#anyways i guess i can upload here too but ive been drawing this man so much

[frogintheair]

the vampire that's been living in my head rent free this past week

[dear-yandere]

—ask collection!

a collection of mostly very old chats and sweet asks that i never got around to answering! thanks for the patience and love!! 

beware, fairly long post... woops....

chat asks.

darling: Eu-jin is best boy. Change my mind.

vanya: i am physically incapable of fulfilling that request, how dare you do that to me... i’m biased since he’s my own oc, but i would die for my (very best) boy eu-jin... who can resist such a gentle yandere that loves you so whole-heartedly?

that reminds me! he’s actually based off of kuroyuki and gekkamaru from the otome nightshade, so if you want similar characters by any chance, do check them and the game out ♡

darling: I was watching the dub for Part 5 of JoJo's Bizarre adventure yesterday...Mista called himself Daddy and I like- sdfghjfgsdhnhnmj!! My heart can't take this--

vanya: WAIT HE DID???? i’m not even big on daddy kink and reading that made me go 😳 this is vital information to know... what episode was this??? for research purposes, of course. gotta perfect my yan! mista, after all~...

darling: for yandere songs, have you heard of the major to minor covers by chase holfelder :O? the way he delivers the lyrics in some songs (betty, all i want for christmas), added with the key changes to minor, is really fantastic, and gives a stalker-ish vibe imo! and he's a really good singer in general

vanya: i have!! a good chunk of them are actually on my personal yandere playlist, so i end up hearing them frequently when i’m writing!! i haven’t been keeping up with his uploads recently, so ‘betty’ is completely new to me and just, wow???????????? this man is an absolute god send for us “romantic” horror fans... ♡

this ask gave me such a lovely idea, though, darling: assigning yandere types/mbti based off each of chase’s minor key covers. i think i’ll do that just for you. ♡

darling @blossomiich​: I reread some of your old character interaction asks and saw the one with Jotaro hugging his Darling after a panic attack and the elephant seal plush reminded me of the iconic C H O N K Y ringed seal plushie that was kinda trending and I can totally imagine Jotaro having one of those >w< that's so adorable!

vanya: i honestly don’t remember that interaction, but then again i don’t remember most things hmghng so i looked it up and

j...just imagine star plat hogging it and not letting joot cuddle with it 🥺 the duality of man...thank you for this cute image...

darling: Umm, sorry for asking this. I'm just curious because of your bio language in your header. Are you Chinese too, perhaps?

vanya: no worries!! i’m mixed guyanese (indian, chinese, & possibly black and/or portuguese), but my family only celebrates (or rather, acknowledges?) our indian descent, since the majority of our family is predominantly east indian. 

my header is actually a quote from a danmei novel (and one of my all-time favorite fandoms), tiān guān cì fú (heaven’s official blessing)!

darling genki stan anon: Omg you're writing for free now, i didn't expect that one lol. It's a cute show innit? Not a nagi stan but I feel like nagisa has that kinda unsnapped personality that would make him peak delusional yandere material lolol like oikawa but less threatening and without his head being up his own ass 😂. Hope you're doing well!! -gsa

Gdjsjs im such a fool, i think my last ask said something about not thinking you'd write for free when i literally just pointed out kisumi on your sideblog LMAO my bad 😅 😂 also ill hold back on the gen chan requests because ive already asked so many in the past! Thank you though 🥺. Also feel free not to post this, it can just dip into my onesided chats with my lil flower 💐 so long as you receive them im fine 😌 -genki stan anon

vanya: nagisa isn’t my favorite (kisumi is), but gods if he wouldn’t make a great yandere. honestly, out of the iwatobi boys, nagi is probably the most unhinged. i wouldn’t peg him as delusional, at least not at first; i think he’s very lucid and knows exactly what he wants and how to manipulate people in order to get it!!! kisumi is fairly similar now that i think about it... i might... have a type...

please feel free to send in gen-chan requests whenever you want!!!! i’m kinda super asocial, so it’ll take me a while to answer, but i love getting asks from you since you’re so sweet and excitable!!! your little flower reads and cherishes them all!! 🥺

also darling genki stan anon: Sorry for spamming you with asks hdjkdks, u dont even need to reply im just kinda brain empty venting here whether you recieve them or not 😂 i just needed to confess that while yes i am #1 gen simp, and he is undoubtedly my fave oc of yours but that Ilya tentacle smut had me very much so highkey kinda 👀, had to re read the genki oral style drabble to bring my head back. He dont even need to worry about luca bc that man a thot. I think therin is a thot too but like lowkey, a classy thót -gsa

vanya: omg i’ve kept this one for forever mnmghngh i might’ve even answered at some other point, now that i think about it... but i just 🥺 gosh i hope i find my muse soon, because i really wanna write you a genki fic 🥺 hhhh

the ilya tentacle smut was so in character for that boy... i have no clue how to write monsters, much less tentacles, but i’d honestly do anything for him 🙏 kinky russian boy...

therin is definitely a classy thot, the kind that only bangs the finest concubines then turns around and slut shames you for banging the very same prostitutes gbfmngnfg rules don’t apply to him, in his kingdom...wish that were me tbh ✊😔

sweet asks.

darling one: i've read almost all of your dazai and chuuya fics and i love them so much!! your formatting is also super aesthetic just a question, i saw on your kofi that you also draw so i was wondering if you drew all the header arts?? bc they're all super pretty :) have a great day!

darling two: Just wanted to say love the writing and the way your format your posts is so aesthetically pleasing. One day I hope my posts looks half as good as yours because I legit can't get over how pretty and organized it looks.

vanya: omg thank you so much!!!! one of my bffs, yue, is to thank for the formatting and aesthetic choices, really! if you wanna see more of her aesthetic formats and posts, she actually runs a few blogs! you may know her as @milkscafe​, formally @milkaaton! i adore her and her aes choices so much 🥺

as for the headers, i don’t draw 99.98% of them! i have drawn a couple, but they’re so few and far in between since i almost never finish my art wips haha... my older posts are lacking proper credits because i’m an absolute idiot, but i’m slowly working my way backwards to credit them all where possible! they’re all indeed super pretty!!!

have a great day yourself, my love!!

darling: THEY’RE NOT BAD CONTENT, I LOVE THEM ALL

vanya: this was in response to a now-deleted lil blurb but i kept it in my inbox because i wanted to say i love u very much and seeing this ask each time i open my inbox makes my heart skip a beat ♡

darling: Listen I love your writing, you inspired me to start it myself! I've always loved to write, and read of course but your style and concepts just stick with me. If you where to write something besides Yandere content/fandom content and started your own series? I would read the shit, out of it. I'm always nervous to interact with my favorite writers because you know, I'm afraid of the impression I'd leave but I just wanted to say this anyway! 💞💞💞🔫😳

vanya: wowowow fgfnmgnfmngfg that’s such a high compliment my brain just gmfnbgmnf go boom fogjfngnfg and thank you for the interaction, us writers truly appreciate it no matter how awkward or nervous you think you may be / come off!!!

darling one: As a writer, your post struck a nerve with me. I don’t send feedback to writers I like nearly as much as I should (and certainly not as much as I’d like in return as a writer). So, as such, I’m going to start doing that when I can, starting with you.

You are an incredible writer. You were one of the first yandere writing blogs I found and you’re still one I check in on regularly to see what you have been working on. You can portray a sense of suspense and intrigue in a natural way that many other writers - published ones included - struggle with. You delve into the darkness without it feeling forced, and you have an amazing grasp on the psyches of the characters you write for (which is a quality I adore in writing and strive toward myself).

I’m not great at ending these things so I guess.. you keep doing you? Because the you is great and I appreciate it.

darling two:  hey. i'm here to tell you that from the bottom of my heart i love you and your writings. i really admire your writing skills. you inspire me. one of your posts once saved me from a nervous breakdown. thank you for everything you do. you're a wonderful person. good luck!

darling three: I wanted to tell you that thank you for writing such wonderful beautiful writings and that you take time to edit and write I hope you are taking care of yourself 💖❤

darling four: Thanks. I was having a hard time and deleted all my apps, but as soon as i opened my phone my first instinct was to look at your blog and i got my motivation back. Thanks (:

darling five: Hi ! I just wanted to say I really enjoy the stories you write and how they are detailed so well ! Stay safe and I hope you have a good day/night ! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

vanya: ahhhh, these are very old asks mostly dating back to my “tumblr writing community is dying” post, and i’ve kept them this entire time because i’m just so starstruck. i have no clue how to reply to compliments, so i’m not sure what else to say besides that these asks made me very happy and got me through a few insecure moments!!! i’ve actually been feeling a little down about my writing recently, mostly because of lack of motivation / inspiration, so revisiting these really warmed my heart, so thank you truly ♡ i’m certainly keeping the originals in my inbox until the end of time!!

darling @monstrously-obsessed: psst, this local cryptic mom thing send all of their love for you 💕

vanya: your local herbo says she loves you very much momster 🥺 mwah

also, to the anon worried about my safety:

thank you so much for pointing that out!!! it hadn’t even crossed my mind when i made those ocs, so i appreciate your concern! i was contemplating revamping those two as is, so this is a great place to start! thank you again!!

[modesty-blaise]

Since I'm curious, what caused you to become very possessive of your gifs? Not out of rudeness but curious, since no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr which automatically credits you at the bottom of the gif.

Hey. Tbh, at first I didn’t wanna bother with yet another anon but since I see no ill intent behind this, I decided to go and answer it. Unfortunately, half-way through I realised my reply is turning into incredibly long semi-bitter rant and expands well beyond calling out just one person in Psychonauts fandom (and yes, this is related to Psychonauts fandom – you do know that these anons are not really that anonymous, right?) so… buckle up! All that beneath “read more”.

I’ve been on this hellsite for like…7-8 years? Maybe more? Can’t really tell cause I moved blogs and my old blog now consists of only 4 posts I’ve made close to leaving so I honestly have no idea how much time I’ve spend here before moving. Anyway, during those few years I’ve spent on my first blog I’ve met a lot of creative gifmakers who enjoyed sharing their love for fandoms they were in. I’d like to point out that this was waaaaay before tumblr created that insert-gif option so, back in the day, the only way to add gifs to your post was to: 1. make them yourself 2. take them from someone else. And a lot of people were taking them from someone else which resulted in many gifmakers giving up on making gifs and leaving fandoms and/or even leaving tumblr – and I’ve had many of my friends give up on what they love and have their games/shows/movies/whatnot ruined for them cause people would not stop stealing from them. And many of my friends eventually left tumblr cause they couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Tumblr adding insert-gif option, in my opinion, honestly, just made it worse for gifmakers. Cause now people had the opportunity to use gifs for their posts, with or without creators’ permission/knowledge, but it was alright and it was perfectly fine cause creators were credited. There’s their name at the bottom. It’s alright. Like… it doesn’t matter if they’re actually okay with people using something they’ve put hours into making or if they’re not – tumblr gives them credit so they SHOULD be okay with it. Simple as that.

Well, we’re all different and some people are not okay with that. I’m not okay with that. It took me weeks to figure out how to use photoshop correctly. Took me countless hours of looking through different tutorials and basically trial-and-error-ing my way through the process. Whenever I make gifs, it takes me hours to record videos and then hours trying to achieve that 3mb limit on gifs (thank lord these days we’re beyond 1mb limit). After all that effort I put into creating gifs for games that I love and enjoy, someone is going to make 2 clicks and have that same gif added to their post, without even asking. So how is that okay?

Back to your question. Yes, “no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr”, that is true and that is something I was aware of when I saw you-know-who announcing they would be starting 30 days Psychonauts challenge. So, hating to see my gifs used against my will, and not wanting to start any unnecessary drama and threaten people in advance with reporting them if they do use them, I’ve made my blog as private as I could. It was only accessible through the dashboard, it was not showing in ANY search engines inside and outside tumblr, and my gifs were impossible to find through insert-gif function – I’ve made sure. I did all that cause I just knew that during those 30 days, someone would use my gifs and I would get mad and I desperately wanted to avoid that (hence going extreme). And you know what happened? You know what creator of this challenge (who prevously already reposted my gifs) did? *drums* They used my shit anyway. :3 They just uploaded it from their computer, where they’ve saved it earlier.

And like… a lot of people see pretty pic and decide to save it - I mean, we all do that. Heck, even I have a folder full of shit I saw online and liked it – but i’m not uploading it online cause I haven’t made it. It’s not mine to share.

But some people are not like that.

Some people see fanart of something they like and they want to share their opinion on it – and instead of making their own post, maybe drawing the fanart themselves, they decide to use someone else’s art for their post. Do they know who made it? Do they have creator’s permission to share it? If the answer is NO, then they should be a decent human being and not do that to creators. Oh, they shared it anyway but now people in fandom are calling them out BUT this actually happened on accident? They know who the creator is but, somehow, they accidentally forgot to credit them? OK, well, it’s possible, shit happens, but they better make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Then sometime later these same people decide they want to make a post appreciating their fav character and they want to include pics cause duh, you can’t have character appreciation post without pics, right? Now they have several options: they can get their own screenshots, make their own gifs, maybe draw something… or they can just take someone else’s creation. Do they know who made it? Well there’s my fuckin name on it, and since they’ve stretched it from 245 to 500px, it’s really hard to miss, plus it’s not like there are that many people making Psychonauts gifs. Do they have permission to share it? Hmmm, nope, didn’t ask me. Is this also an accident? Could be. I mean, I’ve seen stranger things happen, so accidentally forgetting to credit content creators twice… kinda suspicious but still possible. Who am I to say?

Now if these people then decide to make a post appreciating their fav ship and they want to add a cute pic of the loving couple – yup, you guessed it! They can either create something or take something. Again: they know who did? They asked for permission? Got the permission? No?!?! But they posted it anyway?!?! :o Could it really be, that after being called out publicly, after being told that reposting is bad (something that’s very easy to understand), after even having tumblr staff intervene and remove stolen shit from their blog, after all that - could it really still be an accident?

Nah, man.

They just don’t give a shit.

Cause if they did, they’d stop with that crap first time they were called out.

(and if you think Psychonauts fandom is their only fandom and that they’re not doing this crap in other fandoms too - hoooo, boy, do I have some bad news for you! Do you know how many stolen and butchered HP fanart is on their blog? Hobbit stuff? They seem to be one of the most accident-prone users on tumblr. And honestly - it’s a real miracle their blog’s not been terminated.)

Back to what I was talking about - I’m not okay with people using my gifs and I’ve made it very clear. I literally do not give a shit if I’m credited or not, I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want my gifs used without my permission. If you like them and want them on your blog, there’s a fuckin reblog button. It’s sole purpose is to allow you to share other people’s creations. Or shitposts, cause lord knows we all love those.

So that’s why when someone spends hours going through my Psychonauts tag and goes as far as to send me “I love your gifs” anonymous message, but the very next day makes stim moodboard post including one of my gifs, now cut and resized to fit 3x3 format they’re going with, I get mad. And that’s why when someone uses one of my gifs to promote their RP blog, butchering it to fit their aesthetics, and later when confronted going as far as blaming their good friend on it cause god! they’ve had no idea it wasn’t theirs, I get mad. (makes you wonder though: if they friend has such skills, why not making them gifs themselves?)

Like…. I’ve had my gifs stolen plenty of times. I’ve had them stolen for roleplaying, for headers, for imagines, just for notes… I’ve had them stolen by people claiming to run official fan sites (that’s a real wild story but I won’t get into that now)… I’ve seen them on pinterest, weheartit, FB, all those random gif sites… and I’ve seen EVERY. POSSIBLE. EXCUSE. ranging from: “well i found it on google so why should i credit you” “lol dunno who made this but its pretty so im posting it” “ive had it on my computer for years so i don’t remember where i got it from” “i dont know how to make gifs so im using weheartit as a source” “credit to whoever made this” (that’s my fav) to “its just a gif so who gives a shit” (it’s not – it’s hours of creator’s time and lots of love that you’re now shitting on so thanks) and “i have an /illness/ and getting notes makes me feel better so dont u dare blame me for stealing” (I don’t remember exact excuse but it was something along those lines and like… how do you even respond to something that without looking like an asshole?).

And sometimes it really is just an accident. Sometimes people really do forget to credit you and/or ask you for permission. And I’ve had my fair share of those accidents. People in Psychonauts fandom have been using my gifs for various crap but, when approached, they’ve removed it and apologised. And it’s something I really appreciate. (if they actually bother reading this and they recognise themselves: i’m really grateful and thank you for not being an ass)

But you know what I don’t appreciate? People making a call out posts about me, asking about my gifs when they know very well they’re the main reasons why I’m not making those gifs anymore, at the same time failing to address any of the issues I have with them and instead rather explaining to others what happened BUT explaining only the parts that make me look like a villain cause how I even dare be mad about them stealing? How I even dare call them out on it? That is so ridiculous and criminal of me, and it’s so so sooooo bad that they need to call me out. I deserve to be called out by the very same person who’s been stealing my shit.

And their explanation is…well… it’s something.

They were sympathetic and polite? When did this happen? Did I completely missed that part? Please someone fuckin enlighten me with such post/message where they expressed their sympathy and politeness and I’ll apologise right this second.

I told them to “literally fuck off”? Yeah, that did happen, I admit that. Did they bother explaining why I told them to fuck off in the first place? Did they say they were caught stealing from me and had tumblr stuff remove my shit from their blog? Did they get into details of how they demanded the proof of my so very wild and obviously false claims but then when I showed it, they just deleted that “how dare u call me out cause I would never do such thing” post? No, they didn’t and geee, I really wonder why.

Instead, what did they choose to address? Out of all the things I’ve said. Hm? What did they choose? Me telling them to fuck off. Me dropping the F-bomb on them, rudely rejecting their obvious kindness and politeness. Nothing else.

Back to what I was talking about before I got derailed again: no, I’m not mad cause this person used my gifs without crediting me. I mean – I am, but that’s not my main issue with them (and they know it). My main issue is that this is someone who will continuously lie and steal and still deny any of it, even when there’s plenty of proof (and you can always count on me to show up with proof tbh), and then go as far as to publicly ask about my gifs and try to call me out. Like me getting mad that something I’ve put hours of work into, and something I’ve made cause I love the game and I want to share my love and appreciation for it, is now being shared against my will and my knowledge - like me getting mad over something like that is so unreasonable that they need to make an entire post about it while pretending they have absolutely no idea why I’m even mad and why we have issues.

And I have every fucking right to be mad. 3 times is not an accident. 2 times to the same person is not an accident. They know it. But yeah, playing stupid is their defense so it’s not like I expected them to actually address their actions this time either.

And you know what? Just because I swear a lot doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean there’s no solid ground for my claims. People on tumblr have always been and always will be stealing shit. Sometimes they will credit you, often they will not, and that’s just how it is, doesn’t matter if you’re okay with it or not. But that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna sit quiet and accept someone’s shitty behaviour. Especially when it’s directed at me.

TLDR: giving credit =/= having permission

but my previous posts leading to this ask were not about that

you knew that already

[asseret-sarim]

The past, the present... the future.  - Part 6

Summary: In SHIELD you are known for your charisma and your irrational optimism. Specially taking in count the irreversible curse HYDRA condemned you with. Because of that, Director Fury has determinate that you are the best person to take care of Bucky’s mental state.

Chapter 6: Aleksei

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Y/N: Your name

Warnings: PTSD, eating disorders, torture.

Word count: Ehhh...

A/N: Ok, Ok, I know. I’ve taken ages to upload this. I’m so sorry!!! I had a huge writer’s block, but now I’m over it. This part is a little (too) dramatic... I got carried away. Sorry, I know, I’m a monster. I promise fluff when the series end! Enjoy reading!

Previously: Part 1 - Part 5

Previously:

“I… realized something. I guess I always knew it, but I had never seen it in such a real… reality. I’ve seen… the twisted, dark, painful story HYDRA turned, not just my life, but many others, into. You could say… I’ve meet Bucky Barnes for the first time. I… Only knew The Soldier, the shadow of a monster. But… It wasn’t the shadow of Bucky, it was the shadow of HYDRA. I feared the man, when I should fear the organization. Its true, in a way, he will always be him to me, he will always be The Soldier. I will always associate my time at HYDRA with him, I will always associate him with the terrible things The Soldier did to me. But every single time, I will have to remind myself that it wasn’t him, and them I’ll keep going. Because its true. He will be the monster that haunts my nightmares, but he doesn't need to know that, because he never chose to be in that position. This is something I have to protect him about: the nightmare he was forced into.”

Daisy nods and stays quiet, looking at the park. After some time, she turns to me. “So what do we do now?”

Now, we fight.

Y/N’s POV:

I look at Daisy’s sleeping form from the sofa. It has taken me a while to convince her to take the bed, but she finally gave in, out of exhaustion.

When we came back from our walk, Coulson had called to ask why exactly was the missing mission jet in the compound. I don’t know how that went, because Tony and Daisy took care of it, but my friend got permission to stay here for the night before leaving first thing in the morning.

While they were talking, Natasha informed me of the current situation. As always, she had my back and had told the team (including Bucky) that I had gone to the training room to cool off after a fight with her and that, given that I was on edge, Barnes had scared me and that had been the straw that broke the camel’s back. It didn’t sound realistic to me, but Nat can be really convincing if she wants to. In any case, they didn't ask questions. Nearly.

When we finished supper, Tony called me aside to his lab with the excuse of wanting to run through my results with me to make sure everything was correct. When we got there, he locked the lab door and started running through some files in his computer, but it was really obvious that he had no intention of asking me anything related to my results.

“What do you want, Tony?” I leaned against one of the tables.

He switched off the computer and turned around his chair. “What happened with Barnes this morning, Y/N?”

“I had a fight with Nat and…”

“I’m not stupid. The rest of the team may be, but I’m not, OK? I want to know what happened.” He stood up, put his hands on my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes. “I want to know. Did he hurt you?”

“He didn’t.”

“But something happened.” I just looked at him, so he took a deep breath before speaking again “Look, Y/N. I… I’m sorry for everything that happened to you. I feel terrible, because I know that you are stuck in a world that has destroyed you and you can’t get out. You can’t go anywhere else than with us, the big guys that shoot each other. That’s not the place for a sixteen year old. It wasn’t forty eight years ago and it still isn't now. Some of us can just destroy a few suits, retire, take yoga lessons or fake our death if we ever decided we were sick of this life. But you can’t. You were chained to this time bomb against your will and there’s no key to your lock. I just want to help you live with it as good as you possibly can, and I want to know if Barnes did something to you so that I can take measures.”

A shiver brushes my spine and tears touch my lids. Its been a long time but still I can’t believe it when people seem to care about me so much. I’ve never been worth it, I can’t understand it. I’m just a stupid little girl that was never able to make it out on her own. People shouldn't care so much about me. I’m no one.

“Y/N…”

I realized I just said that out loud a second too late.

“You are not no one. You are not stupid. And never, absolutely never think you are weak. The three years you spend with HYDRA would have broken anyone, they broke you. But you got up again. And I don't even know how you did it, I know I wouldn't have been able…” He suddenly stopped, his look hardening and his grip on my shoulders tightening until his knuckles turned white. I would have protested if I wasn't so surprised by his behavior. He was mumbling to himself what he just told me ‘Forty eight years’ and ‘HYDRA’. When he looked up, he was horrified “Y/N… Please tell me… You didn’t… You didn't meet Barnes in HYDRA, did you?”

I didn’t even consider lying, the look on my face probably gave me away anyways.

I had managed to convince Tony not to kill Bucky in the spot. Which was lucky, because Steve had convinced him of joining the team for the rest of the evening. Clint, Nat, Daisy and Tony went out of their way to make sure Barnes didn't do anything that would freak me out, but it wouldn't have been necessary. I discovered that when there were other people around, my fear seemed to reduce considerably. It probably was because most of the time I spend with The Soldier was alone with him, because his superiors and the scientists didn't like to see him in “action”. Therefore, he hardly ever hurt me when there was people around. Having all my friends with me gave me the confidence I was lacking and I finally got to meet Bucky Barnes.

“You should have seen him!” Smiled Steve after he managed to finish his story, laughing all over his beer bottle. Why he drank it, given that he could’t even get tipsy, was a mystery to me.

“What can I say? You were a punk.” answered Bucky. At the beginning he had looked disconnected  but as the evening went on he finally got more integrated to the team. I knew I should help, after all, thats why I was there, but I didn't see how. Barnes looked happy, but it wasn’t genuine. In his favor I have to say he was an amazing actor and only someone with as much training as I had would have noticed the subtle signs his body language gave off. How he sat on the edge of the chair, as if ready to run away. How he flinched every time someone got close to him. How he refused to eat or drink anything, much less alcohol, even though half of the team was drinking beer and the other half something a bit stronger. How he kept scanning the room, looking for non-existing threats. Once again, a wave of empathy washed through me. I was like that at the beginning, when I had just gotten away from their claws… and still was sometimes. It’s just not something you can leave behind, because it finds a place inside you and digs a hole and hides there. And now it's part of yourself, like it or not, taking it out would be much more painful that withstanding it every day. And so, it keeps digging deeper and deeper, and every single day its more painful to take it out.

Physically, Bucky didn’t look great either. Back in HYDRA, he was feed just enough to survive, all the other nutrients he needed were supplied intravenously. Now, he kept eating just as much as he ate at HYDRA, but lacking the IV supply, and that was taking it’s toll in his body.

“Who wants cookies?” I asked, looking around the room.

“We just ate.” Nat rolled her eyes.

“So what? I want some!” Daisy got up. “Who’s cooking?”

Vision stood up “I will take ca-”

“Y/N, didn’t you tell me you made amazing cookies?” Sam looked at me imploringly.

Of course I… didn’t. Daisy did, though. And she was nice enough to help me. In ten minutes, the cookies were in the oven and everyone (correction: nearly everyone) was impatient. The one person that actually had to eat, looked as if he was planning on disappearing. Oh, no. I hadn’t cooked for nothing.

“So, Bucky. Tell us a bit about your thoughts. What do you think of this new era?” I could feel Clint’s worried look and Daisy’s puzzled stare piercing through me. I did actually surprised myself, not only for having addressed him directly, but for having been able to come up with a topic that most likely wouldn’t trigger bad memories.

He looked up surprised, but smiled. “Well, internet is definitely useful. Science and medicine have advanced so much… And so have human rights. So that’s great! Ehhh… I don't know…”

“Of course you don’t know. You can’t say you've tried the best from the XXI century if you haven't tried my cookies” Said Daisy, who was already taking them out of the oven.

“I’m gonna turn that one down. Not really hungry.”

Yeah… About that. No one says Daisy “no”. Half an hour later we had managed to get him to eat, not only cookies, but also a few slices of pizza. Success!

A while after midnight we finally called it a day (or night?) and went to bed. After Daisy fell in the arms of Morpheus, I decided to read one of my journals. I started writing journals when I escaped HYDRA, as a therapy you could say, and got into the habit of keeping one journal for every place I lived in. I still read them from time to time.

The one that is resting on my lap right now is white, wore out by time and use, and has a beautiful drawing of a flamenco dancer on the cover. I moved to Spain a few years after escaping HYDRA and in my second day I saw this notebook in a bookshop and I fell in love. I lived all around the country for five years, which was stretching the time I should have been there way too much, before I was trapped and forced to flee to Sweden.

I look at the page I’m on again, explaining my experiences with Spanish food (man, those people sure like strong flavors) and a sudden stab of nostalgia crosses my stomach. I lean over myself, breathing heavily. I’ve never been a nostalgic person, and this feeling is a complete surprise to me. I close the journal, determinate to try and sleep, but the sound of footsteps interrupts me. They are coming from one floor above, and they sound too heavy to belong to someone who is thinking with clarity. Whoever it is, they may hurt themselves if they walk around like this, so I put a sweatshirt on and head to the noise. I’ve dealt with sleepwalkers before.

The footsteps take me to the top common room. By the noise they make, I work out that they are Steve’s. When I’m about to turn the corner, an unexpected noise stops me. It’s  a sob. A contained, frustrated, pained sob, the kind you don’t wan’t people to see. I’m about to turn around and go back to my room, but my damn curiosity doesn’t agree. What can the mighty Captain America be crying about? Before I know it, I’ve entered the common room.

Bad idea.

As soon as I step in, I realize my mistake. Because its not Steve who I have in front. It’s The Soldier. The more rational and smart part of my brain tells me to run and pretend I haven’t seen anything. But there’s a small, unhappy part that just doesn’t see how that is moral. I can’t just leave him here, especially not after the speech I had given Daisy just eight hours ago.

“Hey…” I start towards the sofa.

He looks at me, his expression wild. I take an involuntary step back and need to use all my willpower to continue walking forward. He looks at me carefully until I seat on the other end of the sofa.

Let’s do this.

Bucky’s POV:

I feel her when she seats next to me. I feel her when she reaches over to touch my shoulder, even though she backs away at the last second. I feel her as she looks at me in silence. I feel her. Even though I’ve buried my head on my hands again as soon as she has proven to be no threat.

Silence floats around us, but it doesn’t feel bad. Sharing silence it’s a strange experience, it’s so intimate, vulnerable… but it never lasts much. Sooner or later, something shatters it into a million irreparable pieces. But this one… This one feels right, and I want to hold on to it for a little bit more. And a little bit more. And a little bit more.

“Nightmares?” she asks softly after the silences has lost its proprieties.

“Horrible ones” I murmur. The image the man smiling down at me with a blood-driven expression, brass knuckles in his hands, is still imprinted on my eyelids.

The girl nods and hands me something over. I don’t know when she has done it, because I haven’t looked up, but there’s a steaming infusion in my hands right now. “Clint’s secret recipe. Calming” I drink and the heat travels down my chest. I don’t know why exactly why this is so comforting, but it feels good. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No”

“Okay” she says looking out the window. I notice she’s shivering and hand her a blanket. “Thanks”

I nod and leave the mug in the table. The infusion has help me calm, but there’s still something in my stomach I can’t really identify. It’s moving, making me sick with words and, before I realize it, I vomit them all. All my nightmares. There’s something strange, familiar, floating around this girl, something I can’t identify, but I can’t control either. It’s like something around her is making me speak, but not forcing me. Why am I doing this?

“I dreamed… Of HYDRA. I can’t believe they haven’t… left my head yet. Its… Today I dreamed of a man called Aleksei. It was at the beginning, when HYDRA still hid inside the shade of the KGB. Brainwashing then was… more difficult. I still had strength to fight them back. So they decided the best way to proceed was to make sure I couldn’t fight back. That I was so damn tired and… broken, that I couldn’t even think about it anymore. This man… Aleksei. He was famous in the KGB. He was their men to torture hostages for information or… for more personal causes. He was a sadistic, but with some sort of strange pull to refinement. It’s… difficult to explain. But he was great at his job, and they decided he was the perfect person to get me “ready” for brainwashing. The routine… guess you could call it like that, was simple. At that time, I wasn’t in cryo, because they needed me for various jobs in there… They would call me and take me to a cell in one of the lowest subterranean floors. So no one could hear the screams, I figured.

The HYDRA agents pushed me against the wall and took a par of chains hanging from the ceiling. One of them looked at me, coming uncomfortably close “Take your shirt off” he said. It was a direct order, I couldn't go against it. Aleksei liked to work over exposed skin. I striped my shirt and they chained my wrists, so my arms were raised above my head and my body was nearly hanging from them. They looked at me one last time, while I was hanging there, exposed. One of them walked slowly towards me, smiling lustfully, bloodthirsty in his eyes. He leaned closer and then, with no words, punched me in the stomach. I grunted, but knew the look on this man’s eyes was nothing compared to what was coming. The agents finally exited and I was left there, waiting. Aleksei always took his time, sometimes hours had passed until he finally appeared. I think it was part of his technique… It was mind-destroying knowing what was coming but never actually started. I was just there, hanging vulnerably, surrounded by cold and silence, waiting.

He finally appeared. He closed the door carefully behind him, slowly… He then went to a table set on one side and took his leather gloves off slowly. He turned on the water of the sink and the sound filled the space, left it run for a while before washing his hands, and when he was done, he dried them on a towel. Finally, he looked at me, and there it was. I have never seen so much lust and bloodthirsty fill a man’s eyes as I saw when he looked at me, examining his ideas, deciding which one would work better, and which one he felt like doing. Finally, he walked towards the table and opened it with a key. The cover raised to reveal a secret drawer full of instruments, a lot for which I had no name for. He ran his fingers through the blades of the knifes, to finally choose a silver one. He softly pressed the edge to his finger and with that minimum contact, there was already a cut on his skin.

“I heard what you did last week.” He whispered, coming closer. “Do you think that’s nice, Soldier? Hitting poor helpless girls?”

Last week I was assigned the training of the integrants of the Black Widow program. I was ordered to fight them without holding back. I did hold back, and my handler got furious. I knew there was going to be a punishment, I just didn’t expect it to be so bad.

“But you hurt Natasha. Why did you hurt Natasha?” He asked. Natasha Romanoff was Aleksei’s favorite. He shook his head, but I didn’t open my mouth. That would just make everything worse. “And you also disobeyed orders, I’ve been told. So that’s double punishment” He had been turning around me and now laid the knife on my lower back. The contact between my skin and the cold blade immediately started to sting. He kept the knife on the same place, but slowly pushed it deeper and deeper into the open wound, making it burn worse and worse. He did the same on the other side before cleaning the blade. “I’m not happy with you, soldier” He said, while I grunted in pain. “We are doing a quick warm up, and then get started. Once we get started, don’t expect good treatment” He pressed the knife to my front left hip. This time, the knife dug in deep, reaching the bone, and he leaned against it, coming very close to me, and looked into my eyes, establishing dominance. He finally took the knife out of the wound and I growled loudly, in pain. “Don’t tell me you’re already in pain. We haven’t even gotten really started” he laughed, heading towards the table and taking some brass knuckles that reflected light. “But if you’re feeling that way, let’s get over with warm up soon, shall we?”

He walked towards me at rate that was the opposite of quickly. He took his time to adjust the brass knuckles. He then hit the back of my knees and I fell to my knees, hanging from my wrists. He got into a fight position. This was going to be bad. Aleksei was specially bloodthirsty today, and he had an excuse to inflict extra pain, no one would tell him off about it. He knew that. He damn well knew that, and he was taking his chance. The cold, hard metal collided against my chest, sending a wave of pain through me, and it didn’t stop for what felt like eternity.

When he considered the punching was over, there wasn’t a single part of my body he hadn’t hit. He had even gone below the hip, something unusual in him, I was doubled over as much as I could to relive pain, which wasn’t much given the position I was hanging on. Aleksei threw the bass knuckles over the table and smiled.

He carried on: he dug a razor blade into the twisted skin of my flesh shoulder and started pushing it down. I screamed as the blade enter the tender skin on my armpit, that had never been cut until now. He shushed me. “Stop screaming, this is nothing yet. I’m going to have to muzzle you if you keep making noises.” Blood dripped and flowed down my side, mixing with dirt. He cleaned the blade and looked at me. “Oh, look! The bruises are already forming” he said, laying a hand and pressing down on a particularly big and painful bruise on my abdomen. I grunted and he didn’t look happy “Here we go again. Don’t say I didn't warn you” He cut a piece of duct tape and sealed my lips with it. Then he came back with a dark liquid. Vinegar. I could feel it burning even before the wet fabric touched my cuts. He enjoyed the burning pain this particular procedure caused. When I felt like my back, hip and side were on fire, he finally decided to stop. His hand gripped my jaw and forced me to look at him. “Don’t you dare pass out, or I’ll make sure you come back soon enough. And you’ll regret it” I believed him. “Its so nice when you have your mouth sealed. Its much more fun to do this. But I want to hear your screams for what you did to Natasha.” He showed me a whip, enjoying the desperation in my eyes before ripping the duct tape off…

I hear a contain sob that breaks my trance. My breathing is heavy and I can feel the intensity my face showcases after the flashback. Next to me Y/N won’t meet my eyes, rubbing a hand over her face. I feel guilty, she had no reason to hear that, she did not deserve to be haunted by my experiences. But then she does something surprising and squeezes next to me, pulling the blanket around us both.

“I think it worked.” she whispers, her voice still shaky, and I realize that I’m feeling much lighter now that I don’t have to bear that weight alone. “You should sleep now” I rest my head on her shoulder and the light feeling drags me into dream land while she gently runs a hand through my hair.

Before I completely drift off, I hear her mumbling something “So Aleksei had another victim.” but I’m too far off now to understand anything.

Part 7

Thank you to @beccaanne814-blog @annadier  @lilasiannerd  @obsessivegeekynerd @drinkfantasy @graysonmalfoy  @scoobertdoobert2  @violentlyfarts  @queenllamamama13  @agentraven007 @brutalwerewolf  @isaxhorror @katundeadd  @chrixa @i-am-mina  @musichowler @panic-at-the-camisado @chipilerendi  @thesalsafic @jennymagicalheart  @amrita31199  @crazyliraz  @psm2303  @s-eabasstian  @5secondsofonedirection222  @38leticia @acidentally-in-hell @namastay-in-bed-2002  @paulaamarieee  @ipaintmelodies and all the amazing people who are with me in this adventure!!