#batsy-boo makes bruce want to commit vehicular manslaughter (jk... mostly)

[warydoom]

BatLantern Headcannons

(Inspired by the wonderful @caesyy)

Alfred is the one who *actually* manages their schedules to avoid overlaps on patrols if possible. He once let them patrol together for a week as an "experiment." The crime rate didn't drop, but reports of "two idiots in capes arguing loudly over the best way to eat a hotdog while a mugger got away" skyrocketed. Oracle had to mute their comms twice.

Bruce, despite his initial (and ongoing, to some degree) paranoia, has a designated coffee mug for Hal in the Batcave. Alfred insists. Hal, of course, uses a different one every time just to see Bruce twitch, but the existence of "Hal's Mug" (usually one with a ridiculously cheesy pilot slogan) is a quiet admission of acceptance. Hal also sometimes pucks Damian up from school. Usually when Alfred is just too tired. He has designated nicknames for each one of the kids.

Bruce won't verbally gush over Hal's cooking the way Hal does for his sandwiches, (sometimes Bruce making breakfast in bed for Hal ends with them forgetting to actually leave bed). But he will pointedly leave an extra-large portion of whatever Hal made for him "for later patrols," which Hal knows is Bruce-code for "this is amazing, I want more." He also actually eats what Hal makes, a high compliment from a man who often forgets meals.

Hal once tried to help bruce make the super special breakfast sandwich. It involved screaming, extra grease, and Alfred calmly handing Bruce a fire extinguisher. Hal is now banned from breakfast preparations. He still helps Alfred in the kitchen at all other meals.

Bruce, being Bruce, has rules. Hal, being Hal, considers these rules more like "strong suggestions" and delights in finding (or inventing) loopholes. This leads to many "discussions" where Bruce is trying to maintain his stern composure while Hal argues like a particularly smug lawyer.

Bruce: "Jordan, the rule was no constructs in the dining room." Hal: "Technically, it was a cutlery construct, Bats. For eating. It's thematic!"

Their civilian bickering is legendary at Wayne Manor. It's less about life-or-death mission stakes and more about who left the cap off the toothpaste, whose turn it is to choose the movie (Hal always picks something loud and dramatic, Bruce picks mystery movies to make fun of them), or Hal "helpfully" rearranging Bruce's meticulously organized bookshelf "to give it more personality." Alfred just sips his tea.

Bruce has an internal catalog of Hal's petnames for him, ranked by annoyance level. "Spooky" is mildly tolerable. "Batsy-Boo" elicits a death glare. "My Caped Crusader" gets an eyeroll. But he never actually tells Hal to stop. It's just… Hal.

No matter how much Hal bratted, or how stern Bruce had to be, Bruce's aftercare is meticulous and unwavering. It's often silent – cleaning up, tending to any marks, holding Hal. Hal, for all his bluster, sinks into it like a cat. This is where a "Sweetheart" might slip out from Bruce.

Hal is on a perpetual, often failing, mission to make Bruce laugh. This involves terrible puns during patrols, ridiculous construct shapes (a giant rubber chicken to whack a minor inconvenience villain), and attempts to get Bruce to dance at quiet moments. Bruce's lips might twitch upwards sometimes (once in a blue moon), which Hal counts as a monumental victory.

At Justice League meetings, Hal will make tiny, almost invisible construct distractions that only Bruce (with his hyper-awareness) would notice – a tiny green bird pecking at Superman's cape, a miniature race car zipping under the table. Bruce's jaw will clench, a silent promise of a "debriefing" later. He never does this when the situation is *actually* serious, though.

Bruce rarely raises his voice, but when he drops it to that low, gravelly Batman tone, specifically for Hal during… negotiations… and calls him "Jordan" with a certain weight, Hal practically melts, like an ice cream on a hot day. It's the auditory equivalent of a firm hand.

Alfred Pennyworth ( the human, not the cat) has a soft spot for Hal. He sees the genuine affection beneath the bickering and appreciates that Hal can sometimes make Bruce forget he's Batman for a few hours. Alfred always ensures Hal's favorite snacks are stocked and might "accidentally" leave out photo albums of a younger, slightly less broody Bruce when Hal visits.