#basically just alot of irl stuff has been happening lately and its kinda stressing me out

[thebleedingeffect]

Link will comfort me in this trying time

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[circleofcatastrophe]

Episode 1- Big Brother Week

Title: I’m probably gonna shit myself so that’s how day 1 is going

Max

Day 1: everyone is saying hi and I have a big ass paper to right that I haven't started that's due tomorrow and I drank a lot of coffee and I don't drink coffee so I'm probably gonna shit myself so that's how day 1 is going

Julia

Should’ve hexed Tim he a cancer . Cancers are tricksters

Vi

I think I understand the challenge now that I was removed. Thanks Tim. ALL MY IOS PEEPS ARE GREAT. Cept I'm pretty sure they're gonna stab me early bc they dislike me :^). That's okay bc I'm only here for the hosts <3 jkjk. I love them. The tribe is fantastic even tho I have no idea who most of these people are. I hope some of the challenge will be familiar or else rip me.

Tim

The cast seems so great and iconic. I really like Sammy and Jacob but I'm sure everyone else already does.

Jacob

first of all i want to die. also sammy won hoh nice idk him all that well so im a little bit nervous. i dont really know whats gonna happen but its whatever wigg!! my strategy is to have an emotional breakdown about my day in public chat so everyone feels bad for me and keeps me safe this round :~)

Tim

Sammy won and woo! I knew he was gonna win but lets see who he snakes with his nominations.

Vi

Sammy who? I didnt realize who was in the tribe. Jkjk. I could carefully less. It’s been a day and so I haven’t gotten close to many people. Hopefully when I finish my irl stuff I can finally focus but if I get voted out (which I hope not) that’ll be fine too. Can’t wait to see how tribal or whatever that is about to happen turns out like

JG

Ugghhh so close to winning HoH oh well, I gave it to Sammy cause we talked alot and it would feel wrong to not give it to him plus I wanted to secure my spot this week and he guaranteed I would not go up, let's hope. Not many other people have talked to me which, is a little unsettling but maybe I am too paranoid.

Chrissa

I am glad sammy won as he promised me safety. not much else has happened but I will update when there is.

Christian

Okay first DR of the season. Nicole's a bitch. I don't think we will ever get along, and neither of us has made the effort to add each other on Skype. Now that we got that out of the way, let's move to things that are actually relevant. I love all the new faces in this cast. I've never seen any of these people before, except Regan and Max. I think I hosted Louise in BB Unititled? Unless there's another Louise in the community, that I don't know of. I've been talking to people one on one, and most of those conversations have been genuine. Yesterday evening I found out Jacob is from WV and we live like 30 minutes away from each other. So that was an instant connection, and we ended up forming an alliance called "West Virginia Legends". Let's hope that actually lasts. I have some faith that it will. When the house call happened I was like "yes let me get on that call". 1. I had the thought of Sammy and his nominations 2. I knew if I got on the call it would give me a chance to talk to people and try to form a bond 3. If I would have won HOH this week I wouldn't have needed to get on lol. Hopefully Sammy keeps his word and doesn't nominate anyone that was on call. When Sammy asked who we wanted nominated I said "well Nicole" but I didn't push for her to be on the block, because that's dumb and from my past experiences in games you never know when someone could already be working together early or late in the game. I just said "do whatever you feel comfortable with".

Arika

dang toot I was nominated

Louise

!!! im not nominated!!! we r living hunny!!! sammy treated ur girl good but aj is nommed fuck!!!!! i love him more than i love my own self he is my dad/son and such a precious human being!!! so im glad i don't have stress for myself but now i have stress for aj everythign is a mess! i hate regan she a ho and everyone else i like me and tim agree that the texture of bread is NASTY so we stan!

Tim

I haven't been nommed thats great! I get to sit back until a possible renom and hope im not renommed.

Tim

If I get renommed I will CRY

Tim

Woo im not nommed so im gonna vote for Louise tbh maybe. Or AJ let me check lol.

Sammy

Hey so this is my first confessional....I’ve been slacking! However I want to make good confessionals for this season so that when I look back at them I can be like “what was I doing”. Anyway, let’s start from the beginning! Okay so when I got casted I noticed a few familiar faces that i was so excited to play with. 1.) AUTUMN!! she is one of my favorite people in this community and I’ve played with her before, I don’t think I could betray her in this game so if at all possible i want to work with her. Then I see Jacob, Dom, and Regan! I’ve been wanting to play a game with these people so I’m glad it finally happened, they are super nice and just have fun personalities. I also saw Tim and Chrissa who I have played games with before, and Tim is so nice but Idk if he’s gonna leak any info of mine or not bc in Lago he leaked my alliance...RIP...but I think he’s a great person so🤷🏻‍♂️ And yeah love Chrissa!! I’m really liking JG so far and I want to work with him so woo.

Sammy

okay also, we had the hex HOH competition which is basically just luck. I was in class for the majority of it and when I got out of class I saw that there were like 6 people left and I was one of them. Then I started talking to people saying, “hey if you don’t hex me I won’t nom you:)” just so I could win the first HOH comp. I did this because I want to build up a good resume early on and i know this wouldn’t make me look like a threat bc it was a luck comp😅. So I won HOH, and decided to nominate two people who I got to know the least(also i told like so many others that i wouldn’t put them up so rip). I put up Arika and Aj and I really like them both it’s just they were the least active. Then we had POV and i fell asleep bc I’m a FLOP and i got a strike for not submitting. Arika pulled herself off(which I’m okay with bc she wasn’t really my target). Aj didn’t even submit which was sad bc their game was on the line:/ i had to renom and i chose Louise bc i have spoke only a few words with her and SHE IS SO NICE! However she was one of the few people who i didn’t promise safety. Again, she isn’t really my target. I was trying to cause the least amount of drama as possible and I think people are content with my choices. Oh and we had a “tribe/house” call but it kinda was a mess. I think everyone was slightly irritated that Regan wouldn’t let anyone else talk (no shade bc Regan is awesome) but yeah we got to know a lot about Regan and her bad driving skills...REGAN DONT RUN ME OVER IN THIS GAME. Anyways start your engines, it’s gonna be a wild ride!

Vi

So I picked uh... wait I forgot... Louise? I only picked him/her Bc it was the only name I could remember out of the two noms. Oops. Sorry. I mean it really doesn’t matter considering neither of the noms really talked. *sigh We shall see tho

Chrissa

I am so glad sammy is hoh especially with the veto i was made to play, idk who is gong but he said vote AJ and AJ hasn't attempted to talk to me so okay!