#basically i realized that i would be the leah or toni in the relationship

[mariejordans]

Do you have any TV show recs with really good romances?

oh boy, do i! one thing about me? i’m gonna watch a show for the romance subplot. but also this is such a broad topic, i’ll try to narrow it down into two categories: show recs with romance as a main plot, or at least a good majority of the plot, and show recs with romantic subplots that aren’t the main focus! so without further ado…

starting with the former:

bridgerton. i know there’s a lot of mixed feelings about this show, a lot of them are definitely valid, and while the first season romance is kinda meh (and questionable), the second season makes up for it completely imo. i was obsessed with kanthony for a good few months after s2 came out, just because the chemistry between the actors was just so potent and explosive. it’s a true enemies to lovers trope if i’ve ever seen one and it’s just so well done imo

one tree hill. early 00s cheesy teen dramas are kind of my kryptonite and oth is probably the king teen drama of all imo. i wouldn’t say the romance is the main plot of most of the show (and not a lot of the romance is great 😭), but it is a major plot point of a lot of the seasons. i’m recommending this for one reason and one reason only: nathan and haley. it’s a classic popular guy x nerd girl and they get together after she starts tutoring him in secret and i just love what their relationship turned out to be. haley is a badass and i Love her and naley basically raised me, so that’s why it’s here :)

doom at your service. honestly, i could recommend quite a few kdramas, bc a lot of them do have what i consider “true” romantic main plots, but i thought i would narrow it down to one. it’s about this young woman who has an extremely shitty day and wishes on a shooting star for the world to end, not knowing that the spirit of Doom himself is actually listening. idk how else to describe this show honestly, the main couple between the young woman and Doom is just soooo so so so good, it’s so sweet and very romantic, i just really can’t recommend it enough.

as i was starting this list, i realized i didn’t have very many true romance shows so let’s move onto the next category, which are the romantic subplots 😭

marvel’s runaways. i think i would maybe recommend this show before everything else just because it has a lot of similarities to gen v and the romantic subplots are *chef’s kiss*. i LOVED karolina and nico, one of my favorite wlw ships, and i also really loved gert and chase as well. it did, unfortunately, get cancelled pretty early but still well worth the watch imo.

agents of shield. another marvel show, honestly one of their most underrated shows. i’ve never really been super interested in the mcu, but i loved some of the older, adjacent tv shows (aos, runaways, CLOAK & DAGGER.) my favorite romantic subplot in this show is fitzsimmons, one of my FAVORITE friends to lovers ships, i think the way they were developed was so perfect, had just the right amount of pining, angst, and slowburn. i also love mackelena and may and coulson!

the wilds. okay, so i have a complicated relationship with this tv show, but just know that s1 is AMAZING. shelby and toni are another one of my fave wlw ships and don’t even get me started on leah and fatin…they weren’t a crackship, it was real to ME. i don’t wanna talk about s2, but s1 is definitely worth the watch.

anne with an e. gilbert and anne. that’s all i have to say. if you liked the rivals to lovers aspect in limoreau, you’ll love shirbert. also, it’s just a very cozy and comforting watch.

the good place. this show had me fucked up but in a good way. the romance between eleanor and chidi isn’t the main focus, but i think it adds so much to the characters development and to the plot of the show. even the crackships are good, tahani and eleanor had great chemistry, and jason and janet were just hilarious.

alchemy of souls. another kdrama and i want to preface this by saying kdramas, especially costume dramas like this one, can be super hard to get into. they’re very long (episodes can go up to an hour and a half) and often veeeery slow, but it’s TOTALLY worth it in my opinion because this show has one of my favorite romances EVER. that first season ending? oh it’s so good. i binged this in like a week and i couldn’t watch anything for a while after because i couldn’t stop thinking about it.

mozart in the jungle. probably the most obscure show on this list, and FARRRR under appreciated. as a classical musician who is currently studying music in university, this show was right up my alley when it came out. the romance between hailey and rodrigo is slow and a bit subtle at first but they were such a fun and dysfunctional duo that somehow fit together perfectly. they just got each other perfectly, imo. the ending left me heartbroken a bit, but i’ve since come to realize it was the best possible ending they could’ve given us and i’ve made peace.

ALRIGHT THAT’S IT THAT’S THE LIST (pt. 3)

i had fun making this! anon, i hope you find that one of these shows works for you and also that you still think i have great taste after 😭

[paneraboy]

they’re the reason i believe in love

[mediocre-writerr]

all for us [the wilds girls]

the wilds girls x platonic fem reader

requested: I love your imagines a lot, you’re an amazing writer! I had a promt where maybe the reader is the youngest of all the girls and basically the younger sister they all never had and they all care and love for her very much (maybe short flashbacks with moments of her and the girls) and once their quarantine is over they realize she’s missing and it turns out she got internal injury or something else quite angsty and the girls do everything they can for her

*not my gif*

“So tell me about Y/N Y/L/N.” Agent Young says.

“Y/N Y/L/N?” Leah asks and Agent Young nods, “Where do I even begin?” 

You were the youngest of the group. Not too much younger than them, but still younger. And just like regular siblings being the youngest had its perks and downfalls.

For one, you could never go anywhere alone. Even to pee, the girls would not let you out of their sight. 

But, you got away with almost everything. The girls couldn’t stay mad at you for too long, not even Toni could stay mad at you. And she could literally stay mad at anyone until the day she died. 

“I’m taking you and her were close?” Agent Fader asks.

“Yeah, she was close to pretty much everyone. She’s like a little bean we all wanted to protect. You just wanted to squish her cheeks ever time you see her.” 

“Leah? What are you doing up here?” you ask her, plopping down onto the sand further away from everyone. 

She shakes her head staring out at the sun that was just beginning to set, “Just reading the notes he left me...again. I know I’m pathetic.” 

“I wasn’t gonna say that.” you reply and she looks at you wide-eyed.

“You weren’t?” 

You shake your head, smiling at her a little bit, “You were in love. I’ve never been in love before, but when you’re in love you’re in love. And he dumped you which wasn’t cool. I don’t support your relationship with him, but it’s only natural to be heartbroken over it.” 

“You’re wise for your age.” she says, ruffling your hair.

“If I ever meet Jeffery, I’m gonna kick his ass.” you warn her, looking at her dead in the eye.

“You probably can, if I’m being honest.” Leah states and she lets out a small laugh. 

Yes, mission accomplished.

You nod with your fists up, pretending to block, “Hit him with that one, two, punch. Pow. Pow pow pow!” you mimic, punching the air in front of you.

Your fake fighting causes her to laugh a little louder and harder. So you decided to take it up a notch, get her distracted a little more.

You get up from where you were standing. And lift one leg up, like Daniel did in Karate Kid, “Finish him!” you yell, making your voice a little deeper. 

Kicking your feet up in the air, however you don’t stick the landing. You fall onto your back letting out a small groan and the sudden hit. Leah starts laughing uncontrollably, releasing a little snort.

That small snort causes you to start laughing along with her. Jeffery long forgotten. 

“We heard from Leah that Y/N was close with everyone. Is this true?” Fader asks. 

“Oh yeah 100%.” Rachel says with a nod, “It was like having yet another younger sister to take care of. Or well...them taking care of me.” 

“You think you can beat me in a swim race.” Rachel asks, staring at you like you’ve just grown two horns.

You hum in response, “Yep!” 

“Fine you’re on! From this point to those rocks.” she says, pointing at the rock figures in the middle of the ocean.

“Who you got?” Dot asks, Toni.

Toni looks at her with a small smirk on her face, “I’m gonna bet on the underdog this round. I got my Diet Coke on Squirt here!” Toni gestures to you, using your annoying nickname that the girls named you after. 

They gave you the nickname after the turtle from Finding Nemo. You pretended to hate it, but you secretly loved your embarrassing nickname.

“You’re on!” Dot says, shaking her hand.

“On your mark, get set...GO!” Martha yells sitting along next to Marcus.

The two of you take off swimming. You start off a little slow at first trying to maintain your energy, but Rachel was the opposite. She was using everything in her power to get their as fast as she could.

When she finally started slowing down, that’s when you pushed on the gas. Moving your arms and legs in a perfect motion. Slowly, but surely you started passing her just as you made it to the rocks.

“Hell yeah!” Toni yells.

Dot groans before throwing Toni a Diet Coke. 

“How the hell did you do that?” Rachel asks you, out of breath as the two of you sat on the rocks.

“Honestly, no idea.” you say with a laugh and she rolls her eyes.

“Race you back!” she yells, jumping into the ocean.

“Cheater!” you yell before diving in after her. 

Dot was slurping down her milkshake. While the two agents waited for her to stop drinking. 

“Can I have another one of these?” Dot asks and Fader nods with a laugh. 

“Who do you think you wanted to protect most on the island?” Young asks after Dot finishes her ten course meal.

“Y/N, hands down. I think that would be every girls answer.” Dot explains, plopping another fry into her mouth.

All of you girls were relaxing on the beach. After two days of scavenging the jungle for any sorts of food and firewood. This was the first day all of you could just relax.

“I just came up with the best idea!” you exclaim. 

It was just you and Dot. The rest of the girls were scattered all over the beach, doing their own thing.

“What is it?” she asks as your eyes had that mischievous glint to them, “Oh no. I know that look!” 

“We’re already stranded on a deserted island, what if we pretended we were on an episode of Naked and Afraid?!” you say, excitedly.

She releases on of her famous hearty laughs, “You want all of us to strip down naked? You really think the girls would be up for it?” 

You nod your head, multiple times, “I bet at least 6/9 of the girls here have at least imagined one of us naked.” 

Dot raises her eyebrows at you, “Are you one of those 6?” 

“No comment...” you state.

After much convincing, you got the girls to have a pretend episode of Naked and Afraid. Everyone was stripping down of their clothes, looking at each other, trying to stifle a laugh. 

The air was awkward, yet comfortable at the same time. The only awkward part was standing there unsure of what to do next. 

“Y/N, you have a cute butt!” Fatin exclaims, giving you a high five.

Toni sidles up next to her to get a look, “Awe it looks like a little peach.” 

You throw your face in your hands, shaking your head as a chorus full of aw’s fill the air. 

Toni sat there with her arms crossed over her chest, not wanting to talk about anything to these phonies. 

“So we’ve been asking the girls their opinions on everyone else, we’re gonna go one by one on the list and you’ll say one word to describe them.” Fader says and Toni just nods.

“Leah Rilke?” 

“Over-thinker.” Toni replies.

“Rachel Reid?” 

“Driven.” 

“Dot Campbell?” 

“Resourceful.” 

“Shelby Goodkind?” 

There was a moment of silence, trying to find the right words to say, “Complex.” 

“Martha Blackburn?” 

“Sister.” 

“Y/N Y/L/N?” 

Toni laughs to herself softly, “Squirt.” 

You and Toni were out in the shallow waters of the ocean. Dot sent you and Toni on an experiment to see if watch she saw on TV actually works. Where you stand out in the water and catch a fish with your bare hands.

The two of you didn’t quite know the logistics on how it works, but you volunteered anyway. You were standing out, not too far away from the shore just reaching down trying to grab a fish to eat.

Each time you tried you came out short, “You look like an idiot right now.” Toni says, laughing at you flailing your arms in and out of the water.

“Shut up!” you say, splashing her with water. 

“You guys aren’t doing it right?!” Nora yells from the shore, “You need to stay still and patient so the fish will come to you.” 

“We literally picked the worst people for this job.” Shelby says and you and Toni flip her off from where you were standing, “You guys literally can not stay still for the life of you. And don’t even get me started on patience.”

“That’s rude!” you yell at her, “God can hear you! You’re supposed to be nice!” 

“I’m also supposed to be honest!” Shelby shoot back and you mock her actions, before she gives you the bird herself.

“Hey that’s not allowed!” Toni yells at her girlfriend. 

You start laughing with Toni, pushing her slightly. She pushes you back playfully, before it turns in to a full on battle to see who can get the other to fall first. But Toni being Toni decided to just tackle you. 

“Ahhhhhh!” you say letting out a little screen, “Something’s touching me!” 

“Pick it up! It could be a fish!” Toni exclaims.

You pick up the creature and yell a little louder when it bites you, tossing it in the process, “It bit me!!” 

“Y/N, it’s a baby turtle!” Toni exclaims, “You were scared of a baby turtle!” 

“Shut the fuck up.” you joke with her, but give her a serious look. 

Toni picks up the turtle examining the cute little guy. She looks at the turtles face and then back at you doing a double take. 

“It kinda looks like you.” she says, before letting it go back into the ocean.

“Fuck you.” you tease, tackling back into the ocean.

“We really picked the worst people.” Shelby says to Nora.

Both of them shaking their heads in disappointment.

“Thoughts on Y/N Y/L/N?”

“Oh intern for being the baddest bitch out there.” Fatin says with a smile on her face.

“Intern for who?” Fader asks.

“Me of course.” 

Nora and Rachel were currently fighting to the death. Neither you, Leah, or Martha knew what to do.

“Y/N come over here!” Fatin says, gesturing for you to go where she was standing, “Take this bottle of lube!” 

You catch the bottle of the lube she tossed you. And you raised your eyebrow up at her. 

“Just follow my lead.” she brings her toothbrush up to her mouth, “Nora has Rachel pinned on the ground.” she mocks an announcer you would hear on ESPN.

“But Rachel is not giving up too easily folks!” you go along with your guys’ bit, “I don’t know about you Fatin, but I have never seen a girl fight this interesting in my life!” 

“Agreed, usually it’s just a bunch of-HOLY SHIT that was a knee to the tit ladies and gentlemen!” she yells out. 

“Is Rachel out for the count?!” you add on watching the fight unfold in front of you. 

It’s probably not the best time to make jokes, but you all need to let loose once in awhile.

“Wait...she’s getting up!” Fatin yells.

“Oh my gosh she’s not...OUCH! That was knee to the twat!” you yell wincing at the pain that was just brought upon Nora.

“Y/N, how do you feel about this fight?” Fatin asks.

You shake your head, “I don’t know you have two amazing fighters going head to head for the very first time. We have Rachel, olympic diver, very strong and very determined. But then we have the underdog of the hour Nora who is small and scrawny, but she’s packing quite a punch. It could be anyone’s game.” 

“You’re absolutely right Y/N! But Rachel now as Nora pinned to the ground and she can’t seem to get up! This fight might be over everyone!!” 

“Hey there.” Shelby says, sitting down at the metal table. 

“Hello Shelby, can we get you anything?” the two men ask and she just sit back in her seat, shaking her head.

Fader nods, “Well let’s get started, shall we?” 

The three of them have a long conversation before Shelby ultimately decides to stop the interview all together. 

“Wait just one question!” Fader exclaims as Shelby stands up, “How do you feel about Y/N?” 

At the sound of your name Shelby freezes in her spot, “My favorite person on the island.” fear and worry start to fill her body at why the sudden question about you, “Is she okay??” 

You were trekking in the jungle looking for some source of food. All of you ate all the food when the rescue plane was coming, but it’s not coming anytime soon so here you were.

Shelby, Toni, and Martha said they were gonna go out looking, but none of them were to be found. So you decided to go on a little expedition to find them. You heard rustling coming from the tree up ahead, so you decided to follow the noise.

Only to see Toni and Shelby basically naked under a lychee tree, “Oh my god!!!” you yell, covering your eyes with your hand.

“AHHH!” the two girls scream, but you couldn’t see what they were doing.

You turned around facing towards the direction you came from, “Sorry sorry. I was just looking for you guys and food. I uh I didn’t mean to.” you say, shaking your head.

“Jesus Y/N you scared us!” Shelby yells and you can hear rustling. 

Hopefully, they were putting their clothes back on. 

“Damn it I was getting laid!” Toni says jokingly and you could hear a smack hit her arm.

“Leave our daughter alone!” Shelby jokes and you laugh softly.

“Can I turn back around now?” you ask meekly.

“Yes.” the two girls say and you release a sigh and turn around to face the two girls.

You look at their flush faces, “You guys couldn’t have gone a little farther away?” you ask, “Thanks to you I’m more traumatized than I already was.” you joke. 

“Oh c’mon you know you liked it.” Toni nudges your shoulder as the two of you walk back to the camp.

Your face flushes as you put your head in your hands, “Stop corrupting her!” Shelby yells at her. 

“Let me see her!” Shelby yells at the two men.

“We can’t let you do that. You girls aren't allowed to see each other yet. Not for awhile.” Agent Young says.

“Can you at least tell me if she’s okay?” she asks, looking at the two men with her eyebrows raised.

“She’s fine.” 

That didn’t relieve the feeling in Shelby’s chest that something could possibly be wrong. But she couldn’t do anything, even if we tried.

The girls didn’t know how long they were quarantined. It felt like months and it probably was a couple months. They finally let all of the girls hang out together in the small courtyard.

All of them hugging one another, super glad to see each other. Knowing that everyone’s okay. Well...everyone who made it.

“Y/N? Where’s Y/N?” Leah asks, looking at all the other girls.

“She was okay when we left. She should be here.” Dot adds on. 

Shelby face was flushed with worry, “They wouldn’t let me see her when I asked about her. I asked if she was okay, but they said she was fine.” 

Fader was standing there with a guilty look on his face. Toni’s blood was boiling at the look on his face. She runs up to him, pushing him against the wall, holding onto him by the collar. 

“Where the fuck is she?!” she yells.

Which causes Agent Young to burst into the room, “What’s going on here?” 

“Where is Y/N?!” Toni yells again, but at the other man.

Agent Young locks eyes with Fade and he subtly nods, “She’s in the infirmary. Her heart was in bad condition, so she needed open heart surgery. The surgeons are working on her right now.” 

“You told me she was fine when I was being interrogated.” Shelby says in between gritted teeth, “Did you lie?” 

The two men don’t answer. They just stare anywhere, but at the other girls. The silence spoke louder than any words did. Fatin scoffs at the men’s actions.

“That’s why you wanted to know huh?” Leah asks, her imagination running wild, “You wanted to know about her because you were wondering if she was worth saving. Isn’t that right?” 

Neither of the men decided to speak again.

“Let us see her.” Rachel says, staring at them intensely.

“We can’t do that. She’s in surgery right now.” Young says.

Toni pushes Fader up against the wall yet again, “You’re gonna let us see her when she’s out. No excuses. No bullshit. You’re gonna let us see our friend.” Toni threatens.

The girls sat in the waiting room of the infirmary. Leah paced back and forth chewing on her fingernail. Toni was trying to console a worried Shelby. While Dot, Rachel, and Fatin sat in the seats waiting impatiently.

Agent Young filled the girls in on your condition. You had a heart disease before you came onto the island. And your parents gave you a little trip to help because of the depressive state you were in. Little did they know you would be trapped on an island with none of the medication that was needed to help you survive.

All of the rigorous activity brought your heart to a weaker state than ever before. When the girls got saved, you were already experiencing symptoms of heart failure. And you were put under immediate watch when you reached the facility. You were getting better, but then your heart gave out and you needed to get an artery reconstructed.

“We already lost too much.” Fatin whispers in the tense silence of the waiting room. 

“Nora, Martha...” Rachel draws out.

“We can’t lose Y/N.” Toni adds. 

“The girl who loved the most has a heart condition. How ironic is that?” Dot asks.

“I’m scared guys.” Leah whispers.

“She’s strong, she’ll pull through.” Shelby says, trying to boost their hope, but she’s losing faith herself.

After God knows how long the doctor finally came out. All of the girls looking up at her. Tears brimming all of their eyes, scared for the answer they were about to get.

“She’s okay. We managed to repair it without too much trouble. You guys can see her now.” the doctor says and everyone lets out this huge breath.

A smile breaks out on Fatin’s face as tears spill from her face. The six girls walk into your hospital room where you were laying peacefully. Your eyes somewhat open, you had a soft smile on your face as you stared at the girls.

“Hey guys!” you exclaim, as excited as you can.

Dot lets out a small sniffle, “You scared us, asshole!” 

“Why didn’t you tell us about your condition?” Fatin asks, tears still streaming down her face.

You shrug, “We already were going through too much. I didn’t want to worry everyone more or get treated any differently. Rachel, if I told you about my heart would you have raced me?” 

She shakes her head, “No.” 

“Exactly.” 

Rachel, Dot, and Fatin take a seat on the foot of the rock-hard hospital bed. You scooted over so Leah could cuddle in next to you. While Shelby and Toni pulled up a chair right by your side.

Leah rests her head on your shoulder, “We thought we were gonna lose you Squirt.” Toni says, ruffling your hair. 

Shelby was still crying, looking at you full of worry. You look at the blonde beauty who was now bald, but she still looked beautiful.

“Come here.” you whisper to her. You scoot over closer to her Leah, making room for her.

She sits next to you, crying into your chest, “Hey. I’m okay Shelby.” you look at all of the other girls who still had worry on their face, “I’m okay guys. We’re all okay.”

But the girls don’t look convinced.

“Listen to my heart Shelby, it’s still beating. Just focus on that okay?” you tell her and she nods. Even Leah could hear your heart beating from here. 

“You’re really okay?” Shelby asks and you nod.

“I’m okay. I promise.” you say, giving each of the girls a look, They all nod with small smiles, “Now how the hell do we get out of here?” you whisper.

And each of you give each other a small smirk, “Time for the Great Escape.” 

[iamkidfish]

Hey I love love how you write fatin, would you write them but with their usual roles reversed? Like instead of Fatin being scared of being in love and having a relationship it's Leah (because all the Jeff stuff) and Fatin is the one who is sure since the island and the one who chases her when they're back on their normal lives.

this was fun to write a post-island fatin who was self-aware and confident within her feelings for leah!!

Read on ao3

Oddly enough, surviving on a deserted island for nearly two months (58 days to be exact and then another 12 days in the bunker but it’s not like Fatin kept track or anything) tends to give a girl a little clarity.

And the craziest thing happens, somewhere between the first day on the island and hating everything about Leah to when the eight of them are finally released from the bunker, Fatin falls completely and irreversibly in love with Leah. Normally, this would freak her out (not that she has feelings for a girl, no Fatin’s known that fact about herself ever since the summer after 8th grade when she wanted to see what Carly Durowoski’s lip gloss tasted like at orchestra camp—it was raspberry), but there’s something simple about it; Leah is easy to love.

The best part of it all? Leah has feelings for her too.

Nothing else has really happened between them since they both agreed the island wasn’t the most romantic place in the world (Fatin supposes, someone forgot to mention that to Shelby and Toni) except once, when they all got high again and Fatin kissed Leah. It felt uneventful and earth-shattering all at once, no doubt a side effect from how buzzed off of the gummies she was. One minute they’re lying together in the armchair (Leah’s basically sitting on top of her and in the back of her mind, the part that’s not addled by THC, reminds her Leah is as affectionate with Fatin, if not a little more, when she’s sober.) talking about how one of the clouds looks like a science teacher they both had freshman year and then Leah turns her head towards Fatin...and the next moment they’re kissing.

If Fatin thinks about the kiss too hard, the way her lips fit so naturally into Leah’s, how she tasted like sun and salt, the feeling of the rough grains of sand on her own cheek, it still makes her go dizzy. And now, sitting in the back of their Bio class, it’s her favorite daydream. When she turned into someone who moons over the color of a girl’s eyes and doodles her name in hearts in the margins of her notebook, Fatin has no idea, but she actually kind of loves it.

Two tables over, Leah is hunched over, writing in her own notebook, and Fatin watches her for a few seconds. Not in a “i-watch-you-when-you-sleep” or “run-a-privatized-and-highly-illegal-experiment-where-all-you-do-is-spy-on-minors” creepy way but in a casual “I’m-so-in-love-with-my-best-friend” way. It’s fine, she’s fine. Fatin is totally not losing her cool in the middle of class. (Except her lab partner has to ask her four times for the answers of the lab they’re doing and it still doesn’t really register in her brain.)

The bell finally rings and the rest of their classmates surge towards the door, but Fatin hangs back, lingering a few feet away from Leah, who hasn’t moved from her spot. Fatin is about to clear her throat or something to get her attention when Leah looks up and smiles at her, a soft smile that Fatin has come to know well.

It’s not that she’s nervous (because Fatin Jadmani doesn’t get nervous) but her heart is racing and her palms are kinda sweaty and she feels all jumpy and weird. It’s just Leah, she tells herself, she’s seen you covered in mud, in blood, starving and dehydrated, chill the fuck out. Still, Fatin bounces on the balls of her feet, trying to get rid of her weird energy while she waits for Leah to be done whatever the fuck she’s done.

Fatin has three minutes and nine seconds to get to her next period (AP Lang, which is in the east wing of campus, the furthest possible location from where Fatin is now) when Leah finally stands, putting her notebook and pen in her bag.

“What’s your next class? I could walk you there, if you want,” Fatin says, feeling like one of those dogs that has, like, prescribed anxiety medication.

Leah looks at her apologetically and there’s a sadness in her eyes that makes Fatin’s stomach drop.

“I know we talked about...stuff in the bunker but Fatin—” Leah fidgets, moves her hand up towards her eyebrow but then thinks better of it— “I don’t know if I can do this. It all feels so new, especially after him, and it doesn’t help that we just returned to civilization like a month ago.”

Fatin’s heart, which started in throat, drops a little lower with each word Leah says.

“Like at all? Or is this like a raincheck situation? Because I can wait, however long you need.”

Horrified, Fatin realizes there are a few tears running down her cheeks. Maybe there are a few stray tears on Leah’s, too.

“Oh my God, no I just need time.”

“I can do that.”

Leah presses a kiss to Fatin’s cheek in the exact spot where a tear has tracked itself down her skin. And then she’s out the door before Fatin can say anything else.

She never thought she was a patient person, but for Leah, Fatin can be anything she needs her to be, for however long.

[jimalim]

Leatin Fic Rec Friday! #12

Wow! Can you believe it’s been three months of recs already?! And there’s still so many more to go through! Catch up here!

Oh my god, have we been dating? by CaptainGay

Words: 3,659 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: Mature Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Favorite Tag: Leah might be smart but she’s kind of clueless Summary: fatin assuming they are in a relationship. leah assumes fatin is hooking up with other people, she’s not. so when leah is flirting with someone, fatin gets super jealous and leah doesn’t realize she’s fatin’s girlfriend (original prompt shortened) Leah and Fatin started sleeping together. It only happened after Fatin dragged Leah to parties on the weekends. And it only happened in the back of Fatin’s car. It didn’t mean anything. They just had some friends-with-benefits situation going on. At least, that’s what Leah thought. When a girl approaches Leah one night at a party and they start dancing, it brings up a conversation Leah didn’t know she and Fatin desperately needed to have. Perhaps Fatin did do feelings after all. What I personally love about this fic: OBLIVIOUS LEAH IS SO OBLIVIOUS IT HURTS!! This premise is so damn funny, I’m obsessed! Fatin’s absolute rage melting into confusion is so good!! 

i found love where it wasn’t supposed to be (right in front of me) by deadpoetsam

Words: 1,743 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Favorite Tag: fatin can sense sexual tension from a mile away unless she has feelings for the person Summary: Fatin is scared of her own developing feelings for Leah because she can’t lose their friendship. Meanwhile, Leah is basically screaming “Make a move!” Or, Fatin is blind to all the flirting and Leah is bold as hell. What I personally love about this fic: Bold!Leah is always a fave, but damn is she not bold as hell in this one!! There’s a line she says that legit makes my eyebrows shoot up every time! I love getting to read about Fatin feeling the feelings and seeing her stammer awkwardly in front of Leah is truly the best!

The Only Heaven I’ll Be Sent To (Is When I’m Alone With You) by calamity_queer

Words: 4,089 Chapters: 1/1 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Favorite Tag: it’s angst o'clock Summary: Sure, they had plummeted from the sky onto a deserted island with limited resources and the ever present fear of death, but given all that, the island had its upsides as well. Like the way Leah began to open up with the group, showing off her truly beautiful personality for all its worth, playing around with the girls and holding her own against the best of Toni and Rachel’s joking ribbing. Or the way the light would catch the glimmer in her eyes, those piercing blue eyes, when she threw her head back in a laugh, smiling so wide and so brightly Fatin thought she might go blind. Or the nights where they would cuddle up beside the fire, not out of necessity of warmth with the blaze before them but purely because they enjoyed being wrapped up in the other’s presence. Part of Fatin wanted to go back there, a larger part than she would willingly admit. Because even with the plane crash, limited resources, and threat of death, at least she could be by Leah’s side. or: Fatin will do whatever it takes to get back to Leah in the bunker. What I personally love about this fic: The angst hurts, like a lot. The happy ending is truly a godsend because it really is hard. I really enjoy fics that explore bunker life and give us good introspection, this fic does just that! Very well written! 

everybody sails alone (but we can travel side by side) by JourEtNuit

Words: 20,394 Chapters: 4/4 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Favorite Tag: N/A Summary: Dot is covered in blood. Her hands, up to the elbows, the front of her shirt, her cargo pants. So much blood - it makes the ashen tint of Rachel’s skin even worse somehow, because all that blood should be inside her and not on Dot’s clothes, on her skin, in her hair. She wants to feel sick, like Fatin who threw up earlier when she got a glimpse of Rachel’s mangled wrist, but Dot just doesn’t have time for that. Sure, the wound is ugly, but no more disturbing than a hole in her father’s throat. -Or, how the unsinkable eight handle life on the island in the aftermath of the shark incident. What I personally love about this fic: This is probably my favorite leatin/the wilds fic, from my favorite fandom author. This fic is so so so incredibly well written, I’m legit jealous at how fantastic their writing is. The characterization of each and every one of the girls is so spot on, I legit feel like I’m watching the show. There’s so many great moments, I’m not gonna bother listing cause it would just be me reciting the entire fic. If you only read one fic I’ve ever recced-this should probably be the one.

come home to my heart by scoutshonour

Words: 77,858 Chapters: 7/7 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Favorite Tag: so much swearing I’m sorry Summary: In the months before the crash, through a string of extraordinarily ordinary events - Tuesday morning, first-period Philosophy, and an asshole named Brent - Fatin and Leah become kind of, sort of, almost friends.They still end up hating each other on the island. Though this time, it’s with a few more steps. What I personally love about this fic: THIS FIC IS SO SO SO GOOD! I remember having an absolute blast reading this the first time! I pretty much never read in progress fics cause my memory is shot, but I made an exception for this one and it was truly such a joy to come home each night after a long day at work to see a new update! The flash forwards in this fic are balanced so well with the island stuff and it’s so nice to get a little glimpse into their future! I love the way they built leatin up as a pre-island relationship, any time that dynamic is explored, you know it’s a fun time! There’s angst and fluff and the other girls being fun as hell! Such a great read!

[hadtochangemyurlquick]

it’s work in progress wednesday so here’s a little goodfoe one shot that i can’t decide if i like and is mostly just me exploring leah and shelby’s relationship. also there’s some religion in there that i’m sure i fucked up.

Shelby doesn’t remember the dream, but she wakes to Toni’s arm thrown over her, reaching for Shelby’s phone as she attempts to hit the snooze alarm.

She spends most of the morning feeling queasy, a little nauseous, as Toni spends most of the morning exchanging grunts with her and muddling through coffee. It’s half past nine when Toni is awake enough, presses her arms around Shelby, kisses her neck. Toni’s arms have always, instinctively, made Shelby relax, like her body knows it’s safe.

Her skin feels like its falling off in awful flakes and she can barely breathe when she pushes Toni away.

“Um—”

“Would you give me some space? Jesus Christ, I can’t have a minute to myself?”

“Uh—” Toni reaches out a hand and Shelby finds herself in a corner, rock and a hard place, burning up.

“Don’t touch me!”

Toni flinches, “I just—”

Shelby pushes past her, eight steps to the bathroom in this tiny damned apartment, and upchucks in the toilet.

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”

She is only spitting up bile now, Toni is calling her name. The door is locked.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

She’s trapped, she’s trapped, she’s trapped. She made the wrong choice, everything is falling apart, her skin is flaking off.

"But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.”

Shelby leans against the wall, closes her eyes as she feels her stomach gracefully settle, now empty. The bitter taste along her mouth lingers, and she doesn’t realize she’s praying.

“For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever.” And ever. And ever. And ever.

She is trapped here, and it’s ruined.

The pounding at the door has stopped, Shelby gets to her feet.

Toni almost falls through the door when Shelby opens it, her eyes are wide and red rimmed.

“I’m going out,” Shelby tells her. “Don’t follow me.”

“Shelby wait—”

The apartment is so small Toni doesn’t have time to finish her sentence before Shelby makes a jailbreak, she’s wearing house shoes, and it’s freezing outside but what should she expect it’s Minnesota?

God, what in the world is she doing in a tiny ass town in rural Minnesota?

Her skin is baked, she’s so hot, it’s flaking off, joining that mushy gray slush on the ground that Toni told her will stick around through March.

“Hey girl hey! You’re on speakerphone with Dot in the car, because I am driving because that is all you fuckin do in LA,” Fatin answered on the first ring.

“My skin is flaking off,” Shelby says. And then, to specify, “I can’t breathe and I’m dying and it’s too hot and I think my fingers are turning blue.”

“Hey, breathe with me okay, it’s going to be—”

Shelby hangs up.

The entire world is falling apart, she’s trapped and she’s nothing, and she’s going to die and die alone for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and

“Hey,” Leah picks up on the fifth ring.

“Leah,” Shelby sobs, the name a prayer, a lifeline. “It’s ruined, everything is ruined, I’m trapped and my skin is flaking off and I’m dying and I can’t breathe and—and—and—and—”

Someone sobbing interrupts her and she’s relieved to realize it’s not Leah.

“Are you around anything sharp?” Leah asks.

Shelby blinks, she looks around, “No.”

“What about a body of water?”

“No.”

“Any motor ways?”

“Maybe a five minute walk?”

“Okay, are you sitting?”

Shelby nods, realizes Leah can’t see that, “Yes.”

“You need to stand up,” Shelby stands. “Stand in the opposite direction of the road, and start walking.” Shelby starts walking. “Your skin isn’t falling off, you aren’t dying, you’re breathing, nothing is ruined, you aren’t trapped.”

“My skin isn’t falling off, I’m not dying, I’m breathing, nothing is ruined, I’m not trapped.”

“Stop running,” Leah tells her and Shelby hadn’t realized she had started. “Nothing is chasing you.”

“Nothing is chasing me.”

She doesn’t believe the words but she and Leah have played this game before, the only way to win is by playing the game again, some different day.

“Did I wake you up? The time difference—I always forget.”

“No,” Leah says. “I haven’t slept since I got the restraining order.”

Shelby nods. “I want that man in prison for you, Leah.”

“I know you do.” And every time someone says something like that to her it always sounds like Leah comes a little closer to believing the sentiment herself.

Shelby is still walking, she might walk until her feet hurt, or her bad ankle feels like it wants to fall off.

“Was it a nightmare?” Leah asks.

“You know I still pray,” Shelby says. “I prayed so often for so long it’s like—it’s instinct, it’s like my brain just goes there when I’m struggling like a reflex. Only sometimes I’ll be praying and repeating the words and I don’t even believe them. And I’m just sitting there in my prayer wondering where the hell I go from here. Maybe I do go to hell.”

Leah hums.

“I don’t think I’m okay, Leah,” Shelby confides. “I still felt safer than I ever have on that damn island.”

“I hate my therapist, I hate that it’s working, that I don’t obsess over things in the same way, that I can feel myself changing and I’m afraid of this new person. At least I knew who I was on the island.”

“That’s not who you are,” Shelby argues. “This is who you are. This person, who I’m talking to right now.”

Leah is quiet for a long time, she always is. She always plans her words a million years in advance, especially during these calls.

“Do you really feel trapped?”

Shelby wants to cry again, “No.”

“What do you feel?”

“Like I’m on the edge of a cliff and I don’t know which side is solid ground.”

“Was it a nightmare?” Leah asks again, because neither let the other get away with anything for very long.

“I think so.”

“You’re not gonna die if you fall off the cliff,” Leah tells her. Shelby swallows hard. “I’m telling the truth.”

“You promise?”

“Train wrecks unite,” Leah tells her. “Now call Toni.”

She hangs up, and Shelby opens her phone to a million missed calls from everyone. She blocks them all and calls Toni.

“Hey,” Her voice is breathless. “Where are you?”

Shelby looks around, “I don’t—” her voice breaks, she tries to muffle a sob, “Toni, I don’t know.”

“That’s okay, hey that’s okay. I’m coming. I’m coming.”

Toni keeps talking to her as Shelby hears her leave the apartment, start the pickup they bought from Martha’s mom for cheap, drive down that old highway with the potholes from the winter the city refuses to acknowledge. There’s some breaking of branches, before Toni is behind her. Toni comes up slow but Shelby falls into her, terrified.

“I’m sorry.”

She’s shaking in Toni’s arms and Toni just tightens up on her,

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done—

“Sometimes I feel like I’m the worst person on the planet,” Shelby whispers, “just for loving you. Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating God, just because I’m happy. Sometimes I feel like there is no God and I’ve been cheated, and whoever I am just crumbles into nothing. I don’t know if I am anyone anymore, I don’t know why you’re with me.”

—on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

“I feel like the whole world is spinning on one axis, and I’m spinning on the other,” Shelby finishes.

Toni finally pulls away, hands still on Shelby’s biceps, Shelby still shaking under them.

“I’m with you because I love you,” Toni says. “What else is there?”

And there’s nothing else, is there?

When it all was stripped away, their hygiene and the fluoride in their water supply, their history and their secrets and their family and their responsibilities to everything but basic survival—all that was left was love. Love for each other, and their lives back home, and for the dead, and the world, and a hundred other things they hadn’t loved since they were little. Like the way the sky looks just before sunset, or the way it smells after it rains, and chocolate chip cookies their mom made for them after they got home from school. Like old people struggling to carry their grocery bags, or the kids with cancer when those ads came on the TV to donate, or the homeless man that always smiled at them.

That was all that was left, that love. And the love for each other.

There is no intrinsic reason why Shelby should love Dot and Fatin, or Rachel or Leah. There is no reason why she should love Nora and Martha. There is no reason why she should love her parents, her siblings. There is no reason why she should love Becca Gilroy.

There is no reason why she should love Toni Shalifoe.

But there is a reason, isn’t there? She loves Toni because she loves her.

Maybe Leah was right, that falling off a cliff won’t kill her. That’s faith isn’t it? Trust, blindly, openly, love because you love.

“I can’t walk home,” Shelby says. “My ankle it—”

“I’ve got you,” Toni says.

She does.

[trhu]

For the Love of an Unworthy White Man

In October 2018, I finally saw Miss Saigon, after deliberately boycotting it for almost thirty years. When it first opened in 1989, between the tired rehashing of Puccini’s Madama Butterfly and the yellowface casting controversy over Jonathan Pryce as the Engineer, there was nothing about this show that appealed to me, especially when I had already seen M. Butterfly, David Henry Hwang’s groundbreaking, Tony-winning play that turned the submissive Asian woman trope on its head. M. Butterfly literally changed my life at a time when I was just learning to navigate being an Asian woman in white America, and everything I read about Miss Saigon seemed to be in direct opposition to the lessons I learned from M. Butterfly: resist stereotypes, claim your heritage proudly, never let a man control the direction of your life. So, despite my love of Broadway musical extravaganzas, and my hunger to see Asian performers onstage, I never went to see this blockbuster hit. Whenever a production of Miss Saigon rolled into the Bay Area, people who knew how I loved theatre would ask if I was going to see it, and I’d have to explain once again why I found the basic premise of the story offensive and refused to support it. I got the distinct impression that a lot of people were internally rolling their eyes at my futile protest, but I didn’t care. It was a matter of principle. Until now. So...what changed my mind? Well, first and foremost, Soft Power. That was the Asian American musical extravaganza I’d been waiting for. David Henry Hwang’s absurdist semi-experimental comedy--about Hillary Clinton’s influence on a Chinese entertainment mogul that cast Asian American actors in whiteface and stands American cultural hegemony on its head--had me laughing and crying like nothing else I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was incredibly uplifting--especially in Trump’s America--to see so many Asian faces on the stage, dancing and singing, poking fun at clueless, self-important, white Americans, subverting stereotypes and challenging expectations. That was in July. Then, I saw Two Mile Hollow by Leah Nanako Winkler at the Ferocious Lotus. And Straight White Men by Young Jean Lee, the first play by an Asian American woman ever produced on Broadway. And then To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before on Netflix. And finally, Crazy Rich Asians on the big screen in August. In one glorious and unprecedented summer, I saw more Asian American representation on stage and screen than I had in my whole previous American life. Because I had always watched Chinese films and television shows, I had thought I was OK on the representation front, but really, it’s a totally different experience. Seeing Asian American representation, finally, fed my soul in a way that I hadn’t realized I needed, like I was starving and didn’t even know it until I feasted on all these wonderful stories about people like me. So when I was offered free tickets to Miss Saigon, I was surprised to not feel the visceral anger that had always bubbled up when this show came to town. I decided to go see it, in order to understand it better, and in the hopes that this new revival would have addressed some of the more problematic parts of the story. Also, the tickets had already been paid for, so why not? I wasn’t supporting the production, they already had the money. To be fair, I didn’t hate it, I just didn’t like it. I did try to look for positives: the set was well designed and efficient; the big helicopter scene was pretty epic, as promised; the whole flashback to the fall of Saigon was powerfully choreographed, and once again, I loved seeing so many Asian faces on stage. The kid who played Tam was adorably cute, too. He melted my grumpy heart a lot, for sure. But that story! It was agonizing to watch it unfold, yet again, knowing that the Asian woman we’d been coerced into sympathizing with was going to negate herself, disappear conveniently, so everyone else would get to have everything they wanted. It’s the lesson this world has been forcing down my throat for my entire life, and I’m tired of puking it back up in their faces. And that doesn’t even begin to address all the other tired old tropes: desperate Asian prostitutes clinging to American johns as their only chance at a better life; smarmy, abusive pimps-of-color who are still, somehow, the most practical and clear-eyed counselor for our heroine; conflicted, guilt-ridden white saviors confronted with the limits of their power and privilege. I’d seen it all before, so many times, and it was exhausting to sit through yet another iteration of this sad, incomplete, stereotypical story. Even worse, sitting there in the audience next to my white American husband, I felt embarrassed. I imagined the other playgoers--mostly older, mostly white--seeing us and thinking, “Oh how nice for them. What a lucky girl that one is, unlike poor Kim, to have won her white knight in the end.” If you think I’m being melodramatic, I assure you, I’m not. I’ve encountered that condescending attitude from way too many people--including members of my own family--for three decades now. Because my husband is a conventionally handsome white man from a wealthy family, a ridiculous lot of people assume that he ‘rescued’ me, or ‘lifted me up,’ or was somehow my ticket to a ‘better’ life by conferring upon me proximal access to his privilege and power. They see his love and commitment as an asset that I’m fortunate to have added to my portfolio, as if our relationship was an investment and I’m getting a higher return than he is. The implication, of course, is that he doesn’t gain as much from being with me as I do from being with him, because I don’t bring anything as systemically powerful as white male privilege and hereditary wealth to the table. Instead, his love for me is viewed as beneficent, charitable, a gift I should be eternally grateful for, and so many people are puzzled that I am not. In short, they think he is better than me, because he is white, he is a man, and he has money. What they don’t see, or acknowledge, or recognize as valuable, is the emotional strength and intellectual clarity that I possess, and the very traits that my husband fell in love with, back when he was a troubled young man. What they cannot grasp--because these stories are rarely told, which is why I’m telling it, now--is that in reality, I rescued him from an empty, directionless life of dead-end work and weekend debauchery, and earning my love is what gives his life meaning. When we met (in 1989, the same year Miss Saigon premiered in the West End, the same year I saw M. Butterfly for the first time), my husband was a twenty-three year old college dropout, working construction, drinking to excess, without a plan for the future or hope for a meaningful life. Sure, he came from a comfortably affluent family, but you’d never have known it from the way that he lived. He had rejected most of the trappings of privilege that he was born into, as well as its conventional, materialistic values, but had not yet formulated a coherent set of values for himself or discovered a purpose in life. He also espoused some really off-putting political views, half-jokingly idolized horrible, evil men like Richard Nixon and Charles Manson, and was prone to loud, obnoxious rants about things he clearly didn’t understand. I found nothing remotely attractive about him in our first few encounters. For his part, he didn’t even notice me for the first eight months we were in each others’ social orbit. It wasn’t until we were thrown together in a booth at La Rondalla that he even remembered me for the first time. But for whatever reason--and in thirty years, l still haven’t gotten a clear answer about his reasons, introspection is not his strong suit--that night he decided that I was what he needed in his life, and he set about wooing me despite my initial rejection of his advances. I did not take his courtship seriously at first. The trajectories of our lives were not in sync, and I had no intention of deviating from my goals. So far as I could tell, he had no goals, and I was reluctant to engage with someone who seemed so lost and unclear on his purpose in life. He was, quite simply, not worthy of my time or attention. Luckily for him, he made his move at a time when I was bored, waiting for my life to start--I was taking a gap year, working as a bike messenger in San Francisco, and had just been accepted to my dream college, with four months to kill before heading off to Berkeley--so I agreed to go out with him, figuring it would be a summer fling that would end when I went to Cal. Much to my surprise and consternation, by the time school started, we were in love. This was not what I’d expected, and I tried, repeatedly, to break up with him during my freshman year, to no avail. Every time I worked up the courage to break his heart, I felt terrible and took him back a few days later. I hadn’t counted on that. I’d never been in love before. One thing I’ve learned over the years...assuming there’s nothing fundamentally repulsive about them, it’s really hard to not love someone back who loves you wholeheartedly, without reservation. Chemistry is a mysterious thing, not always logical or rational, and what happens between two people can be hard to understand from outside the relationship. Even though I loved him, it was not easy to live with him. The trollish, aggro behavior that initially turned me off took a long time to for him to unlearn. He was often blind to his own privilege, and harbored deep insecurities that he refused to address. It took years to convince him to seek help, to confront his demons, to become a better man, and it was exhausting to be the constant voice of reason in the household, holding everything together because he hadn’t figured his shit out, yet. Over many years, he did slowly work through most of his issues, ultimately winning me over with his unwavering commitment and devotion, and most importantly, his willingness to change and grow in order to keep me in his life. After over three decades together, through many turbulent times, we’ve finally arrived at a relatively calm harbor in our relationship. It took a long time--a lot longer than I could have ever imagined when I first agreed to go out with him--but he has become worthy of my love. But this isn’t what most people see when they see us. What they see is a tall, handsome, successful, wealthy white man and the lucky immigrant Chinese girl who had the good fortune to snag him, lifting herself and their children into affluence in one generation. What they refuse to consider is the simple fact that falling in love with me, and working hard to become a man worthy of my love is the best thing my husband has done with his life. What they expect to see is 150 years of western imperialism in China played out in human form. What they don’t see is who we really are. Anyone who actually knows us, who understands the dynamics of our relationship, knows better. While my husband’s status and wealth is infinitely helpful in maintaining our materially comfortable lifestyle, and there is no question that he is a loving husband and father who works hard to provide for us, the entire construct of our lives is built upon my deep reserves of emotional strength, confidence, and resilience. I hold everything together, sometimes through sheer strength of will, fighting his self-destructive neuroses every step of the way. I suspect this is true in a lot of long-lasting relationships, but women are conditioned not to let people know this, lest it makes their man look weak. It’s time for strong women to break the silence, to stop hiding their strength in order to make men look stronger. Not too long ago, someone whom I’ve never met, who doesn’t know us and only knew that his wife was Asian, asked him, “Does your wife even speak English?” When he reported this exchange to me, laughing at the absurdity of other people’s assumptions about us, he was very surprised that I was furious that he thought it was funny. To him, and many other people, the fact that I am highly English proficient should take the sting out of these insulting assumptions about my language abilities. What they don’t understand is that the real assumption, the true insult, is that I am fundamentally less than he is, and there’s nothing fucking funny about that.

[iamkidfish]

On one hand, I think the reason behind Shelby's dissociative episodes is that on the island she could be truly herself. Once they got rescued, she couldn't cope anymore with the conflict between her feelings towards Toni and the pressure that her family put on her shoulders to be the perfect stereotypical Christian girl — whatever it means, ugh. On the other hand, I dread the idea that someone's death could be the actual trigger, as well, since it may remind her of Becca. What do you think?

hmmm well, gretchen really said let me take eight traumatized teenage girls and traumatize them even more, in the name of science. 

joking aside, I think you’re completely right anon. we see proof of that from Toni’s “you’re free here” speech before they kiss for the first time and basically everything from episode 8, when the plane flies over the island. 

Along with her retainer, I think Shelby has a very personal relationship with her hair (i.e. her mental breakdown and cutting it off paired with the scene backstage at the pageant when she’s brushing her hair and finds out that Becca died) so the catalyst for her breakdown, is the thought of leaving the island and returning to her old life. That means her old fears, doubts, religious trauma comes back in full force (also all of her thoughts and guilt about Becca). While everyone else was overjoyed to leave the island, Shelby retreats into herself and does what she does best: run. The control she’s regained on her life from the island shatters when she realizes she’ll soon have to face her controlling, christian father again. 

Now let’s talk about Becca. We can accurately assume Becca died in December for a number of reasons (1. the bowling alley had Christmas decorations 2. Shelby mentions getting her real teeth before the first pageant competition in December, which Shelby wins after hearing the news of Becca’s death.) And I think Becca’s death had more of an impact on Shelby than we realize, I’d argue even more than her father’s homophobia. We know that Shelby at least in directly contributed to Becca’s suicide, something that she feels extremely guilty for.  (we can see this most clearly in her interactions with Toni-pill scene (she doesn’t want her inactions to cause another person to die) and when she references how she’s “hurt people before” in the 1x10 cliff conversation between Toni and Shelby). I think Shelby knows her relationship with Toni mirrors her relationship with Becca, and that’s one the reasons she’s hesitant to pursue it. so she’s constantly reminded about Becca’s death, and how she contributed to it, plus internalized homophobia blah blah. So I don’t necessarily think someone would need to die for her to be reminded of Becca, my understanding of her character is that she already thinks of Becca often. Additionally, we have to think about the months between Becca’s death (December) and the start of the experiment (end of May), what did Shelby do, what about her parents, her father?

But I think it goes deeper than that. Obviously, something must have ticked Shelby off that the island was an experiment of some sort (i’ve heard a lot of people focus on when the guy talks about ‘receiving intel” and she refuses to talk until she talks to Leah. 

So here’s what I think happened: shark attack happens (maybe both Rachel and Nora are taken away. Rachel since she needs medical attention and Nora because Leah is obviously suspicious of her) everyone thinks both Rachel and Nora have died but Leah’s smart this time, she doesn’t talk to the whole group this time, that’s too obvious. so she talks to Shelby. one on one ”trainwrecks unite” kinda thing. she tells her about Nora, the camera she found, how someone must be watching them and at first Shelby might not believe her, but Leah begs Shelby to understand. A little bit, later they’re rescued (maybe someone finds a bag of food again and they all eat, but it’s drugged like the cake) Shelby doesn’t eat and she pretends to be unconscious. She hears whoever rescues them talk and it’s enough to let her know that at least the rescue was planned. It’s looking as if Leah might be right, but she’s still not sure. Cue, post-rescue breakdown and she shaves her head (loss of her identity, she refuses to go back to the person she was before the island), unable to cope with the idea that maybe their plane crash wasn’t an accident. But it’s not until she hears the phrase “receiving intel” that she knows Leah was right the whole time, everything about their experience on the island was premediated and by extension, probably her actions and behaviors in the bunker, as a sort of next phase.