#bad writting cuz english is not my first language and my keyboards keeps trying to autocorrect to portuguese words

[notreallyagoddess]

Sometimes I wonder what it means to be a lesbian or generally any mono sexuality. Like I have in times before used both pan and poly in different moments, and nowadays I use sapphic or lesbian in general.

But it feels hypocrital of me, cuz given my understanding that gender is quite the Chaotic things, what does it mean to be attracted to woman and nb people? Even more when Im a aroace, Im not romantically nor sexually attracted to people (normally) and it is much more that I define my sexuality on who I can be intimate (emotionally and physically as in cuddle etc, since... Autism makes it hard to deal with people Im not specially close being in physical) but Im not sure.

Like, is it perhaps a internalized homophobia from when I was cis? Is it a fear of men (but I wouldnt make total sense, Im friends and care for guys and in general those I dont feel confortable will not even be in my bubble, but even then I feel confortable less confortable and when it happens of someone coming out as trans I generally am much more confortable. Well at least I know it is about the gender and not sex cuz it would be really shitty), idk.

It kinda infuriates me cuz when I was starting to understand my gender I came to the conclusion that "gender is fake and I choose what makes me more confortable" but what does it mean to others? Like it feels dumb, how the fuck would it work to be attracted to genderfluid people (in this lógic presented previously), if it is such a hard wired concept of "women and nb", isnt it simplist? Treating nb people as a third gender? Like I myself am not simply a "woman" (even if to help cis people i say simply that i am a trans woman), I am nonbinary that just like those terms.

Ugh yeh, that is my rant bye.