air with my song.

But here, right here, between the birthmark and the stain, between the ocean and your open vein, between the snowman and the rain, once again, once again, love calls you by your name.

For now I need your hidden love. I’m cold as a new razor blade. You left when I told you I was curious, I never said that I was brave.

Your letters they all say that you’re beside me now. Then why do I feel alone? I’m standing on a ledge and your fine spider web is fastening my ankle to a stone.

I leave the lady meditating on the very love which I, I do not wish to claim, I journey down the hundred steps, but the street is still the very same.

And I sing this for the captain Whose ship has not been built For the mother in confusion Her cradle still unfilled

Well, I argued all night like so many have before, saying, “Whatever you give me, I seem to need so much more.” Then she pointed at me where I kneeled on her floor, she said, “Don’t try to use me or slyly refuse me, just win me or lose me, it is this that the darkness is for.”

Some girls wander by mistake into the mess that scalpels make. Are you the teachers of my heart? We teach old hearts to break.

And now the infant with his cord is hauled in like a kite, and one eye filled with blueprints, one eye filled with night.

I believe that you heard your master sing when I was sick in bed. I suppose that he told you everything that I keep locked away in my head.

Do you remember all of those pledges That we pledged in the passionate night Ah they’re soiled now, they’re torn at the edges Like moths on a still yellow light No penance serves to renew them No massive transfusions of trust Why not even revenge can undo them So twisted these vows and so crushed

I am the distance you put between all of the moments that we will be.

I choose the rooms that I live in with care, the windows are small and the walls almost bare, there’s only one bed and there’s only one prayer; I listen all night for your step on the stair.

And now I hear your master sing, you kneel for him to come. His body is a golden string that your body is hanging from.

Through windows in the dark The children come, the children go Like arrows with no targets Like shackles made of snow

Like any dealer he was watching for the card That is so high and wild He’ll never need to deal another He was just some Joseph looking for a manger

Where are you, Judy, where are you, Anne? Where are the paths your heroes came? Wondering out loud as the bandage pulls away, was I, was I only limping, was I really lame?

And it’s time for the burden it’s time for the whip Will she walk through the flame Can he shoot from the hip

Now I’ve heard there was a secret chord That David played, and it pleased the Lord But you don’t really care for music, do you? It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth The minor fall, the major lift The baffled king composing Hallelujah

But you’ve used up all your coupons except the one that seems to be written on your wrist along with several thousand dreams.

Maybe I’m still hurting I can’t turn the other cheek But you know that I still love you It’s just that I can’t speak I looked for you in everyone And they called me on that too I lived alone but I was only Coming back to you

And they’re handing down my sentence now And I know what I must do Another mile of silence while I’m Coming back to you

The door is open, you can’t close your shelter You try the handle of the road It opens, do not be afraid It’s you my love, you who are the stranger

I’m on the side that’s always lost Against the side of Heaven I’m on the side of Snake-eyes tossed Against the side of Seven.

But you lost them in your freedom And you need him now, you’re wild Blessed is the memory Of everybody’s child

Then fire, make your body cold, I’m going to give you mine to hold,“ saying this she climbed inside to be his one, to be his only bride.

Now the clasp of this union who fastens it tight? Who snaps it asunder the very next night Some say the rider Some say the mare Or that love’s like the smoke beyond all repair

With one hand on the hexagram and one hand on the girl I balance on a wishing well that all men call the world.

As a falling leaf may rest A moment on the air So your head upon my breast So my hand upon your hair

I’m not asking for mercy Not from the man You just don’t ask for mercy While you’re still on the stand

And many nights endure Without a moon or star So we will endure When one is gone and far

And then leaning on your window sill He’ll say one day you caused his will To weaken with your love and warmth and shelter

The rain falls down on last year’s man An hour has gone by And he has not moved his hand But everything will happen if he only gives the word The lovers will rise up And the mountains touch the ground But the skylight is like skin for a drum I’ll never mend And all the rain falls down amen On the works of last year’s man

You’re faithful to the better man, I’m afraid that he left. So let me judge your love affair in this very room where I have sentenced mine to death.

If I, if I have been untrue I hope you know it was never to you.

Then I saw you naked in the early dawn, oh, I hoped you would be someone new. I reached for you but you were gone, so lady I’m going too.

And there’s nothing to follow There’s nowhere to go She’s gone like the summer gone like the snow

That’s all I can say, baby That’s all I can say It wasn’t for nothing That they put me away I fell with my angel Down the chain of command There’s a Law, there’s an Arm, there’s a Hand

Lost in the rages of fragrance Lost in the rags of remorse Lost in the waves of a sickness That loosens the high silver nerves

When I am on a pedestal, you did not raise me there. Your laws do not compel me to kneel grotesque and bare. I myself am the pedestal for this ugly hump at which you stare

We are so small between the stars, so large against the sky, and lost among the subway crowds I try to catch your eye.

You met him at some temple, where they take your clothes at the door. He was just a numberless man in a chair who’d just come back from the war.

And when we fell together all our flesh was like a veil That I had to draw aside to see The serpent eat its tail

Some women wait for Jesus, and some women wait for Cain So I hang upon my altar And I hoist my axe again And I take the one who finds me back to where it all began When Jesus was the honeymoon And Cain was just the man

But I lingered on her thighs a fatal moment I kissed her lips as though I thirsted still My falsity had stung me like a hornet The poison sank and it paralysed my will

in city and in forest they smiled like me and you, but now it’s come to distances and both of us must try, your eyes are soft with sorrow, Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

Now my heart’s like a blister From doing what I do If the moon has a sister It’s got to be you

And where, where, where is my Gypsy wife tonight I’ve heard all the wild reports, they can’t be right But whose head is this she’s dancing with on the threshing floor Whose darkness deepens in her arms a little more

Do you want to be the ditch around a tower? Do you want to be the moonlight in his cave? Do you want to give your blessing to his power as he goes whistling past his daddy, past his daddy’s grave

If it be your will That a voice be true From this broken hill I will sing to you From this broken hill All your praises they shall ring If it be your will To let me sing

The age of lust is giving birth, and both the parents ask the nurse to tell them fairy tales on both sides of the glass.

But let me ask you one more time, O children of the dusk, All these hunters who are shrieking now oh do they speak for us?

And the vow of compassion That you swore through your teeth When the war began to end And the photographs weep

Goodnight, my darling, I hope you’re satisfied, the bed is kind of narrow, but my arms are open wide. And here’s a man still working for your smile.

Yes you who must leave everything that you cannot control. It begins with your family, but soon it comes around to your soul.

I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time, walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me, it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea, but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie, your eyes are soft with sorrow, Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.

Do not dress in those rags for me, I know you are not poor; you don’t love me quite so fiercely now when you know that you are not sure, it is your turn, beloved, it is your flesh that I wear.

A war between the odd and the even.

Well I stepped into an avalanche, it covered up my soul; when I am not this hunchback that you see, I sleep beneath the golden hill.

And here, right here, between the dancer and his cane, between the sailboat and the drain, between the newsreel and your tiny pain, once again, once again, love calls you by your name.

I changed my style to silver I changed my clothes to black And where I would surrender Ah now I would attack

She said, "I’m tired of the war, I want the kind of work I had before, a wedding dress or something white to wear upon my swollen appetite.”

Then lay your rose on the fire The fire give up to the sun The sun give over to splendour In the arms of the high holy one

And draw us near And bind us tight All your children here In their rags of light In our rags of light All dressed to kill And end this night If it be your will

I met a man who lost his mind in some lost place I had to find, follow me the wise man said, but he walked behind.

I asked her to hold me, I said, “Lady, unfold me,” but she scorned me and she told me I was dead and I could never return.

Well I lived with a child of snow when I was a soldier, and I fought every man for her until the nights grew colder.

Into this furnace I ask you now to venture…

She took his tavern parliament, his cap, his cocky dance, she mocked his female fashions and his working-class moustache.

Like a bird on the wire, like a drunk in a midnight choir I have tried in my way to be free.

She took his much admired oriental frame of mind and the heart-of-darkness alibi his money hides behind She took his blonde madonna and his monastery wine – “This mental space is occupied and everything is mine.”

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river You can hear the boats go by You can spend the night beside her And you know that she’s half crazy But that’s why you want to be there And she feeds you tea and oranges That come all the way from China And just when you mean to tell her That you have no love to give her Then she gets you on her wavelength And she lets the river answer That you’ve always been her lover And you want to travel with her And you want to travel blind And you know that she will trust you For you’ve touched her perfect body with your mind.

So, now that you’ve decided To follow the sun Like a shadow of birds Or a king on the run

Well, I’ve been waiting, I was sure We’d meet between the trains we’re waiting for I think it’s time to board another Please understand, I never had a secret chart To get me to the heart of this Or any other matter While he talks like this, you don’t know what he’s after When he speaks like this, you don’t know what he’s after

Or she’ll make a break for the high plateau where there’s nothing above and there’s nothing below

The baby’s crying, so you do not go outside, and all your work it’s right before your eyes.

I met a lady, she was playing with her soldiers in the dark Oh one by one she had to tell them That her name was Joan of Arc

And you wrap up his tired face in your hair and he hands you the apple core. Then he touches your lips now so suddenly bare of all the kisses we put on some time before.

I fought in the old revolution on the side of the ghost and the King. Of course I was very young and I thought that we were winning; I can’t pretend I still feel very much like singing as they carry the bodies away.

Oh, you are really such a pretty one. I see you’ve gone and changed your name again. And just when I climbed this whole mountainside, to wash my eyelids in the rain!

Do you need to hold a leash to be a lady?

And who are you?“ she sternly spoke to the one beneath the smoke. "Why, I’m fire,” he replied, “And I love your solitude, I love your pride.

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove

Just open up your dainty little hand. You know this life is filled with many sweet companions, many satisfying one-night stands.

And come forth from the cloud of unknowing And kiss the cheek of the moon

But climb on your tears and be silent Like a rose on its ladder of thorns

the crumbs of love that you offer me, they’re the crumbs I’ve left behind.

Yes, and here, right here between the moonlight and the lane, between the tunnel and the train, between the victim and his stain, once again, once again, love calls you by your name.

There’s a blaze of light in every word It doesn’t matter which you heard The holy or the broken Hallelujah

There is a war between the ones who say there is a war and the ones who say there isn’t.

Oh sometimes I see her undressing for me, she’s the soft naked lady love meant her to be and she’s moving her body so brave and so free. If I’ve got to remember that’s a fine memory.

O lady with your legs so fine O stranger at your wheel, You are locked into your suffering and your pleasures are the seal.

He said, "I locked you in this body, I meant it as a kind of trial. You can use it for a weapon, or to make some woman smile.”

But the Rose I sickened with a scarlet fever and the Swan I tempted with a sense of shame She said at last I was her finest lover and if she withered I would be to blame

You will never see a man this naked I will never hold a woman this close

And you say you’ve been humbled in love Cut down in your love Forced to kneel in the mud next to me Ah but why so bitterly turn from the one Who kneels there as deeply as thee

I went down to the place Where I knew she lay waiting Under the marble and the snow I said, Mother I’m frightened The thunder and the lightning I’ll never come through this alone She said, I’ll be with you My shawl wrapped around you My hand on your head when you go And the night came on It was very calm I wanted the night to go on and on But she said, Go back, Go back to the World

May Christ have mercy on your soul For making such a joke Amid these hearts that burn like coal And the flesh that rose like smoke.

As the mist leaves no scar On the dark green hill So my body leaves no scar On you and never will

I showed my heart to the doctor: he said I just have to quit. Then he wrote himself a prescription, and your name was mentioned in it! Then he locked himself in a library shelf with the details of our honeymoon, and I hear from the nurse that he’s gotten much worse and his practice is all in a ruin.

And though I wear a uniform I was not born to fight All these wounded boys you lie beside Goodnight, my friends, goodnight

One by one, the guests arrive The guests are coming through The open-hearted many The broken-hearted few And no one knows where the night is going And no one knows why the wine is flowing Oh love I need you

I greet you from the other side Of sorrow and despair With a love so vast and shattered It will reach you everywhere

So you moved away the mountain That the sun rose behind And you said yourself a prayer And laid down with the blind

Your body like a searchlight my poverty revealed, I would like to try your charity until you cry, “Now you must try my greed.” And everything depends upon how near you sleep to me

and I lean from my window sill in this old hotel I chose, yes one hand on my suicide, one hand on the rose.

Ah the silver knives are flashing in the tired old cafe A ghost climbs on the table in a bridal negligee She says, My body is the light, my body is the way” I raise my arm against it all and I catch the bride’s bouquet

Children have takes these pledges They have ferried them out of the past Oh beyond all the graves and the hedges Where love must go hiding at last

It’s hard to hold the hand of anyone Who is reaching for the sky just to surrender

The river is swollen up with rusty cans and the trees are burning in your promised land.

Your father’s gone a-hunting Through the silver and the glass Where only greed can enter But spirit, spirit cannot pass

And all the ladies go moist, and the judge has no choice, a singer must die for the lie in his voice.

and there is no space but there’s left and right and there is no time but there’s day and night

Your father’s gone a-hunting And he’s lost his lucky charm And he’s lost the guardian heart That keeps the hunter from the harm

It’s not the news of burning towns that ruins your mind Like a spool you turn and you turn but it won’t unwind No these wars you did not start, they don’t tear your sleep apart It’s just a man taking what he needs from the store room

True love leaves no traces If you and I are one It’s lost in our embraces Like stars against the sun

And the crickets are breaking his heart with their song as the day caves in and the night is all wrong

Now the courtroom is quiet, but who will confess. Is it true you betrayed us? The answer is Yes. Then read me the list of the crimes that are mine, I will ask for the mercy that you love to decline.

I sang my songs, I told my lies, to lie between your matchless thighs.

Why do you stand by the window Abandoned to beauty and pride The thorn of the night in your bosom The spear of the age in your side

And clenching your fist for the ones like us who are oppressed by the figures of beauty, you fixed yourself, you said, “Well never mind, we are ugly but we have the music.”

Trav'ling lady stay awhile until the night is over. I’m just a station on your way, I know I’m not your lover.

Just take this longing from my tongue, all the useless things my hands have done, let me see your beauty broken down, like you would do for one you love.

Let your mercy spill On all these burning hearts in hell If it be your will To make us well

Oh the world is sweet the world is wide and she’s there where the light and the darkness divide and the steam’s coming off her she’s huge and she’s shy and she steps on the moon when she paws at the sky

And while he talks his dreams to sleep You notice there’s a highway That is curling up like smoke above his shoulder

For the heart with no companion For the soul without a king For the prima ballerina Who cannot dance to anything

You kept right on loving, I went on a fast, now I am too thin and your love is too vast.

I saw her wince, I saw her cry, I saw the glory in her eye. Myself I long for love and light, but must it come so cruel, and oh so bright?

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm, your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm, yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new, in city and in forest they smiled like me and you

Well you know that I love to live with you, but you make me forget so very much. I forget to pray for the angels and then the angels forget to pray for us.

I know you need your sleep now, I know your life’s been hard. But many men are falling, where you promised to stand guard.

And she comes to his hand but she’s not really tame She longs to be lost he longs for the same

Now I look for her always I’m lost in this calling I’m tied to the threads of some prayer Saying, When will she summon me When will she come to me What must I do to prepare When she bends to my longing Like a willow, like a fountain She stands in the luminous air And the night comes on And it’s very calm I lie in her arms she says, When I’m gone I’ll be yours, yours for a song

Through the days of shame that are coming Through the nights of wild distress Tho’ your promise count for nothing You must keep it nonetheless

Oh the sisters of mercy, they are not departed or gone. They were waiting for me when I thought that I just can’t go on. And they brought me their comfort and later they brought me this song. Oh I hope you run into them, you who’ve been travelling so long.

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn Dance me to the end of love

The walls of this hotel are paper-thin Last night I heard you making love to him The struggle mouth to mouth and limb to limb The grunt of unity when he came in I stood there with my ear against the wall I was not seized by jealousy at all In fact a burden lifted from my soul I heard that love was out of my control

Your standing days are done,“ I cried, “You’ll rally me no more. I don’t even know what side We fought on, or what for.