#basically the anxiety of thinking about it makes her lethargic for ages and it’s really hard for her to get out of

[inz-lokisdottir]

howlite and garnet

To fight? …I’m gonna answer this as what motivates her to fight. Well, I’m not gonna answer.

“I will. Uh….probably…well, when I usually fight I have a goal in mind and very often that goal is to keep someone, or some people safe. My motivation is knowing that if I fight, people are safe. Or they’ve been avenged… depends on the purpose that I’m fighting for.”

“….that’s a um… that’s a really pretty stone, I like the colour! It looks very cool.”

[anerdinallherglory]

Approaching Sun (27)

Author’s Note: I am SO sorry about how long this chapter took to update. Taking on master’s classes on top of work has been a rough transition. The majority of this chapter had been planned and typed a long time ago, but it just took me ages to organize it, detail it, clean it up, and fluff it with a fork. For those of you who have contacted recently, (and I probably have yet to respond) this chapter is for you. Without your encouragement, who knows how much longer this chapter would have taken.

Forgive me. Hope you enjoy.

Pairing: SasuSaku

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26

Chapter 27: Confirmation

Sakura had fully intended on eavesdropping on Sasuke’s conversation with Satou; in fact, it was the only reason that Sakura had allowed the interaction to transpire between her patient and her teammate. After Sasuke had closed the door firmly behind her, Sakura had walked heavily down the hallway so her footsteps could be heard. Her next step was to take the stairs, walk silently up two floors, and listen in by opening the window directly above Satou’s. Sakura had noted that Satou’s patient room window had been cracked open. Surely her ninja skills would be well-adapted to a simple eavesdropping.

But that’s not what happened. Instead, as Sakura walked down the hall, she noted that her breathing was becoming short. Her chest was tightening considerably, a feeling that she dismissed at first to anxiety at the current situation. When she paused to consider it, Sakura tried to swallow past her itchy throat. A terrifying realization came over Sakura has she glanced down at her hands that held the freshly pulverized Ashuwa.

Shit.         

Sakura covered the mortar, sprinted down the remainder of the hallway, and took a right. She held tightly to the Ashuwa despite the situation; she couldn’t afford to sacrifice what they had acquired in her state of panic. Sakura tried her best to remember the hospital’s layout; there was a drug storage room on every level, so thankfully Sakura wouldn’t have to take stairs in her compromised situation. Turning another corner, Sakura was relieved to finally stumble up to the door marked “薬” for medication. Placing the mortar of Ashuwa on the ground, Sakura managed to focus through her shortness of breath and perform the sign of the ram to channel her chakra to her palm. Placing it on the center of the door, Sakura nearly stumbled as the door received her chakra signature and swung open to grant her access to the room.

Sakura’s vision began to blur as she shuffled through the drawers and cabinets. She could barely read the itemized labels of the stored items. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. She felt lethargic and her throat was swelling quickly. She should have taken Mako’s warning more seriously. He had told her of the drug’s disuse in the medical environment due to many allergic reactions to it. This was what she had been testing earlier when she picked a generous pinch of Ashu from the ground and placing it in her mouth; however, her and Mako both had gotten distracted by the issue of Satou.

Sakura cursed at herself for being careless but felt confident in her approach. If only she could find the medicine. She narrowed her focus to the vials on the top shelf and coughed violently as she reached for one. Stumbling into the shelf resulted in several of them busting onto the ground. After locating the blue tagged bottle labeled “adrenaline,” Sakura threw open cabinet after cabinet until she found the drawer of packaged syringes. She was choking now, a fish out of water and she aimed the needle into the top of the bottle; her hands shook as she waisted even more time trying to draw the medicine into the plunger.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sasuke was trying to outwalk Mako, who was smiling kindly and attempting to make small talk as they quickly made their way down the hall from Satou’s room. Sasuke thought if he could just stride quickly enough, Mako might take the hint and part ways with him.

Sasuke frowned at Mako’s prattling of, “I have to admit. I was concerned with the whole genjutsu approach, but I think that it might be pretty effective. That was brilliant!”

Sasuke stopped his break-neck pace and narrowed his eyes at the medic, scrutinizing him carefully. “What do you want?”

“What do you mean?” asked Mako innocently, crossing his arms behind him.

Sasuke debated Mako for a second. Here was a skilled shinobi of medicine, an assistant to his friend, and Sakura addressed him casually. This trip was the first occasion that Sasuke had ever met him, yet Mako recognized Sasuke’s attempt at genjutsu before he had even performed it. Perhaps he was knowledgeable of the sharingan; many people were. It was Sasuke’s past of constantly being targeted that had the Uchiha wary. Was this the reason Sasuke was inclined to distrust him, or was it the fact that Sakura was involved?

Sasuke clarified. “I want to know who you are and what you want.”

Mako laughed and smiled nicely. “Well, I am a medic ninja here at the Suna hospital. I have been appointed to assist Sakura-san during her stay with us. Kankuro was pretty adamant about it.”

“Hn.” Sasuke responded before walking forward again. Mako sped to catch up.

“Honestly,” he continued, “Sunagakure owes a lot to Sakura-san. You have probably heard this before, but we have advanced due to her and the Leaf’s medical supervision and instruction. We are something in her debt.”

Sasuke didn’t respond. Perhaps that was all there was to it. Sasuke supposed it made sense that Gaara and Kankuro would assign the most ambitious learner and fellow medicinal expert as Sakura’s assistant. Sunagakure wanted to take advantage of every lesson and tip available. Sakura’s discipline and dedication to the medical practice made her share a common interest with the professionals here. Not everyone always had some double meaning to their actions like most ninja in the shinobi world.

As Sasuke and Mako rounded the corner to the left, they paused as several people ran past them in the opposite direction, back toward the center of the third floor. One man who bumped into Mako’s shoulder turned to look at him in recognition, jogging backwards. “Code 10. Haruno-san.”

“Shit!” Mako cursed, chasing after the man who spoke. Sasuke didn’t know what “Code 10” meant, but to see a panicked response in connection to the name “Haruno” had Sasuke quickly following.

“What is it?” he demanded, matching Mako’s stride this time.  

“Anaphylaxis” Mako said breathlessly as they rounded the final corner and nearly collided with several attendants outside a small room in the hallway. Someone was kneeling just outside the door and Sasuke couldn’t make out the questions they were asking before until he began to make his way through with Mako right on his heels.

When he came in line with the entrance, Sasuke froze. Sakura was on her back, broken glass surrounding her on a messy floor. A medic was kneeling down beside her and removing a syringe from her hand. “We need to get her into one of the rooms. Now.” Sasuke’s heart was racing as someone wheeled a gurney past him. Mako began pulling him away from the entrance to which Sasuke almost shrugged off.

Sakura’s pink head was closest to the door so Sasuke couldn’t get a good look at her face until they began lifting her onto the gurney and wheeled her past him. To Sasuke’s great relief, his medic friend was fully alert despite the hives across her face and swelling lips. When making eye contact with him, she raised her hand and waved awkwardly.

“Hey.” She said past swollen lips.

“Hey?!” Sasuke responded, irritation quickly replacing his concern. Was she serious?! Mako let out a surprised laugh at her casual greeting. Sasuke ignored him completely and began tailing the gurney as it rolled away with her.

“What the hell happened?” he asked her with pointed annoyance. After failing to mumble past her tomato mouth, Sasuke shook his head. “Nevermind.”

“I’ll explain,” Mako said from the other side of the swiveling table. Sasuke spent the next several minutes listening to Mako explain a basic understanding of anaphylaxis and staring disbelievingly at Sakura as they unloaded her onto a bed. They began to hook her up to an IV and other machinery that would monitor her pulse and blood pressure.

Mako continued his explanation, “Antihistamines are what comes next. Luckily, she responded to the epinephrine and doesn’t need intubation. We’ll have to monitor her for a few hours just to make sure she doesn’t have another episode.”

Sakura was nodding her blistered head in agreement at everything he said. Sasuke just glared at her.

“Why did you eat a plant you knew was toxic?” he asked crossly. She shrugged her shoulders, the only response she could really make at the moment.

“I should have stopped you, Haruno-san.” Mako bowed. “It is all my fault.”

Sakura began shaking her head to dismiss Mako’s apology. Then she began to gesture for Sasuke to come over to her bedside. When he was close enough, Sakura pointed toward his hand.

“What?” he asked, looking down at it. My hand? What about it? He sure wasn’t going to hold her hand if that was what she was implying. Especially not in front of anyone.

A word made it past her lips but Sasuke didn’t understand it. “Hn?”

“Rath,” she repeated, still pointing. “Da ya hath a rath?”

“Oh,” Mako exclaimed. “You were handling the Ashuwa earlier, Sasuke. Do you have a rash on your hand?”

Ah. Sasuke’s hand was partially gloved except for his fingertips, which were unmarred. It had been approximately 30-45 minutes since Sasuke had even touched the plant. Sakura had sampled the herb 10 minutes before that, so it was too early to tell if Sasuke would have a similar reaction. He didn’t have a rash on his fingertips though.

Another physician handed Mako a familiar mortar and removed his disposable gloves after touching it. Mako immediately pinched a piece out of it and offered it to the Uchiha.

Sasuke responded with a glare as Mako continued to hold it out.  “You’re not suggesting I eat that?”

“We need to make sure that you don’t develop a similar reaction, especially if you plan on using the chakra pills that Sakura is making.”

Sakura was mutely nodding in agreement and Sasuke annoyingly spat out toward her, “Why? You want me to end up looking like you?” Her nodding turned to shaking.

She followed with, “He’th ight. Eat wow you ah here.”  Sasuke scoffed and blinked in disbelief at her communication efforts. How was she even talking?!

This was an absolute lunatic idea. She wanted the BOTH of them in hospital beds in this village while Gaara was away handling potential psychos that were after them? It was already a concern that she was incapacitated; Sasuke sure as hell wasn’t going into anaphylaxis too by choice.

“I’ll wait until you’re better,” he answered, shooing Mako’s hand away from his face. As he did so, Sasuke pointed at the door, ordering Mako to just go and check on Satou’s kid. Mako blinked at him in confusion before taking the hint and exiting with that same excuse.

When the silence grew thick between them, Sasuke took a casual stance against the wall next to Sakura’s bedside.

“Ya are wathing time,” Sakura began, looking guilty despite her swollen mouth as she tucked her hands beneath the covers and looked around at nonexistent people in the room; anywhere but at him. She was right. He was wasting time, and Sasuke mentally shook himself as he realized his indifference to that. He was trying to remind himself of his goal but in that moment, Sasuke’s feelings were outweighing that purpose.

He turned his back and peered out the small window at the darkening sky. He glanced back at her briefly before turning back to the window. “Are you okay?”

There wasn’t a reply which had the Uchiha worried and he turned to see her wide-eyed expression at his question. The face Sakura was making looked as if Sasuke had grown two heads. “I mean,” he added quickly, “with a mouth like that, it looks difficult to breath.”

She immediately covered her mouth and frowned at him, obviously embarrassed at his words. “I ah fine!” she shouted in embarrassment into her fingers and turned her head. Sasuke resisted the urge to smirk.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

After the administration of the antihistamine, Sakura didn’t wait long before she began removing her own IV. She felt bad for the time that had been wasted today when she was supposed to be making the food pills. Sakura was just relieved that the Ashu had been tested before she gave Sasuke a drug that could potentially kill him.  

“What are you doing?” Sasuke asked as she removed the monitor and turned off the flatlining machine before anyone came in at the sound. “They said it would be best to stay the night.”

“I’m ah do-ter” she told him. Yes, Sakura would have advised the same thing to her patients, but she was out of danger now and she felt anxious despite her drowsiness. She was troubling Sasuke enough by accompanying him on his mission. She didn’t want to get in his way; she was supposed to be making things easier.

Sasuke scoffed at her dismissive, mumbled declaration as she stood from the bed. She blinked heavily and managed to stand upright. It would still take a little bit of time for her to completely pass out from the side effects, so Sakura figured the time she had left awake could be spent productively.

The medic immediately went over to the cabinets and pulled out disposable gloves and a mask from the drawer. The mask would serve two purposes: 1) protect her from inhaling the Ashuwa as she worked and 2) hide her ridiculous “tomato” mouth as Sasuke referred to it. Ugh. Sakura could die from embarrassment.

“What are you doing now?” Sasuke grumbled irritably, following her as she moved. She immediately headed over to the mortar on the cabinet and pinched some of the yellow herb, skin protected from the substance thanks to the gloves.

“Eat.” She stated plainly. They couldn’t proceed further if Sasuke was likely to have a similar allergic reaction. Sakura would have to scrap their entire progress by disposing of the food pill batch. She would be back to square one and they would have to start all over by finding a new foundational herb with the correct properties to achieve the correct results.

“Forget it,” the Uchiha deadpanned before making to head for the door. Sakura caught hold of his hand, stumbling in the process and taking a hard fall on her knee. She winced visibly. That would bruise later. Sasuke immediately turned and helped her up and Sakura thanked her mask for hiding her blushing cheeks as well.

With the same hand Sasuke had offered, Sakura turned his palm up and placed the Ashuwa in his cupped fingers. “No time.”

Sasuke glared at her for what seemed like several minutes before reluctantly dumping it down his throat. They both knew he had to for his own sake.

Sakura nodded before trashing her gloves and retrieving a new pair. She couldn’t risk leaving traces around the hospital and anyone else coming into contact with the pollen if it was responsible for anaphylaxis. Mako had said that it was such a common reaction that they had stopped using it altogether.

Sakura halted in her steps, considered her plan, and decided to grab the entire box of disposable gloves. She handed Sasuke the mortar.

Sasuke gave her an expression that radiated annoyance but somehow was miraculously completely blank. If she could speak clearly in this moment, Sakura would have asked him how he managed that.

“Fowwo” she murmured through her mask-covered lips, pairing the word with a beckoning wave. “We’ll tesh your weaction why we wait.” She was shuffling out the door before Sasuke had the chance to say anything more.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sasuke trailed his teammate from the room, carrying the mortar of Ashuwa he had ground up earlier that day. This was one of the few times in his life that Sasuke somewhat regretted his decision to refuse the artificial limb that Tsunade had made for he and Naruto. Sakura was walking with one arm against the wall for support and Sasuke’s one and only hand was currently occupied.

It was well after dark now and many of the staff members were busy attending overnight patients, so they weren’t stopped by anyone as Sakura found her way back to the medicine room, which was now cleaned of broken glass and everything back in its space. She reached up and grabbed several bottles of adrenaline and then dug through the drawer for syringes.

“Sakura,” Sasuke began as she dropped some of the things she was holding onto the floor. “You need rest. We can finish this later.”

“We hafe to wait for weaction anyway. Might as well make the pills.”

“I feel fine.” Sasuke reassured her. It was true. Time had passed enough for his fingertips to develop a rash if there was going to be a topical reaction. He had yet to show signs from consumption.

Sakura strode past him again, this time walking backwards to face him. He could make out a smile beneath her mask which somewhat irked the Uchiha. She seemed awfully cheery despite nearly dying from anaphylaxis. Sasuke concluded that it had to be the medicine making her drowsy.

“Turn around before you fall,” he grumbled. She laughed as she began to walk slowly up the stairs. He hurried up behind her and offered her his elbow which she took thankfully despite his huffed “So annoying.” Her laugh was her only response.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sakura was practically nodding off as she watched Sasuke mix and prepare the batch of ingredients for the food pills. She felt relieved at finally seeing headway as Sasuke rolled the batter into 1-inch circular doses according to her instructions and placed them in the hospital’s oven.  Sakura had tried to do so herself, but Sasuke had insisted she sit down to avoid screwing them up and risking their progress. Sakura allowed him to take the reins, praying desperately that the food pills would turn out and serve their purpose after such a hassle.

“Sasuke,” she whispered, immediately touching her lips behind the mask as she noticed the decrease in swelling. The ice Sakura had retrieved from icebox was doing its job.

“Hm?” he answered, trashing the latex glove he used to protect his skin and replacing his own. He turned to her then in the dim light, but Sakura couldn’t make out his expression because the only light in the room was a lamp over the counter workspace behind him. There was a shadow concealing his features and Sakura was too tired to try to make them out.

A lot easier now that her lips were shrinking, Sakura asked, “How are you? Any shortness of breath?”

“I’m fine,” he stated simply.

“Good,” she replied, thanking that ridiculous Uchiha blood of his for not reacting to the Ashuwa like her’s had. How ironic, Sakura thought, that even Sasuke’s genetics seemed to be working for him even in this circumstance. How superior he must feel.

Reclined across the small seating bench in the corner, Sakura placed her chin on her chest and inhaled the gentle night breeze that was coming from the opened window. It seemed to be the first night that the sand wasn’t trying to shatter the glass; to be honest, Sakura was surprised that the hospital windows even opened. Perhaps they were high enough on the fourth story to avoid the sand barrage.

Sasuke came to stand before her and Sakura blinked sleepily up at him in an antihistamine induced haze.

“Sleep,” the Uchiha before her ordered. “I’ll wake you when they’re done.”

Sakura wanted to argue that she could manage to stay awake for another 20 minutes while the chakra pills roasted, but she wasn’t that confident in her ability to do so. At most, she could manage maybe 5 more minutes if she concentrated hard enough. She wanted to ask Sasuke about the conversation he had with Satou.

“Sit with me,” she said, but it sounded more like a question. There was a minute of silence as Sasuke observed her. The bench wasn’t roomy, but Sakura was too drowsy to be apprehensive about their proximity. Sasuke must have not been either, because he sat and exhaled when he did so. Perhaps he was tired too.

. . . . . . . . . . . 

Sasuke tried not to lean away from her as she settled into his side. He cursed her medicated self for such confidence in a small, darkened space. He counted down the time in his head; he would only have to stay seated here for 17 more minutes. For some reason, that time seemed both entirely too long and entirely too short.

“Satou,” Sakura began, reaching up to take off the medical mask on her face. Sasuke tried not to smirk at the lips that were still puckered despite having minimized in size. He blinked past the image to focus on her words.

“Hn,” he responded sourly, thinking of the man whose name had just been dropped between them like a heavy, unwanted stone. Sasuke didn’t particularly feel like talking about that man. He had, had enough of Satou for one day.

“How did it go?” his teammate probed politely despite being nosey.

“Fine,” he replied shortly, not wanting Sakura to find out about too many details. How would she react if she knew he had used his Sharingan on him? Probably not well. Sakura would continue to dig for more specifics if Sasuke didn’t bring an end to the topic promptly. “His son needs to be sent to Konoha.”

Sakura nodded, not seeming too surprised at Sasuke assessment. Perhaps she had been thinking similarly. “Thank you for talking to him.”

It wasn’t much of a talk, but Sasuke wasn’t going to tell her that, so he just responded again with a finalizing “Hn.”

Sasuke couldn’t help but jump when Sakura’s fingers touched his right hand. “Sasuke,” she began, almost in sleepy inquiry as she brushed his palm with her thumb and index. There was hopefulness in her voice and Sasuke cursed her medication again for her damn self-assurance.

“I..” she began, but Sasuke cut her off before she continued. Sasuke was almost absolutely certain that he knew which words would come next.

“Shh,” he replied, leaning comfortably into her side as his answer to her unspoken confession. “Just sleep.”

After a few breaths, and when Sakura’s head nodded onto his shoulder, Sasuke scooped up her hand into his, finding the courage to splay her fingers with his own and fasten them into place. Even when he would let her go in 15 minutes, Sasuke would lock the moment into his heart to last him the rest of his life.  

. . . . . . . . . . . .

When he counted down to the last second in his mind, Sasuke counted a few extra seconds. And then a few more. He thought about letting the doses of chakra pills burn to a crisp in the oven, but he decided against it, reluctantly releasing Sakura’s hand and pulling away from her heavy head.

Making sure that Sakura wouldn’t wake, Sasuke silently rose, turned off the oven and retrieved the pills from inside. He placed them on the counter quietly and turned to lean against the counter. He watched Sakura’s sleeping form for a few minutes, considering if he should wake her as he promised or let her sleep longer. What was the possibility of sitting beside her and stealing a few moments more?

Sasuke knew he was playing a dangerous game. Tomorrow, the Uchiha would test the chakra pill nearby and he and Sakura both were aware of what would happen after that. With the issue of his chakra reserves addressed, he would return to the desert to attempt cross-connecting dimensions again. They both realized Sasuke couldn’t waste any more time.

And with that thought, Sasuke’s stern resolve slipped. He would distance himself later, he thought. He would put the space back between them tomorrow. Tonight, Sasuke wanted to be next to Sakura.

He sat back down beside her and softly took up her hand again.  Just for a little while longer.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Sakura woke in the middle of the night from the pain in her arched neck. She blinked past sleep and realized that she was folded into Sasuke’s side with her knees tucked and Sasuke’s head leaning against hers. Not only that, but Sakura froze as she realized her hand was entwined with Sasuke’s between them. The moment was fragile, and Sakura almost cried of joy and then heartbreak as it shattered when Sasuke responded to her shifting.

The weight of his head on hers lifted and Sakura tried not to grab desperately at him to keep him from moving. Instead, Sakura pivoted her eyes to his as his sleep faded and realization appeared on his face.

Sasuke released her hand and stood hurriedly, saying nothing despite how Sakura’s heart wanted answers. She wanted to know if this moment was genuine or if she had been the one to hold onto him in her sleep. Sakura wanted to believe desperately that Sasuke had allowed himself to be transparent for just a moment and had secretly revealed his true feelings for her by holding her as she slept. Had that been the case? Was she being too optimistic? This wouldn’t be the first time their hands had touched. Had he been supporting her as a friend, or did he feel something more? She had to know.

“Sasuke,” she began, but he cut her off for the second time that night.

“Good. You’re awake. Let’s go.” He declared, hastily placing the finished chakra pills in an open travel container on the counter.  

Sakura stood then, heart racing and adrenaline pumping as she worked up the courage to come up behind him as he worked. She wasn’t going to confess this time. She was going to ask Sasuke if he had been confessing to her while she slept?

“Do you… love me?”

Sakura was almost certain that he stopped breathing altogether as he paused his task. The Uchiha took a minute to compose himself before exhaling. “When are you going to stop that?”

The statement was meant to be cold, but the fact that it came out so desperately low gave Sakura a rare feeling of hope despite the words. “When are you?” she responded calmly in a whisper.

“What?” he asked incredulously, finally turning to her.

She gradually took the last few steps between them and stood carefully in front of him. “When are you going to stop pretending that you have no feelings for me?”

Sakura expected a scoff, a ridicule, but what she got in return was painful fear in Sasuke’s usually expression-less eyes.

It was true, she realized. Sasuke did have feelings for her. There had been so many signs, but Sakura had been unsure about all of them until this very moment. But what had just passed between them was confirmation. Sakura almost lost her breath at the realization.

“You’re mistaken,” finally came the blunt retort, but it was too late.

Sakura was already closing the inches between them. Her fingers were already brushing his cheeks as she brought his face to hers. She hesitated. Just for a second. Just long enough for him to pull away from her. But Sasuke barely took a breath before Sakura touched her lips to his.

[nct-perrie]

The Choice - Part 1 The News

Summary: Perrie gets devastating news about her mother and grandmother. When she goes back to France, Perrie finally has time to think about what she wants in the future. Will it be to leave SM and stay home or will she go back?

Warnings: Mention of family death, mention of domestic and verbal abuse, negative thoughts, insecurities, personality disorder, implied eating disorder, implied depression, and anxiety. 

MCountdown studio, NCT 127 dressing room, March 3rd, 2018, 7:37am

Perrie was sat in the makeup chair, her stylist re-applying eyeliner to her eyes. Perrie figured it wasn’t easy for her stylist considering the fact that her head kept swaying side to side as a result of her tiredness from earlier rehearsals. On her sides, she could hear some laugher from her members and some snoring from others. 

They had to go on stage in about two and half hours but they had just finished pre-rehearsal and after that, exhaustion had hit Perrie at full force. However, she pushed through it in order to re-watch the rehearsal.

While many idols rewatched their performances, Perrie did it almost obsessively. Not because she thought she was good but because she needed to do better. Anytime she watched herself all she could see were her mistakes and where she could do better. To her, her expressions weren’t good enough, her moves weren’t smooth enough, her voice sounded odd, and many other things. All of these things ended up frustrating Perrie to no end. 

Being in NCT was a dream to Perrie, especially in the beginning. But, she didn’t realize just how hard people would come after her in every aspect of her life. Whether it was about her performance or just her regular off stage self. People just found anything to criticize. These thoughts kept her up all night, her mind running non-stop on what she could do to improve. It wasn’t the healthiest, Perrie knew that in the back of her mind, but she didn’t care. 

Even with these feelings, Perrie kept them to herself. She didn’t want to bother the people around her with her insecurities, no matter how bad they got. In her mind, they were her problem and she shouldn’t burden those around her with her problems. This mindset was drilled into her by a young age without her fully realizing it. 

However, despite her thinking this, she tends to forget just how well her members knew her. They knew it wasn’t easy being the only female in a male-dominated group and that people watched her every move just to point something negative out. It was like that with every idol, but seemed to be even worse for her. They also knew that it was affecting her more than she was letting on. She barely slept, had to be reminded to eat and sometimes the members had to watch her eat just to make sure she wasn’t lying and was actually consuming the food. Other times, she would spend hours in the studio, dancing herself ragged until someone - usually Johnny or Yuta - would have to drag her home. 

They would try to talk to her about it, but Perrie would either get very defensive or she would just brush it off and say she was fine. Other times, if they kept pushing, she would get overwhelmed and it would lead to her completely shutting down or going into a full blown panic attack. Therefore, they tried to help her as much as possible without being obvious. 

Now as Perrie was watching the rehearsal for the fourth time - or was it the fifth, Perrie had lost count - she was able to point out another mistake. She didn’t stop watching, until the phone was ripped out of her hands. 

“Yah, what are you doing?” Perrie turned her head around to face the culprit who was none other than Doyoung. 

“Yah? Is that the way to talk to someone who saved you your favorite sandwich?” Doyoung did in fact, in his hands, have a ham and cheese sandwich that he was holding out to her. 

Even with the food in front of her, she held her gaze on him. Her eyes glaring holes into his. Doyoung however, didn’t let up and basically forced the sandwich into her hands. 

“I’m not - “ Perrie started to speaking but Doyoung beat her to it. 

“Not hungry? You haven’t eaten at all today and barely ate anything yesterday.”

Doyoung noticed Perrie was about to interrupt him and quickly start to talk again. 

“You look lethargic okay. You need to eat something and before you say that you shouldn’t eat before going on stage. We still have two hours for it to settle - which it will. So eat.” 

Doyoung wasn’t lying either when he said she looked lethargic. Even with the makeup on, she still looked unnaturally pale, her eye bags still stood out, and she just looked completely exhausted. 

Perrie let out a sigh and glanced down at the food in her hand. Despite wanting to keep insisting she wasn’t hungry, her stomach made it very obvious once it let out a growl loud enough for both of them to hear. This lead to Doyoung raising an eyebrow and motion towards to sandwich. 

Perrie finally relented and started to unwrap the sandwich. She was thinking of eating a few bites and then throwing out the rest but Doyoung had pulled up a chair next to her and sat down, refusing to move until she finished it. 

Honestly speaking, Perrie understood why they did this, but it still pissed her off because it made her feel like a child who couldn’t take care of herself. If she didn’t want to eat the whole thing, she shouldn’t have to. That was what she thought. 

But with him right by her side, she slowly ate the whole thing piece by piece. Once she finished, Doyoung took the wrapped and patted her head. He then left and Perrie let her face drop. Even with that small sandwich, her stomach already started to act weird and she was starting to feel nauseous. Part of her just wanted to throw up because she knew that feeling would go away then but she decided just to sit there and hope that the feeling passes before she has to go on stage. 

It took about an hour of her just sitting there, for her queasiness to go away for the most part. By then, she had about another hour or so before heading to the stage. 

Perrie had moved to one of the couches in the waiting room and was going through her phone, which she had to basically beg Doyoung for it back and the only reason he gave it back was if she promised not to watch the pre-rehearsal again. So instead, she was going through social media. Usually she would play games with Haechan and Jungwoo but right now she just did not feel the need to interact with anyone - even her closest friends. 

While scrolling through her phone, their manager had entered the room with a somber expression on his face. He headed towards Perrie and asked for her to follow him. This was a bit odd because usually he spoke to all the members at once, but it wasn’t a huge difference that had the members noticing something was really wrong.

 Her manager had led her out to a private section in the hallway. She didn’t think much of it at first until she caught the solemn expression on his face. His eyes held a mixture of grief and pity. 

“Perrie, your grandfather called,” Was how he began and Perrie immediately became worried thinking something happened to him. 

“What? Why? Is he okay?”

Her manager just shook his head. 

“Your grandfather is fine, he called me to inform you about your mother and grandmother.” 

There was an instant dread that filled her. She knew her grandmother was battling cancer so her first thought was that something serious had happened. This was correct, but for the wrong reasons. 

Her manager continued. “There was an accident. Your grandmother didn’t make it and your mother,” he had to clear his throat. “your mother is in bad condition at the hospital. From what your grandfather told me, they aren’t sure she is going to last long.” 

Perrie remained silent. In a way, she heard what he said, but she couldn’t process it. It felt like it flowed into one ear than out the other. She could physically see her manager looking at her waiting for her to say something, but she couldn’t formulate an answer. 

Instead of focusing on her emotions, she pushed the more negative ones in the back so that she could at least try and get some words out. 

“Did.. did my grandfather say anything else?” Her words came out monotoned and Perrie felt like she was in a daze. 

Her manager nodded. “He said he’s looking for a ticket back to France for the two of you...” Her manager had stopped talking but Perrie could tell there was something lingering on the tip of his tongue. 

“but?” Perrie questioned. 

“You’re performance is in less than an hour -” 

Her manager kept a firm look on her face in order to catch any changes but there were none. 

“ - There isn’t any time to fix everything. We have to be one stage in about 35 minutes and we cannot change the choreography or give your parts to someone else. At least not without prerecording backup vocals.” 

Perrie knew she should be pissed that they were forcing her to perform but honestly, she didn’t really feel anything at that moment. In the end, all she did was nod. 

“After the performance, we can get you a ride to your grandfather and figure out what your schedule will be afterwards. But, just get through this next half an hour, okay?” 

Again, Perrie just nodded.

Her manager seemed to since she wanted to be alone so he rested a hand on her shoulder and then went to pass. Before he left, Perrie reached out for him. 

“Don’t tell the others. At least not now.”

In all honesty, Perrie knew she should lean on those who would support her. But all she can think about is the pity and the looks she would receive and that was the last thing she wanted to deal with. Getting those looks and words of comfort would make it feel real to Perrie and she didn’t want to feel those things - at least not yet. 

The next 30 minutes, Perrie didn’t even realize they passed. The whole time all she did was stand in the hallways and then the next moment she was being ushered to the stage where she was getting her mic pack put on. The stylist was also going around and touching up everyone’s makeup. 

“Are you okay? Your eyes are a bit red?” Her stylist was the one to bring her attention back to the present. 

Perrie just let out a hum and then turned and looked at the small mirror the stylist was holding up. Her eyes were in fact red and Perrie didn’t realize that this entire time she was holding back tears until she saw them gloss up. 

However, instead of crying, she forced these feelings down and just walked away. It wasn’t a nice thing to do but she wasn’t thinking about that, all she was thinking about was getting through these next few minutes and then going to her grandfather. More than anything, he was the only one Perrie wanted to be around right now. 

After the countdown to the performance ended, Perrie was the first one off the stage. She didn’t stop to talk to the other members like she usually did. All she did was head straight to her manager so that she could get away from this place and go to where she was actually needed. 

The whole time she was on stage, she was wishing she was anywhere else. Even though no one except a few of people knew about what happened, she felt like all the eyes on her were filled with pity. 

Before she could get to her manager a staff member stopped her. If she was thinking straight, she would have realized that he was just stopping her in order to get her mic and mic pack but during that moment all Perrie could see was someone in her way and someone who was stopping her from being where she needed to be. 

Perrie didn’t mean to snap at the person nor did she mean to basically toss the mic headset at the poor guy, but like previously stated, she did not care about any of this and she wasn’t thinking straight. She didn’t even hear Johnny call for her or his apology on her behalf to the staff member. 

Before anyone else could stop her or try and talk to her, she managed to make it away from where the majority of everyone was. She found her manager and instead of him saying anything to her, he just motioned for her to follow him. Perrie realized that the path he was leading her down was to the outside and where all the cars were parked.

On the way down there, when they were finally alone, he had told her that they managed to get a flight booked to France that leaves in about 2 hours. She was going to meet her grandfather at the airport and then they would both leave from there. He made sure to try and keep it as low key as possible to lessen the chance of people spotting them and bombarding them at the airport but they both knew that these precautions will most likely fly out the window once people knew that Perrie was at the airport. 

The next hour to the airport was completely silent. Perrie didn’t do anything except look outside the window. About five minutes into the car ride, her phone started going off and instead of looking at whoever was messaging her, she just shut it off. 

When she got to the airport it was relatively quiet. She was given a cap and a mask but they are not a fool proof plan to prevent people from recognizing her. Eventually one person noticed her, then one turned into two, two into three, and so on. In less than 20 minutes, it was on the internet that she was at the airport. By the time the airport started getting crowded, she managed to find her grandfather which was a good thing because he was the only one who was able to prevent her from saying some rude things to the people around them. 

Time wasn’t something that was apparent to Perrie, everything seemed to have stopped the second she got the message earlier this morning. The next thing she knew was that her grandfather was ushering her into the seat next to him on the plane and he had sat down next to her. 

[letitrainathousandflames]

I don't mean to be invasive - but I just wanted to say I *LOVE* your comic! So so so much because this is how I feel too; and its really relieving to see that I am not alone in this feeling. I was actually wondering if you'd gotten your diagnosis test results back and how you feel about them now? And how difficult was the process of getting a diagnosis if you don't mind me asking? If I am being too forward please dont be afraid to tell me! <3 Well wishes to you!

[warning: this will get long, i’m so sorry...]

Hello! I haven’t yet... I just finished taking the tests yesterday, so it might take a little while for the psychiatrist to “grade” them because there are a LOT of tests.

If I am ADHD, I suspect I am at the innatentive part of the spectrum - which made me a daydreaming, homework-forgetting child but not a loud or disruptive one at school. Being a woman also makes it more difficult to get diagnosed.

But the signs, GOSH the signs. They were everywhere. I was too shy and didn’t talk to anyone - unless to my family and close friends, whom I left exhausted because I talked too much. I kept forgetting my homework. I didn’t write down anything in class bc I was either doodling, daydreaming or sleeping - ADHDers have a different circadian rhythm, so at 7am my brain was still lethargic.

The green coat in the comic? I rescued it from my school’s lost and found box about three times every month bc I kept forgetting it in the classroom. In college, it was my flash drive filled with the entire semester’s assignment. I get lost very easily. I have a cold cup of tea next to me right now - I forgot to drink it while it was hot, about two hours ago.

I could continue listing my many many many symptoms here, but I guess you get the gist of it. Needless to say, I hated school. They wanted me to understand math when all I wanted was to learn topics of my own interests. So I had terrible grades and a confusing paradox: bad grades meant i was dumb. But I was learning basic japanese and two fictional languages and their structures as a hobby. I liked studying how to conjugate verbs in lord of the rings’ elvish for fun. My classmates were struggling with basic english while I was already at intermediate level just because I really wanted to understand the plot of my favorite video games, which were all in english.

I was twelve, juggling four languages in my brain for fun just because words fascinated me, and in spite of that, the adults at my school and the grades on my report said i was dumb. I could already make out song lyrics in english by ear, I had memorized the hiragana alphabet in japanese and I could even hold a small conversation in elvish with a fellow nerd.

But I was dumb to the world, and obviously to myself as well because you internalize that shit when they say it over and over. I perceived my entire worth as my grades, and since they were quite low... yeah.

I’m 30. I only started thinking about the possibility of me not being lazy and having terrible time management skills and just not caring about anything at all around 2-3 years ago, tops. I spent nearly my entire life thinking that I’m just... defective, because everyone else around me seemed to be doing fine.

Still, I consider myself lucky because I live in the age of the internet. I stumbled upon a few posts about dealing with constant disorganization, executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria, etc. and it just blew my mind - “other people are dealing with that? other people are suffering with that? and it has a name?? and this condition can be treated/understood/improved???”

About what led me to finally getting my diagnosis - I have this super cool psychiatrist that was helping me with my anxiety (which, haha, might be a symptom of my untreated adhd), and when I told her about my suspicions she said “hey, I wouldn’t suggest this if you were a kid, or a younger person but since you’re a full grown adult, I can prescribe you some ritalin and you take like, half of the smallest dose, just to try and see if it helps you focus.” And it did. So I was like “oh. oh, I need to look deeper into this.”

Now I’m waiting for the results and... trying not to freak out, haha.

If you can, try to find a good therapist - not only therapy might be highly positive to you as it is to me, but your therapist can also point you to the right direction. They’ll be glad to refer you to a professional that can have you tested for any disorder you might have, and will also help you find ways to cope with your shortcomings (for example, to help me stop procrastinating, my therapist made a deal with me to show her at least one new page of my current project on every session ^^”)

Sorry for this being so messy, half-personal confession, half-advice. I hope I didn’t ramble too much. Good luck, dear! I hope you find your happiness soon! <3

[vaixation]

Why I've been gone for two weeks – Please note that this post is going to contain some serious content. However, this is a really important personal update from me.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: - Animal death - Suicide ideation - Depression/anxiety/dissociation - (Brief mention of abuse/trauma/C-PTSD)

Post under the Read More. - - -

I'm sure there's a lot of people who didn't even notice I haven't been online anywhere for the past two weeks considering I'm a pretty quiet individual and often keep to myself / disappear off the social radar for months at a time. However, there's a pretty specific reason this time why I haven't been around, and it's important to discuss.

At the time I am writing this, it is currently Friday, May 3, 2019. I'm writing this ahead of time because... I cannot sleep and I need to get some of these thoughts off my mind. This week has been the worst week of my entire life, without exaggeration. I'll start from the beginning.

For those that don't know, a tornado came through my area on April 19th. I would like to state right off the bat that I am fine - it missed my house, but only just barely. We can literally see the path / damage of the tornado from our house. Apparently it actually formed RIGHT THERE - the people who live just like three houses up the road from ours said they actually saw the tornado's funnel come down out of the sky. It's wild to think a tornado could come to life that close to our house. We were very fortunate to be okay.

I can't necessarily say the same for others, however. I don't know if anyone got hurt, but I did hear that one person's house was completely flattened. (Apparently there was actually someone inside, but she went down into the basement and was okay. Also concerning her welfare and loss of property - I heard there was a fundraiser that was helping their family out, and they apparently were on the TV at some point too about it all? That's just what I've heard through the grapevine - it's all second hand information so I don't know how much is accurate and I've no way to double-check right now.) (EDIT: I have double-checked for our area now that I have internet again and I can confirm no-one in our area was actually hurt. All the damage is to buildings and property, thankfully.) There's entire areas of trees that have just been wiped out. And I know there was a bus that literally got thrown up by the wind and is now just sticking out of the ground. Last time I saw it, they still haven't fixed that.

Point being, we lost power for a whole day. They managed to fix the power pretty quickly considering the damage, but the internet? At the time of writing this... I still don't have internet. And that's the primary reason I haven't been around. But it gets so much worse from here on out. For me at least.

So, my week was already really stressful for this reason (not to mention MY JOB requires the internet and I have NOT been able to do any of my work; my bosses know my situation but it's still very stressful.) We called our ISP multiple times trying to get it to work - they've sent out two technicians so far and narrowed it down to the modem router. It wasn't hooked up to a surge protector, and the power going out the way it did seems to have zapped the modem router and it no longer works. So we decided to buy a new one, and I swear we went to at least ten to fifteen different stores looking for a new modem router.

The problem is, all the new modem routers in stock are coaxial cable modem routers. Our ISP is only a VDSL / ADSL modem router (requiring a phone line), and we went through several stores looking for a DSL to coax adapter with no such luck. Apparently, an adapter / converter like that doesn't even exist. The closest thing we could find was an ethernet to coax cable, but that's not what we need obviously. Through some other connections we managed to finally just order a DSL modem router via Ebay; it's supposed to get here on Monday of this week, so... we'll see if it does by then, I guess.

(EDIT: It arrived sooner than expected. We’ve been able to get it up and running, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to post this, obviously.)

But, well. That's not really why this has been the worst week of my life. I mean, it doesn't help, but... I can live without the internet for a week or two, you know? I've gone years without it. Whatever.

The thing is...

My cat died.

And this wasn't just some random cat, okay. His name was Chip - or rather, Slavashado. (It's pronounced "sluh-VAAH-shuh-doe") You see, I modeled his name after T. S. Eliot's poem "The Naming of Cats." Within this poem, it states that a cat must have three names. One is a common, everyday, ordinary name. Chip. One is unique to him. Slavashado. And one, only he himself knows. And he took it to his grave.

Chip's been with me basically almost my entire life. He was 21 years old. I'm 26 right now; I'll be 27 in June. So he's literally been in my life since I was 6 years old. He's always been there for me. Always.

So I cannot possibly put into words how heartbroken I am that he's gone.

I love him with all my heart. And I always will. But he's gone now.

I can't even remotely describe how empty I feel. How utterly alone I am. There's a void in my soul that's so deep it feels like it's going to erode me from the inside out.

You know, I've never lost anyone close to me before. It's not that I'm a stranger to death... far from it. I'll get into that later. But... this is the first time I've ever truly lost someone I really, really, truly cared about. I've always thought grief would be a linear thing. I've seen the Kübler-Ross model of grief more times than I can count. "DABDA" for short - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

It's not linear. Not for me. I feel all of these things at the same time somehow. It's not like I felt denial first, then moved onto the angry stage. No. I just feel all of them at the same time. And I'm so overwhelmed. And I'll go from one end of this spectrum to the other end and back again. It's far from linear.

The sad thing is, I feel my grip on this world unraveling each day. My world already ended with Chip... He meant everything to me. I love him more than anything else in this whole world. So... I've admittedly been having some very bad, depressive, suicidal thoughts. I'm not actively going to do something to myself, don't worry. But... I've been thinking lately, you know what? If a car runs over me, I don't care. What if the storms knock a tree over on my house and it flattens me? So what. What if I'm in a car wreck and die? I just... feel so apathetic.

It's like that song. "If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too."

But... I can't join him. Not yet. I still have to live a full life, you know? I can't come to you yet, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I want to, but I can't. Not yet. I have to live a life that would make you proud of me, love.

Maybe we'll meet again in another life. Cats have nine lives after all...

But I've also just felt like I've started to really disconnect from reality, too. The other day someone said something - innocent, really - but the angry part of myself wanted to lash out and destroy and hurt. And the scariest thing was, I almost didn't care. Grief's not an excuse to lose your compassion, but I fear that I'm really losing it. It's hard to feel like anything's real, and somehow everything's all too real at the same time.

His health just... declined so rapidly in the last month. He went from being okay and active and about, to suddenly he can't jump anymore. Suddenly he's very lethargic and having a multitude of issues; he wouldn't be able to stand up without falling over. It got to the point where he wouldn't move around much anymore. I had to take care of him on a daily basis; almost 24/7 I'd watch him to make sure he was okay and wasn't having a hard time pooping/peeing and would wash him because he no longer had the strength to take care of himself or move anywhere or do much of anything.

I had to make a certain mixture of foods the vet prescribed to keep his nutrition levels up and to make it so he wouldn't be constipated, and had to monitor that he was eating / drinking enough. Eventually he stopped eating his food, so I ended up mixing it all in water and making it a liquid paste that he could drink instead, which he would gladly do. There were some glands on his throat that were swollen, so I think it was making it hard for him to eat even with the special food we had.

So... it both was and wasn't sudden. On one hand, it happened so fast? His health just plummeted and spiraled downhill within a few weeks. But on the other hand... he was just doing so badly. We took him to the vets multiple times and, there's really only so much that can be done. He was really old, you know? 21 is a long time for a cat to live. It's longer than most cats. I know he lived a long, good life, knowing he was well loved and cared for. And I truly did everything I could for him. I know I can't blame myself for anything, even though I tried to. I did my best, you know? But nothing lasts forever. All things one day die. It's the law of nature. And I'm no stranger to death. I know all too well this reality.

This isn't something I talk about a lot, but one of my parents was really abusive. She was really abusive to animals too. I've seen death. And horrible, traumatizing things too appalling to get into here. I've known from an early age that all things die. It's one reason I'm not... surprised. In a way, I accept that. I understand. I know.

It's why I'm a little obsessed with "morbid" themes, as others have put it. Death. Bones. Rot. Decay. (Plague flight on Flight Rising, anyone?) None of that is new to me. Finding an intrigue in it is a way of coping with it. Did you know that kids who deal with C-PTSD often recreate their trauma through play? Or fixate / obsess on the trauma somehow? That's why I literally relate so heavily to Henry from Fire Emblem: Awakening. He's the same way. He's seen animal death and cruelty. But he's also un-phased by blood and guts and everything. (He denies his trauma, but denial and even amnesia can be a big, big part of trauma. And the way he talks about his past almost sounds like he's dissociated from those feelings. I relate a lot to that too... I honestly find Henry to be very therapeutic to exploring my own feelings at times.) This is the reason I find horror and creepy content fascinating. And more often than not, it's hard to scare me. Fiction is so much less scary than the real thing.

My point is, I'm very aware of death. I'm aware of that finality. I'm aware of its permanence. Nothing I can do will ever bring my cat back. He's gone. So in a way, I accept that. And in a way, I also can't accept that answer. I miss him. I want him here with me.

In a way I'm kind of thankful that our internet wasn't working. It allowed me to attend to him in his last days without any other distractions. I spent so much time with him. And that gives me so small amount of peace, knowing that.

And I think he knew, the day he died. It was April 28th, somewhere in between 9-10 PM. I can't believe it's only been five days. It feels like an eternity without him here. But, that day, he was suddenly a lot more active than he'd been in months. He was up and walking around and came over to me and crawled up behind where I was sitting and snuggled and cuddled with me. I take comfort in the fact we shared a beautiful moment that day. Just sitting there, petting him, breathing in his wonderful scent and burying my face into his soft, warm fur. The deep purring, the soothing vibrations of his noise. I wish that moment could last a lifetime. I'm so thankful for the time I had with him though. It both feels like it was the right time - that it was meant to be - and at the same time I feel like he's left me far too soon. I miss him. I miss him so, so very much.

At least I got to hold him when he passed. I stroked his fur and cried as the last of his spasms died down. I've always feared I would find him one day and he just wouldn't wake up, so seeing him actually pass... it was scary. But it was good for me too. It brings me some small amount of closure that I could be with him in his final moments. He didn't have to die alone. For that I'm so thankful.

You deserve the best of everything, love. You were my faithful friend and companion for basically my whole life. I'll never, ever forget you.

Where are you now? Are you with the stars? Are you in my dreams? Where-ever you are, I hope you're safe. And happy. And at peace. Because I love you so, so much. And I always will. Now until the end of time, when death claims me too one day.

You know, at the start of the year, on New Year's, somehow... I knew. Somehow I knew this was going to be the year. I don't know why I did, but I just... felt it. And I promised myself, no matter what happens, I am going to make this a good year. And I will. But right now, I'm hurting. I'm hurting really bad.

Nothing lasts forever.

Not even pain. I'll be okay. But right now, I'm not.

"Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever... Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time... That is up to you." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

We buried him amongst some of the trees growing back behind our house. I buried him with some things - that heart pendant I used to slip into my photographs to mark them as "mine," for instance. It was a really important necklace to me. So I thought it was only appropriate that he have it. My heart belongs to him, after all. I buried him with a book that was also really sentimental to me. It's called Consider Love. The last line in the book was "Consider my love for incredible you." I signed it to Chip (Slavashado), from me (my name). I love you, sweetheart. I love you so, so much. Do you know that? I'm sure you did.

And I sang him a song, one last time. I don't know how many of you know this, but... when I was a child, my parents used to sing me a song. It became really sentimental to me because of this - memories of childhood days long past, so I sang it to him too. I modified some of the lyrics though.

"You are my sunshine, My only sunshine, You make me happy When skies are gray... You never know, dear, How much I love you... Please don't take My sunshine away.

The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you In my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, So I hung My head and cried.

You told me once, dear, You truly loved me. And nothing else could Come between. But now you've left me, To fly to heaven, You're amongst The stars and dreams."

I wrote him a letter, drew him a little picture, and wrote down those lyrics for him too. He'll always have it with him. We put him on his bed and put all of that in a box and put that into the ground. We're planning on planting some flowers out there.

Digging a hole is so much harder than I thought it'd be. There's so many rocks and roots and the chunks of dirt can be hard to lift out of the ground. To be honest I wasn't much help though. I basically just cried the entire time. I didn't even know my face could make that shape. I've never seen my own face in such agony before, but looking in the mirror I wouldn't even recognize myself for the sorrow in my features. It's just so foreign. Alien. It's weird to me.

In a way, actually physically burying him gave me closure. In a way it just made it so much worse. I feel all sides of this grief spectrum at the same time. Acceptance. Denial. Those two things are one and the same now.

It's okay to grieve. It's normal. It's natural. But it just hurts so much.

No amount of reading about grief can really... prepare you for it.

I've cried and cried until my head hurts and my face does too. Every time I open the door to my room, it hits me all over again. There's no one here. There's no one waiting for me at home, no small face peeking at me from the top of the stairs. It's so empty here. It's so lonely. It's so unfathomably quiet. And it's just too much.

I've even gone out to visit his grave, came back inside the house, opened the room to my door, and realized - he's not here. And I was literally just at his grave. It's all the small things, you know? I miss him in so many ways, little things I've gotten used to that tell me of his existence, but that presence - it's gone. And when I'm here in this room, it's so crushingly obvious. His aura no longer flows from his position. Where he should be, there's just nothing. He's not here anymore. He never will be here again. I know that. I do. I know he's gone. But it's just... it's so weird.

He's here one day, and gone the next.

"The years now before us, Fearful and unknown. I never imagined I'd face them on my own. May these thousand winters, Swiftly pass I pray. I love you - I miss you - All these miles away..." - Lullaby for a Princess

I thought I'd have more time. I looked at the can of food I had planned to feed him the next day (and I was really excited for him to try this flavor, too) and just lost it. There's not a tomorrow. He's gone.

I found a trace of his fur on a piece of furniture, and I just started crying all over again.

I leafed through some of the few pictures I've taken of him over the years - far, far too few. And I wanted so badly to reach through the screen onto the other side, where he is. Because he's not here anymore. It's just so hard.

I want him to come back to me.

And at the same time, I don't.

It was meant to be. There's no undoing what's done. He's gone. I know that. But it doesn't change my feelings. I miss him. I love him. And I hurt. I need him. What am I going to do without you, love? You were my constant. You were always there for me, every time I've wanted to end my life. Every time I've wanted to give up. You were there. I need you. I need you so much. You've left me too soon. But I wouldn't undo a single moment. I'll cherish each one of them.

"But time is not eternal. Please make the most of your time." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

The fact that it's not eternal is what makes life so precious. Time is what gives each and every moment and second of our lives meaning, because that's time you'll never get back.

It's time like this that I'm also thankful for all the storylines I've grown attached to. Somehow, they're really cathartic to me. And they've all taught me things that have made this easier to deal with than if I didn't have them.

Super Danganronpa 2 with its message that, to give up on life is a blasphemy unto life itself. Don't give up, or you're spitting on the beauty that life is. Even if it's hard. That's all part of what makes life beautiful and worth living.

Or Undertale. That if you could control time, rewind, redo, it'd lose all meaning. Life would be static. Unmoving. And you'd get bored. Very, very bored. You'd lose what makes you... well... you. You lose yourself.

Pandora Hearts, that undoing what's happened - even tragic - would lose the meaning of what's happening. Turning back time doesn't fix things. It destroys what you had. Be thankful for the time you have, however short. Because that's what gives each moment so much meaning.

Majora's Mask, because it teaches me that loss and grief are all a part of life. And you have to learn to move on, and let go. All things come to an end. And that's okay. When one door closes, another opens. Life moves on.

There's... well. A reason why those four storylines are my top favorite storylines. They're therapeutic to me. They help me cope with life in general, and everything I've gone through.

The day before he died, we went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. The fortune cookie literally told me, "Opportunity is knocking on your door - answer it tomorrow."

"May be a reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road" - Katy Perry, "Firework"

You know that song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day? If I'm not mistaken, it was written after the passing of the singer's dad. And the sentiment is something I relate to. Wake me up a few months from now. I just don't want to be here right now. I'm so tired, and so very sad. There's a sorrow deep inside my soul too heavy to bear right now. I just want to sleep. I want it to be over. I don't want to deal with all of this right now. It's so much, and I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know if this factors into denial, but I've been trying to get out of the house more. Staying here just reminds me of what I've lost. I've been taking walks outside. Just anything to get my mind off of Chip. All the scents and sounds. The life that's buzzing around right now - the seasons are beginning to change into summer, and there's so many insects and birds about. Life continues on.

Somehow it's comforting to me. And somehow it's not. The more time I spend out of the house, the more I can't tell what's real anymore. The real world feels like a dream. Fake somehow. And my house just feels like a nightmare. I dread going to sleep every night. What nights haven't been restless have been filled with fear. What if I have a nightmare? What if I have a dream where he's alive? It will just break my heart all over again to wake up in the morning and realize he's not. It hits me every morning even without that, when I wake up. The sadness returns tenfold each day. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Hope seems like a concept far away.

"I'll see you laugh, I'll see you smile, I'll be with you... Just for a while.

But when the morning comes, And the sun begins to rise...

I will lose you.

Because it's just a dream, When I open up my eyes, I will...

Lose you...

I used to believe in forever. But forever's too good to be true. I've hung a wish On every star It hasn't done much good so far.

I can only dream of you, Wherever you are..." - "Wherever You Are", Winnie the Pooh

I know things are going to be okay. But today is not the day.

What's kept me going is busying myself with as much as I can. Thoughts of what I'm going to do each day. I'm taking it one hour at a time at this point. It's all I can do. Just keep going. Just a little farther. The moment I stop to unwind and take a break is when I start to unravel and remember. My thoughts always drift back to the same place somehow. He's gone. What am I supposed to do now?

Perhaps this won't make any sense. And quite honestly I don't care if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, but. Somehow... I felt like Chip has given me one last hope. He left me with something, a feeling. The day after he died, I just... I felt something. Like he was telling me that things were going to be okay, and directed my thoughts to what I should do, now that he's gone.

I want a new kitten.

I'm not replacing Chip. I can never replace him. He's one of a kind, and always will be. But when one door closes, another one opens. I need something to hold. I need something tangible, that's real, to touch, and hug, and cradle, and care for. I need something that needs ME to anchor me to this world, and give me a reason to stay. I need something that can break me out of this cycle of dissociation and ground me. And caring for another life is therapeutic. It makes me feel needed. Like I have a purpose.

Everyone needs to be loved, and to give love.

You know what's wild? The other members of my household unanimously came to the same decision without me even discussing it with them. Somehow, it feels right. I get this weird feeling Chip actually... sort of pushed our thoughts towards this. I don't know why I think that? By all logic that wouldn't be possible but then again, I truly don't think Chip was an ordinary cat at this point. He was so much more.

Do you ever have a dream, and in that dream you just know something? Without knowing why? But you know it for a fact, in that weird dream-sense? For me, that's what it's like. I just know. Even if no-one else believes me on this, I just know.

I'm not great with people. But I love cats. I've always been really good at reading their body language. And I admittedly do like kids. Whenever I go to my family reunions, I always hang out with the kids, not the adults. Their energy is so fun and invigorating. There's so much life in kids, and it makes me just a little happier to spend time with them, even if I hardcore lack social skills. I might not be great around kids, but I really try. I think my cousin’s children like to spend time with me. Their mother keeps telling me so, at least.

Point is, I love that energy. I know a kitten is going to just be energy incarnate. But I think that's what I need in my life. Something to protect and love and spoil. Something to pour all of my affection and effort into. I often feel really restless. Like the life I'm living right now isn't enough. And I'm sure a kitten would more than keep me on my toes and keep me busy. I expect many sleepless nights. I expect to be woken up like 6-7 times per night, even. But you know what? That's okay. I don't mind at all.

I got to play with some of the cats that my relatives have last time I was there and it just reminded me... how long it's been since I've played with a cat like that. My cat was too old to want to play (and I didn't want to cause him issues, he had a heart murmur and so I also didn't want to get him too excited in his old age because oh dear), so I've missed being able to manipulate toys into being a cat's "prey" and lazer pointers and have cats go nuts after it. I've really missed that. So having a kitten that loves to play? Sign me the heck up.

There's a lot of things I wanted to do with my cat, but he was just too old.

You see, I was only 6 when I got my cat. So I was a kid. And I didn't really get to like... spend money on spoiling my cat because at that age it's not like I had money? Once I turned around 20 or so I started really wanting to buy things for my cat, and show him how much I loved him by getting him nice things and toys and a cat tree and all sorts of other things. But he didn't really... like most of what I got him. And it really made me feel frustrated and sad and disappointed because I really wanted to show him how much he meant to me. But at the same time I was afraid of getting him anything because he wouldn't use most of what I'd spent my precious money on. Money doesn't grow on trees.

I understand, he was old by the time I actually had money to do things for him with. But that's all the more reason why a kitten really excites me. That dang lazer pointer I bought? I bet a kitten would love that! (I mean dang I even... bought one that has a USB stick on the end so you can recharge it because I really wanted it to last. Chip was super apathetic to the lazer pointer for the most part.) I wonder if a kitten would like that catnip treat I bought from Jackson Galaxy's shop? (In case you don't know who Jackson Galaxy is, he's a cat behaviorist and honestly knows so much about cats and their behaviors and he very clearly has a passion and great love for feline friends.)

Also that fun little cat tunnel I got my cat. He hated it. I thought he'd really like it because he liked small spaces (I used to have little boxes set up for him because of this) and also he really liked sitting on crinkly / noise-making things like plastic bags and the inside of this tunnel was super crinkly sounding. So I thought it'd be perfect. But he hecking hated that cat tunnel to the point where I almost threw it away because he would avoid it with a passion.

But I bet a kitten would love it. And that cat tree I bought! And I'm gonna get a nice squishy soft bed for him too when I get him since we buried Chip with his bed. And just. Something colorful! And lots of little toys and things! My head fills with so many ideas and plans and things I've got to prepare for for the arrival of a new kitten. I don't have one yet, but I'll get one soon.

It's the only thing right now that fills my heart with hope, and love. I want to take a new life in with me, and care for this new life to the best of my ability, and love him with all my heart. I'm gonna spoil him in toys and fun things and shower him with as much time and affection as I can. I need this. I need something to love and hold and care for. I have some really strong protective instincts, so nurturing something else - it's really therapeutic to me on so many levels.

We're going to get another black cat, just like Chip. I'm not superstitious really, but. You know what I personally think? That black cats bring you GOOD luck instead of bad luck. You're blessed by their presence when they're in your life. It's when they LEAVE you that the bad luck comes rolling in. That's why crossing a black cat's path supposedly causes you bad luck. Because now they're gone.

Plus, cats actually purr at a frequency that's been proven to heal bones and soothe. That's why cats make a really good companion for people dealing with depression, to be honest. And heck knows I have a broken heart that needs mending.

"Everything's gonna be alright, Everything's gonna be okay. It's gonna be a good, good life." - Bebe Rexha, "I'm A Mess"

[ddonggeun]

Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience? 

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have…. 

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip: 

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted 

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry.  she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both 

trouble coping with stress - 

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

[bondsmagii]

Hi! I saw you mention that your an empath before? At least I think it was you? Anyway I'm currently in the middle of developing a book idea and one character is going to be something akin to an empath and I was wondering if you have any tips? It's similar to an empath because I don't particularly want to call them an empath in case I get things wrong but it's really similar to them just a tad different? The character also has a friend who's a medium and I was wondering if you had tips on that?

I have a lot of knowledge on these subjects, from years and years of reading around and personal experience, so I could definitely help with this! it might help if you had any specific questions, but I’ll throw out some general stuff and apologies if it gets too long!

Empaths

empaths are people with the ability to feel the emotions of others as though it were their own. this is different from sympathy, and the way empaths feel it is different from regular human empathy. whereas most humans can see someone going through something or feeling something and be able to place themselves in that person’s shoes and empathise with them, either positively (being happy because they’re happy) or negatively (crying because they’re crying), empaths will literally take on the emotion of that person like it’s their own. this can create a lot of situations:

for the untrained empath, this can made associating with people all but impossible. people give out emotions without thinking and the empath will soak them all up like a sponge. if their friend is going through a tough time but is dealing with it OK for that day, the empath will be exhausted by their underlying stress. if somebody walks past an empath out in public and they’re feeling something strongly, the empath will soak it up. no matter if the emotions are negative or positive, this is psychologically exhausting.

a lot of untrained empaths a reclusive for this reason. they might not go out much because of how exhausting it is, and they might be night owls simply because there are less people. a lot of empaths will suffer from some level of depression or anxiety over this, because it is essentially a constant psychological assault. 

basically trained empaths can shield themselves from the emotions of others and are therefore able to go out and about and not have any adverse effects. a little more training and the empath can allow certain emotions in while blocking others, making them very buoyant and energetic to be around. this kind of empath will likely be an extrovert.

highly trained empaths can control the flow of emotion. they can choose to take away someone’s emotional pain, and they can also push positive emotions towards a person. a less moral empath might use this ability to push negative emotions on others, too. not all empaths are good. the ability to feel empathy on this level doesn’t necessarily mean the person will be nice. some empaths might use it for personal gain.

out of control empaths (empaths who are untrained and overwhelmed) might accidentally become what’s known as a “psychic vampire”, which is a really ridiculous term but apparently no one’s come up with anything better. this is where they suck the energy out of everyone around them, most likely in a frantic attempt to find something positive.

regular people can also be “psychic vampires”, and they are especially dangerous to empaths. I’ve heard of prolonged exposure to these kinds of people resulting in empaths becoming physically ill, they’re so stressed and exhausted.

so what does this empathy thing mean exactly? yeah, they can feel emotions as though they’re their own and throw energy around, but.. is that it? nope!

empaths have very strong psychic abilities. almost all empaths have paranormal experiences throughout their lives and are very sensitive to paranormal energy. a lot of them may be mediums.

empaths are also known to have prophetic abilities, usually through dreams. this might not be anything major, but it would be enough to notice.

empaths Just Know™ things. very often this is just an innate knowledge that appears with no reasonable way for them to know it. it’s probably because of how tuned in they are to the emotions of others. for example, an empath could pass a complete stranger on the street and Just Know they they recently lost their grandmother, or they’re going through a messy divorce, or their nephew was just born.

children and animals love empaths. they will likely be drawn to an empath and innately trust them. it’s not uncommon for “difficult” animals to bond with empaths and be very affectionate towards them. 

people just tell empaths things. it wouldn’t be unusual for an empath to be minding their own business and have a complete stranger suddenly open up to them. this can, of course, be uncomfortable. 

empaths have a very strong intuition. they’ll get feelings and just know if something is a good or bad idea. if an empath gets uncomfortable and says you should leave a place or a situation,  it’s probably best to do so. likewise if they have a bad feeling about someone – they’re probably bad news.

unless you’re very good at deception, you probably can’t lie to an empath. if some small emotion you’re unconscious of doesn’t give you away, their intuition will probably tell them you’re lying.

particularly sensitive empaths can take on physical ailments as well as emotions. they won’t physically manifest the disease or illness themselves, but they will have similar symptoms. for example, if you’ve sprained your ankle, your empath friend will have a sore ankle. if you’re sick, your empath friend will likely feel lethargic and groggy, too.

this is of course just a general overview, but hopefully that gives you some idea of what it means to be an empath!

Mediums

mediums are people with a connection to the spirit world that allows them to reach over and communicate with spirits in their plane of existence. they can rely messages from a spirit to loved ones still in the living world, and they can also help confused spirits move on. some mediums can even allow a spirit to temporarily use their body to speak through, though mediums with this genuine ability are a lot rarer than the movies would have you think, and it takes a lot of training as it’s very dangerous. 

some mediums might communicate through dreams, and then rely the message upon wakening. this would be good for low-energy spirits, as the dream plane is easier to access and communicate through than physically manifesting in the waking world.

some mediums will be able to get a reading when they go to the location of the haunting, and will be able to rely information as they walk around and receive psychic messages from the spirit. the spirit does not have to be visibly present at all for this to work.

some mediums will receive visions telling them the information they need, such as where to look for a restless spirit’s body, or the location of a spirit’s will that hasn’t been found, or something like that.

some mediums might communicate through the use of apparatus, like a Ouija board or automatic writing. 

some mediums will be able to connect to a spirit from anywhere, so for example if you consulted a medium to talk to your dead grandfather, the medium could do it at their house, and reach out to your grandfather despite not being in a physical location that means anything to him.

some general traits and experiences of mediums:

the medium would have had paranormal experiences and received messages past being a toddler. when we’re young it’s very easy for us to receive such messages and a lot of us probably have a creepy family story about how we say great-grandma when we were three, despite her dying years before we were born. if such experiences persist past toddler age, this is not as usual and the person is likely some form of medium.

like empaths, mediums Just Know Things. they’re sensitive to the vibes of an area, and they often know if something happening there before they’re told, particularly if it was nasty.

a lot of mediums would have had imaginary friends who… weren’t as imaginary as their parents would like to believe.

a surprising amount of mediums are afraid of the dark into adulthood. a lot of mediums report “feeling” things in the dark, like energies or presences, that has persisted long past when the normal childhood fear of the dark should have vanished.

frequent dreaming and realistic dreams are common in mediums. their dream recall will often be very good, too.

like empaths, mediums just get animals. there’s a connection there that both medium and animal can enjoy.

electronic devices can go nuts around mediums, especially when they’re stressed or particularly tuned in to the paranormal. automatic sensors won’t work, radios will go to static, lights will flicker or blow out… it can actually get quite inconvenient.

mediums will often feel people who have passed close by for some time after the death. sometimes the spirit will leave naturally, but some mediums might find they have to let granny know it’s time for her to head off now.

as I said before, it wouldn’t be unusual for a medium to also be an empath, but this isn’t a rule. not all empaths are mediums; not all mediums are empaths. it wouldn’t be strange at all for an empath and a medium to be friends, though – they’d made quite the powerful team! hopefully this has helped, or at least narrowed down any further questions you might have :)

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. i lost a lot of time today. really not feelin it. but i’ll write about it.

i woke up on time. i’d been having... bad dreams. yes. definitely bad ones. it took me a moment to remember anything past the extreme unease and the glittering lights. i was on a road trip? not sure. i was in like a casino city. dad was there, but he was also some kind of mob boss businessman? i think he tasked me to try to fill up all the empty stores along the roulette wheel, which was also a street, but also a roller coaster. 

gainesville has a lot of empty shop shells. derelict. like my dreams for the last 25-ish years. 

it’s almost my birthday. i’ll be 25.

i’m thinking about making cupcakes for my birthday. if i can get the cupcake tin before the end of next week.

anyway, the flashing and blinking and twinkling lights in the “city” were super disorienting and giving me a headache. it may have been in the same place that a previous dream i had involving dad was? i saw a few familiar landmarks. but that dream had taken place firmly during the day, and this was at night. 

i eventually left after realizing that i was never going to fill all the shops, i could only try to place businesses in the busiest streets so that they’d get enough income to attract other places to come in and fill the space.

after that i left. i ended up in my high school’s theater auditorium, as happens pretty often. there’s several different versions of it, sometimes mashed up with a warehouse i dream about a lot, sometimes mixed into the independent theater i attended during grade school, especially in the backstage areas. sometimes it’s torn up into a lot of rooms that don’t quite match up with the real thing.

it’s weird. the big prominent back door in the high school theater doesn’t really make it into my dreams.

there’s usually a lot going on in the warehouse theater. this time i knew what they were doing but i still was not able to participate. i’m... not sure how to explain the game, and i’m not sure if it could be considered a game. it’s like a trapeze thing but there’s also a spoken script the players have to follow? conversations with people playing the game while i’m up standing on the ledge looking at them always feel very hollow. maybe it’s not that the conversations are pre-written so much as i’m distracting the players. 

i woke up many times before sunrise again. when i got up i was sluggish and confused. i looked up the clinic’s hours well after 8 but i was out the door around 9 at least. i was stopped by a homeless couple. the guy asking me for money was EXTREMELY QUIET. i could not hear him over every single passing car. i felt really bad asking him to be louder. maybe we could have just moved away from the road but his boyfriend was looking kind of on edge and like they may have been in a hurry. 

i guess i spent the time that i couldn’t hear him thinking over the situation. and i guess even if they weren’t actually going to use my money to buy a bus ticket out of town, at least they’d be doing whatever it was together. 

he looked pretty young to be whispering “we’re a homosexual couple” to me next to a busy road with no pedestrians, but i don’t know the region’s atmosphere very well. and i can’t stand disappointing people. every time i mentioned that the cat in my backpack really needed to get to the vet he looked so bummed and i was hoping that reminding him that i needed to be somewhere would help him condense. but it didn’t. i think i missed the bus because when i got to the stop i looked at the next arrival time and it was like 40 minutes away.

so i walked to the other route that goes near the clinic and got on that bus instead. i missed the stop because the bus does not announce its stops nor actually stop at the stops. so i had to backtrack a bit when i realized we’d gone past where i wanted to be. not too far though.

so. some good news and some pretty bad news. i filled out snoopy’s paperwork at the vet and all the techs were very nice and the vet answered all my questions as i remembered to ask them. i was a little confused because basically everything they said completely contradicted what the first vet had said about cats.

the good news is that snoopy does not have a tumor on her head. she has a cosmetic cyst. “cosmetic” as in “it’s doing nothing and has nothing in it, but if you want her head to look nicer we can take it off for 500 dollars. but it might go away itself too.” 

the bad news is that she has kidney disease, which is incurable and, eventually, fatal. 

it’s not... it’s probably not going to happen soon. her bloodwork showed that the blood toxicity thing is pretty low right now. the vet did not give me a lifetime estimate and just said that all cats are different. i gotta choke up a lot of money for specifically pro-kidney prescription food though and i can’t give her any treats for... well, the rest of her life. 

there was another cat at the shelter when we were adopting snoopy who had the same problem. i was bummed that i’d never be able to spoil her with cookies all the time so i got snoopy. but now i can’t spoil snoopy with piles of cookies either. at least she will eat the new food though. and she has gained some weight, but the vet wants her to put on another half of her total body weight. 

so i carried snoopy and the food bag all the way home (with the help of the bus half the time). she didn’t hold the vet trip against me but she seems pretty interested in laying next to the washing machine. maybe the blood draw exhausted her. i did get her to eat some of the new food right away at least...

i was starving because it was 2 pm by the time i got her re-settled and i had a big lunch. then i basically did nothing for 4 hours and then i re-tried making the gnocchi. this time i hand-minced some garlic and made a nice butter-parmesan sauce and threw in some basil so it would taste italian. and it was actually really good. the amount of garlic was illegal though. 

mom always puts tons and tons of garlic in her dishes so i might have trouble figuring out how much to put in my servings for a while.

tomorrow i got two classes. the third one is still being mysterious and will begin on friday. suzanne said i could borrow her mechanics textbook any time so tomorrow i’ll spend some time reading and taking notes- THAT’S THE PLAN. 

i’m having so much trouble getting rolling on homework and studying. i was so lethargic today that i didn’t take out the recycling or finish washing my dishes right after dinner. and that’s the un-stressful stuff!!!

my gramma is slipping toward kidney failure. i’m thinking about what that means for snoopy. but... gramma doesn’t have me restricting her diet. i’m thinking snoopy’s probably got a while before i have to start doing the, like, daily injections? that the vet talked to me about.

i know everyone dies eventually. and i know roughly the age that people and dogs and cats reach. but no one really wants to hear that that time is, in fact, coming up. grampa’s dying the death of a thousand paper cuts and he’s already lived longer than any man on that side of the family in our history. gramma’s body is just stopping taking care of itself. eve got her leg chopped off, but she’s still 13. snoopy’s 12. i don’t know much about her. it’s only been ten days.

not sure i like having this buildup of “the end” in my life right now. i mean, i love all of these people and animals, and i never want to lose them, but the anticipation stresses me out, and i know that the longer each of them lives, the more likely they are to die pretty close to each other. mathematically, i guess.

knowing that someday i’ll have to keep going without any of them stresses me out.

anyway. i need to figure out how to out-motivate my anxiety. knowing intellectually that this is what i want to do with my life and every stepping stone on the way down this road is, in its own way, a joy doesn’t seem to be making me less anxious. and the fear of, i don’t know, both failing and succeeding is more powerful than my interest in any subject including my very favorite. 

failing because this is what i want to do, and if i can’t do it because i’m not the right kind of person then it’s like “well, what now?”

succeeding because if i succeed then that’s wrong and someone must have made a mistake, but now everyone will expect me to know what i’m doing. and i never know what i’m doing. i don’t even know what i’m doing when i’m pretty sure i know what i’m doing! i can’t commit to anything because, like, if i get good at it, people will expect me to be consistently good at it! and i can’t be consistently good!! i can barely get up in the morning, let alone do quantum mechanics every day, or win at pokemon every day, or cook something good every day. 

at least with cooking so far it’s been almost entirely for just myself. it’s easier to enjoy the project and take risks and goof off with weird combinations when i’m the only one who has to throw it away and just make corn dogs if it doesn’t work out. my first batch of cupcakes during my sick period this year was humiliating. 

but i can’t actually get to the point where i am consistently good at something UNLESS i do it every day and spend a whole lot of time screwing up and making dumb mistakes. i gotta commit if i want to succeed. i’m not even that good at pokemon because i don’t actually play against other people. if i want to be good at physics i gotta do it a lot, and a lot of that has to be with other people who will point out my mistakes so i can stop making them.

but even doing a little bit is so difficult that it’s easy to find chores to do specifically so that i run out of time to do any actual physics.

look at that. i started writing super early but now it’s 10:10 and if i cracked open a physics book now i would get to bed late. guess i’ll have to do it tomorrow!!!!

at least, right now... it won’t be very helpful to worry a lot about snoopy. i’ve done everything i can right now and i can’t do anything past that. i’ll have to bring in the lab work the vet requested over the weekend or something because i just won’t have the time and energy to put like 2 hours into another vet trip if i got something else to do that day. i switched her food right over, and i am keeping her water fountain full and clean, and i am keeping her litter box clean, and i am trying to keep her fur clean. i don’t like that things take time. building skills, and getting to know people, and getting to know snoopy, and seeing how snoopy does with this chronic disease, are all things that take a LOT of time.

i wish my therapy appointment was this week instead of in a week. getting along by myself with no mental health support is a sisyphean monstrosity.