#and yeah dee may have sex with men but

[charmac]

The fact that The S.I.N.N.E.D. System is not only the reverse of The D.E.N.N.I.S. System by name, but in its actual goal:

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System ends with Separate Entirely and begins with the avoidance of going on a date. It’s purely about sex.

The S.I.N.N.E.D. System ends with Do You Want a Tissue? Dennis’ tried and true method to secure a second date, and:

it works for Dee but she sabotages herself—because she has no interest in pursuing a man romantically; it works for Mac but he bows out—because he already has a man he’s pursuing romantically;

The S.I.N.N.E.D. System is about romance. Dating, consistently, something Dennis makes very clear he doesn't do...

Except:

"This is a man we're talking about,

it's always about him."

[wardenparker]

Surprising Reunions, part 2

Joel Miller x Dieter Bravo x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

Rating: E for Explicit! 18+ Word Count: 13.9k Warnings: As always, plenty of cursing. It’s spicy times, everyone! MMF threesome, biting, praise for everybody, hair pulling, oral sex (f and m receiving), exhibitionist/voyeur tones, rough sex, anal play, anal sex, unconventional lubricants, MM sex, virginity mention, begging, fingering, mention of infertility, vaginal sex, unprotected sex Summary: As the night goes on, things between you, Dieter, and Joel intensify, and the depths of what remains between your husband and his first love becomes clear. Notes: As unexpected a pairing as this story has, I really have to say how much I love them. We started out wanting to write some simple smut and fell deep into a pit of feels -- and I’m very glad that we did.

Read part one here!

From the doorway both men hear you huff in amusement before you appear, clearly having heard the last thing your husband said. “I was going to come see how you’re making out, but it looks like you took over cooking.” Still, you don’t step into the doorway but rather lean in the frame. “I set Ellie up in the bathtub in our suite so she can wash up before dinner. Clean clothes, a little fire to keep the water warm. Enough soap to feel human again. Just what she needed.”

“Thank you.” Joel offers, swallowing slightly with unease now that the two men aren’t alone. It wouldn’t be the first time that Dieter embellished the truth slightly. “I, uh— I have no intention of causing problems.” He offers.

“There’s no problem to cause.” You shake your head at him, glad to see that your husband has cleared the air a little. “Dee has always been capable of loving more than one person. I certainly don’t hold a grudge or anything against you for it, that would be a little dramatic. He’s perfectly capable of loving us both.”

“I— love?” Joel frowns in confusion, looking at Dieter, and then back at you. “Like— still as in right now?”

Dieter looks at you pleadingly, as if you could rewind time thirty seconds and stop speaking much sooner, and you grimace. “Shit…” You murmur, looking between them. “I thought…sorry, baby…”

“I didn’t want to say it and freak you out,” Dieter admits. He rubs the back of his neck with one hand and looks up at the ceiling with a sigh. “But yeah. Like right now. Like…always.”

“I didn’t know.” Joel admits, glad that he’s cleaned his hands and steps over to where his former lover is standing, mortified. “It’s okay. I’ve— I’ve never forgotten you. I always thought it was normal to love your first…everything.” While Joel had kissed another girl first, Dieter had everything else. Every experience was wrapped around him.

“Now you know why I made you my freebie.” Dieter mutters, red-faced but not upset. If he were brave like you or Joel, he would have just come right out and said it.

“I don’t mind that at all.” Joel admits, glancing over at you again. “How do you feel about it now that you’ve met me?”

“I think he downplayed the sexy, gruff, and strong thing a little.” Leaving your doorway, you step into the kitchen to come stand with Joel and Dieter. “I’m not expecting you and Ellie to move in and build a perfect little family with us or something, but I’m glad to see that you still care about him after so long.”

“I do care about him.” Joel can admit that easily. “I’ll always care about him.” He leans his hip against the counter and crosses his arms. “Enough to suggest that if you want to leave, you can come with us and find a settlement.”

You were never going to bring it up. It wasn’t going to be a topic of conversation or even something you wanted to think on while Joel and Ellie were at the hotel. But the fact is that the time may not be too far away when staying here is no longer viable. “We’ve been doing our best for so long. Leaving here is actually a fairly daunting idea.” Daunting. Terrifying. But you know that if Dieter looked you in the eyes and said he wanted to stick with Joel, you would pack up and follow.

“I understand that.” Joel does, especially since you’ve been here for twenty years. This is your home. “I get that. And if you want to stay here, I can – I can make sure that I find a place that would accept you and come back.”

“I’m not saying we wouldn’t leave.” You’ve talked about it, of course. If you and Dieter do anything, it’s talk through things — and fuck. But that’s not important right now. “I’m just saying it would be a longer conversation than the three of us standing around the kitchen.”

“Absolutely.” Joel agrees quickly. “And it’s a conversation you should have. The road isn’t easy. I won’t sugar coat it, it’s hell. And dangerous.”

“Tonight could just be a chance to relax?” Dieter offers, looking up from the pan of potatoes that he’s just put on the stove. “Maybe you guys could…get to know each other?” The tone in his voice is hopeful. After all, you’re the two most important people to him in the world.

“That’s up to your wife.” Joel murmurs, staring at you intensely. “Do you want to get to know me?” He asks, voice dropping down a few octaves unconsciously.

“Sounds like you want to get to know me.” You shoot him a smirk before looking over at Dieter. He wants this, you know he does, and it’s not as though you’re not attracted to Joel. Being married doesn’t make you blind. When your eyes track back to Joel, he’s still watching you with intensity. An intensity that makes you shiver with anticipation. “Kiss me.”

Joel’s eyes flicker over to Dieter and he can see the way the man is practically vibrating with excitement and anticipation. Looking back at you before he pushes off the counter and slowly approaches you, watching you for any sign of reluctance as he closes the gap between you.

Brave is a word that Dieter uses to describe you a lot. You’re never quite sure if you agree with him, but right now you would go with curious before anything else. Joel means so much to Dee that you really have wondered what - if any - relationship you would have had with the man. Now that you’re about to find out, it’s making your heart beat faster than you expected.

Joel reaches out and takes your hip with his hand to tug you closer to him. “Hopefully I don’t disappoint you.” He hums, wishing he had cleaned up before, but it’s just a kiss. He’ll clean up before anything else happens.

It’s on the tip of your tongue to say that you’re not worried, but the closer he gets the more any words at all stick in your throat. His hands on your hip and yours on his shoulder are the connecting points that pull you into each other and a mere second or two later your eyes have slipped shut as you press your lips to his.

The first kiss is always a good indicator of how compatible Joel will be with someone. The feeling is smooth, easy, the way that you open for him. Making him groan at the softness with a hint of neediness.

He’s the same height as Dieter but feels broader somehow, more like he’s going to swallow you up if he puts his arms around you just right. Firm and yielding all at once, Joel seems to lean into the moment once it starts and you tilt your head back a little more to let him explore. You know that Dieter’s dual voyeur and exhibitionist tendencies are enjoying the hell out of this, and you have to admit – the way your pussy bottomed out at the first moan from his throat is a very good sign.

It’s been a long goddamn time since he’s done anything like this. Anything that feels almost taboo, which is hard when you’ve lived twenty years past the end of the world. He doesn’t rush, but he deepens the kiss, licking into your mouth to taste you just as thoroughly as he had Dieter earlier. Comparing the flavors of the two of you in his mind.

He’s more assertive than Dieter is, exploring rather than coaxing, and reeling you into him with purpose. There’s want there, and it draws a moan from the back of your throat that you can just imagine Dieter is already desperate to hear again.

Joel’s hands are always eager to touch. Sometimes in anger or fury, sometimes in comfort - though that is rare - but now, he wants to just touch you. To fill his hands with your flesh and explore the dips and swells of your curves. He presses further into your space, nearly crushing you to him as his hands start to wander, and you wind yours around his shoulders. There’s something simmering here, something new and gorgeous and dangerously like a spark.

Another small groan, another sharp inhale. Joel cracks an eye open to find Dieter inching closer, practically salivating. He breaks off the kiss and hums. “Remember how we said we would share a woman one day?” Joel asks. “Think she wants to be shared?”

“She loves to be shared.” Dieter nearly chokes on the words, reaching for both you and Joel and digging his fingers into each of you equally. “It’s how we slept together the first time.”

“You’ll have to tell me about it.” Joel groans. “Although, I want to fuck you again, pretty boy.”

“You’re the only one who gets to call me that without getting a dirty look.” Dee has leaned in fully and looks about ready to devour both of you.

“Well…” you smirk. “You are giving him a dirty look. Just dirty-sexy instead of dirty-upset.”

“So we eat, I clean up, and once the kid passes out…” Joel smirks. “I want your wife to sit her pretty pussy on my face while you suck my cock.” He tells Dieter with a wink.

Dieter groans, crushing his lips to Joel’s momentarily before turning and doing the same to you. His approval of the idea is obvious to both of you, and you don’t hesitate to cup his growing hard on over his pants just to feel the way his hips jerk forward in your hand. Joel chuckles quietly, amused that Dieter is still so eager, even at his age. Sex might have been his first addiction if he were to sit down and think about it. "Then you can tell me what you've been imagining all these years."

“So much.” The gravel in Dieter’s voice is like a promise to you. You’re so familiar with it and how exhausted you’ll be once he’s satiated when that voice happens, that you know you have to step back right now or you’ll get too eager.

“Come on, boys,” you have a hand on each of them. “We have a meal to cook. Otherwise we won’t have the energy for all of Dee’s fantasies.”

“He’s always had a good imagination.” Joel chuckles and takes a step back himself.

“Always.” To that you can absolutely agree.

“Something you both love about me,” Dieter points out, and goes to sit at the counter again to let himself calm down. Having a hard on when the kid comes downstairs wouldn’t be good.

“So fish and potatoes?” Joel asks, needing to concentrate on something else himself. “It sounds good.”

Onions and mushrooms are also produced, and eventually the fish bones are simmering in water to make a stock with some spices and what is cooking on the stove when Ellie re-emerges is a decent smelling fish stew. There’s nothing exotic about it but it’s hearty food, and the three of you seemed to have calmed down measurably - now amiably chatting about favorite books when the teen comes through the doorway.

“What’s going on?” She demands, eyeing everyone. Joel is never this happy and he’s smirking. “Did everyone kiss or something?” She needles playfully. “Waiting for me to go to sleep?”

“The boys are having fun reminiscing.” You tell her, glossing past the question. “Do the clothes fit okay?”

“They’re good.” Ellie shrugs but she looks down at the T-shirt she’s wearing. “What’s Linkin Park?” She demands, not placing the phrase.

Joel snorts when he looks up and you bite your lip in amusement. “They were a band,” you tell her. It’s a good opportunity to steer things away from intimate conversation. “What kind of music do you like?”

Ellie shrugs. “Haven’t heard a lot of music. The shit FEDRA made us listen to in school sucked.” She rolls her eyes.

“I’ll teach you how to use the gramophone while you’re here.” The old machine had been stored up in the attic untouched and undiscovered for years. When you had finally gone digging up there out of sheer desperation for something new it was an amazing discovery. “One of the people staying here was a record collector, so there’s lots of things to listen to. Although…no Linkin Park. Mostly older stuff.”

“So they played…rock music?” Ellie’s brows shoot up in interest. “Cool.”

“Why do I feel like you would have a metalhead on your hands if she could?” The smile you flash Joel is measurably softer than when you had looked at him earlier and you hope Ellie doesn’t poke. She’s an observant kid.

“Could you imagine this kid at a concert?” He asks, shaking his head in amusement.

“Mosh pit.” Dieter nearly cackles. “I can see this kid in a mosh pit.”

“She would be throwing elbows for sure.” Joel grunts.

“What’s a mosh pit?” Ellie frowns at being talked about in front of her face. “And why am I throwing my elbows at people?”

Dieter and Joel chuckle together and Dieter decides to answer this one. “Everyone gets into a big group and the dancing gets violent as they listen to heavy metal. Bouncing up and down, crowd surfing, head banging.”

“Beating people up to music?” Ellie makes a huh sound of consideration and shrugs. “Sounds like you guys all needed better hobbies. But I bet the music was good.”

“Wasn’t my style, but it had its moments.” Joel tells her fondly. “Especially if you were in a bad mood.”

“Probably better than the old man music you played in Bill’s truck.” She hops up on her stool from earlier and retrieves the water glass she hadn’t quite finished. “Old dudes with guitars singing about horses and stuff.” Ellie explains to you. “Boring.”

Joel sighs and rolls his eyes, amazed that teenagers never seem to change no matter what. “Yeah, you could have kept reading the magazine.” Joel snorts.

“Blegh.” She pulls a face, looking around the room and realizing that she is the only one present who had no interest in naked men whatsoever. “So…food smells good.”

Joel can’t help but chuckle at the horrified expression before she changes the subject. “It does.” He murmurs. “And you look clean, for the first time in a long time. Maybe even can sleep in a real bed tonight.”

“Absolutely. She’ll have her own room, not just her own bed.” Something that is all the more helpful, you think, considering the debauched shit you’ll be doing down the hall…

Ellie snorts and sends you a look that clearly says she knows what you are up to. “Hopefully far away from you guys.”

“Hey, look at that, Ellie volunteered to set the table for us.” You laugh when she groans and direct her to the stack of glasses, silverware, and bowls that you amassed while not talking to - or making out with - the guys.

“Who sets tables?” Ellie huffs under her breath, aware of what it is. As she has mentioned to Joel several times, books are still a thing. “Why? Everyone’s just grabbing food anyway.”

“Sometimes it’s nice to do things the old-fashioned way.” You scoop up the stack of low bowls and sweep her out the door at your side. You’ll do it with her, then. That’s fine. It’s just nice to pretend things are a little closer to the way they used to be tonight.

“You’re gonna show me how to do it?” Ellie asks, grabbing the other things and hurrying after you. Most adults barked orders or acted like she should just know. Joel didn’t, unless it was yelling at her about being safe.

“The hotel used to do it a fancy way, but I can show you how my mom taught me at home.” She’s a sweet kid, and in general you always liked kids. It’s just a damn shame that they can’t have childhoods for the most part anymore. Everyone has to grow up right away in the world the way it is now.

“That’s cool.” Ellie relaxes slightly, frowning as she watches you fold the cloth napkins. “You— in the kitchen, you said something.” She ventures after a moment. Looking down at her own napkin to fold it like she had just watched you do it. “You said everyone in that room was – you know…queer?”

“Yeah.” It was true, no use beating around the bush about it. “Do people not use that word anymore? It’s been a long time since I talked to anybody about it but my husband, so I’m sorry if it’s offensive.”

“No, they use it.” Ellie reassures you. “I just— you’re married to Dieter. Does that mean you— you’ve been with women too?” She’s hesitant to ask, but she’s gotta know. It would be nice to talk to someone who doesn’t have a dick about things like this.

“Ah.” Sitting down in one of the chairs at the round table you’re setting together, you turn to give Ellie your full attention. “Yes. That’s exactly what I meant. Did you…want to talk about something? Or ask me something?” You remember your own sexual awakening and coming out as painstaking and awkward at the best of times. You can only guess what kind of hell she’s had to go through.

“Not now.” Ellie glances back at the kitchen doors as if Joel and Dieter will come rushing through. “Just— uh, maybe sometime before we leave? If that’s okay?”

“Absolutely.” Without hesitation, you give her shoulder a squeeze and go back to folding napkins like it’s the easiest thing in the world. “How about tomorrow we go for a walk and we can talk about whatever you want?”

“That would be cool.” Ellie brightens considerably and shoots you a grin. “Really fucking cool.”

It only takes the two of you a few more minutes to get things set up and then Joel brings the pot out from the kitchen with Dieter trailing behind carrying a ladle and pitcher of water like the master of ceremonies. “Dinner is served!” He announces with glee.

It’s been a long time since they’ve had a hot, fresh meal and Joel is grateful for it. Smirking as the kid immediately plops down in a chair and eyes the pot hungrily. “Thank you.” He offers. “For sharing with us.” You didn’t have to, despite the history between him and Dieter and he is grateful.

“Friends are few and far between these days.” Dieter shrugs his shoulders as he starts to portion out the stew. “It’s nice to share with people we care about.”

All of you know that it’s still generous but Joel just nods and sits down beside Ellie. “We’re gonna stay for a couple of days.” He tells her. “Rest up.”

“We’re gonna go for a walk tomorrow.” Ellie reports cheerfully, pointing at you with her thumb before she digs into her dinner.

“Just around the grounds.” The last thing you want is for Joel to worry. Despite his insistence that the girl is only a responsibility, he clearly does worry about her. “We won’t wander. I promise.”

Joel hesitates for a moment, watching you and finding that you have every intention of being safe. He nods. “That’ll be good.” He offers, taking the water pitcher from Dieter. “Sure, you can talk about things we don’t understand.”

“There’s plenty we don’t understand.” Dieter snickers. “They’ll have tons to talk about.”

“Never said I was a genius.” Joel grumbles, aware of how many things he doesn’t know.

******

As simple as the meal is, it’s satisfying and delicious. Ellie wants to listen to music after eating so you show her the gramophone and records while Joel and Dieter clean up, and two hours after sitting down to eat the four of you are climbing the stairs to the habitable suites on the fourth floor. It’s worth the climb for the promise of soft beds and warm fires, and Ellie happily retreats to her own set of rooms to light a fire and sift through some books that she pulled out of the mail-slots-turned-bookcases in the lobby.

Even if it’s lukewarm water from buckets in the kitchen, Joel groans at the feeling of scrubbing soap into his skin. Closing his eyes and sighing as he lathers up his entire body to sluice off after doing so, the kitchen drain working as a shower for this hasty bath.

You would be lying if you said you weren’t a little nervous, but Dieter flits around the room like an anxious new bride. He’s made the bed, cleaned up his bedside table, and washed his face all while yammering endlessly to himself. “Hey.” You stop him when he passes by you at the fireplace the fourth time. “We don’t have to do this, ya know. If it’s too much, I mean. We can just sit and talk tonight.”

“I’m nervous.” Dieter admits, sighing like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. “It’s Joel and I just— I want it to be what I remember. What I’ve wanted every time I was with another man.”

“It’s not going to be exactly the same, baby.” This is one of many times that you’re grateful Dieter has never had trouble opening up to you. Twenty minutes into your relationship or twenty years, he had always been honest. “You’ve both grown up a lot. But that means you can have new experiences with him now, and that is its own kind of wonderful.”

“I know.” Dieter bites his lip. “I just – he knows how I feel and it’s just – I never thought I would actually get to have the two people I love together.” He confesses.

“It’s not like we could just call him up and invite him over.” The world as it is has made a lot of dreams obsolete or impossible, so you can understand that Dieter had just put this thought aside entirely. “But I love you so much, baby. And I’m going to do whatever I can to help make tonight good for you, okay?”

“I want it to be good for you too.” In a perfect world, he would have you and Joel curled around him every night. Making him the middle of a very sexy sandwich.

“I’m not worried about that.” You always enjoy yourself in bed with Dieter. It’s a given fact of your relationship, as well as any time you’ve had someone else in your bed. “I think we’ll all have a good time, but the key is to relax, baby.”

“Too bad he didn’t have any of that hydro with him.” Dieter pouts, hating that there’s none of his supply on him. It would have been fun to get high with the two of you tonight.

"Do you want to grab a bottle of moonshine, Dee?" There's some of it on the bar in the front room of the suite, and social lubricant - so to speak - might not be the worst idea in the world.

“I’ll go grab it.” Dieter lights up at the idea and rushes to kiss your cheek before fleeing the suite to rush downstairs to grab the bottle. You watch him go with a soft shake of your head, wondering if he remembers that there are some in the front room or if he'll go all the way downstairs to the hotel bar and end up bringing Joel upstairs with him in the process.

Dieter bypasses the front bar and bounds down the stairs with an eagerness that defies the aging joints of a man over fifty years old. Wanting to have a few sips of moonshine and relax with you and Joel, let things come naturally so everyone has a good time. He needs this to be good because he feels complete in a way he hasn't in a long time.

“It’s me!” He calls as he passes the kitchen where Joel has been washing up and changing his clothes. “Getting booze!”

“I’m done.” Joel is probably more relaxed than he’s been in a long time. A pair of sweats and a t-shirt, probably Dieter's, is all that he is wearing and it’s almost cozy in its lazy appeal. The building is secure and it’s almost like he’s on a vacation.

“Everything fit okay?” They’ve always been roughly the same size, but Dieter is still nervous when he pops his head around the corner to look in on Joel.

“Yeah.” Joel chuckles. “You like baggier clothes at the end of the world. But at least everything breathes.”

“I liked baggier clothes before the end of the world.” Dieter grumbles. “Damn stylist is the one who had me in the other shit.”

“You looked good in it.” Joel hadn’t obsessed like some might have, but if he saw Dieter on a magazine cover, he picked it up and thumbed through it. Mainly while waiting to buy his and Sarah’s groceries.

“You old softie.” The grin on Dieter’s face is unrepentant. Going for humor instead of sentiment has always been his best armor. “You looked at the glamour shots?”

“Hard to miss them when your ass was plastered all over the place.” Joel grumbles, even though he’s smirking at his lover fondly. “You always were an attention whore.”

“Again, I went to Hollywood.” The exasperated hand that Dieter waves is just for show, he can’t help but smile at Joel. “I don’t know why anybody thinks I’m not super fucking aware of myself.”

“Because you act like you don’t care.” Joel murmurs softly, always able to see Dieter for who he is. “You act like your life depends on it.”

“Only one other person can do that, ya know.” He huffs and waves for Joel to follow him out of the kitchen. “I came down to get a bottle from the bar. Let’s go upstairs.”

“Lead the way.” Joel grins at the way Dieter blushes and seems almost demure as they make their way towards the stairs.

“There’s…” he swallows, working to cover his nerves, and studiously watches his steps so he doesn’t trip going up the stairwell. “There’s no pressure.” Dieter murmurs. Despite what he wants more than anything, no one is going to enjoy themselves at all if they feel forced.

Joel’s chuckle can only be described as dirty as it echoes in the stairwell. “I might be old, but there’s still plenty of pressure.” He teases, reaching out and touching the small of Dieter’s back. “But only the kind that will go away once we are all exhausted and sticky.”

That image earns him a low groan from Dieter, who speeds up his steps measurably to get upstairs that much faster. “Get up here,” he grunts when Joel lags behind.

Joel chuckles and there’s still a smirk on his face as he reaches the landing for the fourth floor. “Old, remember?”

"You're barely older than me." Dieter tangles his hand in Joel's with a grin, tugging him along the hallway to lead him to the correct suite.

“Yeah, but I feel older.” Joel grunts, grinning at how eager he is to get to the room.

“There you two are.” Sitting by the fireplace with a book, you look up when the suite door bursts open, admitting the men you’ve been waiting for. “Did the stairs get the best of you? Having what is essentially a fourth-floor walk-up is kind of a bitch sometimes.”

“Not as bad as forty-fucking-three floors in Kansas City.” Joel snorts. “Kid called me a lazy ass and I was just trying not to die.”

“Forty-three?!” Both you and Dieter shudder at the thought. “My knees hurt just thinking about it.”

“So….” Joel looks around the suite, surprisingly tidy for Dieter and nods. “You’ve set yourself up well here, I’m impressed.”

“It took a long time. And the people who were here with us at first helped a lot.” Your book goes back to the little table that you keep beside your chair at the fireplace and you stand up, stretching along the way. “Ellie’s all set up down the hall. She’s got plenty of firewood for the night.”

“Good.” Dieter looks like he’s about to have a heart attack, or tear someone’s clothes off. So Joel decides to act, taking the bottle of moonshine from him and pulling the cork out of it. “Any good, Black?” He asks before he puts the bottle to his lips.

Dieter is about to say that it could be a lot smoother when Joel nearly chokes coughing on his first taste and all three of you burst out laughing, breaking the tension completely. "This batch was made with some crab apples," he explains when Joel looks at him like he's just been poisoned. "It's not exactly applejack, but you get used to it."

“Jesus.” Joel chokes out, slapping his chest and wheezing slightly. “That’ll wake your ass up.” The burn of it slides down his throat and warms his belly.

"It's a sipping drink, as they say." Dieter jokes, affecting a snobby tone.

"No, baby." You take the bottle from Joel and knock back a swig. "This is a shooting drink."

Joel takes the bottle back and takes another swig, handling it better this time because he’s expecting it. “Your turn.” He grunts, handing the bottle back to Dieter.

It’s not a competition but Dieter still manages the burn far better than either you or Joel, putting away a few solid swigs before handing the bottle off again. “Feels exactly like high school again when you start the night off with cheap, strong booze,” he jokes.

“We did drink a lot of that shit.” Didn’t hurt that his parents could never remember what they had drank and what they hadn’t so the liquor cabinet had been replenished when they were actually home.

“Sounds like you two had a far more interesting time as teenagers than I did.” You take a long drink from the bottle and pass it back to Dieter. “All I remember is pop quizzes and dances I never had dates for.”

Joel snorts. “I was a jock.” He reminds you. “Baseball. And for some reason, people liked me.”

“People still like you,” you remind him gently.

Dieter huffs. “He’s always been like this. No way he’s about to start believing it now if he didn’t then.”

Joel snorts and shakes his head. “You’re one to talk, Dee.” He huffs. “Now, are you going to kiss me, or do I need to kiss your wife?”

“I thought about it.” As if he could think of absolutely any-fucking-thing else, and he rubs his hands together eagerly. “You two should get better acquainted. I already know I want to fuck both of you.”

Joel chuckles and turns towards you. “What about you, honey?” He asks, voice dipping low as he looks at you, “Would you kiss me?”

“Is that your seduction voice?” The theory itself just amuses you, since he does not have to try that hard. “Come here, Joel.”

Joel frowns slightly, unsure of what you mean and comes closer just like you asked him to. It’s endearing, how literally he takes the direction, and you reach for his hand to pull him in closer to you. This time it’s your fingers digging into flesh and you closing the distance between the two of you slot your lips to his.

There’s been one person that Joel has kissed in twenty years besides the two of you today. He groans, letting you take control and guide the kiss where you want to take it. Wanting to see what had enthralled Dieter. To see if their taste in women ran parallel.

It's not necessarily that you're so confident tonight, but your curiosity is overwhelming. This is the man who has held a piece of Dieter's heart for more than thirty years, and now that you've met him you find that jealousy doesn't enter the equation. You and Joel are vastly different people with just a few key similarities, and there are also vast differences between Joel and Dieter. But still, somehow, you find just enough parallels for him to draw you in. The soft panting coming from Dieter's direction as you start to lick into Joel's mouth as you deepen the kiss doesn't hurt, either.

There had been so many times while they were young, horny teenagers, that they had imagined something like this. Thinking that it was impossible but dreaming of finding a woman who didn’t mind their attraction to men as well as her. It seems like a culmination of those far-flung fantasies and if he just gets tonight, or maybe a few days, Joel wants to make the most of it.

The first sound from you is a low moan, and it vibrates through you like the heat of the fire – going so deep that it gets right down to your bones and wraps around you along with Joel's arms. He tastes like remnants of dinner and the sharp zing of homemade liquor, but there is a quality to Joel that is entirely his own that is nothing like Dieter's essence. Joel is musky and deep and overtly masculine in a way that is surprisingly enthralling.

Joel hears the low whine that comes from Dieter, making him open his eyes and peer over at him. There’s a hunger, a desire burning in his lover’s eyes. The two people in front of him are ones he cares about and wants to see together. Joel’s hand slips under your shirt to span your back and unclip the bra you are wearing.

His hands are absurdly large and warm, and you groan when he pulls you in to work the clasp of your bra. It's an intoxicating feeling - you love being undressed - and in turn you slip your hands under Joel's borrowed t-shirt to slip it over his head. It's a shame you have to break the kiss, but it takes you barely a split second to dive back in again.

There’s a huff off to the side and Joel chuckles into your mouth. If you aren’t careful, Dieter will be standing naked when the two of you break away from each other. Just to hear you moan, he cups your tits and squeezes them.

“Harder.” Dieter instructs, when you moan softly at the extra attention. He knows exactly how to touch you like second nature, and he knows you need more. “She likes it rough.”

“I can do rough.” Joel growls as he pulls away and bites your jawline. His hands grow firmer, fingers twisting the tipped peaks of your breasts harshly.

“Fuck.” There’s nothing delicate about how Joel touches you now, and it’s perfect. You arch into his touch and feel Dieter step around to frame your back: fingers digging into your hips as he grinds his already hard cock into your back with a needy groan.

“Mmmmm.” Joel feels Dieter press close and his hardening cock twitches. “You like that, sweetheart?” He grunts, pinching them again. “Want me to bite them?” He doesn’t give you time to answer, just pulling back to duck his head down and wrap his lips around a nipple.

Dieter strips away your shirt and tosses your bra aside along with it, wanting to watch how eagerly Joel buries his face in your tits while the fire warms all of your skin. Reaching for each of these men with one hand, being sandwiched between them makes you feel positively petite. It doesn’t matter whether you’re large or small compared to other women - between these broad men you might as well be the daintiest women in the world.

Joel does as he’s promised, biting and then soothing. Groaning around your breast when your fingers twist into his hair and you tug gently.

“Fuuuck — that’s it, Joel. Shit.” Whining at how good it feels, your fingers pull a little harder at his hair and reach behind you to pull Dieter closer. He’s nipping at your jawline but you’re aching for a kiss.

Despite the no nonsense, gruff exterior he gives, Joel loves praise. He likes giving a partner, a lover, what they need. He does it again, shifting to kneel down more and switching to the other breast.

Breaking away from your husband, you gasp and moan a little, looking down at the man currently trying to suck your soul out through your nipples. “I think I hit a nerve,” you tease, moaning again at the scrape of his teeth. “Both you boys like praise, huh?”

“Where do you think we got it from?” Dieter gasps, jerking his hips forward and groaning in response to your fingers brushing over his cock. “Joel loved hearing how his cock drove me crazy.”

Joel’s answering groan vibrates through your skin and you whimper at the sensation. “I’ll have to re— oh my god, Joel — remember that.”

Only when each one of your nipples is puffy and perked up as much as they can get, does Joel start to kiss along your chest. Down your navel to dip his tongue into your belly button.

“Lean back, baby,” Dieter encourages, wrapping his arms around your torso to cup your tits in his hands. “Let Joel finish stripping you. Let him see that gorgeous pussy.”

Joel hums, knowing that any pussy that has kept Dieter enchanted for this long has to be magical. That was one of Joel’s hang ups, he had never known if Dieter had been…bored with him. Since he had just kind of stopped communicating after getting to California.

If he can’t smell your dripping pussy by now you’ll be shocked, but you do as Dieter orders and let Joel take over completely. His pace and his appetite will dictate how things go at least for now, because you’ve never found a reason to stop a man from eating your pussy if that’s what he wanted to do.

There's something to be said about leaning in and smelling a woman's cunt. Joel leans in, pressing his nose to your curls and inhaling. Appreciative of the fact that you had access to normal bathing practices and humming as his thumbs slide through the protective layer of hair to find the slick nub of your pleasure to press his tongue to.

Your hips buck slightly and you gasp, making Dieter chuckle darkly behind you. “That’s it, honey,” he rumbles in your ear. Both of his hands might be on you, but your husband has you caged to his chest and fully exposed. “Let Joel play.” Your knees buckle, and you might have just slithered down to the carpet if it weren’t for Dieter holding you up. Joel stares up at you as his tongue makes the first pass, wanting to see your reaction and gauge what you like.

“Goddamn.” The feeling of difference, of newness has you shivering as Joel laps at your folds. It’s been years since anyone besides Dieter touched you and Joel has a completely different air about him than your habitually submissive husband. Dee loves to serve – Joel doesn’t seem to be the same way.

Joel pushes deeper, grabbing a thigh and pulling it up over his shoulder. His knees ache and his back is protesting, but he will stay right here as long as is needed to pull you apart and leave you floating on a cloud of pleasure.

Your quick pants and curses seem to be the right brand of encouragement, because as soon as he has your leg draped over his body, Joel is a man on a nearly unhinged mission. His tongue seems to unfurl so deeply inside you that he might taste your whole being and not just your cunt. He feels the hands on his shoulders and hair, tugging, coaxing and urging him on. Listening to Dieter groan and you moan up above him. Watching the darkness of both of your eyes spurring him on.

The way Dieter had your arms pulled behind your back became moot the second he decided that playing with your tits sounded like more fun than keeping you still, and you rake one hand through Joel's wavy locks to spur him on while reaching for your husband with the other. Dieter's hard cock is pressed against the small of your back like if he tries hard enough he might be able to fuck you there, but it's your hand that he gets wrapped around his pulsing length instead.

It's amazing that he still remembers the exact sound that Dieter makes the moment someone touches him. It's whiny and needy, deeper than it had been at nineteen and more confident, but still the sound rips through Joel and makes him groan into your cunt. Reaching behind you, letting go of one of your ass cheeks so he can slide his hand up Dieter's thigh blindly.

Dieter moans - loudly - at the firm touch of Joel’s callused hand grasping his hip, and frantically tears away his jeans to give both of you full access to touch him anyway you want. You may be tangled up in each other, but that’s no reason not to reach and touch and feel. It’s filthy and decadent, taking Joel back to a time where only pleasure matters. Nothing about survival was even remotely a thought and he loses himself in the sensation.

You’re all one mass of bodies and entangled limbs until Dieter shifts his weight and you nearly topple, turning one of your own moans into an unsteady giggle. “Maybe we should get in bed?” You offer, not wanting anyone to end up with an accidental injury out of a threesome. Plus, none of you are young anymore. Joel’s knees must be killing him.

Oh so reluctantly, Joel pulls his mouth away from your sopping wet cunt, smacking his lips and he rumbles out a small chuckle. “He is always so impatient. Good to know it’s not changed.”

“In some ways I don't think he's changed much from your Dee at all.” As much as you hate to lose the gorgeous feeling of Joel’s talented tongue lapping through your folds, you know you’ll get it back in just a minute. Crossing the room to get in bed isn’t exactly a long journey. But you flash your husband a grin when you take his hand. “Or maybe he’s been our Dee all along?”

Dieter flushes, unable to deny that. Buried deep, relegated to that ‘first love’ rosy view, he’s never stopped wanting this and now it’s here. “Lay the fuck down, I’ve dreamed of sucking your cock again.” Dieter demands, his own cock bobbling heavily as he rushes over to the bed.

“Bossy.” It’s endearing because it shows how much Dieter has wanted this, and you nudge Joel onto the mattress. “Come on handsome. Plenty of room for me to sit on your face while Dee gags himself on your cock.”

It’s a rush, stripping down frantically in anticipation of touch. Nearly trembling and the hard exterior he presents to the world is crumbling under the weight of your want. Finally laying down, he doesn’t know who to reach for, so he grabs both of you, dragging you both up for a kiss.

The messy, needy moment is a clash of tongues and teeth punctuated by muffled moans, and Dieter grasps at Joel's arm to pull him that much closer. He practically crawls on top of his former - current - lover and pulls you in with him. What Dieter still feels for Joel is complicated and deep, and he wants to know if somehow you might have some of that inside you as well. If it could ever grow.

Joel’s fingers sink to Dieter’s hair, his other hand wrapped around the back of your neck to keep you from pulling away. Greedy for you both and unwilling to let either one of you out of his grasp now that he has a taste of you together. Even if lazily making out wasn't one of your favorite things in the world to begin with, it would be with Joel. If his hand had crept its way between your legs instead of rolling your nipples tightly between the pads of his fingers, you might just stay here indefinitely.

One more kiss is all Dieter can take before he is breaking away with a gasp. “Fuck Joel.” He whines. “I need- fuck, just lemme taste you again.” He leans in and bites your shoulder. “His cum always tastes so fucking sweet, like yours.”

“I think I promised he could keep eating my pussy.” You grin, leaning in to kiss your husband before throwing Joel a teasing wink. “I think our lover should be so pleasure-drunk by the end of the night that he forgets his own name. What do you think, baby?”

Dieter groans and nods. “God, baby, I want to ride his cock again. Isn’t it so pretty?”

“Do you want to ride it more than you want to suck it?” Dieter tends to get greedy when he has options and you love the little pout on his lips when you finally pull away from kissing Joel. “It’s a very pretty cock. Maybe you should do both.”

“I’m going to fuck both of you.” Joel promises, groaning at the thought.

“We have plenty of time,” you remind both impatient men, though you don’t protest when Joel reaches for you to pull you up and swing one leg over his face so he can groan into your pussy. “We don’t have to do everything in one night, guys.”

“Greedy.” Joel chuckles, turning his head and nipping your inner thigh. “He’s so fucking greedy.” He licks the skin and turns to nuzzle your curls again, burrowing his nose through the thatch.

“Jesus.” Your legs shake when the tip of his tongue snakes out to flick your clit again, but there is nothing in front of you to hold on to. The best you can do is reach behind you for the headboard to steady yourself, darkened eyes devouring the sight of the man you dedicated your life to groaning as he eagerly swallows Joel’s cock.

Joel’s eyes roll back and all he can do is show your cunt appreciation. Rumbling a moan through you while his hips shift up, eager to greet his lover’s tonsils again. Dieter had always been so eager to show he could push past his gag reflex when he was younger. Making it a race on who would cum first, you or Joel.

The rising volume in the room would be startling if you even gave a shit right now. Joel's fingers are digging into your legs as he pulls you down on his mouth like he's trying to use you to suffocate himself and Dieter is reaching across every mark and scar on Joel's skin like he can soothe them away with enough determination and affection. Joel curves his leg, bringing it up so he can rub his foot along Dieter’s calf, showing him some appreciation for the mind-blowing sensation of his mouth around his cock. It’s been so goddamn long since someone’s blown him with such unbridled enthusiasm.

Every moan from the back of Joel's throat shakes through you. Your own hands knead your breasts and pinch your own nipples for that extra lick of sensation, but it's the watching that you love. Staring unabashedly as Dieter takes every inch that Joel has to offer him over and over and over again with so much eagerness that he actually manages to gag himself a little from the sheer speed that he's bobbing on Joel's cock at.

Joel’s jaw starts to ache, working open and closed as he uses his lips and tongue the best way he knows how. He’s never been much of a talker, but he knows how to use his mouth. Squeezing your hips as his tongue lashes your clit over and over again, he encourages you to grind down on his face. Wanting to feel the weight of you on him, to have him nearly suffocate in you. It’s the only way he hasn’t lost his mind and cum yet. You nearly scream when he sucks your clit into his mouth, the all-encompassing way you shudder and gasp as the white-hot pulse of your orgasm takes over means you’re barely holding yourself up but the bed head holds. The string of incoherent praise from your lips has Dieter smirking, knowing that that reaction of yours can’t ever be faked. You’re lost in yourself as you flood Joel’s mouth with cum and watching it is so incredibly sexy.

Closing his eyes, Joel moans. Aware that the mouth around his cock has slowed down. Holding him in his throat but that's okay with Joel. Needing a moment to cool down so he doesn’t cum too soon. Busy drinking down your release as you writhe beautifully above him.

For Dieter, edging is almost a religious experience, and he knows now that both he and Joel need to cool off a little so you can enjoy yourself the maximum amount. You both love to watch - specifically watch each other - and the way he’s bent over Joel right now feels like worship. This is the closest Dieter ever gets to worship. Worshiping the people he loves.

For his part, Joel doesn’t stop working you through your orgasm until you are shifting away. Your cunt moving away from his mouth as you can’t take anymore and he flops back onto the bed when he can’t chase your lips anymore. “Fuck.”

Dieter grins lazily at the expletive, keeping his hand wrapped around Joel’s shaft even as he looks up between the two of you. “We can if we want to.”

Joel rolls his head to the side and smirks at you. “Why don’t you suck his cock while I eat his ass to get him ready?” He suggested it to you. “See how many pathetic sounds we can pull out of him.”

“All of them,” you predict, knowing your husband well. “All of them, and it’s going to be so worth it.”

Dieter bites his lip, moaning at the thought of having both of you touching him. “You’re still going to fuck me right?” He pouts at Joel.

Smirking, Joel sits up and reaches for him. “Why do you think I’m going to eat your ass? Gotta get you ready.”

“He promised to fuck both of us,” you remind Dieter, stealing a kiss as he crawls up the length of Joel’s broad body. You’re curious now, aching despite having just cum, wondering if Joel is as good with his cock as he is with his tongue.

“Right, right.” Dieter bobbles his head now and straddles Joel’s waist so he can grind down against his length and make him moan. “But you could hurt me?” He offers softly, willing to let Joel do anything to him. He had always been willing to let Joel hurt him, even from the moment he had pushed him into that bathroom.

It’s up to Joel and Dieter, what they do together, but you look between the men almost apologetically. “It’s the one thing I won’t do,” you explain to Joel. Hurting Dieter - even if he enjoys the pain - is completely out of the question for you. You’re just not that kind of lover.

Joel bites his lip, aware that he could but there’s time for that later. “Dee, how long has it been since you’ve gotten fucked?” He demands, wanting to know the truth. Even as his cock twists against Dieter’s skin.

“We have a whole drawer full of toys.” He promises, closing his eyes and shuddering a little at how different a warm cock feels against his skin than a cold toy. “Maybe a week and a half? Two weeks?”

“You know that’s not the same, baby.” Joel resists, but Dieter is pouting down at him just like the first time he begged him to fuck him without any prep. “Get on your back.” He huffs, rolling his eyes at his lover. “Impatient.”

Dieter us grinning like he just won the biggest victory in the world, scrambling to follow orders and not caring at all when you giggle softly under your breath from beside him. He knows he can be greedy in certain - ok, most - aspects of life. And there has been no way to be greedy these last twenty years except sex, so he revels in it.

Rolling his eyes over to you, Joel tilts his head. “Do you at least have lube?” He asks, “a little bit?”

"In a manner of speaking." It's not as though the KY factory is still operational in the apocalypse, but you nod and move to the side table across the bed from you, pulling out a small bottle of oil that you use as lube. The fact that it gets refilled from the remains of the olive oil down in the kitchen is beside the point - it's edible, it's safe, and it works.

“I won’t use much.” Joel promises, knowing how precious something like this is. He could have just used spit, but this is better. Better for lasting longer.

"Use enough." The last thing you want is for something to go wrong because the guys weren't safe.

He takes the bottle and watches as Dieter wraps his fist around his cock. “Fucking hurry.” Dieter moans, squeezing himself and slowly pumping his cock. “You were always too damn slow.”

"So fucking impatient." You chide him, hearing Joel chuckle darkly behind you. Situating yourself to lay alongside your husband, you nip idly at his hip while Joel shifts forward, and lets two fingers slip through your folds while you enjoy the sight of the two of them together. Once they find their rhythm you'll add yourself to the mix, but they deserve the chance to find each other again.

“Pet his pretty face and coo at him.” Joel orders you with a wink. His cock is coated in the oil and just the barest brush of his lubed fingers finds Dieter’s puckered hole before he is moving his hands to grip Dieter’s legs to guide them up on his hips. “Fuck it’s been a long time since I was this goddamn excited to sink into a tight hole.”

Dieter is a writhing, whimpering, pouting mess as he does every single thing Joel needs and impatiently waits to have his needy hole broken into. He opens his arms for you, though, letting you curl up to his side and nip along his jaw and neck while silky sweet phrases like 'good boy' and 'so fucking sexy' reach Joel's ears from your lips. You're laser focused on making sure your husband feels good right now, even if that pleasure comes from someone else.

Taking your hand, Joel guides it to Dieter’s cock right before he slides his knees forward. Grunting slightly with the aches and pains that come with age, he wouldn’t stop right now for anything. Shushing Dieter softly as the other man’s hips try to roll down and can’t as he positions him exactly how he wants and presses the head of his cock against the quivering hole he’s about to breach. “It’s okay, Dee. You’ve been so good; I’m going to make you take every inch.”

******

“Joel, fuck— please!” Dieter whines, knowing the house is empty and that no one will hear him as he squirms underneath his boyfriend. Joel’s larger frame has him caged in on the older boy’s mattress and what had been the rapturous giving of hand jobs while making out was now much more intense. The head of Joel’s cock is nudging at the entrance to Dieter’s ass and he’s so overwhelmed and eager that his eyes are watering as he begs.

“You sure?” For all his gruffness and sarcasm, Joel likes to tease. Especially when it gives him this doe eyed expression currently being offered by the needy mess he calls his boyfriend. “You want me to take your virginity? Break open your tight little ass and fill up another hole with my cum?” He’s aching to, wanting to experience this with Dieter, but he also wants to make sure he really wants it.

“No, I want you to cum in my ear.” Dieter huffs, rolling his eyes and pouting as he tries to grind his hips down again despite Joel holding him steady. “Fuck Joel— yes.” The whining begins all over again when he can’t get any friction from movement. Joel is in control physically, even though Dieter doesn’t realize that he’s actually the one in charge of whether or not this happens at all. “Take it— I’m giving it to you. Need you to—to fuck me. God it’s going to feel so fucking good.”

Joel chuckles, his cock already soaked from the way that Dieter had tried to suck his soul out before he had flipped him onto his back to tease him. Still he spits in his hand and starts to pump his cock with the head pushed against his hole. “Yeah baby? You want me to fuck you?” He coos mockingly as he pushes his hips forward enough to start nudging the head inside his boyfriend’s ass.

“Fuck—I—yes!” Just that little sensation of being barely breached has Dieter panting ragged breaths and saying silent thank yous to the universe for Tommy having a date tonight. Having all the time in the world to let Joel take him apart is like the best gift he could ever ask for.

Chuckling, Joel leans down to slide his tongue into Dieter’s mouth as the head of his cock slips inside and the ring of muscles clench down around the ridge. “Fuck.” Joel pants slightly, holding steady over him.

“Shit.” Dieter practically yelps but it’s buried behind a moan as both of his hands shoot out to grab onto Joel’s arms. “Keep going.” He begs, panting heavily.

His brow wrinkles and he bites his lip as he looks down at Dieter. The urge to just drive his hips forward is nearly overwhelming but he’s soooo tight. “Fuck, fuck, I am.” He groans, sinking another two inches into him and moaning.

The flashes of blinding pleasure and pinching pain combine in Dieter’s body and mind, translating only to wanting more, and the inexorable bond between the two seems immediate. Water pricks at his eyes and his fingers curl into Joel’s arms, whimpers falling from his lips as he rolls his hips down to beg for more.

Joel huffs in amazement, sure that Dieter would have asked him to slow down, to stop, give him a minute. Or even just to pull out. Instead he’s begging for more and all Joel can do is groan and feed him his cock just like he is wanting. Faster than he would want but apparently not fast enough for his boyfriend having his cherry popped.

He only pauses when Dieter yelps slightly, responding to a jolt of Joel’s hips with a sheepish grin. “Hurts so good,” he admits, eyelids already fluttering at the mix of sensations and how they’re making his impossibly hard cock throb and drip precum onto his stomach. He half wonders if he could get off just from Joel fucking him - no hand or mouth involved at all.

“Jesus.” Joel hisses watching as Dieter’s hands fist the sheets of his bed and he decides that if he’s not saying stop, he’s going to keep going. “Gonn— gonna— fuck.” His control slips and instead of the slow roll of his hips, he snaps them forward and buries himself to the hilt.

“Fuck!” Dieter’s hips lift off the bed and his back arches, legs splayed haphazardly over Joel’s arms like they mean nothing at all. “Fuck, fuck, holy shit baby.” A torrent of incoherent praise threatens to bubble to the surface but all Dieter can manage is a few disjointed phrases as his body sings with pleasure.

He would think that Dee is writhing in pain but he knows when his boyfriend is nearly about to cum. Holding his hips down as he hunches over him, grinding his cock even deeper. “You like that, baby? You like my cock deep inside you?” His voice breaks, threatens to give out as he clenches his teeth when Dieter squeezes him in response.

“I can’t wait to do this to you.” Dieter breathes out, whining and letting out a shuddering gasp when Joel pushes deeper. “Fuck, baby, it’s amazing.”

Joel groans, his cock twitching inside Dee as he imagines it. The most he’s done is have a finger up there. Unless you count the time Dieter licked his asshole. He had nearly come up off the bed.

The way Joel twitches inside him makes Dieter moan louder, and a spurt of hot, sticky precum leaks from the tip of the purple cock. “Do it, Joel,” he whines, eyes open and teary, begging his boyfriend to move. “Fuck me.”

He can’t do anything but exactly that. Groaning as he pulls his hips back, his thrusts are stilted, unmeasured as he fumbles his way through pushing back inside and adjusting his knees to not collapse on top of Dieter. “Fuck.” Awkward and inelegant, the few minutes that this dance between them lasts are worth every second of the experience. Time bends itself around them, making five minutes last five hours, and the rainstorm outside absorbs both boys’ sounds of ecstasy as they climb quickly closer to their peak.

Now he’s got Dieter’s legs on his shoulders, on his knees as he pumps his hips forward, moaning every time he fills him again. “Fuck— fuck, shit I’m gonna cum.” Joel grunts out, surprised he’s lasted this long. It’s only because Dieter blew him earlier otherwise he would be done for. “Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

Fullness is now a sensation that Dieter is intimately familiar with, but he never could have imagined what feeling Joel cum inside him would be like. How that would be the thing to trigger his own orgasm, splattering his stomach and chest with his own sticky release.

Joel groans, watching Dieter’s eyes roll back and his cock twitch between them. Jerking up and spurting cum all over his chest. It’s so fucking hot that he just came all over himself, while Joel’s cock continues to pulse deep inside him. “Fuck, fuck is it that good? It made you cum, baby?” He reaches out and wraps his hand around Dieter’s cock, pumping him through his release.

“Holy fucking shit.” When Dieter’s slack jaw moves again, he swallows a gulp of air and looks up at his boyfriend with adoration swimming in his eyes. He won’t say what he’s been thinking for weeks now, but it’s loud and clear in his heart and his mind. “That’s amazing. You’re amazing.”

******

You are the center of attention, muffled praises coming from Dieter as he bites and sucks at your breast. Leg tossed over Joel’s hip as he licks into your mouth, the slow pump of three thick fingers curl up into you again as he pulls back. “You’re doing so good for us sweetheart.” He coos. “You liked watching us, didn’t you? You’re so fucking wet. Slick from watching me fuck your Dee.”

Agreement comes on a moan, the nodding of your head somehow in tone with the thrusting of his fingers inside you. Joel has broad hands and thick fingers and it’s magical.

“It’s good baby, wish you could feel how tight he gets, his little hole squeezin’ me, kinda like your cunt right now.” Joel doesn’t talk a lot, but it doesn’t mean he can’t. Especially when he’s figured out you like the sound of his voice, rougher and lower than Dieter’s baritone. “Can’t wait to feel this around my cock.”

It's debatable if Joel clocked your voice kink early or if Dieter told him, but either way you've long since melted into the bed with the steady sound of filthy words in what's left of that silky Texas drawl. "What are you – fuck – waiting for?" You can feel his cock twitching against your hip and it's like a metronome for the throbbing in your pussy.

He chuckles, pressing his lips to yours and sliding his tongue through when you so willingly part them so he can flick his tongue against yours. "Your husband drained me." He reminds you huskily. "Fuck, if it was thirty years ago, I would already be deep inside you. Maybe even twenty years. Now I need a minute to recover." His fingers are sucked deeper by the grasping clutch of your cunt and his soft cock twitches.

Decades with Dee have made you acutely aware of what happens to aging men’s refractory periods, and the fact that your ability to cum and cum until you just collapse from exhaustion is very different from how their bodies work. “If you need to rest…” Pulling back from him is all about having an honest moment, even if his fingers are still inside you. “You can always wake me up creatively.”

Shaking his head, Joel smirks at you and leans down, biting your bottom lip. "Baby, I'm not sleeping until I've filled both of you up." He promises. "Want to see both of you leaking my cum." You've informed him after he fucked Dieter that pregnancy isn't possible, owing to issues before the end of 'modern' medicine, and he knows you aren't trying to trick him on that.

“Just trying to play nice,” you offer, catching his lip and giving it a nip in return before leaning over to your other side to press a kiss to the top of Dieter’s head. “I know someone loves to watch just as much as I do.”

Dieter pops off your breast with a blissed out smile. "It's— baby you're so beautiful when you're getting fucked, and I've dreamed of watching Joel fuck my girl." It's always been in the back of his mind when he was with any woman but especially the love of his life.

“I think somebody missed his man.” The affectionate chuckle from you is really for both men, even as you lean down to kiss your husband’s lips. The connection between them is so strong that getting to share a sweet moment amongst the intensity is a privilege.

Dieter huffs and blushes but he doesn't deny that. He did miss Joel. Joel was the first person to ever make him feel safe, to feel loved and wanted. Even if he had never spoken the words to him, Dieter had felt like he was worthy of living because Joel Miller cared about him. There had been a lot of times before Joel where he hadn't wanted to go on, and now - even in this harsh, post-apocalyptic landscape - Joel still brings that sense of safety to him.

"It's okay." Seeing the blush on Dieter's cheeks, you press another kiss to his lips and cup his cheek with your hand gently. "I get it now." It's a touching moment, but Joel can't help but curl his fingers and press them against that spongy spot he discovered makes your toes curl. "Shit, Joel!" That little motion pulls your back and hips right up off the bed and you gasp out his name, giggling to yourself about the way it takes you right out of the moment. Dieter does that stuff too from time to time – breaking the tension with physicality. Now you wonder who got it from whom when they were teens.

The man to blame chuckles and leans over to lap at your other breast. "You weren't paying attention." He hums playfully before he bites down gently.

"Telling Dee that I understand why he's still in love with you after thirty years isn't paying attention?" The hand you have on Joel's back curls around his shoulder now and holds him close to you. "My apologies."

Joel huffs at you, completely unaware of why he would still be in love with him. Rolling his eyes up at you and licking your nipple again. "Hush, I want you to cum."

“So demanding.” You tease, huffing at him in turn. But your rotating hips have been listening the whole time, moving with his hand to meet every thrust of his fingers.

“You want me to get hard again or not?” Joel asks, smirking down at you. “You wanna ride me, or have me fuck you into this bed like I did Dee?”

“You’ve already worked hard tonight, handsome.” The arm you had around him snakes back to you, slipping down between you to wrap your hand around his cock in encouragement. Feeling a cock grow hard in your grasp is always well worth it. “Let me ride you.”

“Fuck.” Joel groans, rocking his hips towards your hand as he pumps his fingers faster. “Fuck yes.”

Your amused chuckle washes away on a deep groan as Joel stretches his fingers out a little more inside you and hits just the right angle, making your legs quiver right before your pussy clamps down around all three digits inside it.

“That’s it, that’s it sweetheart.” He groans, loving the heat that washes over his fingers. Feeling your body start to shake with another orgasm. “Cum for me.”

Dieter’s expression of adoration doesn’t waver, watching you come apart for Joel. It takes over his whole face, shining in his eyes while he looks at the two of you. It’s the dream scenario, for him anyway, even if he’s watching you cum for Joel in a hotel bed after the collapse of civilization instead of in your mansion in Sherman Oaks.

Joel always enjoys the ride when he makes a partner cum. Kissing your jaw and your lips while you moan softly, cunt fluttering around his fingers until he senses that it’s time to stop moving them and let you catch your breath. “Beautiful.”

“On your back.” As soon as you’ve caught your breath you’re on the move, shifting so that Joel can get comfortable in the middle of the bed.

Joel rolls over as ordered and his hand finds Dieter’s thigh, finding his gaze on him and silently asking permission one last time.

"Don't be so nervous," Dieter chides softly, pressing close to slide his tongue into Joel's mouth and savor the taste of him while you straddle his waist. "She's amazing." Joel grunts into his mouth, reaching up to tangle his fingers into the curly locks of his lover and kisses him back before he lets go and turns to watch you grind against his cock.

"Keep going if you want." You rise up on your knees to position yourself over Joel's cock and start to sink down, fighting the urge to let your eyes shut in bliss as he stretches you out. "I don't mind wa—" Every inch makes you gasp a little and you slow down a little to savor the stretch. "Watching you make out while I ride you."

“Want to watch you take me.” Joel smirks, knowing that he has Dieter beat in the girth department slightly.

"Like to see how well you split me open?" If you were him, you'd love that too. As it is, your mouth drops open on a low moan the more you sink down on him.

“Fuck yes.” Joel groans, taking your hips and grunting as your walls squeeze him tight.

Dieter's groan is almost louder than yours as you seat yourself fully in Joel's lap. "Goddamn." You gasp out, swirling your hips in a rolling figure eight before rising up again to push out another curse on your way down. "So fucking thick, baby. Holy shit."

Joel chuckles smugly and lightly slaps your hip. “You’re just tight, sweetheart.” He coos, pinching your skin and then rubbing it gently. He likes the way you look on his cock and twitches as he rocks his hips up.

The pace you set might not be as brutal and needy as what he had picked with Dee, but it's energetic enough to have both men reaching for your bouncing tits and smacking your ass in alternation.

“Jesus.” Joel hisses, unable to stay still underneath you. It’s too much to even try. You fit him perfectly and ride him like he’s a bull you're trying to stay on. “Come on baby.”

It doesn't matter that your thighs burn and your knees protest a little more than they used to, the feeling of connection is deeper than you can put your finger on at the moment but you know that having Dieter's hand squeezing your ass every time it connects with Joel's thighs feels like more than just lust.

Somehow your fingers tangle with Joel’s, Dieter’s free hand also linked in. The three of you holding onto one another as you bounce your way closer to another orgasm. “So good, sweetheart. Doing so good for me.”

"So good." You echo, free hand leaving your tits to let your fingers circle your clit and letting your head fall back in pleasure when his cock throbs like it's responding to his hungry eyes devouring the sight. "Fuck, Joel. You're so fucking sexy -- could ride you all night."

It's an ego boost considering he thinks Dieter is far more attractive than he is. Groaning, he plants his feet on the bed and starts thrusting up, eager to see you fall apart, this time on his cock. "Do it." He dares you, knowing that you couldn't possibly keep this pace all night long but he's willing to sacrifice sleep.

“Gladly.” It’s bravado for both of you, but that doesn’t change the sentiment. That you both would if you could. Every time you impale yourself on him is another glorious groan out of both of you, and you know that chasing that orgasm for both of you won’t take long.

“Shit.” He hisses, watching as your bounces get tighter, more urgent. Leaning forward so you can press your lips against his, trapping Dieter’s hand on your tit between you.

“Fuck, fuck, fuuuccckk.” Joel’s arms hold you tight to his chest as he pounds into you, catching your fingers as they press into the swollen nub of your clit and pressing on it that much harder with every thrust. It ramps up so quickly that you barely manage to gasp out a warning before another orgasm slams into you like a freight train.

It's beautiful, the way you cry out and turn towards him. Even though you had been kissing your husband the second before you had shattered. Moaning into his mouth has his hips rock up a few more times before he feels his own body give into the pleasure and he fills you with an aching warmth and a gasp of your name.

“Oh my god…” Catching your breath, you revel in being splayed out on Joel’s chest and the way Dieter has curled up to both of you to cling to being close to the two people he cares about most in the world.

Joel chuckles, rubbing your back and his head rolls to the side so he can look at Dieter. "If you think that was good, wait until we share you." He teases.

“Tomorrow.” You mumble, grinning at them both. “We’re definitely doing that tomorrow.”

Joel hums and grins back at you, still stroking your back softly. “We can arrange that.”

"As many times as you want." Dieter agrees, softly pressing a kiss to your lips before leaning over to give the same to Joel. "For as long as we're all together."

“Come with us.” Joel urges, reaching out to keep Dieter close. “We’ll stay for a few more days, but I want – I just found you again.” He bites his lip. “I don’t want to leave you.”

Dieter's eyes immediately find yours, begging without saying a word, and you know that as usual it's your job to be the practical one. To not let your feelings run away with you. Even though, at this moment, you want to say yes and make big promises just like you did when you fell in love with Dieter. "Why don't we talk about it tomorrow?" You suggest, looking between both men indulgently. "When Joel isn't inside me?"

“That works.” Joel nods, trying to retain that practicality that has seemingly abandoned him. He pats your hip and sighs softly. “We should clean up.”

“Water in the basin by the fireplace should still be warm.” You stifle a yawn with one hand as you reluctantly slip off of him, hoping your legs will cooperate. “I’ll get it.”

“You stay put.” Joel insists as he rolls over with a groan. “I’ll take care of you both.” He had wondered where the warm clean rag to clean up him and Dieter had come from, but he hadn’t asked. Now he pushes to his feet and strides over to get what he needs to clean his lovers up again.

“You want to go, don’t you?” Alone even for a moment with your husband, you brush his sweat damp curls from his face and smile. “You want to stay with him.”

“Is that okay?” Dieter manages to frown and give you a wide-eyed pleading look, hoping you would understand.

“It’s going to be dangerous.” Despite that warning, you place a kiss on the tip of his nose. “Wherever we end up may be a lot more difficult than living here has been.” You both have seen the writing on the wall— you know that your supplies here are running out. That you’ll have to leave eventually. “There may not be privacy for a long time, or even any kind of comfort.”

Dieter bites his lip and his eyes flicker back over to Joel as he turns and moves back towards the bed with two rags in his hands. “I think it will be worth it. But—” he turns his head and cups your cheek. “If you don’t want to go, we stay.”

“Baby, we’re going to have to go. Probably sooner than we’d like.” The kiss you press to his lips is soft but earnest, full of all the love you can muster. “But I don’t want you to lose him, and the world out there is a hell of a lot less scary if you share it with people you love.”

“What are you feeling?” Dieter asks quickly, aware that Joel has slowed his stroll across the room after seeing the way your heads are pressed together.

“That he still loves you.” To you, at least, it’s obvious. Obvious in the way they are together and the way they were even before you all climbed into bed together. “And I know you still love him. And…I don’t know if Joel is like us. But if he is - or he could be - then I hope he could grow to love me, too.”

Joel interrupts the moment, finally reaching the bed and he kneels on it gently, his eyes shifting between the two of you. He didn't hear what was said, damn hard hearing, but he can guess. The conversation revolves around him, and he nudges your knees apart so he can start to clean you up. "I never imagined Dieter with a woman, not permanently." He offers quietly, smiling at you, and rolling his eyes. "But then again I didn't expect Dieter to stay with anyone. And he managed to choose a woman that both of us would want."

“I think I surprised most people by getting married.” Dieter admits, though he waggles his eyebrows at you in seeming triumph. “Me and her included.” He smiles at Joel proudly, chest puffed up even in his eagerness. “I laughed instead of crying when he proposed.” Your hand still on Dieter’s cheek strokes his patchy beard fondly. “That’s how shocked I was.”

Joel snorts and shoots the both of you a grin as you stare at each other lovingly. "I wouldn't doubt it." He huffs. "He was probably nervous and high as a fucking kite."

“Fucking terrified.” Dieter agrees immediately. “But I was stone sober. It was first thing in the morning, and we had just finished fucking.” He laughs at himself, knowing it had been a whim. Looking back, he’s still surprised you said yes. “I took her ring shopping that day.”

"You have a good story to hold onto when things are bad." He murmurs, tossing the rag with his cum onto the floor and then cleaning himself quickly so he can figure out if he needs to go or to lay down again.

“There’s always time to make more good memories.” Shifting over, you nudge Dieter toward the center of the bed to make room for Joel on his other side. “Which is what we were talking about.”

"Yeah?" He asks, not saying anything else. He's well aware of him coming into an established relationship and if you decided that you didn't want to change your dynamic, he understands. He's already put his own cards on the table.

“Lay down.” It might be a statement but Dieter asks it like a question.

"Okay." Joel nods and shifts to lay down on the bed beside Dieter, his hand resting on the other man's hip.

“We know that we don’t have a traditional marriage.” In the years that you’ve been with Dieter, you’ve been the voice of reason. His organizer. His logic. Taken care of him and done what’s best for him, and rejoiced when his needs and wants lined up with yours. Right now, delightedly, you can rejoice. “But there’s very little in the world that is traditional anymore. So…really what we’re saying is that whether or not we come with you is really a question of whether or not you can find it in yourself to share Dee, now that you’ve found him again. B-because,” you waver slightly, afraid that Dee’s heart being on the front of this battlefield is just too much to ask of your gentle husband. But it’s unavoidable. “Because we’re a package deal.”

Joel frowns, staring at you for a moment before he shakes his head. "Of course you are." He grunts, acting like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "You are married. I am the one who is the outlier here. Both of you was never the question. The question is where I would fit in."

“Wherever you want to.” Reaching over, you place your hand over his on Dieter’s hip. “You and Dee have loved each other a long time. And so have Dieter and I. So the hope is that you and I can find our way to each other.”

"I don't see that being a problem." Joel admits with a smirk. "Not at all."

The besotted grin that overtakes Dieter’s face flashes victory in your direction and he hums. “Told you,” he gloats happily.

“Yeah, you told me.” But you kiss him indulgently, not upset in the least when you look back at Joel. “We’ll pack up what we can here, and then we’ll all leave together.”

“Together." Joel nods and leans in to kiss Dieter and then you tenderly. He had approached this hotel looking for shelter for the night, maybe a meal or two from what was left in the kitchens. He had instead found the first person he had ever loved and a brand-new future to look forward to. Together.

______ Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @katheriner1999 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @hardc0rehaylz @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 @iceclaw101 @loveslide @elegantduckturtle

My Masterlist!

[ask21771]

What your cartoon crush says about you (90's edition)

Ariel (little mermaid)-you’re into tiny waistlines and oral sex

Belle (beauty and the beast)-you’re into girls who are smart and caring

Any of the Lion King characters-you’re a furry and not just a dabbler furry you’re super furry 99 (you may also have been banned from all local zoos)

Batman(BTAS)-you’re into the brooding loner with a heart of gold and a tortured past

Joker(BTAS)-you’ve never heard of Harley Quinn

Harley Quinn-(BTAS)You told yourself her and Ivy we’re “just friends” more times than you could count

Renee Montoya(BTAS)-you felt secure that she was only a lesbian in the mainstream  comics but when Batman: The adventures continue came out you were devastated 

Lois Lane(STAS)-You’re into the tough no nonsense type

Superman(STAS)-you want someone that’s kind, dependable and will always put you first

Supergir(STAS)l-you swear that massive collection of porn movies all titled “Farmers Daughter” on your computer isn’t yours, you have no idea how it got there

Mercy Graves-(STAS)you somehow want your partner to be both dominant and submissive all at once

Terry Mcgunniess(Batman Beyond)-you’ve got a thing for brooding heroic and mysterious loners and are totally ok with them randomly disappearing (you may have self esteem issues)

Dana Tan(Batman Beyond)-You think party girls are more innocent than they actually are

Max Gibson(Batman Beyond)-You’re happy there’s finally a character Cree Summer voices that turns you on as much the actress does

Inque (Batman Beyond)-You’re into some weird shit like even by internet standards

Curare (Batman Beyond)-You just really wanna see what she looks like without the mask

Rogue(X Men)-you don’t care how deadly a night with her would be, to you it would be worth it

Bernice(Duckman)-You never thought ducks were sexy before her, now you can’t go near the park

Marge Simpson(Simpsons)-There’s an 85% chance she was the first cartoon character to kick start you going through puberty

Miss Sarah Bellum(PPG)-The second you found out she wasn’t in the 2016  show you threw your TV out the window Tommy Wiseau style

Sedusa(PPG)-you’re broke because you keep giving your personal information to live cam girls

Miss Keene(PPG)-you’re hot for teacher

The Powerpuff Girls(PPG)-sir why don’t have a seat over here

Nazz(Ed Edd n Eddy)-You like the calm relaxed type

Sarah(Ed Edd n Eddy-you have low self esteem (you’re also a total bottom)

The Kanker Sisters (Ed Edd n Eddy)-WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Dexter’s Mom (Dexter’s Lab)-Yeah you and every other 90’s kid

Dee Dee (Dexter’s Lab)-You’re a pedo and a weird one

Dot (Animaniacs)-uhhh…pedophile? (srlsy the warners ages are all over the place)

Hello Nurse (Animaniacs)-You’re mind is stuck in the 50’s and you make girls who dress up as nurses for Halloween uncomfortable

Slappy Squirrel(Animaniacs)-you like “mature” women and you won’t apologize for it

Minerva Mink-You don’t care if she only appeared in 2 episodes your heart will always belong to her

Babs Bunny (Tiny Toons)-You just started going through puberty when you first saw her and she awakened something in you (at least I hope you were going through puberty when that happened)

Fifi Lafume-You would sell your soul for her to lust after you the way she lusts after….pretty much every guy 

Shirley Loon-you like girls who sound vapid and like they’re from the valley

[coffee-n-bagels-comic-universe]

Superheroes with Secrets: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Fic Part 187. Set in 2002)

Around 2000 Words. 18+ in places. Please inform me if you wish to be tagged/untagged from posts.

Tags: @tantamount-treason @piratewithvigor @thedollmaker16

Reference Posts: ‘Giantess’/‘Blacklight Bandit’ Kirby Roussimoff x Shane ’Hurricane’ Helms (Circa 2001)

"That does sound nice. Very nice."

"You cut yourself a slice of cake, I'll get comfy on the couch."

"Yes ma'am." He smiles, pushing up from his seat and turning to cut a slice, showing off his back, covered in long lines of welts and some broken skin marks. Evidence of Kirby's lust painted across his body.

"Wow, Shane, starting to think Kirby's a hurricane of love." Dee chuckles softly.

"I wouldn't argue that. She likes claiming me."

"Yeah, likes claiming you a lot, looks like a werewolf attacked you." Jeff adds

"Kinda feels like it, but it also feels damn good."

"Like when Dee bites my collarbone a little too hard and leaves marks, feels like a vampire attack, but it's really fucking good." Jeff nods in agreement with Helms.

"Oh man, yeah. Love losing a little blood."

"Men are so confusing, I swear we're a different species." Kirby whispers, making Delilah laugh.

"Don't kink-shame." Helms laughs.

"I'm not kink-shaming, I'm making a joke because I'm the one who marks you up and gets off because you get off."

"We both like marking me up."

"Do you reckon Catwoman marks up Batman when they have sex?"

"Absolutely she does. He has a pain kink and she has claws."

"What about Superman and Lois Lane?"

"I don't think Supes even knows what sex is."

"Imagine explaining sex to Superman." Kirby murmurs, earning a couple giggles from Delilah.

"He's a Kansas farm boy. Sex doesn't exist there." Helms chuckles.

"Is this a veiled way of saying that because I'm a North Carolina ranch kid, I didn't know much about sex until you came alone, because that's pretty accurate."

"It's more like in Kansas, they're farm people and they're religious. Hardly any sex ed anywhere."

"So… the Godwin family, or Hillbilly Jim?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Who, what, wait a minute."

"Country boys, Dee, wrestling gimmick stuff."

"Yeah. The hillbillies who wrestled Trips in a pig truck."

"Trips?" Delilah asks, totally confused.

"Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Triple H, Trips." Kirby explains softly.

"Sorry, I spend so much time around only wrestlers I forget I may as well be speaking Greek." Helms chuckles sheepishly.

"Glad I can translate, sexy husband." Kirby murmurs, pulling Helms into a gentle kiss and messing with his hair.

"You speak enough other languages that I translate for, so I guess this is fair." He smiles.

"It's why we go so well together, we can translate each other."

"Cause we're so damn good at communicating."

"Communication is key to a happy marriage, and I couldn't be happier." Kirby grins.

"Neither could I."

Kirby pulls Helms into another kiss, placing her forehead against his.

"To the couch?" He murmurs.

"Yeah, to the couch… snuggling time."

"Bitchin'." He grins.

Kirby leads Helms to the tv room, laying on the couch and letting him lay on top of her.

He's on his side, nuzzled up to her bump and sighing happily, "Your Mama's a cougar," he murmurs to Lilith, "she scratched Daddy good and hard."

"More like a tiger than a cougar, or a lioness."

"Well, a cougar is also a sexy older woman."

"Yeah, but I don't have good connotations of that word, I have Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah connotations of the word cougar, I don't like it."

"Panther, then?"

"I like that, similar to a cougar but darker and in my opinion, sexier."

"Way sexier."

"You're very sexy yourself, my hero."

"Not as sexy as you."

"Thank you baby daddy, I love you."

"I love you too."

"You make my heart sing, mon amour."

"Do I really?"

"Yeah, a melody I cannot describe or sing to you."

"I think I understand the melody."

Kirby strokes his hair gently, smiling at him and sighing softly.

"You feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay, super tired though, but that's about it." Kirby whispers.

"You've been really tired today…"

"Reading paperwork all day will do that to ya, haven't managed to catch a break from it since last Saturday."

"Glad it's nothing illness-related."

"If I were ill, we wouldn't be snuggling, don't want you getting sick when I'm sick, Shaney baby."

"That's sweet, but I'd catch anything to help you feel better."

"I love you, mon mari, you're so nice to me… can I make one request for tonight, my love?"

"Of course."

"Can we just sleep, I know that you're probably gonna want to make love and make me feel like a princess, but I just want to sleep tonight, mon mari."

"I don't mind, honey. If you need to sleep, so be it."

"Thank you, mon ange, you are so sweet to me."

"Well, you are the birthday girl."

"Thank you for reminding me, I'm so old, Shane, I'm super old." Kirby murmurs, fake pouting.

"Honey, you're not old."

"I'm older than you, and most of our friends."

"And I'm the second oldest."

"True, so it's not so bad being older than everyone, means I have more experience with the world."

"Exactly."

"But it also makes us the ones who have to be more responsible… more adult."

"Anyone is more adult than the Hardys."

"Yeah, but currently neither Lita or Delilah is pregnant, however I am, so out of everyone, we have to be the adults, because you succeeded in getting me pregnant, ya giant slayer." Kirby chuckles softly.

"We're everyone's parents."

"Yeah we are, but more importantly, we're Lilith's parents, I'm more protective of her than anyone else."

"Same here. I refuse to let anything happen to her."

"I might have a nap, baby daddy, you alright if I get some more rest?"

"Fine by me."

Kirby settles down to sleep, softly stroking Helms' hair before falling asleep. As she sleeps, he rubs her belly gently, occasionally kissing where he feels Lilith moving. It's such a quiet moment that the only thing that makes any noise is Jeff and Delilah awwing at the sight from the doorway.

"You two gonna stay the night?" He whispers.

"No, we were gonna head out, but we noticed you two in here and couldn't resist peeking in." Delilah explains, looking quite ashamed of herself.

"She's sleeping a lot since Lilith started moving around more."

"Lilith's definitely your kid, Shane, especially if she's moving around a lot even before she's born." Jeff chuckles.

"I'll have to up my workout to keep up with her."

"Both you and the kid are made of strong stuff, but I guess that you made yourself that strong and Lilith is just genetically badass because of you and Kirby."

"She's already half perfect to start with if she's her Mama's kid."

"Guess we'd better be going, so I can get started on making a cousin for your daughter." Jeff smirks.

"Working on that already?"

"Not exactly, but it's not like I'm constantly wearing protection." Jeff shrugs, earning a sigh from Delilah.

"You ol' daredevil."

"You know me so well you green devil, anyway, we'll see ourselves out and I think we'll be back tomorrow with Matt and Lita."

"Good call."

Jeff and Delilah leave the house, the door closing waking Kirby up for a moment before she settles back and goes to sleep. Helms stays on her lap for a while, only moving when he's positive she's fully asleep. Kirby shifts slightly but stays asleep. He sneaks into the kitchen to start working on her actual birthday cake. The one he's making to truly impress her with both cake and decorations.

The house is quiet, unusually quiet except for the kitchen. Everyone's sleeping and Helms is doing his best to be quiet and efficient to let them both rest. Kirby's paperwork and sketchbook is still where she left it in the kitchen, she's been working on her pile of papers for almost two weeks straight and probably will be for another week. It seemingly keeps rising no matter how much she keeps working on it. It's mostly contracts and freelance agreements, but on top of the pile is her financial statements from her accountant and a note from the accountant asking if she wants to make a joint account with Helms.

It's something they've been needing to discuss, but the conversation never feels properly timed. Kirby wouldn't mind if Helms looked through the paperwork and she's made it clear that she doesn't mind him looking through her work. While he waits for the cake to bake, he looks over them a little. Halfway through the pile is a few pages with months written in the top right corner, the see-through folder the pages are in has a sticky note on it which reads 'WWF cruiserweight risqué calendar- do not show Shane'. Helms needs a moment or two to consider what he's seeing.

He decides after a second to open it up. It's full of sketches of the cruiserweight members of the roster, most of which are almost nude and accompanied by the pictures the drawing is based on, along with notes on ideas related to making a calendar from the drawing as an answer to Vince's idea of making a Divas calendar. As soon as he figures out what they are, he closes it quickly, his cheeks bright red. The moment he closes the folder, the egg timer goes off. He rushes over to the oven to take out the cake, trying to take out the cake, trying to get the images out of his mind.

For every three sketches of the others on the roster there was one sketch of Helms, some marked with 'v-2' or 'version-two' implying that Kirby has drawn the pictures of him twice, possibly one nude and one almost nude. Seeing him drawn by Kirby always makes him a little embarrassed. She sees him in a much better light than he sees himself. It doesn't help his embarrassment that in one drawing the only thing covering his crotch was his cape draped over him. He just prays he'll stop blushing by the time either her or Shannon wakes up. There's a small noise from the tv room, Kirby moving a little or possibly waking up.

Helms closes all the documents and stacks them exactly how they were. The house once again falls silent. He exhales in quiet relief and resumes decorating the cake. It took Helms a couple attempts but he's finally found the perfect way to decorate the cake. He's got it a soft peach with little piped roses along the edge.

It looks like one of those cakes you would see on a bakers Instagram page or Pinterest. When he pipes on the last little leaf, only then does he exhale in relief. It slowly dawns on Helms that he's got to find somewhere to put the cake. Using one of their biggest bowls as a cover, he gets it into the fridge and pretty well-hidden at the back.

"Shane, my love," Kirby calls from the tv room, "what's the time, sexy husband?"

"Just after four, hon."

"What would you like for dinner, mon amour?" She asks, slowly walking into the kitchen.

"Is it cheesy to say you?"

"Yes, but I'll allow it."

"You."

"Come feast on me, you sexy beast." Kirby teases as she gets undressed in front of Helms.

"My favourite snack." He smirks.

Kirby giggles, "Oh my love."

"Lie down for me?"

"How about we change things up a little, and you lay down for me?"

"Mm, that's different." He grins, following her instructions.

Kirby kneels over his face, her knees either side of his head, "you okay with this, mon ange?"

"Perfectly fine with this. Best view in the house."

"Don't just look at me, sexy husband, make a meal out of my love."

"With pleasure." He smirks, grasping her thighs and plunging his tongue into her.

Kirby moans in ecstasy, "oh fuck me."

"Could do that too." He chuckles.

"You could, but wouldn't you rather make me cum like this and then fuck me?"

"Absolutely I would."

"So, after you make me cum, then you can fuck my brains out, my hero."

[pheita]

Dimensonal Tides Part 20

Yes, I am the master in putting too much into one story. This will take some more parts till we meet Sojan and the gang again. I also can't wait for it.

Warnings for: talk about sex, and sexual preferences.

Tagging @ashen-crest @adie-dee @abalonetea @cometkov @contes-de-rheio @kainablue @chris-the-dragonslayer @viskafrer @vivian-is-writing

The preparations went well after Casimerin assigned everyone their task. On the fourth day, Miada found herself already halfway through in the position that she could not continue until the next day. After a few minutes spent considering if there was anything else she could do, she decided to let it go for the day. "I was going to force you," Cindarin laughed behind her. Somehow in that short time, the older dragoness had become something like another aunt. "Don't worry, I'm not that much of a workaholic." "I wasn't so sure about that at first." Laughing, Cindarin waved her goodbye and continued on to the kitchen. Arriving at the locker, she found Bayeen just gathering everything together as well to call it a day. "Finished too?" "I have to wait for data and it won't come in until tonight." "I guess we all have the same thing going on," Fenor commented from the doorway. Behind him, Sykova and two other colleagues arrived. Miada looked up at the clock. It was just early afternoon. "The weather is nice. I think it calls for a picnic." "That's the best idea I've heard in the last three days," Fenor sighed. Slowly he became more theatrical than Sykova. "You poor man," Sykova played the pitiful one and took Fenor in her arms from behind and pressed a kiss on his cheek.

It was clear how Fenor immediately went stiff as a board. Out of the corner of her eye, Miada saw Bayeen looking at her in confusion, and she could understand. How many times had the two of them taken each other in their arms and given each other a kiss. It was nothing out of the ordinary. Sykova had noticed it too, and as quickly as he could unobtrusively let go of Fenor. "I heard picnic?" he resumed the thread from before. "That's the plan." Always keeping Fenor in sight, Miada gathered everything together. The question of why the men always had to make such a mess accompanied her as she walked over to Vivalka. "Hey, Viv, still busy?" "Not really, an hour or maybe an hour and a half. You're done?" Vivalka turned in her seat to face her. "Yeah, have to wait until tomorrow. We're going to the park for a picnic. You can join us if you like." "You're going to raid our favorite bakery?" "Were you expecting anything else?", Miada just grinned in reply. "Not really. I'll see how long it takes me. But you guys should work something out first." Vivalka nodded over to Fenor, who was very careful to keep the distance between himself and Sykova. Miada sighed and looked to her with raised eyebrows. "Would you help me lock these two in a room?" "If I may observe the outcome?" "I corrupted you...," Miada replied in a dramatic tone. "I'm just better at ignoring such thoughts." "I can't argue with that. I may come back to that. And Viv?" "Hmm?" Vivalka had been half in the motion of turning back around. "Love you." "Love you too, stubborn. Now get your dragon's brains right." Laughing, Miada nudged Vivalka with her shoulder and received a light slap in response. Oddly enough, she was in a little better mood now, even if it wasn't good that the tension between Fenor and Sykova was so evident. Since everyone knew where they were going to meet, it was just a matter of who got what. It wasn't the first impromptu picnic, and they had a favorite spot where everyone would meet again either way. On the way to the bakery, she went over what she could do the next day and found that it would again come down to only having something to do half the time. Without giving it any more thought, she booked one of the institute's training halls. She had barely gotten to work out since graduation, and with what was ahead of them, she wanted to be in as good shape as she could be. After detouring to the bakery and loaded down with cupcakes, sandwiches, and fresh bread, she finally arrived at the place. Fenor was already there, laying out the blankets. There was a bag at the side, where Miada firmly assumed there was the cutlery. Fenor preferred the comfort of picnicking, which, in her opinion, had ruined them all forever for simple picnics. "Mis, you're quick." Half amazed, half amused, Fenor commented on her arrival. "I was lucky there was no other customer. Besides, I was there alone." His laughter meant he knew she was getting at the fact that usually Sykova was the reason for the delay.

[transcharliekelly]

HAVE YOU SEEN 05 + 06 YET AND IF SO what are ur thoughts !!!!!!

anon i was just about to watch them when i got this i forgot im sorry :""] i really liked them !!!! the antivax glennis joke made me yell outloud and the whole thing with him having covid is like. ok i have no bar for covid media like i stopped watching shameless bc of it every episode of superstore s6, a show i adore, was just strenuous bc of it, so on and so forth, because there's just something so like. forced about it. like it's this upsetting horrible thing happening in the world and seeing sitcoms shoehorn it in, even when they are using it to tell realistic stories and even if i do see the value of telling those stories its just. idk uncomfortable. and i was DEATHLY nervous for sunny doing it bc of the heavy-handed gracelessness w everything remotely worldly they crammed into s13 + s14 via hamfisted metaphors but its like. yeah it works. ESPECIALLY going insane over all the girlies taking it as a metaphor for his queerness which was something i was kind of aware of on the peripheral while watching it but now i 100% am taking it as such.

hm what else. im really into the storyline w charlie, i think it's interesting and charlie is one of my favourite characters like ever so i always love when he gets stories. but ok like. i hate to say it but i am kind of hoping this shelly guy turns out to not at all be who he says he is bc i love twists and evilness and also it just feels very sunny for everything to go to shit. i may be a bit biased bc ive always kind of been a frank girl and that shot at the end (+just the whole story throughout the episode, esp the way its never really played for a joke (like there are jokes in it obv but the story itself isnt a joke) or even adressed super outright) just made me very :[[[

also i LOVED the moment with mac and the priest. ive made several posts about how angry the treatment of his character/identity in s13 + s14 makes me but this whole season has been totally different and this scene really really gave me hope for the direction that they're taking him in. i've always maintained that i do not think sunny is right for absolutely any romantic relationship involving/between the mains (bar stuff like artemis and frank or smt) so im not saying give mac his gay gay ass love story arc im saying let him talk about fucking and sucking completely conversationally and admire a hot priest without the joke being "GUYS. LOOK. HES A GAY MAN. HE IS ATTRACTED TO OTHER MEN. HE HAS SEX WITH OTHER MEN. HE IS A MAN THAT IS ATTRACTED TO AND HAS SEX WITH OTHER MEN. ARE YOU SEEING THIS SHIT."

i dont have any thoughts abt dee but shes a milf no matter what that director says and her and the waitress are dating thats it

also loved seeing mac's mom again shes so funny❤️........... and the scene where mac is talking about killing himself was so fucking good instantly one of my fave sunny moments....... DO IT BITCH.........

[babeyvenus]

The Wolf Among Us

Bigby x OC

Summary: Sonya Blaze, A.K.A. Hell Rider, is a half fable, half mundy girl who comes to Fabletown to learn more about her side of the folktales. She works alongside Sheriff Bigby Wolf's as his newest partner and together they strive to find out who's behind the unexpected murders in Fabletown.

TW: Mentions of death, gore/blood, alcohol, drugs, sex implications, suicide, guns and ofc language.

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Chapter 6: Let's Get Some Answers

“-Wolf.”

“Mr. Wolf.”

“Mr. Wolf!”

Bigby snapped out of his thoughts, blinking away from the photo of Sonya’s decapitated head. He looked around the interrogation room. “You’re making this more difficult than this has to be.”, the Mundy police detective says. “If you’d just cooperate and answer the questions, you can go home. Maybe get some sleep.”, she says, watching Bigby grab the pack of cigarettes, takes one out and light it.

“How are you feeling?”, she asked him. “I know it’s been a long night for you. You look like you could use some rest.”

“I’m hunky dory. Thanks for asking.” Bigby rolls his eyes.

“There’s no need to get aggressive, I’m trying to help you.”, she says, distastefully unappreciative of his attitude. “Look….I know what you must be going through. Really, I do, but I could use your cooperation.”

He glared at her, displeased with her statement. “You don’t know anything. If you did, you wouldn’t be sitting here talking to me. You’d be talking to the piece of shit that did this.”, he replied.

She frowned deeply. “Well, you stonewalling me like this isn’t helping either of us, so why don’t you cut the shit and…” She takes a deep breath while Bigby takes another puff of the cigarette. “I’m trying to help you, Bigby.”

“What is it with you cops always trying to empathize with people? “I know this must be hard for you.” Do you? Do you fucking know?!”, he yells angrily. He leans on the table, glaring at Brannigan, trying to keep himself together. “Have you had a friend killed and their head left at your fucking doorstep?”

Brannigan almost looks hurt as he yells at her. “No? Didn’t think so.”, Bigby said, calmly as he leaned back in his chair.

He looks away, thinking back to before he last saw Sonya. If only he stuck around a little longer. He could’ve protected her. ‘She just got here…’, he thought, sadly.

A metallic smell snapped him out of his thoughts as he looked back at the detective. “Your nose is bleeding.” The detective looked at him confused then realized her nose was actually bleeding. Bigby raises an eyebrow at her confused expression. “You look nuts right now. Its kinda hard to take you serious with that mess on your face.” His eyebrows furrowed when she didn’t respond. “Detective Brannigan?"

"I’m Detective Brannigan.”, she says, almost robotic. “Uh, yeah. I know. I just said that. Is there something-”, Bigby starts to ask but gets cut off by Brannigan, as she looks around warily. “Do you hear that?”

Suddenly, she groans in pain as she cups her head. “Please….please…” she begged to no one. Bigby looks at her in shock. He heard squeaking from the one way mirror and he heard some thuds coming from behind it. "I’m sorry, just…..make it stop…please.“ Brannigan begs as she stands up but she slumps over the table.

Bigby’s eyes widened as he looked at her limp body. ‘What the fuck just happened…?’, he thought until Crane busted in the door, carrying a box labeled Evidence. "We have to go. Now!”, he ordered.

“What did you do to her?”, Bigby asked him. “She’ll be fine! It’s just a memory wipe spell. Very expensive, but it works. The whole station will forget the last twenty-four hours and everything they saw at the Woodlands.” Crane explains. “Well, hurry up!”, he yells.

Bigby puts out his cigarette in the ashtray and starts to walk out. He pauses, looking at Sonya’s picture and takes it before following Crane out of the station. Crane drove to the Woodlands, only to pause in traffic. The two men sit in the car silently until Bigby spoke up. “Thanks for the lift.” Crane looks over at Bigby in surprise for a moment, feeling appreciated. “Certainly.”

They quiet down again until Crane speaks. “We, uh, we found Tweedle Dee chained up to a post. That was your doing, correct?” Bigby frowned. “Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t know why you detained him. Dee was at the Trip Trap when Miss Sonya was left at the Woodlands, so he couldn’t possibly be involved in this mayhem. Bluebeard’s currently interrogating him.” Crane informs. Bigby could feel himself getting irritated. “There’s two of them. Dee and Dum. And they’ve been snooping around every crime scene I’ve looked at.”, Bigby says.

“That doesn’t mean they’re necessarily involved in the murders…” Crane says. Bigby glares at him then looks out the window.

Traffic finally lightens up a bit but they pause at a stop light. Crane, sensing Bigby’s overwhelming irritability, he stops the car, waiting for the light to turn green. “I know what you’re thinking, Bigby. It’s been one full night and a slice of morning, and I already miss her, too.” Crane said as he gives him a sad look. The light turns green and Crane drives off again.

“You know, I never get more homesick than when one of us dies. She may have been a new one, but its like her father all over again. He died and now her,” Bigby looks at him in shock. ‘Her father….? Is that what mirror meant by heiress…?’

“…I’ve never been good with these sorts of things. I just can’t believe this is really happening.” Crane said, frowning in sadness.

“Yeah…it’s hard.” Bigby agreed, looking back out the window.

“Our stories used to be so simple. We had a beginning, a middle, and an end. But ever since we moved to this awful city….everything’s gotten so confused. Did she, um, give any indication to what she was thinking, .when you saw her last, I mean? I don’t know why, but I’d like to know that she was….I guess fine, I suppose.” Crane asked Bigby.

Bigby closed his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing. “She just… she told me to be careful.” Bigby said.

“I’d like to think she took a liking to you, Bigby.”, Crane says, making Bigby look at him in surprise. “Has anyone informed Snow?”, Bigby asked. “No, we can’t seem to find her. She wasn’t in the office or in her apartment. But we’ll find her.” Crane says. Bigby frowns. ‘She did say she was gonna check up on her…’

“I don’t know what else to say, Bigby. We have to- we have to put an end to this. It’s been two murders in as many days. If we don’t unearth our culprit soon, there will likely be another on our doorstep tonight.”, Crane said, pulling up to the front of the Woodlands and gets out of his car.

“I’ll get it done.”, Bigby grumbles, getting out of the car. “Please, Bigby. For Sonya.”, Crane said “I said I got it!”, Bigby growled, slamming the car door so hard that the window cracked. Crane frowns at Bigby’s actions and follows him inside.

The Woodland Luxury Apartments

Basement

“You ignorant fuck!” A deep voice is heard yelling. Bigby rolled his eyes. “Bluebeard…”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”, Crane yelled, storming up to the bald, tall man. Bigby crossed his arms, leaning in the doorway. “Hello, Ichabod. Sheriff.”, Bluebeard greeted, wiping away his knife. “Bluebeard.”, Bigby greeted, annoyed.

“I was just chatting with our new friend.”, Bluebeard explains to the two men. “You were supposed to wait for us to get back!”, Crane shouts at the taller man. “I told you, if you want to be involved, you will do things my way. No violence!”

Bluebeard gave him a fake smile. “Whatever you say, Ichabod.” said Bluebeard as he steps away from the Tweedle twin. “Hello, Bigby.” Dee greeted him, grinning as Bigby walked up to him. “I want answers, Dee.”, Bigby said, folding his arms across his chest.

“Oh goodie! I thought you wanted questions. And I was having so much trouble thinking of any good ones.”, Dee said, with a taunting smile. “Though, I’d settled on, How’s your head?”

Bigby narrowed his eyes at the bloodied twin. “You see what I’ve been dealing with!? What are you going to do about this, Bigby?”, Bluebeard asked the Sheriff.

Bigby gives Dee a smirk as he leans in his face. “I’m glad you have a sense of humor. I hope that means you’re willing to cooperate. Sonya Blaze is dead.”, Bigby growled. “Look, I didn’t kill anyone.”, Dee told him, shrugging. “And I’m supposed to just believe you?”, Bigby asked. “You were with me when it happened, dummy.”, Dee replied with a smirk.

Bigby breathes through his nose, considering breaking Dee’s. Bigby closes his eyes for a moment then opens them. “I still have questions for you, Dee.”, he says. “Sounds like a personal problem.” Dee looked at him with a bored expression.

“I saw you at Faith’s apartment. What were you doing there?”, Bigby asked. “Girl’s got air conditioning. You can’t imagine what it’s like livin’ in a little shit hole with no air.” Dee complains, sarcastically. Bigby glared at him and punched Dee in the stomach.

Dee coughs in pain, making Bluebeard smile and shocking Crane. “All right, Dee. Let’s get to know each other.” Bigby said, slamming his fist into his palm. He pulled out Sonya’s picture, not even wanting to look at it himself. He showed it to Dee, making him flinch and look away. “Fuck, Bigby! Don’t make me look at that…”

Bigby bared his teeth, “She’s dead! She was...my partner.”, he looked down in sadness for a bit before glaring at Dee. “She didn’t deserve that! If you don’t tell me who is responsible, we’re gonna have a problem!”

Dee rambled. “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re barking up the wrong tree. I don’t know who did it.” Bigby pocketed the picture, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “Just tell me what the hell you were doing at Toad’s.”

“Look, Bigby. We’re not on opposite sides here. My brother and I are trying to get to the bottom of things. Same as you.”, Dee explained. “Your brother…”, Bigby said, smiling. “Where was he exactly?” Dee gives him a worried look.“I can’t say….he could’ve been anywhere.”

“Take your best guess.”, Bluebeard frowns, crossing his arms. “He didn’t do it, if that’s what you’re thinking.”, Dee declares. “Okay, then where is he?”, Bigby asked. “No. I’m not sending you after my brother. Look, I answered your question. Can I get my stuff back now?”, Dee asked, giving Bigby a smile.

Bigby asked Crane, “What did you find on him?”

“Oh, uh….nothing of consequences really.”, Crane explains, walking over to pick up a box. He poured out whatever was in the box onto a mattress. It contained a big bottle of alcohol, a cigar and a big wad of cash.

Bigby frowned. ‘Nothing of importance…’

Bigby takes the cigar and starts to light it. “I’m saving that.”, Dee said, annoyed at Bigby’s actions. Bigby ignores him, taking a puff and blows the smoke in Dee’s face. He offers the cigar to Dee. “Yeah, alright.” Dee said and he takes a few drags out of the cigar. “Wanna see a trick?”, Dee asked him, then he blew smoke in Bigby’s face.

Dee smiles as Bigby drops the cigar on the floor and squishes it under his foot. “Look, Bigby. This isn’t going to work. Don’t you want to find out what happened to those girls…to Miss Blaze?” Bluebeard asked him. “Will you let me handle this.”, Bigby growled and turned to Dee.

“So. Where's your brother?”, he asked, crossing his arms.

“Look, mate. I’d like to help, I would, but I can’t tell you where he is. Last time, I saw him, we split up, and I went to find Faith’s–” Dee stops as he realizes he’s said too much. “I don’t know where he is now.”

“You went to find Faith’s what...?”, Bigby asked. Dee quickly answered, “Her apartment. I went to her apartment. That’s no secret. You saw me.”

“No, there’s more to it. You said you were trying to find something.”, Bluebeard said, making Dee gulp. “All right, Dee. Since you never answered my first question…what did you want from Faith?”, Bigby asked. “Sorry, I can’t help you. I’m not saying anymore about it.”, Dee said.

Bigby looks over at the large bottle. “You just carry this around?”, he asked Dee. “Always handy that way.”, Dee replied, smirking. Bigby rolled his eyes.

“This is ridiculous!”, Bluebeard exclaims as Bigby sets the bottle aside. “He’s never going to talk if you treat him like a fucking houseguest!”, he shouted, marching up to Bigby.

“Bluebeard!”, Crane shouts, getting angry with the bald man. “I’ve already heard your opinion.”, Bluebeard argues. “Back off, Bluebeard! This isn’t your job!”, Bigby yells.

“Get your answers, or I’m taking over.”, Bluebeard frowns.

“Not happening.”, Bigby said as he faces Dee. “Come on, Dee. What did you want from Faith? A sweet girl like her…” He shook his head sadly.

Dee scoffed. “Sweet?! You think that girl was sweet? She was a fuckin’ thief!”, Dee exclaims, in disbelief. “Fuckin’ sweet. Faith was plenty of things, but that ain’t one of ‘em. I mean, you know what she did for a living, right?"

"You still seem pretty mad about it.”, Bigby smiles slyly. “Hell, I ain’t bothered. Wasn’t me she stole from. Nah, she took somethin’ from my boss.”, Dee shrugged.

“Your boss….”, Bluebeard said and Dee’s eyes widened. “So, let’s talk about your boss then.”, Bigby said.

Dee chuckles nervously. “You’re gonna get me in trouble, Bigby. I can’t answer any more of your questions.”

Bigby grabs the wad of cash and holds it up. “You always carry this much cash?”, he asked. "I’ve got a lot of laundry to do this week. What’s it to you?“, Dee said, sarcastically. Bigby rolls his eyes, putting the wad back down.

“Why don’t you just tell me who you’re working for?”, Bigby asked Dee, getting irritated. What was up with people making his job harder than it had to be…!? “Look. You’re not a bad guy, I believe Beauty on that one, but I can’t give you that information. That’s where I gotta draw the line.”, Dee declares.

“Beauty…”, Bigby’s eyes widened. “There’s no way Beauty would associate with a scumbag like you!”, Bigby yelled. “What’s wrong with me? You tellin’ me I ain’t pretty enough?”, Dee asked, taunting Bigby. “Oh, yeah, we’re real close.”, he says, antagonizing. “Bullshit.”, Bigby spat, slamming his arm into Dee’s throat. “The hell are you doing with Beauty, anyways!?” If Beast ever found out… He didn’t even wanna think about it.

Bigby’s reaction made Dee smirk. “Enough of this!”, Bluebeard shouts, angrily. “Bluebeard!”, Crane yelled, giving Bluebeard a warning tone. Bluebeard gets into Bigby’s face and shouts. “You’re not getting any answers from him this way. Sonya Blaze is dead. One of us! And you’re going to let this ignorant shit walk out of here in one piece?!”

Bluebeard shoves Bigby to the side and storms up to Dee. “Out of my way, I’ll show you how it’s done.” He punched Dee in the stomach.

“Ah, what the fuck!”, Dee yells in pain.

“What do you think you’re doing?!”, Crane yells at Bluebeard, angrily. “Teaching him a lesson. Now, pay attention.”, Bluebeard said and punched Dee in the face. “Stop this right now!”, Crane shouts.

“You enjoying yourself?”, Dee asked, glaring at Bluebeard.

“Immensely.”, Bluebeard says, giving him a smile.

Bigby grabs Bluebeard’s arm and pulls him away from Dee. Bluebeard glares at Bigby, shoves him and throws a punch. Bigby ducks and punches him in the stomach, making Bluebeard groan while Bigby shoves him against the wall and tries to restrain him. “Enough.”, he growls in his face.

Suddenly the door to the basement opens, revealing an angry Snow White. “What’s going on down here!?”, she demanded for answers. Crane turns to her in shock. “S-Snow! We’ve been looking for you!” Snow frowns at him. “What happened now!?”, a voice yells, down the hall.

Bigby’s eyes widened as he heard her voice. A confused and irritated Sonya walked in the door. “Sonya…”, he muttered.

Woodlands Lobby

“What the hell were you doing down there, Bigby?”, Sonya asks. “It wasn’t me. I wanted to do things the right way but of course, Bluebeard had other plans.”, Bigby grumbled. Sonya frowned, shaking her head. “Okay.”

They walked over to an elevator. “Okay, you’re gonna have to explain this, cause I’m really not getting it yet.”, Bigby said, still confused and shocked.

“After our conversation in the taxi last night, I headed back to my place, got stuff done so now its a little better, Snow called me down to the Office and told me she got a call from Toad. He said his T.J. found a body. So, we went to go check it out. We thought it was Faith at the time… But this time… it was different. Getting her back here wasn’t easy, but hopefully we’ll find something on her to help us track down the killer. Or at least to figure out who she is.”, she said, walking in the elevator.

“I should have been there, Sonya.”, Bigby said, following her. “We tried to call the Business Office, but there was no answer. We couldn’t find you, or anyone. So, Snow and I took care of it.”, Sonya says with a frown. She pushed the floor button, making the doors close and the elevator moves. For a moment, they stay quiet until Bigby speaks up. “Sonya…”

She looks over at him. “Yeah?” He lets out a soft sigh. “I’m glad you’re not dead.”, he says, giving her a small smile. She gives him a grin. “I wouldn’t let you live in this harsh world without me.”, she joked, making him roll his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

Outside The Business Office

“I just want to get to the bottom of this.”, she said as the elevator stopped and opened the doors. “I just….”, she sighed.

“What is it?”, Bigby asked, walking out of the elevator with her."I just….I feel responsible, in a way. She looked just like me. Maybe that’s why she was killed.“, she frowned. “I mean why me? I hardly know anyone who would be out for me to begin with, much less make someone else be glamoured as me.”

"If someone wants you dead, at some point they’ll realize they missed their target.”, Bigby said. “And they’ll come looking for me.”, she said, folding her arms across her chest. “We just have to find out who did this. And why she was glamoured to look like me…I mean, that’s what it is, right?”

Bigby shrugs a bit and scratches his stubble. She sighed, looking at the door of the Business Office. “So what’s our next move?”, she asked Bigby. “Maybe you should lie low for a while. Until we figure out what’s going on.”, Bigby suggested.

She scoffed. "And what? Sit around my apartment twiddling my thumbs all day while you guys solve what little we have now? Not happenin’.“, she says, huffing. "That’s not what I meant.”, Bigby replied, frowning. “Then what?”, she asked.

“I just want you to be careful. I almost lost you once–” Bigby started to explain, but Sonya cut him off, pointing a finger at his chest. “Bigby, I am not a little kid. I can handle a little danger.”, she argues and sighs, backing away. He looks at her sadly. "I’m sorry.“, she apologized. "I know it’s dangerous, but I’m not helpless. I can take care of myself.” She looked down, “I’ve been doing it for years.”

She shook her head. Let’s go talk to T.J. He was so freaked out last night, he wouldn’t even tell us much. Even now he just stops talking altogether after a certain point. He’s pretty shaken up though, so try to be patient.”, she says, smiling.

"Yeah. I promise.”, he says. Sonya opened the door and once they entered, Snow looks up and walks over to them. “T.J.’s over there.”, she said as she points over to where Toad and T.J. stand in front of the Magic Mirror.

“I don’t know if you want to talk to him first or after, but let me know when you’re ready to see the body.", she tells Bigby. She nods and turns away to talk to Bufkin. Before Bigby walks away, Sonya grabs his arm. "Let me talk to him, too.”

“You sure?” Bigby asked and she nods. They walk over to Snow, waiting for her to finish her conversation with Bufkin. “Let’s talk to T.J.”, Bigby said and walks over to Toad and T.J.

Sonya sighs and follows behind, seeing Toad and T.J. watch something in the Mirror. Toad jumps and yells at the Mirror to stop. “What’re you doing?”, Bigby asks him. “What, I wasn’t doin’ anything.”

Sonya waves at T.J., walking over to him and kneeling beside him. “How’re you feeling?” T.J. sniffles, “I-I’m okay.” She rubs his back. “Are you ready to talk to Mr. Wolf?”, Snow asks. T.J. nods timidly.

Sonya nods at Bigby, giving him a look to crouch down. He rolls his eyes as he squats down as well. “Are you….okay?” Bigby asked him. T.J. nods but doesn’t say anything. “Go ahead, T.J.”, Sonya rubbed his back. T.J. looks up at the adults and starts explaining.

“I go swimming at night sometimes, in the river….I wasn’t doing anything bad, I promise.”, he exclaimed, fearfully. “Of course you weren’t.” Toad said to his son. “You’re a good kid, T.J. We have no doubts about that.”, Sonya said. “You’re not in trouble. Just tell me what happened.” Bigby said to him.

“I was there…under the big blocks. And I heard noisy feet. And when I hear that, I’m supposed to go underwater and stay real still and quiet.”, T.J repeats his dad’s rule. “That’s right, son.” Toad says, proudly.

T.J. closes his eyes and said. “And then I saw…..I saw the lady….”, he whimpered. “It’s okay, son.”, Toad comforts his son. Bigby raises his hand, trying to comfort the boy, but T.J. cowered away in fear. “Careful, Bigby.”, Toad warned. Bigby looks at him, “I wasn’t…” Sonya placed her other hand on his shoulder and nodded. “I know.”

He sighed and nodded at T.J. to continue. “The lady….fell in….but she didn’t have her head on! I thought….I thought she was gonna pull me down too. ‘Cause she had rocks on her feet. And she kept falling down in the dark parts.”, T.J. said, tearing up again. Sonya frowns and whispered, “Cinderblocks. Tied to her ankles.” Bigby nods, and peered at T.J. “Is there more, T.J.?”, he asked him. T.J. looks up at Bigby and asked. “Is it true….you know when people are lying? I heard you could do that."

Bigby gives him a soft smile. "Yeah, part of my job is being able to tell when people are lying. I’m really good at it. Is there something else you want to say?” T.J. turned to Toad and said, “Please don’t be mad.”

“What’s the matter T.J.?”, Snow asked. “I….I didn’t stay under the water.” T.J. replied. “What?” Toad said, raising his voice. “I know I’m supposed to, but I was scared, and I went to the top again. I couldn’t help it!”, T.J. exclaimed, fearfully. “I gave you very specific rules! You have to stay quiet and out of sight or bad things can happen. I told you!”, Toad shouts at him.

“Leave him alone, Toad.” Bigby warned. “He’s my son! I’ve set boundaries for a reason!” Toad exclaims. “He’s not in trouble, though.”, Sonya said. “The hell he isn’t.”, Toad growls. "Not this time, Toad.“, Bigby said, glaring at Toad. Toad pouts.

"So you didn’t stay underwater….” Sonya resumed. T.J. sniffled softly. “I don’t know….if anyone saw me, but someone said “stop laughing”. And then I was scared and I went under for as long as I could.”

“Wait, you heard someone?”, Bigby asked. "Yes.“ he replied. "Why didn’t you tell us before?” Toad asked him. “I didn’t want to be in trouble.”, T.J. replied. “Did you hear anyone laughing?” Bigby asked. “No.”, T.J. replied and he began to cry. “Were those the same words they used, stop laughing? Try to remember exactly what they said.” Bigby said, calmly.

“They said….they said, stop laughing at me.”, T.J. repeats. “Do you know whose voice it was?”, Bigby asked. “No!”, T.J. exclaimed, sniffing. “Okay, T.J.”, Bigby said, feeling bad. T.J. wipes his eyes. “I’m sorry.”, he whimpered. “After I came up again there was no one there, and I ran home. That’s all. I promise!"

"Okay, you can go.”, Bigby said to him. “Thank you, T.J.” Sonya said, giving T.J. a smile and a hug. "Okay, son. Let’s get you home.“ Toad said to T.J. as he held him. "You did a good job, kid.”, Bigby smiled at T.J.

T.J. looked up at Bigby, giving him a small smile. “Come on, then.” Toad said, walking away with his son. Bigby and Sonya stood. She gave him a smile. “You did good.” He gave her a small smile back. Snow asked, “You guys want to go look at the body, now?”

“Yeah.” Bigby nodded. “Oh my goodness! I almost forgot!”, Bufkin yells and flew over to a box Crane had before and grabs it. “Come on.” Snow said, leading the two to the Witching Well.

[voguingtodanzig]

THE CELESTIAL JUKEBOX, PRESENT TENSE - 250 SONGS

Again, some of this is personal and sentimental, linked to time and place and experience.

50 Cent, “Many Men (Wish Death)”

100 gecs, “800db cloud”

10,000 Maniacs, “Candy Everybody Wants”

Bryan Adams, “Everything I Do”

Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass, “Spanish Flea”

America, “Sister Golden Hair”

Julie Andrews, “My ​​Favorite Things”

Animal Collective, “Brother Sport”

Aphex Twin, “Tha”

Fiona Apple, “Extraordinary Machine”

Louis Armstrong, “What a Wonderful World”

Ash, “Shining Light”

Atlantic Starr, “Always”

Atlas Sound, “Washington School”

Autechre, “Vose In”

The B-52s, “Deadbeat Club”

Bananarama, “Cruel Summer”

The Beatles, “All My Loving”

Beck, “Girl”

Belle & Sebastian, “Seymour Stein”

Benoit & Sergio, “Boy Trouble”

Beyoncé, “Countdown”

Bikini Kill, “Alien She”

Bilal, “West Side Girl”

Bjork, “It’s Oh So Quiet”

Black Dice, “Pigs”

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, “Stop”

The Black-Eyed Peas, “Imma Be”

Blast Off Country Style, “Cutie Pie”

Blondie, “Heart of Glass”

The Bloodhound Gang, “Your Only Friends Are Make-Believe”

The Box Tops, “The Letter”

Brainiac, “I Am A Cracked Machine”

Michelle Branch, “Everywhere”

Laura Branigan, “Gloria”

The Breeders, “Off You”

Danny Brown, “Gremlins”

James Brown, “Get Up I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine”

Jackson Browne, “Somebody’s Baby”

Vanessa Carlton, “A Thousand Miles”

Harry Chapin, “Cat’s in the Cradle”

Tracy Chapman, “Fast Car”

The Carpenters, “Yesterday Once More”

Julian Casablancas and the Voidz, “Human Sadness”

The Chemical Brothers, “Free Yourself”

Chixdiggit!, “My Restaurant”

Cibo Matto, “Sunday, Pt. 1”

Ciara feat. Missy Elliott, “One, Two Step”

Clipse, “Dirty Money”

Jim Croce, “Operator”

Crosby, Stills, and Nash, “You Don’t Have To Cry”

Christopher Cross, “Ride Like the Wind”

Cryptacize, “Mythomania”

Crystal Castles, “Air War”

Culture Club, “Karma Chameleon”

Terrence Trent D’Arby, “Sign Your Name”

Daft Punk, “Around the World”

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich, “Hold Tight”

Dead Kennedys, “Kill the Poor”

DeBarge, “The Rhythm of the Night”

Deerhoof, “+81”

Deerhunter, “Octet”

Depeche Mode, “Personal Jesus”

Dial, “Helium”

The Diplomats, “Dipset Anthem”

DMX, “Stop Being Greedy”

The Doobie Brothers, “Black Water”

Dr. Dre feat. Snoop Dogg, “Nuthin’ But a G Thang”

The-Dream, “Love King”

Duran Duran, “Hungry Like The Wolf”

Bob Dylan, “Positively 4th Street”

The Eagles, “Lyin’ Eyes”

Eat Skull, “Cooking a Way to be Happy”

Elastica, “Connection”

The Everly Brothers, “All I Have to Do is Dream”

The Ben Folds Five, “The Battle of Who Could Care Less”

Eleanor Friedberger, “Stare at the Sun”

Eminem feat. Dido, “Stan”

Brian Eno, “Cindy Tells Me”

Eurythmics, “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)”

Extreme, “More Than Words”

The Fall, “Glam-Racket”

Roberta Flack, “Killing Me Softly With His Song”

Flipper, “Ha Ha Ha”

Dan Fogelberg, “Longer”

The Free Design, “The Proper Ornaments”

Fur, “Devil to the Lamb”

Garbage, “Only Happy When It Rains”

Judy Garland, “Over the Rainbow”

Kevin Gates, “Paper Chasers”

Ghostface Killah, “Shakey Dog”

Freddie Gibbs, “20 Karat Jesus”

Godspeed You! Black Emperor, “The Dead Flag Blues”

Gorillaz feat. De La Soul, “Feel Good Inc.”

Go Sailor, “I’m Still Crying”

Granddaddy, “A.M. 180”

Colleen Green, “I Want to Grow Up”

Green Day, “Basket Case”

Grimes, “REALITi”

Gucci Mane, “Break Ya Self (Brrrussia version)”

Guided By Voices, “Teenage FBI”

Harvey Danger, “Flagpole Sitta”

Helium, “XXX”

Keri Hilson, “Pretty Girl Rock”

Hole, “Malibu”

The Hollies, “All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe”

Michael Jackson, “Rock With You”

Jay-Z, “Hard Knock Life”

Henry Jacobs, “Guitar Lesson”

Jawbreaker, “Fireman”

Jeremih, “Oui”

Jewel, “Standing Still”

Jimmy Eat World, “Sweetness”

Billy Joel, “Uptown Girl”

Scott Joplin, “The Entertainer”

Journey, “Don’t Stop Believin’”

Juelz Santana, “Mixin’ up the Medicine”

R. Kelly feat. T.I. & T-Pain, “I’m a Flirt (Remix)”

Kool and the Gang, “Celebration”

Lana Del Rey, “Off to the Races”

Lagwagon, “May 16”

The Libertines, “Horror Show”

Limp Bizkit, “Re-Arranged”

Lindstrom, “Where You Go I Go Too”

Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam, “Lost in Emotion”

Lit, “My Own Worst Enemy”

The Lonely Island feat. T-Pain, “I’m on a Boat”

Lotus Plaza, “What Grows?”

Lower Dens, “Candy”

Courtney Love, “I’ll Do Anything”

Love As Laughter, “Idol Worship”

M.I.A, “Bamboo Banga”

Madonna, “Hung Up”

Madlib, “Mystic Bounce”

Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks, “Ramp of Death”

The Mamas and the Papas, “California Dreamin’”

John Mayer, “New Light”

Meek Mill, “Dreams and Nightmares Intro”

Men at Work, “Safety Dance”

George Michael, “Faith”

The Modern Lovers, “I’m Straight”

Modest Mouse, “Heart Cooks Brain”

The Moldy Peaches, “Nothing Came Out”

Chris Montez, “The More I See You”

Alanis Morissette, “Head Over Feet”

Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat, “Lucky”

MXPX, “Party, My House, Be There”

My Bloody Valentine, “You Never Should”

Nas, “The World Is Yours”

Johnny Nash, “I Can See Clearly Now”

Neu!, “Hallogallo”

New Order, “Subculture”

New Pornographers, “The Laws Have Changed”

Wayne Newton, “Danke Schoen”

Harry Nilsson, “Jump into the Fire”

Nine Inch Nails, “Wish”

Nirvana, “About a Girl”

The Notorious B.I.G., “Warning”

Maura O’Connell, “Summerfly”

The Orb, “Little Fluffy Clouds”

Panda Bear, “Mr Noah”

Pavement, “Harness Your Hopes (BBC Evening Session)”

Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth, “They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)”

Liz Phair, “Shane”

Pinhead Gunpowder, “I Am An Elephant”

The Platters, “Only You (And You Alone)”

The Pointer Sisters, “Jump”

Michael Praetorius, “Es ist ein Ros entsprungen”

Elvis Presley, “A Little Less Conversation”

Primal Scream, “Keep Your Dreams”

The Prodigy, “Breathe”

Propaghandi, “Anti-Manifesto”

Brian Protheroe, “Pinball”

Psychic Graveyard, “No”

Public Enemy, “Fight The Power”

Aileen Quinn, “Tomorrow”

Radiohead, “A Wolf at the Door”

Gerry Rafferty, “Right Down the Line”

Bonnie Raitt, “Something to Talk About”

The Ramones, “Chain Saw”

Otis Redding, “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay”

Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, “In Motion”

Lou Reed and Metallica, “Junior Dad”

Rihanna feat. Jay-Z, “Umbrella”

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, “Islands in the Stream”

The Rolling Stones, “Sympathy for the Devil”

Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram, “Somewhere Out There”

Rosemary Krust, “Private Amber”

Diana Ross, “Theme From Mahogany”

Roxy Music, “More Than This”

A Savage, “Eyeballs”

The Shangri-Las, “Leader of the Pack”

Shanice, “I Love Your Smile”

Ed Sheeran, “Thinking Out Loud”

Sightings, “Yellow”

The Silver Jews, “Blue Arrangements”

Alan Silvestri, “The Back to the Future theme”

Paul Simon, “Kodachrome”

Ashlee Simpson, “Pieces of Me”

Slade, “Cum On Feel the Noize”

The Smashing Pumpkins, “Here’s to the Atom Bomb (New Wave version)”

The Soft Pink Truth, “Do They Owe Us A Living?”

Sonic Youth, “Jams Run Free”

Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown, “No Air”

Spoon, “The Mystery Zone”

Starving Weirdos, “Land Lines”

Stereolab, “Plastic Mile”

The Strokes, “12:51”

Swell Maps, “Let’s Build A Car”

Taylor Swift, “Style”

Stylophonic, “R U Experienced”

Jazmine Sullivan, “Mascara”

Suicidal Tendencies, “Institutionalized”

Taco, “Puttin’ on the Ritz”

James Taylor, “You’ve Got a Friend”

Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”

Throwing Muses, “Not Too Soon”

TLC, “Baby-Baby-Baby”

Tortoise, “Djed”

The Toys, “A Lover’s Concerto”

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, “Summer Nights”

A Tribe Called Quest, “Can I Kick It?”

UB40, “Red Red Wine”

Joe Walsh, “Life’s Been Good”

Scott Weiland, “Paralysis”

Steely Dan, “Do It Again”

Stiff Little Fingers, “Suspect Device”

Stylophonic, “RU Experienced?”

T.I., “What You Know”

Mary Timony, “Blood Tree”

that dog., “I’m Gonna See You”

The Tymes, “So Much In Love”

Ultimate Painting, “Out in the Cold”

The Unicorns, “Child Star”

The Velvet Underground, “The Gift”

Waka Flocka Flame, “Hard in da Paint”

Ween, “Even If You Don’t”

Weezer, “Endless Bummer”

Kanye West, “Devil in a New Dress (G.O.O.D. Fridays version)”

WHAM!, “Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)”

White Hassle, “Oh, What a Feeling”

Matthew Wilder, “Break My Stride”

Bill Withers, “Lean on Me”

Wolf Eyes, “Human Animal”

Stevie Wonder, “My Cherie Amour”

Wye Oak, “Siamese”

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, “Maps”

Yo La Tengo, “My Heart’s Reflection”

Zaimph, “Removing Bits of History”

The Zombies, “Time of the Season”

[thatoneitaliangirl]

Obey Me! Soulmate AU Asmodeus

Asmodeus’s chapter was the whole reason I even started this whole series. I had the idea for his in my head and was like, “I can’t write one and not the others.” lol. Of course, it took me forever to get this part out because of personal reasons, but in the end, I think it came out pretty good! I hope you guys like this part and I look forward to hearing your responses!~ And just as a reminder, these are all going to be multiple parts each, so if it seems like it left off at a cliff hanger, it did lol. Also, there's a song mentioned in here called Sandra Dee, and its a song from the musical Grease. You don’t have to know the song or the tune since its just a little thing, but if you want to hear it, please check it out! Its a fun song to bop too lol. 

Opening Paragraph 

Asmodeus was fine with how his life was going. Party all the time, all the men and women he could want; there wasn't a thing he was missing. But even so, he was probably the most eager of his siblings to find their soulmates. He could only imagine what they would be like! 

Stunningly beautiful, very well experienced, willing to do . . . All sorts of naughty things. His mouth was practically salivating at the twisted little fantasies going through his head. And even though he doesn't think he's very capable of love, he doesn't care! 

I mean, the one night stands are fine and all, but who was he to complain if he were to come home from a night of partying to a nice piece of ass willing to grant him his second wind. Well, this is Asmo we're talking about, so more like his eighth wind. But all the money, sex, drugs, and nightclubs in the Devildom could not have prepared him for this . . . 

Taking the glittering key from his 'older' brother, Asmodeus smiles and places the key into the hole . . . Only to imagine a school setting. Unlike where they had found their adorable exchange student, this school was smaller in size, with only one building.

Entering through the door, Asmodeus smirks. Of course, his s/o would be prowling around a college campus! This is where most sex and partying goes on in the human world. "Maybe they're a lab rat!" Levi says, lolol-ing afterward. "Or like some smart know-it-all like Satan!" Mammon joins. Clearly, the two think they're funny.

"And what does that matter to you? I always wanted a sexy scientist." The brothers blush and try to rephrase themselves. Imagine that! They thought they could fluster Asmo? How long have they been brothers? Even back in the Celestial Realm, their comments were never able to bother him.

 And a few millennia of being a hoe, you learn to ignore others' opinions of you. It's not as if he's ashamed of it; he's the Avatar of Lust for fuck's sake! It's just that, deep down, he has those little insecurities. The ones that tell him he's not worthy of love. 

That his reputation makes him disgusting, unappealing, and dirty. He's been able to push those way down into the depths of the Devildom, but all this has made them resurface. A little bit. 

"I wonder what they're wearing? Maybe a little cleavage? Oh, I hope so!~" As the brothers follow Asmo through the school, they all have the feeling things aren't going to go the way Asmo thinks they are. Lucifer especially isn't too confidant there's a human or being out there that could satisfy the pure lust Asmo has. 

Though it's not shown often, these sins are like a curse to the brothers. Similar to Beel not being able to stop the hunger, Asmo can't stop the lust. And despite all the shit they give Mammon, they know he can't stop the greed. Though for some of them, they've been able to push it down and control it, a few of them physically can't survive without their sin.

Again, Beel is a perfect example. This poor human is going to have to spend their life attempting to satisfy every need of Asmo's. "I think a left here . . . Oh! This door feels right!~" With dramatic flair, Asmodeus opens the door.

Hello! Welcome to the Wetbord College Art room! How can we help you?" A girl with long blond hair and sparkling eyes greets the boys. One look at her and Asmo can tell that she's not the one. Not that she's not attractive. Any normal day, he would have her charmed, naked, and on his bed in a matter of seconds. With nimble fingers, Asmo lifts the girl's hand into his and kisses the top. 

"Hello, darling. We're looking for a girl, about your age," She giggles and smirks. "If that's how you pick up girls, then I'd hate to see your track record. Though, with a little more smooth talk, you may have my attention." 

Asmo smirks, hiding his irritation. As if he would ever have to try. If he really wanted to, he could have her begging for him to fuck her while he held her by that pretty blond hair of hers, but this is not the time, nor place. "Actually, I'm serious. Her name is _____, I believe." Her smirk drops as Asmo lets go of her hand, and she pouts. 

"Fine, if you really want to know where she is, she'll be here in a few minutes." A blue-haired girl wearing a pair of sorts and a paint-covered apron joins the conversation and puts in her two cents. "If you don't mind me asking, why do you want to see _____?" Asmodeus smiles and puts a hand on his hip. 

"If you really want to know, darling, I'm going to fulfill her every sexual desire tonight. Wanna join?~" His eyes glow with anticipation. Obviously, these girls have the hots for him; who wouldn't? He's absolutely gorgeous and- His smile turns to a frown as the two girls begin to laugh loudly. One even has tears falling from her eyes as the other clutches her stomach. 

"Sexual desires? Oh my God, I think I'm gonna pee myself!" The blond one says, hand resting on the blue-haired girl's shoulder. "And why is that such a joke to you? I'm sure she has a reputation." He says with certainty, though he doesn't actually know. He's just assuming based on his own preferences. Was that wrong?

Again, the girls begin laughing, this time whipping the tears from their eyes as they look at the seven brothers, all of whom are confused. "Let's just say, there's a reason everyone around town calls her Sandra Dee." They snicker at the nickname as Asmo raises an eyebrow.

"Who?" The blond one flairs out her skirt and dramatically batts her eyelashes before she begins to sing. "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee-" Blue puts a hand on her hip and leans on blondy. "Lousy with virginity!~" Blondy holds out her left hand and wiggles her ring finger.

"Won't go to bed till I'm legally wed- I can't! I'm Sandra Dee!~" The two begin laughing again, much to Asmodeus' displeasure. Seriously, they sound like a band of cackling hyenas! "Are you guys making fun of me . . . ?" A meek and soft voice from beside them asks, the figure clutching a sketchbook.

"Oh, please, _____! Don't act as if we're bullying you." "Yeah," Blue buts in. "It's just a cute nickname." _____, face hidden behind her hair, turns around and walks out as the girls giggle to themselves. "Well, it bothers me . . ." Belphegor hears her whisper. It seems he's the only one to hear her since he's the closest to the door.

"Aren't you going to go after her?" Belphie asks Asmo, but stops short when he sees the look on his face . . . He seems shocked for the most part. His eyes are cast downward and his mouth is open just a few centimeters, with his eyebrows furrowed together. The world seems to sway around him as he tries to come to terms with what just happened. 

What kind of sick joke was their father playing on them? All his brothers so far had wonderful soulmates with personalities that seemed to fit them perfectly. So then why did Asmodeus have to suffer like this? He's the former Jewel of the Heavens! Doesn't he deserve the best? "Asmodeus?" Lucifer puts a hand on his shoulder, bringing him back to reality. "I think it's best if I go home for now . . ."

[notchainedtotrauma]

your thoughts on film? you may have shared previously but I'm curious for a description/explanation of your taste in film :)

I have never really shared my thoughts on film or/and television/streaming so it’s actually going to be a new subject to expand on. Honestly, of all the content I consume, the field where my tastes start to loosen up in terms of coherence and consistency is cinema. And it’s because I have a huge emotional reaction to visual content revolving around a plot, insofar as I had to, for example, watch the scene where (Moonlight spoilers ahead) Chiron gets hit by Kevin (Moonlight spoilers ended) about five times, each time going a little bit further.

Because I react so strongly to uncomfortable moments, whether they be sad, rageful, or embarrassing, I tend to fragment films and so a lot of my viewing experience will be a collection of visuals moments rather than a linear plot. That’s also why I have a whole Patreon feature dedicated to writing about short visual gestures. 

That also means I don’t have a neat, easy to identify taste in films, but what I know is that I adore (even painfully sometimes) films that deal with and represent intimacy, and I don’t mind watching intimacy between white people but it doesn’t move me quite like intimacy between non Black people of color and Black people. I’ve also developed a very niche taste for blaxploitation films about pimps, and as a civilian, I have very complicated feelings about that. I’m absolutely disgusted by the way those men treat the sex workers that work for them but still sucked in by the pageantry of Black male posturing.

If   @surra-de-bunda knows of any films about Black sex workers centering sex workers, because I actually like them as well and yeah I actually like The Players Club. Right now, my absolute favorite is Moonlight as indicated by the fact that it’s the film at the center of most of my lyric posts, but I might explore a little bit of what  Dee Rees has to offer with Bessie (I have seen stills of Mudbound, and in this economy and ecology, as in with white supremacists being as bold as they are, no). So yeah, this was my rambling on film.

[badnewtattoo]

Controversial opinion: the way chardee was killed tonight is stupid and unrealistic + it was done purely because the writers wanted to explore harassment perpetrated by a woman and they used CD as the sacrificial lamb since they don't plan on developing it further. Also it will never be mentioned again. Also i hate it.

*this hasn’t been proofread*

ok i have two working theories/opinions on chardee this episode right now.

i, first off, get what you’re saying about it being kind of jarring because that’s how i felt when i first watched it. from one angle it seemed to me that charlie (day) was playing this scene as though maybe charlie (kelly) was just saying that as retaliation/keeping in tone with what dee was doing this whole episode. she spent time implicating the men around her (see: mac) because she found out she was able to. upon my first viewing it felt, to me, like charlie was purposefully making dee look bad by using their situation and blowing it out of proportion to make himself the victim, again, as dee did this entire episode. what also points what charlie said about how dee treated him to being untrue is that throwaway line in ptsdee. in ptsdee dennis says having sex with dee (a bird or whatever) isn’t real trauma to which charlie replies “it isn’t even that bad” take that as you may. ok so that was how i first viewed it. however, alternatively, maybe it really was… bad?

charlie kelly’s been widely viewed as asexual and whether or not you agree with that, there’s a very large amount of evidence to support him not being comfortable with sex generally. combining that with dee, who has her own methods of manipulation towards men which parallel dennis’ treatment of women, it makes sense. that combined with charlie’s line near the end of dennis’ double life where he asks dee not to have sex with him (again) and within the contexts i just spoke about (the character’s histories of prominent viewings of sex and histories of skewed understandings of relationships etc) under those lenses it doesn’t seem, to me, at all out of character and actually is a good way of calling out dee and female sexual predators in general because among the fan base and on the show itself dee’s problematic behaviours in relationships are severely ignored. is she as bad as dennis with the whole dungeon bedroom? no. but she, from my understanding, has admitted to emotionally berating guys (like ben the solider). it works in getting across their point of sexual harassment by women because dee is just as bad as the rest of them in that matter (and in most matters). if anything i think the call out about mac was more of a reach because we’ve only seen him act as described with dennis, though i guess he objectifies hot dudes in general. sidenote: really glad they talked about charlie and the waitress bcz some people still feel bad for him and not her because he’s, as dennis said, a romantic. thank god that’s been called out. anyways. i get your opinion and it felt extreme/jarring but it made sense when taking in all the character’s backstory. i guess. and yeah i agree this’ll never come up again because charlie and dee slept together in season 10 and that never came up until now. it’s not a show that cares about storyline or growth but does care about continuity, though they seem to be experimenting with that.

these are my #thoughts

[adorkabell]

1. Ask me anything!

2. what would you name your future kids?

Iris, William Warren, Lucy … don’t get me started 😂

3. do you miss anyone? Doogan & my dad.

4. what are you looking forward to? A vacation 😂

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? My besties and my fella 🙂

6. is it hard for you to get over someone? Once I decide it’s over, it’s pretty well over. Ngl my first love was the hardest.

7. what was your life like last year? … pass. Lol

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? Usually with myself or my pets (potty training is so hard though!)

9. who did you last see in person? My mom?

10. are you good at hiding your feelings? Heart on sleeve lol

11. are you listening to music right now? Not exactly?

12. what is something you want right now? For chocolate to be sugar free and provide all my daily vitamins. 😂

13. how do you feel right now? Content 😊

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? Yesterday 🥰

15. personality description … quirky

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t? Uh. I work loosely with the public, so YES. On a more intimate level, also yes.

17. opinion on insecurities. I have them? I don’t understand the question. They suck.

18. do you miss how things were a year ago? Uh. Let me check. No job. Broke up with my fiancé’s. Dreams of having a baby and owning a home … demolished. No. Nope. Not a ducking bit.

19. have you ever been to New York? State? Yes. NYC no.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment? Uh … the Cave, Mumford and Sons. 🤷🏻‍♀️

21. age and birthday? 37/May 3rd

22. description of crush … amazing? Hella smart. Sweet. Handsome. Loving. Kind. Made for me.

23. fear(s) … if I told you, you could use them against me. Put simply, white, cis-het men.

24. height … 5’8”

25. role model … I don’t have one? Maybe my besties. I really admire the women in my life.

26. idol(s) hmm. Mulder and Scully

27. things i hate … poop. Blatant ignorance.

28. i’ll love you if… you … love me? 🤷🏻‍♀️

29. favourite film(s) … Cool Runnings, Gone in 60 Seconds, Harry Potter (yes, I know, JKR is a shit human 🤷🏻‍♀️), Center Stage … etc.

30. favourite tv show(s) … the X-Files, Doctor Who … lots of good television out there tbh.

31. 3 random facts … I like to color, I like chicken nuggies, I live with my mom? 🤷🏻‍♀️

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? They’re Mainly people.

33. something you want to learn … ohhh so much to learn! Maybe astronomy.

34. most embarrassing moment … you tell me, everyone has a Dee story 😂😂😂

35. favourite subject … me. 🤣 jk. Literature or poetry.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? Travel! Owning a home. Horseback riding.

37. favourite actor/actress … yeah. Brad Pitt? Idk tbh. 🤷🏻‍♀️

38. favourite comedian(s) … Fluffy? 🤷🏻‍♀️

39. favourite sport(s) … hockey & figure skating

40. favourite memory … geez, idk. Pick one for me and leave it in the comments lol.

41. relationship status 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

42. favourite book(s) … the Phantom Tollbooth, Harry Potter, the 5th Season, that Patrick Rothfuss book that I can’t remember rn.

43. favourite song ever … ever?! Um. ANYTHING EXCEPT PACABEL’s CANON and Africa.

44. age you get mistaken for … 20s?

45. how you found out about your idol … I was a weird kid obsessed with horror and the paranormal?

46. what my last text message says … Interesting

47. turn ons … good conversation … eye contact

48. turn offs … poor manners, rude behavior

49. where i want to be right now … with you 😉

50. favourite picture of your idol … ??? Just Google David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson for yourself 😂

51. starsign … Taurus

52. something i’m talented at … nothing appropriate 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

53. 5 things that make me happy … puppies, kitties, rainbows, unicorns, cupcakes.

54. something thats worrying me at the moment … money.

55. tumblr friends … that explains this weird quiz. I have a few. 🤷🏻‍♀️

56. favourite food(s) SOUP. Pizza!!! Pasketti!!!

57. favourite animal(s) dogs, cats, horses.

58. description of my best friend … I have a few. They are all beautiful and wonderful and kind and patient and just fucking amazing.

59. why i joined tumblr … Michelle told me too when we first met lol.

60. ask me anything you want … if you need to, DM me.

[dustedmagazine]

Punk’d History: A Series

Photo by Leni Sinclair

This is the first installment in a series of reflections on punk’s emergence and formation, with emphases on American culture and the fraught relations between history and art. Don’t look for chronology or conventional essayistic coherence. History isn’t chronological, and it’s never coherent. It’s by turns tedious and violent. It accumulates in a residue that we can find in ashcans and in the dark corners of wrecked, abandoned buildings.

In those ways, history is sort of punk.

Three Punk’d Moments, 1966-1969

When does punk begin? The canonical account of its origin starts with the Sex Pistols, and there’s good reason for that, if we consider punk to be a pop cultural phenomenon. We might point to the band’s 1 December 1976 appearance on the Bill Grundy Show, which produced two crucial effects: it launched the Pistols and punk into mass cultural awareness, and it presaged Glenn Matlock’s banishment from the band, opening the way for Sid Vicious and his swastika t-shirts, his fashion-victim sneer and his blank caricature of outrage.  

I’d like to supply a different beginning: the beginning of a counternarrative, to supplement and to question the canonical outline. I won’t write about any punks, if by “punk” we mean Dee Dee Ramone or Cheetah Chrome or Penelope Houston. I write about three moments that set something in motion, that began to assemble a disposition—even better, three moments that began to prepare a space into which Dee Dee and Cheetah and Penelope could eventually step. We might think of that space as a stage. Not at CBGB or Mabuhay Gardens. It’s a historical stage, a punk’d space of transformation. We might start here:  

Bob Dylan in Manchester, 17 May 1966

Blonde on Blonde had been released the day before. The album featured Dylan’s most unambiguously American music to date, an idiosyncratic amalgam of country and blues and rock, mostly recorded in Nashville with experienced session men like Charlie McCoy and Kenny Buttrey. But that day in May, Dylan found himself in Northern England, in a city whose biggest rock acts to date were the poppy Herman’s Hermits and the polished, melodic Hollies. Sound, sensibility, and landscape were at odds. If the location didn’t fit, the dissonance surely did. Dylan’s 1966 UK tour is infamous for its intense confrontations between artist and audience. The shows featured an electric second set, with Dylan backed by the Hawks, soon to become more recognizable as the Band. Many ardent listeners of Dylan’s early-1960s records considered his turn to electrical music a sort of apostasy: a rejection of the political austerity and aesthetic purity of folk music, a cynical turn to rock’s populist and unabashedly commercial interests. And many of those listeners waited for him in Manchester. 

In the electric set, whistles, boos and shouting erupted between songs. Dylan baited them. Before playing “I Don’t Believe You,” familiar (if not sacred) to the crowd in its acoustic presentation on Another Side of Bob Dylan, he drawled pranksomely, “It used to go like that, and now it goes like this.” Aggressive energy filled the room. “Ballad of a Thin Man” seemed to address the detractors directly: “Yeah, something’s happening / But you don’t know what it is / Do you, Mr. Jones?” Perhaps sensing the put-down, the audience turned nasty.

Ironies proliferate here—who’s betraying what? Who’s speaking truth? The key moment is in Dylan’s snarl: “Play fucking loud!” Sheer volume negates the critical voices—even stomping and clapping and whistling can’t be heard over the band’s cacophony. Noise gets weaponized, and Dylan’s obscenity inflects it with malign intent. The cancellation of folky decorum establishes a profane space for, of all things, play. Which is to say: there are no stabilities there. What values can dominate in that space? Does it matter that “Like a Rolling Stone” charted for twelve weeks? That it was and is Dylan’s most commercially successful single? Is it his best song? By what measure? Is it the soundtrack to the mid-1960s, culturally and politically adrift? Whose 1960s? And who fucking cares, when the music is pummeling and slashing at you with such abandon? Who cares what the audience wants or expects? Plug in. Give a nasty smile. Play fucking loud. 

 MC5 in Chicago, 25 August 1968

The Yippies booked a bunch of bands to play the Festival of Life, one of many events planned to coincide with (and to parody and disrupt) the Democratic National Convention in Chicago. The MC5 were the only act that ignored the months of accumulating warnings from politicians and the threats of police violence and actually showed up for the festival in Lincoln Park. It wasn’t just cops surrounding and circulating that day through the crowd of SDS kids and Black Panthers and beatnik anarchists and MOBE organizers and others just looking to party or gawk. The FBI was there, too, and so was a unit of the Army’s Special Photographic Office (DASPO CONUS, to be precise: Department of the Army Special Photographic Office, Continental United States). The DASPO team shot some footage that day:

It’s uncanny. The silence of the footage deafens, especially given the MC5’s reputation as an overwhelmingly loud live act. The visual markers are all there: Rob Tyner’s blow-out fro waving in the wind, Wayne Kramer’s shimmy and shake, Fred Smith’s red leather pants. You can just about conjure the chords of “Rambling Rose” or “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World,” maybe even “American Ruse” or “The Human Being Lawnmower.” In the footage’s silence, you can imagine what you want. Do you want to rock out, or do you want politics? The Five wanted to play.  

All we have are the images. Cops in riot helmets sit on picnic benches, watching the crowd gather. Most of the crowd sits. They have short hair, they wear button-down shirts. The political kids of 1968 weren’t hippies—hippies were never political. A couple near the front dances, enjoying the groove, the mild afternoon. It’s not a Chicago August scorcher. There are lots of jackets and light sweaters. All the heat and darkness and violence come later, around 11 pm that night, when the cops would form a skirmish line and clear the park. Clark Street and the surrounding area got bloodied, building toward the Battle of Michigan Avenue a few nights later. The whole world would watch.

But on the afternoon of the 25th, the MC5 grinned at the cops and cut through the bad vibes and plugged in their guitars. John Sinclair was still managing the band, but only for a few more months. They were already chafing under his White Panther jive and his 10-point plan for “rock’n’roll, dope, and fucking in the streets.” The Five were down with all that, but not as a politics. They covered Sun Ra in their live sets, but after the 1967 Detroit race riots, they’d split to Ann Arbor. The riots were scary. Ann Arbor was crawling with college girls. What would you do? What about it, punk? Do you feel lucky?  

Faces in the crowd, Altamont Speedway, 6 December 1969

Five minutes into the Stones’ rendition of “Sympathy for the Devil,” we see her:

She’s a soft-bodied white woman, naked. She’s obviously, floridly, desperately high. She’s crawling and clawing through the crowd, trying to get somewhere. To Jagger? Onto the stage? Can she schematize the concept of “stage”? In her drugged state, it’s unclear if she understands where she is, let alone what she is. Her sharp features morph, from blank emptiness, to a sort of hilarity, to flashes of determination. She’s nearly there. She slaps a hand on the blonde head of some guy at the very front, getting some leverage. Then two Angels move in, and she disappears under the broad expanses of their black and red leather colors. We don’t see her again.

The Stones are nearly halfway through the song. They’ve already stopped once, Mick imploring and scolding the crowd, “Brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters… Everybody just cool out!” Too much acid, too much beer, too many Hell’s Angels and freaks and sweaty kids just wanting to see Mick. There he is, in that black and red jester’s suit. He dances and he insists. They will finish the song—though who knows what they’re hoping to conjure with its sinister shuffle.

Another face: A young man, stage right. He’s lightly bearded, shaggy headed, wearing an Irish driver cap with its beak turned to the back. Mick Taylor’s solo is struggling to find itself. The whole band is in a sort of holding pattern. Jagger boogies stage right and suddenly stops. He sees something. More violence? The kid in the driver cap sees it, too, and then turns back to Jagger. It’s a remarkable moment. The kid shakes his head, but the most striking thing is the look in his eyes. He sees Jagger. He fixes Jagger with the look, razoring out at the biggest rock star in the world. He might be five feet away, at most. He sees Jagger, and there’s contempt. The look’s meaning is clear: What the fuck are you doing? Jagger can’t take it. He breaks into a moronic funky chicken and whirls away, stage left.  

A last face: A young woman, dirty blonde hair and pretty, enormous eyes. The band is cooling its way into Jagger’s vocal patter (“Ah, get on down…Ev’rybody’s got to cool out”) that intersperses Taylor’s usual two solos. “Everybody just cool out.” The young woman is weeping. Her head nods to Watts’s irresistible work on the snare. But the nod’s affirmation is ambiguous, and her tears glimmer in the stage lights. Her lips are rouged. They tremble. Her enormous eyes are empty of anything save sadness. The song runs out, stopping, failing.  

What do we see? What do we hear?  

Altamont is often figured as a sort of counterweight to Woodstock. If Woodstock was the counterculture’s dream of itself, Altamont was its nightmare, and it signaled the symbolic beginning of the end of the 1960s. The historical end point came a few years down the line, in 1974 and the failure of Vietnamization, and six-hour-long gas lines and Nixon’s resignation. Cheetah Chrome was still Gene O’Connor in 1974, gigging in Cleveland with Rocket from the Tombs. Dee Dee had become Dee Dee, but just barely, and Penelope Houston was still in college in Washington state. If something ended at Altamont, something had yet to cohere in New York and San Francisco. A change was afoot.  

I contend that we can already hear the strains of that change in Dylan’s snarled imprecation to the Hawks. The Manchester audience’s shouted protestations may have been sanctimonious—a hyperbolic consequence of a silly political over-investment in a performer. But they had been schooled in a particular way of interpreting song, that lyrics should mean something, that the relation between word and world should be transparent, and that if the right spell were spoken, the world could be changed. Dylan gave them a curse, and if anything was authentically present in that room, it was the raw shriek and hum of volume.  

These three moments clearly demonstrate increasingly anxious relations between rock music and historical forces, and they suggest an emergent set of transformations. The countercultures of the 1960s were largely driven by utopian ambitions: total peace, total transcendence, total social overthrow. The music partook of those energies, expressed them, grooved with them. Their crushing failure left a lot of wreckage, burned cityscapes, shattered minds, broken bodies. If you look closely, you can see some figures picking through the ruins. They’re crusty and dirty. They’re pissed, and they know the moment for utopian social engineering is gone. They aren’t heroes or crusaders or champions of causes. They’re just a bunch of punks.  

Jonathan Shaw

[i-found-your-shoe]

Where My Demons Hide - Part 1

[Sam Winchester, Reader, Dean Winchester; Eventual Sam x Reader]

Your father's words reverberated in your head when two men clad in flannel burst in your front door. =Get out now. You have fifteen minutes. I packed you a bag. There's a bomb.=

“There's a bomb.” you repeated, juggling a large box under one arm and a suitcase in the other.

“What? Where?” The taller one asked, slightly taken aback by your accent.

“I - I don't know.”

Tall, Dark, and Flannel’s eyes widened at the image of your father on the floor behind you, ripped to pieces.

You looked nervous. “I didn't do it,” you stuttered.

Short, Hot, and Leather looked you over, probably looking for blood. “C’mon, Sammy, grab that box.”

Oh, thank the gods. They believed you.

The tall one took the box from you and Leather took the suitcase. You reached for a backpack by the door. “Fuck. My dog.” How much time did you have? How long had it been since he said you had fifteen minutes?

“Get out!” You yelled. “I'll be there. I - I'll be there.”

Slinging your backpack over your shoulder, you ran for the backyard to grab your 5 pound ball of fluff. How much time do you have?

You grabbed up the silly mutt and booked it for the front door. You grabbed his leash hanging by the door and clipped it on his collar, making it out in the nick of time. As you made it down the front steps, you barely heard the explosion. It threw you to the ground and you curled around the dog as you fell.

As you rolled onto your back, you watched as your house went up in flames. The strange men couldn't decide whether to look at you or the house.

Standing up, and straightening yourself out, you sat your Pomeranian, Grimm, down and made your way to the black car in your driveway.

You stared at the men and they stared back.

“What the fuck is going on?” you said, at the same time as Tall, Dark, and Flannel - Sammy, was it? - did.

“You're the ones that busted into my house!” You yelled.

“And you're the one with a fucking bomb in the basement!” The shorter one yelled back. “We didn't sign up for getting blown to bits by a freakin’ bomb.”

“You think I did?! Bloody hell. I go to the grocery and come back, my dad tells me I have bags packed and fifteen minutes to get out. And then you, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum here, burst in my house!”

“Shut up! Both of you.” Sammy cocked his head. “Sirens.”

“Shite.”

He reached out his hand. “Give me your bag. When the police get here, tell them you were out walking the dog and came back as the house blew. I'm Agent Collins, this is Agent Banks. We're here investigating a few other murders. And we happened to be driving by and saw the fire.”

“The ones where they were ripped to pieces… like my family.” You raised an eyebrow. “You don't look like agents.”

‘Agent Banks’ chuckled. “Well, sweetheart, we're not exactly your friendly, neighborhood FBI agents.”

“He-”, you said, pointing at ‘Agent Collins’, “seems pretty friendly. You, on the other hand, just got pissed on by my dog.”

The man looked down at his boot and made a disgusted face. He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a police car and firetruck pulling up in front of the house.

After what seemed like ages of questioning, you were released into the hands of the agents, who promised to find you a hotel room for the night. As you pulled out of the driveway in their black, vintage car, you sighed.

“Is this where you kidnap me now? I'm just gonna let you know now, I am too skittish for sex trafficking. Just put me out of my misery.”

“What? No. We actually have a motel room a few miles away. I think the room next to us is still empty.” Agent Collins shook his head.

“Ah, The Bates Motel.” you laughed. “You'd think the FBI would put their Most Valuable Agents in a decent hotel.”

“I'm sorry. The Bates Motel?” Agent Banks twisted his head around to look at you.

“Eyes on the road, mate. It's just local…mythology? Legend? Just like every state has a Crybaby Bridge.. We have a Bates Motel. Nothing bad or murdery has ever actually been confirmed happening there. It's just… The creepy motel off the highway.”

“Right. Okay, then.”

“So, you gonna tell me who you really are now?” You reached over and absent-mindedly petted Grimm.

Tall, Dark, and Flannel laughed. “I'm Sam, this is Dean. Winchester. We're not agents.”

“I surmised as much. The lack of government vehicle and the lies to the police tipped me off. So, why are you here investigating invisible murderers?”

“It's kind of what we do. We're.. Hunters of sorts.”

Dean - Short, Hot, and Leather - pulled into the motel parking lot and grunted. “I'll go check on the room.”

Sam - Tall, Dark, and Flannel - cocked his head towards a room door. “Come on in. I'll explain more.”

You followed him into the motel room and took a seat at the table. “Hunters. Of what exactly?”

“Monsters. Of the legend variety.”

“So, the boogeyman ripped my family to shreds. Nice.”

Sam let out a chuckle. “Not quite. This may sound odd, but-”

“More odd than ‘the boogeyman murdered my family’? I doubt it.”

A small smile crept up on his face. “Did your parents ever mention… selling their souls?”

Your face fell. “Um.. How did- once. A long time ago.”

“About ten years ago?”

You paused while you thought back. “Yeah.. Maybe. Over Christmas holiday.. My 2nd year of uni. I thought my father was making a joke.”

“They were attacked by Hellhounds, (y/n).” came a voice from the doorway. “They sold their souls to a Demon and he came to collect.” Dean stated as he walked in.

“But why? Why would they do that?”

“Lots of reasons. Success, money… Who knows, really.”

Your brow furrowed. “That.. Actually makes sense. My father is - was.. A pediatric surgeon. A good one. We moved here from London when I was 13 because he had a great job offer. But around that time, he was afraid of losing his job.. And my mother.. Her business wasn't doing well. My brothers, God they were a mess. Getting arrested, ditching school.. And then everything changed.”

“I'm sorry, (y/n).” Sam placed his hand on your knee. “I'm really sorry for your loss. We didn't have good info or we would have been there sooner.”

“Nothing we could have done, Sammy. Don't sugarcoat it.” Dean sat down next to you and handed you a glass of whiskey. “Do you have anywhere to go?”

“Nope. My father blew my house to smithereens, remember?” you replied, taking a long drink. “I need a moment, if you don't mind.”

Sam nodded and you straightened your leather jacket before walking out to the parking lot.

You leaned against the Impala and lit a cigarette, letting out a long exhale as Sam walked out.

“You don't comfort grieving family often, I take it.”

There was that chuckle again. Sam shoved his hands into his pockets. “Not a lot, no. Mostly interrogation.”

“I can tell.” you nodded your head towards the motel room. “He's a bit rough about the edges.”

“You're preaching to the choir.” Sam shrugged. “The room next door was free.” he handed you the key. “Need any help with your stuff?”

“No.. I think I'm okay.” you dropped your cigarette on the ground and stamped it out with the toe of your boot. Sam stood there a little awkwardly. You could tell he wanted to help you. “Uh.. Bring my dog over?”

Another small grin. “I can do that.”

You went your separate ways, lugging your suitcase and the mystery box into your motel room. Part of you wanted to go through the box. What had your father deemed important enough for you to take? The other part of you wanted to collapse on the bed and sleep for eternity.

In the end, the latter part won, and you curled up under the scratchy motel blanket to wait on Sam. You'd be okay waiting, you thought.

But you weren't okay.

You weren't okay at all.

You awoke to Sam holding tight to your wrists. You must have been screaming. Your throat hurt and your face was damp. Where were you? You shook your head and focused your eyes. You were under the counter next to the bathroom. The pipe leading from the sink to the wall was pressed against your cheek.

“(Y/N)!” Sam gasped as you inhales sharply. “(Y/N). You were having a nightmare.”

You fell against Sam's chest and let out a sob. “They're gone.” was all you could manage to say.

[thefemmedisaster]

“Millennial Homophobia”

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on discourse lately (esp the bad sides of aro/ace discourse and straight people calling themselves “queer” when they’re just straight with an asterisk for “read further to see why I’m a shitty person”). And frankly the thing I think that we need to acknowledge is that so much of it is homophobia but these people who perpetuate it say they’re not homophobic because “i love gay people! I keep up with discourse! I’m not like those homophobic preachers/politicians/insert figure here.”

I’m just going to call these people “Millennial Homophobes” because frankly... they’re homophobic but it’s reached such an insidious level that we don’t call it for what it is anymore.

Like let’s take the Bad Side of AroAce discourse who call us “allosexual” and claim we’re oppressing them by expressing that we have a sexuality. Somehow we’re being the bad ones in the situation for expressing “yeah I’m attracted to this person who is of the same gender”. By calling us allosexual, by insisting that we have a privilege and therefore should monitor ourselves and not ruin this G-rated vision of us, it’s an active censorship of our identity (I also want to point out that this criticism that is hurled is usually against LGBT+ individuals, esp when it’s in regard to the same gender). It’s not hard to draw comparisons to such memorable lines such as “I don’t hate gay people but like... keep that to yourself” or the favorite religious/conservative line “love the sinner, hate the sin”. It exists in that logic, that we have to suppress the public knowing to whom we are attracted. It’s not like we tell straight people the intricacies of our sex lives (unless they’re close associates and that’s a different thing), but this results from something as simple as one saying “I find _______ to be hot”.

Then lets take the recent phenomena of straight people trying to assert that they are “queer” because of honestly bullshit reasons. The one that really comes to mind is the woman who was like “i’m queer because I date cis men AAAAAAAAAAND trans men whoop dee doo”. That term is a slur, plain and simple, and people who have experienced immense trauma due to that term are allowed to reclaim it. And that woman doesn’t fit that label. I also think of straight girls calling themselves “femmes”, straight people insisting their fetishes and kinks make them “queer”, and straight men going into gay bars to pick up straight women. We get trampled on in this process. Our needs aren’t acknowledged, but rather we are put at the mercy of others. And the thing that is so insidious about these parts of homophobia (with the exception of the last example), is that they are veiled under a label of “wokeness” and because you use a couple of buzzwords and some HuffPo-level logic, you’re exempt from criticism? Fuck no. Just because you disguise your opportunistic self to seem The Most Woke doesn’t make you a person with true sympathies with the LGBT+ community- it just makes you pathetic and sad and show that you, like the men who creep on lesbian couples, like the straight women who use gay men solely as shopping partners, and like those who make us the heels of so many jokes; only think of us as pawns for your hare-brained schemes and performance art that should be labelled “I’m a Closet Homophobe But Don’t Want People to Think I’m Not Progressive So Let’s Add Some Bullshit”.

Obviously there are more examples of this but frankly I’m tired rn and I may add on later but... fuck this noise. I’ve been really fucking tired of this and I just wanted to get it out there.

[arplis]

Arplis - News: Your Comprehensive Guide to Online Dating Slang

Internet Dating Slang Terms You Need to Know in 2020

Though we're still meeting in bars and going to see movies together, dating today would be largely unrecognizable to people 10 years ago; changes in how we find our dates, how we treat them and how we describe ourselves to them have radically altered the dating landscape.

To many, modern dating can seem like a minefield of technical jargon; the phrase "My poly pansexual situationship ghosted me so I'm breadcrumbing this snack I had a half-night stand with last year, will you be my emergency call if he wants to Netflix & chill?" will be clear as day to some and unintelligible to others.

RELATED:All the Sex Slang You Need to Know

If you find yourself in the latter category, this gigantic glossary of 61dating terms is for you.

AROMANTIC

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: ay-ro-MAN-tick

Aromanticism is pretty rare, but it is real: A certain portion of the population does not experience the feelings of romantic love that seem to come naturally for so many of us. While that might seem like either a blessing or a curse, depending on your take on love, perhaps the most significant hurdle for aromantic people is simply feeling left out and misunderstood by a culture for whom dating, love and marriage are not only the norm, but the de facto expectation for all.

Etymology: The "a-" prefix roughly translates to "without;" "romantic," here, means capable of having feelings of romantic love

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't... fall in love." "You're not broken maybe you're just aromantic!"

ASEXUAL

aka Ace

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: ay-SEK-shoo-UL

Being asexual doesn't specify whom you're attracted to, unlike other terms on this list. It specifies you don't experience sexual attraction. But this doesn't mean you can't have sex only that you don't feel the need in the same way. Dating an ace person? Expect to check in regularly with them re: their desires and boundaries just as you would when dating anybody else.

Etymology: Knowing that "a-" means "without," I'm sure I don't need to tell you what "sexual" means.

"Patrick, are you dating Scott? I thought he was asexual, not gay." "Scott's asexual and likes boys! It ain't mutually exclusive."

BENCHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: BENCH-ing

Benching is when you're not into someone enough to commit to officially dating them, but you don't want them to move on and find someone else either, so you string them along juuuust enough to keep them waiting on the sidelines for you.

Etymology: You know when you're on a sports team but not actually playing, just waiting on the bench until the coach needs you? Yeah, it's the dating version of that.

"Rachel only ever seems to text me after I've given up on hearing from her. She's definitely benching me."

BIG DICK ENERGY

Dating / Identity

Pronunciation: BIG dick EH-nur-JEE

Big dick energy, or BDE, is something only a small amount of people possess. Its the quality of having supreme confidence without needing to be loud or controlling, a quiet understanding of who you are and what you bring to the table that doesnt require backtalk, bragging, or B.S. In short, someone with big dick energy is incredibly hot, and more guys should try to emulate that. The truth is, you can have BDE no matter what your penis size is as long as youre comfortable with who you are.

Etymology: The phrase was coined by Twitter user @imbobswaget in a tweet mourning the June 2018 death of TV personality and chef Anthony Bourdain. It implies that a person (or thing) exudes the confidence that must come with having a large penis and Bourdain's kindness, charm and humble swagger were just that.

Damn, look at that guy over there. Hes totally exuding big dick energy.

BISEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: by-SEK-shoo-ULL

Bisexual persons are attracted to two genders. In the nineties, we'd have said "bisexual persons are into men and women", but we know a little more about sex and gender than we used to. Swinging both ways, flexible, cross-platform compatible, or rooting for both teams, a bisexual person can enjoy sex with or fall in love with the same gender as themselves, or a different gender from themselves. Bi people might prefer dating one gender and sleeping with another, but we still call 'em bi.

Etymology: A bisexual person is like a bicycle; both share the prefix bi, which means two.

"Mike, why do you call yourself bisexual? You've only ever dated women." "That's true, but I just haven't met a guy I wanted to call my boyfriend yet."

BREADCRUMBING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: BREAD-crum-ing

Breadcrumbing is when you send flirty but non-committal messages to a person when you're not really interested in dating them but don't have the guts to break things off with them completely. The breadcrumbee is strung along for the sake of sparing the breadcrumber a confrontation.

Etymology: Think of the phenomenon of getting a small creature to follow you by laying a trail of breadcrumbs here, and you've got the right idea.

"Rene replies to every second or third message I send her but never wants to meet IRL. I think she's breadcrumbing me."

CASUAL RELATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: KAZH-oo-ull ruh-LAY-shun-ship

Somewhere in between f*ckbuddies and going steady is the casual relationship, in which two people typically hang out regularly and have sex but don't partake in the hallmarks of a serious relationship, like exclusivity, ongoing commitment and spending time with each other's friends and family.

Etymology: This one's pretty straightforward in meaning: it's a romantic relationship that's not too serious or committed.

"I have a friends with benefits type thing going on with Emily, you know? It's a casual relationship."

CATFISHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KAT-fish-ing

Catfishing is one of those dating terms that has legitimately made its way into the mainstream, thanks to the TV show and movie of the same name. Messaging with someone who's pretending to be someone else? You're being catfished! These setups tend to end badly. But until then, move your conversation with your crush to the phone/IRL/video chat of some sort as soon as you can muster. If they're resistant, they might be catfishing you.

Etymology: The term gained popularity after the release of the 2010 documentary on the then-burgeoning phenomenon, Catfish, but the real reason for the name is harder to come by.

"She always has a different excuse not to meet up with me." "Sounds you're being catfished..."

CISGENDER

aka Cis

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: siss-JENN-der

Cisgender is a term for people who aren't transgender, or whose assigned gender lines up with their actual gender. But isn't that 'normal', you might ask? Actually, it isn't, it's just more common: variations in sex and sexuality are perfectly normal and occur frequently in nature (gender is a little more complicated, as we don't have a theory of mind that encompasses gender for nonhuman animals). While cisgender persons may outnumber transgender persons, it isn't a default setting; it's one of many.

Etymology: From cis-, meaning literally 'on this side of' in mathematics and organic chemistry.

"So what's the opposite of trans, then? Normal?" "Well, no, it's not that simple. But the term you're looking for is 'cis'."

CUFFING SEASON

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: KUFF-ing SEE-zun

Cuffing season is the period between early fall and late winter when everyone starts to shack up with the nearest half-decent single person to ward off loneliness and cold during the cooler months. Cuffing season typically implied a short term, mutually beneficial arrangement that's strictly seasonal, and it ends as soon as the leaves start turning green again. The term is African American Vernacular English (AAVE) and has been around at least since the early 2010s.

Etymology: Cuffing, as in "handcuffing", because you're chaining yourself to someone else at least until winter's over.

"Starbucks just brought back the pumpkin spice latte, it must be cuffing season!"

CURVE

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: KURV

Getting curved is being rejected, shot down, turned aside, said no to, dissed and dismissed. Yes, it sucks. When you get curved you need to take a moment to properly absorb all of the "no" that just hit you. But there's also something beautiful to a well-done curve; it's a memento to a failure, big and small, that you can carry around with you and use to prop up or tear down narratives about your dateability.

Etymology: A curve is often subtler than a flat-out no (think: Your text gets "Seen" but not responded to), so even if it hurts the same, it carries a name that implies a redirection rather than an outright rejection.

"I tried to ask out this babe at the bar last night and she curved me harder than I've ever been curved in my life."

CUSHIONING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KUSH-on-ing

As above, cushioning is the process of staying in contact with one or more romantic prospects as a backup in case things don't go smoothly with your main squeeze. The "cushions" are usually kept on the periphery, eg. texting rather than full blown cheating.

Etymology: Cushioning, as in, keeping a person or several people around to "cushion" the blow if your main relationship doesn't work out.

"I do really like Priya, but I'm still texting Sian just in case. Yeah, I guess I'm cushioning."

DADDY

Dating / Identity

Pronunciation: DAH-dee

Over the past few years, daddy culture has risen to become pretty mainstream. These days, its normal for teens and assorted millennials to use the word daddy in either a sexual or sex-adjacent context. You might call your partner daddy in bed, or you might acknowledge a hot older mans daddy vibes because of his muscles, body hair, facial hair, and personal wealth. Either way, yes, its low-key incestuous, but the people have spoken.

Etymology: From the word daddy, meaning father.

She keeps on texting me, choke me daddy. What the hell does that mean?

DEMISEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: DEH-mee-SEK-shoo-ULL

A demisexual is a person whose sex drive is tied not to an immediate visual or physical attraction but to people's personalities once they've gotten to know them. As a result, demisexuals are poor candidates for one-night stands and casual relationships which may make them feel a bit alienated in our current dating climate. But they're no more or less capable of deep, loving relationships as the rest of us, so if you're prepared to take things slow sexually, demisexuals can make for great partners, too.

Etymology: Demi means half, or part positioning demisexuals between asexuals and people who do typically experience sexual desire.

"At first I thought I was asexual, but then I realized I can have sexual desire for people... just not until I really know them!" "Sounds like you might be demisexual."

DM SLIDE

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: DEE-em slide

A DM slide is when you direct message your crush using the private messaging functions available on all of the major social media networks, eg. Twitter and Instagram. You usually need to be mutuals first ie. follow each other to avoid your message ending up in an "other" folder, and DM sliding tends to occur after some public interaction, eg. liking each other's pics or @ replying.

Etymology: DM stands for "direct messages", and "sliding" is the process of entering someone's direct messages to flirt with them.

"Brandy just posted a selfie and she's looking hot AF! I'm about to slide in the DMs."

DTR CONVERSATION

aka DTR, DTR Convo

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: dee-tee-ARE con-ver-SAY-shun

A DTR conversation is a pivotal moment in a relationship: It's the moment you discuss what you are. Are you a for-real couple, or just friends with benefits, or a situationship? Timing is huge, here. Have your DTR too early and you risk scaring the other person away; too late and you might discover they've been casually dating around the whole time, assuming it wasn't serious.

Etymology: There's no great mystery here DTR simply stands for "define the relationship."

"It's been six months and I just don't know what we are yet?" "Well have you had a DTR convo with him?

EGGPLANT EMOJI

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: EGG-plant ee-MO-ji

There are other sex emojis the peach (a luscious butt) and the water drops (either wetness or ejaculate, depending on your tastes), notably but the eggplant emoji is doubtless the most suggestive. Why? Well, peach and water drops are actually used in other contexts. But when was the last time you needed to use a damn eggplant emoji to signify eggplant?

Etymology: People just noticed that the eggplant emoji was phallic-looking. The rest is history.

"Wow, did you see that bulge? Man, I'd love to see his eggplant emoji, if you know what I mean."

EMERGENCY CALL

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: eh-MUR-jun-see KOL

An emergency call is a fakeout that allows you to politely get out of a particularly bad date. If you can tell the night's going to be a trainwreck from the earliest moments (and you often can) but you're genuinely afraid of insulting the stranger you're sitting across from, a fake emergency call from a friend saying "Your brother's in the hospital" or "Your cat just died" early on in the evening can be a real lifesaver.

"Oh, God, thanks for agreeing to be my emergency call last night. What a nightmare date that was."

FIREDOORING

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: FIE-er DOH-ring

This is the dating version of the one-way fire door on rare occasions, someone will come out of their shell to contact you, but won't respond if you attempt to get in touch. It's a setup that only works in deeply unequal situations if you're getting firedoored, you're constantly feeling frustrated and only occasionally satisfied. If this is happening to you, get out and close the door behind you. There are tons of people out there who won't do this to you!

Etymology: A fire door is a one-way door it allows you to exit (on rare occasions) but never allows anyone to enter.

"She never responds to my messages, but texts me 'u up' at 1 a.m.? What's the deal?" "Sounds like you're getting firedoored, bud."

FRECKLING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: FRECK-uh-ling

Just as cooler temperatures bring out cuffing season and associated coupling up, warmer temperatures change peoples dating behaviors. If someone only seems interested in you during the warmer months, it might be a case of freckling. Maybe they got out of a relationship of sorts during the spring and now that its summertime, youre on their hookup roster. Unfortunately, theyre not looking for anything serious or permanent just like freckles, theyll disappear come fall.

Etymology: From freckles, small patches of facial skin that darken during the summer for some people with pale skin.

"Its been three weeks since school started and I havent heard anything I think she was just freckling me."

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

aka FWB

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: FRENDS with BEN-eh-fits

Friends with benefits is the relatively classy way of saying you know someone and care about them and are regularly engaging in sexual acts with them, but not within the context of a relationship. It implies a certain looseness of arrangement. You probably don't see each other as often as a real couple; don't tell each other all the details of your lives; don't put each other down on emergency contact forms (or mention each other on social media profiles). That doesn't mean you're cold, unfeeling robots; it just means a relationship isn't exactly what you want.

"So what are we? Is this a relationship? Or are we just friends?" "I think we're friends... with benefits."

F*CKBUDDIES

aka F*ckfriends

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: FUK-buh-deez

Isn't that... basically friends with benefits? Yes, arguably, they're pretty similar. At the same time, though, the use of the F-word in one of the terms (compared to the very euphemistic "benefits" denotes a very different sexual ethos. One is classy, old world, and stuffy; the other is crass, lewd and very present. So, arguably, one is for the type of people who are ashamed of such a sexual arrangement, and one is for people who aren't. Or maybe how you describe your setup depends more on who's asking. Whatever works!

Etymology: F*ck means sex... buddies means friends... should be pretty straightforward.

"I met this great girl. We've been seeing each other a lot... just for sex, though, no dates. We're f*ckbuddies."

GAY

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: GAY

This term is one of the more flexible on the list, but, generally speaking, someone who identifies as gay is exclusively attracted to, or exclusively dates, or exclusively has sex with, people who are the same gender as themselves but it's a term that's been reclaimed by many across the spectrum of sexuality so if you see a queer woman proclaim she's gay despite dating men too, it's not necessarily the contradiction you think it is.

"Carol, would you like to grab coffee with me this weekend?" "Sure, Jim, but as friends. You do know I'm gay, right?"

GENDERFLUID

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: JEN-der-FLOO-id

Can be applied to people who feel outside the gender binary, or it can be applied to persons who feel that their gender isn't fixed, but variable changing from day to day. Unlike nonbinary persons, a genderfluid person might identify as male and female, on different days, whereas a nonbinary person will usually identify as neither male nor female. Someone's gender identity has nothing to do with whom they're attracted to, or what they look like on the outside, or what physical sex they were born as. Gender is a mental conception of the self, so a genderfluid person can present as any gender or appearance, based on how that term feels for them.

Etymology: Gender, as in, your gender. Fluid, as in flowing, non-stable, movable, changeable.

"Hey, could you ask Scout if I could have her number? I need to ask her about this chem assignment." "Hey, buddy, I'll definitely ask for you, but you should know that Scout's not a 'she' they're genderfluid."

GHOSTING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: GO-sting

Ghosting is when you disappear out of someone's life because you're no longer interested in them, instead of telling them directly. It's more abrupt than breadcrumbing: the ghoster will suddenly stop replying to texts and won't answer calls, and the ghostee is usually left hurt and confused.

Etymology: You know the disappearing act ghosts are known for? That, but it's your crush instead of a poltergeist.

"I'm not really feeling Melissa anymore, but she's really into me. I think I'm just gonna ghost her."

HALF-NIGHT STAND

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: HAFF nite STAND

The traditional one-night stand involves meeting a sexually-attractive stranger and taking them home for a night of unattached sex: they leave in the morning and you don't see them again. Well, the half-night stand cuts out the staying over part: the late night guest leaves straight after the sex is over.

Etymology: A half-night stand is 50 per cent of a one-night stand get it?

"Joe was lazy in bed and wouldn't give me head, so I got out of there as soon as he fell asleep. I guess I've had a half-night stand now!"

HAUNTING

aka Zombieing

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: HAWN-ting

Haunting occurs when you think you have finished things with a date that didn't work out or even a serious relationship but then you notice signs that your ex is lurking your social media feeds, eg. they randomly like old Instagram pics or watch your daily stories. Often the notifications are a deliberate attempt to remind you that they exist.

Etymology: This is another supernatural dating metaphor but the meaning is almost the opposite of ghosting: in this case the offender lingers around rather than disappearing.

"Guess who watched my Instagram story today, of all people!? John! He's haunting me, and it's really creepy."

INCEL

aka Virgin

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: IN-sell

Incel is a term that became popular on Reddit to describe men who can't get laid. The term, as a descriptor, is doubly demeaning. Not only is no one attracted to incels, but they also have a stupid name to describe them. Most incel problems could be sorted out by putting in minimal effort into looking better and having more positive interactions with women, but that's none of our business. Incel's slightly less embarrassing cousin is volcel the voluntarily celibate.

Etymology: Incel is a portmanteau of the phrase "involuntarily celibate" someone who's sexually inactive but wishes they could be.

"Ugh, I haven't had sex in almost three years. I'm such an incel."

KITTENFISHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KIT-in-FISH-ing

Coined by dating app Hinge, Kittenfishing is when you portray yourself in an unrealistically positive light in your online dating profiles. We all do this to some extent, but kittenfishing crosses the border into dishonest territory: think photoshopped or very outdated profile pics, or listing "lawyer" as your occupation when you're really a first year law student.

Etymology: You already know about catfishing, when a person pretends to be someone they're not online. Well, kittenfishing is the lite version of that.

"Remember that girl I was messaging on Tinder? Well, we met IRL, and she was definitely kittenfishing."

LEFT ON READ

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LEFT awn RED or LEFT awn REED

You send a text to your crush and wait for their reply, giddy with excitement. Maybe youre asking them out on a date, or maybe youre just trying to start a conversation. Regardless, rather than a reply, you simply get a read receipt. Read at 2:39 p.m. Then nothing. If youre watching the convo like a hawk, you might get the indignity of seeing them start to type a reply and then give up. Its a demoralizing feeling to be left on read. Its also a good reason not to use read receipts.

Etymology: From the phrase read receipt, a notification visible in a chat or text window when a person has seen a message but not responded.

"Is he still leaving you on read? You need to get over him ASAP."

LOCKERING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LAH-ker-ing

If youve ever experienced someone ditching you by claiming theyre studying when in fact theyre just not interested, what you felt was lockering. For high-school sweethearts starting college at separate schools, this could be a prelude to a Thanksgiving breakup, better known as a turkey dump. Since the main feature of lockering is the claim that nothings wrong, theyre just focusing on their studies, it could occur at any point during your time in school.

Etymology: From the word locker, a small, typically locked space for your personal belongings in a large public building such as a school.

"How come youre always studying and you never have time to catch up? Are you lockering me?"

LGBTQ

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: ELL-jee-bee-tee-CUE

LGBTQ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (or questioning), and its an acronym that's used to include the whole of a bunch of different communities of people whose sexualities or gender identities place them outside of the mainstream both historically and today. Some incarnations of the term include groups like intersex people, asexuals; and often the final Q is omitted in popular discourse. Nevertheless, it's a useful term when you're trying to refer to several, often intersecting groups of people at once.

"I love all my LGBTQ friends!"

LOVE BOMBING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LUV BOM-ing

Love bombing is when a new partner shows extreme amounts of affection early on and expends serious energy in a deliberate attempt to woo you. However, once you've committed to a relationship with them, the love bomber will withdraw all that affection and let their true, ugly colors shine through, leaving you stuck in a nightmare relationship. This one's really not cute: love bombing is manipulative and abusive.

Etymology: Like its literal counterpart, a love bomb is awesome and spectacular at first, but ultimately very destructive.

"Graeme was so sweet at first, but now he's manipulative and jealous all the time. I guess he love bombed me."

MICROCHEATING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: MY-cro-CHEA-ting

Microcheating is a form of infidelity that stops short of the full-blown, overt cheating that occurs when a person sleeps with someone else behind their partner's back, but is low-level, cumulative dishonesty and infidelity that is intolerable in a committed relationship. Think heavy flirting, tonnes of secrecy, furtive kissy-face emojis and emotional affairs.

Etymology: If you think of cheating behaviors as existing on a scale, these ones are on the more minor end.

"I've never caught Imogen sleeping with anyone else, but she's constantly flirting with other guys and texts everyone except me. In my opinion, she's microcheating."

NETFLIX AND CHILL

Graeme Adams

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: NET-flicks and CHILL

In its original inception, "Netflix and chill" was a euphemism for a stay-at-home date that led to sex pretty quickly. The idea being: You invite your crush over under the premise of "just watching some Netflix and chilling" and then either abandon the movie pretty early or perhaps never even get to it, as hooking up becomes the main attraction.

"How'd it go?" "Well, I invited him over for a little Netflix and chill... you can guess what happened next."

NON-BINARY

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: non-BYE-nuh-ree

A non-binary person isn't cisgender, they are transgender. But not all transgender persons identify as the 'opposite' gender they were born as; in fact, many reject the idea that there are 'opposite' genders at all. A non-binary person may identify as neither male or female, or both male and female, or as a traditional gender to their culture (such as two-spirited or third gender). It's polite to use 'they' as a default pronoun until instructed otherwise if you're unsure about someone's gender. Never assume!

Etymology: The prefix non- is modifying the noun 'binary', nullifying the idea that gender exists as only two options.

"I thought Padraic was trans? Why doesn't Padraic want to be referred to as 'she'?" "Padraic is trans, but they're nonbinary, not femme!"

OPEN RELATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: OH-pin ruh-LAY-shun-ship

An open relationship is a committed, romantic relationship that contains an arrangement where both parties can sleep with other people. It's not cheating, because both parties are honest with each other and have the same freedom to engage in sex with other people. Open relationships often contain specific rules and boundaries, just like monogamous relationships, but "no sex with anyone else, ever!" isn't one of them.

Etymology: The opposite of a traditional, "closed" relationship, an open relationship relaxes the rules on monogamy.

"I love Max, but I think we'd both benefit from a bit more sexual freedom. I'm thinking of asking him for an open relationship."

ORBITING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation:OR-bih-ting

Unlike with ghosting or zombieing (a term you'll find if you keep scrolling), theres no text, call or other form of communication that initiates anything. In this case, you'll see a notification, get your hopes up, but find they never actually reach out.Just rememeber: if someone really wants to date you, theyd probably make more of an effort than tapping on a like button.

Etymology: Just as the planets revolve around the sun with no direct interaction, this person checks all your social media accounts without ever saying a word.

"Hmm ... watches my Instagram story, likes my photos, reads my DMs, but doesn't respond. Yep, I'm being orbited."

PANSEXUAL

Graeme Adams

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: pan-SEK-shoo-ull

Some people, for whatever reason believe that the term bisexual doesn't apply to them. Maybe they're a woman who's attracted to women, men, and nonbinary people. Or maybe they feel like their sexuality is too fluid for a simpler label. Some people have adopted pansexual because it doesn't reinforce the gender binary through its name.

Etymology: Pan-, meaning all; someone who is attracted to all persons and genders.

"So are you still bisexual?" "Well, ever since my partner transitioned I feel like the word 'pansexual' suits me better, you know?"

PHUBBING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: FUH-bing

Ever been hanging out with a date or significant other only to notice theyre paying too much attention to their phone? Thats a case of phubbing. Its a pretty ugly word, but honestly, its a pretty ugly act. With people using technology to stay in constant connection to their friends and followers, it can be easy to forget about the person right in front of you. A consistent phubber is sending a message, intentionally or otherwise, that youre simply not the top priority, their phone is.

Etymology: A combination of phone and snubbing.

"Man, every time me and Mark hang out, hes always on Instagram when Im talking to him. I feel so phubbed."

PIE HUNTING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: PIE HUNT-ing

As you can probably deduce, pie hunting is an unsavory dating phenomenon in which a person (the "hunter") deliberately dates "pies", or heartbroken, vulnerable people with messy dating histories, who are perceived to be easier and lower-maintenance.

Etymology: A "pie" is a person with a disastrous dating history familiar with rejection and heartbreak. It comes from "pied off", British slang for being stood up or dumped.

"Dave only ever dates divorcees. He's a real pie-hunter."

POLYAMOROUS

aka Poly

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: paw-lee-AM-oh-riss

In its various forms, polyamory has been a part of human culture for millennia, particularly in the form of polygamous marriages, but it's enjoying a resurgence in modern dating culture as millennials (children of divorce faced with untold levels of choice) break with monogamous tradition and begin exploring their options. It's not a free-for-all there are still rules, and cheating does exist but consensually dating (and loving) multiple people at once could represent the future of dating.

Etymology: Polyamorous comes from the Greek poly (many) and amor (love), meaning many loves.

"To be honest, Camille and I are thinking of experimenting with being polyamorous."

QUEER

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: KWEER

The word has been reclaimed by those communities as a positive term. 'Queer' is often treated as the 'umbrella' term under which gay men, pansexual non-binary persons, and people experimenting with their sexuality can come together under. It's a term of solidarity to foster community between sexuality-and-gender-diverse persons. Queer is one of the more amorphous terms on this list, and is used by queer persons to describe themselves. So what does it mean? Basically, 'not straight', in any flavor you like, and usually with a slightly more radical edge.

Etymology: Originally meaning 'strange', 'queer' was used for years as a slur against non-normative sexualities.

"Not gay as in happy, but queer as in 'screw off.'"

REDPILL

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: RED-pill

If you decide, once and for all, that women are bad and society is set up in such a way to privilege them over men at every turn, you're completely off your rocker but you've also had a redpill moment. You'll probably want to head to Reddit and swap stories with other incels and MGTOWs about how women are ruining your lives.

Etymology: Redpilling is named for the scene in The Matrix when Morpheus offers Neo the choice between taking a red pill and a blue pill with the red one representing the horrifying truth and the blue, blissful ignorance.

"Yeah, my brother totally got redpilled in his first year at college. Yikes."

ROACHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: ROW-ching

Roaching is a new dating trend where people hide the fact that they're dating around from a new partner and, when confronted, claim to have simply been under the assumption that there was no implication of monogamy to begin with. In today's more poly-friendly dating culture, this is a slick tactic to shift the blame to the person confronting them, but the truth is it's both parties' responsibility to be at least baseline open about seeing other people if that's the case. Roaching, as a result, deeply messed up.

Etymology: Roaching refers to the adage that if you see one cockroach, there are a ton more that you don't see just like this person's sneaky side-dealings.

"So it turned out he'd been seeing like, six other girls the whole time!" "Damn, Tina. You got roached."

SAPIOSEXUAL

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SAY-pee-oh-SEK-shoo-ull

Perhaps most infamous for the time Tinder CEO Sean Rad confused it with the word "sodomy," sapiosexual is a word that's gained increasing currency in recent years. Meaning someone who's turned on by a person's mind rather than physical appearance, it's a neat marriage of style and substance, as only huge nerds would dare self-identify as sapiosexuals. Not to be confused with any of the other sexualities, this isn't a clinical definition of an innate quality, merely a descriptor meant to state a preference.

Etymology: The "sapio" part comes from the Latin word "sapiens," which means "mind."

"What really entices me about a woman... is her mind. Yes, you could call me a sapiosexual."

SEVERAL-NIGHT STAND

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SEV-rull NITE STAND

If the one-night stand was a product of the 20th century's loosening sexual mores, the several-night stand is a distinctly 21st-century invention. For people who care about someone else enough to sleep with them multiple times but not enough to take it past that, it's an arrangement that necessitates the hyper-connectedness and smorgasbrd of choice that our phones now offer us. Your drunken hookup is just a text away; but exclusivity seems foolish when your next drunken hookup might also be just a text away.

"Well, we kept on texting each other 'u up' every evening and it basically turned into a several-night stand."

SEX INTERVIEW

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SECKS INN-tur-vyou

Have you ever had sex with someone before going on a real date with them? Then you've engaged in a sex interview, my friend! Sex researchers (yes, that's a real job) coined the term in 2015 to describe the practice, which is increasingly popular among millennials who are less shy about sex and more interested in weeding out incompatible lovers than so-so conversationalists. If you have high standards for sex, it makes a lot of sense the possibility of developing real intimacy and chemistry with someone only to discover you're nothing alike in bed is a real turn-off of its own.

"So what's the deal with you and Brandon? Is that happening?" "Nah. He's still messaging me, but to be honest, he failed his sex interview."

SITUATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: SIT-chew-AY-shun-ship

In use on Black Twitter since at least 2014, a "situationship" is Facebook's "It's Complicated" relationship status come to life. Similar to a casual relationship, a situationship is a sexual relationship that stops short of constituting a serious relationship, but it's not nothing either.

Etymology: It's not a friendship, or a relationship, but something in between: it's a situationship.

"So what's the deal with you and Molly now? Are you together?" "I don't know, man. It's a situationship."

SLOW FADE

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: SLOW fade

The slow fade is the process of ending a lackluster relationship or fling by gradually reducing contact and response times. Like a smoother version of breadcrumbing, the person doing the fading will taper off contact, like gradually turning down the volume on a song and starting a new one without anyone noticing.

Etymology: Similar to breadcrumbing, the slow fade is letting someone down gently without actually saying so.

"I want to end things with Lee, but I can't stand the idea of hurting him. I think I'm gonna do the slow fade."

SNACK

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SNAK

A snack is a babe, a honey, a stunner, a smokeshow, a jaw-dropping vision. A snack inspires DM slides and thirsty texts. A snack is a powerful force in the universe whose mere presence can cause those in proximity to them to lose their minds entirely. In short, a snack is someone so attractive, you almost want to eat them right up. Of course, some snacks are SO attractive, you have to call them a full meal. Because let's be real, Beyonc is more than a handful of tortilla chips.

"God damn, did you see that babe who just walked by?" "Yeah, man, that girl was a snack!"

STASHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: STA-shing

"Stashing" is when a person won't introduce the person they're seeing to anyone in their lives, and doesn't mention their existence on social media. The "stashed" partner is kept hidden from view and stashing is a classic move of the commitment-averse.

Etymology: Stashing a partner is hiding them away from public view, like a squirrel stashing nuts in a tree.

"Maria won't introduce me to any of her friends or family. I think I'm being stashed."

STEALTHING

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: STELL-thing

With all the cute names, it's easy to forget sometimes that not all dating trends are created equal. Take stealthing, for example, which is just a form of sexual assault. Named for when guys surreptitiously remove a condom mid-sexual act, enabling them to finish the deed unprotected, stealthing is a horrifying reminder that consent and sexual health education are woefully lacking in modern society.

Etymology:Stealthing is necessarily a sneaky move, since it involvesremoving the condom and keeping it a secret.

"When we started, he was wearing a condom, but halfway through I realized he wasn't!" "Oh my God, he stealthed you?

STRAIGHT

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: STRATE

Straight persons are attracted to, date, or have sex with only members of the 'opposite' gender. Some people might have crushes on the same gender as themselves, but never follow through, and still identify as straight. Sexuality is wild, man!

Etymology: Straight means heterosexual, mostly.

"I'm flattered you'd think to ask me out, Zander, but I'm straight."

SUBMARINING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: sub-muh-REE-ning

Did you just get haunted, or zombied, but it felt even worse than usual? Maybe you were submarined! Submarining is when your old flame pops back up in your life after a lengthy period of silence, but rather than copping to the disappearance, simply acts as if dipping without warning is normal behavior. This person knows they have you wrapped around their finger, so why put in the effort to apologize or explain? They don't need to! If you're getting submarined, pro tip: Get out of there before the whole thing sinks.

Etymology: Submarines go underwater... and the occasionally pop back up to the surface! That's normal behavior for them.

"So after disappearing for two months, she just pops right back up!" "Damn... she submarined you!

SUMMER FLING

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: SUM-mer FLING

The counterpart to cuffing season, summer flings are casual relationships that end once the leaves start to turn brown again. Summer flings often start on vacations and end when the other person has to go home, and tend to be of the "short and sweet" variety.

Etymology: This one's not rocket science: a summer fling is a short, informal relationship over the warmer months.

"I had such a good time with Nicole in Cabo but it was definitely just a summer fling."

SWINGER

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SWING-ur

The de facto term for consensually sleeping with someone outside of your marriage while your partner does the same, swinging has lost some cultural currency in recent years as millennials opt for the "poly" lifestyle instead. Still, swinging is alive and well for Gen Xers taking advantage of increasingly liberal sexual mores as society shifts slowly away from the restrictive confines of absolute monogamy and towards something a little bit more flexible.

Etymology: Swingers are people who 'swing' from one sexual partnership (their spouse) to another.

"Yeah, this married couple asked us if we wanted to come to a swingers party with them."'

SWIPING

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: SWHY-ping

Swiping, swiping, swiping. For some singles, it might be difficult to conceive of any other way, but it's worth remembering that swiping didn't even really exist before 2012. Unless you've been living under a rock (and if so: congratulations, you lucky duck), you'll know that swiping is the physical interaction you have with your phone (a single finger moves intentionally across a thin piece of glass covering an electronic brain) when deciding whether you're attracted to someone's profile picture or not. From Tinder it spread to Bumble and a few thousand copycat apps. It'll be replaced eventually, but until then, swiping is how we as a culture perform love or at least our aspirations thereto.

"No plans tonight... I'm just going to stay home, re-download Tinder and swipe myself silly."

TEXTLATIONSHIP

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: text-LAY-shun-ship

A textlationship is a flirtatious connection between two people that works on paper but never seems to manifest itself in practice. For whatever reason, the chemistry between two people is just better over texts. It could mean one of the two is playing the other just for the attention, rather than both parties being shy or awkward. Regardless, if the passion is there in the texts but never translates to the streets or the sheets, its a textlationship.

Etymology: A combination of text and relationship.

"Shes always texting me but never wants to actually go on a date or hook up. Honestly, we might just be in a textlationship."

THIRST TRAP

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: THURST trap

In the natural world, spiders have webs, and millennials have thirst traps. They're intentionally sexually provocative pictures posted on social media in order to ensnare hapless scrollers-by. Often, such pictures will draw way more likes than their typical posts, as thirsty people rush to offer their likes as sacrifices to an uncaring god. These can be a great ego boost for the thirst trapper, but the high tends not to last. Then you're back on the timeline, thirst trapping again for your next fix.

Etymology: Thirst is desire, sexual or romantic, that tends to be unreturned; a trap is how you catch unsuspecting victims.

"Damn, did you see Sheila's selfie last night? That outfit was wild!" "Yep, that was a real thirst trap."

THRONING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: thr-OWN-ing

Throning is essentially another form of gold digging that extends beyond wealth. It involves someone using another person for their power and social status, and it's most common when one person in the relationship has significantly less money or influence than their counterpart.

Etymology: When you think of a throne, you think of a crown. That person doing the throning wants that crown.

"Every time we cross that rope, we get inside and suddenly it's like I'm not even there. I feel like I'm just being throned."

TINDSTAGRAMMING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: TIND-stuh-gram-ming

Tindstagramming is the process of contacting someone through Instagram's direct messaging feature after you have seen them on Tinder but not become a match. It's an annoying and generally poorly-received way of bypassing a left-swipe, and women in particular get fatigued by the messages that pile up in their "Other" folder when they link their Instagram account to their Tinder profile.

Etymology: A mashup of "Tinder" and "Instagramming," Tindstagrammers try to make the most of both platforms.

"I have 10 new messages in my Other folder on Instagram! These Tindstagrammers won't leave me alone."

TRANSGENDER

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: trans-JEN-der

At birth, (even before, if you've ever been to a gender reveal party), pretty much all of us are assigned a gender, whether by our doctor, our parents, or society. Transgender or trans persons are those whose actual gender is different from the one they were assigned. Some trans people undergo surgery or take hormones to have their sex characteristics better match their gender, but not everyone does! Transgender, or trans, like queer is often an umbrella for those with diverse genders.

Etymology: Trans-, meaning across or beyond, plus gender

"So I hear Paul's cousin is transgendered now." "Actually, she's just transgender no 'ed' necessary!"

TURKEY DUMP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: TUR-key DUMP

Another seasonal relationship event, turkey dumping is common among college students, many of whom are in long distance relationships with people they knew in high school or from their home towns. The turkey dump happens after one person in the relationship returns back to college after Thanksgiving and realises it's too difficult to keep things going.

Etymology: So-named because it's a breakup that occurs after the Thanksgiving break.

"I had such a good time with Jake while he was home for Thanksgiving, but he broke up with me as soon as he got back to campus. I got turkey dumped."

UNCUFFING SEASON

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: un-CUFF-ing SEE-sun

What sets cuffing season relationships apart from real relationships is the possibility that they came together at a specific time for a specific reason. You could link up with someone in the fall, because as it gets cold, you want something steady and dependable so you arent chasing a bunch of different people all winter. As a corollary, once those conditions fall away, it makes sense that the relationships would, too. The springtime can be considered uncuffing season because its the time for people to break things off with a semi-serious cuff and venture out into a sexy and flirtatious summer.

Etymology: A variant on cuffing season.

"Man, how many couples have broken up in the past few weeks? Is it uncuffing season already?"

VULTURING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: vul-CHUR-ing

Vultures can sense when a relationship is on its last leg. Their moves are selfish, and typically, they're going to do whatever they deem necessary to get what they want: you. Sure, having a bit of hope that your longtime crush will split from their wretched partner and fall for you might not be considered vulturing per se, but taking advantage of. someone in an incredibly weak and vulnerable state? That's a whole other story.

Etymology: Just like a vulture circling its wounded prey, some people swoop in to pick up the pieces out when they sense a relationship is on its last leg.

"Stop vulturing, it's just a rough patch. They'll get through it!"

WATER DROPLETS EMOJI

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: WAH-turr DROP-lits ee-MO-ji

After the eggplant emoji, the water droplets emoji might be the horniest one out there. One notable benefit is that its unisex. Depending on who you are and who youre messaging, the droplets could be semen, female lubrication/ejaculate, or a bit of the comparatively tame (and universal) sex sweat. Regardless, throwing a couple of these into a naughty text message is a good way to visually convey the activities to come if you will.

Etymology: Anyone whos ever made a mess with their sexual fluids will understand.

Cant wait for later tonight. Im gonna make you water droplets emoji all over the place.

ZOMBIEING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: zom-BEE-ing

This is ghosting to. the next level. After losing touch with someone who you'd been talking or seeing, zombieing is when they make a triumphant return as if nothing ever happened.Your zombie may get in touch with you via DM, text or by seeking you out in person. Hearing from someone who totally dipped out on you can bring up some conflicting feelings, but if youre looking for a positive, the situation does have the potential to offer some clarity or closure.

Etymology:A zombie is an undead person coming back from the grave. Need we say more here?

3 months of radio silence after we texted every single day. I can't believe he's zombieing me ... should I answer?

All illustrations by Graeme Adams.

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/your-comprehensive-guide-to-online-dating-slang