Writober 2023 31 - Fire
Summary: Shepard isn't feeling like himself since he came back from the dead. Garrus knows the feeling.
---
It was weird, being back on the Normandy. Hadn't it blown up?
Garrus had settled into the battery, laying out his cot and his sniper rifle. His face still hurt from taking a rocket to it, but the implants were healing well enough. Maybe in time he wouldn't notice it, or he would just grow used to the pain. Either way, he was getting used to the ship full of human terrorists that he found himself on.
It certainly looked like the Normandy from where he stood, but... he wasn't sure. It felt off. Maybe in time he would find it a second home, but he wasn't there yet.
At any rate, he was running diagnostics on the guns when a knock came at the battery door behind him. He cocked his eyebrow but approached the door and watched as it opened. Standing on the other side was the Normandy's commanding officer, the first human Spectre and probably the first person to ever come back from the dead.
Or the second, if he remembered right, because the man worshipped some human named Jesus who pulled the same thing off back when humans were still killing each other with sticks. It was kind of impressive honestly, but he wasn't exactly big on alien religions to know much about it.
"Hey, Garrus, just wanted to see if you were settling in ok." Shepard's voice was as soft and accented as ever as the door closed behind him. For someone who had been dead for two years, he looked good. Not the same - there was a lot of glowing skin and implants, too much honestly.
Also... what was on his head?
Garrus cocked his head to the side as he watched the man in front of him. "Apart from the rocket to the face I'm fine. I should be asking about you, though. How did you come back from the dead?"
Was he a clone? Cerberus probably had the money to clone him... but that would've required getting his DNA. Any Spectre would've had their DNA locked so that very instance couldn't happen. So, he probably wasn't a clone... but there weren't a lot of other alternatives that made sense.
Maybe he had pulled a... Jesus, was it again? What a weird name for a god.
"I don't know the specifics, just that Cerberus spent a lot of money doing it." Shepard grimaced at the thought - it made his implants glow red against his freckled skin. Why Cerberus had chosen red when blue was his color was beyond Garrus, but at least they hadn't picked yellow. "Honestly I can't say I want to know, Jacob said I was basically meat and tubes when they found me."
Charming...
Shepard sighed as he ran his hand over his head, disrupting the fiery red strands that hung by his shoulders. Garrus still wasn't sure what was going on there - that was definitely not something he had possessed when he had been alive the last time. Was it a Cerberus improvement?
The human caught him staring at cocked an eyebrow. "I know the implants are a bit much, but I can't be that bad to look at."
Garrus' mandibles twitched as he tried to think of the best way to phrase what was on his mind so he didn't offend his technical commanding officer. "No, it's just... what's the thing on your head?"
Spirits, even he thought that sounded stupid.
Shepard's eyebrow zoomed higher. "My... you mean my hair?"
Wait, he knew that one - humans had that. But it looked different than when Garrus had last seen him. Before, it had reminded him kind of like a turian's crest with how it stuck up in the front. This was... well it was different. Still red, though. He had the mark on bright red hair.
"It didn't look like that before when I saw you the last time." Garrus trailed off, feeling his mandibles flutter with embarrassment. "Can't blame a turian for not knowing."
The man shook his head, but at least he didn't look annoyed. "Yeah, human hair grows if you don't cut it. For some reason, Cerberus didn't think to do that while I was dead, so now this is what I have to deal with."
He didn't sound happy about that, to say the least.
"Couldn't you..." What was the word - oh - "Cut it if it's bothering you?"
To his question, Shepard sighed and shook his head. For the first time, Garrus noticed another difference about him. Before, even at his lowest moments when the Council hadn't listened or the Alliance had given him shit, there had been a fire in his eyes. That was gone now, replaced by a tired dullness that made the blue look dark.
"I... guess it's because I don't feel like myself right now." He frowned. "Like... I died. I don't know the full effect of what Cerberus did to me or if I'm even myself. For all I know, I'm just a clone they grew in a tank to replace the original Shepard because they couldn't actually bring him back from the dead. Who knows what they added or took away from me..."
He trailed off, dull eyes heading towards the floor. In that moment, he looked every bit the part of a man who had no idea what he was anymore. It was a feeling that Garrus knew all too well, and he frowned as he watched Shepard sigh. It hurt to see his shoulders so low, weighed down by the heavy burden that Cerberus had given him.
It was too much for such a small man, but they were making him do it anyway.
"Well... I doubt you're a clone." Garrus' words were hesitant. "You know, what with locking down Spectre DNA and all that. Even Cerberus would have problems getting access to that from the Council."
Shepard at least nodded a little at that, but he didn't seem too comforted by it. "Fair point, I suppose. But that just opens up a whole different can of worms if they actually brought me back from the dead. Besides all the implications of somehow managing it, the pope's going to take massive issues with someone else pulling a second coming without a cross. Though given he's in Rome I don't think he knows yet."
Pope? Was that some human leader? He sounded important... and what was with a cross being involved?
"I'm going to assume that would make sense to a human."
"Yeah, it was kind of a bad joke honestly." Shepard chuckled weakly, his shoulders loosening ever so slightly. "But if you see Cerberus coming at me with a big piece of wood in the shape of the human letter T, let me know so I can get the hell out of here."
... Yeah, that was probably funnier to a human. But at least he was trying to make a joke. A little light even came back to his eyes as he spoke, though it was nowhere near the quality of what it used to be.
But at least it was a start.
"I'll keep my eyes out." Garrus nodded - then winced. Ok, that had hurt. "Anyway, did you need something?"
"Yeah, apparently to check on your implants." Shepard frowned as he booted up his omni-tool for a scan. "I should make sure everything's settling in ok. You did take a rocket to the face after all."
Yeah, he knew - he had been there when the rocket hit him in the face and practically blew his mandible off. Still, if he was trying to be helpful, Garrus would take it. So without much complaint, he leaned down for the scan. With how Shepard was feeling, he would take whatever option he could to help.
After all... that's what friends were for, as the humans said.
---
Finally, after months of tracking him down, he had Sidonis in his sights.
Garrus had his sniper rifle set up and ready to go. He peered into the sight, finger close to the trigger. Down below, Shepard was just walking up to his target. His body was tense, probably because he knew what was about to happen. If Sidonis knew, he didn't change - he just sat there.
It made him an easy target.
From above, he got to watch as the human waved Sidonis over, just like they had agreed upon. The turian also looked tense, but it didn't matter. In a few seconds, there wouldn't be any tension left in his body, just the calm stillness of death. All Shepard had to do was keep him there and get out of the way.
"You're in my shot, move to the side."
His voice was a low growl as he all but hissed into his communicator. Much to his displeasure, Shepard didn't get out of the way. Instead, he stayed rooted in place, like a tree in a storm.
"Listen, Sidonis, I'm here to help you."
What the fuck was he doing?
Shepard continued on, voice calm like it often was during negotiations. "I'm a friend of Garrus'. He wants you dead, but I'm hoping that's not necessary."
Garrus' jaw all but dropped as he realized that the human wasn't going with his plan at all. In fact, it seemed as though he was keeping his head directly in interference with any chance at a kill shot. If he wanted to shoot Sidonis, it would mean putting a bullet into his commanding officer's skull.
His mandibles twitched as he aimed. "Damn it, Shepard, if he moves I'm taking the shot!"
Down below, Sidonis started to move - almost entering his line of fire. Garrus' finger twitched on the trigger, but then he had to stop. Shepard pulled his target back into the safety of his cover so fast it was amazing he didn't rip the turian's arm out of his socket. Apparently, Cerberus had boosted his strength.
"Stay right there. I'm the only thing standing between you and a bullet to the head."
His voice had entered that state it often did when he was negotiating for someone's life. Garrus had heard it countless times in the past, but this was the first time he was the one on the receiving end. It was infuriating to say the least, but there wasn't much he could do. As mad as he was at Sidonis, he didn't want to put Shepard in the grave for a second time.
"Fuck... look, I didn't want to do it. I didn't have a choice. What was I supposed to do, they were going to kill me if I didn't."
Sidonis' words were nothing but annoyance to Garrus as he listened through the earpiece. His rage was boiling over, to the point he considered trying to take the shot anyway. Maybe if he waited just long enough, he could get a clear shot when the man moved just a little to the side.
A little was all he needed.
"That's it? You were just trying to save yourself?"
There was an edge to Shepard's voice - he didn't like the damn coward either. Yet he wasn't fucking moving.
"I know what I did... I know they're dead because of me. That's something I have to live with." Sidonis heaved a sigh. "I wake up every night seeing their faces... accusing me. I'm already a dead man. Some days I just want it to be over."
Garrus' finger twitched on the trigger. "Just give me the chance, Shepard."
The turian was practically begging for death, one he justly deserved. Yet the human refused to move. He even glanced over his shoulder, his eyes meeting Garrus' through the scope.
There was fire there, a kind he hadn't seen since they had stood in the burning Citadel in front of Saren Arterius.
"You gotta let it go, Garrus. He's already paying for his crimes. His death won't bring them back, it's not worth it. All you're going to do is traumatize a bunch of innocent people."
He paused. "Let him go."
His voice reverberated with authority, like it had in the days before he had died. Something about it shook Garrus to his core, and his finger twitched away from the trigger. It was still hard to turn his gun away, but he knew in that moment he couldn't do it. He sighed and shook his head instead.
"Just... tell him to leave."
And just like that... it was over. Sidonis left his line of sight, scurrying off to wherever the hell he was wallowing. Shepard was left standing in his crosshairs, looking incredibly calm and collected. Experience told Garrus he probably wasn't all that calm, but he was good at faking it when he needed to.
He had to have known he was in the crosshairs... but he'd done it anyway.
---
Later that night, Garrus was back in the battery trying to distract himself with calibrations. His mind kept replaying the scene on the Citadel, how Shepard had been inches from death and still argued to save a man's life. Something about it made his hands shake, even as he tried to keep the guns running.
It had been foolish... but... it had been something the man would do. He should've known.
A knock on the battery door drew his attention. Garrus glanced over his shoulder and watched as Shepard entered and closed the door behind him. He leaned against it, arms crossed over his chest and face unreadable. His posture was... achingly familiar, reminding him of the original Normandy.
"I know you want to talk about this... but I'm not ready, Shepard. Not yet."
The man nodded, still keeping his position. "I know you don't agree with what I did, but it was for the best. Just give it some time."
Garrus shook his head as he backed away from the console. "Yeah... maybe that's what I need."
He met Shepard's gaze - the fire was still there. "I... want to know I did the right thing for my men. They deserved better. I just... even when he was in my sights, I couldn't do it."
And not just because Shepard's head had been in the way. Time and distance told him even if the human hadn't jumped into his plan, he probably wouldn't have been able to take the shot. He was right - too many people to traumatize. He could live with a lot, but... nothing like that.
"You still saw some good in him probably." Shepard nodded. "I get it... that little bit of hope is all you need sometimes to make the hard decisions, even if everyone else thinks they're crazy."
He would know - he was the master of going with what he thought was right, even if everyone disagreed and told him to stand down. In a weird way, it was admirable.
But it had almost gotten him shot, so he was also insane.
"Strong words from you, Shepard." He paused. "I... thank you, for everything. You stopped something bad back there, even though it could've killed you."
The human gave him a crooked grin, one that made his eyes light up. "Well, it wouldn't have been my first death, so I guess I'm an old hand at it now."
It was good to see the fire back in his eyes. For the first time since he had come back from the dead, Garrus really felt like he was seeing Shepard again. Perhaps he wasn't the only one who had needed time to sort things out. Maybe the human was speaking from experience in that regard.
He had missed the man.
"You're starting to sound like yourself again." Garrus returned the grin. "I suppose that means you're going to be cutting your hair soon?"
The human laughed at that, shaking his head. "Hell no, you should've seen how pissed off Udina was when he saw me - twit almost blew an artery. No way I'm giving that up for military regulations, I'm technically not even enlisted right now anyway."
Garrus hadn't realized he'd missed that laugh and desire to inoffensively fuck with people until it came back into his life full force. Something about it warmed his dark, cracked heart. Truly, it seemed that Shepard was coming back into himself - and not just because his implant scars were closed up.
If Shepard could come back from the brink... maybe he could too. It would take a lot of effort and time, but... maybe it was possible for him to get past it.
"And people think you're respectable."
That earned him another chuckle from the Spectre. "If ever there was a sign they didn't know me."
He smiled again, making his eyes light up like they used to do. "But anyway... I came by to say if you ever needed to talk, I'm here. I've been told I'm a good listener."
"I..." he paused. First steps, all that. "Maybe I'll take you up on that sometime. But not now... I have a lot of calibrations to sort through. Cerberus really did a number on these guns."
No doubt this was a retreat into the familiar, but Garrus didn't feel ready for that kind of talk yet. He needed time and practice first. Lucky for him, Shepard was a patient man.
"I'll leave you to it then." Another smile as he headed for the door. "Oh, and maybe don't tell Bo you almost shot me in the head. I'd never get off the Normandy if she found out."
With that, he left the battery behind to avoid his XO grounding him for life. Garrus watched him go, shaking his head before turning back to the console for the Normandy's main gun. His talons felt lighter as he tapped them on the keyboard, gearing up at another round of calibrations.
For the first time... maybe he felt a little bit like himself again. It would take time... but at least it was a start. And it was thanks to the man who had finally found the fire in his eyes again. Truly, he was lucky to have Shepard in his life.
Now... if he could only keep Cerberus from messing up the guns, he'd be perfect.
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Maika Fantasia - Chapter 3: High School Girl (Part 2 of ?)
(Disclaimer: Using “Bubble Translator” and making slight tweaks in case of broken English, here is a very loose translation! Due to photo limitations per post, only screenshots of specific moments will be present; otherwise, it’s dialogue translated via text-only)
Chapters:
Prologue - My Little Star
Chapter 1 - Catch Dream
Chapter 2 - C'mon, C'mon
Chapter 3 - (you are here)
Chapter 4 -
Chapter 5 -
Chapter 6 - Chosen One
Chapter 7 -
Location: Main entrance
Hayu: Whoa...
Sarah: This is...this is...this is quite a sight.
Udzuki: It's wonderful...
Yume: Yeah...!
Hayu: *nervous sound* It's so impressive that it's making me worried.
Manager: It's okay.
Eriha: Yes it is, now are we ready to go? I'll explain things briefly while you follow me.
Yume: Y--yes ma'am.
Location: Inside the school building
Himari: Wow...so cool, and so pretty!
Udzuki: Is this place new? The school building, I mean.
Eriha: That's right. It's pretty nice, isn't it?
Himari: Mm-hmm! It's soooo nice! I'm so excited!
Hayu: S--same here.
Sarah: If truth be told, I'm a wee bit hesitant.
Hayu: !
Hayu: Y--yeah...! That's right!
Sarah: Ufufun ♪
Eriha: Well, how about we head to the courtyard next?
Udzuki: Courtyard...! I wonder if they have any pretty flowers planted.
Yume: I can't wait to see it!
Location: Courtyard
Hayu: It's pretty here too...
Sarah: Oh look at that, y'all, I see some kids practicing on their own!
Eriha: Everyone attending here practices a lot. I'm sure you'll be like that one day too.
Yume: Wow...
Himari: I wanna do that right now!
Yume: Hey! I wanna do it too!
Eriha: Doesn't seem to be a bad idea to do it now? After all, I still have places I haven't taken you to.
???: Hey, it's a bargain! It's a bargain~
Sarah: What the...?
Himari: Huh? Is there a voice coming from somewhere?
Yume: Let's go!
Location: Department of Purchase (1)
Hualin: If you buy this, your physical strength will be fully recovered in no time! It's 20 yen off right now~ It's cheap! It's cheap~!
Yume: Ah...
Hualin: Ah...
Hualin: ...
Hualin: What can I say, running an office isn't always easy.
Yume: O--oh.
Hualin: It's a bargain~ It's a hyuuge bargain~!
Sarah: Like a wild horse that can't be tamed*...
Udzuki: ...um, but, it certainly seems like a bargain.
Hualin: You have great eyes!
Eriha: Miss Hualin sometimes sells things like this on campus, so if you want something, please talk to her.
Yume: Okay!
Himari: Hee hee hee~, Hayu~!
Hayu: ...wh--what is it?
Himari: I'm kinda in a daze...
Himari: This school looks like fun! Hayu is with me, and Himari is relieved and ready to have a blast!
Hayu: ...heh heh, I'm ready to do that.
Himari: Eh? Is that so? Let's have a blast together ♪
Hayu: [ (I can't, I can't let you worry about me, you seem to be having so much fun.) ]
Hayu: [ (...just because I'm insecure...I can't let that be a problem. Don't do this, me.) ]
Hayu: Yeah, let's do it.
<- Previous
Next ->
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(1) = literal text: ( 購賀部 ). On DeepL, it's translated as "Department of State Affairs (Tang-dynasty China)"
(2) = Sarah originally said, according to translation, "It's an abyss that must not be tapped." I just wanted to do something random with this line in relation to how I try to type her accent.
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Hello favorite author of mine! Here's a question that you don't have to answer if there are spoilers involved (and if so I'll ask again later, but I can't help but try now because I'm NOSY): I know you've said that Qi just appeared on the page while writing the 5 Times fic, so at what point did you realize what Qi's future in relation to Wu and Mako would be? Was it prior to writing ASoSaA?
So because you are you, I’ll give the long answer instead of the short one!
There may be some mildish spoilers ahead - so read or not as you please.
I’ve said before that I have set myself some challenges as a writer. Please Excuse My Penmanship was me tackling the dreaded letter fic (and there are still some people who will not touch it with a ten foot pole because of it) and I decided early on that Wu as a character would do really well with a first-person diary format (even though, again, there is a lot of hate out there for first-person fanfic and people won’t read it because of that).
LoLo was planned, absolutely. I wanted someone for Lin, and I wrote that character specifically as someone I thought would be a good match for her (or at least my version of her). All of the kids were planned as well - oh, there might have been some waffling about names (I went back and forth between Poppy and Lily for a long time but in the end I think Poppy suits her better) and even gender (Goba was supposed to be a girl but I just kept writing “he” over and over again and finally gave it up and let him be the boy he so clearly wants to be) but they were planned. (It’s why I know so much about Sayuri as well as Ikki’s kids). Naoki was written as my way of trying to take a character like Azula - a brilliant prodigy - and put her into a loving and supportive family, and see where that would take her. Would she be boring if she didn’t have that villain arc? Or didn’t have a redemption arc like Zuko? Could I make her the best bender of her age and still make her real? Likable? A character people resonate with? A character that people want to read more about? That was my own challenge when it came to the Butterfly, right down to making her a firebender who will eventually be jumping right into a Chosen One trope.
I had characters that were supposed to be relatively unimportant just take off. Nuo is a fine example of that. I was going to write about Wu searching for a secretary but realized it would bog the story down. (Wu’s recounting of it for Iris in AtWtPHM was my original idea that I had to scrap.) So I had to create this secretary for him out of nowhere. She was never meant to be as instantly engaging as she was; there was no plan at all to have Wing fall so hard for her. She quite literally just started happening in Dear Diary; I just got the fuck out of her way and let her run her part of the story. (It’s always best to let Nuo do that anyhow.)
Baatar Junior is my redemption arc, of course. His attraction to Ikki kind of hit me upside the head and I was like…no way! This could never work! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. (He was also a gift for my betareader - he’s her favorite character of all of mine, and so I knew I had to do right by him, as difficult as he is. And he is! He’s the most difficult of all of my characters, canon and OC alike, to write.)
So that leaves me with my Qi. That scruffy kid of non-determinate gender who showed up sitting in the chair next to a hungry Mako’s desk. As I’ve said before, I never planned for Qi. Qi just showed up on the page and I let them. I had no idea what was going to become of that kid; they took over the story like Nuo did, but in a totally different way. I realized very early on who Nuo was and what her future would be - she was going to stamp her way right into Wing and Zaofu’s heart.
But Qi?
Qi was a slippery little koi fish. I could never quite grab ahold of them - I tried to determine gender and it just wasn’t happening and I realized to myself that it was because this kid was actively rejecting gender and I knew I needed to let that happen. I did not set out to write a nonbinary character the way I did a trans character (and yes, I have an OC that is trans that not even my betareader knows about yet, because they will be coming out as part of the storyline). Qi made themselves nonbinary and as a writer I had to respect what the character wanted for themselves. And that’s how it has always been with Qi. I realized early on that this character wanted to write themselves and I made a conscious choice to let that happen instead of planning things out for them. How would this work for me as a writer? Would it be a red hot mess? Or would the character just keep unfolding, like a flower? Hopefully the latter.
My betareader can tell you that there have been several times that she has read something and said, Wait, I thought Qi was going to that other thing instead of this! And all I can do is shrug my shoulders and say, I know! But what can I do? Qi tells their own story. Qi doesn’t really care all that much for my careful planning, either.
It was during AsoSaA that Qi let me know that Qi was actually in love with Wu - that it had gone way past the mostly grateful crush that Qi had been sporting for Wu for years. Qi also made it clear that there were feelings for Mako as well. And it kept going from there. Qi’s changes as Qi gained confidence and an understanding of their place in the world - the learning to read and write, changing the accent, the true and unique fashion sense - were never planned. I just let Qi lead the way. There a few things I do know about Qi’s future; one or two things that are set in stone already. But Qi IS a slippery koi and just when I think I have grasped something about them they are out of my hands and swimming somewhere new and unexpected. I’m just following along as best I can. So what I’m saying to you is that I still don’t know what all Qi’s future holds for them. I really don’t. Qi will tell me when Qi is ready to as Qi always has.
I’ve had some questions from readers about the whole polyamory thing. Ikki is in a traditional Tibetan fraternal polyandry relationship; I wrote it deliberately that way. (So to be clear: There is no incest happening. Baatar and Huan are not sleeping together and they won’t be having any threesomes with Ikki, either. I’m not kinkshaming, it’s just not what I am writing.) It’s why the folks in Baidi Village are completely fine with the whole thing - it is the cultural norm for them. Because of this, their relationship is never going to cause much comment up north where the temple is. (That is obviously not the case elsewhere.) I am not writing my fic for kids and I have unlimited time and space for it so I can delve into some of those more traditional and geographical influences far more than Bryke ever could, of course. Most ATLA/TLOK fanfic relies heavily on Chinese and Japanese influences; I wanted something different. Asian influence, of course, but something outside the mainstream. Thus Baidi village was born.
My Wu, on the other hand, has been strongly influenced by Imperial China. Which the canon Wu was as well, of course. The Earth Monarch was clearly based on that. I’ve run with it. (I’ve researched and then talked so much about Imperial China that I finally sat down and re-watched The Last Emperor with my son. The movie does have its issues, of course, but it’s meant a whole lot of really interesting dialogue about racism and colonialism with him.) It makes me want to throw my hands up into the air and kick people when I get the comments I do about polygamy. “I’m not into it” or “The characters would never do that” or even “This whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.” Polygamy is a real thing in many non-western cultures. The ATLA/TLOK universe is not set on our Earth; it is not Asia, but rather Asian-influenced. But I will tell you one thing it isn’t, and that’s Christian. Western Judeo-Christian influences do not apply. Wu being a King in a dynasty that was clearly based on Imperial China would have had a consort and concubines. It’s just how it is. He’s not the king any longer, but he is a prince, and in his mind, having more than one partner is not only normal, it is to be expected. Qi obviously just swam their way right into that!
So this is my incredibly long-winded way of telling you that I really can’t nail down a specific time when Qi told me they were going to have a relationship with Wu and Mako! I still haven’t written the whole Qi and Mako thing out because Qi just hasn’t gotten around to telling me what it is yet. I am sure they will. When they do, I will write it down for the rest of you!
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