#as much as other rats dying did hurt. none were still babies. none acted like a baby. they all were grown up and all

[sar3nka]

Well fuck they can't remove the tumor in Bezi so it's pretty much a death sentence. The only hope is that her meds will stop the growth completely and she lives a month or 3 at best...

She's fine now, will talk to the vet a bit in like an hour and see what are the options. But the surgeon who called me to inform me abt all this told me not to get my expectations very high

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #285

"do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?”

What does your car smell like? You assume I have a car. Would you ever let anybody else drive your car? ^ Have you ever met someone in person who you first met on the internet? Do you have plans to do that anytime soon? Yes, Sara. I want to visit her again, but right now I have no clue when that will happen. I have another friend that wants me to shoot her wedding that was planned for this year, but it was delayed to an unknown date, so. What was the last thing you used a blender for? A margarita. Have you ever got into an argument with a stranger on social media? Do you remember what it was about? Yep. There's been a couple. Has COVID had any impact on your Christmas plans this year? What’s going to change or be different to normal? Yes. Mom and I aren't coming while Ashley's inlaws are there at her house, and then I think we're going to my other sister's since she wants to cook? I've only really overheard Mom over the phone, I'm not 100%. I'm just. Going with it. What’s your favourite flavor of cake? Are you any good at making that kind of cake? Probably red velvet, or just double chocolate. I dunno. I love cake. I don't cook, though. Are you currently under any COVID-related restrictions where you live? Are people generally following the rules? Well, you're SUPPOSED to wear a fucking mask, but "it's a hoax" and "you can't make me" fuckheads don't listen, and it's poorly-enforced. You see people without them all the time. Do you still watch cartoons? I'm not opposed, I just don't watch television. Is anyone else in the same room as you right now? What is that person up to? No. Do you use Pinterest? Ha, I get most of my (unedited) avatars from there. It also gives me some pose ideas for photography. Are you wearing earrings? Ugh, no. I absolutely hate how the first holes stretched from heavy earrings. I need to get a proper tapering set if I want to actually use gauges (mind you, very small) so they look even semi-good again. I don't wear any in the second/upper holes because I think it just looks weird with nothing in the first. Do you know any sign language? Not anymore. In elementary school, we did do a play however where in one of the songs, we signed the lyrics. I remember zero. Have you ever gone on a service trip to an underprivileged country? No. Which breed of dog do you find most scary? None. Ever been to a pottery class? Not particularly, no. I've made pottery in normal art classes multiple times, though. When you were young, did you ever pretend to “marry” somebody? I have no idea. I don't have a specific memory. Don’t you just find it annoying when people get too much plastic surgery? Oh, fuck off. Is it your body? Is it there to boost YOUR confidence? Then your opinion doesn't fuckin matter. Are you the type who usually plays it safe? Yep. Who do you think about most? It's certainly not willingly, but Jason. PTSD kinda engraved his presence in my brain. How’s your grandmother? Both are dead. What’s your favourite type of cloud? Big, tall, and poofy cumulonimbus ones. Do you have a birthmark? Where? Does it look like anything? Yeah, a slightly darker brown blotch on the side of my right forearm, near the elbow. If you were blind for the rest of your life… what would you miss seeing the most? Probably people smiling. My nieces' and nephew's came to mind first. What is your most disappointing moment in life? I've been living it for years now. I'm not who I wanted or thought I would be at all. What is the best reward anyone can give you? Validation lmao. What is your favorite animal? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Meerkats, always. God, I can barely boil it down to three words. Loyal, complex, and brave will have to do. What is your favorite color? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Pink. Soft, pretty, gentle. What do you consider to be the most valuable thing you own: when you were a child/teenager/now? As a child, my big plastic crocodile named Marlin (yes, after the Finding Nemo character) that was the "main character" in my games of make-believe. As a teen, probably Rebel, the stuffed meerkat Jason gave me. Now, it's absolutely the pebble I got upon "graduation" from my partial hospitalization program. What’s the kindest act you have ever seen done? I'm not sure; I've seen a good deal. Thinking of only the ones I've seen in-person, uhhhh... wait. A couple days before my overdose, in desperation, I called Jason's house in the middle of the night wanting to talk to him. His mom answered, and she talked to me for hours with such patience and kindness to try and calm me down. I miss her a lot. Is Frozen one of your favorite Disney movies? No, I never really liked it. If you were an explorer, would you rather explore the Arctic Circle, Antarctica, or Alaska? Ohhh, Alaska. It's gorgeous and at least not absolutely frigid everywhere. How many blankets do you sleep with in the winter? I usually just have my usual thick comforter, but if I'm seriously cold, I'll grab another smaller one to wrap myself in underneath the big one. Do you know of anyone who was in labor or gave birth to a baby during a major snowstorm? HAHA my mama w/ me. Do you enjoy eggnog during the winter - with or without alcohol? EW. Do you dress any of your pets in seasonal/holiday apparel? No; I really dislike the concept of dressing your animals unless it's truly for their own benefit/warmth. Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it? Uhhhhh. I have no idea. Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook? NOOOOOOO. When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? Ugh, my laptop is fucked up. It's either the charger port, charger itself, or Mom thinks perhaps the battery. Her friend's husband is gonna look at it after Christmas. Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain? For once my legs aren't hurting. They almost always do from either muscle atrophy or them having been still for too long. The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? It was just a normal 'ole peanut butter sandwich. What’s your favorite time of day? What’s your favorite thing to do at that time? First thing in the morning, because it feels like a new start. I like watching the sky change from pinkish to blue while I'm just sitting in bed checking everything. Where did you go the last time you left your house? I rode with Mom to her doctor's appointment. I didn't go in w/ her for obvious reasons, I just wanted to go on a ride and listen to music. If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it? It has to be medium well. Idk what sauces are cooked into it that I like, because I don't make it. I like fries with steak, and probably Sara's mom's mashed potatoes would go well, haha. Do you prefer sweet or savory pancakes? What toppings do you have on them? I can't imagine me liking savory pancakes... I just like the usual: butter (not mandatory tho) and syrup. Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO, I HATE THE NOISE SO MUCH. My lower spine pops a lot, though. Some fingers occasionally, too. Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? Is this something you do on a regular basis? Yeah, I was taking Melatonin to fight insomnia for quite a while. I only stopped it because my mom was theorizing that it may have been making my nightmares worse, because her dad had AWFUL nightmares on it. I don't know if it did or didn't foor me, honestly. For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight? Knowing in the back of my mind that despite my hope, today's going to be the same as yesterday. I dread most nights the process of lying down and actually falling asleep, because it can take hours. Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? Not only do I think diet sodas taste bad, but the artificial sweetener gives me awful headaches, anyway. What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day? I'm only always in my pjs. When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser? Ugh... it's been a very, very long time. It was done by a hairdresser, but per usual, the color didn't stick well. I am DYING to bleach my hair so I can dye it pastel pink, light silver, or like a creamsicle orange. I edited some pictures of myself to "try" these colors on, and omg I loved them all. Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it? Not really, no. I barely go anywhere at all though, so I have Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? Yes; yes; no. How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read? VERY few. I've only just gotten back into semi-regularly reading since Sara got me into Wings of Fire. I have one friend though that is an INCREDIBLE bookworm; she keeps track of how many books she's read in a year, and she's already beyond one a day. It's incredible. If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? Roman came from Ashley's inlaws'. They have like an infestation of cats needing to be spayed, so they didn't at all mind letting me have one because I'd been wanting a cat for a long time. I love my baby boy so much. Venus came from The Gourmet Rodent, a snake breeding (and F/T rat provider, as the name suggests) business from Florida. I highly recommend them. Their customer service was fantastic when I was worried about Venus not eating. They even checked up with me a few months following my emails to ensure she was doing well. Have you ever seen an episode of My 600lb Life? No. I absolutely NEVER could. As an obese person who's been fighting her fucking ass off to lose weight for years, I don't want to be further depressed. Do you feel bad when someone asks you to hang out and you say no? Oh yes I do. Ngl, if I don't want to hang for whatever reason, I'm the kind that makes up an excuse to not seem *as* "rude" (quotations bc it's technically not rude at all, anxiety just tells me it is). When was the last time you turned down plans with someone? What did you decide to do instead? Ummmm I'm not sure. Have you ever had any “unusual” or exotic pets? If you could own any animal, what would it be and why? Do you consider iguanas or Chinese water dragons as "exotic/unusual?" Nothing stranger than that, really. I would never, ever own a truly exotic animal that wouldn't do well in captivity. I do however pretty desperately want to rescue an opposum one day, though. I positively adore them; they're my second-favorite animal. How often do you wash your hair? I don't even have a regular schedule for that anymore, honestly... I have to every time I shower because my hair gets oily FAST, but I try to put off showers as long as I can handle now because of how bad my selfcare has been for multiple reasons... What have you found the hardest about the current pandemic? Not seeing an end in sight because people are fucking dumb. Shit's not going to get better unless things drastically change. And what about the easiest? Has anything improved in your life because of what’s happened? Certainly nothing has improved. Not much has changed for me, considering I barely ever left the house to begin with. If you have multiple pets, do they get along with each other? Are they related or even the same species? They ignore each other, really. Surprisingly, even. Roman will sit on my bed and watch Venus slither about occasionally if she's out, even meerkat pose haha, and playful as he is, it's unexpected that he *does* mostly ignore her. What was the last meal you ate? Did you have anything good? Breakfast; I had Special K cereal. I've finally started to get back on track with eating okay. Do you live somewhere where strangers say hi to you in the street? Would you like to live somewhere like that? Where we live now, if you pass someone outside in the car, it's normal and really expected to give a little wave. That's very normal here in the South though, really; you don't just have to be in your own neighborhood. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? The chocolate Equate ones are normal in my diet, actually. They're really not bad at all and played a big role in me losing ~60lbs before. Funnily enough, I haven't found a popular name brand I like, though. Cheap stuff isn't always bad. Do you make up silly nicknames for your pets or family members? "Silly" ones, not really, besides Roman. I call him "weirdo" and "crazy" a lot, but nothing truly unique. What’s your favorite thing to take photographs of? Are you actually any good at photography? Nature or boudoir (only shot it once, but I love it and the confidence it gives people). Being as modest as possible, I honestly do think I'm pretty good at it. Do you have anything interesting planned for the rest of the day? How about for tomorrow or the weekend? I haven't had anything interesting planned in eons, it seems like. Are you going to take the vaccine for COVID once it becomes available? Once it proves to be reliable and safe, hell yes. I'm doing my goddamn part in ending this shit. How much housework have you done lately? Is this more or less than usual? A bit more than usual since I haven't finished decorating my room since moving... I've been doing it very slowly and gradually. I need to just finish it already, I'm just so unmotivated. What gifts are you hoping to get for your next birthday (or Christmas, whichever one is coming up next)? I'm fucking dying to get my tat redone/improved. Been waiting since LAST Christmas when I didn't get to use my own gifted money. Do you suffer from any form of motion sickness? No. Do you contribute regularly to any Facebook groups at all? "I’m a member of plenty, but hardly ever post." <<<< Same. I react to posts a lot, though. Just don't really make my own. When was the last time you weighed yourself? Were you happy with the numbers you saw? Ugh... when I went to the doctor I think last week. I knew it'd be bad, but the verification fucking sucked. Since moving, I've gained ~30lbs. Have you got any chronic health issues? What do you do to try and manage them as best you can? YIKES I am a CATASTROPHE. I've got a dictionary of mental health issues that I'm not gonna go through individually, but I deal with them via prescription medications and therapy and sheer will. Who taught you how to drive? My driver's ed teacher. It was mandatory in HS. What was your high school mascot? A firebird. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. What did you do after graduation? I very briefly went to a community college. What was your first job? GameStop sales associate. If my social anxiety wasn't fucking shit, I probably would have liked it. What did you want to be when you grew up? Somewhat in order: paleontologist, vet, movie director, game designer, animal biologist, video editor (VERY brief), and photographer. Writer, poet, and artist were always something I wanted to do in my free time OR full time if I was lucky. Do you remember the first time you drank a beer? I've never tried beer and don't want to. It smells fucking awful, and because my dad is a recovered alcoholic who was addicted to that in specific, I just want nothing to do with it. Did you ever try cigarettes? No. I have absolutely never understood the appeal, but with a very addictive personality and wild anxiety, I never wanted to risk it, anyway. How did you spend your summers growing up? LOADS of swimming in the pool, jumping on the trampoline, and just playing outside in general. If you could change anything from your teenage years, would you? I'd absolutely change how I found happiness only in Jason. Do you remember your first time? No, because at that time, I didn't really realize it was sex. I know that sounds weird, like "how would you not know?", but just trust me. I don't feel like retrospecting on it. I do remember our first *kiss*-kiss, though. How much did you make per hour at your first job? I don't recall. Favorite home-cooked meal growing up? I looooved spaghetti. Favorite place to eat out growing up? McDonald's, duh, lol. Did your parents live in a different country before you were born? No. They were from different states, though. Do you have a preferred coffee brand? Don't like coffee. Have you ever dated someone who was terrible with money? No. How often do you paint your nails? Never. Do you know anyone who's related to a current or former world leader? Not that I know of. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? I don't pay taxes because I'm unemployed. What is something you don't have any natural talent for? Speaking. At all. What is something you frequently forget? "Numbers." <<<< BIG fat same. How do you feel about your body? How much I hate it is on my mind literally every waking moment of my life to some degree. Who is someone you would like to get to know better? So I have this Facebook friend Courtlynn who seems very similar to me, and I'd love to get to know her better. We interact via posts here and there, but have never seriously talked. What's your opinion on assisted suicide? I am very much for it when a person is in serious pain and recovery is not possible. Like one of my greatest nightmares is being paralyzed from the neck down, and I stg I would spite whichever fucker had jurisdiction over me living. That would be absolute torture for me. At what point do you consider a relationship to be "long-term?" A year, so long as you were consistently together. Stable. What jobs did your parents have when you were growing up? My dad's been a mailman my entire life, and he had a second job at Lowe's for a while as a carpenter. He hated it. Mom worked with computer data at the hospital when I was very young, and then she was an assitant and special needs teacher for a long time. Do they still have these jobs? Or different jobs? Or have they retired? ^ about Dad. It's his only job now. Mom is currently on disability. Do you have a cell contract plan, or are you on a pre-paid plan? Would you believe me if I said I'm unsure? Haha. I use a Tracfone, and my mom takes care of whatever plan comes with that, so idk. Would your parents be okay with you dating someone of another race? Mom, absolutely. I'm unsure about Dad. I mean he wouldn't *seriously* care so long as they were good to me, but I think he might still be kinda racist. Or he just jokes about it a lot (which should not be joked about, btw). Do you like when friends stop by unexpectedly? "No way lol. I’m very much of a loner and want to be “prepared” to spend time with people." <<<< Absolutely this. How strong are your feelings for the last person you kissed? I love her very, very much. What was the last thing someone else bought for you? Food, I'm sure. Are you attracted to the last person you exchanged numbers with? I haven't seen a picture of her in years, so I have no idea. I remember she was beautiful, though. Is music a daily part of your life? Not daily, no. Some days I only watch YT videos instead of listen to music. What do you think of country music? Not a fan at all. It's ironic considering it was my favorite genre as a little kid. There's the occasional country song I like (mostly ones from my childhood, though), but those are few and far between. Tim McGraw, now, I love. Did you go to your high school’s graduation? Yeah, even though I didn't want to. I didn't care enough about the actual ceremony. Who was the last person to message you on Facebook? What would you do if that person told you they have feelings for you? That would be the woman I took family pictures for. She's married and we barely know each other, so I can assure you she doesn't. When you apply your make-up, do you do it in a specific order? On the very rare occasion I wore makeup, yes. Eyeliner, usually eyeshadow, mascara, and most rarely, black lipstick. Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes? Yes. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Mom, I think. Do you like where you are in life right now? HA. Is your mom overbearing? No.

[vulpesvulpex-blog]

extremely detailed character sheet beneath cut

BASICS

FULL NAME:

Official name (current): Vixen Carlos

Past official names: Vixen, Vixen Österberg, Todd Österberg, Ravona (verse specific)

MEANING:

Vixen, Todd, Ravona- literally all mean Fox ; Österberg- eastern hill ; Carlos- manly... ironic, names herself after the transgender composer Wendy Carlos, also on my side in reference to Bun E Carlos from Cheap Trick

NICKNAME: Vix, Bunny

MEANING: diminutive; Bunny is in reference to her appearance mostly, and playboy bunnies 

AGE APPEARANCE: threads work anywhere from 18-68, older than age when she’s younger, younger when she’s older

BIRTHDAY: Summer solstice, unspecific, year varies per thread

ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Cancer cusp

SPECIES: Human in most verses; Modified homo Sapiens; homo Sapiens mutant

GENDER: female

ALLERGIES: nothing major, dust

SEXUAL PREFERENCE: bisexual, predominantly with a preference for women, more so over time. identifies as lesbian. somewhat kinky, but repressed, conflicted

THEME SONG(S): have a gander in the tag- ‘midnight radio’ (music) 

APPEARANCE

HAIR COLOR: naturally- dark brown, typically- dyed multiple colors 

HAIR STYLE AND LENGTH: shoulder length or longer, never short. worn loose usually, periodically in a ponytail, wavy, fine. relatively unstyled or untreated beyond dying

EYES COLOR: Steely blue, pale, pretty uniform EYESIGHT: Average but weakens with age, more farsighted than nearsighted

HEIGHT: 6′1

WEIGHT: 120-160 pounds, muscular but struggles with anorexia

OUTFIT/CLOTHING STYLE: ranging from high femme to business butch, follower of glam, always in heels, tight usually form fitting clothes, rarely wears skirts

ABNORMALITIES(TAIL): depends on what you’d call abnormal, transgender

DISTINGUISHING MARKS(SCARS,MOLES): Scars verse-dependent, mostly accidents, fights, self harm, nothing major, a few surgical scars from breast implants (verse dependent) has not had bottom surgery and is reluctant to despite distractingly prominent features 

SELF CARE(MAKE UP): Rarely seen without makeup, eyeliner, some mascara, lipgloss or lipstick, foundation blush etc, tries to minimize that forehead and chin

FIRST IMPRESSION ON PEOPLE: Flirty, guarded, indecisive, attempting confidence

SKIN COLOR: Very fair, freckled, thick veins show up easily

BODY TYPE/BUILD: Tall, slim build, feminine but athletic: small toned waist, muscular ass, lean legs, flat/prominent chest (verse dependent), somewhat of an narrow hourglass

DEFAULT EXPRESSION: bored, not quite resting bitchface, but almost sad

POSTURE: Will correct frequently, pushing chest out and standing straighter. Tends to try and make herself smaller subconsciously, slouching.

PIERCINGS: verse dependent, nothing more risque than the ears

DESCRIBE THEIR VOICE: singsongy, relatively deep, soft

RELATIONSHIPS

SIBLINGS: doesn’t mention them, verse dependent 

HOW WELL DO THEY GET ALONG: distant, detached 

OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS: closest with grandmother, but no longer. rarely speaks with parents. 

PAST LOVER(S): verse dependent, likely no one notable

CURRENT LOVER: verse dependent, a bit repressed

REACTION TO MEETING SOMEONE NEW: Somewhat standoffish but usually polite, to the point, concerned with appearances

ABILITY TO WORK WITH OTHERS: Can do fine but rather work alone and do everything or someone else do all the work

HOW SOCIABLE(LONER,ETC): Superficially social, most of the time rather introverted but turns up the charm to 11 when feeling like it/wants something

FRIENDS: Doesn’t make friends easily, verse dependent, largely coworkers but not closely

PETS: Not usually financially/socially stable enough for pets. likes cats, rats, birds, rodents, nothing too big or noisy

PARENTAL TYPE(PROTECTIVE,ETC): Anxious, unwilling. Careful but somewhat neglectful, not someone who intended to be a parent. Somewhat strict.

FAVORITE PEOPLE: Smart people who might be smart asses but aren’t know it alls, someone with a sense of humor who doesn’t think they’re the funniest person in the world

LEAST FAVORITE PEOPLE: remove the buts and replace them with ands. people with no respect or sense of boundaries 

PERSONALITY

..WHEN YOU FIRST MEET THEM: Kind of blunt and weird, quiet, awkward. Very... tall. Girlish, not too tactful. 

..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY LIKE YOU): Nicer, quite intelligent, an eager learner, open minded but stubborn, playful and energetic, loves jokes and clever references, generous. 

..AS YOU KNOW THEM BETTER(AND THEY DISLIKE YOU): Vixen, if you’re lucky, pays you no mind, will not talk to you, and generally ignores and avoids you, too busy to be bothered by anything you do. If you’re a real asshole then you get the ruder more aggressive side who will let people know she doesn’t like you and why. Rather self centered and impatient. 

FAVORITE COLOR: pink, orange, warm colors

FAVORITE FOOD: gelato

FAVORITE ANIMAL: rabbits

FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: organ, analog synths

FAVORITE ELEMENT: hydrogen

LEAST FAVORITE COLOR: grey

LEAST FAVORITE FOOD: not big on seafood 

LEAST FAVORITE ANIMAL: centipedes

LEAST FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: ukelele

LEAST FAVORITE ELEMENT: surprise 

HOBBIES: music, continued education, gardening (usually indoors), bodybuilding, fashion, museums, misc

USUAL MOOD: observational, snippy/sarcastic 

DRINK/SMOKE/DRUGS: debatable, verse dependent. in moderation in most verses, avoids hard drugs but may abuse prescription medication. not big on cigarettes. 

HOW SERIOUS ARE THEY: serious in her work, but a little more lighthearted on a friendly basis. 

CLASS IN AN RPG: Sorcerer 

BELIEVE IN GHOSTS: No, adamantly 

(IN)DEPENDENT: Pretty independent but privately needy

SOFT SPOT/VULNERABILITY: Being seen as ugly, unwomanly, inferior, fake, a poser, a pervert, undesirable

OPINION ON SWEARING: Swears to the point of issue 

DAREDEVIL VS CAUTIOUS: thinks she’s/wants to be a daredevil, probably more cautious 

MUSIC TYPE: Art rock, electronic music, music concrete, disco, would probably listen to vaporwave 

MOVIE TYPE: Artfilms, yes, seriously. Very 80s young adult crap. Documentaries that are just left on all day. Hates most action films, romance, and family films. 

BOOK TYPE: Nonfiction and pop culture/fashion magazines 

GAME TYPE: Strategy, rpg adventure

COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE: Indecisive, lukewarm

SLEEPING PATTERN: Poor. Stays up too late, sleeps too little, will take mid day naps

CLEANLINESS/NEATNESS: Vixen is kinda a slob

DESIRED PET: a leopard or something ridiculous like that

HOW DO THEY PASS TIME: More work, needs to be occupied at all times, that or junk, work out, window shop, sleep, want to do things and not do them

BIGGEST SECRET: That she’s trans but thinks everyone already knows. or Verse dependent nastiness, not always a ‘good’ person

HERO/WHO THEY LOOK UP TO: verse dependent, famous scientists/humanitarians 

WHAT ANIMAL WOULD THEY BE: Fox

FEARS: Rejection, being alone, failure, men

COMFORTS: reading, coding, listening to music, exercise, animals, gardening, garbage tv, shopping, swimming

HOW DO THEY ACT WHEN THEY ARE…

SAD: distant, quiet, disinterested, tired

HAPPY: Excitable, playful, easygoing, diligent 

ANGRY: aggressive, impatient, mouthy

AFRAID: Watchful, anxious, guarded, hesitant

IN LOVE: Silly, nervous, touchy, affectionate, talkative 

HATE SOMEONE: blunt, dismissive, avoidant 

WANT SOMETHING: manipulative, cheeky, flirtatious

CONFUSED: doubtfulness, anxiety, frustration

HOW DO THEY REACT TO…

DANGER: Overstimulation 

SOMEONE THEY HATE WHO HAS A CRUSH ON THEM: Disgust

PROPOSAL TO MARRY: Bewilderment, disbelief, hesitation 

DEATH OF LOVED ONE: Quietude, depression, neglect

DIFFICULT GAME/MATH/ETC: A challenge to be beaten

INJURY: Surprise

SOMETHING IRRESISTIBLY CUTE: Loss of composure, squealing and repetition

KNOWLEDGE

LANGUAGES: English and or Swedish, verse dependent (eg. Japanese, German)

SCHOOLING LEVEL: College educated

FAVORITE SUBJECT: Science

INTERESTED CAREERS: Mechanical/Acoustic engineer, biologist, bioengineer, geneticist, musician, artist, model, programmer, trophy wife, nothing that involves too much talking or dealing with people

EXPERTISE: technical skills such as working with machines, languages- especially code and mathematics, music, verse dependent sciences

[dyzie7754]

All This Time (2/2)

Pairing: Sam X Reader Warnings: Angst, blood Summary: Part 2 out of 2. I am just super surprised my writings have taken off. Anyways, the reader heads to meet Sam, but what exactly does he have to say? Word count: Approximately 2300 words. 

 Catch up! Read: Part One

     Reaching your front door, you paused trying to swallow the sudden nervous jitters that seemed to roll in your body like tidal waves. THE SAM WINCHESTER was at your door. Right now, in the middle of the night, being all mysteriously romantic and stuff. Who even throws rocks at windows these days? You found yourself not caring too much as you placed your hand on the cool door knob, that did nothing to calm the heat rising in your skin as you were buzzing with excitement. Who knew such simple teasing could land you right here?  Inches away from a man who had been haunting your fantasies for years.

     A man whose eyes seemed to captivate you. A man whose smile was the brightest you had ever seen. A man who was as fierce as he was soft, as rebellious as he was loyal. A man who was nothing more than a walking mass of contradiction and pure sensual need. A man who had a past darker and more sinister than most criminals. A man whose stability is ripped from beneath him at every turn. A man who has had countless heartbreaks, and ‘almost’ happy times. A man whose heart was hurting, and whose mind was barely taped together.

Blowing out the breath you didn’t know you had been holding, you opened the door slowly, biting your lower lip in anticipation of what lay beyond only several layers of treated oak. When Sam finally came into the view of the increasing gap, he smiled at you.

“Y/n!” he chuckled, his voice sounding relieved. “You had me worried! For a second there, I thought ah-I thought you really weren’t going to open the door.”

“Sam, how could I not open the door? It’s you,” you say simply, truthfully.

You couldn’t quite read Sam’s expression at your response. It was almost pained. “Yeah, yeah. Of course, you would, what was I thinking?” he says quickly. “Hey, let’s go inside,” he says stepping past you into your home. You follow him confused, but when you get to the entryway-he’s nowhere to be found.  “Sam?” you call out hesitantly, growing slightly scared. “Sam, I thought you wanted to talk?”

“Of course, I do,” comes Sam’s voice to immediately to your left, causing you to jump with a shriek.  

“What the hell, Sam! You’re acting weird. What’s going on?” 

“Nothing. Sorry just nervous.”

“For what?”

“Look ah-Y/n, I ah- I really like you, and I was serious. If you can tell me to my face, you don’t feel the same, that this isn’t worth at least a shot, I’ll leave. You’ll never have to worry about me doing something like this again. But if there is even the SLIGHTEST chance there is something between us, I think we should give it a shot,” Sam said earnestly, his eyes holding an emotion in them you had never seen.

   A flash out of the corner of your eye caught your attention again and, there was Sam again-another Sam, in different clothing, calling out to you. He seemed to be screaming at you silently, pleading with you to pay attention to him. Your front room seemed to distort itself for a second, as if reality bent, and in front of you was a dim, dark room. Surprised, you through your head around, but it was as if nothing had happened.

Shaking your head, you tried to figure out how to reply. “Sam, I-I don’t know. We both have so much work to do, and we must stop the damning of the world and demons and God only knows what else. I just don’t want our emotions to screw our game up and get us killed.”

“I don’t get killed, Y/n. And if I do, I always come back,” Sam says taking your hand.

“Until the one time you don’t, Sam! Until the one time you don’t. Then what? I’m all alone again!” You cry, ripping your hand away.

At that moment, the ghost Sam appeared again, this time- he was slightly bloody with a bruised cheek. He was screaming again, shaking with unheard pleas towards you.  A shadow loomed in the distance behind him, slowly approaching him from his back. It looked big, and even out the corner of your eye, you could tell ghost Sam was in trouble.

“Y/n, why are you against this?” the Sam in front of you said, tone suddenly stern and serious.

     “What are you talking about, Sam? What’s really going on?” You ask suddenly scared.

       “You couldn’t just stay here-with me? Let me love you- the way you’ve dreamed of? I mean-come on!” Sam shouted, pacing back and forth. He looks back at you with a smirk, “The real Sam is never going to love you. You should just live out your final moments happily.”

“What the hell are you?”

‘Sam’ smiles at you, “I don’t know, Y/n. What am I?” he chuckles and shrugs, “I’m perfect. Perfect Sam. Perfect moment. Perfect love. Perfect world. Perfect.” He finishes his sentence enunciating each perfect very carefully.

Suddenly it clicks, everything clicks. How romantic he was being suddenly. The texts, the flirting- it was all an illusion. This entire night hadn’t been real. It hadn’t been Sam. Maybe that was why you were so lineant in opening the door, or flirting back. Maybe that is why you snapped back at him earlier with a courage you didn’t know you had. It was fake- and deep down, past your feelings – you realized that.

“You’re a dijin,” You say confidently, and ‘Sam’ gives you a wink. “None of this was real.”

“That’s right. But-“The dijin says with a smile. “Stay anyway. It’ll be wonderful for you. I can even drain you slower to make the allusion last a little longer, since we got… interrupted. I mean am I supposed to be impressed with his performance?”

  “No way in hell!”

“Think about it, Y/n. You can have the best of Sam- for what to you will seem like years. You can have the doves, the picket fence, hell! I’ll even throw in saving the world, and some rug rats. Deal?”

“No!”

Sam couldn’t believe this was happening. He had waited years. YEARS. He was going to tell you how he felt. He had done everything right-flirty/direct texting, showing up unexpected, making a romantic entry. He thought he was finally moving forward. He loved you. He was going to tell you. He was going to hold you, show you. Finally.

He watched as your head disappeared from your window as you were on your way to let him in, his mind wandering on all the moments of the past and possibilities of the future. With you. He couldn’t believe had finally ‘got it in gear’, as Dean would say, but he was sure glad he did.

A minute passed, then two… No Y/n. Three minutes, then four….Still no Y/n. Five minutes, then six…

Sam was beginning to think you had abandoned him, and that was when he heard you scream and the sounds of broken glass. Pulling his gun from his waistband, he kicked in your door to investigate, but you were already gone.

Sam called Dean immediately and they set to work. Sam called in favors he didn’t even know he had to find you. To save you. Just as you saved him. It took three days to figure out it was a Dijin. It took one week to track you down.

One week.

Sam had just prayed you’d still be alive when he got there. He had never driven so fast. The car he had stolen out of some parking lot when Dean had called only read up to 100 mph, but he was definitely pushing that peddle faster. He burst into the warehouse like a goddamn villain in those comic books you had on your shelf. While Dean was handling the dijin, Sam was trying to pull you from the chains and draining equipment. When he had finally gotten you down, he tried to stop the bleeding, but it was hard. You had cuts everywhere. He tried screaming at you to get your attention, but you couldn’t hear him, just starring off into space, barely clinging to life.

“C’mon Y/n! Wake up!” he cried, shaking you slightly. “Damnit, Y/n! Please!” The blood was seeping through the shirt he had placed to the deepest cut on your stomach, it wasn’t stopping. Sam was watching you die. He could already see you paling, your skin losing the glow he loved so much. Your eyes started to gloss, and your body started to shake slightly.

“No, Y/n. No! C’mon wake up. Baby, please wake up,” He tried again, nearing sobs and hysteria. 

He couldn’t handle this. Not another Jess. Not another woman he loved gone before he could properly love them. Why couldn’t he protect you? Why did he have to wait? He should have said something much sooner. Much sooner. He should have walked away from hunting with you, warded you both in a forgotten tower to live out your days with each other. He should have done something. Anything. But no, instead he decided to ignore this feeling you gave him, ignore you. For years.

He was so screwed up.

He hadn’t noticed the dijin sneaking up behind him, until he was thrown backwards across the vast warehouse. He hit a table with an alarming crack, but he felt no pain as he struggled to find you through blurring eyes. When he could focus, he began struggling to get to you. To stand, which he was finding difficult.   The dijin looked at Sam, then to your fallen form. He then bent so that he was perched over you, whispering to you. Your head turned towards him. 

“Get away from, Y/n!” Sam screamed, his struggle becoming more and more true as he finally managed to stand. He began to run towards you and the dijin, when the dijin finally looked up at Sam.

The menacing look froze Sam for a millisecond. But that was all it took. The dijin leaned down and shoved his arm through your mid-section, completely rupturing your abdominal. It was at that moment that Dean had managed to finish him off, and Sam ran back over to you.

You were chocking on your own blood, but you were out of that damned allusion. The room smelled funny, like blood, but then again, it was probably yours. You knew that at least. You knew you were dying when you were ripped from the dijin’s power. It was the first thing you realized about your actual reality. The second thing you noticed was Dean. Standing over you, near tears- trying to be as stonefaced as possible. Although his look said it all. Dean’s face told you were definitely not doing hot by any means. The third thing you noticed was Sam, sitting beside you, tears streaming freely. He was holding you as best he could, but to be honest- you couldn’t really feel your body. You almost felt like you were floating and Sam was the only thing holding you down, and he wasn’t letting go.

“Sam,” you struggled, your voice sounding strange even to you. You watched as his eyes flew to yours, holding such hope, sadness, and love.

“Y/n, I’m sorry. I wasn’t fast enough. I tried. I swear I tried. I tried,” he said quickly, trying to reassure both you and him. “I wasn’t that late though, babe. You’ll be fine after we stitch you up.”

“Sam,” you say, your eyes and chest growing heavier and heavier. “We both know that last part isn’t true. I’m not leaving the warehouse…” you cough up more blood and continue, “I’m sorry, I lo-“

“Shh-“ Sam stops you. “Tell me later, okay? When you’re home in my arms.”

You tried to tell him that wasn’t going to happen, but you couldn’t anymore. You were slipping away into a peaceful, dark abyss. Sam and Dean would be okay, you knew that. But you also knew your part of their lives was over. They would get stronger, better, and you would always love Sam. That was your last thought before you ceased thinking. You would always love Sam.

Sam held you until your body was cold and stiff. He held you a minute more before Dean made him get up to give you a proper burial. His body was numb, his eyes were numb, his heart was numb. Everytime Sam had opened up, he lost. Every single time. He had hoped you would be different, but you weren’t. He was just no good. Even though he wanted to be perfect for you. He would still remember your smile, your life, the way your hair fell. He would remember your walk, your talk, and he would cherish those always. After all this time, how could he not? After all this time, he would love you for the things he found irresistible and all the things he found annoying. Like you singing in the shower to Lion King soundtracks at the top of your lungs at 4 am on that hunt by the Denver River. But even still he would never not care. After all this time.