#apparently I have nothing better to do
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Stunted, Starving Juvenility
by TomatenMark AO3
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cleaned up this border decoration from the hours of catherine of cleves (dutch, c. 1440. nyc, morgan library, ms m.917/945) for all your fish frame needs 𓆜 𓆝 𓆞 𓆟 𓆛
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Perfect outfit to play sum viddy games in. (u kno im actually wearin my fluffy baby yoda hoodie over this. Be real.)
Treat me ~ Tip me
#In absolute agony rn. Feels like i swallowed a shit ton of broken glass and sandpaper. 😭😭😭#Have a rather unfortunate feeling that its actually my mental illness acting up tho. Bc nothing is making it feel better and im not good???#Throw back to a few years ago tbh. I used to have this almost 24/7 bc mental health apparently#Ergh. At least i look absolutely adoreable and kinda killer in all these straps#Satans knitwear#Dont mind me moaning in the tags. Its what i do best ✨#Alt pinup#Pinup girl#Tease#bi girl#uk girl#cheeky#Pretty lingerie#Strappy lace lingerie set#girls with piercings#wlw#girls with tattoos
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what is UP everyone I just finished my very first one-shot fic EVER!!
#is my homework done NO#did I go to the studio today NO#but yesterday I got to bed 45 minutes earlier than I have been (oh glorious Sleep highly recommend) and today I was POSSESSED#with the spirit of Shigeo Kageyama's mother#I kid you not: I came up with this fanfic idea at 12:15 last night right as I drifted off to sleep#and I got up ate breakfast and banged this whole fanfic out in 4 hours. what HAPPENED to me man#me???? FINISHING a fic??? in ONE GO????#MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK (APPARENTLY)#my homework will be fine btw#I am using the remaining time in my day (since I'm not going to the studio... sigh... I do feel bad about that actually)#to Clean My Room and get up to speed on my russian fairy tales class#nothing is due tonight anyway and having a clean room will put me in a better headspace to do more schoolwork next week!#MP100 happened to me...... Category 7 MP100 Moment
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Ancient wisdom: Do not sew that which can be super glued together
#art#fiber art#crochet#my crochet projects#described images#image description in alt#i could have bought a much better pouch for two dollars and that's what makes this shitty pouch great :)#why would i watch a sub-par marvel movie when i could watch the cinema masterpiece that is The Room (2003)#i'm actually sad that i don't have more button pins because i love attatching them to my projects#i hate sewing by hand because i know nothing about doing it right tbh#and apparently i refuse to learn even a simple whip stitch#so i'll solve this shit like a southern dad who does shoddy DIY#i should have used fabric glue but consider this: i only had super glue
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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.
#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol#like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset#and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it#but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all#(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have#and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth#(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves#and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol#but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates#the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation#that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me
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"i mess up things and then i don't have the energy to fix them up" yes brain true sentence but no brain the appropriate response is NOT "therefore i should kill myself (and here's how)"
#tw suicide#i wish i was joking#i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me??#said something to the emergency room psych#she queried it and i confirmed i had said precisely what i intended#she blinked and said 'i usually hear that from jaded forty year olds not twenty year olds'#i won't share what because it was a highly specific explanation of precisely how i might see myself suiciding or how/whether i thought i#could. she asked me and i answered. apparently she wasn't expecting that level of detail and confidence#is it funny to anyone else that i always struggle with confidence but i can confidently tell her specifics about suicide thoughts?#this is reminding me of the fifteen year old yesterday i was conversing with and he randomly started listing all the suicide methods he#could think of and i was internally like you missed a dozen i can think of. didn't say that obvs#i don't know i am. tired. of everything. and i had a long and good conversation with an older woman from church last night (mother of the#boy. i have confided in her before she's great)#she's hte only person irl who now knows about the second suicide attempt (tho she doesn't know it was the second) and she was encouraging m#to see the psych and escalate care#but all day ive been regretting telling the psych or bro or anyone honestly#it would be so much EASIER to have said nothing and gone through with my plan#i wouldn't trust myself not to rn if i had access#i mean. i know multiple ways in this room i could kill myself. but i won't#there's a couple of specific methods that are most of the thoughts usually so they're the specific ones i gotta watch out for more if that#makes sense#ooh gosh im rambling i should shut up xD#personal#puddleglum hours
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Going through a straight up comical amount of irritating situations to get the stupid 4* guaranteed ticket from the welcome to sekai campaign. It Will Be Mine.
#I’m resuming this tomorrow it’s been hours now I’m just mad#I’m home because my parents are moving to a different state and I needed to pack whatever was left#and for some reason we just keep old devices when we’re done with them#so I borrow an adapter to allow me to connect my ancient unworking iPad mini to my laptop#factory reset it. i have to reset an old email to access the old Apple id to fully reset it.#it won’t connect to the wifi so I have to reset the settings. i find out it’s too old to run pjsk.#i find an old phone that should work. i reset it as well. I’m able to download pjsk & it takes 20 minutes.#pjsk crashes everytime I try to open it. i attempt to run bluestacks on my computer. bluestacks doesn’t have 64 bit for mac yet.#i get a free trial of parallels and download windows onto my laptop. this takes 40 minutes.#i try to download and run bluestacks on that. m1 macs apparently can’t run bluestacks 64 bit through parallels.#i go find the final old phone that I had forgotten about. it takes forever to charge because the charging port is fucked up. i reset it as#well. it can’t connect to wifi. i try a hotspot on my current phone. service is too awful. i try to do wifi sharing from my laptop.#you have to be connected to the router via a cable for that to work.#at this point it has been like 3 hours. I’m giving up because I’ve been down this route before#when I attempted to run 32 bit steam games on m1 mac#(wine64 doesn’t exist for m1 macs yet -> attempt to run boot camp -> boot camp isn’t a thing anymore on Apple silicon -> attempt to run#several different programs that allow me to run windows on a mac. none of them work. ->#look into linux & give up. -> attempt to implement the unfinished/unbottled wine64 code thru terminal. ->#fuck up and delete some important file & have to fix that (misery inducing) -> keep trying. i think I downloaded a Mac coding program at#some point? i realize I have zero coding knowledge and this is a mistake. -> give up and purchase crossover. game doesn’t even work. ->#3 months later update to the latest OS so I can have enough storage to play psychonauts 2. find out the $60 crossover#purchase was a bad idea because ‘heehee crossover doesn’t work on that buy the new version’ (fuck crossover).#my toxic trait is my belief that I can figure out anything via google and sheer stubbornness. usually this is true. occasionally there are#exceptions to this rule. most of them are because owning Apple products is a mistake.#i think if I reset the router tomorrow I can solve this problem but I can also just go elsewhere with better service or wait until I’m home#now it’s a matter of pride. and also free 4*/I have nothing better to do because I’m stuck here until Tuesday.#<- this is all normal behavior by the way. who doesn’t spend 8 hours ramming their head against a problem every once and a while. enrichment#mine#oh I forgot. i also looked into cloning the app but that would cost money for something that might not even work.#‘just log out and make an alt’ and risk losing my account? I’m stupid enough to overwrite it on accident.
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#I am about ready to scream#I tend to be pedantic by nature but this is... frustrating even for me#Filling out the financial declaration for the divorce#He'll have his version easy#All he'll have to fill out is the entertainment line#I'm having to calculate each expense. Food and clothes and household cleaning items and...#How much do I spend on clothes in a month? Nothing usually. How much do I spend on clothes in a year? Better question.#Not much.#Also I don't know precisely what God has planned but I am discovering that I will simply not have enough to pay ALL the bills#with the addition of the electric bill. And that's factoring in bonuses which let's face it don't get saved - they go to items that are#needed but by necessity delayed until I have a little extra cash.#I don't know... I don't know. I don't know how I'm going to do this. And I have work waiting but I HAVE to do this first...#I don't...#I may spend a few hours tonight laying flat on my face praying. Here's hoping I don't fall asleep because I can't even afford to do that.#(The courts are going to take one look at this and go “how have you been managing thus far?”#and I'm going to have to shrug and go “Dunno” even though the real answer is “The grace of God” but that's apparently not an acceptable#courtly response)#(>_<)
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remembering on my circa 2017 booklr I used to tell people to read Gemma Doyle by describing it as trc but with an all girls boarding school / all girl group in a historical setting… I was trying to do the lord’s work she deserved tumblr fame
#I do think that was an oversimplification of both but. Not totally off base there are some similar char tropes used I’m proud of past me for#the attempt. Also I think I’m going to start advocating for Diviners in that way now that trc fandom is apparently quite miserable post GW#you like gay people doing dream magic? you like witchcraft and ghosts and strong ensemble casts?#you like an ambitious abuse survivor getting a healing arc with learning to control magic/psychic abilities as a metaphor? you like four#book series where the first three books rock and the last book which is named king + corvid is a bit underwhelm who said that?#a positive point in diviners favor is Ling x Wei Mei >>>> RonanKavinsky. Generally find the take on dream magic in diviners more compelling#(although LingHenry + RonanHennessy both being mlm wlw duos who are the dreamers is kinda fun)#anyway. This is not actually a fair comparison because Ling is my fav or at least top two w Theta of the leads and I love Ronan but he is m#least favorite of the trc leads of which there are four all of whom I love so it says nothing bad about him. But it does put me as an#outlier re: fandom priorities..#on the flip side while I love diviners dynamics sadly I don’t think they ever come anywhere close to Gangsey levels of extreme codependency#so I can not care quite as much….#from what I remember the girls in Gemma Doyle are a lot more codependent good for them. Would have to reread to compare codependency levels#Ling and Theta are both my favorite in diviners in the same way Blue and Adam are my favorite in trc and Abed and Annie are both my fav for#community. basically one char who I love and overidentify with (Ling/Blue/Abed) and one char I love who in many ways I’m not like#but in a handful of very niche specific ways I also relate quite a bit. And am fascinated with (Theta/Adam/Annie)#s speaks#very off topic from my initial point which was you should read Libba Bray’s books#and in both cases I have a second and a half tier fav (Evie/Gansey/Britta) who I love fictionally but if I was trapped in a room w them I’d#kill myself. with the white blonde women I’d also want to make out w them debatable if that makes it better or worse#but like. I could not stand listening to them speak for that long I know this#Gansey might just die a third time by my hands…
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bruh they did not release coral island ("full" version) without even finishing a main storyline and slapping WIP in your fucking journal 💀💀💀💀💀
#tbd#jesus christ i am baffled#i can't believe i am sitting here at my desk feeling like the most complete game i played this year was the bethesda game#had i known a main fucking quest would end in wip i would not have bought this game what the fuck#why are people so brazenly releasing games like this#for all the shit cyberpunk got at launch at least they bothered to write an ending for the game even if some were cliffhangers#same for starfield at least the game has a fucking ending lmfao#meanwhile bg3 act 3 is unfinished as fuck#and apparently so is this game#bro if there's a 2024 roadmap that better be front and center on your game's steam store page#bc nothing on that front page implies the existence of unfinished shit that is coming next year#it's out of early access and ngl no one should even have to go rooting around for developer updates#bc you slapping the 1.0 there and saying it's out of EA implies that it is finished#it's so deceptive i swear to god.#not everyone backed your kickstarter harold#anyway i am used to this shit from aaa developers but seeing indie devs do it just feels gross
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i wish i could have a silly little day on tumblr but I have to read my 80 page HOA document to see if the boomer condominium overlords will ALLOW me to get my new dishwasher (that i bought on black friday like a true, miserable adult marching towards death) DELIVERED AND INSTALLED on the 23rd as expected or if I have to cancel the delivery because there are too many rules for me to abide by and my soul is simply too tired to jump through the necessary hoops to comply.
#i cannot stress enough do not buy a home with an HOA#i have a condo in LA so it was unavoidable but if you can avoid it by all means please save yourself#they wont even let me change my fucking BLINDS because the windows belong to the outside word I guess and not to me#guys i am an idiot and i only skimmed the HOA docs while i was buying the home#because i thought the only relevant thing to me was the pet policy#when i found out a few weeks after i moved in about just how many rules there were I cried my eyes out#the worst is there is always some elderly woman with nothing better to do than be the HOA police#speaking of dishwashers have you noticed they all fuckign SUCK im hoping this one i bought doesn't suck#my last word of advice is that word on the street is to NEVER buy a samsung refrigerator#i mean its hard tho cause they look so cool....u know.......#they come in so many colors.....................like pink#.................its so.................................tempting.............................#but apparently they break and theyre like impossible to fix and its like a horrible waste of money.........#but i cant help but be like.......................but what if that DOESNT happen to me?????????????#like what if samsung got their shit together and i can just have a really cool pink refrigerator#guys im fucking rambling because im procrastinating reading the HOA doc lord HELP me
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i have such a hard time recognizing the characters in fionna and cakes universe cause while i do have a pretty solid knowledge of adventure time all the fionna and cake people were not only genderbent but also humanfied so i feel like im playing a fucked up type of telephone game trying to identify the background characters that show up for 3 seconds
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I think I've decided my gender is willful Shakespeare men
#coming from someone who has played both laertes and now romeo apparently#they feel... similar. there are similar vibes there. depression's whalloping me rn and i cant do coherent literary analysis#or voice whats going on in my brain#but they're different songs in the same font if that makes sense#maybe i'll go off the deep end and write a paragraph on these mfs#maybe#whatever it doesn't matter. i'm still sopping wet and unmedicated. it doesn't matter#it's just the inner machinations of someone who probably doesn't know all that much about what they're talking about#...there is love there. different kinds of love. but love that still drives them to do some stuff and die. ykyk#(i'm bullshitting rn please have mercy on me)#hamlet#romeo and juliet#shitpost#ramblings of a madman#(but the rambings are in the tags. does that still count)#horrendous literary analysis from a tired high schooler with nothing better to do :))))#(don't unfollow me hamlet moots i know this is tremendously awful i'm trying to make my brain make sense)
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do people with adhd have special interests? do we do that? cause i’ve been in my free willy shark week marine biology era for a solid decade now and like shit has not changed.
#ik i say i have audhd. and my therapist and i definitely think i do.#but my psychiatrist won’t diagnose me bc i am a woman and apparently this is still the 90s ig#so idk lately i’ve been having an identity crisis and being like… do i even have it??? if i can’t get a diagnosis??#like yeah this specific psychiatrist won’t diagnose me but i’ve been to other psychiatrists in the past??#so like if i had it wouldn’t they have caught it??#and like yeah my cousin has it but who knows he could’ve gotten that from his dad’s side of the family not his mom’s (my aunts)#idk big crisis over here#it’s also been like months since i last saw my therapist which is just not good…#but yeah idk if i have autism? and now i feel like shit for essentially diagnosing myself as being audhd based on like nothing#so now i’m just trying to see if all this shit that i thought was maybe autism is actually just my adhd or ocd#or just like a fun non-disordered quirk#also i am very embarrassed about the way i talked about autism on here when i thought i had it now that i’m not sure#like it feels very rude and offensive in retrospect#so i’m very very genuinely sorry for that#that just was not okay for me to do#i promise to be better going forward and i’m very sorry#pol’s diary <3
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in my post about the muppet christmas carol and kermit and piggy's hypothetical kids and interspecies muppet reproduction, i am acting quite serious and really dramatic, because it's funny you know. it's the muppets and we're discussing something meaningless on the internet - of course i'm being dramatic for the laughs
but the amount of people in the notes interpreting the conversation as people (me and others commenting) actually being angry or serious.
they're making me go apeshit.
#WHERE IS YOUR HUMOR WHERE IS YOUR WHIMSY#honestly what kind of pedestal do you think you're on :/#you think you're better than those who know how to have fun with a meaningless debate?#you think you're better than those who care enough about something to analyse it and discuss it in depth?#oh my god these are the same kind of people who think film critics are incapable of enjoying anything aren't they#because apparently the only way to enjoy something is to turn your brain off to enjoy it and never question anything about it????#i mean that is one way to enjoy media and there's nothing wrong with it#but y'all you have to understand that i and many others enjoy things More when we think about them deeply#when we analyze them and critique them. to see Why the things that are good work#like sorry i'm interested in art and film making so i want to think about the choices the director has made with camera angles and pauses?#anyway i'm being dramatic for the internet and for the laughs. and yes i deeply care about the muppets. i think meaningless debates are fun#stop being so fucking condescending about it#eg posts
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