#basically Tim and Jason being the murder birbs when Tim isn’t Robin

[jmoriarty-221b]

Ok so I’m reading Titans Tower AUs where Jason goes ‘kill the Replacement’ straight to ‘must protecc the child’ real quick (those are the best) and I just read the part of the dialogue where Tim tells Jason that he’s been cleaning up Gotham ‘the easy way’ in reference to how the Red Hood is a killer

And now I’m thinking of this piece of dialogue in a new light because, what if Tim Meant that literally like “have you ever had to disembowel someone with just a spoon???? No, you use guns to kill people and actual knives to decapitate their heads instead, you noob. Only real killers know how to decapitate someone with a pencil and let me tell you that it’s harder than it seems”

Meanwhile Jason is all offended because did Robin, the one who follows Batman’s no kill rule, just criticize him on how he kills people instead of criticizing him for, you know, actually Killing people???

I can just imagine this conversation is going on in the kitchen of Titans Tower with Tim in his pajamas and Jason in full Red Hood gear in the doorway because this was supposed to be an ambush but now he’s actually kinda offended because of course he could kill someone with a spoon and threatens Tim again only for Tim to flip that Uno Reverse card and literally arm himself with a spoon, brandishing it in front of himself like it’s a knife, and just going like ‘bitch I’m not Robin right now so let’s go, I’ve been a little out of practice and it’s so nice of you to offer to be my next victim’ with a little creepy grin on his face and suddenly Jason feels the embodiment of the meme: *nervous laughter* “what the fuck”

Somehow, Tim manages to pry Hood’s helmet open with the goddamned spoon and hey, Jason should really buy some silverware like that and he’s half tempted to ask Tim where he bought it from, and damn who knew a spoon would be such an effective weapon and oh my god this kid is actually crazy why does he know how to use a spoon as a weapon Jason better not go out via spoon now that’s just embarrassing; at this point there would be no life threatening injuries on either one of them, though Jason did manage to cut the kid’s throat at some point and got a spoon to the shoulder for his troubles but now they’re both tired, the Pit of Green Juice is quiet in the back of Jason’s head and ok, maybe he can, begrudgingly, admit to being impressed at how well Tim can fight with a spoon but it’s mostly just concern as to why he knows how to fight with a spoon and Tim is just like ‘Look Jason, yes I know, don’t look at me like that, just, let’s call it a truce and go patch up because I don’t want to kill you but I will have no problem strangling you with your own intestines if you keep trying to kill me ok? Ok’ and at this point Jason really doesn’t think the kid’s joking all that much so he agrees to the truce between them (let’s face it, having the Big Bad Red Hood get taken out via spoon would just be so embarrassing that Jason wouldn’t find peace even in death)

And it’s not until they’re both patched up that Jason decides it’s safe enough to ask about why Tim said that he’s not Robin right now (there’s no more spoon in Tim’s hands but he’s still on alert because the kid is just insane enough to try and bite him); and Tim’s like “uh, yeah I follow B’s moral code as Robin but I’m not particularly attached to it? Like, it’s not my moral code, whatever that is, and I’m not actually part of the family so just think of me as more of a close coworker? Anyway, I am and will always be a Drake, my family motto is literally ‘May Our Enemies Choke on Their Blood While Our Hands Remain Clean’ so you can get a picture of how I grew up, and to answer your questions, yes I have killed people, no I don’t really regret it, they were really bad people, yes i will throw hands again, no the Bats have no idea, and yes I have had to decapitate someone with just a pencil and disemboweled someone with a spoon, so yes I am actually qualified to complain about how easy you people with guns and knives have it when it comes to killing people because I would’ve loved to have had at least a pocket knife back then, hell I would’ve taken a sharp icicle but no, the only thing available was a pencil so I had to make do, also no, I really don’t want to kill you, I actually like you but please stop coming after me and we can just meet up to kill some of the more evil Rogues sometimes, we can even make it look like an accident”

Jason is just so Shooketh at this point that he will just focus on the last sentence for now because he doesn’t have the brain power to battle through that dump of information right now so he’s like ‘what would you know about setting up accidents Timbit’ cue Tim being like ‘well, it wouldn’t be all that hard to just mislabel a few chemicals in Joker’s newest hideout and have him blow himself up while trying to make a batch of Joker Gas, a sort of poetic justice when you think about it’

Basically, an AU where Tim wasn’t trained by Bruce first so he has a different moral code (whatever it is) and has been in just enough crazy situations to warrant his bizarre skills with a spoon