#LIKE BITCH A CHARACTER WHO HAS SPENT YEARS IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL HAS AT LEAST GOTTEN FUCKING TREATMENT

[hitorinorin]

warnings: major character death (cancer is a bitch), reader uses she/her pronouns, purely angst (if you hate open endings, this story is not for you)

💌: my first non-rin fic everybody REJOICE! i missed gojo's annoying ass so i decided to take matters into my own hands and write gojo angst... i love gojo i swear... will probably delete if this flops because i'm an insecure (insert bad word)

“Hey Satoru! Let’s go stargazing. I heard that a shooting star would be visible today. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of it…”

My wife had always been a fan of the night sky. Whenever she gets the chance to stargaze, she grabs it with little to no hesitation. Her obsession with the constellations was one of the things I always admired her for. The way the sparkling stars seemingly reflect on her eyes whenever she talks about the things she likes, the way her smile acts like a black hole that pulls you in, the way everything about her is enough to create a whole new universe— Y/N, to say the least, was the moon that provided luminosity to my darkened world. Even in the midst of life's chaos and uncertainties, she found solace in the quiet expanse of the night sky. I remember countless nights spent with her, wrapped in blankets, our fingers tracing the celestial patterns above.

There was one thing my perfect Y/N was insecure about though— it was her cancer. The disease that was eating her life away. We found out about her cancer two years ago when routine check-ups turned into a series of alarming medical discoveries. It started with subtle signs—unexplained fatigue, an unexpected weight loss, and persistent, nagging pain that refused to be dismissed.

Y/N, always the optimist, initially brushed off these symptoms as the ordinary challenges of a hectic life. Yet, as the discomfort persisted, we both knew we couldn't ignore it any longer. Reluctantly, she agreed to consult with doctors, hoping for a quick resolution to what we assumed might be a passing ailment.

The first doctor's visit led to a battery of tests—blood work, scans, and biopsies. Each result was like a sentence in a suspenseful novel, unveiling a plot neither of us had anticipated. The diagnosis came with a heavy weight—the word "cancer" echoed in the sterile walls of the doctor's office, shattering our whole existence.

In that moment, Y/N's perfect world crumbled. The night sky, once a source of solace, seemed distant and indifferent. The constellations that once brought joy now hung in the balance of uncertainty. It was a cosmic irony that someone who cherished life so fully was now faced with a threat that sought to steal it away.

From that point on, our lives became a series of hospital visits, treatment plans, and emotional roller coasters but our hobby of stargazing has never really gone away. As the treatments were slowly taking a toll on her mental health, my beloved still found solace in the darkness of the night sky. The night sky, although temporarily dimmed by the challenges we faced, remained a constant, casting a soft glow on our weary hearts, reminding us that amidst the trials, some things endure.

Now as I sit on a hospital chair, holding my partner's wired hands, we wait for the shooting star to come by and give my wife a moment of celestial serenity amidst the sterile confines of the medical facility. The rhythmic beeping of machines and the antiseptic scent of the hospital faded into the background as we focused on the night sky beyond the window.

In that quiet moment, with the shooting star making its presence known, I find myself silently wishing, 'I wish for her sickness to go away.' Though I never believed in the power of wishes, I, for once, gather the courage to do the things that I accepted to be total bullshit. 

For Y/N, I was willing to do everything. And we did try everything. Every treatment, every hospital in the country, every doctor— the least they could do was numb the pain. Within those two years, the stars in her eyes began to dim. They lost their usual shimmer. Y/N stopped talking about the things she liked. Her once boundless energy was starting to reach its lowest. My beloved who was always the strongest of the two of us, for once, wanted to give up. 

And I allowed her to do so.

Not all stars can contain their glow; even the universe would one day come to an end. If she chooses to give up, who was I to stop her? In the depths of my soul, I battled with a selfish desire to cling desperately to the person I cherished, to deny her the choice of surrendering to the pain. But as I looked into her eyes, clouded with the heaviness of suffering, I couldn't muster the selfishness to keep her from the peace she sought. In those moments, love meant releasing her from the grasp of agony, even if it meant letting go of a future we once dreamt of together.

Months after she passed away, I stand alone under the night sky, continuing the tradition she cherished so much. Looking at the sky has become my way of connecting with her as if she’s still there, and it always works. The star I dedicated to her always stood out to me. Whenever I'm at my lowest, its radiant glow sends a silent message that in the darkest of nights, stars always shine the brightest.

As I gazed at a shooting star falling from the sky, I made one last wish. ‘Please take me to where she is,’

© hitorinorin | do not plagiarize or repost

[heyassbuttlmao]

"You put mostly okay on Benny? What is mostly okay doing hunting at all?" BITCH YOU ARE LITERALLY ALSO NOT OKAY STFU STFU STFU

[piccolina-mina]

Our girl is thriving this season, but what the fuck is this Wyatt plot? I need your thinks about this one. I just knew you'd be six posts in on this by now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*sighs* For fk's sake, nonny. I don't even like talking about it because I get ranty.

What do you want me to say? Honestly, everything you can imagine I would feel about this, you're probably right. Because you know, I'm that b*tch always getting ranty about racism and stuff.

In short, I hate it. I think it's unnecessary, tone-deaf, random, pointless, lowkey offensive, and illogical. I legitimately find it triggering AF. And it doesn't make sense.

It's Unnecessary. There is a fraction of a chance that it will connect to something more significant, but even if that's the case, I'm confident that end result or connection could've taken place without this random reform racist Wyatt storyline. This series has struggled enough as it is properly utilizing all of its primary characters as well as providing them with decent screentime and arcs. It literally makes no sense to spend any of that time that could be used elsewhere on primary characters on a recurring guest star.

This isn't actually about Rosa, it's about Wyatt. Following up on the previous point, this specific arc caters to Wyatt. Revolves around Wyatt. Rosa is just a passive participant and vessel for this Wyatt storyline. So again, the arc itself is about a recurring character. At least when they did something similarly bringing back Cam to siphon time and arcs away from its main cast they found ways to implement it better and tied her to multiple main characters, so it wasn't a total waste.

The intended Wyatt/Rosa parallel is illogical. I know what they're intending to do with this storyline, drawing parallels between Rosa's experience coming back from the dead after ten years and trying to make sense of that and atone for things before and having this second chance to make things right and go down the right path and so forth and Wyatt losing his memory and his racist ways and having to reconcile with who he was to who he can be and all of that. I understand the concept they're trying to sell. It just doesn't work. Rosa's addiction is not equivalent to Wyatt's racism and violence. Her mental illness isn't either. It's dangerous to invite the comparasions with this storyline.

It's not successful redemption. True redemption is Wyatt knowing and remembering his actions and then trying to atone for them. It's not the convenience of amnesia wiping out his memory only giving him distance from his actions rather than really facing up to them. Because of the amnesia, to Wyatt, it's like he's hearing about another person. It's a cop out. He doesn't Actually have to do the work to redeem himself or atone or learn or grow. IF we're supposed to compare it to Rosa, she knew what she did and remembers and knows how she hurt her loved ones or whatever and she's actively trying to make amends for that as part of her program... a program that Wyatt isn't working or anything BTW.

They've contradicted themselves too much and are rewriting their own work and thus twisting everything up just to make this storyline work and it still doesn't. The timeline is all fkd up... what they established already all of it..The Longs were racist before Kate's death. Kate was racist. To suggest that a 10+ amnesiac blackout clean slates and erases all of Wyatt's racism is just wrong. As in it literally doesn't even make any sense. That is not how the amnesia works but they keep playing both sides of it trying to make it work. To sell us what they're claiming, he would have to have ALL of his memories wiped and have forgotten who he was completely.

Wyatt is behaving like he's shocked by racism in this town but they're also trying to argue that he was born into it. Wyatt was surrounded by racists and his friends come from racist families but he's acting like the very concept of him ever being ingratiated in it is some huge surprise. Wyatt looks affronted by things like Confederate flags. Wyatt being steeped in and surrounded by racism predates his amnesia period.

Kyle mentioned that line about Wyatt putting Whites Only on water fountains, and it sounded like a school prank. It also sounded like something Kyle was reminding Rosa of as if she was alive when that incident happened. Therefore, Wyatt was doing racist stuff before she died. Kyle would've been out of school by then so how else would he know that or why would he bother retaining it?

IF Wyatt and Rosa really were friends before (which holy retcon), then it makes no real sense that he would get psychopathically angry about his "friend" who does drugs getting into a car accident with his sister who does drugs. He would've mourned them both not jumped to severe racism and violence. But both he and Jasmine's family (who are MIA for all of this) did that... jumped to racism. So was Wyatt indoctrinated by his family or indoctrinated by message boards and shit? And if Wyatt and Rosa were friends than why was Kate such a racist bitch to Rosa?

They're backdrafting history JUST to make this storyline that we don't need with a character who isn't even a main one to work.

By not actually addressing that Wyatt has to unlearn racism and giving him an out through amnesia, there is the very realistic issue of that latent racism to come out at any given time. What happens when he's drunk? What happens when he's really angry at a POC?

Tying Wyatt's redemption with his clear affection for Rosa is again dangerous and irresponsible. I know we would all like to think that love is the way and through love it can heal racism, but that puts the responsibility on the disenfranchised person to be "lovable." Because if Wyatt WAS friends with Rosa once then that means the second Rosa did something unlovable she was just another *insert racist slur of choosing* right? It means that there's a possibility that if his feelings for Rosa dwindle or things go sideways in some way there's a chance that he could revert back to those racist ways. Loving Rosa(linda) and pinning all of his wanting to be better on her because of her makes his actively learning to be anti-racist conditional. Right now he's not doing this for him. He's doing it because of Rosa.

This entire storyline has placed the burden of forgiveness on Rosa, his victim. Without him ever having to actually make amends. It's this turn the other cheek BS that means there's nothing too big or harmful that can't result in forgiveness. It relies on Rosa and all that she represents to extend an inhumane level of mercy and grace to their tormentor and oppressor that was never once extended to them. It's such a consistent and problematic thing projected on disenfranchised parties that ONLY benefits the majority and makes them feel good. It's a narrative of meeting someone halfway when the playing field was uneven and the minorities are in actuality doing more work and making a longer trek. Halfway and meeting in the middle only works if both sides were even. They are not. It's the reaching across the aisle both sidesms when one side was clearly and actively more harmful than the other and than calling that peace and equity. It is not.

This storyline was meant to scintillate some viewers with this "what if" notion and teach others a meaningful lesson or be this poorly thought out gateway to exploring a complex storyline but it came at the expense of other demographics who actively have to deal with racist crap. And because of their problematic approach what is simply "just entertainment" to some who has the luxury of not having to think about it beyond that, is just gross and insanely triggering and uncomfortable to others. The others who deal with the reality of the subject at hand.

They wrote themselves into a corner with Wyatt so trying to dig him out of that no matter the cost or logic is absurd. This storyline could've worked better if Wyatt's racism didn't also include conscious, constant, extreme violence. But they spent all of this time making Wyatt the face of violent racism and now are trying to redeem him with no real effort. He wasn't just using slurs or making microaggressions. He wasn't some insensitive or aloof white person. He is a murderer. He has killed people. He technically murdered Liz in cold-blood. He knew she was in the crashdown when he shot up the place. The lights were still on. He beat up Arturo so badly he nearly killed him well after his friends even stopped. He attacked and intended to kill Rosa. And his handiwork was a constant thing, enough for Jenna to comment on it. And now we're supposed to ignore all of that because he has amnesia and has puppy dog eyes?

The fact that we can entertain (and for some succeed) Wyatt in all of his hot white dudeness' redemption after everything he has done slips into the inherent racism of society in the first place and is enraging. Because systemically and culturally and inherently society will bend over backwards to find a way to absolve a hot white guy no matter his actions. Flint and Noah couldn't get this type of redemption... So their intended storyline about evolving from racism STILL plays into the racist structures set up in society.

And because some people like it, there's this slippery territory of NO everyone who genuinely enjoys this aren't racist for enjoying it. But yes, this entire storyline and how it is playing out is at the very least racially insensitive.

In order for this storyline to work they would actually have to show Wyatt doing the work. They don't have enough time to dedicate to such a delicate storyline. It's been a C and D filler storyline with 45 second to a minute scenes. That's not enough time to explore this properly. We would've needed to see Wyatt returning home from the hospital. We would've needed to see Wyatt with his friends and it not feeling right and his discomfort. We would've needed to see Wyatt going through his yearbook and googling himself and the horror and disgust he felt. We would need to see this through his eyes. But we didn't have the time for that and we wouldn't have anyway because he's not a main character. We only get Wyatt through Rosa's eyes and they haven't even dedicated enough time to that for it to work. Rosa isn't conflicted at all. She didn't struggle to forgive him. She was reduced to a school girl with a crush and an insane level of grace and they just threw that at us with no buildup whatsoever. I don't know where Rosa's head is and how she got to this to place. Not really. And the only thing working about this is the chemistry between two actors who are allegedly dating so of course there's chemistry.

It literally feels like another instance of a favorite actor being shoehorned into a storyline just for the hell of it. Just because they didn't want to let Dylan go or something. Just to give him something else to do.

[anniesocsandgeneralstore]

this is an idea i would never write....so if someone sees this and wants to write it feel free....just credit me okay? lol

but i've been thinking about a fic where when they killed Enchantress in 2016 suicide squad, they just banished her from June Moon's body and she immediately jumped into someone else's. I'm thinking like a 17-18 year old character/reader WHATEVER. So this character lives her entire young adult life with Enchantress possessing her and they sort of form this Eddie Brock/Venom relationship where Enchantress tries to take control but the character is like "excuse me bitch no" but they've also figured out a way to where both of them can "have a hand on the wheel" per say, to where the character can use the Enchantress powers with at least some control.

ANYWAY so Rick dies right? But he becomes a spooky ghost! And guess who is the only one who can see him? Enchantress possessed character! And I like the idea that the character has been living a semi normal life (i mean my guess is she spent a lot of time in mental hospitals, especially towards the beginning, and the like cause Enchantress talks inside her head all the time, hence the "SHUT UP BITCH") up until this point that she's seeing Rick. Like the has a normal office job and only has outbursts sometimes, but then Rick just sort of appears beside her desk and she's like "Oh holy shite who are you?"

So anyway long story short basically the plot would be they're like "okay, magic exists there has to be a way to bring you back to life, right?" So they're doing a whole buddy cop schtick but ya know, one of them is possessed and the other is a ghost. But it's also awkward cause Enchantress can remember what Rick looks like naked cause him and June Moon def did the dirty while Enchantress was just like...there in a sense lol So Enchantress, being the little shit that I've made her out to be in this, keeps just like showing these memories to the main character. So the main character can't tell if they're falling in love with Rick because real feelings or because Enchantress has this weird residual thing from when she was inside June Moon.

It ends with them finding a Big Magical Person (I know shit about DC Comics don't @ me) and THEY are just like "Oh yeah you main character have the power to bring him back" and they're just just like well this adventure was dumb and pointless but at least we semi like each other in a romantic way now. So the main character brings Rick back to life and it ends.

[iceshard1011]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Unrequited Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders Characters: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Orange Side (Sanders Sides) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Human, Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders And Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Angst, Car Accidents, Precognition, Abusive Parents, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Background Orange Side (Sanders Sides), Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Needs a Hug, Logic | Logan Sanders Is A Good (Boy)Friend, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is So Done, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), Mentions of various mental illnesses, (none of which any of the characters have) Summary:

"You know when people say your life flashes before your eyes? Well, it doesn’t. You don’t have time."

---

In which anyone who has ever hurt Remus immediately pays for it thanks to his menace of a brother.

4k word fic is below :)

Remus had always had rotten luck. Wherever he dared to have the audacity to step, utter chaos followed. Whether it was a punch to the nose from an asshole trying to mug him or a woman ranting at an accidental spill of coffee on her new shirt. Whether someone walked away with a soured attitude or broken leg, anyone who came in contact with Remus had their entire day — and sometimes their entire life — ruined, simply for looking at him the wrong way. Remus figured this recurring curse nipping at his heels was the reason he had no connections with his family, the reason no co-workers wanted to be around him, why no one in his classes stuck around long enough to know more than his name.

Oh, also, he was crazy.

If everything aforementioned wasn’t enough to push someone away, announcing that he had a voice that told him This person talks behind your back was a sure-fire way to send anyone scrambling.

At first, Remus thought it was normal. For a thirteen-year-old boy growing and changing and dealing with significantly more stress and grief than other people his age, hearing things like Your friends are toxic and This teacher sucks and You don’t need school didn’t seem so crazy.

Besides, he’d approached his parents exactly once about leaving school, and got his answer swiftly and harshly. He’d never asked again, too distracted with trying to help Mum when she came down with a sick spell for the next week and the way Dad’s car kept breaking down.

The thoughts didn’t cease.

It’s not wrong to like boys.

You’re not in love with your girlfriend.

You could anonymously key your English teacher’s car after school. The bitch deserves it.

Sometimes, Remus did stupid things like listen to the ridiculous thoughts that hummed in the back of his mind.

When he fled from the car, stuck in the middle of congested traffic just before a truck ploughed through the vein of vehicles and landed his father in hospital for days, his mother had slapped him upside the head and grounded him for far longer. Remus still wasn’t entirely sure why. He wondered if she blamed him for not warning them. He wasn’t sure if that was justified, as he hadn’t been thinking much else other than the GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT that had been ringing in his ears.

When the thoughts had mused, seemingly half-heartedly, that his father was going to trip down the flight of stairs if he went without his crutches, Remus’ attempt at a warning had earned him two weeks of dabbing foundation over the bridge of his cheek so no one at school would ask questions.

“Stop acting out!” his mum had screamed once as she pinned him to the wall, her nails digging into his throat and her expression blurry from his stinging eyes. “It won’t change anything!”

His parents’ breaking point was when Remus freaked out the entirety of his chemistry class when his mind insisted that the method the professor was teaching them was going to cause fire to catch on the hair of the girl at the far end of the classroom. He was called into the principal’s office during that class (escaped the smoke alarm going off and the screaming from someone who was going to have an unexpected style change, which was good) and then again at the end of school, with the addition of his parents, neither who were very happy about it.

It was then that he revealed, in a humiliated mumble, about the odd thoughts that continued to prove to have some truth.

The money for a doctor got on his parents’ nerves. He stopped visiting the therapist before any diagnosis could be determined.

Remus did his own research. Schizophrenia, bipolar, DID, OSDD, OCD, every relevant acronym and mental illness under the sun, yet nothing answered all of his questions. There weren’t any odd dreams, multiple voices weren’t clogging his mind, he didn’t feel out of place in his own body, he never saw anything that wasn’t really there.

Nothing explained the odd precognitions the voice gave him, the strange accusatory claims made of the people around Remus who he personally thought he was quite fond of, the baffling times where the voice tried to talk to him like it was any other casual conversation. Even things like how Remus was told not to cross that section of the road, or was mentioned a pretty-looking butterfly behind Remus that he hadn’t even seen yet.

Nothing ticked all the boxes. Nothing gave him all the answers.

Remus was in college, low grades, a shitty apartment, few friends who hated his boyfriend and a boyfriend who hated his few friends, when he reached his own breaking point with himself.

His boyfriend walked into the apartment, expression bored and eyes uninterested. Remus smirked over at him.

“You get my deodorant?” he asked, standing from the couch.

He didn’t, the voice said.

“No,” said Neroli. Remus wasn’t disappointed.

“I guess you’ll have to deal with the consequences of not entertaining me, then,” he said with a sharp grin, gripping Neroli’s shirt and tugging him down for a kiss. His boyfriend responded, suitably fervently. Remus was just getting to the point of reaching for his boyfriend’s belt when the voice growled, quietly, as if it hadn’t meant for Remus to hear, Cheating bastard.

It startled Remus so badly he yanked back from Neroli like he’d been scalded. He earned a bemused look from his boyfriend.

“Why, uh— why didn’t you drop by the shops?” Remus asked, hating himself for considering listening to the menace inside his head. Neroli shrugged dully, moving into the kitchen. He peered into the fridge.

“Got caught up.”

“With what?” Remus blurted, then screamed at himself for opening his mouth. Neroli shot him a dirty look.

“What, do you expect me to explain every second of my day to you?” he asked irritably.

“Only the fun parts.” Remus shot him another suggestive, toothy grin. It was ignored.

Don’t listen to it, whispered Remus to himself. Don’t listen to it.

Ask him where he was on the night you were studying with Logan, the voice said in reply. Remus growled and shook his head. The voice persisted; Ask.

“You look distracted,” Neroli noted, but he sounded detached.

“Maybe I’m thinking about you under the sheets,” Remus said.

Neroli didn’t entertain him.

“Maybe you’re cheating on me,” said Remus with another grin, waiting for Neroli to give him a reaction. His boyfriend merely glanced over at him with a considering look.

“Actually,” he said, and Remus’ heart dropped against his will, “I’m going to my friend’s place. I made plans with her instead of getting groceries.” He walked past Remus and took his car keys from the entry table.

Remus still remembered the way he had felt nauseous, and the ferocious feeling that had washed over him that somehow felt like the voice sounded when Neroli had said, “By the way, I’m breaking up with you,” without so much as a glance over his shoulder. “And I want you gone from the apartment by the time I come back.”

Remus had found himself with his head in his hands on the couch for the next few hours, going through the motions. He didn’t cry. He hadn’t cried for a long time. He had felt numb, even as the voice had murmured apology after apology.

Eventually, Remus had got himself and his things together and moved from the place, a worn backpack all to show for his possessions. He had ignored the voice ordering him to find somewhere to eat, some shelter to sleep, the demands to call his friends and ask for help.

Remus had spent the night of Christmas Eve shivering on a park bench, bag for a pillow and his own arms as a blanket.

(He couldn’t deny that it was his fault when Neroli got into a car crash on his way back to his apartment that morning.)

Over the following years, with more scenarios such as that, Remus learned that it was best if people knew he was insane. If they knew that, if they knew he heard things, and caused horror everywhere he went, they would stay away. If people stayed away, they saved themselves from a bad time and Remus from having to watch anyone he’d gotten attached to leave.

He was sick of people leaving.

Somehow, amongst this mindset, he hadn’t quite managed to shake a scattered few of his old college friends.

Logan, a nerd with a prime attitude and punchable face and also the least emotionally available person Remus had encountered, was somehow one of Remus’ main sources of support. He had taken up tutoring Remus, against Remus’ better judgement, and he had constantly offered his own house as a place for Remus whenever he needed it. Not that Remus ever accepted any of this, mind you.

The only problem was — Logan was feisty. Almost as feisty as Janus, and just as feisty as Roman. His stubbornness matched Remus’ and it was near impossible to shake the guy from an idea once he was fixed on it.

It was kind of endearing.

(It was also very difficult, given Remus’ goal in life had become to stop hurting people he cared about.)

Logan also rambled a whole lot, which Remus liked. It drowned out the voice, still present after all these years. It had quietened considerably, if Remus thought about it. It seemed to have a strange opinion on Logan. Remus ignored it, nonetheless.

This particular afternoon, Remus found that he couldn’t keep ignoring the cursed phenomenon following him.

“Are you paying attention?” Logan asked.

Remus smirked, keeping his eyes on the path in front of him. He kicked the stone again, and it skittered up the pathway then waited like a faithful dog for Remus to catch up. “More or less. Meteorology, right?”

He could tell Logan was looking at him. He probably looked outwardly annoyed, but there would be an amused spark behind the rim of his glances that never escaped Remus. “More or less.”

Remus bobbed his head. “Then yeah, I was listening.”

Logan hummed in agreement but didn’t resume the conversation. They walked in companionable silence along the street path, accompanied merely by the padding of their shoes and the tap-tap-tap of Remus’ stone. The road beside them was quiet.

“Remus?” asked Logan.

“Hm?” Remus said.

Tap-tap.

“Why don’t you come to my house tonight?” Logan asked. “It is New Year’s Eve. The others will be there. I would like for you to have some company.”

Oh, I have company, grumbled Remus. And it won’t shut up.

The voice, as if to solely prove him wrong, remained silent. Remus may have felt some indignation on its behalf, however.

Tap-tap-tap.

“Maybe,” said Remus, which meant No.

“Please,” Logan said, because he knew.

“Logan,” sighed Remus, “you know how I—”

“Yes,” Logan interjected. “I know it distresses you to have companionship, but truly, it is not such the awful venture that you have convinced yourself it is.”

Remus sighed again, his shoulders sagging. He stopped walking and edged away from Logan, no longer happy to be alone with him. He didn’t know what to say.

He was too busy formulating some semblance of a reply to pay attention to the rising anxiety in the back of his mind and the distantly increasing screeching sound.

By the time the speeding car spun around the corner across the road, he was too slow to react.

MOVE, the voice screamed.

Remus couldn’t.

Logan might have shouted, but he sounded like he’d moved — further away from where he had been standing. Probably to somewhere safe. That was good, at least. Logan had something to offer the world, with that big brain of his.

The car skidded across the road, moving too fast to regain control. It sped forward, wheels rolling along the path, barreling towards the spot Remus was standing.

MOVE, his voice was shrieking. Crying. Begging.

Remus didn’t.

The car, by some logic, didn’t hit Remus.

The car didn’t hit Remus, because it hit something — Remus didn’t see what, and later Logan would agree — first, and flipped like a goddamn pencil being flung across a bored classroom. The hunk of metal flew into the air, the bottom turning to the sky and the roof glinting down at Remus beneath it—

And crashed to the asphalt metres away from where Remus was standing, completely unharmed.

He and Logan stood there, speechless, for a very long time.

The police, once having caught up to the hit-and-run escapee, deemed it an accident on the driver’s behalf. Remus and Logan were dismissed from the scene without being asked any questions. Remus hadn’t spoken a word since it had happened, anyway. Logan had been the one to text their friends and talk to the officers. He had then guided Remus back to his apartment, where the others were already hanging out. They greeted Remus at first but left him alone once being waved away by Logan. He was brought into Logan’s bedroom and set on the bed.

“Now,” Logan said without wasting a beat. “What. Was. That.”

Remus blinked up at him. He worked his jaw. Nothing came out.

Some expositional bullshit? he mentally asked hopefully. The only answer he got was what vaguely felt like the embodiment of a winded wheeze of an exhausted runner. Fantastic help.

“I would like some answers, Remus,” Logan said, and he looked almost angry. “Odd things have happened in your presence before but nothing like this. I watched a car run into nothing and flip as if it had crashed into a row of bollards. You otherwise would have been flattened. You should be dead, or at least in the hospital.” Cool hands cupped Remus’ cheeks, and steel blue eyes bored into him. “I am eternally grateful that that is  not  what has happened, but I need answers.”

Remus tried to talk but didn’t. Logan pulled back and began to pace.

“We already checked the surrounding area,” he began to mutter. “There was no lip on the pavement, nothing to cause such a graphic result. The car’s wheels aside from being burned from skidding were not damaged. I don’t understand what—”

“I’m cursed,” Remus finally croaked. Logan paused to look at him. “It’s me, I—”

“No,” Logan said. “You have tried to tell me this nonsense before, I will not—”

“It’s true,” Remus said vigorously. “It has happened for years, Logan. Every time something mildly inconveniences me, everything goes to shit. Someone on the other end of the street could look at me the wrong way and suddenly they’re tripping over their untied shoelaces and dropping their groceries into the road. My boss doesn’t give me enough hours and suddenly she’s firing the co-worker I hate and giving me their pay. I don’t understand it, Logan, but you can’t keep denying it.”

“Remus—”

“There’s a voice,” he blurted, because he never had much of a filter. “There’s this voice, too. It’s the same one, but I can’t really hear it, you know? Imagine a single intrusive thought, but it’s always saying different things and some of them aren’t even bad.”

Logan now looked concerned. “Remus—”

“It acts like it’s my friend. Like we’re old pals looking out of each other. I hate it, Logan! It’s the reason no one wants to be around me! It’s the reason I can’t trust anyone I meet, because either they’re going to find about me and leave or the voice will tell me something about them that I don’t want to know but it’ll end up being true—”

“Remus.” Logan was crouched in front of him, his hands squeezing his shoulders. “Please breathe. We will work this out.”

“You can’t,” Remus told him. “I have already gone to every doctor, every psychiatrist. The moment I was free of my parents I went to every damn qualified person in this place, for years, and none of them know what it is.

“I went to a goddamn psychic, Logan.” Remus laughed wetly, shaking his head. “That’s how desperate I was. Dumb, right?”

“You are not dumb,” Logan said, and he said it with so much ferocity that it took Remus a moment to realise the voice had said the same thing, much quieter. “You’re troubled. You’re— you just need to find the right answers.”

“I don’t even know what questions I’m asking, anymore,” Remus said, and hated how broken he sounded. He pressed his forehead to Logan’s chest when he stood. “So I don’t know what answers we’re talking about.”

“We’ll figure out something,” promised Logan. “I promise.”

Remus closed his eyes, so tears wouldn’t get past. They stayed like that until Patton tentatively knocked on the door to ask them if they wanted to count down for the new year.

They did. They counted down, and cheered, and danced and sang and Remus drank until he passed out on the couch, snuggled between Janus and Logan. He didn’t even mind waking up the next morning with a throbbing headache.

Virgil referred Remus to his therapist, a cheery moron with an obsession with pink and cartoons. He seemed less focused on diagnosing Remus and simply talking. He referenced a lot of things Remus didn’t know. The voice seemed to like him — not that Remus cared about its opinions. Remus thought that maybe he liked talking to him.

Somewhere along the line, Remus and Logan started dating. Remus wasn’t sure how it had happened, either. He was fairly sure they had been reading on the carpet, and then the next moment they were pressed against the wall, down each other’s throats, so… Remus wasn’t exactly  complaining.

There were bad days, where the voice hadn’t even done anything wrong and yet Remus clawed at his skull. Bad days, where he and Logan fought for real, which scared Remus (he wasn’t easy to scare, either.) At one point, Janus had picked a fight with the wrong group of people and got himself a concussion, which he recovered from fine, but sent Remus to bed with nightmares of blank eyes and bloodied skin for weeks after.

Eventually the dreams stopped, but Remus knew he hadn’t completely recovered when he found himself in the bathroom of an empty apartment, watching white porcelain run red.

Stop it. Remus still had little to no clue how so much as a voice could sound as if it was an aggravated wolf pacing in a tiny metal cage. You need to stop.

Don’t tell me what to do, Remus thought.

Don’t make me stop you myself.

Yeah, Remus thought with a scoff to himself. Good luck with that.

Remus. Please.

Remus shook himself, as if he could physically shake the voice from his head and continued. The voice went quiet.

Time passed, peacefully, blissfully quiet. The sink was stained further.

Remus was almost letting himself relax, but then the door slammed open, somehow, in the middle of the empty apartment, and Logan was standing in the doorway, looking furious, in the empty apartment.

“You said you were fine,” said Logan. Remus felt like a child caught with his hand stuck in the cookie jar. Crusty, bloody cookies. “You. Said—” Logan crossed the room and gripped Remus’s slick wrist in his— “that you were fine.”

“I am!” Remus protested. “I’m just—”

“You are NOT!” Logan roared. Remus flinched back. Logan stilled, then paled. Remus squinted at his far away gaze and wondered in horror why Logan looked as if he was listening to something. “I’m sorry for yelling,” he said quietly, “but you are not okay.”

Remus scowled and looked down at the sink he had ruined.

Logan hummed softly. “I’m going to call your therapist.” Remus whirled on him. “Just to book an earlier appointment, okay? I know you don’t like anyone helping you clean up.”

Remus scowled again. Logan brushed a cool hand across his chin and kissed his cheek. He pulled the medical kit from the cupboard and unpacked the bandages and antiseptic. He instructed Remus he was going to leave the door open. Remus silently got to work cleaning himself up.

Once Logan was out of sight (though Remus could hear him in the kitchen), Remus thought accusatorily, What did you do?

The voice said, without an ounce of regret or pride, I stopped you.

Stop interfering with my life. Whatever-the-fuck you are.

Somewhere, you’ve confused ‘protecting’ with ‘interfering.’

Remus threw the bottle of antiseptic across the room. It smashed against the wall and spilled across the bathtub. “SHUT UP,” he roared.

“Remus?” Logan called.

Get the fuck away from me, Remus growled before Logan hurried into the room.

“What is it?”

Remus shook his head. He couldn’t answer. He never did.

One night, Remus sat on the edge of his bed, staring across the room. The wall was bare. It let him concentrate on what he was thinking. For once, he started talking first.

You’re not a guardian angel.

No.

You’re not a demon, unfortunately.

Certainly not.

Then what the hell are you?

As usual every time Remus asked, the voice did not give him an answer. Remus ground his teeth until his jaw ached.

If there was one thing Remus had been certain of in the duration of his entire life thus far, it was that the voice in his head was nothing but trouble. Irritating, infuriating, no-good trouble. It only ever ruined his relationships, got him into sticky situations, told him things that he didn’t  want  to hear, even if it seemed to think it would help.

The first time the voice was helpful, Remus also felt like his entire mindset had been flipped.

Remus and Logan had been fighting. Worse than usual. Logan was blinking faster than he normally would. Remus was chewing his lip to bloody tatters. He wasn’t sure who had yelled, or what had been yelled, but suddenly it was silent. Logan and Remus stared at each other. Then Logan inhaled shakily and turned.

Remus’ arm shot out and gripped Logan’s wrist. Logan shot him a dark look, but Remus couldn’t explain himself. His voice had completely abandoned him. He worked his jaw. Logan’s eyebrows drew further together.

Remus, for the love of the clovers we picked and weaved as children, kiss him dizzy before I send you both through the window in a fit of pent up frustration-driven rage.

Their lips clashed and locked in a startling display of star-danced vision and warm hands linked at the fingers.

Remus forgot about the voice, about the curse. He forgot about every time he had let someone in only to be hurt, every boyfriend who had taken his heart in their hands and clenched their fists. He forgot every time he and Logan had fought; every time Remus had told himself that it was all a mistake. He even forgot about the constant buzz in the back of his head.

For once in Remus’ life, his mind was quiet.

It was that night, with Logan’s body pressed against his side, staring up at the ceiling, that Remus wordlessly reached for the voice in his head. Somehow, even though he felt nothing and heard no voice, it seemed as if his hand had been grasped.

Remus lay there and maybe for the first time, wasn’t entirely sure he hated the voice in his head.

The voice didn’t remain silent after that night, but it did quieten slightly. Remus made no move to communicate with it.

One day, though, when it was storming outside and Remus needed a distraction because his wrists were itching and his eyes were seeing blood every time he blinked, he spoke.

“You picked clovers.”

We did.

“You did,” Remus corrected, not quite ready to have it spelled out for him.

Yes, said the voice quietly after a moment.

“You’re a voice.”

I have a voice, yes.

“In my head.”

Well, technically—

Remus clenched his fists, frustrated. It seemed to get his point across.

Yes. I suppose.

For a moment, they were both silent. Remus didn’t outright state what he was thinking, but he wondered if something with connections to his mind could work it out.

I can try and prove it, the voice said dubiously. Remus didn’t reply. Lightning flashed outside, accompanied by a low rumble that ratted the house.

Then, from within the bedroom, a low creeeeeak.

Remus looked around dully, too apathetic to be disturbed. His eyes widened, however, when he watched the bedside table’s top drawer sliding open.

“That was locked,” he said. He stood up, his heart beginning to lodge itself in his throat. He staggered around the bed towards the drawer. “No, wait— Not even Logan can get in there— Stop it!”

Something, somehow, slipped from the drawer. Remus practically dove for it before it could crack against the floor and shatter irreparably.

“What do you think you’re—” Remus’ voice swallowed itself back into his chest when he made the mistake of looking down at the picture frame. He snarled against his lumpy throat and tore his eyes from the pair of younger, happier, brighter twins printed on paper. He shoved it back in its drawer and slammed it closed. He pulled himself up to lean against it.

The thunder rumbled again. Remus needed something to ground himself.

“You never told me who you were.” His voice cracked.

A pause.

You never asked, the voice said weakly. Remus felt something inside him erupt.

“What sort of BULLSHIT REASON—”

There was a knock at the bedroom door. “Rem?” called Janus’ voice.

Remus shook his head. “Just— give me a second. I need to uh—” he laughed nonchalantly, “yell at my thoughts for a bit.”

Janus sounded hesitant when he slowly said, “Okay,” but he didn’t press anything.

Remus listened to his fading footsteps and muffled conversation before whirling around as if he were actually facing someone and hissing venomously, “You are very lucky you’re incorporeal otherwise I’d— I’d—”

Kill me over again? the voice supplied.

Remus broke down. Completely against his will, if he had been able to add his own input between the sobs tearing from his throat.

I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, bad wording, horrible word choice, I—

“Why didn’t you SAY ANYTHING?” Remus roared.

What would you have liked me to say? That apparently one accident is enough for a spirit to form and develop a connection with their only blood relative?

“Better that than all this— this— mysterious bullshit my entire life!”

You already thought you were crazy! Roman yelled, a little hysterically. How do you think that would have helped? ‘Oh hello, don’t mind me, just your dead brother’s ghost haunting you through your grief.’

Remus wasn't sure how he’d never noticed it before — maybe he wasn’t paying enough attention, maybe now that he knew he was actively listening for it, or maybe he had even subconsciously suppressed thoughts like the one he was about to admit to himself — but now if he listened, really listened, he could hear Roman in the voice. The way his voice would get higher when upset, and the baritones of his indignation.

Remus didn’t realise he was sobbing harder until he heard both Logan and Roman’s voices overlapping, concern and worry swimming in his head.

Please breathe, Remus, you’re working yourself into a panic attack.

Like you would know anything about that, Remus said.

I would, retorted Roman’s voice, without fire.

“What is it, dear?” Logan was asking, his cool hands tracing Remus’ face. “What’s happened?”

Remus looked up at him, tears rolling down his cheeks, and said with a wet laugh, “I’ve worked out what the asshole voice is all about.”

Logan had led Remus into the kitchen and pressed a warm mug into his hands. Remus had absentmindedly wiggled the cup, watching the dark liquid inside ripple. After making sure Remus was recovering, Logan had ducked from the room to talk to Janus.

“Tell me,” Remus growled quietly. He didn’t elaborate. He knew that he was understood. Still, everything was quiet.

You know when people say your life flashes before your eyes?

Remus did. He didn’t say as much, but he did.

Well, it doesn’t. You don’t have time.

Remus tried not to think about how little time there would have been. How scary it could have looked, could have felt. His clasped hands turned white at the knuckles. “What did you think about?”

A sizable pause, but not one without the comforting ever-constant buzzing hum of the voice’s presence.

You, was the final admission, with no preamble. Logan, too, I think. Our family must have a thing for hot nerds, eh?

“You had a crush on Logan,” Remus said hollowly.

Only a little one.

“That’s… That doesn’t help.”

Sorry. He sounded genuinely apologetic.

“You’ve been fucking with me for years and you don’t seem to have much to apologise for it,” Remus mused.

Sorry, Roman said again, sounding even more like a remorseful kicked puppy.

Remus sighed long and low. His mug tapped roughly against the table as he shoved it away from him to bury his face in his hands. “I can’t believe any of this.”

He wasn’t sure that thinking the weird phantom warmth was  ghosting  over his shoulders was going to do anything good for his deteriorating sense of control over his emotions.

Tell me what to do, said Roman. Please.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut. He swallowed.

“Stay,” was all he could say. “Just. For a while.”

Unfortunately or not, you’re going to be stuck with me for quite a while.

Remus sniffed.

Very unfortunate, he agreed with a hint of a smile.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #461

“this city looks so pretty, do you wanna burn it with me?”

Have you ever wanted a Nikon camera? Or do you have one already? My camera before the one I have now was a Nikon D3200. I use a Canon now. Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? A friend. Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I have it, but I barely use it nowadays. I use it to edit photos for character profiles or profile pictures, add a watermark for my actual photography, and I used to make Mark-oriented gifs like crazy. They mostly did really well, so... I might wanna get back into that and get That Sweet Validation. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? No. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? None, I think. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression. Can you tolerate children for a long period of time? NO. Have you ever lived with someone you felt thoroughly uncomfortable around? No. Are you into dubstep? Yeah, I tend to enjoy it. Zelda or The Sims games? Can I pick neither? lol I don't feel very much at all for The Sims, and Zelda games have always looked... boring to me? Like I've watched most of the Game Grumps' playthroughs of all the games, and they make it hilarious of course, but the games themselves? Nah. Are you terrible at assigning bands their proper genre? YES YES YES YES YES YES. Even in my preferred category, that being metal, FUCK if I know the sub-genre. Have you ever made out in a closet? No, that shit sounds claustrophobic as hell. Have you ever been to a laser tag place? Yeah, on a triple-date once! It was SO fun. How do you wanna celebrate your next birthday? Have a couple friends over, pig out at The Cheesecake Factory. o3o Do you tease your parents about them being old? No, especially not Mom. She's self-conscious about getting older. Are you in love with someone? "In love" is a bit too far, buddy. But I love someone. Have you ever ridden a unicycle? No. Have you ever wanted a pet bunny? I was VERY serious about getting a lop-eared bunny for quite a while, but we just couldn't afford to adopt one (even off Craigslist) and get a cage for it, toys, etc. Are the bottom of your feet clean? I HATE seeing the bottom of my feet. Not because they're dirty, but because it's Callus City. I ain't even fuckin jokin'. Do you like really salty food? Yeah. :x When’s the last time you bled a lot? Well, I just recently finished my cycle after not menstruating for three or four MONTHS, so you can figure that one out. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? Yeah. I like to know exactly when it's coming. Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yes to both. When you’re done eating finger foods, do you usually lick your fingers? Usually kasdjlf;kalsdjf shut up ok I like food. What’s the most racist thing you have ever said? As a little kid, when my really good friend (a neighborhood kid, even) asked if he thought we'd be a good couple, I told him no because "blacks and whites don't date" or something like that. It was an idea I'd never been exposed to before; the idea was so foreign to little kid me. I had no idea I was being racist. It ended in a small fight and we didn't talk for a few days 'til he came to my house telling Mom that he had to "be a man" and fix this and if that ain't the cUTEST SHIT RIGHT THERE. We were friends again after that. He's still on my Facebook, and he actually semi-recently got married! :') Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? No. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? No. Does weed smell good? Or no? Ugh, no. Where do you see your closest friend in ten years? Successful and happy she kept pushing. Mama to so many reptiles that are blessed with the best lives possible in human care. Got at least one amazing book out there. If she's reading this, you've fucking got this. <3 Would you like to have twins? Mother of fucking god, no. Even if I WANTED kids, do fucking not give me twins. Who was the last person you got into an argument with? My mom. Want to have kids before you’re 30? Once again, I don't want kids, but IF I did, that'd be preferable before the risk of birth defects and other issues climb with age. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? My older sister has my initial. Do you think somebody’s in love with you? No. Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in ten years? Yes, I genuinely do. Who were the last people to hang out at your house? Miss Tobey, our friend and landlord. Does anyone like you? Welp... I hope he still does. Guess we'll figure that out soon. What person on your Facebook do you talk to the most? VIA Facebook? Probably my friend Lyndsey. She likes to comment on stuff I share. Do you want to fall in love? I do, but I'm also utterly horrified to and risk being hurt again. Are you interested in more than one person at the moment? No. Once I realized I was so deeply into Girt, all other romantic feelings kinda just... poofed. How was your last break up? Civil and done with both of our best interests in mind. What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say? Probably the first time I admitted I needed to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was so, so scared of what it was going to be like. What is the hardest thing you NEEDED to hear? That if Jason wasn't happy with me, he had every right to move on. She was right. Do you treat yourself well? No... but I'm trying to change that. What was the last song you sang out loud to? This "Set Fire to the Rain" cover. Do you take good pictures? I think I do? Have you ever done any internship? No. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? Holy shit, so much, especially when it comes to morality and political stances. I am now a massive supporter and member of the LGBTQ+ community, I'm pro-trans rights, pro-choice... I've done like a dozen 180s in a lot of topics. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? I mean, some doctors, but no one in my truly personal life. Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Yes: my cousin. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? LAKSDJFKLA;JWD NEVER AND I PRAY TO THE HOLY LORD THAT I NEVER DO. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? Not massively? Like literally everyone gets them and is natural and inevitable. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? I know one alcoholic, and one that's probably borderline. I also have two friends who are extremely addicted to weed. Look me in the eyes and say it's not an addictive substance and I wouldn't believe you one bit. Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? Eh, sometimes World of Warcraft. Some days I'm really into it, and others I barely touch it. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? I have no clue. I don't even remember movies that were made *for* Disney exclusively. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. We have a friend from the dance studio mow the lawn. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? My iPod has a whole live album of Ozzy. Did you or do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Both did and do. Britney is a boss bitch. Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Male. Have you seen the movie Moulin Rouge? No, but I've seen some of that P!nk music video of the song and it brings out the Gay in me. Do you have a key to anything besides your house? No. Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? I've done that before. I miss doing puzzles... Have you ever been to any sort of convention? I went to a reptile expo with Sara!! I REALLY want to go to another when my legs are stronger and can handle standing and walking so much. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom. Have you ever tried to walk on a moving vehicle and fallen over? No????? What is your favourite kind of bread? Is there any of that in your house? Pumpernickel. No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I played the flute all through middle school and I wanna say half of HS. Have you ever ordered an unusual drink at a bar? Never even been to one. Have you ever been pulled aside by security at the airport? I think once for some reason I don't recall? What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times) Gingerbread men, probs. Or chocolate bunnies!!! :') How do you feel right now? My stomach is KILLING me. I'm super excited though that Girt is coming over tomorrow. Have you ever had surgery that kept you in the hospital for over a day? No. What would you like your generation to change? How we treat nature. Is there anyone that you truly could not live without? No. I learned that is a very unhealthy mentality to have. Do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? I just hate carrots. What restaurant did you last go out to dinner at with friends? With friends? I couldn't even guess. Does your refrigerator have an ice maker or do you use ice cube trays? It has an ice maker. Do you have a favorite sibling, if any? No; I love them all. Do you have a favorite brand of clothing? I STAN CLOAK. How’s the love life? Something new might start tomorrow. I think it will. Do you watch the news? No; that shit is depressing. Who do you admire most? Mark. Do you have a favorite album? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne takes the cake and always will.

[queen-of-the-avengers]

Words Can’t Describe...

Characters: Chris Evans x Reader, minor characters

Word Count: 1,651

Warnings: just fluff, super sweet Chris, skiing injury

Summary: You and Chris are high school sweethearts. You’ve been through every up and downs there are, and right now, you need him for a really big down.

Author’s Note: If you have any requests, please send them in! This is unbeta’d and any and all mistakes are all on me. 

This is the December 15th fic for my 25 Days of RPF Christmas and prompt: “you’re in the hospital for the holidays so i came in while you were sleeping to decorate your room i love you merry christmas”

I am doing an 800 Follower Challenge and it would be awesome if you participated! It’s still going on!

Feedback the glue that holds my writing together

Tags at the bottom

Chris Evans became a lot of your firsts in life: first kiss, first time you had sex, first time you slowed dance together, first date, and so many more firsts you hold dearly to your heart. He is your high school sweetheart, and everyone who knew you two knew you would be together forever. Being with someone since high school is so much more intimate than anything you’ve ever experienced. Chris knows your ups and downs, has seen you at your worst and at your best, knows what you like and what you don’t like, etc. Some might think it’s annoying to have someone who knows you so well, but it works for you two.

There isn’t a holiday you haven’t spent apart except for the summer of 2009 when he went to film The Losers that came out in April of 2010. You couldn’t spend the 4th of July with him which sucked, but he was happy doing what he loves on yet another film set. You’re so proud of what he’s accomplished and the person he’s become. He’s been through so much and has gotten you through so much in your life, you don’t think you can ever repay him.

There was one time at Thanksgiving when you were supposed to cook the meal for your entire family. Chris’ and your family were coming over to your house for the big celebration. You love hanging out with his family since they are so welcoming and inviting, but there was one small issue you forgot to mention to them when they appointed you the cook: you can’t cook.

You thought you would try it this year to prove to your family you’re more than capable of living on your own. They always did the grunt work for you, but it’s your time to do things for yourself. Chris usually does the cooking, but he’s out with his friends right now, and you don’t want to pull him away from that. He doesn’t get to see them often, so you have to pull yourself together if you’re going to cook this dinner.

Seven pots and pans, one burned ham, and several fried asparagus later, and you’re about to have a mental breakdown in the middle of your kitchen. Chris is coming home soon, yours and his family not long after that, and you’re not even close to being done. The turkey is the only thing you know how to cook since you slather on some spices and throw it in the oven. It’s the only thing you know how to not fuck up.

“Y/N, you home?” Chris asked when he entered the house. He could smell the food burning, but he knows how important this is to you so he decided not to comment on it.

“In here,” you whimpered. Chris enters and sees you in tears at the ruined food all around you. “I can’t do it. I fucked everything up, the turkey is in the oven, but I bet it’s fucked up too.”

“Hey, there is no reason to get upset. Not everyone knows how to cook,” he cooed and brought you into his arms for a reassuring hug.

“Our families are going to be here soon! What am I going to do? They expect a full feast when they get here!”

“Then that’s what they’re going to come home to. We can fix this,” he said positively. You give him a pointed look with a raised eyebrow. “Okay, I can fix this. Just clear out some of these pans and I’ll do the rest.”

“I can’t even cook a simple meal,” you sighed and started clearing out some of the dishes.

“Not everyone can. You’re good at a lot of things, just not cooking. But that’s okay because lucky for you, I love cooking. I’ll even let you help me. Don’t worry, I’ll be right here to oversee everything.”

“I love you,” you managed to smile.

“I love you too. Now, we have two hungry families coming over, so we need to get started right away.”

He saved that Thanksgiving and prevented it from becoming ruined for good. Both families arrived to a table full of food. It was a bitch to clean up, but you and Chris had fun. He’s saved your ass so many times, but you have your fair share of saving as well. Like, for instance, two years ago, Chris got pulled over for speeding and was arrested for it. Luckily this didn’t get out to any news outlet, so you were able to keep it on the down-low. He called you from the station to help him get bail, which of course, you did.

Chris looked so beaten up in the tiny holding cell he’s been sitting in for the past two hours. You were pulled from a work event to come get him, but you were glad to be pulled away. That work event was such a snooze fest. As soon as he saw you, his eyes lit up in hope you would come get him, but you could still see the shame behind that.

“Do you realize how fast he was driving?” the officer in charge told you once you greeted him. “70 in a 45. I should have him arrested for a federal offense.”

“No, please. Look, I know what he did was bad, but no one got hurt. Isn’t that the most important thing? At least he wasn’t driving on a crowded street. It was a back road, and there wasn’t a car around for miles.”

“Y/N,” the officer sighed.

“Please let him go. He’s not off the hook, believe you me. He’s sleeping on the couch tonight. Look, he won’t do it again. I’ll make sure of it,” you promised. Anyone who knows you knows that you can be stern and mean if you wanted to, which usually meant you got what you wanted.

“If I pull him over again, then I’m arresting him and he’ll have to go to court,” the officer sighs and takes out his keys.

“Yes, that’s fine. He won’t do it again. Thank you so much,” you sighed in relief. The officer let out your boyfriend with a glare, and you had to drag Chris out of the police station angrily.

“How did you get him to let me go?”

“That’s my uncle you dumbass. 70 in a 45? What the hell were you thinking?” you gritted out as both of you got into the car.

That was a tough situation to be in since you didn’t want to use the family excuse to have him let go scot-free. The good news is that Chris never sped again and has been a really good driver ever since. That, and you did most of the driving anyway. There’s a ton of other things you and Chris have gone through, but what you’re going through now has got to be the worst of the worst.

He took you skiing a few weeks ago, and you ended up hurt pretty badly. So badly, that you had to stay in the hospital for two months, which means you will be missing Christmas. It’s your favorite holiday since you have a ton of kids on your mom’s side that you love spoiling. It’s not Chris’ fault you wiped out so badly, but you’re angry with yourself that you thought you could do something you knew your body wasn’t ready for. You wanted to show off for Chris and look where you ended up.

It’s bad enough you’ll be missing Christmas with your family, but Chris got called to do some interviews and press events over the holiday. If it was any other time, he would have said no, but you made him take it since you’re going to be stuck in the hospital for a long time. You’ve been in and out of sleep for the past few weeks from the morphine they are giving you, so you’re not exactly sure who’s been coming and going, and who drops off what. What you do know is that when you went to sleep your room looked like a normal hospital room.

When you woke up, it was a whole different story.

Different colored Christmas lights hung from the ceiling, a small plastic tree with fake snow littered the top. The tree was decorated with white lights and small Christmas decorations. Christmas stickers are plastered on the windows, and a small section of the corner was covered with presents.

“What the hell?” you mumble.

“You’re up,” Chris grins from the other side of the room. It takes a few seconds for you to register that he's here, and a grin pops on your face because of it.

“You’re back. I thought you were in Florida.”

“I was, but I came back here. I hate leaving you on such an important holiday so I canceled everything that was planned to spend Christmas here with you.”

“You did that for me?” you squeak. “You did all of this for me?”

“You’re in the hospital for the holidays, so I came in while you were sleeping to decorate your room. I love you. Merry Christmas,” he smiles and plants a kiss to your smooth cheek.

“I love you so much,” you start to cry.

“No, don’t cry.”

“These are happy tears. I don’t know what I would do without you. I can’t imagine my life without you, Christopher Robert Evans.”

“Then you’re lucky I stuck around all these years, Y/F/N Y/M/N Y/L/N,” he jokes. He sees how tired you are, so he takes a seat next to your bed and picks up a book you didn’t realize was on the table next to you. “Go back to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Okay,” you whisper and let yourself fall asleep knowing you’re always going to be caught when you fall.

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[altviktcrr]

『MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL ❙ NONBINARY』 ⟿ looks like VIKTOR SAMUELS is here for HIS/THEIR SENIOR year as a VISUAL ARTS student. HE/THEY are 24 years old & known to be OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT & DEPENDENT. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ JAMES. 20. EST. SHE/THEY.

hllo ,,, again ,,, this is my last child i SWEAR ,,, at least fr now ,,, hes also the most problematic one ,,, the most dramatic ,,, one of my absolute faves ,,, pleathe love him. as always if u wish to plot please like this so i can msg u !!!

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basic info.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

inspired by: beetlejuice (beetlejuice), sid (toy story), jack sparrow (pirates of the caribbean), francis wilkerson (malcolm in the middle), azula (avatar: the last airbender), vicky (the fairly oddparents), stu macher / billy loomis (scream), marshall lee (adventure time), bojack horseman (bojack horseman), any it’s always sunny character :/

biography.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in rochester, new york - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang. 

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like ... sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid ... not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine. 

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his Thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like ... just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3D art AP course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to radcliffe but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just ... not to his parents, who don’t really need to know. 

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point. 

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was ... viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to radcliffe to finish his senior year because ... for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief, especially since the one year anniversary of tatiana’s death was this month (january) - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears ... that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just ... love those black & white vertical-striped pants. 

can appreciate the lore & cryptids at radcliffe and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just ... a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants. 

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like ... sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s ... a Lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it. 

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive ... like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all teir money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away HBDSJFNGKH

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe ... yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time ... also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not ... with their body or anything because they’re a TWIG but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like ... partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

a roommate... but it’s an absolute nightmare to live with him.

enemies... because viktor would have a lot of them...

familiar faces... people who knew tatiana or of her / were her friends. maybe even those who dated her, and who viktor would’ve tried to intimidate / scare at any given chance :/

pitiful glances... people who take pity on viktor and he hates it sooo much.

hooligan gremlin kids... just a friend group of grown ass adults who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers.

high school girlfriend... probably the one he lost his virginity to inside his family church :/

childhood acquaintances... people who knew him from his youth.

exes... good & bad terms, but mostly bad terms because viktor is an actual demon. probably cheated on them.

soft... i don’t know if he’s soft towards anyone and/or is capable of it but we can try. we can try.

unrequited... either viktor just doesn’t like them or he’s holding back because he’s :/ got issues with relationships & is self-sabotaging as one does

enemies with Tension... of the ... spicy kind if you know what i mean. wink.

friends... old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. i don’t know how many he had but if your muse likes to cause a ruckus and fuck shit up then viktor’s your man.

hook-ups... current or old. friends with benefits, one night stands, anything and everything because he fucks around a lot.

ride or die... friendship but make it extreme.

bad influence... he’s just toxic to be around and brings out the worst in people :/

bad egg... he’s gotten into a few fights :/ maybe you witnessed it. maybe you were in it.

literally anything i wld love all sorts of plots.

[indeego]

Vent #1

I go to a school where our suites have 2 rooms, 2 people each (usually 3 in one room, but then covid happened). So my roommate, the one I actually share a space with, is sometimes hard to deal with.

We had to take a little personality quiz to be matched with someone, like how messy are you, are you a night owl, etc etc. I think I’m kind of half and half with neatness. I’m not perfect, but I usually leave my messes out of sight/under the bed if I have them. Well, when I met my roommate I thought they would be similar, but no. They flat out told me they lied on the form because they were embarrassed to admit how messy they were or something. Like, bruh. No one is using that to judge you, they’re using it to match you with a good roommate to live with, i.e. someone else who’s messy and won’t mind living in it. It’s all on their side which is good, but there’s so much old food wrappers and cans, and one time a whole ass pizza sat in our room for 3 days. They never do their chores (but to be fair, I’m not so great at keeping up with mine either), never takes out the trash in our bathroom, never replaces the toilet roll, uses a shit ton of said toilet paper as well as q-tips, and I pay to replace all of them. They even told me to my face that they are never gonna take out the garbage from our bathroom, and that if he tried to help with the main room garbage they’d throw up. Me too bitch, I nearly throw up doing it cause we’re all nasty but it has to be done!! Smaller detail but they also use a shit ton of ketchup and most of it gets wasted and thrown away and like fdjklfdsjfskld just make a smaller pile and get more if you need it it’s not that hard. They also planned bringing their dog here at some point this year without consulting me at all, and expects us all to help out with her. They even said “so picking up dog poop makes me wanna puke” and then looked at me all expectantly like I was gonna let out and clean up after THEIR DOG. I straight up had to say I wasn’t gonna pick up their dog’s shit. I can’t take her for walks, I can’t play with her, I’m too busy trying to hold myself together and keep up with school work. I got so stressed out last semester with finals, we all did, and you want to add a dog on top of that??? Another small detail, they are constantly using nasal spray. I get it, you gotta use it to breathe sometimes, but I have never once seen them blow their nose. Not once in the many months of living with them. Just the constant sniffle sniffle sniff sniff sniffle sniffle I’m gonna SCREAM! JUST BLOW YOUR NOSE!!!! Honestly I’m kinda pissed that I could have gotten a different roommate.

Now, part of the lack of motivation with chores and stuff is because they have a lot of mental health issues. Severe depression, anxiety, ptsd, suicidal tendencies, etc. They mentioned to me that they had been in psych wards before for this it got so bad. Now I myself have definitely had a history with poor mental health. It was bad for a really long time, I even got close to a suicide attempt once. I hated myself in every possible aspect, but now I’m finally starting to love myself. I’ve made definite progress, even if it’s not perfect, and I’m really proud of myself for that. But part of that is I stopped making depressing and self deprecating jokes, and turned to more positive ones. I stopped saying I was stupid or garbage or whatever, now I’m like “I’m cool and sexy and powerful actually” and it’s been great. My roommate however, is still in that headspace of self deprecation and self hate and I think it’s starting to rub off on me. I’ve caught myself saying I was stupid more than a few times, and generally my mood has gotten worse over this school year. And just the other week, my roommates depression meds ran out, and Walgreens wouldn’t give them a refill (Walgreens in general has been so shitty to this whole household lately like fuck you Walgreens). This meant they had to go cold turkey for 5 days, and slowly they got more moody and upset and depressed (also tangent, I know they have phone anxiety but that can’t be a catch all excuse all the time. They never call before their prescription runs out, and that’s why they have to go days without it. Then they go through a whole spiral for like a week and I’m just thinking “what did you expect to happen, that more drugs would just instantly appear?” I have anxiety about phone calls too, that’s why I have to write a script out before I do certain phone calls, maybe try that). They were constantly saying that they wanted to die, and all I could offer was a “please don’t do that” and suggest taking a shower, drinking some water, or eating a proper meal. It got so bad that they woke me up in the afternoon saying I needed to drive with them to the hospital because their therapist said it was that, or he’d call the cops to escort them. I spent my entire afternoon at a hospital with them, feeling very uncomfortable with the situation. I now have the job of locking their pills and sharp objects in my nightstand drawer so they don’t kill themselves. I feel like I’m the only thing keeping them from committing suicide, and I already got a lot of trauma from that with my mom, I don’t want history repeating itself with my roommate. I don’t want to fear that I’ll wake up and find their corpse, or that I’ll hear them overdosing from the room over and have to call an ambulance. I thought things would get better after the hospital gave them a month refill of their meds, but things still aren’t improving. They keep saying “what if I just killed myself,” “what if I just die,” “what if I just jump out the window,” “I wanna kill myself” and it makes me so feel so uncomfortable and bad, like if I say the wrong thing I’ll set them off or be responsible for making their mood worsen. I know they can’t control that their brain doesn’t produce what it needs to, but I don’t want to be responsible for them and their life. But I have to pretend to be ok with all of this because they don’t have any other option.

Related to that, they also mentioned how they’ve never really had any real friends before (in person at least), and that it’s been really nice to have the rest of us with them and not hate them. But I sometimes don’t enjoy living with them at all. They’ve told me how they had a poor childhood with no friends, and they feel like all their friends eventually stop talking to them and leave them, and it makes me feel guilty for wanting to do the same thing. They think it means they’re too annoying to deal with (which I mean they’re annoying sometimes but I can deal for now), but I feel like it’s more because they’re kind of a huge ball of negativity and sudden mood swings. I’d feel bad just totally ditching them, but I honestly don’t think it’s good for my mental health to be dealing with them and living with them.

Something else is that they are really into Critical Role. Like, mega obsessed with it. I understand it’s probably a hyperfixation and a comfort show, but they’re so invested that when something bad happens in the show it really impacts their mood. Like, they got genuinely really angry and slammed the door of our room when a character almost died. They lay on the floor for nearly 20 minutes after an episode when something bad happens. They also scream so goddamn loud. They’re in our room with the door closed but that does nothing to muffle the sound. So many loud yells and screams and shouting it makes me want to punch a wall. And the fact that the show goes until midnight or later so our room is just occupied until then. Sometimes I want to go to sleep at a decent hour, or I’m just tired, but I don’t want to make them go into the main room because then ALL of us will hear them and no one wins. They also have put so much of their mental wellbeing on if Liam O’Brien likes their fanart or not. They have said “if Liam doesn’t like this fanart I’m gonna kill myself” like, he’s a busy real life adult man who doesn’t have time to sift through every piece of fanart that comes his way. Sure it might happen, but if it doesn’t then tough luck, you gotta move on. You can’t hinge your entire mental wellbeing on a stranger giving you a like on twitter.

I know that a good option for me would probably be to request a new roommate or something, but I don’t know how that would work. I really like the other two, even if I also have small things I dislike, it’s nothing like this level. I don’t know, if anyone out there sees this and has some advice I’d appreciate it.

[fandom-imagination]

𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚖 ~ 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚛 𝚛𝚎𝚒𝚍

Imagine: Hailee is a Winchester. One of the most notorious hunter families. Though years ago she left her brothers to hunt a different kind of monster. Now, Hailee works with the BAU, a group known for sending serial killers to jail. When a case brings her home she decides to visit her brothers, who she hadn't seen in over five years. Though it wouldn't be a Winchester family reunion if drama didn't follow.Hailee has to navigate her family business intertwining with her work life, and all the danger that it brings.

A/N: So this is the first part of a series called Hailstorm. I began writing this story years ago and just found it while I was looking through some old files on my computer. I fell in love with the idea again after reading it again and decided to post it on here (and Wattpad). I have been wanting to post an AU where a fandom in the real world meets a fandom from a fantasy world to see how the real world characters interact with the fantastical elements. To give context this story doesn't really take place during a season in either show. But somewhere around season 12 in Supernatural (Jack is part of the story) and season 11 of Criminal Minds. Like very loosely around these seasons. Somethings may not line up perfectly with the shows regarding timelines in order to fit in this story. I wanted to include certain characters from each show and certain plot points from each show.  Enough with my rambling, I hope you guys enjoy the first part of Hailstorm.

I REWROTE THE ORIGINAL VERSION! THIS IS THE UPDATED/EDITED VERSION!

𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚖 ~ 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚛 𝚛𝚎𝚒𝚍

"Our universe grants every soul a twin-a reflection of themselves -the kindred spirit – And no matter where they are or how far away they are from each other- even if they are in different dimensions, they will always find one another. This is destiny; this is love."

– Julie Dillon

A random warehouse type building stood tall in the middle of Lebanon, Kansas, a town smaller than most malls. To the unassuming eye, this building was a random warehouse or abandoned building. But to hunters like Hailee, it was a disguise to protect the research of the men of letters. Or what she liked to call the closest thing to a home.

Hailee stood at the end of the path, just staring up at the bunker. She hadn’t stepped foot in the bunker in over five years. She hadn’t even come back to Lebanon or seen her brothers in this time. Yet, she had the irresistible urge to visit the bunker at the end of her last case with the FBI. Now, Hailee found herself at the foot of the path staring at the building she once called a home. 

Hailee shook out the feeling of apprehension and walked up the path. Even though she knew she wasn’t really ready to be back, there was something pulling at her to be here. She stood at the door a moment because she couldn't decide whether she should just walk in or if she should knock. There was a time that she called this place her home, but that time had long since passed.

Before she could make her mind up the door swung open, revealing a dark haired man in a trench coat. Ever the man of few human emotions, Cass stood in the doorway wearing a blank expression. She engulfed him in a tight hug, “Cass! Oh my god, it’s been so long!

“Hailee! What are you doing here?” he asked. His voice still held that monotonous tone. 

“We just finished a case in town, and I couldn’t pass up a chance to visit!” she cheered. A small smile tugged at his lips. “They’re here right?”

“Yes,” Cass began. She stepped around him to head further into the bunker, but stopped when he said, “It’s really nice to see you. We all missed you.”

“Thanks, Cass. I missed you too.”

The bunker smelled just like it did when she was younger, a mix of old books and beer. A nostalgic feeling washed over her and it was if she was a teenager all over again. All the nights she spent awake researching random supernatural creatures. The sips she would steal from Dean’s beer, he left lying around -- sometimes she thought on purpose. Saving people. Hunting things. The family business. 

“Moose! Squirrel! I’m home!” 

“Aren’t you a little old to still call us that?” Sam asked. A smile spread across Hailee’s lips hearing the familiar voice. Sam leaned on the doorframe that led to the library. 

“Aren’t you a little old to still be living with your brother?” She quipped. He shook his head and chuckled. 

“Touché.” 

He jogged the short distance towards her, wrapping his arms around her neck in a tight hug. She nestled her head against his chest. She hadn’t realized how much she missed this place until she was back. For a while all she wanted to do was run away and join the “real” world. Now, finally hugging her brother for the first time in years and basking in the dust of the bunker, a feeling of homesickness sunk deep into her heart. 

“Ah, little bitch is back!” Dean cheered. Dean strolled into the galley, holding out his arms for a hug. Hailee’s relationship with Dean was weird to say the least. Her relationship with both brothers was weird to be honest. You don’t grow up hunting monsters with your brothers not to develop a strange connection. 

“Not like I missed hearing that,” Hailee said, rolling her eyes. She ran up to him and jumped into his arms. He wraps his arms around her, lifting my small frame and spinning her around like he used to do when she was younger. Dean had already graduated high school when she came into their lives and acted like a surrogate father from that point on. “But I did miss that.”

“I missed you too.” 

“Is she still here?” Hailee asked, breaking the hug to look up at Dean’s face. 

“Where else would she be?” Dean asked, as he pulled a set of keys from his back pocket, jingling them in front of her before dropping them into her eagerly outstretched hands. “As soon as I heard you, I grabbed the keys.”

“Yay! Thank you!” Hailee screeched . She gave him another quick hug before running off, only to be stopped short by a knock at the door to the bunker. 

The three exchanged confused looks. No one, literally no one visits the bunker. With most of their friends in other parts of the country, it doesn’t make sense that someone would come knocking on their door. Hailee asked, “Who the hell could that be?”

“I don’t know,” Sam answered just as Dean said, “Jehovah’s Witnesses?” 

“If it’s a Jehovah’s Witness or Scientologist, tell them we’re Satanists. They should go running for the hills,” Hailee said.

Sam rolled his eyes. Dean nudged her shoulder to ask for a fist bump. They bumped fists as Sam jogged up the stairs toward the front door. Sam’s voice carried across the room. “We’re Sat-”

Sam walked across the balcony, scratching the back of his neck. A moment later, another tall lanky man walked across the balcony. Sam asked, “Hailee, do you, uh, want to introduce us?”

“What are you doing here Spencer?” Hailee shouted. Hailee made sure no one saw her leave the hotel. She didn’t want anyone from her team to know where she was going or who she was going to see. She kept her life a secret. There was no way she was going to let her group of profiler friends know that her family’s business was hunting monsters, they’d surely lock her up in a mental hospital.

“You have been acting suspicious lately, I got worried,” Spencer answered sheepishly, walking towards Hailee only to stop and stare at Dean. “Weren’t you on the FBI’s most wanted list like 6 years ago for a whole list of crimes including murder? And aren’t you both supposed to be dead?” 

Hailee’s mouth dropped open. Curse Reid for having an eidetic memory. And curse her brothers for being former FBI most wanted criminals . Hailee replied to him, “No, no. Dean, why don’t you tell him?” 

Dean gave her an incredulous look, shaking his head, “No this is your problem little sis.”

“Bitch,” She mumbled, under her breath. 

“Slut,” he responded with just as much sass, although not as discreetly. Hailee turned her body enough to conceal her flipping him off .

“Do you mind explaining to me what’s going on?” Spencer asked. He held his hand on the waistband of his pants, where Hailee knew he kept his gun. 

“Ok, first off-” Hailee began before being interrupted by the horribly timed Cass returning from his convenience store run. 

“Hey, who is this?” Cass asked, eyeing Spencer. 

“Isn’t that the missing James Novak too?” Spencer exclaimed. “I don’t know what’s going on right now, but all I see are people who have been reported as missing or are convicted criminals.”

“They’re not criminals,” Hailee said, even though she knew that wasn’t true. In their line of business it’s hard not to do the frequent illegal thing, but it was always for the greater good. However, Spencer wouldn’t understand. Him being an FBI agent and person living in the real world and all. 

Spencer glanced at the ground. Dean’s fake FBI badge sat open on the ground between their feet. The next moments happened in slow motion. Spencer pulled out his gun, directing it at Dean. Dean’s eyes went comically wide and he held his arms up in surrender. Cass dropped the bag of groceries in his hand. Cans clinked together and a stray tomato rolled out of the bag. He pulled an angel blade from the sleeve of his trench coat. Spencer redirected his gun to Cass. 

“That can’t do anything to me,” Cass stated, motioning to Spencer’s gun.

“What do you mean? It’s a gun?” Spencer exclaimed. The only thing that crossed Hailee’s mind was Please don’t say what I think you're going to say.

“Because I am an angel of the lord.”

“Castiel!” Hailee shouted, beyond aggravation. 

The feeling of happiness and nostalgia disappeared as quickly as it had come. One of Hailee’s worst fears looked her right in the eyes in this moment. Spencer, the man of facts and books and what you see is what’s real, finding out about her past. Hailee’s mind drifted from everything happening at that moment. The shouts from the men around her sounded like they were miles away. All Hailee wanted was to disappear. If she had known this was going to happen she never would have come home. Honestly, she still didn’t understand why she even wanted to come back to the bunker in the first place. 

“Everyone go sit down,” Hailee said, a calm tone to her voice. 

“I don’t ha-” Dean began, but Hailee’s death glare made him shut his mouth. 

The four men rushed to take a seat at a table in the library. Hailee sat at the head of the table with Sam and Dean to her left and Spencer and Cas to her right. Spencer noticeably shifted in his seat to create as much distance between himself and the man beside him.

“So, first I guess I should introduce everyone. These are Sam and Dean, my older brothers. And this is Cass, you already know what he is,” Hailee explained. 

“Wait you actually believe him?” Spencer said and whipped his head to stare at Hailee in shock. Hailee nodded briefly before continuing. 

“Guys, this is Spencer Reid, my coworker, and uh… boyfriend.” 

Dean’s dismissive expression morphed into that of a protective older brother. He was always distrustful of the people Hailee dated. He never believed someone could be good enough. Sam watched Spencer warily. He was also an overprotective brother but more the “I’m skeptical but trust your decisions.”

Cass, again oblivious, outstretched his hand, “Nice to meet you Spencer.”

"I don't shake hands. It spreads to many germs," Spencer said. Hailee was unsure whether he said that simply because it was true or to avoid Cass at all costs.  Cass pulled his hand back and dropped his attention to the table. Spencer turned to Hailee, his eyes burning with anger, “You mean to tell me he is an angel of the lord? Just reassure that I gauged your answer correctly.”

Hailee’s heart sunk in her chest. She assumed Spencer would take some convincing but not that he would be so angry. Pain shown through her next words, “Spencer, what I am telling you, and about to tell you, is all the truth. Monsters, they’re real. What my brothers do, what I used to do, is hunt them.”

“I can’t believe you're pulling all this. Lying to me, just to cover their tracks. I thought you had more trust in me than that!” Spencer said, abruptly standing from his seat. He stormed out of the bunker without saying another word or giving Hailee a chance to explain. 

Hailee blinked a few times, staring at the empty space Spencer once occupied. She was pulled back to reality by my Dean’s next words, “That was a dick move.”

“Don’t ever say that,” Hailee growled, pushing her own chair back as she stood up. She stomped off, only turning back to utter her next words before walking off down the hall, “I wish you never convinced Dad to let me stay with you guys. I wish I just went into foster care to live in blissful oblivion, without you.”

“Go away!” Hailee shouted at the person who insistently knocked at the door. Even with her constant yelling, they kept knocking. She abruptly picked up a pillow and threw it towards the door. 

“Hey… Hailee. Can I come in please?” An unfamiliar voice asked. 

Hailee pushed herself off the bed and threw open the door. Standing in the entryway, hand still raised to knock, was a smiling Jack. “Hi. Uh… who’re you?”

“I’m Jack.”

“Jack?”

“Yea, Lucifer’s son.”

“What?” Hailee screeched. She was tempted to slam the door in his face, but the pure innocence in his expression told her not to. 

“Well, I guess now I’m Cass and Dean’s son or something,” Jack explained. He smiled. Which seemed to be his default expression. “Also, this is my room.”

“Oh, shit. I didn’t realize. I thought it was just another guest room.”

“No problem,” Jack said. He walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. Hailee stayed in her spot holding onto the door. The thought of the devil’s son sitting in front of her did not put her at ease. “You look like you’ve been crying. Are you alright?”

“Yea.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “You’re lying.”

“And you’re direct.”

Jack shrugged his shoulders. “What’s wrong. Why were you crying?” Jack’s shoulders perked up. “Do you need help with something? I can beat someone up if you need.”

Hailee chuckled. She let the door swing shut and took a seat beside Jack. “You’re kinda weird. But sweet.”

“Thanks.”

“I don’t really know you or quite trust you on the basis you’re Lucifer’s son. But I don’t have anyone else to talk to so… I thought I would be coming home, a nice visit to see my brothers. You know, nothing wrong there. But of course, drama always follows. My boyfriend, Spencer, showed up and found out about the supernatural, but didn’t take it too well. Not that I expected him too.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

Hailee jumped to her feet and paced in front of Jack. He eagerly watched her, ready to help if needed. She didn’t trust easily and never talked about her problems. It was always easier to deal with it herself. But right now, she needed someone to vent to and despite Jack being probably the least trustworthy person around he was the only one around. The words spilled out of her. “Spencer literally ran out without giving me a chance to explain. And of course because he has a fucking eidetic memory he remembered that Sam and Dean were on the FBI’s most wanted list six years ago. He thought I was making up the whole monster hunting thing to cover for their criminal past. But let me tell you, if I was covering for them I would have come up with a way better story and he should have known that.”

“Well, I could show him my powers and then he’ll definitely believe you,” Jack said. He smiled, proud of himself for coming up with a solution. 

“Thanks Jack. But I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

Hailee pat Jack on the shoulder. Her phone buzzed in her pocket. She held it to her ear, “Winchester.”

taglist (message me if you want to be added -- this is a rewritten version)

@jjmaybanksrings​ @alex-rose-boi​ 

[coldheartedkitsune]

Bittersweet Candy Bowl: Actor AU

- The cast go by different names in the show. Sometimes they call each other by their stage names when they tease each other. - Abbey is a young Shakespearean actor who is super talented and nobody truly knows why he asked for a role. * He just so happens to be a huge fan of teen dramas and wanted to give it a shot. He also wanted to support his friends who had just made their big break onset. - No one knows (or doesn't want to know) if half the stuff David says is improvised or what the director told him to say. - Lucy and Jordan aren't actually related. However, they still act like siblings offset and are practically inseparable. * They are also the reason that ‘The List of Things We Should Never, Ever Do’ was made. * At the end of any huge dramatic scene that involves one of them, the other can be found cuddling them and offering them Starbucks. - Paulo and Rachel’s chemistry on set is actually a real thing. Rachel was part of Paulo’s band a few years back, so they've known each other for quite some time. * They've been dating for 4 years now. * Whenever someone pans Rachel with some PauloxLucy or PauloxMike spam on twitter, either Abbey or Jessica will post a link to a Star Trek battle scene with the caption ‘Fight me in the pit!’ written below. - Mike is native to Russia, but immigrated with his family when the government started cracking down on free speech. It has taken him years to perfect an American accent for acting reasons, but he sometimes lets his Russian accent loose whenever he screws up a line or whenever he’s offset. - Mike is a famous Russian pop artist, Paulo has been labeled as the next John Lennon, and Augustus is the lead vocalist of a band similar to Oingo Boingo. * When Lucy reveals she had no musical experiences when her character was suppose to reveal she had a beautiful singing voice, the three singers immediately volunteered to train her. What followed was one hospital visit, $5,000 dollars of property damage, threats of lawsuit against the studio, and 17 more things added to The List. * At least Lucy learned to sing better in the end. - Jazzmine’s snapchat, that is all. - When Abbey was introduced into the cast, a rumor popped up saying that he and Paulo hate each other in real life as well. In reality, their rivalry only stems down to the two arguing over who ate the last taco (it's Daisy, it's always Daisy). - Paulo, Abbey, and Augustus have been best friends ever since they starred in a horror movie together. - Mike, Lucy, Paulo, and Daisy use some of their free time on visiting their fans in the hospital. - “Dracula’s balls”, “Jesus Christ on a broomstick”, “Sweet, merciful pandas”, and “Emperor help me” are some of the many improvised curses David comes up with whenever he screws up a line. - Abraham, Abbey’s dad, is literally the sweetest guy off stage. He gives advice to the younger actors about future roles, always brings hot chocolate with him, and is literally the king of dad jokes. * When the scene where Abbey’s character confronted his abusive father came up, Abraham wasted no time to use all his dad jokes. * “I'm not afraid of you anymore!” “Really? Should I have brung my werewolf mask? That thing’s scary as fuck!” “CUT!!!” - When Season 5 (volume 4) was being marketed, the marketing kept hyping up that someone on the main cast was leaving. Purposefully, they kept theories that Lucy was leaving away and tried focusing on either Paulo or Sandy. * The directors laughed silently as they watch Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr explode with shock when Lucy was put on the bus. - Sandy and Mike began dating in real life soon after Season 3 (volume 2). According to Mike, she understands what it's like to flee a hostile country and make a home in a place where you're scorned at. According to Sandy, he's one of the few people in her life to make her laugh. - Jessica, Amaya, and Matt are gay in real life and onstage. In fact, it has become a fact that everyone who stars in the show isn't 100% straight. - Paulo and Lucy both confessed that they were bisexual at a Comic-Con Q&A. When a fan jokingly asked if she was willing to take on Mike and Sandy at the same time, she wrapped an arm around Daisy waist, pulled the mic real close, and stated “Sorry honey, but I've been tapping this fine lady’s ass for 2 years now.” before kissing her in front of hundreds of screaming fans. - Sue and Alejandro are the biggest trolls in the cast. Not only have they made several blogs dedicated to shipping their fellow cast members and theorizing crazy things that would soon happen on the show (but usually no one would believe them), they're also responsible for 75% of the things posted on the list. * They'll still do those things no matter what, just not in her public eye. - Alejandro accidentally hit Lucy for real when he swiped at her face and spent the next half hour freaking out and trying to bandage her face up. - Mike and Lucy nearly went into a mental breakdown after filming ‘December’. It was decided that the show would go into a hiatus for a couple of months while the leads recovered. * The episode actually strengthened the friendship between the two and, for every episode Mike was in, Lucy was determined to help him in both costumes and makeup. - When Lucy came back, the first take she did saw her bust through the wall with John Cena’s theme blaring out of a speaker. * “WHAT’S UP, BITCHES!?!” - Sometimes the cast try to play on the huge shipping wars by flirting with each other or stage kissing in public. It was later added to The List. - When Abbey was asked what if he had to change anything to his character, he coldly replied: “Not treating my girlfriend like property or going full Trump on my friends.” - During a snowstorm that saw most of the cast showed in, they spent the night having a Disney sing off. Paulo and David won after singing ‘Gaston’. - No one dares to bet anything against Sandy after proving she can play Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2 blindfolded to Paulo. The poor fool had to walk around set wearing nothing but a cardboard box for the rest of the week.

[didsomeonesayventus]

idk i try to keep things a-okay on here but i just really need to vent on like.

everything.

god fucking dammit don’t you just love working twice as hard as your superior only to make like, what, a few dollars an hour less? yeah, checking salary data online my assistant manager, the one that DID NOT impress the area manager or whatever the hell the boss of my boss is, is making like roughly 4$ more than me every hour to do half as good a job in.. anything. Did I fucking mention her boss saw me working with her and someone else and mentioned to the actual manager he was only impressed with me??? god she can’t even be bothered to refill coins or fucking count the safe properly but will spend all her time in the back and make everyone else take on a workload she should be taking on herself because we’re already short staffed here and still losing people but no she’s getting fucking paid more than me- who drives myself to panic attacks to try keep up with making sure things are actually moving along and that people get their food -to basically sit on her ass and become dead weight that ends with me leaving later than I should. Fuck she tells me I work too hard, move too fast, but bitch I bet it’s because you can’t get on my damn level you mid-life crisis piece of shit. You’re like. at least 40. You’ve been a teacher. Why can’t you do better than Panda Express Assistant Manager that you didn’t even actually earn from what I hear you just schmoozed to the manager at your last location and didn’t get actual training to be a manager of any sort.

I can’t figure out groceries, I don’t know how to cook nor do I have motivation to so whatever I do get ends up spoiling, so I’m wasting so much money of my already small paycheck  (30-36 hours a week on 10.50$ an hour, pay every other week with roughly 15% of that taken for taxes)  eating out and even then not giving myself any sort of proper nutrition. I don’t exercise enough either or keep up with showers and teeth brushing and laundry like a person should be so I’m fucking withering away in full out shrug emoji and getting fat and unhealthy and letting everything decay okay maybe im not that bad but I really don’t care.

I can’t afford to go back to college this semester because I’ve been paying rent to my parents (and that ridiculous 450$ a month is due to go up because they could be selling our house for more than they got it for but can’t because me and my older brother are still living here so COMPENSATION I GUESS) and paying for my car (repairs AND gas for a clunker old enough to drive itself and bare minimum insurance) and paying for food and maybe SOMETHING to live for and make me feel okay for just a moment that’s like. stupid cheap generally less than 10$ in terms of price and generally having trouble limiting myself to stricter budgeting so I can actually save up and GOD DAMN don’t get me started on how the college down the street is so fucking packed that I can’t really take any courses unless I signed up like, back in may and I still don’t even know WHY I’m going to college besides “has to” and I can’t bother to fill out FAFSA and like fuck anyone would give me a scholarship since I’m so firmly average and so many people need it more than me.

I still have to make at least 10 job applications or I’m getting 100$ added to my rent because I guess if I hate my job so much why aren’t I getting another when I have no college degree no marketable skills and have been stuck in fast food for two years and therefore have no experience in anything desireable and I don’t know myself enough to sell myself  gee I wonder why I don’t have a better job dad :)))))) I can’t even really say im bright and cheery because that is fading and fading fast because of this damn job where I have no support and constant stress.

I have so much shit in my life i need to fix up. I’m turning 21 this year, I’m getting all these messages about how I should be moved out and on my own and going to college for something I’m so incredibly passionate about and living that wonderful youth life and maybe backpack across the country or whatever.

I have no passions. Art is a distraction and a hobby and no one likes it enough to buy it for dirt cheap anyways (that lunafreya piece came out to about 21$ in my commission pricing and took me like. probably 3 or 4 hours???? which translates to 7$/hour at best and 5.25$/hour at worst???????????) I can’t even write on my rp blog, the last little bastion of any of my love for writing and I don’t fucking care enough about grammar and all that to bother with going for an english major and I don’t have any stories long enough to merit writing and publishing and what’s finished is fucking stupid and not going to get a second glance.

but guess what I keep falling back on doing all these stupid drawings and losing myself in characters and hiding all this pain behind them like that makes it okay but no everyone comes out so fucking OOC to me because I impose so much of my hurt and sadness onto them heck YMX isn’t even fucking YMX anymore I’ve latched onto him so hard to give myself some way of pitying myself without actually pitying myself. you guys can go ahead and say it I’ve fucking ruined him he’s not even an actual character anymore I’ve stripped away literally anything that merits him as a younger Xehanort. You can also say I’ve completely lost sight of who Ventus is as a character and just keep writing fucking 2006-era Roxas.

god i want help. i want help so bad but i don’t feel like i actually need it i just need to get over myself and get moving but i can’t i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes cuz I just wanna keep sleeping and fuck work and fuck doing anything give me a twelve fucking year coma please and let me wake up talented and pretty and loved and actually worth giving a damn about and if not strangle me on those stupid christmas lights I got last year in a silly attempt to be festive and later to try and give some sort of aesthetic to my kleptomaniac’s bedroom at least I’ll give my life a nice poetic send-out. 

I can’t even get help anyways my parents just likely spent a fortune on my sister in hospital visits and therapy appointments because she revealed she was suicidal earlier this year (which fucking wrecked me I knew she was a mess but not that bad) and she’s so much better now and I’m so happy she is and her dog is kinda stupid and needs more walks but Matilda at least makes her happy but we can’t go through that song and dance again with me. We cant have two mental health crises in this family in one year and I most definitely cant ask for help i’ll look like an attention-seeking brat. that’s probably what I am I’m the second eldest out of five and a girl who didn’t have a mom figure I could approach for most of my life and don’t know how to approach my dad or step mother. no one will see i need help just that im looking for attention. fuck man that’s not even getting into how I’ve been in therapy before and in hindsight it feels fucking wasted whoo boy can’t wait to waste money again.

im tired.

I’m just kinda here. 

I’m not even sure if I could call it surviving.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #294

“maybe it’s not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate”

Is your bed big enough for two people? Yes. What is your favorite board game? I like Battleship. Have you ever been hospitalized for more than 2 weeks? I think one stay at the psych hospital stretched over two weeks, maybe three. I don't remember. When was the last time you heard someone scream? Irl, probably at some point visiting my sister's family and my baby niece was upset. If you include via audio, a couple days ago when watching Egoraptor's Kingdom Hearts 2 stream. He's a Loud Boy. Who was the last person to call you baby? I have no clue. Why did you last go to the airport? I was going home from Sara's. Have you ever showered with another person? Not since I was a little kid with my sister. Is there something you are keeping a secret from your parents? I mean, nothing major. There are small things I don't tell them, though. Are you able to forget people easily? FUCK to the NO. What disgusts you about bathrooms? Sharing a toilet with literally anybody. Have you ever had gum stuck in your hair? I mean maybe at some point, but I don't think so. What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? If you’ve never been in a relationship before, do you watch Scrubs? I knew Jason maybe two/three weeks before he asked me out. We clicked so damn fast. Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? It can become a bit much. I have (had?) a friend who did this profusely to the point it was pretty impossible to have an actual conversation, and then she fell off the face of the planet. Being in love is an absolutely amazing thing, but like... that's not all you can talk about. Do you enjoy old movies? Yeah, there are some great ones. Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? Someone a few houses down has a dog that NEVER shuts the fuck up. I don't know how it doesn't lose its voice. What was the last party you were invited to? A Halloween party hosted by my friend Summer a few years ago. It was a good time. Are you honestly happy with your life right now? N O P E Do you find it fun to pray for people? I don't pray, but even if I did, "fun" seems like the wrong word. Generally when you pray for someone, there's something negative going on in their life, so like... I think "fulfilling" is maybe a better word? Has your mom ever crocheted you a blanket? My mom has deadass been working on a massive blanket since she was in her 20s (maybe even a tad younger), and she's at the tail end of her 50s. She works on it less than once in a blue moon. She started with the intention of passing it onto her kids. Do you regret letting a certain guy slip away? Debatable. It's questionable if I ever would have gotten competent help without Jason leaving, and if I didn't, what if he finally had enough when we were already married with kids (that's what I wanted at the time, anyway)? That would have broken me even worse. What show did you want to be on as a kid? Whatever the Nickelodeon one was where you got slimed lol. Do you have regrets? Of course I do. Does anyone really know you? My mom and Sara, at least. What song do you want played at your wedding? It depends on my partner and songs we consider special. Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? No. I do, however, love me some "Love Story." And you are LYYYYYYINNNNNGGGG if "Picture To Burn" doesn't make you feel like a Bad Bitch. Would you ever dye your hair unicorn colors? I would DIIIIIEEEEE to do that in pastel tints. I wish my damn hair took color well... I have literally only had ONE very effective hair dyeing experience, when my friend spent hours turning it red. It stuck for MONTHS. List 3 of your pet peeves. 1.) Turning tragedy into a competition; 2.) making mental illnesses "trendy;" and 3.) elitists of pretty much anything. Do you type fast? Very. What do you like to put on your pancakes? Typically just maple syrup, but I'll put butter on them if given it at a restaurant. Have you ever accidentally drank spoiled milk? I've taken a sip and immediately realized and spat it out. Have you ever had your heart broken? More like shattered into incalcuable pieces. When you were 3, was your natural hair color the same as it is now? No, I was dirty blonde. Have you ever received a scary message from someone online? Yes, I'm pretty sure. What does your first name rhyme with? "Infamy" is close enough, ig, if we're excluding other names. Do you have freckles on your face? No. I did as a kid, though. Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? Probably the angel kitty (I had a coloring book, even), but they're all SO pretty. I love Lisa Frank stuff. Does your family always have your back? My mom and dad do, at least. My older sister does, meanwhile it's hard to tell with my little sister. She's not very affectionate and expressive of love to the point I question a lot if she even likes me. What type of wedding do you want to have? Gothic! Are you more of a leader or a follower? A follower, within reason. I'm definitely not a blind one. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Quite a few, actually. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, at some point. Do you have a regular vacation spot, or do you always go somewhere new? We don't really go on vacations. It's not an expense Mom can really afford. Where were you working 10 years ago? Nowhere. ... 5 years ago? Still nowhere. ... 1 year ago? Nowhere. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like a day. I know it sounds bad, but I left Girt already knowing I loved Sara, and I didn't really have anything to heal from. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? We'd have Saltines, chicken noodle soup (which I never really liked), and ginger ale. What's your favorite art style? Probably hyperrealistic fantasy stuff. What time period is considered to be your country's 'golden age?' I don't know, I'm not a history buff. Have you ever done LSD? I've never done any drugs. Are any of your coworkers currently out on maternity/paternity leave? N/A What is your favorite parody movie? Maybe the Paranormal Activity one. I barely remember it, though. What kind of first impression do you hope others have of you? That I'm kind and friendly and really care about their feelings. Do you have a good sense of balance? NOOOOOOOOOO. I stray like a motherfucker when I walk. Have for many years. It's weird. What is your least favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry, ugh. Does your car have heated seats? No. What's something that has been in your local news lately? I don't watch it. What's your favorite internet meme? Oh, I have no clue, I love memes lmao. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing, really. I'm not very adventurous with pizza. Can you name any books or movies where all the main characters die? Not off the top of my head. Do you live alone? No, I live with my mother. What’s the grossest thing you’ve encountered in/at a fast food joint? *shrug* Do you swallow chewing gum? No. Do you ever get goosebumps while listening to songs? EXTREMELY easily. Like that is so, so regular, be it from the lyrics, the singer's voice, or just the music. Are there any amusement park rides you refuse to go on? Why? Most, really. I get dizzy way, way too easily and don't want to faint. What is the best roller coaster you’ve ever been on? I'm afraid of roller coasters, so I can't answer this. Never touched one. Don’t you think black jellybeans are icky? Ugh, YES. What was the last thing you measured with a ruler? I helped Mom use the long, flexible kind to measure the couch because she was gonna move some furniture around. What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen? Oh, I'm sure the mountains when driving to Tennessee. I was too young to remember it well, but I can never forget that I marveled over them. Would you rather have a Playstation or Xbox made console? I'm a Playstation gal. What if you were watching COPS and saw your significant other on there? I'm... not gonna lie, if it was Jason for doing something stupid and not, like, murderous, I'd probably cackle. Have you ever tried to write to any celebrities? No. When was the last time you blew bubbles? I ain't got a clue. Have you ever stumbled across a beehive? More like wasp nests. What food(s) make you cringe? Quite a lot, given my extreme selectiveness with textures. More than anything, probably egg yolk. Have you ever played an automated 20 Questions game and beat it? Ha, I actually had one of those! I have, but damn was that hard. Have you been to a restaurant where they cook the food in front of you? Yup, Ichiban. Pretty cool. Do you feel that presidential campaigns make people too competitive? I mean, no. People care about who is going to be the head of their country. Do you find Family Guy hilarious or offensive? Neither. Do you still write letters to people, even though there’s e-mail now? No. Have you ever had an accident involving a microwave? Ha, I'm a travesty of a cook, so yeah. I remember on one occasion I accidentally dialed in many minutes for popcorn and entirely forgot about it. Safe to say I didn't eat it. I've split hot dogs in there, and I'm certain there's more. Do you like the movie Forrest Gump? I adore that movie. One of the best films ever imo. Can you handle heat well? I honestly doubt you'll meet someone who handles it worse than me, especially physically. I have severe hyperhidrosis, so I will literally sweat like a pig in 70* weather. I absolutely cannot handle it. Do you smoke weed? What are your opinions on its legalization? No. Legalize it for at least medicinal purposes. Have you ever had a school shooting at your school? HA, I can promise you my high school must have at some point. Are you usually the first to do something, or are you more of a follower? I don't pay attention to this. What is your favorite way to eat a potato? Fries, yum. Are roses your favorite flower? No, but they're high on the list. Have you ever been to a horse race? No. I think they're abusive anyway. Do you like lobster? No. Have you ever swam in a lake? Yeah. There's one lake I swam in that was so clear you could see pretty far and just watch the fish and turtles. Have you ever convinced someone to show you their private parts? "Convinced"????? That's fucking coercion. I've seen people naked, but not by fucking pressure. What is the greatest treasure you have ever found? My older sister found a cracked amethyst geode once. Idk where it's at now, but I hope she (or we at the house, depending on where it is) finds it at some point, though. My niece has come to love smooth rocks and pebbles, and I think crystals would blow her away, never mind one that size. Do you eat beef? Regrettably. Are you good at card games? I mean, what's the game? I'm not exceptional at any I can think of. What is your favorite musical? I don't like musicals. Did you ever play the Oregon Trail game? Omg yes!!! I LOVED playing it as a kid, especially the 3rd one, I think? Do you watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? No. Who is your favorite country singer? I actually do enjoy Tim McGraw pretty consistently, but I don't actually seek out his music. Do you know anyone who is Mormon? An old best friend was. Do you like grunge? Yeah. What’s your favorite kind of cheese? American. What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime? Most likely Covid. What’s your funniest story involving a car? It's not hilarious, but once we were behind someone whose license plate said "omw" lmao. What scientific discovery would change the course of humanity overnight if it was discovered? Well, a proven Covid vaccine. Do you think that humans will ever be able to live together in harmony? Nope. What’s the scariest non-horror movie? Idk. What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard? I'm not sure. What’s the most awkward thing that happens to you on a regular basis? Having to explain my Mark tribute tattoo lmao. What was one of the most interesting concerts you’ve been to? I've only ever seen Alice Cooper, and while it was great, "interesting" seems like the wrong word. Where are you not welcome anymore? Probably Jason's house, at least not by him. Or Colleen's, probably. Idk how she feels about me by now. What’s the most recent show you’ve binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced? Paying bills. What’s the smartest thing you’ve seen an animal do? I kid you not, our first cat would look both ways twice before crossing the street across our house. (Please do not allow your cats outside.) She'd do it even more when bringing her kittens there too to hunt. Chance was truly incredible. I could really give a lot of examples of her intelligence. I also had another childhood cat (my favorite before Roman) who would respond to a certain clap pattern I'd do if Mom let me bring him inside. Wherever Charcoal was wandering, he'd come running. What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? Oh, I'm sure it was RP-related stuff as a kid. What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down? I'unno. What’s the saddest scene in a movie or TV series? Possible spoiler warning for a super old movie??? Probably when the main character of Old Yeller had to put the dog down because of rabies. But I cry like a bitch easily, so maybe there's something that tears me up even more or just as badly. What odd smell do you really enjoy? None that are "odd," really. What’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild? I've seen a mink once when fishing with Dad deep in the woods. What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a work of fiction? Oh, I don't know. I'd have to think for a while & I don't feel like it. What food do you crave most often? Probably ice cream. Who in your life has the best/worst luck? I don't know about best, but my mom absolutely has the worst luck. Which apocalyptic dystopia do you think is most likely? A meteor, maybe? If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show? I'd want to know if they were criminals or just dangerous. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen a kid do? Oh, my niece is so funny. One of the things that gave me the biggest laugh (and was most adorable) was this time I was taking family pictures for Ash at a local lake, and Aubree went running into the gazebo, span around totally like in a princess movie, and exclaimed, "It's enormous!" She is such a darling. If people could read your mind, what would they usually find? Just how bored I am, memories of Jason bc trauma, lamenting my disappointment in myself, "why is Mark so perfect," worrying about Sara, thinking of RP character developments... What celebrity would you like to meet? Mark. 100%. I would die to just thank him (if I could get words out, oof) and hug him and try not to soak his shirt in tears lmao. Do you need money to be happy? Don't bullshit me, you wouldn't be happy homeless because you can't afford a home. So to a degree, yes. What's a good idea you've had recently? Hm. What gift would you like to receive? At this current moment, Cloak's (Mark and Jacksepticeye's clothing brand) limited edition "life after death" design for a shirt. It is so fucking pretty, and I love the nature focus. What are you most excited about right now? Honestly? Getting my laptop back. I wanna play WoW lmao. What's your favorite song from a movie? Maybe uhhhhhh was "Supermassive Black Hole" actually written for Twilight? Where would you like to volunteer? I very, very badly want to volunteer to take pictures of animals up for adoption in shelters for like their social medias and stuff. I've asked like the two local places, but no bites yet. What's the last song you listened to? Metallica's cover of "Turn The Page." What's the last YouTube video you watched? I'm watching Gab Smolders play SOMA. Fantastic game.

[loveforsinnamonrolls]

how do i start this

I started thinking about committing suicide when I was in Grade 5. I was 11 years old. Being in the Philippines, kids turn out to be God-fearing, I would not do it (not even self harm) because I was afraid I was commiting a sin. But hey, if I was that religious why did I not have enough faith in God in the first place?

So I endured. For 6 years I endured. Not ever placing a blade on my skin intentionally.

It was September 21, 2017 when I finally snapped. I finally self harmed. Yey. It was for the pettiest reason even. I had just woken up from having fallen asleep from crying my eyes out because of a fucking pathetic reason.

The second time was November 6, 2017. It was a reasonable excuse. It’s too personal so I won’t bother. Mehehe.

A few weeks into the second semester of classes, I became class mayor. FFS. I had just gotten back from the CR and see my name on the board the the fucking class mayor. I know should have said, no. I should have objected. But I couldn’t. I fucking panicked. It was a new school. I was adjusting. I was taking baby steps in stepping out of my comfort zone, but life just fucks you up. And so I tried to play it cool. I got done with the day. The week passed by with anxiety building up inside me. During the weekends I was stress eating. I kept forgetting about my responsibilities. I was losing my mind. I was on the verge of messaging my class adviser to take the position away.

I should have done that.

⏩ to Christmas Party hahafucks. It was a total failure. I tried. I really did. But anxiety got the best of me. I failed everyone. When it was all over, I bought beer. I went home, drank it all, deactivated my facebook and personal twitter account. I ran away. Like I always do. I was a mess for a whole week. But staying away from the internet slightly helped. Slightly.

The third time I self harmed was December 23, 2017. Two days before Christmas. Earlier that day I was almost kicked out of our house. I had just turned 17 and have no real life experiences, why must I further my life when I could end it now? And so that night, other than self harm, I looked up ways of killing yourself. KJH just died a few days earlier and it was because of carbon monoxide poisoning. The site I visited said it would be a painless death. You just need a few coals/charcoals. Why not? But then I remember all the books I haven’t read. If I died then, I would never be able to reread TID and be with Will Herondale again.

“Books kept me from taking my own life. They made me feel like perhaps I wasn’t completely alone.” - William Herondale

And so I held on. For all the books I haven’t read and the people who share the same love for books as I had.

But using inanimate objects and fictional characters as your will to live isn’t enough, life wants more. Life forces the happiness out of you demanding more than what you could ever give.

One of my New Year’s resolution was “Self love and appreciation” less self harm, was what I ought to add.

The first week of January was anxiety filled. The Academic Fair was coming closer and I haven’t gathered enough confidence to approach my fellow class mayors. A part of me was hoping they’d be the one to initiate. I asked for help. But being the bitch I am, that help was not enough for me. I still was’t able to do anything. The Academic Fair took up most of my mind space all while my physical self was unable to do anything. I knew how ought to approach them. I knew what I ought to say. Those conversations and scenarios have been replaying over and over and over and over again in my mind. I just hoped they’d be real but welp. I was fucking paralyzed by anxiety. I loathed myself for that. Why am I like this? I wasn’t like this before. I knew I wasn’t because I used to “”“”“"lead”“”“”“ and ”“”“”“"organized”“”“”“” events just the school yeat before. But that was my old school. Where I went to school with people I spent most of my school life with and who were practically my siblings. This was a new setting. And I been pushed out of my comfort zone too hard, too early, and too fast. Maybe that was why?

January 7, 2018. We suddenly had a general cleaning session. Where the rest of my self worth went down the drain. Words only get through when they’re sharp. And boy did they get through mumsh. Then I saw our old grill, with some coal still left on it. I gathered the coal. Left it aside. I’d get back to it, eventually. I was lifeless the whole day. But I didn’t self harm. They’d notice too easily. I was convince I’d to it that day. I was writing and rewriting the suicide note I’d leave and everything. I convinced myself this was is the best way. I would be able to run away from my impending failure. I would get rid of all the burden and pain the world and life has given me. The best scenario would me dying. The worst is failing and probably being sent to the hospital which is not that bad.

But Axelle DM-ed me. Told me my existence was important to her. You don’t know how that helped me so much. And so I told myself I’d decide whether to kms after I did my part in the pt. I survived the night. But regretted it instantly.

The start of the week, the anxiety of the academic fair was still creeping up to me. My head was aching so bad. Another example of how fucking annoying life is. I still could not approach them. I fuxking hate myself. I fuxking hate my unstable mental health. Why am I such a failure?

Don’t overthink, they say. Think positive, they say. It’s all in your head, they say. Do you not think I know that? Do you not think I don’t know what would happen if I would not act? I fucking do. And I hate myself for knowing why I should act but I can’t.

“Anxiety holds me hostage inside of my head” or so to quote Sabrina Benaim.

The forth time I self harmed was January 10, 2018 at 2 am. The school’s academic fair was coming closer than ever. And I have not been able to talk to my fellow class mayors. Maybe they think I had a plan already? Either way we’re fucked. So I punished myself. I deserve the pain. I deserve it for not acting fast enough. For not being confident enough. I fucking loathe myself.

As I am writing this, it’s still January 10. 9 PM. The website said you could die from carbon monoxide poisoning in 3-5 minutes.

I’m going to try it. We’ll be setting up the booth tomorrow. But what’s there to set up though? I fucking failed. I should have attempted this earlier. Last Sunday. But well… here we are now.

Thank you for those who messaged and asked me this week if I was okay. I’m not really. Thank you Axelle for the gifts and for being there.

If I succeed don’t bother with the rituals or stuff you do when someone dies, that just costs money. Burn my body, along with my books, so I’d be with them at least haha. That way you’d have less expenses.

Regrets? All the books I’ll never read. All the shows I’ll never watch. All my goals I’ll never achieve.

I’m sorry. I tried to hold on. But anxiety’s grip is better than mine. Mental health is important guys. Take care of your mental health better than how I handled mine.

I love you all. But goodbye for now?

Or maybe I’ll chicken out again idk.

[bat-to-da-robs]

Hey. Suicidal ideation and graphic talk of suicide attempts beyond the read more thing. If this is something triggering to you, or honestly just something you’d rather not read, please scroll past this. 

I hope that the rest of your day is filled with awesomeness, and that you see some really cool stuff pop up on your dash!

Alright. Last warning. You have no obligation to read this shit.

I just want to die. Be dead. Cease to exist. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I wouldn’t do that to my family. But, christ, I am so tired, y’know? I would really like to stop existing in a gory and sudden manner. If you hire someone to kill you, does that count as suicide?

Yes. Fucking hell. I know which building I’d jump off too. I tried pills last time, and all that accomplished was me passing out, then waking up to vomit all night, and then my dad taking me to the hospital in the morning.

The hospital (and my dad) didn’t even find out what I had done. They couldn’t find anything wrong with me (and I was still vomiting), so they asked me if I had been “stressed at all recently.” Like, fucking hell, I nearly broke character at that. God I wish I had. But I just thought I was a stupid, over-dramatic piece of shit.

As you can see, nothing much has changed. I’m still the epitome of self-absorbed teenager, hooked on the romanticised vision of mental health issues.

Fuck, I’m tired man. I spend a decent amount of time just lying around. My showers are getting longer and longer simply because it’s so much harder to find the will to make my body move. I feel trapped, weighed down. It’s that same old vision of being constantly tied down, but when I was younger it was with spider webs.

Now it’s with chains. Everything feels heavy all the time.

And I’m trying to get through school, but my grades are dropping because I can’t motivate myself, and that just makes everything worse.

I’m so close to the end, I can’t fail now, I’m so fucking close.

And yet it seems like I’m about to fail.

And the past 13 years of fucking torture will be for naught. 

God I’m mad at myself. Actually not mad, disgusted. Properly disgusted.

I just want to be dead. I want to self harm again, but I don’t even have the energy for that. I go to grab the scissors and then realise that I truly can’t be arsed.

Heh, irony.

And I’m holding on to the ‘it gets better’ narrative, but what gets better? And how? After I graduate, I’ll still be the same shitty person, just with taxes.

And there’ll still be the disgust at everything my identity entails. God, I get pride, but I would give a lot to not be trans. Really. I would give so much. I hate it. It sucks. I just want to wake up one day and have the gender stuff fucking make sense. Because I hate who I am physically but I also hate who I am mentally. And it’s so fucking self absorbed, to allow this stupid fucking gender thing to take up so much of my life. Like, there are people who’ve been through hell, soldiers, people from harrowing backgrounds, people with <i>actual</i> disabilities.

I’m a white kid in a first world country. I’m upper class as fuck. There is nothing in life that hasn’t been handed to me on a silver platter.

And yet here we are. Bitching on Tumblr. 

I am so fucking tired of hating myself. I am so tired of people’s automatic disgust at knowing more about me. The way parents go from nice to distant. The fucking lip curl that people get when you come out. The “are you sure?” as if I haven’t spent years of my life wishing I could be fucking different.

If gender is performative, why the fuck can’t I just get over myself and stop. I’m never going to be able to afford hormones, and I also really don’t want to take them. It seems terrifying, and there’s so many risks involved. 

But I hate living like this, it this eternal limbo, feeling that horrid disconnect and sickness every time I see my reflection.

Every single choice I make on this going forward is a trap. I can’t stay like this, it hurts too much, and there’s no way I’ll be arsed living till I’m 23 if this is how I have to stay.

I’ll make it look like an accident, so that it’s not that tragic. So my parents don’t have to feel guilt. Maybe go travelling and put myself in a purposely dangerous situation so I get killed and my parents don’t have to live with the fact that their eldest took his/her life. I think that would be better.

I can’t move on from this. Everyone in my life has well formed opinions on “the transgenders.” If I only socially transition, a) dysphoria b) no one will ever take me seriously. They’ll just laugh. I’m not a strong person. I’m fucking weak as all hell. I can’t deal with that shit.

If I medically transition I will disgust my family. And I’ll have to rely on fucking meds forever. How horrendous. And there’s so many fucking medical risks. And when you fuck with your body like that, it fucks you up.

It’s a trap. Everything’s a trap. There’s no way out. Even after death there’s a certain possibility that I’ll be burning for eternity.

I feel physically sick. And scared. And lonely. And so fucking heavy. I’m done.

I’d like to reiterate, I’m not actually going to do anything stupid in the foreseeable future. Physically, for the next few weeks at least, I can promise that I’m safe from active suicide attempts. This is just a vent post.

I’m so fucking tired, man. So fucking tired.

[thewanderingmacy]

Prague

We’re almost caught up as I was in Prague under a week ago, from the 18-25.

Prague was really pretty. it met all my high expectations in terms of architecture and visual appeal. 

The first day I visited the medieval Jewish Quarter. It was surprisingly busy (like packed, wait in a lineup for 30 minutes busy) but I think it’s because I came at a time when a lot of tour groups were arriving. I saw the old synagogue and then walked a bit further (not much though because, as per usual, the jews were confined to a small space) to a memorial for the Czech victims of the holocaust, an old (massive!) Jewish Cemetery and 3 more synagogues/museum type spaces. I didn’t expect it to take so long but I was exploring the Jewish territory for about 3 hours before I headed to the city square for a tour. I actually had to rush, too (good for me for getting my Jew on). I was actually looking for a souvenir for my Jewish grandmother but I didn’t recognize any of the things. It was confusing me because I couldn’t tell if something was a Czech souvenir being sold in a synagogue or it was a Jewish icon. (Don’t worry, Huna- I’ll find something!). I arrived in the town square which was very pretty and lively and felt very Renaissance-y with a lot of pastel colours and decorative fronts, with a large Medieval cathedral in the background and the famous Prague clock providing the only dark buildings. I joined the walking tour for about 30 minutes (20 of that was the company just organizing us into two groups to start). My tour guide had a mullet and made us touch the cobblestone ground to “feel the beating heart of Europe”. That, combined with the fact that it was like 7 degrees in the middle of April, was too much for me and I left. I also really wanted to explore the town square, as their Easter market went on for a week so all the stalls with cute gifts and food were open. I got myself some apple cider. They also had a hot apple wine and for a second I thought i accidentally got that but I was in the clear. I chugged that down and then got a sausage for lunch. I took about 8 million photos before heading to the old town hall where the history of the town hall was laid out. I bought a ticket for a tour an hour from then and explored the tower, with the famous clock. I walked up the top and satisfyingly read all the cards explaining the detailed history of the town hall. I gotta say, I have a weird obligation to fully understand the place I’m in/the history I’m in, even though, most of the time, I don’t really want to read the plaques and what not, or see the statues, or sometimes even the cathedrals (I must have seen at least 50 by now), but I do it to satisfy my future self, knowing that I properly grasped the place, if that makes sense. Whenever I see a hill, I don’t want to climb it no matter what’s on top but I always suffer just to check it off my list of sights, and I always feel guilty when I don’t go through with something. Speaking of not going through, I never did the tour of the clock tower that I had a ticket for. It came with the ticket to visit the tower and was at a weird time, as I still had exploring to do. But I did walk up (elevator down, though) and get a great panoramic view of the town square. After that, I explored the surrounding area, did a wee bit of shopping (I found a shirt that I’d been looking for in Ireland so I figured I had to buy it), before heading back to the hostel.

I spoke a bit about the girls in my dorm room. There was a nice, normal British girl above me whom I spoke to for a bit. She was taking a week off from her job, as it was Easter so she had a long weekend and just extended it. I think the following night I met the two other girls I mentioned, the one from New York and the party girl who was English, but raised in NYC so she sounded American. She’d just completed her degree in Switzerland too and was headed to Miami in July for a job in hospitality. The (full on) NYC girl was nice and very friendly but she spoke strangely. She kind of sounded like a dumb person trying to sound smart all the time. She’d make comments on Jews, and Israel, saying you can’t claim something you left behind but I was I don’t think the Jews left voluntarily? I don’t know, she was kind of innocent and simple and overly open, as in she told her all about her family. She was nice and offered me a place to stay if I’m ever in New York, and I could tell she was like a decently aware person in terms of liberal views but she just tried really hard or something. It’s hard to describe her but overall, she was friendly and had a good core, though seemed a bit misinformed whenever she spoke. The British-NYC-party girl seemed decent enough (I don’t really care about the partying thing so much as a character defining trait, while it does admittedly make relate to her less) but then she started talking about how she hates fat people and I was like Ok? so you’re a bad person, I can see that now. The most normal girl, the 100% british girl said she hated fat people too and me and the NYC girl were silent as they gushed over how much they hated fat people. Like first of all, that’s super offensive and inconsiderate because it literally has nothing to do with you and second of all, you were “blessed” (for lack of a better word) with being thin so you have ZERO idea what someone who wasn’t is going through. The reason I say that last part is because the party girl actually said “I don’t have an appetite, I don’t even like to eat most of the time”. Like bitch, that isn’t something to brag about. It is super mentally and physically unhealthy to treat eating as a trivial. Also, that fact that you say that to strangers is an obvious power move (as we were talking about our favourite foods, a conversation I was actually happy to participate in) to assert yourself as above us who are subject the horrors (read: gaining weight) of eating. Anyway, she just pissed me off and, at the time I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure what to say, but I thought about it a lot and determined that she’s a fucked up, privileged and just downright unintelligent asshole.

Alright, now back to Prague. one day I went to the Castle quarters where I explored the old cathedral and the government buildings, and the old palace. I bought a ticket for a tour there, which I actually went on, and got a decent understanding of the space as it had purposes beyond housing royalty such as the government being situated there as well. I also saw a cute area of it called The Golden Lane which was made up to look like an old medieval street with artifacts and rooms decorated as they would have been. I’m not sure if the buildings were actually authentic as well, though, and I had to rush to catch my tour. Another day, I explored the Charles Bridge and around the west side of the bridge were a lot of cute art shops were, as well as parks and a stunning 17th century garden with more great pano views. Another day, I went to the Troja Palace and the Prague Botanical Gardens, as well as a memorial on a MASSIVE hill that almost killed me. The palace was empty except for the fresco ceilings and walls but man were they gorgeous. I also got in for $0.20, I don’t know why the ticket guy charged me the price of a child under 5 but I’ll accept it. I took so many photos of the interiors and of the gardens, I keep posting them on instagram because they really took the cake in terms of bare interior design. I also climbed a massive hill to the botanical gardens, as well as a greenhouse though I don’t know why I did that- I thought it’d be more adult oriented but it was just filled with small children and butterflies. The memorial that I hiked to was so steep, I remember wanting to sit down on the paved road. And, by that point, I’d seen enough good views so I was just tired. Oh, also on this day (damn I was busy that day), I went to a mall and had some amazing Chinese food- fried chicken and rice with a sweet sauce, and saw the movie The Lost City of Z. I can’t tell how I feel about it though because, as I was watching it, I kept thinking the pacing is strange and the character isn’t very dimensional and then at the end it said “based on a true story” so I have to reevaluated everything I processed with that new context.

A different day, I’d planned on going to a market and visiting the New Town (for reference, the old town was surrounding and including the town square and the New Town, though still a couple hundred years old at least, was south of there) but I woke up and, after trying to update my phone, it stopped turning on. It was a Saturday too, of course, so nothing but an apple store in a mall was open, so that’s all I did that day, really, besides visiting an antique fair where everything was expensive. But! at the fair, there was a booth for fashion from the 1850′s-1920′s with a flyer for a museum space by the castle that showcases clothing items from those periods. The employee at the booth spoke at me in Czech for a few minutes and I just nodded because, at that point, it was too awkward to tell her I didn’t understand. I did end up going to the fashion museum and had a good time. The employee there spent about 30 minutes with me, going over the pieces which I enjoyed.

On the last day, I visited a massive park west of the river, where the library and monastery were. Again, it was a hike but this time it actually had some sicker that usual views. I had to wait for some hoes taking photos at one stop and, after waiting for literally 5 full minutes, I just snuck in beside them and took them because they were being rude and inconsiderate, so I was too. I visited the sites at the top of the hill, including the very pretty libraries for mother. I’d been trying to get to a nice library for a well. There was one in Oxford but it was only accessible by tour so I didn’t go, I tried to go to one in Dublin but the doors were locked when I got there, and at another place in Prague, the library was closed for renovation, so I was glad to see at least one beautiful library.

I mostly (pretty much only) eat in now. I treat myself maybe once every week to a meal out. I got a chicken schnitzel and some potatoes in Prague which were delicious and cheap ($5!). I had a lot of PB and J sandwiches and testing out some pasta dishes. I tried an Alfredo sauce which was nasty (I also got the wrong milk- some Slovenian bs and some gross, tart cheese which looked like feta but was clearly not), as well as some butter and mozzarella but the butter is weird, and, later on, I tried tomato sauce that was gross. I was struggling to say the least. I’ve gotten a bit more used to my options here- hot dogs and, today, mac and cheese. Snack wise, I’ve been going to town on Nutella and pretzels. 

Well, I think that’s it for now.

Macy