#and then ill teach a course on like. fucking horror movies or some shit

[fatherramiro]

look maybe this is cringe or something but god what i wouldn't give to be a professor who teaches film, literature, and a few courses on the intersection of digital culture around media through a sociological and creative lens

[dracotheocracy]

Bond. James Bond.

Plz give me all the info you've got on hand!

i am so glad you asked. fair warning: i will have nothing good to say about james bond.

now this wouldn't be a mars ask if i didn't set up dubiously necessary context before getting into it: i have a relatively well-documented history of being hooked into medias that are like watching car crashes (e.g., the irregular at magic high school, white collar). as it tends to happen in trash fire fiction i have seen some really problematic shit- irregular's main ship, for example, is an incest ship that's pushed by the narrative to the point where i think it isn't inaccurate to call its narrative somewhat pro-incest, and white collar is a police drama produced in 2010 which i think tells you most of what you need to know about the narrative it pushes about justice. all this, especially when compounded by some legitimately terrible writing, scratches a certain itch in the part of my brain that likes to tear shit apart.

the james bond novels will quickly become my latest victim, as i have to read From Russia, with Love for a course on spy fiction i'm taking this semester. i will likely have this tumblr post pulled up during the discussion we have about it in about 9 hours as what's under the cut is essentially a close-ish reading of the first 10 chapters of the novel.

tw misogyny, queerphobia, racism, sexual violence, demonization of mental illness

i have watched my fair share of james bond movies. they do not fucking prepare you for how bad the novels are. i am 10 out of 38 chapters into this novel (one of 14 novels!) and i have developed something of a hatred for ian fleming.

in 10 chapters the plot is only just beginning to get rolling, so in terms of actual writing quality i can give no judgements beyond "well i can sort of tell that by the end i am going to think 'hm this was not that good.'" now the bond franchise was never meant to be a literary masterpiece so it doesn't actually have to be all that good, it just has to be entertaining, and because my idea of entertainment is looking on in horror as some aspect of the writing finds a way to get worse somehow, by god has it been delivering thus far

what i CAN tell you is that ian fleming is teaching a masterclass on how to write with the male gaze. three female characters have been introduced in these first 10 chapters- a nameless masseuse who's really just there to make sure the opening of the novel is suitably erotic, rosa klebb, and tatiana romanov.

he has made a point of mentioning all of their breasts within give or take 3 paragraphs of their introductions, dear lord i might even be giving him too much credit. the nameless masseuse took her shirt off and was just tits out for most of the scene she was in actually, but that didn't really matter as much relative to the other glaring issue with that scene that i will be getting to later. he's also referred to his female characters as women as opposed to calling them girls maybe, once per character, so far. maybe that's a quirk of british english in the 1950s that nobody would think anything of, but it's something that adds up to the point that it's very much worth noticing to me- all of these women are grown adults and while i find myself unable to articulate exactly why it feels wrong to me that they're repeatedly called girls. it could be because i find it infantilizing, maybe, i feel like the word usage here diminishes their agency

the nameless masseuse doesn't really get a lot dedicated to her appearance relative to the named women, and the opening scene happens mostly in her point of view. there is also a man in this scene who i will be getting to in full later, but for now i will point your attention towards two quotes:

"[S]he wondered why she loathed this splendid body, and once again she vaguely tried to analyse her revulsion. Perhaps this time she would get rid of feelings which she felt guiltily certain were much more unprofessional than the sexual desire some of her patients awoke in her." "Now was the time when many of her patients, particularly the young ones on the football team, would start joking with her. Then, if she was not very careful, the suggestions would come. Sometimes she could silence these by digging sharply down towards the sciatic nerve. At other times, and particularly if she found the man attractive, there would be giggling arguments, a brief wrestling-match and a quick, delicious surrender."

this scene is written from her perspective and it's here to introduce the male character in it. but who cares about that, what is it telling us about the masseuse? well. she thinks her patients are hot and has sex with them sometimes. that's really about it, i think her portrayal in the scene as a whole would indicate that she's plain or a little dumb but there isn't much character to discern because ian is far more concerned with talking about the man in this scene in a way that's pretty sexually charged while also establishing the first bits of information you get about him as the reader. the only purpose of a female POV in this scene is to make it more erotic, i think it's pretty clear he doesn't really care about this character's anything beyond the inherent sex appeal she gets by being female and the ability to write a somewhat erotic description of a male character without it coming off as weird and homosexual.

our next female character is rosa klebb. i will be getting back to something more important about her later, for now i'd like to focus on how fleming, from a male character's perspective, describes her.

"She was short, about five foot four, and squat, and her dumpy arms and short neck, and the calves of the thick legs in the drab khaki stockings, were very strong for a woman. The devil knows, thought Kronsteen, what her breasts were like, but the bulge of uniform that rested on the table-top looked like a badly packed sandbag, and in general her figure, with its big pear-shaped hips, could only be likened to a 'cello."

i'll be honest this is an excuse to show off one of the titty quotes and rosa klebb is a pretty big offender. a lot of the impression we get of her in the beginning is done less to give us an impression of her and more to establish the kind of character our current POV man, kronsteen, has. kronsteen is an emotionally detached, manipulative, and insightful (in the dnd insight skill way) chess master who works for the MGB. he's the criminal mastermind smart guy who makes all the plans. now i suspect the purpose of rosa's physical description doesn't have much to do with showing anything particularly notable about kronsteen's character, there's a paragraph dedicated to the rules he uses to read/judge people that tells you far more about him than this does even if you try to analyze it, mostly because this is also how ian talks about women in the absence of a POV character

which brings us to tatiana romanov! who has her physical appearance described in a scene that is set in her POV:

"One of her early boy-friends had said she looked like the young Greta Garbo. What nonsense! And yet tonight she did look rather well. ... She smiled at herself in the mirror. Yes, it was wide; but then so had Garbo's been. At least the lips were full and finely etched. There was the hint of a smile at the corners. No one could say it was a cold mouth! And the oval of her face. Was that too long? Was her chin a shade too sharp? She swung her head sideways to see it in profile. The heavy curtain of hair swung forward and across her right eye so that she had to brush it back. Well, the chin was pointed, but at least it wasn't sharp."

"In fact Corporal Tatiana Romanova was a very beautiful girl indeed. Apart from her face, the tall, firm body moved particularly well. ... Her arms and breasts were faultless. A purist would have disapproved of her behind. Its muscles were so hardened with exercise that it had lost the smooth downward feminine sweep, and now, round at the back and flat and hard at the sides, it jutted like a man's."

wild guess. shot in the dark. she's this novel's bond girl. ian gives a glowing description of her features during which he establishes that she thinks a lot about her appearance and is perhaps somewhat insecure about it, but still believes herself to be beautiful. the stuff i took out and replaced with the ellipsis is really much of the same as what follows the ellipsis. the second quote is switching briefly from romanova's POV to that of the narrator, and of course it ends on a description of her tits and ass because, well, why not. now i will give some amount of grace in that romanova does have, like, a personality, but much like the masseuse she's, bland might not be the correct way to describe it, but she has this very gentle, [in a sarcastic tone of voice] divine feminine quality to her. to quote the next chapter, "This was a beautiful, guileless, innocent girl." i admit reluctantly that ian did a decent job of showing us this before telling us- her demeanor when she gets a call from a superior officer in the MGB betrays as much with her immediate panic over what she might've done to get a call at unusual hours from her superiors and pretty meek acceptance of what she probably sees as certain death, and her concern with her appearance in the parts i quote might come across as a bit superficial but the insecurity, the way she appraises herself, paints her less as vain and more as a shy beauty (to be conquered by bond later of course)

we return back to the scene with the masseuse, this time to talk about donovan grant, or granitsky. he is a major villain.

"Donovan Grant was the result of a midnight union between a German professional weight-lifter and a Southern Irish waitress. The union lasted for a quarter of an hour on the damp grass behind a circus tent outside Belfast."

i am genuinely curious why ian thought it necessary to mention that his parents fucked for 15 minutes in the sex that conceived him. we must note the nationalities of his parents because with the prior james bond knowledge that dr. no, a major villain from earlier in the bond timeline, has a german father and a chinese mother, makes me suspect there might be a pattern in what heritages ian likes to give his antagonists. (READ: GERMAN AND [INSERT OPPRESSED NATIONALITY HERE]). it should be noted that granitsky's father immediately fucks right off and he's raised in southern ireland. dr. no, i'm fairly certain, was also raised in china as his father was a german missionary if memory serves. ian throughout the first couple chapters establishes that communist spies are pretty culturally and racially diverse, which would be cool i guess if the communists weren't evil in this setting. later in his exposition about granitsky's backstory he describes the spy school he attended in leningrad, specifically its makeup: "Germans, Czechs, Poles, Balts, Chinese and Negroes..." (about the use of the word Negro, the bond novels were written in the 50s. for clarity). there's a mention in a later chapter of a particularly accomplished black soviet agent. i will update this post if there's any racial diversity on the MI6 side of things but... somehow i doubt it...... anyway, i point this out just to make a note that the side we're rooting for here is the side of the white englishman where his villains tend to come from less privileged cultural backgrounds

i'm not done with donovan. he gets worse. his character says a lot about society and particularly how little ian fleming thinks about like, anything. donovan grant is a high ranking assassin in the MGB. he's a boxer that defected from british armed forces oh also he's a serial killer

"It was about this time that his body began to feel strange and violent compulsions around the time of the full moon. When, in October of his sixteenth year, he first got 'The Feelings' as he called them to himself, he went out and strangled a cat. This made him 'feel better' for a whole month. ... Often he had to go very far to find what he wanted and, after two months of having to satisfy himself with geese and chickens, he took a chance and cut the throat of a sleeping tramp."

grant is diagnosed 2 chapters later with manic depression that flares up once a month. he has to go out and kill people or drink his urges away once a month because he has manic depression that is explicitly stated. it's almost 1am so i'm not going to dignify this with an especially winded explanation of what's wrong with this scene. that's a wildly inaccurate portrayal of what we now understand as bipolar depressive disorder and a demonizing one at that, because, you know, evidently manic episodes make you go out and kill people right that's definitely accurate and based in verifiable fact right. he was diagnosed as a narcissist also while we're on the topic of demonizing portrayals of already very stigmatized mental illnesses

"When he killed the occasional girl he did not 'interfere' with her in any way. That side of things, which he had heard talked about, was quite incomprehensible to him. It was only the wonderful act of killing that made him 'feel better'. Nothing else."

so as an aro/ace myself i dig into this one particularly hard. there is one hell of an implication here about an asexual's capacity for love, compassion, you know, emotions, the things many people argue make us human. it's just incredible to me, really, that ian decides to introduce this character's asexuality by saying "he doesn't rape the women he kills because he does not experience sexual desire." it's very, very clearly not something that's supposed to reflect positively on donovan, which is just insane because you'd figure this would be a "well at least he doesn't rape women he only kills them :|" but instead it's "he doesn't rape the women he kills how awful and weird!"

the train of logic there is relatively easy for me to piece together i think. if someone is okay with murder, that is, on the sliding scale of evil actions, generally placed above being ok with sexual violence. at least i suspect this is reliably true in the 50s when this novel was written. the intended takeaway from this as a result is probably something along the lines of, "well, this person already has something deeply wrong with him. someone who would commit such a grave sin as killing another human being shouldn't have any qualms with crimes that are of a lesser magnitude, ergo if he's killing the woman why does he not rape her as well? it must be because he has no sexuality!" which is going to be treated as a bad thing. this is james bond. this is a series that deals heavily with sexuality, the bond girl is a known staple of the series for a reason, right, and the stance ian takes is that sexual desire is part of what makes us in some respects human, and that something is wrong with you if you don't experience it.

grant is not the only queer character in From Russia, with Love, check this out:

"It was said that Rosa Klebb would let no torturing take place without her." "For, or so they whispered, she would take the camp-stool and draw it up close below the face of the man or woman that hung down over the edge of the interrogation table. Then she would squat down on the stool and look into the face and quietly say 'No1' or 'No10' or 'No25' and the inquisitors would know what she meant and they would begin. And she would watch the eyes in the face a few inches away from hers and breathe in the screams as if they were perfume."

"Rosa Klebb undoubtedly belonged to the rarest of all sexual types. She was a neuter. ... The stories of men and, yes, of women, were too circumstantial to be doubted. She might enjoy the act physically, but the instrument was of no importance. For her, sex was nothing more than an itch. And this psychological and physiological neutrality of hers at once relieved her of so many human emotions and sentiments and desires... She was a lone operator, but never a lonely one, because the warmth of company was unnecessary to her."

there is so much wrong with this. she's rumored to be a neuter i.e having non-functional sex organs in this context, i think. i do believe ian is trying to indicate that she might be intersex here. she fucks both men and women, maybe she's bisexual, and she does not get any emotional fulfillment out of relationships and sex to her is "nothing more than an itch." sex is often described as the ultimate form of intimacy and i do think there's an argument to be made for an aro/ace reading of this if what we're being told here is, essentially, that she gets no emotional fulfillment from sex and it's merely a pleasurable act. regardless there's something to be said about the only two characters thus far with unusual sexual identities being a serial killer and a torturer. they're both portrayed as incredibly cruel and incapable of forming meaningful relationships with other people and the fact it happens twice in the same book i think is indicative of a pattern in how ian (and his time period more broadly) views queer identities.

um yeah so that's my review of the first 10 chapters of From Russia, with Love by ian fleming like and subscribe for more

[bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher]

Pick Your Poison

the boys get high together - fluff ensues

WE’RE GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT OF HALLOWEEN, FAM, SO YOU’D BETTER LEAVE ME SOME TREATS IN THE COMMENTS/TAGS

tw: drug use, drug mention, it’s just weed tho

thank you @anxiousbard for the inspiring conversation <3 love you

---

“Wanna go out tonight?” Jaskier asks, glancing towards his roommate. Geralt is sprawled along the length of their shared IKEA futon, one elbow propped up to support his head where it leans against his hand. The curtain of his white hair shakes back and forth as he gives Jaskier a silent ‘no’.

“New scary moves on Netflix,” is all the older man offers in consolation. 

“Oh! Which ones?” Jaskier inquires, coming around the side of the futon to sit on the wooden arm-support. “I’m a sucker for the bad shit.”

“Friday the 13th, all the originals,” Geralt lists. “Halloween I and Halloween II. I think there were also some sci-fi movies and some paranormal stuff. Oh, and Hellraiser.”

“All the Hellraiser movies or just the first one?”

“Uh...the first six, it looks like,” his roomie answers, scrolling down the list with the remote. “Oh fuck they even have the straight-to-DVD one from like 2005 on here.”

“Damn,” Jaskier slides onto the couch beside Geralt, his plans to leave the apartment totally forgotten in the face of shitty horror movies. “Let me put on some pajama pants and make some popcorn so we can watch this beautiful disaster together.”

“Have you seen it?” Geralt asks, glancing up at Jaskier. 

“No, but it was a horror movie made in 2005 and the description includes the word cyber so I’m already lowering my expectations,” the music teacher states, standing and stretching. “Be right back, darling.”

“Hmm.”

Jaskier dips from the room and when he returns he’s wearing a pair of bright pink Tinkerbell-print pajama shorts (the ones he had proudly brought home from a Jo-Anne Fabric’s “Basics of Sewing” class) and carrying an unfamiliar wooden box.

“What’s that?” Geralt asks, pointing. The younger man blushes and shrugs. 

“I didn’t think you’d mind if I smoked a little before we watched the movie? You’re welcome to join me, of course.”

Jaskier had been offering to get his freakishly gorgeous roommate and ill-begotten crush high for months now, ever since it had been legalized, but Geralt just didn’t seem that interested. Tonight, however, the snowy head nods in affirmation. “Never tried it before. Nothing to do tomorrow. Might as well, if that’s cool?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m happy to smoke you down.”

So Jaskier packs his favorite, fanciest pipe and teaches Geralt how to inhale. He also watches him nearly die after his first big hit. The young music teacher laughs and claps his friend on the shoulder firmly, stating: “You’ve gotta cough to get off!”

Geralt’s face goes even pinker than it was after his coughing-fit recovery. “Wh-What?”

“If you want to get high really fast then you have to take fat rips,” Jaskier explains, puffing on the long, curved pipe like he’s Sherlock motherfucking Holmes. “You must cough, therefore, to getteth off.”

“Fuckin’ weirdo,” Geralt mutters. But his posture is already more relaxed and his tone is already more playful. Oh yes, Jaskier thinks, emptying the ash and packing it up again. This is going to be a great night.

---

“What the fuck is this kid doing?” Geralt wheezes, tears streaming down his face as he bursts out into another loud peal of laughter. The ‘joth’ (goth jock) on screen, Mike, is experiencing perhaps the worst make-out session in the history of cinematography and neither man can keep it together on the futon. “Wh-Wh-Why!?”

“I couldn’t honestly tell you,” Jaskier replies, giggling madly. He reaches forward and picks up the pipe. He’s about to take another hit when Geralt stops him. “You wanna go first?”

“No,” Geralt says, still smiling goofily. “I just wanted to tell you that I like you.”

“Huh?”

“I like you.”

“And you chose this moment, as we smoke weed on our shitty couch and watch a young and underpaid actor say ‘rawr’ in all seriousness, to tell me that you like me?”

Geralt tilts his head to the side like a confused puppy and Jaskier’s heart goes to mush in his chest. “Yes? Did I do it wrong?”

“No,” Jaskier smiles, leaning closer to his roommate. “I like you too, by the way.”

“Oh thank goodness,” Geralt sighs. He tosses one of his tree-branch sized arms around Jaskier’s waist, hauling the younger man up the length of the futon and into his lap. He nuzzles down against the top of Jaskier’s head and squeezes the surprised music teacher into a tight hug. “Let’s be boyfriends.”

It’s all moving incredibly fast but Jaskier understands. Geralt is an ‘all or nothing’ kind of guy and he’d needed the high to lose his fear of failure. He’d needed Jaskier to get to Jaskier. How adorable.

“Okay. Will you remember all of this when you’re sober?”

“Mhm. Just...nervous.”

“You thought I’d want to move out?”

“Mhm.”

“Well I’m not moving out now,” Jaskier says. “I live with my insanely hot boyfriend.”

“Insanely hot?” Geralt blushes. On the screen, Mike is being impaled. Jaskier ignores it completely, brushing noses with his newly-minted boyfriend instead. “You really think so?”

“Oh yeah,” Jaskier nods, relaxing into Geralt’s strong arms. “Now, let’s finish this horrible movie, shall we?”

“Mhm. I hope there’s a shitty twist ending.”

“Oh babe,” the blue-eyed man agrees, “Me too.”

[flameontheotherside]

Emily Rose (Anneliese Michel) & A New Perspective

I saw the horror film twice before I embarked on this journey. Both times I watched as a "non-believer" in the supernatural. The movie only convinced me that spirits aren't to be fucked with even if you don't believe in them. It was the biggest reason I felt finding out who the spirit was following me around even if it was not threatening, a bad idea. I wasn't sure what to believe but I didn't want to take a chance on it.

This time, with a new set of eyes, I watched this movie and I actually cried. This poor girl suffered and I lost it at the part where the priest read the letter written to him before she died. It explained her meeting with Mother Mary. How she gave the girl the choice to die right then and suffer no more or to live. To live meant to show people that there is a spiritual world and the tape of the exorcism should be taken as proof of it.

The movie made me realize something.

What I'm experiencing is real. We have my version, gods version and then the truth. I mean no one knows my own experience more than me and God. I feel I'm on the right path in my life. Not only are demons are very real but so are angels, spirit guides and so much more.

My relationship also goes beyond human understanding, beyond time and space. There are some things we aren't meant to understand. But while I don't understand why me of all people have to be his TF especially, or why this has to be so hard, I understand that my story and the story of others should be told (at the pace of others of course). That at the very least my story should be told.

I'm extremely fortunate.

My life is good. Its improved so much since this journey began. I credit God to this in all honesty, besides, it was him that told me this would happen. I was lame and stubborn back then and didn't understand what he was teaching me at the time.

I don't feel haunted or possessed or out of control or scared or whatever but the feeling I'm going insane is here to stay because as someone who worries a lot about my own personal sanity, I'm constantly trying to solve problems and if there are no problems to be solved, ill find it, don't worry. But crazy people don't know they are crazy and my bf is psych nerd. Rick is very upfront. Like me, he speaks his mind. He would have told me long ago theres something wrong.

So when the movie got to that part with Mother Mary...

That was heavy. I never cried during a movie like this. Its based on a true story so thats probably why. Been meaning to look her (Emily Rose) up. Anyway, I thought it was beautiful and felt very greatful to Emily for sharing her story. I'm glad that she didn't die in vain. I'm so very glad for that. If she can go through all that fuck-shit, I shouldn't complain.

😘💕 Good night loves!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #291

“clothes trailing from the backdoor, to the bedroom, and i don’t even know your name.”

What was the last health scare you had? So I got blood tests done recently to check multiple things, and I got pretty nervous when my doctor stood beside me going through the numbers and what they meant. I was afraid she was going to tell me I had diabetes (runs in the fam, and my diet hadn't been great) or something, but I was fine. What is your favorite food to cook? Something in the microwave lmao. Do you listen to bluegrass music? Ew. What was the last novel you read about? Well it' s part of a series so it'd be hard to explain briefly... but dragons. That'll do ig, lol. If there is a tree right outside your window, what kind is it? There's a small one. Idk what it is. What is your favorite filling for a piece of chocolate? Caramel. What is your favorite thing to draw? If you take a look at my work history... I apparently love drawing meerkats screaming for one reason or another lmao. Do you like abstract art? Not very much. There are of course exceptions to this, but it's definitely not my favorite and sometimes doesn't even feel like "art" to me. Would you ever want to be a painter? No. My Painting course in school taught me it's too damn stressful, the idea of messing up. Even though it's technically fixable. There's just a lot about painting I don't like. I'd much rather draw and color traditionally. What is your passion? Some of my biggest consists of gay rights (or really just equal rights as a whole), meerkats, pacifism, photography, just art in general, stuff like that. I feel things very deeply, so there's really a lot. What fascinates you? NATURE!!!!!!! SO MUCH ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Do you have art on your walls? In my room, I have three of my meerkat projects on the wall with my meerkat collection, and my Pyramid Head/Halo of the Sun overlap drawing is with my Silent Hill stuff. What kind of collection would you like to start? I have a decent amount of stuff, but I really would love to pump up my SH collection. It has SO much merch that I would die for, stuff is just mad expensive. If I was to start a new collection, bitch I need Markiplier stuff so bad, I'm too awkward to ask for that shit for holidays 'n stuff. ;;_;; Do you enjoy the sound of birds chirping? I sure do. If you had the money, would you travel the world? I feel like I'd go to less locations than most people you could ask this question, but I'd definitely go places, yeah. If you could travel the world, which country would you want to go to first? South Africa. Make my meerkat dreams come true. :') Do you get drunk? I haven't before, and I don't actually aim to when I drink (which is very rare) and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I doubt I ever will. Don't feel like I'm missing out, honestly. Do you get high? Nah. Have you ever used a prescription medication to get high? No. Does sunlight make you happier? Guys. This is science. I used to hate the sun so much, but it's good for you. Open your windows on a clear day; your body will thank you. It takes getting used to, but please, don't coop yourself up in the dark. Do you live a boring life? My life is excruciatingly boring. Like not to sound depressing, but half the time I wish I wasn't even alive because I'm so bored lmao. Have you ever gotten soap in your mouth for cursing? Do you think that’s right to do to kids who curse? No, but it's been threatened upon me. I don't support it, no, but then again I don't believe in traditional "profanity." My hypothetical four-year-old could say "that fucking hurt" in our own household, and just a simple word indicating (s)he was really in pain wouldn't faze me for a blink. I do believe out of respect though, that you should educate your children when "profanity" isn't allowed, like in school and such. You don't shove potentially toxic shit into your kid's mouth to teach them something. What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start watching horror movies with lots of gore? This definitely depends on the child. Are they spooked easily? How mature are they? Do they understand what's not to be replicated? It would vary with the film, too. Do you have any wind chimes outside your house? How many? No, but I'd love to. Wind chimes are great. Do you have a flat stomach? Would you ever wear a belly shirt to show it off? I hate my stomach more than I do any other part of my body, so guess. Would you ever get a sleeve or a half sleeve on your arm (we’re talking about tattoos)? omfg hell YES Do you think your biological parents love each other? They're long-divorced and Dad's been remarried for a long time while Mom only has negative shit to say about him, so like... What's one movie you’re dying to see but haven’t had the chance to see yet? *Dying* to, I don't know if one exists. Birds of Prey probably tops my want-to-see list, though. Harley moving past Joker? Girl you fuckin go ilu. What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? To never leave me because of my illnesses. Nope, he sure didn't. Does thunder & storms scare you? Nah, not usually. It's funny, I was TERRIFIED of them as a kid, especially if I wasn't with my mom, but now I find them beautiful and sometimes even relaxing. Now, wind, I fucking hate wind. I associate bad winds with tornadoes, so fuck outta here w/ that. Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google. Do you sing in front of people? NO. Who are you the most uncomfortable around? Groups of older men. Are your parents overprotective? No. A recent creation that you’re proud of? I took family pictures for a repeat client recently, and I'm really happy with how some came out. Who’s your favorite comedian? Living, I'm unsure. It was John Pinette. What makes you squeamish? Vomit and fecal matter top the list. Do you have any online friends that you wanna keep, but not meet? Maybe a couple that I don't know too well? Should cloning ever be allowed to happen? No. I see a lot of potential problems with that should it become a serious thing. Who would you live with if you got kicked out tomorrow? Probably my dad. What’s a pet your parents never let you have when you were a kid? A snake. I was eventually allowed though obviously, and now Mom loves Venus, though she won't hold her. Who do you wish you could change, if anyone? It's not my job to change anyone else. You have to want to change. Has your house ever been broken into? No, but my childhood home almost was by a gang. My older sister and her best friend were home alone at the time. Thank fuck they didn't get in, but they left a gang flag on our porch. Would you consider yourself a good flirt? I have no idea. What color do you wear most often? You mean to tell me black isn't the only primary color in people's wardrobes? Do you like your hair? Disregarding the fact it gets oily way too fast, yes. Have you ever driven while under the influence? No, I would absolutely never. Did you enjoy your last kiss? Yeah. Would you ever take boudoir photos for a significant other? (or have you?) Considering I literally love boudoir, I would if I didn't hate the fuck outta my body and would be too embarrassed to ever do it. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? Maybe makeup guru channels lmaooo. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but actually ending up enjoying? I'm unsure. I don't really go into watching a movie I think I'll hate, especially when I watch so few movies to begin with. Do you like where you live? I'm not a fan of the suburbs, but it's a better place than where we were. Are you a jealous person? I'm learning that apparently I might be, at least sometimes. Is there anyone you want to fix things with? There are a few. Last time you walked further than a block? I couldn't tell you. I walk a few feet (that's not an exaggeration) and am in pain because of the muscle atrophy in my legs. Is it easy for you to accept loss? NO. NUH-UH. NOPE. Do you get dessert normally while out to eat? No. Who was your first kiss? Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. Have you ever found a stray dog & found its owners? Not that I recall. Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? Not everything, no. When was the last time you told someone you love them? Last night. Who was the last person you talked to last night in person before bed? Ma. When was the last time that you were genuinely happy? Good damn question. Have you ever dyed your hair? Plenty of times. Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? Yeah. When was the last time you changed in front of someone? I don't know; when you hate your body enough, you'll do a lot to avoid that. Last person you kissed, have you cried in front of them? Yes. Ever dated someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited personality? No. A conceited asshole is the last kind of person I'm dating. Would you prefer a kiss on the cheek or neck? Well I mean what's the vibe lmao Do you like to cuddle? Yeah, if we're a close couple and it's not too hot. Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? Nah. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? I wish we could, but even if he was willing, I don't think "friendship" is possible between us. What is something “cheesy” that you own? Ha, I have this feminine-looking "she believed she could so she did" wall decor thing... I can't remember if I bought it or if it was gifted. What is something that gets your creative juices flowing? MUSIC!!! What drink are you most likely to order at a bar? Some kind of margarita. What is the most interesting class that you took in high school or college? Mythology, I guess? When was the last time that you’ve ever played Spin the Bottle? I never have to begin with. If you were an adult film star or a stripper, what would your stage name be? I can't even try to entertain this question. Even if I WANTED to be one, I would never be hired. I couldn't seriously think of a name. Have you ever wanted to be a cheerleader? No, not even when I was one as a kid lmao. Have you ever been dumped? What was the reason for it? Yeah. The first one, he couldn't handle my depression anymore. With my last partner, we kinda had a mutual agreement that to save us from potential later heartbreak, we needed to work more on ourselves right now. What was the last R-rated movie you watched? Hm. Idk. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. Have you ever had lice? No. What is the most childish thing that you still do? I mean, with RP, you could argue that I still "play pretend." Have you ever watched a movie you knew you shouldn’t? As a kid, I'm pretty sure I was not supposed to see whatever Scary Movie film it was when I did, aha. Have you ever wanted to try LARP (Live Action Role-Play)? Nah. I'm awkward enough explaining I just write it. If you could go back in time and erase one thing you said or did, what would it be? The "thanks for sending me to the hospital" message to Jason. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever embarrassed you? Jason did before, if we're counting past partners. Have you ever thought about cheating on your partner? I never thought of that in any relationship, no. Have you ever been caught checking someone out? Not to my recollection. Not that I even do that much. Have you ever cried because you missed your parents so much? Oh, absofuckinglutely as a little kid. I had BAD separation anxiety from my mom. Have you ever posted something on social media that you regret? OH BOY HAVE I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever ding dong ditched someone? No. Which is worst: Snakes, scorpions, or spiders? I adore snakes. Some spiders scare me, especially if they catch me by surprise. Scorpions aren't native here, so I've actually never come across one, so I'd probably be more curious than frightened. Is there an attic and/or a basement in your house? An attic, yeah. Have you ever been bitten by a tick? Has anyone not? Well, I suppose this depends on your environment. Playing outside in the country as a kid a lot, and especially walking through tall grass to reach fishing spots with Dad, I've had lots. I'm terrified of parasites so those were never fun times. What color is your mom’s car? White. Have you ever had a bird or a squirrel in your house? No. How high off the ground is your bed? The average, ig. What is the cutest breed of dog? That's such a hard question, but I think I tend to lean towards pugs, though I don't support breeding them or any other type that is a medical catastrophe. What is something other people say you’re good at but you think you’re not? Holding a conversation. I call BS. What does your bedside lamp look like? It's a creamy color with a floral design. It was already here at the house when we moved in. Do you like your neighbors? I don't know them. Does your room need to be cleaned? I need to finish decorating it... and dust the dresser. What was the last bug you saw? Ugh, a fucking ant. This house has had an ant problem before, and now they're showing up in my room here and there. Do you place any value in gender roles? Literally zero. Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? Well, I suppose it would depend on the person. How strong is that platonic relationship? Are you in love? Do you want to be? I don't think *in* love anymore, no; I reasoned myself out of that. I think most people WANT to be in the name of companionship, and being a pretty hopeless romantic, your wild guess would probably be right. Would you be happy with a life without romance? I'd live. Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? No. If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? Nope. Religion only ever brought me confusion, pain, and frustration. Are your choices fated or of your own free will? I am very much a believer in free will and that you sculpt your own fate. Was your childhood happy? For the most part. What are you missing from your life? Excitement. Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? No. And if my country did something fucked up, I wouldn't stand with the masses just because I live here. What’s the latest YouTube channel you’ve discovered and binge-watched? Snake Discovery, like, hardcore. Does it snow where you live? Every now and then, but it's super rare for the snow to stick, and it's maybe even rarer that we get a good or fun amount. Do you think your hair looks better long or short? UGGGGHHHHHH I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER W/ SHORT HAIR. Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? Not really on my phone, no. I don't have good image quality on my phone, so editing tends to make it worse. What’s your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon GO if I'm actually in a place with spawns. Which season do you wish would last longer? Sigh, autumn. At least here, the colorful phase is pretty short. It's like... green leaves one day, a beautiful display for a week, then the trees are bare. It's still my favorite season, though. Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah. Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid? Nah. Do you get on Facebook every day? Pretty much. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Spice Girls, duh. Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member? No. I've got nothing against people who do, but I've just never seen the appeal of it at all. I would want my hypothetical child to have their completely own identity.

[spookyspaghetti-hcs]

hello luv, may i request a matchup? i’m about 5’0 with long platinum hair, pale skin, petite and hazel eyes. i seem quiet and careful at start, but when you get to know me i’m a soft and stubborn, playful person, with a 4d personality, that laughs easily. i’m a good listener and have anxiety. i’m multilingual, i prioritize others before myself. i enjoy music, horror, art, drawing, games, cooking, reading, traveling and working out. have a nice day and take care 🌙🖤

hi, anon! I’m gonna assume you like boys, please correct me if you don’t! ill rewrite the matchup for you!

imma have to match you up with Jeff!!! He first meets you during one of the dinners and notices how quiet you are. He attempts to be your friend, and starts of conversation with you. Small talk of course. He finds out about your music interests, and talks to you about music most of the time! He texts you in the middle of the night like “___ just dropped a new album. fucking slaps dude. check it.” At first, that's basically all the interaction between you two. He invites you to go with him on a mission, and finds out you guys also share the same interest in horror related things! He tells you about some cool movies you guys should watch together, and you guys make plans to watch it the next day. Next day rolls around, and he is showing you the movie. Pretty much your basic shock-value jumpscare filled horror movie. He flinches sometimes, but during one particular scene, you both get caught off guard and your guys’ first instinct was to grab onto each other. (hehehee cheesy I know but just go with it its cute in my head) You guys both laugh it off but he keeps thinking about how cute that was throughout the whole movie. He then hangs out with you a lot more, and whenever you guys watch movies, he puts his arm around you. A couple days later he sees you cooking, and ok I hc that Jeff loves food and loves cooking, so he instantly is like holy shit and gets excited. He takes you on long walks through the forest, and always mentions how cool your hair is. He also does the Tall Person Thing and pats your head, or rests his arm on your head, just to tease you though. He never fails to make you laugh, and he always mocks the way you laugh, only because he thinks its cute though. One day you guys are hanging out, and he tells you his feelings, but in the usual Jeff way so he is like “its whatever though” because he doesn’t wanna seem soft or anything. buuuut things go great and in your guys’ free time he makes you teach him the swear words in the languages you know and uses them towards the other pastas. he does cute shit with you, and always tells you how beautiful you are. 

[threenorth]

Dearest L

TW: secerts, kisses and hugs attraction ughh stuff i shouldn't type.

This started romantic then I got deep fast...

I remember when i rung the doorbell and knocked on the door.

The pussy wagon parked in front. Stickers I've never seen.

I told my mom to answer it and she's like what and you didn't even see me but i herd your voice, i then sprung behind the door.

I was expecting you to be running up stairs and I wanted you to turn back around run back down but my timing was off you said you were reday but you sprung on me faster then a cheater running you no way I could dodge that you hugged the living shit out of me.

Oh god that hug was so beautiful... Your hands in my hair.

I liked surprising you I'm greatful you didn't punch me, oh young love we were so bliss and I was blind. I almost kissed your cheek but then I remembered you aren't mine to hold.

Before i broke your heart and had to go away i wanted to see the room of the girl I've only ever seen a box view of those ugly purple walls but beautiful with posters of bands i liked the fairy lights.

I had to think of something that says I remember We're talking and i was thinking about your room and all the things i could do and that i wanted to do something to say that i know and i remember every word a simple word came to mind.

Bit her lip make it bleed, make her remember this forever. A lip bite but you had braces, it was gonna be complicated, you asked me what i was trying to do. I told you what i was trying to do. My hands all over your face trying to get a lip.

I told you that all i needed was a kiss but I couldn't do that to you, it was going to go bad. I told myself for years her truma is from the things that i wanted to do. I had to step back even if it was our secret it's one I didn't want you to have to live with for the rest of that relationship.

I don't know looking back if I would of stopped you if you came back at me, but i tuned my back and went fuck how do i deal with this boner on the way home, i hope after i left you had a some wild fun. But that day will be forever scared by demons yet to come, i tried telling you at one point that i wasn't doing the best but i remember when you asked to see my phone.

I said you can have it but i knew at some point it's gonna scar you that at the time i was mentally not the best Headspace but i think all you wanted to look at was my chats and maybe my photos of you stored on a rolling wallpaper, i knew i should of deleted the files but i had to get my shit off when I couldn't have you because i told myself that's your truma never speak about it because it could trigger her so i cutt my whole sexualuilty out of my life for you, you think I'm romantic because that's all I could show you anything sexual or sexual related was cut even sexuilty because it had the word sex in it.

Edit: a young man breaks down in a movie with horror should of been a sign that something wasn't right but you held my hand as i lived through pain, oh god it hurt but your hands so warm. My left collarbone..you probably figured that out much later judging by the blog posts of that time but i can't be certain..

I was 17/18 and i was sexually attracted to a 14/15 year old girl. I was learning bdsm and my sexuilty i never had time to explore, of course i got attracted to teens with a brain not healthy that went horrible but that's the darkside i tried to hide from you.

Before we dated I've never felt attracted to anyone younger than me, you made are my exception then... Rip as my mental health had taken a toll i wanted you but couldn't have you.

You are smart, cute, and cool as shit...

So I had to find ways to get my body to *ckaaaabpoowww* to what i wanted the most with you but you made my life difficult, I remember when i thought id do something you told me about the thing that happened to you.... So that killed me and soon had been removed from my existence but now i remember that wanted to see the Hickeys because you have no idea what I'd do to you that's why i didn't want to lay a hand on you because i knew things would go *rough*

I was trying to protect you but i didn't relaize that you wanted me just as much as i wanted you.

It might of gotten rough and i didn't want you to go through that, even if i knew many things I didn't think you would of if I didn't at your age then again... I was ignoring all the hints and anything related but Ultimately last laughs on me because yknow the thing i told you about me and woman I've been with...

So i made my first compromises for you that day you told me and it was important to me to never hurt you ever, so thanks for teaching me to keep it in my pants for god knows how many months and or now possibly never been able to do *kaaaapow*

Edit: let alone laws oh lord that would of been terrible... Let's try not kthanksbye

I've twitched 5 times in writing this i had 4 hours of sleep last night i had 5 big flashbacks and memories flooding back to me of things I couldn't even remember that happened oh i cried it hurt to remember the growth.

That's all from today.

Feel free to lurk my blogs.

Feel free to stalk me all you want.

Anything you want that is mine is yours.

I'm hurting today. So you say it's hard on you I'm glad you don't have to see my face while I'm in pain my fake smile as I work. I'm glad you don't see the tears of my pain I'm reliving all again.

Edit: some hours later...

You never asked me about why i became a mormon in 2011. I was hoping to find a family like the second family to me. It made me feel that i could have something like that. As time goes on I'm glad i didn't tithe much or often but I'll tell you that i miss having the freinds, I've been less active for the last 5-7 months.

But at least i got to wear a suit almost every week. I'll tell you that i remember when you laughed but later i found out that you were agnostic. I'm leaning towards fsm at the moment.

I've had a few interesting spiritual experiences but i think now could of been dissolutions of my reailty I'd ask my mother about it but i don't want to get into the whole reason i haven't been to church, oh nag nag nag. So glad I'm out of home... You know right?

But ill wait for another day to discuss that.

Yours

X

R

P.S

Rough, no more of that for today young lady.

But a cowgirl yes I remember, yeeeeee-yaaaaah.

[cassandra-acton]

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Cassandra Alice Acton.

Nickname: Cassie, Cass.

Birthday: November 8th, 1986.

Age: 31.

Gender: Female.

Place of Birth: Oxford, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom.

Places Lived Since: London, United Kingdom.

Current Residence: Tower Hamlets, London, United Kingdom.

Nationality: British. 

Parents: Michael and Anita Acton (née Redgrave)

Grandparents: Edward Acton (grandfather, paternal, deceased) Renske van Ardenne (grandmother, paternal) Harold Redgrave (grandfather, maternal, deceased)  Hélène de Broglie (grandmother, maternal, deceased) 

Aunts & Uncles: Kathleen Acton-Fortescue (aunt, paternal) Charlotte, Georgina Redgrave (aunts, maternal) Lambert Redgrave (uncle, maternal)

Number of Siblings: One older sister, Elizabeth Acton.

Relationship With Family: To be honest, she doesn’t really have a relationship with anyone except Elizabeth, and her mother tainted it so much that even that one isn’t healthy. It’s a shame, really. As much as she knows she’s better off without them, she still misses her father, in particular. Cassie definitely envies people who are close to their parents.

Happiest Memory: When Harrison proposed to her, without a doubt. I’ll write about it someday. Getting her internship at Goldman is definitely second, though.

Childhood Trauma: I mean the parents definitely fucked her up for life, so there’s that.

PHYSICAL:

Height: 5'4”

Weight: 120lbs.

Build: Slim but very fit.

Hair Color: Blonde.

Usual Hair Style: Whilst working, she almost always wears her hair up in a ponytail, but she hates it. Much prefers to have it down. Keeps it just a little longer than shoulder length because of her dislike of short hair. Is too lazy to style it beyond neatness unless she’s going somewhere.

Eye Color: Blue.

Glasses? Contacts?: Neither.

Style of Dress/Typical Outfit(s): For work: neat, formal, and inexpensive. Lots of form-fitting skirts, blazers and blouses in blacks and whites. Out of work: a fuck load of jeans. Baggy jumpers and quirky shirts. Picks up a lot of her stuff from charity shops because who has time for fucking shopping.

Typical Style of Shoes: Cassie is never without heels. Prefers bright colours and eye-catching designs to contrast with her typically monochrome/ greyscale outfits during work. About the only part of her outfits she ever spends a decent amount of money on.

Jewellery? Tattoos? Piercings?: The only piece of jewellery she constantly wears is her engagement ring, which she has on a chain around her neck. She has three tattoos. ‘Hip to be Square’ in tiny font on the inside of her right wrist, Harrison’s birthday on her left shoulder blade, and a matching tattoo she got with her friend, Jessica, back in school, on her right forearm. Each got a hand from The Creation of Adam. As for piercings, she has her left ear pierced twice, her right four times, as well as her bellybutton.

Scars: A thin scar that cuts through her right eyebrow; a result of a drunken night out in university during which one of her friends fell down the stairs, and dragged Cassie with her.

Unique Mannerisms/Physical Habits: When she’s stressed, she has to play with her hair; pulling it, twisting it, whatever. It’s about the only good indicator she’s about to rip your face off because she will do that shit with a smile.

Athleticism: Very high. Cassandra naturally has a lot of energy, and so expends a lot of it keeping fit. Rowed competitively for LSE, and still competes regularly with many of the girls from her old crews, as well as having joined a new rowing club. She also plays a lot of rugby, though never competitively. Loves running and endurance, and almost always competes in the Tough Mudder when it’s nearby, as well as taking part in the London marathon annually. Also gets involved with a lot of charity races.

Health Problems/Illnesses: I think she seriously wavers into depression sometimes, though she’s far too proud to ever get it officially diagnosed. PCOS and all its friends, which is not a fun time. Does over attachment to her dog count? Definitely counts.

INTELLECT:

Level of Education: MSc in Economics and Management from LSE. Cassie finds studying relaxing, however, and often self-teaches about subjects of interest in her free time. Currently, she is working on a course in Arab Finance.

Languages Spoken: English natively, Dutch fluently. French and Mandarin intermediate. Is determined to take up learning Arabic at a later date.

Level of Self-Esteem: Very low. It’s why she aggressively overcompensates with an arrogant attitude. Partly to convince herself, but mostly to convince others.

Gifts/Talents: Surprisingly, she’s actually a pretty good violinist.

Mathematical?: Definitely. It’s sort of her thing. 100% could get a job on Countdown.

Makes Decisions Based Mostly On Emotions, or On Logic?: Usually, emotions, though she tends to berate herself afterward, because she knows—especially given the career she has now chosen to pursue—that she needs to learn to be more logical.

Life Philosophy: Someone else is happy with less than what you have.

Religious Stance: Was raised Anglican, but isn’t particularly religious.

Cautious or Daring?: Absolutely daring. Naturally, she’s a spontaneous person, and I     don’t think being cautious really lends to that.

Most Sensitive About/Vulnerable To: Being told she’s not good enough. Being criticised when it comes to her work. Being compared to her sister. People bringing up what happened to Harrison. Terrorism in general.

Optimist or Pessimist?: In between, leaning slightly toward the pessimistic side.

Extrovert or Introvert?: Extrovert.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Current Relationship Status: In a relationship with Adam Hassan, Shadow Health Secretary, and MP for Bethnal Green & Bow.

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual.

Past Relationships: Before Adam, the only person she’d ever been in a real relationship with was Harrison. They on-off dated their whole young lives. They briefly broke up when he joined the army and she went to university because they were worried about ‘distance’ but wound up missing each other too much for it to be a permanent thing. Dated one guy briefly, Matt, a few years after his death, but it scared her so much it took her until Adam to try again.

Primary Reason For Being Broken Up With: None.

Primary Reasons For Breaking Up With People: Not having moved on.

Ever Cheated?: No.

Been Cheated On: Not really. Unless you count that one time, by Harrison, when they were little kids. He kissed another girl on the playground because Cassie had been off school for a week. She pouted and promised she’d never date a boy ever again after that.

Level of Sexual Experience: Cassie’s slept with five people in her life, so limited-ish. Harrison, a brief fling during her first year of university, Matt, Silas, and Adam.

Story of First Kiss: His name was Richard and she only kissed him because all of the other girls wanted to.

Story of Loss of Virginity: The first time she and Harrison tried, they’d attempted to make it a ‘romantic evening’ that wound up being so awkward, they couldn’t stop laughing. Eventually, it happened spontaneously at a school social after party.

A Social Person?: Absolutely. Even though she needs some time to herself every now and again to process all the shit that’s going on in her life, she couldn’t go any extended time without her friends. Cassie has to be in a pretty bad place to cut herself of from people.

Most Comfortable Around: Jessica, and her old work friends at Goldman—they’re the people she’s closest to, and are still like a family to her.

Oldest Friend: Jessica Mirzoyan, a friend she grew up with in Oxford that now also lives in London. She can’t remember a time in her life when Jessica wasn’t in it, they’ve known each other for so long. Basically a sister to her.

How Does She Think Others Perceive Her?: Cassie has an incredibly skewed view of what people think of her. She automatically assumes people think the worst. Look at her like she’s not good enough, just like her mother always did. I think that’s why she keeps most people at arm’s length, because she’s so scared of letting someone in only for them to wind up criticizing her.

How Do Others Actually Perceive Her?: Depends who you ask. Amongst the public she’s very popular for her honesty. Amongst her colleagues back at Goldman she’s respected as a professional cutthroat. As for her critics, they probably just see her as a stuck up bitch.

SECRETS:

Life Goals: To help as many people through her political and charitable work as possible. That’s really all she cares about. Personal goals seem fairly irrelevant to her right now. 

Dreams: To be happy again would be rather nice.

Greatest Fears: Polystyrene and spiders. Why do either of those things exist?

Most Ashamed Of: How bitter losing Harrison has made her. How she still hasn’t been able to get over the anger and the hurt it left her with.

Secret Hobbies: Cassie kind of loves to knit? It’s a good stress reliever when she’s too tired to go running. Not that she’d admit to it, mind you. She’s also not very good. All she can make are the really simple scarves.

Crimes Committed (Was she caught? Charged?): None.

DETAILS/QUIRKS:

Night Owl or Early Bird?: Night owl. Begrudges being alive in the mornings.

Light or Heavy Sleeper?: Heavy sleeper.

Favorite Animal: Hedgehog.

Favorite Foods: Steak. Cheese and crackers. Orange jelly.

Least Favorite Food: Avocado.

Favorite Book: American Psycho – Bret Easton Ellis.

Least Favorite Book: The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Favorite Movie: Burn After Reading. Gladiator. Mars Attacks!

Least Favorite Movie: Shitty horrors in general.

Favorite Song: Mr. Roboto – Styx. If you play that to her, she doesn’t just sing along, she fucking performs it, okay. (Honourable mentions for The Boys Are Back In Town – Thin Lizzy, and What Is Love – Haddaway.)

Favorite Sport: Rugby. Cassie can get pretty shouty about rugby and is a very dedicated Saracens fan.

Coffee or Tea?: Tea.

Crunchy or Smooth Peanut Butter?: Neither, thank you. That stuff is nasty.

Type of Car She Drives: A dark green Mini Cooper.

Lefty or Righty?: Lefty.

Favorite Color: Pink.

Cusser?: Pretty badly, although she does well to hold her tongue in public most of the time. Has had a few slip-ups that made the headlines. Luckily the general opinion was that it made her seem more normal, and it went down pretty well with voters, if not her critics.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug User?: Never used drugs. Occasionally smokes if she’s incredibly stressed and has been drinking. Drinks fairly regularly.

Biggest Regret: Letting her parents fuck her up so badly. Cassie wishes that she hadn’t taken it so much to heart, now that she knows better.

Pets: The love of her life, Brody the Corgi.

[roxxdafoxx]

30 “red flags” part 2

16. When they gas light you.

“Any form of gas lighting no matter how small.

Also pre-blaming you for things they know will happen because of them. He’d tell me on vacation ‘that drink is too strong you’re just going to pass out later and we won’t be able to go out and do anything,’ but in reality it was him passing out from drinking at 9pm forcing us to stay in. Or saying ‘yeah I want to see the sunrise but you’re never going to get out of bed that early,’ yet I went and saw it and he slept until 2 hours later when I finally got him up.

When I realized it, I saw he was basically trying to make me give up on doing things so he could blame me for us not doing it, even though if I held up my end he wouldn’t hold up his. Between that and making me think my emotions were invalid when he’d upset me just made for a super manipulative relationship.”

—madguins

17. When they hide their finances from you.

“For me, the very first red flag was not communicating finances [we were married]. He would ‘give me’ a certain amount to spend, but never wanted me on his bank account. I had my own, but we had agreed on joining accounts—which is why I transferred my money to his since it had better interest rates/bank/etc. I had no access to my own money. It took him 6 months and a threaten of divorce to be put on the account. And then I saw it—he had lost ALL of our money by spending it on him damn self. I couldn’t do anything—I could even put food on the table or put gas in our cars.

The second red flag was when we adopted a puppy [this was after I began a finance boot camp with him]. The puppy would cry at night. Ex had a temper. I heard him storm into the living room, open the kennel, and shake the dog yelling ‘I will fucking SHOOT you if you don’t shut the FUCK up!’ I shot out of bed, grabbed the dog, told him he would do no such thing, and left to stay with a friend.

Another one was when we were play wrestling and he pinned me down so hard my arms started going numb. I told him to get off of me and then kneed him in the back. He punched my face. I was stunned and told him ‘didn’t your mother ever teach you not to hit a woman?’ “Nope, they’re fair game and you look like you can handle your own anyways.”

The immense guilt trip I received any time I did something for myself—driving over to a friend’s place for coffee, going on a weekend trip to the beach, going to my family’s…it was ridiculous.

There were other red flags as well, but these were the top three I could think of. It wasn’t until I told my Chain of Command some of these things that they sent me to victim advocacy. I had to be told that I was a victim of abuse. We, obviously, have since divorced and I am now happily re-married to someone who believes we are partners in life. Together, we balance each other out.”

—badgerfu

18. When they have an opinion about every single thing you do and every single person you talk to.

“The first red flag is the person having an opinion about every single thing you do and every single person you talk to, like they need to be hands on in all your dealings and activities like they are your parent or some shit. Normal people don’t want to coach your life, only fucked up people do.”

—shewshoe

19. When you tell someone else about what’s happening and they react with horror.

“When I told a coworker about things she reacted with horror. That’s the thing about abusive relationships, at least in my experience. They start off great and then slowly warp into something terrible and the abused person might not know.

I didn’t even notice what was happening to me until two years in. Looking back it blows my mind that I accepted the treatment but at the time it just seemed fine.

I was working at a coffee shop and while closing one day started chatting with a new co-worker—by this point I had been isolated from all my friends and I thought it was because I was a terrible person so was cautiously trying to make a new friend. We were drinking wine while we worked and started dishing about our men and her reaction to my ‘what happened on date night this past week’ story was horror.

It got me thinking and once I knew to look, all of the other red flags showed up.

This was also the same way I found out my parents were abusive. A friend in high school saw the bruises and cuts and when I told her I got in shit for losing a toy something she was like ‘ummmm…that is not a normal reaction to that.’”

—full-of-grace

20. When they keep casually dropping passive-aggressive comments during normal conversation.

“The casual passive-aggressive comments he would drop in normal conversation. Then the comments would become more direct, then mean, and finally just cruel. And once he saw that I would accept those, well, the floodgates of abuse just burst open.”

—scaredofmyownshadow

21. When they make you feel like shit about yourself.

“The need to question everything I did and every one I liked.

The constant need to make ME question them.

None of my pre-existing friends were ‘good to me’ in her eyes.

The need for my constant undivided attention every single waking hour.

Not being able to ‘trust me’ yet doing all of the things that made me ‘untrustworthy’ i.e., taking my phone to the toilet.

Making me feel SHIT about myself. Constantly. But also making me believe she was the only one who didn’t make me feel shit.”

—i_am_gud

22. When they always expect you to take their side, no matter how unreasonable they’re being.

“Like 3 weeks in, when he randomly started arguing with someone over some stupid shit, I sided with the other person who I thought was being reasonable. The PoS got furious at me, saying ‘I expect you to be on my side.’ Aghast and pissed, I walked away ignoring him. He suddenly started playing nice and sweet again. I should have never looked back at that point because he soon turned out to be a massively manipulative, immature, emotionally abusive piece of fucking scum. Ugh.”

—KissyKillerKitty

23. When they keep breaking up with you.

“I don’t know about the first, because it was all so gradual over the course of a few years. Things were fantastic in the beginning but the shifts caught me off guard. Also I was a young adult and have moved out of home for the first time. It was my first ‘real’ relationship and I was stupid and blind.

Some highlights:

• so clingy. Had to literally spend every minute together or else it would be a fight because ‘we are drifting apart’ (because I spent an afternoon reading a book) • telling me I wasn’t raised correctly, nit picking every little behavior, telling me that I was something he needed to ‘fix’ because I was so messed up. Using my anxiety and depression against me. • pressuring me to do drugs. • constant cheating accusations • not allowed to have friends. Could only be friends his friends. • picking fights with me over tiny things, escalating them to the point of making me cry and then ‘look how crazy you’re acting you bitch’ Fights would only end if I apologize and promise to do better. Even if I was not in the wrong. He just liked to exert that control. • he suddenly hated my family for no reason, me visiting them resulted in such huge fights and violence that I just avoided it. Despite the fact that my family lived five minutes away. • he was unemployed and a drug addict, but he’d get so angry with me for ‘choosing my job over him’ because I refused to skip work. • breaking up with me constantly, instantly retracting as soon as I’d agree. Lots of sobbing and begging to change on his end. this became an every other day occurrence toward the end. • refused condoms, no birth control because it ‘fucks with your body’ (like seriously, your cocaine addiction doesn’t though?) So yeah, obviously I got pregnant. Had no say in anything, including my child’s name. He also pressured me to do drugs while I was pregnant, but I never gave into that. • his addiction was my fault because I couldn’t stop him. Same with the drinking. He would get blackout drunk, pick fights with me and trash the house. Things escalated to physical abuse on almost a daily basis. • threatening to kill himself if I ever left. Eventually that graduated to threats of killing me and my son too.

There’s so much more but it’s stressful to write about even though it’s been over 8 years. I’m grateful to my son because even though he didn’t come through the best of circumstances, he gave me the strength to finally leave when he was born.”

—magnumthepi

24. When they start smothering you, even a little.

“So I once worked as a prison warden in a prison for men who had abused their s.o. During lunch breaks I used to read their court trials, the legal reasoning interest me. During one lunch break I said to a more experienced colleague –Well, from working here and reading about all these trials I’ve learnt the importance of telling my *daughter (she was in her early teens back then) to walk out after the first strike.* –No, said my colleague, you tell her to walk out when he starts to always pick her up from work. You tell her to walk out when she wants to go out with her friends and he insists on her staying at home by saying ” but honey, I had planned to make you dinner and then we can cuddle in the sofa and watch a movie. That’s where it begins. When the first strike hits she has been controlled for a long, long time.”

—Norman3

25. When they never have anything to say about any person of the opposite sex, but especially their exes.

“Two things made me uneasy and really stand out in retrospect.

He had nothing positive to say about any woman he had ever dated, or even met. All ex-girlfriends were ‘mentally ill’ and hateful. All his friend’s girlfriends/wives were mean and overbearing. He liked his mom, but no other women.

He isolated me from my friends. He kept saying how nice it was to stay in alone and kept asking me to break established plans with friends.”

—victorontonian

26. When they constantly harass you about all your friends of the opposite sex.

“Would absolutely fall apart when the idea of me drinking around women came up.

Would call me when I went out to check if I was OK.

Constantly asking what I thought about my friends who were girls.

Obviously she ended up cheating on me.”

—DAHGS

27. When they argue about every little thing.

“Expecting me to reply within a half hour and then subsequently giving me the silent treatment to ‘punish’ me for not replying. Then complain that I didn’t care enough to check in on her when she was ignoring me.

Also arguing at every little thing and then giving the silent treatment when I didn’t agree with her on something.

Expecting me to ‘accept her for who she is,’ the smoking, drinking mess of a person who was too lazy to work for her future and expected me to give her money for everything, then blaming everything that went wrong on her abusive father.

The best(?) of all, threatening suicide when I decided I had enough and was going to cut off the relationship. That was pretty traumatic too.

P.S. sorry if this isn’t completely relevant to the question.”

—GOverlord

28. When they ‘neg’ you.

“Negging. First sign of this, run away.”

—SlanginPie

29. When there’s a voice in your head telling you something is wrong.

“Not really answering the question, but after a while there was always a ‘voice’ in the back of my head telling me that what was going on was wrong. I’d just ignore it, or convince myself that it was normal almost automatically. People would tell me that she was being abusive and everything would ring vaguely true somehow but I’d just ignore it for a million reasons. Low self-esteem being one of them, feeling somehow responsible for what they did, being the another. It wasn’t until I one day realized that I was subconsciously making excuses for them in my head that I decided to get the fuck out of there, and even though I knew at that point that the relationship was not good for me, it was still the hardest decision ever.”

—picassos_left_nut

30. When their actions make you feel anything less than equal and loved.

“There are so many red flags and scenarios that could point to an abusive relationship, but it comes down to this: If your partner’s actions make you feel guilty, worthless, defensive or making excuses, or ANYTHING less than EQUAL and LOVED—you need to get out….especially if you find yourself making excuses again for why you can’t get out.”

—Matilda__Wormwood