#and write annoying tumblr posts about it because i cant express myself like a normal human being

[jazzband22]

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[kilibaggins]

So, I got an Anon Hate: 

That I want to respond to, but I also want to just block them, so I’m making this separate post. 

You know what? You’re right! I don’t post original content a lot! Most of my content is reblogs and shitposts at this point. And honestly? I like that. It’s a lot less stressful than pushing out a bunch of fanfics. 

(From here on it gets pretty upsetting and sad so watch out please. i tried to tag triggers but theres probably some im missing)

I am a trans guy, who is forced to be deadnamed, misgendered, etc. Every. Single. Day. My mental health is very low. I am sad most of the time. I have mood swings Where I’m happy one moment, but then Horribly sad the next. 

I have school 5 out of 7 days. Most weeks im working 6 out of 7 or even a full week just on school. I have a very hard time concentrating on the work, so It takes me much longer than “normal”. An assignment meant to take 20 minutes can take up to 50 or even an hour. I am slow. It is VERY hard for me to concentrate and understand what I am learning. 

I am almost constantly tired in some way. Physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. I don’t like being out of bed most days, and If I could? I’d be in my bed every minute of every day forever. 

I have arguments with my parents at least every two days, whether it be a small argument, or a huge screaming match. This causes me to be tired, because I cry when i argue with people. I also get really sad, and genuinely hate myself after these arguments. And i cant express that to them, because My mom will just call it me pitying myself. 

I come on tumblr for an escape from school. And escape from my constant stream of thoughts that dont shut up. An escape from my self harm urges and troubles. And wanna know what i see? People like you. People who pick apart my activities and insult me about them. People misgendering me in my askbox because I have committed the crime of admitting im trans. I get called slurs daily (Especially the T slur. People really like that slur for some reason.). I constantly have the feeling of being annoying because people like you come into my ask box and bombard me with hate anons about how annoying and worthless I am. 

When i do want to write, I cant. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m filled with bad thoughts and i have ZERO motivation. I TRY to write. I TRY to be better. I TRY to be how you guys want me to be. I fucking TRY. I can’t sometimes, and honestly, Fuck yo for judging me for that. Fuck you for being so hateful that you scream at me about me not writing or updating a fucking fic, when i constantly feel like my life is falling apart. Fuck you for assuming I cant have a hard life,or I cant be busy simply because I’m 16. Fuck You. 

Anon hate is absolutely disgusting, but honestly I keep anon on for the wonderful anons I have who check on me, and send me asks about John Murphy, and people request fics, but sometimes YOU make me want to turn them off. So I can get away from people like you, nonnie. 

You hurt me, You belittle me, You make me feel as If i’m not enough when I'm trying my best, and that is absolutely terrible. 

I AM TRYING. It is so hard to write some days, and I’m trying my best to write. 

I’m trying so hard to be good for you all, To post for you all, To be a good writer, to Come up with good ideas and execute them well. 

I’m trying my hardest. But maybe you expect me to tr harder. To stay up until 4 AM just to write a fic that you wont bother to comment on or even reblog, and wake up at 8 with 4 hours of sleep, just to continue the cycle,a dn be even more tired than I already am. 

i am a human being. Me being 16 does not change the fact that I am busy. It does not change the fact that I Have WORK TO DO. It doesnt change the fact that I have shitty mental health. 

Fuck You, Anon. 

[entriesfromangels]

Journal Entry (#5) ~

Oh the times we are living in right now.

It’s crazy how a virus is changing our daily lives. How it affects people mentally and physically. But we have to do what we can to keep others safe. Stay home y’all. It’s the best we can do!

Staying home is ideal for anyone who is an introvert at heart. I am but I do like to go out from time to time and socialize with others. Its weird not being able to do that right now.

Lately I’ve been struggling. Not with the whole quarantine stuff but with family. As y’all know, I’m living with my fiancé and his family or my future in-laws.

My MIL (mother-in-law) and I are not in the best situation. Our relationship is complex. There is respect there but right now its not anything more than that.

We had a talk a few days ago about where we stand. I have had previous talks with her but it involved me writing things down that bothered me and after she told me to place myself in her shoes... i realized I’m going about this all wrong.

She felt i was ambushing her with all the negative things i don’t like that she does. After sitting down, hearing how she felt, it really hurt me to know i have been treating her so poorly. I also have a bad habit in venting about my issues with her to my fiance and my parents. My MIL sees it as talking s**t and obviously... that wasn’t my intention but i see where she is coming from.

I’m Hispanic. Our culture involves gossiping and venting thoughts and emotions to ones we are the closest to. All my life, i never saw it as an issue because I’ve always done it. My family does it. My friends do it. I was bound to pick it up.

My fiance is white. Obviously their culture is different and gossiping is seen as a harmful thing. After hearing what she felt about me doing this, potentially damaging her having a future relationship with my parents, painting her in a negative light and just overall not feeling good about herself and how she’s portrayed to others, has been a negative impact on her self-esteem.

Another issue that had been bothering her is when i vent about her to my fiance. Things she does that bothers me, things that annoys me and things that make me angry. She mentioned, in order to maintain a positive relationship, i need to go to her for any issue i may have with her. I don’t know why its taking me so long to understand and realize that's what i should be doing but I am doing that now.

There is also a lack of trust. I promised her i wouldn’t tell my fiance about our talks and continue to complain about her. After our last talk before our recent one, i did the opposite and told him everything we talked about. Big mistake.

She saw it as backstabbing and from then on, has slowly lost trust in me. After she explained that, while crying, i was starting to realize how my actions are affecting her.

Being from a different culture isn’t an excuse. Being used to how i handle things and express myself when it comes to difficult situations isn’t an excuse. I have been treating her basically like a piece of trash and i feel so f***ing terrible about it........

All my life, after coming out of treatment, i have embraced positivity and wanted to live my life with no negative people or negative thoughts. Since living here and getting to know my in-laws better, I have done the complete opposite to my MIL and i just feel like the worst person...

She told me it will take time before she can fully trust me again and i totally understand. I’m 24, going to be 25 in June and i am acting like a child tbh.

Sometimes when you go about things a certain way for so long and don’t think anything more about it, you don’t really realize how someone else, who might not be used to that, may feel.

I have so many positive people in my life, i do but we gossip. Not always but it does happen. That may not be positive to someone else and you know what? It really isn’t. I saw a normality behind it and didn’t think it would be harmful to someone else.

My MIL can get on my nerves and i know i get on hers. That is bound to happen. The way i have been handling our conflict has not been the best. I know i can do better. She said she was going to watch and see if i do hold up to what i said i was going to do and with time, slowly grow her trust back with me.

I have been so blessed to have a wonderful fiance and a great MIL. She has done so much for us and is a literal angel for her efforts. I just haven’t been showing it... my actions haven’t spoken for my words and that is a real problem.

I know deep down I’m not an awful person and i know she isn’t either. How can she know that if all i have done is gone behind her back and vent about all the things i think she is doing wrong. That isn’t right and it hurts to think i have affected someone else in this way.

Since our talk on Saturday (3/28), I haven’t spoken to anyone about what we specifically discussed. The most i have said is our talk was good and we are doing okay moving forward. I have not even mentioned it to my fiance and honestly, we have been more playful and loving without me spreading negative feelings towards his mom. If he gets annoyed with her on his own, i have just been comforting him and reminding him that she loves him and talk her up instead of agreeing and making him think worse about her.

I never in my whole life considered gossiping or venting as being a negative thing or impact on someone else. I’ve always done it. It may seem odd to someone else that it has taken me this long to understand the dangers of this. Especially when i have experienced it on the other end. Its not fun, it makes you feel helpless since you cant defend yourself when the gossiping takes place. So you may ask, “if you understand how this can be negative to someone else, why are you still engaging in it?” My answer is, i don’t know.

Gossiping is a very social thing. Your friend brings up something someone else did and complains. What do you do? Agree with your friend and comfort them. If its about a friend, we bring in what also bothers us about them and continue with that. It seems harmless but you might also think, what about the person you are talking about? What is this issue that annoys you so much that you can’t bring it up to the person being talked about? How would that make them feel if they knew you were talking about them in a negative light?

And you know what, that's true. How would that make the other person feel? The answer to that is, not very good. I saw it with how hurt my MIL was about it. How she tries so hard to please others and make others feel happy and comfortable. I was so heartbroken to see that i caused her to feel so bad about herself, made her cry and loose her trust with me.

She also mentioned if this is how i really am as a person, that she doesn’t want to be involved in that. The truth is, i am not that person. I love people. I love my family/friends and i want nothing but for them to be happy and feel loved. I just haven’t properly given my MIL the love and respect that she so greatly deserves and for that, i will always feel terrible; even when things get better.

Moving forward, she said she will watch to see if i fulfill my promise to not vent or complain about her and if there is an issue, i come directly to her instead of being a chismosa (gossip in Spanish). So far i haven’t complained, vented or talked about our whole conversation to ANYONE.

Instead, i’m writing it on here. My positivity blog where i feel the most safe with my thoughts. This is better than spreading gossip and bringing others into a situation when its just between the two people involved.

Everyday since our conversation, i have been feeling lighter and happier with my surroundings. One thing that won’t change is my mental health struggles with anxiety and depression; having thoughts and needing an outlet to let them out. Thanks Tumblr! Lol

I will continue to post how our relationship progresses and my feelings/mood since giving up gossiping. To tell you the truth, I feel so much better and understanding about the situation knowing what i did wrong and how that affected someone else I love/care about.

You are never to old or young to better yourself and improve relationships.

I hope for nothing but positive feelings and thoughts moving forward and if i do have something negative to say, its better to not say it at all.