#anyway this is the dragon ball z shit i was referring to in my other post

[lateleviathan]

Saki, Mai, Michiru, and Kaoru vs Goyan(Full Power)

[allseeinganalyst]

Sailor Moon Crystal (Season 1) Review

Let me tell you a story...

The year was 2011 (oh dear gods, that was 12 years ago HELP ME), and this Analyst was but a baby, burgeoning weeb. A mere 17 years old, set to turn 18 in November of that year. I'd just finished high school (grade 10) and was off to complete what my state refers to as college - In reality, years 11-12 of high school, just at a different institution, because I don't know, take it up with the state government.

I was still fairly new to being a weeb - I'd only gotten into anime midway into 2009, and for all that time, I'd had a friend who acted like my "supplier" - Bringing me a 2GB USB stick to school each day, loaded with .RMVB video files of whatever anime he wanted me to watch next. Honestly the setup was a little strange, in retrospect, and he was ODDLY secretive and gatekeepy about it, treating it like this special thing between us and... The more I think about it, the odder it gets but ANYWAY...

That "supplier" friend had since moved away (I shit you not, he was trying to get into a Japanese Exchange Student program, again, I shit you not). So had my best friend. All other friends I had had popped off to another college. I was alone, at a new school, with no friends. It's 2011 - i'm still a year away from meeting the love of my life, what little social life I had is crippled, my closest friend is gone, and the supplier of Japanese-Cartoons-That-Brought-Me-A-LOT-of-Joy-And-Pissed-Off-My-Mum-For-Some-Reason is currently trying to actually transform his life into one of said cartoons, complete with Japanese High School - Again, I am not kidding.

This left your not-so-dashing Analyst with no one to share a fanboy moment with, no one to give him the next show that he could get into, no one to argue about who the Best Girl™ was... Just a single weeb, alone.

This was 2011 - At this point, anime was slowly seeping into the mainstream scene, but we were a long way off the "grade schoolers declaring "My Hero Academia is my comfort show" stage, and where I am is slower than most places at catching up to mainstream pop culture anyway.

I did have a couple of things going for me. I had the websites where my "supplier" had used to download all that fansubbed anime, and I had what I would currently do unholy, unspeakable things to get back... Time.

So what was this Junior Weeb Analyst to do? I cast my mind back to some of the things that led me to get into anime in the first place. I thought back to many, many cartoons on before-school shows like "Cheez TV", that only later did I realize were indeed anime.

And so, with a mindset forming that "to appreciate what we have, we must understand where it came from" (something I still hold as true to this day), I set myself off on what I - melodramatically, but consistently - refereed to as my "tour". I vowed to return to the shows that had led me here, and see them as they were meant to be seen.

(That meant in subtitled Japanese of course - The Sub vs Dub debate was alive and well back in those days, and this idiot analyst was firmly on the "Sub" side. I've grown a lot since then, and also I think that debated ended by mid 2013 as dub quality had MUCH improved. Now most anime I watch is in dub.)

I watched a LOT of shows on that tour. Dragon Ball Z, Cardcaptor Sakura, even a decent hunk of the original Pokemon (in JAPANESE)... And among those shows, and perhaps the one that took me the longest to get through but also left itself with a special place in my heart, I watched Sailor Moon.

I've GOT to get better at cutting to the point during these introductions...

It's funny how, over a decade later, things have a way of repeating in the most unexpected of ways. Of course, I'm not alone anymore - I have a wonderful partner who I met in 2012, and we've been together for all this time. I meet almost weekly for Discord calls with my best friends. I have a full time job and a steady income - Things couldn't be further from the days when I took that "tour" and yet...

As my previous review might have indicated, I've been tackling some personal stuff lately. To say the landscape has changed from those days is like saying that the ocean is damp. Bogged down by negative fandom interactions and a deluge of toxic and ever-prevelant socaial media-fuelled opinions, it's only recently that I've gone: "fuck it, I'm taking a break" - Cutting out a that online loudness left me in a quiet space where for once I could just... Enjoy things again.

So, replacing pirated .RMVB files with Blu-Ray disks, and the chance to really "get into something" again, where did my thoughts to turn? Well, I found myself thinking of that old "tour". And whilst that had been about a return to the path that led me where I was, I decided I wanted to watch something that could represent the present-and-future. And wouldn't you know it, thanks to some advertising for an upcoming movie, I remembered that, sitting on my shelf, buried amongst the "I swear I'll get to this someday" series, was the perfect series for that exact purpose.

A remake of Sailor Moon:

Sailor Moon Crystal

Phew! Okay! We've finally arrived at the actual POINT.

My formative years as a weeb had already left me with a soft spot for Magical Girl anime - You've just read all about my journey to watch Sailor Moon - So when a truer-to-the-manga anime adaptation was released in 2014, of course I knew about it. I recall watching maybe 3-4 episodes of it, in Japanese, before dropping it for reasons I don't recall, but I'm sure made sense at the time. I've always been meaning to get around to it, and seeing that Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon Cosmos The Movie was coming out this year was really a kick in the rear to go and watch the damn show.

As of 04/04/2023, I have now fully completed the first season, and thus, decided to write up my review - I'll state again for anyone that happens to be reading this for some reason (and if you're still with me, congratulations, you made it through my rambling, Granpa Simpson-esqu introduction - Now run because dear god, it doesn't end there, save yourself.) - I write these reviews and thoughts down as a mental health exercise, to put my thoughts somewhere that I can revisit them. I act as though I'm speaking to an audience, but the only real intended reader here is me. Still - if you ARE reading this, I state that these are only my opinions. They're not objective in any way. If you disagree, that's fine, feel free to tell me even, but I'm not out here to change anyone's mind.

Having finally got all that out of the way, lets yell "MOON PRISM POWER, MAKE UP!", change into our Sailor Uniforms and dive into it. Spoilers ahead!

Many smarter, more well known, better read and well respected reviewers and analysts of media have said that a piece of media should be judged on it's own merits, and not compared to previous adaptations, original source material, or other related pieces of media.

That's good, solid advice, which I agree with and am now about to throw out the window, because this review is going to compare Crystal to the original Sailor Moon anime A LOT.

The thing is, I don't think I can be fully fair to Crystal WITHOUT the comparison, and the reason I think that is fairly straightforward:

Sailor Moon Crystal is not intended as someone's first entry into Sailor Moon.

(Again. Purely my opinion. Disagree with me if you like.)

Let me explain:

I am not unfamiliar with Sailor Moon, as you might have guessed. Whilst I have only watched the original anime series (and it's associated movies), I am aware of the original Manga, I'm aware that Crystal is trueER to that text than the first anime, I'm even aware in a cursory capacity of the live action TV and stage shows.

And I think this knowledge is somewhat assumed for viewers heading into Crystal because, without it - It can feel very rushed. See, fans of the Manga have read the manga, they know what happens. So if they're watching it because they want to see a manga adaptation, well, they're heading into it fully armed with that knowledge.

Similarly, a fan of the original anime like myself is most likely watching this because "OOOOH, NEW SAILOR MOON" and it's reputation as being truer to the manga. We're heading into it for the sake of seeing the characters, setting and plots we know and love.

Someone who has no prior knowledge of Sailor Moon would not head into this anime with any of that, and thus, would be caught off guard by it's rapid, almost too fast, pacing, multiple character introductions, lack of characterization and in some cases, no real explanation for a number of things. I would imagine that Crystal would not be an especially incredible, or in some cases, even good experience for that person.

Crystal is for the fans. The fans who know what's coming. In the first three episodes, Crystal rapid-fire introduces characters, not just limited to Usagi/Sailor Moon and Mamoru/Tuxedo Mask. We get Ami/Sailor Mercury in the second episode, Rei/Sailor Mars in the third, a major confrontation with long-standing original anime starter villain Jadite in the fourth, before we're hit with Makoto/Sailor Jupiter in the fifth.

Fans of the original anime will remember that that sequence of events, taking place over five episodes in Crystal, took some 20+ episodes in the original. And between those FOUR major events, we had countless episodes of one-shot characters, monsters, Usagi being a crybaby and refusing to do anything, Rei being a bit of a bitch, Mamoru throwing roses and then leaving because "MY JOB HERE IS DONE!" and Queen Beryl waving her hands ominously over a crystal ball and babbling about "energy" so much that the word starts to sound weird.

For fans of the original anime, we've see that, and everything that involves, both good and bad, is already known to us. We don't want to see that again - Just give us the other Senshi already! We want to see Mercury, and Mars and Jupiter and Venus. We want to see the confrontation with Queen Beryl and Metalia and the showdown in the arctic and Usagi and Mamoru hooking up and all of that stuff, and that is what Crystal delivers, in short order, one event after another. There’s very little “filler” even in the more modern sense of the word (I talked a bit about “filler” in my last review). Basically every scene serves the purpose of advancing the plot to the next “touch point”, which does unfortunately cut out a lot of the less dramatic, but still enjoyable stuff.

Crystal is best taken with prior Sailor Moon knowledge, which means you mentally fill in a lot of gaps that the anime itself would otherwise leave you with. Having virtually no filler means things move almost too fast, and sadly, in that rush, some really great character moments are lost (perhaps most disappointingly, the same-sex relationship between villains Zoisite and Kunzite is completely gone, although as compensation, Crystal does show more of Usagi's bisexual side and hints toward her fleeting crush on Rei - We'll talk more about this later).

To be fair to Crystal, to prevent it being weighed down too heavily by these issues, I will compare it to the original anime, and see how it shakes out when taken with the knowledge that a viewing of the original 200 episodes brings. That’s how I went into the series, and that has an inextricable influence on how I enjoyed it.

Let’s get this out of the way…

Crystal is not as pretty as the original anime.

It’s not even remotely close.

I hate to start by criticizing Crystal right off the bat, but it has to be said.

The original Sailor Moon anime was produced in 1992. It was made at a time before the widespread use of CGI and digital colouring. It’s an adaptation of a Shojo manga, and was primarily drawn, coloured and animated by hand. It’s pretty, soft, girly and pastel and HOLY FUCK IS IT BEAUTIFUL.

Look at this.

Like, god-the-fuck damn it. Look at these.

Look at that last one (side note, what the hell are you doing Mamoru?). If you were to remove Usagi and Tuxedo Mask from the image, you'd be left with something I've seen tagged on tumblr as "Pastel Liminal". There are plenty more. In fact, I could just whack in one of my DVD's of the original anime, set my computer to screenshot at random intervals, and you'd see nearly infinite examples.

The original Sailor Moon anime was lightning in a bottle. It was produced at a time where things were produced by more analog means for the most part. It was adapting a source material that already had a gentle, soft and pastel theme to it. It's drenched in the fashion and style of the early 90's/Late 80's. All of these factors combine to create a piece of media where the best examples look like genuine works of art, and even the worst, most off model in between frames still carry a unique, warm and nostalgic charm.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the visuals of Vaporwave - a musical genre built on evoking feelings of nostalgia and popular culture - share much of the same color pallet as any random episode of '92 Sailor Moon. I think there's something unique about pink pastels, soft coloring and imagery from the 80's/90's. And people have noticed this. The feelings of liminality and atmosphere are present all throughout Sailor Moon - To an even greater degree than things like The Simpsons.

There are enough screencaps of Sailor Moon on people's

A E S T H E T I C

blogs on pinterest and tumblr and the-horror-site-that-I-escaped-and-will-not-name that if we combined them all together, I honestly believe we could recreate whole episodes of the anime.

NOW LET'S LOOK AT SOME SCREENSHOTS FROM CRYSTAL.

Now. Not a single one of these is BAD. I actually avoided any screencaps that were off model or "QUALITY.MEME" style or anything. They are crisp, clean, vibrant... And not especially distinct from any other anime of today.

(And yes I'm aware that much of the same argument could be said for multiple older anime vs new anime, that's not the point I am making.)

Look at the backgrounds. Compare them to the original anime. Neither is bad, but you can not deny that the original is dripping in that "Aesthetic", and it always will be, whilst Crystal will always just be "yeah, decent 2010's anime". In 20 years from now, there won't be any more blogs devoted to Crystal's aesthetic than there are for any other anime, and to a degree that kinda sucks.

Does it detract from the experience? Not really - But the comparison has to be made. Plenty of people watch Sailor Moon these days for it's retro-nostalgic vibes and if that's what you're looking for, those are not present in Crystal.

And...Yeah the Cell-Shaded CGI. I don't actually really mind it - I quite like cell-shaded CGI - but it sure is a bummer to see the Transformation sequence use that. Of all the time they could have used it, they chose to use it on the iconic transformation scenes.

Hand drawn animation isn't the only thing that's missing from some of the most important scenes. Let's talk about the soundtrack.

I'm not musically talented, so I'm not inclined to talk about music too much. It's not that I don't enjoy it, but I don't feel qualified to say too many things about it.

(I'm not artistically talented either, but for over a decade, I have been in a serious relationship with a very talented artist who lives in the same house as me, so I picked up a few things and feel that I can at least offer an opinion on the art)

To save me repeating myself, I'll just say that the soundtrack to the original '92 anime is almost as iconic as it's art. The upbeat guitars and violins and trumpets and pianos and god-knows-what else that played throughout that series are a big part of it's identity.

Crystal does have it's own musical identity. It's a bit... blander in parts...

(there's this one recurring piece that tends to play during epic or emotional moments that, thanks to my oh-so-wonderful partner, I can't hear as anything other than that awful "Where are you Christmas" meme song).

But other times it does suitably convey majesty and grandeur to the scene's its playing over. The transformations may lack the rock-styled guitars of the original, but they have this new piece that sounds very magical and epic for Sailor Moon, and for the other senshi, they actually do bring back in the harder beats. Sailor Mars' first transformation goes particularly hard.

There's another piece of music I just have to talk about

The opening theme, "Moon Pride" is a fantastic piece of music, with some great visuals included. I particularly like how it's not only partially sung as if "in character" by the bands members as the Sailor Senshi, (I originally thought it was the senshi's Japanese VAs, but apparently not) but certain lyrics carry a specific "flavor" relating to that senshi - "Jupiter" and "Venus" singing lines about how "Love hits like a flash of lightning".

The tune and lyrics are extremely upbeat as well, singing of the power of girls ("girl power" being something that's extremely important to Sailor Moon) and how they have the power to accomplish their goals. It even incorporates the "Make Up!" phrase used by the senshi in their transformation, and ends on "La La Pretty Guardian SAILOR MOON" - A line that sounds clumsy when I write it down, but really does work in sung form (plus, I will always give props to a show incorporating it's title into the lyrics).

It's such a great song. It's a great opening visually too - Lots of wonderfully arch typically "anime opening" stereotypes in all the right ways, like Queen Beryl gesturing menacingly while the Four Heavenly Kings whiz in to pose with her and the specter of Queen Metalia rising up behind them...

It's honestly fantastic and a great choice for the series.

It's too bad I hate it.

It's not the fault of the song. It's just impossible for it to stack up against Moonlight Densetsu.

This is why we shouldn't compare things so directly, because shit like this happens.

Moonlight Densetsu (or, Moonlight Legend translated into English) is an iconic piece of anime music in it's own right, and it's connection to Sailor Moon is inseparable. Go ahead, go look it up. You want to, now that I've mentioned it. Better yet, I'll save you the trouble. Go on and listen to those iconic chimes at the opening before the guitar and the piano kick in....

Even the original english dub, with as many nonsense changes as it made, and at a time where it was common to record a whole new song for dubbed a anime's OP, kept the actual tune and music - It just replaced the lyrics (with very catchy, if somewhat inaccurate ones I might add... "Never running from a real fight"...)

And of course, the Japanese lyrics - evocative of a love song between Usagi and Mamoru - are catchy, charming and beautiful, evoking that same feeling as the anime's visuals provide. That tone, that aesthetic, and these days, that nostalgia. But it doesn't end at just the Japanese version...

The funny thing is, that even in today's day and age, with access to dubs of equal, if not superior quality to the original language, and most opening themes left untouched... if you start this tune up at any convention, you'll probably every weeb in hearing radius chime in with:

"~Fighting evil by moonlight~!"

Those english lyrics are just as iconic as their Japanese originators. The same opening theme, done two different ways, completely iconic in both the East and West parts of the world.

In preparation for writing this bit of the post, I asked myself to find the most iconic anime openings. The kind that everyone can sing along to at a convention. I found plenty - so I asked myself, what's one that everyone can sing along to in both English and Japanese.

See, everyone can jump in for something like the opening for "Attack on Titan" or frantically try to dance along to Motteke Sailor Fuku (Lucky Star's intensely energetic opening theme) for Japanese songs, and almost anyone past a certain age on the street can probably sing along to the absolutely legendary english opening for the original Pokemon anime...

But there's probably only one opening I know where everyone is able to get on the same tune, singing about the same show, in the same way in both English and Japanese.

And that's Moonlight Densetsu.

A remake is a remake, and it shouldn't need to rely on nostalgia, or try to win points by including whats already been done.

But there's an exception to every rule and god-damn should Crystal have used that piece of music.

It didn't even have to be the opening. Play it in the background as Usagi vanquishes Queen Metalia.

It's SO iconic to Sailor Moon that nothing, not even Moon Pride could replace it.

The fact that Crystal doesn't use Moonlight Densetsu genuinely detracts from the experience for me. It doesn't ruin it, but it's definitely a missed opportunity. I've heard they've so far not used it, and my fingers are crossed they'll work it into the finale movies somehow, because I would just love to hear it one more time in a modern context.

Alright - I feel I've rambled enough on the negatives. By now, I've made it clear... Crystal is not a replacement for the original '92 anime.

Lets talk about what it does get right.

If I've sounded negative up till now, it's only because I genuinely have a lot of love for Sailor Moon that I almost hold it to a higher standard than a lot of other anime series. If this were a remake of almost any other 90's anime, I wouldn't have that much to say - either for or against. I've fallen into the trap before where people think I hate something because I've been talking for 100 years about its flaws and missteps and I have to explain that no wait, this is actually one of my favorite things...

I've always been the kind of guy that takes a very deep interest in what I love. Goes with the autism I suppose. When you look into something that deeply, you see its flaws as clearly as you see its merits, and quite often, the flaws are easier to talk about.

I could talk about the flaws in the original Sailor Moon anime too. I could talk about how it's got 200 episodes, and yet, I think a count exists where only 50ish of those episodes are plot relevant, and a further 10-or-so of those could be whittled down to "X got a new power up/attack/transformation"

I could talk about how the anime relied on stock footage to absurd levels, fights often coming down to watching the same animations a couple of times before they play the usual stock "Usagi defeats/purifies/vaporizes/love-bombs the bad guy" clip.

I could talk about how, when you have to stretch some fairly straightforward characters out over that many episodes, you wind up pulling out a lot more of those characters negative traits for the sake of inventing some kind of drama to drive some kind of plot along, in the worst cases making some characters borderline unlikable.

Or, I could talk about how Crystal AVOIDS those problems like the fucking plague.

Well. Not all of them, obviously. But it is here, in the character department we see our first marked improvement.

While the rapid pace of Crystal does leave some characters in the dust - a lot of them on the villain side of things - one thing it does help with is there's no need to invent "drama of the week" between the girls. There's no need to have Usagi and Rei bitching at each other because the boy-of-the-episode isn't paying them attention or to cram in a "someone's got a crush on X, and the other Senshi are going to spy and stick their nose in her business because OOOOOH ROMANCE". There's no need for a weird, shitty subplot where Rei dates Mamoru.

While the characters don't feel as fleshed out as in the original, that actually works when you see their relationships. They first form a friend group based on their shared destiny, and then, once they recover their past-life memories, solidify their bonds based on that.

And you can call this cheep and lazy, and maybe it is, but I can't help but think that it just WORKS for them. When the original had so much bickering and insults without showing as many moments of genuine care between the Senshi, it's just damn refreshing to see them unambiguously care so much for one-another. I know they did in the original too, but here, it's so much faster and tighter that it really comes off better.

To varying degrees, all of the Senshi are affected by this "tighter" (or perhaps "faster") pacing, but none more so than the titular character herself, Sailor Moon. AKA, the klutzy crybaby, Usagi Tsukino.

Usagi is a character that is very much the face of the series in every conceivable way. Aside from being the titular Sailor Moon, her visual appearance is iconic, to the point that even non-anime fans could probably identify her as "Sailor Moon" if you show them a picture, and even today, as the older generations of anime fans and weebs are replaced by a whole new breed of both dedicated and casual fans, most of them will still know who Usagi is. Her iconic "odango" (Bun/Dumpling) hairstyle is still homaged and parodied today, even in western cartoons:

(I'll spare you my endless rants on Star vs The Forces of Evil...)

Usagi's characterization is similarly iconic, helped by the fact that she herself narrates the opening to many of the numerous episodes of the original series with an honest description of herself. The translation varies from fansubs to the modern official dub, but the gist of it is always:

"I’m Usagi Tsukino and I’m a 14 year old middle school student. I’m a bit of a klutz… and kind of a crybaby. One day, a cat named Luna gave me a special brooch that transformed me into a guardian in a sailor uniform and told me I had to fight bad guys! Boy, does that ever make me nervous. But, I’m sure it will all work out fine!"

Right off the bat, this establishes Usagi's personality. She's emotional, ditzy, but optimistic. Over the course of all the series it's established firmly and consistently that she's a dreamer and an utterly hopeless romantic. She gets bad grades, overindulges in food and sweets, doesn't study, but also has an overflowing amount of love for just about everyone, especially her friends, and her kind-heartedness is always centered.

Thing is, with the original '92 anime being 200 episodes long, with a lot of those being filler, where they needed to have a plot driven by characters without being allowed to do anything to drastically change those characters, they needed to fall back on Usagi's basic characterization for day-to-day episodes. There are a LOT of scenes of her just being kind of....

Well, I don't want to say "useless" but...

Usagi's slacker tendencies were highlighted, along with her selfishness and hedonism. She'll drag her friends along to things they don't want to do, borrow their stuff, and is generally kind of treated with a sense of being a load by them a lot of the time. All of these are consistent traits across all adaptations, but the '92 anime practically spotlights them. She often needs to be coerced or pressured into actually transforming into Sailor Moon and doing something, and even when she did, she more often-than-not relied on a well timed rose from Tuxedo Mask and an attack from another Senshi before she broke out the finishing move. In my younger days, when I attended more conventions and hung around with other anime fans, it was pretty common for them to express a kind of distaste for her as a heroine.

It's not that the original anime didn't have it's moments of highlighting that, y'know, Usagi is a true all-loving heroine with determination, dedication and a love for her friends that would net her the most dramatic power up scenes if the show were a Shounen anime, but they tended to be reserved for the plot relevant episodes, and as mentioned, the original anime is 3/4ths filler, so we get a lot of selfish, crybaby Usagi.

Crystal, on the other hand, moves at a speed so intense that only astronauts trained in special machines by NASA can withstand the sheer g-force it generates. Seriously, it feels like the plot took a leaf out of Usagi's book and overslept, forcing it to charge forward like:

This does something interesting to Usagi as a character. While we're shown enough of her at school to know that, yes, she gets bad grades, scores awfully on tests, and is an absent minded klutz who'd rather slack off and visit the arcade than do anything related to actual school, it also shows Usagi:

Genuinely reaching out to Ami and befriending her, wanting to bring her out of her shell and let the overworked girl have some fun.

Defending Rei from some women who are blaming her for circumstances beyond her control. (Crystal also famously restores the scene where they meet because Usagi follows her off the bus, hearts in her eyes and all. Usagi's implied bisexuality is restored and it's obvious she's got some kind of crush on Rei.)

Complimenting Makoto on basically everything: her cooking, earrings and her perfume, giving the girl a much needed ego boost.

Borderline worshiping Minako (as Sailor V) and then genuinely looking up to her once she meets her as Sailor Venus.

(Also. this is just fanboy bullshit, but Crystal makes Sailor Venus' transformation use ribbons, much like Usagi's, and given that Venus outright states she's the original leader of the Senshi, and her "in the name of Venus" speach sounds very similar to Usagi's "in the name of the moon" spiel, I like to believe that Usagi is subconsciously basing her Sailor Moon act on the memories she has of her former guardian.)

The result is that Usagi's friendship with the other senshi feels very genuine. They do a little teasing of her, of course, but are also extremely loving toward her, a feeling that only grows as they regain their past memories and remember her both as their sacred Princess and their middle-school friend. There's a very sweet scene where they all sit around her and help her fix her hair up, stuff that really shows that these girls are true companions and a proper team, not a misfit group of conflicting personalities.

There's also a scene toward the very end where, after Sailor Moon is compromised in the final battle, all of the Senshi draw the strength to keep fighting to the bitter end by remembering Usagi, which is punctuated by actual clips of things she's said to them. It's a bit clumsy (Jupiter's memory is the scene of Usagi talking about her earrings and perfume...) but the fact that it is all footage we've seen before makes it believable.

She's also far more proactive and direct. While she does wail and cry a couple of times at the monsters, other times she actually just swallows her fear and charges forward to save her friends. There's an incredible moment where, confronted by a group of zombified people, without so much as a single "SAVE ME, TUXEDO MASK!", Usagi transforms and purifies all of the zombies with her finisher, before actively moving to seek out the source of the the corruption. It's an awesome moment.

Her moments of "uselessness" in battle are also given a facelift. Given that Mamoru/Tuxedo Mask himself is far more active and involved in battles. Instead of crying out of fear and cowidance, Usagi is usually taken out of the fight by her hopeless romantic nature being taken advantage of. She's either hit with some revelation or otherwise emotionally compromised. Usually by putting Tuxedo Mask/Mamoru in danger.

Indeed, Crystal really emphasis Usagi's emotions in a way that makes her feel very fragile and vulnerable at times. She's instantly taken with Tuxedo Mask, and when she later uncovers his identity (or rather, he reveals it to her), she becomes caught up in their love, to the point where, once he's taken from her by the Dark Kingdom, she struggles to fight back against him. There's many scenes where it's simply those two, and although they don't fight, they don't need to, because the act of seeing her true love (and the anime establishes very quickly that yes, Mamoru is her true, destined lover) on a side that isn't hers is enough to paralyze her. On the other side of that coin, when he's not in opposition to her, Usagi really doesn't let anything slow her down, and genuinely is ready to get into a fight for the sake of bringing Mamoru back.

The ending, which finally puts them back on the same side, allows him to be her emotional support as she battles it out with Queen Metalia in the final confrontation, again plays up Usagi's emotions, this time drawing strength from her love for Mamoru and her friends, allowing her to finally banish the evil. It's not dissimilar to how the original series ended it's first season - Although the fact that we do see scenes of the Earth being reduced to chaos and nothingness by Queen Metalia does make a very interesting backdrop.

i feel like I'm rambling here, so I want to sum it up - Crystal manages to make Usagi a far more proactive and engaging force in the narrative, without taking away the "crybaby and a klutz" part of her. The focus on her vulnerability shows why she needs her friends and her love, but on the other hand, we're also shown that, when she does have that, there's not a lot she can't do, and she more than possesses the strength to take action.

As for the others...

Like I said, everyone fares a bit differently. I've ranted a bit too long about Usagi because, in my opinion, she's the one who mostly gained good things out of the pacing, losing a lot of what she was commonly derided for in the original setting, but the other characters are slightly more of a mixed bag.

My bishie boy Mamoru/Tuxedo Mask get a lot more to do very quickly, compared to the original series. His search for the Legendary Silver Crystal™ is mentioned a lot, and he kicks off one episodes problems by declaring it publicly. His identity is also not really kept a secret, and we're shown Mamoru wearing the tux on many occasions without the cape, hat or mask.

His relationship with Usagi is... Well, it's there. Because of the compressed nature of the series, he runs into Usagi a fair bit less than he did in the original, and thus a lot of their banter is gone. While Usagi falls for him very quickly, he's at least shown to care about her, and once their identities are revealed and they start to recover their past lives memories, they do feel very in love.' Because of the compressed nature of the series, he runs into Usagi a fair bit less than he did in the original, and thus a lot of their banter is gone. While Usagi falls for him very quickly, he's at least shown to care about her, and once their identities are revealed and they start to recover their past lives memories, they do feel very in love. The few times we get to see them together outside of them being in mortal peril are very sweet.

(I know their relationship has always been... controversial, so I won't dwell too much on it. These type of things are fairly common for anime in general, so it's something you need to just accept if you plan on watching a lot of it)

He does seem to take on the "useless" traits that Usagi lost though. My boy here borders on being a full on damsel in distress sometimes. His rose throwing was corny in the original anime, but it was usually effective. Here, there's not a rose in sight, leaving him either as an observer, or as normal, albiet sharply dressed, man who's quite out of his depth against monsters... BUT as an unabashed and unashamed lover of Damsels in Distress, I hardly mind that.

Sailor Mercury/Ami is one of the ones who got more of the short end of the stick from the pacing and rapid nature of the show. She's established, as per usual, as the super smart genius with some genuinely sweet moments of Usagi helping her out of her shell. However, because the show introduces the other senshi so rapidly, she rarely gets a chance to stand out with her genius. She does smart-stuff, sure, we always see her on the computer and the like, but rarely do we actually see her express that genius in any way other than pinpointing an enemy's weakness by scanning it with her goggles or something. Granted she did a lot of that in the '92 anime too, but at least then there were episodes that showed her studying or taking tests and a couple of times where she needed to use her intelligence against the monster of the week.

It's not like the show "does her dirty" or anything, Mercury has always failed to stand out compared to the others, owing to her more down-to-earth personality and seriousness, in both the '92 series and Crystal. Part of that in both instances is because after we meet her we're very quickly (or in Crystal's case, immediately) introduced to...

Sailor Mars/Rei has always been a tad on the polarizing side. She either tends to be a fan's favorite or they hate her outright. Rei is fiery and outspoken, and in my opinion, after Usagi, she's the one who benefits the most from Crystal's fast pacing.

The '92 anime had Rei as far more confrontational and borderline bitchy. She clashed with Usagi so much, outright challenging her leadership at least once, that it was hard to believe they were friends. Although she did always come through for Usagi at the end, the status quo meant she'd be right back to digging at her the next episode.

Crystal has Rei instead under immense pressure right from the start, justifying her stand-offish behavior, and has Usagi defend her from a group of mothers who wanted to blame a number of disappearances on Rei's psychic power, after which Rei becomes very open to her. She's still serious, and she still gets one-or-two digs in at Usagi being a lazy glutton, but she comes across as far friendlier. Her psychic powers mean she takes to being a Sailor Senshi pretty much straight away, and she's usually the one to go on the offensive in battles. While that "mean-streak" gave her a notable characterization in the original series, here we get to see a kinder, and gentler side to her. She gets plenty of dialogue that indicates she's taking the job seriously, but also that she wants whats best for Usagi. It's a sharp contrast to the girl that tried to steal her boyfriend in the original series.

(Speaking of, considering the series restores her semi-crush on Rei, you have to wonder if Usagi's type is just "dark haired, vaguely mysterious and teases me on occasion")

Jupiter is pretty "middle of the road" here. Crystal takes away her recurring joke of comparing every boy to her "sempai", but it doesn't really add anything more to her character. We get to see more of how, despite being big and strong, she's quite feminine, but beyond that, she doesn't really do anything to make herself stand out. Her character here is neither an improvement, nor a deterioration.

Honestly, Jupiter was one of my favourites in the original, so I really thought I'd have more to say, but I just don't. She's fine.

Sailor Venus/Minako has the unfortunate title of being the final Senshi introduced formally (No. We're not counting her appearances as Sailor V. This post is too long already for me to talk about that). As a result she gets... very little time to shine as a character. Minako especially loses all of her quirks and goofy traits from the original, though we do get to see something else as a result. She's very rarely seen doing anything other than her duties as a Sailor Guardian. Compared to the other senshi, this means that it comes off less as Minako transforming into Sailor Venus to fight evil, and more as Sailor Venus disguising herself as Minako. She explicitly has most of her memories restored right from when we meet her, and thus fully embraces the role of "Leader of the Sailor Guardians", knowing more about their enemy than the others, and helping them along with revelations.

Also - there's this beyond-stupid bit where she claims she's the Moon Princess for an episode or so... It's vaguely implied to be a bluff (for some reason), but even so, it's fantastically stupid and accomplishes very little.

(Not going to talk about the cats or other more minor characters because... well quite frankly this post has gone on for way too long already)

Finally that brings us to the villains.

Yeah look... Fans of the original portrayal of the Four Heavenly Kings are out of luck here.

The '92 anime had a habit of using one king at a time to unleash some monsters, but baring Jadite, all of them developed some pretty distinctive personalities in that time. From Nephrite's arc of falling in love with a human, to Zoisite and Kunsite's explicitly gay and genuinely affectionate relationship, 3 out of 4 of them got pretty memorable scenes and personalities.

Not so for Crystal...

*sigh*

Yeah, all of them are pretty generically "evil" in this version. They really, really do not stand apart from each other.

It's all the more disappointing as this series goes with the "each king is the destined lover of one of the Sailor Guardians" idea that has been around for a while. I'm not sure if this was ever in the original manga, but it's been something that's been known to fans for basically forever.

Sadly though, the anime does very little with that. Honestly, it's only worth mentioning because in this version, the senshi are able to turn them back to the side of good... after which time Queen Beryl/Metalia destroys them and they turn into the little gems they're named after as if they're straight out of fucking Steven Universe.

I know the limited episode count and nature of being truer to the Manga wouldn't allow anything like the original anime, but would it have killed them to show Kunsite and Zoisite with their arms around each other? Or better yet, if they wanted to do the "destined to be with the Sailor Senshi" thing, give us some one on one scenes with each pair?

Queen Beryl does get a bit more character though. (Hence why I used her picture up there). We get to see flashes of her past, as a princess of earth, hopelessly in love with Endymion, and is actually the one who tried to strike down both him and Princess Serenity in the past. She also has plans to pull a Starscream on Queen Metalia, and goes into battle herself a couple of times. It's a consolation prize for the disappointing turnout of the four kings.

OVERALL

This review has really gotten out of hand. I feel like I spent too long talking about the original series and the blundered onto the Crystal stuff really haphazardly.

To wrap it up, I'll repeat that I don't believe Sailor Moon Crystal should be anyone's first introduction to Sailor Moon. It needs to be approached with prior knowledge and familiarity, lest a lot of what makes the series special feel instead rushed and half-baked. Because, that really is what makes a lot of it good, at least to me. Seeing things happen at a faster pace, with a lot of the unpleasant aspects of characters removed is a breath of fresh air when your standard experience amounted to over 100 episodes of filler.

It's a good show. It's a fun show. It's a show that I, as a fan of Sailor Moon, enjoyed...

...And despite the length of this review, it's one I can't really give an opinion on yet because you see... Unlike the original, there is no filler arc about a tree and the aliens who want it to grow. Season 1 of Crystal ends with Rei receiving a premonition of a black, upside down crescent moon, and a mysterious pink haired child falling out of the sky..

As of writing, I am over halfway through "season 2", which has both countered and enhanced some of my above points, so I want to stop there before I say too much more. I'm going to try and review each "season" on its own.

I suspect from here on in, given that I've said my piece about how it compares to the original, the next reviews shall be a bit shorter, or at the very least, will have less of me rambling about how not using Moonlight Densetsu is a crime against nature.

Either way, if you have stuck with me, or read this entire post for whatever reason, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with me, I'd like to thank you for taking the time. I feel good having gotten this all off my chest, and I look forward to writing up another one.

But now, I must go!

The Analyst has vanished in a swish of his cape, leaving behind nothing but a single rose.

[evilkitten3]

5, 8, and 22 for the dragonball asks (for some reason it uses letters on your blog but numbers on my dash?? I am confused)

well, that's confusing. just a tumblr thing i guess. anyway thank you!!!!!

5. Who is your favorite villain?

oof, tough one. uh, it really depends? in terms of sheer "holy shit" factor, probably frieza. in terms of who i most enjoy watching commit war crimes, that'd be our boy namek saga vegeta. in terms of who i want to personally beat the shit out of most, beerus (hey, remember when destroying planets in dragon ball was a big deal and an objectively evil thing to do? good times)

8. Do you have a favorite episode from the anime/chapter from the manga?

my favorite chapter is probably chapter 309 "son goku's final fusion!!" bc. vegito. my favorite episode is episode 288 "you're late, goku! everyone party!!" or "he's always late" in the dub. granted, it's also the only episode of z i know for a fact i've seen the entirety of bc. manga fan

22. Do you prefer the sub or the dub?

ah, the big question. uhhhh it sorta depends? like if we're talking about specific characters – king kai, i think the dub handled him better, for instance; same for whis - then it varies from character to character. obviously i'm more familiar with english versions of dragon ball (note that on the rare occasions that i actual manage to write anything, both bulma and piccolo refer to goku as goku rather than son-kun/son– dbz is one of the few anime where i don't think the honorifics are super necessary for casual speech; the only ones that really matter are fairly easily translated, so i don't bother most of the time). i think some of the og english dubs are funnier, albeit unintentionally due to.... early anime dubbing companies having no clue what they were doing ("ok so we'll call this guy zero and that one. fuck it whiskers the wonder cat" "ok what about the one female villain? should we stick with mai?" "NO. femina")

on the other hand, i personally find cultural differences fascinating, and a lot of that is always lost with dubbing (which. duh. it's gotta happen) so in that sense i prefer the sub.

i know there's always a "the characters only sound right in the version i like" argument but honestly i think both the sub and the dub handle the characters pretty well. i'm always blown away by nozawa masako's range and capability, but i think the english voice actors for the characters she plays hold their own. honestly i feel like all of goku's voices (nozawa, schemmel, masakox :P) do a pretty good job.

but i'll be honest– when i think of krillin's voice, i think of lanipator. he's krillin to me

the final answer of sub vs dub for me is the same as my answer for fullmetal alchemist: the manga wins!

[duhragonball]

For the Ask Game: Son Goku

Give me a character and I will answer:

Why I like them: Goku is the main character in Dragon Ball Z, an anime that I have enjoyed tremendously for over 20 years.  He kicks aliens really fast and hard, and he eats wolves and bugs and clouds, and he’s very cool and good.   

That may sound kind of basic, maybe even borderline sarcastic, but I’m not sure how else to put it.    I’ve gotten so used to liking Goku that it’s hard to articulate why.   

Like, okay, you know that one episode during the Cell Games, where he’s gonna pick apples from his favorite apple tree?   And he does the special karate punch that makes the apples all fall out of the branches without really hurting the tree?    In the dub, he says to the tree “Ready for one more round, old timer?”  Or something like that, and then after he hits it, he’s like “See?  That didn’t hurt a bit.”  I’m not getting the lines right, but you get the idea.    That’s some choice Goku right there.    He’s friends with that tree!   

Why I don’t: hE gAvE mOrO a SeNzU bEaN-- ha ha just kidding, but can you imagine not liking Goku?   Because of something he did in some horseshit fancomic that doesn’t even count?

Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of guff from people about Goku showing mercy to his enemies.   This is humorous to me, because I’d bet you dollars to donuts that they’re fans of Vegeta and/or Piccolo, and that only happened because Goku decided to have mercy on their stank asses.    “Well I like Vegeta because he kills people.”  He only gets to do that because Goku allowed him to live.    Best Green Dad doesn’t happen without Goku, period, end of sentence, new paragraph.   

I’m not a lore expert like that guy on Twitter who only watched DBZ Abridged, but here’s some cool trivia for you: Cell could have self-destructed and destroyed the Earth at any time.    It literally does not matter that Goku gave Cell a senzu bean before Gohan fought him, because Cell would have done the same thing no matter who beat him or how.     If Gohan had wiped him out quickly, that nucleus would have survived and regenerated, and he would come back even stronger.   The senzu bean just delayed the inevitable outcome, and not even by that much, because Cell wasn’t that worn out in the first place.   The whole thing with the senzu bean was Goku playing headgames with Cell and no one seems to understand that but me.   

But what about Moro, you ask?   Hey, come here.  

Closer.    No, closer.   

Listen to me.   I love you, okay?    But the Dragon Ball Super manga isn’t canon.   Hating Goku over something he did in Super is like hating Superman for something he did in a Mad Magazine bit.      

“Blargle blargle he doesn’t kiss his wife bad father, tournament of power--” I super mega don’t care about any of these ice cold takes.      Every day I go on YouTube and it recommends me the dirt worst Star Wars commentary videos.   “Maybe the SITH were actually the GOOD GUYS and the JEDI were the BAD GUYS!  Huh?  Did I just BLOW your MIND?   Be sure to like and subscribe!”  Every dope with a keyboard seems to think they can flip the script and pretend they’re some kind of genius.    “Thanos was right!”  “Magneto was right!” “Dr. Doom was right!” “Antifa are the real fascists when you stop and think about it!”  “Masks and vaccines are bullshit, COVID-19 is a hoax, but if it were real, maybe it’s the good guy in this situation!”

I didn’t mean to go off on a rant here, but the whole point of Goku is that he’s a pretty cool guy, and the hero of his particular adventure, and you see all these people trying to outsmart that somehow, like it’s not the premise of the character.   It’s like all those fan theories about how every show is really one character having a coma dream in the hospital.    It’s fake-deep, like when Will Smith’s kid goes on the internet and says something like “Water isn’t wet when you stop and think about it.”  

I’m not saying everyone has to like Goku, but I don’t get the hate-boner people have for him.    I don’t like cole slaw, it’s soggy and insipid and I don’t understand it, but I don’t go around trying to convince people it’s not made out of cabbage.  

Anyway, Goku’s awesome. 

Favorite episode (scene if movie): It’s hard to choose, but DBZ #248 always fucks me up.   I looked it up in my liveblog archive to get the episode number right, and the first line of that post: This one always fucks me up.

Moving on.

Favorite season/movie: In Dragon Ball terms, I guess this refers to the sagas, so I’ll go with Cell Games.    Goku goes into the battle with this flawed, touch-and-go plan, and it works.    He defeats perfection with imperfection, and it’s glorious.  

Favorite line: “What I represent can never be destroyed,” is one of the most metal lines ever uttered, anywhere.   It’s a threat and a moral lesson all in one.   

Favorite outfit: Two answers for this one.  

Shu’s outfit in the Fortuneteller Baba Saga was awesome.    I used to wear yellow T-shirts to work, so when I put on my blue labcoat I would see myself in the restroom mirror and think: yeaaaaahhhhhh.

I’m also big into Goku’s look during the Cell Games, classic orange outfit, blue shirt, with the Super Saiyan form ready to go.    That may sound obvious, since this is kind of Goku’s default look, but it takes a while to get all of this together.  For me, it was a big deal to see Goku in action as a Super Saiyan in his standard fighting gear, because the whole time he was SSJ on Namek his shirt was ruined.   Against Gero and 19 he was sick, but starting with the Cell Games, we get him fresh as a daisy, and it’s worth the wait.   Harder to stealth cosplay, though.

OTP: Gochi.   Come on.    I don’t even care that much about ships, but they’re adorable on the show, and the internet backlash against Gochi only intensifies my defiance.   

Brotp: I wrote a fanfic with Goku and Yamcha just joyriding in the desert, and that seemed pretty awesome, so maybe we need more of that.   

I dunno, maybe I’m giving this to Bulma.   They don’t get a ton of screen time together after a certain point in the show, but the bond between them is this really sublime thing.    In the same fanfic, I wrote Bulma and Goku interacting, and that was just a pleasure to write.

Head Canon: I think Goku being an alien orphan matters more to him than he lets on.   Early on, he knew he had parents but he didn’t know why they left him in the woods.   Pretty much every interaction he has with the outside world is about him being different.   Then he finds out he’s a Saiyan and all the Saiyans hate him for being weak and sentimental and so on.   He can kick all their asses, but that doesn’t make him any less of an outcast.   

I think becoming a Super Saiyan is a bigger deal to him than he lets on.   That moment kind of serves as this unspoken proof that there’s more to being a “true” Saiyan than Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz ever knew.   That maybe, if his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great granny could see him, she might approve.

Unpopular opinion:

Yukio Ebisawa is underrated. 

A wish: I always wanted to see Goku style on Broly ‘93.   It seemed unfair to me that they kept bringing Broly back, and even teased a rematch with Goku in Movie 11, only to not deliver on it.    I wanted Goku to turn Super Saiyan 2 and Broly’d be all “oh noes!” and Goku would look at him and be all “Yeah.   What now, bitch?    That green shit won’t cut it anymore.”

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: I think my darkest fear about the Dragon Ball franchise is that it’ll get bastardized like Superman, where some giant multimedia corporation owns it, has no idea how to tell new stories with it, and refuses to let it lapse into the public domain.   I have no idea how public domain works in Japan, but “Disney Toei’s Dragon Ball KH” doesn’t sit well with me.    Hopefully I’ll be dead by the time that happens.  

Like, Rise of Skywalker wasn’t that bad.   But it did lead me to worry that they really have no idea how to make Star Wars work.    They got it right enough, but the part where Rose is going to stay and guard the base or whatever, it just made me realize they’re only guessing, and they just happen to guess right often enough to succeed.   And it’s not like you can jump over to some other studio and see how they handle a Star Wars movie.

5 words to best describe them: Ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

My nickname for them: Geeko.    Ha ha, just kidding.  

[tenshindon]

Have you gotten Yamcha for the ask game yet? Or Tien? 😊

i have received Neither Chaps !!! So I will now do them both :) Pause on that :) gonna put this under a Read More since This Will Be Long <3

Yamcha:

Give Me A Character and I Will Answer:

Why I like them:

Uhhhh A Lot Of Reasons. Like. A lot. BUT I will be brief and say I like him because as a kid I always thought he looked cool and I always thought his first fight with Goku was radical. With My Big Man Brain Now I love him for just how sincere of a guy he is? And how loving and friendly and supportive? And I make fun of him for it but the wolf aesthetic genuinely is really cool- not to mention how he loves to change up his outfits and hairstyles!

Why I don’t:

I have no reason to hate this man. Like none exists. In The Most Platonic Way Ever he’s literally the perfect man and I would take him home to meet my mom and even then she would be happy with me dating a man if it was Yamcha Dragon Ball.

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

I have so many favorite Yamcha moments and ergo episodes good god help me BUT I will name ONE off the top of my head so I’m not stuck here forever and I really love the baseball scene in Z for Many Reasons it’s just so good it plays on loop in my brain 24/7 so I Will Say episode 10 of DBZ :)

Favorite season/movie:

The Tien Saga.... legendary.... yes he did get his leg broken but everything before AND after that??? Immaculate. Perfect. Astounding. No The Tien Saga Is Not Therapy But I Will Use It As Such

Favorite line:

Anything Yamcha says is music to my ears and is pure gold, and aside from The Iconic “Looking good, Tien!” quote from Budokai 3, I gotta say my actual favorite quote??

“No big deal. Bones heal, just like everything else.” -Yamcha to Tien in reference to his broken leg after the 22nd World Tournament

Like. It’s SUCH a simple line but it’s SO telling of Yamcha’s character?? Tien literally broke his leg with no concern of the long-lasting effects of doing so, not to mention his dickish behavior beforehand towards Yamcha beforehand. So for Yamcha to just be ready to forgive him at the drop of a hat when he sees Tien’s seem sincerely apologetic? Dude no one talk to me I’m going to write an essay again.

Favorite outfit:

I Mean This In The Most Platonic Way Part II but Yamcha can make Literally Any outfit and hairstyle look good it should be illegal. However I am legally required to choose One (1) outfit and at this point we should all know how much I adore the desert bandit fit of his. It’s just such a classic and cute look to him (not to mention The Sword <3)

OTP:

Oh You Know :) but if you don’t it’s Yamcha and Tien- even as just Friends They’re So Good I’m Going To Write An Essay like god I want what they have so badly.

Brotp:

I love his relationship with Puar, like I genuinely would love a small arc dedicated to how they even became friends in the first place since their origin together is so mysterious yet intriguing? But aside from The Obvious answer I love his brotherly relationship with Goku and Krillin! Unfortunately that relationship wanes as they all get older but I’ll always cherish the moments where he radiated such Big Bro energy.

Head Canon:

I’ve got a dumb amount of headcanons it’s terrible BUT I think my favorite headcanon is that Yamcha’s leg never properly heals after the 22nd Tournament.

Unpopular opinion:

I. Have a lot. Of unpopular opinions. Just genuinely loving Yamcha’s an unpopular opinion in of itself BUT One of my unpopular opinions is that Yamcha’s a flirt, a cheater, and promiscuous. If he’s ever portrayed as a flirt towards women, I can give it the smallest pass in the world that he’s trying to cope but even then that’s such a stretch in my opinion- and I guess this is on top of being a headcanon but Frankly I don’t think Yamcha’s ever even kissed anyone- he’s playing the long game everyone he’ll get his kiss on his wedding day btw that’s like. Partially a joke; I joke around a lot that Yamcha’s Super dedicated to the whole Nothing Until Marriage idea lmao.

A wish:

For the love of God Yamcha pack up your shit and Puar and just move in with Tien your apartment’s shit.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

Honestly? I kind of don’t want Yamcha to get a girlfriend? But I also DO because he wants that the most in life and it’d be great to see SOMETHING nice happen to him!

My only gripe with him getting a girlfriend (and hopefully then a wife) would be that his girlfriend wouldn’t be that well defined of a character and she’d just be said in Passing Mentions.

5 words to best describe them:

Perfect, immaculate, loyal, courageous, lovely 

My nickname for them:

Furry, Dumpy, and Wolfie!

Tien

Give Me A Character and I Will Answer:

Why I like them:

Again I Have A Lot Of Reasons BUT I love how like. Deceiving he is as a character. Like ask anyone and 90% of the time people will say Tien’s smart and serious and No Bullshit but no he is exactly the opposite he’s dumb as shit in any department outside of farming and fighting and he’s such a lil’ jackass when breathing next to Yamcha. 

Sincerely though, I absolutely love his character development- it’s one of my favorite arcs in Dragon Ball to be honest but That’s An Essay For Another Time. I also love how funny he can be, intentionally or not, and he’s surprisingly really relatable at times? And just his dedication to fighting’s really neat too; at this point he MUST know he can never be stronger than Goku but he still tries nevertheless and that’s really indicative of his bullheaded personality.

Why I don’t:

You could not pay me to dislike him I’d sell my kidneys for Tenshinhan.

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

Any episode from the gang’s escapades on King Kai’s planet good lord save me. That’s where Tien’s existence shines the best it’s so good.

Favorite season/movie:

His own saga man like. As much as I LOVE Redeemed Tenshinhan I also love how much of a jackass he was like why was he like that LMAO

Favorite line:

Again, aside from The Iconic x2 “Looking good, Yamcha!” quote, I gotta say it’s:

“Yes... sir! <3″ -Tien preparing to strike Goku with the volleyball fist during the 22nd World Tournament.

Also “I left Chiaotzu and Yamcha behind. This seems too dangerous for them.” -Tien to Gohan during the Resurrection F saga

Favorite outfit:

Like Yamcha, Tien’s outfits always hit. Not a SINGLE one misses. BUT I gotta say I love his classic tits-out look- more so for the fact I like how he shows off his scar as a kind of way to say he’s moved on from the Crane School like Damn Son you love to see it :,) Deep reasons aside, my second-favorite outfit’s got to be the Buu Saga listen man everyone just had the Hottest outfits in the Buu Saga you can’t blame me.

OTP:

Oh You Know :)

Brotp:

Tien has Two (2) friends in his life man the pool’s small but even if it WAS larger I would say Chiaotzu anyway LMAO. Love them dudes man.

Head Canon:

Tien is just. Terribly academically and socially stupid. The Social Ineptitude isn’t even a headcanon that’s just fact but when I said he’s stupid in every department But Fighting And Farming I meant it. Flirting with Tien is a nightmare. If you’re not Yamcha or Chiaotzu joking with him is a headache. He’s only smart in the vocabulary department other than that he couldn’t tell you how many planets are in the solar system. He’s dumb as rocks but is smart enough to convince everyone around him he’s smart because he knows what picayune means.

Unpopular opinion:

I have nothing but love and respect for Krillin, but it makes like. No sense to insist Krillin’s the strongest human on earth. Tien does not go hard on that grind 24/7 just for everyone- writers included- to reduce him to such trash when fighting. But why pit two kings against each other you know?

A wish:

Please just give him one good sexy fight that’s all I’m asking for. Also Tien PLEASE use the solar flare you dumb motherfucker YOU INVENTED IT??? Actually all of my wishes are fighting related but yeah Tien for God’s Sake acknowledge how crazy your move kit is and fuck it UP MY GUY.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

Tien please don’t get a random wife I fortunately cannot see that happening but for the love of God Toei if you make that happen I will actually commit arson. Any other fear I could have either has come true or cannot happen.

5 words to best describe them:

Deceivingly smart dumbass I love

My nickname for them:

Headass, Slap Head, My Man/s, Bald Motherfucker, Polyphemus Headass (I know Polyphemus is a cyclops but shush), Four Arms, Machamp, Stitch, Roach, King, and Ikea Dresser

[mslynnwrites]

So I’ve been going through all my old Threads of Reality stuff--(attempted) plot outlines, character/place/language reference sheets, etc--and I found a few gems in one of the outlines that I’d like to share:

they try to act like mature individuals, which immediately falls apart

[REDACTED] is a depressed murder bunny and [REDACTED] is the desperate single mother trying to keep these morons in check

yayyyyy switzerland!!

oh shit blease don't blow up our planet we rather like it here

AND THAT'S WHY WE DON'T SPACE ANYMORE

so they kick some ass and fly away to victory

how the hell did they get there? find out next time on dragon ball z

then these four [REDACTED] morons have to just drop in and completely ruin everything. like c'mon guys what are you even doing.

[REDACTED] passes out because OOPSY POOPSY he dun goofed.

this was a bad idea. mostly because he's a total dork.

he messes up, breaks something, it's gonna destroy the entire building probably

THEY MUST GO NOW THEIR PEOPLE NEED THEM.

[REDACTED] can nyoom everywhere.

[REDACTED], her bois, my sons, and their straight friends

ALIENS AND SHIT

he immediately starts dying

so [REDACTED]'s freaking out. [REDACTED]'s freaking out. idk where anyone else is at this point, but THEY'RE probably freaking out.

tries to kill [REDACTED]. loses an eye instead

[REDACTED]'s now dead as all heck

he just sorta. leaves them there.

they're probably up to some not so great shenaniganery right now tbh

[REDACTED] on the other hand is completely fine with more murder.

he's in his ultra emo phase.

[REDACTED] killed the boi. sad sad.

he realizes what happened and just bails the hell outta there.

Literally half of this is unusable anyway, but going back and seeing all of this is. very enjoyable.

This plot outline stuff came from 2019. The 2014 original one was just something else entirely.

[nightcoremoon]

God are 4channers cringeworthy and pathetic

ordinarily I wouldn't need a reason to say that but holy shit I have a short story

so I like memes. specifically music memes but some other kinds that aren't relevant to the story. there's a youtuber I watch, his name is jasonparadise, he plays guitar hero. he does a lot of custom songs by this dude, bandipat. he does things like down with the sickness and chop suey and through the fire and flames, but he fucks with the lyrics so it says things like "get down with the DICKness" or "TABLE! TABLETABLETABLETABLETABLETABLE TABLE!" or "through the fire and the MEMES we carry AAAAAAAHHHHHH *glass shatters*" and randomly throws in clips of darude-sandstorm and all star by smash mouth and in the end by linkin park. at first I liked the videos because jason's laugh is infectious and he's actually really fucking good at guitar hero, and I started to ironically like the songs. one of them was titled EXTREME MEME MUSIC MEGAMASHUP or something. it was crammed to the brim with gorillaz and twenty one pilots and system of a down and man's not hot and snow halation and never gonna give you up and a thousand miles and what is love and through the fire and the flames and and old spice commercials and the fresh prince of bel-air theme song and some of the undertale soundtrack, daft punk and ariana grande and eminem and owl city and a hundred other pop songs that got way overplayed on the radio. I kind of unironically liked it because it was such a masterful compilation & mashup. so I looked up more and downloaded a dozen different ones by different people. anyway I eventually found a batman parody of all star that was about bane from the dark knight rises. I thought it was hilarious and wanted to find the full video. so I did. I watched it. it was... meh. nothing to write home about or watch again. singer was nasally and kinda sucked. I joked and said "no memes here, singer sounds like social distortion" because he totally did.

one week passed.

today some guy was like "NO MEMES? LMAO NEWF@G"

I was like. fuck it, this loser wants to troll, I'll give him a troll. I basically called him out on being a social distortion fanboy.

he responded "you're either an amazing troll or a PATHETIC NORMALF@G"

I just responded with a smiley face.

holy

fucking

shit, guys.

I think that these neanderthalian cave dwellers actually believe the shit that comes flying out of their fingers and just pretend that it's irony or trolling. I think they really are that much of fucking moronic basement-lurking imbeciles.

the concept of newf@g and normalf@g and the self-fellating ego-stroking mob-mentality tribal barbarian circlejerk are way worse than even the fucking superwholocks, but it's even more embarrassing because instead of being twelve they're all like 27 and running management positions in some business that daddy greased some palms for. borderline-inbred acne-ridden neckbearded incel chucklefucks whose mental fortitude only allows the enjoyment of shrek (via projection) and neonazi terrorists (same), where the concept of people who are *GASP* into things that are different from them, or even *GASP* into things for different reasons than they themselves are, is just way too much for their feeble minds to handle.

like, I'll admit to some of the things I like to be a little cringey. anime, nightcore, my little pony: friendship is magic, 80s music, shitty lord of the rings licensed media... but nothing I do or like will ever hurt or offend anybody. I don't go out of my way to be an asshole slinging around slurs for the lulz because mommy won't let me stay out past 10:30 and forgot to buy me the steak and cheddar hot pockets again because she's a FUCKING BITCH ("I'm sorry I called you a mean name can I PLEASE have the xbox back because all my friends are playing fortnite right now!!!"). I don't sit there drunk and stoned with peanut butter on my dick and world of warcraft running on a second monitor so I can fill my bags with ore and sell it on the auction house for 10x profit and get another month for free because I need more monster and red bull.

and sure, maybe I'm assuming a few things for a person whose profile picture is piccolo from dragon ball z and seems to unironically enjoy what the rest of the comments section had affectionately referred to as "baneposting". and sure, maybe they're all trolls trying to confuse the shit out of the internet, but I see it for what it is. wasting time doing stupid shit because you don't have the intellectual fortitude to, I don't fucking know, contribute something worthwhile to the internet instead of wasting bandwidth on poorly-edited 480p chop cuts of blockbuster movies with loosely cobbled lyrics that make weird al look like fucking hp lovecraft and sung on a potato mike up the nose of one of the world's worst rejects from the american idol qualifiers? if that's a gem, give me an hour and I'll shit out the fucking mona lisa 2: electric boogaloo.

but I don't wanna hear one more person talk shit to me over the things I like when worse is out there.

[shinygoku]

OG DB Anime - Mini Thoughts

I wanna have a little moment for an Anime Retrospective before I advance on to Z! Not much took me by surprise, having read the mangas cover to cover beforehand, but the anime is another beast...!

The first draft of this post went on and on, so if you’re sufficiently interested in a more deep version of my regards to a particular arc, feel free to ask, but I’m not good at writing for too much at once lol

So! My likes, my dislikes and if anything much was changed by the anime~!

PILAF ARC

Pros: It gets things started, which is always nice. A lot of important characters are introduced, as well as several elements that’ll reoccur, like Kamehamehas, Oozarus and speculation on what the heck Goku is (even if it’s clearly a joke instead of foreshadowing!)

Cons: I’ve always felt that this is the weakest offering by Classic DB, the characters being much flatter and the filler being tedious padding. Some is necessary evils, you gotta start somewhere, after all, but the crass jokes don’t do anything to help out here. I hate the pinball episode as it’s 20 minutes of precious time wasted. Goku is lacking a lot of his personality outside the iconic scene where he meets Bulma, mostly being a food-charged punching machine.

Anime Changes? Pretty much just more filler. And Goku eats a hamburger instead of a meat bun? Curious.

KAME SEN’NIN TRAINING & 21st TENKAICHI BUDOKAI

Pros: This is actually where DB starts to find itself and take off. Seeing Goku and Kuririn grow is satisfying and Lunch is also added to the roster. Kuririn’s growth from resenting Goku to becoming his bro is excellent. The Announcer Man is introduced. The Jackie Chun vs Goku fight is great and helps establish how strong and tenacious that little monkey kid is. A rad insert song for the Budokai!

Cons: Still rather lowbrow, cringy humour. Half the characters in the 21st are joke gimmics who bring nothing but quick yuks. Or yucks, because Ew, man, I can do without some of this stuff.

Anime Changes? Roshi gets cockblocked many times in karmic ways. Giran and Namu are expanded in filler, which makes their presence a fair bit more interesting. I’d list Namu as a Pro, but sadly he only makes a couple of brief appearances going forward after this, but at least we do have this filler!

RED RIBBON ARMY (Part 1)

Pros: Goku adventuring solo and beating up the weird jerky soldiers who keep getting in his way. All of Muscle Tower and Hachan. Bulma forcing her way in and getting more than she bargained for. Goku, Kuririn and Bulma in the Pirate Cave. Arale in Penguin Village.

Cons: Blue makes for some very uncomfortable watching. I don’t particularly want to go into depth here but hoo boy is this homophobic. Also Silver is boring. You’re boring me!!

Anime Changes? Boring ass Silver filler and a brief moment where they make Blue a pedo as well. Urrgggghhh. HOWEVER! Also some nice filler with the Jingle Village crew. We get introduced to the man who made Hachan (Jinzonigen Hachigou / Artificial Human #8) who will get forgotten about during Z where some ugmo is the new Jinzo maker guy, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

RED RIBBON ARMY (Part 2)

Pros: All of it. Bora and Upa’s relationship! Tao Pai Pai being the first villain to actually be high stakes and also does it while being entertaining! Goku’s character development when he resolves to avenge Bora and wish him back to life with the Dragonballs! Karin-sama! Goku obliterating TPP and the RRA base! The image song! The Baba Miniarc! Jiichan Gohan!! The first time Shen Long revives somebody...!

Cons: Almost nothing, really, mostly that dirty joke moment with the invisible man lol

Anime Changes? All for the good, expanding the characters and training to give it more substance. Goku’s character growth is really highlighted and he goes from a tough, nice kid who happens into foiling evil into much more of the bringer of hope and justice! He makes a very clear choice here which is still present in the manga but the anime really performs it better.

TENSHINHAN SAGA & 22nd TENKAICHI BUDOKAI

Pros: The filler, which I like to refer to as “Purple Goke Adventures” is all high quality stuff, and even makes the bold move of introducing Tenshinhan (and Chaotzu) early to give us a taste of what’s to come, and what will change! The 22nd Tenkaichi Budokai is Fantastic, with much less dumb gimmicks and much more interesting fights, personal stakes, gorgeous animation and that sweet, sweet character development. Also, Yamcha gets a rad image song.

Cons: Honestly nothing much is coming to mind lmao. I’m not saying it’s flawless but the dirty humour has largely been shed by now. I will say that Namu shoulda been a featured character instead of New Randos we don’t give a rat’s ass for, but that’s a small complaint.

Anime Changes? Great exclusive content here, and also Yamcha listening to the radio for a lot of it. Lunch also beats dudes up while holding an ice cream cone, which is amazing.

PICCOLO DAIMAO SAGA & HEAVENLY TRAINING

Pros: You thought the shit got real with Tao Pai Pai? Well boy, the shit gets so much realer here!! Damn though, this arc goes hard in all the right places! We see Son Goku at rock bottom and higher than he’s ever been before, while also having an interesting side story focused on Tenshinhan. After all that, there’s a bunch of training Goku’s gotta go through, which makes him again much more compelling, as even though we’ve seen him do what no one else can, we also catch a glimpse of how much further there is yet...

Cons: Some animation and filler antics are a bit of a let down, though only in a couple of episodes. Nothin’ too big, mind you.

Anime Changes? Filler, almost all of it is really good! Of note is Goku and Yajirobe searching for the Super Actually Real This Time Magic Water, which makes Goku’s Massive Powerup feel a lot more earned (hey, if it’s poison does that mean he Zenkai’d into more strength?) and the training he goes through with Mr Popo, which shows how much of a noob he is on the grand scale and makes the stuff he does in Z more noteworthy and well deserved, too! Also I sure love the Back to the Future Episode~

PICCOLO JR & GOCHI ADVENTURES

Pros: Another lot of characterization and beautiful fights! Watching Goku vs Piccolo really reminded me of how many notes future fights in Z, most of all Goku vs Vegeta, would take from this. Everyone (who isn’t Chaotzu) gets some time to shine, even Yamcha! After the tournament, we get the adorable pair of Goku and Chichi on their five-episode quest to put out the blazing inferno on Frypan Mountain, which really intensifies my love for them as a couple~

Cons: Not a whole lot, really. It’s main crime is maybe not being quite as rad as the adventures 15 year old Goku was having. Also no insert songs. And the Gochi pacing as a little odd, poor Gyumao is stuck in the burning castle in each of the eps as Goku and Chichi meander about (not wasting time, but it’s very fetch quest-y) and I was honestly really shocked to see all of 3 minutes dedicated to their wedding! What?! We don’t even get half of an episode?! Even 1 more episode would have been a lot nicer, imo.

Anime Changes? All the Gochi content after the tournament, smaller character moments during the Budokai, too. We even get to see Piccolo saving a young boy from a poorly-timed clock falling (haha), before doing a dick move by squashing something or the other the boy had, but it foreshadows his eventual Heel-Face turning in a neat way~!

There we are, I hope this sums it up nicely~

Coming soon: The Liveblogging of the second half of the story!! Which has rather overshadowed this one lol

Obviously I’m looking forward to most of Z, but it’s still bittersweet to be done with DB. Even when I knew the plot beats seeing it all in order and high quality for the first time was wonderful! I’ll return to it, some time after I’ve consumed all of Z and GT too, so it may be quite a while anyway. Maybe watch other things to make DB feel more like coming home? I’m getting rather ahead here, my main point is that

💕 I LOVE DRAGON BALL!! 💕

[mediocremack]

Dream Daddy by The Game Grumps

As I'm sure all of the Game Grumps fans were waiting for for at least forty-seven years, The game grumps have come out with a new game. I probably don't even need to tell you what the name is or what it's even about because this game is huuuuge. Like anyone, I like to play all sorts of games. I have to admit... I have never played a novelization type of game. Upon starting this game, to be perfectly honest, I was sad to think that this wasn't a game I would finish. It just didn't seem like my type of game. I fucking loved this game. I figured, since this game doesn't exactly cover the format I generally use for my game reviews, I'll just start at the beginning and work my way up to the amazing bachelors you have to choose from... and my honest opinions of them.

Like I said... let's start from the beginning...

You start off being woken up by your daughter, Amanda. As you can see, right off the bat, this game already encompasses my parental style. 'Cept, I ain't no daddy. I be huntin' my own daddies.... winkity winkity.... haaa haaa haaaaaaaaaaaa(Creepers need not apply).

Amanda

Before I really get started, I want to talk about Amanda. This is the type of girl you meet in high school who can be friends with everyone. She's well thought out. She's intelligent and she's creative and she's got a very unique look to her. She's got freckles and a gap in her teeth and a style sense that makes her look cool as hell and also spread the sense that she really doesn't give a shit what people think most of time. As a teenager, maybe that's just what she wants you to think. The interactions between your daddy and Amanda are my favorite parts of the game. The choices you get in your interactions are witty and funny and so obviously from the Game Grumps that it actually got exciting to see them if you're a die hard fan like I am. The best part about the interactions for me was that they are very close to the way I and my own father interact with each other as well as I interact with my own daughter. This made it really real for me and made me pretty emotionally invested very quickly, especially with the situation that your daughter is going away to college and in general going off on her own. That is a hard thing to deal with and the detail they put into this very impressive. They had a great way of putting all that into a realistic perspective. There are even a couple of moments that brought tears to my eyes because they were so damn sweet. It was that or sleep exhaustion, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

So anyway... As you get through the opening, you reach the part that made me excited just because of the references: You get to build your daddy. Now when you’re building your daddy you will, of course, see Game Grumps references, you can build Danny or Arin. There is even a reference to Dragon Ball Z. Now... What I TRIED to do... was make a Game Grumps tribute. I tried to make a mash up of Danny and Arin. They both have long hair so I went with a funky middle ground and I couldn't make him have Dragon Ball Z hair. I couldn't bring myself to have him walk around dressed as Danny sex bang and my daddy ended up being more of a lazy people avoider. Maybe that is just a default. Either way... I related to this very well. Food and avoiding people... that is my philosophy.

I'd like you to meet Darin Hansidan. My mash up of both Arin Hanson and Danny Avidan turned into a sleepy unemployed stoner who doesn't believe in real pants. You ever wanted to know what the Grump hosts' love child would look like... Tah dah!

The Choices

At the beginning of the game, you sort of build how your life is with your daughter, Amanda. The first thing you come to realize in this story is that you and your daughter are moving. A small pile of photos is found in one of the boxes and the memories begin flooding back and this is where you decide some of the key details in your story. Much like: whether you had a wife or a husband, whether or not Amanda was adopted, or, simply, whether or not you know her friends or not. Little moments arise all the way through the game. The more you notice how your daughter is handling things, the more you have chances to choose how to respond to your daughter. These are the types of moments that I love.

One of my favorite things about the choices you make in the beginning? The pictures are slightly different depending on whether you had a husband or wife previously? I think that is a cool detail to put in. It adds a lot to the story.

First Impression of the Daddies

Mat

First stop for me was the Coffee Spoon. Because who doesn't need lots of coffee when changing habitats? First guy we meet here is Mat. Not a bad looking feller. Funky dreads and a love of hot beverages. If I wasn't so sure he was probably into dudes I would say he would be perfect for me. My sister happened by while I was playing with and this was the first man she saw and the first one she decided was worthy of some pixel diddling. He rambles a lot and ignites a lot of awkward moments and honestly it's totally adorable. Mat's into art and poetry and naming his coffee after puns on literature and music. And any pun is amazing. Shut up.

Hint: If you want to win his heart... do what I did and order your coffee the way you like your men. HAHAHA I thought it was hilarious. And it worked. Go me. Wooing coffee hippies left and right...

You know what's really messed up? This part made me stop and make coffee. Nice job guys.

Brian

Next stop is the park. Where you meet a large burly, seemingly adorable, red headed man and his daughter. His name is Brian.

I hate Brian. Game Brian. Not real Brian. Real Brian is flawless, and apparently does the voice of a character that I haven’t come across yet. Game Brian is a douche bag. He is condescending and is all like “Yo brah, my daughter is amazing. I don't care about your daughter's accomplishments. My daughter reads books bigger than your entire torso for fun and has all these accomplishments and she's adorable with all her damn freckles.” Fuck you, Game Brian. My Amanda is perfect. She has art on her side which is better than reading monstrous books because she is unique and one of a kind and go die, please. You are thrust into a Pokemon-esque bragging battle mini-game that, I swear, you are destined to lose because fuck this guy who is a Braggy McDoucheface. I hate this guy. No Darin Hansidan dick for this prick. “My daughter won the best prize from her school's fundraiser. A Canoe!” Oh yeah, Brian? Was it a DOUCHE CANOE? Because that seems fitting,  you dick bag.

My hatred of this man just makes me sad because he’s voiced by Barry Kramer, my favorite Grump. I feel so conflicted.

Craig

Upon leaving the park, I am greeted by a very cute asian sports fanatic with his very own special edition chest baby. Turns out you guys were roommates in college. First thought: OH WELL MAYBE IT CAN BE A LONG OVERDUE LOVE CONNECTION PERHAPS!? His chest baby's name is River... which is a neat name... but for short I will call her Chest Baby. I cannot tell you how much I wanted him to have Chest Baby on his chest when you went to the gym with him. Anyways, he is divorced. Winkity wink wink. Could this be a great guy for my daddy-o!? Probably not. He bugs me to exercise. Like.... No, please. I like the fact that he was a frat boy who cleaned up his life and went from crazy party guy to married man with kids... to a divorced man with kids. But hey... good for him. But exercise is Satan. Sleep and coffee are the tools for my salvation.

Joseph

Voiced by the great Arin Hanson. Seems nice enough. Probably a serial killer. Very fashionable and clean cut and he bakes. Well you know what? So does Mat... so... There. This guy is your next door neighbor and he has four children and he is a youth minister at the local church. I don't mean to be THAT daddy, but four kids is a little much for me. Especially since my Amanda is going off to college soon. I can't raise four more. I have an empty nest now. Not to mention... I probably curse way too much to be getting jiggy with a church youth minister.

I gotta say... He is adorable. He's a sweet guy and knows how to defuse an awkward situation. However... he is married to a megabitch. So... there's that. That, in itself, take Joseph out of the running. I ain't no homewrecker, no matter how big a bitch your wife is. That is your problem. You can take care of that yourself.

Mr. Hugo Vega

Very attractive mustachio man, who just happens to be Amanda's teacher. Cool beans. He's very nice and very intelligent and I dig a man who knows big words and who my favorite dead authors are. What makes this man even better is he really cares about our Amanda and wants her succeed. That is worth some major points.

Although, I don’t know how our daughter would feel about me banging her teacher...

Damien

Damien...... is a freaking vampire. He has to be. Described as “Classy” but I don't think I can bring myself to love up on a vampire. He didn't seem too terribly interested in my lazy stoner grump anyways. Bummer Bummer. Not to mention... his “I hate life“ son is a dick. Just can't dig on the goth scene. Too depressing for me.

Robert

Voiced by the lovely Danny Avidan. You first spot this guy creeping on you at the Coffee Spoon. As attractive as I find scruffy gruff men who are probably super bad for me... He probably sells meth to teenagers and is in denial about a drinking problem. I like the dark, mean look and the idea that he has a dominating presence. I think I can do much better. For me and my daughter. There are healthier and less scary dudes around.

Edit: Ok you know what I tried to date the shit out of him with a new dude I made. He is a tough nut to crack... no pun intended.... haha.... because he’s a big whore. ANYWAYS. I tried... but apparently there is some deeper level of strategy maybe? I don’t know. I will marry this scruffy ball of bullshit.

Once I reached the “Dadbook” part of the game, (yes, Dadbook.) I learned several things about all these guys.

Mat is still perfect.

Brian is a typical dad even if he is a douche bag.

Craig spends way too much time thinking about the gym.

Joseph loves his bitch wife for some reason. Like I said... I ain’t no homewrecker.

Mr. Vega has a bit of a nerdy side to him, probably since he likes to paint miniatures, perhaps?

Damien is a macabre. Shocking, no?

And Robert really probably is a criminal, regardless of how hot he is.

As you can tell, I went with Mat. It was an adorable heartfelt journey with two men who have the most fun with each other and the most in common. I am not going to spoil anything for you because I think everyone needs to play for themselves. Make your own daddy and create your own story and makes your own romance. There is just one thing I want to touch on because I found it very... nice.

There was absolutely no “Oh my crap I'm gay!” There was no “coming out” moment. There was no gay references or anything. No controversy. From where I come from that is kind of unrealistic but I loved this. Being gay wasn't even something to be speculated on and I loved it. Perhaps its like that elsewhere but here in Indiana that is kind of rare. Kudos, Game Grumps. You know what's up. 

Upon doing some research there are more people I haven’t even seen yet. There are people you can meet and interact with. Apparently Suzy from Game Grumps does a voice! Which makes me happy. I am probably going to make daddy after daddy to try and experience this game completely. As far as a first game goes, I was very impressed. Not even as far as a first game goes. This is just a good game. It wasn't at all how I expected Game Grumps' first game to be and it was definitely a fun time.

[gunnerpalace]

Thanks for being kind to my wallet man. Anyways, I'm sorry if I offended you in anyway by saying "you Ichirukis". I just came by your blog and you seem to be a pretty knowledgeable dude and thus I asked you a question. Hostile little shit? Really? I'm being called a godamn hopeless imbecile here. Maybe you've just read my msg in a different tone as there is an absence of non-verbal communication here. I didn't say anything about you owing me shit man, you just interpreted that way.

And when you are referring to normal people, there tends to be cross cultural differences sometimes. So whatever you consider as being a normal person might not be the same for somebody else. In your terms I sound and act like a hostile IH so I’m not considered a normal person right? I wasn’t paying too much attention to the Bleach media from start to finish so I don’t know all the nitty gritty details such as sales and such. But yeah you’re right. If you don’t want explain you don’t have to.

Oh my god, an apology. Well, now I’ve seen everything.

Alright, look. I’m having a bit of an experience at the moment, perhaps most accurately summarized by Jules from Pulp Fiction going “The truth is…you’re the weak, and I am the tyranny of evil men. But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be the shepherd.” So I’m going to accept your apology, and take it for granted that you didn’t mean to come across nearly as condescendingly as you did. 

Given that, I too will apologize for my behavior. When I see aggression, I get aggressive. It’s just habit. Trigger-happy IFF. So, I’m sorry for insulting you with gratuitous ad hominem. Let me advise that you consider your tone more carefully in the future.

With that said, let me attempt to answer your original question sincerely in a compact fashion without writing a goddamn thesis, because I still don’t want to put in the time to do that. Bleach had exactly three things going for it:

The uniqueness of the IchiRuki relationship and their individual characters. Ichigo and Rukia are unique because they are somewhere between being deuteragonists and Rukia being a supporting protagonist. I would say that she is a “hidden deuteragonist,” in that her influence is constantly felt, even when she isn’t present. Ichigo is not a normal shounen protagonist, like Gintoki, Luffy, Naruto, Goku, or Kenshiro. He doesn’t have a vision or a goal, and he’s a terrible tsundere. Rukia, however, does. Rukia sets Ichigo on his way and enables him to do what he does, and she repeatedly keeps him in check when he flounders. She is what enables him to function. He is what enables her to influence things. They are two parts of a whole, and neither is operational or very effective without the other. This “split soul” phenomenon is unique to them, was a hallmark of the early manga, and echoed on throughout. Although its promise was by no means always lived up to, it was there, and it’s a major part of why IR is a thing.

Character design in general. I’ll give Kubo this: he’s usually good at fashion and drafting relatively memorable characters. (Even if he starts to recycle faces after awhile; it’s not like Dragon Ball/Z/GT/etc., One Piece, and so on don’t.) They tend to have unique designs, if not wholly unique or fleshed out personalities. He’s very good at creating the illusion��of depth using them. Over the run of the series, pretty much everyone was able to find a character they liked, if not several.

Mystery. A lot of the shit that happens in Bleach is unexplained, or was kicked down the road for as long as possible before being explained. A lot of it was never explained, stuff like “What was Yoruichi’s bankai? / What was her zanpakutou? / Why can she turn into a cat?” “Who were the other two Great Noble Houses?” “What was the deal with the Soul King?” “How did Soul Society really get started?” “What was up with Komamura?” “What was up with Don Kanonji?” “What was up with Ururu and Jinta?” The list goes on and on. Mystery is alluring, as the writers of Lost quickly figured out.

You will notice what I didn’t mention: fighting, worldbuilding, and plot. So let’s go over those quickly.

Fighting: Bleach’s fights suck. Someone dramatically teleports behind someone else leading to a shocked expression. Someone slices someone else’s arm off. Whoever reveals how their powers work first loses. Everybody gets new, “hiddener, worser” powers. It wasn’t so bad through the Soul Society arc because it was still fresh, but the more power-creep set in, the worse it got. Bleach doesn’t use powers in interesting ways like One Piece or JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. It doesn’t handle a constant ramping up of the stakes as well as Dragon Ball/etc. It doesn’t have the technical interest of Naruto. It’s extremely boring and repetitive. As a battle manga, it’s shit.

Worldbuilding: Bleach’s worldbuilding is a shadow puppet show. It’s literally Plato’s Allegory of the Cave: the illusion of depth and meaning which you only process as such because nothing calls it into question. This isn’t to say Kubo didn’t plan some things (I would say that the theological essence of Soul Society and its cycle of reincarnation makes more sense than most organized religions, since it answers a lot of basic questions like “Where do new souls come from?”) but there were many things he simply couldn’t be bothered with.

Plot: It’s rather apparent, and has been for a number of years, that Kubo reshuffled the plot on the way to the conclusion of the Soul Society arc. That said, the plot was still good up until then. The Arrancar arc was serviceable, Hueco Mundo was bad, and things went downhill from there. The reappearance of the Quincy in Thousand-Year Blood War was a massive retcon and plot hole that makes no real sense.

Now here’s the thing. The Mystery aspect of Bleach was bound up in the Plot and Worldbuilding. The more the latter two fell apart, the more the former became threadbare and could be clearly seen as an effort to string readers along. So much of Bleach’s “promise” turned out to be a polar bear on a tropical island.

The Character design also became wrapped up in Worldbuilding and Fighting, as characters often had no other means to advance, grow, or define themselves, and were relegated to bit parts other than to turn up every two years in some insignificant tussle. The continuing cast bloat only made this worse, as did the dramatically skewed nature of fan favorites.

What didn’t change was IchiRuki. I would argue it didn’t advance as it should have, and rather more objectively, every effort was made to push them into the background in favor of the other five elements, but they were at least consistent throughout, which is why so many people looked forward to their interactions, no matter how fleeting. It was solid all the way up until the final 5 or so chapters, once Kubo had clearly decided to implement his subversive “ending” (what with Tsukishima taking Rukia’s primary role, and so on).

Anybody who wasn’t around for that reason was holding onto vain hope about the Mystery, because of sunk cost fallacy, or were just trying to support their favorite characters or other ships. That’s the god’s honest truth. Bleach’s numbers started to tank after Soul Society and were abysmal by the time of Lost Substitute Shinigami. The sudden end of Bleach was Shueisha finally pulling the plug and disconnecting life support.

Now, you can say that nothing I’ve said here is proof, and that would be true, this is all summary. The proof is out there though (although I cannot be bothered to assemble it all for you), and I think any honest reader would admit the truth of my analysis even without it.

tl;dr IchiRuki is the only consistent positive of Bleach, which is otherwise a subpar fashion manga which never deserved to be counted among the big three on any other merits.

[cozymochi]

(Sorry if this has been asked before) When/what got you into liking Yamcha? I wish to hear your fan-story.

OH DON’T WORRY I LOVE TELLING THIS STORY 💙💙 💝It’s kinda long tho since it did involve when I first got into DBZ through my five year break up until this point. (So I’ll try to summarize the first part- and finally tell some pieces I never got to. And “we” refers to me and my siblings) 🌸💕

Sometime in 2011 DBZ Kai was airing on Nicktoons and it was pretty much the highlight of our “about to deal with school” morning. It showed up in the afternoon too, but during this time there was a hiatus before new episodes could air I think- but this was in the early morning. We came into it blind with no fandom knowledge or influence.

Anywho, after a few days of watching we finally managed to be early enough to see the damn [kickass] opening. And right at the end card, we spot some cool-looking guy in the back with long hair and scars and we’re over here like “OH! Who’s that guy?? When are we gonna see that guy??”

Cut to like, some random ass Namek episode in the afternoon where King Kai reveals that the other Z-Fighters made it through Snake Way. A.K.A holy shit, its the other characters from the OP. THAT was the technical first time I saw Yamcha on screen and speaking (and also learned his name finally). I thought he sounded weird when he spoke cuz I did not expect that …I guess “surfer” type of voice to come out of him. (I don’t think any of us did tbh- and I still don’t really like it) But shoot, I remember one of us saying “[GASP] IT’S THAT ONE GUY!!!” Homie was gone as quickly as he showed up, but he appeared sporadically.

Cut to a random Kai marathon from start to wherever they left off on Namek and wheee~ During the Saiyan Arc, we finally get to see Yamcha fight. And it was wonderful. I don’t know if it was the animation (it was) but it was pretty hype. And based on that single fight alone my approval rating certainly went up significantly- as first impressions go for fighting it wasn’t a bad sight. Tho, since the first time we saw him was with a halo we knew at SOME point that he was gonna die. He died right there via sneak attack explosion. Final thoughts at that point: “DANGIT I WANTED TO SEE MORE OF THAT GUY”

Spoilers: We didn’t see more. Not a lot anyway. Not in this show… (Well not until the Cell stuff in which case we shit ourselves in worry and fear of possibly not seeing him AGAIN when he got impaled by Dr. Gero.) I just know every time we (or I) saw Yamcha pop up, It was always a happier time.

Anyway… To be honest, Vegeta was actually my top favorite character in the entire show up until watching the Cell Saga (on tv). In which case, I found him to be… kind of annoying. He had some badass moments, but I think I liked him for what he was in the Saiyan/Namek stuff. Maybe I was sorta in the position of “Theres way too much of this good thing, so I’m getting tired of it…” (I.E, Vegeta was that good thing, but at the same time seeing him so much was kinda draining for me. He certainly complained a lot. Lord knows I also drew a fuckton of him too lol There was a good chunk of him on Namek but dammit, he was great in that) I liked Yamcha too, but he was more of an afterthought around Vegeta. Not like we saw him that much…

[insert discovering Dragon Ball here , buying and binging season 1 of that with a sibling, and pretty much everything else in essence about this whole series is absorbed and the awful personal year of 2011 ends and in 2012 the apocalypse happens]

I just know I DID leave DBZ for a while without much of a favorite character anymore. I just remember by the Cell stuff, most characters I stopped caring about (at that point anyway). I also didn’t think about the series as a whole for a while. Minus watching and keeping up with TFS, I just know I wasn’t swayed by any of the comments that talked shit on Yamcha for some reason. Though, at those points I couldn’t deduce why exactly I wasn’t swayed lol I just thought “He’s still ok to me??” (I’m sure I tried looking for reasons, but nothing really came about)

CUT TO LATE 2016, @since-the-900s got back into it and via many a conversation where I had to keep recalling my previous knowledge in order to converse, by extension so did I. And my first thought AFTER ALL THE YEARS OF NOT REALLY THINKING ABOUT IT SERIOUSLY- was that Yamcha was my favorite character. I just knew that for some reason, and was so sure about that. Recalling more info about him, that got solidified even more.

So, we’ve come full circle.

Based on EVERYTHING HERE, I can probably assume that I liked him the moment I first saw him (thanks in part to his design that kinda stood out), and I always have. I just didn’t really notice until recently when all of my thoughts finally settled and collected as… I guess I’m an adult.

Yamcha didn’t show up enough when I watched the show for me to ever get annoyed by him, so whenever homie DID show up it was always really nice. I WANTED to see him, and I wouldn’t get that much. So maybe that helped…

When we watched DB he was great in all of that- especially with the shocker that “Holy crap? He was a MAIN CHARACTER at one point??” It was quite the contrast from what little was shown of him in Z (Well it was Kai but still, bear with me). The only info about him in Z was off-hand comments made by Bulma that weren’t really flattering to say the least. But …considering every time he did show up he… he seemed pretty okay…? And…what kind of guy whose goal is to be married would even… But y'know.. ☕️(Even now, a piece of me DOES want to believe what she says, honest to God I do, but… really nothing supports those allegations at all, so I can’t bring myself to)

He was also shat on constantly by fans for reasons that I could never fully figure out (then I realize those “reasons” weren’t even real reasons). As far as I could tell watching the show, he didn’t really do anything to warrant so much disdain. (Shoot, he wasn’t even PRESENT [in Z] long enough to do much of anything, period) Being obstinate as fuck, who cares what they think? Especially on youtube comments. A lot of ‘em can’t even spell.

BUT YEAH THATS MY BIZARRE AND LONG ASS STORY. Just a bunch of weird factors… I get annoyed rather easily, but Yamcha was just on my good side rather consistently. He’s a cupcake that doesn’t get much of a shot to REALLY shine. (I mean, he shined before briefly, but I mean to full-extent where more people could see that)

Just another case of “I didn’t realize how much I liked this character until I really thought about it more.” If that makes any sense.

I’ll be damned if I don’t let it be known that I LOVE TF OUT OF YAMCHA.

[prodigaisons]

there’s nothing inherently embarrassing about liking video games or anime to like, an extreme extent. people do it constantly with all kinds of things.

I think the reason these things in particular is bc they’ve both been stereotyped to be enjoyed by a particular subset of people.

and the funny thing is that like, I would say most ppl do actually like both. maybe not to the level of fandom, maybe not to the level of collecting merch and discussing fan theories and writing/reading fanfic, but most ppl have and do enjoy both.

most millennials and gen z grew up watching anime. did you not watch sailor moon? naruto? dragon ball z? pokemon? yu gi oh? these are all perfectly mainstream series. ghibli is a household name. everyone’s seen a ghibli movie.

even if you “aren’t into anime”, you’ve probably watched an anime and enjoyed it like any other cartoon or tv show. because that’s what it is.

most millennials and gen z grew up playing video games. I wasn’t a huge gamer as a kid due to being poor but even I played Mario kart and just dance. even I had hand held systems I would take if I was gonna be bored.

these things are all..... normal parts of our society. anime doesn’t mean “ecchi with unrealistic proportions and basic self insert male protag”. it just refers to an animated show made in Japan (or arguably with that style, but I digress).

video games aren’t all violent power fantasies for cishet men. it’s just a medium to create an interactive story (or just a simple game to have fun). nothing more.

the problem is that both of these are relatively easy formats to pick on. video games are new, recent. it’s easy to use them as a target thanks to fear of technology. anime is foreign and not white. easy to target it as weird and inherently misogynistic.

not only that, but they drew attention from outsiders. the black sheep. people who don’t have anything to loose from that connection.

I remember being bullied for being into anime. yes, I was kind of weird (I talked to myself and stimmed and was Fat. no, I wasn’t dirty. no, I didn’t growl or hiss at other students. I only started punching them when screaming wouldn’t stop the verbal abuse.). bullying me for liking something foreign, for not liking what was considered Cool at the time (degrasse and full house. my school had a weird meme about the one actor for some reason ??)

I probably would’ve been bullied for being a fat autistic tomboy anyway, yeah, but those aren’t the words they used. it was to target what I enjoyed, bc that was also strange. it was even worse for a friend of mine, who was mocked for being adopted, Asian (it’s been a while, I think she was Chinese but I would feel bad if I was wrong about this), and liking anime. another friend was mocked for not being allowed to watch certain cartoons by her strict aunt.

honestly, idc if ppl pick fun at shit like fujoshis, men who like my little pony, or similar stuff where it’s very fucking obvious there’s a problem. I also don’t think mocking incels and neckbeards with hygiene issues is this Huge Problem bc lbr here, those who are autistic are a minority. most of them are neurotypical. I don’t even care about calling out gamers bc very few ppl I know who like video games and are invested in social change actually call themselves gamers. we don’t wanna be associated with those types, even if we’re paying hundreds on merch and dlcs!

and I certainly don’t care about insulting weebs- I don’t get how that became smth people liked to use?? back when I was a middle schooler in irl anime groups being called a weeb was Bad. bc yknow. it meant you were an openly racist asshole who didn’t respect japanese culture or creators. middle schoolers watching atla abridged knew this. how do fucking grown adults not????

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z Movie 12:  Fusion Reborn (3/6)

So Janemba’s messing with King Yemma, cutting off his authority over the boundary between the living and dead.  Yemma knew this would have dire consequences for the universe, and we see that manifest on Earth, where dead people are suddenly back from the grave.   For example, this family is at a cemetary to visit their grandfather’s grave, only to find him alive and well in his burial clothes no less.    He’s not a ghost or any other sort of apparition either; he has feet and everything.

Elsewhere, an older man named Romeo has a similar experience at the grave of his deceased lover, Juliano.   Or Julianne?    I don’t know.    You’d think they would have called her “Juliet” to play in with Romeo, except in the play they both died young.    Here, Romeo survived, and he’s and old man.

But Julianne hasn’t aged at all in the past sixty years since her death.   It kind of makes for an awkward reunion.   

Incidentally, Romeo has a crucifix, so this marks the first official appearance of Jesus Christ in Dragon Ball.  We’ve seen crosses and the name “Jesus Christ”, but this is an actual image of the Son of God Himself.    “But Lord, why are there no footprints in the sand during the most difficult parts of the journey?”  “Because that was when I Instant Transmissioned you, lol.”

Speaking of crosses, here’s Dracula, and I guess he was dead, until he came back today.   But he still has a wooden stake in his heart, which... okay why does he want it removed if it’s not killing him?  Why can’t he just take it out himself? Also, if Janemba’s powers are causing dead people to come back to life, shouldn’t Dracula turn back into a human?   

Meanwhile, some horde of invaders on horseback marches through traffic.    I think these are supposed to be Mongols, but I dunno.

They kind of get their thunder stolen when a second army of tanks shows up, let by Adolf Hitler.  I mean, it’s not quite Hitler.  His uniform is bright purple, and the real Hitler wouldn’t be leading a battalion of tanks into action.  But this movie never bothers to give him a satirical name, like “Dunkoff Shitler” or “Adenoid Hynkel” or whatever.   So I just refer to this guy as Hitler.   Same as that vampire from a minute ago.  

In any event, this guy’s obvious resemblance to Hitler is why his scenes were edited out in several countries, which have laws against depicting Nazi imagery.  For what it’s worth, the movie doesn’t really lose much with these scenes taken out.

Also, there’s just straight up zombies running around, which I don’t really understand, since Hitler and Julianne are fully alive.  But that’s the chaos of Janemba for you.  He’s not purposely doing any of this.   This is just the result of him cutting off King Yemma’s power to regulate the dead.

But don’t worry, folks, Gohan’s here and he’ll save the day, right after he finishes eating.

Goku may be dead, but his legacy lives on in his sons, Gohan and Goten.   Chi-Chi doesn’t mind doing all the dishes from the boys’ meals, but she does miss her husband at times like these.

So Videl offers to help with the dishes, but Chi-Chi’s like, no way, you’re a guest in this house.

But somehow we end up with Videl doing the dishes in the next scene.   This is one of my favorite animations in this movie.   With the sound effects, I could watch a loop of this all day. 

Chi-Chi is impressed, so she tells Videl that she’ll make a fine wife.  

And Videl’s all “Marriage?  Gawrsh!”   This is adorable.  She’s so worked up that she drops a dish.

But Chi-Chi doesn’t mind, because she still thinks Videl is cut out for married life.  In the manga, Chi-Chi wants Videl to marry Gohan so she can get a chunk of that sweet, sweet Mr. Satan fortune, but in this movie, I almost feel like she’s proposing to marry Videl herself.   “Marry me, Videl, so I may never have to wash a dish again!”  “Wh-what about Gohan?”  “What about Gohan?”

Then Videl breaks more dishes, but before she can clean them up, she gets a call from the Satan City Police, who inform her that the dead have risen and are overrunning the town.   Also, they ask her to contact Great Saiyaman.  Videl’s like “No problem, I’m at his house now.   I think his mom is coming on to me.”

“Stay away from my mom, Videl.”

Meanwhile, in Otherworld, Goku and Pikkon’s championship match is interrupted when a giant crystal sprouts out of the ring.

The Grand Kai believes the disturbance is coming from King Yemma’s domain, and he sends Pikkon to investigate.   But Goku doesn’t want him to go, since that would mean he’d win the tournament by forfeit.   So the Grand Kai orders Goku to go with Pikkon, and that works out, since Goku can teleport there.

When they arrive, they find everything all messed up.

Yemma somehow contacts them from within the barrier around his domain, and he points out Janemba on the roof.

Pikkon tries to ask Janemba to cut the shit, but Janemba either won’t cooperarte or he can’t understand him.   When Pikkon loses his patience, Big J flicks him into one of those floating jellybeans he made.

This catches Goku’s interest, and now he’s happy that they left the tournament for this, since Janemba seems like an even greater challenge.

Janemba seems to agree to tangling with Goku, so he suggests that Pikkon see to Yemma while Goku lures Janemba to hell, where he’ll be out of the way.

I’m not sure if there were already jellybeans in hell, or if Janemba brought a bunch down with him.  

Otherwise, Hell has experienced its own bizarre changes.  I’m not entirely sure what’s changed, since we only saw it twice in the entire run of the anime up until now, but I’m pretty sure all those humanoid-looking figures weren’t there before.

Janemba grabs a few and turns them into mini-clones of himself.

Goku thinks they look cute until they all start ganging up on him.

Fortunately, Goku can just beat them away with a few roundhouse kicks, and they all vanish.   The bad news is that the big Janemba won’t be that easy.

Back on Earth, Gohan’s having tons of fun clobbering zombies. 

Videl’s doing pretty well against them too, but the real question is: Why is this happening, and how do they stop it?   Gohan isn’t sure, but he’s confident that it’ll all work out with the two of them together. 

Videl’s charmed by his answer, but then--

Some jagoff intrudes on their moment.

Oh look, it’s this asshole.   Yeah, Frieza’s back and he’s in this movie too, along with Dracula, Hitler, and Jesus.  For those of you keeping score, that means Steel Ball Run, Hellsing, and Resurrection F were all inspired by this movie.

Frieza is surprised that anyone on Earth knows him by name, so Gohan unmasks to reveal that he was the kid with the bowl-haircut on Namek.        

Videl’s completely smitten here.   “Wow, he’s wayyy dreamier than his mom!”

So Frieza’s decided to kill Gohan as revenge for Goku defeating him.   You’d think he’d be mad about Future Trunks killing him, but he was friends with Gohan too, so it still works.   The part that doesn’t work is this punk-ass bitch running around in Movie 12 like it’s still Movie 3. 

So Frieza sics a surprise army of henchmen on Gohan to soften him up.  Of course, it makes perfect sense that all the top Frieza soldiers would be here, and that they’d still be loyal to Frieza, but there’s also a lot of Movie 1-5 henchmen too, and most of them don’t even know Frieza.  Still it’s not hard to believe that they could be persuaded to join his side.

But Bojack seems pretty hard to swallow.   Out of everyone in this scene, he’s definitely stronger than Frieza ever was, so why isn’t he calling the shots here?

Anyway, waves of henchmen, Frieza’s invincible, what will Gohan do now? 

FREE-ZA FREE-ZA FREE-ZA FREE-ZA

Hadou ooana GALAXY Yudan wana PARASITE

FREE-ZA FREE-ZA FREE-ZA FREE-ZA

Obienaku wa warera min

DIE!DIE!DIE!

So yeah, everyone sees Gohan END Frieza with one fraggin’ punch, and they all turn chickenshit and run away.  Even Bjoack, I guess, which only makes sense, because Gohan punched a hole through him in Movie 9. 

Videl’s like “Wow, it’s kind of weird how all of these dead people came back to life, and presumably we can’t kill them again because they’d just come back, and yet Frieza was the only jerk in this whole movie who got exploded and stayed dead from all of this.”

Then Gohan does his victory poses, and Videl swoons off-screen.  In the dub, they changed the ending dialogue to suggest that Gohan and Videl made out shortly after this scene, and Goten and Trunks saw it.   It’s not in the Japanese script, but come on.  How was Videl not al over this dude after this?  We know it happened.  

Meanwhile, Mr. Satan is punching zombies someplace else, and he’s pretty pleased with how well he’s doing, except there’s no one around to watch him in action, so he moves on to find his grateful public.

Fortunately, he won’t run out of zombies anytime soon.  

Meanwhile, Goten and Trunks are helping out by gathering the Dragon Balls,   They find the seventh one on a golf course.

But Goten gets hit with a golf ball while he’s there.   Irritated, he decides to hide the ball to get payback on whoever sent it his way.

But he hides it in the hole, so the golfer thinks he made a hole-in-one and he’s sobbing with joy.   This doesn’t have much to do with the movie, but what’s great about Fusion Reborn is that you can expand on almost any scene and make it part of the wider story.   Maybe this guy’s a dead Frieza Soldier who got the call to mobilize and he said “Fuck that, if I’m alive, I’m gonna hit the links one last time.”  Or maybe he’s just a regular dude, but the lady there is his dead wife, who’s come back to tell him that the accident wasn’t his fault, and it’s okay for him to move on with his life.    Or they’re both alive, but the golf course gets destroyed by Cell during his epic battle with Tiencha.

Back at Capsule Corp.  Gohan summons Shenron.  For some reason,  in the dub, she tells him he’s “the only one who can,” and I’ve never understood that.   Maybe she means that Gohan’s the only one who understands the crisis well enough to make the right wish to Shenron, but she could still call the Dragon.   She’s done it before several times.

It’s funny how this is the first time Goten and Trunks have seen Shenron, even though the plot of Movie 10 was them gathering Dragon Balls specifically to see Shenron.  That’s how big a disappointment Movie 10 was.  Meanwhile, Movie 12 is so awesome that it pays off ideas from other movies.    

Videl might have wished for a handsome BMF with cool shades...

But Shenron can’t grant a wish that’s already come true.  Let’s just pause here to drink in this majestic shot of Casual Friday Great Saiyaman.   

...

...

...

Nice.

I’m just gonna put it here again.  It’s great.   

So Gohan explains the situation to Shenron and asks him to put all the dead people back where they belong, which Shenron says is a simple task. 

But then he says he can’t do it after all.  Goten complains, and Trunks silences him before Shenron can take offense.

Now, in the dub, Shenron gives a more thorough explanation.   He can move the dead back where they belong, but with King Yemma out of commission, there’s nothing to stop them from simply coming back.  I think that logic is strongly implied in the subtitles, but it’s not quite so clear.    In any case, this is beyond Shenron’s power.  It wouldn’t be if Yemma were on the board, but if that were the case, there’d be no need to involve Shenron in the first place.   

So that leaves everyone feeling pretty dejected.   The problem lies in Otherworld, and if Shenron and Gohan can’t fix it, then they’re out of options.  

And while they ponder what to do next...

...Shenron awkwardly asks if there’s anything else he could do for them while he’s here.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z Movie 12: Fusion Reborn (2/6)

This time around, I’ll try to explain just what Janemba is, exactly, and why he’s a big deal.  But to do that, we have to get through the first ten minutes of this movie, so...

Movie 12 opens at the Grand Kai Planet, then pans to an asteroid orbiting the planet, where there’s a stadium hosting a tournament.    I never really paid attention to it before, but this is a whole other venue than the one used in DBZ 196-199.    If nothing else, this arena has a big green ring.   It looks like it’s made ouf of jade or something.   It’s a really nice touch.

I always assumed that the idea here was to hold a second Otherworld Tournament, since the one from Episodes 196-199 ended without a winner.    Then again, it’s been seven years since that event, so it seems odd that they would have waited so long.   On the other hand, everyone involved is either dead or a Kai, so seven years may not seem like that long a wait.  

King Kai, also known as the North Kai, is feeling really confident, since his top fighter, Goku, dominated the last tournament.   As before, East Kai and South Kai’s camps aren’t doing very well at all.   

But South Kai is still confident, since one of his fighters is still in the semifinals.   The subs refer to him as “Clove”, but I’m pretty sure he’s talking about Frog, or “Frogue” as he’s credited in the Funimation version.

So he and King Kai bicker about who’s gonna win, but Goku beats Frogue with a single kick, and I’m pretty sure the bout was shorter than their argument. 

Meanwhile, Pikkon defeats Aqua, aka Argua, in the other semifinal match.   I guess Aqua must have improved over the past seven years to have made it this far.

So that eliminates the East and South Galaxies from the tournement.    South Kai immediately starts rooting for Pikkon just to spite King Kai.   It’s kind of weird how Pikkon is a West Galaxy guy, but we don’t hear a lot from West Kai in this movie.    Maybe South Kai got the nod because he was actually in the manga, so he’s more “canonical” than the West or East Kais. 

So the final match is Goku vs. Pikkon, in a rematch of their epic match from Episodes 198 and 199.   That ended in a draw when both men touched the ceiling of the arena, and maybe that’s why they switched the venue this time.  

Both men do Respect Knuckles and the match begins.  

What I like about this movie is that this isn’t even the main story, but it totally could have been.  Toei did a five episode arc about the Grand Kai holding a tournament of all these dead fighters.  They could have done a movie that was just a sequel to that arc.   I don’t know how well-received it would have been, but I would have gone for it.    Maybe a new fighter dies and joins this group in the afterlife, and Goku has trouble against him.   Maybe you have Broly escape hell and crash the tournament.  There’s a lot of cool things you can do with this, but you could just have Goku and Pikkon fight some more.

But Movie 12 has even bigger things to get to, so this is just a scene to establish some of the characters.   And that’s how this movie rolls.  You could expand this story into a twenty-or-thirty-episode saga very easily.   

So we move on to King Yemma’s place, which the dub refers to as the “Check-In Station.”   I’m not super-familiar with Japanese mythology concerning the afterlife, but my understanding is that when you die, you go to King Yemma for judgement.     DBZ satirizes this idea by having the dead people’s souls wait in line, and all the oni who work for Yemma are like white collar wage slaves, and King Yemma has a desk with a big rubber stamp to notarize each soul’s fate.

In this particular scene, they’re having a busy day, probably echoing the episodes from the Buu Saga where millions of people were showing up every few minutes while Majin Buu was wiping out the Earth’s population.   Yemma’s basically zipping right through these guys, which I think is meant to be ironic.   I feel like the real King Yemma is supposed to take longer to examine a person’s moral character.  

Anyway, if you get sent to Heaven, you’re escorted to this big aircraft that flies you to a planet somewhere in Otherworld.     We’ll see it later in the Fusion Saga, but the plane was last seen in Episode 195, although Goku used a second, smaller plane to travel to the Grand Kai Planet. 

On the other hand, I’m pretty sure this hole that opens up in the wall is new.   In Episode 195, Goku and King Kai just walked through a doorway.

If you’re condemned to Hell, you have to go through a machine to cleanse your soul of evil.  I was under the impression that hell itself was meant to do that, but this franchise can never make up its mind about how hell works. 

According to Episode 237, when you’re a bad person and you die, you don’t get to keep your body like Goku did, and your soul is eventually purged of memory, and reincarnated as a new life form.    I don’t know how much of that is based on actual Japanese mythology, if any, but at least in DBZ, the idea of hell is not to act as a place of eternal suffering for the wicked.    It’s more like a very long jail sentence, designed to redeem the wicked so that they can proceed onto reincarnation or maybe some other phase of existence.   The suffering is part of the rehabilitation process.

I think that’s why Frieza still had his body in Movie 15, even after so many years in hell.    They let him keep it, but only so he could experience greater torment.   In theory, he would get so worn down that he would come to accept his punishment as the rightful consequence of all his evil deeds, and then his body would dissipate and he would lose his memory and identity.    But Frieza’s such a hateful bitch that he hung in there long enough to get wished back to life.  

On the other hand, these souls are all formless clouds.   It seems like only important characters get to keep their bodies in hell.   That may just be a convenience for the audience, or maybe stronger bad guys can maintain their physical form more easily.   Maybe that’s why they didn’t send Frieza through this machine.    He would have gummed up the works and broken it.    Maybe it’s only used for the not-so-evil souls who are easier to deal with.   Instead of spending 100,000 years climbing the needle mountain, they can just go through the cleansing machine and move on.

Whatever the case, this movie establishes that a machine cleans souls and extracts their evil residue in the form of a dark purple liquid that gets stored in special tanks.  

And they have an oni on duty to keep an eye on things and switch out the tanks when they get full.    But it’s a dull job, and the pay sucks, so he listens to a Walkman and plays air guitar to help pass the time.

But King Yemma’s sending an awful lot of people to hell today.   He’s not even taking a break for lunch.   So that waste tank’s going to fill up quickly.

Okay, I just realized that all of these guys wear tiger-striped clothes, and I think that’s because oni in folklore wear tiger-skins.   They do in Yu Yu Hakusho, and I assume they dress a little more authentically there.    Their version of King Yemma is treated like a bigger deal.    Anyway, one of the older workers scolds the Tank Clerk for slacking off, and threatens him with a pay cut.  

He also points out the rapidly filling tank, and the clerk seems enthusiastic about switching it, but he never actually does.

I really dig this guy’s jacket.   That skull and crossbones looks cool.

But soon enough, there’s an overload on the waste system, and the line breaks.   I guess the oni don’t believe in relief flanges, but maybe spiritual waste is too hazardous to release into the atmosphere.     Well, it’s happening now.

Tank Clerk knows right away that he’s screwed.   He’s worried for his job, and he has no idea what to do about a spill this big.    I think it’s more than just the one tank breaking.    Like, somehow it set off a chain reaction that blew all the other tanks they had sitting nearby.   Man, OSHA would have a field day with this place.   Why is Tank Clerk wearing shorts to work when he’s surrounded by toxic waste?    What good is a fire extinguisher going to do?   Does he have no idea how to respond to this situation?   Who here does?

But then things go from bad to worse, as the spirit waste mutates him into some sort of bizarre creature.  

Yeah, you might want to have a doctor take a look at that.

As soon as King Yemma hears what’s going on, he shits a brick.   Those tanks contained accumulated evil from countless souls that have been through that cleansing machine.    Why didn’t they dispose of any of it?   Can it be destroyed?   Is that Beerus’ job?  Like he just shows up every hundred years and zaps the full tanks into oblivion?   Well, he won’t be invented for another 18 years, so Yemma’s on his own for this one.

As for Tank Clerk, well he looks like this now.   

Then he sits on top of Yemma’s building and... I’m not really sure what this is.   Let’s start over.    So this monster that was once the Tank Clerk only says one word, and that’s “Janemba”, which isn’t even a word, I think.   So everyone calls him that like it’s his name.  

Apparently his power is some sort of reality manipulation?   That’s pretty vague, actually, since manipulating reality implies you can basically do anything, but what else can I call this?   Janemba creates all these huge jellybean-looking crystals, and some of them used to be other objects, but maybe others were created from nothing.    I think he encased Yemma’s palace in a crystal, but it sort of looks like he distorted the building at the same time.

Inside, things look pretty normal, but there’s some crystal formations within the building, and one of the ogres gets encased in it himself.  

Also, Janemba can project his image in different parts of these crystals.    Maybe this is meant to be simple reflections and refractions, but it seems more magical than that.  

Yemma seems to understand what’s going on better than I do, but there’s nothing he can do about it.    Janemba is the result of the tank clerk being possessed by the evil ki in the spirit waste.    This gave him the ability to surround Yemma’s domain with a barrier, and that barrier has suspended Yemma’s control over the boundary between the living world and the afterlife.   The only way to stop it is to defeat Janemba, and Yemma can’t very well do this while he’s trapped in his own stronghold.  

As I think about it, I sort of wonder if it’s not just the spiritual waste and the evil ki it contains that gave Janemba this power.    Maybe it has something to do with the Tank Clerk as well, since he’s an oni.    Alone, he’s just a lowly subordinate of Yemma, but he must have some sort of power in matters of the living and the dead, and maybe all this evil ki amplified that to make him strong enough to thwart King Yemma.

But that only explains “how”.   There’s still the question of “why?”   It’s often pointed out that Janemba is a pretty weak villain because he doesn’t talk and he has no apparent goals or motives.   But I think that’s a common trait with a lot of Dragon Ball villains.  

Pilaf and Piccolo wanted to conquer the world, but I’m pretty sure both guys only said that because that’s such a stock answer.    It’s a vague expression of desire for power and control, but Pilaf can’t even run more than two people at a time, and Piccolo only wanted to rule the world so he could destroy its people and stick it to Kami.   I think you can lump in with that all the bad guys who wanted to be immortal:  Garlic Junior, Frieza, Vegeta.   Lord Slug only wished for youth, but that’s just because he lacked the imagination to wish or immortality.    The ultimate point was just to eliminate any threats to their existing power.  

Then you have guys like Turles and Dr. Wheelo, who only seemed to be interested in acquiring greater power for themselves.  There were hints in Movies 2 and 3 about what those guys would do with their power once they had enough.   Wheelo would probably continue doing evil experiments on the world, and Turtles maybe would have overthrown Frieza, but Turles strikes me as a free spirit, and he only wanted to be strong enough to keep guys like Frieza from hassling him.    For all we know, Dr. Wheelo only wanted Goku’s body because he missed having sex.   

Then you’ve got the revenge squad: Dr. Gero, Cooler, Crane Hermit, Paragus, Broly ‘93, Lord Jaguar, Babidi.   All of these guys wanted blood in exchange for some personal slight that really isn’t worth it.   Well, Jaguar didn’t actually want to kill anyone, but that only makes him an idiot.    You don’t clone an army of bio-warriors unless you want someone dead.  

The point I’m getting at here is that most of these guys have really lousy motivations, and that doesn’t even get into the villains with seemingly no motivations at all. 

Commander Red wanted to be taller, which is so stupid he kept it a secret because he knew it was stupid, and the only guy he told ended up shooting him in the face because of how stupid it was.   

Mercenary Tao was in it for money, even though he famously never paid for anything.  

Tien wanted to kill people because he looked up to killers until they started killing people he liked.

Android 17 and Cell wanted to have fun.   I’d throw 18 into that group, but honestly, I think she just sort of went along with whatever 17 did, which is almost sadder.

Who the hell knows what Bojack wanted?    He got killed before he could really spell it out. 

And then you have Majin Buu, who doesn’t even understand his own motivations.   He thought he only killed people for fun, and then when he decided it was wrong, he stopped, only to transform into another form who wanted to fight, and then another form who killed people for its own sake.

Now these are all really shitty motivations, and yet at the same time a lot of these guys are classic villains.   That’s because the thesis of Dragon Ball is that power without purpose is self-defeating.    Goku uses his strength to improve himself and help others.   The bad guys always try to use their power for selfish reasons, and it always leads to empty achievements.   Conquests they can’t enjoy, endless searches for fulfillment, and pointless scrambling for even greater power.    Any fool with a weapon can murder someone, so what difference does it make to rule the world or be the strongest in the universe if that’s all you know to do with your time?

What’s all of this have to do with Janemba?   Remember, he’s been possessed with evil ki from a multitude of wicked souls.    In other words, he’s got the distilled essence of the same thing that made all those other bad guys tick.    Frieza, King Piccolo, whoever your favorite is, Janemba’s got the same urges times a billion.   And this is what he’s become:

Just some goofy man-child-thing that only knows how to hit people and say his own name.   He’s powerful, sure, but he doesn’t know what to do with all that power.  I think it’s safe to assume he could do a lot more than we see in this movie, but this is as far as his imagination goes.   

And that does resemble Majin Buu in a lot of ways.   Let’s face it, Janemba is clearly a knockoff of Buu.    I don’t think that’s a big shocker from a movie series that gave us such bold ideas as “Evil Goku” and “Frieza’s Brother” and “More Androids.”

But I do think Janemba has a bit more to offer than that, because unlike Buu, we get to witness his origin.    Think about all the souls who went through that spirit cleansing machine.    All of their evil desires were stripped away and concentrated into Janemba.   What was their one common thought, the one sentiment that united them all?  What was the one experience they all shared and would want to avenge?    Here’s a hint:

I submit that Janemba represents the combined loathing of millions of souls towards King Yemma.   But Yemma’s not their enemy; he’s just doing his job.   The universe is designed to have Yemma pass judgement on the dead.    That’s just the way it works.    And once those damned souls pass through the cleanser, they can appreciate that with a newfound clarity.    But the evil residue they left behind?   That stuff is still sore about it.  

And, to a point, I think that spiritual waste can find a kindred spirit in Tank Clerk, since he’s also kind of frustrated with the Way Things Are.   He’d rather goof off and listen to his tunes, but he has to go to work and pay attention to his job.    That’s no one’s fault, that’s just life.   I don’t think Tank Clerk was ever angry about it, but the spirit waste comes from people who were, and when they got mixed together...

... You end up with a monster who’s made it his business to rebel against the natural order of the universe.   He traps King Yemma, but doing so causes dominoes to fall all over creation.    Maybe Janemba understands the consequences of this, or maybe he doesn’t, but he isn’t concerned with consequences.   He’s just lashing out like a child who’s mad that he can’t have his own way.    Well, your own way wrecks things for everyone else, Janemba, as we’ll soon see...

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z 233

Last time, Majin Buu hatched out of his Wonderball, or Kinder Suprise, or whatever kids these days get toys out of.   Cadbury Eggs, I don’t know.    Goku senses Buu’s power and tries to convince Vegeta that they need to stop fighting and deal with this.

But Vegeta just laughs, because his estimate of Buu’s ki indicates that he’s not such a big deal.   Powerful, yes.   The Supreme Kai would have good reason to fear Buu, but Vegeta doesn’t think Buu is on his level.   After all, the Supreme Kai basically runs the whole universe, and you’d think he’d be pretty strong, but time and again it’s been the Kai who’s been amazed by the Super Saiyans.  

Let me pause here to say that I hate when Masayuki Uchiyama does this crap, making Super Saiyans look like they have flat-tops.   I don’t mind his style, but this one particular thing irritates me.   If you can’t draw Vegeta’s hair in the right shape, what are you doing here?  You wouldn’t catch Yukio Ebisawa pulling this crap.

Meanwhile, Babidi introduces himself to Majin Buu, explaining that he’s the child of Bibidi, and therefore his new master.   I notice that the Japanese subtitles never refer to Babidi as Bibidi’s “son”.    Not sure if that means anything, but just throwing that out there.

Anyway, Buu just flat out ignores the dude...

Then he makes faces at him.   Remember, the Supreme Kai said that Bibidi had trouble controlling Majin Buu, and that was why he sealed him away in the first place.  

Dabura’s convinced that Buu is a dud.   If he was ever a big deal, then something must have gone wrong with the revival, because all they ended up with is a useless buffoon.    Buu takes offense at Dabura’s comments, and Dabura is all too happy to throw down.  

First, Buu starts spewing steam out of the holes on his head and arms...

Then he... holy shit!

He didn’t just poke him in the eyes, Three Stooges style.    Buu hit him so hard that he drew blood.   Dabura won’t be opening his eyes for a while, and I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing for the audience.

Then he just kicks the dude into a rock and that’s it for Dabura for a while.   

Babidi is thrilled.    Dabura hasn’t done a whole lot on this show, but he’s been compared to Perfect Cell in terms of power, and Buu defeated him in two hits.  

Wha... what the hell is up with Gohan’s face...?

Anyway, Gohan realizes why Buu is a big deal now.   His ki wasn’t that impressive in the previous episode, but it just skyrocketed in the moments he was fighting Dabura.  

And Goku and Vegeta sensed it too.

And so did Goten and Trunks.    Earlier, they weren’t sure which way to go, since they could detect strong ki signals from the Goku-Vegeta fight and from Babidi’s spaceship, but they didn’t know who was where.   But now, they agree to head in Buu’s direction, since that ki was scarier and therefore more interesting.

Back at the stadium, okay they’ve finally got the fans to go home, and now they’re cleaning up the place.

Backstage, Mr. Satan takes a shower and tries to make sense of what happened back in Episode 229 when Vegeta blew up parts of the arena.   All he knows for sure is that it was no trick, and if those guys from the Cell Games are involved, then something bad must be happening again.

Then a bunch of reporters barge in on him, and he drops his towel, exposing himself to them all.   All the cameramen start clicking away, which is pretty damn creepy.   Why is Mr. Satan still here?   It’s like someone thought this is where he lives or something?    Also, why is the press still trying to talk to him.  He held press conferences before and after the tournament already.   

Meanwhile, Goku is still trying to convince Vegeta to knock it off.   It’s their fault that Buu was reactivated, and it’s up to them to stop him.  If they don’t everyone will die, including Vegeta’s family.  

But Vegeta insists that he doesn’t care.    He can’t care, because this was why he submitted to Babidi’s mind control in the first place.    He wanted to be reduced to a merciless killing machine.   So why doth he protest so much?

And this is my favorite part right here, where Goku catches his fist and angrily tells him he’s lying.   

Then he just decks the mofo in the face.  

Goku can see right through him.    Maybe Babidi is exerting some sort of influence over Vegeta, but he’s already demonstrated his ability to resist it.    He’s only fighting Goku now because that’s what he wants, or what he thinks he wants.    Now that Buu is free, now that Vegeta can sense how dangerous he is, his resolve is beginning to waver. 

Vegeta can’t argue with him, so he doesn’t.    Instead, he smiles and offers to postpone their fight, since Goku is clearly too distracted.

He tells Goku to get out the senzu beans so they can recharge before heading out to face Buu, and Goku’s super happy to have everyone on the same team again.     They’ll win with the power of teamwork!

Yeahhhhh....

No.

Vegeta cold cocks Goku and takes the senzu bean.    There was only one left anway, and he feels that since he was solely responsible for this, it only makes sense for him to be the one to put things right.    And then he’ll come back to settle things with Goku... if he survives.   

Back at the ship, Babidi struggles to keep Buu’s attention.   He finally explains to him that he knows the spell his father once used to seal Buu away, and he threatens to seal him up again unless Buu obeys him.   That seems to convince Buu, at least for the time being.

Meanwhile, Gohan and the Supreme Kai are standing by, weighing their options.    Gohan suggests that they could at least take out Babidi, but the Kai believes that Babidi is their only chance right now, since he’s the only one who can put Buu back in his ball.    Their best bet, the Kai thinks, is to wait for Babidi to realize he can’t control Buu, and then, when he seals him away, that’ll be the best time to strike.  

Although the Kai doubts that either of them will survive that long.   He laments the way things have turned out, and mentions some “other method” that he might have tried if he had known things were going to be like this.    But he doesn’t explain what that is. 

Then Babidi orders Buu to kill them, and Gohan grabs the Kai and makes a break for it.   He figures that he can at least outrun Buu...

But no, he can’t.  

Buu decks Gohan, and that leaves the Supreme Kai to fend for himself.   Uh-oh.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z Movie 11: Bio-Broly

Sigh...

Okay, Bio-Broly.  

The 11th DBZ movie premiered on July 9, 1994, as part of the Toei Anime Fair.    This would have been right after Episode 232 aired, but before Episode 233.   So a fan in 1994 could watch Majin Buu hatch from his magic ball, then go to the theater to see this movie, and then see Buu begin wrecking everyone’s shit.  

This is widely regarded as one of the worst, if not the worst Dragon Ball movie.   In 2015, Team Four Star made a list of the top 24 movies and specials, and Bio-Broly was at #21, beating out various specials, the live-action movies, and its sister film, “Broly: Second Coming.”   The only real surprise was that they ranked Movie 11 above Movie 10, but I think they made a pretty good argument for that.   Movie 10 is pretty darn bad.   I think 11 is worse, but I’ll admit it’s a close call.   

Does anyone actually like this movie?   I don’t just mean “Does anyone think it’s pretty okay?”   To be honest, I’ve been looking forward to watching this one again, and there’s some cute moments and decent action in this one.    It’s a DBZ movie.  There’s a lot of worse things I could be watching instead.   I’ll take “Bio-Broly” over a Harry Potter film festival any day.   When I say Movie 11 sucks, that’s kind of dishonest of me, because it just sucks compared to the rest of Dragon Ball.

No, what I’d like to know is, is this movie anyone’s favorite, or near-favorite?   My assumption has always been that Movie 11 is in everyone’s bottom three.    But you never know.   Team Four Star’s Kaiser Neko loves Movie 2, and hates Movie 6, and that blew my mind when I found that out.   He’s wrong of course.    Meta-Cooler is rad, and Dr. Wheelo is dumb, but it just goes to show that there’s no accounting for taste.   So I’m just throwing the question out there.    There must be someone out there who really digs Bio-Broly.   They’re fascinated with Lord Jaguar, and the purple slime, or they’re just super-into Android 18.   Maybe this was one of the first DBZ things you saw, or you saw it at an early age, and it left a lasting impression.     If you’re out there, drop me a line.    I’d be interested to hear your perspective.   

But for now, I’m here to rip this movie a new one, so if this is your favorite one, be warned.

So, just to make my case, I’d like to skip ahead to the ending of the movie and start there.    Bear with me for a moment.   

On the Grand Kai Planet, Goku’s eating lunch, when he gets word that Broly is running amok in hell, and King Kai wants him and Pikkon to go down there and beat his ass.    

Somehow, Bubbles is the one relaying the message to Goku, and I have no idea how, since he can’t talk.  

Anyway, Goku’s ready to rock.... just as soon as he finishes eating, wokka wokka.    Goku, you rascal!

And that’s how the movie ends.    We’re not going to get to see Goku fight Broly in hell.     I’m pretty sure this epilogue was only included to work Goku into the film, and to establish that Broly will never bother anyone ever again.   

The thing is, wouldn’t you like to see Goku and Pikkon fight Broly in hell?     Wouldn’t you rather see that than what we ended up getting in Movie 11?     Because Movie 11 doesn’t actually feature Goku or Broly.   They’re both dead.   Vegeta and Piccolo aren’t in this movie either.   Gohan isn’t in this movie.

And this is why Movie 11 ticks me off so much.    Maybe it’s objectively better than Movie 10, but at least Movie 10 was up front with you.   It attempted to act as a sequel to Movie 8.    Broly comes back, and it’s up to Gohan, Goten, Trunks, and Videl to deal with him in Goku’s absence.    It’s not very good, but it at least delivers on the promise of a second Broly fight.    Movie 11, on the other hand, is trying to do a Broly movie without Broly.  Worse, the movie seems determined to rub my nose in it. 

I mean, let’s take a look at all the major characters in Movie 8.

Broly

Paragus

Goku

Vegeta

Future Trunks

Gohan

Piccolo

In Movie 10, that list gets whittled down to this

Broly

Gohan

To be sure, I think that’s part of the point of Movie 10.    A lot has changed over the years, and when Broly wakes up, he’s lost in a world that’s moved on.    It’s up to Gohan to finish up his father’s old business.    The problem is that a lot of what made Movie 8 so good lay in those jettisoned characters.    It was Paragus who laid the insidious trap for Vegeta.   It was Future Trunks who went along just to investigate and save his father from his own ego.   It was Goku’s presence that sent Broly into an epic meltdown.   It was Piccolo who bought them time, and got Vegeta to shake off his fear and join the fight.    It was Vegeta who put aside his pride and gave Goku the power he needed to win the day.   When Movie 10 cut all of those characters, they cut out most of what made the first Broly movie work so well.    By himself, Broly was reduced to a dopey monster. 

In Movie 11, the Movie 8 cast was pared down even further.    Here’s a list of all the Movie 8 main characters who were major players in Movie 11.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Yeah, there is no list, because they’re all gone.    Goku makes a cameo in Movies 10 and 11, but that hardly counts.   Krillin appears in all three movies, but only in a supporting role.    Kid Trunks is in all three movies, but he’s a baby in the first one.   In the second one he doesn’t even know who Broly is.   

I’m not pointing this out to knock the main cast of “Bio-Broly”.   My point is just that they tried to do a second and third Broly movie without the character dynamics that made the first one work.   What’s the point of having Android 18 fight a clone of Broly?   She doesn’t even know who that is.    If you’re going to do an 18 movie, have her fight a clone of Dr. Gero, or Cell.   At least then there’d be some impact.  

Okay, let’s get into this.    This movie is essentially a continuation of Episode 226 of the anime, where 18 offered to take a dive so Mr. Satan could win the 25th Tenakichi Budokai.   All he had to do was pay her 20 million zeni, which is twice as much as the grand prize for the tournament.    But Mr. Satan’s rich, so I guess he could afford it, and he agreed to her terms.    In this movie, 18 has dropped by his mansion to collect.     Krillin and Marron are waiting outside with Goten and Trunks.   Apparenly Krillin had promised to treat them to lunch once 18 got her money.   

Meanwhile, this other dude lands on the property in an air-limo, and as soon as he steps out of the car, his pants fall down and he falls in the pool while trying to catch his hat.  This is Menmen, and I really don’t know what the deal is with this guy.   They seemed determined to give him lots of gags and personality, except he really isn’t important enough to the story to justify that effort. 

So while 18 is breaking stuff and demanding her payment, Menmen just waltzes right into the room and issues Satan a formal challenge.    Satan brushes the guy off, until he mentions that Mr. Satan wet the bed in 6th grade.

That’s when Satan realizes that Menmen’s cousin must be his childhood friend, Lord Jaguar.    Well, that’s what he’s called in the dub.     In the original version, he’s called “Baron Jaga Batta”, which is apparently a wordplay involving potatoes.   The Japanese word for “baron” resembles another word for a type of potato, and “jaga batta” means “Buttered Potato”.   He also lives in “Mei Queen Castle”, and this is a reference to May Queen potatoes.    I always thought “Lord Jaguar” was a little too badass a name for the guy, and now I see the truth.    I’ll keep calling him that, though.  

For some reason, the two of them get down on the floor while they talk about this.    The story is that Satan and Jaguar both studied martial arts as children, but when Satan defeated him, Jaguar gave up fighting, and he’s never heard from him since.    Also, at some point Satan must have pissed his futon and Jaguar found out about it, so now he’s blackmailing Mr. Satan.   If he refuses the challenge, Jaguar plans to go to the press and reveal to the world that Mr. Satan is a bedwetter.   Honestly, would anyone even believe that?    Would anyone care?  Well, Mr. Satan doesn’t want to chance it, so he accepts the challenge.    Only he won’t be fighting Jaguar, but a team of Bio-Warriors he’s assembled.   As long as they don’t have glowing golden hair, Satan likes his odds, so he’s down to clown.

But 18 is not.    Well, specifically, she doesn’t seem to care if Satan fights these guys, just so long as she goes with him, to make sure he doesn’t try to run out on her without paying.   I don’t really understand this.    Why should 18 bother with any of this?   She wants the money, and she seems to think Mr. Satan has the money, so why let him leave the house at all?   For that matter, if Jaguar’s in such a hurry, Menmen could probably cut her a check to get her to stand aside.  

So 18 tells Krillin to head home with the kids while she sticks with Satan.     But Goten and Trunks have stowed away in the trunk of Menmen’s car, because... I dunno, I guess whoever wrote this part watched Speed Racer that day.  

Krillin could fly after them and fetch Goten and Trunks, but Marron has to go potty.    He runs inside Satan’s house to find a toilet, but the dialogue indicates that he doesn’t make it in time.    So here’s another reason this movie is the worst: Piss jokes as a running gag.   It’s not that DBZ doesn’t indulge in this sort of humor from time to time, and honestly, I’m down for a good piss gag once in a while.    Hey, we all gotta go sometime.   But this movie is just relentless with it, like it doesn’t know how to do anything else.  

I don’t get why Goten and Trunks are so fascinated with this trip to Jaguar’s place.   I mean, they get a gorgeous view of the ocean this way, but they could have done this by flying under their own power.   Anyway, cool dolphins.   

"Tee hee!   What if this seawater was pee?”  -- The screenwriter, probably.

And here’s May Queen Castle.   A little ostentatious, don’t you think?

When they arrive, we see all these nude, bug-eyed dudes working out in the courtyard.    These are the Bio-warriors, not to be confused with the Bio-Warriors from Movie 2, which were also very stupid.    Jaguar comes out to greet Satan, and he’s astonished to see Jaguar looking so out of shape.    Also, he probably hasn’t grown since they last saw each other, but whatever.

While they talk, Goten and Trunks are snooping around, and they encounter Jaguar’s dog, Hei.   I think Hei is supposed to be some sort of genetically engineered creature like the Bio-Warriors, but he might just have a very stylized design, kind of like Commander Red’s weird-looking cat.  Anyway, Goten calms the dog down because he’s good with animals.   

There’s a cute gag here where the boys overhear Jaguar talking about the biotechnology used to create the Bio-Warriors, and Trunks tells Goten that biotechnology is genetic engineering, which he knows because his mother and grandfather are scientists.   Goten asks what genetic engineering is, and Trunks is stumped, so he just says it’s biotechnology.    Goten is young enough that he is impressed by this answer.  

I don’t know, maybe I should take the time to explain this properly.    I learned about DNA from G.I. Joe cartoons, and I think Jurassic Park was a popular enough movie that everyone’s familiar with the concept, but just in case: Living things are made up of many, many cells, and each cell contains DNA, molecules whose structure represents the “instructions” for building a particular organism.    In theory, if you had a sample of DNA, you could use it to grow an entirely new specimen of the creature it came from, which is called a clone.     Or you could modify the DNA to produce a different creature.   This is what people talk about when they say “GMO’s” with regards to food.    A lot of modern agriculture relies on crops that have been genetically modified to resist disease or to produce more food.   It creeps people out because they’re used to thinking of genetic engineering as mad scientists making horrible monsters, like in this movie.    But the reality is that humans have been genetically modifying organisms for thousands of years.     Breeding dogs and cattle to favor certain trait is just another kind of genetic engineering.    The apples we eat are grown through asexual grafting rather than by planting seeds.   Most of the fruits we know of look completely unlike the wild versions they originated from.  

Anyway, Jaguar leads Satan to a battle stage, and Trunks and Goten like the look of the place, but then they notice someone familiar next to Jaguar...

It’s Maloja from Movie 10.    As you may recall, he was the guy who wore a purple tie around his head and convinced the people of Natade Village to sacrifice their children to appease the mountain god.   

So here’s the thing.    I watched this movie before I saw Movie 10, mainly because I had no idea that this would be a direct sequel.    “Return of Cooler” was the first movie to follow the plot from the one before it, but “Bio-Broly” is the first one to act as the sequel to a sequel.    So when Goten and Trunks reognized this guy and had a flashback about him, I was amazed.   

Anyway, the Bio-Warriors are way too strong for Mr. Satan, so he asks 18 to take care of them in his place.   For some reason, he told Jaguar that she was his star pupil, and she didn’t see any reason to dispute this.   18 agrees to save his bacon, but it’ll cost him another 20 million zeni.  

Jaguar isn’t so keen on that idea, because this is his show, and he wants to organize brackets for this.    I have no idea how that diagram is supposed to work.   Is this some sort of round robin thing?    We’ll be here all week...

But 18 insists on a battle royal, much like the one she fought in during the 25th Budokai.   Jaguar objects, but then Goten and Trunks offer to participate as well, and I guess that satisfies Jaguar, since there’d be an equal number of fighters on each side?   

He asks the Bio-Warriors to make a “village fest”, and 18 corrects him by saying he wants a “bloodfest”.    That’s the gag with Jaguar.    He says the wrong words sometimes, and someone has to correct him.    I have no idea why.

Anywy, Satan’s group wins without Mr. Satan even having to get involved.   Maloja takes this as his cue to leave, but Jaguar insists that he stick around while he plays his “trump card”.   

Satan tells him to bring it on, since he figures no one could be any match for his squad.   

Then Jaguar has the walls of this arena lift up to reveal a vast scientific complex all around them.   This is impressive to see, but I don’t get why it should change anything.   He just uses this to grow Bio-Warriors, and we already saw how those did.   

Then the movie kind of goes off the rails a bit.   Instead of just unleashing his best fighter, Jaguar just kind of sits there while Goten and Trunks take a tour of the facility.     They look at the Bio-Warriors growing in tanks, and talk to the scientists.

Then they spot one specimen with a tail and...

Yeah, it’s Broly.  

Again, this was a shock to me, because I hadn’t seen Movie 10 when I first watched this, so it was weird that Goten and Trunks knew who Broly was, and that they had fought him before.   He’s supposed to be dead, so what’s the deal?

Ah, good another piss joke.  Just what we needed.

While Jaguar’s scientists very slowly release his next fighter, Goten and Trunks confront Maloja, figuring that he must have something to do with Broly.   Maloja explains that when they showed him up in Movie 10, he lost the confidence of the Natade villagers, and he couldn’t find work anywhere else.  

Apparently, Maloja witness the fight in Movie 10, and knew that Broly had been killed.   But then he found the space pod that brought Broly to Earth, and discovered some of his dried blood inside.    He took a sample and sold it to Jaguar, whose scientists used it to create a clone of Broly.   

I find all of this pretty hard to swallow.    The only part that makes sense is that Maloja might have watched Broly die and that he would have become fascinated enough with Broly to discover his pod.  

The rest, not so much.   How did Maloja know about Jaguar?     Did he just stroll up to the front door of May Queen castle with a beaker of blood crust in his hand?    How do the scientists know that their Broly clone is so much stronger than the other Bio-Warriors?  None of these characters know anything about Saiyans or ki.   

Goten and Trunks ask him why he would do all of this, after seeing the terrible power of the original Broly.    Maloja knows what’ll happen when they release the clone, which is why he’s cutting out now.    Okay...

One reason I wanted to watch the movies and TV episodes in order was to get a handle on what the movies were referencing.   Obviously, 18′s business with Mr. Satan is a direct reference to the 25th Budokai, but in addition to that, there is a similiarity between Jaguar’s relationship with Broly and Babidi’s with Majin Buu.    They’re both little creeps who seek to unleash forces they don’t understand, all to settle a petty grudge.    Like Babidi, Jaguar is convinced that he has full control over the situation.   Like Gohan against Buu, Goten and Trunks decide that their best bet is to destroy Broly with a Kamehameha before he can wake up.

Except the clone is already aware of his surroundings, and when he senses Goten and Trunks powering up their attack, he bursts out of his tank in full-on Legendary Super Saiyan form.    All the green glop that was in the tank with him sort of stays put for a second, and then spills away.  

The scientists, led by Dr. Kori and Nain, have a contingency for this, and they raise a containment wall around the broken tank.   The thing is, they seem more worried about the culture fluid than the Super Saiyan who was soaking in it.   

Naturally, Clone-of-Broly breaks out easily, spilling green glop everywhere.   

Then he turns into a glop monster himself.

Annnnnd here’s Bio-Broly, folks.   Drink it in.

Hei runs up and starts barking at Bio-Broly, but before they can fight, Hei gets too close to the culture fluid that’s spilling all over the platform they’re on.    Hei is immediately dissolved and abosrbed into it.   

So here’s the deal with the culture fluid.    Inside the tanks, it’s not a problem.   But when it’s exposed to the air, it turns into a mindless monster like the Blob, consuming other life forms and replicating uncontrollably.   I guess that answers one of the things that’s bugged me for years.   I never understood why this fluid was so dangerous, yet they soak all of their monsters in it.    Apparently it’s only dangerous in the presence of air.   And I guess this is why it didn’t alter Clone-Broly’s appearance until he stepped out of the tank.   

On the other hand, why didn’t it kill the clone completely, the way it killed Hei? 

Lord Jaguar doesn’t seem to care about Bio-Broly’s appearance or the leaking culture fluid.    He just wants Bio-Broly to beat up Mr. Satan.   In turn, Satan asks 18 to handle this, and she agrees, for another 20 million.    I’ve lost track of his tab, but I think he’s up to 60 million zeni.  

But 18 quickly realizes that Bio-Broly is too much for her to handle, and Jaguar sends him to attack Mr. Satan.   

Goten and Trunks rescue him...

...And they charge into battle.   

Of course, there’s still the culture fluid to worry about.   As the three of them fight, they wreck the whole facility, which causes even more purple glop to spill out.    Fortunately, most the casualties are Bio-Warriors, and the dumbass scientists who should have known better.

So in the last movie, the original Broly pretty much kicked the crap out of Goten and Trunks, and the only reason they lasted as long as they did was because Broly was too dumb to finish them off.    This time, the boys don’t have Gohan to help them, but it doesn’t seem to matter much, because they can read Bio-Broly’s moves a lot more easily.    In other words, Bio-Broly is clearly weaker and slower than the original.    By itself, that isn’t such a bad thing.     The bad guy needs to be weaker because he’s fighting weaker opponents: Goten, Trunks, and 18.   So at least this movie took the time and effort to explain why this battle is more even than the ones in Movies 8 and 10.    Maybe it was the cloning process, or the culture fluid, or some other issue, but this clone of Broly isn’t as strong as the original one.  

But that’s still a let-down, because the general pattern with these DBZ films is to raise the stakes, nor lower them.   There’s some counter-examples to this, notably Hirudegarn in Movie 13.   But at least Hirudegarn was a whole other character.     If Janemba had returned from Movie 12, and Goku beat him without using fusion, then he would clearly be weaker than he was in Movie 12.   And what would the point of that be?   Why bring a villain back if he’s going to be weaker than his last appearance?   

As much as I hate how they keep bringing back Frieza, as least they’ve handled him properly.    Mecha-Frieza was much stronger than the original version, and the only reason he died so quickly was because Trunks was that much stronger   When he came back in Movie 15, he got a new form to allow him to keep up with Goku and Vegeta.   A weaker Frieza would be pointless.   You might as well introduce a new character.    But that’s basically what they did with Broly.  He had a strong start, and then he came back weaker in Movie 10, and even weaker in Movie 11.  I mean, it’s not even really Broly this time, but you get the idea.   Toei went out of their way to clone him just so he could return for a third appearance.  

Meanwhile, Jaguar’s island is getting overrun with purple glop.    I don’t know if this is because new glop got spilled during the fight, or if the stuff we started with has had time to grow.    

Maloja supposedly bugged out, but he’s actually been somewhere in Jaguar’s home, filling a sack with cash.    Was this the money Jaguar paid him, or is he just stone cold robbing Jaguar before he leaves?    Either way, the purple glop drips in from the vent and kills him.   

A bunch of scientists try to escape in an elevator, only for it to get stuck and flooded with purple glop.   

Back at the fight, things go haywire for Goten and Trunks because they can only hold off Bio-Broly by working as a team.   When Goten wanders off to rescue people from the culture fluid, Trunks gets his ass kicked.

18 tries to step in and help, but she gets overwhelmed.   Then Krillin shows up and pulls her out of harm’s way just in the nick of time.

Krillin’s the best, but he still can’t save this movie.  

Bio-Broly nearly shoots them with green hand energy...

  But then Mr. Satan falls on Bio-Broly, distracting him long enough for Goten and Trunks to step in.   

Honestly, that’s the problem I have with this fight.    It’s pretty well-produced, with some good action sequences and nice teamwork between all the players, but so much of it is played off as slapstick.    18′s the only serious one here.    Krillin’s kind of a sidekick, and Satan’s comic relief, and Goten and Trunks are as chilidish as they are strong.    On the other side, you’ve got Bio-Broly, who literally has no motivation here at all.    I assume he’s only fighting on instinct.   He was literally born today.

Apparently Jaguar draws the line at murder, so he commands Bio-Broly to stand down.    Only Bio-Broly just attacks him instead.   Was he ever under Jaguar’s control?   Who cares?

Krillin throws a Kienzan disc to save Goten...

But Bio-Broly’s head just reattaches itself after getting cut off.    D’oh!

Things look pretty bad at this point.    Goten and Trunks can’t fight and save people at the same time.    Then Trunks realizes that he might be able to use one crisis to solve the other.   

First, he moons Bio-Broly, because of course he does.

Then he lures him over to a vessel of culture fluid and blasts it open so it’ll spill on to the jerk when he approaches.

It doesn’t spill right away, but then it finally does, and Bio-Broly is covered in purple glop.

Although, I don’t understand why this should work, since Bio-Broly was already exposed to this stuff from the beginning.    Why should it kill him now?

Well, it doesn’t exactly.   A big purple Bio-Broly emerges from the glop like it’s going to attack Goten and Trunks....

But then it sort of collapses, like this was Bio’s last gasp or something.

When Goten recovers, Trunks explains that he beat Broly with his strongest muscle... his brain.    Up yours, Trunks, this is Dragon Ball Z.    Nobody wants to see you outsmart the villain.    Especially when the villain is mindless to start with.

Anyway, there’s still purple crap all over the place.    I guess it must be self-replicating, because I don’t see why they would have had this much of it on hand.

The gang evacuates the survivors.   Krillin carries Nain to safety, and gets her to hold on tight.

18 is not amused.    Hey, who’s watching their kid right now?    Master Roshi?   That’s a terrible idea.

Trunks saves Jaguar and Menman, and Jaguar is amazed that anyone would bother to rescue him, since he’s responsible for the plot of Movie 11.   “Look,” Trunks tells him, “this movie is bad, but it’s not nearly as terrible as ‘Hocus Pocus’ or ‘Seven Pounds.’“  

Everyone crowds onto boats that put as much distance from the island as possible.   Why is there a child here?    Did the scientists have their families on this island?  

But that still doesn’t solve the problem of the culture fluid.   Dr. Kori theorizes that its power increased when it absorbed Bio-Broly, making it even more aggresssive than it was before.   It’ll eventually expand until it covers the entire world.  

Meanwhile, Mr. Satan is trying to swim away from the stuff, and as he kicks up seawater, he splashes it on the glop, which causes it to solidiy.  

Goten notices this and realizes that seawater will deactivate the fluid.   I always thought that was a little too convenient, but now that I know it only becomes dangerous when exposed to air, that makes a little more sense.   Cover it in enough water, and it can’t get the air it needs to sustain it.   

So the boys and Krillin fire off a Kamehameha at the shore, which kicks up a big enough wave to flood the entire island.    You know, I once saw a T-shirt based on this scene at a Hot Topic, if you can believe it.   

I don’t see why they needed to do this at all, though.    The fluid was already confined to an island, so it would have just died off on its own after absorbing all the available biomatter, right?    But I guess it’s better to resolve this sooner than later.   

Then another giant Purple Glop Bio-Broly rises up out of the water.  

And it immediately solidifies.    This is stupid.    They already pulled this gag earlier, so why would anyone believe it now, after they’ve already killed the monster twice over?   

Goten and Trunks blast it to pieces anyway, just to be safe.

And we’ll never see Broly again!   Until 2018.   Thankfully, Broly IV was a much better movie than this turkey.

Below, Mr. Satan pleads for someone to pull him out of the water.    18 offers to help him....for 40 million zeni.    Damn, girl.   18′s the coldest bitch in the land, and she’s adorable.  

Anyway, Mr. Satan swims away, which I can only assume means he can’t afford to pay.   The thing is, I think 18 kind of has to save him.   I mean, if he drowns, she can’t collect any money from him, right? 

From there, we get that scene I already talked about with Goku and Bubbles, and that’s the end of the movie.

The end credits here are notable, because they feature original animation of Goten and Trunks’s early childhoods.    I’ve seen people on the internet ask where these are from, and the answer is here, in th closings credits of this movie.

And yeah, there’s another piss joke.    Great job, Movie 11.

On a personal note, the ending theme “Dragon Power Mugendai“ is what inspired the name of this blog, “Duhragonball”, because the refrain is “DORAGON!   DORAGON POWAA” which sounds a lot like “Duh-ragon”, and I thought that would be cute.  

And that’s it for Movie 11.    Not a complete trainwreck by any means, but still a very poor showing by DBZ standards.   These movies really took a bad turn starting with Bojack, but it’s over now.    In March 1995, Toei would premier a new movie.    One that would be better than ten Super Bowls.  But we’ll get to that...