inkykeiji · 3 years ago
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i’m in love with you i’m in love with you i’m in love with you every time i read your writing my mind goes blank and i enter a haze and i just. i wish i could immortalise the feelings you evoke within me and read them to you. i wish i could tell u every day how much your words mean to me. shaking crying throwing up
- lover (sorry i’ve been mia. it’s been a tempestuous couple of weeks. missed you.)
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LOVER PLEASE UR GONNA MAKE ME CRYYYY!! oh my gosh literally thank you SO much for these messages they made me giggle and tear up and aaaaaaaah <33333 i appreciate your feedback more than i can express, thank you <3
ps. don’t apologize!!! it’s 100% fine <3 please take good care of yourself, you deserve it <33 i missed u too!!! tons!!
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lucyintheskywithxanax · 4 years ago
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I Had To Know Pain Before I Could Be Comforted
Pairing: Billie Dean Howard x Fem Reader
Requested by @steveyouarelate : “37 (Lie to me. I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again.) and 50 (I’m sorry I’m not enough for you) (with an happy ending, please) with billie dean x reader”
A/N: there’s a lot of crying and wallowing in self-pity in this one, you’ve been warned. I wanted it to have a tragic ending but you asked for happy, so here you go. I hope you’ll like it <3
Title is a line translated from this song.
Word count: ≈ 3 700
Someone catcalled you from across the street but you didn’t find it in you to care. You had no idea where you were. Night was falling, the cold, crisp air was biting your cheeks and making your whole body shiver. You could barely feel your fingers anymore. Your feet hurt. But the pain and the cold felt good. If you could, you would close your eyes and let yourself sink into it to forget everything else.
Your phone buzzed in your pocket. You ignored it. You kept on walking, straight ahead, left around a corner, past an old man sitting on a bench. He said something to you you did not understand. A car honked nearby. Let it. Let it hit you and put an end to your misery.
Your phone buzzed again. “Oh for fuck’s sake, leave me alone,” you muttered. But even as you said it, your hand reached in your pocket for your phone. Your heart swelled with a bubble of hope, that perhaps it would be her, that perhaps her words would be the right ones and they would make everything better. You turned on the screen and read your notifications.
Coming home soon? x
I’m making mackerel in white wine
It was the cold wind that made you tear up, nothing else. Certainly not the image of Billie in the kitchen, dressed in comfy clothes, sipping a glass of expensive white wine, hips swaying to some mellow jazz song as she chopped herbs and vegetables and stirred the sauce. Sassy, brave, confident, and just a little bit reckless Billie. How you adored her. She was everything to you.
Blinking back your tears, you texted her back a few words saying you were going to spend the night at your dad’s. That was a lie, but you really couldn’t face her right now.
And it wasn’t your fault, really. You had never meant to be so messed-up. But Billie – she was the sun, she was the moon and the stars in the sky and beyond, no matter how clichĂ© that sounded, and you
 you were lying on the ground covered with dirt. You were nothing. You had not achieved a single good thing in your life. You couldn’t talk to people without making a complete fool of yourself, you had no talent, no beauty, only a boring, dull personality.
You carried that knowledge in your chest like a rock. Most of the time its weight was bearable; but there were days when the rock seemed to expand and expand until it took all the room in your chest. When that happened, nothing could bring you relief. Negativity would cloud your mind. Dark little thoughts would chirp in your ears like birds in the spring. Useless, they would sing. Boring. Worthless, they would sing.
Today was one of those days. You had woken up with a feeling of dread and dejection and it had required all of your strength to get out of bed. Luckily Billie had left for work early; you didn’t want to bother her with your problems and your bad mood. And then things had just gotten worse and worse.
Today you had lost your job. Your boss had warned you several times before: you weren’t as efficient as your co-workers, you didn’t work fast enough, didn’t smile enough. You simply were not enough. So today he had held the front door open for you and slammed it behind you and had not even bothered to hide his satisfied smirk. Since then, you had walked. Roamed the streets, tried to make one with the cold.
Your phone rang. Billie’s name appeared on your screen. You stared at it for a moment before you accepted the call. You knew she may very well drive to your dad’s if you ignored her, and then what? She’d know you had lied to her. Besides, a tiny part of you was still hoping she would know what to say, she would just know, without you having to tell her, and that rock in your chest would turn to dust and flowers would bloom in its place.
“Hi sweetpea,” said Billie. Her voice was cheerful, but you knew her well enough now to hear the tinge of worry in it.
“Hey,” you said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand. Are you mad?”
There was a soft clang, something metallic being moved. “Of course I’m not. But are you sure you’re alright?”
You closed your eyes and swallowed hard. “I’m fine. My dad just really needs company right now.”
Did she even care? Or was she relieved that you wouldn’t be spending the night together?
“I’m sorry you made dinner for me,” you went on, eyes still shut tight.”I should have warned you, but he –“
“It’s fine, Y/N, really,” Billie cut you off. “We have that wonderful thing called a fridge that I can use to store leftovers.”
A small laugh escaped you.
“But I’ll miss you,” Billie said. She paused, and again you pictured her, her free hand on the counter, fingers drumming, an apron tied around her waist, hair as perfectly done as if she were about to attend a movie premiere. Another small laugh escaped you, affectionate, incredibly sad.
“Me too. I’ll be back tomorrow. Love you.”You hung up before she had time to say it back. You weren’t sure you could hear those words from her right now.
What would she think when you told her you had lost the one thing that still made you a person of value to the world? You couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on her face. She would be kind, of course, and tell you not to worry. Maybe she would even say that she still loved you. But that wouldn’t be true. Billie deserved someone who, like her, had shot for the stars and made it. Someone who shone as bright as she did, someone she could be proud of – not a liability like you.
You walked. When you took a look at your surroundings, you realized you didn’t know that part of the city. It looked like a wealthy residential neighbourhood, big white houses with large porches, impeccably mown lawns. The streets were deserted. You walked.
Spending the night at your dad’s wasn’t even an option. He was too boisterous, too loud. Your best friend would know something was wrong the minute she’d take a look at your face, and then she would ask questions, demand answers you didn’t want to give her. So you kept on walking, dragging around that rock which after so many years had become a part of you. You didn’t even know if you would want to get rid of it. It felt like company now.
A bridge, across a canal. Past the city hall. You reached downtown, busy, wild, buzzing with life. People brushed past you and laughed at each other and talked too loudly. The city watched you roam without offering the least bit of comfort. You had tried to find solace in its streets hundreds of times before, fueled by the naive belief that the city would welcome you with open arms and a kind smile. But the city was indifferent and selfish. The city sneered at the lost souls that wandered the night.
Maybe you could get a hotel room. You stopped in front of the first hotel you found and stared at the door, but soon realized you were incapable of going in. It was as if your legs had frozen, as if some sort of force were pushing you away. So you walked on. Your heart was secretly singing for home.
But you couldn’t go home. You couldn’t do that to Billie. You were a burden to her, and that had to stop. She had too many great things to achieve, a whole future made of gold and diamonds and glorious victories, to be held down by someone like you. So shut up, you ordered your heart. Don’t yearn for something you do not deserve.
You walked. You walked until you were sure your feet were bleeding and every muscle in your legs was screaming in agony. A little past midnight your mind went numb. You walked. At 1am a dog barked at you, at 1:34 a drunk whistled and called for you to come with him. At 2:30 you finally looked up and realized your aching feet had led you back home.
You tried, you really did, to go away. Go back downtown, get a freaking hotel room to spend the night. Your feet led you to the front door, your hand turned the key in the lock. You could sleep on the couch, you told yourself. You could sleep on the couch, and leave at dawn before Billie woke up.
The house was dark and silent. You waited a few seconds, your heart beating fast in your chest, listening for any sound, any indication that Billie was still awake. Nothing. You took off your coat and shoes, and dropped your bag on the floor. You waited a few seconds more. When you had convinced yourself Billie was asleep, you tip-toed all the way to the living-room. The floor was cold under your feet, the walls seemed to be closing in on you in the dark.
You hadn’t eaten since breakfast, but you weren’t sure your stomach could hold food right now. All you wanted was to collapse on the couch and bury your face in the pillows and sleep. Forget that you existed.
Your right foot slammed into a suitcase you had not bothered to put away earlier in the day. A curse escaped you, low and angry, and out of the corner of your eye you saw something stir in the darkness of the living-room. You jumped, raising an arm to defend yourself, and squinted at the shape that straightened and turned, light from outside falling on strawberry blond hair.
Billie reached out to turn on a lamp and grimaced as the bright light blinded her. She raised one hand to shield her eyes, blinking away sleep. There was a red mark on her left cheek, and you quickly realised she had fallen asleep at the table while doing crosswords. She often did that, when she couldn’t sleep. Crosswords helped her focus when her mind was buzzing with too many thoughts.
She met your eyes, blinked again, and then she smiled. You stood frozen as if you had turned into a statue, the mad pumping of your heart the only sign that you were still alive.
You could have tried to make a joke. You could have lied to her again, said you had tucked your dad in and left. Instead, your throat closed up, your heart dropped into your stomach, and to your utter shame and despair you felt your eyes fill with tears.
You were so tired. How so tired of being you.
All you wanted was to sink into Billie’s arms.
For a minute there was only silence. You watched as Billie’s expression turned from surprised to happy to confused. Oh God, what would she think of you? How she would despise you. She would think you were a sad, pitiful creature and she would be right.
You prayed for something, anything, an earthquake, a meteor crash, a tidal wave even though you lived miles from the ocean, that would put an end to your miserable life.
Billie stood up, smoothing one hand over her wrinkled clothes. Only now did you notice that she hadn’t changed from work. Had she been waiting for you this whole time? Your heart tightened in your chest. No, that couldn’t be. She had probably tried to make the best of her one evening of freedom, her one happy evening when she could celebrate your being finally out of her hair.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight,” she said with a small smug smile. She held out one hand as if to touch you and you flinched. She noticed, and her smile wavered.
“Are you alright?”
“I –“ With a shake of your head you took a few steps away from her, your throat thick with tears, and when you shot her a glance her face was blurry but you could still see the damned worry in her eyes –
“Y/N what’s wrong?” she asked, her voice getting higher and shaky as it always did when she was anxious. She walked up to you, but kept enough distance between you and her so as not to make you feel cornered.
“I lost my job.” The words tumbled out without permission. You were so tired. You just wanted to be held. “I got fired because I couldn’t do my job properly.”
Silence.
That was it, then. You had lost her. She was seeing you for who you really were; the veil love had dropped over her eyes was finally being lifted.
You couldn’t look at her, so you closed your eyes and let your tears fall.
“I’m so sorry,” you sobbed, one hand coming up to your chest for it was too tight, it was crushing your heart and it hurt too much. “Billie, I’m so sorry I keep disappointing you.”
A hand, on your arm. A question, barely above a whisper. “Honey, what do you mean?”
A sob pushed out of your throat, loud and painful and so despicable. “I’m sorry I’m not enough for you.”
She let out a noise, a gasp, but to you it sounded like a contemptuous, mocking laugh, a laugh that said, Look at you, pitiful, pitiful little creature.
“Y/N,” she started, but you shook your head. You still couldn’t look at her.
“Listen, I’ll get my things, I understand. Just – let me sleep here tonight. Please. I’ll sleep on the couch, only for tonight, and then I’ll leave I’ll – “
“Y/N what are you talking about?”
You felt her grip on your arm tighten, acrylics digging into your skin.
“Just one more night, please, Billie,” you begged.
“Shut up. Stop talking. You’re not making any sense, honey.”
“I’m so sorry,” you cried.
A hand on your cheek. You almost flinched, almost recoiled, but you managed to stop yourself from doing so. There was no need to hurt her more than you already had.
“Please stop apologizing,” Billie whispered. Why did she sound so broken? “Tell me what to do. What can I do?”
You shook your head again, choked on a sob. Billie’s thumb was gently stroking your cheek, catching your tears and wiping them away.
“Lie to me,” you whispered. “I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again. Tell me I can be enough for you.” You opened your eyes, then, and looked up at her. And you could have hit yourself, you could have stabbed your chest and ripped off your heart, for her face was coated with tears that dripped down her chin, and her gaze was so terribly sad.
She let out a strangled breath. “Oh, Y/N
 come here, come here baby.”
You didn’t even try to fight her. Your body sank into hers like a stone into water. Your hands slid up her back to grab fistfuls of her shirt as you buried your face in her shoulder. She wrapped one arm around your waist and put her other hand on the back of your head, pressing you closer against her. She was being so gentle, so loving, dropping kisses on your temple, murmuring sweet nothings in your ear – it only made you cry harder. Because you were going to lose this, to lose her, and you’d never have the strength nor the will to find that kind of sweet love ever again.
She started humming, a soft tune, as she rocked you like a child and you sobbed and wailed. Her voice was always a little bit raspy when she sang, a little bit out of tune, never quite managing to hit the right notes. Hearing her sing always soothed you. She ran her fingers through your hair, acrylics gently grazing your skull, just the way you liked it, because it always made your skin tingle everywhere.
Damn her, she knew you so well. She knew exactly how to help you calm down, how to make part of that ache in your chest disappear.
Minutes passed. Billie was still humming when you finally felt like you could breathe again. You turned your head, pressed your cheek against her shoulder – her blouse was wet now, you had done that, ruined it as you always ruined everything. You forced yourself to take a deep breath, relishing the smell of her, so precious, so loved – you would have to keep it safely stored in your mind to never forget it. Maybe, on the darkest of nights to come, when everything and everyone would fail to soothe your soul, if you closed your eyes tight enough you would be able to conjure her scent again, and then sleep would finally come.
Billie’s hand slid down the side of your face to cup your cheek. You closed your eyes, counted to three, then pulled away.
Her gaze was still so very sad when you met her eyes, but she managed to offer you a smile. She gracefully wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek.
“Why are you crying?” you frowned.
Billie let out an incredulous laugh. “Did you hear what you said to me?”
There was no reproach in her voice, only sadness, and that felt like a stab to your heart.
“I’m sor –“you started, but she interrupted you with a slender finger on your lips.
“I told you to stop apologizing.” She offered you another shaky smile, but then her brow pushed up in concern. “Did I –“Her voice broke. She swallowed, tried again. “Did I do something to make you feel like you were not enough?”
Did she
 what? You weren’t sure you had heard her properly. Had those words really left her mouth, or had they been uttered by a malicious spirit? How could Billie, Billie who was so considerate, so loving, so utterly perfect – how could she think she had done anything wrong?
Her face crumpled as she misinterpreted your silence. “Oh no baby, I’m so s –“she started, but you interrupted her.
“No, Billie, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Your voice was hoarse from crying. You shook your head, biting your lower lip to hold back fresh tears. “You’ve been so good to me. The best thing that ever happened to me. The truth is, you’ve been too good and I don’t
 I don’t want to hold you back.” She opened her mouth to protest, but you shook your head again, a silent pleading to let you finish. “Now that I’ve lost my job you’re gonna have to provide for me and I can’t let you do that. I can’t be a burden I can’t –“
Again, a finger on your lips. You fell silent. Something in you disappeared and you felt your body go limp, as if there was no strength left in you.
Billie’s finger gently tapped your lips as she gazed at you thoughtfully.
“I don’t mind providing for you while you look for another job,” she said after a while. Her brow furrowed. “Or maybe you should take a break. Maybe I should, too. We could go somewhere nice and relax for a while.”
“But I –“Another tap on your lips.
“But you –“you tried again, but again she interrupted you. You planted a kiss on her finger in retaliation, and were rewarded with a small smile.
“I couldn’t sleep without you,” Billie said in a low voice. Her eyes met yours, kind and vulnerable. “You’re not a disappointment, Y/N. It’s got to the point I cannot even imagine my future without you.”
You couldn’t help it: you dissolved into tears again. Billie cooed and gently guided your head against her shoulder. You clang to her, hoping you could get rid of your negative thoughts with every sob. It didn’t work like that, you knew it, but when you were in Billie’s arms it almost seemed life could be easy and kind.
You didn’t pull away when your tears subsided. You kept your eyes closed, enjoying Billie’s embrace, her hand running through your hair, her warmth. You felt thoroughly empty now, thoroughly spent. Sleep weighed on your eyelids. You wrapped your arms around Billie’s waist and pulled her closer still, breathed in her scent and let out a sigh.
“What happened?” Billie whispered after a while.
“I told you.” You nuzzled her shoulder. “I lost my job.”
“No, I mean
 what happened?”
You got her meaning, somehow, as if your mind were perfectly attuned to hers. You hesitated. Swallowed hard.
“I don’t know,” you said in a breath. “Sometimes it feels like I can never be a viable option for anyone, especially not for you. I know it’s stupid, I know I have no real reasons to feel that way. But I can’t help it.”
Billie hummed. She dropped a kiss on your forehead, warm lips lingering on your skin. “I love you,” she said, voice firm and raspy. She ran one hand up and down your back, nails scratching gently.”And I want you, even when you’re at your lowest and ugliest, even when you don’t have a job.”Her hand slipped over your shoulder, under your chin, titled your head up. She waited for you to meet her eyes. “You’re allowed to not be at your best all the time. That doesn’t make you worthless.”
And as you gazed at her with half lidded eyes, her words sank into you and settled in your chest and bloomed there. Eased the ache. Maybe only for a few hours, maybe only for a few days, but it was all you needed right now. And somehow she had known exactly what to say. And she would know what to say the next time.
You blinked sleepily, and she cooed, smiled a smile that was half fond, half smug. “Do you need to get some shut-eye, my little bear?”
You rolled your eyes at her, but were betrayed by a yawn. Her smile grew into a smirk.
“Shut up,” you muttered, as you buried your face in her chest, nuzzled the exposed skin, and smiled.
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cake-writes · 5 years ago
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Compromise (Part Ten)
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Pairing: Bucky x Reader
Story Warnings: Mom!Reader, Dad!Bucky, Ex-Relationship, Co-Parenting Drama, Slow Burn, Angst, Fluff, Separation Anxiety, Violence
Summary: You didn’t want to trust him again, because every time you did, Bucky broke your heart just a little more. Deep down, though, you wanted to get along with him. You wanted to be amicable. You wanted your daughter to know her father. You’d always wanted that. It just required a compromise.
Interlude #3 / Master List / Spotify Playlist
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Winnie helped you set the table. 
Well, more like you held her up while she plopped down plates and glasses and cutlery just like every other day. Good thing you’d gotten the supposedly unbreakable kind from Ikea, because she wasn’t gentle in the least. Clumsy, just like always.
“Three?” she asked, blinking up at you with those big blue eyes of hers.
You smiled at her. “That’s right, sweetpea. Three.”
Three place settings. It didn’t take her long to piece it together.
With an excited shriek of, “Daddy’s coming!” she jumped down from your arms and ran to the living room to grab her stack of princess colouring books. She obviously wanted him to help her colour them in, because she plopped them down onto the table and asked, “Which princess does Daddy like?”
You laughed and ruffled her hair. “I guess we’ll just have to ask him, won’t we?”
He’d say ‘Winnie,’ though. She was his favourite. Not Belle. Not Ariel.
Winnie.
Except seven o’clock came and went, and you started to think otherwise.
You, 7:09am: You’re probably just running a little late. That’s okay, I’m just putting the french toast on now. See you in a few.
 No response.
Tick-tock went the clock.
You, 7:21am: Winnie has some new colouring books she wants you to see. Will you be here soon?
 Still no response.
An extra plate of french toast lay untouched upon the kitchen table, next to a bottle of syrup and an empty glass.
You picked at your plate and watched your daughter eat her breakfast. Winnie’s attempts to take bites of french toast as she scribbled in her colouring book were comical, almost, but you couldn’t find it in you to smile. 
Everything felt just like before. 
Half past was when you gave up hope that Bucky would be coming.
You probably should have put her colouring book away so as not to get syrup stains all over it, but you just couldn’t be bothered. Her crayons would be sticky, too, but you didn’t care. It kept her occupied – kept her from realizing how late it was. 
Not for long, unfortunately.
“Where’s Daddy?”
You looked up from the colouring book to Winnie’s worried face and noticed that her little eyebrows creased in the exact same way as her father’s. She didn’t deserve to feel like this, and neither did you.
“I think Daddy might have gotten a little caught up with work,” you lied – absolutely hating that you had to lie to her, just like before. “Mommy will see if he can come over for breakfast tomorrow instead, okay?”
Winnie’s lower lip started to wobble, and your heart clenched in your chest.
“He’s not coming?” she asked again, like your answer might change.
“No, baby,” you told her with a sad smile. “Not today.”
“But we set the table,” she protested. “We made extra toasts!”
“I know, Winnie, but—”
“But I saved Elsa!” she whined, tears finally spilling down her cheeks. “Elsa, Mommy!”
“I know, honey,” you soothed, leaning over to stroke her back. “I know. Daddy will help you colour her in tomorrow, okay?”
Sniffling, Winnie nodded, but she didn’t seem convinced. You could tell by the way her scribbling became a little rougher; her crayons snapped here and there, and the pages were soon covered with lots of orange and pink and red.
Mostly red.
Crisis averted for now, but you knew it wouldn’t last. If Bucky was falling back into the same habits, then this breakdown would be the first of many. Winnie had just started to stabilize a bit, and now he’d thrown off her equilibrium all over again.
Needless to say, it quickly devolved into the morning from hell. Colouring books put away in favour of getting dressed for daycare, and what a nightmare that was. Temper tantrums for the next half hour. Clothes yanked off more than once. Ear-splitting screams when you combed her hair.
Fantastic.
The second you’d dropped her off at daycare, you yanked your phone out of your purse, fully intending to give Bucky a piece of your mind. Still sitting in the parking lot, you angrily dialled his number, absently watching the leaves fall from the trees in the distance. Gorgeous autumn colours: yellow and orange and red.
Mostly red. 
You saw red, too.
“Barnes,” came his sleepy morning voice on the other end, and although you’d very much loved the sound of it once upon a time, not now you didn’t.
“I thought you were coming for breakfast,” you bit out, unable to keep the venom out of your words. “Where the fuck were you?”
“I—What?” He sounded a little more awake, now. A little more alert. “What time is it?”
“Eight-twenty,” you spat. 
“What?” A pause where he likely checked for himself, and then, “Shit, shit, I’m so sorry, doll, I—”
“I don’t care,” you interrupted. “Your daughter had a breakdown. I hope you’re happy.”
“I’m getting dressed right now, I’ll be there in ten—”
“I’ve already dropped her off.”
That was when the rustling of clothing on the other line slowed, and then stopped completely. It must have started to sink in that he was too late. 
He’d fucked up.
The silence that befell the two of you was tenser than usual, much worse than yesterday. Bucky had made a promise not to hurt Winnie again, and he’d broken it. When he pulled this same bullshit and disappeared for a week, you’d managed to spin a story about it, but this? No way. Not again.
Why should you have to keep lying for him?
Everything was just like before.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, a lot quieter this time, and you bit down on the inside of your cheek.
“Yeah,” you responded flatly. “Me too.”
Then you ended the call.
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You should have been at work twenty minutes ago.
The second you hung up on him, you lost it. Tears and mascara spilled down your cheeks. Near-pristine makeup smudged. Foundation rubbed away from your nose. In the leather passenger’s seat sat a small pile of tissues, discarded as easily as he’d done to you. Your phone lay next to them – three missed calls and a handful of texts. You didn’t have to look to know that they were from him.
After slowing to a stop in your usual parking spot, you used the pads of your fingers to delicately rub away some of the black streaks on your cheeks. Your eyes were still a little teary, a little bloodshot, and you’d already salvaged what you could of your makeup. It wasn’t perfect, but it would have to do.
What a mess.
Then came a hard rap on your window, and you jumped – nearly jabbed yourself in the eye.
Bucky.
Your stomach lurched in an instant.
On his face was pure alarm – panic – but all you could do was stare at him in shock through the tinted window of the Land Rover.
What the hell was he doing here?
“Let me explain,” he said, voice muffled through the security of your car. “Please. I— I can’t lose you again.”
Both of you, you assumed. You and Winnie. 
Mostly Winnie.
It didn’t even cross your mind that it could have been a freudian slip. 
You swallowed hard and pulled the keys from the ignition, before you opened the car door. When you spoke, your voice sounded so much worse than you thought it would. Hoarse. Rough. Exactly like you’d been crying. 
“You have as long as it takes for me to get inside.”
Bucky glanced to the front door of your coffee shop and then back at you. Thirty seconds, tops, but he spent a few of them taking in your appearance – eyes tracing the tear stains on your cheeks, your flushed nose, your chapped lips. It made you feel self-conscious.
Fantastic.
“I’m sorry,” he began for the umpteenth time, and you barely managed not to scoff, gravel crunching under your feet. “I didn’t hear my alarm. I was gonna be there, sweetheart, swear to god. Please.”
“You never sleep in,” you fired back, accusatory. “Why today?”
“I
” Bucky shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground. Ashamed. For what, you weren’t sure. “I don’t get nightmares as often as I used to, and
 and talking to you made me feel better. I actually dreamt for once.”
A dream. Not a nightmare. And he was ashamed.
Why?
You stopped walking to finally look at Bucky – really look, and you found that he seemed well-rested. Panicked, absolutely, but well-rested. No dark circles under his eyes; no pallor to his complexion.
Thinking back on it, he’d always looked like this as of late. Maybe he really had been sleeping better than he used to. Two years was a long time, after all, and he’d been going to therapy. That must have helped, too. 
“What did you dream about?” you asked point-blank. You weren’t sure why. A test, maybe, or curiosity.
His brows rose in surprise. “What?”
“Your dream. What was it about?”
Fingertips digging anxiously into the shoulder strap of your purse, you peered up into those pretty baby blues, searching for whatever lie he may have tried to pull out of his ass. He held your gaze for a moment or two before he looked away again, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of his neck.
“You.”
A nervous tic. Not a lie.
You opened your mouth to say something, but then you closed it again, having expected a different answer – something, anything but that. The light dusting of pink coming across his cheeks made you realize what, exactly, he’d dreamt about.
“O-Oh,” you stammered.
What the hell?
That was when your phone chimed. Absolutely perfect timing, because you felt awkward and you didn’t know what else to say, other than a half-hearted apology for fishing your phone from your purse.  
Bucky just shook his head, as if to say don’t be sorry. 
You had nothing to be sorry about, anyway. 
Still, you spent a little more time than necessary rereading the text you’d just received from one of your baristas. The cafe was low on almond milk, apparently. You’d have to go to the store, because the milk order wasn’t due in until tomorrow. 
That gave you some time to figure out what to do.
As angry as you’d been, you still had a soft spot for Bucky. You had always had a soft spot for him, and that hadn’t changed, no matter how hellish your morning had been for you and your little girl.
“Why don’t you come to the store with me?” you suggested. “Maybe buy me some daisies while we’re there. A big bouquet this time.”
A joke. How stupid. Where had all your strength gone?
You were still upset, but what he’d said had disarmed you quite a bit.
“Sure. Yeah, of course.” His response came way too quickly. “Whatever you want.”
Good answer.
On the way back to your car, you noticed that Bucky had parked a few spots down. He really must have scrambled to get here, because he’d somehow arrived before you did. While you had been running late, the drive still took some time and he lived further away than you.
“It’s unlocked,” you told him, pulling open the driver’s side door again. As you got inside, you spotted the pile of tissues sitting in the passenger’s seat.
Fantastic.
“Sorry,” you mumbled in embarrassment, leaning over the console to collect the mess you’d made. There weren’t a ton of tissues, just a couple of handfuls, but you struggled to fit them all into your purse. No trash can.
A quick glimpse in the rearview mirror showed that you still looked like hell.  There was no way he wouldn’t put two and two together.
“That’s okay,” Bucky told you, gentle voice like honey to your ears. 
After you placed your too-full purse on the back seat, his large, warm hand came to rest on your cheek – caught you entirely off guard. You froze up in an instant, and it took a lot of willpower to meet his eyes again.
“I’m sorry for making you cry.”
You assumed that he would have figured it out, but to have him actually confirm it made you feel shy all of a sudden. God, it felt so good when he comforted you like this, though, and the soft expression on his face made you weak. 
You swallowed the lump in your throat, watching as his eyes flickered down to your lips, and you realized, then, that he was just inches away – that it would be so stupidly easy to lean forward and just kiss him, but you knew what a bad idea that would be.
He’d fucked up.
You licked your lips to alleviate the dryness in your throat, but that only made things worse because his eyes snapped back up to yours.
“We, uh
” You cleared your throat, feeling your face burn under his palm. “We have to get going.”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Sorry.”
And then the warmth of his hand was gone.
For the entire drive, you did your best to ignore the way your skin tingled from his touch, but it didn’t work. Not with your heart pounding like this. Not with your thoughts racing like this.
What a fucking mess.
“I hope you like Princess Elsa,” you spoke up – a distraction, or maybe just another test. You weren’t sure anymore. “You’ll be seeing a lot of her at breakfast tomorrow.”
There was a brief pause while Bucky considered your casual invitation. An olive branch. One final chance to get this right, and he didn’t turn it down. 
You knew he wouldn’t.
“Elsa’s fine,” he said thoughtfully, “but Winnie’s better.”
Another joke, perhaps, but it was the truth. You couldn’t help but laugh a little. 
Of course he thought so.
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Part Eleven
(If you like my work, please consider donating to my Patreon or my Ko-Fi!)
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pbandjesse · 5 years ago
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My back is really hurty right now but today was a really nice day. Just long and rainy.
I was very tired last night. I'm very tired today. But it's all right. I slept okay last night. I woke up with James's alarm around 6 and fell back asleep until 7. He was gone when I woke up. He had gone to his parents house to get the car to get the last couple things for my other apartment. The plan now is for me to go on Saturday and Sunday and clean. Trying to make it as nice as possible. Then we will go in with are U-Haul when he has a day off. And get my bed and my bookshelf. I'm still stressed out about it all but it's fine. I think I'm going to bring some cleaning stuff and trash bags and things like that over this weekend. Try to just do as much as possible.
I felt okay when I got up. It wasn't thrilled about being awake. Are going to work but I had some positive feelings for the guy. Last night at around 10 p.m. Tiffany called me and asked if I would feel okay leading the older kids science class. And honestly that's what I thought we were doing from the beginning so I was fine with that. I left here around 7:40 and went down to the bus stop.
I got to work at 8:15 and went upstairs and sorry it's setting things up. My fabric was missing but I found it underneath I dropped off. No idea why it was there. It's all good. Set up and then I went to talk to Edina about changing the stem project. And then I went to go talk to Tiffany about the schedule. Because one of the reasons I am leaving stem is so that a Dina can see how the project should go. So having her do stem first doesn't make any sense.
But after some phone calls and stuff we were able to work that out and I got the schedule and I want it. My art is the same. Then we have reading lunch and recess. And then I go to stem with the older kids. While the little kids go to book arts. And then the little kids come to stem and then the older kids go to book Arts. And that worked really well. Today was so much more chill than it has been and it was great.
I set up some stuff for science. Mixed up watercolor paint in bottles. Made some examples. We were doing sneeze art. And it was very silly. But we started the day with some annoyances because I am very much all about organized chaos. And one of my kids ask to go to the bathroom while we were at breakfast and I told him to go ahead and he ran out the door like a first grader will do. And the new principal admonished me and Marcus for not watching our kids. And it was just very rude and the very first interaction I've ever had with this woman who has not introduced yourself to us yet. So I just felt some kind of way. But whatever. Hopefully she can redeem herself to me because so far is not looking good.
But besides that today was great. We went upstairs we did yoga. I did yoga with the little kids first and then went did with the big kids. With the big kids they also introduce some of my ballet stretches and that was really fun. Getting them to use their brains a little bit. Not all of them are participating but the ones that are I can tell her having a good time.
Art went really well. I was worried about Jeremiah for a while because he just did not understand that he was moving from beading to Patches. But really that was because yesterday he didn't actually do beading because he kept spilling the beads all over the place. But that's fine. He ended up sitting with our youth worker Trinity and he drew these little characters that he likes on a patch that we've been hot glued on. I was so proud of him I took that picture up there with him smiling all big. So sweet. I just wish that he would stop whining. That's my only thing that I cannot stand. We're working on it though.
Reading was great. We drew pictures on the computers of a book we've read recently. I drew some stuff from Flowers for Algernon. And then we talked about them and we had to have some conversations about critique and how you talk about other people's work. Even if you don't like it. You have to be kind. I doubt with some little kid tears but everything was okay. We were having fun.
Lunch and recess we're fine. I think I'm supposed to be having my break during recess now but that's very early for me and I don't want to have my break then so I just didn't. I stayed outside and just chilled. Then we went inside for stem.
It was very confusing for the kids because they had to go into a different room that they've been used to for the last 2 weeks. But we got everybody in the right place and then I had to take it sit down and I kind of gave them a mini introduction on myself and explain what we were going to do and my expectations for them. That if they did the project they would get free time. It's an incentive and honestly they need it. It's summer camp it's not school they should be able to have free time. Especially because I just read that article last night about how not having free play and free time outside of a structured adult activity is really detrimental for your kids and their ability to self soothe and self direct. They need to be able to learn how to do that. So it's very important for me to figure out places in the day where they can have that.
And it worked out really well. They were loud. And they weren't always listening but we explained the project. We talked about how you sneeze at a hundred miles an hour and you cough at 50 miles an hour. And then we got our watercolor paper and are smocks and we went outside.
For both classes it works very well. But the little kids were actually better at it because Miss Adina only left a little kids Spritz their paper twice. And I let the big kids do it as much as they wanted. So some of the big kids ones fell apart because they were so wet. But they were having a really good time and they were color mixing and they were being messy and exploring the medium. And they were learning but it wasn't like a lot. It was just fun. And that's what I wanted. You're outside and it's too hot and so after about 15 minutes we went back in.
We all later artwork down put her smokes away I check back in with them make sure they understood the two facts that I thought them. And then I told them guys you did the project you get 20 minutes of free time. So they got their laptops out and they got their phones out and they were having a good old time. And then at the end we close the laptops and cleaned up and they said thank you Miss Jessie and they headed out. It was so much smoother than every other day I have experience seeing the older kids. It was great. I hope that we can keep that momentum.
For the second half. When I had two little kids do it. I stepped back. I let Adina handle that. I only said a couple things. They all were smocks. They got four colors instead of six colors. Mr. Marcus was there to help. We went outside and we all did our thing. The kids work was much nicer than the older kids. They weren't as wet. You actually saw the spray pattern. It was good. Had them bring them all upstairs we laid them out too dry. I'm going to hang them up tomorrow probably. And then we went in. We watched a video and it was nice. I had a good day.
We finish up the day with some snacks and some hanging out on our yoga mats. Took the ball downstairs to go home. Hung out on the hill until everyone was picked up. And I was able to leave at like 3:45.
The bus took a little while and it was really hot out. Just so heavy and humid. And that's because rain was coming. When I was getting off the bus it wasn't raining at. And when I got to my bike it wasn't raining yet. But about two blocks down the street it was starting to rain. At first it was just light. And I thought I would be able to make it home. But then it started to pour. Just absolutely downpouring on me. It felt nice but there was lightning and a lot of wind. The few other people I saw outside trying to get stuff together and run in for looking at me with the same Panic I'm sure was on my face. I was soaked to the skin. But it was just funny at that point. There was nothing else I could do so I just went upstairs and told James to take my off of the day photo. Because it was funny. And then I took a shower.
James to pick up pizza for dinner. He seeing Hamilton with his parents and sister tonight. Which is great because it's the anniversary of the Duel at Weehawken. That's amazing. I don't know if it was on purpose but it's great. So he hung out with me for an hour and then went to go have dinner with them. And I've just been hanging out at home.
I worked on my Furby project for a little while. I've been watching videos and playing with sweetpea. Sweetpea loves pipe cleaners so he was very excited about those. I painted my toenails and now I think I'm going to get up and maybe go do something but I have no idea what my eyebrows? Play with my makeup? Who knows!
Tomorrow is the last day of camp for the week. 5 days is very hard. I do not like working 8 hours. I love my job it's very easy. But it is still a lot. I don't think I was built to work eight hours a day. I am a baby. But it's going to be a good day. I'm slightly concerned about the project tomorrow because I'm not positive we have the right materials for it. But still going to be fun. And then me and James are going to go see to Apartments. It was nice. But they're both of Mount Vernon and we're both really kind of committed to moving to Bolton Hill now. So we'll see what happens we'll make it work. I'm excited to see places because it gives us some good perspective of what the other wants. We both are pretty sure we want the same things and we know what the other one likes but it's still fun. Even if we're not going to rent these ones.
Hope you guys all have a good night. I'm sending you all Good Vibes through the universe. Sleep well. Be safe. Try not to get rained on.
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taesthetes · 6 years ago
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Hello! I reread tuou today after a while... and I don’t think there r words to explain how I felt once again. Just a wave of emotions every time I read it... and it’s just incredible how 21k words and a superb ability to write can make a person feel. I wish I could convey how I feel to u bc I feel like u truly deserve so much recognition and love beyond being a writer on tumblr. But on a different note, when u write, do u feel the emotions that ur readers do? I’ve never written something (1/?)
and felt like sad or happy bc of the story
 sry if my question is confusing. Like if u write angst, do u also feel the heart wrench or r u just like nah whatever I expected it? Thank I for always being so kind when answering all of ur asks. I’ve seen some pretty talented yet rude writers out there, but u seem to genuinely adore every compliment and ask u get. I always feel comfortable talking to u :) Oh yeah, and one more question. What writing platform do u use to write? I’ve always (2/3)
(I forgot what I wrote previously) I always use docs , but it feels too much like a school assignment when I do that. What I’m writing on and the visual aspect matter a lot to me, so just thought I’d ask u about it bc ur my favorite writer on here. Sry the ask is all over the place! Again, thank u for being kind and inspiring me w ur stories. I hope u have the most amazing rest of the day, pick up a twenty dollar bill, get 10 hours of sleep, meet an old friend, and take care of urself !!
hello, honey bee! you are truly making my night with this, oh my gosh, thank you for reading my fic! i’m so so grateful that you read it already but then you decided to read it again? you are incredible, and i don’t deserve such a lovely reader 💗💗 aslkdjfhlasdj it’s my goal to be able to actually make people feel something with my writing, so hearing this from you means the absolute world to me. also, “superb ability to write” and here i am, being a crying and blubbering mess all over again :’) i’m going to put the rest of my answer under the cut because it got long oops
ah, can you believe that nearly a year ago from today, i was writing tuou? it all started because of some silly dreams i had and me wanting to procrastinate on studying for my final exams, even up until the last hour before my exams started. and now, it’s almost one year old!! but also, this message is more than enough, and honestly, i wish i knew how to convey to you just how thankful i am to receive such thoughtful and kind words 💞 my heart is bursting with so much happiness right now 💓💓
as for your first question, there are scenes that when i write, i’m like, “oh my god, that’s so corny
.. let’s keep it.” other than that, i don’t really feel much when i’m writing, unless i’m writing for tae. with tae, i get really upset when i have to write him with a sad scene or something where he isn’t happy. on the other hand, i am unaffected when i’m writing about other members. i don’t feel the heart wrench when i write angst because yep, i’m just like “nah whatever i expected it.” unless, of course, it’s for tae, and i was completely torn over this fic i wrote called saudade. i wanted to scrap it because the entire angst plot comes to life because of taehyung’s death (wow, the irony in this sentence). 
with tuou, after writing it halfway through, i realized it seemed like the oc was cheating on tae with jungkook, so i was about to trash it or change taehyung’s character to jimin. but in the end, my friends convinced me to continue writing and keep it the way it is because they thought taehyung fitted it best. (this is also why taehyung gets the happier ending at the end because i can’t stand to see him sad)
and no worries, your question isn’t confusing at all! and omg you write stories, too? what kind of stories do you write? what’s your favorite genre? :D and thank you for thinking so 💝 i love every ask i receive because it’s so wonderful to know that someone thought of me and my blog and actually took some time out of their busy day to tell me so. and it’s only fair that i dedicate my own time too and fully show my appreciation!! ah, i think some writers might be more introverted than i am. i understand that there are people who just aren’t comfortable with showing their emotions and have a harder time expressing themselves, so their responses may seem a bit off putting? nevertheless, i’m very happy that you feel comfortable talking to me!! 💞💞
in response to your second question, i feel the same way as you do about docs! i only use google docs for group projects or partner work for school. i did use google docs for the collabs i did though since it’s so much easier than emailing back and forth all the scenes and parts. but primarily, i like using microsoft word for writing! but i often find myself writing at 3 am in bed or when i’m walking to and from class, and i type it all out on my phone in a saved email draft. it’s so much easier for me to transfer my writing onto my laptop that way because i just need to log into my email on my laptop and then copy and paste the email draft into microsoft word. what writing platform do you like to use? :D
paeyfaiushdflas you really just shot cupid’s arrow through my heart because favorite writer on here??? i must be on cloud nine, thank you so much 💘💘 and you don’t have to apologize!! your ask was perfectly cohesive and easy to understand :D thank you for sending me in the loveliest messages ever, and it’s an honor to give you inspiration omg!!! and thank you for your well wishes :’)
it was an amazing rest of the day because i was free after taking a final today (well, free until my next three finals next week) and i didn’t find $20 but i did find a dime and caught and leveled up a bunch of my pokemon ahah and i’ll be getting ten hours of sleep tonight!!! and finally, i have a break over the weekend from pulling allnighters to cram study for finals. and i actually met an old friend a few days ago askjdfhlas anyway, i hope you have an amazing day/night, sweetpea, and please take care of yourself, too! i hope you’ll have a good weekend / are having a good weekend! đŸŒ·đŸŒ·
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writingwithadinosaur · 7 years ago
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“Jumping to Conclusions” - Oneshot
“Jumping to Conclusions” - Oneshot
My Masterlist - Here
My Tag List - Here
Leonard “Bones” McCoy x Reader
Word Count: 1,396
Key: Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color
Warnings: Talking about Periods
Summary: It’s that time of the month and the symptoms seem to be worse than before, which catches the attention of a certain CMO boyfriend.
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Author’s Note: There aren’t a lot of stories involving women’s time of the month, which is kind of saddening. I know I read fics to help me escape and feel good, and that is probably one of the times that stories are most helpful. So I hope this story is added to the group of at least decent period stories!
I wrote this for @the-witching-hours12-3 because we were texting and then this story happened. This was also a story that I invited her to change and add things (like coming up with the title cause she’s wonderful at that!). So it’s not fully co-written, but I’m gonna say it is. Please check out her blog!
If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!
<3
- DreaSaurusREX
It had never been this bad. You could usually handle your period without too many  problems. If it ever got too bad, you just had to pop a few pain-killers or Midol and then you’d be fine. But for the past three or so months, it had been getting more unbearable.
You were working with Scotty down in engineering. It felt like someone was taking a chisel to your uterus and then using it as a punching bag. On top of that, you were more than a little nauseated. You had to take more breaks than usual while working today, just to make sure that you wouldn’t vomit in a tube or on some equipment.
Apparently Mother Nature was affecting you more than you thought since even Scotty noticed.
“You alrigh’ lassie? I don’t mean to be rude, but you look like shite.” You chuckled a bit but then felt another wave of nausea hit you. You knew that if you even tried to lie to Scotty, he would see through you so you just told him the truth.
“Honestly, I feel like I’m either going to vomit or pass out; that’s why I’ve been taking more breaks.” Scotty’s face instantly changed from teasing to worried.
“I’m not lettin’ ya’ work anymore today. Get your arse to the med bay lassie!” You knew Scotty was right, and you honestly couldn’t bring yourself to try and push through the work day. You needed to get your medication adjusted or something before this got even worse.
~~~~~~~~
Leonard was working in the med bay as usual, but you did not want to go to him for this type of stuff. He was your boyfriend, and usually your doctor. But you really didn’t want him to be the one to talk to about “women things”. So you decided to see a new doctor that the Enterprise took on to help Leonard during this 5 year mission, Dr. Francine Koplan.
After your meeting with her, you both decided to switch you to a different medication. For today, she gave you a pill for the nausea and then a hypo for the cramps. Dr. Koplan had you lay down on one of the biobeds for about 10 minutes before releasing you back to work. She wanted to make sure that the medication would work today and you wouldn’t have any kind of  reaction.
Once you were given the okay to return to work, you went back down to engineering with Scotty, thankfully avoiding Leonard’s questioning on the way out.
~~~~~~~~
Leonard was finishing up with a patient when you snuck into the med bay and met with Dr. Koplan. It hadn’t been too crazy for him, so he was able to go into his office and get some reports done and filed away. It was almost time for his lunch break, so he finished up the file he was working on before heading to tell Dr. Koplan that he was leaving for a bit.
“Hey Fran. I’m taking my lunch break, going to go grab (Y/N) and have her take her break too. I’ll be back soon. You gonna be okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. It’s not too busy right now. I’ll call if I need you.” Leonard nodded and turned to exit, but then Francine called out. “Oh! Tell me how (Y/N) is feeling after lunch.” Leonard turned back to her with a confused face.
“Alright
 Can I ask why?”
“Well, I don’t want to violate her confidentiality. But she came in cause of some nausea and cramps. That’s all I’m aloud to say.” Leonard just nodded and left, walking a bit faster than normal to engineering. Hearing that you weren’t okay and not knowing why was unsettling, but hearing that you went to a female doctor for nausea and cramps? His mind could only go to one thing, and that one thing scared the daylights out of him: Pregnant.
~~~~~~~~
You were doing your final checks on a troublesome machine when you felt a twinge of nausea creep up out of nowhere. Apparently the medication wasn’t strong enough or your body was rejecting the pill. Even the hypo that Dr. Koplan gave you for the cramps was wearing off. It wasn’t too bad yet, but, erring on the side of caution, you were thinking of taking the rest of the day off, if Scotty would allow it.
You were about to call Leonard and tell him to go to lunch without you, but then you felt the familiar hands of your boyfriend on your shoulders.
“Hey there, sweetpea! I was actually just about to call you. I’m not really hungry. So you can just--”
“Are you pregnant?” You were honestly so taken aback that you took a second or two to comprehend what he was asking.
“Wha-- Why-- Why would you ask that? I don’t think I--”
“I know you came into the med bay and was Francine for nausea and cramps, but she couldn’t tell me more. So that and the fact the we
 You know
We were together the other night. I can only think that--”
“Lenny! Babe! Would you please shut up for a second?” He looked down at you and took a deep breath. You were the only one he listened to when it came to the words ‘shut up.’ You couldn’t help but smile at his worry.
“I am not pregnant.”
“How do you know? Why would you go to Koplan for meds, or miss lunch?” This caused a chuckle to escape your lungs.
“I know because I am currently on my period. I went to Dr. Koplan because it has been getting worse for the past few months. I go to her for this kind of stuff because I know talking about it to you would be... weird for me.”
As Leonard’s body relaxed, yours started to riot again; the cramps flared up and the nausea sent a warning, nothing happened but you still felt beyond shitty. You had to push your hand against your lower abdomen just to keep the cramps at a manageable state. Leonard was in instant doctor mode.
“Lenny, I really want to go back to my room and lay down. Doing anything is frustrating and painful right now.” He nodded and with one arm wrapped around your waist and the other at your elbow, he helped you back to your quarters.
Once you were settled on the couch with a hot water bottle pushed against your stomach and your favorite movie on the screen, Leonard called Dr. Koplan. She told him what medication she’d given you as well as telling him to take the rest of the day off; she knew that you would feel better with him by your side tonight.
Leonard came back with two glasses of water and some snacks that wouldn’t upset your stomach. He sat on the couch with you and put your legs in his lap.
“What are you doing? Don’t you have to go back to help out Fran?”
“No. She just told me to stay here and take care of you until tomorrow. So we are going to sit here, relax, and do whatever will help you feel better.” You reached up to put your hand on the back of his neck and pulled him down to your lips for a kiss that was full of love and thankfulness.
“What did I ever do to deserve you Leonard McCoy? How can I ever thank you.” He took a second to think before chuckling with his response.
“Don’t get pregnant until we are ready, and we’ve sat down to talked about it?” You couldn’t help but laugh, which caused a fresh wave of cramps to wash over you. Smiling through a wince, you nod your head instead.
“Sounds like a deal, babe.” He smiled a little and kissed you again, moving so he was curled around you, letting your head rest on his chest; one hand stroking your hair, the other rubbing circles on your abdomen
Most people saw Leonard as an angry man that could save lives while spouting off weird sayings in his southern accent. While he was that man, he was also a giant teddy bear that knew how to help you through any situation, and how to love you. You were beyond thankful to have him in your life.
Tags -  @goodnightwife @feelmyroarrrr @the-witching-hours12-3 @theeactress@tomorraw @daytimemaniac  @impalaanddemons
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inkykeiji · 3 years ago
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Hi Clari!!
How are you feeling? I hope you’re well <3
I saw the ask message you answered about doing a part 2 and maybe a part three on the Tomura birthday piece, and I’m really excited about it!! It’s definitely somewhere at the top of my list on my favorite pieces of yours!! <3
(Of course please take your time and don’t push yourself too much, your health is a priority over writing and putting work out there.)
The funny thing is my all time favorite series of yours is Touya-nii because I see that as my relationship with one of my partners (I’m polyamorous) and now the Tomura birthday piece reminds me of another one hehe- (yes I’m very co-dependent xD) So the little comments Tomura says about Touya’s sister are really funny to me, because it makes me feel jealous for like a second because I’m more used to seeing myself as Touya-nii’s sister than Tomura’s girlfriend, but then I remember and I’m all, “well I’m glad he’s happy :( OH WAIT!! He’s happy with me!! :)) It’s both me! YEAH!!”
I’m pretty dumb but it gives me a good laugh every time I read those parts :P
Okok, that’s all!!! Thank you for everything you do love <3
Stay safe and have a good day, week, month, all of it!!
-🗑anon :)
hello basket anon!! <3
aaaaah today was rough but hopefully tomorrow will be better!! c: i hope you are well, too!! <3
oh wow, no way!!! that’s such a huge compliment hehehe thank you so much!!! i’m literally overjoyed to hear that you liked it so much!! yes yes, a part two is in the works hehehe, god knows when it’ll be posted because i really need to stop procrastinating and finally finish my tag you’re it series lmao BUT with all of that being said, there will most definitely be a part two to my flawless series!! <333 also, thank you for such kind words of encouragement!! i will try my best to keep them in mind <3
hahaha awww well, you’re definitely not alone in that feeling!!! but yes! they are both you!!! hehehe
aw thank you sweetpea!!! i hope your weekend has been well so far and that you’re resting and drinking lots of water!! <333
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inkykeiji · 3 years ago
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hii clari!!♄ I first want to know how your day was! I hope you've enjoyed the last 24hrs&nothings been too stressful! I was also wondering like, how is therapy for you, was it awkward at first lmao? I really want to get myself in there but I haven't even got my first paycheck yet (a week to gođŸ˜©) but it's just life is really long rn- I was typing out why but like that felt too close to trauma dumping, it was weird let me apologise😭 anyways I bought tropical juice from Tesco today its v niceeee
hi sweetpea <33 my day has been okay so far!!! i woke up with a bit of anxiety and irritability but i just finished my run and i’m feeling a lil better <3 aw you’re sooo cute hehehe (Ž∀)♡
oooh, good question!! i will share my experiences with you for sure, but i also want you to keep in mind that therapy is an extremely personal thing and it will be different for everyone, because we are all one-of-a-kind, unique human beings!! <3 in other words, my experience may or may not be similar to yours, and both are okay!
therapy, for me, is terrifying. i’m not going to pretend like it isn’t scary. BUT it is worth it, i promise. as far as my experiences go: because i already have a solid team of healthcare professionals working with me, we already knew my diagnosis which makes it a hell of a lot easier to treat. but i sobbed my first session. i was so nervous i was trembling, i couldn’t eat, and i felt like i was going to throw up!! and my therapist, who is such a lovely and graceful lady, could tell immediately. and she comforted me and told me that it was totally normal to be feeling that way, and that it was OKAY to be feeling that way, because, like i said, going to therapy can be very scary! you’re entering into this space with someone you don’t know with the intention to be very vulnerable—and that’s why i think it is extremely important to pick a therapist you click with. i went through initial meetings with several before i finally settled with mine, because despite how terrified i was, she was such a comforting presence and i like her a lot!
it wasn’t awkward, because i’ve been going to therapy on and off since i was about 13 years old, so i had a pretty good idea of what to expect, not to mention i had had all of those initial meetings with those other psychologists in the two months prior to finding mine. but!! the good news is, they’re a professional, and this is their job, so if you’re worried about what to say or how to start, rest assured!! they’ll begin by asking you questions. sometimes they’re very general questions, like why you want to start therapy, what your goals and aims are for treatment, and you’ll find that as you keep speaking more and more will continue to come out. and it’s also okay to say that you don’t know, or that you aren’t sure!! just be honest; that’s the best and most helpful way for your treatment to progress, you know? they’re there to HELP you, so allow yourself to open up about whatever you feel you need to, and at whatever pace you’d like to.
my first session was actually a recap of aaaall of my childhood trauma hahaha, like the cliffs notes of ‘clari’s trauma’ lmao. my therapist was so respectful as we navigated through the major traumatic events that happened in my life, always reminding me that if i wasn’t ready to delve into them on the first day that that was okay. that session in particular was very rough on me. the sessions after that have fluctuated in how heavy they’ve been. my most recent session i just cried, for the whole hour. just couldn’t stop crying, and i didn’t even know why. but my therapist and i have worked together to create an extensive treatment plan geared towards my specific illness and my goals for getting better!! so, most likely, your therapist will work with you to develop some sort of plan as well!! also, i wanted to say that you don’t need any sort of ‘justification’ to be in therapy. if you feel like you need it, and that it’ll help, then GO!! <3
these have been my experiences with this particular therapist so far (i’ve only been seeing her for about two months!). i think it’s also good to keep in mind that this is a process, you know? and sometimes it will feel more difficult or challenging than others. and that’s okay! more important than anything, in my opinion at least, is to find a therapist that you feel is compassionate towards you and actually cares about your well-being and wants to help. i wish you all the luck in the world babie and i’m so proud of you for wanting to give it a try <3 and i hope you enjoyed your juice!!! ♡(˃͈ àȘŠ ˂͈ àŒ¶ )
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inkykeiji · 4 years ago
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WAIT CLARI YOU’RE SO SMOL AND CUTE SLFJSL lowkey tho??? lowkey tho......... you give off like,, a bigger presence so i can see why people find you intimidating lmao??
i was like cramming for my lab exam and barely passed and didn’t have the mental capacity to say anything before but like i really wanna and i hope this isn’t overstepping or creepy in any way and i’m sorry if it is!! i just appreciate you a lot for coming onto this blog and interacting with everyone in the first place? like even just clicking into your blog and reading your replies to other anons and seeing your energy and hearing your thoughts — you really do create like a really safe space i kinda enjoy existing in even if you aren’t interacting and i know i and so many other anons and mutuals appreciate and adore that. you just existing is enough and regardless of how much content you’re putting out or how fast it’s coming out, that’s valid. and for the content that you share — it is much loved and appreciated and wonderful!!
i obviously dont want to compare. just sldksj to try and relate in any sense i’ve taken like full courseloads as much as possible, even at one point taking 5 course and 5 labs and literally maxing out despite the fact that my parents have assured, which i am very blessed and grateful for, that they are willing to lend as much support as needed so i don’t have to finish uni just in 4 years. i also have friends who have shared really really similar thoughts to you and i know for me personally and from what they’ve told me that it can be really tricky to get out of that mindset to stop feeling so bad! i guess i jus wanted to say that i support you and i know other anons support you. i hope you’re gentle with yourself. i hope you take time for yourself. i know you’ve said you enjoy being on this blog and we enjoy interacting with you and your content! but i just hope, and i obviously cannot tell you what to do or force you and you know whats best for you!, that you put yourself first.
developing new schedules can take time and you have a very valid life outside of the blog and you deserve to feel good and confident in the things you post and how much you’re doing already. your existence is enough. always.
mwah mwah - 🩩
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AW THANK U MY LIL OTTER <33 DO I ACTUALLY I’M SO ???????? ehehe but i’m also kinda flattered, so thank you đŸ„°
aw thank you so much sweetpea, that really means a lot to me đŸ„șđŸ„ș i am genuinely so, so happy to hear that you and so many others feel that way about my little online space, it warms me to my very core <33
omg i took five years to finish uni too!!! it’s so stressful, i hope you’re doing okay bb :(( it is an extremely difficult mindset to get out of, but i’m trying!!! like i said before, there’s really no one putting any pressure on me except for ME, just wanting to be more consistent with posting content etc. but i appreciate your (and the other anons) support so so soooooo much, you’re all so kind to me and i could never ask for anything more <333 i am trying to be gentle and kind with myself, i promise <3 i’ll try even harder just for u, my lil otter <33 but thank you for sharing your own experiences with me!!! it makes me feel a lot better, too đŸ„șđŸ„ș
aaaaah your last little paragraph made me CRY ehehe oh thank you so very much, from the bottom of my heart. you are such a beautiful, kind, sweet person and i am extremely lucky to have you, and all of my incredible anons + followers, in my life. like i said a few days ago, coming on here and talking to you guys truly is the highlight of my day, every day. so thank you for being here for me, and for supporting me and my work, and for being patient and honest and so incredibly understanding. it truly means more to me than words could ever tell you <333333 ALSO U KNOW I LOVE UR LONG MESSAGES PLS NEVER APOLOGIZE ehehe
also bb i will be getting to your other ask soon enough, hopefully tomorrow??? THE ONE WHERE U TOTALLY CALLED ME OUT LMAO but i’m so, so close to being done with the first piece of the series i want to post, it just needs to be edited, so i want to use today to do that!!
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writingwithadinosaur · 7 years ago
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“The ‘Work It Out’ Method” - Oneshot
“The ‘Work it Out’ Method” - Oneshot
My Masterlist - Here
My Tag List - Here
Steve Rogers x Reader
Word Count: 1,229
Key: Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color
Warnings: Injury, Cursing, Bad Thoughts
Summary: After a stressful week, you decide to work it out in the gym. Not everything goes according to plan, and Steve is there to help.
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Author’s Note: Super short random oneshot. I was writing a piece titled “No More Monochrome” and there was a part I was working on that didn’t fit with that story. So I decided to just make it into another fic. Haha! This is all just random things that I wanted to write and popped into my head while on my hiatus.
Forever thankful for @the-witching-hours12-3 for reading all of my pieces that I throw at her and being a never ending support system! She was also the one that came up with this title. I was struggling beyond belief for a title and then she whips one out! Much love, sweetpea <3
If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!
<3
- DreaSaurusREX
You started your morning by getting up early and going to the gym. It seemed like a lot of things were getting to you this past week and you needed an outlet.
It seemed like you couldn’t do a lot right lately. You were off your game while training with Steve or Natasha, it was hard to focus, and you were fighting your own negative thoughts almost constantly. No matter how hard you tried, you felt exhausted, and you felt like a failure.
Even though you were dating Steve, you hated ranting to him because it made you feel like a burden. So you took out your frustrations on the punching bag while no one was there to bother you. With your music blasting through your headphones and your focus on throwing punches and kicks, you felt the anger come out of you and disappear .
The “work it out” method worked until you got too far into your own head and ended up throwing a punch that landed weird. You felt a sharp pain in your wrist. “I guess this is a good time to call it quits for today. I can’t even train by myself without fucking up. Add that to the list of things I can’t do right this week.”
Cradling your wrist and trying to hush the negative voice in your head, you sat down and checked your phone. Natasha had texted you 15 minutes ago:
Nat: “Hey! Saw you head to training this morning. When you’re done and showered, we are getting breakfast. You, me, Stevie, and Bucky. Be ready by about 9. See you then!”
You looked at your watch and saw it was 7:30. By the time you get back to your room, shower, ice your wrist for a few minutes, and wrap it up, it should be right around 9 o’clock.
Showering and getting ready for the day took a bit longer than you expected, thanks to the never ending throbbing in your right wrist. But you managed to get everything done in time. You found the extra bandages you kept in the bottom of your bathroom drawer and did your best to wrap your wrist.
As soon as you secured it, there was a knock at your door.
“Just a minute!” You grabbed a cardigan and slipped it on in an attempt to hide your wrist. Injuries happen all the time, but you really didn’t want to explain this one. Grabbing your purse and slipping on your sneakers, you opened the door to find Natasha there.
“Ready to go?”
“Yeah! I’m starving!” You locked the door behind you and walked to the elevator with your friend. The boys lived one floor below you, and figuring they would be running a bit behind, the two of you stopped at Steve’s door to get them to hurry up.
When the two of you got to Steve’s door, he was just opening it to head out with Bucky.
“Well look at that, perfect timing.” You commented. Bucky and Natasha walked in front of you two, letting you guys have a moment to quickly kiss and then catch up.
You went on your tiptoes and Steve met you halfway with a kiss. When you pulled away, he reached for your hand but you flinched away in pain, not realizing how much your wrist actually hurt. Steve’s face instantly changed and you knew you were going to have to explain this, but you still tried to get out of it.
“Sorry. I’m fine. Just sore from working out too much. Let’s just go.” Steve wasn’t buying that; he called out to Bucky and Nat.
“Hey Buck, I forgot my wallet. We’ll meet you guys downstairs. Won’t be too far behind.” Bucky gave Steve a look.
“Alright, just don’t do anything stupid.” The three of you laughed as Bucky headed to the kitchen.
Steve gently ushered you into his room for privacy. Before you could question him, Steve pulled you into a kiss. You let out a noise of surprise before kissing back. You finally pulled away so you could catch your breath.
“Well hello to you too!” you breathed out, causing you both to chuckle.
“Hey there, doll.” He kissed your forehead. You stepped back and leaned against the door, waiting for him.
“Alright, grab your wallet and let’s head out.” He stood there for a moment before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his wallet. You tried to joke, but he had a very serious look on his face. “You sneaky little--”
“What happened to your wrist?” You were taken aback by his seriousness. Looking down at your wrist, you struggled to brush it under the rug.
“I-I uh
 I didn’t want to explain it cause it’s stupid and not a big deal. It’ll heal in a day or two. It was just me being stupid. C’mon let’s--” He put a finger under your chin and made you look up at him. His eyes flooded with concern.
“(Y/N), please. Somethings up and you’re not telling me. I want to help if I can.” You couldn’t avoid those eyes. Sighing, you explained yourself.
“The past week hasn’t been the greatest for me. I’ve been more irritable than usual and my head isn’t the nicest place to be. I thought I could blow off some steam by working out alone this morning, but apparently I blew off a little too much steam. My right hook wasn’t tight enough and now I’m wrapped up for a couple of days. Nothing’s broken. I’m fine.,” you took a breath in, “now can we please go to breakfast?”
“Hang on. What do you mean by your head ‘isn’t the nicest place to be’?” You took another breath in and braced yourself for whatever Steve could say in response.
“What I mean by that is well
 A lot of negative thoughts have been coming up that I’ve been trying to ignore.”
“Like what?”
“Stuff about me. Feeling like I’ve been messing up a lot, not being the biggest fan of myself, and then adding this morning’s events didn’t help. I’m just
 I’m fine. I’ll get over it.”
Steve gently took your injured wrist and kissed the inside of it over the bandage. He then pulled you into a comfy hug, kissing the top of your head.
“You should have told me what was going on. I could have tried to help. I could have at least helped you this morning and made sure you didn’t go overboard.”
“I know, I just thought it would be better to do it alone. Apparently not.”
“And you know that I don’t think you are a failure of any kind, right? Everyone messes up. Everyone doubts themselves. But think of all the stuff you can do; you are one of the most badass, caring, tough, and thoughtful people I know.
You stood in his embrace for a moment, then your stomach growled loud enough for both of you to hear it. Steve chuckled.
“We can talk more later. For now, let’s meet the other two and get some food.” Steve opened the door and walked you out with a hand on your back.
Steve was an Avenger to the rest of the world, and you knew he would be your own personal hero too. He would help you work it all out.
Tags -  @goodnightwife @the-witching-hours12-3 @theeactress @sebby-staan@feelmyroarrrr @tomorraw @marvelous-imagining
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