#another dating life vent lmaoooo

[katierosefun]

so after one really big latte, a muffin, a run which resulted in a near accident with an oncoming car, and a shower in which i contemplated my own mortality, here’s my thoughts on the adorable me & au podcast, because babe wake up new hyperfixation dropped. very spoiler-y, i’m sorry in advance for how f*cking long this is, this might only have like two people reading this but i have many thoughts please listen to this podcast because it’s so cute and i listened to it all in about 2.5 hours? 

- firstly: the main character is super relatable. like, scary relatable. meet kate “acunningplan” cunningham, a gal about to enter her senior year of college and just kinda,,,lost. she works as a barista and very confused, very...stuck gal by day, fic writer (and still very stuck gal) by.........not barista hours. 

- honestly, i love kate. idk i’m about to enter my senior year of college, and bro i related so hard to her fears of “bro i can’t even think about next week without feeling overwhelmed”. she misses her best friend whitney a lot, who is currently on the other side of the country for an impressive internship. so that can be kinda lonely. 

- but fear not, kate has an escape, like so many other fic writers/fandom people: fanfic. this whole story references tumblr without actually naming tumblr (let’s be real....it’s tumblr, from the “notes” to “this stupid app keeps crashing”), and kate follows this tv show about werewolves and supernatural creatures. very gay. only problem is that there’s not a whole ton of people active in the fandom, since this show is relatively new. 

- however, in this small fandom, kate meets ella: otherwise known as “hella-enchanted”, who is another fic writer. 

- kate is very obsessed with the idea of alternate universes, and for that alone, i love her.

- okay, so even if you’ve never fallen in love with a person online/in fandom circles, i just wanna say that ella and kate’s interactions are still so super relatable. the shooting messages, the starting random conversations and getting a little thrill when you see someone liking your personal post or whatever. it’s very wholesome. 

- also, at the end of episode 1, kate goes on about how “yeah, fanfic is kinda odd, but it led me...to you” and it was so soft and gentle you just know your heart is gonna melt huh 

- at one point, kate decides to be vulnerable via vent post about something that came up on the show (and oh god yeah i feel...things. kate relates very hard to one character in the tv show she’s following, and tbh,,,yeah. i can’t quite word it right now, but i think anyone who feels kinda.....stuck? would relate.) 

- the “EXACTLY ONE PERSON ASKED FOR THIS ESSAY SO HERE IT IS” please

- also oh :’)))) kate talks about ella’s playlists and when i tell you i squeaked a little bit because oh hey--

- anyways lol yes can you relate to like,,,posting a vent post and forgetting to delete it and being mildly horrified (but also mildly touched) when someone actually responds?

- ella’s very sweet, just responds with “seems like one of my favorite fandom people needed a pick-me-up” and :’))) i would die for ella! (i mean, i would die for all the characters) 

- okay yes also all the bits where ella and kate scream at each other about fic. very relatable, very real, you can tell that the writers of this podcast really knew this feeling, and i just :’)))

- THE TWO DEBATE OVER TITLES,,,,,kate keeps sending in crack-y titles and also song lyrics, and ella comments on “well,,,i just read this whole wikipedia page, so i think i’ve lost the high ground”, so if y’all KNOW i started laughing at that 

- also LMAOOOO the moment when conversation diverts from fic and fandom to slightly more personal things! kate being like “oh,,,,,you have an actual job! like,,,you’re an actual adult and.....how’s that?” and then quickly rambling on via message “actually let me change the topic because that’s probably too personal”...

- okay so there’s this bit where ella drops the fact that she’s never read anne of green gables because “listen,,,,you have an ex-girlfriend who sang the anne of green gables musical all the time--” and kate’s “.......ex-girlfriend? you had an ex-girlfriend? girl--” (and BACKSPACING ALL OF THAT because “god i’m such a freak”) 

- much gay disaster

- so much gay disaster

- opportunity for kate and ella to meet irl comes up! at a fan convention! in toronto! (and kate lives in bc). kate’s best friend (remember, internship one?) invited kate over to toronto for this thing anyways, and then ella posts something about “heeeey i’m gonna be in the area so if anyone wants to meet up for the fan convention...” 

- let me just say......kate chucking her phone across the room because she freaked out about that. again. very cool, very nicely done, very relatable, etc. 

- ALSO,,,,i forget if this was one of kate or ella’s fics or if it was the actual tv show, but there’s this tidbit where the characters in the literal fandom has this conversation: 

“don’t waste your time.” 

“what?” 

“don’t waste your time on me.” 

and the way that reflects kate’s feelings-but-she’s-not-trying-to-think-about-it for ella please let me just die here

- okay, so kate does decide to message ella about the meet-up, and let me just tell you, kate’s inner monologue about the worst possibilities for ella’s responses: 

“1. no response. which is terrible. 

2. you find out you’re not wanted after all. :(((((

3. the most terrifying response of all.......” (an enthusiastic “yes i’m so glad we can meet up!!!”) 

- well, of course ella responds with #3. 

- gay disaster kate not knowing how to acknowledge her feelings for ella...she goes on this “you don’t wanna come across as....y’know because if they suspect that....y’know.....and like, i don’t....y’know--” oh my god kate 

- anyways, kate works at a coffeeshop, right? and her co-worker stewart (nonbinary pansexual co-worker! we love to see the rep!!) being like “oh yeah maybe you can bring over your friend!” and kate panicking because “ohhhhh i’m not too sure about that,,,,she’s,,,,,,,,,busy......” (ie. the awkward moment of having to explain that,,,,,,your online friend isn’t exactly someone you’ve met in real life,,,,,,,,and not sure exactly how to explain that so you just,,,,,,“ohhhh uhhh......y’know...............it’s really hard to.......get her out of.....work.....” 

- kate and ella video-chatting for the first time is very cute, very gay. very gay. 

- they swap “how’d you know you were gay / liked girls” stories :’))) 

- “that’s a cute story!” “you’re a cute story” [awkward silence] “please let me hide under the desk now” (have i mentioned that kate’s  a disaster? i love her, but you’re a disaster. we need to be best friends.)

- kate.....describing herself as “irl fanfic disaster waiting to happen” and the whole “i didn’t know we were actually dating until she asked if she could kiss me” lmaoooooooooo (but okay yes this is also a mood? like,,,,,,idk something about heteronormative standards so like,,,,,it’s so stupidly hard to figure out if a girl is flirting with you or if they’re just being nice i am glad kate’s such a disaster) 

- in other news: kate’s “how tf do i write a kiss scene i don’t like the word lips ughhhhHHHHH” (yeah, mood kate) 

- lmao stewart (kate’s co-worker!) just chilling with kate and being like “oh yeah i figured you had a girlfriend? the one you’re talking about? ella?” and kate blanking because “wait you thought ella was my girlfriend? she’s not....uhhh....” and then later drinking with stewart and rambling about ella and panicking because “what if she realizes i can’t talk about anything except this tv show what if she thinks i laugh too loud what if i have horrific body odor what if she realizes i have NOTHING to say what if our meeting goes SO terribly that i need to deactivate and change my name just so i could like her posts at 3 am” and then her small “please forget i said any of that” 

- oh kate :(((( 

- kate :((((((

- k a t e :(((((((((((((((((((

- anyways, kate does go to toronto. 

- meets ella. 

- very cute. 

- ella...........very gay. they go into a coffeeshop and kate doesn’t know what to do. 

- okay but what’s hilarious is that ella,,,,,seems so cool and suave and i too would be kind of intimidated by her but then these two idiots really talk about writing kissing scenes and the build-up and ella’s voice gets all,,,,,,suggestive and there’s this.....awkward gay silence between the two oh my GOD they’re both IDIOTS 

- also okay yes kate and whitney, a irl friend, having a heart-to-heart. good. we love that. also, whitney being like “I MISSED YOU!!! YOU IDIOT!!!! and i’m glad you have a new friend, and you’re happy, but I MISSED YOU!!! I HATE THIS CITY AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!!!” (whitney is also very relatable. ily whitney.) 

- they’re so cute. they hug, and it’s sweet :’)) also, then kate says in a stupidly small voice “i think i’m....kinda in love with [ella]?” and whitney being best supportive friend-- 

- OKAY so we finally get an episode of ella’s perspective 

- listen, you’re gonna think ella’s this cool, suave person who has all her own gayness put together (i mean, she kinda knew since she was 9 or 10 years old? she’s had a girlfriend? she seems like she has her life together? she’s waiting to get into grad school? she has a job? she just seems....cool and knows what she’s doing). 

- but then you realize. ella is just as much a pining mess. (her bullet point list/schedule in her head is so relatable. as someone who uses her notes and reminders app religiously, that was just :’))) 

- ella: reasons why this is not a date. and then....kate sends a message. (ella: reason why this....might be a date....kate keeps saying stuff like...that.) 

- kate rehearsing how to tell ella that she maybe kinda likes her? very cute. (”you know the feeling in your chest when....uh, you know when you feel like you have a frog in your stomach--oh god not the frog NOT the frog”) 

- the love confession is very cute, and also very relatable. “i like you a lot” “i like you too!” “no i mean,,,,like i like you. wait. which like do you mean? wait that’s not english. uh. what did you say?” 

- kate’s “I HAD A WHOLE DRAMATIC FANFIC CONFESSION PLANNED OUT” 

- kate and ella just spilling everything made me :’))) 

- “i like how your brain works” “i made so many posts hoping that you would just talk to me” “you always make me laugh” “you just make me feel...better” “you make me smile” 

- “this whole summer you’ve been making me smile and i guess it kind of freaked me out? ...i don’t know where my life is going but if i have a choice, i want to go in any direction you’re going because you are cute and smart and amazing and i like you a lot, ella. like that. so yeah. that’s what i was thinking i’d say.” 

- i essentially explaine dthe whole plot but 

- i love this podcast a lot

- it was very sweet

- and very cute

- very wlw 

- i don’t even mind that i almost got hit by a car while i was running and listening to this it was worth it 

- idk. just like. anyone who’s ever read or written fic or just like...not necessarily fallen in love with another person? but at least relating to that feeling of “oh god i am not qualified to talk to this person” and “oh god what if they realize i’m actually,,,,a loser” and “oh god wait how to friend” can probably hit a lot of people

- but that said. the romance was very cute, very sweet, makes me :’))) 

- okay i’ll stop talking now but i just. it’s very cute, very relatable, i wish we had a season 2 but i think it’s a limited series. (but they’re living rent free in my head! forever!)

[mercyxkilling]

[ ♛ ] send me a url and i'll tell you...

@emptyvictory said: ♛ + my url if we're copying each other? Lol

[ ♛ ] send me a url and i'll tell you the following;

my opinion on;

character in general: oh my god. niko bellic. i can’t explain to you the love affair that i have with this sassy ass motherfucker of a man and how much i want to hold him close and tell him that he’s good enough, though i bet he’d shove me away and tell me to never do that shit again and that i’m weird for doing it at all. he’s got such an amazing duality to him that i am in love with because like. yeah, he’ll fucking kill a buncha dudes, but then he’ll have a conversation in the car with a buddy about how he’s okay with saving some lives or some shit. he’s known to play peacemaker for some, but he’s also willing to smash a cameraman’s face in by kicking his foot through his skull because he doesn’t want to be on manny’s show. then when manny dies he says some callous ass shit about it and then goes about his business like nothing happened. niko is such a good man, he really is, but he’s also not at the same time, and is capable of doing such awful things. characters like that have always had a special place in my heart, and niko is no different. that accent helps an awful lot, too, lemme tell ya. it gives ya girl the vapors. *fans self* which is funny because i don’t actually find the man to be conventionally attractive, but all of that stuff i mentioned above? i mean... i’d let him touch me. i can’t lie.  how they play them: now, rory, i know we’ve had this discussion before, but i’m going to say it again (to fuel your ego because i absolutely love doing that because i want you to feel as special as you truly are, and just because this is how i actually feel and i want to keep being honest about this stuff because secrets don’t make friends!!): if there were anyone else behind the wheel here taking charge of this slavic badass, i’m not so sure i’d even be interested in trying to have a thread with them at all. you bring such a take to this man that i cannot truly explain with words in an adequate way that could do you and what you do with him any justice. it’s just... an experience. and it’s an experience that i have loved from the moment we started all the way up till now, and i know i’ll feel the same way (and still quite as strongly!!) with anything and everything that we do in the future, be it with threads or asks or things in discord or just nonsensical little back-and-forths that we share once in a while when the mood strikes us. i love everything that we’ve done/are doing/will do, and i cannot fully describe to you just how much more i still want to have with you. i’m like mercy is with niko apparently; i’m fucking insatiable with these two. they’ve somehow become my OTP and that’s truly saying something since the last one i had lasted forever (all the way up to this point tbh--the one i told you about with my RDR verse where mercy and jack were supposed to get married? like, it’s managed to override even THAT one in my heart, that’s how much these two mean to me). i will never tire of niko x mercy content, i will ALWAYS want to hear your ideas about them, i will ALWAYS want to hear any ideas that you have for them--no matter how big or or how small they might seem, i will ALWAYS want to hear any ideas you might have for AUs with these two... i mean. i think you get the picture, yeah? BUT IF YOU DON’T COME FIND ME ON DISCORD AND I’LL GLADLY ELABORATE EVEN MORE IF YOU WANT, BECAUSE I COULD TALK ABOUT THESE FUCKERS FOR HOURS. I MEAN, YOU KNOW THAT I ALREADY HAVE, SO DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME HERE, LMAOOOO. the mun: oh god, rory. ohgodohgodohgod. there are so many things that i want to say here, but i feel like you’ve heard me say them a thousand times already. i just... i want to make sure that you know that i love you, first and foremost. a lot of folks seem to think i throw the word ‘love’ around far too freely, but i very much beg to differ; i only use it when i truly mean it and when it truly means something to me. do with that knowledge what you will. you are such a treasure to me, and i can’t tell you how happy i am that you’re apart of my life and how much i wish we lived closer to one another so we could be silly together and i could actually ruffle your hair and give you platonic forehead smooches and wish you a good day at school each morning and then see you after classes and ask you about your day and talk to you about anything and everything as we sat side by side and watched some garbage like ancient aliens or played some ridiculous video games together while coming up with scenarios, both of us being like “oh my god, could you imagine if niko and mercy ____ together???” and things like that. but even if we aren’t closer, it doesn’t make me value your time that you give to me any less, and it doesn’t make me love the time that we spend talking with one another any less, either. i adore you so fucking much. i just... i just really, really, really love you, and i wish i could show you that better than just with some writing or a crappy doodle here and there you know? you deserve such good things. all the good things in life, in fact, and i wish i were capable of giving them to you. but i hope that you know that i truly am grateful for your presence in my life, i can’t imagine my experience here (or away from here and over on discord instead!) without you, as you’ve become such an integral part of my experience on this hellsite. niko and mercy are my OTP, and i’m yours for as long as you’ll have me, and you are very much stuck with me!

do i;

follow them: bitch, please. of fucking course i do. i can’t imagine not following rory. rp with them: as much as i possibly can and hopefully then some; i can’t get enough of niko and any other characters they want to introduce me to that they think mercy could mesh well with... or that she couldn’t mesh well with and yet could still make an amazing dynamic all the same. :P want to rp with them: are... are you illiterate? YES. ALL THE TIME. ALL DAY, ERRYDAY.  ship their character with mine: one more time, for those in the back, and with feeling!: YES, YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES. i am so, so, so grateful that niko is part of mercy’s narrative (and honestly, i may even make it so that he’s part of her actual main backstory, that’s how much their relationship means to me and how much it’s allowed me to see her in so many different ways).

what is my;

overall opinion: holy shit i love you and i love niko and i love the way you play him and i love the way you really show his duality and i love the way he learned to respect mercy and how that respect turned to admiration and the way that admiration turned to full on attraction and how that attraction turned to awkward dating but not dating and how that awkward dating but not dating eventually turned into actual dating and how that led to mercy finally kissing him and how that kiss made him feel relief more than anything else but then how all of that turned into something even more awkward and how that led to mercy realizing finally how much she actually truly loved him despite never having been in love and despite the hurt that it caused and the way they both dealt with it (two hardened killers acting like BABIES omggggg) until finally, finally they were able to come to terms with it and are now left wondering where they’re supposed to go from here since they’ve never done anything like this before... AND ALL THE AUs WE COULD HAVE AND HOW THAT COULD END UP FOR THEM BOTH HAS ME SO FUCKING EXCITED BECAUSE WE COULD GET A CHANCE TO SEE THEM BEHAVE IN A DIFFERENT WAY LIKE WHAT IF THEY START OUT HATING EACH OTHER BUT HAVE A MUTUAL ATTRACTION BECAUSE NIKO’S LIKE ‘GODDAMN THIS BITCH IS STACKED BUT SHE’S GOT SUCH A MOUTH ON HER UGH’ OR MAYBE THE RDR AU COULD HAVE SOME STRIFE BETWEEN THEM SINCE MERCY RUNS WITH HER POSSE AND COULD POSSIBLY END UP HITTING A TARGET THAT HE PLANNED TO OR OR OR OMG THE POSSIBILITIES RORY OMFG THERE ARE JUST SO FUCKING MANY and i just can’t wait to experience them all with you and your interpretation of niko because it’s just so fucking good and they’re such a good couple and have such an amazing dynamic that have them both behaving in ways that sometimes are predictable but in others leave me reeling for days like ‘holy shit that actually fucking happened??’ and THAT, my friend, is the sign of a good writing partner. and that is exactly what you are to me, amongst many, many other things. <3 i love you so very much and while i know you’ve had a rough go of it lately, i wish you all the best with it, know that i’m here for you if you should need me for ABSOLUTELY anything you might need (whether it’s to talk/vent, write you silly drabbles, or draw you things), and know that you’ll always, always, ALWAYS have my support through whatever you’re going through. though part of me knows that you know that you don’t need it because you’re so fucking strong and capable of absolutely anything that you put your mind do.

i love you, boo. never forget that. please.

**Note: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty.

[asocier]

🎰 (you can add Yua too for a little variety)

( five random connections; not accepting! )

Cedric & Yua

          yua probably wouldn’t like cedric on account of how he’s just an asshole sometimes to be an asshole. he’s very sarcastic and will act like he’s better than everyone around him for the most part unless you stick around him for a long time for whatever reason, but usually that doesn’t happen unless someone’s taken a romantic interest in him or really vibes with his personality, which i don’t think would happen with yua especially the first bc of obvious reasons lajsdlkas — i don’t think he would be outwardly rude towards yua, but i feel like yua just knowing how cedric can act to others would really annoy her, so she might not vibe with him at all.  

Emile & Akihito

          i remember this pairing coming up before on my old blog! i still think this dynamic would be really sweet, like emile isn’t brash or anything and is very much a good, proper, nice boy. i think akihito would enjoy emile’s company during studies or work, and since they both work ( more or less ) an office job, they could hang out and do after work activities like go to dinner or grab some drinks. it’d be a nice dynamic, and if things kept going well, i’m sure they could end up in something beyond a platonic relationship! i still remember us talking about akihito showing emile around japan and fulfilling emile’s wanderlust side, so that’d be a way for them to get close tbh!

Nate & Akihito

          absolutely not lmaoooo i always think nate is such a difficult character to get along with, and i feel like akihito is very opposite from how nate carries himself. well, sort of — both nate and aki have their laziness that can affect their work, and nate also just has such a weird work schedule that his sleep patterns are all sorts of fucked, so they’re not drastically different. in some ways, akihito and nate share some common ground, but i don’t think it’d be enough for them to actually want to get along with each other or for them to cross paths enough. i feel like nate would be that guy in college akihito would not be able to stand lmaoooo like he’s that loud party boy, the guy who’s always the center of attention, the guy who’s always displaying pda with whoever he’s with at the time — a big contrast to how akihito is in college based on what i’ve seen with leah!

Grace & Yua

          i think this one could be cute! i always like imagining grace hanging out with good role models older than her, and i feel like yua would be a really good friend for grace to have around in her life. yua’s so sweet and tries her best, and i feel like she just has this energy that would make grace want to hang out with her a lot. it’s possible they meet at the maid cafe yua works at, like if grace’s friends wanted to swing by there to see what the hype was about because, you know, that’s just what high schoolers do, and it’s an environment that’s so different from what grace allows herself to experience on a normal basis that it’s probably like always a treat for grace to come in by herself an enjoy the ambience. so maybe yua just recognizes her and they kind of start hanging out outside of hours too to experience more cute things and have more fun because grace is very uptight!! it’d be a cute sisterly dynamic i think, i’m for it. show her there’s more to life than academics, yua!!

Aito & Akihito

          i wonder whether akihito would find aito annoying once he really got to know aito lmaoooo aito has the ability to carry himself well in a professional setting, like he’s very polite and mature when he needs to be to the point where like you’d never think aito would be the biggest memelord until you really see aito when he’s most at ease. overall though, even when he’s not messing around and shitposting, aito is a very approachable and well-mannered. good humored dude, very chill and likes to make people around him laugh and smile. i think theres’s a chance akihito and aito would get along very well, maybe over the fact they both call japan home even though aito lived most of his life in california. there’s some potential here!

Alison & Yua

          another one i remember us talking about before! i think the potential still stands since alison and yua are both soft and sweet, though both of them also know when to put their foot down when they need to. i think an interesting dynamic would be a roommate situation because i love giving alison new roommates but also it’d let them see each other a lot even if they aren’t dating! yua would be able to see alison try to figure things out with work and on the same vein, alison would get to see yua deal with her own struggles at work and also trying to balance out school at the same time. i know ali would be supportive of yua trying to finish school, and she definitely understands how shitty it is to be objectified by others on the job, so yua could vent all she wanted while ali lended her an ear tbh

[skiasurveys]

437

THE BASICS

Name   skia

Gender female

Age 23

Screen Name skiasurveys

Birthday dec 5

Race  white

School/Grade n/a

Job rather not say

Status taken

Hometown RD

Current Town n/a

Parents Still Together? they would be if my dad didnt die.

Siblings one younger sister

Pets  2 cats <3 

Smoker no

Drinker  socially

Virgin no

Orientation  straight

APPEARANCE

Hair Color brown

Is It Dyed? no

Eye Color dark brown

Height 5 feet

Style i dont know what to describe my style...

Glasses/Contacts/None? none

Freckles none

Body Type  average? pear shape

Shoe Size 6 us female

Piercings  none

Want More? n/a

Tattoos? none

Want More? n/a

Braces? i had when i was 14

Overall Best Feature: my eyes idk

Overall Worst Feature: hair or stomach hahaha

Do you get most of your traits from mom or dad? both tbh

LIKES/DISLIKES

Favorite Color green

Worst Color orange

Favorite Number 28

Favorite Animal wolf

Least Favorite Animal monkey

Favorite Flower roses

Favorite Food meat balls n rice

Worst Food tofu

Favorite Junk Food candy or chips

Worst Junk Food idk haha

Favorite Restaraunt earls

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor mint

Favorite Candy starbursts

Favorite Alcoholic Drink blue hawaii or just straight rum

Favorite NON Alcoholic Drink pepsi

Worst Alcoholic Drink gin

Worst NON Alcoholic Drink mountain dew

Favorite Genre of Music classic rock

Worst Genre country or rap

Favorite Band/Artist queen

Worst Band/Artist justin bieber

Favorite Song somebody to love

Worst Song idk

Favorite Radio Station don’t listen to the radio much

Favorite Book the art of racing in the rain

Worst Book twilight

Favorite Type of Movie animation lol

Worst Type of Movie war or money type

Favorite Movie the lion king 1994

Worst Movie Ever twilight lol

Favorite TV Show this is us

Wost TV Show idk

Favorite Season of the Year fall

Worst Season winter

Best Friend jennifer

Worst Enemy maybe kim or alan

Favorite Day of the Week doesn’t matter to me currently

Least Favorite Day of the Week ^

Favorite Sport volleyball

Sport You Hate football

One thing you cant get enough of internet lmaoooo

One thing you hate more than anything idk

LOVE LIFE

Are You Single? no

If not, who is your bf/gf? connor

How Long Have You Been Together? 4 years and 1 month lol

Do You Have a Crush On Anyone Right Now? currently my bf i guess haha

First Kiss brandon

Ever Kiss in the Rain? no

In a Movie Theater? yeah

Underwater? no haha

First Love idk i wanna say connor

Have you ever Cheated on Anyone? no

Been Cheated on? i think so

Used Someone? not intentionally

Been used? yeah

Lied to your bf/gf? white lies

Ever Made out With Just a Friend? no

Do you Flirt a Lot? with my bf

Longest Relationship the one i am in rn 4 years

Shortest 1 month lol

Have you Ever Gotten a Poem? no

Ever Get Flowers? yeah

Do you Believe in Love at First Sight? no i don’t think you can fall in love that quick

Do you Believe in "The One"? yeah

Do you Fall in Love Fast? not rly but once i do i fall hard

Ever cried over someone of the opposite sex? of course

Ever Been Dumped? yeah

Ever dumped someone? yes twice

Ever been rejected? yeah but never where i asked someone out then they said no usually just like we didn’t work out lol

Ever dated someone more than once? yes

Do you ever make the first move? sometimes

Double dates or single? single

Do you want to get married? i guess

Hair Color brown

Short or long? short only a few dudes can pull off long

Eye color? brown

Style good lmao i don’t care but should be good and nice haha

Age my age or a bit older but not too much

Height tall lol

Weight doesn’t rly matter

Muscular or skinny? muscular

Boxers or Breifs? i don’t care

Do you care about looks? yes but it’s not super important

OTHER QUESTIONS

Can you drive? yes

Do you have a car? yup

Do you have a cell phone? yes iphone 8

Are you online a lot? yuppppp

Can you speak another language? nah

Do you do well in school? i try my best

Do you collect anything? no

Have an obsession? always hahaha it changes

Do you hate yourself? yeah oops

Ever smile for no reason? sure

Talk to yourself? yup

Do you have any regrets? yeah i do..

Believe in magick? nah

Do you support gay marriage? of course

Sex before marriage? yeah do what you want

Do you trust people easily? hmmm no

Forgive easily? no

Do you have a secret no one knows? yeah

Do you get along with your parents? yeah

What about other people? usually

How do you vent your anger? i make art

Do you like George Bush? no

Goal Before you die? travel to iceland

Biggest Fear suffocation

Biggest Weakness it depends maybe that’s i am too kind

Do you play an instrument? no

What do you want to be when you grow up? idk

PERSONALITY TRAITS

Are you...

A daydreamer? yes

Shy? yup

Talkative? sometimes... hehe

Energetic? no

Happy? no

Depressed? yeah

Funny? i’ve been told i am

Boring? yesh

Mean? no

Nice? yes

Caring? too much

Trustworthy? i guess

Confident? not rly

Friendly? yes

Smart? nahhhh

Sarcastic? yup

Dependable? yes

Quiet? i can

Weird? yeah ahha

Adaptable? no

Strong (emotionally)? i think

Strong (physically)? nah

Mature? ye

Logical? yes

Religious? kinda

Modest? yes

Indesicive? yup lol

Sympathetic? very

Polite? always

Creative? i think ya

Fun to be around? i hope lmaoo

Loveable? idk

Easily Amused? sure

Outgoing? kinda

Daring? nooo

Clumsy? YEP

Nosy? yep

Lazy? i can be

Scary? i don’t think so lol

Optimistic? nooo

Persuasive? yes

A good listener? yes

Curious? yes

Determined? yes

Artistic? yup

Honest? yup

Respectful? yup

Concieted? no

Cocky? no

Controlling? not rly

Playful? yes

Easygoing? yes

Carefree? no

Hot Headed? no

Serious? i can be

Thoughtful? yes

Considerate? yup

Stubborn? nah

Romantic? yes

Ambitious? meh

Jealous? yeah unfortunately

Insecure? yes

Obsessive? yghhh no

Attentive? yes

Helpful? i try

Punctual? Always on time

Rational? sometimes lol

Sincere? yes

Tolerant? yes

GOODBYE

Did you enjoy this survey? yes

Was it too long? nah

Do you think it contained just about everything? yes

[345pm]

I did, it y’all! I fucking asked him out & guess what he said? “I’ll think about it.” JDSKSKSK. Okay, lemme start from the beginning.

So, I listened to my friends & decided that I would ask him out when I saw him. Usually, he’s @ work a lot earlier than me, but I didn’t see him for most of the day so I just thought he wasn’t coming in. I was in the back where he works so I was talking to a woman when he walked past me & I was like “omf” & the woman looked @ me. Y’all, my heart was beating so fast & my hands were literally shaking. I could still breathe, but my breathing was off af. This other woman was standing with me & told me to take deep breaths to calm me down lol. I deadass vented to two strangers bc I was that shook. Lol!

I kept trying to talk to him but he was working. Lots of customers were around me & my supervisor decided to stand in front of me & fucking watch me interact with customers for like 5 minutes. Loooool. So, then, he was behind me stocking the freezer cooler, & I was about to get off the floor. I wanted to break the ice a little bit so it wouldn’t be so awkward. Haha. I asked if he was closing again & he said yeah. We laughed about something he said & he got back to work. He finished & he was about to walk off, but I was like “bitch, it’s now or never! Go ask your mans out!”

I started off by asking if he was single. He said yeah so I asked if he wanted to go out sometime, like get something to eat or something? He said he’d think about it. Now, we all know what 9/10 when someone says they’ll think about it, it’s a no. JDSKSKSK. I thought he was just trying to let me down easily, so I was like, “it’s okay if you want to say no. I’ll understand if you don’t want to. It’s cool,” His responds with, “no, no, it’s not a no. I just have to think about it. I’m nervous & shy. I wasn’t expecting this & you made my day,” Lemme tell y’all, a bitch was shooooook. I was like “awwwwwwh.” I felt stupid after saying that. Lmaooooo. I told him how I was nervous af too & that I wasn’t trying to stare @ him like a weirdo, but I thought he was really cute & decided to shoot my shot. We laughed @ that part, but idk if he knew what that meant. Lmfaoo. I told him “okay. I’m always in here,” I think he got what I meant though.

How about I was so nervous that I forgot to tell him my name! I don’t think he knows it @ all. Loooool. I realized that after I had walked off @ I felt like an idiot af. We had already parted ways so after I finished cleaning, I go the fuck up out of dodge, bitch. Lmfaoooooo. I skedaddled my black ass out of there so fast bc I was embarrassed. Of course I didn’t leave before telling my friend the teaaaa. Okurrrrrr!

She was so happy for me. Lmao. We got some advice from a woman that’s a little older than us, but she’s engaged. Told her everything that happened & she thinks that he’s probably just really shy. Probably wants to talk to someone like his mom, friend, or someone about what he should do. Makes sense to me bc I had to go to my friends before making the choice to shoot my shot. Lol.

I can’t believe I manned up & asked his fine ass out. Neverrrrrr in my life been that bold before. I mean, it was a big step for me bc I’ve never asked a guy out never. Never had a boyfriend, sex, first kiss, or anything.

I was even thinking about buying a new outfit for our “date” if he says yes. I have no idea where we’d eat though lol. I thought maybe Outback Steakhouse, but idk if he’s vegan or vegetarian, yk? Or somewhere we both haven’t been before?

I’ve been smiling since I got home from work lol. Another friend of mine thinks I came on too strong & fast. She says that I should’ve waited before asking him out. Tried to start friendly convos first. I said fuck thaaaaaat. Maybe she was right or maybe she wasn’t. Sometimes, you gotta be up front & say what’s really on yah mind. Nah mean? I don’t regret my choice. Lol. I’m glad I asked him out & hopefully, he’ll say yes. He’s white btw & I’m black. I hope he actually likes black girls. JDSKSKS. He didn’t look disgusted when I asked tho but I guess that doesn’t mean anything?

I’m off for the next 2 days, so maybe he’ll have an answer by then. I wanted to ask for his number, but I felt like he’d flat out say no to that. I didn’t want to put too much on him, yk? Me asking him out was already a lot for him. Lmaoooo. Shit, it was a lot for the both of us. Can’t give mans a heart attack. Lol.

Well, I’m schleepy & imma take a shower. Probably not going to sleep, but idk. Big day tomorroooooow. G’night yall (: wish me luuuuuuuck! Imma let y’all know what he says. Let’s hope it’s a yes. Lol.

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

can you do a headcanon where riley stays with eric for like a summer?

absolutely

Okay so 9th grade is drawing to a close and Riley’s a bit of an emotional mess

She’s just officially dumped Lucas after a few months of him being a shitty boyfriend and leaving her confused

She’s been picking up hints that Farkle’s actually interested in her, and by now she knows how she feels about him, but the dummy is still dating Isadora and hasn’t outright said anything so she’s just upset and confused about that whole situation

Her self-esteem is at an all time low, she’s fighting with Topanga more and more, she doesn’t want to talk about most of that with Maya and that’s causing them to fight a little

Basically she’s just back in ‘tired’ mode you feel

So Cory picks up on this and knows she just needs a general break so he starts looking up like if there’s any sleep away camps for her but he’s not finding anything he thinks she’d be thrilled with

And he does this for a while and just mentions it in passing to Eric (bc Eric knew something was up with her and wanted details) and Eric’s just like “dude I’m gonna be in DC for most of the summer and they’re running this program where high school kids can intern for their state’s senators. I’m SURE I could pull some strings and get Riley in”

And Cory thinks that sounds perfect bc he knows Riley misses being close to Eric and it’d be a great way for her to just forget about everything back home for two months and learn some things about politics while she’s at it

Topanga is sold because she thinks it would look great for college and job resumes

So one day after a particularly horrid day at school, during which she overheard 10 different classmates wonder when lucaya would get together now that Riley’s not ‘holding him back’, Smackle announced it was her and Farkle’s one year anniversary, and she accidentally toppled a pyramid during cheer practice, this girl is fucking done. She just wants to sleep. But Eric appears from the shadows and drags her off to dinner at some fancy restaurant

Like she appreciates the gesture but she’s not feeling it Topanga dead ass had to get a dress and shove her into the bathroom lmao

But anyway they get there and have a nice dinner. It’s literally just mostly Riley venting about all her problems while Eric nod’s and “no” ‘s appropriately

But sometime during dessert he just out of the blue “hey you wanna live with me this summer?”

This man has no tact there was no build up Riley was caught so off guard omfg

But he explains the whole internship thing, and he’s like “You’re a model student and I already spoke to the head of the program, they have no problem giving you the spot. I’ve got this big place in DC and Jack’s only going to be able to come by sporadically because of the company so that leaves plenty of time for uncle/niche bonding when I’m not at work. You’d get to meet a bunch of new kids your age, and I’m sure all the Smivy League colleges you’re shooting for will think this is great. You won’t have to focus on any drama with your friends until August. So, I’ll give you a few days to think about it? You know you can call me whenev-”

But Riley’s already shouting “YES!!!!” at the top of her lungs and lowkey tearing up omfg she’s so happy about this

Eric was not expecting this enthusiastic of a response but Riley’s hugging him and seems genuinely happy and excited for the first time all night so he’s thrilled

Okay, so she had to leave to be in DC about a week before her school actually got out. (Technically two, if you count the three days for exams) Cory worked it out so she took all her exams early on the weekend before she left

And Riley was like “Now, I could be mature about this and tell all my friends about this…Or I could be me and just up and leave with absolutely no warning and not give them any solid explanations unless I’m feeling better in August.”

She decides to go with that and swears Cory and Topanga and Auggie to secrecy lmao

Like literally the gang walks into History class one day and they’re all “Wtf where the hell is Riley she’s never absent” and Cory’s just like “Oh she moved to Washington please turn to page 394.”

You can imagine the reactions that got lmaoooo

So anyway, Riley’s in awe of Eric’s place in DC cause it’s so big and fancy

She doesn’t have to do anything her first day there so he sets her up with someone to take her on a tour of all the important buildings and stuff and she meets a couple of other intern kids so she has fun

And then when she actually starts the intern job it’s literally basically just following him around to take notes at meetings and getting messages to other senators and making coffee. She doesn’t find it that much of a hassle and really gets to know some of the other kids pretty well

They all have relatively the same grades and college aspirations as her and she’s like!!! Finally!!! People who are as smart as me but not obnoxiously condescending about it as Farkle and Smackle!!!

OR Finally!!!! People who seem to like me and not find any parts of me too annoying like Lucas and Maya!!!

Or Finally!!! People who don’t make me feel like they’re only talking to me out of convenience like Zay!!!

Like obviously Riley still adores her friends, she always will, but this was like a big eye opener that not every single person in the world is going to view her in the same way her friends and family do.

 And that really helped with her self-esteem a bit. Did it also help that Maya wasn’t there so she could constantly feel overshadowed? Yes. Like, she knows Maya’s in her life for eternity, but having a couple months to learn to thrive without her was really helpful for Riley. Same with not having Topanga try to nit-pick everything she does, or Cory constantly worrying over her, or things like that.

Eric was a pretty chill guardian. He gave her space to grow and try to figure things out about herself, he had no problem with her hanging out with the other internship kids. He let her dye the ends of her hair purple (which she pulled into a bun during work hours to look more professional), she got another ear piercing, she started playing guitar again which she hadn’t really consistently done in years (Eric had somehow ended up with one of Alan’s old ones, but he never used it despite his talent for it lol. Riley found it in a space room when she was exploring around one day since Eric and Jack went for dinner)

And Riley loves spending all this time with Eric again. Since he was around daily in her early childhood, and she had never completely taken well to him moving out. While they stayed close through the years there was just something different about it, you know? So hanging out with him every day made her happy and feel a lot more carefree.

He took her out for lunch every day unless he had to work through it, they saw movies whenever they could, he let her drag him onto a couple horrid shopping trips (with all the pink he was starting to have war flashbacks to Desire lol), her Instagram was flooded with cute selfies of them, they ate way too much pizza because cooking will never be Eric’s strong spot, he took her to see a musical one night. They were having a lot of fun.

And Eric was just thrilled bc Riley was deadass thriving like she was so on top of everything for work and was always having fun with the other interns. She was back to huge, bright smiles never leaving her face, there was a bounce in her step at all times, she joked around a lot and everyone at the office adored her.

Riley, true to plan, barely spent any time worrying about any drama she had back home. She was living in the moment and being happy. She occasionally shot her friends short updates like “Having so much fun here! Can’t talk right now, too busy, but can’t wait to see you guys when I get back!” but that was basically all the thought she was giving them. This was a summer of having fun and focusing on herself and her own shit and that’s what she was committed to doing

There were a few instances where Eric and Jack had her go through everything that was upsetting her, just so she doesn’t go back and just immediately fall back into those situations.

Conclusions she came to:

1) She was absolute on her feelings for Farkle, and felt she had dropped enough hints alluding to them. The boy and Smackle had officially broken up sometime in late June, and after all the drama of Lucas being such a passive boyfriend, she demanded that Farkle would have to be smart enough to make the first move.

2) She needed to stop being so symbiotic with Maya, or else she will never escape feeling overshadowed by her. She was sorta getting there with cheerleading, but she shouldn’t let devotion to her friend stop her from joining other clubs she wanted to, like physics club or sci fi club or drama club or GSA or student council or film club or the basketball team or a book club. She just needed some space away from Maya in places she knew she’d enjoy and shine in.

3) She already knew she was completely over Lucas Friar’s ass, but she needed to stop listening to her obnoxious classmates gossip about them. They had no real idea of anything that went on between them, so whatever they have to say shouldn’t effect her

4) Her grades were just as good as Farkle and Smackle’s, and she was going to make damn sure they remembered that when school started back up. She was sick of being made to feel like an idiot just because she didn’t laude her grades over everyone (however unintentionally the duo were doing that). She knew Farkle was mostly better considering she had floored him when she turned out to tutor him in math earlier in the year, so her main focus was just beating Smackle at like every test she could lol. It might be slightly petty but what else do you want from a 15 year old?

5) She was going to sit down and have a LONG talk with Topanga about how she makes her feel.

6) She is going to remain in contact with all her new friends from across the country and make more in the clubs she’s planning on joining. Her little group is still who she feels closest to and she has no plans on ditching them, but she still wants to branch out and not feel dependent on people who don’t feel dependent on her. She doesn’t want to feel dependent on ANYBODY.

And various other ideas on just how to keep herself sane and happy. Eric is extremely proud of her for all this yes he cries a bit

She also has a brief fling with one of the other interns and they both know it’s not serious or going anywhere and tbh that kinda thrills her to just spend a few weeks kissing someone she knows she doesn’t have to feel destined to marry. Having something so non-serious like that helps her feel more like she’s growing into her own person and isn’t supposed to repeat the steps of her parents

Eric gave her a diary so she could keep a very detailed account of all she’s going through and figuring out

Did they spend a bunch of time reminiscing old memories??? Yes. Because Eric has way too many baby pictures of her lol

All in all they just really re-bonded and Riley really started blossoming during this summer. But she did eventually have to head back home.

There was a big ‘welcome back’ party planned at the bakery, and they were all expecting the Riley Matthews who left to walk through the doors right

But instead in walks Riley Matthews, who doesn’t have bags under her eyes and who seems like she’s almost glowing. Spring in her step, bright smile, purple hair, taller, not sleep deprived, looking genuinely happy to see everyone. She seems sure of herself and confident, everyone is fucking floored yo

She did throw glitter in the air for her own entrance though, so they did know their girl was in there lol

She maintains the summer spent with Eric was one of the best moves of her life Topanga and Cory are lowkey like is this an insult lol

So yeah season 4′s happening so we can get the developed and confident Riley we deserve what to you mean cancellation lmao you must have misheard

[stuprosu]

march 17th, 2020 1:50 AM

yeah

listen

it’s pretty well established that i am absolutely atrocious at keeping this updated. and i always say that i am going to keep it updated. but i never fucking do, do i? so i’ll say it again. and maybe i’ll mean it it this time. but i really do want to keep this up. there’s so much that i am forgetting lately. things i shouldn’t be forgetting. things i want to remember. this is another situation where i am going to have to outline each thing by each month. hold on to your butts. 

[october 2018] see i don’t remember even what’s going on. this is almost two years ago. i saw the national this month. i also went on a date with sam. it went fine but i just wanted to be friends... so he ghosted me. yahoo. it’s coming back to me now. i go to worlds of fun with kady, marissa, ashleigh, amanda, and conner... love these goons so much. 

[november 2018] my other friend - an online friend, one that lived close. we talked all the time and we played a lot of overwatch and shit together. and i’m intelligent. i’m smart. i know when i’m being taken advantage, or know when people try to do this. he asks me out on a date. we meet up in leavenworth. we spend the whole day together and we drink alcohol. i found out later i have a pretty severe alcohol intolerance. i don’t remember much of that night. maybe everything that falls down eventually rises. that whole experience was that stupid fucking bright eyes song. i can’t remember much - that pretty much makes it nonconsensual, right? i have no memory. but it’s been too long. the next day he texts me and tells me he only wants to be friends. i only remember him kissing me and his house and brooklyn 99. my aunt said i was pretty incoherent when he dropped me back off there at 2am. 

i don’t really know what to make of that whole situation. best to not think about it. we have a friendsgiving. but we don’t relaspe. i actually took up smoking, lmao. i cut him completely out of my life. i am talking to people again. i start dating a boy named drew. we were both pretty lonely people.

[december 2018] yooo drew gets in a fucking wreck after leaving my house at 2am lmao i forgot about that. he was trying to avoid a snowstorm and like broke his femur in half. he was hospitalized for 2 weeks. i visited him. he couldn’t walk for about two months. i felt really bad but i didn’t really want to keep dating him. the whole thing was my fault and i don’t know how to feel about it even now. nothing else much happened during this month. someone wrecked into my parked car. i got zaba this month, my ball python. 

[january 2019] kady asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. i break up with drew. it’s cold as fuck. i am sure there are other details. oh, ashleigh tells kady and i she will not be renewing the lease as she is going to move in with her boyfriend. ashleigh, in the past, like august 2018? was dating this homophobe so i didn’t talk to her. when he dumped her (after taking the old v card, which she told me about, which i responded to with indifference, which upset her) i was there to pick up the pieces but i told her she made a really dumb decision and i don’t know what else she expected and that it hurt that she knew my feelings about something and still dating someone so gross. ANYWAYS. new boyfriend. ashleigh wants to move in with the new boyfriend even though they havent even been dating a month... okay. we tell her not to. she doesn’t listen. ashleigh just starts being shady as fuck. jake , her bf, dumps after 2 weeks after she decides to not renew the lease. dumbass. 

ashleigh is still set to move out in may, when the lease is up. so, that’s not my problem. 

[february 2019] i really love my classes. i took ornithology that semester and i really loved it. i also cut my hair then and i came out publicly as bisexaul cause i realized how problematic being pansexual is. i also think i came out publicly as a nonbinary person, too. for so long i had issues with my gender, but i always pushed it aside and literally told myself don’t think about it, don’t worry about it, just stop. cringily, steven universe helped me figure out a label for what i was experiencing through rebecca sugar. pretty awesome stuff. 

[march 2019] a lot of shit went down this month. ashleigh started dating a guy named zane, who she first originally described to me as a creepy guy in her history class. they went on one date and fucked in her CAR in a museum PARKING LOT. lmao  and then proceeds to never sleep with him at our apartment, but will book hotels and shit. like how self conscious can you be?? anyways. i am fed up with it and i vent to some discord server and forgot ashleigh was in it. i delete it just in case but turns out she got screenshots and never told me. ash wanted to come to nakakon the weekend of march 16. march 15, ashleigh brings over zayn and theyre in her room. kady and conner are watching the office and marissa is there too. 

i come home at like 1am and they tell me ZAYN is there and has a fucking GUN on his hip and i’m?? what the fuck. so we start playing that episode of the office with gun safety dwight really really loudly. and then marissa messages ash and asks zayn to put the gun in his car. the gun is a REVOLVER and doesn’t have a fucking safety. she also doesnt have a gun safe? everyone is just super uncomfortable. zayn comes out and makes a huge deal. he tells us we’re being immature and that it isn’t a big deal. i said something along the lines that we live here, he didn’t ask, we’re uncomfortable, respect it or perish, smth like that. he leaves to go put it in his car. comes back in and starts it back up. says that “the big scary gun is put away” shut up cuck. 

anyways we get into and conner steps in because zayn is yelling at me and i am ready to brawl. zayn mentions something abuot how i treat ash like shit. i can only assume she showed him the screenshots of my discord message lmaoooo . anyways the day after that incident ! i cannot resolve it because ash is coming with me and staying at my dad’s apartment with marissa and i for nakakon. ashleigh is really obnoxious some of the time but mostly quiet. but since we were in such close quarters, i couldn’t bring up the whole shit with zayn. so. 

i am fed up and amanda, kady, marissa, ash, and i go to ihop to try and hash this out. we have a talking straw. we talk about alllll of our issues. i thought it went good. i was not aware that ash was aware of the screenshots. we told ash we were uncomfortable with zayn and would appreciate if he would apologize for disrespecting kady and i in our home and how he talked to me especially. this wasn’t unreasonable, considering three other people were witness to how zayn was talking to me. 

zayn said to ashleigh he wouldn;t apologize because he’d done nothing wrong. i told ashleigh i didn’t want him in the apartment. she moved out at this point and we got into it pretty heavily over messenger. ashleigh blocked all of us on facebook. i miss her but she’s a really toxic person who is in a relationship with a really toxic trump supporter who hates antifa and is really cringe. 

[april 2019] nothing much happened. college is good. i still have a massive crush on carter. marissa moved in. she has found out i am a giant recluse by nature and i think that has had an impact on our relationship even today. my past journal articles have illustrated i can only take people in doses, but we’ve found how to get along. 

[may - july 2019] nothing too crazy happened here either. it was an incredible summer, though. i worked, but i went to the lake so much and got close to toby! i hung out with marissa and kady so much and i really love those two girls. dad and amy are together all the time but they’re not “dating”. i know they are, just amy’s kids are young and wouldn’t understand. i know they’ll tell me when they’re ready. i also watched all of hunter x hunter and loved it. rewatched neon genesis evangelion, too, and loved it. i can’t remember when, but danielle handed marissa a letter for me to read. it was really intense and kind of perception-shattering. i texted her and we agreed to become at least non-hostile and chill with each other. i have really been meaning to see danielle irl and talk to her... but i keep forgetting and don’t have much time during the semester. i feel bad but... i don’t know what else to say. i reached out to her in december but was left on read. that was my fault, as i hadn’t responded to her in months. it’s better than what it was, to say the least. 

[august 2019] golden year baby ! just kidding my golden year was whenever i turned nineteen. anyways august is pretty chill. i started my senior year and took entomology. i loved that class so much and had it with carter. i really love the people in my field and i am going to miss them so much. love the biology goons. i also found out from my doctor i am allergic to most alcohols after i had an allergic reaction on my 21st and went to the doctors. i have a pretty severe intolerance. also started playing dragon age again. i don’t really talk to mom at all. my maternal grandfather, cliff, who i have never met/spoken to, has a relationship with my sister ashlee and was at my nephew’s first birthday party. cliff met my brothers and i and was very kind to us. however, i love my aunt shanna with my whole heart and she doesn’t like him at all. there was a very clear and obvious divide of my mom’s sisters and family, like jordan, kenadee, brettney, nana, and my grandfather’s family, like his other children and their spouses. it was all very difficult. i know my grandfather doesn’t have much time left in this world, but he still was rude and treated the family who HAS been there like shit. i know my mom cut my grandfather out, but i am inclined to side with my aunt because she knows best. however, she didn’t pull me aside at the birthday party and tell me not to believe a thing cliff says. cliff, however, did that. told me to believe what nana says and that it was all in the past. that rubbed me the wrong way. i still don’t know what to think about that situation. 

[september 2019] just school and work still, nothing crazy. mammalogy trips, entomology trips, school is really really fun and a lot of work but i love it so much! oh, and carter got me a bernie2020 magnet for my birthday. 

[october 2019] i saw the band cigarettes after sex. they were really awesome. i broke my glasses. i went to ren fest. nathan was creepy. i saw my mom and my aunt brenna at toby’s marching band game. dad, ash, and bentley were there. it was awkward and i didn’t try talking to my mom. a few months prior i kind of ripped into her on messenger and tried to tell her that i wanted a relationship but she had to acknowledge that what she did in the past was wrong (and i told her exactly what she did wrong, and i had talked about this with my siblings and dad, who agreed) and how she could fix it and how i still wanted her in my life. and she refused to acknowledge this. i kind of broke down over it because i realized my mom was never ever ever going to change and it broke me. anyways, i saw her at the game and i didn’t talk to her and answered her questions with as much grace as i could manage. that’s all. she lives in olathe now. that guy and her broke up. toby lives with dad full time now. dad has a good job and bartends part time at top golf. 

[november 2019] there was a praying mantis on my aloe plant! she laid an ootheca. it should hatch any day now :)i went to a deer aging check station. i slept in a bath tub. had some good conservations with my sister. we also had kady’s bridal shower. kaycee’s house is amazing and so is kaycee! i wish she lived closer. 

[december 2019] kady got married! it was a really beautiful reception. i finished my semester with all As and Bs! entomology was really hard, but i got a B in there! most people in ento got Cs or Ds so i did really well :) we started playing left for dead again 

[january 2020] kady is on her honeymoon. marissa and i watched midsommar on new years eve. i started my new classes. i am taking herpetology and paleontology and local flora. i also TA for plant phys and am doing research with dr. barta! life was pretty good. oh, i tried getting glass animals tickets, but they sold out, so i was really bummed :///

[february 2020] chiefs won the superbowl, played dragon age, went to class. i spend a lot of time with amanda and love her so much. i also got my resume together! waiting to hear back so i can start applying for jobs.

[march 2020] it’s the current month. it’s been a wild month because of the virus. i was supposed to find a place to live by may and a job this month but the virus has made that pretty much impossible. my dad has been reassuring but also not at the same time. it will all work out. i voted for bernie in the primaries. i have become extremely socialist in my views. right now, i am really into NGE and jojo’s bizarre adventure and i am listening to a lot of the kinks. jyro turned 11 this month. 11! he’s getting so old. i hope i can find a place to live but i need to find a job first. it’s a stressful time. hopefully i won’t get the virus but... we will see. also, i’ll try to keep this updated. maybe monthly! 

see ya xox

lex

[tirfpikachu]

another breakup vent lolz

my ex told me "yeah i was experimenting all along dating you for years and turns out i was just too shy to breakup and i felt too bad about you being disabled. we still had sex sometimes despite clearly not wanting a woman bc i wanted to please you BUT it wasn't me using you for sexual gratification and i mostly didn't let you touch me, so that's not as bad!!" and sure i wasn't (always) used as a sex toy by a hetero at least but like..... it still feels bad!!!! it was still a bad thing to do!!!

turns out i was getting naked and letting myself be touched by someone who was daydreaming abt some dude with a big dick. turns out all my insecurities and anxiety during sex bc they seemed stilted, but always reassured me, turns out those were true. i guess i sorta relate to how het ppl feel when their partner comes out as gay, it all makes sense now but it fucking hurts and feels violating to have shown ur most intimate side to someone who was just indulging you and was never into you. except i'm a dyke and my partner was hetero all along. complimenting my tits and jumping me when i teased they said was just them recreating pornos. i lived a lie for years. the romantic shit we did, they blamed their lack of romance on their autism, but it was bc i wasn't male and now they're all loveydovey crushing on some dudes. my constant insecurities and anxieties WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!!!! like holy fuck. a bicurious person fucked around w me and felt too meek to say no when i asked if they wanted to date that makes me feel like a fucking predatory lesbian stereotype. WE ALMOST GOT MARRIED!!! i talked abt bearing their children!!!! i stuck around even once they transitioned and we passed as straight (til now, they're off hrt and lowkey detrans, tho they had top surgery cuz they hated how their breasts looked). i stuck around bc i was (on-and-off) in love. but it was always unrequited AND I KNEW IT!!!! i was in love w a hetero. i gave myself 100%. but they were always distant. stiff. i always asked and they told me it was all in my head. they apparently had been thinking of breaking up w me for years but they were worried i wouldn't survive without them cuz i'm broke on disability aid. like FUCK OFF!!!! my disabled dyke ass woulda figured it out, much better than living a life of lies, i always gave them a way out and they never took it, under the guise of protect me.... so infantilizing.... and now i just gotta live with that. with 5 years of lies in my past. how do i even process this y'all.... like damn 😭😭 i have mega trust issues now jfc. they're very kind and have been very generous to me over the years but this betrayal almost broke me