#anyway like. i don’t think tamar had a preexisting constitution that was destined for x it was just. she wanted it she wanted it badly. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lepertamar · 1 year

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i hate………it when my loves’s patterns look like they are mere expressions of a preexisting and underlying platonic ideal i Actually love…..there was a post i saw asking if ppl had any kinks that they only had specifically in the context of doing it at or with one specific person, the implication and responses suggested this was very strange and unusual and it made me realize……nearly .all my kinks are like this—i do not have a kink for x, and merely want someone who is able to fulfill it. i have a kink for ‘doing x with this one specific person who is not interchangeable with any other person on earth who has ever lived.’ same with broader contexts of relationships—i don’t want to be looking for someone who fits Into a preexisting slot for me, i am not into a particular 'type' of thing and looking for real things that can fill—or mimic, live up to, sort of approximate—that role. that is not me! that is so not me!

sure there are obviously some patterns but that’s different, that’s only after the fact. the encounters are what create the pattern in me in the first place. my loves — in ideas, stories, etc — are not ‘oh this is an Example of the preexisting Thing i want’. they are things that i encountered that caused some kind of reaction in my electron bonds that cause me to stick to it and become a slightly different shape, and sure some of that is only possible because of what i am, but mostly it’s that once i have encountered this thing that reshapes my electron bonds and sticks to me, then i also become capable of sticking to similar things, or completely different things i wasn't able to stick to before, sometimes due to convoluted associations, often transcending the association after a bit and connecting with the other things independently of it. i have a really really hard time not reflexively — even just in my own brain—‘justifying’ my loves and patterns by trying to make up an underlying preexisting Empty Slot in the way other people do — trying unthinkingly to explain and come up with ‘a type’ (preexisting) that this one singular particular one-of-a-kind thing or person is just a mere example of/fitting candidate for—but it’s a lie when i do this. it’s lying to myself, and lying to others. i think i have done it on this blog before. but it’s ugly, and untrue, and not me.

#i was talking intensely with someone this morning about this and how they have….been unlearning this same reflex #and that MY blog is what helped them? which is great but it also makes me aware of how much i DO do this even if it’s less #anyway like. i don’t think tamar had a preexisting constitution that was destined for x it was just. she wanted it she wanted it badly.#once she encountered she was besotted. it was not one Way of expressing a true self. and Also not like she’d be incomplete if she'd never #started wanting it. maybe not something she’d HAVE wanted so badly if she encountered it differently. but she DID. and so it became Of her.#like IRL...g-d who set-Its-heart-on am yisrael not because we were An Example of Its ideal but because It did.#the falling in love is the first principle. not falling in love with an example that fit what It wanted in a mate but #wanting and continuing to want and putting the effort into it becuz the love happened and could not be helped.#‘she did something sacred and she’s still burning?’ and ‘i’m someone who’s done that..part of me (now)....’#(“And the nature of his [soul]… was it to be enveloped? He is suspicious suddenly that it was *not*. that #his life could have taken a different path but instead he has found himself here. [….] but how lucky he is that what he is to see is this--#coal sings #sehhinah

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