#anxiety has been sooooooo high this weekend

[howdoyousleep3]

was feeling v feminine and cozy and strawberry today 🍓💕

[lipglossanon]

i didn’t wanna send another i was gonna wait to fully flesh out this idea but i’m outweighing my anxiety and saying asks are asks and it’s doesn’t change the number no matter when i send them like,,,,, it’s still six 🫣 asks i just don’t wanna spam,,,,,, i feel bad 🫠 also sorry for any typos in all of my asks lol…. ahem anyway i reduced my thoughts into longer asks so i didn’t send you so many but dbf!leon has me thinking of some unholy shit like let’s say reader comes home from school one day and her dads friend is there and she’s all shy and basically runs to her room and her dad laughs it off but leon’s like side eyeing the situation and he’s over so much that you tune out the noise of him and your dad hanging out so when your parents go in a date and they have leon “babysit” you, you don’t even pay attention thinking they’re all gone and you’re home alone so you’re in the kitchen in a crop top and booty shorts with thigh high socks and you make eye contact with him and it’s all fucking over from there. the slight touches, picking you up like in his car but also accidental ass pussy grabs when you’re playing 🥴, or tripping you so you fall and your skirt flips up, slowly discovering what makes you wet when your guys rough house like 😩 and finally your parents are letting him watch you when they’re gone for the weekend and you had been wearing less and less clothes around him and he finally can’t help himself anymore when you’re in those socks again with a tank top and thong in the kitchen 🤭

- 💀

(or he’s a perv and slipped into your room once or twice while you’re changing and makes advances when you’re in the kitchen in the middle of the night in thigh highs and an oversized shirt with no bra, makes you watch scary movies with him so you’re practically on his lap, your parents leaving for the weekend and he’s supposed to babysit house sit and you’re masturbating in your room and he’s outside your closed door jacking off and he hears you unlock the door and lets himself in after putting his dick back in his pants and acts like he doesn’t know why you’re all flustered and red faced but doesn’t care either when he asks why there’s a hairbrush on the floor (we’ve all been there 🤭) and goes to pick it up for you and it’s sticky and he’s sooooooo accusatory and you’re trying to pretend it’s not hot but you cave and tell him so he pins you to the bed and fucks you with hairbrush handle until your crying and begging then he forces himself on you while you try to pretend you’re not into it but he knows better than that and i need to stop rambling lol but ugh DILF leon lives rent free in my head right inbetween RE4 remake leon and las plagas leon which like 👀👀 don’t even get me started on my horny daydreams of getting tentacle fucked by plagas leon like him choking you with his tail while there’s at least two tentacles in your mouth, one sucking on your clit, one in your pussy with his dick and maybe one in your ass like overstimulation station all the way)

You’re totally fine! Send as many as you like, I’ll get to them when I do 🤭

AHDKVL I love both!!! 😩 I like you both just falling into temptation but I also like him just being a straight up perv 😩

And plagas Leon is so good!! Monster fucking is so underrated.

[stop-weighting-for-change]

UPDATE 9

Hi!! So ok wow, it’s been yet again a lot of time passed since I last posted (exactly a year and week to the date of UPDATE 8 lolllllll).

So A LOT of shiettttt has changed so I’ll just begin:

-I kinda moved to new york city and got my dream job. The dream job I was devastated about not getting and posting about this time last year- HOLY SHIT. I always felt like in my heart it was supposed to/going to happen but it hadn’t allllllll the other (5 times) i applied and I told myself when applying the time I got it that it would be my last time bc i just needed to move on and... i got it. HOLY SHIT. -Although it was not as fast as I would have liked for it to have been, I’ve lost 21lbs in the last year- TWENTY ONE. Last June I weighed in at 195 again and as of THIS MORNING I’m 174.5. I NEED to keep it off this time. I WILL keep it off this time. -While i definitely do still suffer from anxiety, body dysmorphia and depression, I overall feel like things will work out this time. THEY WILL. -I miss my family (who live back on the west coast of the usa) more and more and more every single day. But I’m getting through it. The tide has been high but I’ve been holding on. -Diet Coke by Leanna Firestone is my anthem, my church, my everything and I feel v grateful to that song. -I miss my old coworkers bc while I have my dream job at my dream company I realized since being here that a lot of the glamour was built up in my head and it’s HARD to find a group of strangers bound together by work who are supportive and wonderful and funny and genuinely care about you. So when you have that/find that, TREASURE IT! Because it’s temporary. and compared to my last job, the new jabronies I work with aint shieeeeeeeet (:). -Finally I had a stellar 4th of July in The Washington Dictrict of Columbia with two of my favorite people and it was sooooooo needed.

That’s what I have in terms of updates which is pretty major: now looking towards the future!!

I get to see my mom and brother in 13 days and I could cry, i’m so happy. and i get to see them two weekends in a row!!!

AND THEN i’m meeting my family at wdw for a couple days and were gonna ride all the rides including COSMIC REWIND AT EPCOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t believe that last time I updated I hadn’t rode that ride yet........ wow what last July me didn’t even know what she was missing. Srsly if you haven’t rode that ride before ur missing out, i’ve never had that kind of serotonin boost before ever in my life.

Finally, I’m attempting to Chloe Ting again and become a runner (pray 4 me).

That’s it for now, but I forgot how good it feels to literally write this shit down even if -14 people read this. IT”S MY JOURNEY AND THIS IS FOR ME :’).

P.S. I need to pick up a library card- I signed up for one in March and haven’t gotten it yet. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME.

P.P.S. My love life (or last there of) is a disaster but what else is new. At least I’m getting my hair braided for the first time in a few decades and I’m v excited!!!!!

[mienceri]

I like writing these personal posts that are actually public posts about what's going on in my life because when future me or present me I guess reads it. It NEVER is as bad as I thought it out to be. Last year I was a insecure nervous wreck. I doubted myself constantly. I’m still that same girl don't get me wrong but what past me or who was present me back then didn’t know is that future me or present me (that is the one that writing this right now) is okay and that worry, that anxiety, it was for nothing. 

I read a post 4 measly months ago that I wrote when I started a new job and how scared I was and how hIgh my imposter syndrome was then and literally 4 months later I’m looking for a new job. IT’S CRAZY. 

Over the course of 6 months my life has shifted DRAMATICALLY! I found out a roommate was cheated on, then found out she was pregnant and then continuing the pregnancy with her unfaithful boyfriend even though I expressed my concerns about all that. I despise infidelity, vehemently. 

Which made it EXTREMELY hard to be in the same room with her boyfriend in my own apartment. Then was TOLD, not asked, TOLD that I would be throwing her a baby shower. Like i know that I want children in the future, but present me at this point dislikes kids. Now I’m planning a baby shower that I haven’t been planning since I’m so focused on my better myself professionally in my free time and interviewing and applying for jobs and the baby shower is in a months time. 

I’m LEGIT the worst friend to plan a baby shower, especially when I’m expected to PLAN and PAY for it all when I never even offered. The way she TOLD me I was throwing her baby shower was literally like this “yeah you’re planning it, who else is gonna do it”. My response “oh okay...” when I really thought I don’t even agree with you having this kid right now at 23 with a man with TWO BABY MAMAS, two other children, no college degree, WHO YOU JUST FOUND OUT CHEATED ON YOU, lied about it for months until he couldn’t sleep at night anymore and left a job he crawled back to and is 7 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU.

You couldn’t have picked a worse choice to be the father of your child. 

Especially since his excuse for cheating on you was that you aborted his last child without really asking him about how he felt about you aborting his last child when his real concern should have been about the fact that he already has 2 KIDS with two separate women, still lives with his mom and can barely afford his car payment and only ever sees his daughter 3-4 times a year and his son every weekend. >n> 

I looked online and it’s in poor taste to ask someone, much less tell someone to throw you a baby shower. It’s considered rude. 

I made the mistake of calling him a shitty dad to her face this was before she was pregnant and she got sooooooooooo offended. >n> Her defense is that she had a shitty dad so the fact that he cares and is trying and doesn’t abuse his children makes him a good father. 

We have completely different definitions of good fathers and it really boiled down to how we were raised. She didn’t really have a good or constant male figure in her life. While me and my father had ISSUES, he always took care of me and pushed me in school and told me the I have to get an education. He was overly strict but he kept a job and kept me and my sister out of trouble (strict immigrant parenting) and legit raised us. He was always there. A constant presence in my life. 

In the past 6 months, my moral compass has been strengthened. Living with my current roommate has taught me that no matter how much you disagree with your friend’s life choices, you can’t force them to see things your way. You can’t make them decide not to make what you think is the most stupidest and biggest mistake of their life that’s going to affect them for their WHOLE life and the people around them FOREVER, no matter how much you want to smack some sense into them. 

This has tested our friendship and I feel awful for literally wanting to run away from her and all her life drama. I hate that she’s included me in her life decision by the simple fact of us living together, me having to pick up more chores around the house because she’s pregnant, me having to have deal with her CHEATER, BABY FATHER in the house from time to time and sometimes his son when he was him over the weekends. When he says over, sometimes he even brings his laundry over. HIS LAUNDRY.

She’s told me she feels sad that she’s put me through a lot. I have no idea how I’m gonna plan this baby shower that as each day passes I’m slowly building up resentment for. These are the times you find out who your true friends are and I realize that I love her as a friend but I’m sooooooo ready to let her go. Like i want to run away but I’ve never been the person to just quit. I told her once that I wanted to slowly ghost people. She told me she’d try to slowly leave but not before she gets me to pay for her baby shower that is... >n>

it’s just she knows that I’ve done so much for her, whereas when taking her out to eat, esp now since she’s been preggo I’ve picked up tab a lot since I make a little more. I make dinner with her diet in mind and have cooked more for her than she has for me. Now i’m planning a full baby shower with no venue for 30+ friends from both her and her baby father’s side she wants to invite. Even driving to pick her up from her cheater boyfriend’s house when he told her in front his mother that he had cheated on her and she was so shocked and sad that she couldn’t drive herself back home. I just know that if that ever were me, she wouldn’t have shown up for me like that. 

I’ve been fortunate to have never needed her help in anything but there are few of those friends who you can rely on these days and I just know that especially when she has this baby she’s gonna need more help than ever and I really don’t want to be there when does because she's low key becoming a burden and I’m an asshole for saying that. 

It’s just sometimes I feel like I’m being used  since she know that the only things that I have going for me in my life are my job and my family and I’m antisocial as fuck. All other CLOSE friends either have their own lives and don’t have the time, have their own families or are in relationships. However, the career I want is demanding and while I have more time than her other friends, that’s time I don’t want to spend helping to raise her child. That’s what you have the father for...and your family

And the time I have outside of work I want to spend bettering myself, figuring out what I’m truly passionate about, what I love doing since I still haven’t figured that out. It’s so important for a young woman to be independent in this life. My philosophy in life is never be a burden (if you can help it and are privileged to be able-bodied and healthy) and I’ve lived by that. I realize that she’s been more of a burden to me than she has been a friend. 

yes, i’m an asshole. But I still wish the best for her this new year.

In a year from now I wonder if we will still be friends. Future me who is reading this post, are you happy? How’s life? Are the people you love happy? I just want everyone to be happy and healthy. That’s all you need in life.