#and this is why i'm thinking demi might describe me best

[townofcadence]

11. When do you think a ship is not fruitful for your muse development or enjoyable to write?

Munday Questions

Hmm! A good question. I don't really fully know, because I think I leave it very much to the muse's discretion lol. I don't tend to go into interactions planning to ship. So with that, I kinda end up not knowing what to expect! I could probably tell you by interaction how that's affected the character and their feelings on the other person, but even the littlest or biggest thing might change the whole trajectory. Tbh I think everyone brings something interesting and unique to the table, so in most cases i'm open to it if the chemistry happens and it feels natural regardless of speed it happens at. It's fun because personalities can have some real interesting chemistry narratively you don't expect!

BUT that's kind of a side tangent. The best answer I can come up with is if it feels like the mun is trying to force it? Like if the mun tries to undo every conflict, especially if their muse is instigating it, either by having it erased, or their character immediately trying to fix it? Or making their muse behave out of character to make something happen (especially if it aligns with the muse they're interested in's wants/needs), and coming up with reasons why after the fact? Even going out of character and basically asking what the right answer should be so their character can say the right thing, so they can get extra points with the other muse. It feels kinda metagamey and trying to force a good relationship to happen, and it feels inauthentic and kinda makes me feel weird and uncomfortable sometimes?

The other thing is if some of that stuff happens and it feels like the only thing the other mun is after is a ship between the muses. I think shipping stuff can be a neat side effect of rp! But my focus is on characters and how they change and grow and bond when connecting to others, and the constant ever changing growth that comes with being a person. So when someone is clearly there for the ship, most of the time they don't know my version of a character, just either the canon version they're interested in or in OC cases, that they like their look. They'll usually approach and immediately ask to ship, and I'm just not comfy without at least having some kind of interaction first, even if we establish a baseline to make that easier and not need an introduction thread that's an in-character first meeting.

Gosh, that reminds me of a story i find funny though.

It was yearssss ago and it still kinda makes me laugh at the absurdity. I had yet at the time the ability to say no to anyone. someone approached asking for an rp. I agreed, and they immediately wanted to ship, and toss Artair and his gang into a ship with their oc. I was kinda like 'haha i don't know your muse' and they were like Okay. Then just remove the single woman in the ship. Which is bonkers as a response? And i was like 'well maybe we should have them interact first, Artair is demi' which they they asked me to explain why he was demi, how it worked and why that would prevent him from liking thier OC, and what specific traits that they should describe their muses having so I could decide if he'd like him--- and then when i said i didn't know if hearing the traits and not seeing them in action would work, they were like 'okay just put him with the other guy not artair' .

i didn't know how to say no so i just tried to make it sound really boring if i wrote him, so they changed their mind and agreed to just a platonic thread with artair. And then immediately jumped into stuff like a demon chopping off all their limbs and artair needing to make prosthetics and attach them to this character. I distinctly remember that they said artair could surgically attach them and i said I didn't think artair could do that part, and they went 'well then who can' and i was like '.....a doctor?' with the most bafflement lol. It was wild, and my one friend still jokingly says 'paging doctor art-io' as a joke (art-io was because I said artair was as qualified to be a real doctor as dr. Mario was when i told them, i think xD)

That mun went to eat dinner and never came back to the conversation, which i was alright with. Then six months later they reached out and asked to rp again, and i told them if they want to rp, I specifically don't ship-- and they never responded and i never heard from them after that xD

[feintenstein]

Hey just wanted to add my thoughts on bi/demi/pan if you don’t mind!

I think demi just means “only able to establish relationship with already strong platonic closeness”, most people don’t perceive it as being gender neutral. Since it’s under the ace umbrella I’ve seen it used more often as a descriptive term (one can be demi and hetero/gay for example)

As for bi vs pan, some people believe bi means “2 or more genders” and pan means “all genders”. There’s another distinction which is sometimes made, where bi people are attracted to different genders in different ways (i.e. they’re not “gender blind”) while pan people are attracted to everyone in similar ways regardless of gender (i.e. gender does not factor into their attraction). Still others think it’s just personal preference, which one do you think sounds nicer/expresses yourself better.

For me personally, if any one label fits my sexuality best I think it’d be demi, but I find that saying I’m bi+ace often communicates what that entails a little better.

Oh neato :0

I came to the conclusion of being demi because of my lack of attraction to people I do not know/strangers. I can't see myself just liking some random good looking person on the street or hookups. Not that either of those things are bad, I just do not fit in that sense.

The difference is that I do experience sexual attraction, there just has to be an already founded knowledge of the person. Though my feelings of attraction are there, they're just not as common. (This is also why i have a hard time playing smash or pass)

Demisexual can also be described as "lacking primary attraction" I found. Which is what I experience.

While I could fall under Demi+Panromantic or Demi+Bi, I would go with demi+pan because I feel it fits the best. Would that be considered a swiss-army-knife? Neutral on gender? I don't mind as long as I know you + feel attraction + you're a great person? I might still be thinking too equation-y about this.

There's a lot to this stuff I still have yet to learn but I'm doing it. Thank you for your contribution!!!!

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Happy new year everyone 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I know 2020 has been hard for everyone.

And I want everyone to know, suffering isn't a contest and we all suffer in different ways. But I feel I should give my year in Review. Just some things that happened to me personally.

This was an intense, and long and spiritual and emotional journey for me...

I really discovered what it meant to have community, family and what my life means to me.

But I feel I need to get this in writing cause I can remember the year with vivid detail and I will probably forget if I don't get it down.

Do I have to share this publically online to my tumblr account for a bunch of strangers to see? not really.

Do I want to?

Yes. I think so. Just from how so many people on tumblr and real life have touched me.

This is kinda long and no one needs to read this.

(idk how to do a readmore on mobile. But this is where I would add it later. No one needs to read if they don't want to.)

January/February: (and some background on the last five years of my life cause.....well. it's important.)

As people knew, I got way into Invader Zim last summer. I spent most of my waking life working a dead end job at a grocery store. I lived a sad lonely life, going straight home to a single dark studio apartment. With not many material possessions outside of games, my laptop and my tablet to my name. Half of my material loves, such as home furnishings and books were still in boxes from when I moved in. In case I ever had to move again, or get some "big screenshot or copywriter" job in the city.

....

I lived in that city in the same dead end job and apartment for five years.

No friends. No social life. I often refused to make doctor appointments or attempt to establish myself in that city. I didn't even talk to anyone in my workplace.

Work. Go online. Go to sleep.

I lived like that for five years.

I thought it was good.

Even my therapist thought I was doing well.

When I really wasn't. My main character flaw I struggle with is motivation.

I can talk to someone about very detailed plans I have to fix a problem... But I tend to never follow through.

Just because I can describe in detail how to fix my personal problems, it doesn't mean I will do it.

(I have gotten better at this but it's a major struggle)

I might have been a Zombie during the day...

But by night I was pouring my soul into my AU and my analysis.

After being so thoughly ignored or overlooked by the Naruto fandom and the Undertale fandom, I felt like I had finally found my home and was settling into a community there.

I just loved that people loved what I had to say.

Especially my AU.

It's no secret that a lot of themes in my au revolve around found family, grief, and loss.......

Fatherhood, in particular.

What it means to be a father, how much do you need to try when you mess up, how willing should a child forgive their parent, especially those that have wronged you and how much of it is factually accurate and simply a self projection of what children want their parents to be and visa versa... What amount of forgiveness and change is nessasary...is it needed?

....

It's no secret that a lot of my AU is a giant coping mechanism for my Dad's death. Espessially the falling out and growing closer with a lot of my family members throughout the years following his death. (Most of the time I keep it ambiguous to how it relates to my personal life unless I include a readmore that states so outright. I feel my au can be enjoyed by a variety of people in the fandom who don't need to know me as a person or my life story.)

My Dad passed away in 2016 in February and my family still feels the aftershocks to this day.

It's part of the reason I moved to the city, alienated myself from my family and people that loved me and refused to experience life for five years.

My entire world was Zim, and I was okay.

March: When America finally realized and started to feel the effects of the pandemic....

A lot of people got scared.

Me included.

I didn't have any streaming services or access to the news. So I only heard accounts from my mom.

I didn't understand why the store was so dead quiet and empty for a few days, then it went into mass chaos and panic in the span of two days.

It felt like Retail black friday in the worst way. Everyone was packed like sardines. Everyone was yelling. The lines at the registers bled into the clothing department.

I was witness to customers shoving others for toilet paper, being rude to cashier's and just overall unpleasantness.

At the time, I didn't even fully grasp what the pandemic was, and I feel a lot of people at the time didn't either.

I ended up absentmindedly scratching my eyebrow in front of a customer and she screamed and villanised me for it. That they didn't want groceries touched by my "unclean hands"

I ended up breaking down into tears.

The customer behind me gave me a hug and told me I was doing a great job.

But the damage was done. It was the final straw, I couldn't stop crying and I was breaking apart.

Thankfully my Boss (the one who likes me) pulled me aside and asked what's wrong.

It was then that I quit. No notice. Same day. I had to get out of there.

I was planning to move to an apartment with my sister in the summer, but my Mom offered for me to move back in with her temperarily just so I can get out of the city and away from the pandemic.

So I did.

I got scared, broke my lease a month early and quit my job of five years that gave me nothing back.

He told me, "take care of yourself and your family, I won't keep you here, do what you need to do."

So I did.

April-June:

A very eventful few months.

My mom offered for me to live at her place, but for some reason she was acting like I would live there forever. That this wasn't a temporary arrangement, and that I didn't have an apartment set up already.

This was in large part to my sister, who had lived with my mom taking advantage of her for years.

Even though my sister and I were going to move in together, I was just never sure about it cause of how she never packed her stuff or made any effort to find a job.

My mom often acted like I was lazy and not searching and was treating me like... Well, an unruly teenager instead of a woman of 29 years. She acted like I was a failure for returning home when it was her idea in the first place.

I would have just been petrified in the city.

Like usual, I retreated to my au again.... And in the spring, something eventful happened.

In may, 8th 2020:

I was invited by @rissynicole to join an invader zim discord.

Now, I've never really used discord before. I always thought it's interface is too confusing.. and I'm a member of a few other iz discords and I usually don't follow them that closely.

Rissy assured me it was different cause some friends of thiers made it and it was smaller.

Before I knew it, I was sharing memes and getting to know everyone there.

It wasn't long after I invited my partner in IZ crimes, @paketdimensioncomic who was genuinely wary of iz servers due to a bad experience with the last one they were a part of.

But soon they were sharing memes and laughing with everyone else.

My eyes were starting to open and I was able to connect to fans of my work in an interpersonal way. And I was able to discover new artists and aus I never knew about.

I was also able to meet so many others of the community and invite them to the server myself.

The moo-ping 10 server kept me sane while I was living with my judgmental mother.

Not only that, the summer was very productive for my au.

Drawing was all I did, and it was a huge break from the job as a cashier I had.

Not only that, June came, and with it, me and Ceph's first collab fic:

A result of us just going back and forth in our DMs constantly about Professor Membrane and how he changed in ETF for the better and how much we adamantly stan "trying-to-be-a-good-dad-brane" and how much of his ETF development has to be implied off screen in order for the emotional resolution in the movie to matter.

The only reason I never professed my love for Membrane as a character in the fandom before the fic dropped was.... Well....

Membrane can be a decisive character in the fandom and I was so worried people would hate me if I did an analysis on him, simply because he's not the best parent in the world. (As an understatement)

Ceph and I really encouraged each other to scream our love for the science himbo loud and proud more frequently and so often.... I actually start to see less Membrane hate posts and breakdowns then their used to be.... I like to think it's a combination of Me and Ceph's influence, along with ETF and the Quarterly's painting Membrane in a slightly more nuanced light then he was previously.

I never wrote a collab fic before and it's such a rewarding and fun and unique experience that I don't think I'll ever have again. And I love working with Ceph on our fics so much.

So much so we did it again...

July-August:

I never thought I would be one of those people who writes NSFW IZ fic... But here I am.

The Brainbrane au started.... An au of my au where Membrane and the Computer fall in love and Membrane makes him a body.

This ship was based around the idea where we joked that Membrane and Zim's Computer would have funny interactions if they ever met, under the pretense Membrane thinks Computer is Zim's parent.

Our headcanons morphed and shifted until we just full blown started shipping them.

Just because Membrane and Zim's Computer have overall REALLY entertaining chemistry.

It's a character dynamic never seen in the show or comics (yet) and I imagine thier interactions to be nothing but entertaining banter.

The fic was also born from spite... Making fun of the troupes and cliches that we found personally destestible in some questionable zadr fics.

So an angry ace and a demi-bisexual collab on a porn and end up blessing the fandom with

Compapa headcanons,

Computer being recognized as a more common used fanon character,

The ship of Brainbrane.

The fandom having a crisis of "oh God, not only are we xenophiles we're technophiles too!!!" Or "why you gotta give Zim's Computer an ass"

More android Computer designs

It was an eventful summer.

In the midst of all this, I moved into my new place, got a new job, and I was able to see my friend (who is def my platonic straight soul mate) who lives in Indiana.

She came to visit, showed me how to decorate and how to take care of my body better! Things were looking up! It was great.

September-November:

My job was at a boat store. If was approaching the fall and my hours were being severely cut.

I was getting into a rut of depression again.

I thought things were changing but the same routine I was trying to escape from was the same thing coming back.

But instead of letting it take hold, I decided I was going to do something about it... I was gonna visit a museum and go with my sister. Just... variety stimulation.

Well that didn't happen.

I talked about this shortly in my au itself...but..

My sister had a complete mental breakdown.

She stopped taking her meds, went off the deep end and was in the hospital a total of five times throughout November.

A lot of it was acting out and the perfect storm of environmental factors that made her scream and act out so she would keep going back to the hospital.

It was traumatizing for me.

I just can't explain what it's like. For her and for me to be in that position.

I'm not telling the full story and a lot of bullshit things happened I won't share here.

She got diagnosed with bipolar one and my mom expected me to be a caretaker for her.

I threatened to disown my family and move away out of state.

It was just too much for me to handle.

So much I was a nervous wreck.

I tried to pick up a second job... Cause my sister was in the mental ward so frequently and couldn't pay the bills.

But I was fired within a week cause I was so stressed I couldn't retain the basic information they were training me for.

It was an office job.

My dream.

It could have been.

I was fired from something I really wanted.

I was only there for three days.

I could not retain any information.

I was a mess.

My sister was a trigger, my mom wanted me to live with her. I couldn't live like this.... I had to get out.

I had to get out.

December:

Remember my Indiana friend?

Well the first week of December is my birthday.

My 30th to be exact.

While I did pick up a seasonal position at Target (not my first pick)

I took the first week of December off so I could spend time with her. Cause she agreed, I needed a break from this crap.

Surviving 30 years is cause to celebrate and if I had to celebrate with my sister I would have cried.

I know there was a risk traveling out of state during a pandemic...

But I needed out, I needed a friend..

And I kinda wanted to look at the place since I was considering moving there.

My friend's mom was sick so she avoided me and her daughter and got us a hotel room.

It was fun! I got to swim in a salt water pool, we talked about Naruto, I showed her the iz and su art books I brought, also Computer and Membrane tea.

I also got to meet her other friends and get crunk. And her bf who is super nice and funny!

I had a super fun birthday....

Until her mom told my friend that her grandparents had covid and that was what she had. And my friend got sick within that same day.... As did I.

I owe so much to her family.

I was an entire state away...about a ten hour drive from home.... She let me stay at her house. "The covid house" we called it.

Cause everyone (except the father. He avoided everyone and booked a hotel immediately cus he was an ER doctor) had covid within a day.

I called in, the test results were positive and I had to stay with her family for ten days quarantine before I could work again.

Which would have been fine....

If my tumblr didn't log me out perminately of my old account. @dana-chan325 .... Which really sucked cause I had a constant headache and was too sick to engage with tumblr or much of the fandom. I didn't want to make a new account when my head was in a bad fog and I could barely breathe or smell.

It's not like I saw much of my friend either.... We all slept at different hours and she had more symptoms then I did.

It was just netflix, danganronpa v3 and cry.

I was miserable, but at the same time.... Not?

I really feel like God himself was the one who pulled me off from tumblr, and my living situation.

Maybe a whole extra week feeling like a bobblehead was what I needed.

It gave me some much needed clarity on my relationships with my mom and sis and friend.

Running away to Indiana was not the solution here.

Once I was better within ten days and no longer had a leave of absence, I drove home.

I am glad I fully recovered (but from how I understand it, my dear friend is still ill. I'm praying for her)

I might have gone to work a bit too soon, cause I had an asthma attack after trying to unload a single cart in the span of six hours.

My boss lectured that my speed was unacceptable, and even though I explained the covid situation and breathing problems many times, she threatened that I'd be fired if I'm that slow again.

Que the next few days of work where they put me on register.

Instantly I was sent into a panic remembering the last time I was on the register and how that panic attack caused me to quit.

I even asked if I could go back to stocking, since my breathing had improved. My boss assured me that I was put on the register cause they needed help and nothing to do with my covid thing.

Then as December concluded and the new year began, my boss said that this was the last shift for me cause my position was seasonal and they were letting a lot of people go.

I then asked why I was on the schedule for Sunday, and he told me to ignore it and I'm free to reapply for full-time.

I mean.... They can act smart about it...

But putting your general merchandise stocker onto register after she had an asthma attack and missed working the first two weeks of December due to covid.....

Not a good look.

So once again, I'm jobless once more.

Will probably continue to live with my sister for awhile.

But I do not feel as if it's a bad thing....

I met so many good people this year....

My friend's family even gave me 500 usd to cover my rent since I couldn't work for a majority of December.

I've seen evil and good from humanity this year. I've seen acts of god, good friends and what my real family means to me as well as friends I consider family.

This year really made me look back at the person in the mirror and say,

"I deserve better."

And actually worked for it this time.

Oh and after Christmas I got a horrible yeast infection that burns over most of my body currently.

Very accurate doodle to the pain I'm in right now.

(seriously my body is a fungus.)

But hey, good news, I respected myself enough to go to the doctor about it!!

So that's progress.

I really hope 2021 holds good things for me.

Thank you to the mooping 10 server for always being there and keeping me sane,

Thank you tumblr for liking my au and everything.

AND A SUPER SPECIAL THANK YOU TO @evartandadam and her family for housing me and my dumb diseased ass. Everyone, she is an angel and I can't express how much she means to me. Please check out her art and buy her stuff on redbubble.

Anyways... Byebye 2020.

I look forward to what I can accomplish for myself this year.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hi! I'm a little new here... I'm afab and for most of my life I have considered myself straight, but in recent months I have been questioning my sexuality more and more. I sometimes feel this overwhelming urge to come out to my family/friends as pansexual/demisexual. Though my parents may not understand this specific label, they are overall supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, and my friends are progressive. Every time I get a perfect opportunity to tell someone (like my best friend or my sisters), I freeze up. I don't know why it feels impossible to force out, and I get scared that they just won't get it. I play out the whole awkward conversation in my head, I start to confuse myself - If I feel such aversion to coming out, maybe I just want attention or maybe I'm not actually pan/demi (an ironic label considering the timing). In high school I would sometimes question if I could be asexual or gay, but that feeling faded a bit during college. I was sexually assaulted at one point, then later had a consenting relationship with a guy. I've only dated/been with men before, so I don't really have experience to be like "this is why I think I'm pan/demi." I don't feel sexual attraction/desire outside of deep emotional relationships and I've always considered myself hetero, so I question myself on the whole thing sometimes. But I also remind myself that if someone came out to me, I wouldn't ask them for a resume of previous experience for proof. My point is, I can talk myself in circles like this inside my own head for days and weeks delaying coming out, and I continuously feel this nagging feeling that something's not right. I could really use some advice. Thank you!

"If I feel such aversion to coming out, maybe I just want attention" --- that makes zero sense. if you were only doing it for attention then you would just easily come out because you'd want the attention, wouldn't you?! so scratch that thought, it's internalised queerphobia speaking!

and that being said: nobody just pretends to be queer for attention. Not only is there the risk of negative attention that nobody seriously enjoys getting - it's also just an old stereotype (especially directed ad bi/pan people) that we just "do it for attention" or because "it's a trend". That's all bullshit. You may not be 100% certain what label(s) fit you and this may also change over time but none of what you're going through right now is "fake" or "just for attention".

You are describing a very common thing that many queer people (unfortunately) go through prior/during their coming out phase. That fear of rejection or not being understood by your friends/family is common and then there's also the whole internalised queerphobia that many of us have to unlearn. But this is a process and you do not have to be done with it before coming out. Come out whenever you feel ready but "ready" doesn't mean you have to have it all figured out. Sometimes it's the coming out itself that makes you feel more secure in who you are. Maybe just being out to a few people and trying out those labels in conversations can help you to get a feel for whether or not these are the right ones for you. There's this false narrative that when you come out you have to be able to perfectly analyse your sexuality and that you "have always known". But that's no true for many people. You can also just come out as "not straight" or "questioning" or "I don't quite know but it's something I want to explore.... maybe I'm pan? and demi? I'll let you know when I know more".

Another aspect of internalised queerphobia (internalised bi/panphobia in this case) is that you think you need to have made certain experiences in order to identify a certain way or to "know" what you are. That's not how it works though. Identity labels are about expressing what you feel about yourself and they describe whom you find yourself attracted to or in what way you experience that attraction. And you can know or at least have a very good idea about this without having to have actually been with all those genders that you feel attracted to. And you say yourself that you would never apply that same standard on someone else, so don't apply it to yourself. You can be pan and demi or whatever else you want to be and there's no proof needed for anyone else. Your wish to be pan and demi is the only proof that you need.

I have some tips for internalised biphobia here that might help you, too. If you have any more questions, let us know.

Maddie

[batsidian]

today, November 4th, is the annual #lovelikeyou event

https://snapbacksteven.tumblr.com/post/188801519802/snapbacksteven-calling-all-steven-universe

marking the day Steven universe aired on cartoon network. the has been around for 6 years(not including su future)

in this post I'd like to share what su ment(and will always mean!) to me

I'm guessing I discovered it around March 2015 ,probably a little earlier, based my first fan art posts

I think what sparked my interest was garnet's design, I remember seeing screenshots and art on tumblr and I was really drawn to her cool, futuristic, somewhat superhero-ish design

(might get a little heavy idk??)

oof idk how to explain why I love it so much ugh ,the characters,the messages,the music,the backgrounds,the designs,the story,the whole gem world and the concept of aliens based on minerals and other concepts/details...maybe because I was already interested in minerals as a kiddo and that it made me rediscover the hobby and fascination for stones

(who needs merch when you can have 300+ rocks amirite ??😎)

also su was something positive in my life in a very dark period of my life

I got depressed and dropped out of school

and along the way I got tested for a few different things, disabilities etc...

and I'm still not fully out of it yet,but definitely way better than when it all began

and although I dropped out of art school, thanks to su,making fan art and gemsonas etc it was one best things to push me forward as an artist and thanks to making art about it I got a lot of practice and progressed to most compared to the past

it was a creative outlet for me,not only fanart, but gemsonas and stories for them,cosplays, and crafts using different medias. ..wel it actually made me get into different art medias!

su has and still is helping me with self acceptance and my identity

accepting me for who I am,what I like,what I wanna do etc,not holding myself back/changing myself just bc I was afraid of what others would think

(during my years watching su I finally got to understand myself, that I was pan and identify as a demi girl, some years before that,probably early high school I just didn't know how to describe those things or how I felt )((also I have the big hots for all the quartzes hhvggdffgcgfggg///))

I relate to quite a few characters for other reasons but mostly amethyst (and other off color gems) bc we both had a hard time accepting ourselves when we got the news that "something is wrong/different " with you

also thanks to su,especially through conventions and cosplay, I made quite a few friends!or got to bond even more over ot with friends I already had when they started watching it

although I wasn't there from the beginning, it feels like su has been in my life for soooo long

and its messing with my head that actually it has already ended but...also not yet now su future is coming soon

maybe the fact that we know this is the last season is the thing that's messing with me

and although I will me a puddle of sad mush when it ends, I will stay in the fandom and keep making stuff and loving the show

I am looking forward to what future works rebecca,the crewniverse members and artists who got inspired by this groundbreaking show will make

....and the next generation of geologists lmao (including me question mark >:} )

for this post I wanted to share both old and new:digital and traditional art,cosplays,different crafts and a few of my pieces from my mineral collection!

[romantichopelessly]

Hey so I've been thinking about sexuality more recently... how did you figure out you were demi/bi? And when? I know that it takes time to figure out that sort of thing and I'm still young but I wanna KNOW >:[] anyway I've been considering demisexuality/romanticism recently and figured you might be a good person to ask :)) thank you and I love your stories so much I'm so hype for the rest of botwot!! ♥️♥️

Okay, I’m going to start this off with saying I’m no authority on anyone other than me. I just barely know my own feelings, but I can try to help you out.

I first started calling myself bisexual when I was about 15?? All of my friends at the time were figuring out their own queer identities, and I was relatively sure that I wasn’t the straight friend, but I had never had a crush on a girl to prove it, so it had to be fake, right? (Little did I know, that was me being aro-spec and not knowing it). So I tried out the bisexual label, even though I felt like a fraud, and I really loved it. So I used it for years.

I only started to think about ace and aro-spec identities last year. I spoke to my friend who is aromantic, and I thought to myself for a really long time. I’ve only ever been in one relationship, and I don’t want to get into it, but you asked for how I knew, so I’ll go over some of my feelings.

Like I said before, I had never had a crush on a girl. But I was starting to realize that I had never had a crush on anyone. Never had anyone in my class or who I knew that I actually would have said yes to if I was asked out, or that I would consider asking out. And that’s weird, right? I mean, I told myself in high school that it was because I wanted to focus on school, but that wasn’t really it. I thought for a bit as I was pondering it all if this was just anxiety. Or leftover trust issues from my relationship. But I didn’t think so, because this had been going on for years.

So, after talking to my friend, I decided to try out the Demi identity. I still, even now, sort of feel like a fraud. I think I always will, but I think this fits me the best, out of anything I’ve ever heard.

Back to you, I get your frustration. Sadly, I don’t think there’s any one way to truly know. You can see if you identify with the feelings I described and that can help! But really, like with anything, you just have to try out the identity and see if it fits you. When you imagine a romantic relationship with you, what do you see? Can you even see yourself in a romantic relationship? (Same with sexual). Would you like to be asked out by someone you just met? Why or why not? Don’t be too hard on yourself, and don’t invalidate your own feelings. It’s all a work in process.

[ronniemacswan-mills]

Hey!! So it's 2:30 AM (3:12 AM rn cause I finished writing the post 😂) in México, I'm still awake and after I saw Demi realesed the new album and official video. Everyone in my house went to sleep but I couldn't until I finished a fanficthat I started this afternoon instead of doing homework. It's in Spanish and it is called "Tintas y Sombras" a translation from Natalia Trujillo.

I couldn't cry. But it is definitely one of the best I have ever read. And I loved it.

I mean, I'm practically speechless.

It's about Emma and Regina being university students. 20 years old. Who fall in love but have troubles with their families. Emma is an amazing art student and Regina is a brilliant Psychology student.

Eventually they struggle with something very heard in their lives and obviously at the end it has some sort of happy ending after they and us suffer.

If you can read it, it's totally worth it.

But the main reason I had the need of sharing it on Tumblr and writing instead of trying to sleep. Was because of the last part. ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Because I don't want to make a lot of spoilers that image is all I will try to translate right now.

Emma and Henry are my life. And I wouldn't have them if I hadn't had the courage to face my mother and the world to be with the woman I loved.

For that, I said completely convinced: Don't be afraid. Don't be. Whatever you love, whatever you desire, scary as it sounds, don't be afraid. Keep going forward. Love. Risk. Cry. Suffer. But don't give up.

The biggest lesson I have ever learned next to Emma is that the biggest crazy thing that can exist is not to love.

Fin

Like I said before. I'm a teenage girl, I'm loves in my family but they refused the idea of me liking girls in a long term romantic relationship way.

They still hope for me to make the "right" choice. And I understand that they don't want me to hurt. Besides they met each other in church and missions. So my entire family is Catholic.

I'm afraid some day I will have to face them. I'm afraid they will get hurt or disappointed because of me. I'm afraid I might end up in hell or even worse I'm afraid I will live scared my entire life because if I marry a woman and if I love that woman with all my being I don't want to regret it. I don't want to ask for forgiveness because I don't entirely believe it could be a sin.

Because how love, with respect, could be something wrong? How loving someone same sex organs as you could be a sin?

But me wondering that doesn't take all of the guilt and scary demons I have within myself. What I think my parents don't understand is that I needed them to support me. Because from 5 years now I have beaten myself up because of me being "different"

I love SWANQUEEN because they give me hope, they make me believe that there is light at some point of the road. That not everything is lost. And those words described it perfectly.

[ Don't be afraid. Don't be. Whatever you love, whatever you desire, scary as it sounds, don't be afraid. Keep going forward. Love. Risk. Cry. Suffer. But don't give up. ] [ the biggest crazy thing that can exist is not to love. ]

And if I know it, if some part of me beloved that. Why can't my whole believe it?

Why I'm I still scared and why do I cry every time. Why do I think being straight would make everything easier? Because it would, you know?

It would make everything easier. But I can't. I didn't asked for me to like girls. It's not something I decided. At least not me, I didn't wanted to wake up feeling guilty every day that I dream of what beautiful could my future life would be with the woman of my life.

I didn't asked to be scared and not feeling welcome every time I went to church when I was 12 to 14. I didn't asked for me to pray to God every day to give me life or a sign that he is still there for me.

I didn't asked for my mom to tell me to cut the crap thoughts and the spider webs I make myself. That is just a messed up way to say confusion and to tell me that I am not mature enough.

And I didn't asked for it. Like Emma said. {That's crap, I didn't asked for it. I didn't wanted it!!}

But it is here and damn I love woman. I have missed a few, never more. But I want it to happen eventually.

So you can imagine the fucking war my mind is going through. And it is freaking exhausting.

One part is hating me and the other part screams to me to be brave.

And I want to be, I know I need to be. And the world con go to hell. I don't care about what other people may say about this. Not anymore. But my family, that's another bloddy thing.

I love them, I could never stop loving them and somehow I understand them. They are trying to do what they think is best for me. But God!! Is it so hard to just be with me?

Why do I have to be the one sucking up everything. How do am I the one taking all up. Why can't they be like Charming and MM in almost all the fics?

Why can't they be supportive?

Why do I have to be the one who understands?

But oh well. The thing was that. I want to grow up and meet someone who I know will be worth to face everything and everyone. Who I know will be worth breaking every scheme I have.

Or I hope that someday I will be brave enough to do it just for myself and find a way to not hurt my parents so much. Because the last thing I want to do is lose them.

[lululawrence]

Hi! I'm dinosaursmate's sexuality anon, I hope you don't mind me bothering you. I know things are kinda blowing up right now so please don't worry about responding asap. Could you maybe help me understand what the difference is between bisexual and pansexual? And if you have time, can you maybe explain the ace spectrum a little more in depth for me? I think I might be on the ace but idk what's really going on with me lol. Thank you for your help and I hope you're well 💕🌈💐

hello darling!  i defo don’t mind you “bothering” me hehe . this got incredibly long, so i’m putting it under the cut.

okay, so i have a hard time understanding pan because i feel like it is something that is hard to describe unless you feel it and identify as pan, and i don’t lol what i understand (and please someone kindly correct me if i’m wrong) is that when someone, like me, identifies as bisexual, you are sexually attracted to two genders.  i feel like the genders are in some way associated with the sexual attraction, like the physicality of it?  like i am a boob girl.  hard core.  all about the breasts.  i think they are beautiful and sexy and hot and damn i love them.  i also love how soft women can be.  that’s what attracts me to them.  for men, i’m about the shoulders, arms, and backs.  those just...yeah.  fabulous.  haha i like their shape!  so that’s why i identify as bi.  now, for pansexuals it is my understanding that the specific physical representation of the genders doesn’t really play as important a part as just the person being a person.  that gender doesn’t really define their sexual attraction to someone.  i’m sure there are still the physical aspects and physical preferences, but literally one of my pan friends once said, “i don’t give a fuck what gender you are.  if i find you hot, i find you hot.”  so...that’s what i got and i just shrugged and moved on.  haha  so this is a long way of saying since i don’t really fully understand it myself, if bi doesn’t feel like the right label for you but pan does, then awesome!  you identify as pan and what that means for you might be different from someone else and that’s okay.  it’s also okay if you identify one way and change your mind later.  sexuality is such a fluid thing and our understanding of ourselves is always changing, so our labels for ourselves could potentially change through the rest of our lives, should we even choose to use labels at all.

okay, ace spectrum!  this is where i know a bit more because i’ve had to do a lot more research in order to understand what it means in general as well as what it means for me specifically so i’ll do my best to help you with this part too.  

okay, so as you said it’s a spectrum and even on the spectrum there are terms that are more like umbrella terms too.  so there are people who are ace who are sex repulsed, aka they can’t even handle the thought and mention of sex without feeling uncomfortable about it.  there are those who are interested in the...how do i describe this...like the functionality of sex?  like how it works, why it’s enjoyable for people, etc but then once it’s time for them to experience it themselves they can’t handle that and therefore decide that while they don’t mind talking about it, reading about it, learning about it, and sometimes even watching it, it is just not for them to personally partake in.  for others it can manifest in that it doesn’t make them uncomfortable to partake in, but they don’t really enjoy it either.  this was me for a long time.  i didn’t really care either way.  i was just fine going 22 years without it and i would have been just fine to continue in that way, but then i got married and thought i was broken because i wasn’t enjoying sex and my husband thought he was just bad at it...but nope.  anyway, there are those who enjoy masturbation but don’t enjoy sex with others.  what it comes down to and how i try to explain it to others is we understand about sex, but don’t necessarily feel the attraction to sex.

and then we get to the gray ace part of things.  lol  the gray ace identity that i think people are most familiar with is demisexuality and i think more people actually identify as demi than people realize.  demisexuality is where you can and do feel sexual attraction to people, but only once a strong emotional bond has been formed.  it’s like a door has been unlocked, but again, this still depends on a number of other factors.  it’s not like people feel sexual attraction to everyone they are emotionally close to.  

now, when i was looking into asexuality, i was like yeah that’s me for sure at least in some way, but like...i do sometimes enjoy sex.  i do sometimes crave it and feel sexual attraction...but only sometimes.  what about that?  it doesn’t seem to have to do with emotional bond cause...yeah.  so what gives?  well i found that while you can just say gray ace because it’s that weird middle ground between total asexuality and allosexuality (aka anyone who doesn’t identify as ace) and be good with it, i wasn’t quite.  i wanted to know more, and that is when i learned about ace flux and ace spike.  so ace spike is where you kinda fall on the ace plane most of the time.  you don’t really feel sexual attraction, but sometimes you do, and when you do it is fast, it is strong, and it often leaves just as quickly, just like a spike in a heart monitor, yeah?  

ace flux, on the other hand, is kind of like a wavelength.  while i think most people’s sexual attraction and desire is like a wavelength that is constantly moving up and down, the kinda base zero is different for those who are ace flux.  this is how i identify, because sometimes i’ll go a couple weeks where i desire sex, though my desire is still far lower than my husband’s on a usual day lol.  sometimes it’ll be as short as a couple hours and sometimes longer to a few weeks at a time, but most of the time i hover around indifference.  sure, we could have sex if you really want to, but i’m more than fine without it.  there are also times, though, where i’m almost to the level of being sex repulsed.  i don’t wanna talk about it, don’t wanna read it, i hardly even want to cuddle.  because that’s another thing that’s fun about the ace spectrum, is some are good with physically intimate actions like hand holding, kissing, snuggling, basically everything but sex, while others can’t really handle any of that.  and when i’m on my “low” as i call it, i can barely handle hand holding.  times like that i wonder, am i really ace flux?  i feel absolutely zero sexual desire or attraction, like, how could i say i’m bi at all?  i’m obviously full on ace.  and then when i’m on my “high”s i wonder the other way.  am i ace at all?  or am i just bi?  what’s going on with that?  so basically it’s a fun mixture of always questioning myself.

so....this is a really long answer that basically comes down to, it’s different for everyone, but there are so many variations and labels even within the ace spectrum that if you want a more exact label, there probably is one for you.  it can just take a lot of research to find.  so i hope this helps!  please feel free to come back with more questions.  i’m more than willing to go into more detail about any of this the best that i can, but please know this is just my view of things and what i’ve found through research/experience so others could very possibly disagree.  hehe . big hugs and good luck figuring out how you feel about things!

[acephobia-is-real]

I need to ask for some advice. Uhm, I've been ace since I was around 16, and that's never changed. However, recently, I've noticed that I can't seem to come to terms with my romantic identity. I think I'm aro because I don't have that desire to have romantic relationships, even though I've been in a few. And I just don't care about going on dates or anything related to romantic stuff. When I love someone other than family or friends, it's usually (part 1/2)

Similar to how I feel towards my super close friends. I'm in a relationship now, but I just don't feel the way about them that they do about me. I love them so much and would hate to lose them, but I feel like it's more because it is a strong relationship. And I hate the idea of being aromantic. Not that I hate the identity, but being ace aro scares me so much. Help? (Part 2/2)

____

Hey there. So I’m aromantic, and had a bit of the same kind of feelings about it that you’re describing. 

The shorter answer is that it can just take time. I don’t know how long you’ve been wrestling with it, but I wrestled with mine for a long time.j 

The longer answer is to start trying to deal with the fear as rationally as you can. Not necessarily so far as to say your fear isn’t valid (because it is), but rather to make the issue concrete so you can grapple with it a little better. Things that I asked myself to help with rationalizing it were things like “What is it about being aro that I’m scared of?” - “Am I afraid that I’ll be missing out on part of life because I don’t feel romantic attraction?” - “Am I afraid of being alone for the rest of my life?” and so on. Once you have answers to those you can deal with them one at a time. 

For me, I ended up coming to terms with that in a few ways. First, we all miss out on certain aspects of life that other people might experience. I may not experience romance, but I’ve also never traveled very far. I’ve never had a pet. There’s a lot of things I’ve never done and probably never will do. But that doesn’t mean I should grieve over not having those things in my life. Why would romance be any different? There’s other kinds of love - so it’s not like my life is devoid of love. 

And I won’t really ever be alone for the rest of my life. I spend my energy on my friends. I’ve only got a handful of Capital-F Friends, but we hang out and send each other silly memes and talk about things that are important to us. And being single doesn’t mean being alone. There’s tons of great things you can do if you’re single. 

So the best advice I have is to take things slow and start trying to divide up what makes you anxious or afraid of being aromantic. Split that fear up into smaller pieces that you can focus on more easily. And you never know. Maybe you’ll like being aro. Maybe you’ll be more demi-romantic. But whatever you end up feeling, it’s 100% valid. And amazing. 

[volchonika]

Hello i just read your response to the representation question related to women of xal. I've been questioning whether I'm bi or pan for a while and the difference between them. I'm still confused.

I totally understand!  It’s hard to categorize sometimes--which is why we need more, and better representation.  It’s also okay to question.  I do, regularly, especially given where I fall on the ace/demi spectrum, because there are so few resources for those of us who aren’t both cis and simply hetero or homosexual. (I’m definitely panromantic.  Right now, pansexual is the simplest way I know how to describe myself.)

For me, the difference between bi- and pansexuality comes down to how you experience attraction to people of different genders.  I don’t really subscribe to the idea that someone who is bisexual only has the capacity to be attracted to people squarely on the gender binary, but I do think that bisexuality implies that you experience attraction to people of different genders differently: your attraction to a girl might feel a little different than your attraction to a boy, or your attraction to a nonbinary person, or whomever you’re attracted to.  For me, pansexuality describes that my attraction to people has no attachment to their gender identity.

I hope that helps!  We’re all just doing the best we can.