#because he cares about Atsushi and he's afraid Akutagawa could break his heart

[shall-we-die]

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{Guilt}

What is the biggest thing they feel guilty about?

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↬[Fandom]•⊰ {Bungo Stray Dogs}࿐

↬[Warnings]•⊰ {Angst}࿐

☰[Main list]•⊰ ────┈┈{0056}┈─╮

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╰┈➤Likes/Reblogs are appreciated࿐

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↬|Atsushi|

Atsushi’s biggest guilt surrounds his past which includes the fact that he couldn’t protect himself from the abuse and torture he endured at the hands of the headmaster of the orphanage, and he still blames himself for not being able to control his ability to prevent the abuse even though it wasn't his fault. The biggest thing Atsushi feels guilty about in his relationship with his s/o is that he’s not able to protect them fully due to the weakness in his ability and that he’s afraid he might let them down one day because of it. He constantly stresses over not being able to protect them to the fullest and that guilt weighs heavily on him.

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↬|Dazai|

The biggest thing he feels guilty about would be... the people he had hurt throughout his life, the people he had used and taken advantage of, and everything he did just to try and survive and find meaning... the biggest thing he feels guilty about in a relationship with his Special One would probably be... the times where he pushed them away or do something that would affect them negatively and make them upset...

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↬|Akutagawa|

having to lie to his s/o. knowing that lying to them is not a nice thing to do and yet in this world it feels like it is necessary. and the possibility of hurting them deeply by revealing such thing worries him. even if they would not mind hearing it, he knows it would break their hearts in a way.

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↬|Chuuya|

He feels guilty about his inability to save certain people, mainly his friends. He wishes he could have a do-over and tried to prevent certain events in the past. He feels guilty for the way he treats his s/o sometimes. He tends to get temperamental, hot-headed and even possessive. Even though he loves his s/o, he knows that his temper isn’t exactly conducive to a healthy relationship.

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↬|Jouno|

The biggest thing he feels guilty about in a relationship is his unwillingness to admit to a certain vulnerability he has since he sees his ability as his only redeeming quality. To others, he tends to put up a wall when it comes to admitting he enjoys something simple, and his s/o is often left frustrated with him since he denies the fact that he enjoys something such as their touch or comfort. He sees admitting to his vulnerabilities as a weakness.

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↬|Tetchou|

If he had to pick one thing, it would probably be not being able to fully reciprocate his s/o’s feelings. He's always afraid that his actions or words are not enough, or not what they expect or need. He's constantly worried that he's falling short as a lover.

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↬|Fyodor|

(God feels guilty about nothing) I'd say that the biggest thing he feels guilty about in a relationship with his s/o, would be his inability to open up emotionally and let his loved one to close to him. He feels like if they would learn about his true self they'll see him as a broken, heartless monster and that is the very last thing he wants. So he remains closed, keeps his emotions to himself and even when he tries to open up, he can't.

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↬|Nikolai|

He feels guilty of being a bit too clingy and being quite annoying at times with his s/o. He never wants to make them feel like they have to spend time with him when they'd much rather be doing something else! And he feels like his s/o really does care for him at times, but at the same time he can't help but feels like he's not good enough. He feels really insecure that they might just leave him, and that he’s just being too clingy or something and they don't really love him. He feels like they're just trying to make him feel happy but that they really hate the things he does or how he acts.

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↬|Sigma|

Sigma always feels guilty if he ever argues with his s/o. If arguments occur, he'll try his best to be understanding and keep his cool. Even if he's right, he'll still apologize afterwards. He doesn't want to cause any pain for the other, whether intentional or not. Sigma will often try to avoid arguments with his s/o as much as possible. He knows that even if it isn't intentional, arguing can cause pain, and he never wants to cause pain to them. If conversations get heated or tense, he'll try to defuse it as quickly as possible so that things don't escalate into something bigger. Sigma believes that open communication and compromise are essential in a relationship, and he does not want to jeopardizing that.

||[🄶uilt]||

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[rayshippouuchiha]

So I read a skk and sskk swap fic a while back, and while I wasn’t really fond of Atsushi’s characterization (Felt a bit too extreme for Atsushi, even in the PM), I can’t get my own version of it out of my head

An 11 year old Atsushi getting found in a cage by Mori, thinking he’s finally free, only to be collared like a dog. Yet he still maintains his kindness, his heart

A 13 year old Akutagawa who ends up partnered with Atsushi, who sees his soft, kind smiles and gentle empathy and falls a little bit in love

A 13 year old Atsushi finally snapping under the weight of being Mori’s favorite, of Mori’s experiments (because Mori is a doctor and Atsushi is a medical miracle, it’s only common sense that he’d see how far the boy could be pushed) and threatening to kill him

(A 13 year old Atsushi who has spent enough time around Mori to know he can no longer care, because if Mori saw even a second of weakness, a way to exploit Atsushi in any way, he’d end up back on the table)

A 12 Chuuya who get taken in by the mafia and put under Atsushi’s tutelage, as one God Vessel to another (you can pry God Vessel Atsushi from my cold dead hands), and hopes and prays from the love and affection and understanding he so desires only to get hard, hard not cruel, Chuuya’s only hope for something more, training and cold shoulders

A 14 year old Atsushi who sees this small red head, so obviously desperate for affection in a way Atsushi can’t help but relate to, and shuts down a little more, because he knows what Mori is trying to do and he won’t have it. So he helps in the only way he feels he can, by training the boy to survive and keeping him at arms length, because no matter how strong he may be, Mori would not hesitate to put him on the chopping block to get Atsushi back under his thumb

An 18 year old Akutagawa cursing Atsushi’s name once the news that Atsushi defected reached him. And Akutagawa who is bitter and heartbroken and angry, and has been since those soft smiles and kind sympathy were traded for blank faces and an icy demeanor because how dare Atsushi make him fall in love only to tear it away

A 14 year old Chuuya who spent two years working desperately to be strong enough, in hopes to finally get what he do desperately desired from his mentor only to be left behind

(A 16 year old Atsushi who leaves the mafia for good, because he was foolish enough to get attached and had his heart ripped out for it)

An 18 year old Atsushi walking into the ADA, still working on learning how to care again, how to stop being afraid of love and scalpels, finding a home in Ranpo’s knowing eyes and shared sweets, Yosano’s understanding that goes so mush beyond normal empathy, Kunikida’ good, kind heart and strict schedule, and most importantly, under the President’s ability where he no longer has to be collared anymore

A 20 year old Atsushi fishing a kid out of a river on his off day, and being able to tell immediately he has an ability and listening to his story and offering him a home

An 18 year old Dazai, who fails another suicide attempt only to be saved by Atsushi, in more ways than one. Who gets given a purpose in the agency and Atsushi’s soft smile and finally feels like giving life a chance

A 22 year old Akutagawa who gets handed the case for Atsushi’s bounty because’you we’re the one who knew his capabilities best.’ (Because Mori did not trust he cared more about the mafia than Atsushi) and sees his old partner for the first time in 4 years only to see that smile, the one he fell for o so many years ago, directed at someone else

An 18 year old Chuuya who sees Atsushi and Dazai, who sees some random kid get all the affection and attention he’s ever wanted, and rages

A 20 year old Atsushi who gets confronted by his past, whoch whole never a secret, was so far removed from his current life, and feels his heart break. Because he knows that Akutagawa and Chuuya’s anger are no one’s fault but his own. Who cares so deeply then, however buried, and still does now and wants so desperately to fix it but feels it is far too late

A 18 year old Dazai who ends up in this weird rivalry with this short red head slug from the mafia who wants to take away what finally gave Dazai’s life meaning, but gets pushed to the side when he saves a snap assassin who doesn’t want to kil anymore

I could go on about this forever but I’ll leave it here for now with some small notes

The whole collared thing with Atsushi is based on a fic I read which might have been based on the Beast light novel (I haven’t read it) where the collar is used as a way to control Atsushi’s ability to a lesser extent then All Men are Created Equal by basically being a torture device and constantly making Atsushi heal himself, which he only allows himself to take off when he becomes a manner of the agency and is granted a greater control

For ages, in my mind, Akutagawa is two years older than Atsushi who is two years older than Dazai and Chuuya because it adds to the angst at factor but it also messes up the timeline a bit

I am debating whether to switch Kyouka and Odasaku bc Dazai and Atsushi already have their No kill assassins but that means killing Kyouka so I left it vague

I also left everyone but Akutagawa’s feelings vague. Whether Dazai and Chuuya’s feelings for Atsushi are romantic in nature is ambiguous and this story, told by Atsushi in my mind, leads to Atsushi being so emotionally stunted when it comes to love he cannot differentiate between the types for himself

(I wanted to leave Akutagawa’s feelings vague too but the main thing that tied sskk together in cannon was Dazai and that wasn’t happening here so I decided they needed a little something)

((I also feel there is definitely a possibility for Atsushi to end up with Kunikida or maybe even Ranpo for funsies and all))

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough, I hope you enjoyed and I send you all my well wishes!

Hey hey hey, get your ass back here and give us more of this

[kyouka-supremacy]

Fukuzawa learning that Atsushi started dating Akutagawa, calling him to his office to warn him on the risks of dating someone from an enemy organization

Mori learning that Akutagawa started dating Atsushi, calling him to his office, but instead it's to advice him on the best techniques to manipulate your ada boyfriend

[linkspooky]

Akutagawa’s Death

The reveal that Akutagawa has known for a long time that even after escaping from the slums, he still hasn’t escaped the death that perpetually hung over him his entire life due to being born in the slums. Akutagawa’s entire character is written around death. An Akutagawa character analysis under the cut. 

1. Giving Meaning to Death

Akutagawa’s origin is incredibly important to his character. The fact that he was orphaned and grew up alone in the slums has defined his whole life. His attitude towards both life and death comes from a place of knowing, practically his entire life, that he was most likely going to die a dog’s death in the slums, and nobody would even miss him or care when he was gone. 

His upbringing in the slums has clung to him his whole life, even in the form of the lung disease he acquired from breathing the terrible quality air. It’s not that Akutagawa was born believing that life is worthless, this is something he was taught. 

Not only has Akutagawa accepted the fact he was going to die young, he came to accept this fact when he was just a child. In his origin story he witnesses all of his friends he was surivving with die so easily, like their lives meant nothing at all. In response to this, Akutagawa tries to at least throw his life away and make his life mean something because he doesn’t want to be forgotten like that, to live miserable his entire life and die a miserable death. 

Akutagawa gets so attached to Dazai, because Dazai is the first person in his life, and not only a person but an authority figure, to even acknowledge Akutagawa. If he was going to die for no reason, then Dazai’s acknowledgement is something it’s a reason. 

What Akutagawa craves is a reason to keep on going, because so far for him life has been nothing but empty suffering. 

“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

But, deep down what he wants is someone to tell him there’s more to life then just the bleak and empty existence in the slums. Not only that but, even someone like him born as a stray dog in the slums can live. He wants someone to tell him he can live, that there is something to live for, however, even if someone were to tell him that he probably wouldn’t be able to accept it. 

After all, even if he decides to live his lung disease is going to kill him in a few years. Even if he decides to live, he lives in the kill or be killed world of the mafia where his boss stops caring about his well being if he’s not useful.

Akutagawa wants to be told his life is worth something, but deep down he’s internalized the idea that it’s worth nothing. He wants to live but he’s come to accept death. 

All of Akutagawa’s harsher actions are in response to a harsh world. A world that has marked him for death. Even when he tries to reach out and help others, he doesn’t know how to show them how to live because he doesn’t know himself. The only way he knew how to make Kyouka survive was to turn her into a killer. 

This is one of the many things that Atsushi misunderstands about Akutagawa. Atsushi often sees Akutagawa as a bully, killing people to prove how strong he is, because he believes he’s bettern than others. (We get it Atsushi baby, you have an inferiority complex.) When Autagawa is someone barely able to survive in this world. It’s not that Akutagawa believes that Kyouka’s life was worthless, it’s that he believes his own life was worthless. 

And Akutagawa misunderstands something so simple, because it wasn’t told to him that he could live on his own. Because, the mafia, and even Dazai can keep him on a short leash if he’s continually fighting to live like a dog barking on the end of his chain. 

When Akutagawa does not see himself as powerful and respected, and he definitely does not see himself as secure in any way. He sees himself as frail, weak, always on the brink of death and desperately to prove his position and keep onto his standing in the world. It’s been made clear to him countless times because he was born a poor boy in the slums he’s not going to be given anything, he has to earn it. 

This is a recurring question asked about Akutagawa’s character. Is he struggling to survive, or is he preying on those weaker than him to secure his position in the world? I would say at least Akutagawa perceives it as the former. Deep down he views himself as weak and unworthy, so much so that no power he could possibly gain would ever be good enough. He views life as a compettition where he can die at any moment, and already having accepted his death, he goes all out against his opponents and expects his opponents to do the same to survive. However, Akutagawa is part of a predatory organization known as the port mafia, and the ideas that he’s inherited from that organization are all about the weak preying on the strong. 

When fighting against scarlet letter his own body breaks on him, before he’s even able to continue the fight, and once again he demands his opponent fight him with everything he has. He keeps insisting they fight even struggling to breath, coughing up blood, with his body falling apart on him. 

Akutagawa is a merciless killer, and yet he desires to live just like everybody else. He projects his own struggle onto everybody else as well, and believes they are all just like him, weak people struggling to survive even if that means eating others.That’s the paradox that’s always been at the center of his character, and there’s foiling with Dazai there. 

They have both lived their entire lives, shadowed by death, to the point where they’ve come to define themselves entirely around that idea. 

"Man fears death and yet, at the same time, man is drawn to death. Death is endlessly consumed by men in cities and in literature. It is a singular event in one's life that none may reverse. That is what I desire."

Akutagawa through his sickness and his life in the slums which has made it clear how worthless and cheap his own life is, and Dazai through his suicidal ideation and inability to relate to the others around him. 

“Even if one were to bathe in the enternal wind, and simply become foam in the great sea without ever knowing who they were - without even getting a farewell...” Akutagawa muttered facing the heavens as if he were reciting a poem, “... the heart shall not move, for it is nothing compared with the loneliness of passing... without you ever knowing.” 

Bungou Stray Dogs, 55 Minutes. 

However while Dazai’s tendency is to be alone, Akutagwa’s fear is one of dying alone, dying unacknowledged, dying unconnected to anybody in this world. Because it’s the death that’s been waiting for him his entire life. He was going to die a stranger that nobody cared about in the slums, and he’s been desperately fighting against that. He wants someone to know him. 

In other words Akutagawa can’t possibly live alone. In the most recent fight, Akutagawa confronts his own mortality again. This is another piece of yin and yang foiling between Akutagawa and Atsushi. Atsushi is young, full of life, and whenever he’s injured his injuries miraculously heal. 

Akutagawa is sickly, dying already of a lung disease, and no injury ever quite heals on his body, he just gets worse and worse. Atsushi only believes it’s okay for him to live if he saves people. Akutagawa is a dying man, struggling, to make his death mean something. 

Akutagawa already believes, already knows he’s going to die. How he’s going to live from this point on isn’t even a question to him. He never had a future in the first place. 

However at the same time, no one has told Akutagawa that he can live.  That he doesn’t have to earn it. That he’s worthy of living just by being born. 

At the beginning of this fight when Atsushi confronted what he was most afraid of, which was solitude, Akutagawa appeared to save him. Which is why now when Akutagawa is in jeapordy, facing his worst fear. 

Dying alone and unacknowledged.  It will be Atsushi’s turn to remind Akutagawa that they are not alone. That the two of them are both struggling to live together. Those words they both want to hear that even people like them can live in this world, that it’s okay for them to live,  is something they can tell each other. 

[beneaththemasks]

Analyzing Atsushi and Akutagawa pt.1 (I have a lot to say so there's gonna be a part 2)

CW: Dazai hate

first of all I want to clarify that I don’t think any of this is going to happen but it’d be really nice if it did... however, since BSD is a fiction story and my analysis is based on what would be ideal in the real life I don’t think it’s too likely for this to happen.

I think Atsushi should leave the ADA and Akutagawa should leave the Port Mafia.

To begin with, I’d like to tell you how I came up with this idea; 

The thing is that in the BSD fandom there’s this (sadly too popular) discussion about Atsushi being a good, strong and entertaining main character or not. Many times I’ve seen people discussing this as if it was simply and wholy a matter of yes or no and the more the discussion grows the more angry I get (but i get angry too easily so don’t mind me).

In my opinion Atsushi is not weak, I actually don’t think any character in BSD is tbh (I mean they’d beat the shit out of me even if they don’t know how to fight because all ever do with my life is sit on my tiny piano and play my silly little mozart). But leaving the physical strenght aside, I still don’t think he’s a weak/strong or boring/entretaining character. I think the charm of Atsushi as a MC lies elsewhere.

Yes he’s pretty, he’s kind, he has an e-boy haircut and I’d let him step on me with those worn-out dirty boots.

But he’s also a common person living among prodigies and demons.

(Really, I feel like standing up and appaluding Asagiri for choosing Atsushi as the mc and writing him the way he did because there’s nothing that could make my shitty life better than knowing that the protagonist of my favourite story in the world is someone I can relate so much to that I actually ended up learning more about myself through him.)

And yes, we’ve seen this happen many times in countless stories (yes yes haikyuu for example) where the plot worked as good as any other even though the MC took longer than the rest to get to where they were but managed to do so in the end (unlike the typical shonen mc that levels-up overnight) plus what people mostly criticize about Atsushi as a MC are his constant war flashbacks and how much he self-doubts himself.

So I came to the conclusion that it's not really Atsushi and his journey as a MC but his unresolved trauma what seems to annoy the audience instead.

And that’s how I came up with a fiction-breaking answer to your problems; If you want Atsushi to stop suffering over and over again for the same things, he has to leave the ADA and get some real therapy.

(Don’t misunderstand me, even if I accept him and love him as he’s now, I’d still love it if this were the real final for him bc it hurts me to see him suffer all the time.)

Think about it, Atsushi is just a poor boy, abandoned by hell itself and thrown into the street in the worst conditions a human being could be just to end up running into a maniac manipulator with a good heart that offers him a roof over his head on the condition he accepts a job that Atsushi himself says doesn’t want and is too afraid to be a part of and that he tried to leave once but failed to do so and then felt too guilty to try again because he eats guilt and remorse with milk for breakfast so now he has no choice but risk his life, face his archenemy physical pain to beat his enemies and constantly fear that he might not be doing what’s right or being good enough while having a huge responsibility on his bare shoulders.

As it stands, his situation can only be explained by that famous saying “it’s not that you don’t want to grow/heal, it’s that the environment is not apt for you to do it”. Yeah, no wonder he hasn’t made any progress overnight and feels so hopeless at times.

I love everyone in the ADA (not you Dazai) and their found family made out of scraps and angsty love is all I ever whish for, but just because he’s finally found people to rely on that care about him doesn’t mean it’s enough to heal so much damage (suprise suprise your family and love won’t always be enough to heal trauma). Atsushi won’t overcome his fears by facing them head-on nor will he become more independent by fighting on his own (actually we all know he hates fighting alone and that’s because he’s not in a place where he can trust in himself yet) instead, it’s very likely he’ll end up pushing himself to the limit to get “stronger” faster and end up loosing sight of himself.

And here's where Akutagawa enters.

The reason why I also mention him is because Akutagawa for me is the perfect example of why Atsushi has to stop now before it’s too late. 

Akutagawa has been past the point of no return for a long time now, he’s fought so hard to get "better" faster for the sake of being recognised by Dazai that he stopped recognising what’s real and what’s not. Akutagawa is already strong enough and has everything he needs but can’t recognise it because he works in a place where the more and faster you kill the better you are, so even though he’s the most feared member of the PM he doesn’t believe it because he hasn’t heard Dazai saying it.

To me it makes perfect sense that Dazai insists so much on making them face each other, I mean, Atsushi has everything Akutagawa wants and Akutagawa has everything Atsushi wants and as long each they stay blinded by their own unrealistic expectations they’ll keep risking their lives for something they will never accomplish under those circumstances, it turns into a vicious cycle where Dazai seems to be the only one benefiting from this since he now has two UltraRare awakened subordinates to fight for the sake of his book or whatever he wants. (but don’t let me get too excited about this topic ‘cause I could talk about Dazai for 3 days)

Yes I know I know, it was a very good thing that Asagiri decided to break that toxic vicious cycle and made one of them think for both to finally make Atsushi challenge Akutagawa to stop killing for six months as a condition to fight with him (that's called GROWTH, breaking out of the cage, abandoning the nest, etc).

But unlike Atsushi, Akutagawa doesn’t have many people to rely on when the time all of his enemies show up -after mori has beaten the fuck out of him for not showing results and lowers his rank to the same Oda had- to make him pay (let’s be honest the mafia couldn’t care less about the errand boy).

Basically, Aku has to leave the Port Mafia in order to stay safe, gain perspective and find a reason to live of his own rather than sit and wait for dazai to approve of his every move (the same goes for Sushi, he has to stop throwing himself off of high buildings to save people and stopping bullets with his mouth to be validated by his peers). 

But yeah, Akutagawa is probably not going to leave the PM and Atsushi is probably not going to leave the ADA but as someone who really wants to see them doing some real growth and barely stands this “just forget your trauma and fight” thing that’s going on I had to say it.

I mean, look at Dazai, it was no untill Oda told him he clearly wasn’t going to find a purpose to live that he decided that mayyyyybe the PM was not a good place to try spiritual healing.

What’s more, I’d say almost every single character in BSD is too fucked up to be able to heal in the kind of environmet they work at and that they must have let the pain sink or whatever bc they jsut don’t want to change their lives but idk man that’s fine if it makes them happy. 

:)

[99adelheid99]

cool so since I’m procrastinating anyways on my school work im just going to write a character study on beast! dazai

because I re read it and im sad and asagiri just loves to make everyone suffer

so spoilers for the beast au

((BTW IM SO SORRY TUMBLR MOBILE ISN’T LETTING ME CUT THE POST TO A READ MORE SO IM GOING TO TRY TO DO IT ON MY PC AND HOPE IT WORKS IF IT DOESNT IM SO SORRY;;;; ))

asagiri has already decided to make dazai a tragic character and break our hearts once, but he decided to also rip them out and spit on it.

in the canon world, we see dazai struggle through depression. ever since he was young he found there was no value in living as he says to mori in the fifteen arc. he tries throughout his life desperately to understand just why humans strive to live, why they fight so hard for their lives and work hard to live life to the fullest.

it’s no different in the many other worlds The Book had created, and that lonely hole in his chest is probably much bigger.

as explained by dazai in the light novel, the power of The Book does not effect him because of his ability, since The Book itself is an ability, dazai naturally cancels it out. because of this, dazai can practically “read his own memories” from the canon world. so he knows everything that happens in the original universe, that goes for every single dazai in every single au. every single one.

this in itself is probably one of the saddest things. if people not understanding dazai didn’t hurt enough in the canon world, imagine how horrible it is that the beast! dazai had suffer with this knowledge alone, because as mentioned, it’s not wise for a lot of people to know about The Book since the world they reside in will become unstable, and have a chance of disappearing.

at the end of the light novel we also learn of dazai’s plan. why he captured gin, and why he wanted to bring akutagawa and atsushi together.

it was for odasaku.

because dazai has the memories from his “original” self, he remember odasaku. he remembers how he died, he remembers that they were best friends, he remembers how odasaku was the only person who understood dazai to his core, he remember how much odasaku means to him.

but odasaku of this world doesn’t remember it at all. because to him it never happened. there is only the beast world and the beast world alone.

this is where the angst hits (harder lol)

dazai figures out (at some time idk when) that this is the only universe that odasaku survives (im not sure how exactly, im assuming he can read the memories of the other dazais? Idk)

he remembers odasakus passionate of becoming a writer, he remembers odasakus determination not to kill just so he could write his own novel.

and because I really do believe dazai has a heart shrouded in all that darkness, dazai wants the best for odasaku, dazai wants to make it so odasaku can continue to survive and write his novel.

so dazai being dazai makes this extremely elaborate extra ass plan to make sure it happens.

dazai knows that this world has a chance of disappearing since every time something is written down in The Book in any other au (I think? I believe it can be any one of them not just the canon one) The Book doesn’t create it out of nothing exactly, but borrows from other worlds to create what is written in the book to reality.

dazai’s afraid that this world might cease to exist, and if it does odasaku won’t get to write his novel in this only universe he survives in, odasaku won’t he happy and dazai doesnt want that.

now extra ass osamu here uses a lot of cruel tactics to get to his end goal, and it isn’t right at all, but I still have to sympathize because its just so painful lmao

during akutagawa and atsushi’s final battle, dazai goes to the lupin bar where he meets odasaku for the first time in this world. I feel like dazai fought with himself a lot not to visit odasaku during this time, probably wanting to do nothing else but to run to his old friend that he missed so damn much. and I think he couldnt resist in the end, I think he desperately wanted to see him one last time because from the very beginning he knew his own fate.

one of the many (lol) things that hurts me during this meeting is how dazai immediately jumps happily into conversation with odasaku when he sees him, how he invites him quickly to sit down with him (in which odasaku does but doesn’t sit right next to him, which seemingly hurts dazai, ouch my heart) and how he picks up conversation that dazai would normally have with odasaku in the real world, asking him if anything interesting happened to him that day or telling him about new suicide methods he tried, which leaves odasaku heavily confused as he kind of awkwardly replies to each question.

now because the pov during this scene is in oda’s, we don’t get know exactly what dazai is thinking, but oda describes his posture and reactions well for us to take a guess of how hard it is for dazai to not have probably the most important person in his life not know or care about him.

dazai tightening his grip around his glass, or dazai looking like a happy child in one second to trying to compose his emotion with a small smile in the next, these reactions happen when odasaku keeps bringing up how he doesn’t know dazai and how confused he is. and dazai trying to hold onto something, someone, who made him so happy. trying to ignore the pain he feels and grasp on to the good memories he has but odasaku doesn’t.

and then there’s the part in the bar that asagiri decided to write because he’s a writer and like all authors, lowkey likes to see his audience suffer.

when dazai calls oda by his nickname odasaku once again trying to get him to understand him, the man replies:

“Don’t call me Odasaku. There is no reason of an enemy to call me that.”

yeah I cried

I cried a lot

dazai’s reaction didn’t help either.

The young man suddenly seemed to have trouble breathing…He fought against something invisible.

in this world, dazai probably mastered concealing his emotions (he does in like every world, but he’s much more grim in this one so) he put up this wall and put on a mask for everyone but odasaku, he let his wall down and odasaku didn’t acknowledge it, didn’t bring him some sort of comfort like he did in the canon universe. not intentionally of course, not because odasaku was cruel, but odasaku didn’t know dazai as anything else but his enemy. for all he knows, dazai could be trying to manipulate him.

theyre enemies. they could never be friends in this world. but dazai seems to still try, even a little.

in the end, they part ways. dazai putting on that mask once again, and acting like this whole meeting didn’t just destroy him. because it would be worth it in the end, odasaku would live, be happy, write his novel.

dazai would suffer, but that’s okay. odasaku hates dazai, but that’s okay.

because odasaku is alive. odasaku is happy. and to dazai that’s enough.

we get to the ending that no one wants to read because we’re already in pain and we know asagiri is waiting there with a shotgun to deliver the final blow.

dazai arrives after akutagawa and atsushi’s fight to reveal his reasoning behind his plan. how atsushi and aku have to work together protect The Book to make sure this world doesn’t disappear just for oda, and he mentions how no more then two people can know about the existence of The Book also for the protection and stability of their world.

atsushi decides to so some quick maths then, and realizes in horror that dazai has slowly made his way to the edge of the building.

he pleads with dazai to not do it, but theres obviously no stopping him.

and in that moment I believe for the first time in a long time dazai is truly content.

the hatred towards him is heavy, but it doesn’t matter to dazai because odasaku is safe. he completed his mission.

dazai planned all of this from the very beginning up to his death. now, arguably, despite dazai’s heartwarming end goal he was still an awful person. he was abusive and manipulate. he hurt and killed others to get what he wanted. he was not a good person

but he suffered so much for the sake of one person, he knew his ending wasn’t going to happy, but the end goal was enough. the end goal made it worth it.

osamu could never tell anyone about his pain, not even his best friend. he had to instead put on the mask of the cruel boss of the port mafia. people either had to hate him or fear him. no one could ever love him, no one could ever care for him. and osamu knew that. from the very beginning. asagiri truly wrote a tragic but beautiful character.

now if you’ll excuse me im going to go cry :)))

[thousandsunny]

Summer's last sunflower.

Akutagawa in no way was a morning person the sun was too bright for his liking, usually making him hiss at the sunlight on more than one occasion, yet all the same he also looked forward to them. It’s looking forward to sparring with his other mentor, watching his rock-steady yet graceful movements, like cherry blossoms dancing in the wind. It’s watching the slight tilt of his head, the knit of his brows when giving advice. The blinding smile that plays at the redhead’s lips when he praises him. Akutagawa couldn’t understand why would Chuuya be doing this for him, he kept his extra medicine in his coat pocket, made sure he was eating and sleeping well, not off his rockers driving up the walls. All the little things that lit a fire in this dark heart of his.

The realisation hit him harder than Chuuya’s fist one day.

Akutagawa winced a little recovering from the blow when he looked up - dear god he wished he hadn’t - the sweat was trickling down Chuuya’s forehead, his copper locks were clinging to his face. His eyes narrowed in concentration that promised agony like no other while pupils dilated in passion burned like fire. It was the first time Akutagawa noticed how much his eyes reflected the beauty of deep oceans shinning under the sunrise. Red hue of his cheeks, laboured breathing and his glossy gaze sent Akutagawa’s heart thundering against his ribs. NO, no ,no . A faint blush creeped up Akutagawa’s face, which he covered using his hand trying to pass it off as cough. This isn’t real, this isn’t happening. ______________________________ Emotions show one’s vulnerability and frailty they are vile, disgusting thing that Akutagawa had abandoned when he was mere child or so he had surmised. Akutagawa was striding back and forth across the room with heavy footsteps, lost in thought about his latest predicament. When his rumination was broken by soft voice.

“Brother if you continue the floor is going to collapse.” Gin declared not looking up from the newspaper, she continued “ we just rebuilt the wall from when you tried to kill a spider using Rashomon. I rather spare myself the hassle of doing it again.”

“Well whose fault is that Miss. Assassin of darkness but can’t kill spiders for shit” with that he went back to his thoughts. It was when another deep sigh, that sounded awfully like a whine, escaped from his mouth for umpteenth time, Gin’s patience came undone, “If you are going to think about Atsushi-kun so much at least try to be discreet. Not that everyone doesn’t know already’’ she mused.

Akutagawa halted in his tracks throwing her the best death look he could muster,“ what do you mean? why would I be thinking about him?” he questioned.

Gin arched an eyebrow at her brother “ don’t you know, there is a betting pool going on between lower rank members on how long till you ask weretiger out” a small smile threatening to break out on her face.

Akutagawa opened his mouth, closed it a few times bearing an uncanny resemblance to a fish. He blinked twice finally processing the words he just heard. His expression morphed into something akin to abhorrence. “Jinko and me..me..me” dating was the word that he wanted to say, it sounded so wrong it refused to go past his lips, “Why would they even think that?”

Like the ever kind sister she was, she threw everything at back to his face “ in your battles you scream his name more than you hit him, you threaten to kill him than save him, while screaming his name may I add, you even let him wear Rashomon as if -”

“No..no..no…no, stop talking” Akutagawa shrieked, in horror at his sister’s words wondering what atrocity he had committed in past life to warrant this fate. “ It was all for the sake of the mission, gods know otherwise I won’t let anyone touch Rashomon” he bellowed .“ As for others I am going to skewer alive for insubordination, why Jinko of all people he is bane of my life, my adversary. He isn’t like Chuu-” words slipped his mouth even before he realised what he has done, regret soon flashed upon his face.

He inwardly groaned when Gin’s usually expressionless face lit up in pure amusement . “ Oh my god” newspaper slipped from her hands as if it were water ,the last of her words were followed by laughter.

“Gin, shut up” he has to fight down the colour from rising into his cheeks, he wanted nothing more than for earth to open and swallow him whole. He wished he was a Scooby-doo character so he could drop through a trapdoor in the floor to save himself from this embarrassment.

She clapped her hands together in joy “Is that why you been jittery all day because you a little girl’s crush on Nakahara-san” she let out another short laugh.

Well no shit, that’s just what I said.

Suddenly a serious look crossing her face “Damn it! I should have betted against Jinko”

“Oi…that’s what you are thinking!” Akutagawa said in disbelief “ if you going to be an idiot about do it somewhere away from me”

“I think you just tell him, I mean he already acts like a distressed wife, you might just make it official.” she said regaining her composure.

“What if it’s a mistake” he said “Maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it isn’t , maybe it’s Maybelline. Stop being so dramatic.” Gin rolled her eyes at her brother. Before her face broke into a far too amused smile. “Here , I googled some pick up lines for you they usually work” he took the phone from her and started reading “are you sure about this?” doubt seeping into his tone.

“Trust me, Nakahara-san is going to love them.” .He nodded, if only he had noticed the shit eating grin Gin was hiding behind the newspaper it would’ve saved him his dignity. _____________________________

“Yo, Akutagawa drink up” Chuuya said tossing a bottle of water towards him “ today’s session was good your footwork and speed have improved but-” Akutagawa couldn’t hear anything, all he saw was the movement of Chuuya’s lips the rest remained forgotten. “Oi, are you listening to me. Akutagawa you have been very distracted today, what’s up?” Chuuya’s tone was full of worry which made his treacherous heart beat even faster. He recalled all the lines from internet he had learned and now seemed like a good chance. “Chuuya-san, you will have to get me a new drink because I dropped mine when I saw you” he deadpanned, his voice steady as if he were reporting back from a mission.

Chuuya raised an eyebrow at him and tilted his head in confusion before throwing another bottle at him. “You are acting weird, well you are always weird but you are being weirder today”

Akutagawa cleared his throat “Chuuya-san,have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? All he got was puzzled looks from other man as his eyes followed Akutagawa hand turning his pant pockets inside out and pointing to his crotch “Would you like to?” he asks but this time with a slight tremor in his voice and pink dusting his cheeks. All he had got in reply was a bottle crashing into the ground spilling water everywhere. Chuuya stood there gaping at him, too stunned to speak oddly resembling a stone statue. Akutagawa could feel his heart dropping into his stomach, he had made a mistake, Chuuya was going to abandon him, he is going to lose the last thing that kept him steady. Any other normal person would have apologised and confessed their true feelings. However Akutagawa was neither normal nor any other person so he did what he thought was best. He made a fucking run for it. Well ,tried,since he felt an invisible force yanking him backwards before he could reach the gates towards Chuuya. Fucking gravity. Akutagawa could feel the heat radiating like a hot pan he could have cooked a 3 course meal on his face. This was all Gin’s fault he would swear it till the day he dies.

“Akutagawa, explain” Chuuya demanded his voice stern and commanding. A frown replacing his earlier shock.

Akutagawa took a deep breath “ Chuuya-san, the only emotion I have felt since my birth is hatred. I spit on the world that denied me, the rage and resentment burned my soul and filled me with hate. It burned my heart until ashes were the only thing that remained. But, when-” his voice breaking a little he raises his hand to clutch at his chest “ you smile at me, care for me, I feel human again that there is still something left in me. And that human part of me loves you” he let out a shaky breath,refusing to lift his gaze from ground afraid of what he will in find in those eyes. Instead a felt a hand against his cheek. “Geez, you had me scared there for a moment. Why didn’t you say so in the first place. Ryuu” he sang his name against his skin before meeting their lips together. It wasn’t like Akutagawa had seen in movies messy, hurried or hungry. This was slow, tender and gentle their lips moved together like a sea song, it made warmth spread down to his chest and lift his heart up from where it had sunk that morning. The gesture had left no room for words, they weren’t needed, he knew he loved and was loved back.

Chuuya broke their kiss smiling at him softly “ Did you like it? I think you could use some training in this area as well” he mused a wry grin pulling at his lips.

“I agree, I think we should train often as possible” Akutagawa leaned down to kiss him again but as life would have a sneeze surged from his mouth covering Chuuya’s face in spit and banging there heads together, his lips meeting redheads nose instead. Chuuya step back rubbing then he was laughing. A belly deep mirth bubbling through his chest making him bend over, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. The scenic view infront of Akutagaqa made his breath rush out, the fire kissed hair gleaming in rays of sunlight, eyes shining so brightly small part of Akutagawa wondered if he had his own sky inside of them.

Maybe sun wasn’t so bad after all.

____________________________________

This is the first fic I have written, I hope you enjoyed it. I blame @ariukoart for dragging me into this rarepair hell.