Text
❤️ lorelast › lovetaled !
#we are rebranding for a little bit.. just for funzies#it feels consistent with the blog aesthetic i've had here for like 4 months anyway so akjdgdjg#also carrd updates are up ... much thank to byleth for helping me graphically#anyway i will be more absent today than yesterday due to the holiday but i hope everyone is doing well!#sorry to everyone who has to change their pages in advance-#⋆ 🦋 ◝ ooc. ◟ here to romanticize unhingedly.
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
I am on the track team for my college and today was my first day practice. All day yesterday I waited for the coach to send out a schedule that never came. I texted two girls on the team to see if they knew what time practice was and they didn’t know either so I decided to text the coach. Unfortunately, by then it was already 9:00 and I didn’t want to bother him at such a late hour so I decided to text him in the morning. I had class yesterday at 8:00 am so as I’m walking to class at 7:45, I text the coach saying “Good morning! I was wondering if you could tell me what time practice is today, I wouldn’t want to be late for my first day!” He replied with, “Oh we had weight room this morning at 7:00am. Sorry, I should have told you.” I was devastated. My first day of NCAA Division 2 Track Practice and I was absent. I apologized profusely to him, but he told me not to worry about it because it was optional anyways due to the holiday weekend. He also said that we had afternoon practice at 1:30, so I thanked him and told him I’d be there. I wasn’t all that upset that I had missed the workout (since it really wasn’t my fault no one told me), but I was more embarrassed than anything showing up to the 1:30 practice and having all of my new teammates look at me as if they were saying “where were you this morning.” After practice I made sure to ask coach for a schedule, however he said they don’t have an official one typed up yet. He did tell me though, “this week we will have 7am weigh room every morning and 1:30 practice every day except Wednesday.” I’m glad I have somewhat of an idea of a schedule but I am a planning person and I don’t like not being able to schedule my week out in advance. I guess that is just something I am going to have to work on as a college student, going with the flow. I have weight training tomorrow morning and I am nervous that the weight room coach is going to make fun of me for missing yesterday. I don’t know, I’m usually good with showing coaches that I am a hard worker so I hope this one is no different. It may take some time but I think I will find my place on the team eventually.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Amnesia Later: New World Prologue Part 1
Amnesia Later is the first fandisk for Amnesia and consists of several parts to the game, including New World and After Story. New World is basically an AU of sorts that focuses on a scenario where the MC is dating no one and the staff of Meido no Hitsuji make summer plans together. I’ve split the prologue into 2 parts for more easy reading (and workload on myself....) This first half focuses on giving a short recap of the game’s plot as well as introducing the cast.
Someone pray for me to have the willpower to translate the latter half orz
Special thanks to my friends @aphonicdreams and @dyinganddead for helping me with proofreading! Translation is under the Read More
August 10th
This was the story of a certain world, a certain country, a certain girl.
August 1st.
When the girl opened her eyes, she had lost all of her memories. Beside her was a mysterious boy named Orion who called himself a spirit. The spirit Orion told her that it was his fault she lost her memories. In accordance with Orion’s advice, who told her he would help her with anything in order to gain back her memories, the girl began to examine her surroundings…….
Eventually the girl’s relationships became clear, complicated and entangled intentions started to be seen, and the real reason why she had lost her memories.
----Orion had a flash of insight.
“I see now. Her losing her memories wasn’t due to me crashing into her!”
The organization members that appear before the girl desperately working to understand everything. The evil influences that stretch out their hands. Will the girl be able to retrieve her memories? What is the true reason she lost her memories? Will Orion be able to protect her?
Now then.
The fate of Orion and her is---?!
……….
Orion: Well, if it was that kind of story then it’d be nice!
Hey, good morning [MC]. Are you awake?
Huh? Are you still sleepy?
You did hold a strategy meeting with me up until late last night after all.
But to say something like “Who are you again…...?” right after waking up is a little harsh for being half-asleep, you know?
You seem to be a little out of it so I tried to summarize your current situation up until now in a simple manner.
What I talked about just now was an outline of what happened from August 1st up until today. I’m the spirit Orion. Do you remember now?
…….What’s with that face?
There was a part that was different from what actually happened? Eh~ Is that so? I thought it was pretty accurate to what happened though.
………..
That was a lie. I’m sorry.
There’s nothing like the evil influences of an organization or the truth of your amnesia at all.
It was just a simple accident. It’s all my fault.
Because I crashed into your soul, your memories went flying away.
What I said just now was my own desire!
Aah, it would be nice if there was an actual truth behind it, though.
If there was something going on behind your back, I would protect you and fight.
I’d use my wit and courage to guide you and protect you from a huge villain!
I can’t touch things in the human world, am invisible to any other people besides you, nor can I even talk to them, but…...
“Ah, someone’s following me…..! Orion, save me!”
“Leave it to me! I know the entire layout of this town! We’ll shake off the pursuer at the next corner!”
……..Just kidding.
Either way, in truth I can’t even do something like a personal background check for you. Hah…...the real world sure is harsh~.
→ I’m relying on you
If only you could talk to other people as well
Uuuuu, thanks~!
I might not be that useful right now, but I’ll work even harder!
I’m relying on you
→ If only you could talk to other people as well
Right?!
That way, I would be able to get information and go to dangerous places in your place.
I’d also be able to give a good talking to the guys who’re aiming for you!
Well, we can’t just gloom about. We have to do our best with what we can do.
What I can do for you now is support you so that you can carry out your lifestyle safely.
Hey, look. It’s the person correlation diagram you made yesterday.
Ever since you fell asleep last night, I’ve been looking at this myself and thinking.
After getting an idea of your condition up until yesterday, we managed to get a general understanding of your relationships with other people.
Your parents are absent since they live somewhere far away. You currently live alone, and you don’t have a boyfriend.
You’re particularly close to two childhood friends and have four acquaintances from work.
It’s not like you were caught in the middle of some accident, nor did you have a bad experience of being bullied by some vicious female group.
And it doesn’t seem like your life is being prowled after by some guy with a tragic fate for some startling reason.
So, this is just my suggestion, but why don’t we try picking someone who seems reliable and ask them for help about your amnesia?
I think that’d be the best shortcut to getting your memories back and living a peaceful, normal everyday life.
For now you have work today. You sure seem to meet reliable people a lot.
While you talk to everyone, you should start thinking which person seems the most reliable once again.
And then, once you think “it’s this person!” the most, we’ll explain your current situation to them.
Ah, but we don’t know what might happen so be sure to be mindful of the situation, okay?
What do you think? Is it too risky? Well, let’s think about it carefully during work.
Alright, let’s change and head straight for work~!
???: …...Huh?
Hey, are you in the middle of heading to work? If so, aren’t you running late? If you keep going now you’ll barely make it in time.
I bet you fell asleep again, didn’t you? Fix that bad sleeping habit of yours. It’d be a pain if you came to a meeting place late or something.
Orion: Thank you oh so kindly for those harsh words to start off the morning.
I think you know already, but I’ll explain just in case. This guy is Shin. He’s your childhood friend.
He’s an unsociable guy, but he looks out for you in a lot of ways. ……..Though he’s a Spartan when it comes to training.
I think it’s alright to view him as someone we can trust in itself, so it might be good to consult him.
Shin: What are you spacing out for? Not even bothering to give me a reply is even more cruel than usual. Are you still half-asleep?
Orion: It’s not like that! We made sure to get plenty of sleep~
Shin: Why are there so many idiots around me?
It’s too much of a handful. ……...Everyone I deal with is so troublesome.
Orion: Hm…..? It sounds like he’s bothered by something.
I wonder if something happened. Or is this simply an idle complaint he has towards you?
→ I’m sorry for being slow
Did something happen?
Shin: What are you apologizing for all of a sudden? I don’t get it.
Orion: Ehh?! I-I mean, weren’t you just using a tone of voice meant to criticize her?! Am I wrong?
Shin: It’s not like I had a complaint towards you or anything so you don’t have to apologize.
You’ve been a handful since long ago so I’m not bothered by it.
Orion: I’m not following through at all. I’m just following into a dead end…...
Shin: Besides, you should hurry up and go. Otherwise you won’t make it in time.
I’m sorry for being slow
→ Did something happen?
Shin: When I woke up this morning my mom was in a panic because she had forgotten to buy rice and bread.
Since the rice is heavy she thought she’d leave it to me. Meanwhile, the store we always get bread from was closed due to a holiday.
Since she’s been nothing but perplexed this morning, I came here to buy the bread.
On top of that, she said convenience store bread is no good and that it had to be this store specifically here. Apparently she’s been gathering up points at this place.
What do you think of someone who causes trouble for others because of his or her personal mistake? I mean, I’ll still go to where she told me to.
Orion: Uh, um…….What would you think?
But despite him making a face like that, he still listened to her and went out. I guess Shin’s actually pretty kind?
Shin: Whether it’s you or my mom, why are you both so out of it? Isn’t it just inconvenient for yourself to be like that?
Orion: ……...Although he says too much.
Shin: Anyway, this isn’t the time to be standing around and chatting. You should go already. You don’t have time to waste, right?
Orion: Ah, he’s right.
Shin: See ya. Do your work seriously, okay?
Orion: Or so he says. While the same goes for work, we also have to work hard on gathering information!
Orion: Whew~ Just as Shin said, we barely made it. We might’ve been a bit sloppy while changing.
???: Good morning, [MC]
We seem to be meeting at the store quite a lot lately. Haven’t you been working 6 days in a row now? You seem to be working hard.
But you seem to be building up fatigue and coming here nonetheless. ……..Look.
Your headdress is tilted, but it seems like you haven’t noticed it at all. Do you mind if I fix it for you?
Orion: Stop right there! Don’t just close the distance between you two so swimmingly first thing in the morning!
This perverted monster here is your senior at work, as well as a 4th year college student, Ikki.
He’s ridiculously popular with girls to the point where it seems like a joke that he’s even got a fan club.
Anyway, if we just leave him be he’ll start getting even closer so give him some sort of a response!
→ I’ll fix it myself
Please fix it for me
Ikki: Do you not want me touching your hair? It’s not like I’ll take advantage of the situation and do something else to you, you know?
Orion: Saying a remark like that is already a hazard!
I’ll fix it myself
→ Please fix it for me
Orion: WHAAAAAAT?!
Ikki: …....How unexpected. I thought you would get embarrassed and run away. Does this mean you don’t view me in that sort of way?
Hmm~ …...If that’s the case then it’s a pity, but oh well.
You have such pretty hair. I’ve been thinking I’d like to touch it since long ago…...
???: Stop right there, Ikkyu.
Orion: This voice is…..!
???: Don’t get any closer to her. Even if the manager may forgive your acts of sexual harassment in this holy workplace, I, however, will not.
Ikki: There he is, the mysterious statistics-loving Mad Kent!
Orion: What’s with that introduction?!
This guy is Kent. He’s also a senior at your workplace and seems to be a graduate student at Seichi University.
Ikki called him a mysterious statistics-loving guy, but in truth he really does come off that way. He’s kind of like the embodiment of numbers and theories.
Kent: I won’t allow such shameless behavior to take place before my very own eyes, Ikkyu…..!
Ikki: Oh? By what right do you have to get in my way, Ken?
Kent: If it’s a right you want then I have one. For you see, the victor of Puzzle No. 500 that I presented you the other day is me.
Losers should obey winners. That is a formality of this world which has been proven through history. As such, I have a right to interfere with you.
Ikki: Eh…...No way, was the score result bad enough to make you say an announcement like that, Ken?
Kent: You got 68 points. Well, I also had a feeling I raised the difficulty level too high since it was a commemorative 500th puzzle.
Next time I’ll make it slightly easier. There’s no point in giving you a puzzle that can’t be cleared.
Ikki: You better not do that. If you go easy on me it’ll just make me weak. You should come at me with everything you’ve got.
Kent: Oh, is that so? If that’s the case then for Puzzle No. 501 I’ll make it the hardest one you’ve ever seen until now.
Ikki: I’ll also attack you with all I’ve got. It’s not in my nature to be beaten by someone, you see.
Orion: …….So these guys have given and solved up to 500 puzzles between the two of them. They sure aren’t tired of it.
As you can see, Ikki and Kent are super close.
Both parties have parts of them that aren’t exactly normal per se, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t people that can’t be trusted.
There’s also the possibility that we consult the two of them as well. In that case, rather than just choosing one of them it might be better to ask them together……
Ikki: By the way. [MC], so what are you going to do about that headdress in the end?
Do you want me to fix it? Or do you want Ken to fix it?
Orion: You’re bringing the conversation back to that?! And we have to choose from the two of them?!
→ Ask Ikki to do it
Ask Kent to do it
Ikki: Got it. Come over here.
…….Is this the first time I’ve ever gazed at you so closely?
If you were to become my captive after this I’d be happy…...How about it? Does it still not work on you?
Orion: Um…….You’re just fixing her headdress, right?!
Kent: You must also have bad taste, [MC].
It’s not as if there was a need for you to willingly jump into the tiger’s den.
Ask Ikki to do it
→ Ask Kent to do it
Kent: …….What? Are you asking me to fix a woman’s hair ornaments? That sort of thing is impossible for me. I refuse.
Orion: I figured he would say something like that…….
Ikki: She nominated you to do it, so why don’t you fix it for her? After all, she did pick Ken over me.
Orion: And this guy’s sulking!
Kent: Besides, touching the hair of a person of the opposite sex can be considered an act of sexual harassment. You don’t like it when I touch you after all, no?
Ikki: Isn’t it because she doesn’t dislike it that she asked you? Or is it that you dislike it, Ken?
Kent: N-no……..That isn’t the case, but, however…….
???: It seems you’re all quite excited over something.
Ikki: Waka-san. Good morning.
Kent: Good morning.
???: Good morning. Is this everyone for today? I am very pleased to see that you’ve all assembled together on time. ……..Hm?
Your headdress is sliding off, [MC]. You should go take a look at yourself and fix it. We shall continue this conversation afterwards.
Orion: So he says. Let’s go, [MC]!
How is it~? Did you fix it? …...Yup, all good. Alright, OK!
That person just now is the manager of this store.
Everyone refers to him as Waka-san. At his core he’s a nice person but…….
……..Just why on earth does he always have a bamboo sword hanging by his waist.
Waka: That was quick. Well then, let us continue the conversation. Today I shall be working in the kitchen. Can the two of you handle the front by yourselves? Ikki, [MC].
Ikki: No problem. It’s not like it’s during the middle of the fair so the two of us can keep alternating.
Waka: Well then, Kent. Would working in the kitchen be alright? It seems you came early today to prepare the ingredients.
Kent: About that, manager. I’d like to shed light on a problem around here.
Waka: A problem?
Kent: In place of the fresh basil you ordered for, a large amount of dried basil has been delivered instead.
We used up all of the fresh basil yesterday. As such, we cannot create the pesto sauce for today’s pasta.
Waka: What……?! Instead of fresh basil, we received dried basil you say……?!
Kent: The same thing occurred just last Monday. I believe you apologized for this after messing up repeatedly as a result.
I don’t doubt that you feel responsible for this, but to have the same mistake occur twice in a row is quite painful.
Even if we were to go out to buy fresh basil right now, by the time we return it would be 5 minutes after opening. As such, I would like to inquire as to how we should decide to resolve this.
Waka: ………
Ikki: ……...Manager?
Waka: To think that I…...over the course of 2 weeks would pile mistake after mistake on top of one another…….! How could…….How could I allow such a thing to happen!!
This is an unforgivable offence as a store manager…….Since it has come to this, I shall slit my stomach as repentance!
Orion: His stomach?!
Ikki: Stop, manager! You can’t even cut a stomach with a bamboo sword anyway, and even if you could it’d be a problem.
Kent: Indeed. After all, the manager of this store is you. So to exactly whom are you apologizing?
Waka: However, to have the manager of all people make a mistake regarding the contents of an order is an eternal disgrace!
The only way to wipe out such shame is to slit my belly…..!
Ikki: Like we just said, this is modern-day Japan. This is a cafe. This isn’t Edo Castle nor the Pine Hallway.
Please quit that bad habit of jumping to commit seppuku so quickly, seriously.
Kent: Anyhow, I wish to replace today’s pasta with a different menu. Using the small amount of peperoncino we have seems reasonable to me.
I took the liberty of making use of those ingredients. Although it wasn’t much preparation, honestly. Is that alright with you, manager?
Waka: …...I’m in your debt. I’m greatly obliged by your consideration.
Ikki: Well then, since that’s settled…...Shall we open up Meido no Hitsuji?
Orion: Alright, Table 6 is all clear!
Whew~ It sure is a pain when someone orders the “Stew of the Day.” The pot’s hot and heavy after all.
If his hands are free Ikki will carry it for us, but we can’t rely on him to do that for us every time.
…….But just why on earth does a cafe have a “Stew of the Day”? Does that even make sense?
Whoops, it’s another customer! Welcome back, Mas…….Ah.
???: Good work today. Are you working hard?
???: ‘Sup! Looks like you and Ikki are in charge of the front today.
???: Hello, Senpai. I’d like a window seat, please.
Orion: Eh. T-This is kinda an odd group of people……
I think you remember them but I’ll give some supplementary info anyway. This guy here…….
???: What’s wrong? You’re spacing out. Has your low blood pressure gotten worse?
Just because you live alone doesn’t mean you can live a careless lifestyle. If your health starts to fail as a result then you’ll regret it.
Orion: The one who acts like a grandma is Toma. He’s a caring person and often looks out for you.
He’s one year older than you, and he’s also your childhood friend. Together with Shin, the 3 of you were raised like siblings to one another apparently.
Then, this person here……
???: Is that based off your own personal experience, Toma?
They do often say that catching a cold and becoming helpless as you lie in bed is the very first hurdle of living alone.
Orion: This girl is Sawa. She’s in the same year as you, and it seems she’s a friend you go out with on days off.
She can be a little careless at times, but I think she’s a good person.
???: Eh~ But doesn’t Toma live close to his parents’ house?
If that’s the case then he could just head back there whenever he caught a cold and relax, no?
Orion: This girl is Mine. She’s one year below you so she’s a 3rd year high school student. She’s a little selfish, but you can also call her an honest girl in a sense.
All 3 of them are part of the Meido no Hitsuji staff. And for the most part, everyone who works here generally get along with one another.
That’s why on the contrary, picking just one person to consult with is pretty difficult…….
Toma: There’s no way I could return to my parents’ house if I caught a cold. My parents wouldn’t spoil me like that.
They let me live on my own so I could be able to start an independent lifestyle, so dealing with colds and such is also part of self-responsibility.
Sawa: Yikes~.......That sounds rough.
Mine: So does that mean your parents don’t intervene in your affairs at all, Toma?
Toma: Yup. As long as nothing big happens, I’m pretty much left alone. Thanks to that I can pretty much do whatever I want, but……
Whoops, standing here and chatting would just disrupt business. Let’s continue this convo after we give our orders.
Mine: Got it~ Then we’ll just go ahead and sit wherever we like, okay~
Sawa: This’ll probably end up being a long talk so let’s go to the corner!
Mine: But I wanted a window seat~.......
Orion: A long talk? …….I wonder what they came to talk about.
Ikki: Good work so far.
Orion: Oh, Ikki. I guess he’s done serving customers over there.
Ikki: Seems like an odd group of people has arrived. It isn’t every day you see Toma grouped with 2 girls.
Have you finished taking their orders? Not yet, huh. Then maybe I should head over to where the 3 of them are and take their orders while saying hi.
Female Customer: Excuse me, I’d like to order now.
Ikki: …... Whoops…….I was also in charge of the customer over there.
Sorry, can you go give them my greetings in my stead? …….At your service. Please wait a moment, my lady.
Orion: So he says. Alright, let’s go to take their orders.
I’m also curious about the subject of their long talk.
Sawa: I really do think we’d find them at a riverbank, though.
Mine: So does that mean lakes and stuff are out? Like reservoirs?
Sawa: I think rivers would be the most standard place.
Mine: Eh~ Then where did you find them last year? I wasn’t there so I wouldn’t know.
Sawa: That’s…...Umm…….Where did we find them again?
Toma: It was by the promenade. But there’s some soil preparation going on around there so it might be impossible to go there.
Sawa: Eh, really?
Toma: After the heavy rain a lot of sand was blocking up places so they’re trying to make both the middle of the river and the spaces around it as thoroughly clean as possible, apparently.
Due to the change in environment, I’m not sure if we’ll be able to expect finding them there this year.
Mine: Then what should we do? Should we just go to the mountains then?
Sawa: Ooh, mountains sound nice! Staying in a lodge! Camping! Barbeque! Oh, but you also can’t forget about curry.
Mine: Sawa, you’re slipping away from our objective.
Sawa: But if we’re gonna go to the mountains it’s best if we have fun through various ways, right? There’s gonna be a lot of people after all.
Mine: Hm~......But wouldn’t Shin dislike this sort of thing? I feel like he’d make a stink face at the mention of a barbeque or something.
Toma: That guy’s not as much of an individualist as he appears, so I think he’ll tag along.
He might not actively take part in the conversation, but he enjoys being in the middle of a group of people having fun.
But still, going to the mountains might be difficult. We won’t be able to return on the same day.
Mine: Eh~ So we can’t?
Toma: You’re a high school student as well as preparing to take exams so staying overnight is a no-go. Maybe next year.
Mine: …….Toma is so strict.
Toma: I’m the overseer after all so I have to be in regards to that.
And besides, it’s not like I’m kind in the first place.
Sawa: Uwah, he said it himself. …...Well, we did say we were gonna go on a day trip this time around.
Orion: Is this about a trip or something? Do you have plans to go hang out somewhere on a day trip……?
Toma: Whoops, sorry [MC]. You came to take our orders, right?
I’ll have the house blend…...Scratch that, I’ll have the cafe au lait. What about the 2 of you?
Mine: I’ll have a cinnamon milk tea.
Sawa: Today Kent’s in the kitchen, right? Then I’ll have a matcha latte.
Mine: Why’d you ask that?
Sawa: Kent’s super good at making latte’s. Shin and the manager are good too, but it’s like he’s even above that.
Toma: Oh yeah, he always talks about the blending ratio of matcha to milk or like the temperature or even the theory of the foam on top.
Orion: The theory of foam……?
Mine: …...Hey, that’s right. Say, Senpai. Where do you want to go?
Orion: Eh?! …...W-What are they talking about?
Sawa: Ah, that’s right. You’re the leader after all so why don’t you pick?
Orion: The leader?! Did [MC] have plans to join too?! And on top of that you’re the leader apparently…...Eeeeeeeeh.
We don’t know anything! W-What should we do……?!
→ Anywhere’s fine
Toma should choose
Mine: Anywhere’s fine, you say……
Toma: There, there. If you suddenly bring up the topic to her, I’m sure [MC] would be flustered.
Anywhere’s fine
→ Toma should choose
Mine: Eh~ What’s with that. You sure do rely on Toma a lot, Senpai.
Sawa: But it’s not like it’s unexpected, right? She did say they’ve been like siblings since long ago.
Toma: Aside from whether or not I spoil her, if it’s okay for me to choose then I’ll pick where to go, but…...Is that alright with you?
Orion: If you could do that for us it’d be a big help…...Right, [MC]?
Toma: Then I guess I’ll search around on the Internet. If we’re going to go somewhere I picked then I’ll have to be thorough in my research.
It would suck if I took you all to a disappointing location after all.
Mine: Uwah, Toma is so soft. When we gave our input, all you said to us was “I wonder about that.”
Toma: Her and Shin are like my family after all. I tend to look after them more than what’s necessary.
Thanks to that Shin calls me irritating, and lately even [MC] has been acting oddly distant from me.
But anyway, it’s been awhile since I’ve been relied on so Big Brother will do his best.
If I can’t find a good place within the neighborhood then we’ll have to go a bit further out. That’s okay with you, right?
In case we go somewhere far, have you all been saving your part-time earnings properly? Well, I’m sure at the very least a one-way ticket would only be a few thousand yen.
Sawa: It’s OK with me! …...Probably.
Mine: Of course. I’m pretty serious when it comes to saving money.
Toma: You’re okay too, right [MC]? You did tell me last month that’s why you’ve been coming in to work so much.
Orion: Eh, really?! I did think you had a lot of shifts but it was for that reason?!
Even though it’s determined you guys will be going somewhere, it also seems like there’s some goal in mind. Just exactly what is it though……?
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
There's no magic pill
The thing about depression is that there is no magic pill to fix it; even after 2 years of therapy, it still comes back to me, though perhaps a bit weaker and wounded than it used to. What people often fail to understand is that there are so many different reasons for depression; it can be trauma induced, medication triggered, it can be loneliness manifested into something greater, it can be the chemicals in your head, the food you eat, the drugs you take, and a combination of the lot. Although there are certain symptoms that categorise it, there are also categories of depression, like a sliding scale. Not everyone who is depressed is suicidal, so talking to them as if you need to encourage them to live is often unhelpful.
Years ago I named mine after a japanese mythological creature, Ashi-magari; it never was something that I just suddenly woke up with, though it could feel like that. It would ever so carefully start to creep into my life, tripping me up, stealing light, and covering my path. I’d awake to find its tentacle wrapped around my ankles, unable to move. If it came alone, without anxiety, I would feel nothing. That nothingness is the most horrifying thing in the world.
Have you ever been around people you love unable to feel their love, nor your feelings of love towards them? There is no love, no sadness, no loss; there is only an absence of everything. You feel no sadness towards the emptiness because you don’t remember how to feel sad. You don’t remember how to feel anything, and so you begin to sink down to the floor. Time changes; you are in one time zone, while the rest of the world is in another. If there is someone who helps you to feel it can be all you cling to, but you fear damaging them too, especially if this is not your first round with the monster and you know what is to come. As for the others, the ones who care for you and know your monster too, they will know very quickly because of this absence of feeling. The ones who know you and your creature will have also come to learn your cycles, your signals, and your needs.
I know this round will be short lived, but it is still the same monster; it is not weaker, I just have more armor and weaponry. Yesterday I could barely utter more than a few words, and could feel nothing. I worked for a few hours and then went home, cocooning myself in bed. The moment my husband came home and touched my hand I was flooded with feeling, which is something I have never experienced before. I clung to him for the rest of the night, even in our sleep. This morning I feel a little less absent, but I won’t truly know until I get into work as I am always alone in the mornings. I’m one train stop away and I don’t really know what to expect. There is no apprehension, no fear, nothing really. All I know for certain is that I need to stop soon. Stop everything. Not die, just withdraw and recuperate.
As it turns out, I wasn’t ready to be back at work just yet. I was there for less than half an hour and ended up going home again. My colleague suggested it would be better to take one more day. The problem with that is the words she uttered were “It’s not fair on everyone around you”. If I had any sense of emotion I know I would feel sad and angry about that statement. Even if it is true, it is possibly one of the worst things you can say to someone who is struggling with their own existence. On Monday I had the old compulsions to walk quietly in front of moving vehicles (cars, busses, trucks, trains). Again, it’s not that I wanted to die; it is a compulsion I have lived with for a very long time. I don’t imagine people crying for me afterwards, whether in hospital or at my funeral. All I see and feel is myself walking into the path of that vehicle. I see, hear, and feel only silence, and so to be told my existence is not fair on those around me, well I’m just glad my feelings didn’t come back.
This experience has been quite surreal. I don’t feel like I am anywhere, nor am I anything. I don’t feel like I have a specific place in this world, but I am not saddened nor angered by it. There are no monsters telling me terrible things like they used to; There is just nothingness. I can laugh, and I can smile, but I don’t feel the emotions connected to the reactions. It’s like my body knows the reactions to have, and my mind understands the logical next step of what is right, and what is wrong (to a degree), but any emotional compulsion that would normally carry across has vanished. I’ve tried to make myself cry, thinking horrible things and focussing on a pet who I normally miss so dearly I cry at the thought of… but nothing happens. I have mild anxiety about work, but only at the unknown of how people will treat me. The thing is, even though I want to just be alone at home, the best thing for me is to just get back to work and be around people.
If you’re ever curious to learn what depression is like, and can’t quite understand it from what I have written or what people have told you, I strongly suggest watching the movie Melancholia. I watched it at a very low point before starting medication and therapy and I grieved for days due to the way it so perfectly portrayed the disease. My husband felt terrible for showing it to me, but it was also possibly the first step towards him being able to reach me in the place I was living at the time.
Today is day four, and I am beginning to feel better and more present. Last night I was able to reach out to a couple of my support network and begin engaging with people in a fun manner, even if I didn’t fully feel much. It is a strange sensation to laugh but not feel happiness. Work was a struggle, and I hit a wall halfway through the day almost falling asleep at my desk. I was adamant that no one was to tiptoe around me, particularly after that comment on day two. I made myself go to the gym in the hope that some endorphins would be released. Eating is still a struggle, with textures and aromas making me gag. As for sleep, dreams were coming thick and fast last night, so I believe part of my brain must be waking up again.
Returning to work after an episode, or towards the tail end of an episode, is such an awkward experience. There will be those who understand, those who really don’t, and those who don’t need to know why you were off “sick”. I’ve also worked through much worse episodes than this, so it is strange to even take leave at such a mild experience. Those words keep playing in my head though, “it’s not fair on everyone else���. The words of someone who has absolutely no idea. And then there’s my boss, who returned from a holiday while this was happening. As always, she knew what to say, how to treat me, and what my boundaries are. She saw me through the worst of it and has seen my growth, and my strength. Be gentle, be encouraging, but don’t tiptoe; the world still goes on around you.
My husband and I had a therapy session last night, which was excellent timing as it turned out to be a longer session. We’re working on conflict management skills, as two sensitive and strongly opinionated people. Plus it really helps with my background as I wasn’t taught how to manage conflict...or anything really. Anyway, at the beginning of the session I explained to our therapist what happened this week, how there was no catalyst, and that I just woke up one day and everything was gone; no good, no bad, just nothing. We talked through it, he probed a little checking that I wasn’t a suicide risk, and he was satisfied that it was simply my depression cycle breaking through and asked my other half to keep an eye on it. He was pleased with how I identified my risk factors and took the time to care for myself. It was actually quite a relief to hear him say that it was just my depression cycle as I’ve recently been wondering how it fits into my life now, after years of therapy and medication. It was a comfort to know that it will still be a part of my life, and that I haven’t failed because it visits from time to time.
I don’t really think there was any particular trigger to this episode; it’s the middle of the year and I’m a little burned out, with a couple of weeks until I have a full week off work, which I promised my therapist I would do. My body has been putting up a glorious fight with CFS/ME this year, and is winning more than it has for six years. I’m learning new skills at therapy that are really stretching my brain, and strengthening my marriage. I’m working at a higher intensity that I have for a long time as well, all while keeping my usual roadblocks at bay. The thing is, I’ve always had a lot going on so does this count as a trigger for me, or is it just my life? I don’t really think it is too important. There is never just one single element in anything, and just as there is no single magic pill to make my mind better, there is no single thing that makes my mind worse. This is my life, and I’m fighting to keep it.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
January 1, 2018
A THOUSAND WORDS A DAY
It must now be twenty years since I read Stephen King’s book... ON WRITING: A MEMOIR OF THE CRAFT
In that book he advocated that any serious writer must be committed to writing at least one thousand words a day.
It was a promise that I made to myself time and again, but never kept.
Today is January 1st, 2018, the first day of the new year and I have made two New Year’s resolutions.
The first is to commit myself to writing one thousand words a day. I feel I have a better than average chance at doing this because on December 28th of last year, less than one week ago, I retired after working 29 years at the post office. This retirement did not come one minute too soon. After suffering a serious shoulder injury last fall which rendered my tow motor driving days at work over and done with, the horrible night shift of 3:00 am to 11:00 am has left me exhausted.
My husband who retired last summer make it very clear to me that my retirement would be filed with everyday walks and plenty of activity.
Well, that hasn’t really happened yet because of the extreme temperatures outside. Indeed, every day seems to set new low temperature records. Even some of last night’s new year festivities were cancelled due to public health and safety.
As for my second New Year’s resolution, it is about 44 years since my school band instructor Mr. Inglis told his music student’s that if you undertake a hobby and commit yourself to it, you must strive to learn at least one new thing a day. It doesn’t have to be anything overwhelming, but something you noticed, that you have never noticed before.
About a year ago, I began to notice that I was beginning to take on an interest in watercolour art. My daughter had purchased a travel sized watercolour palette that really began to peak my interest.
What made me take notice? You ask...
Well, it was probably when she, my husband and myself were making our way through security at England’s Heathrow airport. She failed the carry on luggage test when the screening noticed something odd in her suitcase. It was pulled over for inspection much to our chagrin. Anytime you are pulled over to have your suitcase inspected the world seems to grow dark with shame and fear.
In the end it was her travel size set of watercolour paints that caught security’s attention.
They opened it up and asked her what it was.
She told them.
They allowed her to pass through their sacred portals along with her box of paints. However, they made it clear to her that had they been in liquid form, they would have been confiscated.
During my summer holidays in June of last year, I bought myself a box of paints and some paper and began to paint.
Badly, of course...
However, I found joy in my awkward paintings. Underwater scenes seemed to be the nicest ones that I produced.
I began to dabble my way around the internet and you tube looking for direction.
From “The Watercolour Misfit” I eventually learned how to properly push water and paint around the paper. Mind you, I still need a lot of practise of this and many other things.
Anyway, my second New Year’s resolution for this New Year is to learn something new each day.
This, of course does not strike me an overly time consuming commitment, yet I recognize it will require some sort of dedication.
And so, on this first day of the year, I discovered not only one, but two epiphanies in regards to the fine art form of watercolour...
The first discovery came when I was doing a pink flat wash background for a bird that I had sketched onto my cold pressed watercolour paper.
Noticing that in my paint mixture, there were small specks of debris, it didn’t take me long to figure out that they flecks had come from the rubber eraser of the pencils that I used to sketch my drawing. I had erased several pencil lines and did not think to ensure the remover of the eraser leavings. That’s a mistake I will not be making again.
The second lesson came as I was putting away the tubes of paint after I had finished painting.
I noticed that the white tube of paint that I had used to highlight my bird’s eyes with was missing it’s small little cap. It was in that moment that I realized that after removing the cap on a tube of paint, you must immediately replace the cap.
Why?
Because those little caps are so small, once misplaced, you will be hard pressed to try and find it.
Good thing that I had made a new palette of cooler hues of blues and greens and had emptied several tubes. I retrieve an empty tube from the garbage, removed the cap and rinsed off the dried paint from inside.
And voila, I had a replacement cap.
While, I was at it, I retrieved two more caps from other discarded tubes. I know myself well enough that I can be quite absent minded when I am preoccupied with my tasks at hand.
And so, there you have it. I know two things that I did not learn yesterday.
Yay me.
Tomorrow, I will write of the painting books that I made.
To be honest with you, I actually had three epiphanies today, however I’ll leave it to next time.
I was just informed by my husband that I don’t have to worry about running out of paint anytime soon.
It seems that along with the three reams of paper that I asked him to order for me, he also mistakingly ordered another three boxes of 18 count paint tubes.
Three boxes.
Fifty-four tubes of paint.
I am going to be doing a lot of watercolour painting this year.
There’s going to be a lot to be learned.
There’s even more to be done.
0 notes