#and intrusively imagined what id be like to take a knife and drive it into my stomach

[wishchthumblr]

on todays episode of "mental health issues that could easily be solved by one single thing that i dont have", GET A MICROWAVE!!!

i just know SO many of my eating related issues (not all obviously but a LOT of them) would be solved if this house just had a goddamn microwave

today i ate like... 1/4th of those small frozen pizzas, 1/3rd of a grilled cheese, and 1/3rd bowl of macaroni and meatballs. and yall wanna know why i didnt eat the whole thing of any of them? its cause my stupid adhd ass took too long to eat and the food got cold. and then i Cannot Eat That anymore. so even though i was still hungry i didnt eat the rest of it and just went back to rotting on youtube shorts and being too hungry to do anything and feeling dumb and unproductive and being guilty of making food that i dont eat. just... feeling like a big ol' waste

but the thing is, if i just

✨owned a microwave✨

i could just reheat the motherfucking food and still eat it and not feel like ive wasted that food. ((because since that food is wasted i feel guilty about making it, so i dont make any more food until next meal time, but then i didnt finish that either cause im stupid and eat too slow.))

but we dont have a microwave. only an oven. and yeah maybe i couldve reheated the 3/4th pizza or the grilled cheese in the oven, but then again the oven uses a lot of electricity. and my mom is always complaining that i turn the oven on, forget that its on for a while, and that im wasting electricity. and i was too tired and hungry to deal with that possibility. plus with the oven theres a chance i forget it too long or have it too hot and burn the food and that would just make me feel worse

but we dont have a microwave, because my mom thinks having a microwave leads to "eating more unhealthy foods that you just heat up" instead of "real food". so i didnt reheat any of my food. so i didnt eat it. it got to the point where it got cold and gross so i just threw it in the trash and hope my mom or grandma doesnt notice.

but if i had a microwave, i couldve reheated that food. and i couldve eaten it. ((and yeah, maybe i wouldnt have ate the whole thing, but maybe half at least? that counts right? well it dont really matter if it counts or not cause it didnt happen.))

and then maybe i wouldnt have been feeling like im gonna faint the whole day and maybe i wouldve gotten literally anything done instead of just scrolling on pinterest and youtube shorts for hours and feeling worthless. and maybe if i ate i wouldnt have hurt myself today

but nope. no microwave. it leads to "unhealthy" habits. i guess not eating enough to count as even ONE full meal is healthier since its not "microwave food"

thanks mom

[renneiscent]

You Are All That Matters

Chapters: 2/?

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“Concentrate, MC. Please concentrate!” as I slap my own face lightly, trying to pull myself together. I was packing my most essential stuff to my backpack; phone, power bank, flashlight, swiss army knife that my brother gave me for self-defence, some cashes and card, and also don’t forget my identity card. At least if I’m dead at the Grimrock, I want someone to recognize my body. I laugh in bitter by imagining how I will die soon, but who knows? Probably Michael will give up and fall the river of tears while he’s in my arms and we continue our lives like it never happened.

After done packing and changing my clothes, I browse the screen on my laptop, checking the available flight. There is a flight to Canice Hill which is the nearest town to reach Duskwood and it provides the car rent to get to Duskwood. It seems like someone above the sky is with me right now because the last flight to Canice Hill tonight is one hour to go, makes me no need to wait any longer.

I quickly shut down my laptop, hoping I didn’t miss the flight. Before leaving my studio, my eyes are scanning through every corner of the room. I don't know why but it feels like I won’t ever be able to come back here again.

While on my way to the airport from my studio with the cab, I’m reading the group chat; I want to minimize the suspicion before suddenly disappear because I reach Duskwood. Thomas told me that Michael has slashed all the cars’ tires which obstructing them to go to the police. It must be happening after Michael scared them all by standing still when Jessy is on video-call with me back then.

It’s almost 8 and the night breeze freezes me to the death. I jogged my way to the airport right away while tight my black hooded jacket up to hold the night’s cold after thank the driver that driving me here. I checked my phone screen and thankfully there is no message since so far. This is the first time after what had happening in the past, I’m relieved that no one message me. Not the rest of the group, not the police chief, not even Jake. I used to stare at my phone and wish for anyone there to message me, but not tonight. And I wish it will happen like that until I finally reached Duskwood.

“Good evening, passengers. Boarding for Eagle Airlines flight number 184F to Canice Hill will commence immediately. Would all passengers please to proceed to gate B2 and have your boarding pass and ID ready. Thank you.”

The announcement was echoing in the hall, makes me startled a bit because my mind is distracted. Pull yourself together, MC. I send a quick message to Michael, letting him know that I’m on my way.

MC: My plane is ready to take off, please wait.

UNKNOWN IS NOW ONLINE

UNKNOWN: Sure thing

UNKNOWN IS NOW OFFLINE

I stood up from my seat as my hand is busy to delete the message that I had been sent; it feels wrong, I feel like I’m cheating on Jake for whatever reasons. Well, even though, we are not really in relationship right now, but you know what I mean, don't you? But well, it didn’t stop me before. While trying to ignore my intrusive thoughts, I immediately headed to the gate that has been mentioned.

I always want to come to Duskwood. After Jessy’s virtual date makes me growing my desire even more, feeling like I have found my second hometown. Now I’m coming to Duskwood but the reason is far away from vacation. After all, Jake always said that I'm the important piece of puzzle, don’t you remember? I am the key to this mess. Perhaps this is finally my purpose to be since the beginning, since Hannah sent Thomas my number. Perhaps this is my final battle that has been written.

So let’s go, MC, let’s end this soon.

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