#as mentioned before I spent a lot of my life growing up isolated from other people I didn’t have peers growing up for a long time

[whimsyprinx]

I feel bad that so much of my issue rn is that I’m lonely because I feel like I’m putting a burden on others in admitting this, but like yeah I’m so lonely and I’m worse for it because like I can’t do much about it

[butterscotch-goat]

The OC post

Last update: July 17, 2024

This is gonna be a long one, folks!

This post contains pretty much everything you'll need to know about my OCs. Character profiles, references, plot summaries and timelines.

I'm not the best at words, which is why I usually draw, but I hope this post is relatively comprehensible. I want to save the actual good stuff for the projects when they're finished, so most of the details will be described without much of the mood or tone (if that makes sense,, I don't know).

If anything changes about my OCs, I'll update this post, so it should always be accurate!

Friendly reminder that: I love fan art, I love headcanons, I love people kinning my OCs, all that good stuff! My asks are always open if you have questions.

Escapism

Escapism is my fantasy-horror project that I plan to make into a comic/graphic novel. It takes place in 1880s-1890s England.

Vibe-wise I want it to be like a mix between Camp Here And There and The Glass Scientists.

Warnings for; brief discussion of neglectful parenting, brief discussion of homophobia, medical malpractice, mentions of death via natural causes + suicide + public execution

See #buttersketch escapism for more art and sometimes writing, some may be outdated though!

Summary

Escapism follows Aster Jones, a magician in an era in which any expression of magic is against the law. She stumbles upon two pseudo-scientist med-school dropouts who have dedicated their lives to secretly studying magic. It seems like this is exactly the escape she's been needing, but it turns out that Charles, one of the scientists, wants to know more about Aster that she had anticipated. He makes it clear he'll go to great lengths to get the information he needs, dragging his best friend and accomplice Beatrice close behind to help him as Beatrice does her best to keep Aster and Charles sane.

Main Characters

Aster David Jones

Playlist

MTF, she/they • symbol: lamb

Naturally soft-spoken and gentle, but her time in the Taylor Manor has given her a more monotone (at best) or outright angry (at worst) demeanor. She has botanokineses; the ability to control plants. If there's dirt or any kind of plant around, she can sprout any kind of flora from it, though it does take a lot of energy out of her, and she isn't the best at controlling it. Her power is also linked to her emotional/mental state; for example, if she's startled, plants around her may suddenly bloom or grow a bit. Her "default" plant that sprouts when she isn't thinking are pink and purple hyacinths. She comes from a lower-class, neglectful family that kept her isolated her whole life as to hide her magic.

-Eventually forms a romantic relationship with Beatrice (playlist)

-Enjoys writing

-Used to be a tailor; still makes a lot of her own clothes

Beatrice Jesse Pho

Playlist

Female, she/her • symbol: dove

Beatrice is full of love and hope. She has a mild savior complex and is a people-pleaser; she will put others before her in nearly every circumstance. She is witty and intelligent, more so than she'd lead you to believe. She has rheumatoid arthritis, but often pushes her physical capabilities and doesn't like to complain. She comes from a poor but loving family; they originally lived on a farm in Yorkshire before moving when Beatrice was 12 to a more industrial area.

-Eventually forms a romantic relationship with Aster (playlist)

-Best friends with Charles since childhood, though their relationship falters throughout the course of the plot (playlist)

-Enjoys singing

-Wraps bandages around her hands and feet as makeshift compression gloves

-uses a cane

Charles Simon Taylor

Playlist

Male, he/him • symbol: bee

Charles is very friendly and personable. He's also ruthlessly driven; he will do anything to achieve his goals. He's spent his whole life masking, which has also taught him to be a good liar. He comes from a wealthy and loving family, but was constantly having to keep up appearances for the sake of his family's reputation. He never really grew out of that habit (except for towards the end of the story, when he starts to really lose it).

-Best friends with Beatrice since childhood, though their relationship falters throughout the course of the plot (and he won't admit that to himself) (playlist)

-Talented pianist

-Has gotten carpel tunnel multiple times

^middle one is supposed to say "1891", my bad

I have nicknamed Aster, Beatrice, and Charles, the Taylor Manor Trio, or simply the Manor Trio (playlist)

Grace Mary Williams

Playlist

female, she/her • symbol: deer

Grace is very quiet, but if you get to know her you'll find she's a bit snarky and rather witty. Grace is also magic, with healing powers. She has a good grasp on her magic and helps people whenever she can in secret. Her family is lower class and have been especially struggling since the death of her younger brother, George "Georgie" Williams. Georgie's death severely worsened Grace's existential OCD, and gave her a debilitating fear of death. Despite it, she tries to be optimistic.

Grace's magic is exposed one day in 1892, leading to her arrest, trial, and public execution.

-She wanted to be a painter; has sketchbooks filled mostly with drawings of Martha

-She was in a romantic relationship with Martha for two years up until her death (playlist)

-She was best friends with Eli

Martha Virginia Burke

Playlist

Female, she/her • symbol: praying mantis

Martha is very friendly and cheery, but struggles to make friends. She was raised in a very Christian household and has a relatively good relationship with her faith (up until it starts to falter when Grace dies, at least). She's a rule-follower in every aspect save for her love for Grace, which she keeps secret from everyone but Eli. Her family is poor but hard-working and content, and includes two younger brothers of Martha's, Archie and Collin.

-She plays piano

-Lost her index finger in a factory accident; Grace healed it, which is how the two met.

-She was in a romantic relationship with Grace for two years up until Grace's death (playlist)

-She is best friends with Eli

Elijah "Eli" Stephen Abrams

Playlist

male, they/he • symbol: crow

Eli is very snarky and confident in himself. He grew up on the streets as a newsie and has very tough skin. He knows a lot of people but doesn't have many friends; he's often the subject of the other newsies' ridicule, be it for his lack of interest in the opposite sex, or his club foot. He's very good at hiding his insecurities and tends to worry about others more than himself.

-He is best friends with Martha; He, Martha, and Grace were a trio before Grace died.

I have nicknamed Grace, Martha, and Elijah the "City Trio" (playlist)

Side Characters

Elizabeth & Clarence Jones

Aster's parents. Neglectful as all hell; Elizabeth was often out at social gatherings, and Clarence was out working. When Clarence came home from work, he would sit and eat his dinner or read the paper. Aster would sit at his feet in silence, desperate for any kind of connection. It would make Aster smell like mutton, due to Clarence's job at a butchershop; much to the dismay of Elizabeth.

Jeanette & Walter Pho

Beatrice's parents. Supportive and loving, if a bit ignorant. They are each other's best friend.

Morgan & Henry Taylor

Charles' parents. They are hopelessly in love with each other. Morgan was an intellectual and had a special love for astronomy. Her love for science rubbed off a bit on Charles. Henry is much more business-minded, keeping up finances to support his wife and child's endeavors. Morgan died of illness when Charles was 18, and Henry took his own life a few weeks later while Charles and Beatrice were still making their way back home.

Aria & John Williams

Grace's parents. They can't seem to get past Georgie's death and often neglect Grace because of their grief. Neither of them get out much.

Sara & Daniel Burke

Martha's parents. Sara is and incredibly hard working stay-at-home mother, and loves her family very much. However, she is rather close-minded and refuses to accept Martha's queerness. Daniel is much more lighthearted and accepts Martha, but keeps it secret. The two love each other very much, though they quarrel every now and again.

Winston

Winston was formerly a groundskeeper at the Taylor's house before Henry temporarily dismissed the entire staff after Morgan's death, and Charles permanently dismissing them so he may study in private. Winston is a gruff old man, but a hard worker and loves getting to know people. He would consider himself a friend of the Taylors and Phos.

Zachary

Zachary is a newsie in the same group as Eli. He has a nasty attitude and enjoys picking on others. He's incredibly insecure.

George "Georgie" Williams

Grace's dead older brother. He died when Grace was very young, so she doesn't remember much about him, but she thinks about him a lot.

Timeline

1869 - Aster is born

1870 - Beatrice and Charles are born

1877 - Grace, Martha, and Eli are born

1880 - Beatrice moves from Robinwell to Gessford and almost immediately befriends Charles

1884 - Aster disobeys her parents and leaves the house while they're away. She is discovered to be magic. In the panic of it all, Aster accidentally dislodges her eyeball with her own plants, permanently replacing it with thin roots and "magic residue." When Elizabeth finds Aster, she tells Aster not to return home. Aster runs away to Amberfield, hiding their injury with bandages, and comes up with a lie about it being from an oven fire accident at a bakery she used to work at. She gets a new job at a tailor's.

1886 - Beatrice and Charles leave for University to study medicine, far away from Gessford.

1888 - Morgan and Henry Taylor die. Beatrice and Charles return home after Morgan's death and are the first the see Henry's corpse, the first to know he's dead at all. After the funeral services, the two move to the Taylor Manor to study magic in private.

1889 (Plot starts here) - Aster is discovered to be magic again and is chased out of town. She runs away into the woods and, after weeks of wandering aimlessly, finds the secluded Taylor Manor, into which she is welcomed warmly.

Aster agrees to let Charles and Beatrice dissect her face to inspect what's going on with the magical plant residue in her eye socket, with the condition that they don't try to remove the plants, as she's tried before and it never ends well. Charles disobeys this wish, while Beatrice was sitting out for a break during the operation, and attempts to remove the plants. Of course, it goes terrible and Aster's face bleeds and swells profusely. Beatrice helps Charles fix it to the best of their ability, and when Aster is awakened after the procedure, they lie and tell Aster that her skin was just more sensitive than is typical to explain the wound. Aster believes them.

Aster's blood is drawn and Beatrice and Charles find that her blood has a unique property, which they believe is what gives Aster her magic ability. They call it "magic essence." They collect Aster's blood frequently to use it on experiments on rats, mice, and birds, to see how they react to magic essence.

1890 - Aster is given a bastardized median sternotomy and appendectomy; both essentially vivisections to find out more about her body. Aster's mood is significantly soured as Charles becomes more and more desperate for answers, increasingly disregarding Aster's health. Aster outwardly dislikes Charles and barely tolerates Beatrice, even though Beatrice has been trying to help Aster as much as she can throughout everything.

Eventually, Aster's feelings toward Beatrice soften and the two become very close, thought there is tension with Beatrice still being a close friend of Charles, conducting experiments with him.

1891 - Aster comes out as transgender some time this year, not exactly sure when yet.

Charles vivisects Aster with no anesthesia, due to his supply running out. He basically gives her an autopsy, trying to find something abnormal about Aster's system to explain her magic. He doesn't tell Beatrice, and she only finds out because she is woken up by Aster's screams. Beatrice sews Aster back up herself.

A few weeks later, Aster refuses to have her blood drawn. She feels too weak and sick. Beatrice understands and figures it's for the better, but Charles does not. He, knowing that Beatrice and Aster are close, tells Beatrice to get Aster's blood by force. He says that if Beatrice doesn't, he will, and he knows Beatrice doesn't trust Charles to handle Aster with care. Beatrice woefully agrees and betrays Aster's trust, forcing a blood sample out of her as Aster fights and tries to run through the whole thing.

("Hermit Arc" starts here) After Beatrice's betrayal, Aster doesn't leave her room for days. Beatrice begins leaving meals outside Aster's door. The plates disappear, so Beatrice can only hope she's eating. A few weeks go by with no sign of Aster. Without telling Beatrice, Charles enters Aster's room and asks for another blood sample. Aster doesn't fight, and doesn't say a word to him. Charles starts visiting Aster every day, making sure she's alive and eating, replacing her bandages and cleaning her wounds if necessary. Aster hates it, but at least she knows what to expect from Charles; she can't bear to see Beatrice for months. Around this time, Charles admits to Aster that he's out of theories and believes Aster's magic may be divine, given to her by some higher power.

Aster only leaves her room when Charles describes a recent procedure to her. He and Beatrice had theorized that if plants and humans can connect via magic, as shown my Aster, then maybe animals and humans can as well. Their experiments had long since evolved from just injecting animals with magic essence to combining different parts of animals to other animals; i.e. mantis legs on a rat, or bee wings on a mouse, etc. Most of the test subjects died soon after the procedure, but slowly, they started lasting longer due to adjustments Charles and Beatrice were making to the experiments. They continued the experiments until finally, a rat with bird wings didn't die from the procedure. Charles saw this as evidence enough to conduct an experiment on a human, and believed Beatrice to be the perfect candidate. Beatrice agreed, secretly terrified, but she figured she should do what she can to make Charles happy, since she'd already ruined her relationship with Aster. Beatrice and Charles had been secretly constructing a pair of human-sized bird wings; they'd go hunting for meat and feathers and return to the manor and attach everything together with the help of Aster's blood. All this to say, the procedure was, by some miracle, a success. Beatrice now has bird wings attached to her back. Aster is horrified at this news and, for the first time in months, leaves her room and searches for Beatrice.

Long story short, Beatrice and Aster rekindle their bond, both having missed the other terribly, both apologizing profusely for their own actions. Much to the dismay of Charles, who had been trying (and succeeding) for weeks to isolate Beatrice and Aster respectively.

1892 - Charles reads in a newspaper that a magician has been discovered in a nearby town and will be executed soon. He decided to take a short trip to the town to get any information he can about the situation, and drags Aster along with him. Beatrice can't go, as she can't hide her wings, but Aster can hide the flowers in her eye socket, and Charles believes that with his help, she can keep her magic under control long enough. He wants to take her so he can see if location and her surroundings affect her magic.

Charles and Aster arrive at the town and immediately hear gossip about a magician. That magician is Grace, and the town is talking about her impending execution.

Charles attends Grace's execution and Aster goes as well, as she's terrified to be alone.

Charles waits until well past midnight that night and gets Aster to help him steal Grace's corpse, still at the gallows, to study it, as the only magic body he's gotten to study is Aster's. In the process, Martha sees this happening (she hadn't been able to sleep, and the gallows were up on a hill, visible from around town) and runs to stop them. Charles instead interviews Martha about Grace and her magic. Martha is blackmailed/threatened to accompany Charles and Aster back to the manor, considering she could be useful and knows too much already. Martha spends the rest of the night packing her things and leaves the next morning with Aster and Charles.

When back at the manor, Beatrice decides to take Martha under her wing (pun not intended) and be the best role model she can. She homeschools Martha, since Martha had never gotten any kind of education back home, instead having a job to support her family.

One night, Martha accidentally walks in on Charles about to dissect Grace's corpse. She asks to see Grace, since she couldn't stand to attend the execution and instead played piano in the church nearby so Grace would have something to focus on as she mounted the gallows. Charles agrees and lets Martha say good bye to Grace, so to speak.

Martha is haunted by a manifestation of her grief, a ghostly version of Grace, reminding her of her lost love at every turn ("Ghost!Grace"'s playlist).

A few weeks into Martha's stay, Charles amputates her other index finger, plus his own, to see how they heal without Grace's magic, though he suspects Martha may have some of Grace's magic remaining in her that may aid her recovery.

The rest, I consider too spoiler-y! Thank you so, so much if you've read this far.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dawn

Dawn (working title) is my urban fantasy-thriller project that I plan to make into either a comic/graphic novel or animated series. It takes place in late 1950s America and follows Dawn and Frappe as Frappe drags Dawn along to various misadventures, most likely involving bloodshed, violence, and/or death of some sort.

Vibe-wise I want it to be like a mix between Good Omens and Malevolent.

This project has a LOT of work left to do, even more so than Escapism, so take the info with a grain of salt. I will update this post as details are changed/added.

See #buttersketch dawn for more art and sometimes writing, some may be outdated though!

(please don't tell me how "inaccurate" it is to have queer characters who know they're queer in a 1950s setting. I will strangle you and force you to read a book.)

Main Characters

Dawn Robin Yoon

(playlist)

Agender, she/they/he • transcriptionist

Overworked, underpaid, but very driven. Dawn is very passionate about her interests and her work, but falls flat socially. She lives alone and prides herself on her independence, even if that leads to accidentally shutting the world out at times.

-She is a very close friend of Chigs

Chigs Marzipan Miller

(playlist)

Non binary, they/them • transcriptionist

Chigs is very sweet and enjoys making friends. They are, however, a tad bit anxious and have a nervous demeanor, but they are an optimist at heart.

-They're very close friends with Dawn

Frappe

(playlist)

Female, she/her • demon

Frappe likes to act like she's evil, but she's bad at hiding her more compassionate side. She does her best to treat every situation non-chalantly, even when it's obvious she has no clue what she's doing.

-She is ETF; Entity-to-female. Demons don't really have genders like humans do, but Frappe got attached to the idea of being a woman.

Ronnette Theodosia Mintz

(playlist)

Genderfluid, she/they • demon

Ronnette is a mix between the "mean girl" and the kid who asks the teacher if they had homework, put in the body of a demon who likes seeing humans suffer (as any good demon does). She is very peppy and talkative.

Gene Carpenter

(playlist)

No pronoun preference • demon

Gene is perpetually tired and grumpy, but is very good at keeping up his manners and engaging in conversation when the situation calls for it. He's a very hard worker.

-He used to be in a romantic relationship with Lucy before separating in 1922. He deals with Lucy as much as he needs to for his work.

Lucy

(playlist)

he/they • demon

Lucy is a very sad, stressed out, wet cat of a demon. He used to be a very powerful and respected demon, but no one really takes him seriously anymore. He hates humans with all of his being and finds them unbearably annoying.

-He used to be in a romantic relationship with Gene before separating in 1922. He desperately wants to get back with Gene.

Juno

(playlist)

she/he • otherworldly being, I have yet to decide what exactly

Juno is extremely egotistical; has a very holier-than-thou mindset. She is often accompanied by a giant prehistoric-esque millipede named Phillip.

Plot

As of typing this, I don't really have a plot at all. Just vague ideas and random notes. My deepest apologies; I'm working on it!

That's about everything!

Thank you so very much for reading all the way to the end, it means the world to me. Reminder again I'm always happy to answer questions. Have a good day!

-bett

Updates

September 14 - Edited Jeanette and Walter's profile, edited Martha's profile

August 17 - added playlists

August 16 - updated Escapism plot, updated all playlists, added to Frappe's profile

July 24 - update Dawn & Chigs' names; added their respective middle names

July 17 - updated Charles & Beatrice's playlist, updated Elijah's playlist, updated Grace's playlist, removed Ellis.

[toesucker416]

Saw a "Strawhats as Percy Jackson houses" post and it pissed me off so badly I'm making my own.

Luffy: legacy born to Dragon, the World's Worst criminal, son of Garp, the Hero of the Marines, who we will discuss later. That said, given how Luffy is, who Dragon is, and the Will of D in general, I think Eris, goddess of Strife is a good one.

Zoro: a dignified warrior with strong "fuck around and find out" energy. If he's not drinking, he's napping, and if he's not doing either of those, he's training. Textbook son of Ares (the post was actually right about this)

Sanji: his whole story falls apart without Judge and Sora, and yet, who's to say Sora has to be his bio mom? Son of Athena, who, fascinated with Judge's attempts to perfect life, saw fit to help. Sora gives birth to mundane (for a given value of mundane, they're still genetically enhanced) triplets. Athena is simultaneously proud and disappointed in him, because he's so smart, but then he's so stupid

Usopp: the original post said Hephaestus, and while I don't think that's inaccurate, we can do better. Usopp is the skill monkey of the crew. Before somebody comes along to specifically do something, he's the one doing it. He's the de facto shipwright and musician before those spots are filled, and even after, he's the de facto trickster. In Arlong Park, when Luffy describes Usopp's role, it's not that he can shoot from long distances, it's that he can lie. So I'm saying Hermes kid.

Nami: this one's hard to say. One of the simplest backstories, and yet, such a multifaceted character. Navigator. Cartographer. Thief. I almost wanna put her in Hermes with Usopp, but that feels like cheating. Still, I don't have a better idea at the moment, so I'll just stick with that.

Chopper: that is a reindeer.

Robin: not a demigod. She has enough problems being the sole survivor of a buster call, the only one who can read the Poneglyphs, and having the largest starting bounty in history. I entertained the idea of making her an Athena kid, but it felt wrong somehow.

Franky: the original post and I see eye to eye on this one. Franky is an orphan from nowhere who builds war machines as a teenager. He's so clearly a Hephaestus kid.

Brook: Son of Hades, a forbidden child. Old enough and spent enough years isolated that he doesn't get why this is such a big deal.

Jinbe: As much as I'd love to make the First Son of the Sea a son of Poseidon, I feel as if his story works best if he earned his strength and reputation.

Right, crew out of the way, let's get to some extras. Yonko first.

Whitebeard: Zeus. Zeus isn't just the God of thunder and the sky, he's also the king of the gods. That makes him a god of hospitality, as well. And what's more hospitable than adopting literally hundreds of children because growing up an orphan sucked so bad? Not to mention that, within Riordan's continuity at least, Zeus is the worst deadbeat of the lot, so making his son the pinnacle of fatherhood in Shonen anime just feels right.

Big Mom: Also Eris. Big Mom and Luffy are, fundamentally, the same. Two gluttons who want freedom and equality for all, with horrible abandonment issues. The difference being, Luffy had Shanks to set a good example for him, while Big Mom had a life of crime. If their roles were reversed, they would have each other's lives, and we'd be watching Big Mom Piece (ngl that'd go so hard)

Kaido: Kaido is something called an Oni, but what does that mean? It looks like he has horns and he's stupid big. I kinda want Kaido not to be a demigod, because he's a monster. The King of the Beasts, the World's Strongest Creature, a dragon waiting in a castle for someone to kill him.

Shanks: Manga spoilers in this one. You've been warned.

We recently learned that Shanks is Figarland Shanks, son of Figarland Garling, leader of God's Knights. He's a celestial dragon. I'm not sure if you've seen One Piece, but celestial dragons aren't good people. They steal, rape, and kill with impunity, and Garling is especially cold blooded among them. However, the celestial dragons are also an example of Oda doing Nature vs Nurture again, and Shanks is his example of that. Shanks is found in a box by the Roger Pirates at God Valley, and the King of the Pirates chooses to raise Shanks as his own. Anyways, Shanks is mortal, although all the CD's are probably legacies.

Blackbeard: I'm not saying anything on this one until we get more backstory. For a placeholder answer, I'll say Apate, goddess of deceit.

Buggy: Aphrodite, because have you seen that man's sex appeal? Plus, people believe him way too easily, he gotta be charmspeaking.

That's it for Yonko, let's get the original three Admirals, and then some important miscellaneous characters and we'll call it a day.

Akainu: who needs to be a demigod when you're HIM? Wallahi we're not ready.

Being serious, though, I'm a "Rocks Pirates killed Akainu's family" truther. His narrative role is best fit by him being just some guy.

Aokiji/Kuzan: Speaking of fan theories, he's 100% Brook's son.

Kizaru: Given how he usually drones when he talks, and he never seems to take things seriously, I'm saying Dionysus. I will double down on this if/when he betrays Saturn.

Garp: remember a thousand years ago, when I talked about Zoro and his "fuck around and find out" energy? Yeah, Garp regularly talks shit about world nobles *to their faces.* Ares for sure.

Roger: I'm feeling either just some guy, or Athena. Something about the search for the One Piece, a quest for lost knowledge and absolute freedom, feels very Athena to me.

Ace: See Roger. That's the only part of his story I'm touching, because his backstory is lowkey perfect.

Sabo: just some guy. He was always just some guy that Luffy and Ace liked, and it's one of his greatest qualities in a story littered with lineages of heroes and special races.

[field--guide]

wngdu

“I was born here in Denver. Actually, technically Aurora, but who’s checkin’? Swedish [Children’s Hospital] is on 9th and Colorado Blvd., and back then that was considered Aurora, and now it’s considered Denver, so...you decide!”

Padideh grins endearingly, her warmth and playful energy filling the room. She’s recently returned from a DJ gig in Boston, and with a couple recovery days under her belt, she’s caught up on sleep and excited to talk shop with us. Though perhaps slightly elevated by her recent trip, this enthusiasm is not unusual for Padideh. Her zest for a life filled with music is well-known in Denver, making her a popular collaborator and friend to many. Like all good things, though, this has taken time, and hard work. Padideh’s journey through music is inseparable from her experience as a first-generation Iranian-American; and as born-and-raised Denverites become increasingly scarce in Colorado, her story feels timely. When we ask what it was like growing up here, we barely have time to finish the sentence with ‘Denver’ before she impersonates a cowboy to finish with “the raaaanch?”

Padideh’s parents met at Red Rocks Community College in the late '80s, and got married in 1990, spending some years in Aurora before moving to Highlands Ranch when Padideh was a toddler. At the time, this was a relatively new Denver suburb – an environment that proved to be a challenge for her:

“When we moved into that house there was nothing on the block. … Shea homes, development, like, um...cultural fuckin’ wasteland, you know? I went to school with a lot of Mormons and Evangelicals; where I grew up, everybody around me was listening to a lot of Christian rock and stuff.”

By contrast, Padideh’s childhood home environment was steeped in Iranian culture: Persian music and rugs, the smell of Saffron rice cooking, speaking only in Farsi... These cultural roots had space in her home in Highlands Ranch, but outside of the home, Padideh struggled to adapt to a white, conservative milieu, experiencing isolation and discrimination on the basis of her ethnicity. In elementary and middle school, she was often bullied for her appearance, and for bringing ‘stinky’ Persian cooking for lunch.

“There’s a joke among first gen and immigrant kids: you’re always the kid with the smelly lunch at school that has to be refrigerated in the teacher’s lounge ‘cause it’s, like, homeland cooking.”

She mentions relating to other first gen kids multiple times throughout the interview, and for good reason. It’s a uniquely challenging experience: existing in between cultures, not fully able to blend into one, and never ‘enough’ of either. “I’m the American cousin in Iran, but the Iranian here.” Unable to relate to her parents about depression due to their “old-world mentality,” music quickly became a “comfort” for Padideh.

On this subject, she brings up her older brother, Payam, who served as an important musical source throughout childhood. “He was really into pop-punk, and whatever 12 year old boys listen to, like, Korn and shit.” I sound off how much he still loves Korn’s early music and we all share a laugh together. There’s a lot of love in the room. As Padideh goes on, it becomes clear just how many of her earliest experiences revolve around discovering music with Payam. Music digging sessions at the mall, burned CD mixtapes, car rides spent listening to Meshuggah, attending her first EDM show at Red Rocks, the list goes on. Padideh’s words and demeanor when talking about Payam convey an amalgam of humorous contempt and deep gratitude. His impact on her life is significant. She also speaks fondly of two neighborhood friends, Janna and Chloe, who introduced her to artists like Three 6 Mafia and Ciara. Padideh has no shortage of colorful childhood memories to share, all of which revolve around trading music, but her musical journey took a big shift as she entered her teenage years: “I realize the impact that pivotal people like Janna, my brother, and family friends had on my taste in terms of development, but a lot of it was very insular. … I remember when I discovered blogs – that was like, game over!”

That was when she started to find her own taste, with music “becoming a hobby.” She would often bike to Tattered Cover after school to sift through music magazines, taking notes with pen and paper for research at home since she couldn’t afford the magazines themselves. She quickly became motivated to learn all there is to know about a particular artist or label, developing a keen interest in deep dives at a relatively young age. Easy access to the internet made this practice all the more fruitful.

“Trojan Records had this 36 CD compilation of dub, ska, rocksteady, reggae. … I torrented all 36 CDs and the file names were all fucked up and everything, so I spent the entire summer fixing them. I was listening to all this music, and that was around the time where my mom was like, ‘okay, I cannot stand you and your little brother being home all the time, I’m buying you season passes for Elitch’s, just go to the amusement park every day and get outta the house,’ and they always play ska at Elitch’s, it was always playing on the speakers and stuff. I was like, ‘ohhh, interesting, okay,’ -- connections were starting to be drawn, [I was] starting to get an understanding of, like, a music map.”

Padideh continued to develop this ‘music map’ in high-school, an environment that provided additional opportunities to connect with people through music. She reminisces about friendships catalyzed by conversations over band tees, and competitive workshop sessions in her cello program. Whatever the memory, the theme is the same: learning about music and connecting with others through music helps Padideh feel belonging. It’s her lifeblood—a shared language that transcends cultural boundaries, mirrored by the underground rave culture she's now rooted in.

Her first experience as part of an underground community would be during her years at the University of Puget Sound, a small liberal-arts school in Washington State with a bubbling music scene. This is where Padideh became a DJ, spinning house parties and endlessly researching music to play on her weekly two-hour college radio show. Amongst like minded music lovers and performers, her love for music and people became a passion.

But these years were not without difficulty, and her time in the Pacific Northwest eventually had to be cut short. Exhausted by physical and mental health struggles, and wanting to be closer to family, Padideh moved back home to Denver in 2016 to focus on therapy and help with the family rug business, while finishing her undergraduate degree at CU Denver’s writing school. This was a year of solitude—where she was once a big fish in a small pond, she was now just another face at a large downtown campus. And her connection with dance music and DJing was severed: “I was not even listening to any dance music, I kinda swore it off, I sold all my gear, I was like ‘I’m not doing this anymore.’ I was dealing with a lot of heavy stuff and listening to a lot of Sonic Youth and sad rock music.” But as one door closes, another opens: distance from that world provided Padideh with the opportunity to get her mental health to a good place, finish school, and begin her next journey.

After wrapping up her writing program, she set out to become a bona fide writer, pitching news-related content to local publications. But as she re-integrated into Denver as a non-student and began cutting her teeth as a journalist, she noticed a buzz in the city’s music scene. The Black Box had just opened, Weird Touch was kicking off at Syntax Physic Opera; from her perspective, there was a lot of fresh dance music energy in Denver. And she wanted to make sure it was being covered. Intrigued by a Norm Talley booking at Fort Greene, Padideh attended the event to write it up for a local publication, and ended up being quite affected:

"I remember staying accidentally sober at that entire show because every time I was about to leave the dance floor to go grab a drink, [Norm Talley] would drop some shit that I was, like, goddamn it, I gotta [keep dancing], ya know, and I look up and five hours had gone by, and I didn’t have a single drink that night, and I was like, wow… That was very impactful, and it was also the moment I realized: I fucking missed this. I miss blissing out on the dance floor like this."

Freshly inspired, Padideh began connecting with the folks active in Denver’s scene, putting most of her creative energy into the art-forward music collective Human Cluster Project. Thinking it was time for a rebrand, she updated her alias from wingedu (originally a Soundcloud username, and eventually her college DJ name) to wngdu. A self-described bird-lover, Padideh recounts with a chuckle that she wanted to buy the domain ‘wing.edu,’ only to discover that it was already taken by a Chinese university. “I have a very unique name,” she goes on, “there’s not many Padidehs in the world, it’s not even a common name in Iran. And I’m definitely the only Padideh in Colorado. I’m one of like, four Padidehs in the United States...” Lauryn immediately exclaims “Incredible!” Padideh quips, “Yeah, I’ve met ‘em all, they all live in California,” with a hearty laugh. “Does your name have a meaning?” asks Lauryn.

It does: ‘padideh’ means ‘phenomenon’ in Farsi. Her parents practice Sufism, a religion borne from Persian poetry and philosophy during the Middle Ages. The school they belong to in Denver has a Sufi master, and her parents called upon him to name all three of their children. We continue to talk (and joke) about names and naming, and she opens up about the dichotomy between her given name and her DJ name.

Being first-generation involves constant “code-switching,” Padideh explains, oscillating self-expression between the dominant culture and one’s culture of origin, depending on the environment. She describes it as adapting to Western culture while still existing in one’s culture of origin. As she talks about this experience, you can see the gears turning; some of her usual goofy demeanor is replaced by a pensiveness, almost as if she’s solidifying a connection that was previously hazy to her. Halfway through a sentence elaborating on the meaning of her DJ name, Padideh has an ‘aha’ moment: “wngdu is like, my American, code-switched persona—wngdu is PADI!” The air in the room goes still; she feels a childlike excitement about this connection; Lauryn and Will feel a sense of admiration towards her. She excitedly continues:

“I spent my whole life introducing myself to people as Padi [pronounced ‘Patty’] … wngdu is like a Westernized alter ego, I can be goofy, I can be, like, sleazy club vibes and stuff, and not have to drag my Sufi given name into this kinda seedy world, ya know? I’m proud of my DJing of course, and I’m proud of the music community that I’m a part of, but especially in a city like Denver, a place that I grew up in, where there��s not that many Iranians so we all know each other...for example, I’m not out to my parents, I don’t think I ever will be..but if I were playing a gay club and my name was on the sign outside that said Padideh, someone from our Iranian community might see it and tell my parents, and it might cause a whole thing. I’d rather not have people that don’t understand it and have judgments about it, know this part of me. But I’m not gonna completely sanitize and erase who I am [either], because that would be boring and sterile, and very disingenuous. ... Sometimes there’s importance behind names, and sometimes it’s like, I made a goofy Soundcloud name when I was 14. But it still serves a purpose.”

With her wngdu alias, Padideh has transmuted a painful split identity into an artistic entity, allowing her to express parts of herself that she hasn't comfortably been able to in the past. It's a unique form of self acceptance, and represents the next step of her mission to co-create meaning through music. Unsurprisingly, her favorite spaces to do this work in are queer parties, temporary physical spaces that celebrate difference and contradiction.

One queer party comes up repeatedly during our interview: Junk Drawer. And it’s not just because she’s playing their next event. Padideh feels passionately about their vision, complimenting not only their attention to detail and eye for stunning art, but also their knack for building comfortable community spaces where queer expression can flourish.

“There’s a safety and sense of home in queer spaces. I feel like a lot of language around parties tends to try to emulate that, and try to sell that, and be like ‘this is a queer space,’ [but] you don’t feel it. But I feel it at Junk Drawer parties.”

She praises the interactive and “beautiful” dynamic between DJ and dance floor. “Seeing people reaaally resonate with certain tracks, literally falling to the floor and doing these crazy moves” is particularly validating for her as a DJ. She’s been sitting on a batch of tracks she thinks are well-suited for this type of dance floor, flexing the ‘music map’ she’s been developing since childhood in order to make her next set “special for them.”

As Padideh’s ability to touch the lives of others through music has evolved, she’s been pleasantly surprised to discover how it circles back to enrich older relationships:

“My tendency to be music historian is finally starting to come up in relationships that I’ve already had, like my parents. … I feel like I’ve started to be more myself around them. It’s really cool, lately my dad’s been taking a lot of sitar lessons, and he struggles with reading sheet music so I’ll help him. And the other day we were kind of just doing a little piano lesson together, and I even pulled out my cello and we were just kinda jamming together. It’s fun to have that connection with them too.”

Witnessing the connective power of music through Padideh’s eyes is inspiring; throughout her life, she’s demonstrated its many functions by using it to create bonds and find home under uniquely challenging conditions. Perhaps it’s no coincidence that her favorite bird is the raven, a playful and innovative creature that can survive anywhere using tools to secure food and shelter. Keep spreading your wings, Padideh—we’re eager to see your journey continue. [Published April 3rd, 2023]

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

kind of a vent but any advice would be appreciated? not sure how to phrase it hjfhdhdh

tw for talk of abuse, being unable to eat and self harm (of the non physical variety) jic

basically. i fucked up and really hurt somebody four years ago. from what i know, i outright traumatised this person with my behaviour regardless of what my intentions were. i think the reason why things got so bad is because i was hurting and didn’t know how to express that or ask for help from others in a healthy way (i didn’t trust anybody, not even the person i hurt), but I’ve never seen as an excuse or a justification for my behaviour.

I was accused by somebody else who was involved by intervening of not being genuine in my apology I made and not wanting to change because I had mentioned, on a private account, that her actions towards me prior to everything taking place was something I still needed to heal from in order to grow as a person. I should note here that I said and did bad things in this relationship too which I hadn’t mentioned at the time because it was a silly throwaway tweet I made after being in a therapy session, but I was harmed significantly by this person constantly disrespecting my boundaries and calling me stupid regularly to the point where I didn’t even respect my own boundaries and still don’t. I also later found out she had lied to a good friend of mine about things I’d done to make it look like I was trying to ruin her life when at most I was hurt by her behaviour as she had tried to run away from her actions and not apologise to me for the hurt she’d caused. I had told her I forgave her since she was popular and I didn’t want to risk losing my friendships with others, but I still felt hurt by her behaviour.

I heard about her rant from a friend of mine and I took it seriously because i cared about what I did, I didn’t want to be seen as someone who was nonchalant about hurting somebody else when in reality the entire situation made me feel so sick I couldn’t eat right for months. I didn’t want to do anything like that again and hold myself accountable for my behaviour since they had all (rightfully) cut me off and weren’t in the same spaces as me anymore, so I’ve essentially spent the last four years semi-isolated and refusing to build strong interpersonal relationships with others to avoid causing harm to anybody else.

lately though, I’ve been finding it more painful than usual— I miss feeling comfortable talking to others and having close friendships with people. I don’t even think I know how to make friends anymore or how to recognise friendships, since I regularly think of myself as being alone. I know doing the right thing is never easy and it’s not my place to decide if I’ve been accountable enough or changed as a person, but I don’t want to live like this anymore. I haven’t done anything yet though because I feel like it would be a huge disservice to the person I traumatised by trying to “move on”, since it all feels like I’d just be forgetting it and trying to sweep my behaviour under the rug. i reconnected with friends from high school last year and they said they missed me a lot and wondered what I was up to since I had deleted all the social media accounts they could’ve reached me on. it nearly made me cry. I feel like I might be missing out on good friendships with others but I’m also torn because I’ve lived like this for so long that anybody being nice to me makes me feel strange and emotional, but also because I don’t want to hurt others like I have before or be doing anybody I’ve hurt dirty by acting like what I did doesn’t exist

(Sorry this got so long. Please feel free to refer to me as birch in the reply if that’s okay)

Hi anon,

It sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden of remorse for the pain you've caused. Your awareness of your past behavior and the impact they've had is an important step in growing from this experience.

It's important to acknowledge that people can change and learn from behavior that they come to regret. The fact that you're taking responsibility for your actions and genuinely want to make amends shows a commitment to personal development.

It's natural to feel both apprehensive and hopeful about rebuilding relationships. While you are eager to reconnect, it's also important to approach these connections with willingness to address your past actions. It's important to remember that reconnecting with others doesn't necessarily mean forgetting or ignoring the harm you've caused in the past. It can be an opportunity to acknowledge your mistakes, show genuine remorse, and actively work on personal growth. If you decide to reconnect with old friends or build new friendships, being open about your past and your commitment to change can help.

When approaching the person you hurt, it's important to consider their feelings and boundaries. While it's not your place to decide when they should move on, you can express your sincere regret for your past actions, your commitment to growth, and your willingness to make amends if they are open to it. But it's also worth considering that this person may not want to hear from you.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you process your feelings, understand your past behavior, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Regardless, please remember that growth is a journey, and taking responsibility for your actions and working towards improving yourself can be incredibly meaningful.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[findingmypen]

On the warmth of friendship

I grew up surrounded by a lot of people. We either saw each other at school during the week or spent Sundays together at church. Or perhaps our parents worked together so it meant that we spent time with each other at end-of-year office parties or weekend socials. Or you came to play football with my brothers and because I had nothing else to do, I begged to be involved (and I was grateful for any form of involvement even if that meant being given the mundane, but fulfilling task of running after the ball whenever it landed too far away). Friendship with these circles was built on proximity and due to the ease of being in the same space, the process of nurturing and tending-to was easy.

But my most uncommon community of friends were the ones I built on the internet. Growing up in an era where deep connections were just beginning to find their roots through the world wide web, it meant that the iPhone 4 I begged my dad to hand down to me became a portal through which I built and sustained relationships. These relationships became a catalyst to learning about myself.

I met Letitia on Facebook — she was 19, lived in America and would share her short stories with me. There was Monisola who I met through a shared love for Mindless Behaviour; Casilda, who I met on Tumblr. She lived with her mother and would often open up to me about how lonely she felt. Rhoda, who was inspired by a piece I wrote which opened the doors to a journalism internship. I had crushes on Justin Bieber, Jaden Smith and RayRay from Mindless Behaviour, before finally settling on Wizkid. Through these crushes, I became part of fan groups and felt a sense of connectedness to strangers who lived in different continents. There was also Kingdom Family, a community of Christians I became a part of and whose support anchored me through sixth form. Through Blackberry Messenger, I met teenagers who went to similar secondary schools, some of which I still maintain friendships with till today. There are probably a host of other people and communities I crossed paths with in those years, but my memory is thinning and I struggle to recall every one of them. But what is key is that my internet friends, though never having met some of them till this day, carried my teenage self and created a foundation to allow me to bloom into my current self.

It is evident that I’ve always been inspired by love and connection. I think that as a teenager though, I valued the quantity over quality. Metrics such as the number of Facebook friends, which then evolved into the number of Twitter followers and today, the number of Instagram followers and likes were indications of social credibility. This is not a piece to bash my participation in that social dance in any way. Like I mentioned earlier, this experience was key to unfolding into my current self.

In my twenties however, I’m finding that my circle has shrunk, but the connections have deepened. My job is isolating and I struggle to present an authentic version of myself at work so in my personal life, I am pulled more towards friendships where we permit ourselves to exist without inhibition, a space where we are both able to uncloak and communicate heartfelt feelings like how we are inspired by the love we share and that being friends with each other is a fuel that drives our complex, adult lives. I value the result of difficult conversations and learning about how we can be better for each other. Friendships where we throw ourselves fully into each other and try as much as we can to provide warmth and safety.

My favourite way to spend my weekends is with my community — quiet saunters down London streets where we discover new galleries, foods and vintage shops. Days without a motive or destination, but only the fondness for each other pushing us to spend more hours together. Inviting each other into our lives through doing mundane activities together — meal prepping, settling into a new flat, cleaning, going to the gym. There is also something to be said about mutual love — how a love for one trickles into a love for another, “I fuck with you because I fuck with them”.

I value vulnerability, to hold and to be held, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to share in friendships that bring me back into myself.

[fluffydragon22]

Self-Isolation, Growing Up and The Willingness to "Wake Up"

--

Self-Isolation

This might be not what i used to write (again), but i feel like writing this should reduce a little bit of burden that i carried for a while.

It's been, i don't know, almost three years i think, since the first time i felt like i was drowning in the sea of regret of the past. Surely it wasn't a short period and i missed out on a lot, and i mean a lot of things. Basically it was the period where i felt like my existence was starting to be swallowed by the life itself.

Throughout the last three years, i have been starting to lock myself behind the massive wall of solitude. Isolating myself from the world wasn't something i could be proud of, but i can't deny that it also brought me the peace that i've never felt before.

Truth be told, i was still trying to open myself up to anyone, especially those who were close to me. Even though i'm starting to isolate myself and building the wall higher and higher everytime the day went by, i was still open. I still tried to be what others call "normal" in the best way i could However as soon as i entered my room, closed the door, and locked it. There was nothing but emptiness.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2022, i decided to stay away from everyone. I was still seeking for a little bit of accompany from a few people i trusted outside of my family (because even my family and my home isn't even the safest place to rest anymore). But as i went deeper into the middle of 2022, i realized that nobody was actually there. So i thought, well, isolating myself from people wasn't a bad choice. Thus i decided to dive deeper into the world that i have behind the wall of solitude. The world where nobody would be troubled by myself.

I've probably explained this the other day but just to be clear, my intention on writing The Tale of Bunbun and Muffin was never to express my creativity in writing. It was actually quite the opposite, to get rid of the sadness and lack of "life" that i've been feeling throughout the last three years. I've been trying to slowly opening myself up through those writings. In short, an escape from self-isolation life. But i guess it ends up in the opposite way.

To be fair, the first series that i wrote was something i did in order to move on from certain someone. Then when i started to write The Tale of Bunbun and Muffin, it wasn't about moving on anymore, but more like how i'm trying to divert the sadness that enveloped me for years.

Everytime i work on each of the chapter, i always think that perhaps if i could keep on writing from the beginning till the end about the utopia that Adrian and Sarah wanted to happen, i would forget about my own sadness.

So if i kept on isolating myself in order to focus on writing, perhaps i, too, could finally wear a happy and sincere smile again for myself and also for other people as i keep writing, and hopefully one day, when i finish it, i can proudly say that i'm healed.

--

Growing Up

I received an email from my 15 years old self around two or three months ago. When i read the email body, i bursted a laugh. Not because it was funny nor stupid, but because how sure i was about what would happen on me, as a 22 years old.

The people that the old me mentioned in the email have disappeared completely from my life. Though one of them is still alive within my subconsciousness, but the rest were no longer there.

Compared to my old self, i surely have grown up quite a lot. The adolescence years that i spent on figuring things out, figuring my life out, really shaped me into someone that i become of today.

I had no regrets on every choice that i made back then, though if you asked me now, i would rather chose and proceeded to end my existence back when i was in the first year of high school. As much as i hated to not chose it, i believed that there are many more things that life will give me all those years ahead.

I wonder what will my old self says to me when he sees me in my current state. But thanks to his decision, i can be where i am today.

Thank you, little Atira.

--

The Willingness to "Wake Up"

I have one other blog that is currently active other than the main one. A blog that is fully dedicated to someone i love so much. However, as you may have known, that person had died.

Everything that i wrote in that blog was basically the written version of whenever i met her in my dreams. Sounds weird, but as loneliness keeps on gripping me, i feel like meeting her in dreams help to cure it even if it wasn't in real life.

A little bit of backstory, it was around the end of 2020 or early 2021 when i first met her again in my dream. That first dream of seeing her after her death was really well imprinted in my mind. Probably the first dream where i really refused to wake up.

Some people said that if someone, who has died, appeared in our dreams, then that person was asking us to pray for them. So i did. Throughout that day after i woke up from that dream, i prayed for her. Hoping that she did well in the afterlife.

But then i realized that there are a few things that i haven't done for her. A few things which i promised her that i would get done. One of it was to write some kind of story about what had happened between us and what could have happened between us.

After that dream, i vowed to myself that i would get those two stories finished before i run out of time. A promise to her is still a promise that i need to fulfill no matter what happens.

But then, a question crossed my mind.

Am i somehow still "asleep" in her realm, in my world of dreams?

Have i really woken up from the day i first met her in my dream? Or perhaps the first day she took me in her realm?

Have i fully gone back to the real world? Or is there still any part of me that hasn't returned yet from that realm?

--

I know there are a few people out there who read my writing that think like "Why do you keep telling the story about a dead person and you?" Or "You shouldn't keep talking about the deceased person you loved." Or "Why you don't write something else and stop mentioning someone who had passed away?"

If you asked me those kind of questions directly, i would probably answer it with "Because she meant so much to me."

However, she always told me how much she wanted me to stop dwelling in my isolation and loneliness. Alas, i think i've dwelt too long behind my wall of solitude and now when i tried to come out, nobody was there anymore.

I'm not lying when i said that i wanted to have someone i can share my everyday story with in real life. But as far as i have observed so far, i can see why people began to act like my existence was only there in the past and how the current Atira didn't exist in real life. Perhaps it was true that i haven't fully woken up from the dreams i had with her.

One day, when the story comes full circle, the realm would be dissolved by the time, the last fragment of her would disappear along with it, and i, too, would finally wake up from the long dream with her.

--

[crellanstein]

Prodigious

I find it odd how the fandom focuses so much on Aang’s childhood being ruined when he learned he was the Avatar at 12, but there’s very little talk about how discovering she was the Avatar as a toddler affected Korra’s life and how she was raised.

But we’ll circle back to that...

Because this is a good starting point to talk about one of the most prevalent themes in the story, which the mainstream discussion of tends to only focus on a few characters -- That is the Child Prodigy. 

We’ll start with the two most obvious. The ones we always talk about.

Azula.

The clearest example of your typical child prodigy (if there is anything typical about a prodigy). Azula showed early mastery of very advanced Fire-Bending techniques, and is the only Fire-Bender to use blue flames, which was intended to make her stand out amongst the other villains but is also indicative that her Fire-Bending is more pure and powerful (blue flame is produced when burning pure O2 or fuel without contaminant at a very high temperature). 

All this lead to her being praised and favored by Ozai as a child, but as double-edged swords go, this also meant she had a lot of pressure on her shoulders to never fail, and she rarely did. Her ego matched her talent, and let’s be honest she was the baddest bitch the show had ever seen. Conquering Ba Sing Se, defeating the Avatar in combat, and dropping some of the most devastating lines of dialogue in villain history; she was a force nobody wanted to reckon with. 

And that become a problem for one asshole in particular...

Being jealous of his own child is just one item on a laundry list of reasons why this guy is the worst father in the history of fathers. Azula had begun to outshine him with her victories, and Ozai’s maniacal ego couldn’t handle that, so he left her behind to babysit the Fire Nation while he went out to burn/conquer the world, which also was her idea.

And while this wasn’t the only thing that aided in her demise, it certainly was the final straw which sent her spiraling down into this...

In the end Azula is a sad example of how certain unfair expectations are placed upon talented children, and the more they succeed, the more these expectations grow and weigh on the them until they either disappoint those looking down on them or surpass and embarrass their elders.

It is a lose-lose situation which inevitably destroys them.

There is a similar example of the child prodigy, but his story goes a little different.

Aang.

Even as a twelve/thirteen year-old boy Aang by far has the most impressive stats among any character in the Avatar universe.

Basically mastering 3 of the 4 Elements in less than a year, after mastering Air by the time he is twelve (not to mention inventing his own Air-bending move, the Air scooter). 

Aang is an example of a child prodigy who had too much thrust onto him at too young an age because of the talent he showed; because of this he panicked and ran away, and the world was worse off for it. 

Aang/Sokka/Katara’s story is all about how in times of War, responsibilities normally handled by adults are pushed onto kids who then have to grow up very fast in order to deal with it all.

The message is clear. War robs the young of their childhoods. 

Now, let’s talk about a different kind of child prodigy.

The Unacknowledged. 

Yes, of course I’m talking about Toph, the greatest Earth-Bender to ever live.

Because of her blindness, Toph’s family tried to keep her sheltered and safe by hiding her from the world. Refusing to believe she could ever be more than helpless. Anyone who has seen the show knows that is far from the truth.

But because her potential went unseen, there were some negative effects to her personality. Initially, she resented her parents, and rebelled; which established a certain level of independence, a bad attitude, and a hot-headed streak. Over time spent with the Gaang these behaviors subsided because she finally had friends and they accepted her for who she was. By the end of the series she was fully willing to accept aid from them when she needed it, like holding on to Sokka’s arm in environment where her bending couldn’t help her “see”. 

Toph’s story is a foil to Azula’s, both showed immense talent and badassery, but while recognition of Azula lead to ever-mounting pressure for her to succeed; the lack of recognition for Toph created a need for her to be acknowledged and set an undercurrent of frustration which leads to her acting out in the ways she does.

The lesson to take from Toph’s story is not to shelter your kid from the world out of fear for their safety, and to be open to recognizing their talents, not shun them.

Next are two more Unacknowledged.

Katara and Sokka.       

Their story, and the reason behind their circumstances, is one of the more complicated and nuanced ones in the series, so here we’ll focus on how it fits into the subject of discussion.

Because of the War, Katara was robbed not only of her mother but also of any Southern Masters to train her, and any role models Sokka could have looked up to left with his father to fight. Because of this Katara’s potential and Sokka’s genius went unacknowledged not due to neglect but rather due to circumstance. (Yes, I think Sokka is a genius, how many 15 yr olds do you know that can plan an invasion, design submarines, and spit poetry off the cuff?).

This is a further example of how War robs kids of necessary childhood experiences, and these two robberies had particular effects on both Katara and Sokka’s character developments.

Sokka had the responsibility of protecting his home put upon him at a young age. The men of his tribe leaving prevented him from completing his rite of manhood until the Gaang ran into Bato of the Water Tribe, and early on Sokka was constantly trying to prove himself as a man and a leader. Sokka is one of the smarter characters of the series, but he rarely got credit for it until the third season. Not to mention that because he wasn’t a bender he often seemed less useful than the others. The circumstances of war made his talent go unnoticed and because of that he often was unsure of himself and overcompensated to prove something.

Speaking of talent going unnoticed.

Katara is definitely one of the more talented benders of the series. After training herself for years with little progress, she essentially mastered Water-Bending in a few weeks under Master Pakku. While her anger towards the Fire-Nation mostly centers around the loss of her mother, it can’t be ignored that the delay in her training was a direct result of the Fire-Nations’ actions.  Toph’s anger and frustration vented itself as rebellion. However, the same frustration and anger is within Katara, but because she wasn’t as natural a bender as Toph she sought to learn and be respected, and when that was denied to her is when that anger bubbled to the surface in some terrifying ways. 

While Toph’s talent went unnoticed because of her families neglect, Katara and Sokka’s wasn’t acknowledged because there was nobody to acknowledge it. Because of that both brother and sister wanted to prove themselves to the world.

And then there is Zuko.

I know what you’re thinking. Zuko wasn’t a prodigy, his Fire-Bending skill didn’t catch up with Azula’s until the finale and he never mastered Lightning-Bending, but this section is about the Unacknowledged.

Zuko had many other talents besides Fire-Bending, he was a master swordsmen, and was able to successfully break into every secure facility he attempted in the show (which was almost every secure facility the show featured).  Unfortunately, these talents were never recognized, because the only thing the royal family cared about was bending ability (It’s possible the reason he learned the sword was because he lacked skill in Fire-Bending). 

As per usual with Zuko, this part of his tale is quite sad. Many can relate to being outshined by a sibling, and when it becomes all too clear that one cannot match another’s talent it’s quite understandable to focus on what they do excel at, but even then there is no promise of recognition for their own talent. Zuko was even mocked by his father during the solar eclipse when Ozai tried baiting him into attacking with his swords. 

This lack of recognition is one of many sad aspects of Zuko’s early life, but it is a definitive example of one of the hardest unacknowledged prodigy’s cross to bear. The Outshone prodigy, one whose talents are never noticed because a bigger and brighter star stands in the way of such recognition, and arguably the most frustrating type mentioned here. Toph/Sokka/Katara all came from situations were there was no recognition being given to them or anyone, but Zuko had to bear watching massive amounts of praise be piled on to his sister while he and his accomplishments went by the way side.

Ozai summed up the situation best.

“Azula was born lucky, Zuko was lucky to be born”

Alright now where have I been going with all this?

So, far we’ve covered a lot of wrong ways to treat a child, whether they show talent or not, and how the circumstances of war can also take many things from children.

But what happened to Korra?

(Before we get into to this I should state that I like Korra, and the purpose of this is not to bash her as a character or her arc, but rather to give a little of my insight into it.)

It’s well established that Aang was told of his heritage too young, and that was a detriment on his development into an adult, but what would have happened if he realized his powers himself not long after he could walk? We’ll never know, but we do get to see the effects it had on Korra. 

When she revealed herself as the Avatar, Korra set her entire life in a new direction, and because Aang tasked the White Lotus with finding and training her that direction was out of her control. There are two key differences between Korras’ and other Avatars’ lives.

1. She grew up in isolation on a White Lotus compound.

Every Avatar before Korra we know of spent a portion of their early lives traveling the world in order to master the elements; along this journey they not only learned how to bend the other 3 elements, buy also many things about the 3 other nations and the world they are tasked to protect as a whole. By confining Korra in safety and bringing the masters to her the White Lotus deprived Korra of this opportunity to learn and grow and understand the world and the people within in. It also deprived her of learning modern bending styles until she reached Republic City.

While this might have kept Korra safe from the Red Lotus, it grew within her a naiveté about how the world worked, and because of this when she actually did venture out into the world she was terribly unprepared for it.

2.  She was trained and mastered 3 of the elements by the time she was 16.

Most Avatars don’t know they have this power until they reach 16 and then they spend several years learning to control it. Korra’s natural talent in the bending lead to her training being expedited not by necessity like Aang’s, but due to her talent and eagerness. Korra excelled at the physical part of being the Avatar and because of this by the time she reached maturity she had become over-confident in her abilities and true to what her Fire-Bending master said in Ep.1 she lacked restraint.

I’m not saying her bending isn’t great, but rather because it is so great it’s her go-to solution to anything, and she enjoys that so she uses it with enthusiastic gusto and not a lot of thinking before striking.

This overconfidence coupled with her naiveté of the world is what lead to many of her rash decisions and actions, most of which had negative consequences, and I believe are the reason behind some fan are dissatisfied with her. Aang had been almost the complete opposite, even by the age of twelve he was an experienced world traveler and an incredibly humble guy. 

Some may have been dissatisfied by these character decisions, but they served a purpose, they are only the beginning of her arc. The internal challenge Korra must overcome through 4 seasons is to humble herself before the world, and learn from it. This was finally achieved in the 4th season when the metal poisoning in her body forces her to face others in the world as equals, only then had she completed her journey.

And why did it all go this way?

Because she is a very unique child prodigy, what she demonstrates in the first episode of LOK would be akin to a toddler playing the violin or hitting a three-pointer; she could bend 3 elements close to just after learning to walk. That is the kind of prodigious talent rarely seen because it is mostly impossible. How does a rational person handle a child like that? 

It’s a tough question, and something this essay has been circling around the whole time. Each example here is the wrong way to handle talented and different children, but what is the right way?

As always look to Iroh.

Who treated his surrogate son Zuko with both respect and compassion. 

Unlike Toph’s parents, Iroh worried over Zuko’s well being, but also allowed him to be independent, make his own decisions, and take his own risks.

Unlike the Nomad Leaders, he didn’t want Zuko weighed down by his position in the world and the responsibility that came with, and always encouraged him relax and take advantage of the moment.

Unlike Ozai, Iroh would always be there to support Zuko in his victories and his failures. Iroh shows him the right path but does not force him down it.

And even after Zuko betrayed and abandoned him.

Iroh was never angry with him, and embraced him upon his return.

He wanted Zuko to grow and be a better man. Even if Zuko wasn’t a prodigy like his sister. 

And that is the answer here. The way to raise a prodigy is the same way anyone should raise any child. Love, Support, a Guiding Hand rather than a Forceful Shove, Recognition of What Makes Them Unique, and Forgiveness When They Falter. The problem comes along when you start treating children differently because you see them as different or special. All children are different, all children are special.

Kids are kids, and they all deserve a proper childhood.  

[formula-what]

Brocedes time line for a very patient anon

Lewis quotes in orange, Nico quotes in pink, everyone else is blue.

okay first some background knowledge:

Nico is rich as fuck. only child, born in Germany, brought up in Monaco. son of world champion Keke Rosberg

Lewis was born on a council estate in Stevenage and his dad had to work multiple jobs for him to start karting

Honestly I think the difference in their backgrounds is one of the things that pushed them together, they were both isolated from the rest of the kids, but I’m keeping this purely facts rather than speculation.

2000

They’re both 15 years old and are karting teammates for MBB (Mercedes Benz McLaren) in Formula A

Robert Kubica: “there was always competition. But they didn’t fight. It was friendly competition. There was always laughing afterwards.” // “they would even have races to eat pizza”

They often shared hotel rooms at the races which was a “scene of many wrestling matches between them”

Dino Chiesa (their karting boss) – “many times I was called by reception about some problem in the room. It might be noise, or they might have broken something. They would never sleep so they were always tired the next morning”

“they both liked ice cream so much, particularly vanilla. During the night they wanted to eat ice cream always, so I had to go out everywhere to find some and keep them happy”

Lewis would often persuade Nico to buy him sweets

They would have competitions over LITERALLY EVERYTHING

Lewis: “we always had great competition whether on the racetrack or computer games or playing football”

“probably the first bit of competition we had was when Nico used to ride a unicycle everywhere so I thought, ‘I’ve got to learn how to ride this unicycle. Ive got to be better than him.’ I spent all my time outside the go-kart learning to ride this unicycle”

Apparently it only took Lewis 2 hours to teach himself how to do it

In maybe 2013 ish (when they were still friends) Lewis reflected with– “I have never laughed so much than when we were racing together. Nico was kicking everyone’s butt at that time. We had so great races together and built a great relationship”

“we were just arriving and enjoying go-karts and eating pizzas every weekend, fighting all the time and just having fun, whereas now it’s all business.”

many times they would talk about what they would do when they got to f1, made plans hoping to be teammates and become world champions together.

“Nico would say ‘when I’m in formula one’ and for me it was always ‘if I ever get to formula one’. Because obviously Nico’s dad was a formula 1 driver- he knew he was going to make it.”

F1

Nico joined f1 in 2006 with williams, Lewis 2007 with McLaren. And man I WISH I knew what went down with this two when Lewis nearly one his rookie season (missing out by one point to mr fernando alonso) and then WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP in his SECOND SEASON (again by one point thank you mr alonso)

2008 Australia

Nicos gets his first podium, and ofc Lewis is there (he won it) and they are jumping around in the cool down room. Just, two kids who are literally living the one thing they have spent their whole lives dreaming about together. Lewis won the championship that year and oh wow I can only imagine their celebrations together.

2013

They’re teammates in Mercedes!!!

Nico: “every other day there are moments or things that pop up and I can smirk and thing, ‘that’s exactly the same as it was 15 years ago’”

2013 Malaysian Grand Prix gets an honourable mention. This is the race with red bulls good old multi 21 but merc also had their own team orders, stopping nico from fighting for his first merc podium, but Lewis disagreed with it so it didn’t really spark that much tension between them- more the team.

2014

the start of the turbo-hybrid era so y’all know this was good in terms of performance.

2014 Bahrain Grand Prix

They were both fighting for the win and had a collision which prompted a “mock fight” in parc ferme after the race (which I really hope there’s a video of).

Turns out, Nico won because he had used engine modes banned by Mercedes to get a power advantage in the closing laps. which kinda pissed Lewis off

2014 Spanish Grand Prix

Lewis’ fourth win in a row and took lead in the championship. They were fighting till literally the last second and Lewis crossed the line 0.6 seconds ahead of Nico, who says he could have passed him with one more lap.

Lewis defended using the same banned engine modes that Nico had used in Bahrain. Yeah.

2014 Monaco Grand Prix

This is IT. This is peak petty bitch. This is the one people still cry about.

It’s the end of Q3, both of them are out on a lap, Nico ahead of lewis. Nico’s already on provisional pole but Lewis is pretty close.

And then,, Nico just,, parks his car?? He says he made a mistake but the guy doesn’t even crash he straight up just,, rolls to a stop into a slip road. So the yellow flags come out forcing Lewis to abort a lap that was in the makings of pole.

The stewards say it was a-okay but Lewis was convinced it was intentional (and let’s be honest, yeah it probably was) and he even claimed that merc’s data proved it. (low key surprised he didn’t just tweet out the telemetry but I guess he got a stern telling off from mclaren last time)

But *this* is when Lewis tells the world that they aren’t friends anymore. An iconic interview.

Nico then wins the race too, ending Lewis’s four win streak and putting Nico in the lead of the championship.

2014 Hungarian Grand Prix

Lewis has an engine failure in quali meaning he starts from the pit lane, but he does good to make his way up the pack but THEN there’s a safety car which puts him ahead of Nico but on a different strategy.

Nico asks if Lewis can let him past as he needs to pit again before the end of the race, which will give him the place back anyways. Lewis straight up refuses, he’s on a role here. He started from last, and Nico started from pole, why should he slow down to let his title rival through.

Mercedes strongly suggest that his blocking fucked up Nicos race but Niki Lauda is on Lewis’ side so he doesn’t get punished (We stan a supportive father figure) even though he did blatantly refuse to be a team player.

And guys, this is the last race before the summer break so you know Nico was left seething for four weeks.

2014 Belgian Grand Prix

Second lap, Nico attempts a clumsy move and there’s contact, giving Hamilton a puncture and knocking him out of the race.

There’s a lot of controversy but basically it turns out he crashed with him intentionally, not backing out of the corner to “prove a point”. Nico ended up finishing second but was punished by the team, forced to apologise, and even booed on the podium.

2014 Abu Dhabi

For some reason it ran for double points?? The first time in History??? But idk???

Lewis had a perfect start and went on to win it and take the title, Nico had a problem and was told to retire the car but he kept going anyway and finished 14th. Nico went into the cool down room to congratulate Lewis on the championship win, which. cute.

Lewis claimed his second championship. Which not only was huge because of the inter team rivalry, but also because of the large gap between his first win. This guy had lost out on winning the championship in his ROOKIE season by ONE POINT, and then WON it in his SECOND season, and then there was like a FIVE YEAR gap before he won it again.

2015

Damnnn this car was fiiiinneeeeeee.

They do more laps in testing than any other car AND do it on a single power unit. And then. Australia. They take a one-two THIRTY FOUR seconds ahead of the third place Ferrari.

2015 Chinese Grand Prix

Nico is second in a one-two but claims that Lewis kept backing him up into Seb, trying to compromise his race (and help out his boyfriend).

Lewis gave zero shits: "It's not my job to look after Nico's race, it's my job to manage the car and bring the car home as healthy and as fast as possible. That's what I did."

2015 U.S. Grand Prix

If Lewis wins here he could also claim the title with three races to spare (you have to remember back then the title fight often went up to the last race so this was pretty cool)

Lewis very aggressively forced Rosberg wide at Turn 1 to claim the lead, and then there was some sexy fighting between the Mercs and Redbull all race. Nico led in the closing stages but made a mistake, running deep into a corner and letting Lewis past with only a handful of laps to go.

Nico finished P2 and had not only lost the race but the championship title. Nico was fuming, saying Lewis’ move at the start was “one step too far”.

This is the infamous cap throw in the cool down room. Lewis throws Nico his P2 hat, Nico straight up yeets it back at him. I tear up just thinking about it. They grow up so fast.

2016

Nico had came so close to winning and I guess this was just, the last straw. All or nothing. This year he literally gave it everything he had. Lewis and him stopped speaking, Nico gave up literally the rest of his life and even stopped sleeping in the same bed as his wife and taking care of his kids, instead spending every moment trying to get into Lewis’ head. Honestly, I think he might be the only one that could beat Lewis. Just because he knew him *so well*. He literally threw away like 16 years of friendship. But also it’s like, he had to be world champion. He *had to*. His dad was champion and his whole life he’s been preparing to win it too. Tough luck that he raced in the same era as Mr. Best Driver The Sport Has Ever Seen.

Nico won the last few races of 2015, and the first four races of 2016. Lewis had a couple car problems and Nico had a good lead on him in the championship.

2016 Spanish Grand Prix

Gentlemen. A short view back to the past. Nico had made a switch error on the formation lap causing the car to go into the wrong engine mode. So he was running a lot slower than Lewis, who was fighting to claim back the lead.

Nico closed the door to keep him back, and Lewis lost control on the grass, and spins into Nico and taking them both out of the race in the first lap. This is probably one of the most iconic crashes. I’m pretty sure there’s a clip of this somewhere in black and white with the titanic music over the top.

Niki Lauda blamed this one on Lewis (I guess even a supportive dad has to be critical sometimes) "Lewis is too aggressive. It is stupid, we could've won this race".

2016 Austrian Grand Prix

Nico had been struggling with a brake issue all race but was still on the way to win it. But in the last lap Lewis had caught him up and gone in for the overtake.

Typical Nico not taking any shit, refusing to be the guy that backs out and they collide. Lewis took the win and a damaged Nico dropped to fourth. From first. In the last lap.

Both of them blamed each other and tired dad team boss Toto Wolff threatened team orders in future races.

The stewards blamed Nico for the incident, issuing him two penalty points for failing to allow "racing room" and causing a collision.

2016 Abu Dhabi

In the final laps of the race, Lewis ignored team-orders from his race engineer and the technical director.

He deliberately slowed and backed Nico into the pack hoping they overtake him, and there would be enough of a points difference to win the title.

Nico finished second and won the title by five points.

And then,,, Nico announced a surprise retirement during the FIA prize giving ceremony.

Lewis’ response:

"This is the first time he's won in 18 years, hence why it was not a surprise that he decided to stop.” (We stan a petty king)

“But he's also got a family to focus on and probably wants to have more children. Formula One takes up so much of your time."

“In terms of missing the rivalry, of course because we started karting when we were 13 and we would always talk about being champions. When I joined this team, Nico was there, which was something we spoke about when we were kids. So it's going to be very, very strange, and, for sure, it will be sad to not have him in the team next year."

And now they are kind of on speaking terms but not really, they are both pretty private but I think they are at the ‘awkward small talk when we run into each other at the supermarket’ stage of the break up.

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

jester began falling in love with caleb in episode 103.

not any earlier in my opinion, and not later, either.

there's two elements to why i believe e103 is the turning point.

(1) the first is caleb's actions and jester's responses to them during the night they all sleep by the waterfall—his support of her idea to sleep underwater, his conversation with her after her commune with artagan, and his casting of programmed illusion in the dome.

(2) the second is the way her behavior toward caleb pivots around e103. before e103 is a noticeably different beast to how she begins to treat him after e103—the attention she pays him, her efforts to hold more standout interactions with him, and a dramatic swell of emotion and thematic meaning in these scenes’ respective subtext.

the rumblecusp arc is the point in which jester’s character growth, and caleb’s efforts to unconditionally support her, really begin to shine. throughout the complex growing pains that jester and artagan's relationship was experiencing, the one person who truly takes a moment to offer her support without any agenda or judgment is caleb.

(e103, 1:22:55, bold mine)

CALEB: You okay over there?

JESTER: (tearful) Yeah, I'm fine. Just—I'm just drawing.

CALEB: Maybe didn't go as well as you were hoping?

JESTER: Um... In some ways it went better. But no.

CALEB: I can't speak for him. But you do have us.

JESTER: I know.

CALEB: So whatever you land on, Jester, we'll make it happen.

JESTER: (shaky laugh) I have to figure out what I want to land on.

CALEB: That is the, uh—sticky wicket, isn't it?

JESTER: Yeah. Everything's confusing.

CALEB: Maybe... Maybe we sleep on it, it'll make more sense in the morning.

JESTER: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Caleb.

CALEB: I didn't do anything.

jester confesses that her commune with artagan didn’t provide the answers she was hoping for—that he knew about the curse on the island—and caleb doesn’t remark on what that seems like. he deliberately avoids speculating on why artagan is doing these things because “he can’t speak for him.” he doesn’t assume anything about what she might choose to do and explicitly leaves that choice up to her. jester vents briefly about how difficult the choice is, and caleb offers her reassurance, a reminder that some time will make things clearer. he doesn’t suggest solutions.

unlike fjord or beau, caleb doesn’t ask her to voice outright whether artagan is being a good friend. he doesn’t continually question his character and imply any personal opinions to her or what he thinks she should do. instead, he asks whether she’s okay. he listens. and he offers unconditional support.

this is consistently the stance caleb takes in the rumblecusp arc. and it’s not discussed much, i think, exactly how monumental that was to jester.

(hold on, this is a long one.)

jester is a young woman who grew up sheltered and wants to define herself outside of that shelter. for her, this campaign has essentially been a coming-of-age journey (talks for e76-77, 14:12). she is deeply sensitive to whether or not she’s respected because she’s aware of how her personality and general lack of experience makes others think she’s naive, immature, or incapable (talks for e79, 31:51).

it’s also incredibly evident that her relationship with artagan is unique. in e105 (1:15:01), jester tells the m9, “he really got me through a lot when i was younger, you know? and he was all i had, really.” he was her best friend from childhood in a home where she spent most of her time hidden in a single room. when she was younger, the few times she left the chateau, she was bullied by other girls (e110, 3:34:59). her best friend, though? her best friend was a god. a god with an incredible sense of humor, an aggrandizing attitude, and adoring respect for a young girl in a difficult situation who had as wonderful a personality as him. in every way that matters, artagan’s friendship undoubtedly saved jester’s life.

and she is so, so aware of this. she cares for him deeply, trusts him unconditionally, and is determined to be there for the one person who had been there for her when no one else was, not even her mother.

the renegotiation of this friendship after artagan revealed his full identity was clearly extraordinarily difficult for jester. she was having to reevaluate her entire relationship with the being that pulled her through a childhood of isolation and misery, question his intentions with her and whether they could even remain friends at all. and this was amidst her arrival at a dangerous island with her other friends to help him clean up his mistakes.

asking her to make a judgment on artagan before she’s ready to do it on her own, while managing some high expectations at the same time—not only is it a lot of pressure, it’s frustrating and painful. jester did not want to judge artagan without giving him his fair due and a proper conversation. knowing that her new friends dislike her old friend, besides being hurt by it, distracted her. she had to both defend him outwardly and interrogate him internally. and if she tried to explain how important artagan is to her, a lot of vulnerability would’ve been necessary when she was trying to be a leader and seem competent and capable, instead of a child who needs patronizing guidance.

this latter point is exceptional. because jester lavorre is so vulnerable when it comes to how much she thinks her loved ones respect her and consider her a valuable, equal, and trustworthy individual. and it’s difficult to feel like you’re being valued and trusted when people are repeatedly questioning you about a person and a relationship that they don’t understand in a way that, despite genuine concern, comes across as them doubting your own judgment of one of the most intimate parts of your life.

in this precise moment in e103, caleb is the only person who acknowledges—to her in person, even—that he doesn't have any place in judging her relationship with artagan. that it’s not what she needs from him or anyone else. that he’s content waiting for her to reach a decision. that he will respect that decision.

and jester can believe him. caleb’s done nothing but remain consistent on this stance. he repeatedly supports her choices to run travelercon, trust artagan, and come to his aid.

when other party members question artagan's legitimacy, caleb is the one who almost always speaks up to support jester (some examples: e61, 30:43 / e77, 49:17 / e95, 1:09:17 and 1:15:24).

he actively and enthusiastically offers his magical talents to her to provide for the event preparations. he has a whole conversation with her in e91 (beginning 1:53:41) where he expresses his immense respect for her and her personality, explicitly validates her faith in artagan, and shows her a tangible example of how he wants to help her during the upcoming travelercon. when she suggests some ideas, despite their arguable silliness, caleb takes them at face value and openly admits his lack of expertise in this area (e91, 1:58:35).

when they first arrive at rumblecusp, he directly reassures jester about the ‘travelercon 3000’ banner she leaves on the wrong beach by mentioning that he can make her a new banner (e101, 48:18). once preparations begin in earnest, caleb expends spells very freely, including ones of higher-level, to produce whatever jester requests.

in e103, he hears out her idea of sleeping underwater and gives it equal consideration in spite of other party members trying to shoot it down. the first time she suggests it (36:23), caduceus comments against it and no other party member acknowledges her except for caleb, who agrees with her quietly while the others move on. the second time jester suggests it (46:08), veth comments against it and caleb steps in to openly agree that it’s a good idea, even after fjord and beau join veth in being dubious.

compare these active, consistent moments of support and validation from caleb to similarly active and consistent examples of the other attitudes that manifest during the rumblecusp arc, in contradiction to people’s apparent claims of trust (one such claim of trust: e95, 1:00:21).

plainly insulting artagan to jester as if it’s a given, such as fjord’s “he’s generally full of shit, right?” (e107, 49:42);

fjord, beau, and caduceus’s conversation about “not ruining jester’s big day,” yet distrusting artagan to the extent of planning to keep her from being alone with him, preparing to attack him should he try to sacrifice 200 people for some speculated unknown ritual and/or hurt jester, and discussing all of this behind jester’s back (e108, beginning 15:41);

caduceus’s said shift to distrust of artagan because of a semi-disturbing conversation that jester was equally a part of (e107, beginning 20:40);

and the discussion right before jester’s commune with artagan where beau questions if artagan sent them to rumblecusp knowing of the memory problems, without regard for their well-being (e103, 29:40).

the unfortunate assumption being made by these party members’ repeated questioning and protectiveness of jester is that she cannot be trusted to have good judgment. despite their familiarity with some of the context of her relationship with artagan (especially after e105), they disregard her repeatedly-expressed support of him. they indirectly disrespect her ability to judge for herself whether someone is dangerous to her or her friends. they don’t acknowledge jester’s own role in creating dubious situations and instead direct all their negative feelings and sense of fault to artagan, minimizing her agency.

the e108 conversation is a dense microcosm of how the party perpetrates these assumptions throughout the rumblecusp arc as a whole. without qualm, they discuss deliberately controlling jester’s time with artagan to ‘protect’ her and their willingness to kill the evil image they’ve constructed of him, and dodge jester directly asking them what they’re talking about—even though it is a known given that the m9 would defend her with their lives with or without any prior discussion. the purpose of holding this conversation isn’t to make sure that jester is safe. like caduceus near-explicitly says, it’s to “feel better knowing” that “anybody else was on board with this” (20:26 and 18:57)—to validate their unacknowledged distrust of jester’s judgment with each other, behind her back.

and as laura has said: jester, with her very high wisdom, tends to know what’s going on even if she acts like she doesn’t (talks for e79, 32:39).

in e103, when jester is crying because she’s found out that artagan did know about the island’s memory problems, caleb doesn’t show any sign of taking this as proof of artagan's ill intent. what he does instead: he offers compassion for her pain with zero judgment. he promises to support her, no matter what she ultimately decides to make of this information. these are offers of safety and trust, ones that jester desperately needed.

then—caleb creates a programmed illusion of the m9’s lives. and it’s beautiful.

in comparison to all the analysis prior, this moment is straightforward. jester is an artist. she paints, draws, and creates, and she loves doing it. moreover, she loves making art for other people. though she doesn’t get many chances to do so, the mural of a flowery meadow that she paints for yasha’s room in the xhorhaus is a perfect example. similarly, she enjoys the art she makes when defacing other people’s property—altered signage or statue of the platinum dragon painted in rainbow—in part because they’re gifts to the traveler. she loves making those she loves happy.

happiness and love to jester is overwhelmingly about emotional intimacy. i’ve talked about this to some degree in a previous post about jester’s jealousy. please refer there for in-depth explanation. in brief, though, she puts value on how deeply she knows a person; how often she’s been able to be there for them. this is the love she learned from her mother and from artagan, and how she continues to love once she’s older.

caleb’s arcane rendition of the m9′s lives floating around the inside of the dome is a display of exactly this kind of love. not only is it art crafted from his magic and imagination and love—it’s blatant evidence of how much he cares for every member of the party and where they’ve come from. he remembers their stories and hangs them in the air in hopes that it’ll help them resist the memory erasing. he moves the memory of yasha and zuala in a meadow over to yasha’s pillow-side so she can watch it until she falls asleep. he creates a memory for vilya of her, her husband, and her daughter, listening to and respecting the emotional gravity of what she’s confiding in them.

only a few minutes after jester’s disappointing commune with artagan and her conversation with caleb, she walks into the dome and sees this art. she laughs and stares in wonder at all the memories (e103, 1:46:08). when beau points out the humorous memories of fjord being attacked by turtles so they can all laugh, she tells caleb with equal awe and joy, “wow. this is amazing, caleb” (e103, 1:47:04).

...of course, as lovely and meaningful as these back-to-back moments were for jester, it's not quite evidence of her starting to fall in love with caleb around this time.

that’s where the following episodes come in.

[id: three screenshots of messages sent in a discord channel by the user “prim” (the op). all are timestamped to friday, august 28, 2020, the day after the live premiere of e107. the first has an additional timestamp of 12:53 PM, the second 1:03 PM, and the third 1:30 PM. they read:

honest to god though i don't know if it's just the shipper brain that is making me think laura is trying to roleplay jester beginning to reciprocate caleb's feelings [...]

like........ the golden dick hunt teasing is definitely on par with jester's past shenanigans, but the compliments have been Catching My Attention bc it's honestly not normal for jester to compliment caleb of her own volition like that, just as a one-on-one "i appreciate you" reassurance

and i'm thinking less about the spells from last night's episode (although how much jester was emphasizing the compliments made me go "awwwww") and more of the moments like jester telling caleb "that was impressive" after getting cad out of the tunnel with beau's help

but laura is absolutely a shipping troll with jester this campaign so i'm here like "I'M MAYBE 80% SURE I'M BEING FUCKED WITH BUT IT MAYBE HOLDS UP????" [...]

basically laura keeps doing things that make the alarm in my brain go off and i don't know if i'm picking up something legit or if i'm projecting my hopes, like the recent pattern of compliments from jester LOL

/end id.]

i’m not going to lie, if i try to list every single receipt like i otherwise prefer to do in these metas, i think we (and especially i) would all lose our minds. so while i’m about to provide a lot of citations, they genuinely are just a few possible examples that will mostly be within the dozen episodes after e103.

the more important detail that can be observed from this is that e103 is a turning point.

prior to e103, jester does not particularly go out of her way to interact with caleb. by and large, most of their direct interactions are either initiated by caleb or prompted by the context of a general party conversation. the majority of other moments that could be referred to as ‘widojest’ are of caleb’s evident feelings. beyond early campaign days, jester rarely teases caleb about sexual topics while insinuating things about her own sexual life at the same time.

after e103, laura and jester begin to go out of their way to interact with and intertwine jester’s time with caleb.

the rate of jester’s compliments and enthusiastic gratitude to caleb skyrocket (some examples: e104, 30:36 / e107, 16:49 and 1:11:28 and 1:12:15 and 3:10:39 / e110, 15:58 and 3:37:24 / e111, 36:15 and 38:41 and 50:58);

several mature jokes/flirtations she makes involve both caleb and herself (examples: e107, 1:16:17 / e110, 1:18:07 / e115, 1:52:53);

she deliberately and specifically engages caleb in full-blown interactions, such as the conversations during the tour of her childhood bedroom (e110, beginning 1:11:38), hanging out with him on the icebreaker ship (e112, beginning 3:45:29), and the reading of der katzenprinz (e115, beginning 1:52:43);

as well as the expansion of more extended ‘conversations’ like their motif of dancing (e108, 13:39 / e109, 2:54:14), their parental relationships (e110, 20:44 and 3:38:41 / e115′s der katzenprinz / e121, beginning 1:52:12), and polymorph shenanigans (examples: e107, beginning 2:58:41 / e117, beginning 1:13:55 / e118, 43:57).

thrown in are additional background details that further tie jester to caleb, such as her determination to recover caleb’s amulet after their defeat of vokodo (e106, 25:33), the knowing comments on his purchasing of paper (e109, 22:32 / e111, 1:25:49), her deliberate choice to ride whaleb during the avantika chase (e113, 2:32:28), her retrieval of caleb’s coat when he’s attempting to remove the necromantic emerald (e115, 1:30:56), and her deliberate reference to der katzenprinz to iver (e120, 3:05:14);

and simply everything about the tower. it’s another example of the art and creativity caleb produces with his magic to make his loved ones happy, which jester acknowledges at least twice (refer to the e111 compliments). contrarily, jester also makes note of the signs that this tower shows less love to caleb than she thinks he deserves, in keeping with her value of emotional intimacy (e115’s der katzenprinz / e122’s floor 8, room 1).

the reading of der katzenprinz in e115 is arguably the pinnacle of these examples. it’s intentionally initiated by jester. she both takes the step to visit caleb's room and indirectly requests him to read the story to her. laura’s implication that she remembered this subplot because of beau’s reading of a very romantic letter from yasha is particularly suggestive. the story itself incorporates many similar characters and themes that are present in jester’s backstory: the lonely, sheltered boy and his single working mom as jester and marion; the dubious cat prince who ultimately gives the boy freedom and confidence as artagan; and the deep love between the boy and his mother because of how they only have each other, which compels a powerful being to have compassion and thus set the boy free so that they can be together. very similar to both jester’s depth of relationship with her mother and her pleas on artagan’s behalf to the moonweaver’s celestial servant.

and the post-story conversation—caleb’s confiding of its importance to him because of his mother. jester’s open willingness to compare the cat prince to artagan, knowing that caleb respects their friendship and has treated artagan fairly. jester’s lingering, repeated looks toward caleb while smiling and holding her copy of der katzenprinz to her heart.

with all this dramatic expansion of the emotional and thematic intimacy between jester and caleb beginning to roll down the hill after e103—in brilliant contrast to their more muted, less reciprocal dynamic before this episode—e103 is more than likely the turning point of jester’s feelings. and based on the events and context, it was caused by the combined emotional appeal of caleb’s offer of unconditional support and his display of love for his family in the programmed illusion of memories.

[yandere-sins]

Hi! Would it be possible for you to do some general hcs (sfw/nsfw) about yandere! Gojo satoru (jujutsu kaisen)? You said in a precedent post there was a yandere potential in jjk characters so I'd like you to elaborate if it's not too much! Thank you so much 💜

Thank you for requesting! I don’t really like doing general headcanons since there are so many possibilities depending on situations, but I tried my best! Hope you enjoy ♥

»»———————— ♡ ————————««    

No Spice

♡ Satoru is quite the delusional and manipulative fellow who can cause a lot of confusion to his darling. One moment he’s joking around and conversing leisurely with them, the next, he pins them against the wall and asks who that person is exactly they just mentioned going on a date with. They can be certain that that person never shows up to the date, but Gojo is right there, waiting for them instead. He prefers isolating his darling somewhere and cornering them, bathing in all their attention - both good and bad - and acting childishly jealous when they prioritize anything over him. They can never be sure if he’s joking or being serious like so many other people fail to notice when it comes to Satoru. However, him appearing anywhere and everywhere doesn’t help them at all to gather their thoughts and understand what is going on

♡ On the surface, it looks like the two of them get along very well, even though what looks like a close relationship is more of a paranoid walk through the day for the darling. Gojo often comes to pick them up for a surprise adventure, and if he didn’t have his hand on their wrist pulling them along, they’d undoubtedly refuse his kind of ‘fun’ and be alone instead of tagging along on yet another weekend away from home. It might have been fun at first to hang out with him, but it very quickly becomes too hard to reject his invitations even if they feel completely drained after a long week. Gojo simply is too much to be around, even if it started innocently. But his adventures become more and more obscene or downright dangerous and way out of his darlings comfort zone, and every time they are out with another, he grows bolder and more demanding of them too. Their home life, hobbies, and acquaintances are pushed back so much that once they are alone for a change, they start wondering what he’s doing just to escape from the overwhelming possibilities they have

♡ It’s incredibly hard to read Satoru, especially without being able to make eye-contact most of the time. His lips curled into a smile don’t always mean he’s happy or benevolent, but how would they know when all he does is butter them up and sweet-talk? Surely they gave up on the belief that he’s just being a friend to them, but what are they supposed to do with this lovesick man monopolizing them wholly? If there’s something he deems more important than whatever his darling is up to, there’s no talking out of his demands, and occasionally, their wishes are ignored in favor of his. Gojo exploits every insecurity they have with sharp, targeted sentences to have them act how he wants them to, and he does it in a way no one can even be angry with him

♡ However, once he does break, his darling gets to experience first hand what it means to clash with his enormous ego. They must like him too, right? After all he did, everything he showed them, all the time they spent together - there’s no way the connection he felt to them is wrong. They can scream and cry, but they are not getting out of this now, not after making him fall for them with every smile and laugh that fell off their lips because he caused it. He’s been patient and sweet, but their complaints and rejection don’t sit right with him. Satoru doesn’t fear death, fights, and wounds, but he lost someone important to him before, and that’s a pain he will not experience again. As little as there is in the world, he will have his darling, safe and sound, and all to himself no matter what he has to do to achieve his goal

Spicy (Rated Lemon)

♡ Gojo truly doesn’t yield, especially not if he has a goal. It might very well be his pleasure, but he won’t shy away from forcing himself onto his darling if they test him with continuous denial. Leaving fluttering kisses all over their hands, which push him away, or sucking on their fingers, he often at least causes them to startle or retreat, giving him enough time to pin them down. He will use his Infinity if his darling is particularly strong and rowdy; after all, there’s no need for either of them to get hurt

♡ Nothing riles him up quite like kissing. He loves to crash his lips down on them, the two separating breathless and with strings of saliva hanging from their lips. Satoru makes it seem effortless to entangle their tongues and taste his darling thoroughly before giving them some relief in the form of air. There’s nothing he enjoys as much as getting to know their mouth better and have their irritated, yet sweet moans vibrate against his tongue, and Gojo isn’t too shy to let his lips wander, leaving marks and hickeys all over their skin, either

♡ However, that’s not the only thing his tongue is good at, and if they give him the sweetest of all sounds - his name deliciously moaned by them - then he won’t waste any time pleasing them with it. Satoru quickly learns about their sweet spots and how fast/slow they like their pleasure served from him. If his kisses didn’t cloud their mind, once he’s between their legs, they’ll wonder where to look even. Then again, nothing comes for free, and he’ll demand as much attention as he gave them, cutting them off from the pleasure just before they orgasm, so they huff and squirm from his denial. Gojo knows a very effective way to shut them up, though, his hand holding their head firmly in his grasp as he rubs his cock all over their face and telling them to be good or he won’t finish what he started any time soon

♡ Once their lips open up for him, he isn’t shy to shove himself into their mouth, leaving them to gurgle their responses to his questions about how good he tastes and if they are rubbing their legs together in anticipation or because they are choking on him. Perhaps it would be easier to accept their fate if he wasn’t so keen on - literally - shoving it down their throat and put salt into the wound with his words. But latest when he’s close to release all the built-up cum he saved for them is when his demeanor changes. Not like he’d release them, but at least he starts giving them the praise they deserve and cooing irrelevant but sweet things to them, letting them know how much he appreciates them

♡ All’s well that ends well, but before the main dish is served, Satoru won’t let anyone take it from him to smear his semen all over them, admiring the view by telling his darling how beautiful they look

[getoutofmyjaneway]

Beta Cannon: the Pre Voyager Era of Kathryn Janeway | Mosaic v The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway

This weekend, I got a copy of the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway from a local book store. For how frequently we speak about Mosaic in the community (despite having some flaws) I was shocked that I had not heard a lot about this book and assumed it was a bad thing. And yeah in some regards it was (see @mia-cooper’s post on the subject). I have a lot of feelings (I’ll post a proper review at a later point) but one thing that did stick out to me is the divergence from what we have considered Beta Canon, aka, the extended universe of Star Treks told through novels, short stories, video games, etc. After completing the novel, I jumped right into my old standby copy of Mosaic, which has dictated a lot of Janeway’s back story since 96. Both of these novels cover the beginnings of Janeway’s life and how she was shaped into the woman we know. 

TLDR The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway changes a lot of things for no reason. Some of these are for the good. Some for the bad. And some, for like no good reason at all, like it was fine as it was, and was accepted cannon for like 25 years, but sure fine whatever.

I will mention that, as Mosaic has been a book in my library and I have read it too many times, so of course, I do have a bias toward it. Additionally, I feel like it is fair to mention here that authors of Fanfiction have leaned on this as their bibles since 1996 as Mosaic is written by Jeri Taylor, one of the show-runners for Voyager. Because of its connection with a showrunner, Mosaic is also integrated into the canon of the show. It seems that most points that are taken from Mosaic in the Autobiography are only included because of their existence in cannon material.

Anyway, this review is going to focus on the characters that shape Kathryn and I will end with my final thoughts. This is long so to respect your dash, you are going to have to click keep reading. You’re welcome.

Obligatory Spoiler Warning for ALL of Mosaic, chapter 13 of Pathways, and chapters 1-7 of The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway

Edward Janeway

In all media, I feel like we can safely say that Kathryn Janeway is in fact a daddy’s girl. Her relationship with her father is very important to her, so it is interesting to see how it is portrayed very differently in both novels. In Mosaic, a lot of the highlights of Janeway’s earlier years revolve around time spent with him. From giving her special attention after ‘Your Sister’ was born, to consoling her after her losing tennis match and subsequent walk home in the rain, and trips to Mars, Kathryn mentions great fondness of quality time spent. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway he is more described as an absent father, one that she always wanted to see and please. When he was home, she wanted all of his attention and to impress him greatly. She wished to follow in his footsteps after gaining a love of flight and the stars with a plane ride and a telescope he gave her. He tried to prepare her by detaining the events of the current conflict with Cardassia and inviting Starfleet brass over for dinner. Overall, in her early childhood, it makes more sense for Edward to not be around often. There is not a lot of conflict between the sources, other than the details of the aforementioned tennis match and different childhood nicknames.  

Edward is in a crash aboard an experimental ship on Tau Ceti Prime which leads to his death. This is where the big differences begin. In Mosaic, Kathryn and her fiancé are also on board. In  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn is still on the Al-Batani. The fall out of this event has a great effect on Kathryn of course in both novels. As this is a missive shaping event of Kathryn’s life, I felt it very jarring to be changed. This moment shaped Janeway and gives us good context for why she handles situations the way she does. I see this trauma and I understand her character better, for dealing with the loss of two of the most important people in her life all at once.

Gretchen Janeway

The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway was good to Gretchen Janeway as her character is basically a blank slate. We know little about her from Mosaic as it mostly focuses on Kathryn’s relationship with her father (and other male influences in her life). It is nice to learn more things about Grechen as with Edward’s job, it is likely that Kathryn was mainly raised by her. Other than being an artist, she also wrote some of the Flotter holos and wrote a number of children’s stories about the people of Bajor during the occupation. She does a lot of humanitarian work with the refugees from Bajor during the occupation. She loves to garden and get her daughters involved. She has a close bond with Phoebe due to their overlapping interests, but you can tell that she strives to support her in what she does. Overall, I like getting know Gretchen to be someone of than Kathryn’s mother.

Phoebe Janeway

 I was shocked when researching Memory Alpha for this review, Phoebe is never named in any Cannon media up to this point (Star Trek Prodigy could very well change this). We know Janeway has a sister and she is an artist, but that is it. Both novels keep her very similar personality-wise. In both stories, Kathryn is not looking forward to being a big sister. They also both mourn the loss of their father together. In Mosaic, she is not mentioned much. Kathryn tells her she is not old enough on an off planet trip and Phoebe plays pranks on her. The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway goes much more into depth. They don’t get along when they are younger. They fight a lot. I feel this is a very realistic portrayal of real siblings, vying for attention and approval, snapping when they don’t get their way.  They both excel at what they do, Kathryn in her studies and Phoebe through her art. They seem to need to one-up each other at every turn.  As they grow up, they grow closer together, as many siblings do. Points added for giving Phoebe a wife, something which has been included in a lot of fanfiction. Overall, there are no big conflicting points.

Mark Johnson

Kathryn’s fiance at the time of the Voyager’s disappearance, Mark is a very different part of Kathryn’s life in both novels. In Mosaic, he is a childhood friend and went by his middle name Hobbs. Seemingly always two steps behind Kathryn, he did a lot of the same activities that she did, tennis and swimming in the underground cave systems. He did these poorly, and this makes Kathryn always look down upon him. They reconnected after her father’s death and she fell head-over-heels for him. Personally, I always felt this was a little uncharacteristic of Kathryn, to run away from her responsibilities to be with a man. It just seems very out of character and has always bothered me. The  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway takes a completely different approach. She meets Mark as a friend of Pheobe and her wife as a widower. They hit it off and they fall hard. You can see the conflict in Kathryn as she debates how to move forward with a relationship as they have different outlooks on life. She has a drive to explore but does not want to be an absent parent. She debates quitting, which I don’t think is something Janeway would have ever done. Overall she decides to accept Mark’s proposal just before taking command of Voyager. This makes the Dear John situation a lot more believable as it makes sense that he would want to move on with his life much quicker. Overall, I have to just ask, why? I know Mark doesn’t have a lot of character, but why change basically their whole relationship dynamic? 

Justin Tighe

Justin is a character I actually like for selfish reasons. This explains why I was very miffed that he was nowhere to be seen in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Justin is Kathryn’s first love, they were coworkers, engaged and in love, and dies in the same accident that takes her father. As a person who always wanted Chakotay and Janeway to get together, this incident perfectly gives the reason. She is afraid to get romantically involved with a crew member because of the nature of the job. This dynamic is seen between Picard and Nella Daren in TNG very well. Kathryn has learned the hard way that she can lose a person under her command and how it feels when you are in love with that person. In early Voyager, you can see she isolates herself from the crew and it takes time for her to get comfortable. And during Night she relapses to her old ways. This is the way I have always justified Janeway’s reluctance to have a romantic relationship during their time in the Delta Quadrant. By understanding her background, I have a lot of respect for that choice. Her relationship with Justin really shaped how she handles relationships and without the impact he had on her life, it actually makes her character weaker.

Owen Paris

Owen is Kathryn’s mentor. In Mosaic, they meet as he is reviewing her junior honors thesis advisor on massive compact halo objects. From here they gained a relationship built on respect and learning. It makes sense that, as he was her personal mentor, that she would be close with his family, and why she would seek out Tom as a person to bring with her to the Badlands mission. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, she does not meet him until she is on the Al-Batani. This doesn’t only weaken her relationship with Admiral Paris, but moreover weakens her relationship with Tom. If he was her superior officer, why would she develop such a ‘big sister’ mentality to Tom if she didn’t have as many opportunities to meet him?

Tuvok

Mosaic does not go too much in depth with Tuvok and Janeway’s relationship, but its sister novel Pathways does. In Pathways, Tuvok meets Janeway when he is an ensign under her command of the USS Bonestell. The Bonestell and the Billings, two ships that Janeway served on, tend to get confused a lot. Most sources have Janeway’s first command as the Voyager, Including Voyager itself -  “It doesn't seem like my first command is shaping up the way I expected,” Janeway Shattered. The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway has her and Tuvok meet on the Al-Batani. I actually really like the dynamic between them, as they grow to respect each other over a much longer period of time. I also like that, though Janeway climbs through the ranks, it does not change their relationship dynamic as she still relies on him and asks him advice as if they were equals. I think giving them a longer time to build their relationship. Also would like to note that Janeway and Tuvok also had a friendship with the original CMO of Voyager, Dr. Fitzgerald. I always wanted to know more about the Pre-Caretaker crew and I would have loved to see this dynamic and how the grief of losing a close personal friend in the Caretaker incident would impact them both.

Also I feel obligated to shout out the Janeway and Tuvok story in Star Trek Waypoint One-Shot. I need to get around to doing a series retrospective, but this short story I have not seen anyone talk about and I love it so much. Please read Waypoint. Okay next.

Other characters

Cheb - Janeway’s boyfriend in Mosaic. He was kind of an asshole and got her into trouble. He is not in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway and I see no problem with this.

Boothby - “[he is the] head groundskeeper at Starfleet Academy. When I was a cadet, he used to give me fresh roses for my quarters,” Janeway Revulsion. Boothby is not in Mosaic. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, it is explained that her mother loved to garden and this was something that Boothby did as a gradian figure to make her feel at home and destress. Makes sense.

Aisha - A childhood friend of Katheryn’s. Only in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Mosaic has this weird thing about highlighting the relationships with only the men in her life, so it is nice to see her have some other female friends.

Nexa - Katheryn’s roommate at the Academy.  Only in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Nexa helps broaden Kathryn’s horizons by helping to learn about Exoliguisticts, first contact, and the Betazoid culture. Again nice to see her have other female friends.

Riker - Yes they go on a date in Mosaic. He is not mentioned in the  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. I know he is a gag character but I still liked it.

-----------------------

Final Thoughts

A lot of characters were changed between these two novels. There is a lot to like and a lot to hate. I really like what the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway did with characters like Tuvok and Gretchen Janeway. Other characters were not so lucky (Justin, sweetie I’m so sorry that they would erase you like that, oh my god). It’s a mixed bag, but one thing I need say is... why?

We have had a good thing going here with the established canon as is. Mosaic (and Pathways) is the foundation of which the last 25 years of fanworks and the relaunch novels are based on. Why change history when it is already written?

Always, would love to hear your thoughts and thank you for reading my novel of a post. I will see you in the full review.

[wizkiddx]

was thinking for toms most recent ig story it sounds like hes working out early everyday, what if u did a blurb where the reader does it with his and its like best friend --> something else ? sounded like a you type of story, id love if you gave it a go ❤️💕

oohkay so sorry this lit just came through this evening and I suddenly got v stupidly into it (if u put in a req before that I promise I am working on it I just got way to invested cos this is stupidly cute) xxxx

summary: what starts off as tom taking you under his wing and some sunrise workouts together might just develop into something more

“It shouldn’t be legal…. to be doing anything… this fucking early!” Spoken, well yelled, in between the fake strokes of the exercise bike and your pants. All you got in response was the two men laughing at you, no sign of sympathy at all, as your gritted your teeth - fighting against every body instinct to stop the movements. Your heart was pumping like the clappers; breathing shallow and rushed and your arms… your arms felt like they were about to fall off. Combine that with the lack of sleep from waking up before the sun did at 5 am - meant you felt like your were in literal hell.  

Why ever you’d agreed to do these workouts with Tom and Duffy escaped you. Being the new and rising actress, with a new supporting role in the next Spiderman, meant you’d spent a lot of time with Tom over the past few weeks. Not to inflate his ego either, but Tom had been a real life hero to you. See, you were the complete opposite of his experienced and seasoned professionalism - this was your first acting gig. And what a gig it was, the second biggest part in a Marvel movie. You never really believed you’d get the part and even when you did, were pretty sure it was some elaborate joke, where Ant and Dec were going to jump out from some corner and go ‘ha its a prank!’ or something. 

Yet somehow it was all still happening, you had been flown halfway across the world to spend three months alone on a film set. Well obviously not alone, but you knew no one - you were a complete outsider. That, really, was the reason you’d agreed to do these sessions with Tom. He’d offered half heartedly while between takes as you were moaning about how out of breath you got in that scene. At that point, you’d only known each other for a matter of weeks, he really hadn’t expected you to commit to 5 am each and every morning. What he wasn’t aware of though, was how ocmplerly stranded and lonely you felt here, hence why you jumped at his offer. 

And yes you loved to moan and complain when you were there, however you were also so incredibly thankful he ever offered. Duffy, Tom’s PT, was a right laugh too and he took great joy in torturing you - and was also entertained by the new and inventive ways you’d insult him after he ordered you about. 

“Come on Y/n, 200m more and then we are done, even your little arms can survive that.”

“Really … not the encouragement… I was looking for.” Still panting, face bright red and blotchy as you pressed your legs straight again.

“Tom? You wanna help Y/n out?” 

“Nah you know… kind of enjoying seeing her in pain.” The British voice laughed from somewhere behind you, making you roll your eyes.

“Why the hell… are you not… torturing him?” He sounded way to comfortable and relaxed to be working hard. 

“He’s got a stunt heavy day today so wanted to go easy this morning.”

Now that was a bloody joke. You were BOTH filming the SAME scene today, doing the SAME stunts. 

“Did I forget to mention Y/n is on set too?” The joy in Tom’s voice made you want to do horrible things to him. Even though you felt like you wanted to collapse on the floor, you’d happily do a set or two on a punch bag right now - if that punch bag was Tom’s face. 

Before you could hurl some fresh abuse at your costar, Duffy called time on the rowing machine, turning the display off and passing your water bottle over as you slouched on the slidey seat. 

“Done good Y/n/n, I am actually super impressed with your progress” The stocky man patted you on the back genuinely, bringing a bit of smile to your otherwise grimacing face. He went over the chat to Tom about some boy shit that you couldn’t care less about, allowing you a couple minutes to get your breath back. As soon as you did and tried to dismount the machine of death, your ruined legs seemed to have other plans, shakily buckling so you ended up starfished on the floor, groaning at the dull ache that came with the sudden movement. 

And what show of concern did Duffy show you? A belly laugh that echoed round Toms indoor gym making you groan again, throwing your forearm over your eyes. It was in fact the curly haired brunette, who came and knelt by your side, wordlessly balling up the towel and placing it under your head as you shot your eyes open in shock. 

“You okay? Sorry… I might’ve taken our friendly competition a bit too far.”

“I just… just might have to gain the power of flight this afternoon cos my legs aren’t gonna bloody work.” Tom chuckled and shook his head at your dry humour. 

“Oh I’m sure we can talk to Jon and get that arranged… not like Marvel don’t spend years crafting the script and storyline for a newbie actor to change it all.”

“Might I remind you… they wouldn’t have to if your weren’t such a dickhead!” You exclaimed, sitting up and staring at him with an exasperated look than only made him burst out laughing again. 

“I’m sorry I’m sorry… I just cant take you seriously when you look like such a tomato!” His voice went an octave higher as he laughed at himself, the situation getting even worse for you when you heard Duffy join in too. 

The boy was bloody lucky you couldn’t lift your arms right now, otherwise they’s almost certainly be attempting to ruin his pretty boy face. 

/////////////////////////////

After a long day of shooting you and Tom were in one of the set buggies, being taken back to your trailers to change for the evening. There was a peaceful silence until Tom ruined it yet again.

“ Got any fancy plans for this evening then?”

“Well you know me, back to my lonely little old place and  frozen pizza - so living the movie star life.” 

“It’s a Friday! You not going out with your team or anything?” He sounded so bemused at your quiet plans, and mention of a ‘team’ had you cocking your head to the side. 

“‘My team?’ Tom until I get my movie star pay check I can barely afford my pizzas, never mind a whole persons wage.” You were still only three weeks into filming and although you spent an hour every other morning sweating your ass off with Tom - apart from that you’d tried not to impose yourself on him too much. You didnt want to look clingy and naturally Tom always had a mountain of people vying for his attention - you would go to the back of a long line. So honestly, you were still a bit of a mystery to him, right now you’d both only scratched the surface on each other. 

“Really? I know this is your first big job but I thought you’d have someone here?” 

“Nah… I mean I’ve kinda clung to the Marty on the camera crew but he’s going to see family tonight sooo.”

“Come back to mine. I’ve swapped Harry for his twin Sam, which is a bit of an upgrade cos Sam’s a chef. He just arrived last night. I bet he can one up any pizza you were planning on.”

“Honestly I don’t want to impose, sorry I didnt mean for this to be a pity party or-“ The buggy slowed to a stop and Tom instantly vaulted out of it, standing right infront of you and blocking you exist off the back sofa. Both of you were still in costume, Tom in latex and you in your corset-esque two piece, but then both wrapped in matching long line black jackets supplied by set. 

“No come on I’m serious… Sam’s dying to meet you and it’d be good to spend more time together. You know, cos of chemistry and all.” The last bit was a switch from his cool and smooth, normally easy going tone - into something a bit more… anxious? Just like that, before your brain even knew what it was doing, you agreed, smiling broadly and nodding. 

So barely an hour later, you were knocking on the doors to Tom’s mansion-ish rented Atlanta home which was much much more grand than what the studio had arranged for you. Even though you were here most mornings, this time it felt different. Yeh it was stupid, but you can’t help the way you feel and you were stressed. For no real reason… just, just because. 

Thankfully, it wasn’t awkward at all  and you especially instantly hit it off with his younger brother Sam. Everything just felt easy and simple which meant so much more considering you’d felt so isolated an alone halfway across the world for your home comforts. Being British too, simply chatting to the two young men about your hometown and growing up was just so familiar, it really helped you feel less homesick.  Naturally too,  you’d fallen into a casual and friendly ribbing of Tom with Sam, making the three of you spend to majority of the evening cracking up (or in Tom’s case pouting at the abuse). It was a nice change from the two on one attack you got from Tom and Duffy that morning. You’d all cooked dinner together… well no, you and Tom had stood idly watching Sam cook an amazing chicken curry dish - which he promised to give you the recipe too. Honestly Sam felt like your long lost best friend, especially when it came to your shared ability to berate Tom for anything and everything. 

About an hour ago Tom had stuck on the film, effectively shutting up you and Sam - thankfully for him since Sam was just about to get to some rather embarrassing stories of Tom as a kid. You and Tom were on the longer grey sofa; with Sam sat  the other side of the coffee table in an impressively soft armchair - looking as though it was swallowing the lanky boy. The calm, the silence and the comfort was only going to go one way for you though. After your workout this morning, plus all the running and jumping during the shoot,  after what had already been a pretty intense week, it was hardly surprising that you didn’t even notice yourself drifting off the sleep. 

Who did notice though? Perhaps your brown haired costar who’d been stealing glances across to you ever since the movie had been put on? Because as much as he hated to admit it to himself, this didnt seem to be panning out as a normal job. A normal job is something you put your all into, for a couple weeks, and then leave with good memories and a good pay check. Yes, he had only known your for a matter of weeks or so but it already seemed to be unfathomable to cut ties with you. How would he go without your kind mannered abuse everyday? You were just refreshing, new and mysterious. And Tom was more than intrigued, his interest was peaked. 

And it was stupid to feel like that…. Of course it was. You can’t fancy a colleague because things get complicated and awkward. Tom knew that. 

Then why was he now delicately draping a blanket over your frame and smiling smally when you hummed in your sleep, in what seemed to be a show of appreciation for the layer of warmth? 

Because you were his excited puppy of a costar who is giving everything she has for the job? Because he is worried and wants to look after you? Because he cares? 

No matter why, in that moment you were contented and as was Tom. Oh and Sam? 

Sam saw the tell tale signs in his brother. He saw the way Tom had been touching your arm or the small of your back just a little more than what would be considered normal while he’d been cooking. He’d seen the way Tom had been laughing purely because you had. His eldest brother never did anything rash, it was always a painfully slow process for everyone involved. But Sam thought this just might be the start of something. The start of a slow burn.

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 4

-attachment, orphanages, and yet more child psych: time to add yet another voice to the void-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

I'm going to be super biased, because my favorite portrayal of Tom Riddle is actually Hero Fiennes-Tiffin as eleven-year-old Tom Riddle, in HBP and I get to chat about child psych in this one, sooo here we go.

First of all, I’m just so impressed that a kid could bring that much depth to such a complex character.

This is the portrayal, I feel, that brings us closest to Tom’s character. Yes, Coulson’s brought us pretty close, but by fifth year, the mask was on.

We don't really get to see Tom looking afraid very often, but it's fear that rules his life, so it's really poignant in our first (chronologically) introduction, he looks absolutely terrified.

The void being the fandom's loud opinions on a certain headmaster. I wouldn't call myself pro-Dumbledore, but I'm certainly not anti-Dumbledore, either. (Agnostic-Dumbledore??)

Since I'm not of the anti-Dumbledore persuasion, I decided to poke around in the tags and see what the arguments were, so I don't make comments out of ignorance.

Most of the tag seems to be more directed towards his treatment of Harry and Sirius, but a few people mentioned that Dumbledore should have treated Tom with ‘exceptional kindness’ and tried to ‘rehabilitate’ him.

As I said in Parts 2 and 3, I am 100% in favor of helping a traumatized kid learn to cope, and I don’t think Tom Riddle was solidly on the Path to Evil (TM) at birth, or even at eleven. Not even at fifteen.

Could unconditional love and kindness have helped Tom Riddle enough for the rise of Lord Voldemort to never happen? Possibly, but...

Yes, I'm about to drag up that Carl Jung quote, again.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

The problem with this is that if you’re going to blame Dumbledore for this, you also have to blame every other adult in Tom’s life: his headmaster, Dippet, his Head of House, Slughorn, his ‘caretakers’ at the orphanage, Mrs. Cole and Martha, and possibly more. In fact, if we're going to blame any adult, let's blame Merope for r*ping and abusing Tom Riddle Senior, and having a kid she wasn't intending to take care of.

Furthermore, you cannot possibly hold anyone but Tom accountable for the murders he committed. (I should not have to sit here and explain why cold-blooded murder is wrong.) And if you like Tom Riddle's character, insinuating that his actions are completely at the whim of others is just a bit condescending towards him. He's not an automaton or a marionette, he's a very intelligent human being with a functioning brain, and at sixteen is fully capable of moral reasoning and critical analysis.

I've heard the theories about Dumbledore setting the Potters up to die, and I'm not going to discuss their validity right now; but he didn't put a wand in Tom's hand and force him to kill anyone. Tom did it all of his own accord.

And while yes, I have enormous sympathy for what happened to Tom as a child, at some point, he decided to murder Myrtle Warren, and that is where I lose my sympathy. Experiencing trauma does not give you the right to inflict harm on others. Yes, Tom was failed, but then, he spectacularly failed himself.

We also have no idea how Dumbledore treated Tom as a student.

In the movies, it’s Dumbledore who tells Tom he has to go back to the orphanage, but in the books, it’s Dippet. We know that Slughorn spent a lot of time around Tom at Slug Club and such, yet I don’t really see people clamoring for his head.

I regard the sentiment that Dumbledore turned Tom Riddle into Lord Voldemort with a lot of skepticism.

But let's hear from the character himself -- his impression of eleven-year-old Tom Riddle.

“Did I know that I had just met the most dangerous Dark wizard of all time?” said Dumbledore. “No, I had no idea that he was to grow up to be what he is. However, I was certainly intrigued by him. I returned to Hogwarts intending to keep an eye upon him, something I should have done in any case, given that he was alone and friendless, but which, already, I felt I ought to do for others’ sake as much as his."

Now, assuming that Dumbledore's telling the truth, I'm not seeing something glaringly wrong with this. No, he hasn't pigeonholed Tom as evil, yes, I'd be intrigued, too, and it's a very good idea to keep an eye on Tom, for his own sake.

“At Hogwarts,” Dumbledore went on, “we teach you not only to use magic, but to control it. You have — inadvertently, I am sure — been using your powers in a way that is neither taught nor tolerated at our school."

Again, it seems like he's at least somewhat sympathetic towards Tom, and is willing to at least give him a chance.

More evidence (again, assuming Dumbledore is a reliable narrator):

Harry: “Didn’t you tell them [the other professors], sir, what he’d been like when you met him at the orphanage?” Dumbledore: “No, I did not. Though he had shown no hint of remorse, it was possible that he felt sorry for how he had behaved before and was resolved to turn over a fresh leaf. I chose to give him that chance.”

Now, I think Dumbledore is pretty awful with kids, but I don't think that's malicious. Yeah, it's a flaw, but perfect people don't exist, and perfect characters are dead boring. I am not saying that he definitely handled Tom's case well, I'm just saying that there's little evidence that Dumbledore, however shaken and scandalized, wrote him off as 'evil snake boy.'

It's also worth taking into account that it's 1938, and the attitudes towards mental health back then.

Why is Tom looking at Dumbledore like that, anyway? Why is he so scared? What has he possibly been threatened with or heard whispers of?

"'Professor'?" repeated Riddle. He looked wary. "Is that like 'doctor'? What are you here for? Did she get you in to have a look at me?"

"I don't believe you," said Riddle. "She wants me looked at, doesn't she? Tell the truth!"

"You can't kid me! The asylum, that's where you're from, isn't it? 'Professor,' yes, of course -- well, I'm not going, see? That old cat's the one who should be in the asylum. I never did anything to little Amy Benson or Dennis Bishop, and you can ask them, they'll tell you!

Tom keeps insisting he's not mad until Dumbledore finally manages to calm him down.

I'm really upset this wasn't in the movie, because it's important context. Instead we got these throwaway cutscenes of some knick-knacks relating to the Cave he's got lying around, but I just would have preferred to see him freaking out like he does in the book.

There was extreme stigma and prejudice towards mental illness.

'Lunatic asylums,' as they were called in Tom's time, were terrible places. In the 1930s and 40s, he could look forward to being 'treated' with induced convulsions, via metrazol, insulin, electroshock, and malaria injections. And if he stuck around long enough, he could even look forward to a lobotomy!

So, if you think Dumbledore was judgmental towards Tom, imagine how flat-out prejudiced whatever doctors or 'experts' Mrs. Cole might have gotten in to 'look at him' must have been!

Moving on to the next few shots, he is sitting down and hunched over as if expecting punishment or at least some kind of bad news, Dumbledore is mostly out of the frame. He’s trapped visually, by Dumbledore on one side, and a wall on the other, because he’s still very much afraid. uncomfortable, as he tells Dumbledore a secret that he fears could get him committed to an asylum (which were fucking horrible places, as I said).

It brings to the scene that miserable sense of isolation and loneliness to that has defined Tom’s entire life up to that point (and, partially due to his own bad choices, continues to define it).

And, when Dumbledore accepts it, his posture changes. he becomes more confident and more at ease, as he describes the... utilities of his magical abilities. 

"All sorts," breathed Riddle. A flush of excitement was rising up his neck into his hollow cheeks; he looked fevered. "I can make things move without touching them. I can make animals do what I want them to do, without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who annoy me. I can make them hurt if I want to."

Riddle lifted his head. His face was transfigured: There was a wild happiness upon it, yet for some reason it did not make him better looking; on the contrary, his finely carved features seemed somehow rougher, his expression almost bestial.

I do think Harry, our narrator, is being a tad bit judgmental here. Magic is probably the only thing that brings Tom happiness in his grey, lonely world, and when I was Tom's age and being bullied, if I had magic powers, you'd better believe that I'd (a) be bloody ecstatic about it (b) use them. And, like Tom, I can't honestly say that I can't imagine getting a bit carried-away with it. Unfortunately, we can't all be as inherently good and kindhearted as Harry.

Reading HBP again, as a 'mature' person, it almost seems like the reader is being prompted to see Tom as evil just because he's got 'weird' facial expressions.

So... uh...

Nope, let's judge Tom on his actions, not looks of 'wild happiness.'

To his great surprise, however, Dumbledore drew his wand from an inside pocket of his suit jacket, pointed it at the shabby wardrobe in the corner, and gave the wand a casual flick. The wardrobe burst into flames. Riddle jumped to his feet; Harry could hardly blame him for howling in shock and rage; all his worldly possessions must be in there. But even as Riddle rounded on Dumbledore, the flames vanished, leaving the wardrobe completely undamaged.

Okay, one thing I dislike is Tom's lack of emotional affect when Dumbledore burned the wardrobe, in the books, he jumped up and started screaming, instead of looking passively (in shock, perhaps?) at the fire. Incidentally, I can't really tell if he's impressed or in shock, to be honest. I think they really tried to make Tom 'creepier' in the movie.

This is one of the incidents where Dumbledore's inability to deal with children crops up.

I think he was trying to teach Tom that magic can be dangerous, and he wouldn't like it to be used against him, but burning the wardrobe that contains everything he owns was a terrible move on Dumbledore's part. Tom already has very limited trust in other people, and now, he's not going to trust Dumbledore at all -- now, he's put Tom on the defensive/offensive for the rest of their interaction, and perhaps for the rest of their teacher-student relationship.

Riddle stared from the wardrobe to Dumbledore; then, his expression greedy, he pointed at the wand. "Where can I get one of them?"

"Where do you buy spellbooks?" interrupted Riddle, who had taken the heavy money bag without thanking Dumbledore, and was now examining a fat gold Galleon.

But I'm not surprised Tom is 'greedy.' He's grown up in an environment where if he wants something, whether that's affection, food, money, toys, he's got to take it. There's no one looking after his needs specifically. I'm not surprised that he's a thief and a hoarder, and I don't think that counts as a moral failing necessarily, and more of a maladaptive way of seeking comfort. It would be bizarre if he came out of Wool's Orphanage a complete saint.

Additionally, I think given that the Gaunt family has a history of 'mental instability,' Tom is a sensitive child, and the trauma of growing up institutionalized and possibly being treated badly due to his magical abilities or personality disorder deeply affected him.

And there are points where it seems that Dumbledore is quick to judge Tom.

"He was already using magic against other people, to frighten, to punish, to control."

"Yes, indeed; a rare ability, and one supposedly connected with the Dark Arts, although as we know, there are Parselmouths among the great and the good too. In fact, his ability to speak to serpents did not make me nearly as uneasy as his obvious instincts for cruelty, secrecy, and domination."

"I trust that you also noticed that Tom Riddle was already highly self-sufficient, secretive, and, apparently, friendless?..."

And while this is all empirically true, these are (a) a product of Tom's harsh environment, and (b) do not necessarily make him evil. But the point remains that child psych didn't exist as a field of its own, and psychology as a proper science was in its infancy, so I'd be shocked if Dumbledore was insightful about Tom's situation.

But I've gone a ton of paragraphs without citing anything, so I've got to rectify that.

Let's talk about Harry Harlow's monkey experiments in the 1950-70s.

If you're not a fan of animal research, since I know some people are uncomfortable with it, feel free to scroll past.

Here's the TL;DR: Children need to be hugged and shown affection too, not just fed and clothed, please don't leave babies to 'cry out' and ignore their needs because it's backwards and fucking inhumane. HUG AND COMFORT AND CODDLE CHILDREN AND SPOIL THEM WITH AFFECTION!

I will put more red writing when the section is over.

This is still an interesting experiment to have in mind while we explore the whole 'no one taught Tom Riddle how to love' thing and whether or not it's actually a good argument.

Andddd let's go all the way back to the initial 1958 experiment, featured in Harlow's paper, the Nature of Love. (If you're familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, him and Harlow actually collaborated for a time).

To give you an idea of our starting point, until Harlow's experiment, which happened twenty years after Dumbledore meets Tom for the first time, no one in science had really been interested in studying love and affection.

"Psychologists, at least psychologists who write textbooks, not only show no interest in the origin and development of love or affection, but they seem to be unaware of its very existence."

I'm going to link some videos of Harry Harlow showing the actual experiment, which animal rights activists would probably consider 'horrifying.' It's nothing gory or anything, but if you are particularly soft-hearted (and I do not mean that as an insult), be warned. It's mostly just baby monkeys being very upset and Harlow discussing it in a callous manner. Yes, today it would be considered unethical, but it's still incredibly important work and if you think you can handle it, I would recommend watching at least the first one to get an idea of how dramatic this effect is.

Dependency when frightened

The full experiment

The TL;DW:

This experiment was conducted with rhesus macaques; they're still used in psychology/neuroscience research when you want very human-like subjects, because they are very intelligent (unnervingly so, actually). I'd say that adult ones remind me of a three-year old child.

Harlow separated newborn monkeys from their mothers, and cared for their physical needs. They had ample nutrition, bedding, warmth, et cetera. However, the researchers noticed that the monkeys:

(a) were absolutely miserable. And not just that, but although all their physical needs were taken care of, they weren't surviving well past the first few days of life. (This has also been documented in human babies, and it's called failure to thrive and I'll talk about it a bit later).

(b) showed a strong attachment to the gauze pads used to cover the floor, and decided to investigate.

So, they decided to provide a surrogate 'mother.' Two, actually. Mother #1 was basically a heated fuzzy doll that was nice for the monkeys to cuddle with. Mother #2 was the same, but not fuzzy and made of wire. Both provided milk. The result? The monkeys spent all their time cuddling and feeding from the fuzzy 'mother.' Perhaps not surprising.

What Harlow decided next, is that one of the hallmarks being attached to your caregiver is seeking hugs and reassurance from them when frightened. So, when the monkeys were presented with something scary, they'd go straight to the cloth mother and ignore the wire one. Not only that, but when placed in an unfamiliar environment, if the cloth mother was present, the monkeys would be much calmer.

In a follow-up experiment, Harlow decided to see if there was some sort of sensitive period by introducing both 'mothers' to monkeys who had been raised in isolation for 250 days. Guess what?

The initial reaction of the monkeys to the alterations was one of extreme disturbance. All the infants screamed violently and made repeated attempts to escape the cage whenever the door was opened. They kept a maximum distance from the mother surrogates and exhibited a considerable amount of rocking and crouching behavior, indicative of emotionality.

Yikes. So, at first Harlow thought that they'd passed some kind of sensitive period for socialization. But after a day or two they calmed down and started chilling out with the cloth mother like the other monkeys did. But here's a weird thing:

That the control monkeys develop affection or love for the cloth mother when she is introduced into the cage at 250 days of age cannot be questioned. There is every reason to believe, however, that this interval of delay depresses the intensity of the affectional response below that of the infant monkeys that were surrogate-mothered from birth onward

All these things... attachment, affection, love, seeking comfort ... are mostly learned behaviours.

Over.

Orphanages, institutionalized childcare, and why affection is a need, not an extra.

His face is lit the exact same was as Coulson’s was in COS (half-light, half-dark), and I said I was going to talk about this in Part 3. I think perhaps it's intended to make Fiennes-Tiffin look more evil or menacing, but I'm going to quite deliberately misinterpret it.

Now, for some context, Dumbledore has just (kind of) burned his wardrobe, ratted out his stealing habit, and (in the books only, they really took a pair of scissors to this scene) told him he needs to go apologize and return everything and Dumbledore will know if he doesn't, and, well, Tom's not exactly a happy bugger about it.

But interestingly, in the books, this is when we start to see Tom's 'persona,' aka his mask, start to come into play. Whereas before, he was screaming, howling, and generally freaking out, here, he starts to hide his emotions -- in essence, obscure his true self under a shadow. So this scene is really the reverse of Coulson's in COS.

And perhaps I'm reading wayyy too much into this, but I can't help but notice that Coulson's hair is parted opposite to Fiennes-Tiffin's, and the opposite sides of their faces are shadowed, too.

Riddle threw Dumbledore a long, clear, calculating look. "Yes, I suppose so, sir," he said finally, in an expressionless voice.

Riddle did not look remotely abashed; he was still staring coldly and appraisingly at Dumbledore. At last he said in a colorless voice, "Yes, sir."

Here's an article from The Atlantic on Romanian orphanages in the 1980s, when the dictator, Ceausescu, basically forced people to have as many children as possible and funnel them into institutionalized 'childcare', and it's absolutely heartbreaking.

There's not a whole lot of information out there on British orphanages in the 30s' and 40s', but given that people back then thought you just had to keep children on a strict schedule and feed them, it wouldn't have a whole lot better.

The only thing I've found is this, and it's not super promising.

The most important study informing the criteria for contemporary nosologies, was a study by Barbara Tizard and her colleagues of young children being raised in residential nurseries in London (Tizard, 1977). These nurseries had lower child to caregiver ratios than many previous studies of institutionalized children. Also, the children were raised in mixed aged groups and had adequate books and toys available. Nevertheless, caregivers were explicitly discouraged from forming attachments to the children in their care.

Here's a fairly recent paper that I think gives a good summary: Link

Here, they describe the responses to the Strange Situation test (which tests a child's attachment to their caregiver).

We found that 100% of the community sample received a score of “5,” indicating fully formed attachments, whereas only 3% of the infants living in institutions demonstrated fully formed attachments. The remaining 97% showed absent, incomplete, or odd and abnormal attachment behaviors.

Bowlby and Ainsworth, who did the initial study, thought that children would always attach to their caregivers, regardless of neglect or abuse. But some infants don't attach (discussed along with RAD in Part 2).

Here's a really good review paper on attachment disorders in currently or formerly institutionalized children : Link

Core features of RAD in young children include the absence of focused attachment behaviors directed towards a preferred caregiver, failure to seek and respond to comforting when distressed, reduced social and emotional reciprocity, and disturbances of emotion regulation, including reduced positive affect and unexplained fearfulness or irritability.

Which all sounds a lot like Tom in this scene. The paper also discusses neurological effects, like atypical EEG power distribution (aka brain waves), which can correlate with 'indiscriminate' behavior and poor inhibitory control; which makes sense for a kid who, oh, I don't know, hung another kid's rabbit because they were angry.

Furthermore...

...those children with more prolonged institutional rearing showed reduced amygdala discrimination and more indiscriminate behavior.

This again, makes a ton of sense for Tom's psychological profile, because the amygdala (which is part of the limbic system, which regulates emotions) plays a major role in fear, anger, anxiety, and aggression, especially with respect to learning, motivation and memory.

So, I agree completely that Tom needed a lot of help, especially given the fact that he spent eleven years in an orphanage (longer than the Bucharest study I was referring to), and Dumbledore wasn't exactly understanding of his situation, and probably didn't realise what a dramatic effect the orphanage had on Tom, and given the way he talks to Tom, probably treated him as if he were a kid who grew up in a healthy environment.

In case you are still unconvinced that hugging is that important, there's a famous 1944 study conducted on 40 newborn human infants to see what would happen if their physical needs (fed, bathed, diapers changed) were provided for with no affection. The study had to be stopped because half the babies died after four months. Affection leads to the production of hormones and boosts the immune system, which increases survival, and that is why we hug children and babies should not be in orphanages. They are supposed to be hugged, all the time. I can't find the citation right now, I'll add it later if I find it.

But I think it's vastly unrealistic to say that Dumbledore, who grew up during the Victorian Era, would have any grasp of this and I don't think he was actively malicious towards Tom.

Was Tom Riddle failed by institutional childcare? Absolutely.

Were the adults in his life oblivious to his situation? Probably.

Do the shitty things that happened to Tom excuse the murders he committed, and are they anyone's fault but his own? No. At the end of the day, Tom made all the wrong choices.

And, for what it's worth, I think (film) Dumbledore (although he expresses the same sentiment in more words in the books) wishes he could go back in time and have helped Tom.

"Draco. Years ago, I knew a boy, who made all the wrong choices. Please, let me help you."

[kikis-writing-world]

Bug in the System

Summary: Reader has a complicated relationship with Nathan, living and working with him. They’ve always been nervous to bring up prescription medication, so shit hits the fan when they runs out and their mood plummets.

Pairing: Nathan Bateman x GN!Reader that struggles with mental health.

Word Count: 2k

Rating/Warnings: Mental health - depression and anxiety are expressly mentioned and reader is in a bad low. Talk of medication and ramifications of not taking them. Mention of doctors. Brief mention of sex. Worries of the stigma around mental health. Lots of swearing because it’s Nathan. Unedited/Betaed. it’s almost fluff in Nathan’s asshole way, there’s a happy ending.

A/N: I blame @foxilayde​ that I’m suddenly writing for Nathan... I hated him when I watched the movie and now here we are. Idk, this idea hit me last night while trying to fall asleep and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I had to write it.

You weren’t sure how to define the relationship you and Nathan had. He wasn’t your boyfriend - not only did that feel so juvenile, but also… he just wasn’t. There had never been a declaration of love between the two of you, no commitment to monogamy or even non-monogamy. The two of you lived together, worked together, slept together- it could almost be called a friends with benefits relationship, only… softer. You ate dinners together, danced around the house together, and cuddled together when watching movies. You also spent days, sometimes weeks at a time where you hardly spoke to each other when engrossed in a project. Did this form out of attraction, or emotion, or was it an inevitability when two adults - whose sexualities, attractions and availabilities lined up accordingly - lived together in isolation for an extended period of time? 

In summary: there was no easy way to define what was between the two of you, and you were happy there were no other humans around to ask. You didn’t feel the need to defend what you shared, but you had no desire to try to label it either.

Despite the friendly and casual nature of whatever the relationship was, there were still things that you had yet to admit to Nathan. The dwindling supply of medications tucked safely in a make-up bag inside the drawer of your bedside table felt like a ticking time bomb. You only had so many doses remaining and it wasn’t like you could walk down to the local pharmacy for a refill. Any supplies coming to the fortress of a home had to be called in, ordered, and helicoptered to you. There was no way to do it without Nathan finding out along the way.

You watched the pills slowly empty from their plastic bottles like a reverse hourglass. Despite the effects they had on your malfunctioning brain chemistry, they never quite tampered down the anxiety you had about opening up about your mental illness, let alone to someone like Nathan.

Nathan worked hard and played harder. He strove to be the best him he could be at all times. He accepted nothing less than perfection and no matter what the relationship between you two could be defined as -coworkers, employer/employee, friends, friends with benefits, lovers -  you didn’t want to disappoint him.

You avoided and avoided until inevitably, the last pill came out of the last bottle. It only got worse from there. Without the anxieties in check and the chemicals being balanced, the insecurity flared even worse. Your inner voice told you that you deserved the unhappiness flowing through you, that you should just stay in bed and give up since Nathan would kick you out of the house soon enough: he’d either get tired of your low mood, your falling productivity, or he’d discover your secret and be done with you.

He noticed. Of course he did. You stopped dancing, stopped cuddling, stopped fucking. Then you stopped eating, stopped talking, stopped leaving your room. You felt like you couldn’t get out of bed at all. You spent your time sleeping or curled up under your blankets in the dark room wishing you could sleep more. That or just disappear.

That was where Nathan found you, a month and a half after you’d run out of your meds.

“What the fuck is going on with you?” He barged into your room one morning… afternoon… you had no idea what time it was.

Nathan turned the light on and you could hear him pacing. “Are you sick? Do I need to call in a doctor? Are you even alive under there?! Hello?!”

You sighed, forcing yourself to sit up and prove you were alive, awake, and hearing him. The blankets dropped to your waist, revealing what you were sure was an absolute mess of a human. You knew what you looked like the last time you’d been brave enough to look in the mirror and you were sure it was even worse now.

Nathan cursed and you swear he nearly recoiled at the sight of you. “Are you in here dying on me or something?” He questioned. 

You weren’t sure how to answer, what you could possibly say to him.

“Hello?!” He snapped his fingers in front of your face. “Is anybody in there?!”

You blinked as he crowded you, hysterics growing as you seemingly ignored him. You could tell he was close to grabbing you and shaking you, and you didn’t know if your body could handle that. As it was, your muscles had protested sitting up. Instead, you leaned over and opened your drawer, taking out the zippered make-up bag.

You tossed the pouch at him, hearing all the plastic bottles click together as it landed at his feet. He bent down to pick it up, opening it carefully like he thought some sort of creature might jump out at him. His brows furrowed when he saw the bottles inside and dumped them out onto the mattress.

“Are these all empty? Fuck did you take these?” He questioned, panic rising in his voice. “Are you trying to OD on me or something? Shit.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, about to call for help.

“No.” You croaked. “Well, yeah. I took them… but… they’re my meds.” You gave in. “I’ve been taking them since I got here. I[was taking until they ran out.”

Nathan looked down at the bottles, picking one up as he read the label. “What are they for?”

“Depression mostly. Anxiety.” You shrugged, listing the simple ones.

Nathan was quiet as he read the bottles. You had no idea if he knew what any of them meant. It’s not like the labels read “Take one daily to stop the crazies!” The names, the dosages, the frequencies meant nothing to someone with no experience… but then again, Nathan wasn’t just anyone.

“How long?” He sighed, turning to sit on the edge of the bed.

You would have deflated if you didn’t already feel as low as you could go. Having assumed the worst, you weren’t surprised he couldn’t look at you.

“I was diagnosed in junior year-”

“No, I mean how long have you been without your meds?” He interrupted you, turning to stare  you down.

“A month.” You shrugged. “Almost two.”

“For fucks sakes.” He grumbled, turning to his phone again and typing away.

“I’ll pack my shit. Just, give me a few days and I’ll go.” You mumbled, laying down on your side and facing away from him. You didn’t want to watch him posting for a new assistant or scheduling the pick-up or whatever he was doing. You’d wallow for a bit, probably take a nap, and then you’d pack anything here that was important. Fuck the rest. You didn’t have the energy. You didn’t care.

“The fuck are you talking about?” He asked distractedly, like he hadn’t heard you as his cogs of his brain jumped to life. He did that a lot when he was preoccupied. He would hear your voice, realize you’re talking, but not absorb the words. Sometimes he needed to ask 3 or 4 times until you gave up and texted him instead.

“I’m bringing in a doctor. You need to get checked out before you start back up on anything. You’re not supposed to go off of these without supervision. Says so right here. Black and white.” He chastised you.

You frowned, looking over your shoulder in confusion. You saw him still typing away on his phone, holding one of the empty, orange-tinted bottles in his hand. He set it down, picking up another. He took a picture, looking over the label quickly for himself before setting it back down.

“What are you doing?”

“Sending him the labels so he knows what he’s walking into. Why the fuck would you just stop taking your meds?” He sniped. “Why didn’t you get more? I fucking ask you if you need shit and you just conveniently forget your pills?”

You picked at a thread of the blanket, not wanting to watch him as he grew angrier with you. As soon as you were in good health and his conscience was clear, he’d be rid of you. You were sure of it. It was more than you’d expected to be honest.

You heard the quiet noise from his phone, indicating the email had been sent. That meant his attention wasn’t divided as he rounded back on you.

“Why won’t you answer me? It’s like fucking talking to a wall or something. If I wanted one-sided conversations, I never would have brought you up here. Why didn’t you get more?!”

You took a shuddering breath before answering. “I didn’t want you to know.”

“Know what? That you take medication?” He scoffed in disbelief.

The room was quiet as you didn’t answer, but you could practically hear his brain processing, whirring like a computer with a squeaky exhaust fan.

“Hey, look at me.” He ordered, his voice dropping in volume to a kinder tone, but it was still not a request. It was a demand. You sat up again, looking at him stare at you with dark, angry eyes.

“When a program isn’t working, do you throw away the whole CPU or do you debug it and fucking find the fix?” He asked. You didn’t answer, assuming it was rhetorical.

“Your software is fucked, and these,” he picked up one of the bottles to hold up between you two. “These are the fix. Why the fuck would you be embarassed about shit like that?”

You shrugged your shoulders, dropping your gaze again. “You’re…” you struggled to find the words, but Nathan jumped on your train of thought frighteningly quick.

“Me?! So it’s my fault? I eat brown rice and salad and work out every day so I’m some health nut hippy who wouldn’t understand, is that it?”

He was putting words into your mouth, but he was essentially getting the point. You were scared he would reject you, mock you, think less of you.

He crawled towards you on the bed, cupping your chin a little too tight as he lifted your face. He was clearly done having you look away from him. “I’m a fucking reclusive genius who lives in the middle of ass fuck nature and only lets people come and go with a goddamn keycard! Do you not think I’m self-aware enough to realize that? A fucking prodigy, multi-millionaire by 15, CEO of the most successful technology company in history. The President calls me and I hit ignore. Do you really think I’m not self-aware enough to know we all have our own brand of fucked up?” He laughed.

“If you need these to get through it, to be my little genius-” He released your jaw to cup your face in both hands, giving it a shake. “To keep up with my shit, to live here without losing your mind at the isolation, to be my dance partner and dinner partner and movie date - then fucking take them. Would I be having to tell you this if it was for your blood pressure or a heart condition or something?!”

His phone buzzed and he released his hold on you, leaning back to read the message that had just come through.

“Doc’s gonna be here tomorrow morning. Gotta keep you hydrated until then and you should try to eat.” He summed up the message as his eyes skimmed the screen. He tucked his phone back into his pocket before slapping your blanket-covered thigh. “What are we eating tonight? Your choice.”

“I’m not hungry.” You mumbled.

“Not an option!” He declined as he stood off the bed. “What are we eating?”

You sighed, letting your head fall back as you thought. “Grilled cheese?”

“And tomato soup? Coming right up.” He leaned over to you, cupping the back of your head as he pulled you close enough to kiss the top of your head. “Rest. I’ll bring it in when it’s ready.”

Tagging: @wickedfrsgrl @din-damn-djarin @dinthisisthe-wayson @seasonschange-butpeopledont @kesskirata​ 

[semper-legens]

120. The Girl In The Shadows, by Katy Morgan-Davis

Owned?: No, library Page count: 404 My summary: The true life story of Katy Morgan-Davis, born into a cult led by the controlling and abusive ‘Comrade Bala’, denied a childhood or visits to the outside for years, until her escape at the age of 30. My rating: 4/5 My commentary:

I’ve mentioned before my affinity for books about horrible, horrible real life events, but the more recent book I’ve read along these lines was poorly-written and as such hard to credit as being anything but fiction based loosely on real-life events. This is in a very different class to that. Katy Morgan-Davis is writing about her real life, growing up in a controlling and abusive cult led by her biological father, Aravindan Balakrishnan, who kept her inside the house for the first thirty years of her life until she managed to escape.

Katy herself is an extremely engaging writer. Growing up, thanks to her isolation, she read a lot and spent some of her time writing, although she wasn’t allowed to imagine or do anything creative for herself. Thanks to this, she has developed a sophisticated and articulate writing style, able to relate the events of her past while commenting on them and presenting all of the complexities of her situation, from her strange relationships to the adults around her, to her interactions with a man from the outside with whom she fell in love, and who was most likely exploiting her. Through it all, she offers intelligent commentary on her situation. Though many of the things that happened to her were abjectly horrifying, she shows an incredible inner strength and optimism that cannot be dulled by the things she goes through. It’s a really interesting read.

The kind of images that come to mind when you think of a cult aren’t really Katy’s experience - it took place in various council houses in London, there were good times and things given to her during her time in the cult, and there weren’t that many people in the cult totally. Herself, Balakrishnan, her biological mother, and a handful of other women. The interesting thing I found as well was her relationships to the other women after she left, with some of them returning to Balakrishnan or being derisive of her for leaving, despite the fact that they left with her. After she escaped, too, things didn’t immediately get better for her, she still had to deal with the ongoing trauma and health problems caused by her captivity. It’s a very nuanced look at the idea of cults, and I hope she’s doing well in the here and now, she certainly deserves some peace and happiness.

Next up, something a lot more wholesome, with the tale of a little family.