#anyway thank you for coming to my complaining sesion

[smrtelnaaleziva]

(long post; no tw, i am just sad)

i do not know if this is just me and i am complaining too much or if other chronically ill (or even disabled) people can relate to this but dae take it really badly when their health issues fuck them over, especially if it is at the worst possible time?

for background, i have severe migraines (i dont consider myself diasbled but i have them frequently enough for it to be an issue, in december alone i had 15 headache days) and i have severe mental illness. i am also uni student.

last week i had six finals that i studied like crazy for (except for latin cause i really did not have energy for that one). on thursday i was supposed to have three. the entire week my anxiety has been horrible and on thursday i woke up with awful migraine.

i went to the first final that i had at 8 AM. because i did really well on exams before, i only needed one point out of six. i took otc medicine bc i still thought that maybe it isnt that bad, i am afraid of taking my sumatriptan too much (mistake). before i even got to school, my migraine progressed so much i started having trouble with my vision (in general my vision is bad but glasses correct it - that doesnt happen during my bad migraines). my vision was spotty and really blurry in one of my eyes and i couldnt read.

i took the first final. i got 0.75 points. awesome.

i didnt even bother going to the second one (it was latin anyway, there was 50-50 chance i fail), instead i went back to dorms and i am glad i did because i started puking. i managed to take my sumatriptan, another otc analgesic and used anxiety medicine to knock myself out so i get at least some sleep before the last final that i had in the afternoon.

it helped, i mean i still had bad migraine but at least it was dulled now. i passed, surprisingly bc my eyesight was still pretty bad and that doesnt mix well with lab work so i am glad.

now, failing a final in my country isnt that bad of a thing? like they dont count towards our gpa, only major exams do. i have eleven subjects this semester and only four of them have major exams so that is fine. you need to pass the finals to be able to take the major exams but you get three attempts at every one of them. that means that yeah, they are hard, but one bad day like this doesnt fuck you over as much.

i am still extremely upset by the whole thing. i worked really hard to pass, arguably more than some other people, but i still failed due to circumstances outside of my control. i hate hate being chronically ill. it feels like i really need to work way harder than other people to be on their level due to my memory issues caused by my mental illness... and i can still fuck up just because my brain decides to fuck me over.

i know the world is unfair and all that stuff but i am still upset by this fact. if feels really unfair. i often daydream about being completely okay and how my life would be if i was. but i am not. that is the reality. there is no permanent cure for migraines, there is no way i will ever fully recover from my mental illness. so i am sad, obviously. and when i having hard time to accept this and cry about it, my mum tells me i need to stop pitying myself and instead focus on the future. i know she is well meaning and probably right but it still feels very invalidating.

idk, am i being too dramatic or is this normal reaction? either way, it still sucks. i am not sure why i am writing this, maybe to complain, but i guess i really need someone to tell me i am not crazy for thinking like this.