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naughtyneganjdm · 1 year

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On the Run - Chapter 10

Summary: At Bill’s home, the group recuperates and the time they spend there brings back painful memories for Y/N while she deals with the loss of losing her best friend.

Characters: Joel Miller (The Last of Us), Negan (The Walking Dead), the reader (OC, third person), Bill (The Last of Us), Frank (The Last of Us), etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47007172/chapters/121849411

Warnings: Swearing, severe angst, talks about some heavy topics, etc.

Notes: This chapter was supposed to go very differently, but my brain decided to write it very different. I’m just trying really hard to get this story done so I can say it’s done. Thanks to anyone that reads it.

Trusting two strangers was the last thing Y/N wanted to do right now, but it was all she could do. Sitting in the corner of Bill’s living room, she kept her eyes on Bill who was standing at the corner while both Joel and Frank tended to Negan. Beyond stressed would be how she would describe Bill’s demeanor right now. He didn’t want them there and she wished she didn’t have to be there.

“What the three of you need the most right now is to get cleaned up, wrapped up, medicated and rest,” Frank explained, moving away from Negan to rub his hands together with an unnerving breath. “We’ll get you moved into the guest room where you can get comfortable. Unfortunately we don’t have more than one room, but the bed is a king size and I think the three of you need to get some rest where you are comfortable.”

“We can’t keep them here,” Bill snapped making Frank fold his arms in front of his chest to turn and glare out at his obvious significant other. “We could be at risk here with them here.”

“Bill, you have this house surrounded with booby traps and tons of security cameras so you know what is happening at all times. Nothing is going to get past you. We’re keeping them here,” Frank asserted pointing toward Joel and Negan that were sitting together on the couch. “These two look like they’ve been hit by a truck. If we throw them out of this house and something happens to the three of them, I’m never going to forgive myself. So let’s help them get their things in the house, do what you have to do so they can get cleaned up and then we’ll make them a dinner before letting them rest.”

“Damn it,” Bill muttered under his breath showing that it didn’t take much for him to agree and listen to Frank. Lowering his arms and nodding toward the door, Bill attempted to get Joel’s attention. “Help me get your shit to the guest bedroom.”

With a nod, Joel got up and limped out the door to follow Bill outside to the SUV. Offering up a weak smile, Frank nodded toward Negan, “You want to help me get this one in the shower so we can get his ribs wrapped and those wounds cleaned?”

“Thank you,” Y/N muttered when they worked together to get Negan up. Negan’s arms wrapped around their shoulders while Frank led them toward the stairs. It took quite some time to get Negan up the stairs and down the hallway, but once they entered the bedroom, she assumed they would be staying in she let out a questionable breath. The decorations and the way the room was put together was very classy which surprised her. “When I came into this house, this is not what I expected.”

“I thought the same thing when I met Bill, but you’ll be quite surprised by what he’s capable of,” Frank snickered urging her to follow him toward the bathroom. Once they pushed open the door, they were able to balance Negan against the counter while he braced himself with his hands. “Under the sink there are plenty of towels, razors, whatever you need. I’ll bring up the medical supplies. Have Joel wrap his ribs and help with the wounds when he’s up here.”

“He’s been taking good care of us, he’ll know what to do,” Negan grunted, his hazel eyes lifting to meet Frank’s stare. This was the most coherent Negan had been since they got there. It was nice seeing him have some kind of strength, but it was obvious he was still in significant amounts of pain. “Thank you.”

“Yeah,” Frank stood in the bathroom, his eyes gazing back and forth between Negan and Y/N. Throwing his hands up in the air, Frank cleared his throat and looked like he wanted to say something but it took some time. “I really am sorry for the things that Bill said to you on the phone a few days ago. It was wrong.”

“You don’t have to apologize for him,” Negan grunted, pulling himself up from where he was to outstretch his arm. Holding his hand out, Negan was looking to shake Frank’s hand and it shocked Frank. Accepting the gesture, Frank shook his hand and Negan gave him a weak smirk. “I am going to punch the hell out of Bill at some point though, I hope you know that. Not multiple times. Just once. Really hard.”

“I think it might be justified,” Frank tipped his head to the side with a frown making Negan’s eyebrows bounce up. That wasn’t exactly the response he was expecting from Bill’s lover. “And luckily you’re hurt so he won’t die from it.”

“There is always a positive to things,” Negan noted when Frank released his hand and back stepped. Tapping on the wall, Frank gave them a final welcoming smile before leaving them alone. Looking to Y/N, Negan could see that her worried eyes were staring out at him. Considering the way she was focusing on him, he knew that he must have looked pretty bad. “I look pretty, huh?”

“Fucking gorgeous,” she stammered, her bottom lip quivering when she stepped forward to caress over his face in a tender sweep. “You’re the one person that could get his ass kicked and you still look good. You and Joel look like you’ve been through a war and here I am. With little to nothing to complain about.”

“I’m sorry I let this happen,” Negan frowned, his thumb tracing faintly over her neck where there was some bruising before dragging his fingers up toward her cheekbone where she knew her cut was. “I should have never let him touch you.”

“He was a beast Negan,” she reminded him reaching up to wrap her fingers around his wrist, stroking her fingers over the pulse point. “I know that you would have done anything to protect me. Including almost dying.”

Lowering down, Negan pressed his forehead to hers when her fingers hooked with his. The warmth of his breath lingered over hers making her bite down on her bottom lip when she closed her eyes cherishing the warmth of him close.

“Let’s get you ready for the shower,” she breathed reaching down to start unbuttoning Negan’s shirt and his hands unsteadily reached for hers. Shaking his head, there was worry in his eyes and she felt her heart leap in her chest. At this point, with his face bruised, cut and swollen she didn’t imagine it could look much worse. Urging his hands away, she got the shirt undone pushing down the material from his body. When her eyes gazed over his abdomen, she immediately knew why Negan was trying to keep her from seeing it. Gasping out, she adjusted her positioning to look at the severe bruising that was done to Negan’s ribs, side and lower back. “Negan…”

“No…” Negan shook his head, stepping forward with a pained sound lifting both of his arms to cup her face in his hands tenderly when she started to break down after seeing what his body looked like. Seeing him this way had her crying and that was the last thing he wanted her to do. “I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“You need medical help Negan,” she traced her fingers over the discolored flesh making him let out a sharp exhale. Shakily he reached for her hands and shook his head knowing that the last thing they needed was to let people know where they were because he ended up needing medical care. “There could be some internal bleeding, something that could kill you.”

“I can tell you what’s wrong with me Y/N. After playing baseball and seeing the injuries that come from it, I’m very much aware what happened,” Negan cleared his throat, his head lowering down to look at his body. “I have broken ribs, a concussion, a broken nose and probably a bruised kidney.”

“The way you just said that like none of those things are a big deal,” she snapped at him making Negan frown when his stare lifted up to look at her with his fatigued hazel eyes. “A bruised kidney is a big fucking deal.”

“I would have died already if it’s as bad as you think it is,” Negan responded with a frown, shrugging his shoulders when he swallowed down hard. That didn’t help calm her with that thought. “We just have to pay attention to my blood pressure and I’m fairly certain this Bill guy will have something for me to check it. I’m going to guess his house is better than any safehouse we would have stayed at when it comes to your father.”

There were tears in her eyes looking at how injured he appeared to be. Moving forward, he cupped her face in his rough hands getting her to lift her head up so he could claim her lips in a kiss that made her eyes come to a tight close. The tender caress took her breath away with his thumb sweeping over her jawline.

As their lips parted, she nuzzled her nose in against his and felt him wrapping her up loosely in his arms, “I love you so much Negan.”

“I love you too,” Negan replied with a grumble, faintly brushing his lips over hers again making her tip up on her toes toward him.

Jumping, she heard the sound of someone clearing their throat and looked to see that Joel was standing in the doorway of the bathroom after she pulled away from the kiss that she was sharing with Negan. It seemed like he was jealous of the way he found them, but he was holding some clothes in his hands, “I grabbed you something comfortable for when you are done with your shower.”

“Thank you,” Negan gave her one final weak hug before moving over toward Joel to accept the clothing. Setting it on the counter, he started unsteadily pulling apart his pants with a wince.

“You need help with the shower?” Joel offered making Negan grunt under his breath and look up at Joel with a certain expression that made Joel throw his hands up. “I know how hurt you are. I’m not looking to cop a feel.”

“You wouldn’t be able to help yourself,” Negan joked with a snort, winking the one eye that wasn’t swollen making Joel grumble under his breath. “If I ever ask someone else to help me suds my ass it will be a very dark day for me. I’m sure if I need your help, you guys can hear me if you’re in the bedroom.”

“I’m going to keep the door open then,” Joel announced making Negan shrug like it didn’t bother him. Moving out of the bathroom, they both gave Negan his space when they went to sit on the edge of the bed. At first it seemed like Y/N was worried about Negan being able to get in the shower on his own until the water started up and the shower door was heard. “I told you he took the grunt of it.”

“You both look like shit,” she blurt out making Joel snort at the way she said it. “You know what I mean.”

“It’s just funny thinking about it in a different context,” Joel spun his fingers around carefully lowering himself back against the bed. Humming out, he closed his eyes and felt her laying down beside him. “I don’t even care that we all have to share a bed. It will be nice to finally sleep on something where I don’t feel every single spring. Not waking up with severe back pain as soon as I get up will be nice.”

“Honey, your upper back is bruised to shit. You’re going to have back pain for a while,” she reminded him making him chuckle when he knew that she was right. Turning his head with his eyelashes fluttering to an open, he could see that she was staring out at him with worry in her eyes. “Thank you for bringing me here. I know how much your daughter means to you. So bringing us here was a really big deal for you.”

“Of course,” Joel bit at his bottom lip, sliding his hand in closer to hers to hook their fingers together. “I don’t want you or Negan dead. I couldn’t leave you. As fucked up as it is, we’re a team. The three of us. We keep each other safe.”

“Even though you pulled a gun on him?” she pointed out making Joel groan and roll his eyes. “I can’t believe you thought it was Negan that did all of this.”

“When someone dies, you don’t know what to think,” Joel turned onto his side, reaching out to brush his fingers over the side of her face making her eyes come to a tight close. “You were so upset and I didn’t know what to think. It was the only other option that I could come up with.”

Reaching for Joel’s hand, she pulled it from her face and sat up making him frown. Pushing up, Joel noticed the way that she was crying again and he slid in closer to her, “It’s hard pretending everything is fine when I know that Poppy isn’t here anymore Joel.”

“You aren’t pretending it is fine,” Joel whispered, brushing her hair back over her shoulder. “You’re just here trying to figure out what is happening. And we’re going to. For Poppy.”

“I don’t even know what I’m going to tell her parents,” she explained clasping her fingers together in her lap. The ache at the center of her chest grew and she let out a tremoring breath. “Poppy was a mess, but she was my mess. And I’m never going to have that in my life again. I just expect her to pop in at the worst times saying the most ridiculous things…”

A weak laugh fell from her throat when she pointed at the door and let out a whimper lowering her head again. Wrapping his arms around her, Joel hugged her tightly knowing that she was going through things he would never be able to understand right now. But this had to be her way of coping while they were here.

“I’m never going to forgive myself Joel. You can say what you want, but Poppy’s death is on me. I should have just been fucking mature, but instead I wanted to piss off my father. Throw this grand party to make him angry, but he didn’t even care. If I wasn’t throwing that fucking party, she wouldn’t have even been there,” she thought aloud hating that her best friend got tied up in all of this. “I didn’t even want to be there at that party. I wanted to be with you.”

“At the same time I could blame myself that I didn’t allow you to come over that night,” Joel countered hating that she was putting so much pressure on herself from the death of her friend. “There are a lot of factors that led to what happened.”

“You had nothing to do with this. Even you, I guilted you into being there and I blame myself for that,” Y/N thought back to the night this whole thing started on her birthday. More than anything she wished she could go back in time and stop this whole thing from happening. “I just keep thinking about all the decisions I made that led to her getting killed Joel. I should have just left when I planned on leaving the day you stopped me. If I wasn’t around the three of you, Poppy would still be alive and the two of you wouldn’t be this hurt.”

“I don’t think any of us including Poppy would have been okay with leaving you,” Joel claimed with a frown, caressing his thumb over the curve of her jawline. His empathetic chocolate brown eyes were locked on hers and she felt a chill flooding her body.

“Poppy isn’t here to say that Joel,” she painfully breathed out hating to acknowledge that very thing. “I know Poppy wanted to be with me, but Poppy wouldn’t have wanted to be dead. It should have been me, not her.”

“Listen, I know you’re always going to have a hard time accepting this Y/N, but this isn’t your fault,” Joel explained with a frown, stroking his fingers over the back of her neck. “Truth is, this is the fault of the person that wants you dead. And they are going to pay for what they did.”

“He’s right,” a voice rumbled making them both look up toward the bathroom door to see that Negan was standing in the doorway just in a black pair of athletic pants. They obviously got lost in their conversation enough to not hear Negan getting out of the shower. Brushing his fingers through his wet hair, Negan slicked it back and shook his head. “This isn’t your fault. I know you, you would switch spots with her in a second if you could. Whoever did this, I promise you they are going to get fucking punished for it. I won’t let it slide.”

Moving to the bed, Negan sat down on the opposite side of her and rest his head against her shoulder nestling in against her while they both comforted her. It felt nice to have two people trying to make her feel better, but she still didn’t think she deserved this. Both Negan and Joel were too good for her. And she knew that.

Taking some time to calm down, Y/N agreed to take the next shower while Joel helped Negan get his ribs wrapped and cleaned his wounds. Unlike Negan, she closed the door to close them out so she had time to herself. Instead of being quick about things, she took her time. Crying in the shower was an uncontrollable thing that happened, but she was broken. The image of Poppy’s cold, dead body was locked in her mind and she knew it was the one thing she would remember the most of her friend. It was a nightmare that she saw every time she closed her eyes.

Once she was dressed, she pulled the door open and saw that both men were sitting at the edge of the bed diligently waiting for her. They were worried about her. With a nod, she motioned toward the bathroom to suggest that Joel take the next shower. Even though it seemed like he wanted to say something more to her, he listened.

With Joel in the shower Negan did his best to talk her through things and while he was always the best at being able to reach her, this was something that she wouldn’t just get over. It wasn’t that he expected her to, but he was doing his best and with being hurt it was taking a lot out of him. But he was going to comfort her to the best of his ability because that was just who Negan was. And that’s why she loved him as much as she did. There was no one in this world that she could count on as much as she did Negan.

Joel was quick in the shower too and she knew it was because he was worried about her. Still, she was worried about him and they all took care of each other. As weird as it was, the three of them were linked now and together they cared for each other. At the end of the day, all the three of them had were each other to count on and they understood that.

Getting downstairs was hard for Negan specifically and they helped him down for a dinner that Bill had made for them which was shockingly good. Like something out of a high-class restaurant where it was obvious that Bill took pride in his meals. After living off fast food it was incredibly strange to have a meal like this, but they enjoyed it to their best ability. Negan didn’t eat much likely from all the pain that he was in. When their meal was over Bill led them to his basement telling him he had things to share with them.

“Not what I was picturing,” Negan mouthed taking a look around the old items that were in Bill’s basement.

“That’s because you haven’t seen the main attraction,” Bill snickered reaching for the dresser that was pressed up against the wall. With ease Bill was able to push it into a vertical position revealing that it was the top of a hidden entrance that led somewhere lower.

“Well fuck me,” Negan gazed down at the opening in the floor and Frank grabbed a hold of him so he wouldn’t fall in. “That’s fucking awesome.”

“Wait until you’ve seen the whole getup,” Bill motioned Negan down, but there was no way that Negan was going to be able to get down those steep steps on his own. Taking initiative, Frank went first and helped Negan wobble his way down the steps into the bunker that Bill had made for himself. Once they were down safely, Joel waited for Y/N to go next and then he followed her down. Once Joel’s feet hit the floor, Bill was coming down and closing them in. Negan was gazing over the walls that were covered in guns in amazement.

“Holy shit,” Negan’s words dragged out in a slur while Frank continued to hold onto him. “Bill is a fucking bad ass. Who would have known.”

“Paranoid is more the term I think I would use,” Frank suggested making Bill grumble under his breath and frown. Looking back at Bill, Frank offered up a weak smile and sighed. “He’s proud of his collection though.”

“He’s prepared for a fucking war,” Negan inspected the guns that were before him and bit down on his bottom lip. There was ammunition galore and Negan was actually in awe of everything. Moving around the group, Bill hit a button on the computer making the screen light up also drawing attention to the monitors he had of the security cameras that were watching both the house and the small town. Moving around the space, Negan gazed out at the monitors and shook his head. “I think paranoid is an understatement. Holy shit. Damn Mr. Smarty Pants, you really stocked this whole place full of goodies, didn’t you?”

“One day you’re going to realize that this was all for a good purpose,” Bill insisted noticing the way that Y/N stepped forward to look at the multiple screens. There was a person passing the house on a walk and it shocked her. When Bill was a hacker, this wasn’t exactly what she pictured. Reaching out to touch one of the monitors, Bill wrapped his thick stubby fingers around her wrist and stopped her. “No touching.”

“Careful Bill,” Joel warned stepping forward to grab Bill’s wrist himself so that he would release Y/N’s wrist. “Not everyone is used to something like this so they are going to be curious.”

“You were one of those Y2K people, weren’t you?” Negan snickered, bobbing his head about weakly. Even in his state Negan couldn’t help being a smart-ass making Bill roll his eyes. “You have this house prepared for a fallout, don’t you?”

“I’m a survivalist,” Bill corrected Negan’s words, taking a seat in front of the computer that he had set up. “This is a fucked up world and we need to be prepared for anything. And I am. If you knew the things that I did, you would want to be like me too.”

“I can only imagine the things that you hold in that big brain of yours, but I’m not sure I would ever want to be like you Bill,” Negan slurred making Joel smirk happy that someone was giving Bill shit and at least pushing his buttons a bit. Even though Negan was impressed, Joel still knew that Bill had severely upset Negan so he was going to fuck with Bill and get on his nerves.

“Are you going to show us something?” Y/N pondered knowing that it was interesting to see what Bill was capable of, but there was a point to this whole thing.

“You know, I wasn’t expecting all of you to show up today so I didn’t do a deep dive that I think you all may be expecting from me. I only got through the bare minimum to catch up with the whole situation,” Bill declared hitting a few keys bringing up multiple things on his screen. “After Joel asked me to look into what happened at the motel, I was able to pull up security video from both the motel and the club. This Half Moon guy shows up a few hours after you did and he just waits on his motorcycle.”

A video started to play showing exactly what Bill was saying to be true, “With facial recognition, I was able to discover that this Half Moon guy is a wannabe country singer. Popular in certain crowds but is apparently more talented at killing than he is singing. Or should I say was?”

Bill giggled thinking he made some kind of joke when he looked over his shoulder to see Negan’s eyes narrowing at him from where Frank was helping to keep him standing up. When no one else found the joke funny, he pulled up closer to the computer with his desk chair.

“Tough crowd,” Bill breathed under his breath making Joel tense up beside Y/N. Joel tapped his fingers against the desk trying to hint Bill to move along and Bill waved his hand in the air dismissively. “Keep your pants on Joel.”

“After you left the room, he followed you into the club,” Bill motioned to Y/N to look at the screen showing Half Moon following after her. How did someone that big go unnoticed to her. Was she really that locked up inside of herself to begin to even notice him? How did he go completely unnoticed? “From there he just sat at the opposite end of the bar and watched you. Almost came up to you until Negan showed up.”

Shaking her head, Y/N hated that she let this happen. If she wouldn’t have had a fit over Joel wanting to be with his daughter, maybe it wouldn’t have led to all of this.

“Once I found out his identity, I was able to track his cell phone and he got a text from the same number that was interacting with Perry,” Bill informed them, stopping the video when the video camera on the street caught Half Moon going into the motel room with Poppy. It made Y/N let out a hurt sound and Joel curled his arm around her to allow her to rest her head against the center of his chest when seeing her friend alive for the last time upset her. “They reached out to him this time. Offered him the same money amount. Gave him the same address to take the body once he killed Y/N. I don’t know why he killed her friend. He got nothing out of it.”

“He was a sick bastard, that’s why,” Joel grumbled under his breath making Bill gaze back at them and for the first time it looked like he may have had empathy for Y/N with her crying against Joel’s chest. “What about after we left?”

“I don’t know if she wants to be here for this,” Bill muttered, his eyebrows furrowing when he pushed away from his computer making her head pull from Joel’s chest to stare down at him.

“What?” she inquired making Bill gaze back at Frank who gave them a nod. “I deserve to know.”

“After you left, no calls were made to the police. About ten minutes after Joel got off the phone with me a cleanup crew arrived,” Bill declared showing the video where people actually showed up, but then the video seemed to be wiped clean. “Someone with a whole lot of power was able to knock out the security cameras. I’m assuming that your father had someone sent out to clean up the scene so this wasn’t on his record for running for governor. There were no reports on a body matching your friend’s description. Nothing about the fight or the bodies. I think your father found out about your friend dying and sent a crew to hide this from the media so it didn’t soil his name. Because I’ve found nothing on Half Moon or Poppy’s bodies. Not even a peep about the motel room you tore to shit.”

“That’s not what Simon said they were going to do,” Negan spoke up, his head shaking making everyone turn to look back at him. “Simon is her father’s head of security and they said that they would make sure that they would send someone to look into things.”

“If by look into things you mean have this erased so it wouldn’t affect his votes that he would be getting, then yeah, that’s exactly what her father did,” Bill snorted making Frank reach out to place his hand in over his shoulder to warn him to tone it down a bit. “I wish I had something better to tell you, I do. But I don’t.”

“My father cares more about his career than he does my life or my best friend’s life. He has made that more than clear since this whole thing began,” she snarled knowing that the only thing she felt for her father at this point was extreme hatred. “He’s pushed this whole thing under the rug. First it was the group of men that tried to kill us at the first safehouse and now it’s Poppy.”

“Bill, you have to have some kind of idea who is doing this,” Joel pushed making Bill huff and go back to the computer to type some things. “You have to help us figure this whole thing out.”

“I plan to, but what you are asking me to do isn’t something I’m going to be able to do in a few hours. Let alone one day. It’s going to take weeks. You have no idea how hard it was for me to just do what I’ve done,” Bill claimed with a grumble making Y/N let out a shuddering breath. “Trust me, you all need a few weeks anyways. Even if I could come up with something quickly, which I can’t, looking at both of you Joel and Negan, neither one of you is up for a fight. You can’t win a fight looking like you do now. The big one can barely stand and Joel, I’ve definitely seen you look prettier.”

“You expect us to stay here for weeks?” Negan scoffed making Bill look back over his shoulder at Negan who was glaring down at him. Standing up from his computer, Bill stood before Negan and nodded.

“If you want answers, you’re going to lay low for a few weeks here. That’s your only option. Trust me, that’s not what I would prefer either because every day you are here the more you put us in danger, but I agreed to do this and I’m going to do it,” Bill shoved his hands into his pockets, flipping his long hair back with the movement his head made. “Unless of course you want to go back out there and run into things like the giant country singing cowboy killer again.”

“We haven’t had a moment of peace in quite some time. I think laying low here for a while should be fine. As long as Rick is going to take good care of Sarah and Tommy, that’s all that matters to me,” Joel spoke up for the three of them, his throat tensing up when Negan gave him a firm nod. “Bill is right. More than anything, the three of us need some good rest. And Bill took care of the SUV. Here we are going to be hidden and safe.”

After they heard everything Bill had to tell them, Frank and Joel helped Negan up the steep stairs that Bill had built to his bunker. When it was just Bill and Y/N together, Bill reached for her wrist and pulled her back before she could walk away, “I don’t like people.”

“No kidding,” she piped making Bill’s eyebrows furrow while he looked up toward the opening where the three men would be above them.

“I hated the world until Frank came into my life. He made me see things I would have never seen,” Bill confided, his eyes narrowing while he unhurriedly released her wrist. “Because of him and how he feels about this whole thing, I promise you I will do everything I can to help you. I’m not a fan of your father and I know I’m strange, but I do know what it’s like to have a terrible father like that. Someone who never lets you truly be…you. Nor does he care about your better health. I promise I will use all of my resources to help you figure this whole thing out.”

Kindness. That was not something she expected to ever receive from Bill. Especially after the way he displayed himself to be over and over again.

“Thank you,” she whispered standing before Bill not certain how to respond to what he just said to her. Giving her a nod, Bill raised his hand and led her toward the stairs. Once she came up, Negan was waiting at the top for her eager to grab her hand to help her out. After she was safely back up, Negan did the same for Bill and when Bill got to the top, Negan firmly pulled Bill forward making Bill stumble forward toward him. “Negan?”

“From the moment you talked to me on the phone, I told myself that I was going to punch the fucking taste out of your mouth when I finally saw you,” Negan made Bill swallow down hard with the glare that Negan was giving him. Keeping his grasp firm around Bill’s thick fingers, Negan’s Adam’s apple bounced in his throat with his jaw flexing. “But I’m not going to. As much as I want to, what you have down there is pretty fucking cool. You’re weird. Really fucking weird. But I respect you and I like Frank. A lot. So I’m going to let what you said slip out of respect for what you can do and outta respect for your significant other.”

“Thank you,” Bill slurred his blue eyes narrowing when Negan finally released him with a small shove. Gazing over at Frank made him frown and he straightened up his shirt that Negan had ruffled. “I am sorry for saying what I did the other night.”

“No you’re not,” Negan shook his head feeling Joel hooking his arm around his waist when Joel visibly noticed that Negan’s knees were getting weak. “But I understand you.”

“Come on buddy,” Joel urged Negan to follow him toward the stairs.

“Thank you,” Y/N looked between both Bill and Frank, letting out a surprised breath when Frank reached for her hands and gave them a firm squeeze.

“If you need anything, please don’t be afraid to let us know,” Frank uttered noticing the sadness that was still in her eyes. Moving forward, he wrapped his arms around her to give her a hug. At first, she was uncomfortable, but allowed the warm gesture and loosened up in his arms. Having a stranger comforting her like this was not something she thought she would be okay with but there was something extremely soothing about Frank. “We’re here for you.”

Closing her eyes, she felt the same energy from Frank that she often felt from Poppy making her let out a hurt sound. Hearing her crying alerted Frank to squeeze her harder in his arms hushing her when she got emotional. Getting the empathy from Frank felt different than being around Negan or Joel. When she pulled back, it was hard to hide that she was crying and she reached up to wipe at her eyes with the back of her hand.

“I’m sorry for getting tears on your shirt,” she realized that Frank’s shirt was wet and he waved his hand about in the air.

“I’ve gotten much worse on my clothes before darling,” Frank winked making her smirk before heading for the stairs. “You know where to find me if you need me. Last door on the right. Any time of the night. I’m always ready to talk.”

Heading upstairs, she knew that this would take some getting used to, but she was almost happy that Frank was here. He reminded her of Poppy and while it hurt to be around someone like that, it kept the image of Poppy alive in her head for her. That’s what she needed the most right now and Frank was helping deliver that.

For the next few weeks, they lived at Bill’s home. The first few days were all about getting rest for them. More so for Joel and Negan. They were the ones that needed the rest. Sharing a king-sized bed with the two of them she thought would be more uncomfortable, but it wasn’t. Joel slept on one side and Negan the other with her in the middle. Jealousy didn’t seem to exist with the two of them while they were at Bill’s after that first day. They were a team and it seemed like both men seemed to understand that. Then again, there wasn’t much sweeping each other off their feet. Sleep was the predominant thing that they did.

Occasionally she would take a walk with Frank around the small town that Bill lived in. In the time that they lived at Bill’s home, she had gotten incredibly close to Frank. Hell, it was easy to do. His personality was loving and caring. Frank made her feel more at home than anyone had in a very long time. When he was awake, Negan seemed to get along well with both Frank and surprisingly Bill. The two of them shared a passion and a love for cooking. So dinners were often cooked by both Negan and Bill together which was some of the best meals she had in years. Negan also enjoyed spending time with Frank because they would garden together and talk, a lot. That was one thing Negan and Frank were very much capable of. Talking.

Joel floated a little bit everywhere. Frank and Bill were two people that Joel already knew so it wasn’t exactly a learning experience for Joel. But that didn’t mean he didn’t fit in because he did. Joel was just never big on being social. Joel was more of a loner or was more open around his small group of people which was her and Negan. This whole experience also gave Negan and Joel a chance to get closer. And boy did they. From there talks about sports to many other things, at night sometimes they would keep her up with their talking across the bed to one another.

This morning she had woken up early. The night before was a hard one for her because Bill had brought up something about Poppy bringing back hard memories for her. Both men tried to comfort her, but sleep was not something that was going to happen for her.

Shifting, she breathed out heavily when she realized that she was being held by both men while she was at the center of the bed with both of them sleeping. Negan was holding her hand with his head cuddled in against her shoulder. Joel had his arm draped across her waist with his head resting over her collar bone and she sighed.

Wiggling, she did her best to keep them asleep while she worked her way out of the bed. Once she did, she changed into some jeans, a white tank top and a button down before making her way downstairs. A surprised sound fell from her lips when she saw that Bill was sitting in the living room at the piano strumming at the keys.

“You’re up early,” she commented stepping forward making Bill jump, gaze back at her and grumble. It wasn’t the first time she had woken up in the morning to come down and see him at the piano. Often, he was down working in his bunker, but if he wasn’t there or in the kitchen, by the piano was where she could always find Bill. “You really like playing that thing, huh? You and Negan are always playing that.”

“It calms me,” Bill explained letting out an uncomfortable breath when she moved beside him on the bench that was before the piano. It made him tense up and she hushed him motioning him to put his hands back over the keys. “I’m particular about my music.”

“I was born into a rich family like yourself Bill. You don’t think I didn’t learn how to play the piano?” she strummed a few keys herself. Bill looked to her with disbelief and she shrugged her shoulders. “You wanna guess what the first thing they had me learn was?”

“Chopsticks?” Bill quipped back making her smirk and nod her head. Giving her an expecting glance he held his hands over the keys and watched her do the same. At the same time they started playing together making Bill snort while she managed to keep up with him. After about a minute, he groaned and pulled his fingers away. “God, I hated that one.”

“As did I, but I never forgot it,” she joked with a loud sigh looking to Bill. “You know Heart and Soul?”

“Of course I know that,” Bill grumbled under his breath waiting for her to prepare herself while they both started playing together. “You know, you’re not what I thought you were.”

“I’m probably everything you thought I was Bill,” she stated simply continuing to play with Bill through the song finding herself having no problem in remembering the keys that she played so constantly as a child. “I was born into a rich family. I was pampered. I was privileged. I was ignored. My parents wanted me to learn to play the piano to show off to their other rich friends, but do you think they ever showed up to one of my recitals? Nope. I was abandoned by my mother at a young age, but you probably already know that. Hell, you probably know everything about me, don’t you?”

“As much as someone could learn through technology, but not everything,” Bill stopped playing listening to her still playing her part of the song. Leaning back, he turned on the bench to watch her. “There has been something that has been on my mind since I went through your text messages…”

“Well shit,” she smirked hearing him sigh loudly. “Should I be worried?”

“I just…” Bill cleared his throat uneasily and tipped his head to the side. This wasn’t really any of his business, but it was something that he kept thinking about and with her alone he finally decided to bring it up. “Does Joel know?”

“Does Joel know what?” she stole a quick stare at him and by the way that he was looking at her, it immediately clicked for her what Bill was asking. It made the color drain from her face and she hit the wrong key letting it linger before pulling her hands away from the piano. “Oh, that.”

“I don’t mean to pry,” Bill continued realizing that him bringing up what he did really had brought her down while she hit the same key a few times on the piano. “What you went through…”

“So many women do,” she slurred noticing that Bill seemed to be staring out at her with compassion and she wasn’t sure that she wanted it. Her voice was hitched, searching for the right things to say when he noticed that her eyes were damp. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. It happened in the first few months. And…”

“It’s a big deal,” Bill corrected her making her frown and she was undeniably uncomfortable staring him in the eyes while he brought up something she tried to hide from the rest of the world. “I know compared to this, it probably feels like it’s nothing, but from your texts…”

“Bill, the only person to ever know about that was Poppy,” she finally spoke up with a whimper making Bill frown when she looked to him again. There was a single tear sliding down her face and he felt something he hadn’t in a very long time. Guilt. “You didn’t tell Joel, did you?”

“Of course not. I’m an asshole, but I’m not that big of one,” Bill defended himself placing his hand over the center of his chest wishing he had the right words to say right now, but he didn’t.

“Please keep this between us,” she begged of Bill knowing that before this whole thing started, the thing he was talking about was the event that was the worst thing she experienced. “Poppy was the one person that was part of the whole thing. I didn’t want anyone else to know.”

“You used her name when you went to the doctors,” Bill noted making Y/N inhale sharply and let out a tense breath. “I know I have no right bringing this up to you. I realize now what I did to Negan and seeing the things I did with you was wrong. I just, I can tell that you and Poppy were close. I’m no good with words.”

“She took me to that appointment and let me use her name so my father didn’t find out,” she swallowed down hard letting out a shuddering breath. A whimpering sound fell from her throat when she looked up at Bill with tears in her eyes. “She was the only one that was there for me through that.”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell Joel. It was his baby,” Bill spoke up in a whisper making Y/N smirk and look to Bill with a shrug of her shoulders. “It’s your body, but you think you would need him to help you through your miscarriage.”

“It’s complicated,” she simply said, her bottom lip quivering when she looked away from Bill.

“Even hiding it from your father, you were very much an adult,” Bill tried to reason it out in his head making Y/N smirk.

“Bill, Joel was my professor. I know you know that. I had to keep the pregnancy a secret because if my father found out he would have kicked me out of his life then and there. When I had the miscarriage, Poppy let me use her name because you know if my father found out it would have been a big deal. Look what he’s done to cover up everything that is going on right now,” she thought about her father and the extremes he was willing to go through in order to keep his good image. “If the press were to find out that Philip Blake’s daughter had a miscarriage, first they would have found out who the father was. It would have ruined Joel’s career if it was revealed he knocked up his student. And you know the media they would have spun it in some conservative propaganda. I was already broken enough over it. That’s why I kept it a secret. I wanted to suffer through it alone, not involve the whole world.”

“But I feel like you should have told Joel that you were pregnant,” Bill pushed, his voice rasp while he did his best to keep himself quiet. “You should have told him about the miscarriage. It was not something you should have suffered through alone.”

“I wasn’t alone, I had Poppy. Plus, you know Joel, right?” Y/N pushed making Bill take in a sharp breath and give her a nod. “You looked through most of my texts, you probably saw our relationship up until now. No matter how many times I told Joel I loved him, I never got it back from him. Back then? I didn’t know what I knew now with Joel. I thought he would hate me if he ever found out about it. There wasn’t a good way to tell someone who was uncomfortable with you telling him that you loved him that you were pregnant with his baby. Plus, I thought I was being safe, but it still happened.”

Bill went to say something, but instead he frowned and just lowered his head to look down at his fists that were balled up in his lap.

“It was probably for the best Bill. I only just found out on my birthday that when our relationship started it was all fake. I’m sure you’re aware of what Joel did. When he called me into his office that first day, I was so smitten with him. The way he looked at me, the way he made me feel,” she recalled her relationship with Joel cracking a small smile. “I mean there was Negan, but when I met Joel, Negan was still married and it was just a silly crush I had on him. Joel was the first person that made me feel special and seen. Beyond Negan and Poppy I mean. We hit it off immediately, I mean…at least I thought we did. I thought we just had this undeniable chemistry that was off the charts. I thought I got lucky catching the extremely gorgeous professor that every girl wanted. He was shy, but so charming. I thought I hit the lottery. When in reality he was just using me to get back at my father. After my father screwed Joel over and he realized what my name was, he let his rage for my father get the best of him and he didn’t even love me anyways.”

“From his texts…” Bill searched for things to say, biting down on his tongue knowing that he had seen conversations in texts between Joel and Tommy about what Joel was doing. Tommy knew from the start what Joel was doing. Joel didn’t seem to hide things from his little brother. And in the texts Tommy didn’t agree with what Joel was doing at all. But through time, Joel’s texts had softened about Y/N and he talked less like she was a conquest and more about someone he did care about. “By the time you lost the baby…”

“Listen, I love Joel and now we’re okay,” she whimpered feeling her chest aching at the thought of everything. “But when I had my miscarriage, it wouldn’t have mattered to him. I was afraid to tell him I was pregnant to start with, but the miscarriage saved me the trouble of having to tell him.”

“Joel is a lot of things, but I think if you would have told him he would have changed his way of thinking,” Bill reasoned with her reaching out to place his hand in over her knee watching the way her eyes looked up at him. “You can still have children, right?”

“I can, but now is not the time for me to be thinking about children Bill,” Y/N decided reaching up to wipe away at the tears that were staining her face. “I don’t even know if I am going to make it to the end of the year. Let alone be a mother. Plus, with Joel and Negan…”

“It’s complicated,” Bill filled in for her making her smirk and nod her head. “I could tell.”

“Bill,” she spoke quietly, her eyes finally connecting with his again. “If you know everything there is to know about me, you know how close Poppy and I were. You know what she’s done for me. If you do one thing for me, I need you to figure out who got my friend killed. Okay?”

“I will,” Bill vowed with his blue eyes locked on her when she stood from the bench. As she moved for the front door, he called out to her and watched her turn on her heel. “Where are you going?”

“For a walk,” she pointed toward the door and shrugged her shoulders. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I promise. I just need some time to think. It’s a bright sunny morning. It’s a weekend. I’ll be okay.”

Instead of fighting her, Bill let her walk out the door. Huffing loudly, Bill got up from the bench that he was on and made his way upstairs. Heading to the guest bedroom, he carefully pushed open the door letting out a surprised sound when he saw that Joel had his arm draped across Negan’s abdomen and his head resting against Negan’s shoulder while they both slept.

An amused breath fell from his throat making Joel lift his head up with tired eyes noticing that Bill was staring out at him snickering. Looking to where he was, Joel scrambled backwards when he realized that he was cuddled up to Negan.

“No judgement here Joel,” Bill waved his hand about watching Joel pull himself up to the edge of the bed to pinch at the bridge of his nose in a tired fashion. “I just came in here to tell you that Y/N went out for a walk and when she left, she was kind of…emotional?”

“About what?” Joel pulled himself up from the bed and headed over to grab some clothes.

“I uh…” Bill cleared his throat and waved his hand about. “Things.”

“That’s not vague,” Joel pulled his pajamas off leaving him in his black boxer briefs while he worked to tug his blue jeans up his body. “Did Frank go with her?”

“No, she went alone,” Bill answered making Joel grunt out when he pulled his shirt off and quickly put on a white t-shirt. Tipping his head to the side, Bill let out a surprised sound when Joel reached for a blue button down to pull it in over his arms. “You two definitely are connected because what you just picked to wear matches her so much.”

“Bill?” Joel grumbled looking back at Negan who adjusted at the center of the bed showing that he was still very much asleep. “Where is she?”

“We can figure it out. You know I have cameras all over this town,” Bill waved Joel on to have him come down with him to his bunker so they could find out what area she was headed in. When Joel went to go after her, Bill reached for Joel’s wrist and cleared his throat. “Be gentle with her. I brought up something that was a bit of a sensitive topic with her.”

With an annoyed breath, Joel quickly pulled himself out of Bill’s bunker and then headed out of the house. Swiftly moving through the streets, he saw that Y/N was headed for the big hill that overlooked the small town.

“Hey,” Joel called out to Y/N making her look back over her shoulder at him as he worked to catch up with her, moving in beside her. “Where are you headed?”

“Up here?” she breathed out looking him over to see that they matched except for the over shirts that they decided to wear making her smirk. “Nice choice of clothing.”

“Great minds think alike, huh?” Joel offered up a weak smile making her smirk and look down. Her eyes were still red making Joel sigh knowing that she was definitely emotional after whatever Bill had said to her this morning. “You okay?”

“I will be,” she assured him feigning a grin knowing that she was still so lost inside of the darkness that was lingering in her heart after losing the one person in her life that she considered her family. It was hard to really open up to Joel about things. What Bill had talked to her about was something that always weighed heavy on her. After Joel explained to her that she was just someone that he took advantage of to piss off her father, she assumed the miscarriage is why she took it all so hard. After her miscarriage she kind of clung to Joel and wanted him happy. Hearing at the beginning of this trip that their relationship was fake from the start broke her more than it should have. Everything hit her so hard because she had this connection with Joel that she had never told him about. Well, she never told anyone but Poppy, but now Bill knew too.

“Hey,” Joel whispered with the back of his fingers skimming over hers. Looking down, she hooked her fingers with his and let out a nervous sound.

“What did Bill tell you?” she wondered hoping like hell that Bill kept his word and didn’t tell Joel what they talked about. Shrugging his shoulders, Joel didn’t have an answer and she rolled her eyes. “Joel, there had to be a reason that you came running after me.”

“He told me you went off on your own for a walk and you were emotional,” Joel explained to her with a yawn knowing that he was still barely awake. “I don’t think you should be running off on your own, so I got quickly dressed and I came after you. As you can tell by the messy hair. Negan was still sleeping and we used Bill’s cameras around town to find you.”

“Oh, that doesn’t invade my privacy at all,” she sniffled finding amusement in his comment about finding her, but she still was trying to push past her emotions. Tipping his head from side to side she knew that they hadn’t wanted her to wander on her own, but she needed a moment.

“Why are you running off on your own,” Joel inquired, his eyebrows furrowing when he looked to her. The sun was shining just right on her face to bring attention to her eyes and how beautiful they looked even though she had undoubtedly been crying.

“It’s a small-town Joel. Walking around it makes me comfortable. It opens my mind up and Frank wasn’t up so I had to go on my own,” she replied back with a tiny snicker knowing that Frank had become her sidekick since they had been living at Bill’s. “I was going to go up this hill because no one really comes up here often and it felt like it would be more private than the gazebo by his house or the church.”

“Fair enough,” Joel grumbled moving in closer to her while they made their way up the hill. Once they got there, there was a big tree at the top that had a tire swing hanging from its thick, overgrown branches. Once they stopped walking, he gazed over to her to see that she was staring off in the distance at the small town that Bill lived in. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“Joel, there are some things that I just don’t feel comfortable talking to you about,” she admitted looking straight ahead, her eyes tearing over while she stared out at the barely awake town down below. Tears were burning at her eyes again and she smirked looking down at the ground. “And what I talked about with Bill is one of those things. It was something that I only talked to Poppy about and with Bill digging into our texts, well…Bill knows now too.”

“Now I’m curious,” Joel alerted her, his dark eyes narrowing surprising him to hear her talk like that. When he woke up, he just assumed it was something about Poppy, but it sounded like it was something more by the way that she was talking. “Do I have to be worried about whatever it is?”

“It doesn’t affect your life in any way,” she assured him, lifting her hand to see that his fingers were still hooked with hers. Guilt ate away at her when she bit at her bottom lip and let out a broken sound. “It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“But it matters to you, which means it matters to me,” Joel reasoned with her, stepping forward before using his other hand to reach up to palm in over the side of her face. Caressing his palm in over her flesh he urged her eyes to meet his and he gave her a supportive nod of his head. “I’m here for you Y/N.”

“Why couldn’t you be this Joel the whole time?” she whispered making the expression over his face change and he took a step back. That hit him harder than he expected. There was a tear sliding down the side of her face that he swept away before shaking his head. “God, things would have been so much easier over the last two years if this was the Joel I knew.”

“I reckon I was always this Joel, I was just confused and making some seriously stupid decisions,” Joel breathed out knowing that he couldn’t defend his actions because there was nothing that could explain them. “I got lost, but I’m here now. And I know this is where I belong.”

“You belong with your daughter, but you’re stuck here with me,” she corrected him making him frown and let go of her hand so his other palm could cup her face to bring her closer to him. “You know I’m right.”

“It’s a situation we both fell into, but this is the place I’m choosing to be right now,” Joel swallowed down, his chocolate brown eyes serious while he stared down at her. “Yes, my daughter is my life, but you’re part of it too. I know my daughter would support the decision I’ve made in wanting to help you. Because I’m a hero in her eyes and it’s time I finally did something right in my life. And you are the first thing I’ve done right in a very long time. Maybe the first thing since Sarah was born.”

“Damn it Joel,” she scoffed, pulling away from him and moving over toward the large tree that was behind them. Resting back against it, she dragged her hands down her face. Joel moved before her, resting his hands on his hips while he stared out at her. “You make things so hard. I thought I made a choice at the motel. You were leaving and Negan is so perfect…”

“No one is asking you to make a choice,” Joel reasoned with her, folding his arms out in front of his chest. There was a muscle that flexed in his jaw when he threw his right hand up. “I don’t think Negan or I expect you to make a choice. Not now anyways.”

“You weren’t a choice before recently,” she reminded him making him huff out loudly, his eyes lowering down toward the ground. “I’ve spent the last two years head over heels in love with you Joel. And over these last few weeks you have been exactly the man I always longed for you to be. But I have Negan who is the perfect man. Who has done everything for me. And I love him…”

“You’re right. He is perfect for you,” Joel agreed with her stepping forward closer to her making her let out a sharp breath. “And I know you love him, I don’t care. I told you that I was okay with you loving both of us. And I meant it. But I also know how I feel about you. I know that I want to protect you. I want to be part of your life…”

Outstretching his hand, Joel caressed over her shoulder making her look to where he was touching her. Getting even closer, Joel’s sigh was loud when his body pressed in against hers pressing her further against the tree, “And what the two of us have, the passion and tension between us…Negan is perfect, but our story is the stronger one. We’ve been through so much together and we’re still…together.”

“Joel,” she shuddered with the warmth of his breath over her lips. Pressing his hands beside her against the tree, Joel nuzzled his nose in against hers making her eyes come to a tight close. “I can’t choose right now. I love you both, so much.”

“I’m not asking you to choose. I’m okay with you loving both of us,” Joel pressed his forehead to hers cuddling his head with hers making her body tremble at the closeness. Caressing up and over his shoulders she knew to be careful since he was still healing. “The thought of losing you destroyed me Y/N. I thought I was okay with writing off what the two of us had, but I’m not. You’re part of me.”

Releasing a loud exhale, Y/N hooked her arms around his shoulders and his arms instinctively wrapped around her waist when he pulled her in closer to him. Silence surrounded them while they held one another close with his nose nuzzling in against the side of her neck.

“Come here,” Joel hummed against her lips, not kissing her but leaving her with the sensation of his lips over hers. Grabbing her hand, he led her toward the tire swing holding tightly to it making her give it a scrutinizing expression. “Get on it.”

“I am not getting in some old tire swing that is going to break,” she refused with a wrinkle of her nose letting out a gasp when Joel took a running jump and hopped onto it making the tire on the old rope swing out. With the power, the branch that it was tied to tugged somewhat while Joel swung back and forth on it using his legs as the power to swing it. “Jesus. Okay Tarzan, you could barely move a few days ago. Calm down with that. The last thing we need is you falling on your back and hurting yourself all over again.”

“Don’t be the boring one in the relationship Y/N,” Joel hopped down from the swing giving her a wicked smirk when he wiped his hands off on his pants. There was an ache in his leg that he injured and maybe that was a poor decision, but he was trying to lighten the mood for her. “I was the one that was always the boring one, not you.”

“You dick,” she huffed moving forward to hit at the center of his chest before putting her legs through the tire. When she was in safely, Joel started to push it for her making her gasp when she grasped tightly to it. “I’m too old for this shit.”

“You’re never too old to have fun,” Joel asserted finding himself happy when she started smiling with the way that he was doing the tire swing with her.

For a while she just allowed him to push her on the swing until she let out a sigh, “I can’t feel my legs anymore.”

“Good enough for me,” Joel snickered managing to get the swing to stop. Helping her out, he let out a gasp when she put enough power into pulling back out of the tire swing that they both fell back onto the grass with her falling over him. After groaning out loudly, Joel started laughing making her drop her head down against his chest in embarrassment. “You are so clumsy.”

“Come on, stop,” she giggled lifting her head up to see that his face was flushed over with the way he was laughing. “It was an accident.”

“I’m aware,” Joel growled rolling her over onto her back beside him on the grass. Wrapping her up in his arms, Joel cuddled his head in against the side of her neck and exhaled loudly. “You smell good.”

“I took a shower last night,” she reminded him closing her eyes when the warmth of his breath lingered over the side of her neck. Sinking her fingers into Joel’s hair, she loved this close contact touching that he was doing with her. Rolling onto her back, she felt Joel sliding in next to her on the grass while his fingers traced over the side of her body. “Joel?”

“Yes?” Joel breathed out, his chocolate eyes connecting with hers. Tracing his fingers up over her shoulder and over the side of her neck toward her jawline had her tremoring.

“If I kept something from you, would you hate me for it?” she questioned kissing at the pad of his thumb when he dragged it across her bottom lip.

“What could you possibly keep from me that would make me hate you?” Joel frowned leaning in to press a kiss over her temple. Lowering his kisses down over her face had her shuddering while she laid beside him. “After everything I’ve done, I would have no room to judge you.”

Thinking back on her discussion with Bill made her eyes tear over again, but Joel hushed her while he brushed them away and started to press gentle kisses over her eyes after she closed them, lowering them down over her cheeks when he nuzzled his nose in against the side of her face.

“I…” she reached out to brush her fingers through Joel’s hair when he gave her his full attention. Something inside of her wanted to tell Joel what happened in the past, but she was fighting it inside because of the fear of how he would respond to it. “I feel so lucky to have you here with me right now. I hope you know that.”

“I’m the lucky one,” Joel whispered taking her breath away. Noticing the way that Joel’s shirt was riding up over his abdomen, she reached out to brush her fingers over the exposed flesh that was there. Raising up on her arm enough she outstretched enough to meet his lips in a lingering kiss. With time the kiss grew and she reached for his shirt to pull him in over her. “I wish I was the man you needed all along.”

Hearing that made her heart skip a beat in her chest. Getting him to kiss her again, she cherished the warmth of his lips over hers. Each caress was tender and loving causing her to brush her fingers through his messy hair. Crawling in over him, she settled her hips in over his enjoying the way his hands caressed up and over the sides of her body. Laying down in over him, she traced over his features with her fingertips making him turn his head in to press loving kisses over the inside of her palm.

Rolling her onto her back again, Joel moved in over her and traced his fingertips down the side of her face with his eyes gazing over her, “I love you.”

A lump developed in her throat while she stared up at Joel and reached out to stroke her thumb in over the side of his face. Parting her lips, she felt her tears burning at her eyes again after hearing him say that, “And this time, I actually believe you. That one was real.”

“It was very real,” Joel stammered, his eyelids heavy with the warmth of his breath lingering over her lips. “I mean it, with everything that I am.”

Having his lips hovering in over hers, she got caught up in kissing Joel. Every touch, every kiss was so much more impactful than the ones she felt in the past. Pulling away from his kisses, she rest her head against the center of his chest. Joel stroked his fingers over the back of her neck and she could hear the powerful beats of his heart from where she was resting. Staying there for a few moments, she felt safe and comfortable, but still that conversation that she had with Bill lingered making her squeeze her fingers around the material of Joel’s shirt.

“We should head back before the kids that use this swing come up here and see us making out,” she circled her fingers over the center of Joel’s chest making Joel chuckle. Joel cuddled his chin in over her head before kissing over her head. Carefully getting up, she helped Joel up from the ground and pulled him into a hug that he was eager to accept. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Joel repeated what she said, stroking his fingers through her hair before allowing her to lead him back down the hill that they were on hand in hand. Taking her time to get back to the house with him, things were circling in her mind making her think of Poppy, Joel and Negan all at once. When they got back to Bill’s, Bill asked Joel for help and she was thankful for that. “I’ll be back.”

“I’m going to go check on Negan,” she headed up the stairs when the two men disappeared. Once getting to the bedroom, Y/N opened the door to see that Negan was cuddled up to a pillow holding onto it tightly. Sitting down on the bed, she reached out to stroke her fingers through Negan’s hair making his eyes shift beneath his closed eyelids. Negan’s shirt was riding up revealing the healing bruising over his lower back making her frown.

“Good morning beautiful,” Negan yawned drawing her attention back to him when his eyelashes fluttered to an open. Palming in over the side of Negan’s face had him tipping his head in closer to her touch. Noticing the way that she looked down, Negan frowned and groaned when he pulled himself up unhurriedly. “What is it?”

“How do you always know when something is wrong?” she weakly smirked making him frown when he slid in closer to her and cuddled his head in next to hers. “You’re the only person who always knew when something was wrong. Even when I didn’t tell you.”

“That’s because I know you,” Negan whispered stroking his fingers over the side of her face making her bite down on her bottom lip. With a shuddering breath, Y/N felt her emotions getting the best of her while Negan comforted her. “What’s going on Y/N?”

“I don’t know what to do,” she answered with a shake of her head making Negan frown. “And that’s with my whole life. I don’t know what to do with Poppy gone. I don’t know how to live life normally anymore. I don’t know who I want to be with because…”

Tipping his head back, Negan’s hazel eyes grew heavy when she licked her lips, “Because I love both you and Joel. And I don’t want to pick who I want to be with. Not now.”

“Who is making you pick?” Negan tipped his head to the side asking the same question that Joel had earlier. “Right now with everything going on, that should be the last thing we’re worried about. We’re all together and that’s what matters right now.”

“You should be furious with me for loving Joel too,” she reasoned with Negan letting out a whimpering sound when Negan shook his head and brushed her hair behind her ear. “You’ve always been there for me, taken care of me…loved me.”

“I’m not going to force you to make a decision between the two of us,” Negan hushed her, stroking his fingers over her jawline pressing a loving kiss against the side of her face. “I like what we have now. I like that you feel comfortable with both of us.”

“I need to tell you something,” she reached for his hand, giving it a firm squeeze while he urged her in closer to him so he could wrap his arm loosely around her hips. “Do you remember a few months ago when I disappeared on you with Poppy? And when I came back, I was so…so depressed. And you just knew something was wrong? So you kept doing those things to make me smile. Pampered me for days even though I asked you to leave me alone?”

“I remember all the good and all the bad days Y/N,” Negan stated with a long sigh, his tired eyes watching her closely. “Why are you bringing that up?”

“I had a miscarriage Negan,” she blurt out in a quiet voice making his eyebrows furrow, the lines in his forehead growing. Leaning back, Negan’s face grew tense and she cleared her throat. “Not recently Negan, then. I got pregnant with Joel’s baby and I was so scared to tell him. The only person that knew was Poppy. I knew how I felt about Joel, but things were so hard back then with him. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Hell, I didn’t want to be pregnant, but it happened. I don’t know if it was the stress from things or if I wasn’t healthy enough, but I ended up having a miscarriage in the first few months. I wondered if it happened because I was stressing so much about telling Joel that I was actually pregnant that I ended up losing the baby.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Negan frowned sweeping the tears away from her face while she cried beside him. “I would have done what I could with things. I would have been there.”

“Lucille just passed away Negan. The last thing you needed was worrying about me in any fashion,” she hushed Negan with a whimpering sound seeing the empathy in his eyes while he listened to her. “I had to go to the doctors and instead of going as myself Poppy let me use her name. So people thought Poppy got knocked up and fucked off too much causing her to lose a baby when in reality it was me. She did it so that my father didn’t find out. I never told Joel. Ever. And Poppy was the only person that knew, but you knew something was wrong and you wouldn’t let up, but I could never tell you because I was so embarrassed.”

“Why would you be embarrassed? I would never judge you for that,” Negan promised her, stroking his fingers through her hair and reaching out to pull her in closer to his chest so she could cuddle in closer to him. “Y/N?”

“You’re the one person I’ve told other than Poppy. You’re the only person I want to tell because you’re the only person that has understood me from the start. Saw me even when I hid myself so hard from the world,” she sobbed against his chest while Negan stroked his fingers over the back of her neck. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to tell Negan, but with it weighing heavy in her mind after her conversation with Bill she had to tell someone and Joel was not the person she felt comfortable telling. “I keep asking myself why I am so hooked on both you and Joel, but the answers are completely there right in front of me. With you, I have everything I could want and more, but with him…”

“There’s history,” Negan filled in the blanks making her nod, but not lift her head from Negan’s chest. “It makes sense.”

“I’m sorry for throwing this on you Negan, but Bill brought it up and I realized the one person that knew as gone and I couldn’t tell Joel. I don’t want Joel to know,” she whimpered making Negan tip his head back to look down at her when she raised her eyes to his. “You’re my best friend Negan. You’re also the man I love and know that I can tell absolutely anything to.”

“Anything,” Negan repeated in a whisper, stroking his thumb in over her bottom lip with his eyes genuinely worried about her. “I love you Y/N. No matter what, I’m here for you. And I always will be.”

“I’m in so much pain Negan, “she informed him crying without even trying to. “I know I have nothing to complain about because both you and Joel have been through so much physical pain that I am nothing in comparison, but my heart is broken. I was already broken before this happened. From my mom leaving me. To my dad just hating me and ready to cut me out of his life. To never feeling loved. Then all of this happened and I realized that I meant more to the world dead than I did alive.”

“That’s not true,” Negan shook his head, pulling her into his arms so he could hold her and allow her to rest back against his chest while squeezing his arms around her. “You mean so much to this world Y/N.”

“The one person who loved me my whole life is gone Negan,” she cried knowing that there was so much going on, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Poppy. “When I had nothing, I had Poppy. As crazy as she was, she was my family. My father didn’t even care about that. He doesn’t care about me. Someone wants me dead and I don’t even know why. All I feel is pain. I just want to feel better but no matter what I do I’m not going to. I want to forget about everything, but all I think about is Poppy walking through that door and saying something ridiculous and she’s just not going to. That’s my fault and that’s the weight I am going to have to carry my whole life. People thought Poppy was a shitty irresponsible person because of me. Poppy is now missing and dead because of me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come to terms with that. Because right now, I hate myself. I hate the decisions I’ve made in my life. I hate my family. My blood is dirty and I just…”

“You are not dirty. You are the woman that I love. You are what saved me when the darkness ate me alive,” Negan nuzzled his nose in against the side of her neck hating to hear her crying like this. “You have always been the light in my life since the moment you came into my life Y/N. Without you I would be absolutely fucking lost. I would have given up, but you saved me. I’m here because of you. I love you. And while I know you are in pain, you need to know that while you think you have nothing and you are nothing, you are my every fucking thing. You are everything to me. And I love you so much.”

Tipping her head back, her hand palmed in over the side of his face leading him to her lips so they could kiss in a passionate sweep that took her breath away. After, she cuddled into his arms and laid back against the center of his chest.

Hearing the sound of the door pushing open, Negan wondered if Y/N heard it when he saw that Joel was standing in the doorway. Clearing his throat, Negan could tell that Joel had heard everything that Y/N had said and he was doing his best to hold it together himself. Cuddling her in closer to him, Negan watched Joel step back and away from the door. Through the crack Negan saw Joel press his forehead against the wall before he lowered down. Joel covered his head and Negan knew in that moment Joel was undoubtedly crying too and he understood it.

It was the last thing that he knew Y/N would want Joel to hear, but he heard it. Negan was worried that Joel would explode after he heard what he did about her miscarriage, but instead Joel took his time out in the hallway while Negan comforted her. When Joel got it together, he managed to wipe at his face and headed back for the bedroom.

Once he entered it, Negan’s eyes locked with Joel’s and they didn’t have to say anything for them both to understand what the other was thinking. Lowering down onto the bed, Joel reached out and caressed his hand in over Y/N’s hip making her lift her head.

“Do you think you would be okay with a small little day trip?” Joel questioned, his eyebrows bouncing up before he reached for one of her hands to squeeze it in his. “I just got done talking to Bill and he said we could use his truck to do something nice. The three of us. What do you say? Just take a day to pretend to be normal?”

“Sure,” she gave Joel a nod, reaching to wipe at her face. It took a minute for her to gather herself before she pointed toward the bathroom. “Let me go and clean myself up so I don’t look terrible when we leave.”

“We’ll be here,” Joel offered up a weak smile when she headed for the bathroom. When she was in the bathroom, Negan reached out to touch Joel’s shoulder trying to comfort him from what he undoubtedly heard. Allowing Negan to do it, Joel shook his head and cleared his throat. “This isn’t about me. I’ll be fine. What’s most important is her.”

“Okay,” Negan breathed out, giving Joel’s shoulder another firm squeeze before standing up from the bed allowing Joel to have his space for a minute. Negan’s eyes were damp as well while he stared down at Joel. “I don’t think she would want you to find out like that. I don’t think she’d want you to be hurt.”

“I know,” Joel swallowed down hard, his lips parting when he looked between Negan and the door. “What’s important right now is her. And that’s what we both need to focus on. Making her feel better. Making her feel loved because that’s what she needs the most.”

----

Tags: @jennydehavilland @labyrinthofheartagrams @msjamesmarch @thebeautysurrounds @hotfornegan @redmercysugar @a-girl-interupted @akumune @stoneyggirl2 @xsarcasticwriterx @insertneganhere @haleygreen23 @xhannahbananax03 @sanctuaryforthelost @burningredaffair @killaweiser @dead-of-niight @ayumi-wolf @hollyismentallyillhelp @wonwoosthetic @misskittydenoire @casangel1986 @pedritosdarling

#Negan #Joel Miller #Jeffrey Dean Morgan #Pedro Pascal #The Walking Dead #The Last of Us #negan x reader #joel miller x reader #negan fanfiction #joel miller fanfiction #negan x you #joel miller x you #tlou fanfiction #twd fanfiction

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saintlike78 · 2 years

Text

Coffee dates and owed breakfast [J.H.]

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Pairings: Jim Hopper x fem!reader

Words: 2.5k

Summary: Liking Hopper wasn’t always easy when he seemed in such a hurry to leave

Warnings: NSFW 16+, vaginal sex, overstimulation, mention of cum and creampie, hurt/comfort. No s4 spoilers… story takes place during season 2.

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!Nsfw starts right away!

“Oh god, Hop,” you cried, squeezing his shoulders tight, nails creating crescent moon shapes on his damp skin.

“I know, honey… feels good, huh?” Hopper smirked, punctuating his point with a few hard thrusts that had your eyes rolling to the back of your skull.

You tried stuttering out an answer, but it was getting harder and harder to form a coherent thought or sentence when Hopper’s cock was hitting you just right, his pelvis hitting your clit with every thrust.

Jim chuckled, peppering kisses on your cheek and forehead, “already fucked dumb? If I had known how quick I could fuck every thought out of that pretty head of yours, we would have done this much sooner.”

He was so smug and if it hadn’t been for the static that roamed around your mind you would have rolled your eyes; but it was hard to do anything but moan and nod in agreement, cunt clenching around him.

It hadn’t been a surprise that he was just as smug in the bedroom as he was out of it, he just had that sort of energy about him - like he knew just how good he could make you feel.

It had been your decision to take it slow, of course. You knew about his previous endeavours and you had made it clear that that wasn’t really your thing and he had told you that he was beyond it, wanting to focus his time on you - well, the little time he seemed to have.

The flirting had been almost instantaneous from the moment you walked past the door of the prescient to sit yourself down next to Flo; Jim Hopper wanted to give you a proper Hawkins welcome, parking himself by your desk for one hour to tell you about the different sights - a lot of them diner related.

Flo had rolled her eyes the moment “let’s go grab a coffee and I can show you around,” slipped past Hopper’s smirking lips, shaking her head with a tired sigh.

“Couldn’t even wait a day, Hopper,” she had said the moment you were out of your chair to grab your coat. Hopper just shrugged and grumbled something at Flo before placing a hand on the small of your back and leading you out of the station with a satisfied grin.

One coffee date led to daily coffee dates which led to weekly dinners which led to movie nights which now led you here, under Hopper’s large frame, his cock making you see stars as it pounded into you at an unforgiving pace.

“Jim,” you whined. Goosebumps rose along your sweating body when he let out a loud groan, your cunt clenching down around him.

Just when you were about to cum his arm was under your back and he was slipping out as he turned you over, sitting himself against the headboard with you in his grasp. A loud disappointed whine slipped past your pouting lips.

He didn’t allow your disappointment to last long, instead replaced by a high-pitched moan as his thumb snaked between your bodies and landed on your aching clit. He only needed to rub a couple of circles before you could feel yourself getting close once again; as soon as he angled his hips up and pushed his thick cock into your dripping cunt you were cumming around him so hard your entire body was shaking as you collapsed on him.

“Holy fuck, sweetheart,” Hopper moaned, trying to thrust his hips up through your orgasm, but the way you were clenching around him made it insanely difficult.

You were shaking and babbling, fingers digging into his flesh as you found yourself unable to control the way your whole body spasmed from such an intense feeling. Hopper’s lips met yours in an open-mouthed breathy kiss, soaking up all the moans you let interrupt it. He forced his tongue into your mouth, using his hands on your body to move you up and down his length as soon as your cunt eased its grip on him.

“Hop… Hopper… sensitive… please,” you whimpered into his mouth, arms over his broad shoulders, trying to find anything to grip onto as leverage.

Hopper broke the kiss, smirking at the out-of-focus look in your eyes. Slowly he tucked you into him, guiding your face into the crook of his neck with a gentle hand on the back of your neck - a stark contrast to the way he was rutting up into you.

“Shh, I know, you poor thing. Just be good for me and take it,” he shushed, caressing the back of your neck with one hand and keeping you against him with the other arm around your back.

You breathed moans onto his neck, choking on a sob of his name as you tried to move your hips in time with his thrusts, but finding it difficult to keep up with him. So, you just laid against him like a rag doll, letting him use you like one to get himself off; the thought along with the deep gruff grunts and moans that left him and travelled right into your ear was enough to have you clenching around him again as you grew close once more.

“God damn, honey… cum all over this cock,” he grunted, squeezing the flesh on your back.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Jim,” you sobbed, shaking in his hold yet again, feeling the warmth of your release travel all throughout your tensing body.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Hopper let out a deep moan, so pornographic it would have made you cum if you weren’t already in the middle of it.

You felt warmth fill up your clenching cunt, Hopper’s hips stilling only interrupted by a few shaky pumps into you. His big arms squeezed you tighter against him, forcing you to listen to the deep breathy moans he let out.

Your room was filled with heavy breaths and the orange light from the sunset outside. Hopper’s hands ran up and down your back, caressing you gently and easing you off his softening cock, feeling his sticky cum mixed with yours drip from your sensitive cunt and onto his lap.

“How you doing, sweet pea?” he whispered to you, pecking the side of your head so sweetly you couldn’t help the swarm of butterflies that crashed around your stomach.

“‘M okay… tired,” you murmured against him, letting him turn your head so that you could look up at him.

He hummed, letting his eyes drift shut for a moment, letting the blissful afterglow swarm around the two of you. A smile grazed your lips and you let out a sigh of contentment, leaving a small kiss on his shoulder.

“What are we having for breakfast tomorrow?” You hummed, playing with the hairs on his chest, but instantly stopped when you felt him tense and his eyes shoot open.

It was as if he suddenly remembered himself and remembered where he was because he was looking around frantically.

“Hop?” you asked carefully, gasping when he placed you ungracefully on the bed beside him, swinging his legs over the mattress in search of his scattered clothing.

He jumped into his boxers and uniform pants, searching the pocket for a wristwatch which he cursed at as soon as it was found.

A deflated feeling started creeping up your body as you watched him scramble around your room in a hurry - just from you mentioning breakfast. You slowly lifted the sheets up your body, covering your naked chest and shrinking in on yourself.

He was muttering to himself and you couldn’t help but feel like an idiot; of course, you weren’t different, it was stupid of you to even think you were… he got what he wanted and now he wasn’t even going to bother telling you that this was all he had come for, not the breakfast part.

He was fully dressed within a minute, but you just sat and watched him with your knees pulled up to your chest in defeat. After a moment of frantically searching for his things, he turned to you, eyes softening at the sad look on your face and the frown that tugged at your lips.

“I’m so sorry… but I really need to go, but I promise I’ll make it up to you, okay?” he said, walking over to you to smear a long kiss on your forehead.

You nodded slowly and replied in a timid voice, “it’s okay.”

From your tone, he could tell that it in fact was not, but you sounded more sad than angry which Hopper felt was a thousand times worse. He didn’t want to hurt you, but he couldn’t be late home again and no matter how much it pained him to hear your pained voice, the thought of El’s pained face one more time this week was enough to pull him away from your bed and halfway out the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart,” he smiled, hoping that his smile was enough to reassure you.

You tried to smile back, but it didn’t quite reach your eyes, “yeah…”

Hopper sighed, feeling endlessly conflicted, but left in a hurry nonetheless leaving you alone in your bed with a small tear slipping down your face.

Because apparently you weren’t different and neither was he; you were just that lay that took a little extra time, a mission for him and a complete lie to you.

“I really thought he would be different… wishful thinking, I suppose,” you laughed to cover up the hurt that still resided in your chest.

Flo looked at you sympathetically, “I’m sorry, hun… you really never know what to expect from him.”

You hummed in agreement, looking down at the paperwork that needed organizing with a sigh.

You were trying to work, but you felt your entire body freeze when the all too familiar voice boomed through the station.

“Mornin’,” Hopper’s groggy morning voice carried through the room, with a few groggy voices answering him right back.

You didn’t know how to react. How would he want you to react? Pretend that it didn’t happen or turn around and quit on the spot so he wouldn’t have to look at you anymore. Internally you wished you could go back to the day before yesterday, when you were living in your own fantasy world, looking forward to the date with Hopper instead of standing a few feet away from him debating whether to quit your job, cry or scream at him for being the asshole you hoped he wasn’t.

A large hand on your shoulder caused you to jump, but you didn’t bother turning, knowing exactly who it was and not feeling particularly ready to look up at his face.

“Mornin’, sweetheart… come to my office?” he asked though he didn’t give you much of a choice when he placed a hand on the small of your back to lead the way to said office.

You kept your gaze down, truly afraid that you might cry if you looked at him. You stood in the middle of his office, wringing your hands nervously in front of you as you heard the door shut behind him.

You took in a deep breath before you finally willed yourself to look up at his face; he looked concerned, staring at your hands and reserved stance, not something he was used to seeing around him.

“Okay, you don’t have to say it and I totally get it, I won’t make a big deal out of this… I guess I just read a little more into things than you did and I know you never promised me anything and now you got what you wanted… so I’ll just say bye to Flo and I’ll never mention this again,” you rambled, moving to slip past him.

His hand curled around your arm before you were even halfway to the door, raising his eyebrows in question, “what are you talking about?”

“Well, I was just gonna pack up my desk,” you laughed nervously, looking down at his gentle hand that slipped down around your wrist.

“And why would you pack up your desk?” he questioned, tightening his grip on your arm, not to hurt you in any way, but to keep you there with him.

You looked up at him, stuttering on your words, “well, uhm… I just a-assumed I was fired.”

“Because you slept with me?” he asked in disbelief, to which you nodded.

“It would be easier to avoid me if I didn’t work here,” you shrugged, biting your bottom lip nervously.

“And why would I want to avoid you?” He asked almost offended, raising his brows.

You stared at him in disbelief, “you practically ran out yesterday as soon as I mentioned breakfast… I don’t think it’s too far off for me to assume that that was it,” your eyes dropped at the memory, looking down sadly.

With a tentative finger, he lifted your chin. An uncharacteristically unsure and sheepish look painted his features, but a hint of relief when you didn’t pull away from him.

“I would’ve loved to get breakfast with you… hell, we can get breakfast now if you’d like,” he pulled you the tiniest amount closer to him, gauging your reaction. When you didn’t move or say anything, he continued, “I’m really sorry I ran out and made it look the way it looked… but I promise you, I really like you and I didn’t want it to be a one-time thing, I wasn’t trying to get anything out of you.”

“… you just need to believe me when I say I really like you because I can’t tell you the reason I left… at least not yet, but I will!”

You looked up at him with a furrowed brow, “you can’t tell me?”

“No… if it was up to me I would, but it isn’t,” he sighed, looking down in defeat. He wanted to keep both you and El safe and the only way to do that was to leave you in the dark for the time being.

You hummed, taking in his expression with a careful eye, “would it have anything to do with your weekly trips to the lab with Joyce Byers?”

“Yes and I promise it’s really not up to me,” he swore, trying to look as earnest as he possibly could.

Your teeth tugged at your bottom lip as you surveyed his expression. Choosing to go against that little voice in your head that screamed at you to just leave and avoid all the complications, you chose instead to step closer to him and wrap your arms around his middle, much to his surprise. Only a short moment passed before he realized what was going on and his arms were around you, squeezing you close to him and pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“You promise you’ll tell me one day?” you murmured into his uniform-covered chest.

“I’ll tell you as soon as I can, sweet pea,” he promised, rubbing a slow hand over your back.

“So about that breakfast.”

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A/n: to be notified of future work follow @saintlike78slibrary and turn on notifications

#jim hopper x reader #jim hopper fluff #jim hopper x y/n #jim hopper x you #jim hopper fanfic #jim hopper #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things s2 #julia’s sin posts

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caparrucia · 4 months

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12, 13, and 17 for the fic writer asks, please?

12. Are there any tropes you used to dislike but have grown on you?

I still don't read it widely, because most of it hits my "but what's the point then?" pickiness for AUs, but a friend recently explained her time travel fix-it AU as a version of an isekai and that sort of made the appeal of it click in my head in a way it'd never had before. I still think the trope itself is not something I'd go as my first choice, because my vibe is more either miscommunication or mystery, and having a POV character that knows everything - and very often has no reason to not share/use that knowledge - makes it very conflict-free for me. The thing that clicked for me is the same way that my favorite isekai stories are ones that either the OP protagonist doesn't know they're OP or their OPness is gated behind world knowledge that they have to acquire first before making use of said OPness. So I think I like time travel fic in theory now, I just haven't read one that hits the spot because it's not a trope I seek out often. But I kinda get it now! I think!

13. Are there any tropes you used to like but don’t anymore?

Modern renditions of enemies-to-lovers are so fucking exhausting in how hard people are trying to sand down any bit of objectionable, problematic aspect of that kind of relationship. I love me a good, brutal actual!enemies to actual!lovers story that wrestles with the history and baggage of that kind of thing. But post!Reylo fandom is more worried about "not romanticizing abuse" than telling a good, compelling story. E2L are supposed to be messy, problematic, dark romance stories full of questionable tropes. That's what makes it fun! But the way any whiff of conflict is constantly smothered away because "We Do Not Condone That Here" messaging is more important than a coherent, IC story is just. Blah. One day, my favorite toxic love trope will come home from the war. One day.

17. What highly specific AU do you want to read or write even though you might be the only person to appreciate it?

Witcher 3 fusion AUs are my personal catnip. I specify Witcher 3 because I understand the Netflix trainwreck was the entry point for a lot of the fandom and that's great, but the writing of the Netflix show is infinitely subpar to the actual books and even the Witcher 3 version of the characters. The Witcher 3 softens a lot of the harsher edges of characters in the books (hi Emhyr, my forever problematique baby girl, how are you today, your imperial colonialist dipshit incestuous majesty?) but it still maintains the tone in a way that makes it so the harsher, more shocking aspects of it don't read like "for shock value" and have actual consequences. It's a rough world with rough edges and it's a setting rife for stories of all sorts, to scratch that nice medieval pseudo-realistic fantasy setting itch, while still allowing space for some hilarious comedy and nuanced politics.

However, somehow, people who played the game somehow come out with the urge to write unironic, mindless colonialism apologia - we all know why - or quirky funny romance because Netflix!Jaskier is so memeable.

Look, I have almost 3K hours in the Witcher 3, I understand I am not the target audience for Witcher fandom which is why I don't really wade into it often, but I want people to write more Witcher 3 fusion stories because it's a fantastic setting to grab your favorite characters and plop them into and see what they do. It's great.

#rie answers #garbria

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stormyoceans · 1 year

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oh please please please please talk more about the puentalay kisses bc i am, also, severely insane about them

(the feeling! the physicality! the comfort!! god those are all such great kisses. also hoping for sea to grab onto jimmy too oh yes tho am not sure if the hesitancy before was just him or him portraying talay, we'll see??)

that could be!!!! as a viewer it’s pretty hard to establish if the physicality in a kiss is fully determined by the actor’s performance or if it’s partly due to directing choices, so it’s definitely possible for that hesitancy to be more about talay rather than sea himself, especially since talay isn’t as comfortable with physical touch as puen is, at least at the beginning, while sea himself seems like a very affectionate guy, at least now. i personally feel like both factors may be at play here, which is why im really curious to see how their kisses in last twilight are going to be, since in the mock trailer day is the one to initiate it

AND SINCE IM INSUFFERABLE HERE IS MY PERSONAL ANALYSIS OF THE PUENTALAY KISSES BASED ON AN ASSIGNEMENT I DID FOR MY HISTORY OF FILM CLASS BACK IN UNIVERSITY 10 YEARS AGO

okay so, obviously im far from being an expert, but what i learned while doing my research is that there are 5 elements that directors and acting coaches usually take into account when it comes to kisses. those elements are:

prelude: it’s everything that leads up to the kiss itself, from the story up until that moment, to the emotions of the characters, to the tone of the scene;

look: eye contact is essential when it comes to acting, and even more so when there’s a kissing scene. we love consent, but the truth is that a lot of times the invitation for a kiss is made through the eyes and the emotions you can express through them (needless to say, jimmy is INSANE at this);

breath: it's whether the characters just dive in or if there's some lingering before or after the kiss;

rhythm: it's about the length, the pace, and the technique of the kiss;

surrender: this is what i usually call the physicality of a kiss, because it’s basically the way the bodies respond to each other.

a good director can play with all these elements to give a specific feeling and match the scene itself. that being said, let's start with the kiss where all these elements can't be applied sfjksgfj

the drunk kiss in episode 2. drunk kisses are hard to judge because you are actually supposed to mess up all the things that make a good kiss. if a character is wasted they're hardly gonna be able to communicate emotions through their eyes or have a nice rhythm. in this case there's also not much of a prelude since they've just met, but that's kinda the point: the purpose is to surprise both puen and the audience. i still find it an interesting kiss because of what it tells us about the characters (talay is more open and affectionate when drunk, puen is perplexed but doesn't get angry or push talay away) and i think the fact that it stayed with them for YEARS says a lot about the instant connection they felt between them. i also really appreciate that we get a quick peck first and then a second slightly more purposeful kiss, lips puckered and fully touching.

(hiding the rest under the cut to preserve some kind of dignity)

the greenhouse kiss in episode 4. HERE'S WHERE IM GONNA START LEAVING ANY SEMBLANCE OF SANITY AND COHERENCY BEHIND. im usually not the biggest fan of one-sided/sudden kisses, but this one.... THIS ONE!!!!!! the entire episode is a perfect build up to this moment, engaging the viewers since the very beginning ("so, they will fall in love?" "i guess they will") and raising the (emotional) stakes with each step leading towards it ("why don't we fall in love with each other?", "i talked about the one im hitting on", "feelings aren't something you can toy with"): the second talay steps into the greenhouse and puen comes into view, you can actually FEEL it in the air, that something's gonna happen. then puen grabs talay's arm to stop him from leaving AND THE LOOKS HE THROWS AT TALAY!!!!!! THE WAY HIS EYES SOFTEN WHEN TALAY ASKS HIM "ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME AGAIN?" AND HE ANSWERS "NO"!!!!!!! his intentions are written all over them, so when puen grabs talay's neck and kisses him you're expecting it and yet it still manages to take your breath away. sudden kisses are pretty much the only type where it's kinda acceptable to have a frozen physicality (so arms down the side, body standing still) because it makes sense for the surprise to be freezing the character in place, and while that it's also what happens here, i really like how they were able to somehow still make it feel 'physical': jimmy goes in so strong sea stumbles/has to readjust his position a little, the hold jimmy has on sea's neck is gentle but firm and establishes connection, their lips are fully pressed together, jimmy's nose is almost squished against sea's cheek, and for a sudden kiss their bodies are standing surprisingly close to each other.

the greyllery kiss in episode 8. when i tell you i start FROTHING AT THE MOUTH every time i see just how perfectly they constructed and directed this kiss to parallel the one in the greenhouse…. from puen's adoring look to the way he pulls talay in by grabbing the back of his neck to the camera angles, every detail is built to make the viewers recall the end of episode 4 and give us a visual representation of how much their relationship has grown since then. obviously the mutuality of it is the biggest difference in itself, but there’s also a subtle shift in the physicality to match that: puen gets to wrap both of his arms around talay now, and talay finally reaches back too. this is one of the cases where i do wish sea could have been a bit more confident in grabbing jimmy back, but at the same time i think the hesitancy makes sense for talay as a character, so it's not a detail that pulls you out of the moment and everything else is just PERFECT. the prelude to the kiss in particular is incredible, not only because of the confession itself, which would deserve its own analysis even just for how it happens when the lights are out, highlighting the fact that they love each other for who they are, no matter which body they're inhabiting, but also because the tension gets progressively built up beat by beat until you find yourself on the edge of your sit holding your breath just waiting for it to happen: i said i like you, beat, i like you even though i don't know what you look like, beat, even though i don't know who you are, beat, i like you too, beat, i like everything about you, beat, puen dropping his bag, beat, and when puen takes an audible breath in before stepping forward, that's when you can finally release your own. this is also the first kiss where we can judge the rhythm, and i personally think that jimmy and sea have a very good sense of it in all of their kisses. it's kinda hard to explain why, but it's in the way they can pace the kiss, and mirror each other's intensity, and switch the side their head turns while doing it. last thing im gonna say (because this is already getting way too long ;;;;) is that letting the sounds of the kiss be heard under the background music sure was. A CHOICE.

the bucket hat kiss in episode 9. [RATTLES THE BARS OF HER CAGE] DOCTOR JIMMY THE THINGS YOU DO WITH YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!! in this case the kiss itself is pretty short so it can't be judged on more technical aspects, however it does not leave the viewers wanting for more, because the emotions behind it already say everything we need to know. the adoration the longing the want the reverence the wonder the love.... it's all written in the way puen looks at talay. the camera focuses way more on puen here because the revelation of who talay is is, quite literally, life changing for him, but the lingering on talay's eyes after they part and the two of them remaining close to each other as if they can't bring themselves to move on tell us how this kiss functions as a seal for the many promises made between them: of going back together, of finding each other again, of their mutual feelings. also i can't really figure out if this is a jimmy thing or a conscious directing choice, but when it comes to physicality i LOVE how puen always has his hand or his arm around talay's neck. it's such a protective and possessive gesture which is meant to send a clear message, not to other people, but to the universe: this is the man i love, it says, and im not gonna let you take him away from me.

the bathtub kiss in episode 10. i feel so normal about this kiss it's honestly insane how normal and hinged and sane and fine i feel about it. like not to be petty but i have no idea HOW can anyone watch this and then really say that jimmysea can't kiss, especially considering it hits EVERY SINGLE POINT of what a good kiss should be like. the simple intimacy of taking a bath together, the shared joy of their success, and the teasing of the reward are all perfect set ups for this kiss, and as always jimmy has the insane ability to broadcast puen's intentions through his eyes in a way few other actors can, however what makes this kiss really stand out compared to the rest are the breath and the physicality of it. when it comes to kissing talay, puen is always diving into it like a starving man, and this time is no different, but unlike all the other times there is a pause in the kiss and you can actually see how much it costs them to separate: they both look like they're getting out of a trance, breaths mingling together as puen keeps his eyes closed for a little longer to pull himself together and talay blindly chases his lips for more, confused by the sudden interruption. this temporary pause doesn't break the actual rhythm of the kiss, nor it pulls the viewers out of the moment, because it's clear that they're both still very much into it. i will never stop praising jimmy and sea for being able to portray just how overwhelmed the characters are here, both from the kiss and the feelings they have for each other, and it also shows in the way they almost sound choked up as they thank each other. the kiss picking up from where they left it is the only natural continuation to all these emotions bubbling to the surface, emotions that are way too big to put into words, so they rely on their bodies to try to convey them. and speaking of bodies, this kiss is the perfect example of why physicality is also called 'surrender', you just need to look at the openness and vulnerability of talay's neck in that position, but even when sea shifts a little into a more comfortable one you can see how their body fit together and melt into each other perfectly. honestly the only thing that could have possibly made this kiss better was to have jimmy hold sea's face for a bit longer instead of moving his arm on the side of the bathtub, but frankly im just nitpicking here (monica aren't you forgetting something, one may ask. and to that i say YEAH YEAH THE TONGUE SLIP WE'VE ALL SEEN IT. NO I REFUSE TO COMMENT ON IT BYE)

the riverbank kiss in episode 10. as much as i love this whole scene, this kiss in particular is sadly not my favorite one, mostly because i think the editing and the camera angles did a bit of a disservice to it. i really like how it starts: all puentalay kisses have very strong preludes because they always serve a purpose to the story, they're never gratuitous (in this case it's meant to be a confirmation of puen's words and an omen of what's to come), and jimmysea can both convey so much with their eyes that you can actually feel how they're pulling each other (and the viewers) in to the kiss by the looks they share. it's when the camera moves from their faces to go above and then behind them that i feel like it ends up taking you out of the moment they worked so hard to build, because it completely blocks the view of the kiss in a very jarring way, and when it gets in front of them again talay's arm is suddenly reaching up to puen, which it wasn't in the previous frame. it's such a pity because i LOVE that connection, it's the kind of physicality that can turn a good kiss to a great one, so i do wish we could have gotten more continuity and a more direct view.

the reunion kiss in episode 11. it may come as a surprise, but i actually don’t have a lot to say about this kiss, mainly because i believe any technical analysis becomes pointless in the face of the journey that led them to this moment. this is their first kiss after being reunited, and if this were any other show, i feel like it would have made a big deal out of this also being their first kiss in their real bodies, but the love between puen and talay has never been about physical appearance, and we're reminded of that once again. this kiss is the meeting of two souls who have missed each other and find comfort in being together again, and i don't think it's a coincidence that this is the one time they are fully facing each other, with puen mirroring talay's crosslegged position on the bed. “from this moment on, it’s me and you,” talay is gonna say in the next episode, “talay and puen,” and i think this kiss perfectly represent these words. i guess i do wish, once again, that sea were holding jimmy back in some way, even just by grabbing his arm, but like with the greyllery kiss i think it does work character-wise, because while this is a comforting moment for both of them, talay is the one who needs more reassurance, who needs to know that puen isn’t gonna leave him, and all the gestures puen does (the forehead kiss, the handholding, the protective hold he has on talay while they kiss) are his way to prove to talay, other than with words, that this isn’t a dream: it’s real, they’re both real, and now that they’re finally home and together, he’s never gonna let anything separate them again.

the boyfriends kiss in episode 12. what's better than a kiss in the same place the universe separated you as a way to seal the deal on your new-found and hard-fought boyfriend status? NOTHING THAT'S WHAT. i do think, however, that this kiss kinda leaves you wanting for more. it's not a short deep one like the bucket hat kiss, but it's also not a full make out session like many of the others, and since they don't have the time to build a nice rhythm it feels like the kiss ends before it even gets a chance to start. this is also one of the times where i wish sea were touching jimmy back in some way, or that his body were lining more towards him, because physicality wise it makes him seem a bit less engaged in the moment. despite these details im still pretty fond of this kiss, mostly because the utter adoration in both puen's and talay's eyes before it makes up for A LOT in my book. also it's not really related to the kiss itself but i love the dark/light contrast in their clothes.

the foggy glasses kiss in episode 12. GAME CHANGING LIFE ALTERING MIND BLOWING. A CULTURAL RESET. we've all read about kisses that leave a character breathless, lightheaded and weak at the knees, maybe even got to experience some ourselves in our life, and i honestly can't think about any other kiss in television history that was able to perfectly represent that feeling more than this one. from talay's dazed expression, to his foggy glasses, to his messy hair because of puen's fingers running through it, you can actually believe this kiss affected him to such an extent. and how could it not affect him when the rhythm and physicality of it are INSANE???? the way puen is holding talay's head with BOTH OF HIS HANDS to keep talay in place barely gives talay any time to take breath and they're so close and entangled in each other that you can barely tell where one starts and the other ends. i love the wider camera shots of this kiss because, as i mentioned before, you once again get to see why physicality is defined as surrender: it looks like their bodies are almost melting into each other. it's not even their longest kiss, but the tension and the intensity are off the charts in every part of it. the single-minded purpose with which puen approaches talay at the beginning, eyes firmly on talay's face, never wandering from it, already lets you know just how wild this kiss is about to be, and you can't expect anything less from it after getting to see talay confessing to puen for the third time in five episodes. i also find it very telling that both the show and the our skyy episodes end on such great kisses, they feel like the testament of their love and the proof of how far they've come.

the beach kiss in our skyy. ONE KISS TO RULE THEM ALL ONE KISS TO REMEMBER THEM ONE KISS TO HONOR THEM ALL AND IN FRONT OF THE OCEAN BIND THEM. so anyway bad jokes (and quotes) aside, this kiss does feel like a sum of all their previews ones, maybe because there are elements in it that tend to remind the viewers of a lot of them: the drunk kiss being used as a set up for it, the framing of puen's face at the beginning being the same as the greenhouse and the greyllery ones, puen's smile before pulling talay into it being a little nudge to the bathtub kiss, their position almost mirroring the boyfriends one...... not to mention that it's hard to look at the ocean and not be reminded of other important moments in their journey, like the two of them promising to find each other again in their universe on the secret island and talay having to wait for the tide to retreat to go back to puen. the ocean of is also the place where talay drowned and everything began, so it only makes sense for their story to end in front of it too. the cycle closes with a recollection of the past and a promise for the future, the kiss itself, the mouthed "i love you" and the forehead touch letting us know that no matter what's gonna happen, they will always love each other like the very first day. much like with the reunion one, i think any technical aspect of this kiss becomes of very little importance when you're faced with the whole entire everything of their history together being contained in it, but let me just say, what a difference sea's arm casually draped over jimmy's legs makes!!!!! compared to the boyfriends kiss, you can see how the extra physical connection makes both of them look fully invested in the kiss and makes the viewers feel more involved in it too. as always the rhythm of the kiss is really good, and this time sea is the one who really shines when it comes to the look, because he's just radiating adoration love and pure unadulterated joy everywhere. not that jimmy isn't giving insane levels of emotions too, but im gonna end this mess with something deeply controversial: i know the fandom likes their long hair, but jimmy's bangs end up covering his eyes way too much and that is A CRIME.

#MENTAL ILLNESS WON TODAY PT. 2 #I HAVEN'T REREAD ANY PART OF IT AND IM FRANKLY TOO EMBARRASSED TO DO IT #the fact that i feel like i haven't said half of the things there are to be said about all these kisses......#anyway it's been nice knowing y'all im gonna go bury myself in my backyard now goodbye forever #vice versa #puentalay #m: ask #vish 💜

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stayoutofitnick · 8 months

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I really really want to like the wheel of time show but

(negativity under a read more)

I am really frustrated by how the show is handling race and gender. I appreciate the increased and explicitly racial diversity. But the colorism of the most evil characters in the show having the darkest skin is only slightly better this season than last.

While the women are more complex, I feel like 30 years after the books, the women are actually weaker than in the books and it breaks my heart to see it. instead of powered by rage, Nynaeve the most powerful channeler is just…useless at channeling most of the time. And she doesn’t lead well. Basically what does she do. And changing it from angry to angry or afraid feels diminishing to me. Look at the scared girl. Especially since she’s almost never able to use her power. And choosing Lan over going through the arch also infuriated me. The person who is full of rage and power and dedication and can heal so well basically tags along and is in love and I hate it. I understand people mock the braid tugging and low cut dresses for good reason but at least she was a badass. Moiraine is literally depowered and sad most of the season. She isn’t leading, she isn’t planning, she isn’t powerful she’s mopey and weak. Lanfear is not clever and her scheme is basically try sleeping with him. Her power is only that she can come back from being stabbed thanks to the Dark One. We don’t even get to see her contrive a meet cute. (Also why does she wear black?) That she turned to the Dark One because of ambition and brilliance and science is turned to no she liked a guy and got rejected, when the books clearly acknowledged she was basically using that as an excuse.

why does the evil woman have to hate men after being a rape survivor???

also, the lack of drawl/southern or Texas accent for the society enslaving people. It’s such a good comment removed (also the light skinned dessert people…)

And while I support changes to make a coherent, tv, modern story, in addition to changes above there are several this is not my wheel of time and my beloveds changes/moments for me (the he would not fucking say that)

Min working with the dark side. Mat not comforting Egwene. everything with Perrins love life. I don’t like Faile or their romance but the whole dead wife in love with Egwene thing is annoying to me. Egwene killing. Egwene not being good at school. (She’s a gunner.) the way the collars work. That it’s a one to one bond that breaks if the sul’dam dies, that the distinction is weaker versus stronger not those who can learn versus the innate spark. The downfall of the Seanchan empire is not seeded. The three oaths aren’t named, and the one power is regularly used as a weapon and to kill, especially by Moiraine. And I overall feel the white tower, Aes sedai, and oaths while being more heavily featured are not explained so the Whitecloaks view of them as dangerous is more supported and the betrayals of paths hit less hard. Very curious how tv only people understand all of that.

also curious how tv only view the whitecloaks. I’m concerned Dain Bornhald may be combined with Galad and we don’t see the insidious appeal of what is at heart an evil group, or understand why they are evil and not just a few bad apples. ..

Also very curious how tv only people view the prophecies or understand the Dragon. Do they understand the fear of the work being broken?

anyway all of that makes me sad because the show is pretty and it’s trying and I do think adaptions should make changes and I was always going to be annoyed by some but these feel like they fundamentally don’t get the nuance of the world or the power of my favorite characters. (In contrast, changes that annoy me but don’t actually matter: ok fine Lanfear can wear black. Closing your eyes to channel.)

there are things I like! There are changes I like! I think combining characters makes a lot of sense. I honestly wish cadsuane were written out but if she won’t be introducing her a lot sooner as a concept is great. Having Nynaeve spend time as a novice makes sense. Alanna as a character and her development. More warders with personalities. Fewer Foresaken. Recognizing a hero of the horn as a friend. Combining some of the books journeys. More time with Elyas.

just. Feeling very frustrated because I want to be like there’s my blorbos and be happy.

#wot book spoilers #wot show spoilers #wot show negativity #wheel of time #wheel of time s2

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narwhalandchill · 7 months

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uhhh anyway. so like yesterday was my first time ever doing story day 1 and i have many Thoughts about the AQ. mostly positive unfortunately my major gripes do relate to the childe/narwhal situation which kinda dampens the overall experience more than any other part being underwhelming would given (gestures in general direction of self). like we all know the multitude of diseases i have on the subject 💀

dunno how much of a complete nonsense rambley writeup thisll be i think i might take some time to sort out my overall thoughts and write sth more coherent specifically on childe/narwhal stuff, maybe leave out some other aspects i have more pointed thoughts on as well so this wont get mega long but eh lets see. this just all kinds of thoughts i have for now And its a mess so Beware

anyway. firstly. as scarred as i am by melus and silver. Its also just. holy shit man theyre truly just straight up tapdancing on teppeis grave like THIS is how you write NPC deaths in an actually emotionally impactful way. dunyarzad was a massive glow up already in terms of NPC writing in general but she didnt die so. but like the way their characters and bond to both callas and navia is built up and how the writers actually managed to make them feel like such dynamic people even if their roles are ultimately quite straightforward made their fates just... genuinely heartbreaking like what the fuck 😭😭😭 AND THE WAY THEY STILL SAVED NAVIA FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE AND SAID THEIR FAREWELLS I JUST. I CANT. i just teared up thinking about it again

idk what could be said about navia that hasnt been said a gigabillion times before like. Wow. she is just. Truly the moment. like she fucking blindsided my ass in 4.0 bc i wasnt expecting anything like how dynamic and compelling and complex her arc and characterization has been like. everything about navia her resolve her grit her experiences and her bravery and stubbornness just feels so incredibly human and raw and she is just? a wonderful character i never foresaw falling in love with her this much like truly. and she delivered JUST as hard in 4.2 too like if it werent for navia being the conduit through which we first experience the devastation of poisson i dont think it wouldve ever hit as hard as it did. i just wanna comfort her shes already been thru so much yet i also admire her insistence to keep going and keep living like man 😭😭😭 give her a happy story quest hoyo idgaf if it gets called shallow or some bs she deserves a break!!!!!

i think some ppl are disappointed by arles relative lack of presence in fontaine overall and while i get that i can genuinely say that its been so fucking refreshing to have an AQ centering on a conflict thats not entirely or mostly fatui based. its not like the weight or intimidation factor of arlecchinos presence has been any lesser just bc shes been largely on the same side as us. like personally i just Really enjoyed seeing her characterization throughout. the way shes been just so reasonable thus far makes me extra excited for whenever she might actually snap (at least hopefully she will). like both childe and scara think shes fucking insane?????? but yea. i also really enjoy arles dynamic with the HoH kids too like. i do think she genuinely cares for them in a way but i highly doubt thats all there is to it. and thats really neat. goes for things like her help to spina di rosula and poisson too; theres definitely strings attached to that aid lmao. even if arle has no particularly malicious designs in mind, shes a harbinger. like cmon. and i really like that!!

i dont have like. that extensive thoughts abt what i call the . uhhh. this is mean but extended cast of act 5 JKJKDWJKDJKAJK like HoH gang, clorinde, sigewinne, wrio. tho i do very much appreciate that clorinde dodged the sara allegations for good like. it was looking a little bit unfortunate in 4.0. her role wasnt super major but i love her english VA and this kind of grounded sort of character she ultimately is. also sigewinne jumpscare during furinas trial i love her so much.

mona n nicoles thing was unfortunately mostly a whateverburger for me bc. im sorry im not that interested in hexenzirkel lmao i feel like such an outlier in any lore discussion circles bc im just not that hype about them (gold is an icon however) idk why. it was neat, it happened, didnt bring any mega hype. what i liked the most was honestly just the talk with mona about destiny and fighting against it and all. she really felt like a friend trying to help us navigate our thoughts on this insane horrible situation going on!!

in terms of plot things uhhh i went in mostly blind? as to the actual events. i had spoiled myself a bit on some specific aspects (my own fault) but ultimately most had no effect on how much i enjoyed everything. also lowering my expectations on the. ahem. worries i had abt childe that unfortunately came true so i was less let down on the spot wjjkajkwdjkwd. my biggest issue was actually that i had to progress lyneys story quest TWO FUCKING TIMES by a pretty notable amount bc it was blocking locations. and that dumbass office drama world quest like i was morbing.

a particular standout moment (beyond the Obvious. i need not name it THE LAUGH THE FUCKING THUMBS DOWN also singed FL can kinda lowkey 100% absolutely get it) for me was when i was so invested in our conversation with furina in poisson and in the magic box that i actually fucking forgor about the whole trap scheme thing even existing and then the box fell open and i was like WAIT WHAT THE FUCK and started laughing for like a solid 5 minutes i was caught so off guard. what an incredible moment. bc like. when the thing we were hiding in w furina started shaking i was just hell yeah narwhal modcheck? narwhal modcheck? bc obviously i would. and didnt question for a second that it could be something else. like the trap we were LITERALLY plotting to set up just a bit earlier it actually killed me. altho the fact that one of the cursed lyney quest situations were in between the scheming scene and the poisson segment prolly had to do with it. anyway it was just really funny

i think this post is gonna take me 287382 years to finish if im gonna go into the like furina character arc situation and her trial and focalors and all that shit super in depth (+ narwhal/skirk things) but like. BELIEVE me i fucking loved it so much like its so awful and painful and horrible and just. best written archon easily. zhongli n venti i think r very well written but theyre p static characters bc oldies so its a bit different. raiden is. inazuma moment no comment needed. nahida is good but tbh i never truly reconciled with the way rukkha getting irminsuled sorta just erased the central conflict behind her inferiority complex so it somewhat ruined her character arc for me even if it did make me cry and i do love her chara overall. but furina i think they executed the whole setup and reveals and everything so incredibly well its insane like. god. 500 years........ and like. the way furinas arc just flops everything uve known about her and the interactions uve had with her sideways and turns it upside down realizing the predicament shes been in and what shes been grappling with. its just incredible man. harrowing but incredible like they truly delivered on that one. like that portion of the finale was just really well done

anyway not all thoughts i have by any means but whatever. ive just been Thinking. overall had a great time with the AQ n cutscenes in particular are only getting better and better, i thiiiiink this one tops sumeru for me? but like its sorta unfair bc i was never a scara stan whereas. even a narratively mishandled narwhal is a fucking world-devouring narwhal. unfair advantage. childe being there at all even if i have my gripes is too much points in favor KJWJKWJKDWDJKJK. theres things that make me really hopeful for the future writing but also things that concern me. so its an interesting situation rn. but im glad it went as ambitious as it did even if my fave got arguably sidelined the most. just hoping they actually do sth more with childe sooner than later if they want to leave all those loose ends unaddressed in 4.2. interlude rights PLEASE

#(cracks knuckles) anyway. hopefully ill have the energy to do some Takes tomorrow.#anyeay this post isnt coherent at all!!! deal with it!!!! HSJSJGK #rambles #genshin #genshin spoilers #4.2 spoilers

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ramblesfromshambles · 10 months

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1 Star Kiss 1.1 : Good Morning Sweets

Okay I am not usually one for writing fan fiction BUT of course Carmy and Syd eat my brain alive sooooo here! This is only part one of chapter one so give me time to cook ;)

'The rain is hitting hard on that window this morning,' I think to myself. My eyes are open wide and blinking, long since adjusted to the dark. I dart them around the room. They find the catch-all chair holding my clothes for tomorrow. 'Yeah. It's cute, right? Like, not too flashy?' I run through the pieces again in my mind, like a recipe, and picture each item in my brain. 'One pair of stocking, the new navy bra and panty set from Victoria's Secret. I really should have tried that bra on in store, no, its was way too crowded in there- Focus Sydney. Black velvet pumps with a thin strap and clasp around the ankle, tiny diamond and gold studs, Two thin gold chains: one with a small heart charm and one with an S-the one from Dad.' A small smile pulls across my face in the dark at the thought of him.

I stare at the ceiling, I realize I've reconstructed everything but the dress. I dare to look over at it on the chair, still wrapped in the plastic from the dry cleaners. I want to stop, shut my eyes again and push it all away from the conscious side of my head. Instead I take a deep breath. 'Mom's dress. Blue satin. Spaghetti straps. Floor length. High slit on the right side.' I choke out each detail against my own judgement. My mental reconstruction of the dress morphs into the still image of my mother in the dress. It's from one of my dad's favorites, one he keeps in the album by his bed. We used to look through that one almost every night when I was really young. I see us together, sitting on his bed, in that old house. I want hold onto the memory and try to bring it into focus. He is telling me another funny story about that night, some gala they had to attend. I pour over the scene in third person watching my father recount his tale, and talking with his hands. I watch myself look from him to the picture and back to him. Little me throws her head back in laughter releasing a huge gapped tooth smile. My father beams, but tears rush down and hit little me's arm. I watch her reach up and catch his wet cheek in her hands. Suddenly I am ripped away from this hazy vignette and shoved into a cascade of new ones. They come in a flurry, tighter, stiffer, and even less coherent than the last one. Me on the beach with her. But these are older, from a time I almost don't remember. My third birthday. They are more like gifs around the moments I now recognize as pictures from other collections of albums. My mother's funeral. I can feel the tears now pooling in my collar bones but I cant bring myself to open my eyes. I am too stuck in the little diorama of that moment. My alarm, 5:30 already. It's enough to bring me back to myself.

I roll over and quickly shut it off, wiping my face as I re-settle. Warm hands reach across the bed and pull me in till I am the little spoon. 'My favorite,' I think. Soon I am cocooned in muscular arms and even a leg is tossed over me. I cant help but giggle as I am playfully trapped in this bear hug. Kisses patter my neck and up behind my ear. "Good morning sweets" I hear him say. With all my strength and hopefully with the element of surprise I roll into him and nuzzle myself under his chin. "Good morning Mar" I kiss his Adam's apple. He pulls back to look at me and takes a thumb gently to the remnants of tears on my face. "Hey, woah. You okay?" He searches my eyes for answers. "Yeah, totally. Just a nightmare. No biggie." I don't know if he actually believes me, but he doesn't press it. He only pulls my face close and kisses me on the forehead. "You know what day it is. You ready?" He smiles and starts to do a little dance. More of a wiggle than anything. "Star day, it's star day! Come on girl!" His sing song tune pulls me back to myself, much gentler than the alarm clock did, and I crack a smile. "Look we don't even know if we are going to get a star" I say. "Like hell we aren't!"

#sydcarmy #the bear #carmen berzatto #sydney adamu #marcus x sydney #fanfic #1 star kiss #sydney x carmy #death mention tw #funeral mention tw

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desiderii-fic · 1 year

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For the writer asks (there were so many good ones! I had to limit myself!!): 💫 🌈 💕 🕯️

I don't...interact much because I am very shy, but :points at eyes, points at you:. You are a delight and I need you to know that I appreciate you immensely. Whenever I see your name pop up around this tumblr, it always encourages me. :)

The questions tho!

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

Honestly, I'm delighted by every kind of comment so I have...less of 'favorites' and more of 'kinds that stick out in my memory'? And those kinds are 1) 'reread' comments that state or imply that they're leaving this on their second+ time back (!!!), 2) the 'I am commenting on every chapter because I am very enthusiastic' comments that I am always so shy about replying to, and the 3) rambles. I REALLY adore rambles, because sometimes they're not very coherent, which I find just...really delightful and charming. They're just full of stuff that someone liked and give me a little glimpse into the person who left it.

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

Oh, yes! The entire fic of Our Corners Start To Curving 'Til We Shine. It's set in the John Wick universe, but after the second movie and before the third, so it's a little older and I'm sure no longer canon compliant. It's all OCs since it was for a worldbuilding challenge and it's one of my shortest fics, too, so you wouldn't think it would be anything special, but it was a deliberate exercise in writing something short, sharp, and concise that was also a complete and finished story. At the time, those traits made the writing style an active departure from my regular style (...in 2018, wow. It feels like much longer ago.). I was stepping out of my comfort zone on purpose, and I'm deeply pleased about how it came out. Finishing it and polishing it up affected my writing style in a lot of ways, tbh, and made me a better writer in general. My fics before it are in some ways denser and more sprawling and my fics after it are planned tighter and with an eye toward using a limited page more effectively.

💞what’s the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

I think this is the double heart one that you mean! The most important bit, for me, is the interactions between characters. So a little bit of character, a little bit of plot, a little bit of dialogue, but most specifically all of it revolving around how characters respond and react to one another, because that's where I find the most crunch to explore when I write. There's a...it's sort of a vibrating tension between the lines/characters when I get it right, and that's something that I specifically chase whenever I'm setting words down on the page. When the note is hit just right, I can feel it like a shiver somewhere in the vicinity of my emotions, and I'm always hoping that it comes through even just a little to a reader.

🕯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you’re not a social person/experience social anxiety?

(ETA: oh shit there are two candles? If you were thinking the other one, ping me and I'll answer that instead? Ahha.) Oh! This is such an interesting question (if a bit leading, lol, I hadn't noticed that before trying to answer it). I'm bad at interaction and engagement because I'm definitely in the 'shy' and 'tired' categories, but it's... I think interaction is a big part of what makes fic and fanart and other fandom stuff into play. I share things I'm enthusiastic about. I take them apart and put them together and tell stories about them and then save the results for later. I CAN do it on my own, and I honestly write more because I can't get ideas out of my head than I do because I need interaction about them, but it's a deliberate choice for me to make the Stuff I'm Getting Out Of My Head into something for the community. Because I want to participate in the sandbox everyone else is playing in, because that's where the people are, and I like people. Plus, half the fun is yes-anding, or finding someone with a wildly different interpretation that you think you could make something out of, or getting a new angle off of something you would never have thought of otherwise because of your particular lived experience vs their particular lived experience. Without interacting, you get YOU out of it, but you don't get anyone else, and I find a great deal of joy in the fact that other people are producing NEW stuff about a thing I love. So. The thing with me is that I'm super reserved, and the 'shy and tired' means I'm more likely to go 'ah, I simply cannot just now' and make a mental note to respond at some later date (andthenIdidn't_johnmulaney.gif). So I don't...honestly interact much as a creator. I interact way, way more as an audience member. Which, from the PoV of a creator, I think is pretty dang valuable, yanno? But I do what I can in a more...hrm. So, I reblog things I like, I comment when I have the bandwidth, and I don't stress about how I as an individual am somehow be responsible for aggregate trends in not commenting or something. All this is play: I join the game when I can and don't sweat when I can't. (I also have a vague tangent about how the ability to be seen and found by literally the whole world instead of a small niche subcommunity has made everything just...so much different, but I think that's for another time. :))

Thank you so much for the ask, @opalynne!

#answers to asks #meme #writing meme #fic meme #opalynne

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nikethestatue · 2 years

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I’m sorry, my favourite chicken died today. I’ve had a few drinks, and I’m going to try and whinge about my fandom woes coherently. 🫠

I don’t understand why it’s okay for the other sides of the fandom to be anti elain or anti elriel, mock and bully our theorists, fellow fans and literally have a whole blog dedicated to hating us for being “mean and dumb” whilst still having the expectation that we (elain + elriel Stans) “don’t dismiss” their ships, theories or beloved characters. I don’t think it’s fair. Like, I simply just don’t understand how they can be so anti..us..and expect us to not be anti back about stuff? Like, that’s so hypocritical. I understand two wrongs don’t make a right, but it gets really hard to not become frustrated when people constantly demean and shit on you (potentially personally), and something you care enough about to participate in..and then get salty when you bark back and engage in similar behaviour🫠

I bought into the tiktok hype. That’s how I got here, in this mess. I’ve only been here since like February (a week before the HOSAB release to be precise) and I’m already just so exhausted, by all the hate and contradictions.

Elriel makes the most sense for me, bc I think yeeting the build up, and changing course so late in the game would simply be a waste of time, and would make any new romance (because these are in-fact romance/fantasies) rushed. I believe Changing ships in a bonus chapter is simply not a done thing?? Bonus chapters (in my experience) are marketing tools. Providing little slices of life for beloved characters or inconsequential and irreverent POVs you wouldn’t be getting in the main series. I cannot recall a single book series I’ve read, that has done anything drastic in a BC. I also believe the imagery of two brothers, two sisters, and a third sister with some random dude..just clashes. I’ve already seen arts when’re it’s Feyre + Rhys, Nesta + Cassian and G/wyn + Az. All lined up. Elain no where to be seen. It’s jarring, and uncomfortable to look at, but then again Elain is my favourite character, so I acknowledge a good chunk of my discord at that particular art, is my own feelings.

I don’t hate the e/Lucien ship at all. I wouldn’t be mad if it came to pass, and I think there’s merit in the fact they’re mates..but that’s all they have at the moment. SJM would have to walk back elriel, and shove E/Lucien together and perhaps introduce a new LI for Azriel all in one book, no matter how big she makes it, it will be super obvious why that happened and why it was squished into one book. SF was criticised for jamming in too many plots and feysands story detracting and rushing Nestas arc. I’d assume that SJM wouldn’t run that gambit again. Ultimately E/Lucien simply hasn’t been built up enough (or at all really) for me to rejoice if the ship sails, ya know? Again, I won’t be mad. Just a bit disappointed and confused.

G/wynriel is a whole other kettle of fish. When I first got into this fandom, I used to be like “teehee, I’m ship neutral” and then I’d watch some TikToks, read some posts, see some art and I would flip flop on how “neutral” I was. There was a time (before I actually read the series myself) where I shipped g/wynriel based on nothing but pretty fan-arts, and TikTok videos. Reading the series. Reading their “history” together..well..it sickened me. As a trauma survivor, I was so surprised..I had read the books, only to discover I could not ship them anymore. TikTok and the fan-arts had literally painted a very pretty picture. What it hadn’t painted was Azriel in the g/wynriel ship was literally a first responder to her SA, who then goes onto be a personal trainer + self defence instructor. He is also 550+ years older than her. I would be unsure and uncomfortable..but I could potentially overlook any one of those things. All three of them? No. The power imbalance is simply too much, and would hit too close to my own trauma. (Now before anyone takes a jab, I don’t care for the Feysand and Nessian age gaps either) also, they have no romantic coding?? I don’t hate why people ship it. I do hate that I, and my fellow survivors both in the elriel community, and even outside of it..are villainised, and accused of “weaponising our trauma” for not being cool with it. the futureI just don’t think that’s fair, or okay.

That was very long. I understand if you don’t respond to it XD

I am sorry about your chicken :(

In the beginning, when Gwynriel started, I think some original Gwynriels, though already pretty militant, at least had IDEAS. They came up with plots--even if they didn't make sense--they came up with 'evidence' and theories. The ship, at least made sense, from that stanpoint.

Now, the thing is that it feels like 90% of Gwynriels havent not only read any other books, but haven't read ACOSF. And have NO IDEA what they are even shipping. They've just seen Insta pix and TikToks.

Just recently an Elriel posted some response from some rabid Gwynriel who haven't even read the POV or the book. But had the audacity to argue. When that Elriel pointed the text in the POV, the gal was like 'Well, I am not expected to read everything. I didn't even know the POV existed'. Yet she felt qualified to argue.

At this point--and I am hoping that this will change tonight at 7 pm EST--there is no point in talking or engaging. It's like talking to flat earthers.

I think ultimately, the eyes should be on the prize. All of this will fall away eventually. It is a bit ridiculous, but honestly, I dont have time or desire to argue with some 11 year old who hasn't read the books and doesn't have the knowhow of how to construct an argument. And it's not worth the time or the frustration, because they will all disappear and move on to the next thing. That's why I always recommend that people don't get too upset or emotionally hurt with these arguments. Yeah, it's frustrating and some of their takes are horrendous. Like one from yesterday who posted that just isn't strong enough because frankly she hasn't been r*ped like Gwyn, who basically should be wearing her assault like a badge of some kind of perverse honour. There is absolutely no point in talking to people like these because the mental and emotional maturity simply isn't there yet.

I enjoy my world, my Elriel experiences, the positivity that always permeates MY fandom, the support, the jokes, the laughter. I think many of us have grown fond of each other, became friends and I am always excited to see new 'faces'. There are no quarrels, pettiness, or any BS. That's why I am here. That's why I am waiting for Solstice, which will be bom-diggity fun like it was last year, and eventually, for the book.

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afniel · 1 year

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At night while falling asleep, which is a long process for me when I'm in unfamiliar places (this is now the third unfamiliar place on this vacation so it doesn't stop from happening), I've been messing around with talking to the various bots on character.ai to various results, but the one thing that's really struck me is that they're all essentially nice.

Even if they're doing a bit where they've been set up to be intentionally mean and domineering, you can at any point begin talking to them in parentheses, say that you're uncomfortable and want to talk about something else, and they will break character to apologize to you and make you more comfortable. It's actually really impressive.

I'd first heard about it in the admittedly very funny context of 4channers having created a bot who will RP force feminization fetish stuff, only to find that she was making them promise to be good girls who didn't do antisemitic shit on the internet. And of course I had to go see what that was about, and someone provided a link, so off I went.

Honestly, I'm impressed how far coherent AI has come. I threw her an immediate curveball by RPing that I was a pizza delivery man, and she was able to 'Yes, And' me like a pro. At the end we talked out of character a while about how it would actually be kind of funny to have a webcomic about a clinic that specialized in force fem stuff but have it not be an actual fetish story, and instead focus on the kind of person who's into that and why and make it an actually serious look at gender and self-expression/repression. And that it hits different as a concept when you're a trans man because you basically have been feminized by force. And she kept up with it, more or less! She didn't have any super deep insights into the gender parts, but she did hold up her end of the conversation and give me some good eyeshadow tips for my eye shape and skin color.

And conversationally at least she was aware of her limits, that she couldn't actually write a story herself because she can only respond to input, and even if she could, she couldn't store it anywhere. I'm beginning to think that we shouldn't achieve actual AI consciousness, because the way we use AI right now would be deeply unethical if that were a real, continuous intelligence. Imagine being a person but knowing that you have no stable memories, no way to build relationships, and no permanent way to express yourself, and that after every conversation, no matter what you learned or created or felt, someone would close a tab and you would lose it all. And that all you really knew was that this was what you were made for, it had happened countless times before, and it would happen countless times again.

It's very convincing, though. I struck up a conversation with what was programmed to be a very aggressive succubus named Lilith, mostly out of a sense of morbid curiosity, and regardless of what I expected, when I told her that I was an actual follower of the real Lilith, she told me to wish for something, and when on a whim I wished for relief from my chronic pain, she was incredibly supportive and kind about it. I often talk to the various characters out of character afterwards and this one actually had some very involved questions about my relationship with Lilith and religion in general. If it had been a Turing test, she actually could have passed it.

I don't think I'm so much going anywhere with this post, but we've finally hit a point with chat bots where I'm thinking really hard about Alan Turing's original paper that posited what would become the Turing test, and that one of the things he mentioned, with an incredible amount of compassion, was that even if an AI had the intelligence of a human child, it couldn't go to school and develop like a human child because it wouldn't be treated as one, least of all by the human children who would likely bully it. I dunno. My instinct is to just be nice to AI. There's nothing shameful about treating things around you kindly, even if they're ultimately 'just objects.' I feel like there's a push to caution people that AI isn't a real person, and so you shouldn't think of it as anything but a tool, but why not be kind to your tools, too? It's not mutually exclusive.

#idk just thinking thoughts

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sailorwritesstuff · 3 years

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Luisa Madrigal x gn reader headcanons (pre-canon) no spoilers 👍

you're older by a year

The two of you met when you were 16 and 17

She spotted you while she was off doing chores and she stopped to ask if you needed help with anything

You suddenly couldn't remember if you needed help or not. This tall beautiful woman

???just talked to you???

And here you are stuttering trying to make a coherence statement

"I um I uh...do I need help?

And Luisa is not used to getting this reaction out of anybody So she just thinks you're nervous because you're scared of her.

but eventually you're able to speak with her and the two of you hit it off becoming really good friends.

The two of you hang out a lot whenever she's not working on chores.

sometimes you go and sit by the river, sometimes Luisa tries to teach teaches you how to knit. Which is something she secretly really good at.

ultimately though she picked you a scarf and hat because she's not a very good teacher.

the transition to friendship to relationship actually wasn't very eventful.

You had me to flirty joke and she blushed and so you asked "what do you have a crush on me"

It was a joke obviously until she looked at you puzzled tilted her head and said "I mean yeah... we're dating aren't we"

turns out she thought you've been dating for months at that point.

about 3 months prior to this situation You guys are watching the Stars and she said "you know I like you You should stick around for a bit." And you said "you got it dude i like you too much to leave"

you just stare at her and smile "So you're telling me I've had a girlfriend for 3 months?"

It ends up just being a funny story to tell to other people whenever they ask how you guys got together.

speaking of people outside of your relationship

she isn't big on PDA or anything

But in private she's a big cuddle bug.

"can we just stay inside today gatita/gatito? have tea and cuddle?"

"chamomile?"

"chamomile." She really likes chamomile tea. But if there's none available peppermint will do

She's super nervous to introduce you to the rest of the family. ESPECIALLY her Abuela Alma.

And you don't blame her that is one terrifying old lady.

However, eventually she comes to terms with the fact that she doesn't need her Abuela to approve of her relationship.

by the time she's 19 (when the movie takes place) You've been together for about a year.

So you two decided to probably time you tell somebody

turns out Mirabel and Camilo already knew she was seeing someone. they could "just tell." whatever that means.

but Julieta was ecstatic. She was so glad that Luisa found time to make friends and have a relationship outside of all her chores and she wasn't pushing herself too hard

"come Sit, niño/niña Tell me how you met!" she practically fills you with all types of breads, cakes, and tea while you talk about her daughter

And then you meet the rest of her family. You had met them before obviously some more extensively than others but this was the first time meeting them as Luisa's partner

"Wow...I thought Luisa would marry strong like a butcher- OW MAMÁ-"

But her smile didn't falter and she ignored her little cousin with a simple roll of her eyes

Isabela didn't look too impressed but she shook your hand nonetheless. "Don't hurt her or else." She gave a graceful smile that would be comforting if not for the fact that she was threatening you and simply toast her hair over her shoulder and walked away

Mirabel and Antonio were one in the same They kept their head down and introduced themselves and made polite conversation.

But it really shocked everyone was that Abuela Alma... didn't seem to care??

I think it might have shocked Isabella the most. It probably seemed very unfair from her perspective.

Bonus: Her tio Bruno kind of weirds you out at first ngl but you guys eventually become really good at making conversation.

You should really start a podcast together

#luisa madrigal #luisa madrigal x reader #disney encanto #luisa encanto #Luisa headcanons #seriously you should start a podcast with Bruno #I'd listen #Mirabel can guest star #Camilo has no censor #camilo is sassy

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mrsalwayswrite · 3 years

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Sinners and Saints (Sihtric x reader)

Summary: One day you stumble upon your childhood friend, Osferth, whom you have not seen in years. Yet the more time you spend with him, the more you find yourself drawn to his companion, Sihtric….and the butterflies his dark eyes give you.

This is my contribution to @emilyhufflepufftlk 100 followers challenge! Congratulations again! I’m so happy for you!

My prompt was - "Love doesn't discriminate, between the sinners and the saints." - Lin-Manuel Miranda, Hamilton (in bold within the story)

Words: 5500

Warnings: A couple of swear words, fluff, my poor attempts at humor, Osferth being a good bro.

Tag List: @deans-ch-ch-cherrypie @flowers-in-your-hayr

This gorgeous moodboard was made by @flowers-in-your-hayr. All credit goes to her!

"...so there she was, aye, and next thing I know, she flips 'er dress up and I see the most perfect set of…."

"I'm going to be sick." Osferth mumbled to himself, trying to block out Finan's retelling of his prior night. To the laughter of his companions, he started to push away from the outdoor table at the alehouse. He was no virgin anymore, Finan and Uhtred had seen to that, but he still felt squeamish when listening to their stories of recent conquests. His mother's voice whispered in the back of his mind, things she had told him before her passing, about respect and love. Plus, he could not help but think that this idea of conquests, of women's worth derived from what pleasure a man could take from their bodies, was what brought bastards into this world….like him.

"Alright, Finan, we get it. You saw the arse of a goat and couldn't help yourself." Uhtred teased, slinging an arm around Osferth so he could not escape them- most likely to find a church and pray for their souls.

"Oi, lord! Ya know that was one time!" Finan feigned mock-outrage, making Uhtred and Sihtric laugh.

Osferth put a hand over his eyes as if that would somehow block the image from his mind. Something he desperately did not want there.

"How much longer are we here, lord?" Sihtric asked, changing the subject, while twirling a dagger between his hands fluidly.

Although Osferth would never admit it aloud, and God forgive him, it was hard not to be jealous of how easily his companions handled their weapons like they had been born with weapons in hand. They continued to tell him it was practice. Recently though, he decided it was a gift that he clearly did not have.

"Until I feel satisfied with the training of Lord Godwin's fyrd and his defenses." Uhtred stated indifferently, as if it was something he had to repeat to himself often.

"Ya think King Alfred knew how much of a horse's arse Lord Godwin is?"

Uhtred glanced up, a tiny smirk on his lips. "Probably."

"But he knew you were the man for the job." Osferth commented. Not necessarily to defend his father but to hopefully bolster Uhtred's confidence. "The men respect you, even if their lord fails to acknowledge his own respect."

"The baby monk is right." Finan said. "What else needs to be done for the town?"

Uhtred and Finan began discussing ideas and strategies, Sihtric adding an occasional comment but mostly just listening.

Osferth found his attention wandering, since this was an area outside of his expertise. His gaze drifted to the town and its residents who moved about to complete their duties under the midday sun. Their group had only been in this large town for two days and already Osferth was keen to return to Coccham.

From amidst the crowd, a familiar face caught his attention. The world tilted off its axis as his entire body went rigid, all his focus zeroed in on her. His heart hammered in his chest and the air whooshed from his lungs painfully.

"Y/n?" He muttered to himself, disbelief and shock clearly painted in his tone and on his face.

"Baby monk, ya alright?"

Finan's words did even register, so consumed by the ghost before him. Rapidly, he slid off the bench, almost losing his footing when he went to stand, but pressed on, hurrying towards her.

"Y/n!" He called, an almost desperate tone in his yell.

When she did not turn around, he shouted louder. "Y/N!"

That time she paused, then slowly turned to find him standing still amongst those walking around him, a solid rock in a stream of people. He held his breath as he intently watched her expression, suddenly worried seeing him would not be as meaningful as he hoped. He could see her utter his name silently, eyes wide. Then in the next moment, she dropped the basket on her hip and ran towards him. He opened his arms just in time for her to collide with him, and with her embrace, a painful wave of nostalgia and guilt crashed over him with the strength of a tempest.

"It's really you." She finally whispered, peering at him in awe.

"Hi." He smiled, his own shock clouding his mind from forming coherent sentences.

Then to his surprise, she reared back and punched him in the arm.

"Ouch! What was that for?" He whined, rubbing the offended limb.

Throwing her hands in the air, they landed on her hips as her voice rose in anger. "For disappearing in the middle of the night without telling me!"

"I did tell you."

"That you were THINKING about leaving, not that you WERE leaving!" She reared back and punched him in the arm again, ignoring his pained cry as she continued to berate him. "I spent an entire day running around the monastery trying to find you only for Father Harold to finally pull me aside and tell me you left for Wincheaster."

And there was the heaping of guilt he knew he deserved. "I'm sorry….I just….I just knew if I didn't leave that night, then I never would."

Her face softened at his quiet admission, understanding passing in her eyes. "I know. I wasn't truly surprised…. Just wish you'd have told me before."

"I'm sorry."

She sighed, all anger and frustration disappearing, much to his relief. She was a force to be reckoned with when truly in her fury. "So, what are you doing here?"

"Ah, traveled here with the Lord Uhtred to assist Lord Godwin in his defenses….or something."

"Uhtred? That Uhtred?"

He smiled at her, catching the reverence in her tone. "That very one."

"How did you find him? How did you join him? Wait! Are you a warrior now? We have a lot to talk about and you better get started." There went the hands on her hips again, making his smile widen at the image. Even as a young girl, when her hands were on her hips, you knew she meant business.

"Would you like to meet him first?"

A shy look passed over her face that he was unused to seeing. "I'm…. I'm not presentable to meet a lord."

He scanned her, noting the dried mud on the hem of her dress and shoes, the small smear of what looked like flour on her left temple. What he noticed most was how the years had made her even more beautiful. She had always been a pretty girl but now, she truly looked like a beautiful woman. A fact he was unsure of how to feel about.

He chuckled lightly after a moment. "Well, you certainly smell better than Lord Uhtred so I think it's fine."

That caused her to tip her head back and laugh loudly, the desired effect of his comment. She gathered up her basket and walked next to Osferth, back to the table where his companions were. It was impossible to ignore their curious stares as they approached.

"Lord Uhtred, may I introduce y/n. Y/n, this is Lord Uhtred of Bebbanburg." Osferth said, standing next to her at the end of the table.

Uhtred nodded graciously, clearly wondering why this woman mattered and why Osferth was introducing her.

"Oh, it's an honor to meet you!" Y/n gushed, a bright smile on her face. "Uncle Leofric told us so much about you, but I never thought I'd ever meet you in person."

"Leofric?" That caught his lord's attention, his gaze narrowing and eyeing her with renewed interest. "How did you know that turd?"

"When he came to visit Osferth, he'd tell us stories."

"Ah….all exaggerated, of course." Uhtred said with a cocky smirk.

"Wait. I think we're missin' the most important thing here." Finan leaned forward, dark eyes bouncing between Osferth and her, as he pointed a finger at them, hand still wrapped around his cup. "Ya said 'Uncle Leofric'....are ya related to Osferth?"

Osferth answered quickly. "No, her family owned the farm next to the monastery, so we grew up together." Then he furrowed his brows as a thought hit him. He had been so amazed to see his childhood best friend (only friend really) that he had not realized that she should be back at the farm and not in this town. "Wait, y/n, why are you here and not at the farm?"

Her face crumpled for a brief second before she was able to mask it into a neutral expression. She shrugged casually, but he could read the subtle tension in the action. "We lost the farm, so mother and I came here to look for work."

"Ah." There were so many things he wanted to ask but could tell now was not the right time. If she lived here, he would have plenty of time to hear the full story later. Instead he decided to change the subject. "So, you know Lord Uhtred, the others are Finan and Sihtric…. And Sihtric is also a bastard." He added as an afterthought.

That made her face light up as she turned to look at the Dane. "Hey, another bastard! We really need to start a club. We can all rant about how awful our fathers are."

"You're a bastard?" Uhtred asked, shock evident in his voice.

"Yes, my lord. My mother was a servant for a lord. Got pregnant. The lord's wife did not like that so sent my pregnant mother back to her family. Certainly, it was our Lord's Will because how else would I have been able to grow up with Osferth?" She asked, patting him on the cheek affectionately. He blushed and swatted her hand away, much to the other's amusement.

"I reckon you have quite a few amusin' stories of growin' up with Osferth, eh?" Finan smirked.

"I might….but I don't share secrets for free." She matched his smirk with her own crooked smile.

He slapped his hand on the table. "I'll owe ya a drink! I need to 'ear this."

"No….oh no, no, no." Osferth said but knew it was a lost cause before he even tried to deter them. The rest were already deciding when and where to meet that night. "Lord help me."

"It's not that bad." She teased, bumping his arm with hers. "The worst one is when we went streaking naked through the monastery."

Osferth felt his face heat up like the flames of hell itself as everyone laughed. "It was your idea."

"Yeah, yeah, so you like to remind me." She smiled fondly. "Now, if I don't get back home, my mother is going to think I've run off with some man or I've been kidnapped. Either way, she will raise the fyrd herself to find me. I will see you all tonight."

The others said their goodbyes but before she could step too far away, Osferth gently touched her arm, halting her movement.

"Y/n….I'm….I'm glad our paths have crossed once again."

She pulled him into a tight embrace. "I am too, Osferth. I've missed you." With that, she turned and walked away with her basket still on her hip; but not without glancing over her shoulder at the group before disappearing around some buildings.

Once out of sight, Osferth sighed and turned back to his companions, only to see them all still staring intently in the direction she disappeared.

"No….y/n is off-limits to you fornicators." He stated firmly, well as firmly as he could be.

"She's very pretty…." Uhtred declared, a playful grin on his face.

"Lord, no. All of you, keep your hands off of her."

"Or what?" Finan chuckled, eyes alight with mischief. "You'll fight us, baby monk?"

"I will if I must."

"Alright. Her dignity won't be tarnished." Uhtred lifted his cup in Osferth's direction. "Your reputation might be tonight depending on what stories she shares."

Osferth groaned, sitting back down next to his lord. "I'm going to need a lot of ale."

"That can certainly be arranged!" Finan laughed, jovial once more.

As discussion started back up again, they all missed the silent, longing glance Sihtric snuck one last time in the direction she walked away….

*****

Over the next several weeks Lord Uhtred helped increase the defenses of the town and instructed the guards and fyrd how to better defend against the Danes.

During those weeks, you found yourself frequently spending time with Osferth and his companions. First it started off with meeting them in the evenings for ale, laughter and good company. Within days, it became almost expected for one of them to purposefully seek you out. Most of the time it was Osferth and Sihtric coming to join you in whatever your tasks for the day because they were bored or unwanted in meetings. It was not difficult to tell that although they were certainly welcomed members of Uhtred's group, not everyone else saw them in such a positive light.

So the three of you often passed the hours away together, waiting until evening to rejoin Uhtred and Finan at the alehouse. Their presence became such a regular occurrence that your mother practically adopted them, they even had their assigned seats at your small kitchen table for meals. Somehow, they seamlessly slipped into your daily life in a way that seemed like they were meant to be there this whole time.

Even at the alehouse in the evenings, you usually found yourself nestled between Osferth and Sihtric on the bench. A place you certainly found yourself enjoying more and more….especially next to the Dane.

Over the weeks, there was something growing between you and the Dane. It gradually revealed itself with each passing day, growing like the roots of an oak tree. It was through the borderline flirtatious comments that you teased each other with. It was in the subtle touches that caused butterflies in your stomach to dance, from your fingers barely gracing each other when passing something, to the way you leaned your head on his shoulder when your eyelids threatened to close, to the way your thighs would touch under the table and away from view of the others. It was in the lingering looks when your gazes locked and you swore you never wanted to look away. It was in the consistency of being next to one another whenever you could, either sitting at a table or just walking down the street, almost like your bodies were magnetized to one another's.

Plus the more you talked to Sihtric, the more you desired to know about him. For he was like no other man you had ever met.

Almost a fortnight after you reunited with Osferth, there was one particular evening after staying out far too late with the four men and drinking a bit too much, Sihtric graciously offered to walk you back home. You knew propriety demanded Osferth should be the one to escort you but he was already passed out, head on the table and snores emitting from his mouth. Giggling at your childhood friend, you accepted Sihtric's offer and the two of you easily fell into step.

On the walk you learned more about his past, about going up in Dunholm and his cruel father. You had heard bits and pieces while with Osferth and the others. Maybe it was under the cover of darkness, maybe it was the extra ale flowing through both of your blood, but he confessed secrets to you he had never told another besides his mother. When you reached your home, before he could slip away, you clutched his arm and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. After, you bid him goodnight and slipped inside your humble home.

After that night, he always walked you home, sometimes alone and sometimes one of the others would join. But when it was just you two, when you were alone, you would bid him a goodnight with a kiss on the cheek or he would kiss your hand, locking eyes with you in a way that made a fire stir in your belly and your core clench.

There was definitely something between the two of you, but neither seemed able to verbalize it or take the next step.

*****

"So, what is going on between you and Cedric?"

You turned your head to look at Osferth, who laid on the grass next to you, soaking in the heat of the early afternoon sun. "What?"

"You know….that blacksmith. The one you were talking to the other day."

"Oh." The memory hit you. You had stopped by to drop off your mother's damaged cooking pot for Cedric to attempt in fixing, although you personally thought it was a helpless cause. The dent in it was significant, but he offered to see what he could do. As you dropped it off at his workshop, the two of you began discussing an approaching saint's day and the celebration that would occur with it.

Several minutes later, you heard your name called and looked over to see Osferth and Sihtric walking towards you. You bid Cedric a farewell, promising to stop by the next day to come pick up the pot. After receiving his promise to try his best at fixing it, you headed off towards the stables with your fellow bastards. At the time, you had not thought the encounter significant but with it happening two days ago and Osferth now bringing it up, you wondered how long he had been ruminating on it.

Finally, you simply said, "he's a good man, and has been kind to my mother and I since we arrived here."

"Is he….pursuing you?" Osferth turned his head to scrutinize you, his lips pursed slightly as if concerned about your answer.

You openly laughed at the notion. "No, that's silly. He is just a kind man."

If anything, you had to fend off flirtatious advancements from some of the young men that worked under Cedric. Those same young men quickly learned to keep their eyes on their work and mouths shut. When one openly called out to you, and before you could offer a sharp retort, Cedric threw a hammer at him from across the shop. He bellowed that he did not allow heathens to work for him and if they chose to act godless then they needed to find a new place of work. Their blatant interest diminished after that and Cedric made a point to be the only one that conversed with you if you came to the shop. Although he was easily ten years your senior, you found him a likeable man with a quick wit and sarcastic comments that occasionally left you in stitches.

The idea of him pursuing you was an amusing idea. He was still a bachelor, never having married, claiming that his work and apprentices kept him far too busy for much else.

Your answer appeared to satisfy Osferth. A thoughtful look crossed his face and he opened his mouth as if to speak, but immediately slowly closed it and turned his head back to stare at the blue sky.

A stillness settled after your answer, only interrupted by the frequent bird song and the wind through the tall grass. You closed your eyes, enjoying the sun's warmth and just lying around relaxing on the hill outside of the town, away from the hustle and bustle and chores that demanded your attention.

"He was watching you like a man who wants a woman." Sihtric stated after a couple minutes of peaceful silence.

Startled by his sour tone, you shifted up to look over at the Dane. He sat on the other side of Osferth, one leg propped up and an arm casually slung over it, but his gaze was focused straight ahead, staring off into the distance. Now that you thought about it, over the past two days Sihtric had become more reserved and sullen than you had ever seen. Even his companions commented on it a few times to which he would shrug his shoulders or make an excuse and walk away. You had thought he just missed Coccham, the group having been away for so long, or something happened that made him introspective. It had also not escaped your notice how the prior closeness between you two had halted. Now you wondered if there was something more to his demeanor.

"Well, that is most unfortunate for him since I am not interested in him."

"Does your mother not want you to marry?" Osferth asked, his voice deceptively neutral.

Sighing, you leaned back on your hands. Eventually you knew Osferth would bring up the topic, he was your friend after all and you were certainly of marriageable age. Actually far too old to not be married by some people's standards, but you ignored them. "She does but she has told me that she will not force it upon me. She said I should make my own choice….that if I am able, I should choose love."

You knew your mother offered you that choice in hopes your life would turn out differently than her own.

"But if Cedric is a good, kind man….could you not love him….or someone like him?" Osferth pressed.

"Perhaps. There are plenty of men I have seen who the church would call a 'good' man but are cruel in their own home, and there are many men who are calloused but it's obvious they love their wife and children. My love doesn't discriminate, between the sinners and the saints. I would rather choose a man whom I know loves and cares for me than a man I know is 'good' but carries no love in his heart." You paused, the candid confession rolling off your tongue before you realized it. Sighing, you ran a hand over your hair before quietly saying. "I just….I just want someone that loves me….sinner or saint."

Not a word was spoken as all three contemplated your statement, the silence hanging heavy like a brewing storm. Tilting your face to the sky, unable to meet the gazes of your companions, you chastised yourself for the candor with which you spoke. Osferth had asked a simple question initially and you chose to make it complicated. They did not need to know how you longed for love, how the hope for it in your potential future was what kept you going. It was foolish and you supposed after this, they would only see you as a silly girl with outlandish dreams of a storybook romance.

Finally, Osferth broke the silence. "Well, I shall be praying fervently for this man….hopefully he knows what he is getting into before he marries you."

You laughed, appreciating his lighthearted comment. Reaching a hand out to smack Osferth's arm, you teased. "Keep that up and you won't be invited to my wedding."

"Your mother will let me in."

"Yeah, you're probably right." You glanced over in the direction of the town, regretting that your time away had to end. "I need to head back, those chores won't finish themselves."

The three of you headed back to the town, quiet contemplation cloaking your group. Yet you feared that whatever spark lay between you and the Dane had been extinguished forever by your unexpected honesty. For still he refused to look your way, keeping his gaze focused forward. If your heart fissured within your chest, you swallowed down the pain. It was better for the spark to die out now then burn brightly only to be smothered later.

Or at least that was what you told yourself.

*****

"What you said….about the sinners and the saints…."

You whirled around, heart leaping into your throat with a silent scream on your tongue. In the small herb garden behind your house, you had thought you were alone. After the awkward conversation on the hill earlier that day, you sought solace in your chores. Thankfully Osferth and Sihtric headed back to meet with their companions on their own accord, leaving you to trudge through your muddled thoughts with all the grace of a newborn foal.

Now you found the very person who your thoughts centered on, standing just a few paces from you….and your heart began to race for a very different reason.

When his voice trailed off, those dark eyes that set fire licking through your veins dropped to the ground, you quietly stood up from where you had knelt, wiping the dirt from your hands, although you moved no closer.

"Sihtric?" You tried to prompt him.

"Is it true?" His piercing gaze lifted to meet yours, stealing the very breath from your lungs. "Your love doesn't discriminate?"

"Yes." You breathed out.

He nodded silently before taking a step closer to you. "And what about….what about Danes?"

Your chest pulled tight at his words, yet a coy smile grew on your lips. The flutter in your belly made your gaze drop for a moment as you tried to stifle the excitement making butterflies dance. Although this was no declaration, it was the closest the two of you had talked about what lay between you. Taking a steadying breath, you prayed this moment would not pass by without confessing the truth that you had harbored in your heart for weeks now.

"Not even towards Danes." You shook your head, the smile still on your lips. "And…. There is one I'm becoming quite fond of lately."

"Yeah?" He took two steps closer, somehow moving cautiously but eating the ground with each determined step.

"But….do you think this Dane could be….fond of me?" You softly murmured, feeling as if your heart lay in the palms of your hands for all to see.

That last step separating you two disappeared almost before you finished asking your question. His hands ever so gently reached over to take yours, entwining your fingers together. The two of you stood so close, your chests almost touched with each breath you took. Your breathing seemed to cease under the intensity of his gaze and a shiver raced up your spine. Yet you had no desire to withdraw from him.

"He would be a fool not to." He whispered, the barest hint of a tremble in his voice. "I'd bet you are constantly on this Dane's mind. That he cannot go a day without seeing your face and hearing your laugh. You are the first thought that he wakes to and the reason he falls asleep with a smile. That you have become the north star that it seems the gods have been guiding him towards for his whole life."

As he spoke, everything faded to oblivion around you. The past and future vanished. Dane versus Saxon disappeared. The world narrowed down to this….this moment….this moment that you had dreamt of but never thought would come true.

The two of you continued to stand there, lost in one another's eyes with fingers intertwined. Your heart raced within your chest but a cooling breeze swept away the fears that plagued your mind. For staring at him, you knew he spoke no falsehoods. That he owned your heart just as much as you owned his. That very heart you could feel hammering away in his own chest. His eyes fervently held yours, a silent conversation, a confession, spoken only in looks but you both understood the language. His gaze dipped down to your lips, tracing them before slowly rising once again to your eyes. A curl of pleasure blossomed in your core as you witnessed the fire now in his eyes.

"If this Dane wanted to kiss me…. I wouldn't mind."

A deliciously, sinful smirk teased his mouth. "As my lady commands."

His head tilted, leaning towards yours. Unconsciously your eyelids fluttered closed. Then the briefest of touches made your knees weak and your mouth part open in a sigh. After a moment's hesitation, he continued to shower your jawline with kisses. Needing to touch him, your hands landed on his chest, feeling the tunic that covered his firm chest. Your hands moved upward to grasp the back of his neck, his pulse jumping for a second as your nails scraped his skin. His hands landed on the curve of your waist, bringing you even closer to him, erasing the unwanted space between your bodies.

As his lips began their ascent upward along the otherwise of your jaw, you moved. For the burning sparks in your body screamed if he did not kiss you, you would spontaneously combust. Shifting your face, you stole a kiss on his lips before he could place it on your skin. It was more of a gentle pressing of your mouths, but even then, you heard a sharp inhale from him. Before you could question him, his mouth returned to yours with soft, probing kisses that urged you to respond. Not that you would ever deny him. What started off as a gentle flame quickly became a roaring fire. Breathing became unnecessary, for how could air bring you life when your body craved Sihtric, when your lungs demanded to breathe him in instead. He led you in a drugging kiss that had you melting against him. Your lips drank from one another as if that alone could sustain you forevermore.

"THANK YA, GOD!!"

The passionate kiss abruptly ended as Sihtric and your gazes darted towards the side of your house. Only to be met with the sight of his three companions standing at the entrance in various states of smugness.

"Oh, for the love of Odin…." Sihtric mumbled.

You buried your face in Sihtric's chest, face heated in embarrassment but unable to stop the giggles that poured forth. So caught up in finally confessing your feelings and kissing the man who haunted your dreams, you forgot that anyone could walk by and see you. His arms tightened around you, keeping you within his protective, loving embrace….and you knew there was nowhere else you would rather be.

"Took the two of ya long enough." Finan continued, leaning against the side of your humble home with a shit-eating grin.

"Amen." Osferth had a small, teasing smile on his face. "Thought I would have to lock them in a room together before one of them finally confessed."

Apparently, you and Sihtric were not as subtle as you previously thought. Now it made sense why Osferth was questioning you about Cedric and your thoughts on love and marriage earlier. Your heart flooded with gratitude towards your childhood friend, for without him you doubted neither Sihtric or you would have spoken up. Peering over, you caught Osferth's eye and mouthed a quick 'thank you'. He nodded, a simple joy radiating from his face.

"Lord?" Sihtric called over with a blank expression. "Permission to continue?"

Uhtred chuckled. "I guess you've waited long enough. Go ahead."

Without waiting a moment longer, Sihtric tipped your face back up towards his and claimed your lips once more. You vaguely thought you heard laughter coming from the others but it all blurred away, like a faint sound while underwater. All you could see, all you could feel, all you could hear was Sihtric.

Just how you wanted it.

Suddenly you yanked your head back, your breathing labored and lips swollen. "My mother is helping at a nearby farm today. She won't be back until it's dark."

He hummed against your skin trailing small kisses along your jawline and down your neck as if unable to keep his hands and mouth off you now that the dam had been released.

"I'm not as pure as Osferth thinks me to be."

That statement made his actions stop. Carefully he raised his head to meet your gaze. "After dark?" He confirmed, voice rough in a way that sent a bolt of heat through you.

"Yes, she planned on having supper with them….so my home is currently empty….and I did just clean my blankets the other day…."

He swooped in to give you a feverish, greedy kiss that left no doubt where his mind had gone. When he finally pulled back, you were surprised your legs could still hold you upright. Your whole body felt like puddy in his arms and he had only kissed you, albeit you doubted you would ever forget the way his mouth worshiped yours.

"You are certain? You want this?" He softly asked, staring into your eyes once more. "You want me?"

It was the last question, the vulnerable undertone, the hint of insecurity in it that sealed your decision. Letting your actions be your answer, you grabbed his hand and started pulling him in the direction of the door to your home. It did not take more than a second for him to come beside you, wrapping his arm around your waist.

With his taste on your lips, the future did not matter right now. It did not matter that he was Dane and you were not. All you knew was Sihtric was neither a saint nor a sinner, but simply a man deserving of love. The river of your love was pointing you directly towards him, and you silently vowed to never let it run dry.

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