#it would be better then to rip it all out and leave myself to bleed from my filthy mouth and cruel used up hands

[parasiticallamb]

i wish i had a choice. i wish i could rot. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. why cant it ever be my choice

[myvoiddreams]

Fragments of Starlight

Pairing: Azriel x Reader

Summary: With the impending war, Y/N is captured by Hybern's general. As they struggle to protect those they care about, they reflect on their unrequited feelings for Azriel and their insecurities within the Night Court.

Word Count: 4,585

Warnings: ANGST, violence, torture, dark themes

A/N: This is my first time ever writing anything like this. I am a true sucker for angst. This is meant to go along with some of the events of ACOWAR, but of course, it’s different. Please don’t come at me for not following it’s exact story line. ALSO, I know that Azriel or Feyre would NEVER, but it’s just for the heartache okay!!

Part 2, Part 3

------

Now

All of it, it was all going to shit. I don’t know how my ears weren’t bleeding at the sheer amount of noise coming from the chaos around me. So much screaming, but was it Hybern’s forces, or our own? Everything was ringing, my head throbbing along with it. It was almost as if my breaths were not reaching my lungs. I was on the ground, all fours underneath me as I tried and tried to get myself to my feet. Everything was sore, it was like my muscles were not working. I stretched for the source of the aching on my temple and what I found was the warm, wet consistency of fresh blood.

My family, where is my family? Panic drenched me like a bucket of ice water.

With a groan, I grabbed my sword that lay beside me and turned to face the sky, now sitting at least. The sky, it was so blue. It almost felt like a disgusting joke to see something so beautiful, as dead bodies lay at my feet. Hybern’s forces were surrounding me, there was no escaping this.

I grit my teeth as I stand, my blade in hand. Dizziness rolls off me in waves, so much so that nausea is found coursing through my veins. I don’t get very far up before I’m slammed back down to the earth. My face hits the dirt as all the air leaves my lungs, leaving nothing but the taste of the earth and blood in my mouth. There is someone standing on my back, applying enough pressure I’m sure I’ll have a broken rib or two.

“Don’t go too far, sweetheart. We are just getting started with you.” A cry of pain leaves my lips as one of Hybern’s generals continues to crush my ribcage. The nausea and ringing in my head is too much. Then, with another blow to my head, everything is dark.

---

Before

“Oh, come on now sweet cheeks! You can do better than that. Az and I trained you myself!” Cassian’s voice was oh so annoying as he pinned me to my back. Sweat was gleaming across both of us as we spent the morning training. I was panting as my mind continued to reel.

Life had gotten tense with the Inner Circle recently. Not only was Prythian on the cusp of war with Hybern, but now we had to juggle the two newly made Fae that were the Archeron sisters.

I honestly felt bad for them. They did not ask for this life. I can only image what it would be like to go through life having your humanity ripped from you. Now knowing that you are going to be around for centuries instead of decades. And I felt bad for Feyre, who never wanted to see her sister’s dragged into this.

Usually, Azriel would be here with Cassian and me. Usually. It seemed as though Azriel had been getting far in over his head with the middle Archeron sister as of late. I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. But, I would never admit that fact out loud. Elain was half here and half not. Whenever she did speak, she’d just spew some crap that didn’t make any sense. But, that didn’t stop Azriel from spending any time he was not preparing for the war, with her.

Azriel. My heart seized at just the mention of his name. I had known the Shadowsinger for centuries. I stood by his side as he faced his own inner turmoil about Rhys being taken from us right under our feet. I stood by him even before that as I watched Windhaven and Devlon try to take was little he had away from him. Really, I had stood by everyone in this Inner Circle. But Azriel, Az was different. This too I would never admit out loud.

It took me holding him one night, after he had dreamt of his hands being lit aflame again, that it snapped. In all his vulnerability, it just, snapped. Az and I had shared a connection, a friendship, and I had loved him far long before the mating bond clicked in place. It only felt right that it was him. But, it hasn’t snapped for him.

It hurt, every single day, it hurt. And to watch him try so hard to make whatever it was happen with Elain, who was mated to someone else, made me feel worthless. This too, was not his fault. How was he supposed to know when I refused to breathe a word of it. Honestly, it might be a good thing, the distance. It hurts, but Azriel deserves happiness. I don’t know if I’m the one who can give him that.

“Damnit Cass!” I grunted as I fought back from his restraint.

“You are letting yourself get sloppy, Y/N. No room for that on the battlefield.” His face was smug. I felt some embarrassment creep up my neck and find its way on my cheeks.

“I know, I know.” I huffed. “Just let me up already.” I gave up on fighting back. Recently I found myself lacking the energy I used to have. I used to be full, driven, but I have found myself distant lately.

“Look, are you sure you’re okay, Y/N? You have not had your head in the game recently.” He stood and held a hand out to me. Cassian only wanted to check on me, it was nice really. I just wasn’t used to it. I had been the one the members of this court had always leaned their heads on. There just seemed to be no room for the others to do the same for me. So, I never asked them to. I wasn’t going to start now.

“I’m fine Cass, just tired.” I retorted.

“Aren’t we all sweet cheeks.” He said as he patted my back.

---

Now

Fire is crackling somewhere near me, but I can’t feel its warmth. I feel myself chained up. My arms were far above my head, hanging me from a support post. My feet had been stripped of their shoes, and now chains wrapped around my ankles. My body hurt, breathing hurt, and my head hurt. I was sure that this hellhole was only going to make it worse.

“Ah, there she is. Glad to see you actual awoke, we were starting to get worried.” Spoke the same general who broke my ribs.

I kept my mouth shut, only glaring at the direction of the voice. My vision was still blurry, and where I hope there was only one of him, I saw three.

The entrance flap of the tent open and closed to reveal another male. This one, I recognized. The King of Hybern himself.

“If it isn’t Y/N of the Night Court. I have to say, my men did a fine job bringing you in here for me. Wouldn’t you say so?” His voice was gruff. “Now that you’re here, we some questions we need answered, and I suggest you do answer them, dear. I’m sure you don’t want to find out what will happen if you don’t cooperate.”

I lazily lifted my head toward the King and sneered. “Try me.” I bit back, my voice laced with venom.

“Oh, I was afraid you’d say something of those sorts.” The king waved in another male, he was in head to toe in black. Something similar to what I’d see our very own Shadowsinger wear. Only this male was no where near the build of Az, but damn, did he look pissed.

The male pulled out a small dagger that was sheathed on their waist and made his way closer to me. I couldn’t help but let a little laugh escape my lips, “Size does matter you know,” I quipped. I know this man was here to interrogate me, but I could not let these people know how truly vulnerable I felt.

“Oh? I beg to differ.” The male stated as he plunged the dagger into the flesh of my calf.

---

Before 

Rhys wanted to have a family dinner tonight. It would be the first one in quite a long time. With everything going on, who was to blame anyone? I couldn’t say I was looking forward to it though. I used to love the time I could spend with my family, but now, it wasn’t the same. Not when my family was no longer the same. 

Rhys had Feyre, who don’t get me wrong, I love, and I love to see Rhys have the mate he has always deserved. But, with the additions of the Acheron sisters came with something strained. Cass hasn’t said anything, but I see the way he looks at Nesta. Nesta, who wants absolutely nothing to do with him, or any of us for that matter. Mor and Amren hadn’t been around as of late. Both were too busy preparing for this inevitable war. Mor with being an emissary and Amren with working out some logistics of the Cauldron. 

And Az. Azriel was no longer seeking me out. No longer spending time in the training ring or the library with me. Instead, he was with Elain. 

And then, there was me. Before this family all I was, was alone. Finding this family had saved me in more aspects than one, but I can feel it shifting under my feet, about to give way and take me with the edge of it. 

This though, is something I would never speak about. There is enough going on as it is. No one needs to be burdened about me, my unreciprocated feelings for the Shadowsinger, or my silly feelings of insecurity. I’m a friend to the court, a warrior, sometimes an advisor, but, I am nothing compared to the rest of them. I simply do not hold enough importance, and that is something I must live with. Something I am terrified they will realize as well. 

I was the last to make it to the table. Cauldron, even Elain is here. And next to Elain was Az. Hazel eyed, messy haired, Az. We caught each other’s eyes. I couldn’t help but let a smile creep up onto my face in greeting, and he smiled back.

I took my seat next to Cass and Amren and looked at the table around me. Even though war was around the corner, it felt good to gather as if nothing was wrong. Conservation started buzzing, everyone started eating, and I drifted off to a place that wouldn’t hurt me.

—- 

Now

Sweat is dripping off me in beads. My body is littered with cuts and bruises. But, I didn’t say a word. Not a single word about the size of our armies, not a word about what Rhys and the others had planned, not a word about our allies. Not a word. And I was paying for it.

Gods. They had left me here, giving me a break from the beatings and the torture. Whatever the used must have been laced with faebane because I have never felt this weak. This out of control of myself. I wasn’t healing, and I was still losing blood. At this rate, it wasn’t looking good. I was still hanging from my arms, I’m sure at this point I had a shoulder out of it’s socket. A rustling began again at the entrance of the tent.

“Back for more?” I croaked. My throat was completely dry from the screaming. But, when I got my eyes open enough to see what the cause of the noise was, my heart stopped dead in it’s tracks.

Elain.

---

Before

I retreated from dinner early. As pitiful as it sounds, I couldn’t be around it. I couldn’t stand to see Azriel with her any longer. Not when I knew he was the one who was slowly healing her and ruining me.

Knocking at my bedroom door pulled me from my thoughts and I was looking into a book, not really reading it. “Come in,” I shouted.

The site of Azriel caught me off guard. Once upon a time, it was normal for him to seek me out from my room. Now, it simply wasn’t. I couldn’t help but tense.

“Oh! Az!” I put my book down and stood. “How are you doing?” I smiled up at him.

“You would know if you hadn’t left dinner so early.” He looked down at me, frowning and crossing his arms. It was rare that Az was upset with me.

“Look, I’m sorry, I’m tired after training today.” I gave him a sad smile, not wanting him to push the issue further. “But please, tell me what I missed.”

This somehow made his shadows start to swirl around him and he huffed. “I was telling everyone how much progress Elain had made. She’s having actual conversations now.” He smiled at it, proud.

I tried not to show any hurt on my face. I have no right for this to hurt me. He was helping someone, and I had to be pitiful enough that I was jealous.

“That’s amazing Az, you’ve helped her a lot.” I let another smile grace my face. Before I knew what I was saying it was falling out of my lips, “But, you do realize that she is mated, right?”

Azriel’s demeanor shifted. His shadows became agitated, “Elain is a friend. She is going through a lot, and she needs support.” He sighed, “Plus, I think that cauldron could be wrong.” That sentence alone was enough to rip whatever was left in me to shreds. Why couldn’t he see me?

I had to take a deep breath to keep the silver lining in my eyes in place. “Az, when in your life have you ever seen the cauldron be wrong? Why would it start being wrong now?”

“Look, maybe you’ll understand one day, but it’s wrong about her and Lucien.” He crossed his arms now.

“It sounds like you want to it be wrong. Whether it is, or not.”

Azriel was growing frustrated. His eyebrow ticked and he huffed, “Can you blame me for wanting something more?”

“She is mated Azriel. Off limits.” I tried to stress him. “I don’t want to see you hurt if it doesn’t turn out the way you want.” I sighed. “I wouldn’t want my mate ripped away from me, I’m sure Lucien doesn’t either.” He doesn’t even realize that I’m talking about him. Not a single clue.

“Ripped away? Look Y/N, just because you’re alone, does not mean I have to be. Why are you making this about you?” He nearly snarled at me. Snarled. “I have finally found another purpose other than this war. I have found something, someone, to spend my time with and enjoy.”

His words hit me like an arrow to the chest. Alone. Maybe they all did see me, and they just didn’t care. Why couldn’t I be enough for him? Why hadn’t in all the time and cherished memories we have together be enough. We had held each other in hardship. We had trained together. We had grown together. We had spent countless Starfalls together. We had shared so many laughs and touches. Why wasn’t what we had enough for him?

The weight of Azriel’s words hung in the air, heavy silence settling between us. My heart ached with the sting of his remark, and I fought to keep any of my remaining composure.

I deflated, “Az,” I tried to sigh as he cut me off again.

“Well, maybe if you weren’t so insecure, you’d see that I’m just trying to help someone who’s been through a lot. You’re jealous and it’s clouding your judgment.” He stared at me, and I had to look away. I didn’t realize it but I began to shake. I couldn’t tell if it was from rage, or from the way my heart cracked as he spoke.

“I think you should go Az.” My voice began to break, and I could tell that my walls were going to come down. Not once had I ever asked him to leave.

His own eyes softened, and he reached for me, “Wait.”

He tried to continue but I cut him off, “Leave, Azriel.” I turned to face away from him. I gathered my arms together. I couldn’t let him see the tears that were rolling down my face, I wouldn’t.

He pulled his arm back to himself and hesitated, seeing the pain he was causing me. Without another word, he turned and left, the door closing behind with a heavy finality.

---

Now

Elain. What the fuck was she doing here?

Seeing her tore me from my stupor. She acted as if she was in a trance, half there. I was really panicking now. I could take this torture and pain, Elain, I don’t think she would last. I could hardly pull at my restraints at this point.

“Elain! Elain!” I screamed at her, trying to get her attention. One of the males that was hauling her in, left her side and strolled to mine. Next thing I knew I was tasting my own blood in my mouth as his fist met with my face. As the blood welled up in my mouth, I felt rage hit me. I spat at him. His face now coated with the bloody saliva that he caused me.

He wiped his hand over his face, ridding it of its bloody covering. I snarled at him as he drew a blade. Good. This way the focus would stay on me and not Elain. He brought the blade to my face, slicing a thin mark down my cheek. “If you wanted more, you could’ve just asked.” He trailed the blade down my neck, and now to my collar bone, all the while slicing lightly as he went. He brought his lips to my ear and his hand grabbed my face, “I have so much more than just blades and fists in store for you, girl.”

It was almost too hard to stomach. I didn’t want to know what he was alluding to. Elain, do this for Elain. I told myself. I kept silent and he pushed me away, returning to the other male who was already putting Elain into restraints.

Why is she here? Why is she not fighting back?

As they finished with her restraints, Hybern himself walked back into the tent.

“Cauldron be damned, if it’s not also Feyre’s cauldron made sister.” Hybern chuffed, “We are truly going to have such a fun time together.” He chuckled as he looked between Elain and I.

He nodded at his men and they both reach for their knives. One for me. One for Elain.

“Wait!” I blurted as I saw the man move toward Elaine, “Please, leave her unharmed.”

“Hmm,” hummed Hybern, “Now, tell me pretty thing, why would I do that?”

“She’s a Seer. Please, you must leave her unharmed or she will be no use to anyone. She will not come out of any trance if she is harmed.” I didn’t know if what I was blabbing was true. I only knew that I needed to protect Elain, for she could not protect herself.

Hybern nodded again at the male who was at Elain’s side. The male sheathed his blade and I let out a silent sigh.

“You on the other hand,” Hybern turned his attention back on me, “I have some questions about pretty Elain.” A wicked smile reached the lips of the male in front of me, as he lifted his blade threatening. “You, dear Y/N, best answer them.”

The male reached for my shirt and tore it in half. Now leaving my chest and abdomen exposed to the air, only a warrior’s wrap covering my breasts. I gasped at the bite of the air reaching my skin. My abdomen was littered with black and blue bruising from the beatings. The faebane in my system slowing any kind of healing.

I turned my face to a stone grimace. I could do this. I told myself. If nobody comes for you, then surely someone will come for Elain.

That truth hurt almost as much as the torture that I was being put through.

---

Before

It had been about a week since I’d seen Azriel. The bond that used to hum in my chest felt vacant. Rhysand had sent me and Cassian to one of the Illyrian war bands that were positioned in case of an attack.

It was a single flaming arrow that was sent into a tent that set everything into utter chaos. Cassian was in the middle of a meeting with some of the other commanders, and I was in the training ring.

Hybern’s forces hit us as if we were nothing but an anthill in their way.

I don’t know where Cassian was as I fought and fought, until I was brought down.

---

Now

I was hardly holding on. I had no energy to cry out anymore. No energy to even lift my own head up. My abdomen and back was near ribbons after that male drove his blade into me again and again.

Elain had seemed to snap in and out of it. When she was somewhat coherent, she would only cry. I felt bad for her, but I had done what I could do protect her. There wasn’t a single scratch on her.

At thinking of Elain my mind drifted to Azriel. I wonder if he’s looking for me, if not, her.

The inner circle had to know that something was wrong at this point. I only hope that Cassian was also okay after we were ambushed. I’m sure if he wasn’t, he’d be right next to me also receiving the beatings I was.

Blood dripped down my back, creating a small pool under me. I truly didn’t know how much longer I would last. I had never felt weaker in my life.

I should’ve told him that night. Anguish was suffocating me. I found myself retracing everything I did as of late. The way I stole myself away from my family because I was being nothing but pitiful. The way they started to treat me differently. The way one no one would come to me anymore, and I would not go to them. No wonder they have left you here. You are nothing to them. My mind bit at me.

What truly bothered me was the downfall of mine as Azriel’s friendship. He was the one person I could always truly count on. If I had fallen in training, if I had drank too much, if some stupid male had broke my heart, it was always Azriel that had caught me, and me him. It’s why I fell in love with him long before the bond snapped its place into my heart. And now I was going to die without him ever knowing. I was simply going to fade away as my blood pooled underneath me.

It's better this way. I told myself. Elain is unharmed, and I will fade before anyone knows of this bond. The war will be won and Az will be able to move on with someone he finds joy in.

I couldn’t help but let tears run down my face. I wanted to scream, to find some way out, but with the faebane running through me, I was simply too weak.

---

I woke to the sound of rustling at the entrance of the tent. The rustling led to Elain, and I could hear her restraints being messed with. I nearly couldn’t pry my eyes open at the sound. Maybe they would finally take me from my misery. I silently hoped. That’s when I heard a quiet gasp. I looked up to see.. Feyre? And behind her, the one messing with Elain’s chains, Azriel.

My heart lurched to a stop. They had come to help, we were going to get out.

“Azriel..” Feyre quietly said as he brought Elain into his arms.

“What.” He nearly hissed at her. That’s when he looked up and truly saw me.

“Az.. Feyre..” I choked on my words. Help was here. I was going to get out of here. To make it. Finally something positive bloomed in my chest in place of where that hole had found itself.

Azriel set Elain back down and rushed to my side. He put a hand to my cheek, “Y/N, we couldn’t find you anywhere. Cass, he said you were missing after the battle.” His touch sent shivers down my beaten spine.

My restraints still bore heavily into my wrists where I was strung up. Then, there was rustling and yelling coming from outside of the tent.

“Help me down, please.” My voice was raw and pleading.

The yelling was getting closer and closer.

“Az, we have to leave, now.” Feyre said, trying to scoop Elain into her arms.

Azriel’s hand left my cheek, and panic flared into his eyes as he took in my state.

Hybern’s soldiers were coming, realizing something was wrong. Azriel looked between Elain and I, backing up from where I was strung up. He was backing away from me. Why was he backing away from me?

My own panic started to settle deep inside of me, long squashing any hope that had found it’s place.

“Azriel… please,” I coughed quietly. Dread was setting deeply inside of me. They didn’t plan on saving two. They came here for Elain, not me.

A sob found it’s way onto my lips as he picked Elain from Feyre’s arms. Feyre herself looking torn, her eyes expressing so much anguish.

“We will come back Y/N. I promise.” Azriel’s words were yet another punch to the gut.

I couldn’t help but let the sobs I had been holding onto for so long bubble out of me.

“Please don’t leave me here.” I cried, no longer caring for the quietness. They both stiffened at the sound of my voice. “Please,” I was gasping for air as this point, “If you’re not going to take me, then at least put me down.”

Their eyes widened at my statement, but I couldn’t hold for much longer. I needed this pain to end. This suffering to be over with.

“We will be back. I will come straight back.” Azriel hushly stated. His eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes were boring into me. They were trying to convince me he was telling the truth, but I knew better. I knew that they were only getting into the camp once successfully.

They chose Elain. They were going to leave me behind.

“Just kill me, please kill me…” I sobbed, “Please if you are going to leave me behind, then just kill me.”

Feyre was crying now, and Azriel. I knew, that even though he was choosing Elain, Elain to save, and Elain to love, he still wouldn’t harm me.

“I’m so sorry Y/N.” Feyre bubbled out of her crying lips as she quickly left the tent under her cloak.

Azriel and I made eye contact again through my sobbing, through the tears that were leaving my eyes in force. “I will be right back. I will come back for you.” And then, he was gone. With Elain in his arms.

I broke, truly broke. No weapon could hurt me as much as the sight of who I loved most, my mate, leaving me here, strung up and bleeding out.

[bueckers-babygirl]

I Need You pt.2 (paige bueckers x black!reader

Part one <3

Summary: You and Paige finally unite

Warning: Just cursing

word count: 1757

Three months. It’s been three months since me and Paige went on our “break”. 

The first month was the hardest. Just a lot of crying, bargaining, rants, and Chipotle. I sat in my puddle of despair, wondering what Paige was doing.

What she was thinking, hoping the thoughts were about me.

My worst thought was thinking that she had moved on to someone new, or someone that has always been there.

The second month was the month that I told myself to stand the fuck up.

This month had its ups and downs. I moved in with my best friend who welcomed me with open arms. She’s been more than supportive since the very beginning. She comforted me, fed me when I didn’t feel like eating, and took the remote from my hands every time I felt like turning on a UConn game (I'm healing slowly but surely).

I even picked up a hobby! I started taking a ballet class to keep my mind off of things! My bleeding feet are a VERY good distraction.

The third month is when I felt like a new and healed me. My skin was clear, my curls were popping, my body was giving. I felt better.

However, no matter what I did or how much better I thought I was…I can’t get her out of my mind.

“Come on! You’ve been stuck in this house all day! It’s getting sad Mookie” my bestie, Quenlin, says while ripping the blanket from my body.

“My dance class got canceled today and new episodes of my show came out. I just thought I could lay here and wallow all day” I moan while pulling my hoodie over my face. I turn my head to see Quenlin shaking her head.

“Girl, you smell like ten cans of ass and your hair looks a mess. You cannot let this girl get to you like this” She turns to open the curtains.

The blinding light burns my eyes as I wince and pull a pillow over my face. She rolls her eyes as she lays next to me on the bed.

“Let’s go bar hopping tonight! You love that shit” she yells as she shakes my aching body! She wasn’t wrong, bar hopping was probably my favorite activity. I lay there and contemplate whether I should get cute and have fun or lay in the imprint I have made in the bed and cry.

“I’ll buy you Chipotle” and with those four words, I hopped in the shower, got dressed, and was ready to head out the door.

9:30 Pm

Me and I were on our second bar of the night and I felt alive again. I had flashes of images of Paige in my mind throughout the night but I decided I would deal with that issue when I went home. 

“Girl, can you go order us some drinks? I gotta piss real bad” Quenlin said, doing the potty dance at her grown age. 

“Go ahead, and stop doing that shit” I laugh as she waddles off to the bathroom. I make my way up to the bar and order me and my friend vodka cranberries. 

I twiddled my thumbs waiting for the drinks, when I finally heard it.

“Hey beautiful” My body froze when I heard the voice I had longed for so much but also dreaded hearing. I slowly turned my head to see the beautiful blonde that had been occupying my mind for months.

She looked so good, but also drained.

Words tried so hard to leave my mouth but nothing came out.

“You look good. Like, good. Guess the break up was good to you” She lets out an awkward laugh as I am still in shock but gain the ability to speak.

“Eh. It was ok for me. A lot of crying hehe” I mentally slap myself, who the fuck says that. 

“Yeah, same” She looks down at her feet trying to figure out what to say next.

“Listen, can we talk, please? I wanna fix this. I-”

“Unh Unh! What are you doing here” Quenlin appears from thin air as she jumps in front of me to confront Paige. This breaks me out of my trance as I jump to defend Paige. 

“No, Quen! It’s ok! Me and her are just going to talk outside” I put my hands on my best friend's shoulders to calm her down. She turns to look at me and then back at Paige.

“Fine, but if you try some manipulative shit, it’s me and you” she pokes piage with her finger before walking away. Paige looks back at me “I never liked her. I just want you to know that.”

I laughed as I walked to the door, Paige following close behind. When we get a good distance away from the bar we stop and just look at each other.

I can tell she’s trying to find words to say, I couldn’t find any either.

We stood in silence for a few more minutes before one of us finally spoke.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I made you feel like shit for so many months. You should have been my priority and I didn’t do that” Paige let out a shaky breath before looking down at the ground. I waited for her to continue but….she just stopped.

“Paige…that's not the only reason why I wanted to take a break. Yes, you ignoring me was a big part of it but there was so much more” She finally raises her head to look me timidly in the eyes.

I take a shaky breath before continuing. “It was the petty comments, the constant arguing, and the insecure feeling I always felt” I started choking up on my words, and the memories of me and the girl I love screaming at each other came flooding back.

“I'm sorry! I was just so stressed with basketball, the interviews, and the constant attention that I guess I got stressed” She quickly tried to defend herself, flailing her arms in the air.

“I understand how stressful that could be but…I would've been there for you. I could've listened to your rants, helped you during solo practice, and helped you calm down when you were nervous about an interview…but you shut me out and started bullshit arguments for no reason. I love you so much. I just wanted to help you” I felt a tear roll down my face.

I saw Paige’s face change from defensive to vulnerable in the middle of the conversation.

I let out a sigh as Paige drops her head, tears falling down her pretty face. “Paige, I love you so much. You’re probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time” I take her hands in mine “but when we have an issue, you can’t just shut me out or brush it off. We need to talk. We need to express ourselves or else it’s just gonna get worse.”

Paige raises her head once more, looking into my brown eyes with her bloodshot blue eyes. “I know…I wanna be better for you baby. I will do anything to make it up to you. I just want things to go back to the way they were” She brings my hand to her lips, placing a tender kiss upon them.

I felt my skin turn hot as her lips connected to my skin, it’s kind of funny how we were together for so long and she still managed to make me nervous.

“I know it seems like an empty promise but I swear I will do everything that I can to make it up to you. I’ll communicate better and I will make sure to do everything that I can to remind you that you're the love of my…I can’t fucking lose you again y/n” she wraps her arms around my body, leaving another kiss on the top of my head.

On instinct, I wrap my arms around her to as I close my eyes to breathe in her perfume.

I was still angry with her but somehow I knew deep down that she was serious about wanting to be better for me. 

She pulls back to look into my eyes before she places an unexpected but loving kiss on my lips. I felt like I was floating on air as my lips touched the ones that they have been craving for three months. With this simple act, she knew that I forgave her 

As we pull away she rests her forehead on mine. 

“Can we just start over please, I miss you so much” Paige giggles while also sniffling. 

I let out a snort as I placed my hand on her cheek “Well we got a long way to go until we are back to the same place but, I think we’ll be ok”.

2 days later

“Ok! I think that’s the last of my shit” I let out a sigh of relief placing the last bit of my clothes back into me and Paige’s shared closet. I fell back into our bed, missing the smell of our sheets. 

I let out a grunt as Paige ran into the room and jumped on top of me. “Jesus Paige! I think you broke one of my ribs” I try to push her off of me as I let out a laugh.

Paige keeps her position on top of me as she puts her face into the crook of my neck. “I'm sorry, baby. I'm just happy you're back” she sighs as she kisses my neck.

“Ew, can yall wait to fuck until after I leave,” Quenlin says as she brings me some more of my stuff in from the car. I laugh as Paige finally rolls off me with a dramatic groan.

I walk over to Quenlin take the box of stuff from her hands and place it on the floor. “Thank you for letting me stay with you,” I say as I hug her.

“Of course, anytime! However, if this shit happens another time me and Paige are gonna have to tussle. You hear me” she yells towards Paige.

“I love you too, Quen” Paige blew a kiss to her.

Quen rolls her eyes before giving me a kiss on the cheek and leaving. 

“Why must y’all fight over me”

“Because you’re the most important thing to us, baby” Paige leaves another kiss on my lips before hopping back onto the shared bed that I will never leave again.

Y'all I am so fuckin sorry this came out so late! But here yall go <3

[imtherain]

How We Used To Be (Forced Closeness)

Oh Hai - Logan has inspired me again. This was supposed to be a very different story and there was supposed to be smut, but it didn't work out that way.

Warnings: Talk of injuries (basically that scene in Logan (2017)), Not smut, almost tho, talk about the past, angst I guess? Old Man Logan, who has issues with intimacy and it's not what you think (or maybe it is). I used y/n but it's in first person and I gave her powers/a mutant name, so idk what that's called.

Old Man Logan x mutant!reader I guess? I'm too old to learn the new tricks of labeling these things, all I know is I've been thirsty for Logan since I was literally 7 years old and this is quickly turning into one of the recipe blogs where you have to read a bazillion words before you see the directions. Sorry

Word Count: 3.2k (don't look at me)

[Masterlist]

“You look like shit, love,” I said, leaning in the doorway to the bathroom. Logan’s eyes shot up to glare at me in the mirror. He was bleeding from several bullet wounds and was currently shirtless and heaving over the sink. 

“Get the fuck out,” He ground out. I hadn’t seen him in almost six months. Almost a record.

“Calaban called me,” I told him, knowing he likely knew that was how I ended up here. “I’m glad he did, you’re worse off than anticipated.” 

“If you touch me, I’ll rip your arms off,” A caged animal snapping his teeth. I knew all of his threats to me were empty, but it still made my heart ache that he would rather suffer than let me help him.

“I’m not scared of you,” I told him, pulling myself off the doorframe. I shut the door behind me and crossed the tiles until I stood next to him. He was snarling in general, but didn’t move away when I took a cloth and began to clean the blood from one of the wounds on his arm.

My gift had earned me the name Booster back when things were good and goofy mutant names were all the rage, as my main ability was that I literally boosted other mutants powers when I touched them. I always joked about how it was a lazy XMen name. But now? There weren’t many of us left, no reason for silly code names. But we still stuck together when we could. I told myself that was the only reason I hung around this part of the country still. To be close to the few mutants I knew were left.

Nevermind that it was really the bleeding man in front of me that I stayed for.

“I don’t need your help,” Logan’s voice was quieter now, but still sharp edged like his teeth. I shushed him and wiped at another spot of blood, waiting for him to give in to the knowledge that I could actually make him feel better.

“I’m sure you don’t, but it would make me feel useful to help, would you deny me that?” I quirked an eyebrow at him and he looked away from me. 

“Last time you helped me I hurt you, I’m not letting that happen again,” I reached up and took his face in my hands. His eyes fluttered closed.

“Cuts heal,” I told him. He moved to cage me with his arms for a moment and I was sure he was going to give in. But all at once he shoved me away from him and I stumbled into the wall. “Logan,” I chided. 

“Leave, Y/N,” There was no snarl left in his voice, just defeat. 

And pain.

“No,” I told him simply. “Now are you going to let me Boost you or not?” 

“Last time…” 

“Yeah, yeah, last time,” I rolled my eyes as I cut him off. My abilities didn’t just boost one part of a mutant, it boosted all of them. So in Logan’s case, it made him a bit more animalistic for a time. Made him more likely to use his teeth, or use his claws.

The claws are what got me that last time he kept thinking about. He got me good, I'd give him that, I even had the scars on my ribcage if you looked close enough. But I didn't tell him that.

“If you do that again, I won’t be able to stop myself from…” Logan snarled at himself as a wave of pain contorted his features. “Fuck,” He cursed lowly to himself. I sighed and pulled my shirt off while he watched me in the mirror. 

“I’m a big girl, love, I can handle you,” I half teased, half soothed him. “And don’t forget, I get to keep a bit of what I boost, so anything you do to me won’t last long,” A secondary benefit to skin to skin contact with me. I got to taste the powers that others had. I hadn’t used it on too many mutants in my life. Most mutants didn’t really have powers that benefited from boosting all that much. But Logan and his healing factor? It was useful. Even if it made him extra feisty for a day or so.

It also made him horny usually but that was hardly a complaint from me.

“Fine, but only for a minute,” He finally gave in. I smiled at him and stepped behind him.

“Want me to take my bra off too?” I smirked over his shoulder at him and he shivered, shaking his head no. Too bad I was a bad listener. I shucked my bra and made a big show of dropping it to the floor next to us. Logan let out a shaky breath, knowing what was coming.

We’d been here before.

I pulled his beater out of his pants and slid my hands slowly up his ribs. He grunted as my hands slid over bruises and broken things. I hummed softly as I let my powers unfurl into his skin while I slid his shirt up. I’d learned pretty early on that the more skin that touched skin, the better my boosting worked.

I pressed myself along Logan’s back as I helped ease his shirt over his shoulders and arms. He groaned when the shirt finally came free over his head and joined mine on the floor. 

My arms closed around him, one moving up towards his chest, one circling around his middle. Skin searching skin as he caught my eyes in the mirror. 

“How does it feel?” I whispered against his shoulder. I had aimed for his neck but he avoided me.

“Warm,” He murmured. “Always does,” I pressed a soft kiss to his skin and he shivered again.

Instead of teasing him anymore, I focused on the task at hand, closing my eyes and leaning against him. I could feel my powers seeping into his skin, like sunshine that time we took a bunch of the kids to the beach the summer it was so hot the AC kept going out. I wondered if he ever let himself remember the good times or if he only ever lingered on the bad ones.

Logan let out a shaky breath followed by a deep groan as a bullet pushed free of his flesh. It landed with a metallic thud in the sink, closely followed by a second and a third. 

“Do you know how many there are?” I asked. 

“More,” Was all Logan got out from between his clenched teeth. I adjusted my hold and focused back on my breathing. Healing and boosting were both somehow tied to breath. 

My powers were not a magic fix though either. It still took time. I still remembered the days when he didn’t need me to boost him, but he’d ask just so I’d touch him a little. Back then I’d been shy, always holding his hand, or maybe his arm. I was shy a lot until the day he kissed me the first time.

Then all the cards were on the table…all the clothes on the floor.

A metallic thud on the floor brought me back to the task at hand. I moved my arms to touch different skin and Logan covered my hands with his, holding me so I didn’t pull away. I smiled against his shoulder and playfully nipped him with my teeth.

“And you didn’t want me to touch you a second ago,” I teased him. He growled, low in his throat. The animal was coming up in his chest and I knew what that meant for me. Logan was scared he’d hurt me again, but I knew the risk, and I was eager to face him. 

“That’s enough,” Logan panted, but he didn’t pull my hands away. I waited to see what he’d do, pull away or pull me closer. 

He brought one of my hands up to his mouth and kissed each finger tip. I hummed in pleasure, not so subtly rubbing my suddenly erect nipples along his spine. Another growl and my fingers were suddenly in his mouth.

“Logan!” I chuckled as he nibbled on my fingers. “I know that’s technically skin, but my arm isn’t helping if you hold it up like that,” I tried to pull my hand back and he just grumbled at me. 

“How do you still taste so good?” Logan mused, not expecting an answer. “It’s been years and you still taste just as sweet,” 

“You’re a romantic is why,” I hid my blush from his hungry eyes by dipping behind his shoulder again. Logan pulled me in front of him, caging me between his chest, his arms, and the bathroom sink.

“You should leave now, before it’s too late,” His eyes were hungry in the same way they had always been for me. I reached up and took his face in my hands again, tracing the crows feet around his eyes with my thumbs.

“And miss all the fun?” I mused. He rolled his eyes at me. “And you’re still bleeding,” I pointed out, tracing the one wound on his arm that hadn’t quite healed yet. It must have been the nastiest one because it appeared to be the last one to go.

“Y/N,” he warned. 

“I’ll stop touching you when this one heals,” I told him. “Promise,” it was a baldfaced lie. I wouldn’t leave him unless he bodily threw me out the window. And not only would I not fit out the closest window, he would never dare.

“I don’t know if I can hold out that long,” Logan’s pupils were blown and his smirk was hazy. I knew exactly what he was craving and I was pretty impressed he’d managed to hold himself back as long as he had.

“I can take you, big boy,” I smirked. “Always could and always will,” I pulled myself on his shoulders so that I could press my lips to his. It was just a quick peck, testing the waters. Logan stared at me for a long time, neither of us noticing that the last bullet hole had finally closed. 

But there was still pain in him, still things to heal, so I held onto him, hoping to fix everything I could before he made me leave him again.

Logan finally got himself together enough to push me away from him. I swallowed hard, wondering if he’d be mad that I clung to him as long as I had, wondering if this time I’d sassed my way into making him actually hate me.

His eyes drifted from my flushed cheeks, to my parted lips, down the curve of my neck and the valley between my breasts. I knew they’d seen better days, having drooped with the years, but from the hunger in Logan’s eyes, you’d think he didn’t notice.

His hands moved from my shoulders to my chest and I gasped at the sudden sensation of him pawing me.

“I shouldn’t,” Logan complained into my throat as he dragged his teeth along my pulse.

“I can take it,” I assured him.

“What if I hurt you?” 

“I can take it,” I told him again.

“Fuck,” Logan’s growl tickled my neck as he moved to lift me onto the nearest surface, a sad excuse for a bathroom cabinet that gave way with a crack as soon as he set me on it.

“I’ll fix that,” I told him but he didn’t care, his mouth was on mine before I could come out with another apology. Logan pulled me flush with his chest, off the now broken surface to my feet, and walked backwards with me until he ran into the door frame. 

I giggled a little as he cursed, unclear why this was so difficult. I got us through the door, smiling and pulling on his hands, making sure to keep my skin touching his somewhere. Anywhere.

Everywhere I could reach. 

Logan licked his way into my mouth as we stumbled through the living room, bouncing off the wayward furniture as we made our way to his bed. Finally, something soft to land on.

I was on my back looking up at him. I’d seen him in his prime, when his hair wasn’t graying, when he didn’t keep a beard. I’d seen him when nothing could stop him. And looking at him now, I felt exactly the same as I did back then. Hungry for the animal of him, for the things I knew he could do to me. Lust for the sensations he could cause. And love, still burning brightly after all these years.

Love for the man he was underneath it all.

When Logan didn’t join me right away, I reached up to him and whined, knowing he always liked how desperate I got for him. He shook his head at my shenanigans and I wiggled for him as his hands worked to undo his pants.

“Impatient as always,” Logan chuckled.

“It’s your fault for making me go away all the time,” I countered. His slacks hit the floor and he moved to kiss his way up my bare stomach as he worked on getting me out of mine.

He just grunted as his mouth ran along the skin he exposed when he pulled my pants and underwear down my thighs. I knew it wasn’t the time to bring it up, so I didn’t push him or ask him to ask me to stay.

Logan pressed his face into the soft spot behind my knee and I squirmed as his beard tickled the sensitive skin.

“God you smell amazing,” He mumbled, tracing the inside of my thigh with open mouth kisses. I let my hips relax and fall open for him and his eyes zeroed in on the place that, at the moment, needed him most. With a growl, Logan moved to bury his face in my folds, and I couldn’t help the surprised yelp I let out at his movements. 

There was a time he would devour me for hours if given the chance. A time when he’d want me in any place we were. Broom closets, empty classrooms, offices that we weren’t even supposed to be in. Every hotel and far too many bathrooms. Quickies and love making and slow fucks and even hate fucks now and then. We had everything, but now? 

“Fuck, Logan that tickles,” I wiggled against his face as he breathed me in.

“Shh,” He murmured. “Just let me have this,” 

“I’m trying to give it to you,” I groaned. Logan rolled his eyes at me, but adjusted so that he could pass a long lick of his tongue through me. I shivered at the sensation, a fire sparking along my nerves. I felt his self-satisfied smirk against my core before he moved his mouth against me again. 

“I don’t remember you being this desperate,” He mused, pulling two long fingers through the dampness he’s been lapping at.

“Logan, baby, please,” I begged him to do more than tease me.

“Please what, sweetheart?” Logan’s eyes caught mine as I huffed, annoyed that he wasn’t fucking me yet.

“I want more of you,” I told him. 

“Yeah well, ‘more of me’ ain’t exactly working at the moment,” He admitted. I knew finally growing old had caught up with him in a lot of ways, but my chest ached for him that it came for him this way too. He’d always prided himself on his virality.

“I want any of you I can get, baby,” I smiled at him, reaching down to pull him flush with my chest so I could kiss him again, my mouth opening easily for his tongue to explore. I let my powers unfurl into the kiss, into any skin of his that was touching mine. Trying desperately to let him feel like himself again.

“Hmm,” He mumbled, pulling back slightly. I kissed the side of his mouth, his jaw, as he tried to shake the feeling out of his head. “Warm,” His eyes were suddenly really far away, sleepy. I kissed him again, softer now. 

“It’s ok, baby, I’ve got you,” I told him. He made a grumbling noise in his chest as sleep zapped his strength.

“What did you…what did you do to me?” Logan tried to push himself off of me, but only managed to roll to one side. I held him close.

“Nothing, love,” I whispered, kissing his face again. “Healing is just, just a lot, remember?” 

“But I was gonna fuck you,” Logan mumbled, eyes closed now.

“I know baby,” I smiled gently at him. I had my arms around him still, trying to help him heal some of the damage that the bullets hadn’t caused. “You can fuck me tomorrow,” He tried to move away from me, but he was unable to untangle our limbs before his body told him it was nap time.

I sighed heavily, a bit bummed that neither of us had ended up getting our rocks off, but happy too, that I’d been able to help boost his healing. But I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was far worse off than I thought he was. 

When we were younger, he’d almost go into a rut after being Boosted. It was madness but it was always a good time. The last few years, with his body slowing down, the Boosting made him feral, but then he’d pass out for a long time while his body caught back up. The last time I’d been here, he’d fucked me through two orgasms and himself through one, before the sleepiness came for him. That time, he’d lashed out, thinking he’d been drugged. It was like the nights he’d wake up with nightmares, only he’d not gone fully to sleep yet.

Part of me was glad he didn’t try to gut me at least. But my heart clenched at the thought that maybe the end of him was closer than I wanted to believe.

To stave off the tears that were suddenly crowding my throat, I adjusted our bodies so that Logan could use my chest as a pillow. He mumbled something in his sleep, and his arm pulled me closer, holding me like maybe this time he wasn’t going to let me go. I circled his head with my arms, carding my fingers through his hair, happy to be able to comfort him, to allow him to sleep.

For just a moment, it could have been any other day. We could be young again. All of our friends, still alive. I closed my eyes and imagined the sounds of the school. Kids running down wooden hallways, calling after each other. Tears escaped me then, because most of those kids were gone now. And any kids like them, like I had been so long ago now, didn’t have a school to go to. They would be rounded up and killed now. Or taken away to some place horrible. And I knew there was nothing I could do.

Except maybe hold Logan just a little bit tighter, knowing that every fight ever fought for those kids, eventually made its way to him too.

[Another Logan Fic]

[astonmartingf]

YOU'VE BEEN ON MY MIND—

— co-parenting with alonso has been smooth sailing, until he starts dropping hints that he wants to be with you again

P9 ★ SEE YOU IN MY FUTURE

amgf probably 2k words? almost 3k? idk but it's hurt/comfort! i did cry, and yes so... i'm emotional because it's ending but also... it's ENDING 😀🫵 DKXJSKDJZJ one more chapter yay!!! shout out to day6, what would this chapter be without your songs... enjoy 👍

previous ★ masterlist ★ next

You weren't sure what to expect— despite your severe reaction the past week, you're now mellowed down and calm, you think back on your conversation with Seb a few months ago before his retirement.

You definitely have not moved on, and the mention of the upcoming season definitely felt like a band-aid ripped off a bleeding wound. And all the pain and resentment you felt was now revealed beneath the familial memories you built with Ales and Fernando.

Driving up to his gate, you're instantly filled with the comfort of his private home. The place you spent most of your time outside work, and even more than your own house, with Ales and Fernando. You rub away the headache slowly building in your head, getting out of your car and meeting Fernando who greeted you out of his home.

"Are you feeling better?"

You wince away, as you take a seat on the chair opposite of him. It would be much easier if he resented you the way you did. That you'd rather he treat you unfairly in the last few years, but he's Fernando. He's the father of your son, and the man you tenderly love, even to this day.

Which only hurts more, knowing you can never fully let go of the past, despite both growing since your separation but seeing him with Ales sparked the burning hope in you. Maybe this would be the time for you and Fernando, that this might be the future you've been longing for all along.

"I'm sorry, how I reacted last week... I thought I was okay with it, but I guess I still feel the same way." You rub your arms, looking elsewhere but Fernando's eyes, knowing well he's staring right through you. You were scared and vulnerable, all throughout the years you noticed your apprehension in communicating your feelings for the sake of your relationship. And it wasn't going well for you, or for Fernando, but this time it'd be different.

"And before you say anything, I just want to say that I'm proud of you. I'm glad you still race, and for the upcoming season. I understand if you think it's too selfish of me not to come, but Ales will, I just think I'm not ready for it yet."

You gulp down your nerves, raising your head, staring head on at Alonso who is still smiling. It breaks your heart, seeing him like this— if only he'd get up and say something about how unfair it is to him.

"I understand it. You don't have to worry, I won't force you." Silence.

The room was met with silence, until you hear the sniffles coming from Fernando, leaving you frozen in your seat. As much as you hate being vulnerable in front of him, you never thought he'd cry in front of you first.

You hear his laughter, seconds after as he wipes the tears falling from him eyes.

"Please, don't worry this is not your fault... I guess you could say I'm overwhelmed. I only ever thought about this moment, I kept thinking about when we can have this talk, but you were so focused on Ales. Rightfully so, he's our son and our priority, so even though I wanted to fix what has been broken before, maybe it wasn't the time. And when we talked last night, I kept blaming myself for rushing you, because it was my fault.

And now, you're telling me yourself, I'm happy you're here. I'm happy that you told me yourself, and every day I will prove myself to be better, not just as Ales' father but as someone who is worthy to be with you. I'm sorry if I'm being emotional, I just didn't think I would come close to this again. And with you, if you resent me, I won't blame you. I resent myself every day, after you left me, and this... this is more than enough for me right now."

It wasn't long before the tears began to fall from your eyes, you only ever thought of your pain. Choosing to leave with Ales, away from Fernando— away from the years you've been together. Away from the only man you ever loved.

Your only concern was licking the wounds of what was left from Fernando, what you didn't think was how he felt all those years.

"I'm sorry... How lonely it must've felt for you all those years. Away from Ales— I promise you, this time it will be different. One day, we will be together— I know it, because I don't think I'd have it any other way than you. I love you Fernando! I still do, even after all these years—"

Closing you eyes, your hands instinctively wrap around Fernando's neck wanting him closer, pulling him from more. Hands grabbing his face, feeling the tears fall down your fingers. Wiping them away, you kiss him once more before pulling each other in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kiss you without—"

"Shhh..." You hush Fernando's worries, resting your head on his shoulder, hands trailing over his back, resting them on top of his thick hair.

"I'm happy we had this conversation as well. Thank you Fernando. Thank you for still seeing me in your future. I had so many worries, and questions— all this time, I was just a coward. A selfish coward you decided for the both of us."

Fernando shakes his head, tutting his lips, "I won't let you day those things to yourself you hear me? You are brave and courageous, understand? And I love you, even though I feel undeserving of your feeling, I will work hard to be the man who deserves it. What happened, I don't blame you. But we'll figure these things out as the time goes by, don't be a stranger?"

With blurry eyes, you remove your head from Fernando's shoulders nodding your head. "I think I need to rest for a bit, can I take a nap here for a bit?"

"You want me to pick up Ales from Lance's while you sleep?"

The mention of your son immediately brought the sparkle in your eyes, which wasn't missed by Fernando who only smiled as he tucked you in his bed. "You can rest for a while, and when you wake up, we will be here. Sleep well Amor."

You feel your eyes getting heavier as Fernando's voice begins to thin out, you feel him leave a small kiss on your forehead causing you to smile before dosing off to your sleep.

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liked by lancestroll, sebastianvettel, and 41 others

yourusername may the spark in your eye, and the fire in your heart burns brighter, lighting a flame to your path wherever you go.

★ YOU'VE BEEN ON MY MIND — @namgification @nebarious @minkyungseokie @viennakarma @lxclerc @booksandflowrs @c-losur3 @lichterfee @moonyzsworld @e-nonsense @vicurious28 @dannyriccsupremacy @thearchieves @welovediaaxx @vogueprincess @mael1pastry @khaylin27 @whydowesleepeachnight @iridescent-sol @celemilii @lozzamez3 @callsignwidow @hrts4scarr

[herofics]

A day worth waiting for

A/N: I really felt like writing some angst with Gojo. Also, I’m feeling kinda shitty, so I needed something to cope with it. I’m not suicidal specifically, but it keeps kinda flashing in my mind as a “you could do that though” if that makes sense. I started writing this like 3 months ago, but I didn’t finish it then, so I’m writing it now

Warnings: Self-harm, blood and suicide attempt-ish

You were just laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. You had no clue how long you’d been laying there. It might have been minutes, or it might have been hours, you had no idea.

You didn’t feel anything, you were just numb, maybe not even numb, every emotion just felt the same. It was like all the colors were gone.

You stretched your hand towards the ceiling. You were wearing a t-shirt, so you could clearly see the scars that covered your wrist. There were no fresh ones, hadn’t been in a while, but the urge was still there, the urge to rip your skin open and let your life bleed out of you.

And why wouldn’t you? There wasn’t anything here for you. Gojo would be fine without you, he was the strongest, after all. He would probably even be better off.

“It’s decided then” you muttered while getting up from the floor.

You tried writing a note, and even though the idea of ending your life made so much sense in your head, you couldn’t figure out a way to explain it on paper. The only words you managed to put down were “Forgive me, Satoru. I hope you don’t curse me too much”. A few tears fell on the paper, smudging the ink.

You went to draw yourself a warm bath, before rummaging through the drawers under the sink to find a razor blade. You threw off your sweatpants and climbed into the tub in your underwear and a big t-shirt.

You exhaled deeply, before looking up at the ceiling. Were you really going to do this? Were you ready to leave yet?

That’s when you heard the bathroom door open. You quickly submerged the razor blade and hid it under your thigh before Gojo saw it. You managed to cut yourself in the process. How did you not hear him come into the apartment?

“Whatcha doing in the tub with your clothes on?” he smirked from the doorway, not yet putting the situation together.

He was just standing there, looking like his normal dashing self. He took off his blindfold, like he always did when he came home to you.

“I fell in” you lied.

Gojo took a step closer, chuckling, about to say something, when he noticed the blood in the water. The smile died on his lips as he realized what was going on. He knelt down next to the tub and grabbed both your hands, checking your wrists.

He sighed in relief as he realized you hadn’t done anything yet. Then where was the blood coming from?

You saw the panicked look in his eyes as he still held your hands in his while looking for the source of the blood.

“I nicked myself-myself when trying to hide the razor blade” you hiccuped, tears welling up in your eyes.

“Oh doll” Gojo said softly, before pulling you up with him as he stood up.

He took your shirt off you and grabbed a big, fluffy towel, wrapping it around you.

“I need you to talk to me, and I think you need that too” Gojo said as he stood in front of you.

There was something different about the way he looked at you. Anger you would have recognized, but this wasn’t it. Fear? Was it really fear you saw in his eyes?

“Satoru?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay? You look kind of scared” you noted.

“First of all, I think I should be asking you that. Secondly, I think my fear is pretty justified when I find the person I love sitting in a bathtub filled with water, ready to open their wrists”

“Well that sounds a bit gruesome” you muttered.

“Am I wrong?” Gojo asked, tilting his head to the side.

There was a moment of silence between you, before you spoke a simple, quiet: “No”

You couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. Once you said it out loud, admitted what you were going to do, it was like a dam broke. You just started sobbing uncontrollably.

“It’s okay doll, it’s okay” Gojo assured as he picked you up and carried you out of the bathroom.

You were still wrapped in the towel and holding onto Gojo’s jacket for dear life. You didn’t even remember what had originally gotten you so upset that you would resort to what you had attempted to do.

Gojo had been through this with you before. The last time this happened, it was with you trying to overdose on your medication. It was one of the few times in his life he had been absolutely terrified. Seeing you laying there unconscious, with an empty pill bottle next to you, had been one of the most horrific moments of his entire life.

Now it was happening all over again, but this time he had been on time. This time he had gotten to you before you’d done anything stupid, this time he’d managed it. After Suguru left, Gojo had sworn he wouldn’t lose anyone else like that. He wouldn’t let anyone else disappear into the shadows again.

Gojo sat down on the bed, still holding you in his arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-so sorry” you kept blubbering while burying your face to his chest.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay” Gojo said, grabbing your hand and attempting to ground you through his touch. “Just breathe”

After your breathing and crying calmed down, you looked up at him with tearful eyes.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened” you muttered, trying to get up from his lap.

“Nu-uh, you’re not going anywhere till we talk” he pulled you back.

“What am I even supposed to say?”

“Just something, I don’t want you to be alone with this. You know I won’t leave you alone before I get a satisfactory explanation” he half joked.

Gojo just wanted to hear you say that you’d be okay. He just wanted to hear you say this was just a fluke, and it wouldn’t happen again. At the same time, he knew you couldn’t promise that. That you wouldn’t just magically start getting better, because you or he wanted you to.

“I don’t know what happened. It just seemed like the right choice, but the second I saw you, I was like “What the fuck am I doing?” and it didn’t feel like it made any sense anymore”

You kept staring at your hands while leaning the side of your head against his chest. What you said was true. Seeing him had made you change your mind in the end. You could have tried to reach for the razor again, even though it would have been futile with him in the same room. He would have stopped you, no doubt about that, and besides you didn’t want him to see you do that to yourself. The act itself was way different from just seeing the aftermath.

“Well I’m glad I have that effect on you, but that doesn’t really give me much insight to your mental state right now”

“I guess it doesn’t, but I don’t really know what else to tell you” you sighed.

You just sat there in silence, Gojo embracing you and you leaning against his chest. You didn’t know what to tell him. Even if you managed to formulate something that would make sense to you, it would probably just sound crazy to him. It was so hard to put any of it into words, let alone in a way someone else would understand.

“I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, but I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I’m not better off without you, and neither is anyone else you know” Gojo said suddenly.

“Thank you” you said after a while more of silence, looking up at him.

“What for?” he asked as he met your gaze.

“I guess I just appreciate the reminder at times like these”

“I’ll remind you for the rest of our lives, if you’ll let me” he smiled softly.

You placed a hand on the side of Gojo’s face and caressed his cheek with your thumb.

“I’d like that”

Maybe one day you’d love life as much as you loved him, maybe that day was worth waiting for.

[small-sinclair]

Wolves knocking at the Door

poly!Sinclairs x y/n

Tw: reader is not a wolf (only the brothers), Bo being himself (soft at the end), mentions of past killings, blood, reader gets smacked

This is a free style a/b/o prompt because no one is going to stop me and I have free will over myself. It came to me while I was eating chips and scrolling through @sketchy-rosewitch's blog the other day.

Days before a full moon are the worse in the Sinclair house, and you've taken good note of it. Bo gets angrier like throwing things across Ambrose, Vincent's kills become more violent and bloodied, and Lester just has a hard time keeping his thoughts lined and together, making it harder for him to focus or do his job.

When they were at home with you, they did their damnest to keep their emotions in check. They just wanted to make sure you didn't see the worse in them, that's all; and you knew that they were working so hard on making sure you never see that side of them.

But it's different tonight as the full moon was coming tonight, and you knew that they'll be... different. You knew they'll be out, hunting, fighting, terrorizing, killing--you knew it all but you weren't afraid. Besides, you knew that they'll never hurt you, and they make sure you have Papa's silver bullets and the blessed pistols with you just in case they even tried.

The morning started with Bo's cursing and a coffee mung breaking; that's what woke you. As you came down stairs, you were met with a broken mug on the floor and Lester in a headlock, Vincent pulling Bo away from his brother, and feverish blue eyes filled with fire and brimstone. The power he has in that pose is enough to make you want to run away, but you know better than that.

"Bo!" You snapped as you hurried into the kitchen, but you kept your distance when Vincent shot you a look. "Bo, let him go!"

With a tug, Bo was ripped off Lester's neck, Lester falling to the ground on his hands and knees, coughing and gasping for air as he held his neck. As Vincent backed away with bis brother locked in his grasp, you came to Lester's side and tried to help his steady his breathing.

You haven't seen Bo like this since the night you first saw him kill, when he first dug large canine teeth into your friend's neck, ripping it out to leave her to bleed out on the church floor.

You rubbed his back as he coughs, leaning into your touch. "...betta get outta here, darlin'," he breathed as he heard Vincent losing his grip and Bo stomping over to him. "Git--"

Before you had time to react to his warning, a large hand came down, and the world went quite. The birds stopped singing and the marsh stopped its song. The clouds covered the morning sun and the wind hit the house with full force. A bomb might as well gone off in the house as you faced the other way, holding your face, as the sting filled over your skin. Tears burned like acid as you cried silently. Before anyone could say or do anything, you stand and race out of the house, running down the street towards the church.

Where you still in your pajamas? Yes.

Did you care? No.

When you make it into the church, you find yourself running past their dead mother and hiding in the confessional, locking it. Going to the back of the booth, you tried to make yourself small before hiding your face in your legs, crying. He promised he would never do that, he promised to be a good man and his brothers agreed...

But how much does a promise cost, y/n? What's the payment at the end? They're beast, monsters. They are born to kill and worship the hunt on a full moon. Monsters don't keep promises.

But the Sinclairs do. They're better than this, and they'll prove it.

In a few moments, you hear the door to the church bursting open and heavy footsteps. "Y/n?" Bo called breathlessly, eyes scanning wildly over the pews and walls. "Darlin'! Come out--"

"No!" You yelled back, hugging yourself tightly. Your voice echoed from the locked confessional, and you heard Bo's boots coming to the door. He knocks, but you just yell, "Leave me alone, Bo!"

"Y/n, please com' out!" Bo shouted back, his right hand still burning from the sting. "Come out. I'll do anythin' ya want! Anythin'!" He kneels in front off the door and took in your scent, and he wanted to throw-up. He did this to you. He did this. He loves the smell of fear from his victums, but not from you. His hands rested on the door and he leaned against it. "Honey, please? Open up?"

At first, you don't move from your spot. You looked at the locked door then back at the handle. If you do open up, what'll happen? You're nervous he might yell, might feel different--

Then you hear something you thought you'd never hear: Bo whines at the door, his head thumping against the wood. It's heart aching and it tears you apart to hear him whine like a hurt puppy. You hear it again before the whine turns into him crying at the door, head still pressed against the wood. "Please, darlin," he whispers. "How do I make it better?"

You hear boots shuffling across the church floor, and Lester voice rings over, "Y/n? Ya okay? Where are ya, sweet pea?" His voice falls when he sees his brother at the confessional door, and he frowns. "Y/n?" You're not sure if you should answer him until you hear him joining his brother's side. you see their shadows through the crack on the door. "Yer okay, sweetness," he said against the door. "He didn't mean it." Lester rested his head against the door as well, closing his eyes. He didn't like how you smelled when you left the house in a panic, and he didn't like it now. "Honeydew?"

Then Vincent joins. You know his boots anywhere as he enters. You can hear him sniff the air then whimpering lowly as he joins his brothers. You could see his shadow behind his brothers as he placed a heavy hand on the door, resting his head against the cold wood.

"Sweetheart, please?" Bo's voice cracks. "Open the door? I gotta make sure yer okay."

"I'm not okay, Bo," you answer, your head raising from you hugged knees. "You hit me."

"He didn't mean it!" Lester replied. "Honest!" He's just as scared as his brothers. If you don't open up, he'll make sure Bo pays for everything. He hates hearing you so hurt and sad. That hit was supposed to hit him, not you.

"I wanna hear it from him," you said, wiping your eyes. "I want to hear it from Bo."

Bo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Ya know I didn't mean it."

Not good enough.

"Then I'm not coming out," you huffed. You're standing your ground on this one.

Vincent looks down at his twin then nodded at the door. He'll do anything to make you stop crying, to take away your pain and have it as his own. Vincent hated seeing you crying, and he hated that he wasn't strong enough to keep the other Alpha at bay. He just wanted to hold you in his arms, bury your head into his chest, and never let you go until you died. He promised himself that he would kill anyone that hurts you, and here he was, glaring at his brother.

Bo begs this time, and he sounds a bit pathetic, "Y/n. I'll do anythin'--"

"Then tell me you didn't mean it, Bo," you said again, looking at the door with hopeful eyes. "Tell me you won't do it again." You sniffled and said, "If you ever want to hold me or kiss me or fuck me, then you'll say it. If not," you looked around the room then back at the door, "I'll stay in here until you say it."

Bo grits his teeth then looks at the closed door as if he was kneeling in front of God himself. He looks down as he felt Lester's hand on his shoulder, nodding at the door.

"'M sorry, Y/n," it doesn't sound forced as he looked at the door. "'M sorry, darlin'. I swear to ya I'll that I'll never lay a hand on ya again. I promise, y/n... I swear it to you." He leans against the door and listens. "Darlin', please? Open up? Le' us see ya."

Silence filled the church before they heard you unlock the door. Bo sits up in attention, his bright blue eyes glowing and scared. Lester's plays with his hands nervously, his brown eyes were mixing to a hazel. Vincent... to say he was nervous was an understatement; he was terrified of your next words and actions. You were the best thing to happen to this little pack.

When Bo looked up to see your face, he was horrified. His hand print marked your perfect skin, and he hated himself more when he saw your puffy and red eyes trying so hard to smile down at him.

He looked as if he was a child reaching up to he picked up by his parent when his hands reached for yours, and you took them. You stepped closer and hold his head against your stomach.

''M sorry, darlin," he murmurs against your pajama shirt. "'M so sorry."

You comb through his hair, closing your eyes, and felt Vincent's arms wrap around your shoulders, taking in your scent, and Lester's hands rubbing your arms gently. Feeling your boys around you always made you feel safe and special.

You four stay like that for a while until you break the silence. "Can I cuddle you before you three have to go out tonight? Please?"

And they're all for it. They walk with you back to the house, Lester taking off his shoes to give you so you don't have to walk over the stones. Vincent holding your hand while Bo follows behind, listening to you talk about your plans for tonight while they go on their hunt.

By the time all of you are back at the house, they head to your room, the room that you share with Bo, and get ready, letting you go under the covers first to get comfortable.

First, Lester crawls in, snuggling up to your left side. Second, Vincent holds you and Lester. Third and last, Bo joins on your right side, getting a side all to himself.

For a while, you stay silent, letting the birds sing and the marsh start its song again.

Bo litters your bruised face with soft, gentle kisses while you run your fingers through Lester's hair, him humming to the touches. Vincent is looking at you as if he's seeing you for the first time. Before long, he takes off his mask and kisses your jaw.

Before you know it, you're asleep between them once more. You're safe and loved from them, and that's all you need.

When you wake up, the only one there is Bo, and your resting your head against his chest. Warm arms wrap around you protectively as he looks up at the ceiling, lost in thought.

When you look up, you can see his first stages of transformation: large brown and soft wolf ears sticking out of his hair, his nails longer and sharper, his blue eyes turning to a deeper blue mixed with purple, small patches of fur littering over his body. He'll have to leave soon before the afternoon sun sets to join his brothers.

Mainly to make sure Lester is okay while during his transformation. It always hurts him the most, so he'll need some support from his two Alphas.

When he feels your eyes on him, he looks down with sadness mixing his eyes. "'M so sorry, darling," he whispers, scared to startle you. "Forgive me?"

"I'll forgive you if you promise to start reading those anger management books I gave you." Then you thought. "Or listen to some ASMR audios."

"I'll take the books, y/n." His voice was rougher and deeper as the day grew.

You snuggle into his shirt, feeling the warmth and his heartbeat against your skin. "Works for me." You look up at him. "I love you."

He brings your face up to his as he places a kiss on your lips. "I love you more, y/n."

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

Lifeline

a/n I just can't help myself. When addiction calls I answer. This is nothing too special but this idea popped into my head and well now the idea is here.

Warnings: contains spoilers from episode 6! Don't read this if you haven't watched it!!!!!!!!!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

There was nothing more crippling than feeling helpless. Then see something unfolding in front of your eyes and not be able to do anything about it. Ellie tried to shake Joel, who was lying on the cold ground. Blood poured out of the open wound. She had nothing but him. It was just the two of them. Have been for months. Ellie and Joel. What was she supposed to do now? How was she going to survive now? What was she supposed to do if he died?

Ellie's cheeks flushed as angry and terrified tears streamed down, "Wake up, Joel," she shook the male for what felt like a thousand times, "You have to fucking open your eyes. I need you," Ellie cried silently. She couldn't lose him either. She lost too many people, and she just got comfortable with Joel. They just broke the ice with each other. Life was cruel, but surely not that cruel.

The sound of someone stepping on a dry stick made Ellie quickly turn to the sound as she shifted, reaching for her gun. "Easy. I mean no harm," a female voice called out, yet Ellie didn't lower her weapon. Even if there was not much use for it considering that her hands were shaking like leaves in the cold autumn breeze.

"I can help your dad, just don't shoot me." Emotions ran high in situations like this. You'd seen quite a few of them. Had seen plenty of doctors end up with bullets between their eyes simply because they pressed the wrong buttons at the wrong time. "Please, help," the girl croaked out. Her eyes fell back on the unconscious man.

You stepped closer, moving her blood-drained hands from the still-bleeding wound. From the color of the male's skin, you could tell that he had lost quite a chunk of blood, and if you didn't act fast, he was going to bleed out to death. "Put your hands back on the wound and press on it as hard as you can. Can you do that for me?", you asked her as calmly as possible, searching for her eyes and not waiting for words. You knew better than to expect her to talk. She nodded weakly before following up on your words.

You looked around. The place was nothing but a wasteland, but you noticed a couple of bushes surrounded by rocks. You scrubbed up to your feet, quickly jogging down there before racking your nails at the plush greenery. Ellie watched you the whole time. She was quite strongly expecting you to take off running. Leaving her all alone once again, but you didn't. You come right back, and Ellie started to feel like she was almost imagining you.

"Let go for me now", you said softly, before you lifted the side of the male's shirt, pushing her hands away as you shoved a handful of moss into the wound, "Lift the back of my jacket and rip the bottom of my shirt off". Yet she did nothing, her eyes focused on her bloody hands. You would let go of the wounded side and do it yourself, but every drop of blood now was vital. "Look, young lady, either you do it, or your daddy crosses the bridge to never-after. Rip it now!" you barked out harshly, watching her flinch, but reach for the back of your jacket before once again following your orders.

Since there was no way for you to turn him over or lift him, you had to get creative. Pressing the ripped dry material over the moss you lowered the shirt back down before clenching as much material as you could. Making knots as you tighten the shirt around his torso. "My house is not far off," you said while pulling out the rope from your bag and knotting it around his ankles. "Can you get on the horse?", you turn your attention to the girl who was going into shock. You could tell that she was already mentally checked out.

Walking to her, you took her by the hand, nudging her towards the horse before lifting her slightly so that getting up for her would be easier. "Joel," she mumbled, turning back to look at the male. Well, at least now you know the name. "I can't lift him. I tied him to the horse; we'll drag him there, see?", you showed her the rope. Knowing full well that this wasn't the best idea. But it was that or leaving him here to die: "I'll stitch Joel up then, okay?"

That was about an hour ago. Now, you had just finished bandaging Joel. Who was still unconscious, but at least his face had regained some of its colors back. He had mumbled random words as you were stitching him up. Calling you Sarah before moving to Tess and ending with Ellie. You cooed at him through it all. Letting him touch your hand and smiling down at him as he continued to murmur under his breath. If you had been there a moment later, Joel would have been gone. Pulling a wool blanket over his body, you once again changed out the cold cloth that rested on his forehead before stepping out.

You had left the girl before the fire. In a picture-perfect scenario, you would have preferred for someone to wash her up instantly. Sitting there with someone else's blood on your hands could do a number on you. She was staring at her hands like she had done back by the train rails. You cleared your throat, making her jump. "Let's wash your hands, huh," you said, rubbing her shoulder gently. Her expression didn't change as she stood up, letting you lead her to the big bowl of warm water.

Now, instead of her hands, she watched as the water turns red. "I'm Y/N; can you tell me your name?", you ask her while scrubbing her hands with a cloth. She swallows hard, lips trembling, before a silent whimper came out, "El-Ellie." You hummed, reaching for the lavender soup that was put to the side as you rubbed it into her skin. "Joel said your name a couple of times, actually. Good to add a face to the name", Ellie instantly shrugged back, eyes turning to the room you two had barely managed to drag Joel to.

"He's stable now. Has a fever, but it's normal", you tried to reassure her once again, "You can go see him after we clean up". Tears once again picked up at the corners of her eyes as she continued to look toward the room. "I have no one else… I…", a sob slips past her lips, and you drop the wet towel into the bowl. Bringing her closer to your chest. You had no clue who the two of them were. But there was a lot of love between them. You could tell.

"Come, let's check on him," rubbing her upper arms, you lead her to Joel. Choosing to remain by the door and let her find her own way to him. She needed this moment with him. Just the two of them. You were there only for supervision. Ellie's eyebrows scrunched up as she looked down at Joel. His still somewhat pale skin made her feel sick. Bearing for the side of the fur blanket, she reached under. Quickly finding Joel's palm before slipping her much smaller hand into his.

"You will wake up, right?", she crocked out the free hand reaching to caress his cheek. "You're Joel fucking Miller, you don't just die," yet her voice died down as she turned her attention towards you, "Right?". You let out a sigh, moving closer to the two of them. Taking a seat on the other side of Joel. "Well, considering that from what I can tell, he survived a bullet that nearly blew out his brain, I think there's no doubt that he will make it", you knew that making claims like that were bold. So many things could still go wrong. Infections. Blood cloths. Blood infections. You name it.

But you also needed to drag another drowning soul from under the water. Ellie needed something to cling to, and you were going to throw her a lifeline. You let her sit by his side for a while. Letting her watch Joel breathe till her body eased up. "Should we go eat? We can make Joel some antibiotic tea, and if he wakes up, something easy to digest". Ellie was hesitant at first, but the fact that this was the only way she could somehow help Joel made her let go of him.

Ellie was turning a carrot in her hands, inspecting the vegetable. "Ever had a carrot?", you asked her as you continued to chop up onions. "Canned ones," she shrugged. "Well, take a bite; you won't regret it," you encouraged, watching her face change as she chewed and the new flavor worked its way into her brain."That's sick," she breathed out, taking another bite, making you chuckle. "You wait for the stew, then we can compare." You weren't wrong there either. She lapped up the whole bowl and helped herself to seconds. Slowly but surely coming back down from the initial panic.

You were finishing up cleaning the dishes when you reached for a cigarette. Needing to take the edge of the day yourself. Ellie was carelessly spinning on the chair when you puffed out the first cloud of smoke. "You smoke?", shifting to her, you watched as her eyes turned your way. "Ahh… sure," you could tell the answer was no, but she was already approaching you. Looking at how to hold out her fingers as she mimicked your hand. "Give it a puff, but don't tell the big guy," you said as you handed Ellie the cigarette, and she coughed almost immediately. "That's somehow worse than the shit Joel drinks", you let out a laugh, putting the last plate on the rack.

"You and your dad are close?", Ellie shifted awkwardly, pulling at her hoodie sleeves. "He is not my dad. It's… Well, it's complicated", you nodded your head, not wanting to push her. "Can I ask you why were you at the lab?", "You saw us?", she questioned, you just shrugged your shoulders, sinking into the armchair. "Considering the fuckers you ran into, I assumed you were…" Yet your words were cut by a rather unpleasant growl of pain.

You jumped up sooner than Ellie, being more used to being alert in situations like this. Joel's eyes were somewhat open as he looked around the place. Flinching slightly as you came into sight. "Don't move much; I'll find you something for the pain." You pressed your palm on his chest, making sure he stayed put when Ellie burst through the door.

"Joel, Joel," she breathed out, practically leaping onto the table, but you carefully pressed your hand in front of Joel. Blocking her excitement just a little. "Hi, baby girl. You okay?", Joel croaked out, turning his head towards the girl. His hand tried to reach her, but the lack of strength stopped him from doing so.

"Am I okay? You just died on me. You can't do that", suddenly her emotions switch completely as angry tears threaten to pool down her cheeks. "Wasn't my intention", Joel whined, and you instantly cut in. Carefully lifting his head as you slipped a couple of pills into his mouth, guide a glass of water to his lips.

He didn't pay you any attention as he once again turned to Ellie, who was still holding onto him. "But you're okay?", Joel questioned again, and Ellie nodded her head eagerly in an instant. "Y/N save you… us",' she said, making Joel turn your way, and your eyes met for the first time. "It was nothing. You just don't move much; I can't have you ripping the stitches," you stated politely, lowering your gaze. Suddenly feeling rather shy under Joel's gaze, "Nothing special? She strapped your legs to the horse and…", "Okay, maybe let's not tell him everything", you laughed under your breath, nudging Ellie's shoulder slightly. Enjoying the smile that had made its way up her face, replacing the worried frown.

You let the two of them be there for a moment alone, not wanting to interfere in their private conversations. Once you stepped back in, Ellie was curled up in the little armchair, fast asleep. Joel's eyes were closed as well. You carefully placed the tray of food on the side table, causing the spoon to rattle in the bowl, and Joel's eyes snapped open.

"Sorry, just wanted to make sure you got some food in your system", you said quietly, in a way waiting for him to dismiss you but he nodded. You moved to get a couple of more pillows to raise Joel's head slightly as you sat on the side of the bed. Reaching for the spoon and scooping up some of the broth.

"You know I can feed myself," Joel said as he moved his hands from under the blanket, but you moved the spoon out of his reach. "Probably, but where's the fun in that? Open up," you chirped, making him roll his eyes, but he did what he was told regardless. "I feel like crippled elderly", "Quite an accurate description", you laughed a little, Joel snarled, shaking his head at your words. "Okay, my apologies; I like the gray. Quite sexy, actually", you wiggled your eyebrows, guiding another spoonful to him. "Thank you for looking after Ellie", Joel said, his hand resting just above your knee, and you smiled at him softly, "She's a special girl". You both looked toward the armchair at her now peaceful face and said, "And she cares about you a lot. I would kill for such love."

The silence fell over the room, and Joel's energy slowly started to fade. Even when he tried to fight them, his eyes grew heavier. "I'll quickly check the bandage, and then you are free to sleep," you said, pushing the blanket from his upper body. Fingers gently undo the side of the material before you tighten it back down. Joel caught onto your hand just as you were about to cover him up again and said, "I never said thank you for saving me. You could have just walked by", you moved to lace your fingers with his, giving his palm another squeeze. "Too handsome to go to waste. Now sleep before I kick your ass out," you warned him, and the corner of Joel's lips curled up. "You wouldn't be so cruel," he said, eyes barely open now. "You don't want to try me, cowboy."

[fabledresources]

𝟏𝟗𝟖𝟗 ; a collection of prompts from taylor swift's 1989 tv! some prompts might have been slightly adjusted to work better as dialogue, but most remain unchanged!!

"𝐒𝐋𝐔𝐓!"

" being this young is art. "

" what if all i need is you? "

" got love-struck, went straight to my head. "

" got lovesick all over my bed. "

" love to think you'll never forget. "

" lovelorn and nobody knows. "

" i'll pay the price, you won't. "

" if i'm all dressed up, they might as well be looking at us. "

" if they call me a slut, you know it might be worth it for once. "

" if i'm gonna be drunk, might as well be drunk in love. "

" send the code, he's waiting there. "

" the sticks and stone they throw froze mid-air. "

" everyone wants him, that was my crime. "

" the wrong place at the right time. "

" i break down, then he's pulling me in. "

" in a world of boys, he's a gentleman. "

" you're not saying you're in love with me. "

" you're not saying you're in love with me, but you're going to. "

" it's a big mistake. "

" it might blow up in your pretty face. "

𝐒𝐀𝐘 𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 𝐆𝐎

" i've known it from the very start. "

" we're a shot in the darkest dark. "

" the waiting is a sadness. "

" i would stay forever if you say don't go. "

" why'd you have to lead me on? "

" why'd you have to twist the knife?

" walk away and leave me bleeding. "

" why'd you whisper in the dark just to leave me in the night? "

" your silence has me screaming. "

" you kiss me, and it stops time. "

" i'm yours, but you're not mine. "

" i'm trying to see the cards you won't show. "

" why'd you have to make me want you? "

" why'd you have to give me nothing back? "

" why'd you have to make me love you? "

" i said i love you, you say nothing back. "

𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐖𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐊

" you went to a party, i heard from everybody. "

" you part the crowd like the red sea. "

" don't even get me started. "

" did you get anxious, though? "

" i guess i'll never, ever know. "

" you grew your hair long. "

" you got new icons. "

" from the outside, it looks like you're trying lives on. "

" i miss the old ways. "

" you didn't have to change. "

" i guess that i don't have a say now that we don't talk. "

" i call my mom, she said that it was for the best. "

" remind myself the more i gave, you'd want me less. "

" i cannot be your friend, so now i pay the price of what i lost. "

" what do you tell your friends we shared dinners, long weekends with? "

" truth is, i can't pretend it's platonic. "

" i don't have to pretend i like acid rock or that i'd like to be on a mega yacht. "

" guess maybe i am better off now that we don't talk. "

" the only way back to my dignity was to turn into a shrouded mystery. "

" guess this is how it has to be now that we don't talk. "

𝐒𝐔𝐁𝐔𝐑𝐁𝐀𝐍 𝐋𝐄𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐒

" you had people who called you on unmarked numbers in my peripheral vision. "

" i let it slide like a hose on a slippery plastic summer. "

" all was quickly forgiven. "

" you were so magnetic, it was almost obnoxious. "

" flush with the currency of cool. "

" i was always turning' out my empty pockets. "

" i didn't come here to make friends. "

" we were born to be suburban legends. "

" when you hold me, it holds me together. "

" you kiss me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever. "

" i had the fantasy that maybe our mismatched star signs would surprise the whole school. "

" you'd be more than a chapter in my old diaries with the pages ripped out. "

" i know that you still remember. "

" we were born to be national treasures. "

" you told me we'd get back together. "

" i broke my own heart 'cause you were too polite to do it. "

" you don't knock anymore and my whole life's ruined. "

𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐓 𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐍𝐎𝐖?

" i slept all alone. "

" you still wouldn’t go. "

" i see your profile and your smile on unsuspecting waiters. "

" you dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor. "

" you search in every maiden's bed for something greater. "

" was it over when she laid down on your couch? "

" was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse? "

" was it over then? and is it over now? "

" your new girl is my clone. "

" and did you think i didn't see you? "

" at least i had the decency to keep my nights out of sight. "

" only rumors about my hips and thighs and my whispered sighs. "

" i think about jumping off of very tall somethings just to see you come running. "

" say the one thing i've been wanting. "

" if she’s got blue eyes i will surmise that you’ll probably date her. "

" you search in every model’s bed for something greater. "

[foresthyena]

•Me n my friend are doing a bkdk writing competition so this is for shits and giggles. Bakugou is the Prince and Deku is a knight. Royalty AU•

~Warnings~: swearing,BKDK, violence,death,M*neta,sadist izuku

~start of the story~

Bakugou was blessed into a royal family being the first prince in over 40 years. He was what others would call a "miracle" which he found ridiculous and didn't give a fuck. He just wanted to be a normal teenager. But his mother refused to let him. She didn't want the future king to be around a bunch of peasents. So they've all came to an agreement that he studies at UA, where kids learn to be knights. Even if he didn't wanna be a knight he figured it's better then nothing. After about 6 months he had set his eyes on a green haired knight in training.

"KATSUKI. GET DOWN HERE NOW." the queen demanded of her son. The blond boy headed towards his mother huffing. Must she do this everytime? The blond thought to himself. "Now Katuski, I need you to pick a knight to watch over you. Your father has some errands to run and won't be around for a week. And I most certainly can't keep you safe. So take your pick of the litter." The boy rolled his eyes, "I can take care of myself you old hag! I'm not a little boy, I can fend for myself!" The young prince yelled at his mother. "OH HUSH IT! YOU GOT KIDNAPPED JUST 5 MONTHS AGO!" "THAT WASN'T MY FAULT! I WAS JUMPED BY A BUNCH OF THUGS!" "JUST DROP IT. IF YOU WEREN'T SO WEAK YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CAUSED ALL THIS TROUBLE. NOW PICK SOMEONE OR I WILL!" and that was enough for the prince to shut his mouth. He groaned and realized this might be a perfect opportunity to hangout with Deku for awhile. "I've made up my mind hag, I choose Deku from class 1A" the queen just looked at the boy puzzled, "that weak brat? Are you sure there isn't a better one?" Katsuki rolled his eyes once again, "yes I'm sure hag" Mitsuki just huffed and nodded, she proceeded to walk away to get everything set up. That's when 3 of Japan's most famous thugs broke into the castle. "PROTECT THE ROYALS!" one knight shouted from the left, 5 knights began to surround the prince and queen. That's when Izuku,Aizawa,Todoroki and Ochaco ran behind the thugs surrounding them. "hold it right there thugs!" Ochaco shouted drawing her weapon. The leader of the group, Shigaraki,smirked and pulled out a sword as well. "You sure you knights wanna do this?" Aizawa scuffed and drew his weapon as well. "Are YOU sure you wanna do this? We have you surrounded inside and out. Do you plan on leaving safely?" "HAHA OFC NOT YOU OLD MAN" The burnt thug yelled with a huge smile on his face. The blonde girl giggled and pulled out a pocket knife. She finds them easier to use and carry around. Todoroki had drawn his sword and ran right into them. He cut Dabis stomach not deep enough, but enough to bleed and sting. "WHY YOU LITTLE BRAT" Dabi swung his sword catching the boys pants and ripping them but leaving no damage. Aizawa takes this to advantage and stabs the thug right in his upper thigh. Shigaraki let out a chuckle as he watched this, "so cool eraser head" he quickly drew his sword once again and sliced Aizawa hand off leaving a clean cut. "YOU SCUMBAG THUG." Aizawa quickly kicked his weapon over to Izuku who quickly picked it up and gave a clean cut across Shigarakis face. "UAGH!" The thug wailed as he covered his face in pain. Toga took this as a chance to escape knowing they would lose. Ochaco quickly gave a stab to Shigarakis chest making the thug drop. "Give up now. Or we'll just end your life here." The girl spoke. "All of you will pay for this! This isn't over!" Dabi screamed as he quickly jumped back to the way he came from escaping with a limp. "We've got the leader, that's all that really matters. Ochaco and Todoroki handcuffed the thug taking him to the dungeon. "Oh yes Midorya, the queen wants to speak with you" The green haired boy nodded and walked over to the royals. The room was now cleared and it was the three of them. "Izuku, I have an offer for you. If you're willing to take it" Queen Mitsuki stated as she looked at the young boy. The young boy beamed up at this, "what's the offer your highness?" Mitsuki nodded, "The king will be going out of the country for awhile. I need you to watch the prince. Can I trust you with this duty?" The queen stated looking the knight right in his eyes with no expression. Izuku nodded, "yes ma'am you can count on me!"

[starlightazriel]

a court of love & scars

tw: sa

18+

other parts

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part 6, Gwen

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since I had kissed Azriel.

And... I hadn't seen him since that night. I had asked about him, asked Mor where he was. She had just brushed it off as he was busy working for Rhys, and she was so short and dismissive, that if I didn't know any better I would have thought she was hiding something. I didn't ask again.

Avoiding me. He was definitely avoiding me after that night we had, the moment we had shared. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that I had kissed him and then he disappeared. There wasn't a day since the party had passed that I hadn't thought about kissing him. Never, ever had I been touched like that, held like that.

Before the kiss with Azriel, there was only two ways I had ever been touched.

One, by my former lover, a male from the summer court, a little older than me. It wasn't that I didn't love him, in the childish naive way that I could when I was so young. The extent of our touches were quick kisses and hand holding, and nothing like the kiss Azriel had given me. I wondered where he was now, if he survived in the war, though I couldn't say I wanted to find him even if he was alive. I wasn't the same fae girl that I had been all those years ago. What I was today, just wouldn't work, trauma had molded me. I carried a burden, scars that reminded of that burden daily. What I had to endure down there. And for so long.

Two, by Hybern, the soldiers that would visit me from time to time. Sometimes it would be one, sometimes it would be a group. I didn't remember all of it, but I remembered the pain, the pain that shot through the center of me, ripping me open, I would often bleed. My face pressed into the cold gritty grounds of the dungeon, mud getting in my mouth, clogging my nose, stinging my eyes. I remembered the noises, the sound of flesh slapping against flesh, their grunts in pleasure, whistles if there was more than one of them, my own soft whimpers of pure agony. It would be a lie to say there weren't nights that it kept me up, nights that I woke up screaming and crying thinking that I some how had been stolen back and put back in that dungeon. I refused to let it hold me back. After so long in the dark, I couldn't waste more time in my own darkness, as hard as it was not to get consumed by it, I refused to let it take over. This was my life.

But when I kissed Azriel, I forgot about all of it, every single horrible thing had melted away into nothing leaving just me and him in the world and nobody else, nothing else.The kiss had ignited a fire in me, a feeling that I hadn't known existed, something that pumped through my veins and settled in the very pit of my stomach, something that left me slick in my undergarments, slick with need. My thighs squeezed together just thinking about it, imagining what it would be like if he kissed me in other places.

Tonight, I was sure, would be like the last few nights, I would watch out the window, fantasizing like the young girl I had once been, but I supposed in a less innocent way. I would fantasize that by some chance of fate I would see Azriel flying home and he would catch my eye and smile at me swooping down into my window. I would think about him kissing me like that again and I would imagine the way his hands would feel on my naked body as I touched it with my own. I didn't know how to pleasure myself, though. I wasn't stupid, I knew there was a whole world of sex out there that I had never experienced. It felt good, though, I didn't know how to finish it off, I usually ended up stopping out of sheer embarrassment remembering that my friend left after we kissed, he didn't stay to teach me about the things I was curious about. He didn't want to do those things with me. I dreamt about him too though, amongst the nightmares I had, I also dreamt about Azriel since the kiss we shared. I would wake up sweaty and tangled in my sheets, warmth and wetness leaking out of me and trickling down my thighs. Those dreams, would result in cool baths, and a shameful return to my bed.

Was it really that bad kissing me? That he had to run away. In the past weeks that he had been away I had gone over every scenario in my head over and over. Maybe I was a bad kisser, I didn't have any experience kissing like that. Maybe he was disgusted by the thought of what had been done to me in Hybern, didn't want my damaged used body. Or maybe he just didn't think I was ready. Maybe he had a lover already, maybe that's where he was now, feeling guilty for letting the kiss go on as long as it did. Maybe he just didn't see me like that.

Though I didn't regret kissing Azriel because the way that it felt outweighed any of my other feelings or doubts about it that I had. I did feel stupid, it was probably all the wine and spirits, the courage it had given me, as I stared up at him in all his glory, the way he had been looking at me. Maybe it had been in my head.

"-Azriel is arriving back tonight, should be here soon," It was Rhys' voice, speaking to Cassian that finally pulled me from my thoughts, though I hadn't heard anything else he had said. Or anything else that had been said the entire time we had all been sitting at the dinner table for that matter. I was too lost in thought. Coming back tonight. I missed him, and yes, I wanted to see him, but my gut twisted, nerves bubbling in my stomach. I got to my feet.

"I'm going to go get a drink, at Rita's," I say casually, rising from my seat, I had stacked my soup bowl on top of my plate to signify I was done, though more than half of it remained. "I'll be back later," I say, Rhys raises a brow, everyone was looking at me now. I had never gone out alone, not yet. They were studying me, all of them, I was sure trying to put the pieces together as to why I wanted to leave as soon as Azriel was brought up. Truth was, I wasn't ready to face him, or the embarrassment.

"I could go with you," Feyre offers, shooting me a small smile. "No that's alright," I say, maybe a bit too quickly, I can feel Rhys, watching me intently, trying to get past the shields I kept up, he was strong, but I was to. "I need to clear my head, thank you though, I won't stay out too late," I say, not wanting her to think it was anything to do with her.

My walk to Rita's was nice, the moon and the stars illuminating the road as I walked down into the city toward the pleasure hall. The sounds of drinking and dancing and gambling fill my ears as I grow near. Once inside, I walk through the crowd until I reach the bar, I sit on the stool and get comfortable, asking the pretty bartender for a double brandy.

I tossed the warm liquid down, asking for next one on the rocks so that I could sip it more slowly. I could feel eyes on me but I ignored them, leaning my elbows on the bar and letting my chin rest in one of my hands. Hours passed like that, sitting in silence only speaking to order a drink. It was getting late, too late, I knew if I didn't leave soon they would send Mor to look for me.

"Her next one is on me, and pour me one while you're at it," a male voice says, and I notice now, that he has taken a seat up next to me. Tall and large, but not like Azriel, with his Illyrian height and build, those massive wings. He had brown hair and blue eyes handsome, but again, not like Azriel, with his soft yet also rugged features, the way he was often unreadable, mysterious and sexy.

"And you are?" I snap, liquor coursing through my veins, I squinted my eyes a little bit as I turn to face him, he smirks wickedly, looking me up and down like Eris had at the party weeks ago.

"I'm Owen, I live here, in this city, princess, and I have been just waiting to run into you, I wasn't so lucky at the high lords party," he takes a long sip from his drink, not taking his eyes off of me for a moment. "Absolutely ravishing," he licks his lips, staring down at mine.

"I don't want company," I seethe, snapping my head straight again, not giving him the satisfaction of me looking any longer. Who did these men think they were? Why did they think I would want to talk to them? Why did they think it was okay to approach me and look at me like that? They should know better, I had been in a hybern dungeon almost my whole life, did they even know what kind of strength it took? They wouldn't be able to handle what I went through, I knew that. They just didn't understand. Especially not this male, by his appearance, a Velaris citizen through and through, rich, probably hadn't even seen the battles of the war I had been told about.

"Excuse me princess," he crooned, snickering a bit. "Piss off," I cursed, letting my gaze meet his, a look of utter disgust on mine. His eyes flared with anger, a dangerous looking one, but he couldn't touch me, not here. "You'll regret that princess," his voice dropped to a threatening tone. "Be careful what you say, and who you say it to, especially without your bastard body guards," he hissed, baring his teeth to me, I spat at his feet, he gripped his glass tight, as if he wanted to knock it over my head. "Hybern whore," he looked down at me with disgust now, replacing the attraction from before and he turned around and was gone, good, I thought, turning back to the bar when I knew he had left the bar.

My cheeks burned with embarrassment now, the whispers slowly turning back into lively chatter. I took a deep breath, ignoring the nagging feeling of shame at what had happened to me there. My body had been used, maybe ruined, for anything real. Maybe any male would only see me like that, always reminded that I was once simply used as a toy. I finished my glass, and then finished the glass that the male had bought me, and then I danced, letting the liquor flow through my veins, erasing my worries and my insecurities.

It had been maybe about 20 minutes when I started to feel dizzy, I left the dance floor, clutching the nearest chair, taking a deep breath and steadying myself. What's wrong with me? I swallowed hard, fresh air, I didn't know how but I made my way to the door, everyone around me too drunk to notice that something was wrong. The sound of the crowd and the music were fading the only noise was my pulse, pounding, echoing in my ear drums.

"I told you to be careful princess," a dark voice cooed, I couldn't recognize it, not now, too fuzzy, too foggy, my vision blurred, I tried to steady myself, tripping, almost falling to my knees as I gripped a near by wall.

"Hey is she alright? Are you alright miss?" Another voice called out. No! I'm not help me! I tried to scream, nothing, I couldn't speak, I couldn't form words. "She's alright, I've got her," the first voice speaks again, the venom in those last words. A strong arm snaked around my waist, pulling me to his body. Get off of me! I could feel tears streaming now, this was wrong, something was very wrong.

HELP ME! HELP ME! I chanted the words over and over in my head, desperately trying to scream, my vision cleared, we were in a dark musty alley, the smell of wet stones and rotting food scraps filled my nose, behind Rita's? I searched for my voice desperately tried to will myself to push him off, to run. Slightly less foggy with each passing second, Owen, the male from before. Hadn't he left? "Now princess, let me take care of you, before that little brew wears off," he purred, pushing me into the wall, my face hit the gritty wet stone with a little smack, tears streamed, he held me steady, his cold hands dancing over my body. No, no not again, please not again.

He ripped my dress open, I cried, all I could do was cry. I was weak, I couldn't move, could barely stand, he held me up. "You are a pretty thing, I know why they kept you for so long," his tone was so sick, laced with tenderness yet hate, as if he hated me for humiliating him but also still could appreciate my beauty. I whimpered, still unable to speak, my exposed body shaking under the cool night air. Please, not again. Mother please. I silently prayed, wishing that I hadn't came here tonight, not alone.

"Get your filthy fucking hands off of her before I rip your head off," cool, even, pure rage. I knew that voice. Azriel. Azriel. And just like that, the male whirled around, pants half unbuttoned, Azriels nostrils flared, eyes glowing with pure hate, my knees buckled and I sunk to the floor. My knees were to my chest, my head turned, Azriel didn't look at me though, he was looking at Owen. Pure unfiltered rage radiated from him, his siphons flared, darkness around the three of us now, but a different kind than before. Azriels shadows danced furiously around, some of them wrapping around me, holding me, soothing me with that cool pressure like when they did at night when he was in the house, and I woke from nightmares. I hadn't been so lucky in the recent weeks. Hadnt been able to sleep.

Owen was scared, I could see it in his stance though he was facing away from me. Azriel took another heavy step forward. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right here," his voice was so calm, but I could see the rage in his eyes, the hate, the disgust. I wondered why the male wasn't saying anything, and then I realized, when I saw his hands fly up to his neck, he was choking. Desperately trying to pull the shadows away from his neck, Azriel bared his teeth, the shadows squeezed harder the males eyes nearly popping out of his head, he choked and spluttered, gasping for breath as Azriel got closer and closer to him.

He saved me, again, he saved me.

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omggg i'm literally obsessed i can't stop writing this!!!! i briefly proof read lmk if there is any mistakes. 7 will be up soon xoxoxo

[monsterbunny69]

(reversed ending) Julian x Gn! reader fluff

context: You and Julian are reunited, but you notice he hasn't been taking care of his new body. Fluff, angst, and some suggestive parts ehehe PART 1

MC's POV

It has been a day or two since Julian and I reunited, I am not sure on how long it's been really because keeping track of time is difficult down here. Julian and I have been up to our normal shenanigans...well, at least as normal as we can be. I have noticed that the feathers on his head, back, arms, and legs seem to be a little matted, but he doesn't smell bad or anything. There are other things about him that I have learned that are concerning. Whenever a new patch of feathers grows, he tries to rip them out, causing him to bleed which matte his other feathers. I have confronted him about this, he looked so ashamed. He still gets self-conscious about his bird-human body. I have decided to help him out, take care of him like I always said I would. I turned to Julian as he sipped on pint of salty bitters. He doesn't chug it like he used to, I'm thankful for that. Julian catches my eye as I move towards him, a small smile placed on my lips. I sat next to him and cupped his feathery cheek. He blinked a few times and leaned into his hand "darling?" he asked, now smiling. I didn't say anything and just leaned in, placing a kiss on his lips. we both smiled into the kiss before I pulled away and spun his chair around to his back was facing me. "Woah!" he exclaimed before starting to laugh "what's going on?" he asked, not making a move to leave. I didn't answer again and just started running my hand through his feathers slowly, gently beginning to separate his stuck-together feathers. I noticed his ears begin to blush red "mc?" he asked again, quieter. "Let me take care of you sweetheart" I replied, gently pressing a kiss to his feather covered head. He says nothing but doesn't pull away. As I separate his feathers, I plant small kisses on his head and gently start to massage his scalp as I clean him. I pause when I notice Julian beginning to tremble. "Julian?" I ask softly, HE doesn't answer at first, letting out a shaky sigh. "Do you want me to stop?" I ask, placing my hands on his shaking shoulders. He again doesn't answer but lets out a choked sob. This shocked me, I didn't know why he was crying. "Darling what's wrong?" I ask, getting up and kneeling in front of him. His hands are covering his face, talons starting to dig into his skin. "Julian stop that" I gently grab his hands and pull them away from his face, resting them in his lap before I gently trace the marks he had left on his face and then wipe his tears as they fall down his face. He refuses to meet my eyes but leans into my touch and sigh shakily once more. "what's bothering you?" I ask, watching him. He hesitates before answering, his voice shaking and quiet "y-you don't have to do that..." he says, shutting his eyes. I can't help but chuckle a little "I know I don't have to, but I want to. You deserve to be taken care of." I say, causing his eyes to meet mine, giving me a longing look before scowling and saying "but like this? this body its...disgusting. How can you love me like this?". I lean in and plant a kiss on his lips, his point nose poking at me as I do. When i pull away I am basically in his lap. "Jules, I love you. All of you, inside and out. For better or for worse. You are not disgusting, to me you are still the beautiful man I fell in love with. Nothing will change that." I say, keeping his gaze. As I spoke his expression softened and tears began to roll down his cheeks again. I leaned in again and kissed the tears off of his cheeks. He sighed again, his trembling slowing "I had a hard enough time trying to love myself or believe anyone loved me before...but I think I can learn how with your help...thank you mc" he says, flashing me a weak smile. He has been torturing himself for so long. I nod and peck his lips again before grinning and attacking his face with kisses. He starts to laugh and catches my lips during my attack. I sit back up and take his hand, leading him into the bathroom in the "Hanged Raven" and make him sit back as I run the water warm, gently beginning to wash his feathers, getting the dried blood and gunk off of him-

[cedar-sunshine]

Star Excerpt

I've been going back and forth on posting this for a while, but here it is! Feat: Tristan being depressed, Ori being a little off-putting. This is the VERY beginning of star, the opening words. Comment if you want me to post more anytime/if you liked it!

TWs- internalized transphobia (not incredibly overt), discussion of SI, discussion of death, discussion and minor representation of visual hallucinations.

I wrote this when I was dealing with REALLY severe depression and it hasn't been seriously edited since, so I can't vouch for it being great. Hope you enjoy it!

Tristan

It's getting cold faster than usual this year.

It feels like just yesterday that the first couple of leaves fell from the maples, but now I'm walking over ground that cracks and snaps with frost, and my breath hangs in the air like fog.

With hope, the coming winter will pass just as quickly as fall has been, collapsing in on itself in what remains of my mind. Realistically, I'll probably die before that can happen. The main question now is whether I'll die from the sickness, starvation, hypothermia, murder, or the other option. Guessing which one is going to finally take me out is the only thing left in my life that I could call entertaining, in a twisted, fucked up way. There's also a chance I eat the wrong plant and die from poisoning, but I'd argue that that falls under the last option, especially as I've practically memorized the plants in the northwest. It's been my only pastime for the past year and a half, if you don't count vivid fantasies of my own impending death.

You're never really aware of all the interesting ways one can die until you are, aren't you?

As it is, I've decided that my most likely fate will be turning back on my trail, finding the people who I've been running from with less and less conviction for the past eight months, and letting myself be ripped to pieces in whatever horrifying fashion they desire. It wouldn't be much worse than what's going on in my head already, I'd guess. And they'd be right in whatever gruesome thing they have planned for me. It's not like I haven't been asking for this since I ran.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going, other than a vague idea of 'east'. If I even have the direction right. For all I know, I've been going in circles for months. I can see the mountains in the distance, though, so I can't be too far off. I know the silhouette of the rockies.

My half-formed plan when I first fled was to get to the rockies and find refuge in a cave, gathering food like a bear in the fall, and then count on my pursuers not being able to survive in the mountains. I'm not sure why I had thought that a half-dead, psychotic fifteen year old with identity confusion would survive out there any better than they would, but it's the only plan I have, and without a plan, I don't really have much to do other than sit down and die.

Honestly, that option has been sounding pretty nice lately.

Still, I'm nothing if not a creature of inertia. Every step, every breath, every heartbeat, only exists because I've lost the energy to do anything other than stay the same. What is in motion stays in motion, even as the friction of my brain tears at me to just stop.

I'm not sure why I don't.

The sun is bleeding up from the horizon, lighting the clouds near it a pinkish golden color, bringing color to a gray sky. The mountains are saturated with dark, vivid blue shadows and patches of gleaming white snow that hurts to look at.

The light burns my eyes, and I refocus my gaze on the ground in front of me where brown and orange leaves are encased in frost, crunching under my footsteps. With the frost, I'll be leaving pretty clear footsteps until the sun fully rises, but I can't bring myself to care. A brutal, ritualistic death, no matter how gory and painful, seems no worse than the other option.

I try to avoid thinking about the future. Whenever I do, the pull to just stop gets almost overwhelming, and the panic that causes makes everything around it worse. The stability of my mind is nothing but a coin flip, and when it's landed on heads, I try to do all I can to avoid flipping it again.

Still, the future isn't the most avoidable thing.

As I watch my worn-out shoes leave a trail in the frost and leaves, my thoughts can't help but drift towards one of my many taboo subjects.

What happens next is perhaps the scariest question I can pose to myself, mostly because I don't actually know the answer.

I can feel my pulse lift and the fog of my mind start to thicken and creep towards the lucidity I've held for almost a week now, if you ignore the flashes of blood and corpses that don't exist hanging from trees in the edges of my vision. My hands clench and unclench, fingers racing along my palms, ruined nails scratching at my rough skin.

It's not proper for a girl to have such un-ladylike hands.

It's not proper for a girl to cut her hair and hide in the woods on her own, either, is it?

Perhaps the question of what's proper for a girl isn't the most important thing right now.

I take a deep breath, trying to calm my burning mind. This part of the forest doesn't have as much undergrowth as usual- notably, it's missing the rampant salal and huckleberries that I've been seeing around here, along with the old growth trees and logs that scaffold the way for smaller plants. I'd guess that it was clear-cut before the disaster, and is maybe five years out from it.

I wonder if the forest knows that it's safe now, that the power tools are dead and the constant consumerist demand has died with most of the world's population. I wonder if its trauma will live on in its occupants, teaching its deer to flee at any movement and its flowers to hide in the deepest, thickest tangles of plants. I wonder if it knows that the world has changed. Maybe it can feel that the human feet that used to trample it have lessened, and maybe it feeds on the corpses and can taste their disease and fear. Perhaps it remains unaware, always living in fear of the next hunting season or the return of the lumber companies and hikers who tear up the native plants and bring with them grasses and Himalayan blackberries. Perhaps it can see me walking through its trees and it wonders what a child so clearly unfit for this life is doing. Perhaps it waits for me to give up and die, so it can welcome me to its soil and bring me home. Perhaps it sees me as only another of the ones that have torn it from its roots and killed its children and brothers, and it only feels distrust and hatred. Perhaps it still wishes I would give up and die, but only so my threatening existence ends.

Perhaps it's just wood and leaves, and I've truly lost what's left of my mind.

I wonder what it thinks of me, if it looks beyond my humanness and sees that the blood running through my veins is the same as what pulses in its children, a cousin of the golden sap that bleeds from its bark. I wonder who it sees.

A girl with rough hands and a shattered mind, maybe. Or a boy who's met death and come back, rather unwillingly. Maybe it only sees a scared child running blindly, or an animal that sacrificed its humanity to keep its straining, breaking heart beating in its chest. Maybe something else entirely, something that's fading away from the inside out and barely even still going.

I wonder who I would see, if I was brave enough to look.

Orion

I go over the bear trap one last time, making sure that it's not being blocked by anything. It's on its last legs, rusty and creaky. It's not a pretty beast, but it does the job, even if the job might give me tetanus one day. I don't really have another option right now, so I choose to remain positive. I have it set on a rough game trail, with the jaws and trigger covered in vines and leaves. I've got a camp set up in a small cave by a cliff less than a mile from the trap, so I can check it every evening, along with the rope ones that I have on other trails. With luck, I'll get something in a couple days, hopefully big enough to last me through the winter. I dream of the day when I get a moose in my traps.

Once I get a catch, I can dry the meat for the winter, and then next spring I'll keep going east and get over the mountains. The east of the mountains is more habitable than the west, so I'll keep looking for a town of survivors there.

I know that there are people out there, and I know that those people have probably grouped up and started rebuilding societies. It'll take a bit to convince them that I'm not sick, and that I'm not there to steal their resources, but I know I can do it. People like me. I like to think that I've held on to most of my charm through what I can only really describe as the apocalypse. Maybe I'll start a family, if I meet someone there who's sweet and pretty, someone who thinks I am too. Maybe we can find a stray dog and live a small, nice life. I just need to take it step by step, and the next step is finding food.

I've always wished that I knew a bit more about plants, especially since the sickness hit and I've been doing this all on my own. I know the basics- thimbleberries, chanterelles, cedar- but not much more than that. I think it'd be helpful to be one of those people who can dig food from the ground during winter. I'm dealing, though. Perhaps a diet consisting mainly of meat isn't the healthiest thing, but I'd say that I'm actually doing pretty well, given the whole apocalypse situation.

The cliff that I've made my temporary home in is only maybe ten or fifteen feet tall, on the base of a relatively steep hill. The cave's entrance is much shorter than me, but if I crouch, I can get in and into the more sizable inner part, where I still can't really stand up. I have coils of rope shoved into a corner, and I toss my beat-up backpack on top of them before sitting on my equally used sleeping bag. It's developed rips and holes that make it not much more useful than a warm blanket, but a warm blanket is still something.

I've adopted a crepuscular lifestyle more recently, altering my waking time to match that of the wildlife. I set my traps early in the morning and check them long after the sun sets. It took me a bit, but I get around five hours of sleep every time I try, amounting to maybe ten every day. I spend the rest of my time either maintaining my body or fantasizing about the town I'll find in eastern Washington. It's not the most exciting life, but it's nice to have some routine in a world like this.

I don't feel very tired yet, so I pull over my backpack and dump its contents on the base of the cave, searching through them. My two extra knives are tied together with a worn out length of twine, along with my flint in its' case, and my bunched-up, too-large raincoat unfolds on the ground, along with a medley of other things, but it only takes me a few moments to find what I was looking for.

When I was a kid, I got three journals for one of my birthdays. I wrote through one of them before the virus hit, and the second one was finished frantically in the first few months. Those two will be burnt to ashes when I have the time, kindling soaked with things that aren't worth remembering. The one I've been using for the past year or so is about halfway through, with my ideas and feelings journaled about once a week. Most of it is plans, maps, paths over the mountains, dotted with records of where I set traps. I'm no artist, but I've sketched out ideas of what a surviving society might look like. Abstract maps are my strength.

I flip to a new page and pull my pencil out of the inner pocket on my backpack, and begin writing.

When I wake in the evening, my head rests uncomfortably on my open journal, with a messy, half finished list of the steps I'll need to take to get over the rockies. My spine aches from being curled up like a dead shrimp for hours, and when I stretch it cracks more than I think should be healthy. It's colder than it was in the morning, but I push myself to get up and shove my stuff back into my bag.

The sky is gray outside, and the air is that sort of sharp cold that hurts a bit to breathe. Every inhale reminds me that winter is soon, and that I'll be over the rockies by this time next year. Maybe I'll even have found my survivors by then, and I'll have my little life set up. I'm sure any little budding village would be happy to have a young member with trapping knowledge, someone who can contribute and still has his whole life ahead of him.

The trail I've set my traps on takes about two hours to fully complete, and a bit more with my care to avoid my own traps. I've made that mistake once, and I never plan to make it again.

The bear trap is surprisingly well hidden for a metal jaw in the leaves- its rust blends in with the leaves scattered over it, and if I wasn't aware of its existence and studying every step I take, there's a good chance I'd lose a leg to it. I feel a twinge of apology for whatever poor thing gets caught in my trap, but we all need to eat. Anyways, it's probably no more violent than any of the other ways a thing could die out here.

I return to my little cave as the first couple of raindrops start hitting the leaves, and I curl up in my sleeping bag to stay warm as I watch the rain fall.

It's hypnotizing, in a way. The quiet roar is the loudest thing in the woods, and it drowns out any other sound. Within half an hour, the rain has turned from a gentle patter to a downpour, turning the world gray outside of the cave. The cave has a helpful slant that keeps the water from running down to where I'm sitting, but the cold still ends up saturating my skin, soaking through me just as quickly as the rain would.

I lie down and turn away from the cave entrance. There's no better time to sleep than during a rainstorm.

☆☆☆

That's chapter one of star! Thanks for reading (:

[wonderland-smile-stories]

~ Chapter 8. 02 ~

I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes and how poorly written this fanfic is. English is not my first language and together with my dyslexia ass things can go wrong I'm sorry.

A groan escaped my lips when I felt the stiffness of my body when I tried to move something.

Slowly I open my eyes squinting a little against the little light that was in the room.

Turning my head I saw Hyun-su leaning against some boxes next to me. When he saw that I was awake he moved closer with worried eyes.

"You're back," I muttered out with a small smile.

"Yeah. I promise I would." He whispers out.

When I took a better look at him I saw how tired he was.

There was still some blood and dirt on his face from whatever happened outside. I wanted to ask him about it, but I could see the tiredness in his eyes.

Did he stay awake all this time to make sure I was okay?

"Is everyone okay?" I asked trying to sit back up, but quickly stopped when I felt my stomach flip. 

He nodded his head.

"That's great. I'm happy you're back safely." A small smile came on his face.

"Yeah," He breathed out.

I had no idea where we were, but it was just use two. I didn't mind it, my brain was pounding against my skill and the littlest of noise sounded like nails scratching against a chalkboard.

It seems like my body still wasn't fully recovered from helping Ji-su. Even when I swallowed I could taste metal in my mouth.

I haven't even seen myself, I must look like I was in a bloodbath.

"Is it okay if I sleep some more?" I mutter out looking back at him.

The whole time he had just looked at me with worry in his eyes. I don't know why, because I was fine.

A soft laugh escaped his lips while nodding his head.

"Yeah, sure."

I nodded my head before turning onto my side to face him.

"Why don't you take a rest as well? You look exhausted." I suggested.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

I wanted to argue back, but I was too tired and my eyes were already halved close by the time he stopped talking.

A stinging pain ran through my hand making me wake up with a jump.

"Yi-kyung unnie?" I asked confused seeing my hand in hers with in her other hand a knife.

When did she come back? Hyun-su grabbed my wrist trying to get it out of her hold.

"What are you doing?!"

Is she turning crazy?

She grabbed Hyun-su's and my wrist tugging it towards her.

The three of us watch as the cuts heal themselves leaving not even a scar behind.

"What was the first symptoms?" I looked up from our hands to her.

"A nosebleed? Passing out?" Hyun-su ripped his hand away from her, but I just looked at her confusingly at why she was asking this.

"When was it exactly?"

"What?" I hear Hyun-su ask just as confused as me. She looked so desperate and hopeless trying to figure us out.

"Try to remember." She pushes on.

"You must remember because it's the day you became a monster." Why was she doing all of this?

I could feel her hand tremble while she was still holding my wrist.

"I hear it talks to you." How does she know all of this? Is she turning as well? Is she trying to figure this out because she wants to fight it as well?

"Did it speak to you?"

"Stop," I mutter out, trying to pull my wrist away.

"You, did Sang-won say anything to you that day in the elevator? You had a nosebleed when we were in it. He was acting all strangely afterward? Did he say something?"

I did have a nosebleed, but he just helped me by offering me a tissue. I remember hearing him mutter to himself about a curse, but I wasn't paying attention to it seeing I was bleeding a lot.

"Yes, it spoke," Hyun-su spoke up.

Yi-kyung harsh gaze on me went to Hyun-su.

"Have you ever completely escaped from it?" Hyun-su stayed silent which gave her the answer she needed.

"You have, right? How?" I could see the tears starting the form in her eyes.

"Tell me!" She screamed grabbing Hyun-su's sweater almost pushing me to the ground.

The normal cool and collected Yi-kyung that I normally knew was completely gone.

"Stop it!" I grabbed her wrist trying to pull her off of him.

I don't want to hurt her, but if she wanted to hurt Hyun-su I will have no choice. She was breathing hard looking from me to Hyun-su.

It just surprised and shocked me how she was right now! In the few months I have lived here I have never seen her like this.

When everything here happened she was so calm and normal about everything. Something must have happened when she left.

"I just wanted to live," Hyun-su spoke up.

Yi-kyung let out a little sigh before letting go of Hyun-su. I watch as she moves away before sitting down against the wall in front of us.

She put her head in her hands letting out a deep breath.

"Unnie, what happened? Why are you doing this?" I asked kneeling in front of her hoping she would give us some answers.

"There were more people who tried to resist monsterization. The government carried out experiments on them to find a way to stop this disaster." She explained without looking up at us.

So we aren't the only ones like this.

"Were the experiments successful?" I could hear the hopefulness in Hyun-su's voice, but seeing how Yi-kyung was reacting to all of this made me think of the worst.

"You should be asking me what happened to the people who were used in the experiment." I bite my lip looking down at my lap.

They are desperate to solve this. I don't think they care about some lives that can be lost.

"I ran into soldiers. They caught me to be exact. I told them about you." I looked back up at her when those words left her mouth.

What?

"Why would you do that?" I asked trying to understand why she would throw Hyun-su underneath the bus.

"I can only imagine what they would do to people like us. They would be too desperate to care about anything, but a cure. Even if it means hurting or torturing innocent people."

A part of me was angry at her but when I looked at her I could see the sorrow in her eyes. She needed to have a valid reason to do something like that.

"I.....wanted to live too."

Previous Chapter ~ Next Chapter

[flemethinabighat]

Unraveling in nightmare, Loghain Mac Tir retraces the steps that led him here. He finds, folding backward over the fragments, that reliving his memories is an agony he could learn to long for.

I follow his thoughts as he attempts to plumb the vastness of his inner devastation. Mesmerized, we leisurely explore the ruined and still smoldering landscape of himself. I am a shadow, a visitor, not the invader laying waste. Not quite the monster he was expecting, the one he hoped for. The swords and stratagems that had once allowed him to defeat every foe had already long since become his ruin. He senses me and fears, twists, gnashes his teeth, but I cannot be fought by the means he is used to employing.

I am a slow invasion, a whispering rustling wind through the scattered leaves of memory until he cannot resist anymore, for the memories distract him from the ruin. I might eat the fears of these little mortals but so too do they feast on the clarity of their own past as they retrace their horrors with hungry minds. They bite down and savor the gush like raw, bloody meat gnashed between their teeth.

Together, we will feast.

Close enough to kiss, close enough to share a mind. I vibrate only just out of sync with him, but I am a shadow that will seep into his blood until he cannot tell us apart.

Nightmares are fluid, amorphous smoke unfurling into the channels he designs, I am a loosed serpent slipping into the current. I can be generous, pull lovely things up from the gloom, or I can make the memories vanish like I did for the Inquisitor. Or, better yet, I can pull him through his memories like a penitent man’s shaking steps across hot coals. Perhaps I will even let him choose.

My claws scrape across his mind but it was bleeding long before I ever got there. So I follow his will because it is already his will that he suffer.

We will take our time, he and I.

I have patience. Once the veil falls, I will be free. Pride’s plans fold rather well into my own, since the Wardens were defeated and my army of demons scattered. Rage briefly burns within but I swallow it, assuring myself that soon I will need no little Warden’s mind to haunt, no lost dreamers to savor as mere morsels. I will feast.

Until that time, I am content to devour this man, Loghain Mac Tir, his nightmares and even his sweetest dreams, for they all burn him the same. Memories rip and scream through the man and I lick the wounds they leave. And just like him, I can never have enough.

This is how it works, they none of them understand. They are supplemental, their starburst lives and petty dark desires are nothing but food for us, they scream for our consumption and whimper for our delight then vanish in a blink, insignificant. A soft moan and I know he’s dreaming of her again. The bird that flew away along with the Inquisitor and their rather interesting friends.

I shoo the little fears taunting him, little distorted mirrors of his hidden thoughts: tall towers of red lyrium sprout from her chest, ribs bright white against blighted blood, her eyes black and empty. Then she was beneath him, a tangle of touch and breath and that oh-so pathetically mortal hunger for something they fail to name yet smother with the ripe rot of shame. She grins into their rough kisses and from her lips bright red blood gushes against his mouth.

Then he sees her as they saw that meddling spirit of faith, a shape cut out from the sun, too bright and beautiful to behold, fearful in her immutable strength. I know the truth, that she was at her center little more than writhing shadows and regret. Failure and shame. Hawke would have been tastier than the Warden.

Pity.

I take him back to the beginning, the day he met her, my hand a gentle guide that he forgets to fight. He aches to see her, he longs to hear her voice even though it makes the ruins within him burn anew.

Why deny him?

I curl myself deep within him, pressed against the watering orbs of his eyes, the slick bones of his skull, under the meat and electrical impulses I have long since been denied direct access to. A body, a living breathing body. It feels wonderful, so, so right. I make myself comfortable as he starts to sweat, he repeats a word almost musical in its hopeless running together, nononono.

Oh, yes, little human, frail and tired. We are boon companions, we shall unfurl your past together. We will whisper the benedictions of your woes, the light of your soul will pierce the dark burning chasm of your shames… I will cradle you while you unravel, I will eat.

Sleep. Sleep, now, and dream of her.

[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖛𝖊𝖓𝖙

these might as well be weekly rituals.

three weeks. 1:34am.

𝖙𝖜 𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖍, 𝖊𝖉, 𝖘𝖚!𝖈!𝖉𝖆𝖑 !𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

✧☾𖤓

it's been three weeks. is that all? it's felt like a lifetime without you. maybe it's because we'd been slowly falling apart for months leading up to it, maybe it's because i still break down over you multiple times a day, maybe it's because i'm dying without you while you're living just fine without me. i can't believe i ever let you make me believe that i ever meant as much to you as you did to me. as you still do to me.

"i can't live without you."

"i pinky promise i won't leave you."

"losing you would wreck me."

"you're my semicolon."

"together, through it all. i promise."

we both used to say all of those things to each other, but only one of us was lying. how the fuck could you look into my soul, see my desperate brokenness, and then break nearly every promise you'd ever made me? i stayed for you and you alone for years. you knew that. so why did you give me false hope only to rip my bleeding heart out of my chest, leaving me there on my knees in the ashes of broken promises and the remains of us? i'll never understand how someone who claimed to love me so much could hurt me like this.

missing you has been especially painful this week. i'm no stranger to breakdowns over losing you and our future and us, but these past few days it's been unbearable. sobbing so hard i can barely see the road when i'm driving. cvtt!ng myself up, st4rv!ng, turning to negative coping mechanisms in weak attempts to handle my feelings. having to stop and claw at my chest because my heart physically hurts so badly when i think of you. everything still makes me think of you. i doubt you think of me anymore.

i've ruined every scrap of progress i made towards getting better. i tried so hard for you because you begged me to get better for you and for us. i don't get to have you anymore, so what's the goddamn use? there's no light at the end of the tunnel. the only hope of peace i have now is resting at the bottom of a bottle of p!lls.

i can't go on like this.

i accepted my de4th a long time ago. planned it, even; i wasn't supposed to make it past high school. yet here i am, still just as miserable, because you said you loved me and wanted me to stay. you begged me over and over to stay, and now you're the one who's gone despite my desperate pleas for you to stay, too; to stay in this world and stay with me. so why the hell am i still here?

the worst part is, i would still choose you. despite this heart-shattering pain, despite the crushing grief, despite the tears and the lies and the betrayals, i would still choose you and what we had every time. there's no one else like you, and i could never regret you or hate you. i still love you, even though you told me you don't love me anymore.

i love you.

i miss you.

i love you.

i need you.

i love you.

fuck, i'm pathetic.

✧☾𖤓