#and then i had another like... daydream hallucination thing about telling my asshole swedish teacher | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wishchthumblr · 4 months

Text

on todays episode of "mental health issues that could easily be solved by one single thing that i dont have", GET A MICROWAVE!!!

i just know SO many of my eating related issues (not all obviously but a LOT of them) would be solved if this house just had a goddamn microwave

today i ate like... 1/4th of those small frozen pizzas, 1/3rd of a grilled cheese, and 1/3rd bowl of macaroni and meatballs. and yall wanna know why i didnt eat the whole thing of any of them? its cause my stupid adhd ass took too long to eat and the food got cold. and then i Cannot Eat That anymore. so even though i was still hungry i didnt eat the rest of it and just went back to rotting on youtube shorts and being too hungry to do anything and feeling dumb and unproductive and being guilty of making food that i dont eat. just... feeling like a big ol' waste

but the thing is, if i just

✨owned a microwave✨

i could just reheat the motherfucking food and still eat it and not feel like ive wasted that food. ((because since that food is wasted i feel guilty about making it, so i dont make any more food until next meal time, but then i didnt finish that either cause im stupid and eat too slow.))

but we dont have a microwave. only an oven. and yeah maybe i couldve reheated the 3/4th pizza or the grilled cheese in the oven, but then again the oven uses a lot of electricity. and my mom is always complaining that i turn the oven on, forget that its on for a while, and that im wasting electricity. and i was too tired and hungry to deal with that possibility. plus with the oven theres a chance i forget it too long or have it too hot and burn the food and that would just make me feel worse

but we dont have a microwave, because my mom thinks having a microwave leads to "eating more unhealthy foods that you just heat up" instead of "real food". so i didnt reheat any of my food. so i didnt eat it. it got to the point where it got cold and gross so i just threw it in the trash and hope my mom or grandma doesnt notice.

but if i had a microwave, i couldve reheated that food. and i couldve eaten it. ((and yeah, maybe i wouldnt have ate the whole thing, but maybe half at least? that counts right? well it dont really matter if it counts or not cause it didnt happen.))

and then maybe i wouldnt have been feeling like im gonna faint the whole day and maybe i wouldve gotten literally anything done instead of just scrolling on pinterest and youtube shorts for hours and feeling worthless. and maybe if i ate i wouldnt have hurt myself today

but nope. no microwave. it leads to "unhealthy" habits. i guess not eating enough to count as even ONE full meal is healthier since its not "microwave food"

thanks mom

#tw eating issues #tw self harm #btw to my irl friends. if you see this no you did not #sorry honey if you see this. cause i know you like my mom and think shes really nice #which she is!! most of the time aha #the hurting myself happened bc i usually have sprinkled cheese on my macaroni and meatballs #but i used all the cheese in the sandwich that i binned #which made me feel like such a fucking idiot and a waste #so i started crying #and i took the metal lid from the boiling macaroni pot and pressed it to me leg for like 10 seconds straight #fun fact: im really good at muffling any sound when im in pain. haha #it didnt feel like enough though. my knife drawer had stuff infront of it but theres a loose screw on my table #so i ripped that across my skin a couple times #some blood came out but not “enough” pain #so then i had the very strong urge to hurt MORE #and intrusively imagined what id be like to take a knife and drive it into my stomach #which was a little shocking cause i havent had THAT thought in a while #AND THEN i remembered i have my swedish final on monday and i have to make a speech and i havent even chosen a topic yet #and that ill have to meet the swedish teacher that is the reason for the only times i have ever cried or cut at school #and then i had another like... daydream hallucination thing about telling my asshole swedish teacher #that the reason i dont have a speech is cause i realised id see him on monday and wanted to kms :3 #kinda still feel like cutting and i scratched myself with the sharp screw a bit more but at least venting about this helped a little #yall if i look my teacher in the eyes and tell him he makes me want to kms and that his behavior and attitude HAS made me cut myself #and that i pray to god he treats his own children better than he treats his students #think hed let me skip the test? yes or no?#god i feel so dizzy rn #but i dont wanna make more food and have to throw it away. i wish we had snacks in this house #wish’s whispers #personal vent #this was a lot of tags aha

3 notes · View notes