#anyway ikon need a lot of support because they are starting from the very beginning and basically do everything with like 10 people team

[dropthedemiurge]

I really love iKON just because when all the other kpop groups try their best to be idols, iKON are doing their best to be less idols as much as possible xD

They pull faces and weird poses on red carpets, they spill tea and tell extremely embarrassing stories on tv, they take photos in their underwear and show up at fansigns in their favourite worn out T-shirts. They are extremely shy and confused at how to talk with other idols but they are gonna come up to fans to chill and bring them food, and they will suddenly run to pizza place and grocery shops to pay for your meal like a crazy neighbour guy. They be like "oh yeah, I married yesterday, anyway, look at the photo where I slept for 2 hours on a floor behind the curtain before the concert, isn't it funny"

iKON broke so many stereotypes and kpop rules and limitations when the whole world told them "you can't". Each member went on like 4-6 survival shows and they just do not give a fuck anymore. They were in yg basement for 10 years, they got depression and a trauma from losing their leader, yet they are unkillable. First group in kpop - again, breaking norms and paving the way for others - they left the agency and stayed together and kept the name because they couldn't imagine breaking up and losing all the songs they weren't able to release. They cried about loving each other so much and staying as more than a family was more important to them than their career - all while laughing that if it wasn't for a kpop group, they wouldn't befriend any of the members lmao.

They are idols for idols but iKON only want to present you their talents and crawl back to being just some dudes. But no, they are even just some dudes on a stage, too. Randomly hijacking festivals and making it their party with all fandoms. Laughing crazily and smiling when they dance because even forgetting choreo or all microphones and music not working isn't a good reason to not have fun with the crowd.

iKON have such a happy-go-crazy attitude and it's a breath of fresh air in modern kpop industry that I love so much. And now they finally have their freedom in new agency 🥺 And freedom looks so damn good on them.

[sanstropfremir]

it's kingdom time for real!!! the first episode is here and mnet finally uploaded the stages from like a month ago so i can actually watch them more than once to review.

happy to see them all actually performing. not the most interesting stages overall, but it was the 100sec one-take so i wasn’t expecting anything crazy. like the performance stages, this is about what i expected at this point in the show.

ranking under the cut, i have Opinions(tm) and they are not all pretty.

(anyone that’s seeing this for the first time, i’m a trained performance designer with over 30 credits and a decade of experience, yes i can talk about this with authority)

a few general notes:

this type of stage that mnet has built is called a traverse, or alley, stage. named exactly for the reason you think. it’s characterized by a narrow playing space with audience on opposite sides, and two entrances on either end. so mnet had a pretty typical setup. there are some advantages to this type of stage:

because of the narrow stage space and usually smaller audience capacity, the performer and audience are in much closer proximity

because of the shape of the space, blocking (choreography but for not-dance) can travel well and be very dynamic

it’s uncommon outside of midsize/small productions so there’s some novelty for the casual theatre goer

however! there are some pitfalls with this type of stage. the hardest type of stage to work with is (theatre) in the round. theatre in the round is characterized by being....in the round. that means the audience is placed 360 degrees around the playing space. which means that they can see everything; every entrance, every exit, every performer’s back, 360 degree sightlines means there is nowhere to hide. and in a medium that relies on concealment to create magic, it’s a tough stage to work with. not saying it doesn’t work. some of the most incredible shows i’ve been to have been theatre in the round, but when you go to those type of shows, as an audience member you understand that there will be some scenes where you only see the actors’ backs. there is no perfect seat in the round. the reverse is true as well, the actors can only act to those in front of them. and like i stated previously, on the production end it becomes difficult to hide things like props/set/costume changes that you might have been able to in another type of theatre. why am i talking about theatre in the round? because traverse works on exactly the same principle. even though the audience is only on two sides, the same issues still arise. directionality is key: a director has to be careful of how exactly the stage gets blocked.

why am i talking about stage formats? because the space always informs the performance, that’s why. i think mnet made a sort of smart choice to build a traverse stage. since the ‘audience’ is a video camera, that eliminates the need to play to the opposing seating banks, and opens up more staging opportunities. it’s a fancy looking stage that does what they need it to. 

now here’s my gripes. if you’re going to specifically orient a stage so that it is by nature directional, why are you broadcasting in a format where direction doesn’t matter? if the camera has no fixed position, then you’ve just skipped directly into in the round staging without taking into account the function of the space. it's a round peg in a square hole; yes it fits, but you can see the spaces where it doesn’t quite match up. for a very obvious example, any shot that is not staring directly down the barrel of the stage from left or right has audience in it. and not enough to be worthy of a reaction shots (because those are just cut in in post), but enough to just be there. why would you do that when you could just.....not? just go properly in the round and then you wouldn’t have that distraction. especially when the audience is wearing white. also, there are only so many ways you can stage on a traverse, you’re pretty much limited to directional points on a compass, because there are literal risers in the way. because of the way most groups are choreographed, the member layouts lean more towards having the members in a line than they do layering the members deep. this configuration is fine on a proscenium stage (which is what most stages are), and would even be fine on a traverse stage if you were playing to the risers. you could even do some interesting choreo alterations. but! because mnet has decided that the camera is perpendicular to the risers, that means that most of the formations are not optimized for the stage dimensions and are in fact the opposite dimensions. most of these groups are doing their longest blocking across the shortest area of stage, which is dumb. although it isn't much of a problem because the stage is still very large, but it's still a bizarre choice on behalf of mnet. why would you not arrange the stage so you have more clearance for the camera, the audience, and also the performers? i would have to check back over the rtk performances, but im pretty sure at one point they switch to an in the round stage. why are you not doing that from the start? this would also allow for more built setpieces. although it does remain to be seen if they do switch after this episode, since this particular challenge was a one-take with minimal props/set pieces. which segues to my next point: these groups barely took up the parameters of the challenge, or utilized them effectively! this is also mnet’s fault, mnet if you say that you’re gonna do a one-take, don't cut between seven other cameras!! show us the power of that single point of view! let the groups actually do some interesting blocking with the path of the camera! there’s so many interesting things they could have done, but no!! had to be boring!! i know this is technically an introductory stage, but i also don't care. these groups have (relatively) competent ADs and stylists, they can think outside the box.

ok now here’s my actual rankings:

1. btob

sorry babies, none of you can match them vocally. love you ateez but you sure fucked up picking them to go after you because they blew you out of the fucking water. and everyone else, but ateez cumulatively is the weakest vocally. more on that later. like the performance stage they showcased their strengths and the experience (and training) shows. good use of the directional stage having three vs one that came together in the middle. loved the white suit variations, im especially a sucker for a belted suit jacket. loved peniel's gigantic trench and massive earrings, very mid 90s, his stylist definitely took a lesson in how to accessorize very short hair. always love good use of fog. uniform colour theme, all elements were there to support the vocals. no complaints, chef’s kiss.

2. ikon

hey baby groups? see bobby having fun? do that more. i know you think performance face is sexy and serious but none of you know how to act and you all look dead inside on stage. the lights may be on but nobody’s home. anyways. excellent beginning formation, excellent ending formation, no complicated position changes that make the camera give you motion sickness. fun choreo that they are obviously having fun performing, which goes sooooo far in the success of a performance. only group so far to use silence as an effective device, and the arrangement was interesting and suited to the song+performance. i think it was smart of them not to deploy bobby right away, although it would have been funny to watch after whatever it was that stray kids was trying to do. again, like btob and also sf9, sticking to their strengths. costumes fun and fitting, indicative of both the colour of the group and of the song. nice detail in the monochrome and the black accent details.

3. sf9

taeyang is that bitch and they only way this would have been better is if he had actually grabbed the ties of those two other members (if you think i am going to remember anyone's names other than the people i already know you are wrong). love the confidence to waste a good chunk of your 90 seconds for walking and standing in formation. actual good use of one-take directional camera, even though they ruined it once they started dancing. choreo perfectly fine, lighting good complementary colour scheme, costumes nothing to write home about, surprisingly good projection design? wasn’t expecting that. im not the biggest fan white suit jackets over black shirts but ill give it a pass for the proper suit accessorizing.

4. ateez

i applaud your dedication to the pirate gimmick but boys you don't need that anymore, i promise. hongjoong's lil bloody cough was a fun gag that didn't draw too much attention but fit with the theme. came out of the gate strong with an actual clear narrative, which can be a challenge to do in 100 seconds, and the only group to have a narrative. also actual camera choreo! that was interesting! mnet stop fucking cutting to overhead shots! apparently im destined to always be beefing with the ateez stylists because what was the point of all that? very little variation in texture or pattern on matte all black just made any relevant details disappear. torch gimmick and end formation fun, and the arrangement had an obvious climax. weird and kinda fun projection design, but not helped by concert-style stage lighting. pick one or the other lighting designer, don't make them fight like that! props to them for actually having their mics on the whole time, even though they are probably the weakest group vocally. im also going to be beefing with the choreographer because they are always making seonghwa sing while doing ridiculous moves that make him go offkey. ateez has some of the stronger 4th gen vocals, but they're at a disadvantage because a) none of them have proper vocal training, and b) their main vocal is not actually a skilled singer and is destroying his voice.not a lot of vocals for them to showcase this stage and that was probably for the best. hanya (@changdyke) is in charge of vocals critique and will have more to say about this than me, even though i am also trained. im just here to talk about the production.

5. the boyz

im neutral to positive on tbz because i did really like their danger stage from rtk. this performance is just....fine. I don’t like the arrangement, but that's mostly personal opinion. but it doesn't have a conclusive end and the whole dissonance thing isn't really working for me in this instance. the choreo is quite flippy and tricking is not necessary for an interesting choreo. i did like the throwback/use of modern choreo, i think that's a strong choice for them and it's not something that many other groups are doing, so they should stick more to that than to tricking. the camera choreo is also not good. here’s where the clearance issues and fighting against the stage layout happen! stop making a handheld do a 180! are you trying to make us motion sick? to be fair, this is not the most egregious one, but at least ateez got it right by having a person lead the camera in a particular pattern. also, what even is the theme here? leatherclad boys in the forest? nobody give me any shit saying it's based off one of their music videos or whatever, that shouldn't matter. there should be a clear theme that can be easily identified without prior knowledge of the group, especially when this is an introductory stage and they are a relatively young group. none of the other groups have this issue. that being said, at least the costumes were interesting to look at, although thematically confusing. good use of accessories, texture, and bedazzling to make the black stand out against the stage. the hands in front of the camera were kind of fun but didnt really mean anything? again, back to the lack of clear concept. i did like them reaching out to pull that member forward, it would have been better if they had just left it at that.

6. stray kids

the more i watch this the more i hate it. im not even sorry about it anymore. starters, and i will admit this upfront: i do not like most 4th gen music, so the spiderman meme groups are already operating on a deficit in my point of view. and i particularly did not like this arrangement. same as with tbz, why did it not have a conclusive end? also overuse of sound effects. and stop saying your fucking band name! the only musician that’s allowed to do that is jason derulo and thats because hes a meme now. but twice in 100 seconds? no. and what was the point of that logo/crown reveal? im tired of crown reveals we have seen them so many times by now, we don't need to see it again. was it meant to be that they were carving it into the ground?? very unclear. there was an attempt with camera choreo, and i will admit that the pan up and then back down to the ‘wolf pack’ was probably the strongest moment in the whole performance. the lights were in their mouths, by the way. however, the rest of the choreo is all over the map, quite literally. as with tbz there’s a lot of members in the group and so in order for everyone to get their screen time they break down into smaller groups, which i don't disagree with on principle, but here.........the breakdowns are just tricking, which although eyecatching, does not a very compelling or cohesive choreo make. even the unison choreo is weird, obviously its stylized horror but it just looks awkward and strange. you can make awkward/unattractive choreo work (see taemin’s want, or even move, to some extent)***, but skz doesn't have an ounce of the charisma that taemin has so it just looks awkward. also, that rapid switch between opposite sides of the stage? nausea inducing. ateez was the one with the pirate concept but skz apparently trying to make us seasick. im not gonna say anything about that rap other than it was bad, why was that allowed on stage. the sparkthrower was fun but that's like the 14th gimmick in this 100 second stage and that’s too many gimmicks. costumes are truly nothing to write home about, extremely unclear relation to the theme. if you're gonna be wolves then at least have some fur accents or something. the makeup effects were a bit over the top and not necessary in the actual performance. a hairdresser needs to thin out felix’s hair because he looks like he's wearing one of those lego hair helmets. oh, i did like that one guy’s shirt with the collarbone cutout, but again: how is that relevant to the theme? cmon people!!!! design the whole experience!! im sure there’s more i could write but holy shit this is long and im tired and also i don't want to watch this stage anymore.

ok im done. jesus this is long. again, this is just the intro stage so i suspect that some of my complaints will become null next week, but we’ll have to see! well, what i actually want to see is changmin insulting children but i’m not holding out hope for that to happen. hopefully we see some more spectacle-y stages and i can really go in.

***this is not me saying that taemin has a bad choreo that he’s making the best of. want is purposefully choreographed that way in order to showcase taemin’s ability. same with move. the point of want is that it IS awkward and should not be seductive or appealing and yet it still is. almost like....it’s in the name of the song or something.....

[moonjjks]

hello hello, it’s your local starry jungkook enthusiast, here with my very first follow forever~

Thank you so incredibly much to every single person who follows me!! You guys are the absolute sweetest and always brighten up my day! Bangtan has honestly really changed my life in the most positive way, and I don’t know where I would be without them. I made this blog during a really hard time in my life, and to think that it’s already been a year is so wild to me. At the same time I can’t believe it’s only been a year and I’ve already gotten to see them three times. Life is hard, but bts has helped me find ways to find joy in the little things. This blog has been a blessing in disguise from the day I started it, and it continues to be a place of love and support, and I sincerely cannot thank you all enough! 💕

To be honest I have no business making this still, but I hit a follower milestone that I never expected to ever reach on this sideblog, and the one year anniversary of this blog is coming up! (That, and I already made that cute lil header so I had to use it) So in celebration, here are some of the wonderful blogs that I follow! 

mutuals are bolded

♡ - i love you with my whole entire heart

✨ - go to the bottom for a sappy lil note 

# - i

@2awake | @angelbabyjiminie ♡ | @angeljk | @aurjeon | @aurtae | @bunjunggukie | @bwiae | @bwinkook | @chaewonsorbit ♡✨ | @chimchimbby | @dailyjeons | @ehtaehreal | @epiphenys | @femmetae | @flowerprincetae ♡✨ | @flowerjjk | @gcfstae | @glitterjjk ♡ | @guksdimple ♡✨ | @gukseuphoria ♡✨ | @ikons ♡✨ | @in2tae ♡

j - m

@jengkook | @jeonbase | @jeonggukbun ♡ | @jeonpetals ♡✨ | @jeonquil | @jeonsdear | @jeonsjjk | @jeonssrose | @jiminestamour ♡ | @jinbeann ♡ | @jinies ♡✨ | @jinsjade  | @jiminparke | @jjiminssi | @jjkguk ♡ | @joonpd |  @jungsth | @jungcf | @kara | @ksjknj | @ktheaven ♡ | @mangaetteok | @mangenstein | @mingani | @minshoot | @minyoongsueit | @monosjoon ♡ | @moonchildtual 

n - z

@nochujung ♡ | @officialjjk | @outrojk | @parksjimins ♡ | @qtyoong ♡✨ | @rmseoul | @rosegoldje0n ♡ | @rosejjk | @sevenducklings ♡ | @sgyoongi | @skelejimin ♡ | @skswriting | @spookiiguks ♡ | @spookychimmy | @stardustjeon ♡ | @stargazingjin ♡✨ | @strawbery-moon | @sugakookieislife | @sugakookmins | @sweetopiaa | @trickjktreat |  @utopiajeon ♡ | @yoonseok 

  ✨  Mutual Loving Time  ✨

bee: my carpe my diem 😘 my very best friend and my darling girlfriend. Part of me wonders how we would have happened had we not discovered bts, but tbh I’m glad that I never have to find out, because both bts and you have vastly improved my life in the past year alone, and I think our beginning is perfect just the way it is. You have the world’s biggest heart, and you continuously put me and my needs above your own. I've been so broken for so long, but you handle me with the utmost care. You’re so gentle with me, and my healing has been slow but every day I heal a little more thanks to you. You’re the very cutest and you make me smile every day. thank you for showing me all of the love i never knew i deserved. 💕💜💕

sav: SAV!!!! It’s been ages since we’ve talked (highkey because I’m the worst and I’m so sorry I’m so terrible with communication), but you were the very first friend I ever made on this blog, and I’ll always have immense love for you! I’m always creeping and wishing you the very best in the world. I love and miss you!! 💕 

lea: you are just the brightest person in the whole wide world, you shine so radiantly and you lift up everyone around you!! You are genuinely one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met and I absolutely adore you. You’re always checking in on me and offering comfort and I suck at keeping in touch with people but please know I am also always here for you!! I love you, thank you so much for being you!! 💕

sara: miss sara!!! we’ve both been so busy lately that we haven’t gotten a chance to talk much, but i love and miss you dearly!! You’re the sweetest ray of sunshine and I’m so glad we decided to start our own net!! There’s no one I would’ve rather done it with! You’re so kind and SO incredibly talented!! Your headers always make me so soft 😍 I’m always thinking about you and wishing you well!! 💕 

power trio: MY FAM!!! I love you two so incredibly much!! You always manage to brighten up my day! 💕 You’re both so intelligent and eloquent and also absolutely hysterical, you always keep a smile on my face. You guys are always so supportive, and I know I an always count on you for an accidental yeehaw when I need it 🤠✊. I couldn’t ask for a better twin or triplet, together we shall rule over all of ssbts 👑💜

rina: miss rina i love you so much I tagged both of your blogs!!! You are just the very sweetest and I love and appreciate you so incredibly much! Thank you so much for reaching out whenever I really need someone and for sharing your own experiences with me. You are SO incredibly talented, I’m always in awe of all of your creations!! You’re always so well-spoken and just the very sweetest I’m soft 💕 Also thank you again for the greatest url on the planet, I truly love it so much ;~; 

rebecca: We only just started talking, but you are so incredibly sweet and hysterical and I love you dearly!!! Every hufflepuff needs a slytherin!! 💕 I love yelling about how much we both love bts together, and I’m always here to help make sure you’re up to date with content!  💕

skippy: you get a message too cause I know you’ll see this. My note for you is:

u suck.

lol jk (💕) (has that joke gotten old? yes. will i stop doing it? no) the jinkook relationship is strong with this one tbh. We tease each other a bunch, but the love is always and will always be there. My concert buddy to the end apparently, I truly never expected you to follow me down the kpop hole and I’m never gonna shut up about it because it always makes me laugh 😂💕 You’re one of the funniest people I know (truly like the mvp himself I hope you know), and I love you lots. Anyways you’re fab, thank you for being the best bud I could ask for and for being awake at hours when everyone else is usually asleep~ #loops4life

[jm-3am]

The letter that goes nowhere.

Hello.

Um.

Did I end up accomplishing all 20 things on my list?

Oh. Not at all.

How’d you find this then? Well, I guess after it’s all said and done, the people who are really curious and really taken aback will go on a detective hunt, right?

Right. Well.

I should have written this before I went hysterical, but my head’s not screwed on correctly. You know? Yeah. You know. You’ll probably know by now.

And by now, it’s apparent that I’m not who I said I was.

I’m not really soft. Or nice. Or sunshine despite all the overly flowery terms and emojis, I’m mostly. Um. Nervous.

I think that’s the best way to put it. Stressed could be an extension of this.

Should I even begin to explain why? Or should we skip that part? I don’t know. It’s not very interesting - you’re typical screwed up childhood story. Just another novel - another semi-decent plot that’ll never be a blockbuster.

My earliest memory might be when my parents dropped me off to some relatives and left me there for a while. Call it abandonment issues, but when you’re used to hearing your father say you’re unplanned, a mistake, you cost him his good job in NYC and forced him to move down to the suburbs, and your mother argue “well should I have aborted it?” before he sighs and says no because abortion is a sin, then what? What was I supposed to think? I thought they were giving me away.

I think I was 3, going on 4? Anyway. I learned real quick that nobody’s worth it. Absolutely nobody. My life was worthless because it cost someone a job. My life was worthless because it made people fight. It was so worthless they gave me to strangers because they were tired. And they had to take care of my twin brothers who were babies.

I love my twin brothers, actually. Even though they always call me dumb for not getting vine references and not understanding pop culture, and make fun of me for “supporting the gays” because while they’re super conservative, I’m that one strange pseudo-religious liberal. They’re good people (I think.) They hold the door open for others, they clean the church, they say please and thank you. Actually, these are basic manners, but I guess the arm really does bend INWARDS. They’ll be okay when they grow up I suppose, but right now (despite them only being 2 years younger than me and the closest people I’m allowed to come in contact with - I can’t possibly tell them how I feel). How and why would they understand? Besides, Min always says this, but he won’t come to my funeral. He can’t deal with his sister “being mental.”

Mother? Mom? Well, I suppose she’ll cry. Maybe then I’ll actually get to hear her say the words “I love you” - I remember once, I was maybe in 3rd grade and my teacher had brought her child to work for take-your-child-to-work day. I was surprised how easily she said she loved her daughter - in front of all of us! That night when I went home I asked my mom to tuck me into bed. She at least followed me to my room and said she’ll close my door. I think she was trying. I really think she was. I told her I loved her - I asked her to say it back. She said no. She told me to just go to sleep. In high school I pretended to do a “cultural interview” and asked her why Korean mothers don’t tell their kids they love them. She said it’s embarrassing and unnecessary. Also, the most important thing for any family relationship isn’t love - it’s respect. Huh. I learned something new that day.

I gave up on loving my family. I certainly never learned to respect them. I acknowledge their presence.

They barely acknowledge mine.

 It’s sad. I’m looking at the letters on my desk (I think this letter is already longer than all the other three COMBINED). Why three?

Father doesn’t get one.

2017. The last time I wrote a letter to him.

I found it in the trash later as I was taking it out.

The flowers I had hand drawn onto the edges were smudged with banana. It was a pretty funny sight. It was my suicide letter, actually. Asking him to change, to try harder, if he actually wanted me to stay because I was tired.

Did I take it out of the trash?

Why would I.

It was addressed to “아빠” - I call him father or by his last name, now.

Just like the rest of the people at our Church.

I wonder why “adults” have enough authority and credibility to make up lies that are more believable than the truth. We were at a church gathering when my father attacked me with a golf club and the brothers had to pull him off of me as I slid under the billiards table - we were at church when my 5 year old brother was accused of pulling the fire-alarm and he slapped him so hard Matt went flying backwards and hit his head on a display (turns out, another kid in a different room was playing and hit the fire alarm). Everybody saw it. They heard it. They even stepped in to stop him.

But that was just because he lost his cool. All the times I skipped church at home with bruises so bad they couldn’t be covered, every time I limped in and sat still for 2 hours, every strangely placed band aid. “She fell down the stairs” - “she went ice skating with friends and fell” - “Her lip? It’s because she keeps peeling away at it” - “the bruise on her forehead? She was getting into the van and hit her head on the TV”

Nobody ever asked if it was true.

I just (this is so selfish), but I wanted one person to look me in the eye and say, “Is that what happened?” - Nobody did.

I guess that’s how credible the preacher’s words are.

Besides that what else is there? Being dragged out as he gripped my hair and threatened to chain me to his truck and drive down the road while I gasped for enough breath to apologize.

Taking a knife and hacking off my hoodie that I was wearing.

Throwing my albums.

Throwing me against the door and hitting me with a wooden broom until I eventually said sorry for something I didn’t do.

And each time, my mom took my brothers and hid.

I remember the one time my brother and father got into a fist fight. Do you know what my mom did? The woman I thought was scared. Who I thought couldn’t handle this. Who I even protected and got hit with a frying pan IN HER PLACE?

She tackled my father to the ground.

I realized then... it’s not that she couldn’t. She didn’t.

She had priorities.

It was always Josh.

Despite it all. I don’t hate my brothers. Again. How can I. It feels like they’re always the one who eventually step in to stop me from myself.

Especially Josh. I really tried to keep going this time. This year I thought. I thought it would be different. Actually, since the middle half of 2018 I was doing so much better!

He begged me to live. Just live.

Day by day that’s what I did.

He even helped me, supported me going back to what I used to love.

Dancing, and iKON, and going online to start blogging again. He helped me lie about needing a laptop for college, helped me when I came close to being figured out - clean accounts, new IDs for phone checks and laptop confiscations. He tried so hard to keep me alive.

Why. Can’t I be grateful?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I never did get medicated.

Never got diagnosed, actually.

2017 March - I tried killing myself in the bathroom and my mom broke the door down.

2017 December I tried to kill myself in my room, and my brother slept on the floor the whole night to make sure I couldn’t go anywhere. All the kitchen knives he locked in a cabinet in his room with a key that he wore around his neck.

Same with our medicine cabinet. The youngest sat in a chair right next to our medicine drawer all night.

But nope.

We never talk about it to doctors. Or counselors.

We’re not allowed to.

Who’d believe us, anyway?

“Why are you depressed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then you aren’t.”

$500.00

isn’t that how it works?

I don’t know. The one time I cried in front of a counselor my father assigned me - it was at church - and they read me some bible scriptures and told me to pray every night and if I believe in the Lord? It’ll all be fine.

I cry to the Lord every time.

He’s never saved me before.

I didn’t want to be the type of person who pointed fingers yet here I am. I suppose I blamed everybody except for the problem. Me.

In the end, nobody else is at fault. It’s me.

I should live this life because it’s given to me, and I should deal with it. It’s my lot. I’m that ungrateful one who’s kicked it aside. Is that why they say “kicked the bucket?”

I also didn’t want to be the cause of anybody’s sadness or... discomfort, actually. I think discomfort is the right word. When I lose people it’s beyond just a ‘sadness’ - I shake, I go numb (I really realize what it feels like for blood to stop flowing), once I melted in panic, and another time I hid from the world in a little closet refusing to believe it.

In retrospect though, I realized I kept living. At first I was really angry that the world could keep turning without her. My childhood friend. I was really really angry that everybody seemed so fine. Her mother kept going to work, her father even moved on, our friends stopped mentioning her, and even me. The person I thought was her closest friend - even I stopped thinking of her everyday and that angered me. How dare I? You know? How could I? If I didn’t remember her, then how sad would she be? How wronged would she feel? But the more I grew the harder life got, and weekends full of piano lessons and sneaking up to her attic afterwards so we could play with her cat turned into recitals, practice, games, church services, and studying.

All that damned studying.

Because that’s apparently the only thing I was good at. And news flash - wasn’t particularly good at it, either.

Anyway, where was this going?

Right.

Nowhere.

Is anybody still reading?

Probably not.

It’s a bunch of mumble jumble but in the end. In the end.

I hope people don’t think I’m delicate, or breakable or that they should have treated me any differently.

Actually, I’d say I’m pretty strong and unfazed.

Nothing really hurts me - I’m so used to hearing the worst of the worst.

“You’re fat, you’re ugly, you look fake, you seem fake, you’re awkward, you’re dumb, shut up, prude, slut, weirdo,” - literally, none of that fazes me. If you told me that I’d just think “wow... you’re very honest with yourself and others. That’s not very mannerly, and I hope you don’t treat others that way, but thanks for sharing your opinion! It was interesting to listen to.” After all, they’re just sharing a snippet of their mind to me. It may even be the truth. Why should I be offended? What gives me the right to be mad? It’s their opinion on me.

Would I be mad if they said that about others I knew? Yeah. Because I know not everybody’s like me. They shouldn’t go around hurting those who don’t deserve it.

Anyway, again, where was this going? Ah. Right. I’m not hurt by anything. Not affected by much. Even if people completely ignore me! I don’t get particularly sour or sad about it - happens naturally and all the time.

I hope people aren’t beating themselves up thinking “I should have done X, Y, Z.” No actually.

You couldn’t have known.

I despise oversharing. IT always leaves me feeling guilty and cautious. Like I’ve changed a dynamic. 

I don’t want that.

I always wanted to be a comfortable shelter to people.

Someone they can open up to and give sadness too, but didn’t necessarily have to hear back from. Like a one way valve.

So. Whoever made it this far.

You couldn’t have known.

You couldn’t have done anything different.

Despite what you think - you DID give me small bits of happiness.

I finally. I finally knew what the outside world was like.

People predicted that by the time I was 30 and married to someone my family thoroughly vetted I’d learn what it’s like ‘outside.’ I doubt them though. I’m paying for my own education so I can find some sort of work - so I don’t have to be a stay at home mom, who goes grocery shopping, takes care of the kids, cleans, goes to church, repeat. So that my circle wouldn’t stay this small.

But.

I guess some people really live their whole lives in a small circle.

All I have is my family, the small town church circle (with nobody my age... the closest person being 28), and the friends I was allowed to have over to my house (only) but not allowed to go out with from high school (who, all had closer best friends since... well, I never hung out with them outside of school).

For a few months though I felt alive (nervous as hell) but alive.

Who knew people could get so close online? Share pictures and stories and accomplishments and love? Be happy together, sad, mad, even 19+ together (hahha). I was mind blown. Amazed.

I wondered.

If that. was. normal? Did the world... did people in the world do that?

Meet up? Keep connections going? Care?

This is turning weirdly. Educational.

I guess I should accomplish something from the top 20.

May... I’m not like you. I can’t run away. I’m a coward, actually. I can’t call the police, can’t talk to the authorities. I guess I should tell you it’s because it’s 1 vs 4. I know nobody at home will side with me. I can’t blame them. They’re scared, and they have nothing to lose. Actually, if they just lose me it might be perfect. I was always the one who didn’t go the way they planned.

Yooj. I’ll just. I’ll just text you. I think you deserve it.

Dekota - I’m sorry. In 10 years you and your girlfriend will be taking bubble baths together, and walking to the market while the sunsets just to get ice cream, and your shoes will kick pebbles out of the way, and your hair will be dyed whatever color is cool in 2029 and the world will be better. promise. You’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it, okay? I did see your last twitter message to me. Yeah. I’m okay now.

Autumn: Always keep your head up, you’re the most beautiful, the most loyal, the most diligent, the most honest. Without you I would have never gotten away from Hope. You changed my life.

Bri: I suppose this is a good time to say, you’re my fav? Haha. You’re also the only one in the family I called up. I regretted that a lot. It took a lot of your time, and I was being selfish, but. You have a really nice voice. Remember I said you sounded like my God sister? No. I realize now that that voice is yours now. You sounded like you. You did sound like home though. The few hours(?) I spent talking to you made the years I was alone and lonely feel okay. If it were up to me, I would have never hung up. I heard a lot of your poems, but I never got to read you one...

“Love is not always staying

in the same place

Love is being in the right one

when they’re looking for you”

I don’t know what I’m saying - never really been in a heart wrenching, or particularly nice, or desperate kind of love, but that’s my interpretation I guess. I imagine it’d be like that, don’t you? I hope you find someone who’s always there for you when you need it.

Sam: As I’ve said before. I never wanted an older sister, I always looked up to my cousin and wanted an older brother, but unnie. I got to know you, and I realized. I wanted an older sister. Actually maybe I just wanted to keep calling you unnie. Thank you for everything. I hope the world, the people around you, I hope they appreciate you for everything you’re doing and all that you are. Eventually, I hope you’re at the top - I hope you go so high in life and have so much fun on the way that you don’t regret it. I hope you’re content and happy - I was because of you.

Dep & Bea - The parents hahah the two BEA-utiful people (I can’t believe I’m pushing through with that! But I am!) Thank you for accepting me. I never knew the word “parents” and “children” could be so fun. I’m glad I got to experience it for a while ^^ ~ your latest daughter (who by the way, has now understood your hate for pineapple pizza, it is all up to personal taste, right? Kekeke, I heard Korea has a sweet potato pizza?! What do you think about that?!!)

Christina - sorry I killed double heart anon (oh my, that sounds so cruel! Double heart anon wasn’t even that active, right?! I just wanted to brighten your day because you brighten ours. Actually, on my phone you’re “Christina 빛이나” (It rhymes!!!) I wish that you keep shining

똑똑 Alfa! (Knock knock - no no no it actually was supposed to be “smart” but the no one came out and now it’s a double meaning!) You’re by far the smartest person I’ve befriended - I’m sure we can all agree, we’re super proud!

Joyce - “Joyce over flowers” - nim hahaha the flower of our group chat, I’m honored to have seen you graduate and keep on going for your dreams, I’ll always watch over you and make sure you’re safe! No matter what you choose to do and where you choose to go, I hope it’s only a flower path for you ^^

Celine - you’re art, you know that? You know?! Everybody should tell you this! You’re ART!

Drew - Intellect if I’ve ever seen one - I know we mostly talked about stanning and how terrible the big three were, but besides that I hope you never lose your cute smile and your whole aesthetic touch. I hope you go through life being as beautiful as always. When you’re happy you glow - your humor made my days and nights!

Nista - Sunshine :’) I’d go blind by staring at your beauty! Your personality always made me happy and warm on the inside, sunshine!

Quinn - I don’t know if I was special to you, but you were special to me; I know I promised we could talk about anything and everything, but you still can! You can still talk to me; I’ll always listen to you. You’re probably one of the people who understood me the best. I hope... that eventually you stop understanding me and find the happiness you deserve and the fulfillment you were looking for

Heera - I’m still on your side. I’ll always be on your side. Through your ‘questionable’ food choices to your ‘anti bobby’ ways - I got you. I really do. And if I let you down, I’m truly sorry.

Anis - I’ll always be sending a hug your way.

Hope - I forgave you. A long time ago, before I even realized it. So let’s move on. Okay?

Jae - You had the most on your plate. I hope you’re handling them one by one. You’re wayyyy more amazing than you give yourself credit for. You’re superhuman~~~ really! Your future is bright, just remember to take one step at a time (AND YOUR WATER BOTTLE!!!)

Julia - It’s been years and I never had the courage to go back but, I did think about you a few times. I actually found you on twt once I started back up. You looked happy. You were doing and saying nice things. It made me happy. I didn’t follow, I didn’t message you, I didn’t bother you by pulling you back into our past that was parts painful and parts hilarious (you’ll never ever see this - but I admired you a lot).

JJ - There were words I never said to you because saying them out loud was scary. I loved you. A lot. And new people came, crushes that moved in then out really quickly, because nobody was you. I hoped that I would eventually learn to love anew, but I know that deep down I never fell out. I’ll probably never fall out.

This letter came nowhere. It’ll go nowhere.

Just like me ^^ But that’s good. It’s not meant to, anyway.

- Just Me (Jung Min)