Tumgik
#it hurts to see people be happy and friends and wanted and loved
I'm just curious since I absolutely adore all your trans Ed fics, what made you read Ed as being trans? Is it more of a personal headcanon since we tend to see ourselves in fictional characters, or did you notice some tiny detail on the show that made you think so?
Oh my friend, I'm so glad you ask.
The cool thing about reading Ed as trans, I think, is that you do not even have to squint to do it. Literally you need to change exactly nothing, and this read suddenly adds a lot of nuance and additional juicy layers to his story and his journey with masculinity.
Ed's whole deal with masculinity, precisely exactly all of it, makes him feel so much like a trans guy who never outgrew the "I need to be hypermasculine so I pass" phase, fitting that read so precisely that given there are trans writers on the OFMD team I would be absolutely SHOCKED if at least some of it wasn't intentional. Every single trans guy I know has been through a version of this, where you come out and you know you're a man but you need everyone else to know, too, and so you lean very hard into masculinity to make damn sure you pass. And not just pass, but pass perfectly. Ed is forcing himself into such a heavy ideal of masculinity that it feels artificial; he needs to make sure everyone sees him as this perfect ideal of a masculine man that he cannot possibly live up to because no one could.
Certainly, parts of Ed's hyper-masculine presentation seem to be things that genuinely make him happy and bring him joy. That's important. Ed's happy to be a man, the problem is that he's trying to force himself into such a narrow idea of masculinity that it's stifling him. It's preventing him from enjoying more ""feminine"" things that he genuinely loves, because he's terrified of being seen as less of a man for it, and people like Izzy reinforce the idea that if Ed fucks up in his performance of masculinity, he's going to be in danger because of that. It's very real, and the added juiciness from reading Ed as trans adds so much to the great story that's already there, I think. There's this additional element of Ed knowing he's a man but needing to make sure everyone else could never doubt it, there's an additional perceived danger to slipping up, there's a sort of jealous admiration for guys like Stede who seem, at least on the surface, so much more comfortable with a different type of masculinity that Ed wishes he could have more of.
And on top of that, there's just a lot of other little additional things, like:
Ed making his beard his whole brand, it just screams beard dysphoria and "no one could ever claim I'm not a man because the beard is my whole THING."
Something about his relationship with his name, and how hard he has to try to get people like Izzy to call him by his name in front of others
The way Ed is dehumanized when he dares to step outside a very safe, masculine gender presentation - it's why Izzy saying "this thing you've become" when Ed is wearing a robe and painted nails hits so hard for me, I think
Okay. okay. listen. You know the scene where Ed makes CJ whip him in the balls. Listen. Ed baby. It just SCREAMS "people here don't know I'm trans and I don't know how much getting hit in the balls should ACTUALLY hurt so I'm gonna lay it on really really thick just to be safe"
There's a lot to be said about Ed and his clothing in a lot of directions, but I'm gonna leave it at how he's really figured out a safe set of clothing that works for him and consistently allows him to be read as this super masculine guy, and he's scared to step away from that. Also, I really like imagining the full-fingered gloves at the end of s1 as a way to cover up the nail polish on his fingernails until it wears off.
I think it's very sweet that Ed tends to be very private when talking about his personal and sex life with others, but a very, very easy explanation for how that got started is he just doesn't want to go around sharing personal details about his body with people!
Yeah. A trans read of Ed is so shockingly easy, fits so well, and adds so much to his journey, frankly I'm amazed it's not more common.
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morganski-19 · 1 day
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Chills Right to the Marrow part 36
ao3 link| part 1 . . . part 33, part 34, part 35
Steve opens the door for them before they even have a chance to ring the bell. With a large smile meant just for Eddie. They make their way through the door, Eddie immediately in awe about the height of the ceilings, for some reason. They two of them talking, if that’s all they’re doing, instead of making their way to the welcome party.
Wayne gets it. Eddie’s out of the hospital, it’s big news. But there are other people here waiting to see him.
Like the boy standing in the middle the hallway with tears forming in his eyes. Who’s waited for this day since the moment Eddie got hurt. To know that he is really alive. And will continue to be alive.
“Aw, taking pity on me, are you, Steve?” Eddie teases, making Wayne want to groan.
“Shut up.” A great retort, really.
Wayne clears his throat. Breaking the two of them out of the little bubble they’ve formed. He nods his head down the hall, making Eddie finally see Dustin.
No matter how much Wayne is happy to see his boy out of the hospital. Walking. This moment isn’t for him. It’s for Dustin.
“Hey, Henderson,” Eddie breaths out, relieved.
“You’re here,” Dustin says so softly Wayne can barely hear it. But it’s enough that his own tears find their way to his eyes.
Eddie makes his way over to Dustin. Just barely wincing with the pain, but not complaining about it. He’s got other things on his mind in this moment. He balances himself on his crutches just enough to pull Dustin into a hug. Careful to not put all of his weight on the kid.
“Yeah,” Eddie whispers. “I’m here.”
Wayne blinks away the tear that wants to fall down his cheek. Sparing a look at Steve and seeing he’s in the same boat. Somehow in agreement that this moment isn’t for them to ruin. They could hold off for the time being.
“Where’s the rest of the crew?” Eddie asks when Dustin pulls back. “And a seat, I can only stand for so long.”
Dustin snorts, wiping his cheeks. “In the living room. They’re really happy to see you.”
Eddie motions for Dustin to lead the way. Following him down the hall and into the living room. Steve and Wayne hang back. Letting their moment be their moment.
Someone knocks on the door, Steve turning around to go answer it.
“Sorry, are we too late?” Nancy asks before stepping in. Robin close behind her.
“No, you’re fine. He just got here.” He looks behind them looking for someone else. “I thought you said Jonathan was going to come?”
Nancy makes a pained face. Starting to say something but Robin beating her to the punch. “He’s avoiding her.”
“It’s not like I blame him,” Nancy defends. “I did break up with him. We’re not going to be friends again that fast. How long did it take up to be friends after we broke up?” she asks in Steve’s direction.
“Almost two years,” he deadpans.
Nancy gets a partially defeated look. “See, we’ll get there eventually.” She turns toward Wayne, hiding the shock that he was standing there the whole time. “Hi, Mr. Munson. It’s great to see you again.”
“Please, just call me Wayne.”
“How did things go at the hospital? Was it all taken care of?”
Wayne nods. “Yes. They came around in the end.”
It was a relief, really, to see the bill come out with zero. All Wayne had to do was sign the papers and set up Eddie’s follow up appointments. His twice a week physical therapy appointment. Get the prescription for his pain killers. Then, they were one their way.
“Good.”
Someone calls Steve from the living room. All of them migrating to the living room. There’re so many voices in that room, Wayne doesn’t know which conversation to pay attention too. What he ends with, though, is the one that Eddie’s in. Talking about the game he loves with the kids. One of them there he doesn’t recognize, but that’s not really surprising.
Sometime later, the bell rings and Steve comes back with an armful of pizza. Setting them along the kitchen island with sodas. Yelling at the kids to use a plate and to eat in the kitchen instead of the living room.
Wayne can’t stop looking at the smile on Eddie’s face. It’s like he looks alive again. Out of the hospital and back to himself. Goofing around with the kids and making jokes. Trying to make it look like he isn’t tripping over his crutches. Still getting used to walking with them.
A smile forms on Wayne’s face. The muscles straining just a bit. Like he forgot how.
Eddie catches his eye. Brows furrowed before he realizes why Wayne’s smiling. For a second, their smiles match before Eddie’s attention is brought away again.
“Steve,” Dustin asks as the rest of the kids migrate back to the living room. An argument about movie choices ensuing. “Do you think I could stay over tonight?”
Steve thinks about it for a second before shrugging. “I guess so. Just check with your mom first.”
“She already said it was ok,” Dustin smirks. Going back to the living room with the rest of his friends.
“Of course she did,” Steve sighs. Going back to cleaning up the dinner.
Robin, Nancy, and Wayne hang back in the kitchen to help clean up. The leftovers get consolidated to one box and placed in the fridge. The plates get washed and put away. They make no move to leave the kitchen. Staying in the quiet instead of the chaos in the other room.
Steve pulls out four beers and hands one to everyone. They fall into casual conversation. Or, the three of them do. Wayne just holds back. Not much of a talker right now.
Eddie comes in from the living room a half hour later. Sitting next to Wayne at the island.
“Can I get one of those?” he asks.
“Depends,” Steve answers before Wayne can outright refuse. “How much and what pain medications are you on right now?”
Eddie rolls his eyes. “I hate you.”
“Sorry for trying to keep you alive.” He gives Eddie a once over. “You alright?”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “I love them, don’t get me wrong, but they can be a lot all at once.”
“You have no idea,” Robin adds. Leaning halfway across the counter.
Nancy tosses her empty bottle into the recycling. “They’ve always been that way. And then they kept adding more people to the group. I can sometimes here them from my room. When they’re in the basement.”
Eddie winces. “Jesus.”
“No one would judge you if you wanted to turn in early. You’ve had a long day.” Steve hands Eddie a coke since he can’t have any alcohol.
“I might. The doctors woke me up at, like, six this morning for some test to make sure they could discharge me. Been up since then.”
“That’s not that early,” Nancy says.
Wayne snorts. “Maybe for you. Ed will sleep forever if you let him.”
“Like you’re not the same way.” Eddie jabs his elbow into Wayne’s arm.
“Have you seen your room yet,” Robin asks. “Dustin was micromanaging like crazy to make sure it was to your liking.”
“Really?” Eddie has a soft look on his face. “I can’t wait to see it then.”
“He’s staying the night, by the way. If that’s ok with you.”
Eddie yawns. “Yeah, that’s fine. Mind showing me where this room is. I’m beat.”
Steve sets his beer bottle on the counter, waiting for Eddie to stand. Leading him to his room with Wayne in tow.
“This is it. And the bathroom is the door right across from that.”
Eddie turns the handle, stepping in before looking at the posters on the wall. He stops for a moment, looking around. A breath of relief escaping when he finally steps all the way in. Looking like he’s back in a space that’s him.
“They did a good job.”
“Yeah, they did. Ask Dustin about it tomorrow, I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it.”
Eddie nods. “I will.”
There’s an awkward silence for a second before Steve starts talking again. “Just a few things I forgot to mention. If you’re going to smoke in the house, do it near a window, but I’d appreciate it if you took it outside. And don’t play music too loud, it triggers my migraines.”
“That all?” Eddie takes a step toward Steve. A playful tone lilting his voice.
Wayne is already getting sick of this.
“Yes,” Steve stutters out. “Just, uh, let me know if you need anything.”
Eddie nods. Reaching out and pulling Steve into a hug. “Thank you for this,” he whispers. “You really have no clue what it means to me.”
Steve returns the hug, tentatively.  “It was the least I could do.”
“That is an understatement, and you know it.” Eddie pulls back, clapping Steve’s shoulder gently before letting go.
“Have a good night,” Steve says on his way out.
Robin is in the hallway now, giving Steve a look. He sighs. “Not now.”
Wayne goes into Eddie’s room to ignore whatever that was going to be. “You going to be alright in here?”
Eddie sits down on the bed. Sighing in relief that he’s not putting weight on his legs. “Yeah. I’ll be fine.”
“Well, my room right above yours. So, if you need anything, yell or something. I might hear it.”
“I will.”
Wayne nods. Just standing in the room. Not quite knowing if he’s ready to leave it. Eddie rolls his eyes, extending his arms.
“Come on, old man.”
With a chuckle, Wayne leans down and hugs his son. They were never huggers, the two of them. Never needed to be. They knew they loved each other and showed it in their own ways. But Eddie is finally home after almost dying. He’s finally getting back to himself again. Everything is returning back to the way it should be.
“You better not be crying,” Eddie jokes. “I won’t be far behind if you are.”
Wayne lets out a wet laugh. Pulling back and just looking at Eddie. “I love you, kid.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Eddie tries to brush it off, but tears gloss over his eyes. “Love you too.”
“Have a good night, I’ll see you in the morning.”
He walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Heading back to a party that’s dying down. Feeling part of something much larger than he was expecting. A giant family that he’s now roped into.
Who would have guessed that?
tag list (closed): @the-they-who-nerded, @insteviewetrust, @croatoan-like-its-hot, @jettestar,
@tinyplanet95, @steddie-as-they-go, @slv-333, @littlecelestialmoth, @thatonebadideapanda,
@fandomsanddeath, @marismorar, @wonderland-girl143-blog, @glass-bottle03, @gutterflower77,
@here4thetrama, @goodolefashionedloverboi, @jaytriesstuff, @cryptid-system, @manda-panda-monium,
@resident-gay-bitch, @anaibis, @xxsutherlandxx, @forevermineliv, @mugloversonly,
@gregre369, @n0-1-important, @different-tale-student, @spectrum-spectre, @tartarusknight,
@devondespresso, @swimmingbirdrunningrock, @cheertain, @anti-ozzie, @autumncrocusandladybug,
@greeniebean911, @cr0w-culture, @stillfullofshit, @connected-dots, @daisynotquake,
@morgannotlefay, @a-little-unsteddie, @dolphincliffs, @maskofmirrors, @me-and-my-sloth,
@papergrenade, @waelkyring, @sweetheartprincess28, @katouasobj, @astercomoasflores
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m-jelly · 7 hours
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Hi Jelly! I haven't sent a request in a while, so I want to fix that now.
So what about Levi and the reader who secretly in love with him?
Levi breaks up with his girlfriend (it was her decision), he is devastated and upset. He comes to his best friend, who supports him. He thinks that he is unlovable, but she confesses her feelings to him.
She convinces him that he deserves love and she loves him. He realizes that his happiness was always next to him. Levi confess that he loves her back. And in the end, they become a couple.
Hi, I'm going to change a few things about this, hope that's okay cause I'm not a huge fan of the reader being used as an emotional blanket by a friend and then that friend "suddenly realising" they want them. I've been through this first hand and it hurt a lot and I'm still healing.
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@ladycheesington <3
Time heals all wounds.
Levi x fem! reader
Modern world, becoming a couple, friends to lovers.
Communication is important and you should always be open and honest with those you care for. Levi faces his own emotions and becomes honest which results in you being honest.
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The slam of your front door drew your attention. You lived in a cosy house in a nice welcoming town. Since moving to the town for your mental and physical health, you'd become much better. You were happy. The man who walked in through your door was the sheriff and someone you'd fallen in love with, but he had a girlfriend so you stayed a friend.
Levi trudged over to you in your window seat with his brows furrowed and a confused look. "Bea broke up with me."
You stared at him as a rush of emotions went through you. You were happy because you had a shot now, but you were crushed that the man you cared for seemed hurt. "Right. What did she say?"
"She said I've become distant, not fully invested and don't imagine a future with her." He sighed. "That I'm with her out of duty not love and I don't love or care for her."
You winced. "Tad harsh."
He hummed. "I think...she...was right."
You closed your book and sat up. "She was right?" You shifted on the seat and patted the spot next to you. "Sit."
He sat down and leaned his arms on his thighs. "I mean. I didn't look forward to seeing her. I didn't hate seeing her. It was more like..."
"Routine?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I feel awful about it. I don't want to hurt people, but I hurt her."
You nibbled the inside of your lip. "Were you fully invested in the relationship when you started dating?"
He looked up and started to remember a few things. "Ah, well..."
"Levi?"
He looked over at you and felt his cheeks heat up. "When you're in love, how do you feel or react?"
You tilted your head. "Are you questioning if you loved her?"
"Well, I am." He shuffled closer. "How do you know you're in love?"
You pressed your lips together as you thought. "Mm, well...I guess you feel warm inside you. You want to see them all the time. When you're going to see them or they message or call you, you get butterflies and you find yourself smiling a lot. When you're with them you feel comforted by their presence. All you can think about is growing old with them. You want to spend the rest of your life with them. Everything they do or say touches your heart and soul. You adore everything. You want to do everything for them. When you become a couple, you don't stop trying to woo them. You still get them gifts, you still take them on dates and you do everything to make them smile, Plus, holding them or being held by them just brings you inner peace."
Levi stared at you with a cute pinkness on his cheeks. "Mm."
You cleared your throat. "Y-You know Morticia and Gomez and how they are with each other?"
Levi nodded. "Yeah."
"Like that."
He leaned back and tapped the back of his head against your window. "Like that." He echoed your words as he stared at processed things.
You tapped your knuckles against his temple. "You got a lot going on in there."
Levi turned his head and looked deep into your eyes making your heart race. "I do. Your words have unlocked a lot inside me. I need to think a lot through."
You smiled at him. "Well, as always I'm here if you need me."
He grabbed your wrist. "Hey, thanks...I'm trying to...um...can I hug you?"
You stared a moment before nodding. "Yeah, sure thing." You wrapped your arms around him. "You sure to like my hugs, huh?"
He squeezed you. "You have a talent for it."
You pulled back and smiled. "Pizza and movies?"
He nodded. "Yeah. Can we cook together? I like cooking with you."
"Sure!" You walked to the kitchen with him following behind. "We'll make pizza. I need your expert skills in dough making. So get those muscles wor-." You flinched when Levi hugged you from behind. "Levi?"
He tapped his forehead against your shoulder. "Sorry. Just...just for a moment."
"Okay..." You assumed it was because he was upset. You had no idea what the real reason was for holding you. Levi had realised a lot.
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It'd been two months after Levi and Bea had broken up. Levi was doing fantastic and seemed happier. He was spending every waking moment with you or his friends. Bea was the opposite, she was happy at first but seeing Levi doing great she was getting unhappier.
The feelings you had for Levi were screaming at you to tell him. Levi was a lot more affectionate with you. He'd bring you gifts, flowers, food and drink as well as arrange days with you. Your heart kept telling you he was interested in you and to confess, but you were filled with so much self-doubt and worried that being with him would tank his reputation so soon after his last relationship.
You were sat in your bookstore filled with your usual customers and new ones enjoying drinks as they read in your cosy corner. While at your desk you had a piece of paper and a pen with you. You decided to put your feelings down on paper, but it was hard.
After thinking for a while you decided to start writing and it just flowed out of you. You explained how you believed Levi deserved the deepest and most pure love in the world. You said that he deserved so much in this life and he should charge for it. Near the end, you talked about how you've always loved him and cared so deeply for him. You wished him all the best and you'd understand if he wanted to stop being friends because you loved him.
A customer calling for you brought you out of your focus. You slipped away from your desk and walked over to them. Smiling brightly as you assisted them with getting the books they wanted and felt excited when they asked you for recommendations. You walked back with the gentleman to your desk to see Levi was standing there and your letter was gone.
Levi was glaring at the man with you who'd been making you smile and laugh. "Find everything you need?"
The man smiled. "I did. She's a peach and so helpful." He winked at you. "Thank you."
You smiled softly. "You're welcome. Check through them and if you're happy, I'll check you out."
"I hope you do 'cause I'm checking you out." He laughed. "I'm jesting...shit bad flirt...uh...I'll be back in a bit."
You waved to him as you hummed a laugh. "Sure." You walked over to your desk and sat. "Hey, Levi." You look around your desk. "Uh..."
Levi huffed. "I don't like that man."
"Ah, he's okay." You looked up. "Levi? Was there a letter on my desk when you arrived?"
He lifted the letter up as he continued to stare at the man. "You mean this one?"
You went pale as you gulped hard. "Did...did you read it?"
"Yes." He looked over at you and leaned on the desk. "I've been thinking hard since you told me what love is. I know without a doubt what love is now and who I actually love." He reached over and grabbed your hand and ran his lips over your fingers. "Knowing that the woman I love loves me back makes me incredibly happy. I came here today to ask you on a date." He kissed your fingers. "Your letter made me happier than words could describe. When I saw you I felt a rush of emotions and for the first time I finally understood this dark feeling I have been feeling often around you." He locked eyes with you as his look became arousingly dark. "I was a little jealous of you being with that man."
You gulped hard. "H-He was just b-being nice."
Levi released your hand and walked around to your side of the desk. It was cute how you backed up against the wall. He cupped your cheek and tilted his head. "I want you to be mine and only mine. I want to grow old with you." He said your name. "I love you."
Before you could speak his lips met yours in a passionate kiss. The two of you clung to each other, bodies pressed as you explored your love and the deep desires you had held onto for so long. The world around you both just vanished and you forgot all about where you were.
A clearing of a throat made Levi release your lips and look over to the noise while you hid your face against his chest. Levi stared at the man who had flirted with you. "Yes?"
The man strained a smile. "I want to buy these books."
Levi hummed and released you. "I'll do it."
"I was hoping-."
"She's busy." He scanned the books. "I'll do it."
He leaned a bit. "But I can see her right-."
"She's. Busy." He paused and stared at the man before continuing the transaction. He watched the man leave before turning to you. "Now, where was I? Oh yes." He cupped your face making you giggle. "You were going to tell me you love me too, right?"
You nodded shyly. "Yes. I love you too."
@ladycheesington @levisbrat25 @nyxiieluna @li-anne @galactict3a
@youre-ackermine @thebobaprincess @2moth-anon2 @cypidity
@nbinairyn @bts-spnlvr12 @darkstarlight82 @emilyyyy-08
@levistealeaf @pelicanpizza @hideandgopeep @notgoodforlife
@demonic-bird @searriously @anti-cupid
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whimsyprinx · 1 year
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I feel bad that so much of my issue rn is that I’m lonely because I feel like I’m putting a burden on others in admitting this, but like yeah I’m so lonely and I’m worse for it because like I can’t do much about it
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bread-wizards · 3 months
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I love how Laudna and Dorian's confrontations with Orym mirror each other.
Two charismatic but lovable people, friendly people, with a voice in their head telling them to grab onto this dark and evil item. It's to protect your friends, you want to protect them, right?
Orym noticing and knowing of the dark influences that may have a hand in this decision, trying to keep it from them with threats or physically.
The way they both frame it logically first. The other entities aren't telling them what to do, just sitting back and letting them run with it.
It was his decision to keep it, they can't have Dariax carry it the whole time. They know the horror committed by that sword, it could be dangerous. It's not safe handling it so flippantly. "I should have it" is the undercurrent of every sentence.
Then, when that doesn't work and Orym continues to pressure them to leave it, they turn the situation on him.
Can't make issues out of everything, can we? We could put it in the box and get rid of it, but we can't [because you used that box for something else.]
Why do you even need it? It wasn't yours to possess. You already have a sword [one you used to cover me in gashes.]
The effect this has on the group, not turning them on Orym completely but muddying the water and making them unsure on who to side with. They aren't a perpetrator being confronted but a victim being ganged up on.
Dorian drops it soon after, he cares about Orym's opinion a lot and it isn't worth the rift it will create. Laudna doesn't but she has had an extra 30 years with Delilah and will need more than this to change her mind.
"I'd prefer revenge" from Dorian when talking about his brother's murder. "I like that too." from Laudna in reply. "I knew you would." A shared darkness. One that Dorian has had much time to reflect on but one that is still present just as it is for Laudna.
The voice is gone but the voice wasn't always the one making these decisions. Fascinated to see how these two characters progress.
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martyrbat · 2 years
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ghosts - batman: haunted knight
[ID: A multi panel sequence of Bruce Wayne as a child on Halloween. He's dressed up in a Mask of Zorro costume and is excitedly running down the stairs while holding two swords, calling out for his mother happily. He tells her that he's ready to go trick or treating. Martha Wayne has her hand on his shoulder and is smiling as she tells him, “your costume looks great!” Bruce replies, “Thanks, I made it myself. Alfred sorta helped. Is dad home yet?” Martha draws her hand back hesitantly and says his name. Bruce already knows that that means there's bad news. He tells her, “don't tell me,” before she continues and says his father called. Bruce has his head down, angrily finishing her sentence, “he's gotta work late!” He looks out the window as if his father will appear and says, “It's not fair! He promised he would take me trick or treating!” Martha soothes that she knows as Bruce repeats, “he promised,” to himself disappointedly. She tells him, “But there was an emergency,” which makes Bruce snap, “There's always some emergency!”
Bruce continues to stand in front of the window as Martha looks at him. Bruce announces, “I'm gonna wait for him. Even if it takes all night!” as he tensely clenches the handle of his sword. Martha reaches out for him sadly and suggests, “Bruce, I could take you out myself. Or, we can call some of the other children at school and go out with them.” Bruce, as an adult, somberly says off panel that, “she doesn't know...” as his kid self stares out the window still. His hat casting a small shadow on his face as he tells her, “There are no other kids to call. I have no friends at school.” Martha says his name again but doesn't know how to comfort him. Instead, she just silently places a hand on his shoulder. We see a silhouette from far away of her standing next to him as Bruce waits for his father to eventually come home. END ID]
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spaceratprodigy · 7 months
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🎉 [ Art from 2022-2023 ] 🎉
Happy Birthday to my most favorite person in the world, the love of my life 🖤
I still can't believe this'll make our 10th year of being best friends and even more I can't believe we get to celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer 💖💕
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#I was gonna type out more but I decided I didn't want to be too sappy and emotional on main#so much has happened in these past 10 years#I can't believe I made it this far I really did not think I was going to have a future#but I did and I do#I have the most wonderful partner who I connect with in a way I never thought was possible#I am capable of being loved I am capable of loving in return#I learned how to love myself and be unapologetically myself for myself#I lost a lot of people and some very much for the better#I've become so so much happier my god I never thought I'd ever know what this felt like#I'm still angry and numb and having to battle depression but I've grown I've finally become someone worth being proud of#I'm no longer letting that anger and grief and everything that comes with it take over#I can't believe I've actually become gentler and kinder#I can't believe I've actually made genuine friends with people who are nice and caring and supportive#and are actually happy to see me and not trying to take advantage of me at every opportunity I'm finally seen as a person#I can't believe I'm finally in a safe environment I don't have to be terrified anymore I'm not going to be hurt anymore#I can't believe how far I've come creatively bc of how much bf has supported my every passion wholeheartedly#he is the reason I have a drawing tablet he is the one who encourages me and cheers on everything I do#god I still don't know how I could ever in my life thank you enough for every goddamn wonderful thing you do for me#you have changed everything for the better none of this would have ever happened if it wasn't for you#it's always been you#I fucking love you#more than anything in this universe and the next#forever and always#my art#glad I listened to my first tag lmao
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saeshiraw · 1 year
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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musashi · 18 days
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every time i have a mental health episode i like have my initial freakout about being alone and needing someone to talk to and then in like the 11th hour when i'm long past the pain i am like flooded with love and support and instead of responding positively to it i just get really fucking scared, feel like i have manipulated everyone into caring about me, and hide in a fucking hole for days until it all blows over.
genuinely i just wish i had someone who would see me be like 'I HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK' and dm me like 'do you wanna talk about it? or do you want me to talk to you about franmaya.' and then we do that and i'm fine in 5 mins. but it's always either dead silence or walls of text about how great i am and it's just two different forms of torture like how do i respond to this besides just crying and isolating myself entirely.
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pyrriax · 3 months
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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hobisexually · 5 months
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long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on
#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is#but doing what makes you happy#and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures#+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck#while hurtful as fuck too#and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that#confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that#and it feels like it’s not gonna get better#like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love#feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me#and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things?#my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face#I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible#my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man#I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria#and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No !#and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone#should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot#I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine#because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too#and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ?#just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much !#today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after#and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous#I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t#it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain#but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time#what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore#I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but.#Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????
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orcelito · 1 month
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I'm actually appalled at how much naruto shippuden filler I've skipped before. Like the prior two arcs were whatever. Kind of interesting, gave some extra perspectives on a few characters, but Eh
This third one, though. It's really going into Utakata to the point where I'm like. I can't believe I've always skipped this??? It's so interesting!!!! I really do hope that Naruto gets to learn he's a jinchuuriki too, bc even tho he's gonna get slurped up by that statue too, for Right Now at least, there's another jinchuuriki here. And Naruto has only met one before now (since he hasn't met Killer Bee yet). I think he deserves to get to know his fellow jinchuuriki.
#speculation nation#fanny watches naruto#makes me think of a fic i read that had all the jinchuuriki gathering together. really loved that thing.#idk i just think theyre so cool. the exclusive club of incredibly super powered yet also incredibly socially scorned people#only 9 of them!!! kind of!!!! except not for isobu. whatever happened there.#actually im looking forward to fully watching the show this time. for the First time.#when i was first watching shippuden it was only midway thru the first filler arc.#so uh. the third arc? of shippuden. which was relatively early all things considered.#and i kept up with the manga for a while. verging into the war era. tho i didnt get far enough to see the neji thing#though i do remember when it happened. me and my friends mourned for him 😭#but anyways. all that extra stuff on the bijuu and the jinchuuriki. i only really know it through fandom osmosis#and i Love these characters. but ive seen them in the show so little.#so im really enjoying getting to see utakata. his personality is not fully what i envisioned from his design.#his design looks so peaceful. just a chill dude. he's kind of an asshole though lmao#i dig it tho. i also really do like his design. utakata i am so happy to see you in action#even if it's gonna make the later stuff hurt more lol#listen i know the bijuu collection was to create high stakes for naruto. but i lament that nearly every other jinchuuriki end up doomed#like if it werent for chiyo gaara would be dead. and otherwise it's just killer bee and naruto.#yugito seems like she was so cool. and i wanna get to know fuu 🥺🥺🥺#hfkshfj i want to get to know them all......... waaaa
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riotdyke · 9 months
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FF7 Crisis Core really is just like the most earnest piece of media ever. To the point where it's so silly you just gotta laugh at times but it will still make you sob because the feelings are so real.
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heyitslapis · 10 months
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vent
#haha now im fucking sobbing im my bathroom bc i was texting one of my only 2 friends (not including my ex) about how nervous i am#then i started in about how i actually dont really want to go out & meet people & go on dates but at the same time#im so extremely tired of being lonely/alone & having absolutely no one to consistently hang out with & im so starved for love & gentleness#and tbqh all i want rn is someone to hold me. i want someone to actively want me/pursue me. i want someone to choose me & care about me#it really fucking hurts & sucks being on everyones backburner. im such a loving person. i have such a big heart & so much love to give#ive always been like that. ive always loved people with my whole being. always been happy & happy to make others happy#ive always prioritized peoples happiness & comfort & well-being FAR above my own#ive always heard the universe gives back what it receives from you......so whens it my turn to be wanted fully & loved in an unwavering way#my love has always been give give give...... i just want to receive the affection. the devotion. the loving tasks. for once. please.....#im not even looking for my forever or for my life partner or w/e. i just want someone who's excited to see me & wants to be in my presence#someone who; even if only for 1 day or 1 week or even 1 month; chooses me. chooses to stay.#i think......im tired. im gonna go play fallout nv until i pass out from exhaustion. im tired#emma vents#vent tag#sad boi hours#sad bitch hours#2023 tag
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stabyou · 11 months
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i just burst into tears reading a totally normal post of one of my moots having a good time with their friends and literally Just Living Life because i want to have that so badly. i am so fucking unfulfilled, alone, miserable... and it feels even worse because im doing it to myself
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martyrbat · 2 years
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👍👍
#im bout to be whiny before getting nauseated at being kimda vulnerable and end up deleting this but just#shoutout to my friend (who was the only person i ever shared my writing with for over a year)#just telling me they've always just skimmed my fics AND infodumps because they dont care. like has read at most a handful of me talking &#usually skips any rare audio message that i sent when SUPER excited and made up drama to have an excuse to change topics#again. for over a year.#then getting guilt trippy when i was hurt by it until i apologize instead which !! lmao fuck ok !#its just... very hmpth :/ bc it eas already a shitty night and week of nonstop migraine. and then this#and taking into account im someone who NEVER blocks any of my friends tags or doesnt read and invest myself in their interests#even if i dont like it; i love seeing people (even strangers) excited and talking about what they like so of course im going to#at least watch them talk on it and/or actually research into it because i want to be able to understand their happiness!#and because its whats important to them !! i dont expect the same and im not shaming anyone for not doing the same its fine I guess#but to tell me? and to say they dont read my writing or give a single shit about me talking about something#when i always put 100% into their interests? am i that shitty of a writer and that obnoxious to listen to lmao#like i feel shitty for even being hurt over it and even venting because you guys arent here for that and its mean to force it on ur dash#and i dont want to be too whiny but also. jfc man#ill stay silly starting tomorrow and post about batmans balls or whatever. sorry for the vent just. bleh.#that ‘december please bro please im begging just a break please man’ post but its me throughout this February too apparently
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