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lextenou · 7 years

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The Gayest Bunch of Songs I Ever Did Hear

AKA The Songs That Helped Lead to My Sexual Awakening.

I love music. I love having something playing in the background. I apparently know a lot of songs, if my record at pub quiz is any indication. In this spirit, I’ve curated this list of songs that mean something to me as part of my journey from child to adult.

Many a year ago, as but a spritely lad, I saw a movie. ‘Twas a rather pedestrian movie, all told, but well casted and well framed teen movie. What really threw it over the top was the blatantly “fuck you, I am in charge of me” feminist slant that the movie took. A baby Yeardley Smith was in it - notable as this was released three years before she would take on her lifetime role of Lisa Simpson.

She was not what caught my eye and my burgeoning interest. No, that honor was reserved for the lead and namesake of the movie, Helen Slater. In her role as the confused and desperate teenager Billie Jean, Slater managed to create in me a respect for the autonomy of self, and a lifelong deep seated weakness for blondes with short hair.

All told, The Legend of Billie Jean occupies a special place. Ostensibly inoffensive, it has as its crux the story of a girl who deals with unceasing, unrelenting soul crushing beatdowns of spirit. But then! In taking up protection for her brother, she finds in herself the will to stand up, fight, and demand what’s fair. Indeed, the mantra of “Fair is fair” rings throughout the movie, and the slimy douchebaggery of a crotch grabbing ass spelunking ephebophile attempting to convince her to accept payment in the form of his dick throws her past the breaking point.

At which point there’s kidnapping and running from the law.

The main song, and indeed, the theme of the movie is Pat Benatar’s “Invincible”. The video includes the standard clips from the movie, including scenes of Slater both before and after she cuts off her hair. Also, no, she and Christian are not actually brother and sister despite playing siblings in the movie.

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I went through a lot of changes in 1999. Not the least of which was mourning the passing of the Prince song “1999″, I also had a magnificent few months in San Francisco, where I first listened to The Butches. Comprised of Kaia Wilson, Alison Martlew and Melissa York, they were iconic and pioneering. Every bit as much as Wilson’s first major band, Team Dresch, The Butchies managed to find an accessible and aggressive sound rooted firmly in dyke loving.

Seeing them at San Francisco Pride remains a highlight of my life.

While “Send Me You” is their most perfect song, “Sex (I’m a Lesbian)” was the first track from them that I ever ran across while silently tapping at my keyboard after everyone else had gone to bed. It’s frenetic energy rises and ebbs, bringing the listener to an abrupt crescendo that leaves you gasping.

Much like an orgasm.

Listening to The Butchies reminds me of a very simple adage: fuck ‘em. I owe no one an explanation for who I am.

If you ever look them up, they are also quite attractive. I highly recommend it.

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The late 90′s had rather a zeitgeist of queer culture coming to the public. Peter Jackson’s Heavenly Creatures burst on the scene, leaving everyone stunned that such a horrific murder could be made into such a beautiful movie. Lillith Faire was touring - and releasing compilation albums.

I had the chance to snag one of those compilation samplers. Lillith Fair 1998 New Music Sampler had as track three “Everything for Free” from K’s Choice.

From the moment I first heard Sarah Betten’s voice, I was captivated. Fronting the band along with her brother Gert, The band took a break a year after Sarah came out in 2002. They have formed and re-formed in the years since, and her solo work was able to be heard in numerous places, including on queer shows. K’s Choice did also perform “Virgin State of Mind” on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

It is difficult to say which era of the band, or which of her solo songs is my favorite. At different times, each one has spoken to me in different ways. “Stay” is a beautifully sweet and romantic mid tempo ballad. “Come Over Here” with its driving bass and drum simplicity gets stuck in the head incessantly. “Killing Dragons” has some of the best harmonies I’ve ever heard. “Hide” gets me through some incredibly dark times.

watch me, I’m coming closer

I am the mood you’re in tonight...

The first song I heard, however, remains near the top of the list. It’s story is not initially complex until it becomes clear that the narrator may or may not require institutionalization. It may just be a gay kid, locked up because their parents don’t want to deal with learning who their child is. It may be someone who’s had a break from reality. Realizing that the narrator is unreliable throws the entire song off kilter and completely transforms it from a straightforward tale to layered and mysterious.

To bring it full circle, K’s Choice did do a song based on Heavenly Creatures. It’s called “Winners”.

we will be winners, our heads glued together

and all is indefinite in you

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In 1992, Nakayoshi magazine printed the first act of Bishoujo Senshi SailorMoon, finishing in 1996. In August of 1993, Bishoujo Senshi SailorMoon Musical Gaidan Dark Kingdom Fukkatsu Hen was staged. For the next thirteen years, the musicals, or Myu as they are colloquially known, were staged.

The Myu is notable for multiple reasons, not the least of which is that the original cast can be seen on an inside jacket of one of the issues of the original manga. They are canonical every bit as much as the anime is - though the Myu actually took Naoko Takeuchi’s direction. In the third story arc, the Infinity/Mugen/S arc, there are a couple new characters introduced.

SailorUranus and SailorNeptune.

They are always presented as a loving lesbian couple, so much so that directors have told the actresses to “Act like you’re married. You are a married couple.” In the Myu, this is seen much more than in other versions. The longest running actresses to play Uranus and Neptune were Nao Takagi and Asami Yuuhka. The two were fan favorites as well, leading to their roles being prominent in multiple musicals. The characters were also given multiple duets or group songs, all of which embraced fully their rampant lesbianism. Of these, the song that blew up the Myu fandom was “Destined Couple”.

A duet between Uranus and Neptune, it takes place as the closing of a fight between the senshi. They are admonishing SailorMoon that sacrifices must be made. The song is a powerful ballad that illustrates the love the two share, and their devotion to their mission of protection.

Seeing these two for the first time, learning about the musicals and how downright blatant their representation is to this day...

It made me realize that I wasn’t alone. There were people who did feel the way I did, who did think similarly to how I did. It was possible to not be living according to the restrictive gendered norms that I grew up with. I could live as myself, be comfortable with myself, without apology.

Through SailorMoon and Myu fandom, I’ve met and made friends with more people than I ever would have imagined. The first time my wife came over to netflix and chill, the first thing she noticed was a Myu poster. I almost messed it up by correcting her that they’re not “scouts”. Everything went better than expected.

I still have my Myu dvds. It’s almost time for a rewatch. I’m going to have a couple friends over and introduce them to Hikari Ono, the Lesbian Vampire Ninja Pirate.

But first, the lesbian soldier love song. This version is a fanvid with Nao and Yuhka singing, but the video is of the current reboot, with Shuu and Sayaka. I chose this one because its subtitled. At the end, it switches to include Nao and Yuhka.

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I came out when I was a teenager. It was a difficult decision. I didn’t honestly know how my mother would take it. I knew she’d had close gay friends before, but I’m her kid. Would she kick me out? Would she stop loving me? Would she be able to accept me for who I am? I went to a record store and bought Melissa Etheridge’s “Yes I Am”. I put it on to play and sat my mother down. I told her. She was quiet for a while, then told me that she loved me and while it might take her a little bit to adjust, it was okay. Everything was okay. She hugged me as I cried in relief. I told her that I’d been worried. It was a catharsis I didn’t realize I needed. I’m significantly older now, and have been able to be there for my mother over the years. I am proud to call myself her kid, and she is proud to have me as her oldest. She loves and accepts me as I am. She told me more about her gay best friend in high school, who died of AIDS in the 80′s. I had always wondered why she’d gone to California when I was little, and why Dad was so upset about it. When my sisters told Dad that I was out and proud and married to a woman, he put down his dinner fork and stared for a while. When I met up with him a few years later, he’d adjusted and was able to tell me he was happy for me and still loved me.

I’ve never been shy about who I am. I’ve yelled at more than one person telling me I’m using the wrong bathroom. I surround myself now with good people, who love and respect me. I’m apparently able to make friends easily when we’re in bars and clubs, to my wife’s amusement. I don’t go to gay spaces much anymore. I spent my last birthday in our local Irish pub and made friends with a beer rep who is from the town that makes my all time favorite beer. I have no idea how many beers she bought me. It was magical.

When I came out to my mother, I would have never imagined that my life now could possibly be the way it is. It is due to her strength and character that I am who I am and that I can stand up and be proud of who I am.

In that spirit, I am including here “Mama, I’m Strange”. From Melissa Etheridge’s “Breakdown” album, this song resonates strongly with me. I find the message a powerful one, and the upbeat nature of the song lets me sink into the song without further thought. The first time I heard it, I sat stunned and remembered coming out to my mother.