#and we just need this whole thanksgiving thing to be over bc we’re going insane with so many relatives in and out of our homes

[kaidabakugou]

coffee dates with your mom have you spilling all your dirty secrets without a second thought 😭

[itsonlystrange]

So I just took a deep dive on Byler Twitter and realized how many people literally devote their whole accounts just to talk sh!t about Kaypeace and her theories along with Byler shippers in general. Honestly, the duffers would not be proud of this. Is this seriously what our show has become? People are BASHING someone just because they have hope in a ship?

They’re calling Bylers deranged, delusional, lost soldiers, “in need of a rude awakening”, and more! Like who hurt you? How upset do you have to be with yourself to say this about someone just for shipping two fictional characters? They seriously can’t stand the fact that someone has hope for something and that there is actually proof tied to it. I’ve seen countless people say that she’s “digging up dust bunnies and pretending it’s gold.” Or that she’s “deranged and needs an awakening.” Which is just horrible! Why would you say that about someone?! Just letting you know that Finn, Millie, AND Noah would 100% find you HORRIBLE for saying things like this. This ISNT the fandom they wanted to raise. The show is not surrounded by byler OR Mileven and either way the show is phenomenal without either and there are so many more components. The duffers would not be proud of this behavior. You gotta admit, there are a lot of byler clues throughout all 3 seasons and calling us deranged for seeing something like that is terrible of you.

Saying that she needs mental help for picking up on hints that 2 people may be in love? Seriously? What is wrong with those people! Why do people have an issue with someone having hope. It’s not like we as Bylers are doing this for Mileven. I haven’t seen a Mileven Hate account in ages. And we personally do not claim those who do that. But I don’t understand why people seriously have an issue with the fact that two people could potentially end up together. How am I deranged for shipping two fake characters? Finn has said countless times to STOP with the ship wars and that he isn’t proud of it. This fandom is so toxic at times and is so horrible. You cannot deny that there are some pretty solids hints of Byler being canon. Kaypeace is not treating herself as If she is some saint. She has never said that all of her theories will be correct. But hell, some of them have been in the past! And with all of this proof, how are we deranged for seeing what’s clearly there? And how are we delusional for having faith in something? People really just wanna ruin our parade and ruin our happiness just because we see potential in 2 characters dating and being end game. This show is NOT a romance and exists without any love in it! So can we all stop acting like the show runs on Mileven or Byler or Jopper or Lumax or Jancy or whatever! We both can acknowledge that both ships have a lot of proof and that is that. Whatever happens, we cannot change. If people seriously get this worked up over the fact that Mike may not be in love with El, that seems like a personal issue. I’m not saying there aren’t toxic Bylers but the Mileven community from what I’ve seen has been HORRIBLE. They gaslight us and completely invalidate how we feel just because it’s “Delusinal” and “isnt canon”. Like?? What???

Also, please stop using the words “delusional” or “deranged” or “mental help” over FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. Implying that someone needs to go to a mental hospital just because they enjoy watching a tv show and analyzing it is HORRIBLE. And also horrible to ppl who actually experience delusions as well. It is not a mental illness to ship Mileven or Byler and none of what either are seeing are “delusions” or “hallucinations”. Google what Delusions means first before being an a$$ about it. The hate in this fandom is SO TOXIC. And if the duffers saw this behavior they would be mortified. The duffers would not invalidate either ship in any interview so can we all just stop. It’s THEIR show and at the end of the day they’ll do whatever they want to it. If that means that your ship isn’t canon, then so be it. But saying that “Milevens are always gonna win” and that “Mileven is end game” and then claiming Bylers are delusinal for shipping 2 fictional characters,,,,,, then doesn’t that make Milevens delusinal for shipping 2 fictional characters too?? None of us are delusinal or deranged or anything. We are all human. Let us all have faith.

And also, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is set in stone. Mileven isn’t endgame yet and Byler isn’t end game yet either. For f@!$ sake, Mike could even end up with Max! El could end up with Lucas! We literally never know! So, stop treating like we know the end of the show. We have proof and we analyze it. Why would the duffers be giving us this much proof if it wasn’t to analyze. If Milevens are allowed to theorize then so are Bylers. Hell, maybe Will AND el die by the end and Mike ends up lonely with 3 cats.

This is STRANGER THINGS. The show is all about subverting tropes. So just take all of your expectations and throw them out the window. Because 99% of the time, we are completely blown out of our minds. If there was any show that was gonna leave us in total shock when the season finale airs, it’s stranger things. The duffers know how to write. And they know exactly what they are doing. If Mileven does end up together, so be it. But if Byler is end game, don’t cry about It. Don’t make up some false reality, because ironically that would make YOU the delusional one, haha. But in all seriousness, nothing is set in stone. Anyone remember how off our theories were for season 3? Or how off our theories were for season 4 compared to now? People were convinced S4 was taking place during thanksgiving break, that Steve was joining the Force, that Robin was getting a girlfriend (I hope!), etc. Everything in this show happens for a reason, the duffers said so themselves. And this show is an ENSEMBLE SHOW. No character is the main character. This isn’t a rom com and the show could very well end up with everyone dead besides Keith! We literally don’t know. So can we stop calling ppl delusional or insane for shipping 2 fake people. We’re allowed to theorize. And just bc it isn’t your opinion doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.

This needs to stop! Millie and Noah and the rest of the cast would not be proud of this behavior. Respect everyone’s ships. And for the love of god, stop making accs just to sh!t on Byler or any theorizer. Be a better person

(Please reblog)

@lolbyler @willthecleric @hawkinsschoolcounselor @kaypeace21

[gladiatortale]

My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS! 

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019  The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

Y’ALL okay here me out. Am I proud of this one? No. Is the show crass as hell? OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAH. Did my angsty ass love it at the end of last year? DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID. Goes without saying, but this is NOT FOR EVERYBODY, but it definitely helped me along the way to becoming more comfortable with myself and being open about being the massive geek that I always was, and watching things I enjoy regardless of what people say about it.

Joined the fandom: December 2019 Obsession peaked: Shortly there after. Fandom friends: None. Dipped one toe in fandom discourse and then promptly YEETED the fuck outta there. Obsession faded: January 2019. Still curious to see the full series if A24 actually ever does produce the whole thing, but I have def moved away from it. Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven’t read any. Maybe I’m a pussy baby piece-o-shit, but I DID NOT want to go down that rabbit hole, NO MA’AM. Favourite moments:

Discovering the Hunicast podcast. These guys are a riot and Ashley is a flustered GEM. Even if you don’t watch the show, go watch an episode of these fucking LADS just dicking about and your day will get better.

Watching the first episode with my partner and watching him realize his girlfriend is a total freak.

January 2020 Lore Olympus (Webtoon Comic)

*Officially* discovered this one thanksgiving weekend in 2019, but my Arcana phase was still raging pretty strong at that point so I didn’t really get in to it until later. EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER NEEDS TO READ IT. It has everything and handles the reality sexual assault and it’s aftermath EXTREMELY well.

Joined the fandom: Late November 2019 Obsession peaked: January 2020 Fandom friends: KELLEY. MA GIRL XOXOXO Obsession faded: June-ish 2020. I’m like 10 chapters behind now, but I still love this story so much. Fanfics you NEED to read: SO MANY ON MY ‘MARKED FOR LATER’ LIST AAAAAH. I have to get to that... NEW YEARS RESOLUTION lol Favourite moments: Having a drunk conversation on New Years Eve in 2019 with one of my oldest friends from high school about how much she loved it too. Helped me see how popular fandom and fandoms, are especially after feeling like I needed to hide my enthusiasm through high school and uni. (THAT WAS A MISTAKE BUT I’LL GET THERE IN A MINUTE).

February 2020 Versailles (TV Series)

SO FUCKING GAY Y’ALL. Oh my god everyone in this show is so gay. Even when they’re not they still are a little bit. AND BEST OF ALL!! it’s very historically accurate (except for the demon satanic nonsense in season 3, what was that???)

Joined the fandom: February 2020 Obsession peaked: Like??? The SECOND I finished episode one. Fandom friends: none... WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU??? Obsession faded: March 2020. It was a fast and passionate love affair, what can I say? Fanfics you NEED to read: IF YOU HAVE RECS, GIVE ‘EM TO MEEEEE. Favourite moments: 

Showing the first episode to a friend of mine and the *ungodly GASP* that came out of her throat was... PRICELESS.

The ENTIRE throuple(???) relationship between the Chevalier, Philipe, and Palatine. PLATONIC/ ROMANTIC LOVE G O A L S.

March 2020 Yuri!!! On Ice (TV Series)

*deep breath* ...y’all knew this one was coming.

Was I ready for this show to ruin my fucking life? No.  Am I so glad it happened??? FUCK YEAH.

NEVER IN MY LIFE have I fallen off the deep end so quickly with a fandom. HOLY SHIT. This blog didn’t have much of an “identity” before, but I you said that this is a Yuri On Ice blog now I wouldn’t even be mad (nor could I really defend myself to the contrary... bc??? like??? just go LOOK at my archive). Craziest thing is I watched the first two episodes like?? a solid TWO YEARS ago, but I didn’t continue watching because I was just not in the right head space for all the love and silliness and positivity.

I could do a whole separate post about how much this show and how this fandom has changed my life (DON’T TEMPT ME I JUST MIGHT). But I’ll stick with the highlights for now ;)

Joined the fandom: March 2020  Obsession peaked: Has it peaked?? Went straight up and it still going lol Fandom friends: Sandra, my mentor, my queen @aeriamamaduck, my fandom ride-or-die. Thank you for taking this internet bby under your wing. RACHEL @idancewiththefairies I TRAPPED YOU HERE. MUAHAHAHA xxx Obsession faded: ON GOING. CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP. Fanfics you NEED to read: jfc, SO MANY.

‘Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches’ and ‘Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts’ by Reiya @kazliin​ -- Rivals AU companion pieces. Longest fics I’ve ever read and JESUS CHRIST these two fucking SENT ME. Most popular YOI fics on AO3 for a REASON.

‘Tell Me Where Your Love Lies’ by @aeriamamaduck -- Royalty AU, trope-breaking ABO. Ah sweet, TMWYLL, how you’ve killed me over and over again. This BEAUTIFUL wip has SUCH amazing world-building idk where to start (Congrats on passing 50,000 hits!) EVERYONE GO READ IT.

‘Blackbird’ by sixpences -- WWII/Coldwar Spy Fic. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this is. It’s elevated to a higher plane beyond fanfic. Just go read it. Thank me later.

‘Zanka’ by rinsled05 @dreaming-fireflies -- The geisha fic that ruined me. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH *gasp* I’m fine. lol I sooooo not ready for this fic. Holy hell, Aoyagi had my heart in his hands from the first chapter. “’Please’ [...] ‘Don’t give me hope.’“ FUUUUCK.

‘Echoes’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Future fic. First fic I cried at... BOI. I was NOT ready for this. Shouldn’t be surprised given the author, but MAN. “‘A love like that, a love like what they had together, it never leaves completely.’ Yuri spoke again, eyes still staring out onto the ice, lost in memory. ‘There are always echoes.’” JUST FUCK ME UP.

Favourite moments: Oh good lord, where do I begin??

Having two (count ‘em TWO) main characters with mental health issues (Yuuri and his anxiety and Victor with burn out and depression) and NOT MAKING IT THE ONLY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITY. CLAPS FOR KUBO AND YAMAMOTO!!

Everything about Yurio (ESPECIALLY HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YUUKO AND HIS GRANDPA), that tsundere motherfucker is too pure for this world.

THE KISS. THE PROPOSAL. MY HEART WASN’T READY. AAAAAH!!

This fandom *properly* introducing me to smut on AO3...

Thinking I was going to get Rachel to like the show... NOT being prepared for her to fall off the deep end and START LIKING REAL SKATING TOO!!

Staying up waaaaaay too late waaaaaay too often to plan out plot points for TMWYLL with Sandra. Love ya dearie.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get every time I think about Victor and Yuuri.

April 2020 Bungou Stray Dogs (TV Series)

I had a hunch I was gonna like this show considering ALL of the characters are based off of famous classic authors from around the world... what I was NOT prepared for was just HOW MUCH I was going to love it. HOLY SHIT. The art style? Love it. The plot?? Bonkers, but so fun. THE VOICE CAST??? AMAZING. Highly recommend to anyone who wants to get in to anime, great place to start.

Joined the fandom: April 2020 Obsession peaked: Probably this summer? But we have DEF plateaued in a VERY high place. Fandom friends: FIJI. MA BOIIIII @lil-1nsane  Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Hope it doesn’t Fanfics you NEED to read: So so so many. The smut in this fandom is *chef’s kiss*, but here are a few...

‘He Works Hard For the Money’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- Sugar Daddy AU. FUCK MAN. I was not expecting to like this one, but bloody hell. This fic grabbed me by the throat and WOULD NOT let me go. Praying for chapter 16! But the author is working on another STELLAR fic so I’m okay for now.

‘Everything or Nothing’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019​ -- University AU. FUCK THIS FIC. Started reading it as I was waiting for HWHFTM to update and BOI, this fic ROCKS. The alternating POV fits so well with the enemies/idiots-to-lovers vibe. Solid 10 outta 10.

‘The City Where Wind Blows’ by @raven-rein​ -- Cancer Death fic. *pained shriek* AAAAAAGUUUUUUUHHHH *gasp* aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, FUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK MEEEEE. THIS FIC. Only the second fic I’ve ever cried to but I BAWLED MY GODDAMN EYES OUT. FUUUUUUUCK. I was not ready, never would have been ready. This is so tremendously well done, it killed me so beautifully, 

‘Haunted by Hatred’ by DeathBelle -- Canon compliant Soukoku. It is a CRIME that DeathBelle doesn’t have more BSD fics on her page, but this one is still brilliant.

Favourite moments:

THE CHUUYA-DAZAI MAFIA REUNION TEAM UP WHEN THEY FIGHT LOVECRAFT. Ooof. BOI. We love it.

The first three episodes. Soooo many break neck plot twists.

Every insane hypothetical conversation with Fiji.

Every time Atsushi or Tanizaki is on screen bc I LOVE THESE LIL BEANS.

June 2020 Trash Taste (Podcast)

Goddamn I love these chaotic lads so much.

As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my love for anime I stumbled upon these three goons, -- Joey, Connor, and Garnt, -- best known for there SUPER successful (mostly) anime YouTube channels. Even if you don’t watch anime, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST. The focus is mostly on their lives and the overall expat/immigrant experience, with a bit of anecdotal anime references sprinkled in. 

This show is both wholesome and heathenous in equal measure, and after having lived abroad for a significant portion of my (admittedly still quite short) life, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear people talk so openly about how living outside your home country is both wonderful and terrifying. They’re wonderfully candid about the fact that even if you love a place dearly, no where is perfect, and you WILL hate somethings about your new home even if the majority of the experience is fantastic. I cannot rate this show highly enough.

Joined the fandom: June 5th 2020, loved it from the first episode. Obsession peaked: July maybe? I was RELIGIOUS about watching the episodes as soon as they came out. Still watch every week, but less “on time.” Fandom friends: None :( but I have tricked my partner in to listening several times :) Obsession faded: It’s dimmed from where it was, but still going strong. Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE. NEVER PLAN TO. Hard and fast rule, I don’t read fics about real people. Characters played by real people, even that’s a maybe for me. But real-real people? FUCK NO. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Any time Garnt and Connor get into a big-brain-monkey-brain argument and Joey is just LOSING his GODDAMN MIND in the corner.

Bringing a retired Japanese porn star in the show for an honest conversation about consensual sex work and showing people can have more than one career in life.

Everything about the, ‘Are Online Friends Real Friends?’ episode. GO WATCH IT, it’s brilliant.

Garnt making “chotto-THE-FUCKING-matte” an expression

August 2020 Great Pretender (TV Series)

Spent most of the summer marinating in my BSD and YOI bubbles, until THIS BAD BOI came up on my Netflix recommendations. HOOOO BOI. This is some Anime Of The Year shit right here. Has a pretty original concept (Catch Me If You Can by way of Oceans 11-ish) but generally starts out like most other shounen (sans the super powers). AND THEN EPISODE FIVE HAPPENS. Not gonna spoil it but they TOOK THAT SHIT UP A NOTCH. Brilliant, even with a bit of an insane ending. GO WATCH THIS ONE.

Joined the fandom: August 2020 Obsession peaked: Pretty much as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: What’s up Fiji ;) @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Naturally faded, but so glad I watched Fanfics you NEED to read: None so far! Little scared about this one, heard mixed reviews, but maybe someday. Favourite moments:

Edamame’s “madness arc” at the end of season 2. HOOOO BOY.

Laurent getting fucking WRECKED when Edamame punches him mid way through season 2, kills me every time.

Introducing my partner to anime with this show.

October 2020 Attack on Titan (TV Series)

RETURN OF THE KING. lol

In my quest to find an anime that I can watch with my partner, I turned on season 1 of this bad boi. Holy hell I forgot how much I loved this show, NO WONDER everyone lost their goddamn minds when this show first aired. I NEED to catch up before all the season four spoilers come to get me...

Joined the fandom: Winter 2016 Obsession peaked: Basically as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: None yet, but I know you’re out there... Obsession faded: 2017, JUST BEFORE SEASON TWO... I should have stuck around longer I know, but it’s slowly coming back. Reeeeeally need to catch up on seasons two, three, and four. Fanfics you NEED to read: GIVE ME YOUR RECS HEATHENS. Favourite moments:

Watching my partner FREAK OUT about Eren’s “death.”

EVERYTHING ABOUT POTATO GORL! lol

Getting in a conversation with a die hard fan after I hadn’t watched it in three years and saying... “Who’s that blond bitch that cries all the time?”/ “Armin?”/ “THAT’S THE ONE!”

November 2020... kind of. Figure Skating (Sport)

Okay this one is a bit hard to explain. 

I have been a DIE HARD figure skating for A LOOOOOONG time. My grandmother got me a hat from the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and I remember watching even then. But I first became consciously aware of different skaters, my faves, etc. from about 2010. I vividly remember watching Plushenko skating in 2014 while on a school trip to Hawaii, and my friends laughing at me as I yelled at the TV.

But I didn’t TRULY get involved in the fandom side of it until this year. I had all this knowledge bottled up, but didn’t have any skating friends to talk to... UNTIL NOW. Super ironic that this happened in a year with almost NO skating, but I’ll take what I can get ;) Also did I stay up until FOUR-GODDAMN-THIRTY IN THE MORNING a few nights ago to stream Japanese Nationals on my phone??? YOU BET I DID.

Joined the fandom: Three times; 2002, 2010, and 2020. Obsession peaked: 2014? 2018? Idk it peaks any time someone does something amazing. Fandom friends: Rachel, my girl @idancewiththefairies​, WHY DIDN’T I INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS SOONER??? Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Won’t. lol Fanfics you NEED to read: NOPE. NONE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. No fanfics about real people. Never gonna change that. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir doing THAT routine at the 2018 Olympics.

Rachel​ sheepishly admitting to me that Shoma may have replaced Yuzu as her favourite, and me being SO DAMN PROUD of her for growing and developing her own skating opinions apart from me.

Yuzu’s 2012 ‘Romeo and Juliet’ routine and Worlds. THE RAW FUCKING POWER OF THAT SKATE.

Plushenko, cheeky bastard, changing his 2014 Team Event routine AS IT WAS HAPPENING.

The worlds friendliest rivalry between Yuzu and Nathan.

Any thing the Shibutani’s do, and all they do to break up the stereotype that all of Ice Dancing has to be rOmAnTiC and SeNsUaL to be good.

Watching my early faves become coaches and the D R A M A.

Honorable Mentions:

Coco (Film): I watched this the weekend I came home and I owe this movie a lot. It is so sweet an heartwarming, and it a roundabout way it brought me back to Tumblr (needed somewhere to vent my feelings considering I watched the movie a solid THREE YEARS after it came out, Tumblr seemed like the place to go lol). Watched in again in 2020 and it’s just as amazing.

Jekyll and Hyde (All media): Loved this book from the first time I read it in my first year of uni. But in December 2019, my fandom understanding reached its PEAK. The musical?? The comic?? YOOOOOO.

Dear Evan Hansen (Musical): I have BARELY engaged in fandom discourse, but the MUSIC. She fucking SLAPS.

Sirius the Jaeger (TV Series): This show is such an underrated gem. It literally has so much; "dead” family drama? Eclectic international group of monster hunters? Cowboys and vampires?? Yes, yes, and YES. And the main character has the same Japanese voice actor as Atsushi from BSD!

Studio Ghilbi (Films): My love affair with Ghibli goes back to when I was about 5 and BEGGED my mom to take me to the library so we could rent Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD. But that love has been FULLY rejuvenated this year when I went to the Ghibli Film Festival in New York City (ironically in the last week in February). If you haven’t seen them, go watch From Up On Poppy Hill, Whisper of the Heart, and The Wind Rises. Spoilers, you’re probably gonna cry.

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU FOR READING! 

And thank you to all the amazing people that made my 2020 not so horrible. Good riddance 2020, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

[leather-n-laces]

in case you missed it: my 2020

so I’ve been gone for like...a year almost. I did log on time to time to respond to messages bc I didn’t want to ghost anyone. Some of you know what’s up, others dont so if you’re curious. 

THE BAD

2020 was a bad bad bad year personally. LIKE BAD. Shit with my family culminated in me and my bf almost being homeless because my mother was upset that sometimes I would make dinner for just my boyfriend and she would have to cook for herself/my father. SO just getting that out of the way right off. I wont be listing individual instances bc ew.

march 2020: fell, fractured my knee cap - I get a not so great doctor

mid march 2020: ontario goes into a state of emergency due to covid, every closes for a month. I can’t walk ( in a zimmer splint ) and everything is closed. Literally everything

june 2020: I’m walking without the cast now but ouchie. I have atrophied muscles in leg/knee, still can’t get in touch with a doctor. Since COVID numbers aren’t really going down and I’m in the ‘at risk category’ due to pre-existing conditions, I’m still on lockdown. My dog also underwent emergency surgery to remove a tumor growing on her abdomen. 

july-august 2020: finally get to see the doctor, told I need A LOT of physio. I’m not covered and not having worked, couldn’t afford the $1k it would cost. By this time I am also severely, severely depressed. I’m either not eating or binge eating, not sleeping, I spend most every day in a state of panic over everything. I do not/cannot start physio but I also cannot work a 8hr shift on this leg

august-october 2020: tbh this is kind of a blur. We got a vehicle finally. finally. see above re: my family is mental this was a big deal. My depression was easily at its worst. I’m not working, can’t do physio, scared of going back to work without it. I was a wreck. I was also getting tired of of being a wreck. I talk to some close friends on going on antidepressants.

thanksgiving 2020: I talk to my doctor and she says it sounds like I could benefit from antidepressants and I start a prescription. Jersey ( my little dog who had surgery in the spring) is sick with a minor infection. 

november 2020: it’s like a fog has lifted and I feel...human. For the first time in my whole life I feel normal. I’m on my full dosage now and my mood has stabilized. I can FUNCTION. I don’t panic about things as much, I’m calmer, I can ‘control’ my thoughts infinitely better and even on the bad days intrusive thoughts are gone or just barely there.

december 2020: we’re tackling my sleep now, still not working (sort of due to fear) jersey is sick. The week before Christmas I end up having to put Jersey down. She went in for constipation, but after having a battery of tests and x-rays done the vet discovered her lungs were filled with tumors. She’s 13 and another surgery would be extremely extremely expensive not to mention incredibly difficult for her, if she survived it her quality of life would be next to none. 

christmas 2020: my bf and I have to get tested for COVID because I’m sick. (we were both negative) 

---

I’m not back at work yet. Honestly, I’m kind of scared at this point because I’ve been gone so long. I’m really worried about going back but I think that’s normal. I have to rip the bandaid off eventually though. My goal is to be back working by the end of February (assuming I’m healthy) I’m a bit worried about having to pay taxes but my boyfriends already committed helping me pay back the CERB (government relief which was taxable...) I’d gotten. Sadly we couldn’t save as much of it as I had hoped. 

thanks to my medication I’m able to...do things. I stick to a routine, I go to sleep before 1am most nights (that’s a big change for me, believe me), my room is clean for the longest it’s been in my life. I’m showering, I’m taking care of my skin. These are all super insane massive deals to me. I’m mentally in such a better spot, I’m even considering getting a pet. For the last few years 6+  I haven’t even owned fish. I had the dogs but I wouldn’t let myself get anything for fear of not being able to look after it. 

Well now I’m looking into getting a crested gecko. I’m hoping I can make this happen relatively soon (as we’re going to be in lockdown until my birthday at least) but we’ll see. I’m in a better place now. My living arrangements haven’t changed sadly, but I’m handling it better. Once I’m working again I can start actively saving and hopefully within a  year or two at most, we can get out of here. 

[yikesola]

Hospital Update—

howdy! did i emo post about feeling sick and going home from work and then didn’t post for a few days except to complain and say “i’m okay! i’m in hospital but i’m okay” 😦

oops, i guess i did

so if i worried you with that i’m truly sorry, and i want to emphasize the i’m okay bits of this story and the fact that i am still definitely okay but still definitely shook up and exhausted and processing that this week even really happened. so i’m gonna try to go over what went down and y’all aren’t allowed to make fun of me if it’s not as funny as my usual writing, deal? deal!🥰 i just have had a verrry shitty time with the fact that so much that happened is a blur and i kinda depend a lot on my interpretation of events, and i want to write it down so i have some kind of record before i lose even more details— and that can mean that while writing this out it’s gonna actually be a litttle tmi, and more medical mumbo jumbo than you care about, but hey what level of social media isn’t dripping in performativity? what else am i gonna do, besides type this out? watch more family feud? wait for my next potassium horsepill?

so i legit just thought i had a flu last week, thought i’d need to just sleep off the nausea and fever and body aches and tummy troubles, have some soup, have some sprite and gatorade, have some saltines, have some tylenol. i had been complaining for a few days about not feeling well and thought that’d be the worst of it as i never really get sick and when i do i never do much about it other than being a pioneer woman and suffering through it. and this post would be soooooo boring if that were the case— don’t worry, it was not the flu.

so something cracked in my blood after i went to sleep to try to feel better, and my body did that autoimmune thing that bodies do where it said “hey..... something’s trying to kill us. what if we died first?? that’ll show em!” and my blood platelets started eating themselves. not ,, good.....

meanwhile it was the next morning and i was supposed to get ready for work but i still felt like shit (because my body was torpedoing itself) so my dear memere coming to check up on me saw me wild and vomit-strewen, except i wasn’t actually wild at all i was just shutting down blood-utilizing organ by one and imagining that i was this wild Romantic mrs rochester in my burning nightgown while my aunt and memere quibbled over whether they could get me into the car to try urgent care. in my haze i heard that and my dumb ass was like “is it that necessary??” and luckily my dumb mouth wasn’t functioning at the time bc she didn’t say nothing and instead my relatives called an ambulance. our little mountain town has its own hospital, that’s a nice part of the story! it’s a nice little hospital!

the paramedic was lovely and tried to get me sweatpants because it’s november. i didn’t listen to her because my fever was insane and i was more concerned with making sure my cats weren’t in the way of the gurney 🤪#yikesolabranding

i had the same paramedic in the ambulance with me when they sent me to the hospital in the big city and i spent the whole 90 minute drive talking about how much i love those fucking cats

that’s beside the point, but i want to be clear about who i am at my core apparently, always talking about the gals 😻

so i get to the hospital and this is the first black out. i guess technically second because of when it all started, but let’s pick up with me waking up in the hospital. i have nine plasma. i have a fever of 105. i’m being given a blood transfusion, thanks high schoolers who wanted to get out of running the mile in PE that day!

they throw their dartboard tests and decide i have TTP—

basically, they just need to trick my blood into calling off the attack. how are they gonna do that? they’re gonna confuse the blood, overwhelm it, overcrowd it. they’re gonna get me to the fancy city hospital and treat my veins like frosting piping bags.

it’s snowing— no helicopter for me. i have a catheter at this point btw, and this is one of the parts that i know is tmi but ....... ladies and friends, y’all ever had a catheter?? 😩🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪 i’m dying and legit think i’d rather piss myself to death, it hurts that bad. we take an ambulance down to the valley, i complain enough about the catheter that they finally take it out for which i apologize incessantly (something that’s probably more annoying than the original complaining but i could die in my own piss comfortable and happy so whatever let’s not worry about it.) i pass out again.

i wake up in ICU. i’m assured i am neither pregnant nor have AIDS. good news✌️ especially considering some family history i won’t dive into here. they’re saying the catheter word again and that scares me bc ow, but don’t worry! this one is going in my neck :) it’s how we’re gonna save my life—

we pump thirteen (13) bags of plasma into my neck via dialysis. it works so well they decide they’re gonna do it for a week! i am weeping through the entire 90 minute procedure btw, and apologizing for it. i’m a Fun Patient!

i pass out again.

i wake up to another assurance that i am still unpregnant and don’t have AIDS. hmmm glad those ones stick!

my aunt is begging me to rub my two brain cells together so i can unlock my phone. i do, which is interesting considering when asked the year i repeatedly answer 1992 and 1994. but my 4digit phone passcode? try and wipe that from me, bitch ass stroke

my aunt calls my dad. he is less of a jerk than he could be :) he thinks my uninsured ass should move to the hospital he works at in california. fucking comedian

i text some friends waiting in my hospital bed. it’s a messy text. if you’re a friend who got one of those texts, bless your reading comprehension abilities and please know that my intention was to say something like “i don’t want to worry you, I’ve checked into the hospital but am okay” but it was like in pooh’s grand adventure when pooh bear spilt honey all over christopher robin’s note that literally said “DONT worry about me, i’m NOT going far away” and read it as “worry about me, i’m going far away” and basically i should’ve taken the opportunity to pass out again instead of trying to text lol

i did call one friend instead of text and she was at dinner with her husband, so sent a little “call you back later!” before listening to the voicemail and the poor dear felt very bad for blowing me off, though i promise i did not feel blown off, i shouldn’t have called at dinner time like a damn telemarketer!

so i wake up again and it’s been two days 😞😞 whoopsie! they’ve done more plasma, i’m stable, and my brain is coming back. I’m BORED. i’m trapped in my body and can’t move and in incredible pain! i’m covered in bruises. i’ve vomited on myself. it’s time to pump me with more plasma. while they’re doing the 40min prep work for that, i am drenched in confusion, like that camouflage spell in hp5. i start screaming apologies (even when my brain is broke i can apologize, social feminization is a hell of a drug) to my doctors who ask me who the president is and i become the “don’t make me say it” meme. that made us all feel a little better.

they pump their plasma. my episode passes. i have a violet allergic reaction all over my body. they pump some benadryl. it goes away.

i can eat solid food! by “solid food” i mean strawberry jello. they tell me to order food of more substance. i order a meatloaf, and pass out before it arrives. i feel bad, eat it cold. i have Never had a better meatloaf, although if i’m being perfectly honest she was closer to a salisbury steak. genuilnely, *chefs kiss*

it’s day five, it’s time for me to leave the ICU. this fancy new room has a toilet :) and a shower! i finally get that vomit out of my hair. my aunt brings me my glasses; they’ve been on my bedside table this whole time

day six is a petulant day ..... idk why but my neck catheter was killing worse than usual and the plasma treatments had been slowly getting more bearable but then this day ,, wasn’t. and suddenly this all felt like a lot of hoops to jump through. and i had some “this isn’t fair🥺” moping as though not being dead isn’t wicked cool enough on its own. whatever, i’m feeling a lot better today, and y’all were really nice about my grumbling so thank you for that, without an ouce of facetiousness🥰

day seven, thanksgiving! i’m finally awake early enough for breakfast. i have fruit loops and laugh at mr amazing’s pain. i have hospital turkey for thanksgiving. it’s as bad as hospital turkey has to be, i can’t blame it for that. my memere sends two blank text messages. she’s 84, so i interpret them as “happy turkey day” and “love you”

i have what is supposed to be my last plasma treatment. before they pull my neck catheter out, they decide it willl not be. i’ll have at least one more in the morning. they’re still not comfortable, but i don’t cry through all 90minutes now. only like ,, 70 minutes of it🤙 maybe i’ll break under an hour tomorrow.

that’s all for now— at this time discharge is looking like monday or tuesday. my TTP recovery is likely, just a matter of time. i’m having a really hard time looking at my phone screeen (typing this has taken on and off 4hrs of dizzy and break) but so look forward to getting back into things that make me happy like japhan content and all the fests and kiss prompts i was working on before this. thanks for listening to this poor approximation of what i remember of my hospital experience! ✨✨🥰 sorry idk how to add a damn read more

[freakymysty]

Late night ramblings:

I hate hanging out at my sister’s house bc it feels like it always plays out in the same boring way: we get there for some meal, the girls immediately want to go outside to play with neighborhood friends afterward and then it just turns into hanging out in the driveway watching her and her husband talk to their neighbors who I don’t really give a shit about and I’m just sitting there bored and feeling awkward bc I literally have nothing to say to them. Or if the adults in the neighborhood aren’t out they’ll sit out there for 30 mins with us then just abandon us to watch the kids while they go inside to hang out by themselves and my mom never says anything about it so I feel like I’m the only one taking that kind of personally. Or if we for some reason don’t all go outside it still ends up that after the bare minimum time spent with us they quietly disappear into their bedroom and literally close the door to hang out by themselves and we’re just supposed to play with the girls alone. The only time I feel like we’re all together is if we’re watching tv but I don’t understand why we can’t do anything fun like play a game or something. Then I just get pissed off and want to leave the whole time but my mom insists on staying for hours even tho it feels like a huge waste of time. I’d rather be bored at home. We were there for literally 8 hours and didn’t do a damn thing other than sit outside watching the girls play while they were inside basically ignoring us. And it was Mother’s Day so I feel like they could’ve put more effort into trying to play a game as a family or something but whatever.

The fact that this happens exactly the same way every single time makes me hate hanging out with my own family and I don’t like feeling like that but it feels like literally nothing is ever going to change. I can’t tell my mom to go over there without me bc that’ll just make everyone mad at me and then I’ll be the bad guy. I’ve already tried a couple of times just staying home during like 1 small event and it feels like it gets turned into a huge deal and I’m suddenly the worst person ever for wanting a tiny bit of time to myself. Like a couple of years ago during thanksgiving I decided to leave a little bit early to go home (after being there for literally 8 hours again and luckily I had my own car with me for once) and relax a bit before my mom and aunt and uncle came home after me bc my aunt is a giant pain in the butt to deal with and literally everyone looked at me like I was insane for leaving. My aunt was snippy and dramatic after they got home and my mom got all huffy and threw a ridiculous fit over some stupid thing and it was all just because I decided to leave 1 hour earlier than usual. Then when my aunt visits I try to send them off to do shopping by themselves and every time they act really fucking dramatic that I don’t want to go watch them try on clothes for 6 hours. Like why is it so important that I’m there when you aren’t even really including me in anything or making anything fun? But then my mom never says anything about my sister locking herself away in her bedroom and treating us like free babysitting every time we go over so it feels unfair that me trying to carve out a tiny sliver of time to myself is such a horrible thing to do.

I’ve just reached a breaking point after being stuck in a small house with my mother 24/7 last year bc of the pandemic. She works from home now and I lost my job and was avoiding applying anywhere so I wouldn’t catch COVID and give it to her. But now that we’re both fully vaccinated I’m ready to just find whatever I can take and get out of the house for a few hours a day, especially since my mom still isn’t going back to the office for the foreseeable future. And I’m honestly ready to move out to my own apartment and start trying to live my own life bc I feel so constricted by this expectation my family has that I be constantly available even tho we literally never do anything and I feel suffocated by the boredom. I’ve been daydreaming about moving to another state to get away from them for a while. I’ve never even lived on my own tho so I feel like that is drastic but then it feels like even if I get my own apartment here I’m still going to be expected to drop everything to hang out all the time or they’ll constantly find a way to have the girls sleepover at my apartment every other weekend. Then I tell myself to calm down, take it one step at a time. Get a job here first, get an apartment, live on my own for like a year, then start exploring ways to move to another state if I’m still miserable. And I’m so anxiety-riddled with the mere thought of having to apply for jobs and do interviews that it’s ridiculous I think I can move to a whole new state out of the blue. I need to start with a job.

I really needed to type all that out somewhere.

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

March 24th, 2017 (I’m just doing dates now, no more post #s)

12:17am (3/25)

I figured I should start this back up again because I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings lately and I need somewhere to put them (express them?) or else I will actually go insane. Dad and Bobbie come back in like 3 weeks, so at this point I guess I’ve had the house to myself for what like 2 months? I guess around that. It’s been interesting. Honestly I really do like living alone and one of the reasons why I’ve been hesitant about telling people about how depressed I’ve been is because I don’t want them to think it’s because of me living alone because honestly I can feel this way anywhere. I have felt this way anywhere and it’s a hell of a lot worse to feel this way surrounded about super happy people because then I just wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Talking to Bobbie today and yesterday helped, it’s nice that now she (and I’m guessing Dad now too because she probably talked to him about it) now know that I like legit have depression and it’s not just me feeling down sometimes or whatever else I used to say. The worst part is that I’m in such a transitional stage right now (that feel pretentious to type but it’s true) where I’m letting go of things from my old life and trying to figure out things from my new life and everything feels kind of scattered and far away and I’m just here in this house by myself being like wait what is happening. And I miss people all the time. Everyone feels so far away from me. I can visit them, but that’s it, you know. It’s like oh cool wow I’ve missed you so much, we’re gonna get caught up on each other’s lives and then it’s just okay cool bye again I guess. I miss having really close people here. With me. People I can call up and see in ten minutes instead of planning out a trip or a phone call or something that doesn’t last very long and just leaves me unsatisfied? Not that exactly, but something like that. It leaves me feeling kinda empty so I guess unsatisfied works. It’s like what I told Bobbie on the phone, everything I’ve been doing lately has felt like a distraction from what I’m feeling so everything feels- oh my god I can’t think of any words right now, this is so annoying. Not superficial, it’s a word like that. It starts with an s also...unsustainable? That doesn’t start with an s, but I guess that’s the word I’m looking for? Well yeah, unsustainable. It’s all fleeting. Everything’s a distraction and then the distraction is over and I’m left with this empty feeling. Wow nice. Super up-lifting. This is like textbook depression right here. It’s been coming in waves, but now it’s gotten to the underlying stage where it feels like it doesn’t really go away. Or it does and my mood lifts, but then it comes back down to it again. That’s what it was like over summer and last semester. I honestly just really want to talk to Bonny. That’s why I was going to go to Humboldt and I’m really happy I didn’t because it was definitely a way better idea to stay here and take care of myself, but part of me just keeps thinking that I need to call her and talk to her about everything. Because the last couple times we’ve talked I haven’t really told her how shitty I’ve been feeling. I kind of did when I told her I wasn’t coming up to Humboldt, but I thought she had to go to class, so I kept the conversation short and she told me I should take a bath and watch some good movies and relax and I said sure, but I didn’t say that this isn’t the kind of thing that baths and movies and regular “self-care” help because it’s all much worse than that. Every time I call her though I feel like I’m taking time away from her doing better things or getting in the way and I hate that feeling so much. Because then I feel like a burden and I really can’t stand that feeling. It might be my least favorite feeling in the world. Right up there with rejection. I just miss having that go-to person to call whenever. I miss Jazlyn. I really don’t know if we’ll ever go back to being that close again, but I really want us to. It just keeps not working out though. I don’t know if we’re too similar or she’s too flaky or I’m too passive aggressive or what, but I hate it. I hate this feeling of constantly missing people and not knowing if they really do miss me. At least not as much as I miss them. A couple summers ago, I guess it was summer after junior year because it was right in the middle of when Jazlyn and I were really drifting apart, I remember she came over and we updated each other on everything that we’d been missing in each other’s lives and it felt like the scene in Gilmore Girls when Rory and Lorelei start talking again and I felt like part of me that was missing was there again. And it felt that way when we saw each other over Thanksgiving break again too and I was so happy because it felt like we were finally friends again, but then it kept not working for us to see each other over winter break and I then I left for Kauai without telling her which I do still feel shitty about bc it was a little passive aggressive I feel but I was also just overly overwhelmed by that whole trip, and now I’ve been trying just to be able to talk to her on the phone for at least a little to catch up and it just keeps not working at all. And I get that she’s busy, I totally get that, but I just miss my best friend, that’s all. I miss her and Bonny so much. And I miss Caitlin and Krissy and Maya. It was nice to see Nik and Reggie last night, but that also felt fleeting. We went out for some drinks and it was great, but then Reggie had to drive back to Sonoma and I crashed at Nik’s house and left at like 6 in the morning and then came back here and was right back to where I started again. Back to missing people and feeling so very far away from everyone. And I am trying. I went through my clothes tonight and I’m going to research places to donate them tomorrow and I’m going to go on a run and try to start being productive again. I’m not going to sit on the couch and watch netflix all the time even though that’s so much easier than trying to be a person. I guess I’ll call Bonny soon. I just feel like I need to tell her all of this. Whenever I do talk about things, I feel like I just talk around the issues though and I need to stop doing that. I need to learn how to ask people for help. Really ask them. Not drop hints and hope they’ll notice. Not lie and say I’m tired or just kind of out of it instead of telling them that I’m just really not okay. That’s what’s wrong, that’s it. It’s easier when you can text someone with a specific problem and say I’m freaking out over this and they reply and talk you through it and then you’re like cool done. But with this, it’s like we talk, catch up, then the conversation ends and I’m like why do I still feel like shit. And I was thinking that it wasn’t enough, that I was being bitter or jealous that she was doing all these cool things up there while I’m alone down here, but that’s not really it. I feel shitty because I haven’t been honest. I’m so blocked up with feelings that I don’t even know where to start and sometimes they just come tumbling out when I talk to people and sometimes they just get masked over until the conversation’s over and everything comes back to me again. I don’t really know how to end this one. I feel a little better I guess, but honestly I still just kind of feel the same. Blocked up, unsure of what to do, looking for another distraction. But it’s 1:10am now and I feel like I should try to go to bed. 

Side note: Rereading all my old posts has made me realize how important it is for me to write not only because it helps get everything out, but because I can look back on it later and now exactly how I was feeling then on that specific date. So much of my time nowadays is spent second-guessing what is going on inside of my head because I honestly don’t trust my brain anymore. When I look back on parts of my life, I don’t know what to really believe about them. Because the depression part of my brain tells me that my whole life is miserable and I don’t deserve to be happy, the nostalgia part of my brain romanticizes the past and tells me that everything was perfect back then, and the anxiety part of my brain just chooses random things to panic over to remind me that it’s still there in case I’ve forgotten about it. And especially with Mom and Misha, there’s been so many times where they act all reasonable and understanding and then I’m left wondering if I made everything up in my head about things that happened in the past and maybe I’m just being overly sensitive (which I’m pretty sure is a lowkey form of gaslighting by the way bc the whole point is that you manipulate the person and then actively deny it afterwards so that the person then questions their own memory of it and that’s definitely happened to me a fucking lot in my life). But with my own writing I can look back on a date and say no that’s exactly how I was feeling that day. Like there’s writings I’ve found from my darkest days of Freshman and Sophomore year of college that I’m like wow, I wrote that? I guess I did have good days. And then there’s stuff from some summer/winter breaks that I remember being wonderful, but when I read now I can see the signs of clinical depression starting to form. It’s just really interesting writing things and looking back on them and I really feel that writing is going to help me right now. I think it’s the most therapeutic and caring thing I can do for myself. Especially right now, but also in my whole life. 

So my two major 2017 & overall life goals: 

1. Honesty. 

2. Write something every day. Even if it’s small, just get it out of your head and onto the page.