#and tmi i guess but it reminded me a lot of when i started crying having or after having sex

[freakoutgirl]

sometimes you will want to cry in mundane or unideal situations and that's okay. sometimes you will want to cry even if you don't have a "reason" and that's also okay

[kitchenangst]

Love in space? It’s more likely than you think.

Summary: (Bakugou Katsuki x gender neutral!reader) Fuck space, that shit ain’t easy. Also, listen to the Among Us menu music. 

Warnings: swearing, mutual pining?, dialogue heavy, characters’ deaths (including yours), mild gore, maybe ooc Bakusquad and deku team, last names only, Among Us terms used ((listen, i only played on skeld LOL) and very bad writing in 2nd POV -- lmk if I need more any specific warnings!

Word Count: 4401

Prompts: “I don’t mind if it’s you” + Among Us!BNHA (no quirks)

a/n: hi!! it’s my first time writing for BNHA, second POV, head cannons, angst AND gore,,, No like, I kid you not when I say there’s mild gore . Anyway, this is for @fromthewatertribe ’s 1k event!!!! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I wrote it!! happy reading :))  

Hey just because you’re on the botanical team does not mean you get to skip out on team workouts with the rest of the crew!! For a plant nerd, you sure love making everything in the gym a competition and Kirishima, Mina, Iida, Uraraka, and Deku very much live for it 

(Bakugou says it’s stupid, but joins anyway. He says it’s because he likes to watch everyone’s despair when he wins first place again. 

Kaminari surprisingly gets top 3, while Todoroki, Sero, and Tsuyu join just to humor you and maybe add more fire to the competition; they absolutely don’t care about winning but they love making the others struggle) 

Anyway, you guys have been preparing for Mission Polus for a LONG time now, and the playful tension between the crews on Ships UA, ShKs (Shiketsu), and LoV (League of Villains) was only making you guys more fired up than usual in your workouts and preparation

UA, being the biggest team, was going to launch last--only because Kaminari confidently lost in rock, paper, scissors,,, but no biggie! That just meant when ShKs and LOV land, everything should be prepped for you guys when you arrive!

Except, you find out things don’t come out as planned when UA arrives at the second checkpoint 

“I just got word that Ships ShKs and LoV’s crew is cut in half,” you start off grimly

“Hold on--like, the lower or upper half of their body?” 

You decided against your better judgement about throwing the closest thing at Sero until Kaminari added in, “Left half? Or right half?”

Y’know what? Maybe you’ll just throw him out of the ship. 

Apparently, it was initially thought to be some space flu

“If it’s that bad, then… Why are they still continuing the mission? Shouldn’t they handle it back at base?”

It’s probably the smartest question you’ve ever heard from Kaminari. “If it is some contagious space virus, they don’t want it to spread on Earth.”

“Whatever it is, it must be evolving fast. LoV is halfway to the 5th checkpoint, and ShKs is a quarter way to the 4th checkpoint. If they both received it around checkpoint 3 and they’re down to half their people… I just hope they’re quarantining.”

“Good thing you mention that, Deku. LoV and ShKs are changing course to go straight to Polus, and they’re going through the safety measures and cleaning procedures. Meanwhile, we’ll be skipping the 3rd and 4th checkpoints; we’ll pick up all the supplies and materials at the 5th checkpoint. 

“If the other ships’ flu or whatever started around the 3rd checkpoint, we don’t want to be infected. We’re probably setting everything up ourselves when we get to Polus.” 

Everyone is staring at you as they process this new information and you’d be surprised that Bakugou hasn’t said a word all meeting if it weren’t for the grave news this brought. 

“Which means we’ll have to ration our food supply…” Uraraka is the first to break the silence, and you pass a guilty look as you see the realization fall on the rest

The meeting wouldn’t have ended well if it weren’t for Midoriya reassuring everyone that the growing fruit should last them (assuming it was being rationed as well).

By heading straight to the 5th checkpoint, you’d be saving a lot more time as well

Theoretically, things should have gone smooth sailing if Ship UA was changing course. And it would have if all the information was correct. 

Uraraka found you frozen still near the corner of a bedroom when you didn’t return to the meeting. Having never seen you so shaken up before, all she could do was check whatever you were pointing at. 

You watched with bated breath, hoping Uraraka wouldn’t have the same reaction as you, that this was all a bad dream, that this was a prank; because whatever it was, it wasn’t fucking funny considering that deaths on a ship were now a thing.

A month hasn’t even passed since the terrible news. Ship UA was nowhere near the third checkpoint; there’s no way anyone could have been infected

it was all you could repeatedly think to not spiral 

You didn’t even notice when everyone else had arrive in the bedroom, only focusing on the screams and whispers and curses that continued to echo throughout the room and ring in your ear as everything suddenly turned dark; your hands instinctively grabbing onto whatever was around you

“Hey, it’s okay,” you heard, the familiar scent of pine not quite registering yet. “it’s alright, they’re taking care of it.”

You moved your head back to look at Bakugou, his face masking his fear well if it weren’t for the slight trembling in his hands holding you up. “‘It’?”

“The body. Mina’s body.” He took your hands still clutching onto the front of his suit, his gloved ones briefly squeezing yours to ground you. “C’mon, we’re discussing it in the meeting room.” 

God, you felt your body run cold at the thought of Mina’s corpse being called it, but figured maybe you were looking a little too into details at the moment

You focused on your breathing as he dragged you to the meeting room, where no one knew what had gone wrong. 

The only absurd detail was the hole that covered her palms, which left the rest of her body a sick, wrinkly grey. 

Deku was worried if this was what the space flu was about and Iida suggested a 2 week quarantine where one person goes on deck at a scheduled time, while Uraraka was rubbing circles on your back despite being quite shaken herself. 

“The only person who holds her hand is Kirishima” 

“Whoa, whoa whoa--what does that have to do with-”

“Everything!” and now suddenly Kaminari thinks he’s a detective.

A space flu so dangerous that it could kill you overnight was less threatening compared to what kaminari was suggesting

“Not only that, you’re the only one who goes into her room at night!”

“TMI, but… that’s unusual, isn’t it? Kaminari makes a good point.” and it’s another thing to have Sero agreeing 

“Are you suggesting we lock Kirishima in his room until he confesses his crime?” (What kind of fucking suggestion is that todoroki)

“No, I’m saying we just throw him off ship.” 

Okay, now that fucking took you out of your shock...into a different shock… and it seems everyone had the same reaction at how serious Kaminari was. 

“What the fuck are you suggesting, dunce face? We just lost a crewmate, and now you wanna toss someone out?” 

“I’m being smart for once! What if Kirishima did that to Mina instead of some space slug?”

“First off, what about me suggests that I can even do something like that? To my girlfriend, no less! Do I have to repeat that there was a hole in her hand?” 

Everyone waited for Kaminari’s response, to which he sighed and admitted that he was just thinking irrationally from this panic. 

Iida and Bakugou agreed to install cameras in the hallway with a security room while everyone returned to fulfilling their duties

The mood on the ship went downhill from there with Mina’s passing on everyone’s mind. Especially yours and Kirishima’s. 

Kirishima admitted that while he was hurt at Kaminari’s absurd suggestion, he still couldn’t hold it against him for panicking at the first death on the ship. Didn’t mean he had to talk to him though. 

On the other hand, Bakugou often visited you in the plant room, the plant lab, just… you. Anywhere he could find you. 

He told himself that he was just checking up on you, seeing if you were doing fine since Mina was one of the closest members to you 

Maybe if he had known her death would cause such hurting to you, maybe he would have… no, he shakes his head and reminds himself it’s pointless to cry over spilled milk

You didn’t need to look to know he had brought you lunch; judging from the smell, he picked your favorite too 

“You know we’re not supposed to eat in the plant room, right?”

“You know you’re not supposed to be skipping your stupid meal, right?”

“You know we’re supposed to be rationing our food, right?”

“Whatever, guess you don’t want my portion.” 

Banter like this is what always made you break the rules to eat in peace with Bakugou the last few weeks, like how he pretended to seethe at your obnoxious munching

just the simple act of giving his portion to you was touching enough, and it made you relieved how he never touched on the topic of Mina’s death; only listening whenever you brought it up 

You did, however, become concerned when he started giving you his full portion of lunch. 

“No, I’m not hungry,” he’d say after you left him half his lunch, which, normally, you wouldn’t do! you always ate more than half! 

He didn’t have an appetite, he’d insist. And he seemed uncomfortable talking about it, so you dropped the subject. 

It didn’t stop you from guiltily eating his portions, though. 

Motivation and optimism only went up when Uraraka and Tsuyu came out with decorations and stickers on their suits one day

(Sero had taped the tape roll to his head; Deku and Todoroki both carried a fake flower pot in their chest pocket; 

Iida said his pen was decorative enough but put a car sticker on the side of his arm; Kirishima wore Mina’s bracelet on his ankle; and Kaminari took up bringing a toilet plunger with him everywhere.)

You brought up the cute headband with bear ears for Bakugou, and he gave you a paper crown he “spent 5 seconds making” 

(it was just slightly bigger than your head, but it was in your favorite color)

Everything was fine, everyone was better, nothing bad has happened the past 2 months, and everything was going back to normal!

Until Tsuyu found blood in the drainage 

(no one was on their period at the time either!!)

Bakugou stayed back with you in your restroom while everyone else prepped Sero’s body for discarding 

He heard the heaving from his door, similar to the ones he had after his first meal. He recalls the stench of his being so awful, he could almost taste it bubbling at the back of his throat 

So why did yours smell so sweet? 

He continued rubbing and patting your back, the same way you had done for him awhile back. He kept telling himself it was because he didn’t want you to choke, but he knew it was to distract him from the smell

you slept in his arms the following few months when everyone agreed Sero’s death was done in cold blood, and no one knew who it was 

The irony, he learned to love, was how you were the one who suggested the curfew, the placement of the cameras to be in the bedroom hallway and other places, and the idea that no one should go to each other’s rooms 

yet you still wanted to be in his with him late into the night, to “take your mind off things” as you said, and you two would talk until the other fell asleep first 

he loved that you broke your own rule to be with him 

and he found it oddly comforting to feel the pressure of your head on his chest 

and it was fascinating to him... that he could practically taste your fear when you had a nightmare, how you sought comfort in his arms first before anything else

he was probably enjoying it way more than he should when you trusted him this much to comfort you at night, to hold you, to not break you in more ways than one

his favorite part was having a routine with you

joining you in the lab at x o’clock to watch you take care of the plants, to make observations of you as you made yours on plants, hearing you talk about the progress of growing plants in space, kissing you-

wait, kissing you? that was new. 

The forehead kisses when he left you to do his duties and before either of you fell asleep

the cheek kisses when he brought you lunch (you’re convinced that’s the payment for bringing you food)

the cute little peck you do on the corner of his mouth to stop him messing up the files in the lab 

They were so tiny and often he hadn’t even noticed when they integrated themselves into this routine 

it’s also why he wasn’t surprised when he leaned in to kiss you to stop your rambling 

“there. as long as that’s there,” he gestured vaguely at whatever that was, “you aren’t going to die. not on my watch.” 

“So that’s a thing now?” you raised an eyebrow in amusement 

“What.”

“That.” 

Oh don’t do that, don’t do that fucking grin of yours when you’re mocking his dismissive attitude 

“Y’know. Seal of protection.” 

He is not going to give in-

“You’ll do that when-”

God, who he is to resist when you’re practically asking him to shut you up 

It’s been another few months since Sero’s death, and he had been cautious in taking advantage? of your emotional state? in taking a step further? --either way, he didn’t know what held him back in the first place and he wasn’t sure how to put it in words

He also didn’t know how to explain it to you that he couldn’t kiss you more than the simple peck anymore

not when he felt the sudden surge to take more of you and definitely not when his jaw was starting to hurt 

And he didn’t know why he felt so relieved to have you be so understanding 

Of course, everyone was still on their toes about a possible murderer on ship, but no one expected a sudden electrical outage 

The nice thing about the lab was that it had a backup generator for lights, but it didn’t cover for the use of equipment 

This wouldn’t normally be a problem, not when you still have months to go before reaching the 5th checkpoint, but you weren’t going to be a sitting duck waiting to look a plant cell

With a sigh, you began to make your way to electrical, hand sliding against the walls to make sure you wouldn’t trip over anyth-

honestly what the fuck, you swear you’re going to get Kaminari for leaving a puddle of water around with that plunger of his. 

whatever, it’ll dry eventually. still a hazard though. 

and honestly what the fuck, it’s been ten minutes and no one still hasn’t gotten the lights. the bystander effect is starting to make the crew lazy. 

But no surprises here, only two people had gathered there, and stupidly, no one bothered to use a light to adjust the right switches. 

When the lights got back on, Kirishima jumped at the sight of you. 

“Relax, I just came here to fix the li-”

“No, not-”

“Why do you have blood on you?” 

You turned to Deku, and fuck you haven’t seen him this scared since Mina and Sero’s passing 

You’re about to ask what he means when you feel it

the crunch your gloves give, the stiffness of your suit, and you should’ve known the stickiness from your boots wasn’t from water 

“What the-” it nearly sends you in a panic, to see your suit covered nearly everywhere-

“Whoa, hey, hey, stop!” Kirishima and Deku have to physically restrain you from trying to take your suit off with the way you’re digging at it 

And it’s not too long before Kaminari and Bakugou come rushing in, panting from their sprint 

There’s another four dead bodies. 

And oh, oh, oh shit it looks so bad-

“It wasn’t Y/N.” 

“And how are you so sure?”

“Just ask engine over here. We were watching security together, and there was still light coming from the lab. I only left when Y/N left, and there’s no way 4 fucking bodies could have been killed during that time.”

“Bakugou is, indeed, correct. The infrared cameras seem to have been shut down for some time now, so it’s hard to make out who was in the locations.” 

Right, right. This was no fucking flu--you all confirmed that with Sero’s body. 

It didn’t stop you from feeling sick to your stomach, though: seeing the scratches and marks on your 2 crew mates to the point of no recognition 

even worse when you saw the same sickly grey skin on the other two with holes in their palms as well

Mina’s had happened over night... there was no way a slug or flu killed them within 10 minutes

Kaminari points out Deku’s locations before the lights went out

Iida vouches for Bakugou and you (Bakugou vouches for him, too, of course)

and Deku, Iida, and Bakugou vouch for you

....why couldn’t anyone vouch for Kaminari, Deku, or Kirishima? 

Did it make sense for Deku to immediately leave the lab to fix lights?

Did it make sense for Kirishima to avenge Mina’s death? 

You’re not even sure where to begin thinking of Kaminari-- like with his sudden claim of throwing Kirishima off the ship earlier on

Iida, with the grace of angels and levelheadedness of lions, suggested the best plan to find the killer. 

A group of three, a pairing, and lone wolf 

Of course everyone agreed. 

it was no brainer that you and bakugou would stick together--you two were practically stuck at the hips 

Kaminari was grouped with Deku and Kirishima while Iida volunteered to work on his own. 

Everyone was tense: keeping distances away from each other, keeping tabs on the other... 

whether there was one or two killers, it had to be within the group of 3, and you were bound to catch him at some point. 

And while they stressed on who the murderer was, you and Bakugou... well, you felt a bit bad for enjoying the alone time you two got 

“Hmm,” you drawled out one night. 

Oh yeah, don’t think Bakugou didn’t know where this was going

But, oh, don’t think he’ll play along. 

You pushed the pen and notepad away from his face when he ignored you and flopped onto his chest. 

it was nearing curfew, and you still hadn’t gone back to sleep in your own room after all these months 

(only Kaminari had the balls to call you out for leaving his bedroom early to sneak into yours, and honestly that’s good enough reason for you to suspect him)

“Hmmm...” 

okay how dare Bakugou go back to writing on a tiny notepad the size of his ego 

Even after you cover his eyes, he still continues to write on the notepad 

“C’mon, you know I hate it when I have to ask” 

Big mistake, you should’ve uncovered his eyes and attacked him with your own deathly cute look 

He pauses his writing to jab the pen into the back of your head. 

“Weren’t you the one who said consent was everything?” 

“I also said it was very sexy of you to not swear.” 

“What the fuck am I swearing on?”

He finally drops the pen and notebook to hold onto your back

He loved feeling your breathy laugh sweep over his skin, to feel your body come to life at something he said

and like all those months ago, he removes your loose hands from his eyes 

(”They’re sweaty whenever you leave them there too long,” he once complained, yet he’s always the one holding onto you longer)

and this time you’re able to look into his eyes with clarity, to see all the smiles in the crinkles at the corner of his eyes, to see a spark light up in the reflection of you 

and maybe bad experiences in space brought you closer than the misfortunes on earth did

“Kiss?” 

Who is he to deny you one when you look at him so expectantly and full of love at the moment 

“That’s the bye I’ll see you in two minutes kiss!” you cried when he kissed your forehead. “Neither of us are leaving anytime soon!”

“That’s the I got you lunch kiss...” from the cheek. You giggled stupidly when he kissed your nose. The stop being cute kiss. 

“You’re alllllmost there” 

“Almost where? You just asked for one kiss, and I gave you three.” 

Seriously, he made it so easy, so easy to get mad at him and then you made it so very easy for him to tell you, you weren’t being specific 

“Where’s the wittle shweal of pwotection?” 

and it isn’t the first time you see him roll his eyes this hard 

and yeah, that’s right, you’re going to make him do all the work now as you keep your face in place, your eyes closing in trust 

the only way you knew he was leaning in was when you felt his lips brush yours with the most featherlight touch, making you smile instantly

“you don’t need it when I’m constantly with you though.” 

and the bastard has the audacity to tease you like this!!! are you the only one pulling the weight in this dumb relationship? because you put all that shit into the kiss, including your feelings, frustration, worries, and you both press deeper when Bakugou reciprocates with the same enthusiasm

obviously you punch him when you see him with that dumb smirk after pulling back 

“That’s what you get.” He shrugged. “You’re not going to die on my watch. Stop fucking worrying.” 

You don’t laugh like you usually do, at how he throws in a swear when his voice becomes rough and soft and gentle at the same time

it’s how he knows you’re worried with the unchanging look on your face and yet your eyes continue to search for the answer in his 

“What about you?”

“I’m not going to die.” when you don’t press further, he says, “We’re not going to die.”

“How’re you so sure?”

“Was the shweal of pwotection not enough?” He’s relieved when a grin breaks on your face. 

“You’re right. We didn’t get this far without it, after all.”

It was so silly how a kiss started with a hopeful promise, had made you believe in Bakugou’s words 

But it wasn’t enough

Kirishima had intercepted you two on the way to fix the communications room, panicking and barely able to get his words out

all you made out was “reactor” and “suit”; and the way he said Deku’s name made you latch onto Bakugou’s hand to run in that direction

You gripped his hand to the point of bruising, not even noticing you’d been digging your gloved fingers into your own palm

Honestly, you had no idea what was wrong, but the fact that Kirishima needed to leave the Kaminari with Deku to find someone, anyone, was already concerning

“What’s wrong with-” nothing prepared you for what you saw. 

Kaminari looked up from his spot, surprise defensively taking over his face. “I know it looks bad-”

“Kaminari-” you gasped, taking a step back as he neared you like one would to an animal

“-because it is! Please, Midoriya just looked so vulnerable! How could you resist that?”

God how can he say that as if he was talking about a puppy

He laughed when you backed into a wall; laughed because the way your eyes expressed so much disgust at his admittance would be much more delightful at the big reveal; laughed because he wasn’t even close enough to harm you and yet you still looked so frightened of him

Laughed even more when you cringed upon seeing his gnarly set of teeth

Kaminari started licking the blood off his teeth and lips once he calmed down, and when he stared at you with the most predatory eyes, you nearly mistook the pounding rush of footsteps as the blood in your ears 

“Bakugou!” Kaminari didn’t need to take his eyes off you to know it was him. “Did you tell Kirishima the news?”

You’re a little too relieved at having Bakugou here to comprehend Kaminari’s words. 

“Back off, dunce face.” 

"Where’s Kirishima?” you ask when you notice his absence

“He ran off. Or tried to.”

everything is too still for your liking 

“Then the-the blood on your suit?” 

“His body exploded.” 

And fear washes over your body as you try to comprehend that Kirishima exploded? 

Everything starts to blue as you try to piece everything. 

No, no, no-

“That’s a terrible lie, even coming from you, Bakugou. Off your game?”

-it can’t be-

“It would’ve been cleaner if I weren’t in a rush to cover your ass.”

-you don’t have time-

“Feeling betrayed yet, Y/N? That your boyfriend-”

-there’s nowhere to run-

“Don’t fucking do it, dunce face.”

-what about Iida-

“I promise you, it won’t hurt one bit.”

And honestly, you’re wondering if the other ships had made it past this point.

Iida had heard Kirishima’s distressed panic before making it to the communications room, understanding he would go on his own to fix it 

The Bystander Effect, as you once called it, made him believe you and Bakugou would handle Kirishima’s situation. He wouldn’t be of any help if the radio signal wasn’t up on time to solve this emergency!

He recalled Kirishima mentioned the reactor, and hastily made his way there once he finished fixing 

Some noble class person would call the splatter of deep red across the floors and wall “art”, with how the bits of black and gray nearly bring it to life. 

How ironic that it had cost a life. 

He had to force himself to look away from the mess in the lower engine when he heard Bakugou’s almost feral growl. 

“I don’t mind if it’s you.”

 By the time he arrived, Iida found the reactor in the same mess as the lower engine. 

He couldn’t help but think what an art critic would have to say about this, were it to be a painting. 

Green liquid streaked the room with a pattern similar to the red

The same green dripping from Bakugou’s hands as he cradled what was left of your head

the same green that oozed out of Kaminari’s grayed body that was in equal parts unrecognizable 

He wonders what the art critics would say about the four bodies surrounding the only one alive 

a/n: wow u made it to the end huh,,,,,,,,thank you so much for reading!! I hope the music really set up the mood I was going for. Also, I didn’t want to spoil anything, but I read somewhere that it can be very triggering to write about the reader’s death esp if it was in 2nd pov!! Ik i said it’d be gory but I figured I could skim over it! anyway i love u nina this one was dedicated to all our among us plays 

I dont think i conveyed it very well but bakugou was basically gonna eat u for dinner. But kaminari got to u first and bakugou figured u had to taste as good even tho kaminari already digested u, right?

[prettyboy-parker]

starker abo: homecoming

warnings: emotional and physical abuse (nothing explicit!), smut at the end, implied thorki, mentioned sambucky

words: 3.7k

“Jesus, he’s such a fuckin’ crybaby. I feel bad for Quentin.”

Everyone turns to look at the table across the cafeteria. Peter Parker, the world’s snootiest omega, is perched on top of the navy lunch table and bawling his eyes out. Loki, a lithe snarky omega, is patting under Peter’s eyes with tissues. His usual posse huddles around him, cooing at and petting him.

“I don’t. His performance in bed probably outweighs his attitude, if you catch my drift.” Sam snickers and Bucky punches him in the arm. The alpha lets out a whine and rubs at his shoulder. “Hey! What was that for?” He snaps at his boyfriend. Bucky just narrows his eyes. Tony finds himself looking at Peter again. He seems to have calmed down a little. His friends usher him out of the cafeteria, no doubt to help him fix his makeup. Tony could gag at how fucking prissy the omega is.

“You okay, Tony? You look a little pale.” Steve says, and Tony can’t believe he’s actually concerned.

“Jeez, Steve, I’m fine. Your motherly instincts take over?”

The table howls with laughter.

“Good one, Stark!” Thor booms and Steve rolls his eyes. Tony sends a wink at Steve, a group of girls heading towards their table emerging in the corner of his eye.

“Steven,” Peggy, the beta exchange student from England, pipes up. A few of her friends giggle behind her. “Would you come with me? I have to talk to you.”

Steve nods wordlessly, trailing behind her like a lost puppy.

“He’s smitten, I tell ya’.” Bucky slurs, tossing a crumpled napkin at Sam.

“Idiot. I’ve got to piss, see you in Calc.”

Sam groans and Rhodey shouts “TMI!” Tony passes a table of girls on his way out, and they all call his name. He shoots them a wink, opening the double doors to the hallway. It’s actually quiet in the hallway, aside from his combat boots thunking on the linoleum floors. He fishes through his leather jacket’s pocket, looking for his cigs, when-

“Watch where you’re fucking going!”

Tony stumbles back as he knocks into, well, none other than Peter Parker. He looks like he’s going to cry again as Loki lifts him off of the floor. The tan-skinned beta flips him a bird as they walk away.

Great.

✨👑✨

He can’t believe Quent would ever say that to him. For one, he’s not a slut. He’d never cheat on Quentin, he knows that, so why did he say it? Two, Quentin’s lucky no one was around to see Peter’s tears.

What he can’t get over is how Quentin touched him like that.

He’s heard of alphas hitting their omegas, but it’s always been an old wive’s tale, or whatever. He guesses that Quentin’s just stressed. He didn’t do so hot on his Pre-Calc test, so maybe he has some pent up anger.

Peter needs to send him some flowers.

By the time he gets back to his apartment, he’s already tried calling Quentin three times to apologize, but the alpha never picked up. He drops his Vera Bradley book bag on the floor with a heavy sigh.

“Hey, Peter! How was school?” Uncle Ben asks from where he’s seated at the kitchen island.

Peter breaks down into tears.

Uncle Ben takes him in his arms, holding him close. That’s the thing about his uncle, whenever he’s upset he just lets Peter cry it out, never asking for an explanation. Peter appreciates when his aunt gives him advice, he really does, but sometimes it’s nicer just to be held.

“I’ve got Halotop ice cream that’s calling your name.”

Peter giggles softly as Uncle Ben ruffles his hair.

Soon enough he’s cuddled under his silk sheets, a carton of peanut butter cup ice cream in his hands. In the midst of watching Cady and Janis mix together foot cream, his phone rings.  “Quentin 💕💕” lights up on the screen over a very flattering picture of his boyfriend.

“Hi,” Peter answers quietly.

“Hi honey, I just-um-wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean any of it.”

“It’s okay Quent, I was a bitch too. I’m sorry.” Peter responds quietly, stabbing his ice cream with his spoon.

“You kind of were. I’ll catch you tomorrow, okay?”

“Bye, love you.”

“Bye.”

Peter hangs up the phone, feeling emptier than before.

✨👑✨

“Anthony, you are not wearing that.”

Tony smirks and adjusts the collar of his leather jacket.

“Don’t worry, dad. I know Peter. It’s all good.” He replies, running a hand through his hand. Howard clenches his jaw.

“Come on, boys. We don’t want to be late.” His mother calls, ushering the two to the car. Howard still looks pissed as he climbs into the driver's seat, Tony scrolling through Instagram as they drive to the Parker’s. A picture of Peter appears, the omega posing on the hood of a cherry red ‘65 Thunderbird. His long, milky legs are displayed by his tiny red running shorts. A sliver of his toned stomach is exposed by his cream Coca Cola crop top. His almond hair looks like it’s blowing in the wind. Red heart-shaped glasses frame his face perfectly. The caption reads “Taste the Feeling! ♥️♥️”.

A small part of Tony wants to taste him.

He ignores that part.

“Now you behave, Anthony. This deal is important, we’re paying Benjamin a lot of money for his program.” Howard reminds him.

“Yeah yeah,” Tony replies, rolling his eyes and itching for a smoke. They pull up to one of the apartment complexes in the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Tony begrudgingly follows his parents, the elevator operator nervously pressing the buttons.  The elevator brings them directly to Peter’s penthouse because of course, the Parkers have a penthouse.

“Oh, hello!” A voice exclaims from the kitchen. He stands awkwardly until Mrs. Parker emerges from the other room. “Welcome, all of you!” She exclaims, giving his mom a hug.

“Oh, Anthony, I remember when you were just a baby. Your mother came to me for a dress for a gala, and she brought you along. You’ve grown into such a handsome alpha.”

Tony flushes, embarrassed. His mom laughs loudly and pinches his cheeks.

“Peter should be down soon, he always takes forever to get ready.” Mrs. Parker complains, pushing her glasses farther up her nose. “Benjamin is picking some whiskey from the cellar. Why don’t you come sit down?”

Mrs. Parker leads them to the living room, where the couches are covered with blankets and the fireplace roars. Tony sinks into the knitted blanket, sighing heavily.

“Oh, goodness, I’m sorry I’m late!”

Peter Parker is at the top of the steps, in a tight, glittery maroon dress, looking like an absolute vision.

“Come down, Pete.” His aunt calls with a smile. The omega’s heels click on the hardwood staircase as he comes downstairs. He’s prettier up close, a silver glittery barrette holding his curls out of his face. Gold glitter is swept over his cheeks and eyelids.

“Anthony,” He says, scrunching up his button nose. Tony winks at him. The only empty seat is next to the alpha, so Peter daintily sits down on the couch. He smells divine, like expensive floral perfume mixed with the sweet scent of omega.

“You can call me Tony, you know.” The alpha purrs under the voices of his parents and Mrs. Parker. Peter rolls his eyes.

“Dully noted.” He snaps back, but Tony just laughs.

Dinner goes on slowly and Tony keeps his mouth shut. Peter’s definitely checking him out (or maybe that’s just Tony’s ego.) During the meal of lamb and beef, Tony notices a bruise blooming under the hem of his dress.

The omega gives him a glare and adjusts his collar.

✨👑✨

“Did you hear? We’re being assigned partners this time.”

“Ugh, gag,” Peter grumbles, tapping his pink pen on his pink notebook.

“I know,” Loki responds, eyes glancing to the back of the room. “I hope I get paired up with Thor, though.”

Peter smiles and picks at his cuticle.

“He better ask you to homecoming. I’m blackmailing him if he doesn’t by Friday.” He says nonchalantly, eyeing the burly blonde in the back of the room. He’s laughing about something with Anthony.

“Peter. I’ll beat you to it, you know that.” Loki jokes. Peter nudges him in the shoulder of his dark green sweater. The class quiets down when Ms. Hill steps into the room.

“Good afternoon, everyone. As you may have heard from the other classes, we’re starting our quarter project.” She announces. “I’ll be assigning you into partners, and you’ll be researching the impact and achievements of a Chinese dynasty.”  

The glass groans, a few pairs of eyes flicking around nervously.

“Calm down. It’s senior year, you should all know each other by now. I’ve already have your partners, so listen up...”

Peter studies his French manicure as Ms. Hill calls out their names. He gives Loki a wink when the teacher pairs Thor with him for the Tang Dynasty. It’s getting to the end of the list, and Peter’s worried that Ms. Hill might have forgotten him, then-

“Tony and Peter. Song Dynasty.”

The omega dies a little inside.

“Alright, get to work! Rubrics are on my desk, get brainstorming!”

The class disperses into a flurry of noise and movement. Tony slowly stalks over to him like the douchebag he is.

“How about you get the rubric?” Peter suggests, but it’s more of an order than anything. Tony smirks and places his pencil on the desk next to Peter.

“Anything for you, princess.” He teases, causing the omega to flush a bright red. Peter doodles in his notebook until Tony gets back with two rubrics.

“Song Dynasty. I’m fuckin’ pumped.”

This actually makes Peter giggle a little bit.

“Calm down, Anthony.” He quips back, a small smile on his face.

It turns out the two work together pretty well.

Tony’s definitely not a slacker, and had avid ideas that Peter wrote down. They settled on a comedy-style presentation. (Which Peter would neverdo, but who can say no to Tony’s puppy dog eyes?)

When the bell rings, Tony walks him to his next class, like a...gentleman.

Who knew?

✨👑✨

“Good morning Midtown! I’m Peter Parker, your SGA President.”

Tony turns his attention to the T.V in the hallway. Peter sits at the newscaster desk, in a navy and white tennis polo, a matching headband pushing back his curls, and two big pearls adorning his ears. Tony could purr, but he pinches himself. There’s no way he can be falling for Peter Parker.

No way.

The entire hallway goes silent, in awe of their queen on the screen.

“A quick reminder-next week is spirit week! The days are posted on our Instagram and around the school. Don’t forget to buy your homecoming tickets. They’re being sold all week in the cafeteria. Thanks, and have a wonderful day!”

Everyone resumes their conversation.

Tony slams his locker shut.

✨👑✨

“Oh god, you are not making me ride that.”

Tony laughs loudly and tucks his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

Peter stands with his arms crossed over his baby blue Chanel sweater. His pink lips are turned down into a frown, button nose scrunched like it always is.

“I am. Unless you want to walk?” Tony coos, handing his helmet to the omega. His honey eyes glance down at the black helmet, then back up to Tony.

“You’ll keep me safe?” Peter asks quietly, his bitchy facade dropping. Tony’s eyes widen.

“Oh, of course, Pete. I’d never let anything happen to you.” The alpha responds, genuine care in his voice.

“Well, then let’s go, slowpoke.” Peter huffs, placing the ill-fitting helmet on top of his curls. Tony chuckles and straddles the bike, waiting as Peter slowly wraps his arms around his torso, resting his cheek on his back.

“Hold on!” Tony calls as he starts the bike, causing the tiny omega to yelp. They leave school, weaving through the cars and students. Peter shouts directions to his house in Tony’s ear, the alpha smiling as the wind whips behind him. They eventually arrive at Peter’s apartment complex, parking his motorcycle in the garage for the occupants.

“That sucked,” Peter grumbles, but-Tony sniffs the air.

Peter’s turned on.

He’s about to crack a joke, but stops himself. Peter looks at the ground, embarrassed.

“Sorry. Didn’t bring my car.”

Peter tries to hide his smile.

The omega brings him up to his penthouse, heading to the kitchen to grab something to eat.

“Do you want anything, Tony? I’ve got...quite a lot.” Peter asks, grabbing some wheat crackers and spread from the fridge. Tony shucks off his leather jacket, placing it over the back of the chair. He runs his hand over the cool marble counter.

“I’m good, but thank you.” He responds, pulling his notebook out of his bag. Peter shrugs, grabbing his book bag.

“Suit yourself. Let’s go upstairs, my aunt will be home soon.” He tells Tony, not sparing him a second glance before heading to the staircase. The alpha rushes behind him, narrowly avoiding an expensive looking vase. They turn right down the hallway, pictures of Peter at all stages of his life on the walls. One catches Tony’s eyes, a little baby Peter with a big blue bow on his head, smiling as he plays in a pile of leaves.

“Please don’t touch anything, Anthony.” Peter sniffs when they reach his room, pink exploding in Tony’s vision. His room is huge, perfectly cleaned and organized. There are pictures everywhere, Peter smiling with his friends. A king-sized canopy bed sits in the middle of the room, expensive silk pillows arranged with care. Peter plops himself on the ground, spreading out his papers.

”Your room is...nice.” Tony comments, sitting on the ground next to Peter. He's still overwhelmed by the omegan aroma filling the room.

”Thank you.” Peter says softly, clearly pleased.

”Should we get started? I had some ideas about how we should present the civil service exam.”

They get a big chunk of their work done but end up talking about everything butthe Song Dynasty. Peter’s actually really fucking smart, wanting to study biological engineering in college. He's down to earth and an absolute sweetheart when he's not surrounded by the student body.

And he's really fucking pretty.

”I know! Fury is such a hardass!” Peter exclaims through giggles, tears coming out of his big doe eyes. His curls are a mess, splayed underneath his head.

Tony isn’t thinking when he reaches over and thumbs away Peter’s happy tears.

The omega blinks in surprise, but-

sucks Tony’s thumb into his mouth.

Tony growls loudly, removing his thumb from Peter’s mouth with a pop, leaning down, and pressing his lips to the other’s. The omega is everything Tony thought he would be. Sweet like sugar, with the remnants of the crackers on his tongue. He hums happily as Tony picks him up, pulling the smaller into his lap.

“Tony-“

“I fucking like you, Parker.”

“Tony,” Peter whispers as the alpha lightly drags his fingers over his bare thighs. “Tony, I have a boyfriend.”

“He doesn’t deserve to be your boyfriend, Peter.” Tony says, almost frantically. “He-He fucking hurts you.”

Peter flinches at his word choice.

“He doesn’t. It’s none of your business.” The omega breathes, avoiding Tony’s gaze.

“Peter, please tell someone. Or break up with him, I don’t care.” The alpha pleads, taking Peter’s hands in his. The omega rips them away.

“He loves me. Please drop it.”

Tony bites his tongue.

✨👑✨

“Loki, your bow is crooked.”

Loki rolls his eyes and spins around.

“Then fix it, Peter.”

Peter laughs and straightens the blue bow that holds his black, silky hair out of his face. It’s Class Colors Friday, the seniors getting their rightful color of blue. Harley takes a bite of his sandwich, looking over Peter’s shoulder.

“Uh, Pete? Quentin’s coming over here, and he looks mad.”

Peter turns around, seeing his boyfriend heading towards him with a scowl on his face. Peter pretends to light up, giving him a small wave. Before he can greet the alpha, he’s grabbing Peter by his cheerleading jacket.

“You fucking slut,” He growls, blue eyes narrowed. “You sleeping around with Stark now?”

Peter whimpers as his breathing picks up.

“Quent, you’re making a scene.” He whispers, tugging at the alpha’s sleeve gently. Quentin grins menacingly.

“Am I, now?” He chuckles, pressing a kiss to Peter’s cheek. “That’s high praise coming from a drama queen like yourself. Have fun finding another homecoming date.”

With that, Quentin pushes him back, and storms out of the cafeteria. Peter follows him, ignoring the shouts from his friends.

“Quentin, baby, wait!” The omega calls out once they get into the hallway, causing the alpha to spin around.

“Is it true? You made out with Stark?”

Peter’s bottom lip quivers as he stays silent. Quentin sighs exasperatedly, clenching his fists tightly.

“You deserve everything I did to you, Peter. And I hope you fucking know it.”

Peter doesn’t see his, well, ex-boyfriend, leave through his tears. He shuffles off to the omega restroom, trying to keep his mascara from running. He sifts through his purse for his little packet of tissues, dabbing at his eyes frantically. The door swings open, and Peter expects Loki and Harley, but the smell of smoke and musky alpha fills the room.

“Shit, Peter, I’m so fucking sorry,” Tony says quickly. Peter just whimpers and cuddles into the alpha’s torso.

“You were right,” He cries, breathing in deep breaths of Tony’s scent. The other boy strokes his curls, shushing him. “And now I don’t have a homecoming date, and all my friends do, and senior year is just going to suck.”

Tony sighs deeply from above him.

“I can go with you, if you want.”

Peter looks up into Tony’s deep brown eyes.

“Are you asking me out, Anthony?” He teases, poking the alpha’s cheek. His eyes widen in surprised.

“No! Not at all. I’m just saying, if you wanted to, I’d be willing to go with you.”

Peter laughs and kisses him.

✨👑✨

Tony’s so fucking nervous.

His hands shake as he grips the stupid plastic corsage box in one, ringing the doorbell with the other.

Mrs. Parker opens the door.

“Tony. Come on in. Peter will be down in a second.” She says with a glint in her eyes. Tony follows her into the apartment, perfectly clean, like always.

“Let me see,” Mrs. Parker smiles, leaning over to look at the corsage in the box. “He’ll love it.”

Speaking of him-

Peter Parker appears at the top of the steps.

Tony’s mouth parts subconsciously. Peter looks-Peter looks stunning. His dress is a cherry red that matches his lipstick, all lace and off the shoulder. He walks down slowly, smoothing the skirt of his dress.

“Peter, oh my god, you look beautiful.” Tony sputters as Peter gives him a peck on the cheek.

“And you look handsome,” The omega responds, thin fingers adjusting Tony’s tie. “You bought a corsage!”

Tony laughs, opening the box and picking up the white rose. He adjusts it on Peter’s wrist as the other boy pins a white boutonniere to Tony’s lapel.

“Perfect,” He coos, pressing another kiss to Tony’s jaw.

Mrs. Parker gives him a quick, threatening talk as Peter uses the bathroom. Peter fake swoons when Tony opens the passenger door to his Audi.

They’re the perfect pair.

They take pictures and dance and kiss and it’s everything Tony could ever dream of. Peter wins homecoming queen, as he should. He looks divine on stage, sparkling tiara on his curls and smiling wide.

“Alpha,” Peter whines, 30 minutes before the dance ends, making Tony’s heart skip a beat.

“Yeah, baby?” Tony responds, grinding his hips forward against Peter’s ass, a quiet ‘oof’ falling from his lips.

“Can-Can we go back to your place? If your parents aren’t home-“

“Fuck yes.”

The car is thick with the scent of arousal, the mixing of their pheromones making Tony crazy. They’re on top of each other once they make it inside.

“Tony, where’s your room?” Peter moans as Tony nibbles on his neck. The alpha doesn’t respond, instead lifts the smaller into his arms. Tony rushes upstairs, making sure he doesn’t drop Peter. They collapse onto the bed, Tony pressing his lips to Peter’s. He tastes delicious, as always, and Tony can’t help but moan. He pulls off of Peter, shucking off his suit jacket as Peter stands up.

“Alpha, can you help undo my dress?”

That phrase sends a jolt of arousal to Tony’s dick.

He obeys, thick fingers tugging the silver zipper down. Peter steps out of the dress, his freckled back on full display, as well as his delectable ass that’s barely covered by white panties. In awe, Tony runs his fingers over the pale stretch marks littering his flesh.

“Is that- are they too gross? Quentin always said t-they were ugly.”

Tony’s speechless.

“No, no, baby,” He coos, spinning Peter around so he can see his face. His doe eyes shine with oncoming tears. “You’re fucking beautiful, you know that? You’re the sexiest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen.”

Peter giggles shyly, flushed.

“Fuck Quentin. He’s a pussy, not a real alpha. He never deserved you. You’re perfect, my little omega.”

They make love.

There’s nothing else to call it-not fucking, not sex. Peter rides him for everything he’s worth, tiny cock leaking against his stomach as his thick thighs straddle Tony’s. The tiara stays on, his curls becoming damp with sweat. Tony doesn’t last long, he pops his knot too early, but he doesn’t mind, since Peter is right behind him.

“Tony?” The omega whispers after Tony slipped out of him and cleaned them up.

“Yeah?” The alpha responds, breath hitting the back of Peter’s neck.

“I fucking like you, Stark.”

Tony laughs, pulls Peter closer under the covers, and kisses him.

[kachulein]

TMI, I guess??

oof my father is here again, he's still intoxicated but not as crazily drunk as yesterday. I still don't know how to feel about seeing him like that since it reminds me of all the shit that has happened in the past and how he ruined our family and my childhood with his alcoholism. Of course my mom and him are arguing like always. So not even Christmas brings peace into our "family". I'm fed up with family lol

He was like (to my mom): what would you do if you woke up at 4 in the morning feeling sick to your bones?

my mom: I'd stop D R I N K I N G

He has been saying he wanted to stop drinking for weeks but he's been in a constant state of drunkenness for the past 3 months. But on the other hand he also doesn't want to take the meds that would help him stop drinking. And before he started his drinking slump he'd been hospitalised (for the hundredth time tbh) for around half a year but as soon as he gets back home he starts drinking again. :)

Besides his alcohol addiction he also takes all the meds he can get and he has taken so many medication overdoses before, my stepdad, my mom and me are all genuinely surprised he's survived that each time-

This time he's sitting around in our local bar getting drunk every morning already and apart from that he's taking valium every day. I'm not an expert but Idk how good of a combination that is-

Before he arrived at our house yesterday, I had a panic attack because I thought my current state couldn't deal with a drunk him (it's already hard for me meeting him when he's sober) but hey, he just showed up when I was alone at home so I didn't have a choice and just had to manage. I feel like it made me stronger. ??? maybe ???

Btw he's still sitting here babbling-

I had a mini heart attack when he suddenly arrived when I was wrapping presents yesterday because last time he came here drunk when I was alone at home, stuff that threw me into a slump happened and therefore I'd been afraid of facing him alone again.

Idk why I'm writing this? I'm just-

I guess I just want to say, even though all my Christmases have been very hard on me and I've felt depressed and had been crying throughout the holidays each year, I'm trying not to give up.

I will hold on to the thought that someday I can celebrate Christmas without my drunk father, without family fights, without all the shit that has happened and just be together with friends that mean a lot to me, friends that don't curse the whole holiday season like my mom does, friends that want to hang up decorations with me and get a tree (it may sound childish but I wish I had a tree ;-;) and yeah, I just keep hoping for a beautiful Christmas someday.

[vampiresofabbeyroad]

20 Jan 2022 

Today’s win:

Oh my fucking god I’m on cloud 9 right now!!

Started my day rushing quite a bit, did a bit of research while on commute, then had my appraisal (which went really well). I’m surprised by how confident I can speak these days. Then had a team bonding sesh over lunch, which also went super well. I love my freaking team, we had a blast. I love how we’ve become friends.

Then did a bit of admin stuff and stayed in the office while waiting to celebrate a pitch we’ve won!! It’s a huge account and we’re gonna hire more people and I’m excited to just meet new people honestly. We had champagne, some local treats, and had a bit of socialising fun with my colleagues. We laughed like bitches. We were reminiscing about the past year, how involved we’ve been in each others’ lives. Oh! Before the celebration, we walked and had coffee at this new coffee/brownie shop near our office and we spent a good hour laughing, waiting for my oat milk matcha latte (I had to order oat milk cuz of diarrhoea #TMI), we walked in the rain, talked some more. All in all, that moment in the office, today, made me realise how lucky I am to be able to share these kinds of experiences with people I work with. How lucky I am to do what I love and have the support of these people. “Oh you wanna do more writing? Let’s make sure you have more opportunities to do that!” And they put me on a new brief with new challenges, and while it’s a struggle for me to navigate all these changes, the learning curve has been quite steep. I’m also getting to talk to a lot more people and be mentored by such creative but humble people. I know that teenage TJ would be so proud. She dreamt of this. She dreamt to be able to do creative work for a living.

I remember how devastated I was when I didn’t get into a local uni, but it’s true what they say about everything happening for a reason. Life gave me SUCH BETTER OPPORTUNITIES. Fuck. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

Anyway, I went home and drank some more since I already started in the office. I danced with my sister to some Paramore songs, which was wholesome. Then I had an almost 2-hour call with my bff. She updated me on her life, I updated her on mine. And she said a lot of things that really blew my fucking mind.

Side track, i have been reconnecting and talking to a lot more people the past few weeks and it’s been helping a lot. It’s been helping me unpack what I’ve been through and they’ve been helping me validate my feelings given that I really didn’t feel like I could do so with my ex.

ANYWAYYYYYY, she told me that she knows how I am as a person. I’ve known her since we were 15. She knows how understanding and empathetic I am (not to gas myself up). She knows I would’ve understood and accepted my ex’s decision to be friends with whoever he fucking wants. But the fact that he is who he is - condescending, insecure, had no goals, made me insecure about the relationship. In her words, “If he was actually a good person and he treated you right from the beginning, you would’ve been more secure about him being friends with his ex” WHICH IS FUCKING TRUE???? I already had inhibitions about him as a person. I wasn’t overreacting. GOD. It’s so clear to me now. 

She also reminded me to not blame myself for opening up. It just goes to show that they’re not the right people. 

If anything, this experience reminds me a lot of my breakdown after JC. I never would’ve realised what I wanted if life didn’t show me what I DIDN’T WANT. 

Honestly, life is too short to surround yourself with people who won’t positively impact your life. I mean, I actually thought that my ex and I could heal our childhood traumas together, or at least grow together in some way. But it seemed like he wanted to be stuck where he is/was (given him choosing his past). It’s really not my problem anymore. Nor was it my problem ever. I can’t believe I even tried to go to counselling to help myself help him navigate his mental illness. I guess you really can’t help people who don’t wanna help themselves. It’s on him to heal from his own past trauma. I’m just opening myself up to more deserving people in my life, and I’m being patient and I’m more than excited.

This year is gonna be exciting. I feel like I’m just growing so much as a person in my 20s. I’m learning about what I won’t settle for - whether it’s with friends or romantic relationships.

I feel like i’ve fulfilled whatever I want to fulfil in my early twenties, which is such an amazing feeling. I found my people then, and I’m ready to attract the right people in the second half of my twenties. I’m only 26. I have so much more to explore.

[awkwardshanandagins]

Peace Out 2017.  You Truly Sucked Balls.

Happy New Year everyone!  My hope going into 2018 is that I make it out alive.  Gotta set those expectations pretty low so you're never disappointed.  Life tip #987 for you guys ;)

Let me catch you up on the last week or so as it's been a little bit since I've written anything.  Christmas came and went super fast per usual.  There's always so much build up and then you sneeze and it's over.  Christmas was a tad emotional this year.  It's a rough time of year for us crazies who are obsessing over having a child since reminders are absolutely everywhere.  I would like to take my screaming child to sit on creepy Santa's lap or have them be the center of my adorable Christmas card, naked, wrapped in lights on a fur rug (see my last post for a nice visual of Paul in this same scenario).  Instead, I just get to look at everyone else's pictures of their petrified child sitting on creepy mall Santa's lap.  It's not as fun; I'd rather traumatize my own child. Christmas Eve day was spent pretty much just ugly crying all over the place.  I couldn't let it slow me down since I had things that needed to get done, like wrapping ALL of the gifts and getting myself thrown together for Christmas Eve with my family.  So, I just ugly cried while doing all of things I needed to get done.  What a f*cking mess that was.  Ask Paul, it wasn't pretty.  Wrapping presents is difficult enough for me (I'm incredibly bad at wrapping) but doing it through swollen seeping eyes was a whole other level of difficult.  By the end, the presents were soggy and mangled, just how everyone likes 'em!  My day of emotional turmoil sparked some super intense hot flashes so that was fun too.  Can't say my day wasn't eventful.

I eventually pulled my shit together, as I can usually do, and got myself over to my sister's house to celebrate with my family.  You may be getting the idea at this point that I am super unstable and a really depressed person.  That's not all true.  Yes, I am incredibly unstable right now so keeping your distance is well advised, but I am not a completely miserable person.  I still have a lot of happy moments but those ones aren't as fun to tell you guys about because then it seems like I'm bragging.  I'd rather show you all my lowest and most pathetic moments because those are more fun to laugh at.  I may have some pretty sick humor, take it up with my family, they taught me this behavior.  Anyways, Christmas with my family was enjoyable as always.  They usually pull me out of my funk; it's probably the sick sense of humor we all share.  The rest of Christmas was relaxed and uneventful, nothing to write home about.  I was super thankful for a mellow Christmas this year; it's exactly what we needed after the hectic year we just barely made it through.

The following week was blah.  The week between Christmas and New Years always feels off, like no one knows what day it is, everything is dark and dreary, time doesn't exist and the only thing there is to do is eat all the left over crap from Christmas.  I mean, am I wrong?  I spent my week on a boat.  Don't get all jealous, I wasn't actually on a boat, my body just felt like it.  It's a fun adventure MS has added to my life.  It's awesome!  I always get to feel like I'm on a sweet ocean vacation but I'm actually just bashing between the stall walls in the bathroom at work.  Literally.  I sway back and forth and ping-pong between walls.  It's cool though, I just tell everyone I'm drunk.  This is probably frowned upon at work but screw it, I like to live on the edge.

New Years Eve came up fast.  As usual, Paul and I made plans to go out and drink with friends to ring in the new year the correct way, drunk.  And, as usual, my body wasn't cooperating.  Friday I had some cool burning whilst peeing.  You're welcome for the TMI.  I for sure thought a UTI was going to ring in the new year with me.  Saturday I woke up to burning while peeing, horrible pelvic and back cramps and my most favorite friend...my monthly destroyer.  Blood.  Blood?  Wait, what the f*ck?  I am on lupron for this exact reason, to keep this guy at bay.  My cool body just does whatever the hell it wants though.  It defies all the odds, but not in the cool matrix style way, more of in the "you have a .02% chance of experiencing this side effect" way...and then I experience the side effect.  Sunday, New Years Eve, I woke up to even more pain, blood and tears.  Oh God, so many tears.  This is really becoming the norm for me.  The day was spent curled up with heating pads on my front and back with intermittent sobbing.  Mostly, I was disappointed my plans for the night would now be laying on the couch trying not to die.  Another thing my body ruined for us.

I'm starting to lose sight of why I'm doing the lupron at all.  It was supposed to be a way to give my body a six month break from the bleeding and pain, but it just rears it's ugly head anyways.  Oh well, one more month to go.  My doctor gave me estrogen patches to help with the 'she-devil' side-effect of the lupron.  Estrogen is one of endometriosis' main catalysts but I figured my doctors knew what they were doing putting me on it.  Guess not.  It's the reason for the most recent pain and bleeding.  Now I'm in this weird vortex of taking lupron to help with pain and bleeding and taking estrogen to help with the lupron only to end up with pain and bleeding.  Um, what?  This sure makes a lot of sense.

So anyways, Paul and I rang in the New Year sound asleep.  Leading up to that, we binge-watched Black Mirror on Netflix and ate complete garbage since we're back to our healthier way of life today.  By the way, if you haven't watched Black Mirror, go watch it, it's crazy.  Also by the way, if you haven't tried Mochi, go buy some.  It's my new obsession.  The best thing about not going out last night, no hangover today!  What a great way to start the new year, haven't done this in years!

Last year, I made the resolution that I was going to get pregnant.  2017 was our year!  Smart.  Really set myself up for failure with that one.  Do me a favor and do not make a resolution that is not within your control.  I may have not ended up with a baby, but you know what awesome thing 2017 did give to me?  MS.  I hope you can feel my sarcasm oozing out of your screen right now.  No but really, set goals for the year that are obtainable and within your control.  That is exactly what I have done this year.  My three goals that I can achieve every single day are to eat healthy, move my body and ease my mind.  Easy enough, right?  Side note, if I say "exercise" I will not do it; I hate exercising.  If I say "move my body," I'll definitely do it because it's fun.  I specifically like to move my body to music.  No one else really likes when I do this though.  I may have the most awkward white girl moves you've ever seen, but I'm doing the damn thing, so deal with it, or avert your eyes.  Also, my goal of easing my mind can be achieved in many different ways and will always be something I enjoy so I can't possibly fail at that.  I can meet that goal daily by reading something I enjoy, writing to you fine folks, writing more privately, yoga, listening to music or trying something new.  Meditation is something new I'm dabbling in.  I have a crazy loud and obnoxious mind and getting it to quiet is definitely going to take some practice so wish me luck!

I'm not going to say "2018 is our year" because I saw how well that's worked out for me the last few years.  2018 is just another year and who knows what the hell it will bring my way so I'm going to go into it hoping for the best but expecting the worst; that way I can't possibly be disappointed, right?  What's that you say?  I seem to be a tad pessimistic?  Like father like daughter ;)  Seriously though, I'm not expecting miracles this year, even though they would be welcomed, but I am expecting to make changes that are within my control.  I will take it one day at a time and enjoy each moment, even the moments I'm clutching a heating pad, scream-crying in agony and bleeding more than any human ever should without dying.  You're welcome for that visual.  Happy New Year my people!

[r0rorowurboat]

all of them

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

the first time i watched moulin rouge i hated it? mainly because my sisters loved it and i refused to like things they liked, but now i love it haha

2: Talk about your first kiss.

oh god. it was horrible. we were both really overthinking it and were super nervous. It was so awkward. We literally just pressed our closed mouths together and were like “is this how you do it?” and then one of my friends had to show us how. 

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

nah man not right now

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

accepting that money lol

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

best birthday i had was a surprise party! it was the only party ive ever and and it was from a really good friend at the time who ive now grown apart from. it was super sweet 

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

ummmmm ive had some really bad birthdays lol i guess the one after my dad re-married and i had it at his house and his wife made me cry

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

mmmmmmmmmmmm my personality being annoying and cold and distant and also my eyes looking like my fathers and my bingo wing arms lmao

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

im proud of my art sometimes! but most of all im pretty proud of myself for overcoming my mutism and telling my family on christman

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

im okay with my nose. also my eye color i like? and ive grown to like my hair. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

HAHAHAH screaming at my father in the target parking lot the day after my cat died

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

ummmmmm probably the ones ive been having recently about meeting all the server people? i usually have pretty bad dreams haha

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

hahahahahahahahaha um it involved s/a

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

thats a bit tmi isnt it? it was alright.

14: Talk about a vacation.

i went to st. augustine with my grandmothers and that was really nice! I had a pretty great time. Also the time i went to disney world with my nephews was super fun,

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

hmmmm probably last year when i was in therapy and had a job and a few close friends that i hung out with a lot.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

okay so it was this guys birthday party and a group of like 15 people played coh and then all swam and i shoved pizza in someones pants and then got someone else to eat it

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

*stares wistfully at the server people i dont actively speak to with a single tear streaming down my cheek* one day when i figure out how to start conversations

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

um! this TA became really close to me and helped me get my IEP and looked out for me and every now and then i would just hang out in his office in the teachers lounge with him when i was having anxiety in class and he let me decorate it and put a sign on the door that said “Rachels Office”

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

ehhhhh ummm i got to help make a mural with the art club!

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

in high school i used to hang out with friends after school every day which was nice! I also made a lot of good friends that i still adore now

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

:/ he was a dickwad and i was not nice about it. I had told him repeatedly that i couldnt stand him and he didnt get the message so when he asked me out i told him no and when he asked why i spelled out everything i hated about him

22: Talk about your worst fear.

hahahahahaha nope thats not something we’re gonna talk about

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

it was all gucci. we agreed on getting some distance for a bit and now we’re pretty good friends

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

“You’re talented and I want to make sure everyone sees that.” my mom said that after looking at my art and i started crying i was so happy haha it was the first time she had ever said that about my art.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

she was ehhhhhh really icky. she couldn’t accept when she was wrong and she was very selfish. She kind of put me down a lot and it was sort of a situation of “if i hadnt met you when i was really young we wouldn’t be friends” and it turned very toxic. 

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

complain. a lot. make soup. get very affectionate and gushy too. sleep a lot.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

usually eyes or hair! 

28: Talk about your fetishes.

hahahahahah ummmm tattoos are really nice

29: Talk about what turns you on.

hahahahahhahahahahahahahhahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaa

30: Talk about what turns you off.

feet. also, bad attitudes. entitlement. 

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

i think its like sleep. or many its moving on. maybe its reincarnation. idk. nobody does and i accept that.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

Lexington, Kentucky! The cul-de-sac we lived on and Isabelle and the park we used to walk to behind the school. Snow mans and getting hit in the face by a snowball. The fireplace and coloring books. My grandma’s bedroom and the picture frames on the windowsill.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

I cry? lol. um. I try to talk about it with people or draw because thats healthier than my old habits ha

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

tearing a ligament in my knee. it still hurts sometimes to this day haha ive got a bum knee now.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

biting my nails, talking to my abuser, shutting myself inside, lapsing into my old habits, ignoring texts… hahaha

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

um hm okay stupid disney channel original movies are one. with the bad acting and predictable plot lines. those. idk they just cheer me up sometimes

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

mmmmmmm no thanks im good haha

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

Any Sam Smith song reminds me of Ashley 

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

I wish I had known earlier about a lot of things. My sexuality. My goals. My priorities. Coping mechanisms. Results of certain relationships and actions. yeah, those.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

Endings are always kind of sad, aren’t they? Ahhhh ummm my last day in Naples was the end of a lot for me. The end of seeing a lot of people who matter a lot to me. The end of dependence on my mother. The end of a job. The end of a lot. HAha. I cried for about 6 hours that day.

[monolid-monologues]

TMI meets TMO. (as in, sharing Too Much Info will Talk Me Out of heartbreak, maybe?)

#6.

And yet another week flies by..with nothing to publish. because i haven’t been writing over the week.

Actually, plenty of writing, but, very personal writing. Where it was not happening: my tinyletter drafts. Where it was: my yellow moleskin journal i lug around everywhere. And THESE DAYS I really mean everywhere every day because…………….. well………………… WELL. WELL, HERE:

Let’s start with some context.

My last Mainstage production at UC Davis before graduating was the great beautiful and miraculous The Bluest Eye. I kid you not, I felt in my BONES how much this production would affect me. I needed to be in it. I had conflicts with another show overlapping rehearsal/show times. I got cast (joy!!!!!), then dropped (NO!!!!!!!). I caused a lot of ruckus and trouble lol. I insisted I NEED TO BE A PART OF THIS. My gut was one thooooooousand percent right. I wish this kind of ensemble experience for every student theatre artist. In this show, I enjoyed the presence of the most colorful mothafking cast i’ve ever seen in a play. We understood the importance of our work and the importance of each other in this work. We threw ourselves into shared purpose. We created and held a treasured space for love and chaos. We brewed so much love it was like a drug in a league of its own; we gave and received so much energy together we were all bonafide high off each other’s presence.

This show was selected to participate in a festival and compete for national awards and recognitions. Like 1 of 30 across the country. Part of me cannot believe a theatre production from UC Davis Major University for the Sciences was invited to this robust/artsy-theatre-program-school-type-shit festival. But also, part of me knows how special what we put on was, is, will be. The life-sized puppets, the ensemble work, the story, the purpose — we shared something rare, relevant and powerful. White Theatre Be Shooketh.

As you can tell, i’m fiercly in love with this production. And the point of this context is that we are now reuniting to put this show back together and take it to Oregon for 1 week this FEBRUARY!

and i’m getting to my point now....

That spring, i told you, i knew being in this show was going to impact me beyond words. But what i could NOT have known. What i never expected. What has been haunting me for months: Falling in love with someone in this show. I couldn’t have known that someone I’d never known before this show was going to shake. me. to. my. core. In meeting this person, knowing this person, falling in love with this person, and letting go of this person, i have undergone and am still getting through a terribly overdue re-awakening of my independence.

It gets really messy okay. For me to go INTO it, i need to go into my my open relationship, my relationship with my then partner of nearing 5 years (who was set to move in with me in the end of spring, closing the gap on our LDR), and my trapezing around town with this person I just met. The short version is this: I was careless, reckless, and naive; ignorant of my partner, ignorant of my needs, and of my own spiritual well-being. At that time, with just that person by my side, i felt fucking invincible. But I was being real clumsy.

Fast forward to the end of that spring — my partner moves back in with me, i tell this person we need to just be friends now, and everything feels wrong. I’m lying in bed with my partner, crying my eyes out because i hate letting go of this person. My partner is finally back home with me and I’m crying my eyes out because the truth was i have never felt for anyone what i felt for this person, and that included my partner. This is, of course, when i realize my partner and i need to break up.

I’m dumb in love with the most awful timing — it is absolutely not the right time for me to “be with someone” — and the most obstinate hubris — “I can handle the drama”. The relationship between me and this person is becoming increasingly tumultuous. I feel distance; I feel coldness; I feel confused. I keep biting my tongue; I keep second-guessing myself; I keep killing my impulse. I keep telling myself this is what I want! I want HIM! But what the fuck do I know about what i need? I haven’t been single in 5 years. I can barely recognize myself. There’s so much self-discovery to do. I had no business trying so hard to be with someone, when i didn’t even give myself the chance to consider what it meant to be alone.

I was absolutely in need of time with myself. Time for myself. time alone. alone. alone. alone. alone.

I understood this when I spent the following summer in Vermont. off grid. in frequent solitude. and the fellowship of a beautiful few.

I nearly forgot it when i came back from Vermont, and started trying to be with That Person. Dare i admit i became desperate? I opened myself wide open to you, in such haste, that I nearly hallowed myself of all my hard-earned and beloved sacred energy to make any kind of space i could so that you would fit. so that i could maybe possibly somehow someway make it fit, make it work. Obvious spoiler: it didn’t work.

When i was trying to make it work, i was someone different. My best friend had never seen me in such a state: so in love with someone, and so unable to get a grip on myself. Sitting across from me, or soothing me on the other end of the phone, she is shocked to witness me so paralyzed, so fearful, so insecure. She wants the best for me and i don’t care, i just want him. As I run this back through my memory, I am shocked too. I’m a little embarrassed but mostly deeply empathetic towards myself then: i needed to be alone, but i couldn’t let go. Whatever i was trying to have…Whatever i was holding onto…was suffocating my life. And I insisted on being choked and being fine.

How did this become the cliff notes to my love life? I want to share with you the magnitude of this person’s affect on my heart, so that when i say: I HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN FOR THIS FESTIVAL

you understand

the

storm

resurging

in a place i thought was healing.

I was healing. I was letting go molecule by molecule. I was steaming off the memories layer by layer. I was cutting myself off from dangerous dwellings. I was doing my god. damn. best. to thoroughly leave this person in the past where this whole thing belongs.

Yet, The Bluest Eye is reviving for at least one more stretch in February. I’ve just come back from Davis (last night Sunday); we had our first full meeting and puppet rehearsal. This is to say, i saw the guy, in the flesh, and spent the whole week prior bracing myself for it. In the spirit of self-effacing honesty: i nearly didn’t go. But i decided it is a test of strength and it is a test of independence and it is allowing my craziness to overcome my insecurities. I was going to be in a room with this guy for 5 hours and dig my nails into myself, stay loyal to myself, and be Who I am unyieldingly. I felt really good about it when i left. I proved to myself that i could be the open and loving person i am even if the guy wrenching my heart is 5 feet away. 

Being so distracted and confused by the pain and longing that i missed the opportunities to exchange energy with the rest of the room around me would have been my biggest regret. 

As i said, i left feeling quite good, proud, and at peace with my vulnerabilities.

Maybe i’m not 100% recovered, but i’m clearly, very clearly, in the THICK of recoverING, and i am truly growing, and moving forward step by step by step. 

In Davis, my good friend tells me: “if it’s not good for you, it’s not love”. Before I left for Davis, my best friend reminded me: “you’re trying too hard to fill in the blanks.” I’ve learned: “You can’t give what you can’t give.” (More familiar is the saying: you can’t give what you don’t have.)

To be completely honest, this beautiful show getting this beautiful chance at national recognition has ripped open such deep, old, ill-healing wounds in my heart. with a GIANT sigh, i am re-facing re-surfacing emotional ghosts, hurled back into combatting some very volatile mood-swinging emotional crises. In my personal journal this week i worked up a motherfkn STORM. My journal may as well be dripping from all the gel pen.

and meanwhile, my tinyletter’s been blank blank blank blank empty dusty blank………… and somehow, addressing my lack of tinyletter-ing, has revealed a very private part of my life. it is true: i was very busy private journaling, i didn’t have steam to write for the blog.

now i feel kind of sick this is the story for this week, i mean this is what came out, but this is all “VERY PERSONAL TERRITORY KEEP OUT”’. it’s honestly sort of unfortunate that this week’s letter has be to about my love life.

well there we go anyway.

Wow, Well, To leave on a more caustic, casual note~

THOUGHTS I KEEP COMING ACROSS AS I USE HINGE............

so many Del Playa/Newport, suit wearing, beer touting, IM ON A BOAT white bro motherfuckers (this is the first demographic i kept seeing on my recommended. happy to say hard passing each and every one of them has changed the algorithm).

why tf is pineapple on pizza such a hot topic lmao

BUT WHAT’S THEIR ENERGYYYYYYYYYY LIKE??????!!!!!!

But how old are these pictures man *scrutinizing any available time stamps*

Oh, :O HE’S………not the cute one in the pic………….

Pictures say 33 but profile age says 23, iooonnooooo sir

weird flex weird flex weird flex

if you think they’re 20 miles away from you, always add 20 more…………..

am i having an averse reaction to your profile because you remind me of someone? ~_~

am i really attracted to your profile because you remind me of someone? ~_~

ARE THESE SHENANIGANS THE BEST USE OF MY TIME???????????

It seems this is what comes out of me when I have nothing prepared to write about...

Nothing like rashly revealing too much info to motivate a better, more though-out next week. LOL. 

wish me luck, and see you then.

* * *

i’ve committed to being vulnerable in writing every week. if u want it straight shot to your inbox: https://tinyletter.com/rose-artrat

previous letter:  #5.) God Bless a Good Mess

for random thoughts, random questions //

http://monolid-monologues.tumblr.com/ask

[quorrakenobi]

Anxiety is haunting me.

About 2 weeks ago I ended up in the emergency room with a panic attack. It took a few days to start feeling better but then I thought I was done with it. Yesterday it came back, a bit less but still very scary. It’s still kind of going on, like a rolling boil almost? I’ll feel better, then worse again, then completely fine, then worse than ever. On and on.

Slight TMI and more about when I’ve gotten it and what I think seems to bring it on.

I've been having terrible anxiety that I think can only be hormonal - crying and overwhelmed and exhausted for no reason I can point to, as nothing has changed. Sure, the fact that nothing has changed in a very long time is a very bad thing and there's no one to blame but me. However, the way my anxiety has been, I feel a bit incapable of fixing it until it runs its course. Like, I myself feel like I can't do anything until I feel better. I could attempt to do a few things but if I do too much or think too much about what I have to do I start to panic... so I have to kind of just sit it out and distract myself until I don't feel like this anymore. 

I always try to remind myself that if everyone always felt this way, nothing would get done. Yet a lot of things get done in the world. And I myself have done plenty of things. So I have to just trust, even though I can't feel it right now, that I won't always feel this way and I'm just being tricked by chemicals in my brain - hormones. 

It's shitty. It's been worse. But it's not good, and I want it to stop. But I need to get myself under control. I'm out of shape and I never do anything at home. Being out of shape is the worst of it though... even ignoring the fact that I don't feel attractive, I worry that I'm unhealthy. I worry I'm hurting myself by being so unhealthy. And I want to fix it, but I feel exhausted and smothered, so it's hard.

But see, every time I start to feel that way - depressed and scared I guess - soon after I feel the physical effects of it, which aren't normal, and which tell me, "this is your body fucking with you. This isn't real." 

It's not. I know it's not. Normal anxiety for me give me a tummy ache and that's it. Normal depression for me makes me feel bored, and that's it. Just bored. 

 It doesn't make me feel smothered or like I can cry at the drop of a hat, it doesn't make my arms feel numb or my chest feel cold or my heart rate do weird shit. It doesn't make me feel quite so trapped. 

Knowing now that this is actual anxiety/a panic attack, I keep thinking back on my life to the times I've had them and not realized what they were. But I only ever had it this bad once before, and it was when I was at my lowest. Birth control messed me up, then heartbreak, then to counteract it I went on antidepressants that I probably didn't really need, then I gained like 60 pounds from it and had a shoe host of other problems. 

But. BUT. For a few years there I was a fair bit healthier and weighed a fair bit less, and I never felt like THIS when I was doing that. I know I didn't. And until 2 weeks ago, I'd never gone to an emergency room for any reason. So I know id never been that scared or overwhelmed for that long before.

I'd always had the worst of it in very obvious situations: 

 - After a concert where I was exhausted and hungry and it was too hot and there were too many people

 - After meeting a celebrity I really wanted to meet and going too long without eating and getting overwhelmed (luckily not while meeting the guy)

 - After very hot showers when I hadn't eaten enough

 - During a martial arts class when I hadn't eaten enough (although that was probably just feeling faint) 

The really bad low state I was in back in the day when I got on antidepressants was a bit more of just heartbreak, but it was definitely also anxiety because I had a sore appear on my chest over my heart (how fucking ridiculous is that?) which went away right after I started to feel better and never returned. 

The first time I had anxiety again, 2 weeks ago, I'd been playing World of Warcraft. Nothing particular had been happening. It was the middle of the night and I'd probably gone too long without eating. That was horrific. 

I had a nice week and a half of being basically all better and then yesterday, when I was in the car with my boyfriend headed somewhere, just after leaving the neighborhood, I asked him to take me home. He went out without me and I know he wasn't happy about it. We also had to cancel plans. 

At first he thought I was faking so I wouldn't have to go. I wasn't. I didn't want to go, and maybe that made me panic. But I'd rather have any kind of anxiety than a panic attack. Let me puke or shit my pants or something, anything is better than the feeling that nothing in the world looks or feels quite like it did the last time you lie attention. Terrible feeling. I think it's depersonalization? Basically everything feels unreal and you're like, surely things didn't feel like this before... how have I lived this long if I always felt this terrible? But this time I keep hovering near the bottom but never dipping down as low as before and I swear it's only because I know what's going on with myself. But it's kind of cold comfort. I just want to feel like myself again, capable of doing anything, the only reason I don't being pure laziness or absentmindedness, not lack of energy, nor depression or sadness or this strange fear. 

I'm gonna make a doctor's appointment tomorrow cuz I can't let this continue. I thought it was a random thing when I had it before and it was definitely hormones, I know this now. But I don't ever want this to happen again if I can help it. I mean, if I had real responsibilities and obligations this would really fuck those up. But I need to have those someday and I can't if I'm gonna be like this. So I need some kind of help, even if it's just help with a diet so I can stop putting so much physical stress on my body all the time. 

I don't know if I believe in prayers but if you pray I would appreciate if you could throw a thought to whatever you believe in, if they would help me. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have to go through this.