#anyways the only reason why im sharing it is because there really isnt a pattern

[tiktaaliker]

i have this thing where sometimes i see a smooth surface (cgi is specifically bad for this) and some part of my brain goes. hey wouldnt it be fucked up if that was Flawlessly and Perfectly Smooth. and i go yeah that would be fucked up and proceed to have an anxiety attack over the concept of a really really really flat rock face or some shit like that

[aquagustd]

🐇 anon here!

my guess is that tae, yoongi, jk, and jimin all had something go down. maybe some sort of possessiveness, some tension or like a heated argument... i can imagine yoongi probably getting in the way and accidentally getting shot. not sure by who but if it was tae then theres no doubt jungkook would be the first to throw the blame on him 💀 im just making shit up lmao but i can see them having a pissing contest for oc, since it is a love triangle. maybe jungkook is trynna butter our girl up for some hidden reason, get those old emotions to resurface so that she can be what he needs. i think the whole sora argument was a hint. sora probably is not a good fit for jk as much as he tried to put her in those shoes. im just sensing more of a partnership rather than a full on romantic relationship like our beloved fast forward couple. <3 "hardly paradise" lmfao jk. idk i want to believe that jungkook is an itachi character where he is okay with being the bad guy because he really does care he just isnt the one to show it genuinely anymore. he prefers to flaunt it and manipulate people as some sort of protective ego thing. i do believe he has that edge to his character, and that no one is fully evil. jungkook is just the person who we have seen do the most (not justifying, just pointing it out). taehyung def should come clean soon about his life and intentions if he intends on being a second father figure 🥴 i notice how many times conversations arent finished and there are many interruptions written in the dialogue. both tae and jk love to switch subjects. also yoongi got kinda short with miss oc dafuk 🙂 i think hes frustrated because he knows more than he lets on. it def makes me follow the bread crumb trail and i feel like a detective at this point haha. im just trying to piece together what im seeing. if we are seeing patterns and commonalities between everyone its like watching the past come back to light, but everyone switched roles. anyways im rambling but i cant wait to see more of jk and his schemes along with taes truth being revealed. i think they are more alike than they are different and thats why oc may have a hard time in the future. sooo many parallels. junho is our little angel who sees the good in everyone i fear. hoping the best for all of the characters! thanks again for sharing ur gift with us yus. 🥰

yes !! you were right 🫣 sorry i’m only getting to this after i posted part 6 🥲 but yeah you’re making some valid points. jk is probably only trying to butter oc up so he can get her to do what he wants. as for sora…she won’t leave that easily.

yoongi knows too much 🥲 his justification is that he’s trying to protect oc.

exactly. both jk & tae deflect from the subject and then expect oc to forget about it ✋🏻 i think they’re both kinda similar — but not completely. ig where one lacks the other is better. tysm for reading bb <3 i look forward to hearing from you with future parts !! 🤍

[tigerdrop]

Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Zukka Soulmate AU part 9

@mypureessence

@chaoticidiott

@ari-shipping-stuff

@knightedbot

@idkhowbutimgayer

@swampy-beans

@angrylittleintrovert

Kurt was only out for about 15 minutes but that was long enough for Tarren and Fin to get him to the back on one of the spare cots. The gaang besides Iroh and Jee stayed to see how things went down, all gathered in the room reading maps and planning their trip while Lily paced back and forth muttering to herself before she threw her hands in the air

"Why wouldnt he tell us!?" She shouted

"I dont know Lily" Tarren said while he dabbed a cold towel on Kurt's forhead

"I mean, he could see the scars the three of us share! Why... why wouldnt he say anything!?"

"I'm sure he had a good reason Lily, I mean, how did you guys even know you had a third soulmate?" Katara asked with a small tilt to her head.

The duo both placed their hands to their chests instinctively. "Well, we didn't always know, but one day we both collapsed in the middle of a shift,"

[Flashback when? Flashback now!]

"Of course Miss Jin, Grey with honey and two sugars at 3 pm sharp just like every other Friday" Lily smiled while handing the girl her cup of tea she made for her at the exact same time every single friday evening. Jin was a favorite.

"How are you and Tarren?" Jin asked with a smile which made Lily blush

"Hah. We're doing alr-" suddenly Lily lost her breath from a blunt pain in her chest. "Tarren" she wheeled out just before letting out a yelp and clutching her chest "Tarren!"

"Lily!" Tarren's voice called out from the other sid of the Library followed by the sound of scrolls falling to the ground

The two scrambled to eachother with Jin following Lily and Fin rushing out from the back with paperwork to see what was happening. The pair crashed into eachother and held onto the others arms "what happened?" Lily cried out "whats going on. It burns, oh Gods it burns Tarren"

"I- I dont know" Tarren when to unclip his uniform, shucking off the top shirt before ripping the underdress to reveal painful bubbling skin in the shape of a hand and spreading across his chest and up to his neck down past where he managed to rip down to.

"There's a third" Jin said with a gasp

"Whoever they are theyre in trouble" Fin said bluntly while turning to Jin "Jin do you mind running to get the medic? I have to stay with them and they can't move" he gestured to their shivering crying forms.

"Are they dying?" Lily managed to wheeze out between sobs of pain

"No, this isnt direct, its just an- oh right" he nearly forgot that Lily watched her parents killed in a similar way "Lily, trust me, the third in the trio is not dying, they're being hurt, but they aren't dying"

Lily nodded, the pain lasted for a good 20 minutes before slowly dying down and feeling like it was being treated on all ends.

[Flashback over]

Katara gave a small frown "I wonder what happened to him"

"Ill tell you if you help me sit up" Kurt said with a small cough. Sokka who had been sitting near him but was lost in a map with Zuko looked up

"Oh, the munchkin awakens!"

"The... what?" Kurt laughed out

"Ignore him, he's stupid sometimes" Katara said as she helped Kurt sit up and put a pillow behind his back. "How did you get burned if you dont mind me asking?

Kurt gave a sigh and looked to Sokka and Zuko "well, honestly its probably a similar story to mr princey over there"

Zuko tensed "how do you know who I am... and you don't know how I got this"

"I do" Aang said with his hand raised "well, kinda, I think it was your da- mphf!" Zuko shut Aang up with his hands on his mouth

"Shut up, now is not about me or how I got my scar, its about short stack over there"

"Shortstack!? Okay, now that was just rude. But I got this burn from my dad, he wasn't great and had no position to even justify his abuse against me and my mom." He brought his hand to his necklace with a small frown

"He caught me hanging out by a small pond with an earth boy named Haru and was convinced I was a traitor for doing so. He lectured be when he got me home by slamming me against the door and burning me"

he looked up to Tarren and Lily "I didn't tell you, and I always hid my scar because I'm scared hes going to find me again, after he left for the war my mom fell ill and died, so I ran away to my Pappy and he's sick right now so I don't know how long I have with his protection." He gave a sigh "I dont want him to find me and know that you two are my soulmates because he'll hurt you to get to me. And I cant let you get hurt..."

Lily put her hand on her chest with a frown "I'm sorry Kurt, I had no idea. But now that we know I hope you understand we won't let anyone hurt you or us."

"And that includes me" Fin said from the doorway "you've got two master earthbenders and a vigilante assassin on your side now"

"Woah, woah, vigilante assassin?" Toph piped up "Lily is an assassin!? That's so cool!" She marched right up to her and jabbed her finger in her direction "I dont know you too much but I do know that I like you!"

Lily flushed a bright red and rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly "hah, thanks? Wait are you a beifong?"

"Sure am!"

"I didnt know the beifongs had a daughter, let alone a daughter teaching the avatar earthbending" Lily said with a smile

"Yeah, well they didn't think I was strong enough because I cant read" Toph gave a shrug

"I could teach you sometime" Lily offered

"Im blind missy" Toph said with a cackle

"I know" Lily giggled "We have Braille books, I can teach you to read braille if you want to"

"Braille?"

"Instead of ink on the pages there are raised dots in patterns to make the letters, numbers and words, Fin and his wife managed to invent it ten years ago because Fin's best friend is blind and he wanted to send him letters, but it isn't too popular yet sadly"

Toph stood there for a moment before saying anything "wait... are you telling me there's a way I can read?"

"Yeah! Its more commonly on paper but Tarren and Fin use earthbending to write it out much faster on stone tablets, its much less wasteful. But for nonbenders like myself thats not really an option, so I write with the paper and the pressing tools."

Sokka piped into the conversation with a quick jump to his feet "can you teach me too? I want to know how to write in a way that she can read" he had a determined look on his face and sound in his voice that caught everyone off guard

"I... didnt realize you cared?" Katara said with a confused look

"Of course I care Katara! I probably care too much sometimes, I care about every single one of you," he looked around "did... did you really think I didnt care?"

Aang looked at Katara and then at Sokka "she probably only thought that because you show care differently than her, I know you care, I mean you've managed to keep us all together and solve our problems, youre a uh... solve it kinda care... if thats a type"

Everyone looked at Aang befote Lily gave a small laugh "you sound like Fin, he's really caring for sure but you have to understand him to notice his love language." Lily paused "but teaching you both will take a while, even just teaching Toph here, who I assume has never been taught anything about letters and words on pages. I'm guessing you lot are traveling to stop the war?"

"You bet!" Aang said with a cheeky grin

"Well you could easily travel with them and teach them all, you and Tarren both" Kurt suggested

"Im not going anywhere without you" Lily said whil jabbing a finger towards him and leaning down close to him "I promised to protect you, and I will"

"Then how about you all come with us! We can all learn braille! I mean I'm already teaching Aang waterbending, Toph is teaching Aang earthbending. And hopefully Zuko and Iroh will teach him firebending so a new writing language should be good for all of us!" Katara said with excitement clear in her voice

It only took a bit of convincing to have Kurt join but it took a good 20 minutes worth of convincing Fin to let Tarren and Lily travel around while Fin ran the library with the help of Jin who stepped up to take over the pairs roles in the library.

But before leaving Lily showed Sokka the braille pressing tools so he could get a quick idea of the way they worked before packing up a good amount of paper and tools so she could teach them. On the road. Tarren would help Toph with hers for stone given they're both earthbenders.

Once they started packing up their own belongings Toph walked into Lily's room with a small knock "hey, you almost ready petty steps?"

"Pretty steps? Uh, yeah I just have to find a good place to put this" she moved her hand a bit with a wooden mask facing up

"What is that?"

"Its my assassin mask, its got a white base, think warm wind. Two black marks, think of cold night ponds stretching from the side tips of her nose, above the brow bone and getting much thicker before going up and becoming two horns. The eye holes and the lips are both dark red, think of the warmth of a summer evening sunset."

Toph stood in the doorway "I didnt need the description but that kind of makes colors interesting"

"Really?"

"No"

The two laughed at the bluntness but then Lily shrugged "I guess your right, I didnt need to describe it, but I wanted to anyways" she held the mask for a second before packing it away "it's from my sisters favorite spirit fable. 'Lady of the sunset pond' she had my mama read it to us every night" Lily reached to her necklace and held the roght ash stone.

"Sounds like they hold a special place to you"

"Yeah, they do"

"What happened to them?" Toph asked while leaning against the wall

"We don't have the time to unwrap another story today" Lily gave a small laugh while she set her bag down "besides I need to change before we go, can't leave in a work uniform you know, not really meant for traveling" she moved towards Toph and gave a small bow "thank you for accepting to learn braille from me"

Toph smiled shortly but then punched Lily's arm earning a confused 'ow' to which she responded "thats how I show affection"

"Ah, thats an interesting way to show it" Lily laughed "now I best be getting changed, mind stepping out? I know you see with earthbending, I've seen Tarren train without sight before so I can recognize it"

Toph laughed and stepped out "whatever Pretty steps"

Once everyone was changed and packed they all let on loading up Appa and preparing to fly to the next place. The ragtag group of 4 traumatized kids was suddenly a ragtag group of 8 traumatized kids and 2 wise old men traveling on a flying bison with a small mischievous lemur. What a busy two days huh?

[survivor-rotuma]

Ep. 3: “People are coming to me like bees to pollen” - Felix

Felix

I think I am becoming bossy. I should cool down for now and lay low. Don't want to be seen as too big of a threat just yet.

Apollo

IM GAGGING! 6-1? Someone used an extra vote to make sure Thomas wasn’t home? Or he had a vote against him? Idk, idrc I survived the first vote of this game and sis it was stressful but easy. Thomas came on like half an hour before tribal and voted for Bradley without talking to anyone, I’m shook. A trio formed between myself,  Borris and Zest whilst Borris and I were also invited for a foursome with Bradley by Brianna. I’m shaking tbh

Marie

Ok jay, if you wanna here about it buckle up. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY JUMPING OVER A VOLCANO LIMITS ME FROM TYPING WORDS U G H ID BE GOOD AT THIS ONE BECAUSE I KNOW WAY TOO MYCH ABOUT THE SURVIVORS AND TO QUOTE DEBBIE “AND IM PISSED” , have a good day :)

Lysandre

So the challenge has been posted and it's cute!! I like this challenge because it allows me to think critically and analytically!! I am currently putting in WORK in the challenge but my tribe is flopping lmaoo. I'm trying my best to give them tips and tell them to mimic the common things I'm finding and apply it to their own pairings but something isnt clicking!! Hopefully we can pull out a win!

Lysandre

Can my tribe... do the challenge?? I refuse to go to tribal again but I also don't feel like carrying my tribe in the challenge by doing each one of the pairings extensively.

Flint

I’m glad I was able to sit out of the immunity challenge this week. However I am still feeling our tribe of 6 is actually 4 because I don’t see much interaction from Suzy or Charlie.

Lysandre

At this point I am preparing for tribal council. Jay announced the scores for the challenge and our tribe was down by 30+ points and in last place. An actual alliance (our alliance name) decided to vote David off if we go to tribal again because of his problematic behavior and mean comment to GiGi that he totally didn't say lmaoo. The challenge is basically up I'm ready to forfeit and go right to tribal.

Felix

So Suzy and Charlie do not seem to be contributing at all. This is fine I  guess since it just puts a bigger target on their backs as a result. I am just tired of these useless tribe members. Maybe it'd be better to go to tribal in order to vote them off so that they cannot turn on fellow Tuai members later since they wouldn't have that strong of a connection with us.

Felix

Flint just complimented me on my good work in the challenges. It seems that my challenge performance is being noticed. While this ensures that I will be safe in the majority of pre-merge, it will just paint a target on my back during the merge. Plus, I know I will be no good in these individual immunity challenges so let's see how this goes

Flint

I’m feeling pretty comfortable in the game, which makes me nervous something will happen. Our tribe is doing great in challenges and I have a strong alliance, I’m worried about an impending tribe swap!

David Penn

I am worried i will get voted off if we lost, i've only added like two things because i'm too busy rn.

Brianna

Welp. Late update but the Thomas vote went smooth. Also we won the third challenge so woo!!! Nothing really that new going on. There’s an alliance chat for me, Boris, Apollo and Bradley as well now so that’s...cool. That just leaves zest out for the next vote which I’m not too upset about since she doesn’t talk to me a lot.

Charlie

I'm scared I haven't been participating as much as the others and therefore might be out next. I need to start forming alliances ASAP

Bradley

I feel really bad. I did some of the plots for the spreadsheet but everyone else did more. I was busy with hosting family over for brothers bday i didnt really have time. Im glad we won immunity tho. It probably saved my ass.

Charlie

I think I may just have formed a secure alliance, we'll see though

Marie

This vote seems too easy, everyone except for David knows David is going home, not that I’m complaining one bit

Suzy quits

Kathleen

"Yeah tribal was cancelled but I still need to air my David feelings so this was my voting confessional:

Right. Well. You’re rude, you didn’t help in this challenge and I feel like you may have thrown your part in the last challenge even though you were very adamant that if people were not doing well in challenges they were a target. I do not in a million years feel like I can trust you. And I’m pretty sure it was you who wrote that horrible voting confessional for Gigi. Which was horrible and completely unnecessary by the way. It sounded like a bully. And I hate bullies. Bye, I’d say I’d miss you... but I won’t."

Felix

"Now that we are down one tribe member, it is essential to win this next challenge. Though this does mean that if we were to go to tribal council, Charlie would be the one to leave. We still have that safety blanket, but I am just nervous about what happens after Charlie is voted out. We need to do everything in our power to prevent that situation from happening.

I should have seen the One World twist coming since Jay seems to like it. Either way, the Tuai Quad Alliance LLC has decided that I should be one of the representatives out of the two. This will definitely make me seem like the leader of the tribe now. I just have to watch my back and see what happens. If they are going to perceive me like that, I might was well become it. Let's see how this all pans out."

Raul

Well, David better thank the Survivor Gods because we were for sure gonna vote him out. But alas someone quit, I hope they are ok and all is well. <3 Not looking forward to this one world twist -_-

Felix

I am trying to establish ties with a fair amount of people while we are in the One World. For one, I want to become friends with both Raul and Kathleen. They said they wanted to work with me earlier so hopefully they plan to keep that promise. I also want to see how much I can trust Bradley. I did give him the advantage so maybe I have an ally there. I've also talked to Lysandre a bit and think he's alright. Let's hope I can establish myself socially in this game!

Zest

Today is my birthday and I am so grateful for all of the sweet birthday wishes from everyone.

Felix

I must say that people are coming to me like bees to pollen. They all want to talk to me which makes the most sense since they all want to be social. Though some are better at it than others. I've been getting really good vibes from Lysandre, Kathleen, Apollo, and Marie. In that order. They just seem like good people. Also, Marie is 13!? Shook! I did gather some intel though from these people. Apparently, on Mea, David is at the bottom for being a rude-ass and being abrasive. That means if I am on a tribe with David, he will definitely be a target which might help later down the line. Marie is also very upfront and blunt. She asked me immediately "Who is on the bottom of your tribe?" Like girl. Be subtle. I'm not giving info out that easily so I just said no one even though it is clearly Charlie. Everyone on Mea though has mentioned this "bitch" who's on the bottom for being rude. It's David. I'm just so shook that they all are giving out this information that easily. It didn't take long for Marie to start spilling everything to me. She could be valuable as a rat later down the line so long as I don't tell her too much. Though she has said that her tribe really likes me for some reason. I am definitely rising as a leader for the game and will have a target on my back. Though it's great to finally have social ties that could carry me to merge.

Felix

Apollo mentioned working together. As in, if we ever worked together then that should be our alliance name (Club 96). Interesting proposal right there lol

Lysandre

This one world twist was cute until I came to the conclusion that I was playing the game with someone I had blocked and deleted and never wanted to play with ever again. I can see right through his alias and I literally want to will my idol off and quit. And I was really liking his alias until I started seeing connections and speech pattern.. yeah this is really ugly.

Flint

TWIST!! I knew the feeling in my guy was right. I was feeling too secure and now I have no idea what’s going on.

Marie

God knows what jay has planned as long as no volcanos are involved

Felix

Marie is being very pushy. I mean so I am but I like to think I am endearing. I think she is going to be pretty annoying for the rest of tribe so maybe she'll be the next up. Definitely don't want to be on her side.

Brianna

One world. New people. One survivor. Anyways. Marie is cool. But um. I’m tired and don’t feel like getting all these notifications from the one world chat but I also can’t mute it so ughhhh.

Felix

Cassie is just spilling all to me. She has an advantage that allows her to see how many alliance chats someone from the other tribe is rocking. That is such a useful tool. Especially late into pre-merge right before merge. I think it'll be really cool to fool her into using it. I hope she doesn't use it on me if we are ever on different tribes. Now, at least, I know that Cassie is loyal to me since hse is sharing all these details. Apollo is getting antsy that no one from his tribe will be a leader. I'm trying to convince it'll be fine, but he's not having it. He jsut has to trust me and then we can move on from there.

Lysandre

So Marie is actually Marie that's nice to know even though she wasn't supposed to do that ajdjdjsjs. And that impacts the game drastically because people are going to put their trust in her more now that they know she isn't a returnee. It is even having this round effects because she is about to be a leader. Deny the affects if yiu wabt but they definetely exist.

Lysandre

For the sake of Lysandre I am going to continue this game and act like I don't know who Felix is. Lysandre doesnt deserve to have their existance cut short especially considering the fact that they have an idol. They deserve all the love and support.

Dumbass bitch number 1 (Marie)

"To the tune of jeopardy:

Do do do do do do do, do do do do do, do dodododo, do do do dodo do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do, do dodododo do do do dodo do do do, DO, do do do do do do."

Lysandre

Moving forward in the game I, lysandre, would love to align with Felix in company with an actual alliance.

Boris

PSA: i love Jay

Volcano bitch

I love you jayyyy

Zest

Jay, sorry you are having a rough time getting home. sending good vibes your way.

Cassie

So, here's the thing. I love the vibe with my tribe and the alliance of Tuai Quad. I believe in them, but I know it could be a good idea to keep my options open and form new alliances too. A tri-leader alliance? Oh yeah. Only time will tell what I do with the information I get.

Felix

Another alliance chat down! Woohoo! This one is with Marie, Kathleen, Raul, Lysandre, and I. It's called Drama Bitches. This alliance I feel pretty good about but I do feel on the bottom since I am not from their tribe

Felix

To follow up, I have been positioning myself with people socially very well. It seems that everyone wants to be my friend and that everyone likes me. It will definitely be hard betraying them, but it has to be done. I need to put myself in the least risk out of everyone here in order to make it to the end. I feel I have done that. If people are going to be inactive now, then they must be the next on the chopping block. I hope everything goes well from here. Especially since I have connections on all three tribes. It should keep me safe in case of a swap

Felix

"It seems my socializing has paid off! Firstly, I was chosen as leader for one of the new tribes. I got to choose people for my new tribe that I would be making. I definitely saw this coming, so it was good that I was able to choose them myself. I feel confident with my new tribe. Everyone, except Boris, I have talked to at least once so that'll help. I think I have picked people that enable me to have power over everyone else if I play my cards right. How I see it: I have aligned with Joey, Lysandre, and Rual. I have talked a bit with Zest, and Boris I am just getting to now. I have talked extensively with Apollo. He and I have bonded really well. Perhaps that will keep me safe for the time being. Mainly why I picked the people I did is to have easy boots earlier on (Zest and Boris) and to have people I'm already aligned with be with me (Joey, Raul, and Lysandre). I definitely do think I have picked a good tribe though.

Secondly, my socializing has paid off in terms of immunity. I definitely saw myself having a bunch of connections, but I didn't know it amounted to being the most popular. I think, socially, I have positioned myself well. Now I just got to keep this momentum up in order to succeed! Hopefully, everyone I am aligned with makes it to merge. It might be hard for Flint since he is on vacation. In hindsight, I should have picked him since it would be easier to explain his situation if I was there. I hope he doesn't get a target on his back for being inactive tonight! I think that they might vote out David since he is annoying. I told Cassie and Flint this, so maybe they can use that to their advantage.

Finally, I think this might paint a huge target on my back. People are going to know I am very well-liked by a lot of people. If they carry that information with them, they could use it against me. That'll be a problem for later. Plus, I have an idol to fall back on in case that does happen. Overall, it is going extremely well for Felix Rodriguez!"

Really dumb bitch (Marie)

I just realized I’m a threat, and now I’m lowkey panicking because I just made a plan with some people about how we get to a merge with a majority and now I’m scared that they’ll see me as a strategic and social target because everyone I’ve talked to I’ve been able to persuade. Let’s hope I’m not the Michaela of this game and get voted out cause I’m to strategic

Marie

The second this tribe swap happened I already had so many plans and I’m scared that people might want me out because no one wants to sit with someone who started making moves the second they could?? I done fucked up

Brianna

Well new tribe. I’m pretty okay with the set up tho. Me and Marie have really clicked and we went to talking strategy right away. I’m glad Bradley is here. He isn’t on that much but he will probably vote with me. And Kathleen was another person I got to talk to a lot and she’s from original mea with Marie so that’s good. Haven’t gotten to talk to flint or Charlie. And. Talking with Cassie is just. It’s so dry so far....

Charlie

So the tribe just merged, I've formed a new alliance and I'm super excited to see where it goes haha. Feeling a bit nervous about tribal council however since it is my first one. But I feel confident I won't be voted out just yet

Felix

I have created "The Gold Alliance" with Lysandre and Raul. They have both given me permission to add Joey to the alliance chat. I wanted to add Joey in order to keep OG Tuai safe from harm. If I can do that, then being on this tribe won't be so bad after all. Hopefully, however, Joey can maintain a social status to justify me bringing him into the alliance. Otherwise, he is on his own. I  hope the other OG Tuai are doing well and avoiding elimination today

Lysandre

"Me in the middle of one world: Omg I believe I know Felix's real self and I am literally about to quit I hate the person that Felix is outside of the alias

Felix: Picks me first to be a part of his tribe. "

Lysandre

"Ok so the new tribes have me feeling pretty iffy. Yes I am immune at the moment but I am separated from both Marie and Kathleen. This doesn't give me any comfort knowing that I am on a tribe with individuals who I do not know very well either and being stuck with Raul who works all the time and isn't 100% aligned with me yet.

While on new Tuai, Felix decided to form an alliance between me, him, and Raul which was a fraction of the Drama Bitches alliance that was formed during One World that consisted of Me, Felix, Raul, Marie and Kathleen. Now I am not dumb. I am aware that Cassie and Felix are close and Apollo fits in there somewhere too. My eyes are open. SHARINGAN! "

Marie

If David doesn’t go home I’ll cry

Boris

"Whew so much has happened

I got an idol a couple days ago!! I can't remember if I wrote a confessional about this

Someone walked, I wasn't really all that interested in that.

AND THEN SUDDENLY WE'RE IN ONE WORLD and I have mild panic bc i hate one world's, too many people.

And then we gotta pick 2 leaders, Marie and Felix volunteer and me and the rest of Sumi tribe ALMOST fight because we're messy heauxs but we eventually let it happen

And then tribe swap!! Surprise!! Except no one is actually super surprised but here we are anyway. And best of all, my dynamic trio alliance of me and Apollo and Zest is still together? When will ur faves? So yeah I'm in a good position, I like this tribe way better than my first one"

Maynor

I think it might be me going or its gunna be David. Thats what my vote is gunna be. Hopefully it works.

Brianna

I forgot if I said David is the target but David is the target.

[peristeron]

so y’all its time for the rare “maybe i need to re-examine my dæmon form" time with mala, thoughts under the cut

right, so. for those not in the know, who happen to decided to poke into this out of curiousity — i use the dæmon forum’s methods, which are basically taking the whole thing as a personality typing dealio, for self-reflection and shit. for the past several years i’ve been solidly settled as a tawny frogmouth, and before that, before the shift in analysis style i was a palm cockatoo

BUT recently i’ve been noticing some thought patterns i think i’ve pretty much always had but never entirely paid much attention to or noticed, namely some stuff relating to being image-oriented, particularly when i’m actually dealing with conflicts and not running the fuck away or otherwise avoiding the shit out of them. this isn’t something i ever considered about myself because generally i hate the spotlight and am so conflict-avoidant that the competitiveness that almost always goes along with being image-oriented doesn’t fit me At All

however

i’ve been noticing as a pattern through the past few months just how much i am Deeply Concerned with how things will Look, even when i feel generally past the point of going through the motions/playing the social game/doing my usual sugarcoating that is a lot more purposeful and careful than it probably seems. i Care about how i’m going to look to a theoretical Audience, to the point that it will utterly stress me out in some environments to the point of turning into a slug (see: dreamwidth). i want to make sure my shit is water-tight, i want to make sure that i come out looking Good. which, given internet culture (and especially dreamwidth and tumblr cultures), makes sense, especially for someone whose brain spends 75% of its activity centered on Avoiding Stress/Conflict/Unpleasant Things. if facing something Unpleasant and actively getting involved, it makes sense to not want things to get More Unpleasant due to one’s own phrasing or actions, etc.

anyway

one of my biggest problems with form finding, right, is that my cognitive functions are INFJ and my enneagram is 6w7. that isn’t a combination that’s very common and, from what i can tell, is viewed as kind of weird. i’ve re-examined both of these things (bc i try to avoid quizzes with personality typings and instead try and figure out how the systems work to pick The Most Accurate One, bc im that nerd), and i’m pretty heckin solid on it. but because its an uncommon and weird combo, it can make form finding difficult — bc finding an analysis that has the right combination of weird INFJ/6w7 traits is ............ yeah

NOW FINALLY ON TO THE GOOD SHIT

so i’m poking around on the spreadsheet, bc i know it isnt infallible but its a handy resource to get started with, and i keep pulling up things that are absolute duds. and then im like, “coyote, sure, lets just fuckin look” bc its listed as infj and 6. the analysis linked to that needs some editing, but doesn’t seem egregiously wrong and ... weirdly ... fits more than i expected. so out of curiousity, i popped over to the other two coyote analyses, both of which were written by forum analysis experts

and i stare. because this is............ hmm. it isnt a Perfect Fit, at least i dont think so, but its............... its more on point than i really expected. wtf. the other analysis doesn’t fit nearly as well, which i wonder how much of that is really down to differing interpretations or if it’s because of............. something else idk, but ironically that’s the one that has infj listed in the coyote’s possible mbti. this one doesn’t, but is more accurate to me. /scratches head

this is just So Weird to me bc i’d largely like. not........... considered a canine for myself before, not seriously, not since i got started and went through the “Maybe I’m A Wolf” phase. i’ve been birds for the longest time. but the birds that worked for me before (tawny frogmouth, mourning dove, though that second one fit a lot less closely) are distinctly missing the image-oriented stuff. and the bird analyses i know that definitely do center on it too much. so looking outside of birds, let alone finding one that fits as well as that coyote analysis, is just.................. Weird. it feels so Weird

it even nails something that, like. i never looked too closely in regards to myself bc i didnt like it:

¤ Possessive (revisited) Only some coyotes are territorial year round, but all are territorial during breeding season. Although there's not a lot of information out there on the subject, it appears that coyotes are territorial of the core 10% of their territory year round (usually where the den is located). How aggressively a coyote defends its territory will depend on available resources. In times of plenty, they're more lax; when food is scarce, they're less welcoming. Similarly, coyote people are not Possessive with a capital P, but they are possessive of things they see as uncommon or unique to them. The more obscure the interest or thing, the more possessive they are. Finding someone who shares these interests makes them feel like their individuality is being threatened. In contrast, when something is really popular or common, they don't expect it to be "their" thing and aren't upset by others embracing it. Basically, you could call them conditionally possessive.

SWEATS..................... LOUDLY. i. yeah. this is a kneejerk reaction i have. its not as uniform/regular/predictable as that, and i really need to pay more attention to that feeling and analyze it more when it happens, but i uh. sometimes........... i......... yeah

like. typically, i am not a jealous person. 97% of the time, i dont get jealous about my relationships, to the point that polyamory is a very real possibility for me and has been a thing for me in the past. but occasionally. occasionally. i’ll get... possessive a bit. and a bit jealous, wanting to helicopter and wanting to demand All The Person’s Time, No, Play With Meeeeeeee. i dont let myself do this, ever, because i know its Bad and it feels extremely uncomfortable to feel it to begin with. and there are some things i’ll get weirdly possessive about, usually more along the route of ideas kinda thing. i get the whole insecurity about “if this other person does the thing, then everyone’s going to like them more than me, and no one will like me any more because that person is better than me.” which is bullshit but i haven’t figured out how to bury it yet

squints off............... also i wanna talk about this:

¤ Competitive  ... Coyote people are competitive by nature. They want to succeed and have trouble enjoying themselves if they're losing or struggling. This might cause them to drop activities they find difficult while focusing on what they're good at. They have a habit of comparing their achievements to their peers', which can lead to motivation or jealousy. They want to be the best in their field (or at least feel comfortable with their status), and they'll do what they can to stay there.

again, like i said earlier — being competitive isn’t something i typically consider a trait i have. i dont like conflict, competition feels way too much like conflict to me, i dont like negative attention, etc. ..................... but. b u t. the way this is phrased here? the bolded shit? which is pretty much the entire thing? y...eah. this hits it right on the fuckin head for me. i avoid competition because i hate losing and dont trust my reactions when im not doing well in a competition situation. i avoid things i’m bad at for the same reason (and bc feeling like a failure, bad thought spirals, perfectionism (which is also a trait in this analysis), etc). and, here’s the kicker, even if i’m not participating in something competitive at all, i’m still constantly comparing myself to other people, esp other people who are doing similar things to me (such as, say, role-playing courier six, the most open-ended player character in the bethesda fallouts and thus why am i comparing my OC to other OCs that’s fucking stupid). i may not feel like i want to be The Best One (is that bc i have no ambition/drive, which is a thing, or is it bc i have a huge amount of self-worth problems and therefore can’t imagine myself as being The Best and besides i wouldn’t want that pressure to be and stay The Best) — but i want to feel comfortable and safe in a status of being One Of The Better Ones, or even just One Of The Good Ones. and i want to maintain that status because i hate change (even if i can deal with it after some adjusting)

again — all of this is shit i’ve never wanted to really look too closely at or even admit too much, but it’s been there for a very long time, so its not like i’m magically developing this. its just............. that i’ve ignored it. and now im starting to be more honest with myself about it and its raising a lot of questions

anyway i may not be a goofy af looking bird guys i may be a clumsy, goofy coyote. ???????????????????????????????????

[in-paradox-space]

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future. 

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me. 

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable. 

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself. 

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand. 

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me. 

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle. 

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me. 

I’m speaking in material world  terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t. 

but they still persist and it just goes on 

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around  that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner. 

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls.  i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance. 

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them. 

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though. 

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness) 

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy 

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot 

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

 i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most. 

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned. 

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine. 

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want  to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but  i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now. 

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel. 

then he’s gone. 

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though 

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it. 

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage. 

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday. 

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it. 

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him. 

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control 

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life 

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here. 

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him 

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation. 

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him 

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it? 

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night. 

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him 

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than  i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it. 

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just 

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl

[thatjwguy]

Spiritism And The World Around Us     

  Disclaimer: Like before, this is in no way officially tied to the JW (Jehovah’s Witness) organization besides the articles i may share, i do these as a way of exposing the false spirit of the world and how it deceives the masses. Along with just general educational purposes, if you wanna call it that, alternative research material is what i tend to call it. Keep on the watch tho, many people are out there trying to mislead and distract people from what the truth really is. Agape!

 Deuteronomy 18:10-13                    

10. “There should not be found in you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, anyone who employs divination, anyone practicing magic, anyone who looks for omens, a sorcerer 11. anyone binding others with a spell, anyone who consults a spirit medium or a fortune-teller, or anyone who inquires of the dead 12. For whoever does these things is detestable to Jehovah, and on account of these detestable practices Jehovah your God is driving them away from before you.”

This could be added to one of my previous posts, since its essentially going through most of what i had talked about. I have left this picture linked to the article so all you gotta do is click on it to go to the page. I feel i have already done this topic to death, as well as the others online and offline. Anyone with common sense and a basic bible understanding should already understand these concepts, now im not sure how seriously they take the media they watch but i feel now its about as obvious as a person shouting in you face, so i feel its just more like they just dont WANT to believe it, or simply dont care.

Joshua 1:8

This book of the Law should not depart from your mouth, and you must read it in an undertone day and night, in order to observe carefully all that is written in it; for then your way will be successful and then you will act wisely.

Romans 9:20

But who are you, O man, to be answering back to God? Does the thing molded say to its molder: “Why did you make me this way?

This is unfortunate, for many reasons but for the sake of this post im going to go into only one. Lets talk about the influence of this media we watch, the people who we let into our lives, informally maybe but still nevertheless a part of your life in some way. These personalities rub off on you, would you not agree? I mean, we dont really think about this when we are viewing something or playing something in a video game. We detach ourselves from it, we see it just as entertainment and nothing more, but is that really the case? Is it really harmless to watch graphic images in horror movies or pornography?

Amos 5:15

Hate what is bad, and love what is good, Let justice prevail in the city gate. It may be that Jehovah the God of armies Will show favor to the remaining ones of Joseph.

2 Corinthians 11:14

And no wonder, for Satan himself keeps disguising himself as an angel of light.

Proverbs 22:3

 3 

 The shrewd one sees the danger and conceals himself, But the inexperienced keep right on going and suffer the

consequences

.

I know i know, this is touchy stuff, when you go into subjects like these you gotta step lightly. Lets focus on the impact that it can have on your overall thinking patterns, the way you are wired. From birth, we are a clean slate, so throughout our lives we are constantly learning from the environment in which we live, our parents and those who we spend our time with will greatly impact our personality. Not always in a good way either, take for example, your best friend perhaps. Maybe you two hit it off like two peas in a pod, but i bet one of you might be more of a bad influence on the other, kinda like brother and sister relationships sometimes, one might be a little more rebellious then the others.

Acts 14:2

But the Jews who did not believe stirred up and wrongly influenced the people of the nations against the brothers.

1 Corinthians 12:2

You know that when you were people of the nations, you were influenced and led astray to those voiceless idols, following wherever they might lead you.

This is a good scene, movie called  Double Indemnity  which has a detective going against his morals, being seduced by a vixen.

Might not be too bad but you might find yourself starting to take after them after awhile, not even knowing it usually. I should know, i have had my fair share of bad influences growing up, informally or formally. I have since separated from most of that scene, but still have some stuff to clear up. Anyway, the main point here, is we are all impacted by those around us, the world around us as a whole. So, with media, dont you feel that it would have the same effect? This is where common sense should kick in. Keep in mind, i love all forms of media (aside from the obvious garbage that goes against bible standards) for different reasons, so this in no way is an attack on media. Just to clear that up.

     Jeremiah 17:9                    

9The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?

    Proverbs 28:26                    

26 Whoever trusts in his own heart is stupid, But the one who walks in wisdom will escape.

What are some of the thoughts you have while listening to music or watching your favorite movie? How is it effecting your overall mood at that particular time? Some music might take you to a nice fairy tail land or paradise like setting in your mind. While others might make you think of dark and sinister settings, doom/gloom type stuff. Movies and tv provide the picture, no need for imagination, unless you tend to picture yourself in some of those movies or scenes with actors. See where im going with this? Our minds can go on tangents, one second we might be cleaning the fridge but our minds might be in lala land with our loved ones or thinking about a nice hot-rod you saw.

Romans 12:2

And stop being molded by this system of things, but be transformed by making your mind over, so that you may prove to yourselves the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

So lets drive this point on home shall we? Think about the things you where exposed to when you where growing up, remember how it effected you? What about the kids you know in your life now? Do you do your best to be a good influence on the young ones of this generation? I would hope the answer would be yes, with no hesitation. If not, consider some more wholesome ways to spend time with your loved ones young or even old. Just because you grew up in a different generation doesn't mean you dont have any effect on someone elses life. In fact, we all can benefit from one another in a variety of ways. I have found knowledge in the young and in the old. Just depends on if you are actually listening and paying attention.

Proverbs 4:7

Wisdom is the most important thing, so acquire wisdom, And with all you acquire, acquire understanding.

Ecclesiastes 9:16

And I said to myself: ‘Wisdom is better than mightiness; yet a poor man’s wisdom is despised, and his words are not heeded.’

Just felt like putting in this pic, kinda liked it.

I’ll leave off with saying that us as humans are very fragile and impressionable. We tend to overlook the real problems and overthink the insignificant ones. Spending more time in a fake world, rather than participating in the one right in front of us. We are shaped and molded by the world in which we live, what we see and do are a direct result of all our past experiences and the current situations we find ourselves in today. So, instead of listening to that rapper talk about how much money he has or playing that video game that comes out every year with the exact same premise as the last, shoot this guy to get to the next objective. How about we take some time to read a good book (I could think of a REAL good one) have deep conversations with people, go out sight seeing or just something that doesn't involve an internet connection/tv. Even if just for a little bit, to keep you grounded in reality, which is something im still trying to master too, so don’t feel bad lol.

Proverbs 24:19

Do not be upset because of evil men; Do not envy wicked people,

Ecclesiastes 8:14

There is something futile that takes place on the earth: There are righteous people who are treated as if they had acted wickedly, and there are wicked people who are treated as if they had acted righteously. I say that this too is futility.

One last thing, i will leave some links to other videos and websites that could give father info on the effects of the entertainment we watch. Keep in mind that this blog is only intended to help people discern or to challenge ones previously held beliefs, i feel that its good to keep an open mind about spiritual matters. Also, this isnt real spiritual food either, yes it might give you better perspective but you still should be getting your spiritual food from the bible (Intended for believers). Thanks if you have reached this point, if you like it, dont forget to show it some love. :) Jahbless

(Videos And Websites)

How Porn Affects the Brain 

How Violence in the Media Effects Children 

Part 1 of 4: ex Occultist, Secret Society, Psychic, New Age, Spiritualist, Witchcraft( Pennie Reese)