#and with someone who respects that I am asexual and experimentation won’t change that

[a-sweeter-solarsystem]

Happy Pride Month to everyone, especially those whose identities aren’t often included in pride celebrations!  Big love to all of you!!   (~￣▽￣)~ ♥♥ I think I’m comfortable enough to share my coming out story to the world.  Its not full of homophobia or dark thoughts like a lot of other folks, but I feel like it’s just as important to share the stories of those who had the support system that they were afraid that they wouldn’t have.  There are people out there who can support you!  There are people out there who love you!  Coming out is scary, but don’t automatically jump to the idea that no one will accept you because that’s the only story you’ve ever heard.

I came out in February of 2014, after weeks of questioning and experimentation to figure out what labels fit me best.  At this point in my life I was transitioning from 8th grade to 9th grade, already hitting the strongest point in my depression.  I wasn’t eating, I felt terrible, my mental state was breaking and I didn’t know how to feel anymore.

I came out to my friends first, figuring if they wouldn’t understand there would be no way my parents could.  I remember sending out that text message through instagram.  I was just so scared because I’ve heard so many stories of people coming out and being shunned, tossed aside, or even disowned for being LGBT+.  I was still very new to the community as well, and with no other family close to me at the time the last thing I wanted was for something like that to happen.

But to my surprise, they understood!  They were supportive and cheered me on!  And they sat there with me over text messaging just going back and forth while I talked to them about what it would be like for me to be who I wanted to be.  I told them about my mental health as well, explaining the causes for me feeling comfortable as being bigender.  I told them about how I wasn’t comfortable with my past self, and that I wanted to change for the better so that I didn’t have to suffer mentally anymore.  And then my friend group grew more and more and they were there to support every step of my recovery.

A day or two after I came out to them, I came out to my parents.  I wrote my mom an email, figuring she would be the hardest to get through first.  I want to share a little of what she told me in the email because it still makes me tear up with joy going back and rereading it:

“ Thank you thank you for confiding in me.  I am honored that you felt comfortable coming to me. First though, let me tell you I love you.  I will love you and respect you no matter what, whether you are a guy a girl or purple and brown spots, you are my kid and I was blessed that you came into my life. This is a very difficult time in your life.  It absolutely normal to question your gender and maybe try being the other for awhile.  If dressing and looking gender neutral helps you feel more confident, then fine.  Let me know the types of clothing or hairstyle and we’ll go.  You have a rough couple of years coming up with high school and i want you to feel and do what you need to get through it.  This is something that will take time to decide.  It won’t happen over night and while one day you might be ok with how you look, your body will through a wrench and change some more. These years are not easy!  I remember. Just grin a bear it and do your best.  But I will be there for you. Do not doubt it. “

A few days later I came out to my dad.  We took a drive around the area and talked things over, and he brought me to a small diner where we just relaxed and had pie together.  He told me I needed to start being more open with things, and to tell people when something was wrong.  But you know?  He was there to dry my tears and tell me silly jokes to make me feel better. The first step was cutting my hair short.  I pulled out a few haircuts that I liked and my mum took me to the best LGBT+ friendly barber she could find.  The lady was so kind and gave me advice on how different styles would work with my hair.  I remember laughing at the large pile of fluff on the ground as my shoulder length hair was cut short.  It was so freeing!  And looking into the mirror I felt like an entirely new person! I went to therapy not long afterwards, another step to my recovery.  My first therapist was so kind and understanding, and I shared with her so many thoughts that I just couldn’t speak about without sobbing.  She would give me a small notebook to write in in case I couldn’t talk, and she would smile with the patience of a parent as I vented my thoughts out to her.  Before I had switched to a psychiatrist she gave me a small stress toy with a story behind it.  I gave her the biggest hug because I felt so blessed to have her in my life. A few months down the line and I bought my first binder.  I was so cheery!  I wore it the whole day, just smiling to myself because I finally felt comfortable in my body.  I took so many photos that day, just me smiling wearing my first binder.

I didn’t really have to come out to either of my brothers.  I was comfortable with my family using my birth name, but had just requested that they call me Lukas in public.  Even throughout high school the worse I ever experienced were a group of upperclassmen guys who would harass my friends and I during lunch.  We brought it up to my principal and he walked with us to lunch the next day and dragged the group of guys all the way across the cafeteria so they couldn’t bother us any longer. There’s been times that I’ve been asked about my name as well.  There was a sweet old substitute teacher who came up to me during class and told me that she’s here to support me no matter what I choose.  And sometimes at work customers would come up to me and ask if I was transgender.  I’d correct them, explain what being bigender meant and they would nod and talk with such kindness and understanding it almost brought me to tears.  I distinctly remember hugging one of the customers in the self checkout line, a complete stranger, but he was so understanding of my identity and so curious to learn what it was like with my identity I just couldn’t help it. This year was my first year on my own, hours away from home and in university. I was able to just be myself without an explanation.  I got to be in an entirely gender neutral dorm, with gender neutral bathrooms in a community of folks like me.  I made so many friends in one short year.  I owe a few of them so much kindness, especially my closest group who I was able to confide in with some of my strongest mental issues.  We were there for each other, to help each other bounce back and just laugh and be happy.  We could feel comfortable with who we were without ridicule.  It was so heartwarming! I am lucky to have such a comforting community supporting me: my friends, my family, my university and my work all supported me every step of the way.  If I’m ever asked questions I give them an honest answer.  I try not to hide my identity anymore, and instead be more open about who I am. It took about 5 years now before I can safely share this story and feel confident in my words.  It took five years of hard work to get to where I am today, a place where I am comfortable with myself and my labels.  I still have doubts and fears, but I’m sure we all do.  And for particularly harsh days I know that there will be someone out there to talk to and get me through the hard times. It is a long and winding road to come out.  I know not everyone has the same support that I did.  I was lucky, but I have to remind myself that this isn’t something to be ashamed of.  This is proof that there are people out there who will support and love you.  Proof that you’re not alone in whatever fight your facing physically, mentally, or even spiritually.  There are people who care.  There are people who listen.  And you just have to be there to find them.  You don’t have to suffer alone. I am so fucking proud to be bigender.  I’m proud to be asexual.  I’m proud to be biromantic and I’m so fucking proud to be akoiromantic even if it doesn’t seem like it at times.  These are aspects who make up who I am.  This is me.  I’m not some sad kid anymore.  I’m happy, I have so much to be thankful for.  And I have so many people that I want to thank for being in my life that there’s simply not enough room to share it all. Happy pride month to all of you!  I love each and every one of you!

[existentialterror]

A humble compendium of asexual dating advice

Happy asexual awareness week! I’ve been aware of (my) asexuality for 2.5 years now and am currently happily dating a couple very wonderful gentlemen. I’ve been asked for advice, and it’s also come up at ace meetups. While I can’t speak for everyone, I’m going to write what advice I would have liked to hear. Maybe you’ll find it useful too. For seeking out potential partners, I’m going to assume that you want to find a broad dating pool, and also that you want to avoid unnecessarily painful rejection. Some rejection is going to happen and in fact will always happen in any dating situation, of course. But while being ace is nothing to be ashamed of and isn’t something terrible you have to “warn” a potential partner about, there are a lot of very nice people who are just incompatible with ace partners, and our goal is A) for you to be happy, and B) for you and them to realize this incompatibility as early on as possible.

Online dating sites

I’d find the biggest dating platform in your region among the age demographic you’re looking at. As you might imagine, being in a big city or being open to long-distance dating helps. For a lot of places, that platform is OKcupid. Here’s my strategy:

Mark yourself as “asexual” in addition to other relevant romantic preferences.

Then, mention it again in the text of your profile. Asexuality is an umbrella term, so quickly describe what that implies for dating you. I like the phrasing “I identify as X, which for me means...” (This tip brought to you by several iterations of refining my okc profile, interspersed with new dates gradually getting less confused about what my actual preferences were. Trial and error: it works!)

After this, you can sort matches by asexuality. But there are also people who aren’t ace, but wouldn’t mind dating an ace person. I recommend the Chrome plugin “OkCupid (for the non-mainstream user).” Among other settings, it has an “asexual-friendly” setting that filters through a person’s question for ones relevant to ace dating, and shows you their answers on their profile page. Turn this one on and leave it on.

Click and message away!

Oh, yeah, especially if you’re a lady, you are probably going to get some sexual messages anyways, and you might get some messages asking you about the ace thing. All I can say is use that block/report button liberally, or just ignore them. (Screenshot the really weird ones to show your friends for a good horrified laugh. And then report the senders.) You can respond to anything if you want, but even if someone’s apparently completely nice and polite and is just curious about how the ace thing works, you still don’t have to respond to them - that’s not what you’re here for. There are also some ace-specific dating websites. I think the idea is neat, but haven’t tried any, and every ace person I’ve talked about them has said the same thing, but maybe you’ll be the first.

If you’re not sure how to describe yourself, I endorse this mindset about orientation labels being about communicating preferences. You might find it helpful too.

In person You can ask people out in person too! You don’t have to disclose being ace on the first date or anything, if sexual preferences haven’t come up. That said, I recommend getting it out there early on - see “The talk” later down.

If there’s a social or friend group you might want to date in, and the circumstances are right - the group is at least somewhat LGBTQ+ and/or sex positive, etc - maybe try to have it be known that you’re ace. It’s not a big deal, and it’s a reasonable thing to bring up if the conversation turns to sex, dating, etc. I like it because it’s an extra screening measure - if people approach you for dating, they’re more likely to have a sense of what’s in store. Even if they don’t know, a lot of dating starts with people telling their close friends that they’re crushing on so-and-so or “who is that, they’re so cute”. Even if the person gushing doesn’t know, their close friend might know and be able to tell them. Also, being visibly ace is pretty cool, and you might be able to help other people come to important realizations about themselves.

Polyamory

Obviously not for everyone, but if you think polyamory sounds interesting and there’s a local poly community (or you’re connected to ones via friends, internet, w/e), it might be worth checking it out. This can expand your dating pool - there are lots of people who dislike the idea of not having sex, but are more than willing to date people who don’t want to have sex, if they can get sex elsewhere. I also suspect poly communities also tend to be more aware of and cool with LGBTQ-ness and unusual preferences about sex, like not having it, but YMMV. If there are meetups around, or places where the poly people congregate, it might be worth going as a social adventure and seeing if the people there seem like the kind of people you can hang with. Poly dating is like normal dating, but a little weirder because we don’t have all the cultural scripts for things like “when do you tell a partner you’re dating someone else” or “what kind of small talk do I make with my metamour”. In general, communicate and be kind. I like the books More Than Two and The Ethical Slut. (I do worry there’s a minority of aces out there who really aren’t into to the idea of polyamory, but think it’s the only way they can date without ‘inflicting’ themselves on sexual people, and I want to be clear that if this describes you: hang on, don’t do polyamory, and look around some more. There are lovely people out there who will be thrilled to date just you, and it’s worth taking the time to find them.)

“The talk” At some point, you are probably going to want to have some kind of actual conversation in which you say you are asexual and what that implies for dating you. This might not be necessary if you’ve already talked about asexuality a bunch, but even if you think the other person knows, or it was on your dating profile so they really ought to know, have it anyways. They might actually not know, or they might have questions. It’ll also open up the floor for any concerns, and ensure that everyone is on the same page. I recommend doing this early on, when the stakes are low and both of you are still feeling things out. My guess is that it’s slightly better to have this talk face-to-face, but if distance bars or if you’re very shy, I’d say 100% do it via a text medium. Especially if you’re worried they’ll be weird about it. It’ll give you the space to choose your words carefully, and it’ll also mean you’re more likely to get a response that’s more thought out and truer to what the other person actually thinks, rather than their immediate first reaction. Fortunately, after this, you won’t have to talk about all this awkward boundary stuff again. Just kidding.

All the talks that come after

You have to keep talking about comfort and boundaries and what you want. This definitely isn’t ace specific. We’re messy people with bodies and lives. The edges of my comfort zone have changed over time, maybe from person to person as well, and they might for you too. Your partner will have them as well, even if they’re not ace. I have this sense that society has sort of a pattern of what a typical romantic or sexual encounter looks like - what kind of touching or contact happens, in what order, over what timeline - and that if that’s what you both want, you don’t have to talk about it much, but if you want something else, you have to clearly explain what that is. Maybe I’m wrong and nobody’s dating actually looks like the first case. Either way, once I’m getting physical with people I’m dating, even after we’ve had the “yes I’m ace” talk, they or I generally start another, more practical talk. I always feel like these talks are a little bit like pulling teeth, but even if you feel that way too, they’re good to have. There are some things that don’t naturally come up (or get remembered) long before you get physical, but that it makes sense to establish early on in the process:

Places on your body you don’t want touched

Activities or escalations you definitely don’t want to do right now

Kinds of sensation or touch you don’t like

Kinds of sensation or touch you do like

Ask your partner what their answers are too. They might be like “I’m up for anything” or they might not be. (Particularly if they’re ace too!) While I remember boundaries, I tend to forget the answer to “what kind of touch do you specifically enjoy” right after a cuddle session, and have to re-derive it from experimental evidence, at which point it sticks. I wish everyone had secret google docs about their gushy physical preferences for their dates to refer to. This is a tangent but I think it’s a great idea. Anyway, note is that you don’t have to precisely define all of your preferences right now in this conversation - you’re just giving them a road map for right now. You’ll keep having versions of it as things come up - “little to the left, ooh I’m ticklish there, not good”. It’s also reasonable to lay out some broad boundaries or preferences and then be like “okay, explore.” Expressing a positive response to your partner doing something nice (”that feels amazing”, etc) is highly recommended. Tips -

This article from Captain Awkward is not quite about this topic, but it’s relevant and sweet and powerful. You’re going to keep talking about preferences and boundaries and desires as long as you’re romancing, so you’ll figure it out.

If you’re up for it, giving each other back massages is good and classic practice for communicating your desires about touch.

Make sure you’re enjoying things and don’t have reservations

Finally, as things go, check in with yourself and/or the other person. Are you enjoying things? Are they enjoying things? Does anything feel off? To ask yourself: Do you feel safe, respected, and happy? If your boundaries are being disrespected or criticized, or you find yourself being talked into things you don’t enjoy, get out of there. If you’re just not enjoying yourself, or something feels strange or bad, still consider getting out of there - you don’t need an airtight reason - or at least talking to the other person. You deserve to be enthusiastic and happy about a relationship! If the other person rejects you and it’s because of the asexuality

I’m sorry, I’ve been there and it sucks. Maybe you're into someone and they just can’t do relationships without sex (or whatever - some fundamental preference incompatibility.) Maybe they can do ace relationships sometimes, but not right now, or not with you. Maybe that’s not even the real reason, but asexuality felt to them like an acceptable, no-one’s-fault reason to offer, so that’s what they told you. (Rejection is by no means an ace-specific phenomenon, but I think it feels worse when it’s pointed at something you knew was going to make dating hard, or part of your identity, or something you’re already a little unsure about. I don’t know if this is universal, but when a relationship is going south, I sometimes catch myself wondering if I should offer to start having sex with them. “If I do, they might like me more, or get back together with me, or spend more time with me, and it wouldn’t be that bad, and...”

And here’s the thing: every single time I think that, that’s my brain trying to solve the wrong problem. It probably wouldn’t work, plus I’d be miserable, and I should not do the thing. I’m not going to say this is 100% always true for you too, but if you start wondering the above, I invite you to STRONGLY CONSIDER that your brain is lying to you. Your boundaries are important and meaningful and you don’t need to compromise on them.) Ultimately, whether it was kind or not, they don’t want to date you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Sit tight, feel your feelings, take care of yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong by being asexual or by having a boundary. Once you feel like it, dust yourself off and get out there again.

Finally, of course, your worth and your happiness don’t depend on you dating anyone at all. But it is nice, and if you want to, you can. Good luck, fellow aces!

[gibsophone]

I think I’m aromantic/asexual

So, at the conclusion of my previous relationship I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should just be by myself. It’s not me writing off relationships, I love having relationships, just not intimate relationships. As my ex continues obsessing over me and even contacting my friends and saying fucked up shit about me that is upsetting everyone (seriously if he stalks me I’m gonna shoot him) I can’t help but ask, why? What would make someone act this way? After just three weeks of dating he said he loved me. I did like him, a lot actually, enough to hang out with him on the weekends, but did I love him? Of course not! It wasn’t the short span of time or anything, I just never developed that feeling toward him. The moment his texts to me became crude, I told him I was uncomfortable but he would still interject with something that made it pretty clear he wanted a sexual relationship. We dated for three months and I never slept with him. I’ve actually never slept with anyone, ever, and in a few weeks I will be twenty-nine years old, I’m a twenty-nine year old virgin. Am I just waiting for that special someone? I’m not sure anymore. I’ve only ever been in a handful of relationships I would consider more than just friends, with both men and women, trying to get a feel for my preferences, I really don’t have many. I really value honesty and straightforwardness, I myself am a very honest and forthcoming person, ready to share my feelings on anything. The only other thing I ask for is respect and acceptance for me and who and what I am, something I never got in my last relationship, which ultimately caused it to fail.

But that’s all I want. Like, that’s it, just someone to be close to emotionally, not necessarily physically. I was willing to settle and forgive my ex for some of his flaws, his drinking, his close mindedness, his verbal abuse, even. I’m not getting any younger and I feel like people are just standing by like “yeah, she still ain’t married yet, what is wrong with her? Eggs have a shelf life, ya know?” do I want a family, do I want a husband (or wife Idk) and kids? Yes, and also no. It would have to be a perfect, and I mean perfect, situation, like unrealistically perfect on an emotional, physical, psychological and financial level, the perfect storm if you will. That’s probably never going to happen for me. Does that make me sad, does it make me happy, or do I just get the same feeling I get when I get kissed or touched by someone in that intimate way? Nothing. I feel nothing.

I’ve wondered if there was something wrong with me for a long time, I waited a very long time for my first kiss and as I drove home from my date all I could think was, “ugh, finally, I get to go home and watch a few more episodes of my show!” but what about the kiss? Oh, yeah, well it happened, it was soft and it was wet, that about sums it up, I felt nothing, it was weird. What was I supposed to feel, was it normal to feel this way, did I even like him, oh no, what if I didn’t even like him!? But, I had fun didn’t I, it was a fun evening for sure, I enjoyed myself, I had a good time and when I got home and texted him to assure him I got home safely I told him I had a blast and thanked him for the evening. Then I lied and said I was going to bed and stayed up all night watching Netflix in my natural habitat.

As time went on this relationship began to take its toll on me. I liked him, and he apparently loved me, he said so just three weeks in which really kinda baffled me, but whatever. It was long distance, we lived an hour and a half apart and I was driving an hour to meet him on Saturdays when all I wanted was to be at home by myself. All I could think about all night long was what I could be doing right now if I wasn’t there, I wanted to go home. He bought me some stupid crap, like literal garbage, paper plates and napkins that were Halloween themed but it was so adorable and he was so shy about it, I loved it. But, I started lying about having other things to do so I could avoid going out with him on weekends, not so I could avoid him, I just wanted to be alone. Maybe it’s the drive, I thought to myself, what if I just brought him to my place? As I sit on the couch and look around my house all I can think is how much I absolutely hate having people in my house, it’s my temple, this is where I go to escape, the last thing I want is to share my special space with someone. So, that’s a no. I did like him, but in the end that was all I felt for him. His drunken texts got more and more unforgivable until I put my foot down and told him I didn’t deserve to be spoken to in such a manner, I never did anything to him, why would anyone want to be with someone who speaks to them in such a way. Apparently the texts he has been sending my friends lately are so bad, they won’t even show them to me. So yeah, sounds like he really loved me. I’ve since blocked his number and these past few weeks have been so tranquil, liberating, relieving, stress free, cathartic, self-reflecting, and yeah I could do this all night.

Am I even capable of love? Of course, but intimate love? I don’t think I am. I’ve tried the kissing and the touching and honestly I feel like sex would just leave me feeling empty and even more broken than I already feel, I don’t think I would enjoy it and I honestly feel like it would be emotionally detrimental. So, what happened? Did I wait too long and my natural curiosity and horny, hormonal teenage years die in a hole somewhere? Is it really true what they say about, use it or lose it? I don’t think so, I feel like if I had been your typical horny teen I wouldn’t be a virgin right now. Hell half my friends got pregnant within a year of graduation, the rest all had kids within five years of graduating. I wasn’t a popular kid in school but I was far from the least liked, dorkiest, grossest, weirdest one, even those people got laid. I was never asked out even once by anyone. Normally that could prove scarring and hurtful to most, but did I care? Hell no, I had my goals in mind, I wanted to go to college. And I did! So entered my experimental phase and the first person I ever dated, was a girl named Amy. I loved spending time with her, but in the end she proved to be very manipulative and controlling, so I broke it off. The second person and first guy I dated was a coworker, he was a very sexual person, very touchy and cuddly and, though it took some getting used to, I came to like it and the thought of actually sleeping with him seemed okay, not top priority as sex has never even been on my list of priorities, but I considered it. We dated for five weeks and he dumped me. I was crushed, I cried for days. But when I realized we could still be friends it was very uplifting, we’re still friends and we still confide in one another and I find our relationship much more healthy now that I don’t feel like he wants only one thing and I don’t feel pressured to give it to him.

So why haven’t I had sex yet, will I ever? I dunno, it’s not like I don’t have those feelings, I watch porn on occasion and I masterbate afterward but actually sleeping with another human being just doesn’t appeal to me. I really love being alone, by myself, I’m happiest this way, which is weird for some people, hell it’s weird for me but once I finally came to terms with it, sitting here alone in my house, I felt this inner peace I can’t really describe. I like being around friends and family, I’m not anti-social by any means, I just have no value for sex and for a long time I told myself I would change my mind some day; maybe I should just try it and see how I feel. But I don’t think I’m going to change my mind, this is just who I am. I hate labels, but yeah, aromantic describes me to a tee. I’m just going to stop dating, I always go into it feeling like, maybe this time it will be different, maybe I’ll feel something, I really like this person so maybe I can make it work. I’m just forcing a square peg into a round hole, it’s time to stop and just be me.