#anyways the way this show engages with mental health makes me furious sometimes

[heyassbuttlmao]

"You put mostly okay on Benny? What is mostly okay doing hunting at all?" BITCH YOU ARE LITERALLY ALSO NOT OKAY STFU STFU STFU

[chris-sales-belly-ring]

Phlochte: Speak Now

Sometimes, I’m just in the mood for some Phlochte angst.

So when I saw this prompt, I really wanted to write it!

Prompt: “So I know we haven’t talked in like, two years, and that things ended pretty badly between us but what the fuck do you mean you’re engaged to be married” AU.

@shanna-kayfabe, @jeahwriting.

Ryan is having quite the morning from hell already. He left his keys at the house of the guy who he hooked up with last night, so he’s locked out of his apartment. Ryan feels like an idiot for having to sneak in through the window that’s slightly ajar. His head is pounding from still being hungover, so he just wants to have a giant mug of coffee. He’s fresh out of K-Cups and he threw away his old coffee pot. Ryan doesn’t feel like going to the store to get some more K-Cups, so he decides that he’ll walk to Starbucks after he takes a quick shower and brushes his teeth.

He doesn’t have much worth stealing, so he’s not too worried about anyone breaking into his apartment while he’s gone. Ryan doesn’t have the number of the guy that he slept with last night, but his place is within walking distance. He plans on going back later and having an awkward conversation as he retrieves his keys. The Starbucks at the end of his block is small and not usually crowded, but of course it is today. Ryan sighs because the line is about twenty people long. He doesn’t have much planned for the day except for doing laundry, but he still doesn’t want to spend thirty minutes standing in line for overpriced coffee.

Ryan puts his headphones in to help pass the time. He’d much rather listen to Lil Wayne than the stupid John Mayer song that’s playing over the speakers. Ryan puts his phone and his headphones back in the pocket of his jeans when he’s actually close enough to read the menu. He kind of wants to stab the person in front of him who’s taking forever and a day to order. Ryan just wants to get his drink and then enjoy the rest of his Saturday. He takes a sip of his Caffè Americano after it’s handed to him and he moans at the taste. Ryan heads toward the exit and he stops in his tracks when he hears his name being called. He knows the voice very well. It’s his ex, Michael. Ryan turns around to face him and he can’t control how rapidly that his heart is beating. Michael still has the same big ears and goofy smile. He gets up from the table where he’s sitting to give Ryan a weird and uncoordinated hug.

“Hey Michael,” Ryan greets.

“I haven’t seen you around here in forever,” Michael says.

“I’m not really into spending $5 on coffee every day anymore,” Ryan says.

Ryan and Michael used to come to this Starbucks all the time when they were together. Once they broke up, Ryan had to stop coming for his mental health. He didn’t want to be constantly reminded of his ex, so he avoided the place like the plague. Michael has grown out his facial hair and Ryan can’t figure out if he actually likes it or not. He would normally tease him about it, but he doesn’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. The last time that they saw each other ended with them getting into a colossal fight. Despite the fact that it has been two years, those wounds are still a little raw. Ryan can’t just forget about that and joke with Michael like everything’s ok between them.

“So, how’s life?” Michael wants.

“It’s good, how about you?” Ryan returns the question.

Before Michael can answer, a pretty woman who’s holding an adorable baby boy in her arms approaches him. Ryan doesn’t have to wonder for long who she is to Michael because she greets him with a sweet kiss on the lips. She smiles at Ryan before she hands Michael the baby. She excuses herself and she heads toward the bathroom. Ryan is stunned and he can’t find his voice to speak. It suddenly feels like it’s 100°F in the room.

“As you can see, I have a son and a fiancée now,” Michael eventually says.

Ryan blinks. “You’re engaged?”

“Yeah. The wedding is actually next month and—”

Ryan cuts him off. “I can’t do this.”

When there’s a knock on Ryan’s door several hours later, he’s surprised to see Michael standing outside. He tries to slam the door in his face, but Michael’s reflexes are too quick. He manages to force his way inside Ryan’s apartment. Michael says that he just wants to talk, but Ryan isn’t interested. He doesn’t think that there’s anything left for them to talk about. Michael has a kid and he’s getting married, so Ryan isn’t even sure what he wants from him.

“Why are you here?” Ryan questions.

“I wanted to apologize for earlier. It obviously wasn’t my intention to blindside you like that,” Michael explains.

“Are you only marrying her because you knocked her up?” Ryan wonders.

Michael narrows his eyes. “No! It’s because I love her and because she’s good for me.”

“You know, you’re not suddenly straight just because you’re able to finally get it up for a woman,” Ryan spits.

“We’re not going to have this argument again. I’m not gay. I’m literally going to spend the rest of my life with a woman. What part of that don’t you understand?” Michael snaps.

Ryan backs Michael into a corner. “Maybe I’m confused because you used to make the prettiest sounds for me. And you used to tell me how I was the best you ever had. I would make you cum in five minutes. I bet that I still can, MP. Can she get you off like that?”

Michael is really rethinking his decision to wear sweat pants right about now. It’s blatantly obvious that he’s starting to grow erect. It’s been two years and Ryan hasn’t even touched him, yet here he is popping a boner like an overly horny teenage boy. Ryan still smells exactly the same and his lips are still ridiculously pink and enticing. Michael knows that he can overpower Ryan and leave, but it’s like his feet don’t remember how to move properly. He puts his knee in between Michael’s legs and Ryan smirks because of how fucking hard that he is.

“Sure that you’re not gay?” Ryan taunts.

“Ryan, please,” Michael begs.

“Please what?” Ryan asks.

“Please, stop. I need to forget you. I have to,” Michael whispers desperately.

“Don’t marry her, MP. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to her,” Ryan points out.

“I-I can’t give you what you want, Ryan. I’ll never be able to,” Michael admits.

Ryan chastely kisses him on the forehead. “I know. But that doesn’t mean that I want to see you ruin your life like this.”

Ryan finds out the details about Michael’s wedding through one of their mutual friends. He knows that he shouldn’t go, but that doesn’t stop him from crashing the wedding anyway. Ryan sits in the back, hoping to blend in with the rest of the guests. Michael looks nervous as he waits for Nicole to walk down the aisle. He still knows Michael like the back of his hand and he can read him like a book. Ryan can see the clear hesitation and the apprehension in his eyes.

He doesn’t quite understand the self-hatred and the internalized homophobia that has been plaguing Michael ever since he met him. Ryan has tried relentlessly to get Michael to accept himself, but he fails every time. It actually breaks his heart to see Michael try to force himself to be the person that society says he should be. Ryan can’t stand to see him so miserable, especially because he knows that it will only get worse. Even though the chances of them being together happily are slim to none, Ryan is still in love with Michael.

He still wants what’s best for him. His palms start sweating profusely when the “if anyone can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace” part of the ceremony comes. Ryan’s almost positive that Michael will hate him for ruining his wedding day if he gets up to object. But he doesn’t think that he can live with himself if he doesn’t say anything. Ryan’s legs are shaky as he stands up from his seat. Everyone gasps and Michael looks furious.

“Ryan, what are you doing?” Michael angrily asks.

“Saving you from yourself, MP. You’ll wreck three lives if you go through with this; yours, Nicole’s, and your son’s,” Ryan tells him earnestly.

“I can’t believe that you still care about me. Even after everything that I’ve said and done to you,” Michael says outside of the church after everyone has left.

“Love isn’t logical. You just can’t help how your heart feels,” Ryan answers.

Michael looks sad. “It’s hard to feel like I made the right decision after humiliating Nicole and making her cry like that.”

“I tried talking some sense into you before now, but you didn’t want to hear me. But trust me, she’s better off now than she would be if you had married her,” Ryan gives his opinion.

“I know. It’s just hard to see the bigger picture right now,” Michael comments.

“I know that you have some people to call and things to cancel, so I’ll leave you to it,” Ryan says as he turns to leave.

“Wait. I don’t want you to go,” Michael quietly admits.

“I came here to stop you from making a mistake and I did that. It’s time for me to move on now,” Ryan decides.

Ryan can’t get caught up in the whirlwind that is Michael again. He knows that his heart just can’t take it anymore. It has been broken too many times now and Ryan is afraid of what one more break will do to it. He hugs Michael tightly and he whispers that he loves him. Without thinking, Michael pulls him in for a passionate goodbye kiss. Ryan hates that the moments like this between them don’t last. He blinks back the tears that desperately want to escape his eyes and he reluctantly walks away from the love of his life.

[yayaiamlordee]

Wedding Regrets

Let me just say now, no. I do not regret marrying my husband. I love him more than anything and he is no where near a regret to me. 

Now onward. 

I got married back in June, just a couple of months ago okay. And even though things did go smoothly which I am so happy about, there’s several things that are coming to surface that I am having a bit of trouble with. I’m just going to make a list. 

1.  I originally wanted to get married sometime in September. Originally September 22nd. We ended up settling for June 13th because we found a venue we really liked and the original date was too expensive for us. It was $5000 for a weekend wedding. The lady helping us was explaining to us that if we did a wedding on a weekday, it would be $2900 which was still a little pricey but more affordable for us. We were paying for most of our wedding out of pocket so we didn’t have much to work with. We also didn’t want to wait another year or two to get married. We narrowed it down to what day we would like to have which would be a Thursday since it was as close to the weekend as possible without the weekend price. I also had months that were an absolute no for me. I didn’t want any months that had major holidays in it. So there goes January/April/July/October/November/December. I also didn’t want to get married in May because my parents were married that month and its already a full month of birthdays/anniversaries/etc., meaning barely anyone would come i’m sure. So really the only months that would be an option were February-March. June/August/September. We decided that the beginning of the year would probably be difficult hence being right after all the holidays. And it being too cold. So there goes February-March. Literally left with June, August and September. She named off dates and June 13th on Thursday was one of them. We ended up just saying “sure.” not really giving time to think about other days in August or September even. I really wanted a fall wedding. I’m not much of a summer person. I think we also decided on June because we went on our honeymoon to Colorado. Thinking it would be a good time to go with it being summer. Our honeymoon was still relaxing though. So that was fun. Anyways, I still always felt off about our wedding date and i almost changed it with our venue but I was worried we wouldn’t be able to, or that it would be extra to change so I never did it. Though it always upset me in the back of my mind that I wasn’t getting the date I originally wanted. A time of year that I felt happiest at. I just think I was overwhelmed with the wedding planning process to begin with, I just wanted to have a date set in stone so I just said yes to whatever. And I do feel stupid that I am so bothered by a date but it’s probably because its a time frame I originally didnt want and now the date is forever. I should focus on the fact that it’s a day I vowed my life to Traven and that’s what is important. I just feel like I missed out again on something I really wanted originally and I fell under pressure to myself. Though I just found out that our venue we got married at is closing permanently at the end of this month. So we did dodge a bullet not doing a wedding in September. 

2. I desperately wanted to have colored hair for my wedding and had it done differently. My hair style that day didn’t look as neat and clean as I was imagining it to be. It looks like an average low bun with nice bangs and shit ton of bobby pins. Also I had made a promise to my mother and great grandmother that I would have my natural hair for my wedding and now I’m regretting it. I look at my photos and I feel like they’re not me. I love having my colored hair and standing out in a positive way like that. I just felt it was boring. I felt like I was just another typical person and I don’t want to do that. I want to be unique or be someone that people are like “man, I wish I would have done that for my wedding!” or “look how gorgeous she is not being a traditional bride!” It’s not me. It’s not who I am for sure on that. I wanted to be an alternative bride. I originally wanted a blue dress or just a different color besides white. I got a white dress with tan underneath. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED my dress. It was absolutely beautiful and I felt beautiful in it. Just wish it was maybe a grey, blue or black even! But overall I just wanted to a different style of bride but I went for traditional even though I am not traditional. This also comes into play with having no self identity security if that makes sense. I just don’t know who I am but if I could go back to the day of our wedding again, I would have dyed my hair the night before the wedding and been colorful. I’m regretting so hard because I feel like I am now getting uncomfortable with looking at my wedding photos. I can’t recognize who is in the photos. It doesn’t feel like me. 

3. I didn’t get as many photos as I wanted. Everything was rushed and I actually lost on chances for certain photos. I wish I had more time or was more stern with time frames and organizing. I wanted more one on one shots of Traven and I but I didn’t get many. I have several of the same angle and I like them but I just wish I had more angles and poses you know? I also wish I would have gotten more photos of just myself as a bride. Picture of my bouquet by itself because it was so pretty. The colors and how it was arranged was gorgeous. These little details I really wanted but it slipped my mind to get them because I was so focused on everything else that day. 

4. I’m really upset about how big i was planning my wedding. I originally invited 150 people and only had 120 RSVP up til the wedding. The day of the wedding comes and literally only 70-80 people were at the ceremony and 60-65 people at the actual reception. I had so many empty chairs and so many empty tables that it made me feel like a lot of people didn’t want to celebrate this day with us. It made me feel lonely for some reason. I didn’t get to see Traven a lot during the reception because he kept wondering off after our dance and such so he could talk to people. Which is fine. But I didn’t really have him with me so people could celebrate us together. Idk. Is that wrong to say?? I ended up letting the wedding end 4 1/2 hours earlier than our time booked because mostly everyone had left. Our wedding was only 4 hours long. I just don’t think that’s a lot of time for such a wonderful day like this. You hope to only get married once, I wanted to celebrate. I was devastated. I wanted it to last much longer with my friends and family. I wanted them there. I had low expectations though for my mothers side of the family. They all left within like an hour and half into the reception because they have better things to do i’m sure. At my mother’s wedding, there were there for maybe 30 minutes before they all left. Yet if it comes to any one else of them getting married or hosting an event, they’re there until the very end. Still hurts though you know? Makes me resent them more. I’m just really upset about how empty our wedding felt. Seeing pictures from the ceremony and seeing there maybe be 70 chairs empty, it looks pathetic and embarrassing. 

5. I also wish Traven would have picked a better time to propose to me. We had just broken up a couple of months before. He left me unexpectedly. Ended up having both of us be moved out of the house we were living in with roommates, moved back into our parents house, didn’t talk to each other and I had a mental breakdown resulting in being admitted into a mental health facility. It was an awful situation. He reached out to a few months later asking to talk and told he had life crisis and just was scared of a lot of things and plus was out of his mind after taking a dab. After talking for a long time, I forgave him and took him back. His family was not happy about it and were pissed at me even though I wasn’t the one who broke up with him. He was the one who did and left. My family was forgiving. Few days later, unexpectedly he proposed to me at a golf course that he last minute saw and decided it was an okay place. We don’t golf at all or have no reason to go to a golf course so it gave it away with what he was doing because it is not something we ever did. He proposed but instead of being excited, I felt fear. I knew his family would be furious. I didn’t know how my family would respond. I also didn’t know if this was a good idea because we just got back together after he fucking left me. So I was scared that this was some sick joke and that he would just up and leave again. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I did the face covering “omg i’m so happy” pose and said yes. Now, part of me did want to say yes, but not at all in these circumstances and ESPECIALLY at a damn golf course. Not to mention in the middle of him asking to marry me, a guy on a golf cart told us to leave because we couldn’t be on the property. I was humiliated. Also not to mention, I wasn’t showerd, had no bra on, my hair was a mess, I had been in a dark basement in bed crying all day and just I looked like absolute shit. It is not in any way how someone imagines being proposed to. Hey, at least he got the ring right. It was gorgeous. I love my ring. But just like I feared, his family went OFF. His mother kicked Traven out, isolated him from family. His dad screamed at him. His parents didn’t want to see me and basically said Traven was crazy. My idea of a proposal was that it would be planned out, I would look nice, I would have someone to take photos, my family and his family and all of our friends would be excited for us. Instead we got a shit show. We had to hide our engagement for months. I didn’t get to be happy about being engaged for the longest time. I lost friends, I had people saying “didn’t you guys just break up? This is stupid.” I also had other people saying I was making a huge mistake. it hurt so much to hear all of this. It still bothers the hell out of me and I want to get past it but how? Now so many of my friends are getting engaged and married. My best friend just got engaged right after my wedding and I’m so happy for her. But i’m also so envious. I wish I would have gotten that excitement from my engagement. I wish I would have pictures. Instead I have a posed photo of him “proposing” to me at our engagement photo session because I wanted to feel like i had something. I just feel so awful for complaining so much. I just so badly wish things went differently. So many things in my life always ended up being a shit show or I missed out on something. It makes me fear about having a child. What if I miscarry, have a stillborn, they die on me, or they have a disorder that ruins their quality of life and I have to watch my child suffer? I’m so scared. 

I do want to point out some positives though. 

1. I got to marry my best friend and if it counts, our day overall went smoothly. I didn’t have any issues with family/friends or the day itself besides people leaving early, not showing up and missing out on photos. 

2. Our flowers/cake and decorations/ the venue looked wonderful. I was so happy. 

3. Our honeymoon was fun. It was nice to be back in Colorado and even go to a spa. it was so relaxing. 

4. I do like my photos that I have besides the fact that I don’t like looking at myself. I have some photos that I will definitely cherish. 

5. Majority of the people that were there at the wedding were people that were most important to me. My great grandmother couldn’t make it but I know she wanted to be there. It broke my heart to hear her cry about not being able to be there. But that she loved me and she couldn’t want to see photos and hear all about it. 

6. I loved my dress. And I was so happy wearing my converse bright orange shoes under my dress. I showed them off. I felt like i stood out a little bit. 

7. My brother walked me down the isle and I knew he was proud. I was too. 

8. All my bridesmaids and groomsmen looked wonderful. I was so relieved to know everyone matched and it came out good. ( I was worried for a while since everyone went at different times to get their items) 

9. I got to dance with my brother, my dad, my mom and step dad. I cried a lot that day. Which is normal obviously. 

10. I had the colors I wanted and it came together. 

11. Traven’s family, especially parents have been supportive with us and really accepted me back in their family again. It’s such a nice feeling. 

12. I get to go on this new adventure with Traven and I think I did make the right decision with him. He’s been so patient with me and does his best to help support me when i’m in over my head with anxiety. 

If anyone has advice or can even relate, feel free to message me. It’s nice to know i’m not the only one who feels this way